#and i feel even more self conscious about myself

[darkestmad-er]

Continued "3

The door was cracked open so I could see glimpses of her body. She was nervously standing there -waiting, fidgeting. My goodness so beautiful. I took my time walking towards her noticing the closer I got the slower my stride. It was getting darker. The candles lit the bathroom up. I found myself standing there admiring the view. She caught me, giggled and turned a bit bashful. I could tell she was still self conscious about her flaws. Even though my jaw drops on the regular during our video calls. I tapped the door open with my foot entered and walked past her to the chair. Took a deep breath, breathing in her scent before laying panties over the arm. I wanted her to understand how desirable she was. Turning towards her like a prowling wolf. I could see she was avoiding eye contact. I told her to look at me, she didn't. "I see"....walking closer I stood behind her. Took my finger and ran it across her shoulders. She shuttered, there she goes holding her breath again. I moved closer and could feel her arch her ass into my jeans. I couldn't help but to let her body fall into mine. "Damn, naughty girl", slipped from my lips, Her head dropped back,. Feeling her relax and fall into me. I can't explain how good it felt. I grabbed her breast rubbing and pinching her nipples. "Mine?" She let out a little whimper "mmmhhmm". Clinching on to my arms, arching her ass with every touch. I felt myself getting more aggressive. "Mine?", she said "Yes". I moved my hand up towards her neck. Softly sliding it back down to her chest as I said, "Yes what?", pushing into her. "I'm yours babe". I asked her if she felt safe as I traced her skin with my finger tips. She replied, "Yes". "You're mine and will do as you're told?", "yes". I wasn't planning on touching her just yet but she was being a brat because she needed reassurance. I had no problem adjusting. She felt so good -having her in my arms, wiggling, whimpering, needy. It was exactly what I needed. She obviously knew what I liked. She enjoyed making me crazy and I didn't mind at all. I kissed her neck, held her hips still and made my way in front of her. I could feel a intense energy wasn't sure if it was just me. "Look at me", she didn't but instead shyd away looking down. I grabbed her chin with my hand and pulled her face up. "We are going to have to work on that", " I said look at me". I could see her pulling at her fingers. Giving in as our eyes met. She started to blush when I said, "hey there beautiful". She replied, "hello". Took my hand away from her chin tracing a line down to her chest, tugging her nipple before I slowly walked around her observing and enjoying her body. "Mmmm, damn" "Very nice", you're beautiful. I made my way towards the chair. Pulled it away from the wall a bit and took a seat, picking up the panties closing my eyes breathing her in deep "mmmm". I looked over at her staring back at me with this grin on her face. "Dance for me". Without hesitation she confidently struts my way, swaying her hips and moving her arms. Slapping her ass, touching and caressing her body. She was beautiful and could really move her body, wow. I could feel my teeth salivating to the point where I was almost drooling. Motionless thinking to myself -here she is, dancing... for me.... I could see her confidence growing seeing my reactions. She walked past my legs, grazing my knees. Dancing behind me, her hands touching my shoulder. She bent and slid her hand down and up my chest. Every touch soft and teasing. She put her fingers through my hair, caressing my chin as she slinked away. Did a little dance that ended with her standing in front of me. Wedged her leg in-between mine. It was an older style big chair sturdy enough for two people. Sitting up I grabbed onto her hips turnt her around slapping her ass. "Mmmm, you're so fucking sexy". She did a little twirl and climbed onto my lap. "Hi", I said, "hello". It's like time froze for minutes.

To be continued

#spilled thoughts #part three #m.a.d #i wrote more but it didn't save #again #I'll add it to part four #🔥🔥🔥 #is it getting hot in here? #what will happen next #((nervous 🫣)) #wlw #bisexual #something for the ladies #anyone want to help my with a title???

[dollybites]

i’ve been hating my body so much lately, to have a body is to carry the burden of seeing and feeling it every day, i wish i was just a light shapeless floating spirit

#last night definitely solidified it #i don’t look like other girls #and a month ago a guy i was friends with pointed out that i’m wider at the top?? and the extra weight evens it out but #that’s not how it works #and now i can’t stop seeing how disproportionate i am #and i feel even more self conscious about myself #personal

[kabukeo]

tonight's little doodles

#doodle #lcb #meursault lcb #meurgreg #im trying to be less self conscious about making meurgreg or any ship art really #twt has exposed me to everyone having an opinion on every ship ever #which has made me back away from making too much art of any one ship #i know meurgreg is one of the most popular ships but because of that i also feel an odd sense of guilt #i cant explain it like i should use my art to contribute to a rare pair or smth idk #its all a bit weird and irrational #but ive realized i have not been able to make art for myself for months #every idea i have and everything i go forward to draw im always thinking about how others will feel about it #and how i can make it better fit or adequate for an audience so i dont let them down or bore them #and that mindset has made art so much of a chore that ive significantly slowed down so much on art at all #so idk #trying to stop overthinking and just draw what i feel to the extent that i feel #escape the perfectionism and wanting to please everyone as much as possible #to elaborate on the weird meurgreg feeling i guess its like #i feel guilty for filling tags even more with an already popular ship & making mutuals who dont like meurgreg see it more #but its just not that deep #people can mute meurgreg and thats just not my problem anyway #sry ab these tags!

[theflyingfeeling]

...💌

#not-very-seriously contemplating making a fitalk sideblog #just so i could ramble on about my fic ideas like the lunatic i am without bothering anyone #because istg i come up with at least 3 new ideas a day and more if necessary #but i'm too self-conscious to do that on my main blog too often because i always manage to convince myself no one actually cares #and that the only few people who do seem to care only care because they want to be supportive #and/or think it's cute i'm so passionate about the fics/pairing or whatever #and there's nothing wrong with that and i'm thankful of course! #but it sort of makes me feel like a child being praised by adults ya know? 😭 #and idk maybe i just feel like this because i used to share a hyperfixation OTP with a friend #and i'd come up with new fic ideas/headcanons for our OTP on a daily basis #until the friend admitted they weren't even that into the pairing #they just found it adorable to see how enthusiastic i was thinking of stories of them :) #which made me feel like such an idiot lol silly me thought they were as into it as i was #like. i get the need to infodump about hyperfixations to a friend even if the friend is not into the hyperfixation #especially if you don't know anyone else to whom you could talk about it #but i don't need that personally. i'd rather talk about my hyperfixations to someone who actually wants to hear it #and not just because they think i'm being adorable or they want to support me #i can very well keep it all to myself or just idk talk to myself?? lol #so yeahhhh i kinda don't want to make myself feel like a clown like that again 🤡 #i do realise i think about fic ideas an unhealthy amount probably lol #but then again isn't that what actual published authors do all the flipping time?! the only difference is that i'm not getting paid for it😤 #this wasn't supposed to become a rant lol the words just started flooding #anywayyyyy who wants to hear about my royalty!aleksi / ballet dancer!olli fic idea with side roommates-with-benefits olli/joonas? #additional tags include 'helping the other put on make-up' and 'anal fingering'. if you even care #(pls don't actually ask it's ridiculous)

[kithj]

Hey, hope you're doing well! Had a couple questions for you if they're not too personal:

1. Whats your favourite story you've written so far? Is it something public? Is it finished?

2. Do you have any long form non-interactive fiction you've written that's available to read? I would genuinely kill to read something like that from you

hi :-) ohh these are fun...

my favorite story is probably My NovelTM which isn't finished yet, i've written a first draft and now it's just been languishing until i can find the motivation to start a second draft. i finished the first draft in august i think, and started editing it pretty heavily before i realized i was just going to have to rewrite the whole thing again. i'm mostly having trouble with the ending, which always seems to be my problem lmfao... anyways it follows the relationship of Angel and Valerie, after Valerie has been missing for a few months and suddenly returns as a vampire with no memory of Angel or what happened over the months while she was away. it alternates between both their povs in both present day and through flashbacks.

so unfortunately for your second question, no, but i do hope to publish Angel and Valerie's story one day, either traditionally through a small press (lol here's hoping) or by self-publishing it. otherwise my only published work is what's available on my itch.io (siren's call, one day hike, etc)

i am working on a short story for vampire jam, which i'll hopefully be sharing next month. it's still in the form of interactive fiction, published in twine, but it's more of a short story than anything like blood choke or tnp. i also have a butch cowboys and zombies story i've been working on for a while, but i'm not sure when i'll get around to finishing it since it's not a priority project.

i do want to write another novel as well, a very old story i've been kicking around for years, but as usual i haven't been able to come up with an ending for it... but maybe one day.

#one thing that amazes me abt published authors is just. the way they churn out books #how do they have so many ideas.... esp when their stories are so varied #i feel like my work is very one note lmfao one day hike & blood choke & hell's holler& even my vampjamp story& the cowboy story #are all very similar. it makes me feel self conscious tbh like im just writing the same thing over and over #but whatever it's what i need to write rn to keep myself sane even if it's all jsut sad lesbians LOL #i tell myself it's helping me refine the narrative i want to perfect in hell's holler (the novel) #idk i would like to write something more happy eventually #like i want to write a YA book. everyone brace yourselves but i want to write a historical fiction during the early 2000s/2010s #it sounds silly to call it historical fiction but like. it would be #around when gay marriage was legalized in the US & the lead up to it #as well as political/cultural attitudes in the US during that time post 9/11. through a high schooler's perspective #think something like the old american girl doll stories when they were actually historical and educational rather than nostalgia bait #yes i AM bitter about the 90s twins why do you ask #anyways. yeah 👍 #ask #sproongoose

[milkywaypixies]

idk, maybe I will be more active here again

#just feeling a bit self conscious about being myself on twitter u know #even tho I don't have much followers there #but enough to make me hold myself more than I would :'D

[kavehater]

I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness

#There’s this specific part of the song #It srsly alters my brain chemistry #Anyways #i hate tumblr sm #Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm #No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much #Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely #Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D #The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏 #Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it #The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc #To show her how messy it was …. #I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone … #Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th #Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious #And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei #It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking #To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I #Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia #And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games #All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car #Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke #Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon #Like me go mad with all these things #Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up. #dora daily #Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable #Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more #Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing. #Essay tags 😻😻😻

[neonhairspray]

^÷^

#am i excited? yes #but am I still not fully myself mentally? also yes #at first I thought it was because of PMS or my period #but it's over and I'm still feeling the same #and crying out of nowhere #see to cry in front of anyone except for my parents is VERY scary to me #i'm serious #even my cousins or those that I consider friends #I think none of my current friends had seen me cry and I am a sensitive little shit #i know it's stupid and as a teen I was very ok with this #but as I entered my twenties I became more and more self conscious about it #I WISH that one day i'll learn how to not feel ashamed of it #personal

[emypony]

.

#damn babygirl i wish people checked up on me more #this self conscious catgirl is so tired #sometimes i WISH people just came into my dms to ask me if im ok #i do it constantly to others because i hope theyre not as sad as i am feeling in that moment #genuinely afraid to have made someone feel bad and drive them away from me #and omg i feel nyself running thin again just bc im afraid to lose the interactions we have altogether because i cant process certain media #in a healthy way whatsoever and i get super hung up on thinfs that really dont matter that much in the end #YEAH IM RAMBLING IT'S 5:30 AM AND I COULD BE SLEEPING RIGHT NOW BUT INSTEAD IM JUST CRYING FOR A STUPID REASON!! #i think ive only had one person check up on me based off the vibes in chat i gave off alone in the past couple of months #which was baffling and surreal btw and i think it broke something within me #it came from someone i wouldve never expected to even notice because sometimes it feels like its such a vast difference between us #i sometimes even wonder how are we friends in the first place #like do i even deserve to call this person my friend do they feel like that? or are we just discord acquaintances? #anyway all this just made me sad and my dumb ass is crying and yearning to be loved by my online peers thats all lol. meows pathetically #idk i guess i just.want to hear / see it more rather than just teying to tell myself that over and over hoping im not deluding myself abt i #personal #sorry for the emotions dump idk whats wrong with me tonight actually #me having to come to terms with the reality that i actually have a following and this might get boticed by more than 2 ppl #bc not everyone follows 3k blogs like i am :skull emoji: yknow #im probably gonna delete later because im actually a super self conscious person to the point i get nauseatingly anxious about it holy shit #i dont vent often and im 120% keeping it in but when i do oh boy #the dam bursts and im left like a sopping wet dog on the floor looking like a sad blob #which i am feeling like right now! #vent #emy rambles #ALSO LIKE THIS ISNT TO SAY IM NOT GRATEFUL FOR MY FRIENDS OMG I AM #k really am #sometimes its still like. idk. unbelievable to me that people are genuinely interacting with me and the things i write or headcanon #and i shouldn't expect them to know whats wrong with me or if i feel bad if i dont say it or communicate that to them #but yknow one can yearn

[tiredsadpeach]

I don’t think any of my friends would even notice if I just isolated myself lmao

#so I’m gonna do it!!!! #I don’t feel like any of them care anyway #I only have three friends btw no surprise there #honestly it’s a miracle I have any but yknow #it doesn’t matter all but one just continually forget about me even on days they Know are hard for me #and I’m not exaggerating because one sorta checked on me and then I was semi comforting him instead and the other tweeted about hoping I’m #okay but did nothing to actually check on me or anything I’m just a passing thought its like I’m not even there #like a tweet on your priv about me is nothing compared to actually messaging me and checking on me #whatever I’m just a dead flower anyway since I never text first and then I see things where they complain about people that don’t text first #and I get even more self conscious and upset at myself but I can’t do anything about it because when I try lately things go wrong so why try #stop watering a dead plant they say lmao #not like I have trauma that stops me or anything #not like when I had decided I needed help or just someone to talk to it took me hours to finally text #not like I texted first to try and resolve an argument twice lately and you were just even more angry #idk what you want me to do #I just know what I can and can’t do #I haven’t been enough for you this whole year and I know if you leave that he’ll leave too that’s how y’all work #I honestly wanna deactivate my twt but that’ll just piss him off #I just need to live silently until I get the tax money #oh lol just remembered one time when I texted first to try and fix things he tweeted about how he wished he had just killed himself the #night before so he wouldn’t have to have that conversation just then!!!!!! #but no I’m just an awful person because I don’t text first

[the-travelling-witch]

thinking some unapologetically self-indulgent thoughts to distract myself from feeling lesser than other writers haha

#chatter spell #i love constantly comparing myself to others #despite all of us just doing what we love #idk lately i’ve just been feeling a little self-conscious about the quality of my works #and i’ve come to the conclusion that i can’t measure up to the content other people are putting out #which has stagnated my process even more #or maybe it was the cause for the stagnation #so uhm yeah #idk i’m just wondering why anyone would read my stuff when there’s so much better content out there #i think that sums it up somewhat decently

[mntcoronet]

OH YEA just so y'all know if u notice I'm not very active I've just been really tired recently. including with regards to people-energy so if u message me and I take ages to respond I Do apologise! I have just been going through it this week for some reason. do not know why and do not know when it will end. but please know I am not avoiding anyone out of annoyance, if it makes u feel better I have had trouble even convincing myself to have anything more complex than just chips and a banana for lunch sometimes, so please rest assured I am not ignoring any of u just for the sake of it

#maggles ramblings #gotta admit though. #this is also a 'wow I wonder why i feel strange' (has had a sudden lifestyle change and doesn't know when it'll be normal again) moment #which is - one parent is currently staying somewhere else for their own good so i am home alone much more often #i am happy about both these things! means less stress on me! but also after the initial WOO i feel very dead and Eh now. #so it is tough keeping up with people. especially when I've had trouble getting motivation to do much else on top of that #like since the initial Woo! moment passed i. don't think I've actually drawn at all. or opened my laptop. or continued my sewing project #like anything that I've really been happy to do (ignoring the fact I've barely done much of that the past month anyway) #OH YEA OR EVEN PLAYED ANY GAMES EXCEPT THAT RHYTHM ONE #like all that would be very easy for me to just get on with! but no all I've been doing is sitting here lost in my own thoughts #with videos on in the bg that i only Somewhat pay attention to. #if i wasn't so easily convinced by my hunger then several days of the last week i might've just stayed in bed honestly #BUT YEA just! a little update. cos i don't like leaving ppl on read but it's also more tough rn getting myself the motivation to Talk yknow #also this post was scheduled for the morning bc i was too self conscious to post immediately oopsies

[rosyadventurer]

Thinking about how nice to be loved and how it has changed me but for the better. I am yearning and I am yearned for

#rosyadventurings #boyf tag #I'm just like. this person loves me? he sees my flaws #he sees my weaknesses #and yet not only does he hold me in his arms #but he trusts me with his burdens all the same #I went from feeling self conscious about saying stupid bits and being myself #to being recognized not just as a person but as an individual #LIKE I GET IT MY EX WAS SHITTY #but I felt I was trying to be perfect for my ex #I don't even need to BE anything other than myself for my boyfriend now #anyway I am just feeling emotions #edit: I wanna mention there is a lot of stuff he does to make me feel this way #but I think like. him finding me desirable when I'm just wearing work out gear #or saying I will buy you a better plushie when he thinks I'm looking at a claw machine #and ESPECIALLY when he buys my a PRINTER so I can start a sticker business #he is looking at me and saying I love this person and I want them to be happy #there is so much more he does too I'm still just in my feelings

[nimomo-mo]

vent

#i was hungry today so i think my appetite is coming back despite the pills #and im not sure if thats a good thing #i still cant focus so i mean. lol. lmao even #at least i cant make myself start tasks and my executive dysfunction is as bad as ever #now i have the issue of if i keep getting hungry like before im gonna gain weight again and i dont wanna #look theres nothing wrong with being fat or chubby and god knows im not aiming to be a stick figure but oh my god i dont want to gain weigh #i should work out and get fit like a normal human and that means i should eat right. but i still have that nagging feeling #i love myself. i do. i have the dissociation thing where i cant recognize myself in the mirror tho. and its not good this time. #usually i dont really mind since its like. you know like its not me anyway so what does it matter if that girl is fat or not #but im really self conscious and feel gross and i dont know why it all started back up again #i want to measure it. want to weigh myself. want to count calories and check with measuring tape #but i really shouldnt and i know that if i do i will trigger such a bad episode i might end up in the fucking hospital #i need to hold out until this episode goes away. i need to stand it all until i get my head back together. #i dont wanna get malnutrition or lose weight so fast my skin gets flappy #but every little thing i eat ends up nagging at the back of my head about how if i eat more ill get fat and noone will like me then #its not true. i know its not true. and i know fat people are gorgeous and i am already chubby so what does it matter #but i feel horrible. i dont want to look like this or feel like this or be like this #i want to be the best i can be. i want to reach my full potential. but its not exactly working. i swear to god i wanna love myself #i want to be loved. i want to be adored. i want to be the one someone picks even if the room is full of gorgeous and competent women #i want to be the first choice and for the person to see me as the most beautiful person in the world #to be the first choice and to be everything someone wants and needs. to be the ideal. to be the perfect one even with my flaws #i want someone to look at all the ugly sides of me and look at my fat and my emotional fuckery and my ugly crying and still love me #i want someone to love me so wholeheartedly i wont ever feel like theyd like someone else. that theyd pick someone else. that im not no.1 #i want to be that person you do a double take of. to be the one that people get jealous of. to be the spotlight. to be the prettiest one. #its egoistical and selfish and childish and mean and dumb and naive and self absorbed i know. i know that it is #but its still there and its embarrassing . but im not gonna pretend like i dont have these thoughts and feelings. #im not smart or pretty enough to stand out. i dont know what could make me special. i dont know what i do that makes me unique. #what am i? who am i? how do i get better? i want to be better. i want to be better i want to be better i want to be better #i want to reach a new level i want to reach their level i want to be at the top i want to be special i want to be better i want to be proud #i want to be genuinely proud and special and outstanding enough to not feel insecure or inferior anymore

[starstruckpurpledragon]

Imposter syndrome is such an annoying thing and shows up when I least expect it.

It used to be this big hulking thing that made me worry I'd chosen a field of work I wasn't cut out for (turns out I'm good at frontend programming) and fear my writing sucked (turns out I've improved over time) and that no one cared what I thought about the media I enjoy (turns out that people enjoy my rambles and I'm persuasive in person when it comes to convincing people to watch tv shows I like)

And while I've learned that the voice of imposter syndrome is wrong... it is still there. Which is why I'm still surprised sometimes to learn that I'm considered a valued lead engineer or that someone considers me a favorite fanfic author or that my fandom meta is found to be interesting by others.

Because these seem like big things and I often feel kind of small.

But the more I learn about other people's confidence in me, my own confidence grows. And it becomes the voice of imposter syndrome - and not me - that proves to be small.

I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this feeling. But you never know. Maybe you're someone else's favorite author too.

#it's definitely taken a while for me to reach this point #where I can just ramble about stuff and not feel self conscious about it #and write what I want and feel confident that even if no one reads it then it'll still be good #where i can be called a valued lead at work and think that yes that description does fit with my contributions #just kinda had a realization today that while I still have a ways to go #i'm actually so much more confident in myself than i used to be - i've grown so much more than i'd thought i had #today was a good day