#me praying to the tumblr gods that this posts so i dont have to type out that whole youtuber section again

[bunnyette]

i haven’t introspected or really talked about myself on here so i answered this favorites questionnaire. read if you want

@ringtailes​ @virgeauxsun​ @weepingvines​

yall can do it if u want u dont gotta tag anybody idc fjeiofewjfo

1. Favorite candy? dark chocolate

2. Favorite song? ptolemaea by ethel cain

3. Favorite food? sushi or a decent caesar salad

4. Favorite drink? an iced caramel macchiato, or apple sparkling water

5. Favorite band? Artist? fleetwood mac or ethel cain

6. Favorite movie? scream

7. Favorite book?

the bell jar by sylvia plath

8. Favorite restaurant? chick fil a. love homophobic chicken

9. Favorite person? myself

10. Favorite hair color? Eye color? black hair and green eyes

11. Favorite website? bulbapedia

12. Favorite board game? Video game? clue and silent hill 2

13. Favorite sport to play? To watch? i don't. iceskating

14. Favorite school subject? literature 15. Favorite state? City? new orleans, louisiana

16. Favorite number? letter? 7, A

17. Favorite animal? bears

18. Favorite TV show? reba

19. Favorite quote? "who can face the sea and not inherit its loneliness?", olin ivory

20. Favorite nickname? honey

21. Favorite store? target

22. Favorite color? pink

23. Favorite article of clothing? i like a good turtleneck sweater

24. Favorite type of perfume or cologne? chanel no 5

25. Favorite memory from this year? all of the times my cat has curled up next to me to sleep.

26. Favorite age? these are ridiculous questions. 45.

27. Favorite trait? a homogenous one

28. Favorite music video? what???

29. Favorite time of day? midnight

30. Favorite Tumblr? my own, of course

31. Favorite phone brand? apple

32. Favorite shoe brand? louboutin

33. Favorite fashion style? i wonder what op would answer this question with. "goth"? the avant garde victorian style looks of dior fall/winter 2007 haute couture

34. Favorite pattern? the one i'm noticing in these questions.

35. Favorite gift? the gift of foresight

36. Favorite humor? blood

37. Favorite chip brand? Flavor? kettle brand salt and vinegar peak

38. Favorite band to see live? i'm poor

39. Favorite teacher im an adult

40. Favorite celebrity? im an adult

41. Favorite news station? WHAT

42. Favorite DIY? my mother birthing me

43. Favorite instrument? cello

44. Favorite genre of music? deathcore

45. Favorite season? autumn

46. Favorite experience? level 35 dark grass audino OHKO on lucky egg

47. Favorite shirt? a slightly unbuttoned men's button up, navy blue, sleeves folded at the elbow

48. Favorite bottoms?

myself

49. Favorite interpretation of love? a tongue on my clit and fingers buried in my cunt

50. Favorite existential thought? we create god through our praying to him and the moment we stop, he ceases to exist.

51. Favorite scent? gasoline

52. Favorite human interaction?

prayer.

53. Favorite music genre? didn't you ask me this already

54. Favorite compliment? "you are the most interesting person i've ever met"

55. Favorite insult? "if i were you i would have killed myself a long time ago"

56. Favorite phone app? NOT wordscapes thats for sure

57. Favorite type of phone? my own

58. Favorite reading position? doggy style

59. Favorite sex position? i made that joke too soon. also doggy style

60. Favorite pair of shoes? love thy neighbor

61. Favorite animal? i know for certain you asked me this already. i love my cat

62. Favorite body feature (on yourself)? YESSS a good question. my tits

63. Favorite body feature (on others)? that cock

64. Favorite YouTube video? lasagna cat

65. Favorite YouTuber? i bet you'd like it if i said jerma wouldn't you

66. Favorite meme? is anyone even reading this

67. Favorite Tumblr post? the one i'm making as we speak

68. Favorite typeface? monospaced

69. Favorite selfie? absolutely not

70. Favorite holiday? valentine's day

71. Favorite computer brand? hal

72. Favorite lyrics? "Playing in the swamp of alligator blood Behind our house in the marshy lawn He'd always hold my head Under the water a little too long 'Cause he wanted me to be all guts, no glory "All survivor, no guilt," he said But he calls me his crocodile tears While I'm chained up to the bed"

73. Favorite moment? this one.

74. Favorite advice? my mother once told me to never bluff with a gun.

75. Favorite message you’ve ever received? purity is what you make of it. god loves you all the same.

76. Favorite message you’ve ever sent? i love you more than anything.

77. Favorite outfit? nothing at all.

78. Favorite aesthetic? menhera

79. Favorite musical instrument? hmm

80. Favorite car brand? ha

81. Favorite fandom? ew

82. Favorite emoji? ✨

83. Favorite hobby? poetry

84. Favorite TV show character? jughead riverdaleF JFWEIOJFWEIOFJ

85. Favorite book character? jughead riverdale

86. Favorite movie that’s coming out? how do i know if i like it if it hasn't come out yet

87. Favorite designer brand? versace

88. Favorite dessert? tiramisu

89. Favorite kink? not on main

90. Favorite dance move? raise the dead

91. Favorite diet? cocaine addiction

92. Favorite rap verse? does anyone actually answer these

93. Favorite drug? see question 91

94. Favorite country? City? lebanon

95. Favorite feeling? being choked while i cum

96. Favorite picture on the Internet?

97. Favorite phone and/or computer background? i like a good calendar

98. Favorite weather? overcast snowy

99. Favorite mode of transportation? boat

100. Favorite console? wii was superior

#mine #unreality tw #not sfw

[bellyhurts]

its been like 17 minutes since i told myself id do homework i need to do it but i just spent all that time reading through all my tumblr post...

god i hate myself

not bc of the homework thing ill get it done but because of just reading the posts

not really i dont think

i just hate myself

but not actually

just a little

maybe i feel bad for myself...

no self pity is lame

god do i hate myself?

when i read the posts i know edxactly what ii was refering to at the time... but i dont think i make my psots easy to decipher all the time

like when i saw the posts that said "im so nervous" and "nervous nancy" followed by the psot a few hours later saying wtf why do i actully have rizz" and then "wtf is wrong with me" im like: oh my god!! i know why i was posting that at the time!! like wowowowow thats how i was feeling thats wild!

i really do feel for myself.. why am i this way???? everyone probably pities themself sometimes.

idk i didnt deserve that... and i shouldnt do that.. wouldnt trade it for anything though. i wont stop though

im not evil im just human

im just learning

im scared for when i reach the age where i cant say that anymore...

is everything gonna be okay?

everything IS okay. i get GREAT grades, i have a good home life, i have 2 close friends, i get to walk and listen to music all the time...

i think that part of it is jealousy but theres always a wishing to get worse you know?

i don't think i'll ever be fejwlfjew but i think thats okay... im happy. i think. edcept for when i think about things too much

i pity myself

i guess i pray to the future me. you know? i wonder if i typed all my old posts knowing that the future me would read them and be like a therapist from another time...telling msyelf not to worry. i think i just did it because i need to say things and i dont have anyone that i call spew all my dumb stuff to without annoying them or making them think im mentally ill which i am not.

plus i need a place to be self centered. i guess this is that... some place hwere i only talk about me. im okay with no one listening irl because i dont want to portray myself as insane. there are some things that can only be written too. i wouldnt want to talk to my therapist about a lot of things because i dont want him thinking im insane. i know thats a therapists job but im saying like theres stuff that i really shouldnt say.. scared maybe. i wanna educate myself on law or soemhitng so i know what my therapist can tell my mother or can get me admitted for.

do i even want help? i seriously dont think so. the better i get the worse i want to get. right now im in a good middle ground. im happy, i dont cause conflict in the house too much, im not exhausting myself, i get things done, life is pretty okay. sometimes i will participate in some efwljfkwel activities though. maybe thats just my way to cope. its not harming anyone,, and i really dont believe its harming the present me too much.

maybe itll harm the future me like how my past decisions currently hurt me. not out of regret but out of pity. it just hurts that i did that... you know?

i really should do my homework but i have time (Not really)

im thinking of doing the bare minimum rn and waking up extra early to finish everytihng up. probably what i wanna do.

i know its only been a week of school since the weekend (weird way to phrase it??) but i need a break. im fine with school its not tiring or anything but god i need a break from life. not like life life but i mean hanging out with people, having things i need to do, etc. i need a week where im all alone. i love my friends but god i need alone time. i always feel so guilty when i dont hang out with them though because i dont wanna be lonely or lose friendships so i find myself hanging out with my friends mainly to "maintain friendships". i love them so much but please i need time.

this post is making me sound so mentally unwell but im doing so fine i promise (who am i promising?)

god

why is my heart rate so fast

lemme count it rq

okay its actually pretty normal its 80-ish bpm but it feels fast

i feel so shaky

i wonder if its the sugar i had earlier... i know some foods or larger amounts of fodos always make my heart feel fast and make me shaky but i havent really discovered what foods those are.

im always so nervous posting on here because what if i say something that makes this all tracable to me. i dont wanna lose opportunities beause of some dumb tumblr posts.

i know i should use like my journal or something but its comforting knowing that this can be viewed by someone for some reason. i mean id be mortified if someone told me they read all my posts but idk. maybe also its nice because i can always lose a physical notebook or lose the passord to my google docs but tumblr is public and i can always look at this tomfoolery from another account. plus this feels less formal. in my actual physical journal im very messy and i get sucked in when i write but its so messy its unreadable, it cramps my hand, and sometimes feels inconvenient. on my actual online journal i established it as something more formal... for life and mental updates for myself. im scared

i dont know why but im so scared

im so so so scared

god why did i just feel like i was about to cry

i want to curl up and cry so loudly in my moms lap while she tells me its okay but i cant i cant i cant. if i did she would think im mentally unwell which im not and id be such an inconvience to her.

last time i cried in her arms she told me that i gotta "say everything" to my therapist and that he can help me. help me with what?? she said that i deserve someone good that can help me? i told her that im normal.. she told me that she didnt want a normal daughter she wanted a happy daughter. i am happy. i just repeated that im normal because i know she sees me as different in some way. i see her as different in soem way too. i think i'd see my sister different than everyone else if i didn't judge her so much. i feel so insensitive but i always invalidate my sisters issues/struggles because i feel like i had it worse and that she has it so well. i konw its so bad and i need to remind myself that... she is a human being, she will struggle, and i should be happy that what i was so used to makes her suffer... im glad she's not used to badness like i was. that makes me sound so emo but you know. i just invalidate her so much.

anways. i think that seeing someone so closely..knowing them almost better than you know yourself will make you see them as less normal. or something. i dont know. i know my mom sees me as different. i doubt she sees my sister as so different than society. maybe its because im socially a little odd. she thinks i try to push people away/unsettle them. i dont. im just awkward around a lot of people. i like telling myself that im not everyones cup of tea. maybe thats just a way to excuse my social stupidity. my best freind always asks me how can i find myself socially stupid if im friends with like everyone. maybe shes right, but i dont think os. im not friends with anyone. weve just been conditioned to be nice to everyone and people are nice to me. yes people trust me, yes i have inside jokes/ get alogn with a lot of people... but do you seriously think i hang out with them outside of school? we use the word freind too loosely. if i never text someone, we only talk in school, and never hang out outside of school... no matter how much we know about each other, no matter if we've seen each other cry, no matter how long we've been "friends," we are NOT friends and thats okay. i try to be agreeable. people think im funny at least.

i need my mom to hug me and let me cry into her arms but i dont want her judging me or worrying about me i just need my mom. god im about to cry. why do i make myself feel this way? this was just supposed to be a post about not doing my homework.. now im writing like a multiparagraph essay. i need to say things. i guess i need to organize my thoughts. speak to the void.

you know i think i write in this because i know that future me will read it... emaning that future me will be alive. meanign that i'll be alive in the future. meaning that everything will be okay. if future me is alive, it means she overcame things, and shes now smarter, and as she's reading these paragraphs, she remembers how she used to feel, and pities her old self once again. and then maybe writes more to the future future me. and the cycle continues. until im dead i guess. maybe someone else.. a child? will work as a future future future x1000 me.. i doubt it. i dont think someone will ever care about me as a person so much as to read everyting ive thought. im currently pretty much just writing my thougts. nothing is organized. im just rambling. i would film a video but i dont have space in my camera roll, and even if i did, i would never want a video of myself saying stuff. some things are better kept written. anwyays. hello future me. and the future me after that. etc. i wonder if im laughing at this in the future. probably... in some time in the future. i bet ill laugh while also pitying my current self. self pity is so lame.

speaking of children. honestly.

door is opening. my moms home. ive been writing for like an hour. homework for tomorrow i guess. ill maintain a convorsation with her while i write. actually maybe ill close my laptop and return to this later. i mean i could use the excuse that this is homework...

[akgaereporter]

nct: taeyong and haechan's silly ass "scandals" recently

tldr: a week or so ago taeyong posted a tiktok with chaewon's "dododok" mistake and got so much hate from knetz he deleted it + a few members were dancing during yuta's ment at nct nation and people were calling them disrespectful for that but only focused on haechan.

so im coming to tumblr to rant because twitter stans are getting on my fawking nerves and i know everything i say on that hellish app is pointless because dumb btches will always be dumb btches.

honestly being an nctzen on twitter has never been enjoyable for an extended period of time because this godforsaken fandom is literally a homeless shelter for so many deranged chronically online kpop heads to beg for their pennies of attention. if we're being fr a lot of it has to do with the fcked up management of the group itself.. sm entertainment when i catch you in the streets ..

but recently the way two members in particular have been treated.. i cant even blame the fckass company for this level of degeneracy. yall just bitter and have an average screentime of 10 hours because how can you get so bored of supporting your fav you just start hating on them??? for no reason at all???

a couple days ago ty posted a tiktok with a silly remix audio of chaewons "dododok" mistake she made at a le sserafim's show on tour. that mistake literally went viral and basically all of the kpop industry laughed and copied it and called it cute, because that's what it is, just a cute little mistake we can giggle at and move tf on. the audio ty used was funny and created a trend that is currently going viral in korea.

instead of laughing, calling it a cute interaction, and going about their lives, knetz decided to wake up and be horrible people. what else is new bruh. of course big bad ty had an evil plan to mock the poor defenseless kim chaewon for her terrible mistake that deeply affected her..

please i almost kilt myself when i saw he deleted the tiktok. this is how jesus fans felt when he died like ty is quite literally an angel, his eyes sparkle and he giggles instead of laughing, how can you take him in as a person and still decide to actually bully him for next to nothing. like.. maybe you need to die idk.

and what gets me is the way they were acting like she said her dad died and he used an audio of that. its not that fcking serious dawg. she laughed at the damn joke herself and if they dont stop and pray that he privated the vid instead of deleting i will actually place a generational curse upon the families of pannchoa girls who cant keep his name out their mouth and I STAND BY THAT

and my bias, my boyfriend actually, my snookie ookie pookie bear haechan, god give me strength before i type this bullsht : during the last nct nation concert yuta started giving his ment in japanese, and some members at the other end of the line began dancing and messing around. they immediately stopped when ty motions them to. again, it isnt that fcking serious, but jobless neo investigators created discourse out of it. they didn't interrupt yuta or cause a fuss, they were literally just fidgeting around to pass the time because 20 speeches is a whole lot to listen to in silence.

but of course, its way more serious for nctzens, and furthermore haechan is the main evil villain of princess yutas fairy story. literally half the line started doing the dance but the only tweets getting likes included haechan's name. what the fck is wrong w these hoes seriously when i saw those tweets i thought they punched yuta in the face or sum. when i watched it i had a damn jaw drop at the audacity of these folk. they just keep getting worse at masking the animosity they have for their own favs, haechan in particular. yall claim to be his fans but jump on a hate train that isn't even 2 seconds old like.. are you even trying to like him? the video clearly shows the other members moving too, but somehow their eyes can only see haechans pretty little face and they just cant stand seeing him babygirling the way he did on the 17th of september 2023. it was never that fcking serious bitch, keep your nasty sticky keyboard fingers away from husband 1 and wife 2, i actually cannot stand seeing yall harass them for the stupidest pettiest shit this far and this many hits into their career. you literally know none of them have any ill intent behind the actions they do publicly, unless they say or do something outright offensive or malicious. so until they tell chaewon she's a stuttering ass bitch or roundhouse kick yuta off the stage, shut it up and stop using them for hit tweets damn

all of this just ties back to the fact nctzens are constantly watching THEIR OWN FAVS waiting for them to slip up. knetz chose ty and intlzens chose haechan. yall need to choose yourselves and get the fcking help you need because its not normal to hate on people you have a fan account for. be careful who you call oomf cause these fawking hybrid bitches got split personality disorders, all it takes is alt account and a dream. this is what happens when you choose silly idol boys instead of therapy and i mean that in the most helpful way

going to sleep mad asf smh

-also i was looking for taehyuck pics to put as a header for this post and i realized there's literally almost none?? hello?? haechan taeyong do yall even know each other?? not even a photoshoot or anything just some 10p quality debut pictures like damn haeyong nation yall are dead as hell 😢

#nctzens #taeyong #haechan #kpoptwt #kpop #twitter

[ourlittledinosaur]

Do not Let Conception Become Your Idol

New Post has been published on https://www.ourlittledinosaur.com/dont-let-conception-become-your-idol/

Do not Let Conception Become Your Idol

Disappointment

When my husband and I were wanting to have a baby, we expected that I would become pregnant within a few months. Three years later, we were frustrated and discouraged. I asked a friend of mine to pray. She had struggled for years and then had her miracle baby.

Wisely, she cautioned me, “Don’t let conception become your idol.”

This is something that I really needed to hear as I was letting our plan to have a baby overtake my life. I felt like less of a woman because I wasn’t becoming pregnant and I was resentful of my husband because I was certain he didn’t care as much as me. I know now I was angry with God although I wouldn’t have admitted it at the time. Why wasn’t He letting my husband and I have children?

God’s Grace is Sufficient for Me

We became certain that we just weren’t going to have any children naturally. I had to pray to the LORD daily and say, “My husband is enough for me.”

I realize now the error in this statement, even though it was a step in the right direction, what I should have been saying to God was, “Lord, YOU are enough.”

You see, God’s grace is sufficient in all circumstances.

Remember Jōb

Have you read the story of Jōb in the Bible? It’s fascinating. It makes me sad. It’s humbling, and it provides perspective.

This man literally lost everything. He lost his entire family. He lost all his wealth and possessions. He lost his good health. In all that, he did not dishonor God.

A Story with a Happy Ending

The story has a happy ending (my favorite kind of ending!). Job was blessed again by God with a family and wealth, but far beyond that, he was blessed with salvation. God’s grace was sufficient for him…even when it was the only thing he had.

So whether you are struggling with conception or a trial of a different type, seek God’s will as you remember that it is He who gives us our every breath. Our lives are a gift.

Perspective

One of the lessons I learned because of the time we waited for God to bless us with our son, is that it is God who opens the womb.

Only He can create life. No amount of “trying” on our part was going to do any good without God’s timing. My husband and I didn’t “make a baby”. God made a baby, and He gave us charge over him.

I thank God for our son. I thank Him for entrusting this little person to us and we pray that we will raise him to be a good, kind, and God-fearing man.

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

Like this post? Help us and others by Sharing!

Share List

SGMB_URL = "/wp-content/plugins/social-media-pro/"; jQuery(".dropdownWrapper").hide(); SGMB_GOOGLE_ACOUNT = "UA-88059982-5"; jQuery(document).ready(function($)var widget = new SGMBWidget();widget.show("id":"1","title":"Share All","options":"currentUrl":"1","url":"","shareText":"I really enjoyed this, I think you will too!","fontSize":"20","betweenButtons":"1px","theme":"classic","sgmbButtonsPosition":"bottomCenter","socialTheme":"classic","icon":"default","buttonsPanelEffect":"No Effect","buttonsEffect":"tada","iconsEffect":"No Effect","buttons":"\"mewe\":\"label\":\"Share\",\"icon\":\"default-mewe\",\"stumbleupon\":\"label\":\"Share\",\"icon\":\"default-stumbleupon\",\"email\":\"label\":\"E-mail\",\"icon\":\"default-email\",\"linkedin\":\"label\":\"Share\",\"icon\":\"default-linkedin\",\"pinterest\":\"label\":\"Pin this\",\"icon\":\"default-pinterest\",\"tumblr\":\"label\":\"Post\",\"icon\":\"default-tumblr\",\"twitter\":\"label\":\"Tweet\",\"icon\":\"default-twitter\",\"via\":\"\",\"hashtags\":\"#parenthood\",\"twitterFollow\":\"twitterFollowShowCounts\":\"\",\"setLargeSizeForTwitterFollow\":\"on\",\"followUserName\":\"OurLilDinosaur\",\"facebook\":\"label\":\"Share\",\"icon\":\"default-facebook\"","roundButton":"","showLabels":"","showCounts":"on","showCenter":"on","showButtonsAsList":"","sgmbDropdownColor":"","sgmbDropdownLabelFontSize":"14","sgmbDropdownLabelColor":"","showButtonsOnEveryPost":"on","selectedOrExcluded":"","showButtonsOnEveryPage":"","textOnEveryPost":"Like this post? Help us and others by Sharing!","showButtonsOnCustomPost":"","textOnCustomPost":"","showButtonsOnMobileDirect":"on","showButtonsOnDesktopDirect":"on","sgmbSelectedPages":[""],"sgmbExcludedPosts":[""],"sgmbSelectedCustomPosts":[],"showButtonsInPopup":"","titleOfPopup":"Please share it!","descriptionOfPopup":"Go ahead and share our site if you liked it!","showPopupOnLoad":"","showPopupOnScroll":"","showPopupOnExit":"","openSecondsOfPopup":"","googleAnaliticsAccount":"UA-88059982-5","buttonOptions":"mewe":"label":"Share","icon":"default-mewe","stumbleupon":"label":"Share","icon":"default-stumbleupon","email":"label":"E-mail","icon":"default-email","linkedin":"label":"Share","icon":"default-linkedin","pinterest":"label":"Pin this","icon":"default-pinterest","tumblr":"label":"Post","icon":"default-tumblr","twitter":"label":"Tweet","icon":"default-twitter","via":"","hashtags":"#parenthood","twitterFollow":"twitterFollowShowCounts":"","setLargeSizeForTwitterFollow":"on","followUserName":"OurLilDinosaur","facebook":"label":"Share","icon":"default-facebook","button":["mewe","stumbleupon","email","linkedin","pinterest","tumblr","twitter","twitterFollow","facebook"], 4, '', '/wp-content/plugins/social-media-pro//img/no-image.png', '', ''); );

jQuery(".socialMediaOnEveryPost").addClass("sgmb-center")

#Conception #Pregnancy

[violentdevotion]

when I was a kid and I wanted smth enough to pray for it I would make barters with God, like small stuff like "if I get this ill do the dishes everyday for a week" the big one I used a lot was id learn my native language, which in hindsight makes no sense cos why would God care if I can speak apni or not, but it was smth my parents were constantly making me feel bad about not being able to do. and I was never really taught how to pray for something so during Ramadan I had asked my mum and she said you just gotta ask and if it's good for you it'll come

#diary time!! #idk what the point of this post is but when i told her what i used to do as a kid she started laughing and like omg you had the audacity t #make promises like that and like idk the way i view it is everything i bartered was stuff my parents would want me to do #so isnt that a better reflection of my relationship with them rather than God? #i also think its funny how i dont remember any of the things i prayed for - but tbf i had a relatively easy childhood thankfully #but i Do have a very clear memory of promising to do everything i could think of #considering idk my native language i think its safe to say i didnt get the stuff or did and forgot i had asked #idk why i didnt just pray to learn it easier....? #ALSO they were RELENTLESS in that i couldnt speak my nstive language but i was a CHILD. YOU TEACH ME how was i meant to learn?? duolingo?? #and whenever i did try they laughed at my pronunciation of words and made me embarrassed so i stopped trying #and they still get on my back abt me not knowing #and its crazy cos its THEIR fault #also also i say God in this post and obvs i mean Allah but i just feel // about typing it in a tumblr post? doesnt make sense but i like #Cant make myself type The Proper name #ameera speaks

[nadjadoll]

Coconut, cherry, pecan for the colour asks 💫

coconut: a subject you enjoy learning about

Nature! One of my favorite things to watch are nature documentaries, I put them on while I'm writing as background noise but I just end up watching the show haha

I've really been into shark documentaries lately?? They terrify me but they're so cool

cherry: youtubers you enjoy watching

Oh boy! Youtube is like my main source of entertainment so here we go

Dan and Phil - I rewatch their Sims 4 series at least 5 times a year and I hope one day they'll come back to it

Drawfee Show - It's a channel about drawing goofy things but the entire crew is so funny and friendly that I would watch anything they put out. Two of the group Jacob and Julia also have their own twitch channel where they stream a lot and I love them so much, I watch every single one of their streams

Plumbella - The only simmer I watch because she doesn't sugar coat anything, gives good pack reviews and has my exact sense of humor

The Mcelroys - Monster factory and the adventure zone, need I say more

The Game Theorists - I got so hooked on those minecraft and fnaf theories

Buzzfeed Unsolved - Ghost Boys! Buzzfeed Supernatural and True Crime are better than any other ghost/crime documentary out there them's the facts

Call Me Kevin - I love Kevin's sense of humor and his sims 4 series is what keeps me alive these days

Outside Xbox - Jane Andy and Mike work so well together and I love watching their Hitman series every so often

Loepsie - I'm not big into beauty youtubers or anything but she seems so genuine and has really really good vintage hair/makeup tutorials

Honorable mentions that I used to be really into but not so much anymore are: Buzzfeed Multiplayer (literally just for the 100 baby series), Jacksepticeye, Markiplier, 8bitRyan

pecan: shuffle your playlist, whats the forst song that comes up

new americana - halsey

#me praying to the tumblr gods that this posts so i dont have to type out that whole youtuber section again #thank you so much!

[simisaint]

I apologise and I hope you'll forgive me for using your simblr askbox for this but i just read your rants on your writing blog and I had to drop by. You can ignore this ask if it oversteps boundaries. I hope people can see n understand that writing fics is not your source of income and respect the fact that your office job is what gets your bills paid. I dont think they've got any right to say "leave the company" type-thing to you when they dont know the whole story, it's just unecessary advice-

I really hope people, instead of screaming at you to update SY with their pitchforks in the air, wait patiently for the update (WHENEVER u decide to do so) and at least empathise with your situation as working people/corporate slaves themselves. Im sure most of us are the same so I dont understand why some have the nerve to act entitled on the internet? I mean i get it that the story might be something they were looking forward to but god, its not just them who have lives separate of tumblr. (2)

I'm now ranting, I'm sorry but seeing you apologise for not updating SY when you already said you've put the series on hiatus till 19th May didnt sit well with me. I didnt think you needed to apologise when you've said time and time again that your promotion has left you with very little free time on your hands. Doesn't that clearly mean that you wont be able to update your fics as quick and frequent as SN got updated cause you literally don't have free time? Shouldn't people respect that? (3)

And shouldn't they respect the fact that free time doesn't always mean that you're gonna spend it all on writing SY?? Like, fuck i'm so fucking mad rn. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with entitled readers too who think that all your free time should be devoted to writing fics only. You genuinely sound so fucking stressed, frustrated and thoroughly overworked in your posts, Saint and I hope people fucking open their eyes to see it instead of being Seras and seeing only their woes. (4)

I do hope and pray you get your break and rest first cause i know you've got your personal reasons for putting yourself through this whole overworking ordeal and i'm no one to tell you what to do or not. I can just hope for your good mental and physical health and for your boss to not ask you to cover full shifts last minute when you've already worked full time for yours the entire week. Again, before I forget, PLEASE, update SY at YOUR pace. (5)

I've been locked in ever since u posted SN1 so im not leavin til' I get SY15 (OH WAIT, ill have to get off the roller coaster if u ever discontinue it, which is totally fine too! pls dont take that as me pushing u to finish sy T-T im sorry) Take your time with it. You're already risking your health over your job rn and u dont need to do that with writing- something that's your escape. ANYWAY, ive talked bs for way too long and i apologise if this all isn't coherent and for repetitive ask-ings. 6

it’s okkk and thank u, i appreciate u sm :’( i’m sorry you had to see me freaking out earlier. i’m truly just fed up and exhausted with my life outside of this web space. i only apologized for not being able to post frequent updates bc i want readers to understand that i’m not abandoning sy by choice. in fact, i get very veryyy sad that i can’t find the time to write it. i feel bad that i can’t even have proper conversations with my moots here and they prob think i’m ignoring them 😭 i also just came across this post where two of my readers are having an exchange abt how sy has slow updates and it’s making them lose interest and i was kinda hurt but i understand tbh sddjfjsjs but YOU, ILY AND I HOPE YOU’RE HAVING A WONDERFUL DAY. tysm for dropping by and for understanding my situation (ik i sound dramatic but aaaaaaa)

i’ll open anon on main so u can reach out there too <33

#[✉️] anon.

[bbarican]

life updates: november 09, 2021

work:

my seniors recently complimented me again saying na im a really efficient junior designer and that my main senior is so lucky to have me work with her in all of her projects

yung makati project namin nakakatawa nalang kasi ang daming extra na gustong pagawa nung client namin so syempre madedelay yung turnover pero sila din tong atat mag move it; pls make it make sense po

yung alabang project naman namin, hindi mafinalize ng boss namin yung mga details kasi magboboracay daw muna siya; basta ako ill finalize everything on my end para wala siyang masabi

also! im super duper excited for this one: my ninang asked for my help in designing her condo unit so thats basically going to be my first ever freelance project! wish me luck! im about to prep for our meeting tomorrow too before i go to bed

praying to god na wala kaming ganap masyado sa work para keri kong pumunta ng ust after lunch

last for work: i have officially decided to take the board exam next year meaning i have to email my bosses already regarding my plans on filing for leave from march to july; fingers crossed they allow it!

family:

im so glad my dad is feeling much better; yes, i always am annoyed at him but i really do love him and care about him so much

i am: confused cause my younger brother didnt enjoy bungalow's homer donut as much as i did; IT WAS THE BEST DONUT EVER

my lola is staying over for the night and having her here at home always makes me feel safer than usual

i miss my mom and brother; i cant wait for my mom to come home

syempre di na ko magkukunwari, excited na din ako sa mga pasalubong ng nanay ko yahu

friends:

im so fucking excited to see my bestfriends; we're going back to the beach for tiger's birthday and im just so excited to spend a weekend with them especially since its been so long since we all last hung out

i miss my tumblr bestfriends a lot; sometimes i wish it was 2020 again when all we were doing was staying up late on zoom and literally just playing games and watching movies and talking about everything under the sun and planning random meet ups and actually ending up meeting up with almost everybody

im really excited to review with my bestfriends too and go cafe hopping once review season starts! also syempre matik na din yan, lagi sila matutulog dito sa bahay

personal life:

my puson is hurting a bit and im kind of getting worried na its either 1.) pcos related since i do have pcos or 2.) its something to do with the fact na ang lakas ko nanaman sa juice, soda, and coffee

i have to drink water ONLY i swear to god i do not want to get sick at all, especially in this pandemic

got my first ever 13th month pay today! i really really really need to save kasi i dont want to go into review season with an empty bank account

which means, no coffee or pastry runs whenever im out of the house; i seriously need to discipline myself para din i dont keep gaining more and more weight

i am itching to fix and reorganize and clean my room; cannot wait for the weekend kasi ito talaga gagawin ko

eamon and bec, you have stolen my heart; plus your accents are the cutest thing ever

watching their videos just made me really really want to visit morocco soon cause ive been wanting to go their for so long already

love:

syempre wala

if youve made it this far into my post, thank you so much. i just felt extra chatty this evening and i feel like i had to type everything down cause if i dont, i wont remember them with how busy i am. i hope you guys are doing okay and please know that if you ever feel like just typing everything as well, go for it. just go for it! who cares what other people say? either way, again, i hope you guys have a really lovely tuesday evening and i hope the rest of the week treats us well!

#bbarican #prsnl #thoughts #writings #life #love #work #family #updates #recently

[chanzene]

I posted 2,039 times in 2021

33 posts created (2%)

2006 posts reblogged (98%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 60.8 posts.

I added 131 tags in 2021

#me - 28 posts

#posted - 23 posts

#blackwoman - 17 posts

#mine - 16 posts

#art - 13 posts

#capricorn moon - 10 posts

#blackgirlmagic - 9 posts

#blackwomen - 5 posts

#blackgirls - 5 posts

#spotify - 5 posts

Longest Tag: 39 characters

#postingandhasingtaggingaboutblackbodies

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Create the type of boundaries to not feel used anymore. When we can not control or influence how a person is. We then have to contour how a person engages with us. There are somethings that we say we will pray about when we simply should say NO. God is not trying to get you to take care of more than you can bare and disrupt your peace. God already gave you the answer, by the way it made you feel being taken for granted or disrespected. Bitterness at the end of the day because you didn’t use the proper assertion, to control how one deals with you in your own space. Put in boundaries to start helping you work on your health. Doing what is necessary to create a healthy environment for yourself. At the end of the day you have a responsibility to yourself first. Make sure you are doing what is necessary to take care of your soul. From the place of that soul care and the health of that soul your going to create an environment that betters anyone in your space including you.

But the fear of hurting someone’s feelings or the fear of creating conflict. Often keeps us from creating the certain boundaries that we ultimately need for our mental health. 

Allowing your mental to be controlled and having others manipulate you is not going to help you garner an environment for oneself. Take back the control and live the life pleasing to you. No longer kneel to the needs of others. Hurting your back bending over. INSTEAD straighten out that back. It’s time to stand up.

Still if your emotionally receptive to another persons behavior or responses. You might need to dial back so you can assess what needs to be changed. So that you’re serving yourself. Know your worth and dont be prey.

Continued disappointments because of the desire for someone to be the way you want them to be. It’s a Toxic cycle. Change the desire release the disappointments. Hopes that are not being met because deep down you’re looking for someone else to come save you, fill a void, or heal you. Take care of yourself.

Anything one sided is not good. Don’t sacrifice yourself and still be unhappy.

10 notes • Posted 2021-05-24 02:55:54 GMT

#4

Take me back to vacation.

12 notes • Posted 2021-07-27 06:26:41 GMT

#3

Donna Summer is such a dream. I love this new remastered album I’m a Rainbow 🌈.

Brings me such joy and feminine vibes.

27 notes • Posted 2021-11-20 00:48:43 GMT

#2

See the full post

36 notes • Posted 2021-10-10 12:39:58 GMT

#1

See the full post

75 notes • Posted 2021-05-31 01:01:10 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #new year #birthday tomorrow #me #posted #blackwoman #blackwomen #sagseason

[anarcho-pogasm]

why i think christianity is just one big abusive relationship

tw for christianity, abuse, sexism, racism, uh f slur (f4g), some phrases can be read as antisemitic (i speak very negatively about biblical jews) but i am not antisemitic.

so. all this info is based on personal experience with both topics. I have done little to no research. if you disagree or think i worded something wrong, dm me and i'll edit this post if your points are reasonable.

yes i am a christian (i think) i believe that God exists and there's heaven and hell and angels, but that's it. i don't like going to church or praying or reading the bible and i hate being referred to as christian and i used to call myself an agnostic but apparently if you believe that god exists you're a christion so um LOL. (pls dont cancel me in one of the good ones idc if you fuck in ikea or if youre a fag i swear i only belive that god exists and thats it)

i think we all know what an abusive relationship is. It's a relationship where one person(or people) has a hierarchy over another person(or people) usually most abusive relationships are physical, emotional, or sexual. but there's also mental abuse, power dynamics, exploitation, etc

christianity is ticks almost all the boxes of different types of abuse.

Now abuse is a complex thing. i cant talk much about it in a tumblr text post. if not, id have to make multple parts of this (ill make more parts if people like this one enough ig) so im going to start with things that dont seem abusive but actually are

power dynamics: simply put, power dynamics are usually relationships where one person has more power in the relationship, usually outside of a romantic or sexual setting. for example we have an employer and an employee, a government official and a civilian, an MMA fighter and a teenager, etc. the difference in power can be physical, social, monetary etc.

Now i dont really know what kind of power dynamic that is the most prevalent in christianity(because its a delicious soup of so many things that seperating all the elements is close to impossible), but a really nice one is the rift between pastors and their congregation. the pastor(preachers and priests apply to this but im just gonna use pastor) is usually seen as the head of the church, most times hes more financially stable than his congregation(hmmm i wonder why....), hes seen as a person who could do no wrong by god, he is above his congregation in many ways. another example is between christians and God but uh i feel like if i say more about that sky daddy will kill me himself.

'But good golly Light, how would you relate this to other abusive relationships?'

Think about a stereotypical relationship with a power dynamic. (im sorry but the only example i can think of is meredith grey and her italian himbo bf). reread the last few paragraphs. do you understand now?

emotional abuse: good golly this is a big one.

do you know how many times ive heard a christian say shit like 'God only loves you if you do x and stop doing y' (cough cough being gay cough) or 'if you dont become a jesus kinnie youll go to hell and burn forever? well ive heard it a lot of times, and i never bothered to count

think about those examples i just gave, and think about how twisted it is. think about a little child, maybe she's 5. think about her parents telling her everyday that 'God only loves her if she keeps her virginity till shes married or stays straight and cis or doesnt get tatoos or piercings or only wears clothing that will glorify the lord' this little child is being groomed to beleiving that shes only worth God's love when she deprives herself of so many things that would make her happy (and idk i remember the bible saying that God's love is unconditional... curious....) if you dont think thats emotionally manioulative then damn im so sorry for you

sexism/patriarchy: LOL this is a good one

there really isnt that much of an explanation for this one. modern christians see women as objects. literally. women have no worth in the eyes if your average bible thumper.

a woman is not allowed any autonomy. a woman is only useful when she stays away from men, a virgin doesn't drink all to please her future equally bible thumping husband.

there are so many bible verses that go along the lines of 'woman bad man good woman only exist for man pleasure'

and yes i have proof: I Timothy 2:11-14; Exodus 2:18; Deuteronomy 21:11-14; Luke 2:22; Ephesians 5:22-23

finding those verses were not hard at all. it was quite literally a 2 minute google search. imagine what i would find if i spent hours scouring the bible for shit like this? (and i rlly think you should look up these verses theyre really fucked)

racism: LOLE this is an incredible funny one (and not funny in a funny way funny in a this is so sad and sick but if i dont laugh i might go crazy and bitchslap a jesus kinnie)

disclaimer that the concept of race is v different now than it was then. i dont know much about it, i refuse to do any research on it, but ik that the notions of race would be different from the ones over 2000 years ago

okay so i think we already know that christianity is a white people thing (quite literally. the only reason its so widely spread is bc of slavery and colonialism) and we know that a lot of radical christians are v racist (i mean they already think tht they have a moral high ground bc a really old book said so so racism really isnt a stretch)

theres a lot of verses in the bible where Jews (gods chosen people) beat up and kill and steal from and rape etc the gentiles (god hates the gentiles for some reason, then turns around and says he loves all his children... curious...)

theres also a lot of jew/gentile segregation in the bible.

in the old testament almost all the chapters are about gods chosen people murdering everyone they disagree with for and or food or bc they worship other gods or just bc god said so. Jews would take the gentiles and rape them, kill their children, use them as slaves (seems a bit caucasian to me... hmmm), steal from them, all kinds of fucked up shit all bc theyre not Jews.

(okay this is not a jab at present day jewish people. jewish people are very opressed and theyre completely different from their biblical counterparts. dont go up to a jewish person and say that theyre evil bc of what their ancestors did 2k years ago)

[ivy-kissobryos]

hi, im kinda new to witchcraft and i dont really know anything (prayers, rituals, beliefs, etc), plus there's a lot of contrasting info online so i don't know what i should go with. could you please briefly explain how you view witchcraft and what you do? i'm going around asking this to a lot of other blogs to get a general sense of things. thanks!

Before we begin I just wanna point out that when you say prayers and beliefs, I think of paganism. When I hear ritual and witchcraft, I think of magic.

Religion and magic is intertwined but you do not have to be pagan or wicca or whatever to be a witch, or vise versa. For me, a witch is someone who practices magic, whether it be simple things like jar spells or folk magic or traditional witchcraft or anything ceremonial or ritualistic (although some ceremonial magic practitioners prefer the term magician over witch, which is up to them). A diviner is someone who uses divination tools such as tarot or pendulums to seek knowledge (and again, you can be a diviner without ever touching witchcraft). Spirit work and hedge work is also another area for you to look into.

You can be a pagan - lighting incense, praying and making offerings - without being a witch either. Some say there is inherent magic in worship, but personally, if you just worship but don’t practice witchcraft (do spells etc) then you’re just a follower of a pagan religion. And there is nothing wrong with that. Of course, you can also be all that I mentioned above simultaneously too, but there is no hurry to quickly define yourself when you’re starting out. Changing the way you label yourself or your craft as you grow (or foregoing a label in the first place) is equally valid too.

More info on some beginner tips + my views on witchcraft below.

If you’re starting out some times I’d give are:

Learn how to protect yourself. Energy work and shielding techniques is how I started, or calling on Archangels if you believe in them. Once I was more comfortable I began learning how to use witch bottles to defend myself, how to banish (look up the LBRP) and more.

Read and read and read! Not on Tumblr but actual books (the legit ones, not the trendy money-milking ones) and historical sources. If there are contradicting sources, use your gut and your brain. Check for author bias and cross-check with other sources. Listen to your intuition yet use critical thinking and discernment too.

Record and test your divination and spells. See if a prediction comes true. Test if a spell manifest the desired result within the given time frame. If you do a wealth spell, then the spell’s success will be confirmed by increased wealth. Try altering your methods, and note if you become more successful or accurate and adapt accordingly.

Don’t be pressured to spend loads of money on your craft especially when you’re starting out. Of course, you may want to give fancy wine as an offering to your god, but if that isn’t feasible then a home cooked meal alongside traditional offerings such as bread would be alright too. Also with books, of course it is good to support occult publishers but try borrowing from libraries, find e-books and use your university account to borrow them, or find PDFs of them online.

Personally, it may not be suitable for complete beginners but I recommend books by Troy Books for witchcraft info. For learning Lenormand, the Complete Lenormand Oracle Handbook by Caitlin Matthews is the best. I know it’s 600+ pages but I swear it’s so good.

For me, witchcraft is about power. When you feel like there isn’t anywhere else to go, when your friends seem distant or unable to comprehend what you’re struggling with, when the law has failed you and corruption has won, witchcraft is a way to redirect your life and regain your sovereignty. Which is why I also believe in hexes and, in some context, curses (although I know it’s a can of worms to open and I’ll make posts on hexes and curses one day).

Divination is used to give you guidance and insight into something that may take you forever to figure out by yourself. It is also a way to communicate with the divine. What I am against though, is using divination to spy on others, as you’re essentially destroying other people’s rights to privacy. Claiming 100% accuracy is also an act of hubris, which is why I always say that my readings are reasonably accurate because in the end, free will triumphs over all and even the strings of fate has many threads.

If your relationship with a deity is rooted in transaction, then it can be said that you are working with them, not worshiping or devoting yourself to them. A devotional pagan relationship between oneself and one’s deity can be transactional too (eg: I worship Dionysus and he helps me with giving me opportunities to grow, along with giving guidance on my path) but what is more important is the devotion - the love and bond - you have with said deity.

Where the line between witchcraft and paganism blurs is when you involve deities in your spell or divination.

When I was young I used to dismiss the incantations that the monks in my country use. However, one day I went to a ceremony where almost a hundred monks gather and pray, casting their spells in unison, and even with my initial derisive views towards conventional Buddhism I felt something that day. Now, I realize when certain words have been spoken and imbued with power and continues to be recited with fervent faith for hundreds or thousands of years, power becomes inherent in those words. The same goes for rituals and spells.

This is why a beginner who had never managed to manifest anything properly can screw up when doing ceremonial witchcraft and end up bringing misfortune into their lives. Those ceremonies are meant to be performed that way, invoking those gods, for a reason. Best case scenario when you mess up is they don’t work. Worse case is they bite you back. Same goes for spirit work and especially so regarding demon work. I was curious about the Ars Goetia in the past, and I am immensely grateful that my naive, idiotic past self had enough brains not to attempt any summoning. If you want to prove to yourself that the magical world is real, there are better ways to do so.

Do I believe the gods are literally real? That Buddha walked his first step and a lotus flower bloomed under his feet? That Dionysus wrapped a ship in vines and turned the disbelieving pirates into dolphins? I don’t think so. But I have faith in my gods the same way one can be a Christian without believing that the Earth is 9000 years old. And I believe in magic because I have felt it and observed the evidence.

Maybe it was easier for me to believe because I grew up in an animistic and spiritual country, where things like divination and spirit work is ‘normal’ (although people do fear and respect the supernatural). Making offerings to household spirits is something my family does weekly. Hell, almost every family has a mini spirit house in their property that hosts the spirit of land guardians. Going to shrines and praying to our local version of ‘dryads’ and ‘tree ghost’ is common for if you want good luck or a bargain.

Messing with corpses is now outlawed, but witch doctors in my country have been known to make consecrated oil from the corpses of women. As recent as 2012, stillborn fetus had been used in ceremonies which turn them into household spirits to bring luck - if they are pleased and fond of you. Of course, magic of these types are against the law because the actions required to perform them are illegal, but the point is, it shows that magic is very real and still believed in where I come from.

If you’re coming from a western worldview where all of this is ‘weird’ or ‘primitive’ or ‘crazy’, it might feel difficult to trust in your supernatural senses, to have faith or to find your path. But if you keep practicing and refining your skills, you’ll find that magic is something that will always draws you back to it, that it is something you cannot live without.

#about me #witchcraft #paganism #hellenic #dionysus* #tarot #lenormand #energy work #witchblr

[madmadmilk]

sad sad milk time hahahah 

the bigger my tumblr gets the more annoying i feel hahahaha like i keep checking my activity and get /frustrated/ that it’s not what it used to be?? but also... i’m not posting like i used to so what do i expect??? it’s just like watching the numbers and like it’s fun sometimes but other times i’m like oh woo look at how u flatlined. 

eh i don’t like feel ~bad~ but i also have a weird pressure that feels like i’m never delivering teh stuff that people want to see? like i wanna get back to writin but i’m so blaahh about it rn, i would rather draw or just sit in silence (the past few months). idk haha it always makes me scared to post my writing again but whatever it’s fine. i keep opening google docs and type like a few paragraphs everyday but it’s not finishing itself..... like i swear to GOD domino and kiss currency part 0 are like already done i just have to go over it–– but yeah no one asks for updates which is nice but also sad but also yeah idk 

i’m happy to still see people come in and out...? i just feel out of the loop –– but the thing about the internet is that u will literally miss (one) thing and be out of sync forever. awesome, right?

ehhhhhhhh.... and i’m sorry i havne’t been responding to asks quickly idk what’s wrong with me haha. i love gettting questions and i keep saving them or half-answering things but i just haven’t posted anything...? it’s bleeding into real life too where i’m just not replying to messages idk why lol

for real i just kinda want everyone/everything to go away and like sit down and catch up with my boyfriend like ew. i haven’t been with him for more than 2 hours in like what feels like months.... and i dont’ need A Man to make myself be anything or complete m, but i do want My Man so we can just hold hands and look at memes

i think i just need to recharge but idk how to do that because there’s alwasy Some Thing that has to be done now, or for tomorrow or whatever.

hm i’m like on my period rn too so maybe i need to just chill out and bubble tea idk

oh and the huge ffcking probject i’ve been doing at work will end in 2 weeks, and then i have the ariana grande concert and then maybe i’ll feel better haha. but then i have to start looking for a new job, and then like endgame comes out and then awesomecon and like idk–– the future is coming for me

anxxiety hourss

wow pls pray for me

#sad sad milk stuff #don't read haha #personal #madmadmilk

[mysoulisablackwolf-blog]

Otherkin Challenge Post

I saw this and thought it would be fun. It also looks like a great way to vent, since no one I love knows about my kin identity..

1. What name do you go by? What is the significance of it to you?

My name is Briana, but I got by Breanne, a name from Englund during the time range of which werewolves/beasts were prevalent.

2. How old are you? (If you don’t mind sharing.) What is the gender you identify as?

I'm 21 years old, and female.

3. What is your Otherkin/Therian species?

I'm still trying to find a "label", but I would say Werewolve/Beastkin. Some sort of large monstrous canine creature.

4. How long have you known that you are Otherkin? How old were you when you Awakened?

I've been otherkin since I was 4, but I didn't find the term until highschool, so I guess I was awakened when I was 16. I was literally forced as a child to start "acting human." No more outside playtime, crawling on all fours, howling and barking and growling at people. I was a little heathen as a child, but I'm glad I got to express myself.

5. How did you find the Otherkin community?

A friend of mine who is a Kitsune (apologies if I butchered that), she showed me otherkin and Tumblr and Kinmunity, hoping that if I went back to therapy with this information it would help ease my depression.

6. How does being Otherkin affect your life?

It's mostly the depression. Not knowing who or what I am fully but still having these memories and flashes/glimpses of myself. It's like a constant dizzy spiral and I can't make it stop.

7. Are you "out of the metaphysical closet"? If so, to whom?

Barely. A few friends who I've grown apart from. I think if the man who raised me knew the term, he'd just know that I am. Nothing gets by him.

8. How did/would your family react to you being Otherkin?

I think they would shut me down. They've done it once before when I came out as nonbinary, and now that I've had a child, they think they won that argument. It's very disheartening.

9. What does being Otherkin mean to you?

It's a way to express myself/feel normal again. I've never felt human and I thought I was the only one. Now I see others with the same feelings and I feel at home in my own body.

10. How do you believe you came to be Otherkin? Is it a psychological connection? Were you reincarnated? Explain.

I very much believe I was reincarnated. I've always had a huge fixation on Englund during what I think was the 1700s. When werewolves and vampires and monsters ran rampant. I even have memories of men I've slayed in the types of clothes and homes you would of seen back then. I just can't pin point was exactly I was...

11. What do you hope the Otherkin community will be like in ten years? Are you for public awareness or against it? Why or why not?

I think it'll be stronger, hopefully with less misconceptions. I am for public awareness in the sense where if I go to a friend, they dont shun me. Or if I go to therapy, they know exactly what I'm talking about and can tell me, "Hey it's normal and this is why." I want all of us to be seen as normal.

12. Do you have phantom/astral limbs? What are they and how often do you feel them?

I do, I have a tail, a huge, kinda whippish, dog tail with fur. I can feel fur all over my body, excluding my stomach, at the weirdest times. I've grown out my nails and filed them so they now match as close as possible to the claws I feel. And lastly, if I focus hard enough, and there's wind outside, I can feel ears on my head that kinda sway or flop in the wind, depending on its strength.

13. Do you mental-shift? Have you ever harmed yourself or someone else during one?

I've had a few that just happened, and I didn't really know/register what was going on. I was alone for the majority of them so I've mostly just calmly idled, but there's always the urge to hunt something down, so I might end up hurt/hurting.

14. Have you ever mental-shifted at a time when it could be considered inappropriate?

I think so. We were in the car and the windows had to be rolled down because there's no AC. I closed my eyes and instantly felt a snout, fur, ears, the whole nine. I felt like the world melted away and I just enjoyed the wind in my fur. Then my friend snapped me out of it and said I looked like I had completely zoned out.

15. Do you Astral Project or practice any occult crafts?

No. Not quite talented enough.

16. Do you feel you are any sort of danger to society?

Probably more towards myself or animals than society. I do have an insane urge to hunt but nothing more.

17. Does your nonhuman identity complicate every day life for you? If so, how?

Not so much complicate, just makes me exhausted and depressed when I have to go out in the world and do things. I'm a very solitary creature, much rather be alone and talk on the phone versus be out with people or at a party. It makes me a twinge angry/irritable and anxious.

18. Why do you believe you are here as a human?

I didn't understand why until I had my son. Now I'm here to be a mother and raise my child as my father raised me. But before that, I was nothing...

19. Are you active among the Otherkin community?

I am, but I tend to be active while everyone else is asleep. I'm nocturnal.

20. Are you religious? What faith do you follow? Does it contradict your Otherkin identity or do you feel that the two are synonymous somehow?

I believe in a God or even the possibility of multiple Gods, but that is the extent of my religious beliefs. So, I just live my life and sometimes pray as a way to get answers on why my life is so..weird.

21. Have you ever been emotionally, verbally, or physically harassed simply for being Otherkin?

Not yet. I've been very selective on who I tell. The only person I want to tell is my husband, but he refuses to listen. He thinks it's a Furry thing. I guess I'll let him be blissfully ignorant.

22. Do you feel you are oppressed because you are Otherkin?

Not oppressed by society like a person of color or a trans person, just kinda oppressed by my husband. I dont understand why he would question something I do then not let me explain it. I know he still loves me or else I wouldn't have the life I do, it's just confusing.

23. What is your take on fictionkin/mediakin? What about machinekin and appliancekin?

I don't quite feel comfortable with "Factkin", but anything else, that is their identity. I shouldn't have and possibly will never have the ability to judge or say anything about someone else's identity. If that is you, it's you.

24. Did the awakening process seem relatively easy, or difficult to you? Why?

Very easy, in a sense that I already knew I wasn't human and I just needed some help realizing I wasn't alone and that it was ok to feel that way. Difficult because I still can't tell exactly what I am, so I go by werewolve.

25. What do you think of the information provided online about Otherkin, is it relevant or not?

I believe its relevant. It definitely helped me come to terms with myself, and talking to veterans (as we call them) helped me a lot too. It just depends on the articles and people you talk to.

26. How has your Otherkinity/Therianthropy defined you as a person? Do you feel as if it has given you morals that you didn't have before?

It's given me an identity, but it's only taught me to be more open minded and tolerant of other people's identities and ideas and questions,etc.

27. Have you learned any life-long lessons due to your Otherkinity? 

To be more tolerant and open minded.

28. What do you want to do with your life?

That's a tough one. Firstly, raise my son to be an amazing, tolerant person in society, and secondly, be who I am. Even if it means living out in the woods for eternity, so be it.

29. Do you have any tips or advice for young and newly-Awakened Otherkin?

Seek help. Seek out a veteran. Let people question you. It may annoy you to no end, but it helps in the long run. Most importantly, remember, you are you. You are valid.

30. Anything else you'd like to share with us?

Respect others and their identities.

Be kind.

Remember, you are you.

Awwooooo.

Original is by @justanotherkin

#otherkin #challenge #otherkin challenge

[ionlymadethis-tosendthis]

@kayukwalanu

***I DONT KNOW IF YOU GOT MY TEXT, SO IM DOING IT LIKE THIS BECAUSE ITS THE ONLY OPTION I HAVE.***

Jasmine please read everything I’m about to say. You broke my heart, and I have no desire to speak to you unless it’s me going off on you for how badly you hurt me. But instead of that, what I am gonna say is more important:

“God tells me everything” - Jasmine I’m sorry but no. God would not tell you stuff that is completely false. All of the stuff you’ve been talking about over the last couple months are delusions. Half the things you say are inconsistent and contradict half of the other things you say. You say one thing, and then later on you say something else that goes against it. All the things you keep saying are gonna happen, are not happening. You’ve said things will happen, and the when the time came for that thing to happen, it didn’t. You’re making untrue claims about so many people, some of which don’t even know you. All of it is in your head. Do you want me to show you that what you just said about me was false?? — I swear on everything I know and love, I swear on my life, YOUR life, the lives of everyone who means the most to me, on the lives of my nephews, on the life of my niece, on the lives of my siblings, parents, grandparents, I swear on the life of future children I may have, I swear on everything that is true, I swear to God, to Jesus, to the Holy Spirit, I swear in the name of the Holy Trinity, hand to the Bible and I swear on every single word written in the Bible that the things you have just accused me of are NOT true. If I am lying, may God strike me down right here, right now and send me to eternal damnation. You know how afraid I am of going to Hell. And by my hope for salvation in Heaven, which I pray for every single night of my life, may God strike me down immediately and send me directly to Hell if I am lying, and if I did any of the things you have accused me of…

Look… I’m still here... Nothing happened to me. And nothing will because none of what you said about me is real. You and I both believe in God. So you know it’s something we should both take seriously. God does know the truth, it’s God after all.

Let’s get down to real issue here, Jasmine. You need to start taking your meds again. It’s very peculiar that once you stopped taking them, this stuff started happening. People who are perfectly normal on their meds show this kind of behavior when they are off them. Some have even went on to kill others in non-medicated delusions. The way you’ve been acting is so extreme, it reminds me of some of them. A lot of them even say the same kind of things you’re saying. Then when they get back and their meds and realize what they’ve done, they are horrified by their actions. Do you remember the time in your life when you went out in that snow storm? And you told me about how you were messaging cousins of yours I think it was? Once you had a clear mind again you told me you were mortified by the things you realized you said. And if you’ll recall, in times where we talked about it afterwards, I even told you that the stuff you were posting on Tumblr was very extreme. You told me you couldn’t remember what you had posted and that you did not want to know. Guess what? The stuff you were posting was the same type of stuff you’re posting now. You would post long winded, delusional conspiracy stuff, reference certain people captioning it with stuff like “KILL THIS BITCH”. All the same types of things. Only now it’s getting so much worse. So please get back on your medication. This is warping your mind and you can’t even see it. In fact, how about this: get back on them, and after a while if your mind doesn’t start to clear, if you don’t see what the truth is, and if you don’t see all the glaring errors in everything you’ve been saying and doing, then just get back off them if you want. But please just try.

#Kayukwalanu

[ts-autumns-world]

Episode 6: “If someone can fuck you over once, then they can choose to do it again” - Raffy

Does this idol system have killer clowns walking around? Carnies doing handstands? Haunted Big Bertha’s? Who knows cause I CAN’T EVEN GET ACCESS TO THIS DAMN IDOL SYSTEM AND YALL ARE OUT HERE POCKETING SUPER IDOLS LIKE ITS AN IPOD TOUCH AND WE’RE 12.

---

WOW WHAT A VOTE. Raffy immediately having to use a Super Idol is probably ridiculously on brand, but in all honesty, seeing BENJ of all people go, is a shock to my system. I've voted out former finalists, but I thought that Benj was gonna go DEEP in this game. But now I need to focus I have to get Top 3 in this challenge to get these damn tickets. But my final thought on this super idol is that at least a *good* person got the Super Idol

this reward challenge has me so lost i hardly even go here i dont know any monologues i can perform

we're doing basic text dr today because if I talked I'll probably cry and no one wants that sahjahsjajs

so the vote happened and we were successful in voting raffy in majority. we being me Chris and benj BUT then it turned out raffy had something stupid called a superidol HJAHSJJHAS (sorry this is gonna be bitter time get ready) and was able to just basically cancel his elimination after seeing the votes???????? because who cares about strategy and having to make plans and being smart and capable of reading the tribe in successfully using an idol? no no no lets let someone just not talk to anyone and then save themselves and vote out someone who WORKS SO HARD AND IS SO ACTIVE AND PASSIONATE LIKE YEAH OKAY SAJHJSAHHJASASHJAHJSHAJS THAT MAKES SENSE

UGH

I'm sorry I'm so sad. benj was voted out because of this and I feel really empty and hurt about it. he was my best friend on this tribe we talked constantly every day and we were close in timezones and I trusted him and loved him and now we've been robbed of playing with each other in merge. we had so many plans for us too we wanted to pretend to not be that close and purposefully vote opposite and stuff. it's all ruined.

I think raffy deserves praise in FINDING the idol. but the idol itself is a get out of jail free card and requires no strategy when used like that so asjhasjhashjashj and only used in his 2nd tribal. so I'm glad it didn't last any longer and also that he didn't use it in the way survivor players usually do. by making everyone fear them sahjsajh COS THAT WOULD HAVE WORKED ON ME LIKE A CHARM. but instead we were able to flush it and even tho I've lost benj and I'm sad about it, I am very thankful that we got it flushed now and before merge. it's way more dangerous in merge. and like there was no way we could beat that. unless we split vote I guess but that wasn't possible. and also I just did not remember this was a thing BECAUSE NO ONE IN SURVIVOR HISTORY HAS USED A SUPERIDOL THE WAY IT WAS DESIGNED BECAUSE USING IT WOULD CAUSE MORE TROUBLES FOR THE HOLDER SO THEY ARE VERY STRATEGIC ABOUT IT JSAHHJASAHS so I'm actually excited to see how this carries raffy. would like to clarify I'm not anti raffy he's so nice and fun and this was such an exciting tribal thanks to him and I would have loveeeeed it as a viewer I'm just bitter because benj is gone and super idols suck. HASJHASJHASJH raffy if you read this do know I think you're great and congratulations I just think it was an easy way out WHICH IT WAS.

I guess it just made me feel powerless because there's nothing we could have done here to beat a superidol. and even if we did do Blake instead, it wouldn't change anything.

speaking of Blake he is really upset :(( I think making merge will cheer him up tho which is great because I think it's happening after this reward challenge for tickets

SPEAKING OF TICKETS

BENJ GAVE ME ALL HIS TICKETS AFTER DYING???????? AND IDK WHY LIKE do all the eliminated people get to give tickets to someone? and can it be anyone and not just someone on their tribe? much to think about. but this means I have 8 now which is pretty good I think. thank you benj I love u sm <3

it makes me wanna calculate how many tickets everyone had and who they would have given them to....hmmmm will think about it. benj has been the one who had the most upon leaving I think?

also my tarot was right because it gave raffy the tower and benj the hanged man and it all happened today AHHHH it's so sad how I predict things but don't know what it's predicting until it happens. makes me wanna reevaluate everything and see what it all could mean. could be handy.

I trust Chris the most here and I do trust Ricky I just hope they trust me. I do think we're gonna merge soon tho I really do. it makes sense.

I wonder if the tickets are for an auction or if they are the way to enter the outhouse yourself now. like the new idol system? maybe.

I'm excited to merge and get to talk to everyone and be with jinx and captain AND TALK TO JUDE MORE. YEEEE I just wish benj would have been able to join me :(((

stupid showy superidol

IT'S MY DAY 100 OF TUMBLR SURVIVOR OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDD ITS ALSO MY 5 YEAR ORG ANNIVERSARY, PLEASE DON'T VOTE ME OUT THIS ROUND.

---

A true strategist's dream is a chessboard, and if we being honest, this is just Social Chess, never view anyone as a chess piece, but they're needed for movement. I'm going to be Jinx's favorite chess piece, because they need me too.

I can no longer trust Chris in this game. He chose his side, and he chose against me. If someone can fuck you over once then they can choose to do it again. I am not able to hold it against Mikki because I did not even try to reach out to her for the whole round. So, fair enough. However, Chris just decided that I needed to go because people thought I had an idol. I guess this is the outcome. He never even promised to rebuild the bridge of trust. He just gave me "I just don't want us to lose." He's 100% targeting me again if we go to tribal. I hope I'm sent to the Outhouse as my ass is grass if I remain in this place. Maybe if I have Blake it'll be fine. Right? 

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1Uo5w98Zm_5ih0fql6dxLjbnYelD7Mn5B_JhZxL18bkY/edit?usp=sharing

HERE is my spreadsheet with trust rankings and dm counts and stuff, I also added notes on all my trust rankings for each round and some of the dm counts so if you look carefully you'll see the black like corner thing that indicates a note and all my comments on that trust ranking or whatever will pop up if you hover shajhjsahjas hopefully that works

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO super duper califragilistically excited to do this reward challenge and hopefully avoid the Double council that I know is coming because I’m pretty sure Autumn is sick of Tua winning which is a weird sentence to type but hey ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The plan really backfired heavy on us....I thought Raffy just had a half idol but nope, he had a SUPER IDOL and we lost Benj. It made for an awkward post tribal, but I'm just going to keep my head up. I am usually good with damage control so lets see what happens boom boom

---

Honestly, I liked this idea but I feel like I'm gonna be crippled by the fact that I am getting a little sick, we'll see though. I think I did okay with my damage control, but truth told, I would not blame Raffy or Blake if they wanted me out now. With Ricky back in the picture, I guess there is hope, but I have learned to not give peeps the FULL benefit of the doubt outright so I am going to sit and wait

---

I had another disaster and I pray that the one I could semi finish can be taken in, if it is, then I think I've got 4 tickets, but if not then I will forever be sad about what happened!

---

How in God's name didn’t I get 11 tickets?? I didn't even know I had more than 2

This twist is legit the worst thing to happen to me. I have no clue who I am going into tribal with. I don't have prior connections that other may have before the game. And my super idol play was super flashy. So, obviously, they would want to come for me as a prime target. I feel so defeated and I haven't even met these people yet. AND I have to go to work tomorrow so I can't even socialize/communicate as much as I would want in order to keep myself safe. I might as well be one foot in the grave at this point.

Ahhhhh I just made the merge!  Also with my pals too? Omg I hope Ricky lives at the vote. I hear Joey has been messy messy but also wants Captain?? We'll see how that goes, especially with Lily C and O Railroad there. I'm just excited for the next step in the game! I also missed Jinx and Jude so much!

Well….well….well. This is not what I anticipated. Good one, Autumn. I had a fantastic call with Jinx earlier today which helped me get a better handle and the game and feel more connected. I believe Raffy and Blake are working together and this is a great opportunity to separate them. Instantly Joey and I agree to call and figure out a plan. We both agree it’s gonna be best to get Ricky on our side. We both talk to Ricky and I suggest to Ricky that we go for Blake and he is down. Such a relief. It’s stressful to be this close to merge and think that it could slip away. I hope Joey lily o and I are on the same page no matter what. I haven’t been able to talk to her yet but I hope she is good to go for Blake. Fingers crossed.

I'LL MAKE VIDEO CONFESSIONALS WHEN ITS MERGE I SWEAR. But this is a really unique twist, I love it, but it also puts me and the Lily sandwich in a precarious position. Immediately, my thought was "go to Ricky and tell them I let them out of the War Room on Night 1", and boom, immediate bonding point, it turns out wonderfully, in talking to Ricky it was quite obvious they felt on the outs, with no power all season(they're either lying or its true, hey you never know), and for me its important to just keep them comfortable. We're voting out Blake for literally one reason: If we don't, Jinx is gonna kill us, cause yanno they're winning this game, its a foregone conclusion at this point.

---

God it's going to be brutal, imagine being Blake, not particularly well liked, and always going premerge. Maybe next time you'll finally make merge/jury, but nah you're not taking away my opportunities to shine.

---

Even at midnight on a Friday before merge, I still feel nervous, I always feel nervous, even if I'm in an incredible position, being a crucial swing in a pivotal vote to set the pace for the merge, it's absolutely crucial that I make sure Ricky is good with us 3, once again the 2 votes I've been in, I've been a key decision maker, making dreams come true, and making nightmares real too for others. Its a pretty delusional take that I'm seen as a valuable number, and that's what I need to be, the number to make moves possible, while also having the agency to play my cards right in the middle.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I WON FOUR TICKETS IN THE AWARD CHALLENGE!!!!! I wasn't expecting that at all and I'm so delighted. AND THEN it turned out you needed 11 tickets to make it to merge and be immune from the last premiere vote and I had 15!!!! because of winning that and because of benj giving me four tickets when he was voted out. AND NOW IM FINALLY WITH JINX AND CAPTAIN AND JUDE AND AHHHHHH IM SO HAPPY AHHHHHHHHHHH ME AND JINX WERE JUST SCREAMING RIGHT AWAY AND I KNOW JINX AND CHRIS HAVE AN IDOL BETWEEN THEM COS THEY EACH FOUND HALF WOOOOOOO I FINALLY GET TO PLAY WITH THEM I CAN'T TELL YOU ENOUGH HOW HAPPY THIS MAKES ME. but then I was chosen to go to the outhouse so I didn't get to talk for long and still haven't gotten to talk to captain properly or Jude so :(( and I found nothing in the outhouse but this isn't a complete loss. if captain didn't look there then I know Ricky has something and I can use this info and if captain did find whatever is in there then WOOO!!! and also I can potentially use the fear of me having something if I must and that opens up many fun opportunities. nevertheless this experience in the outhouse has given me knowledge and in survivor knowledge is a currency, and I'm gonna buy as much as I can with it. I DO REALLY HOPE I GET A CHANCE TO FAKE SOME KIND OF ADVANTAGE THO THAT WOULD BE SO FUN AND I DEFS HAVE THE MEANS TO DO IT ASHJASHJASHJ but I need a reason to you know asjhashjashjashj any who that's all I have to share for today but I MADE MERGE IN MY FIRST SURVIVOR GAME I CAN'T BELIEVE IT I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD MAKE IT I'M SHOCKED AHHHHHHHH now I get to play with people I love and meet new people and YEEEEE happy dance, I've exceeded my expectations so I'm just happy here on out. I hope I can do some fun things and game planning with jinx, captain and Chris now plssss

I can't believe I was literally half a point away from the ticket requirement. If I had just been a tiny bit higher, I would've made immunity and had the tickets to be safe. It's kinda on me though, I forgot the "pop culture" part of the post and only verified that when it was literally the last day of the challenge (one where I had work no less, so it's a miracle I was even able to submit). But anyway, the vote isnt gonna be the end of the world. The post-swap Tua tribe is sticking together, and we seem to be getting Ricky on our side for an easy Blake vote. First thing that was suggested to me so I'm totally okay with doing that because it's just easy. I just hope that if the other side looks anywhere its not at me

This game literally feels like a Jane Elliott experiment half the time, and it does kinda bother me, maybe I'm just so used to my privilege that its about time it gets switched up on me

https://youtu.be/kmd-HiEeofg

https://photos.app.goo.gl/j8YwvF9eCukGiMQx5

Guys, gals, non binary pals, I think I have done it. Merge, no votes cast against me, being a crucial piece to how plans come together. God, that was the easiest premerge of my life.

---

Friend of mine wanted to know about Tumblr Survivor. So we’re talking and she asks me what the hardest situation you’ve been in is and I said “ You’ve clearly never been in a 6 person group with you running a 3-3 split and you need a flip to basically guarantee your merge/jury spot

And you basically have all your friends breathing down your neck if you don't execute the right person, it's like cutting the wrong wire in a bomb scenario”

I think I made bonds very quickly and will just narrowly avoid getting voted out. However, Blake seems to be getting the votes which I do not want to do. But I fear that if I push Ricky to Joey and the Lily's then they will just vote for me. Ugh. This sucks. If I vote with Blake, then the best we could do is tie. However, that puts me in a rough spot at merge because I would have 3 people mad at me. This is a really tough vote to be a part of. I probably won't even know who I am voting for until the last minute. 

https://youtu.be/ewiPRjyvOzk

https://youtu.be/-iPG5SyOCOk blake this is your tape ITS NOT MEAN

#tsaw #episodes

[pokefanbri]

1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful