#and am too depressed to work it off

[surreal-duck]

nui shenanigans

#doodles #duck scribbles #midoyuzu #yuzumido #hi ive been in an absolute Situation lately 👍 gonna drop off the face of the earth again so long fellas #enstars #yuzuru fushimi #midori takamine #what if we had nuis of each other and i made nui me kiss your nui......... #have barely been drawing lately outside of work burnout eating me alive for real 😔 #the horrors and depression and dysphoria may be unrelenting but mf so am i!!!!!!!!! #ahhh im behind on comms too i am extremely sorry 🙇‍♂️ gonna try get on top of those as best as i can #hoping to at least get out of my rut in time for the es rarepair week too tho o9 #survived fragrance on engstars w 2 naru copies 👍👍👍 girl help i dojt want to open the game for another month or so but alas. valk ss next #damn im rambling again. anyways aaaaaaaaaaaa i wanna drawi wanna draw

[standfucker]

not gonna lie yall, it feels like all I do is either work or recover from work and it's bumming me out big time

#I don't have a chronic illness. I shouldn't be taking this long to recover #idk why I can't get home from work and go straight to writing #it's like I have to spend a day mustering up the will to live in the face of ongoing capitalism #it's my own fault. I would have had a two day weekend but they asked me to come in to cover someone and my clown ass said sure #I want to be pissed at the coworker who called off but it's my own fault for accepting #I had a phone interview today and I am ANXIOUS to know if they're going to bring me in for a second interview I NEED a better job #I just want a job where I dont dread going to work and also maybe get paid more than minimum wage #feeling really depressed about capitalism and working forever and knowing I'll never be able to afford a house #I WANT TIME TO DO MY HOBBIES GOD DAMN IT ;A; #also im lonely as hell. how am I supposed to go out and meet people if I'm too tired to do anything #I wanna meet someone. I wanna be loved romantically.

[katyspersonal]

It is only first month of 2024, and I've already lost not one but two subjects of nightmares, paranoia and reoccurring emotional torture. I really wish there was another way to get rid of these besides having extremely painful conversations.. but at least these scars are closing, one by one

#/vent #personal #and this time was like.. opposite of the previous one #previous one absolutely wrecked me with very ugly insight and basically made all puzzle pieces fall together #this one was just pain and crying and having my worst suspicions about other person AND self faced and confirmed #but again it got solved #I really want the power to move on without having a closure. #I hope I will be strong enough for it one day. #I just need to think.. #I think I really should avoid other depressed/traumatised people until something can be done with how I react at perceived threats #(which is eternity because hell I know when I will be able to afford therapy. probably never with how my life situation is going) #as jarring as being close only with 'healthy' people would be I just can't make things worse for both me and them #until I can change my default response from aggression into avoidance I'll just stay away from anyone with depression #I say very terrible things when I feel threatened and it is way too easy to make me feel threatened. it is THE easiest thing in the world. #I won't survive without close friends anyhow but there is category of people that can't recover from these words normally #I mean I am ALSO this 'category'. I also hurt from awful words thrown at me for MONTHS don't I #it is very hard to be aware of my glaring flaws when everyone that points them out is outright malicious and wants me bullied off the Earth #and then everyone who does think I deserve my human rights either doesn't see my flaws or doesn't mention them #so at least discussing it without outright intention to harm me was helpful for a change #maybe one day I'll have a friend that can be open if I've hurt them a lot so I can work on it but that's another story I guess

[thegreatdivide]

The only reason I haven't actually relapsed is the blades are too dull...

#ofc im ashamed but i got so upset the other night that i banged my head on the table #i've tried rubber bands but it's just not the same so doesn't really work #i hate that i want to cause myself pain #even though i sometimes look at my arms & legs and hate myself for what ive done there are times where im like they're just part of who i am #god i feel so pathetic #sometimes i wonder if there's something else wrong with me besides my mental disorders #i mean sometimes it's not even about being depressed but rather wanting to just rip my own skin off because it feels wrong #sometimes everything is just too much and i become anxious & angry #bpd #depression #anxiety #mental health #self harm #self destructive behavior #dividesproblems

[opens-up-4-nobody]

Being high energy while sick feels insane. Like my brain is telling me I should lay down and rest but is also telling me I should run around in circles and break things.

#i think im getting better tho. i mean i still can feel my warped sickyness but idk my hormones maybe have me all fucked up #but like i told my mum i get these insane little hypomanic-esque episodes and she was immediately like could b ur hormones #i know a number of ppl like that. and i was like YES. thats obviously what it is but nothing comes up when i try to google things abt it #so there must b others out there. and it also implies that theres sometimes fucked up about my serotonin receptors bc when im like kinda #positively disregard i feel happy and i never feel happy. my typical emotional state is indifferent and apathetic #and then dips into light misery and very miserable but not like clinically depressed. but i was even like that while on vacation so even #removed from the stresses in my life i still am not happy. which is y its so hard when ppl r like do what makes up happy. relax #and im like. ok but like nothing works??? its either fucked up hormones or my lantent anxiety just keeps me from being happy #but whatever. im gathering so much data. when i go see a doctor im gonna pull out a spreadsheet and graphs and notes like a lunatic #bwahhh i wanna run. i have too much energy. fuck being sick. fuck having to work on a day off. fuck this #also fuck my menstrual cycle for being so short. like so short its sometimes not listed with the healthy range but only sometimes #just to make me think. i should probably talk to a doctor but. like its probably fine. its consistent so its fine #annoying. annoying. got u can tell when out of wack bc i post too much and cant shut thr fuck up lol #unrelated

[pegasusdrawnchariots]

the eternal question: is scheduling w friends as an adult That Hard or am I just bad at it

#4 different people have left me on read today; 1 cancelled our plans 4 hours before we were due to meet #I've been sitting home alone for 2 days going insane. looking forward to One (1) coffee date & that fell through #idk why I'm taking it so hard this time I'm usually fine!! but I find myself wishing I didn't have the day off I wish I did have work :( #like it's tiring yeah but it beats sitting here not knowing what to do w myself #& I'm working all weekend & only leaving the house to see the doctor. oh joy #I've been productive ironing writing fixing the car. that's not the problem #I had 4 social plans this month. that's it #that's like seeing each friend once a month!! I can't keep this up!! #is this the norm for adulthood? :( #& on one level I don't want to bother people or be clingy #but on another level I'm baffled that they don't get lonely too #the news has not shut up abt the Loneliness Epidemic since 2021 #but if it's true why do so many people take so long to reply when I reach out? if they reply at all #I'm not going anywhere w this. idk #just one of those days #everything so fuck everybody suck :( #boomers got it right w the whole showing up unannounced at people's houses for a social call with a pound cake #now I have to go through 5 layers of bureaucratic bullshit to see a friend #assuming they don't cancel the day of ofc (((((: #I just wanna be like hello knock knock I am here. tell me abt yr life today & listen to mine & eat this cake #& the worst is when people are like 'I'm cancelling bc I'm tired xx' #OK A) u knew we had these plans for two weeks #but B) I'm tired too! I still love u ur still my friend! let us be tired together! #'I won't be social today I'm tired' my love we could watch movies in silence we could knit we could ball yr socks. idc #'I have to do the big shop today sorry' so do I!!! let us do the groceries together!!! #every time I've pushed someone to come out when they felt depressed or to let me accompany them when they were doing chores #they were like u know what I'm so glad u did this. thank u. this is way better than how I had planned this night to go #& I'm like any time!! I love u!! #& then it just happens all over again next time oh sorry I'm cancelling I'm busy I'm tired #like did u forget what a nice time we had last time? what changed? :(

[reginaofdoctorwho]

had another cardiologist appointment this past monday (actual cardiologist this time not np/pa) went as follows:

acknowledged that the meds are helping me a lot

said "no, nausea's not part of POTS. you have to talk to your primary care physician about that because that could be something else". 1, it is a symptom of POTS, and 2, it's listed as a symptom of POTS on the information YOUR OFFICE SENT ME

he acknowledged the meds are helping me and wants me off them in 6 months, or at least decreased

he said that there was a mayoclinic study where the majority of POTS patients grew out of that. 1, that was pediatric diagnosed POTS, 2 they had been treated for 5 prior to the data collection, and 3 only 18.2% actually "grew out of it" and fully recovered. 50-ish% percent did have better health/fewer symptoms but they still had pots. and that still leaves about 30% unaccounted for who either dropped out of the study, stayed the same, or got worse

said he tries to lower meds for his other POTS patients and it usually doesn't work. i can't even say i asked him that he just straight up volunteered it

i had an ecg at this appointment :) he came in to talk to me after and had it pulled up on his screen :)) days later it's available on the website and gives the time of him interpreting and signing it as after my appointment time. admittedly i would not give a shit about this but i was normal sinus rhythm on other ecg's in the past and now have "incomplete right bundle branch block". this was not mentioned to ME. we even had to call the office after to get my meds refilled because forgot to at the appointment and it wasn't mentioned. the FUCK does that mean for me???? internet says either not dangerous or sign of dangerous "depending on signs of presyncope and chest pain" which i already get with my POTS

listened to my heart over my sweater even though i had a tank top on underneath and said as much. the FUCK do you plan to hear that way, jackshit??

#i am terrified of my meds being lowered #it seems like my depression was from lack of bloodflow to my brain #from my low blood pressure with it (60s/40s) which i looked up and while there aren't direct studies with POTS decreased blood flow #to the prefrontal cortex (hypofrontality) can cause symptoms of depression #schizophrenia adhd bpd anxiety etc #and i was literally suicidal for months until i took the meds. within literally an hour of my first dose i was feeling better #you can't die directly from POTS but i'm terrified of going off meds and hurting myself #or failing out of school again #also fun lil statistic 25% of POTS patients are too disabled to work or go to school #i was part of that 25% in NURSING SCHOOL and it SUCKED

[noxchievous]

Parent/teacher conference day at Tumblr High

Featuring !!!! @chanto-love ‘s Slenderman descendant, Ella.

#Sorry this took so long I !! KEPT GETTING DISTRACTED #sexyman descendants #Gurl I had so many good captions for this but it is 1 am I’m too tired to remember them #I forgot what else I am supposed to tag this with uhhh #digital art #slimda #slimda gets her own tag cuz ya #slenderman #Slenderman most certainly makes an appearance #I didn’t shade this one because I am oh so sleepy #Also I think it would be rlly funny if #instead of having regular off-white colored walls. Tumblr High has default tumblr blue walls #I don’t know why this is funny but it is #it would be hell attending that school; which has such dark walls I think #it would be like working at Walmart #(miserable) #or maybe I’m just built funny to think dark walls is depressing and closed off #anyways I like the idea and that’s why the walls r blue #Also Slimda is named Slimda pls stop suggesting names pls pls pls pls pl

[cinnamon-notes]

i can't sleep :c

#and i think it's because i kinda have a lot on my plate rn #and lately i've gotten back into journaling- which is something im really proud of- cuz you know when i was with my ex i could never have my #own privacy so i had to give up journaling- which is something i had been doing nonstop since i was five and i could barely write #grammatically correct sentences- and im happy that im eventually journaling again- i really am- but this means that i do not know how to #handle my feelings unless i write- and today i was too depressed to write #cuz stuff happened at work as it usually does and im almost on my period and my PMS is killing me #then this man decided to tell me im incapable of loving and i will never find someone to love me back and that im a bad person and that im #uncaring and this hurt so much although i knew he was teasing- it still hurt! #then this other guy said im unreliable cuz i didn't show up for a task that was even optional and i had never 100% agreed on before #and i didn't show up because: depression + pms getting worse + had to figure out some bureaucratic shit that was pivotal and urgent #i talked to the moon this morning #that conversation we had (yeah i believe she replied) was the most meaningful thing of the day #so rn im just focusing on replaying it in my head because it was sweet and it was cathartic and i wanna do that tomorrow again #so im looking forward to it #while stupid voices in my head keep telling me that man is right and i AM a bad person who can't love and cant be loved #while stupid voices in my head tell me people are better off without me #ugh- i really cannot sleep- i have a lot of anxiety #and i hate that the most of it is caused by that stupid man i really hate that man #cinnamon darkness

[notjanine]

i am in suuuuuch a weird headspace rn, my brain is like. i want half a boyfriend i want a husband i want an easy carefree hookup i want to have sex with only one more person in my entire life i want to have a slut era i want someone to fall in love with me i want to ruin a man's life. who am i

#like okay i said that guy was messy and maybe i am messy too #but only internally! i can at least be consistent and honest in my communication and behavior #but idek what is going on with me #is this a belated quarter life crisis is this being thirty is this what happens when grad school and an internship scramble your brain #scramble your brain so hard that your emotions and physical desires also go haywire #this month is gonna be so weird for me and like i'm depressed enough to not care if i live or die which is when i do my best flirting #and i (theoretically) will have enough time off to take care of myself and get good sleep and do skincare and hair care and work out #and do all the little things to make myself feel more confident #anyway all i know is. i have baby steps initiated progress on some things. #but also the mutually agreed upon six-month post-breakup communication moratorium with my ex is almost up and i am half tempted to call him #i am also half tempted to mess with the OTHER guy in our internship cohort even though that would be THEE messy bitch move #(do not let me do it physically stop me from doing it if it seems like i'm going to) #(but y'know he's. nice. nearby. single. quietly hilarious and has full lips and a similar schedule to my own. pls stop me) #(we might hang out next week. i will not WILL NOT invite him over. i repeat do NOT let me invite him over) #earlier this week i talked to a close very cool and fun and social friend about wanting to start dating again and she was like #Oh i know like ten guys for you lemme have another party and invite all of them and you #and i'm thisclose to being like. actually just fucken see if any of them will go on a blind date with me next weekend. #what the FUCK is wrong with me rn #ANYWAY lemme go work out and finally start the vampire show #bc exercise will distract my body and that toxic relationship bullshit will put a damper on these desires right. right?? #starting to understand why so many religions are like watch out for sins of the flesh or whatever. like how they're like temptation is bad. #lizzo_boys.mp3

[stephaniedola]

i seriously wish i was fucjing normnal why would i rather die than go get my car checkjed out right now

#THERES TOO MANY VARIABLES AND I AM SO DEPRESSED!!!! #the drugs arent working!!!!! #thots et al #im just so scared im gona get stuck there for like 3 hours and i literally dont think i can handle it #like im gonna start eating people #im so angry at the fact i even have to be dealing with this #i could just keep putting it off its not like i have a fucjking life beyond school right now #im just sooooo sick of the up and down #i just wanna throw the car in a swamp tbh

[the-casbah-way]

i’m so burnt out every time i wake up the idea of going outside and pretending to be a functional adult is so unbearable i just want to stay in bed all day so i can be in my own head because the world i have invented there is the only one in which i can find any kind of peace or comfort and it’s because i don’t exist in that version of the world. i’m not compatible with reality and i’m not compatible with normal people and it takes so much out of me to keep functioning that once i get home and peel it all back there is literally nothing left. it’s so annoying because even though i constantly wish i was dead it’s not because i actually want to die because i don’t want to die at all. i just want to stop feeling like this all the time and i want to exist in a world that isn’t so overwhelming and horrible and confusing for me and if i could just take the time off that i need to rest and decompress when i’m overstimulated and burnt out then i’d probably be ok. but the real world is just relentless and if you want to get a degree and hold down a job you’re not allowed to stop so i guess i have to just do this until it kills me

#you do not know what i’d give to have a therapist right now. like a good one #or even just someone to talk to every day so i can get all this off my chest #i get it now. i get why the vast vast majority of disabled and autistic people don’t work or study #because it literally kills us they were not kidding #i’ve been forcing myself to do this my entire life and now i am literally just like nothing #my entire existence is depression and despair and nothingness #and one day it will be too much and it will just kill me and everyone will act surprised !! #i wish i was allowed to be disabled and take breaks and step back for even just a second #that’s what’s so annoying about this. it eas so avoidable at one point. its so unfair #like i think that’s why i always feel so horrible and guilty because it feels like this has to be a punishment for something #i must have done something bad or wrong to deserve to feel like this all the time with no way out #but i can’t figure out what i did and why i deserve this #whatever its fine i’ll just make tumblr posts about it until i can be arsed to kill myself