#and idk maybe i just feel like this because i used to share a hyperfixation OTP with a friend

[theflyingfeeling]

...💌

#not-very-seriously contemplating making a fitalk sideblog #just so i could ramble on about my fic ideas like the lunatic i am without bothering anyone #because istg i come up with at least 3 new ideas a day and more if necessary #but i'm too self-conscious to do that on my main blog too often because i always manage to convince myself no one actually cares #and that the only few people who do seem to care only care because they want to be supportive #and/or think it's cute i'm so passionate about the fics/pairing or whatever #and there's nothing wrong with that and i'm thankful of course! #but it sort of makes me feel like a child being praised by adults ya know? 😭 #and idk maybe i just feel like this because i used to share a hyperfixation OTP with a friend #and i'd come up with new fic ideas/headcanons for our OTP on a daily basis #until the friend admitted they weren't even that into the pairing #they just found it adorable to see how enthusiastic i was thinking of stories of them :) #which made me feel like such an idiot lol silly me thought they were as into it as i was #like. i get the need to infodump about hyperfixations to a friend even if the friend is not into the hyperfixation #especially if you don't know anyone else to whom you could talk about it #but i don't need that personally. i'd rather talk about my hyperfixations to someone who actually wants to hear it #and not just because they think i'm being adorable or they want to support me #i can very well keep it all to myself or just idk talk to myself?? lol #so yeahhhh i kinda don't want to make myself feel like a clown like that again 🤡 #i do realise i think about fic ideas an unhealthy amount probably lol #but then again isn't that what actual published authors do all the flipping time?! the only difference is that i'm not getting paid for it😤 #this wasn't supposed to become a rant lol the words just started flooding #anywayyyyy who wants to hear about my royalty!aleksi / ballet dancer!olli fic idea with side roommates-with-benefits olli/joonas? #additional tags include 'helping the other put on make-up' and 'anal fingering'. if you even care #(pls don't actually ask it's ridiculous)

[waiting-makes-me-antsy]

Why the KOSA Bill Should Not Pass

tw: ab0rtion talk, assault mention, su1cide mention

also, credit to @the-realest-spot-conlon for getting this strike started. i've known about this bill for a while but until she talked about it, i hadn't really researched what this bill would have in store for the united states.

this will be a bit dark because this is sort of a speech against the KOSA bill and the bill basically wants to ban any talk of abortion, protesting and the LGBTQ+ community from kids under 16- WHICH the parents have no control over controlling what their child could see and the government would basically be saying:

"oh that's inappropriate" to say something like, idk, an inclusive video

and basically sort of brainwashing an entire generation

so yeah this will be a bit dark so don't read if you might be uncomfortable with the topics this sort of speech will have

(and this is directed at the government so when I say 'you' in the paragraphs it's towards the government)

[i removed the first part because it's a bit more personal and uh i dont think it should be shared here :sob]

And while it might seem a bit overexaggerated, it’s true. There are teenagers all over the united states, countries and the globe who face problems like these. And it’s not just verbal. No, there is physical violence and assault, hate crimes happening to students everywhere.

You might now be asking: “What does this have to do with the KOSA bill?”

I hate to say it but the internet has truly been my one and only friend I can ever count on. Who I always know has my back. The LGBTQ+ community doesn’t care if I’m not super skinny or if I have scars lining my arms. They support the fact I don’t really have any romantic feelings towards other people or really just romantic feelings in general. They make me feel normal. That it’s okay to not feel inclined to have and align with the normal gender rules. That I don’t have to follow the binary.

The internet is the only place I can analyze poetry and art deeply with different interpretations and analyzations of every single line, or every single stroke in a painting or word in a novel. Where I can freely talk about my new hyperfixation and no one will stare at me weirdly. Instead, they will respond with another essay.

They won’t say it’s “fucking sad” that I like to write essays in my free time- one of the only ways I can truly express myself because no one at school wants to hear me talk.

And it’s not just a safe place for me. No, it’s a place where everyone as a whole can express their rights and their thoughts. This is our future generation- our future leaders we’re talking about. If the only things that can make us realize what we need to change are censored, how will we ever be able to fix these problems that citizens make? 

Abortion laws. Yes I’m saying that. You want to censor any talk of abortion. What about all the innocent girls out there? Brutally assaulted and forced to ruin their career because they can’t get rid of a baby that’s not even developed yet. That doesn’t even have feelings or a brain yet. It’s just a tiny hint of life, not a fully classified human being yet. An embryo. And so now, they will have to face anxiety, depression, guilt, maybe even shame and ruin for the rest of their lives. 

They don’t have a free choice. But America is supposed to be freedom for the people! And here you are, taking away futures. Taking away future doctors, lawyers and even presidents. Just to save a cell inside their stomachs. Just to make them risk their lives giving a painful birth that will destroy their bodies. No brain, no feelings and no heartbeat. 

We need to know the wrongs in our world to stop them! To be able to protest against them! To be able to stand up for ourselves! So the older generations won't keep making votes that will ruin OUR futures.

Let’s look back at the first right for our states. Freedom of Speech. Huh, sound familiar to your bill? You want to take away protesting from the eyes of our future. From what can help them make the right decisions for our nation. So they can learn to lead. But no, you just want to raise mindless sheep that will bend to your will because they never had any exposure to what can help them break away. 

This bill will ruin lives. It will break apart the nation into pieces like a glass window broken by a bullet. Because if this bill passes, I bet you this: suicide rates will go up. Depression rates: up. Without the comfort of people who you actually connect to, isolation will take over your feelings and it just leads you into a downward spiral.

Imagine you’re a 13 year old who just watched their entire future torn to shreds by a bill signed. You just took their voice away. Their rights away. Possibly their entire life away. Consider that.

#KOSA newsies strike #fuck kosa #stop kosa #kosa bill #antsy whispers speaks

[fuutaprotectionsquad]

Yknow I feel like I should have a main post where I share my Milgram opinions/verdicts (thought of this bc i was writing my sister's opinion on the milgram characters). So I'll go character by character.

Will anyone read this? I don't know but its here

Haruka: I relate to him a bit (shitty mother, intrusive homicidal thoughts, neurodivergence). I def feel bad for him but hes still really guilty in my mind. I just think the whole killing for attention thing is a really dangerous mindset you can't just get out of, especially if you're being told you're not in the wrong. And it definitely seems like he doesn't actually feel bad for the girl he killed, just feels bad because people are mad at him for it. Idk. But I enjoy his dynamic with Muu a lot, even tho its toxic i just think its really interesting. But I wish him the best and he deserves a hug. His songs are mid tho (/hj i like them)

Yuno: I love her personality and I think shes so fun, but I honestly don't think about her a lot compared to the others. But I love her and specifically enjoy her dynamics with (obv mostly in fan content) Kazui, Mahiru and Fuuta. Her and Fuuta are such a good platonic ship (romantic is fun too). Innocent vote, obv. I like her songs, but Tear Drop moreso than Umbilical.

Fuuta: Oh my god I wonder what I think of him. In all seriousness he's a major hyperfixation of mine at like every given moment. I adore him and i think he deserves better and to be innocent. Like he feels so guilty for what he did and he didn't know any better, everyone around him was encouraging his behavior and praising him for it. But then it got too far and all his friends abandoned him and blamed him like. Poor fuuta :( and he's like 100% right when he says him and es are exactly the same. On another note, major fan of 0309 (romantically, but either way works), and also love his dynamic with Haruka, Yuno, Mahiru, Amane and Es. His songs are both in my top three (backdraft being #1)

Muu: Tied for my fav character(? Fuuta might beat her idk) I love her personality and vibe and everything just ❤️❤️ queen shit. And her queen bee design is gorgeous. Typically my favs are men but shes one of the first women ive hyperfixated on this much. Again, love her dynamic with Haruka, not from a like. healthy relationships could make the characters better standpoint, but from a story perspective its interesting. But yeah guilty. As for her songs, INMF is my #2 and i like After Pain

Shidou: Honestly I used to be kinda indifferent about him and just found him to be boring but then I rewatched his voice dramas and read some fics and I like him more now. I feel really bad for him bc he went through a really shitty situation which he felt he had the power to change and was stuck in a shitty moral dilemma bc of it. And in the end he did shitty things to save those he loved and it didn't even matter. He feels so guilty and doesn't deserve it. Innocent <3. Also romantic 0507 ftw (0506 is cool too). Him and Amane are silly too. As for his songs i like them, but they're not my fav

Mahiru: i like her, but im not too like. invested in her ig. But i feel bad for her :( she just wants to feel love and like. clearly she did something wrong but she didn't know she was. She never intended to hurt anyone. So innocent. Unless we find out she like. did something really fucking bad then maybe guilty. But in I Love You it implies it was a mutual toxicity so it probably wasn't something super terrible? But anyway. I love her with like all the characters cuz shes just so fun to see interact w others, but specifically with Yuno, Fuuta, Shidou, Amane and Mikoto.

Kazui: Hes so fun i love him. Like all he wants is to be honest and be himself but he feels pressured to lie and then finally he tells the truth and his wife fucking kills herself like- jeez- poor guy. Like following the gay theory, i get why she mightve done it (imagine being told the romance you built your entire life around for like 20 years was all a lie, and that your husband never actually loved you and just pretended to and every time you kissed or something he was just pretending like. that sucks poor hinako) but its so awful that he had to go thru that. But anyway innocent, kazui come out we accept you. And stan 0507. Song wise cat is easily #4 but. half is ok ig

Amane: Yknow i love amane but I also hate her and i think part of that might be the fandom? idk. I feel sorry for her bc she grew up in such a shitty situation but also i think shes beyond the point where we can uninstill those ideologies. Like shes 12, not 5. And amane says it herself that she has as much of a free will as everyone else and that her decision to kill/stay in this environment should be valued. Not that i think she should remain in this abusive situation, but she's not just some innocent kid whose being manipulated, she knows what she's doing. Hence, guilty. I don't think either vote will change her or anything so im voting with my honest opinion. As for dynamics, i love seeing her interact with all the other prisoners, but especially Shidou and Fuuta.

Mikoto: I love mikoto a lot but im so on the fence about his verdict. Ive been voting him innocent but theres still a part of me thats like. debating it. Bc he shouldn't have to be punished for John's actions, and it sucks that that's the situation hes in, but its that or more murders are left to occur. The main reason i say innocent is under the idea that John could go dormant or just stop fronting as much if we reduce mikoto's stress (like he says will happen i think). But hes so complex and fun i love mikoto. Specifically i love romantic 0309 but also his dynamic w the smoking group and mahiru. Also i love his songs.

Kotoko: I love her but also fuck her for hurting fuuta (and mahiru too but mainly fuuta). She annoys me bc she was so quick to almost murder several people based on a preliminary verdict that was made using little information. Like she knew this wasn't a concrete verdict, but attacked them anyway. I get her ideology of "kill people who evade justice to protect the weak" but only when they've actually done bad things (ie. the guy kidnapping the little girl). But when she doesn't know what they did and knows the person accusing them doesn't either???? Like bruh. But i like her character shes fun. I like seeing how she interacts with es and everyone she attacked. And songs, harrow is okay and i really like deep cover.

Whew im done.

#this has been in my drafts for a hot bit so im posting it #milgram #haruka sakurai #yuno kashiki #fuuta kajiyama #muu kusunoki #shidou kirisaki #mahiru shiina #kazui mukuhara #amane momose #mikoto kayano #kotoko yuzuriha

[brybryby]

Hi hi! So I’ve been outlining a Video Essay to inspect Outlast’s portrayal of the relationship between US capitalism and queerness (along with immigration/xenophobia due to Trials coming up) and…

…I was initially going to keep it private within my IG circle, but after spending hours searching up academic articles and master’s theses discussing heteronormativity and social theory—as well as revisiting textbooks from the few philosophy and gender/racial studies courses I took from university—I’ve decided that I’d like to share here also!

It’s in the process, but I want to put a lot of care into it since JT Petty’s writing is incredibly interesting to me, while also dissecting the material from a brown, queer perspective and being someone who was born/raised in the US from a family of immigrants. (I’m not trying to push an “agenda”, but I think my background is a pretty good reflection of where my values lie lol). Another reason I’m putting a lot of care into this is because I understand that the franchise’s narratives and stories get into intensely heavy topics/themes, and it would pain me if I were to misinterpret and/or cast certain plots in such a way that is unfair, ignorant, harmful, and overall awful.

Because of this, I’d like to open up this post and my DMs to any constructive conversation surrounding these themes in the games/comics! I’ll be posting questions & argument points gradually so feel free to wait to discuss in the specifics in those.

A huge reason I’m doing this is because a lot of people who know me irl know I hyperfixate on this franchise, and I fear that their surface level interpretation of that would just be chalked up to me liking/endorsing f-ed up stuff (which I adamantly say is NOT the case—I think we all know that a dissection of horrors and traumatic events can be therapeutic and empowering). With the video essay, I want to explain that my hyperfixation is related to the nuanced themes in the narratives, especially regarding gender/queerness and social theory.

Plus it’s been a while since I’ve written something in an academic-style with citations, peer analysis, etc.! I forget how enriching it can be.

I’ll admit that I’m not a very opinionated person (and I think I tend to error on being critical of my own opinions). My ultimate goal here is to spread empathy and share a wide variety of perspectives from many backgrounds. Additionally, I respect JT Petty for being so daring to tackle heavy/“taboo” themes in film, cinema, etc. and I want to show my appreciation. I’m not necessarily endorsing anything—instead, I’d like to understand the stories as an art, understand it’s intentions, and inspect how it affects different communities.

Plus I think this video essay process will be fun! Idk, I hope this doesn’t come off as self-righteous or anything LOL—or maybe it does so please make fun of me, I need to be humbled.

Alrighty, thanks y’all. Hope you have a fantastic rest of your day/night!

#outlast #outlast trials #red barrels #outlast video essay

[discount-limeade]

Slipknot: A Review

This is a JOKE. That being Said.....

Conrad's Ratings On How much "Pull Game" The Knot Members Had. (And if they use Spray or Stick Deodorant)

This is 100 Percent Biased. This isn't a News source, welcome to My Hyperfixation.

Pull Game: We're gonna Loosely Define this as, If they could Hypothetically get bitches.

0. Sid Wilson

9/10

Starting Strong, Sid's got it on Lock. Docking One Point Because The Hyperfixations can Be DETRIMENTAL to getting bitches and Some people might not think Transformers are Cool.

Spray: Old Spice

1. Joey Jordison

8/10

Joey was For SURE getting Hoes in the Book. No questions. But this Specific picture (because I chose it), What in the 'Just Crawled out from under the Sink' is he doing.

-1 For Posture, tighten up man. Your neck is about to be at a Permanent Right angle. -1 for, idk I feel like he'd Say some strange shit.

Stick: He puts it on by going through the bottom of his shirt.

2. Paul Gray

7/10

Personally, LARGE fan of Paul. But we gotta think about this Logically alright. It's 2000, you're approached by this Man, he offers you a Cigarette. You take it OBVIOUSLY, he's just a being Nice.

-1 for possible Off puttingness. -1 Approachability (??). -1 When he lets you hit the bong he tells you it's not that bad and you end up coughing your eye out.

Stick: He looks like he has a Cool Sock Collection.

3. Chris Fehn

9/10

In our Hearts we all Know this man was a Ten. The eyebrows on His Mask Here are Very Good, which May Cancel out this lost Point.

-1 For Public Masturbation.

Stick: There's a Bite Missing

4. James Root

7/10

Now, if this was Blonde Jim, 10. I'd Find no reason to criticize, but it's not and this One picture will dictate his Entire Rating.

-1 Gay. Self Explanatory. -1 touched his balls and Wiped his hand on your neck. -1 pissed and didn't wash hands.

Does NOT wear deodorant and if he does it's that Paste organic kind.

5. 133

6/10

Once Again We All know he's Ten. Love a Strong Silent Guy. You know how this goes though, the picture selected Has Sealed his Fate.

-1 for, is this a school photo??. Update your portfolio. -1 I don't have my shots and those definitely have something. -1 he looks like a Train Guy. -1 beer cooler says 'for the boys'.

Stick. Looks like he tried to finger it.

6. Clown

5/10

Yo look how Whimsical he is. We got Elderman Shawn here. Physically, jumping this man's bones. Personality wise, he makes me MAD AS FUCK.

-1 if you pulled his hair it would come out in CLUMPS. -1 smells like fish. -1 definitely has a Foot Fetish. But I'm not talking NORMAL foot fetish I mean this man wants to put HIS feet on YOU. -1 says 'Honk Honk' when he grabs your Tits. Fucking YIKES. -1 keeps Muttering to Himself about The Circus, You should probably go...

Stick? It's Somewhere amongst his Things.

7. Mick Thomson

10/10

Any Day of the Week. He's just Got everything Going Right. Possible only downfall would be How strange his Wrist is Bent up in this pic but I will not Dock him for that.

Stick. He gets the Twin Packs to Share With Crew.

8. Corey Taylor

4/10.

Before you Say it, Yes, I would. But this isn't about That. This is about the fact that He gets NO BITCHES. And I'm not Talking about the Occasional, I mean this guy has never doesn't even know what Sex IS.

-2 he's COMING UP THE STAIRS FROM HIS DWELLING. -1 eats His own Ear wax. -1 how do you have lice and you only have Maybe 13 Pieces of Hair. -1 there Are Juice Stains around his mouth. -1 ate a mouse.

Spray. He likes to Stab The Cans So they Explode.

-----

In conclusion, I started Writing this at 4 am. It is now almost Seven. Have a Wonderful rest of your day.

#slipknot #sid wilson #joey jordison #paul gray #jim root #craig jones #shawn clown crahan #shawn crahan #mick thomson #corey taylor #review #rizzknot #yo that's ugly as FUCK #prophecy

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

I keep having hard and agonising talks with my mother I deserve more treats for this

Also the weirdest thing at this event today was that an old childhood friend approached me and wanted to be friends with me

I mean

I’m in an… autistic panic about it. Like I’m genuinely terrified

Because this girl I thought was my best friend when I was younger or I called her that or I trailed after her a lot and we got on but also she was a bit detached and not so interested in me and I just… I don’t know how to explain what it’s like but she was popular but not popular like she wasn’t mean she was easygoing but disinterested in me

But I saw her at this event and waved and smiled and we did a polite catch up thing but she was very very friendly and seemed genuinely pleased to see me?

Then later my sister pointed out I could exchange numbers and ah I can do that now but I was worried so I approached her and

“Hey I just thought if you want to we could swap numbers, only if you want to, we could meet up if you’re up for it”

“Oh absolutely I would love that ^_^” *talks a bit about some personal stuff that I wasn’t expecting her to share and we sort of have common ground on? Family troubles and practicing religion*

Me: *panicking in wondering whether she’s placating me or being genuine and really likes me now and actively wants a connection*

Look I don’t know if it’s autism that’s the thing. I say I’m autistic but maybe I’m just idk, useless. That isn’t to say autistic people are useless I just feel like to say I’m autistic is like an excuse but also

Yeah I can socialise and say the right things but this is what I am behind it all. I haven’t seen this girl in close to a decade now I have a history of thinking people are closer than they actually are or giving more of myself in a friendship than they are

And I’m sure everyone feels socialising is tricky or feels this uncertainty but I feel UNCERTAIN

It’s like speaking a different language but not entirely being sure what they are saying just what I’m trying to say

….so like a second language

Am I autistic or am I traumatised or am I just a moron?

Because see now I’ve descended into panic and it’s become a panic of even saying I’m autistic because I feel stupid for giving myself a label when I could just be using it as an excuse but it doesn’t feel like an excuse!!

I just…

*sighs* I… I’m not sure I know how to make friends without being ALL IN and *hyperfixation* and weird

At the same time I feel like, I’ve always been told I’m “trying too hard to be quirky” so I don’t want it to be branded as trying to be autistic I just think for the first time I would like to not have to mask and to have a genuine friendship and those are quite few and far between

I mean even when I went to a friend’s party the other week I jumped straight into big talk and career talk with this girl I just met and talking about ambitions and my passions and I….

I find though I can still mask I care less to, but this is one of those situations where when I was younger I didn’t mask at all and all the memories sting so maybe I should but if I do maybe I miss out on a genuine connection but ugh am I even autistic to be using these terms to begin with

I’m very confused

#star speaks #I feel like crying #I was sort of happy but now just anxious #and I can be social I am not anxious about socialising #I feel like I’ve definitely determined that in recent years #I am confident in masking but I don’t want to but can I even call it masking #this started as concerns over whether I could actually form a real connection here #whether I was reading the social situation correctly #and now I’m in a full blown identity crisis #the mother daughter discussions only exacerbate the issue because I have an added stress over that tonight as well

[panie-wanie-dean-bean]

Thank u so much for the lore answer, I love the cotton candy sweetness of fluff but ima lil drunk right now, so i wanted to share a f-ed up question if that's okay, (you'r free to not answer if not,) but since Bo is so determined to like not fuck upnot be sent back n stuff what kind of stuff would he avoid doing around MC 4hat he used to do around his previous masters?

and like, if its related or not, i had this headcanon that im glad u gave some bo backstory for bc where it was like, wat would happen if he accidentally caused a accident with all his adorbs puppy energy, like he's playing tag with Jack or somethin and with Bos megahuge beach boy buff arms just knocks MC down the flight of their fancy imported italian marble stairs edged with silver (they say this as they're fallin down btw 'ah! Im falling down my fancy imported italian marblestairshks Im stupid)

but anyway yea they break something or get like super injured or something and ofc the ambulance has to be called and they're taken ro the hospital to stay for awhile, which sucks bc like ofc society looks down on hybrids so everyone is side eyeing this adorable zoo mansion bc they're lame and 1 brain celled and like "thats wat happens when u have a house full of wild animals they should be put down if u ask me" and MCs attitude is like a grim but professional "if i had both my arms Id beat ur ass bitch, wats ur @? Soon as this morphine drip is done its over for u hoes" but like they probably have a cast or somethin . Anyway MC's worried about the boys, and me the OP is worried about Bo bc like Trauma city would hit his brain harrd, and i dont even know if the other guys would be so forgiving and stuff bc i mean they Should they're a family, but that was two(2) flights of imported italian marble dude, fuck, why play football tag,, in the house?? And idk i just felt bad bc jack n Bo esp probably would feel double bad even tho MC loves him so much he's just a hyper guy, he cant help his zoomzooms, i dont/cant fathom wat he and the boys would do in this situation probably pack his one thing (an old mc shoe) ina rucksack n try to run away miserably or maybe 24/7 at the hospitsl despite all the nasty looks and comments bc they're hybrids or magbe even hiding away bc he absolutely believes that mc will send him away once they lock eyes again, but regardless of either of those things, if MC has to roll up to the house in that (yknow that spongebob character guy who was born with glass bones and paper skin ass Giant ass full body cast on rollers??) To go find that boy and over the grand table firmly tell them not to harbor any horrible thoughts about themselves or each other, bc it was an accident and about lovin them unconditionally and being a family, i might cry or somethinf, the table is also imported italian maple btw MC-s parents had a thing i think they fucked an italian architect guy, or somethin anyway i luv u, im gonna eat a burrito so let me know if u want any thing from the kitchen luv u

Lemme know if tuis text is broken up enough bc i skimmed over it and i was like this is like the stat wars openin or some shit i put gaps in

🖤

First of all, sweety, for me, take a sip or two of water, ok? And make sure you sleep on your side if you're still drunk by then, forehead kisses all around

Anyways, Bo would just mask everything that brings him joy by the time you adopt him. No bouncing, no stimming in general, no talking unless asked, no indulging in his hyperfixations or special interests, he even tries to limit his tail wagging. He's come to correlate his own joy with bad behavior so he's just straight up not him when you first meet him

Holy shit, this is good, but fuck man. Bo wouldn't know what to do with himself. Once the ambulance takes you away he thinks you died. He's in full shutdown, no talking, no eating, no moving off your bed and your scent

Jack would also be distraught, both because he was playing with Bo and because he cleans those stairs so often they're just a little more slippery from how clean they are. He stays with Bo most days, Rory coming in with meals to make sure they don't starve in there. Jack eats a little. Bo doesn't

Rory feels bad for Jack and Bo, he knows they didn't mean it and trusts Jack's recount of events. Nick keeps himself busy by visiting you in the hospital, Shaun wants to go too but since cat's are a popular allergen he's not allowed in unless he needs care. Ian goes as often as he can so he doesn't have enough time to plot Bo's death. Jean and Berry are pissed and openly talk about kicking Bo out. They know better than to talk about Jack like that with Rory around. Joseph is stuck as peace maker until you get back, making sure that no fights break out and they Jean doesn't poisons Bo's food with onions, not that he'd eat it anyhow

When you finally get home and tell everyone that you forgive Bo seeing as it was an accident Bo finally lets everything hit him and cries. He's on his best behavior the months following, you'll have to reteach him to drop his "good boy" mask and be himself

#🖤 anon #whispers of an angry god #hybrid au #sdj Jack #sdj Rory #sdj Jean #sdj Joseph #sdj Bo #sdj Nick #sdj Shaun #sdj Ian #sdj Barry

[spiteless-xo]

💲

🧠 Hange. Or Levi. Or both.

😬

✅

🥰 ooo yay tysm for asking!!

💲Would you ever open commissions?

I’ve definitely thought about this in the past and this might sound lame but I feel like if I ever got to the point where people wanted to pay me to write for them, I’d feel like I MADE IT as an author 🙈

My dream is to one day be able to write for a living so that’d be really cool to see that people are willing to spend money for something I’ve made 🥺

So, short answer: yeah maybe one day!

😬Which of your fics would you be most horrified for friends, family, or coworkers to stumble upon?

Definitely That Night 🫣 It’s the first fic I wrote (recently-ish) so I feel like my writing is a little rougher in that fic. Also it’s got absolutely ZERO plot and is just about getting fucked by 3 anime guys 😫

✅What’s something that appears in your fics over and over again, even if you don’t mean it to?

Because I write fics about Reader sleeping w multiple people, I often talk about how a character kisses in comparison to another character 💀

so like “x’s kisses are soft and slow while y kisses with passion and intensity” or something like that. if i catch it when i’m editing i take it out now lol but i think it’s in at least 3 of my currently published fics

🧠Pick a character and I’ll tell you my favourite headcanon for them - Hange, Levi

oooo ok!! I don’t think about these guys much so i don’t have a lot but lemme give you what i got (sorry if this is more than what you asked for!!)

general headcanons - levi, hange

levi

acts of service is his love language for sure 🥺 i feel like he struggles to express his feelings with words or even affection, but he’ll make you tea if you’re not feeling well or clean up the house for you to lighten your workload if you’ve had a bad day

i think he derives his self worth through his career success and money. growing up with little, i think he wouldn’t feel like he made it in life unless he was wealthy and in a well respected position

i don’t think he’d necessarily be flashy with his money. like i don’t think he’d drive a sports car or something like that, it’s more of a security thing to know that if he needed $x for something, he has it available

idk why but i feel like this man has a sweet tooth 🥺 love chocolates and candies and especially gummy candies!! i feel like he’s got a stash somewhere in the house because he doesn’t like to share

i feel like marriage would be really important to him. even tho it’s just a piece of paper and a couple of rings, i think it makes him feel secure in his relationship — but at the same time it would be really difficult for him to propose because even if you’ve been dating forever, he’d still have that small bead of insecurity that you’re going to leave

hange

non-binary, they/them. i feel like that’s mostly canon but some people still write them with different pronouns idk. i feel like i could never write smut for hange because i can’t decide if it’s hotter for them to have a dick or a strap 🫣

will befriend literally anyone. i feel like if the two of you go out to the grocery store together, they’re chatting up the other customers, asking for recommendations from the butcher at the deli counter, talking to the cashier about school 💀 every outing takes 10x longer when you’re with them

has a hard time sitting still and is CONSTANTLY tinkering with stuff. like the two of you can’t have a moment of peace without hange being like, does that picture frame look crooked to you? i bet i could fix it. or like there’s horseback riding at a local farm nearby!! i already booked us a date there 🥰

doesn’t drink! idk why but i feel like they don’t like the way alcohol makes them feel (either in the moment or the hangover the next day) so they don’t drink. has no problem if you do and will always be your DD and go out with you, which is actually super nice because they always take care of you if you have too much 🥺

they hyperfixate on a new hobby every couple of months. this month it’s golf, so they brought a brand new set of clubs, rangefinder, golf watch, membership to the local golf club 💀 is already dragging the others on a golf trip with them later in the summer. but this same time next year, they’ll be into something completely different like photography or something 😭

you’ll literally have a separate room in the house for all of the stuff they bought during their hyperfixations that they won’t let you sell/throw out in case they wanna get back into it

asks game questions

#tiff.ask #moot.hangesbrattyapprentice #asks game #levi.hc #hange.hc

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

I vibe with hyperfixating w/ characters. To varying degrees I’ve fixated on: Armin from AOT for a while, 1D had a DEATH GRIP on me for a few years, (SEVEAL book characters through my teen years)I had an Alucard from castlevania fixation for maybe 3 ish years (‘ending’ only recently) and now Hobes lives in my head rent free ngl.

I get the “being sad cuz you can’t meet them” part, I’ve felt it. I try to not daydream TOO much cuz otherwise it takes over my life and I’m doing a considerable effort to live OUT of my own head, but BOI do I LOVE just daydreaming about my blorbos of choice.

I don’t speak too much about it (mostly the daydreaming) cuz to an extent it feels like a “me thing” (like something I don’t wanna share with anyone cuz it’s special to me), but if given the chance I DO info dump on my fixations.

I don’t think it’s cringe, not at all. These things are stuff that helps us process the world and our experiences with it. I believe everyone has sensitive weird shit that they don’t talk about, but if there’s something Ive learned is that we hardly ever have completely unique experiences. Most people just hide their oddness. Fandom being a prime example of how much our blorbos can mean to us. I think it’s okay and normal. (Until it goes overboard and people send idk violent messages to others because they headcanon something differently idk, the unreasonable stuff imo)

Can’t believe our of everything people would dare to make JOY and INTEREST the things with negative connotations. Being mean should be cringe, being a bully should be embarrassing. But unashamedly enjoying stuff?? That’s wonderful.

Anyone too embarrassed of their own vulnerability that they deal with it by making others feel bad about their interests are the most immature out if all of us.

Joy is everything that’s good with the world.

Even just seeing the letter 1D makes me wanna scream (in a good way!!) cause it takes me back to high school lol 1D was a bit older than me so my grade had Mindless Behaviour (does anyone remember them, where they even popular) but I remember the days where 1D was like the definition of summer songs

And I can totally understand the 'me thing'. Like I never really spoke about it but I felt like I knew my daydreams were more substantial or vivid than the 'average person' so to say.

Or when I spoke about characters to other people, I understood that neurotypicals likes characters, but they often didn't see them as fully formed 'persons' in the way I do - as to say, they didn't speculate or see emotional backstory, connections, or their behavior the way I did.

I never really shared any of my daydreams because like - I can't even get into it that's like asking someone to explain Star Wars to someone who doesn't even know space travel exists.

I grew up in a time on the internet where self-inserts and OC were seen as cringe, and someone would be very quick to call out 'Mary-Sue's (or flawless OCs) whenever they could.

It's not like that now - but in juxtaposition to canon x canon shipping, that bias is still there I feel like. Like it, as a work of fandom art has less 'value' that art or fics of canon only characters

It kinda bums me out still.

I think OC and daydreams and self-indulgent inserts are all the best part of fandom because it's the purest way of fans connecting with content on a personal level.

I'm happy that I see more people pushing back on that lately. Like after years of seeing people viciously hate furries when most of them seem like very nice, fun people, it's refreshing for people to be like 'nah, actually this thing is cool. and im gonna spend of time and/or money on this thing cause i makes me happy;

like you remember when the new Star Wars movie trailers came out and that dude reacted to it and he was moved to tears and people made fun of him??

yeah fuck everyone else that dude knows whats up.

Like yes, openly cry to your faves. Fantasize deep meaningful daydreams that help you process your feelings. Draw your OC with them, or learn every single thing their is to know about them.

That's why I wanted to talk about this. Because I've never heard it spoken about before. Maladaptive daydreaming, yes - and that can be harmful. But I hardly ever hear people talk about the basic mundane experience of it - or even how it can enrich our lives and help us emotionally develop of neurodivergent people.

When I think of it that way, it's something that makes me happy. I don't think I'll ever be able to describe it fully, and that's the point. Our stories are private to us, not because theyre embarrassing, but because they're so us that to even describe it would like describing a new world top to bottom

I love it. It's what makes humans humans.

#Thank you for this!!! Reading this is like living on planet Earth for once like yess!!! You get it!! #neurodivergency #neurodivergent #actuallyautistic #actuallyaudhd #actuallyadhd #adhd #autism #audhd #character fixations #hyperfixations #cringe culture

[crimeronan]

i am. SO excited for the murdertrauma parts of the princess luz au. BRAINWORMS. I GOT EM. also thanks i found you via owl house stuff and ur blog made me revisit the raven cycle (i fell off just b4 the raven king) and! read the dreamer tril like! oh my god! thanks for the hyperfixation upon hyperfixation!!!!

also i am maybe feeling Some Things about luz calling belos, her Father (her dad!), Belos The Emperor like. even if this rancid man brought this girl up in as much love as he could muster it was STILL was j u s t before people mightve used 'dad' as a familial term and idk. IDK. 'her Father' and 'her Dad' and 'the Emperor' just all! Hit. they hit. camila makes me cry too, for the record. like does luz have ANY memories of the humam realm!! i Weep. thanks!!

OH I'M THRILLED THAT YOU ENJOYED THE DREAMER TRILOGY SO MUCH, TRULY IT'S THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING FOR FUCKED UP CHARACTERS AND HORRIBLE MURDERTRAUMA. MEDIA THAT CHANGED MY BRAIN CHEMISTRY. thank u for sharing!

and i am similarly thrilled about your luz feelings i am crazy and grateful to everyone who's out here being crazy with me.

i had to think pretty hard about how she'd view and refer to belos & the level of formality (or lack thereof, in some aspects) that their relationship has -- it's especially weird because luz has sort of.... segmented her mental image of this AU's belos??? into like two people. one is her dad and would be important to her and kind to her even if he wasn't an all-powerful tyrant. the other is the all-powerful tyrant, who needs to be handled much more carefully. (and she hasn't even dealt with the shit that hunter has!)

it's all. complicated. and mostly bad. girls who had the weirdest possible upbringing and don't even know how weird it was or how to use language to express it.....

thinking about camila in this AU MAKES ME SO SAD. thinking about luz losing her spanish and her cultural heritage ALSO MAKES ME SO SAD. IT MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE. i really don't know concretely how much luz remembers of the human world -- i think she probably remembers camila and manny as human parents who loved her, but kind of.... in the way that you remember childhood dreams, if that makes sense?? she remembers how they Felt. but she wouldn't be able to recognize them on the street anymore :(

#replies #toh #princess luz au #cdth #fun fact: i am constantly saying 'lmao belos is just my dad' but only earlier today realized #JUST HOW MUCH this fic is. uh. me and my dad. in various sideways ways. (he is not a murderous fantasy emperor.)

[angkis]

I hope you don't mind, but do you have advices for other artists? I try to draw too, but my drawings never come out looking like the reference, like I'm unable to draw something alike Derek or Stiles, that's frustrating hahahaha

The colouring, the anatomy 😩 you are so fucking amazing!

Thanks for sharing your art pieces with us ❤️

First of all, I'm honored that you ask ME this question, because I'm not very confident (working on it 💫) and it's like a huge compliment that you would even ask.

Llike every other artist, you and me are both gonna be the biggest critics of our own drawings!! I just want you to know that before I say anything else! If you ever feel like you're not getting any better or not fast enough, take a step back and take a look at the bigger picture, go back, look at where you started, it's only a question of time, you're constantly evolving!! <3 Be patient with yourself ~

I'm sure you were thinking of actual advice not the mental part, so I thought of some, but for real, most of what formed my art style (that is constantly changing and is gonna continue to change until I die 👁️👁️) was TIME. I don't always love to draw but when I have these periods of drawing a lot it's always because I'm hyperfixating on something, so finding something you can fall in love with and obsess over is gonna make time absolutely FLY BY.

Don't get discouraged when you're not nailing a character the first time you draw them. I personally only get it somewhat right at like the fifth try (funny enough I'm an impatient person but when I love something I seem to be able to be patient 💀💫) if anything Do it out of spite!!!!!!

Practice is a funny word, I don't like it because it seems like you have to know what you're trying to achieve if that makes sense. Maybe that can hold you back too. Drawing something and failing still counts as practicing. Finishing the best painting of your lifetime counts as practicing. Every time you draw you get better.

Ooooooh an interesting one that I only figured out this year: SPEND (if you can) MORE TIME OUTSIDE AND AROUND PEOPLE because your eyes notice lightings, movements, expressions, COLOURS that you then unconsciously (subconsciously?) keep in your head for later!! And when you are drawing you're gonna UNCONSCIOUSLY use that information??? It's wild (says the person who spent years barely leaving their bedroom) I'm not even exaggerating, my art got out of the blue so much 'better' (different) when I started leaving the house more often. (You might not have this issue tho!! 💫)

Also I started drawing when I was watching a lot of animated movies/shows and it influenced my art so much. When I got hooked on shows with live actors everything changed (again, your brain is putting away so many details for later) I started seeing anatomy more realistically.

One last tip before I stop rambling (and make another coffee 💫) Find a pen that WORKS FOR YOU. My stuff would look so much different if I was using different brushes than I use now. Try as much as you want! Do you prefer traditional or digital drawing? Both have cheaper alternatives (I understand this hobby is not a cheap one in general) I have a bunch of tips for Clip Studio Paint for example! Idk, let me know, I would love to show you my favourite settings that actually make my life easier!! ❤️

Sorry if I'm all over the place, I'm not too good with words 👁️👁️ I hope it's not gonna be like 'I really read all that for nothing' for you sgsggshshsgsh in which case I'M SO SORRY SFSGGGSGSGSG and again, thanks for your question!! I wish you luck!! Keep drawing!! You're gonna surprise yourself how far you can go I'm so serious!!!! ❤️❤️❤️

[rodolfoparras]

Palladium anon here again :3 tho if it's not taken could I be the 🌱 anon?

and yes absolutely horn play is hot, especially when the character is really sensitive with them. Teasing them and/or using them as handle bars when fucking them??? Extremely hot. I've seen some ppl want to like fuck the horn and in theory I understand but most horns are pointy😭 you're gonna scratch up your holes bestie be careful

Also sharing my winx, trix , specialist and some others sexuality headcanons because I have been hyperfixated on this forever and I'm so happy to find other queer ppl to talk to about it!!

Helia and Flora are definitely bi or pan, you can not convince me otherwise. I'd say they're poly curious maybe?? Despite the show having every single couple go through a jealousy arc🙄 I think Flora and Helia would definitely be open to dating someone else if they both liked them

Riven, Bloom and Stella are all bi with a male preference

Layla and Naboo are a bisexual power couple and I will die on this hill

Musa and Timmy are bi with a fem preference.

Brandom is straight, mandatory for every queer friend group is the one cishet guy that's just there.

Sky is questioning, having gay thoughts from living in the dorms with other men and seeing them shirtless

Now I'll probably get hate for it but I think Tecna as an aroace lesbian is neat. Like her and Timmy were cute ig but I like tecna better on her own outside a relationship. Also her struggling with feeling like a human and more robotic fits with the unfortunate stereotype aroace ppl get. Her arc reminds me of what my aroace brother went through

And as I mentioned before, Palladium is definitely a bisexual transmasc! Avalon and Valtor are gay

Icy is a mean lesbian Darcy is bi with male preference. Stormy isn't sure what exactly she is but definitely not straight.

You can def be 🌱 anon sugar!!

And yes I def agree that the most appropriate ways when it comes to hornplay(word?) is to use them as handle bars, fidgeting with them to rile up your partner or even licking and sucking also one thing idk if this is possible but like if they could make the horns vibrate by humming and have the sound travel through their body and up to their horns?🧎🏻‍♂️

I def agree that helia and flora are bi or pan! Especially helia I’m not trying to say that gay ppl have a look bc fuck stereotypes but…look at this man I wouldn’t even be surprised if helia went by he/ they

Also I can def see riven as bi. One thing I rmr disliking is how toxic his and musas relationships became I’m sorry but it was so silly to me even at that age 💀 like every other episode there was jealousy drama

Also I forgot about Naboo man he was so pretty!!! And I can def see both of them being bi!

SUGAR IM FUCKING SCREAMING BC TWLL WHY I KNEW WHO BRANDON WAS BEFORE EVEB SEARCHING IT UP MOST ANNOYIMG ASS STRAIGHT MAN

Also yes!! I 100% agre that sky is bi curios big buff dude crushes on another big buff dude

Also I really like your take on tecna! Tbh I rmr even as. Kid i could understand she did not want to be in a relationship 💀

Avalon and valtor are definitely old gays 🧎🏻‍♂️🧎🏻‍♂️

Also I like your take on the sisters! I don’t have much else to say bc lord knows they annoyed me in the show 😭

#alec answers #🌱 anon

[death-in-a-handbasket]

I joined this account today because I’m sick with no content related to my fucking hyperfixation on my beloved Yukito, so hello! ( And maybe sorry for my bad english ). Thank you for being there for Gaiden fans. I would love to share my headcannons here...

For starters, I would like to say that AYATSUJI IS GOTHIC AND ANARCHIST, because honestly, isn’t growing up being exploited by the government since childhood that your pain will be misinterpreted as just an “arrogant personality.”

And I also love to see him as someone who values ​​art. In addition to having dolls in his basement, there are also paintings that strangely seem to scream through his wounds, a reflection of what is familiarly brutal about this delicate-looking man.

The type of music he listens to ( he rarely listens to music due to sensory overload issues ) has no lyrics OR he oscillates between 3 songs from the album Lullabies to Paralyze by QOTSA ( ‘In My Head’, ‘The Blood Is Love’ and ‘You Got A Killer Scene There, Man...’ ).

His favorite type of literature is Dark Romanticism. I swear, it is no wonder that he collects semi-mythical dolls ( in a sense of to admire and preservation ), when this type of literature reflects the grotesqueness of these creatures and the austurity of human malice.

ANYWAY, I LOVE MY PRECIOUS HUBBY ꒰ ۶ৎ つ ς ꒱

AHHH hello dearie !! welcome to yukito nerd central aka we hyperfixated on a character that the fandom does not know or give a fuck about 😔‼️ but hey we’re getting an English translation of the light novel so I’m SUPER excited (also no worries about bad english you sound just fine honey :] !!)

I need more fanfics and fanart of this man. gaiden community (referring to the same four people) save me gaiden community save me 🙏

first of all I LOVE the idea that this man is anarchist, like I feel he understands why the government is there and why it needs to do what it does but that doesn’t stop him having an abject dislike for the very organization that basically keeps him on death row and only has him alive because he’s useful, idk man you’re right that’s gotta brew contempt fr, also I like thinking about how he’s gotta specifically hate the police force too because he could practically do the work of an entire unit of officers, I don’t doubt that the police who know about him probably slack off because they know he’ll take up the slack 💀 I mean he has to or he’ll die

ALSO ART LIKER YUKITO. TRUTH. there’s no way a man with such adoration for dolls doesn’t appreciate and pay the artists who make them extremely well, I bet sculptors in his area love him because he’s an excellent patron, also he no doubt vents through the dolls and artwork he makes, all that internal anger and suffering has GOT to go somewhere

as for music, I always imagined he’d like stuff made between the 1910s and 1960s, Otis Redding is always a man that comes to mind when I think of music for him, also you have to know he’s listening to that shit on records, bro does not have Spotify ‼️

ALSO YES DARK ROMANTICISM 🙏 if him and Poe start a book club it’s over for everyone, they are reading about horror and the grotesque every day of the week and discussing it in depth 100%, these are antisocial men of course they’re reading about the terribleness of humanity <3

thank you for visiting my inbox hun !! feel free to send asks anytime, he is truly the husband of all time 🫶

here is ms paint yukito I made during lecture as a treat :]

#discount confessional #bsd #bsd gaiden #Yukito ayatsuji #bsd ayatsuji #Fox’s figments

[holyvirgilscriptures]

Heya i really hope this isn't an annoying ask if so feel free to ignore it. I just like to discuss these things but i get scared ppl will attack me so yeah. Anyway, i know you said you are tired of this topic so i'm sorry if this annoys you. I don't find any harm in speculating things unless (like you said in a prev post) the person being discussed expresses that they are uncomfortable with it. As long as you're not harassing the person or labeling them yourself/spreading false info if they haven't 100% confirmed it, you're not doing anything "wrong" IMO. Ppl always try to make everything bad in some way. And I can agree with certain points to an extent because no it's not our business, but being curious is a normal thing. Especially when (like in this case) it's something very random and suspicious that the person shares publicly. It just annoys me how ppl will do one thing and then turn around and attack others for doing the same thing and then lie because they want to seem more "mature" or whatever u even want to call it. Finn is also a public figure and yes he deserves respect and privacy just like anyone else but a hard truth is that because he is a public figure ppl will talk. Ppl are nosy and the ppl with parasocial relationships who feel entitled to certain information is what leads to situations like kit connor, not very often it it the normal fans who are just curious bc they usually just get ignored (since they aren't obsessing over it and filling their comments with the question) if the person doesn't want to talk about it. That's why i say it's important to not dwell on these topics or fill their socials with the question. Ppl will let you know when they are ready to.

I'm not trying to compare finn and noah, I'm just trying to use this as an example (noah is someone close to him so he comes to mind first) but before noah came out publically he tried to drop "hints". Two I can think of are: Him dancing to birthday by Katy Perry, specifically the lyrics "Boy when you're with me, I'll give you a taste" and Welcome to NY by Taylor Swift, specifically the lyrics "And you can want who you want boys and boys and girls and girls" which caused discussion that he may be bi before he came out as gay officially. Another celeb that has done subtle things to come out is josh kiska of greta van fleet who created the rainbow flag on his insta with the lighting of his photos before deciding to actually say it and go wide with the news.

I'm NOT saying Finn was coming out cuz idk and you never truly know until they say so (if they choose to) because there can be coincidences or misunderstandings. Plus some ppl just don't like labels which is okay too! Like how kit conner would have remained unlabeled had the internet not harassed (key words: harassed) him into choosing a label because they tried to claim he was "queerbating" otherwise.

Sorry this is so long and i apologize again if this was annoying to receive.

hi! yes, finn is a public figure, so naturally, what he does will be discussed by fans. i am also aware that many celebrities (or people in general) do actually hint at potentially queer things before coming out (though i was not aware of the noah example). finn also has many queer fans. which is why i've said that i understand why people are balking over this.

like i've stated in previous posts, there's a difference between thinking someone could be queer, and then invading into their lives and obsessing over it. on finn's end, many people (though they refuse to admit it) have thought he was possibly queer for a loooooong time. there are several reasons for this but i'm too lazy to analyze each one. and the hyperfixation on him being maybe bisexual does bleed into why the fandom reacted the way it did, or why they might have been so excited — or even, let's face it, why many fans want bisexual mike. (not saying all bi mike truthers are like this obviously).

my issue is more so on the hypocrisy the fandom is showing. they try to preface it with "speculating people's sexualities is bad!!!!" before, you know..... speculating his sexuality. it's annoying because they try to scramble for some moral high ground that doesn't exist, and it makes them look foolish. people should at least admit to themselves that they are indeed trying to figure out what his orientation is — because if they weren't, then the byler tag wouldn't have been fucking filled up with people freaking out that finn was secretly coming out. it's a burden off your shoulders if you stop trying to act morally superior. they only say those things because they fear being "canceled", so they lampshade ahead and try to insist that no, we're NOT trying to find out if finn is bi... but they are, and they should just own it lol.

at the end of the day we don't know finn, or what his sexuality is. we don't even know why he posted that snl skit in the first place. not knowing will always lead to people wondering, filling up the gaps. if people want to do that, they should at least be self-aware of what they are doing and not try to pretend they're "better than that".

#virgil.ask #anonymous

[khodorkovskaya]

thanks for sharing!

honestly this is so relatable. so for me growing up i was always taught (not explicitly but it was just the general vibe) that religious people are weird and stupid. like no one would ever openly say that, but it was often implied through jokes or like when someone would say that they were religious my family would give the side eye lol. and plus, yeah, its a government backed institution yikes.

and yet! i was baptised, we'd bake cakes for easter, when people would ask me what my religion was growing up id say orthodox, etc. like there was always this weird contradiction.

what you said about after school activities i also have a funny little story to share. so when i was 6-7 yrs old my parents signed me up for this like art club after school. and once this old lady showed up and started an embroidery club in the same classroom. and so when i got bored of drawing, i decided to go over to her and do embroidery. and i really liked it, so instead of sitting with the art club, id go to the emroidery lady.

and she was super religious and would always tell us stories about god. and i found it super annoying and in my head i was like "oof granny is loosing her mind". i specifically remember her telling us about the tower of babel and i sat there like "damn, she is so delusional". but i liked embroidery, so i stayed and didn't say anything.

and turned out, she was there illegally! she was this like orthodox missionary who snuck onto school properties to convert the kids. it was a huge scandal. so yeah, that incident made me even more prejudiced towards religious people. that and also the fact that my favourite book growing up was дорога уходит в даль, which is basically communist propaganda lol.

so yeah, it's strange. because whenever id go inside an orthodox church everything would feel so familiar and yet so foreign. i never felt like i belonged there and plus, as you said, no one ever explains to you like what to do or welcomes you in any way. like i don't want to sound entitled and im not saying that im owed anything, and maybe, hey, it's my own prejudice. but the only thing people tell you there is "we won't let you in dressed like that". and growing up it made me even more hostile. like i remember we went to visit a monastry in montenegro once and it was like 35 degrees outside and i was 12 and i was wearing shorts obviously. and like 3 people came up to me to tell me that im not allowed in. and i never got an explanation as to why. i mean yeah, modesty, whatever. but instead of being so judgemental towards a child, an explanation would be nice..? idk, that really put me off religion.

but then, here's the thing. when i was 14 i was being neurodivergent as usual and i got hyperfixated on religion. idk where that came from. but i told myself that i would research a new religion every week. so id borrow a bunch of books at the library evry week and i kept a journal detailing all my findings. i went to the lutheran church, i even found a hindu centre here and scheduled an appointment and borrowed one of their scriptures. like idk what was going on in my 14 year old brain but i was fearless and i would like show up to all these religious centres with my little notebook. and id even interview people... likeee.

anyway, one week i was researching orthodoxy. so again, i showed up to the orthodox church here, absolutely fearless, no headscarf, wearing my desigual jeans. and i went straight to the choir and asked if i could sing with them. i have no classical training in music btw, i know how to sing but like as a hobby, i know little to no theory. and, again, i don't know where this audacity came from, but i went straight up to the choir director and was like "im singing with y'all bitches". so i started going every sunday to sing, but id never stay until the end bc id get bored. and then i stopped all together after like maybe a year.

and again, i have no logical explanation as to why. i was just hyperfixated and decided that the church choir was my new thing. and i didn't make any friends there bc i was still prejudiced against religious people. i wouldn't pray, i didn't respect the dresscode. id just show up, not say hello to anyone, sing for like 30 minutes and leave. 💀💀 at that age i constantly felt like i was in some sort of bubble, like id always be half dissociating, id do things not understanding how or why, things would just happen, it was weird.

fast forward to this year, i went to church for easter with one of my friends just like to hang out. and i heard the choir for the first time in almost 10 years and fell in love again. i couldn't remember any of the hymns (probably because when i was 14 i was just so dissociated). but i was like i have to join again!

except now im more aware of my own surroundings and im more normal. so i didn't really know how to approach things. but i was like you know what, if 14 year old me could just show up and not explain anything to anyone, so can 24 year old me.

so the week after easter i came up to the choir director and asked if i could sing and she asked me if i was classically trained and i was like "oops no, but i sang with you guys 10 years ago". and then she asked me why i had stopped and i was a bit at a loss for words bc like idk why i stopped. and then i asked her what brought her here and she gestured at the ceiling. and that was our conversation.

and the thing is, now that im more aware and awake, singing there is even more fun. because i haven't read sheet music in 10 years. i didn't know i was capable of reading music. but i am! and it's this weird almost like spiritual feeling. because i look at the notes and even if ive never seen that particular hymn before, i know exactly what to sing. and my hand moves up and down and i nod to the rhythm. i don't know how, i don't know why i know all of these things, but i do. and it amazes me every time. like i look at something ive never seen before, but i can read it. idk how to explain this feeling. like imagine all of a sudden being able to read a foreign alphabet and you don't even know how you read it, you just do. it feels magical.

but yeah, i totally get what you say about churchgoers being mean. i always feel like an outsider or imposter in literally any social setting, so feeling like an alien at church isn't something that scares me. and i haven't talked to anyone there or made any friends. but just from the looks of it and the way people push and shove each other there like i can tell that i probably won't get along with any of them unfortunately. and there's always people shoving when queuing up for eucharist and there's always passive aggressiveness and everyone is always on edge. even in the choir like i rarely get the music sheets handed to me for some reason. like when they're distributed they often skip me and i don't understand why. it makes me feel like more of an impostor but tbh nowadays im so chill when it comes to self esteem i literally do not care. it's just annoying bc unless i literally grab the sheet out of the person's hand, i always have to look at someone else's. but yeah, little things like that give me the impression that the majority of people who go there are kind of mean.

and what you said about people all knowing each other is very true too. because literally everyone is always in their little groups. and if you're not childhood friends with someone, you can't make friends. again im neurodivergent so i just like struggle with making friends in general. but making friends at our church seems impossible. people are always huddling together and whispering and i just know i won't fit in. because at some point in their little conversations they always point at the ceiling and i just don't know enough about god or the church to be able to fit in with these sort of conversations, you know?

but anyway, as i said, i love going to church nevertheless. singing there makes me euphoric. i love the aesthetics, i love the drama. i love the over-the-top-ness of like people falling to their knees and crying and the priest talking about the devil. it's so cinematic, im obsessed. and if i don't "belong" there or if i don't have the right relationship with the church, so be it. i think it's better to look forward to church every week and to truly enjoy it, than to be mean and go there to ask for forgiveness 👀

@atomicanechka

#also fyi our church belongs to the diocese of london and western europe so our big boss at the top is bishop irinei #and his vibes are just off idk #have you seen his youtube interviews? #when he came to visit he came up to our choir to say that we're really good and he had his arms stretched out #and i was like huh why does he walk like that #but it was bc as soon as he came closer people ran up to him to kiss his hands #and that weirded me out #im scared to imagine what patriarch kirill is like irl 💀

[blue-jayyy8657]

(somewhat) LONG ASS POST!! redoing my about me post so i can pin it and look interesting:

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

heya:) i’m jay, and this is my blog,, where i do really just whatever the fuck i want and say whatever strikes me as interesting or funny at the time. welcome!! really all im gonna do here is kinda say a lot of random things, go on hyperfixation rants, talk about my creature moments, and occasionally sprinkle in things about my life that i feel must be shared….. and basically all i really wanna do with this blog is just make my own little,,, Place in The World……. like somewhere i can just kind of Be Myself? i guess? so here i guess this is my attempt at that lmaoo

ummm things i should prrrrobably say about myself to either make me more interesting or just kind of warn about:

- i have adhd and all the fun side effects that come with it :P

- maybe asd but im not entirely sure yet? i’m doing my research i promise promise promise

- pronouns: it/he/neos (+they, but preferably the ones i already mentioned)

- sometimes i use Random Capitalization to Emphasize my Point and that’s Funny To Me

- if you wanna talk to me or ask me something or whatever, just,,,, ask!! normally i’m really shitty at responding to asks and stuff but i promise i’m trying and not ignoring you, it’s just im really really bad at it and i think it’s just my executive dysfunction so….. sorry about that lmao but im tryingggg

- I LOVE EDITING STORIES AND THINGS - if you or someone you know is looking for a beta author or really anyone to just read your shit, i would absolutely fucking love to i promise

- i am transmasc genderqueer !! really doesn’t need much of an explanation ig?? that’s just part of who i am and i feel like it should be made aware of lmao

- if you send me an ask, i promise promise promise i’ll try to respond but i’m really not good at it so if i don’t respond to it i’m really sorry but i either can’t find a way to respond or i Forgor and i apologize ;;

- if you don’t like me or something i say or embody, just don’t interact with me? i don’t feel like i should need to say this but just in case,, like just don’t be rude? i will just block you so there’s really not a point but like… just don’t be an ass i guess

- more bullets as ideas warrant i suppose? i’m definitely gonna have more ideas it’s just i’m kinda sick rn so everything’s a bit fuzzy lmfao

my current list of special interests i will most likely post about/reblog posts about:

supernatural, marble hornets, neurodivergency/disabilities, horror, aesthetics (mainly dirtcore, crowcore, goblincore, grungecore, etc), five nights at freddys - movie AND the games!!, detroit: become human, LIST WILL PROBABLY BE UPDATED AND CHANGED AS MY INTERESTS EBB AND FLOW LIKE THE TIDES

MY DNIS:

if you’re just gonna be mean, don’t even bother like just don’t. i’m not gonna do shit with you, i’m probably just gonna block you and i don’t wanna like start shit. also homophobia, transphobia, racism, ableism, pedophilia, all the good shit - please also just….. don’t. um, i might add more but really i don’t honestly have any specifics, just if you’re gonna be an asshole just like stop lmao idk what to tell you i just Don’t Like You so go away?? thank yewwwww <3

but anyways, i think that’s it? at least until i decide to add more cause i don’t like the way i wrote things ……. i know this will happen because idk man it always does lmao :P hopefully i seem interesting or at least somewhat confusing?? maybe???? yeah but anyways imma shut up now so HAVE A GOOD WHATEVER-TIME-IT-IS !!!1!!!!11!!!

#about me i guess #jays incomprehensible shit #i’m really just saying things out here man #if someone’s actually reading this shit hi??? why are you doing this #i don’t even know what the fuck i’m saying anymore #whatever fuck tags im done