#and i dont think i can be left alone

[shimp-heaven]

🏥

#i will be hospitalized sometime this afternoon #ive never been before #if you have and want to share please do #i dont think theyll let me have my phone so if you see this late and i dont reply im just admitted #i hope they let me have a plushie #my gf has been taking care of me but she has work tomorrow #and i dont think i can be left alone #im kind of scared #i dont know what theyll do with my fresh self harm marks #i hope i get my own room #i know theyll probably have someone watching me #that scares me #i just hope they let me draw or color #maybe even watch tv or youtube #libby says its the best option for me #that they can help me #i dont know.

[treasureplcnet]

bunch of bg3 sketches :)

#real time trainwreck as i booted it up for the first time at jane's place #who had convinced me to romance astarion and then i pulled gale out the stupid rock and he is my everything. #my silly rabbit.... #and tiefling w astarion is in fact jane's tav LOL #some of these are like from when i was just starting i have drawn like nothing else. this has been my life for a month #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #tav #gale dekarios #who is the guy thats featured most here.. #couples who will hyphen their surnames. LOL #not pictured here is frankie (tav)'s little brother . left alone to my own devices i will spiral out of control giving my ocs siblings #i want to do a run with her brother but considering he'd make virtually the same choices i dont think i can dedicate a playthrough LOL #my art

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

had a human au thought of Barnaby and Wally. idk doing their taxes or going through bills together since they share a house & Barnaby going "hey we could get married for tax benefits and health insurance. wait no what if i want to marry Howdy someday? it's illegal to be married to two people." Wally goes "we could get divorced" and Barnaby gets legitimately sad like:

#wally: uhhhhhh. um. i think i left the oven running #barnaby: YOU DONT BAKE- GET BACK HERE AND ANSWER THE QUESTION #in human au barnaby's ideal world he can marry both his platonic life-partner And the love of his life #but the american government says No smh #my heart goes out to polyams everywhere #fuckkkkk getting unwell about this aus barnaby and wally again everyone #like i have so many different little plot lines and mini aus for the au #like what if there was a covid arc? #in my mind lockdown happens while wally is Elsewhere #so he cant exactly get back home! and obviously no one is happy about that but wally is dealing well enough #but barnaby's like 🥺 my lil buddys out there all on his own and im alone here so im gonna call him every day #(also i like to think that howdy spends lockdown w/ barn or vice-versa but this aint about that) #wally: vibing #barnaby: a bit of a wreck #absolutely unprompted #wh modern human au #but then also Angsty Thoughts of yo when they all get old uhhh who dies first #and In My Mind! they both die within a few days of each other #maybe barnaby goes first and wally just. pines away. broken heart syndrome babey! #also having soft thoughts of them when they first became friends #barnaby taking him to the farm and introducing him to the animals <3 #wally trying to help out with morning chores after a sleepover <3 #ms. beagle absolutely adoring wally and always having his favorite snacks In Stock for whenever he comes by <3 #that one time barnaby broke somebody's jaw for going a little too far w/ insulting wally & almost got expelled <3 #mannn they're so! honestly goals #oh and later on when they have their own place wally having his own lil art studio #and barnaby continuing to be his go-to muse <3 #wally probably has so much fuckign art of barnaby lmao #OHHHHH AND THE CAR CRASH ARCCCCC DONT EVEN GET ME FUCKIGN STARTED #EMOTIONS CENTRAL THAT IS

[redactedresearch]

I think Handsome Jack cried so hard he threw up once he really stood and acknowledged Angel's passing

#i genuinely believe he thought he was doing what was best for her #and maybe he was also punishing her for killing her mother on accident #hes a human there's only so much he can do #and focusing his rage over losing his wife on getting rid of all bandits #bandits that caused the death of his wife by attempting to kidnap his daughter to use her siren abilities to discover vaults #and that being the very same thing that kills her #the game doesnt show you his grief because they dont want you to empathize with someone who is pathologically trying to destroy the other #and i get that. its a simple video game #nuance could muddy things #but i think he loved his daughter #and wept as soon as he was alone #he sought power to protect her #and now he has nothing left #and sometimes i think he may have wanted to die #at the end of BL2 #because he failed in completing his one true goal of saving his daughter from herself #anyways sorry #borderlands #handsome jack #redacted

[dennisboobs]

to be completely honest, I don't want macdennis in this finale at all. i want den's plot to stay his own. i want the gang to understand just how much they rely on dennis, and how the pressure is finally wearing him down. dennis' inability to escape these high expectations from all of them. of the responsibility that he hates so much. this has been a part of his plotlines for years, and now he can't even take a day trip to the beach without the gang calling him for dumb shit. he's expected to be there to help the gang whenever they need him, but will they be there to help him?

#i know everyone was going insane about frank vs russia for the macden shit but like. have y'all seen the seeds planted in that ep. #mac needs dennis to help with his relationship troubles #charlie needs dennis to help find the restaurant buzzer #dee needs dennis to get her phone back #and he just wants to be left alone #thats why he created johnny. he just wants to relax and have time to himself #and you look back at chokes. #he can't rely on anyone. he wants them to *actually* be there for him when he's sick or in danger #and then you look back at dee gives birth... #like its. a constant #the gang doesnt see him as needing their help. he's dennis. #he's got no feelings. he's fine on his own. he pushes them away because he's afraid of showing weakness but he wants them to care #ada speaks #i dont think its a coincidence that i can already tie things to misses the boat #responsibility. responsibility. responsibility. #thrust into the position of caregiver. #sunny sweet 16 #iasip

[icewindandboringhorror]

a quite simple outfit, trying to use the little blue and white apron thing (which is actually a dress I think, that I just leave un-buttoned in the back and added an apron-like tie to lol)

#self #mori kei #jfashion #NOT really but like.. it's.. adjacent I guess.. forgive me .. I may try using tags again though I kind of got out of the habit ghhj #I need to be... Seen to some degree. I want to start selling clothes and sculptures again to recoup the costs of having to euthanize my cat #and stuff . but that won't be very successful if I have like.. 15 people to sell to lol... #the eternal Hermit Conflict where you hate attention and Being Percieved in general yet in todays capitalist society it is nearly #a necessity to have some form of social network or media presence especially in creative fields. etc. etc. ... kicking screaming wailing #sobbing so on and so forth.. tearfully punching the cold mossy stone walls of my evil wizard tower... #I was also thinking of maybe opening a few sculpture commission slots and maybe Tumblr Blazing that post or something #but.. again.... sobbing crying interacting with the general public oughhf ouuch -500 HP #why can't I just be approached by some wealthy 65 year old woman who is nonsensically infatuated with my art for no #reason and gives me like $10.000 a week for food and art supplies and etc. and I can go fuck off into a cabin in the middle of nowhere #in the uk and just be left alone to work on my projects without even needing to build any form of connections or social presence because I' #already set for life and can just get funding and connections whenever lol.. WHICH not to be ungrateful like obviously I still appreciate #anyone who follows and interacts with my posts. I dont mean it in a 'grrr fuck all of you imbeciles I wish I could delete my blog!!!' or #whatever hhjkjk.. I just mean it more in a like.. I am very socially inept and my mental illness gives me severe social issues so any situ #tion where I'm expected to self promote or network or interact with others generally is nightmarish and stressful for many many reasons #and if I could somehow skip that part and just go straight to being a famous author or somethin.. that would be cool. Which I know EVERYONE #hates networking and stuff but I mean like.. on a level most people could not possibly comprehend.. I am not just an 'introvert'. I am like #doctors declare me incapable of functioning in general society very poor mental health prognosis probably should have a caretaker at #some point type Hermit lol.. ANYWAY ghbhj... alas.. I also feel weird about the sculptures in terms of what to charge for them #and always have which is part of why I stopped selling them. If I charged a fair even like $15 an hour many of them would be like #close to $150+. and nobody is going to pay that for a decoration. that doesn't even factor in like.. supplies or time spent communicating/s #etching the concept (if a commission) etc. etc. I thought it'd be better to just auction them then and let people pay what they want inst #d of a set price but etsy doesnt allow auctions and is it weird to just.. link people to an Art Ebay or something lol.. #AAAANYWAY.. the outfit.. I still love these shoes. they're nice and a little Older Style looking. always into pastel florals too lol #(everything is thrifted as usual. excited about the shirt because it's so puffy! it was in the halloween section though ghjhj.. like when i #s october and they make the special aisle in goodwill for 'Costume' clothes even though theyre all just normal stuff I would wear ghg)

[silenthillbunni]

.

#1st ​my sister was passive aggressive bc i was boiling pasta when she wanted to make her dinner #so she slammed stuff nd chopped veggies aggressively #nd i felt my heart rate spike nd my body go tense nd i always get clumsy nd drop things nd hurt myself when i get that way #but they think i deserve feeling awful bc of mistakes in the past so i cant ask them to stop #i've been walking around w lots of heavy things nd im barely keeping it together #nd i got so mad bc she wouldnt stop so i started slamming the cabinets nd then left when i was done #then my mom nd other sister got home nd i just wanted to ask my mom smth #when i open my door my other sister goes 'omfg already?' #'immediately when we get home i never get a break. it's almost disgusting' #i just got so.. i realized how pathetic nd childish i am so i just went into my room #but then apparently my sister said to mom that *i* was the only one being passive aggressive #so she comes in to talk when i was having my dinner so i said that i plz just wnna eat my dinner #she didnt know nd she's never cared but i wanted to hurt myself so badly i was struggling not to #but then she started screaming at me for being childish nd passive aggressive nd that i never do anything #she left my room. she still talks to my sisters so i know it's onlg me shes sick of #idk.. today is bad bc i cant talk to her nd i dont have ANYONE else to talk to im all alone #and now i barely even wanna go outside my room bc apparently my family thinks i wnna mess w them just for going to the bathroom lmao #i hate myself so much. im so pathetic. im 25yrs old living at home being a burden #nd im just a pathetic nd childish person. i 'need' to talk nd vent nd rant nd #like if i buy some things i have these need to like do a mini haul or if i get books from the library #i wnna show my mom what books i got #it's so childish. i do feel bad for my mom to have to deal w me nd my annoying personality #why cant i jusy be normal. no wonder why i can never keep friends or my family doesnt wnna talk to me. everything abt me fkn sucks #anyway im just feeling so bad and so alone bc my moms mad at me so now i have no one to talk to

[milkweedman]

I ended up needing to decant the exhaust dye when I put the next 2 ounces/56 grams in, which I still have not added back in, and the new fleece is already dark with color. I'm going to let it cook overnight regardless just because I think it's good practice but wow, buckthorn berries are crazy potent for a natural dye. This was like one scant double handful (I didn't weigh them RIP) of dried berries and I'd be surprised if I got less than 6 ounces (130 grams) of dyed wool out of it.

#sorry if the conversions are wrong i often check but im too tired #doing them in my head #hope it doesnt rain tonight i want to get some more from the ground tomorrow if i can #i also read someone who took the skin from fresh ones and got blue #i dont think theres any fresh ones left at all at this point but im keeping it in mind for next summer #she said it was incredibly time consuming though. coming from a spinner and natural dyer you know thats gonna be rough #so intruiging though #ive been trying to see if anything has been eating them #the squirrels dont nor do the crows. not much else in this part of the city #man the squirrels have been acting weird too #they keep laying down ? have been awash with squirrels everywhere ive ever lived and ive never seen them lay down #until now. bizarre. it was two different ones in quick succession #anyway. i do spend a lot of time staring at like 3 trees i will admit #whenever im home alone pretty much. not that often maybe #natural dye #buckthorn berries

[1o1percentmilk]

i want to tell u guys abt my weredog oc... hes like if patrick bateman sucked and wasnt a nepo baby and worked a middling dead end office job..i give all of my trauma and worries and fears to him about fitting in and not getting to have an impact and yet not having the personal strength to make things better,

#what untreated adhd and gifted kid burnout does to a mf #i dont have any drawings of him. i forgot how to draw again #when my self insert is the worst version of myself #im so worried ill turn out like him. like for all of my posturing ill never really get out of this hole #like i can try and do everything perfectly to reverse original sin but i will never be able to do that #he is soo transgender coded. dogboy who wants to become a humanboy #hes a border collie bc hes smart but other than that he doesnt really have a lot going for him #one of the few weredogs who have mastered temporary transformation into a human #nearly fulltime supression of his dog traits.. #ah well he also turns out to be a bad person and screws a bunch of people over by trying to be a human #idk.. im still trying to figure out what i want to say #perchance.. sossiety #*wizard brame voice* we live in a society #in the end. i think he really just wants to be left alone and be himself (even though he has lost himself) #-away from other people #why did i type this? i was thinking about the gaping hole in my heart again. #yap #if i ever wrote a book abt him itd be 80% him having a mental breakdown and the other 20% not being a good person

[stupid-dyke]

I can tell i am now experienceing actual real sleep deprivation and not just the omnipresent idiopathic hypersomnia fake sleepiness that my stupid lying body never shuts up about. I can tell because I am fallijng asleep in class regardless if I take my medication and I feel like everything is so, incredibly stupid and horrible, and everyone giving me homework or telling me to do anything is attacking me. And I can;t hold a conversation. And people are noticing my strange manner and pointing out that I seem wrong. And yet here we are AGAIN I have AGAIN stayed up late AND not gotten any work done. And on top of that I broke my fucking glasses tonight because I left them sitting on my fucking bed. And I'm freaking my parents out by crying over the phone and also I think I actually injured my shoulder last week its been hurting for four days now. and I'm so sad and mad at myself for not sleeping and not working but I can't work because I havent slept and I cant sleep because I havent worked. And every single time I get in a bad time like this my dad worries im going to die because i was suicidal for like a week in 2019 and then he gets mad at me for worrying him and I feel so so so guilty. Im so so sad.

#and I dont want to fuckign sleep even though i really need to and I spend every fucking seconf of every fucking day being sleepy #because even when I get enough sleep im still FUCKING sleepy so what is the FUCKING point. Why not just NOT FUCKING SLEEP. #Im so fucking sick of myself and my body and my pain and my stupidity. #AND ITS SO STUPID BECAUSE HERE I AM MISSING ALL MY ASSIGNMENTS SCARING MY FAMILY WEIRDING OUT OTHER STUDENTS AND MAKING MY PROFS HATE ME #BECAUSE IM FUCKING SLEEPY. stupidest fucking sounding reason on earth to have a fucking crisis. #no one ever hears me say im sleepy and thinks oh thats really serious i really want to help you now its literally just annoying to ppl #haha wait til you have kids or get older or a full time job ha ha #cool I am fuckign terrified of the future because I know how mad everyone gets at me when im too disabled to do what im supposed to #and I know its going to get to a point where I can't and there will probably be no one left to help me. I'm almost certainly going to outli #outlive my parents and my sister and even if i ever get married ill probably also get divorced so I'll be all alone #friendships aren't safe becuase you can love someone so much for 5 years and she just tells you one day she doesn't want to be burdened #by you anymore and you never hear from her again #its a dark scary fucking world and you want me to be passionate about a field of study or something?? jesus christ can you all just fuck of #I dont want to go to grad school i dont want to work i dont want to live alone i dont want to live with my parents forever #my head hurts so much goodnight guys sorry for ranting its literally fine im literally just really sleepy sorry for being melodramatic

[autisticlee]

me: i'd like to have more friends so I have more people to share things with and someone to talk to every day since I spend 98% of my time completely alone

me, trying really hard to make friends: feeling very lonely like I can't fit in and don't belong no matter what I do until i get kicked out/pushed away. or immediately fucks up, without realizing or knowing why

me after that, in tears: actually I lied, I don't want/need friends. it's better to be alone 🥲

me for a long time after that: avoids people and spends all my time alone wishing to share things with others but too tired to try again

but eventually repeats the same nonsense cycle again and again because I never learn from it 🤦‍♂️

#autism things #autistic #autism #actually autistic #socializing #friendship problems #i wish i could accept that im either meant to be alone or better off alone???? because even tho its hard sometimes #trying to PEOPLE is harder and fucks me up further so....how do i stop giving in and trying again 🙃 #people will tell me dOnT giVe Up iTs nOt gOoD tO bE aLoNe but its also not good to be repeatedly traumatized!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭 #arguably thats WORSE #IM SO TIRED AND BURNT OUT AND DEEPLY SAD. sad isnt even a good word. idk a good word. what do i feel? idk #can only describe as a forest that completely withered and decayed and theres nothing left but a dark murky sludge #i feel equivalent to that i think. a dead forest is very sad as someone who likes plants way more than people......

[duoibo]

vent.

#im jobless a uni drop out and broke and i live with my parents at age 22 and cant drive every decision i make has to go thru my parents i ha #ve no friends i can reach out to and im severely depressed and my ed is coming back lmaoooooo #im also trapped in my own home been rejected from jobs left and right way behind on my big girl tasks andi am also just so so alone and unsu #re of yhe futurr Nd like near tears and sleeping all the time and i dont have any hobbies since i dropped art like 5 years ago and im also #stupid and a lying to everyone that im fine and nothing makes me happy and even shopping i cant think of anythjng id like to buy but even #then i just feel guilty bc im brokeeeee #i just feel all so numb to it all like i was really gonna buy some diet pills even tho ik theyre bad but like aaaaaaaaaaa #and i feel useless

[evankinard]

someone stop me from signing up for a beginners motorcycle riding course

#i dont even like motorcycles i think they're death traps #but like. would be sexy to at least know how to ride one #AND YOU KNOW #WHAT IF THERES AN APOCALYPSE AND IM LEFT ALONE IN A DESOLATE LAND AND THE ONLY VEHICLE I CAN COMMANDEER IS AN ABANDONED MOTORCYCLE

[toastsnaffler]

everyone say thank u to my roommate for going to visit her parents this weekend so I can jack it loud and nasty 🙏

#i love her but there are some benefits to having the flat to myself.... love getting to wander around in just my boxers + a tshirt too #things i could do while she was still here if i wasnt a pussy 🙄 #jk itd just make her uncomfortable and im too respectful for that #having a lowkey crush on her is an endless comedy to me bc we would be so woefully incompatible romantically #and also sexually.. historically ive only ever stone topped bc ive never been comfortable enough w anyone to let them fuck me #despite very much Not being stone or exclusively a top. and i think shes some form of sex repulsed anyway so like. sits there dead silence #and also shes so in love with her other friends and i showed up late to that party.... ive been feeling kinda guilty lately bc ik- #she misses them a lot and wishes we'd be able to stay roommates w them too. and im a pretty poor replacement for them tbh #and i love spending time with her but whenever i do i feel kinda painfully aware im not them like i could never fill that space #and asking to hang out more with her always feels like im taking away from time she could be talking to them. or even being alone ik she- #likes her own company and i get that a lot too so its chill but ahh.. man #i dont mean this in a bitter or jealous way at all like theyre all such sweet ppl i couldnt ever hold it against them #theyre kind of a 3 headed cerberus type situation and im like. the stray puppy they found on the side of the road #theres nothing they can do differently i was just born to be alienated from other ppl forever until i die. and someday i hope ill- #finally get used to it and accept i wont ever feel like im enough for anyone else or feel like anything else is enough for me #old wounds healed over 5082 times that still hurt to touch but i cant help pressing my fingers into them anyway bc its a familiar pain etc #anyway lost where i was going with this its just been on my mind again recently. i hate to be pitied i hate to feel like im only included- #bc they didnt want me to feel left out i hate feeling like a shoddy secondhand stand-in and its been a lot of that lately #also been a little annoyed bc sometimes it feels like shes trying to micromanage my social life and girl. we're not close enough for that #im sure its well intentioned but im not part of what they have going on i cant compete in that ring so dont try to push me into it.. #ahhh. its all ok tho one of the guys is coming to visit next month which will be rly fun but ill try to give them some space too #its good at least im doing this processing now bc group situations can be spike traps of triggers for me sometimes #regardless of how good friends i am w ppl and ive already had a wobble a few weeks ago w how i cope and i dont want it to become a #fully fledged regular issue again bc its so hard to crawl back out of that pit. anyway losing coherence here im gonna stop rambling #and go make myself an early dinner and then back to drawing........ #sorry for long tags if ur reading this blows u a kiss but go find a better use of ur time girl!! #.diaries

[inkybinkyboink]

i love u math people who explain math in a way that non-math people still interested in math can understand

#like ok no i am absolute dogshit at math #i am so terrible at it #i have been a high honours student my entire life and the only class i was ever failing was math that is how bad i am #so i always kind of just left it alone bc it wasnt my thing but recently ive been like super into the shit math can tell us abt the univers #like that kind of stuff #and i just very much love that people explain difficult things in a way that my snail brain can understand and still ogle at how marvelous #it all is #and i love natural history and i love evolution and all that cool shit and like ahhhh the world is so big and we know a lot but also i dont #think we do? and thats cool because at the end of the day any conclusion is valid? because it doesnt matter but it does matter because you #make it matter and the world is just very big and objective and awful and cool and everything all at once #delete later probably

[pedroisghosties]

Where do y'all find friends who you can rant and talk about your new obsession with?? I have a friend of 7-8 years and everytime I've sent a voice note telling her what I'm going thru, she never listens to them because she's too busy being on vacation so what I do now is just tell her I'm doing good.

#like atp im starting to think im the problem because ever since primary school #I've been left out of friend groups and i dont get why #my friends always tell me they feel like I'm the only one they can talk to because i dont judge them #and im a great listener and i give good advice but the moment i need someone to talk to im completely alone #this came up because i someone told me a few days ago that they worked with Pedro and what he smells like #so i wanted to rant about it with someone but i was like 'with who?' there's literally no one i cant talk to about that #i hope no one reads my tags because im sounding a lot like a whiny baby lol 🥲 #steph talks 🙃