#and it makes me feel like a fraud.

[boyghcst]

​idk not being able to trust ur own memories thoughts and feelings and constantly second guessing everything u think and do is no way to live

#idk but i feel like im always gaslighting myself n idek whts real or true or right. thoughts w past bad experiences #like I’ve just completely forgotten them. n idk ive had dissociative amnesia growing up w trauma #n it kinda feels like it’s the same thing where i just can’t remember like for so long it was the only thing keeping me up at night #and it makes me feel like a fraud. #I do doubt myself alot. like i always rhink in the bad person and in the wrong from bad experiences I’ve had w ppl #but like what if im not acc wrong n tht they were just harmful n i was struggling w it idk. #i hate thinking of myself as a victim and think im far more likely just a bad person #but everyone around me thinks the exact opposite even therapist so idk it’s like my own perception is so different to others #journal

[altraviolet]

the more I write, the less I understand how writing works. I'm writing a brief outline/little bits of scenes for Ch 44 and one character says something and I'm like "wait... didn't I have the character say something about this previously" and I search back in the Entire Story Document, and yes, there's a throwaway line in Ch 17 about this exact character and this exact thing. and holy hell this Ch 44 scene is going to link back to Ch 17 in this tiny tiny character-building way and it's going to look like I planned it, if anyone even notices, and no one is going to know that I pulled it out of my hippocampus years later BUT I KNOW.

HOW DO BRAINS DO THAT

#writing #NB: not sure if hippocampus is responsible #but let's pretend it is #this kind of thing makes me feel simultaneously like a queen and a fraud xD

[classicslesbianopinions]

i'll be honest i wasn't going to be too bothered if lloyd won the poll because like a lot of people on both sides are just kind of having fun and that's like. the point. but i am really annoyed at the accusations of botting just because it feels like... oh we can make an effort and campaign but the second we're actually successful it HAS to be bots? it's the last day, i was always going to make a big push for the last day of the poll, and i'm not surprised other greek tragedy enjoyers reblogged it from us. it feels like the absolute worst faith reading to be honest

#mod felix #tragedy poll #i don't know. i get that people do that kind of thing but. hm #also i feel like. as the person who's arguably been the loudest about the poll. #i feel like accusations of botting/voter fraud come down on me? and it's like. first of all some people have been nasty but i have not been #and i don't want to be and i've been telling other people not to be. and i'm definitely not paying for anything. #but also like... i don't know. it makes me sad that that's people's first instinct rather than just... #people are campaigning for the person they want to win #also like. yeah a lot of people like antigone. it's a good play. you should read it. watch it even. do you need a link i'll dm you.

[blee-bleep]

so what if i go insane and draw diakko as these panels

#so like we know how akko probably has low self-esteem post chariot reveal right #like she went all this way only to find out everything she knew was a fraud #but still powers thru lona and sorta has semi-self deprecating thoughts like kana has occasionally #diana doesnt comfort her and they get into a fight and it turns into this #*twirls hair* so like i just wanna make them suffer~ #diana is so hellbent on repressing her feelings that inadvertently plummets akko's own self esteem #but akko's own source of comfort of self is that diana considers her a friend and rival but then diana avoids her and starts dating andrew #and akko's own sense of self gets WORSE and she doesnt find much to comfort #knowing it was all for naught because what she thought she had in her was just stolen long ago #like sure she saved magic and all but like it was surely traumatic for her #so wants something to confide in that no it wasnt a mistake #BUT THEN DIANA just doesnt interact with her anymore #and she tries her hardest to befriend her again after their rocky start and thought diana would be ok but then #uh oh diana catches feelings and stays away and akko's heart just breaks when diana does anything and everything to avoid her #akko after diana pushes her to the ground: do you... really hate me that much? #“youre right im still so stupid diana im sorry i wont talk to you again” #and diana just sits there in the rain like shinji on the chair LOL #diakko #aqukana #lwa #onk #little witch academia #oshi no ko #diana cavendish #akko kagari #hoshino aqua #arima kana #*eats this panels like peter eating burger meme* exquisite angst *gets food poisoning*

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

connection between "the poets are just kids who didn't make it" -> "I went to sleep a poet and I woke up a fraud" -> "I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead"

also a branch off there that ties Hand of God with TMOTM but that's actually a lyric comp I'm planning to make soon more than an actual note

#lftos essay #I'm just posting notes now. apparently. I'm trying to write out an outline rn skfnskngsk #EDIT the connection between hand of god and tmotm is the fraud/liar bit #hand of god is very eh whatever about it. hand to my heart gun to my head swear to God I'm through with this - I'm the worst liar I know #tmotm is CONCISE and DIRECT and SPECIFIC. I went to sleep a poet and I woke up a fraud #which. idk when tmotm was written exactly. patrick wanted it on the album proper instead of dark alley and champagne #but the song released in march 2006. I'm just saying that in a lot of ways hand of god feels like a draft almost #and MUCH of what it says both literally and thematically is transfered into tmotm #the contrast of the 2nd verse of hand of god vs the clarity and precision of ''went to sleep a poet and woke up a fraud'' ? #um.... hm. I won't conjecture #especially not on main. but....... I do have An Emotion about this ngl #ok that was just for my own notes ignore me. pencil in hand I'm just trying to make this work #moving on.

[albonoooo]

romain grosjean: cursed by the fire, dancing with death.

#hi hello here's whatever this is #i'm trying to figure out how to make a proper web weave but that shit is hard #or maybe i'm just technically inept #who knows #i was listening to this song on my 2.5h journey home (love public transport acting whacky) and it made me think of this #romain grosjean #tw fire #tw car crash #this makes me feel like a fraud but: #f1 web weaving #formula 1 #emy weaves <3

[astriiformes]

The final assignments I need to finish for my science fair mentorship class are a lot of "Reflect on these readings we did about education and connect them to your own experiences in school" type prompts, and unfortunately reflecting on your educational journey when you are a two-time college drop-out who probably failed a class this semester is not a great time.

#like i also got some papers back today that i did very well on but #i just don't feel like a smart person anymore. like my self-esteem is terrible and evidence to the contrary doesn't help much #i'm just feeling sad and depressed and kind of like a fraud for liking academia so much when in practice i am not a great student #and these assignments are making me feel particularly stupid :/

[ratguy-nico]

just saw that @theangrypomeranian and @br1ghtestlight give my old Zeke and Jimmy Jr drawing some more love again, thanks, it really make me giggles (theres has to be a least creepy way to say it) (do cis man giggle?) I'm rambling again.

Thankiu especially to @br1ghtestlight cause of course they inspire the piece itself, they just get so well how cheesy and dramtic this two are for each other.

Gods it makes me want to re-do the drawing, or mostly polish it. I just love this two dorks so much I wanna draw them eternally.

And beacuse this turn into a thanks for the suport letter (sorry) I also want to thank deeply to @goldendoodlerlockerlove and @babsvibes, this two are literally always liking even my silliest posts, guys you are truly the bests, I love you all.

@goldendoodlerlockerlove have supported even my rambling posts, thats love.

Wish to could give more back instead of just take. I swear I will strive to bring more and better drawings

(this started as a reblog, can you believe)

#im so happy when you like what i draw #i think i dont say it enough #i know im not the best at lineart #or colors #or composition #or...like anything related to drawing #but i try #and I really apreciate you liking it #it makes me feel less like a fraud #more like this drawing thing is something i can actually do #sorry i know im intense #i shut up know #someone seriously shouldnt let me use the computer right before going to sleep #my sleepy brain is too smushy #i get all sappy

[vonnegutcunt]

vonnegutcunt rare drawing commissions moment....hot off the presses :-)

further details in tags! (since tumblr is broken rn this post can be found under the tag "#cowboy kandi" on my blog)

#my half-assed hack fraud commissions sheet....... #i want it known upfront im not in any particular financial need atm. this is just an exercise in having fun drawing things #whatever i make ill be putting half the money away for a new tattoo but the other half I'll be sharing various places 👍 #if you want to share to someones gofundme or paypal or anything else like that and provide receipts ill also draw you a little something #based on the pricing scale #so yea :-) #cowboy kandi #prices rnt perfect but they're what i feel comfortable doing for now. will definitely change if things work out #i have venmo and cashapp buuuuut would be willing to download paypal if necessary. #typically I do lineart works solely in pen and ink and do color works digitally #but if you have a preference just let me know and #we can talk about it!

[brazilian-whalien52]

Idk the reason I hate dating is that I feel that I have to learn a whole knew book of social rules and clues, whole my dream is that I would magically find someone that I just don't have to worry about this things, but of course I know this is unrealistic

#it took me ages to learn how to make friends and keep them #and even then i feel like a fraud and failing

[mildmayfoxe]

hahaha hey you guys guess what. you'll never believe it. got the guy who's in charge of my fraud case on the phone and he was like "who'd you give one-time security codes to yesterday" and i was like "the guy who called me from the fraud department after they noticed a weird login in florida??" and he was like "that was the fuckin hacker. you got got. IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!" i handed my entire savings over to a fucking guy on the phone on a silver platter. like some kind of fuckin rube. bro

#IT IS OK THOUGH I HAVE BEEN SORTING IT OUT #account is LOCKED DOWN! card is DELETED! fraud paperwork has been FILED! i have requested a fraud alert AND credit freeze #from the NATIONAL CREDIT BUREAU! #a friend of mine is taking me to MAINE next saturday to go to the BANK! i sent an email to my landlord asking if i can pay rent by CHECK! #i went to my other bank and deposited my BONDS! so i have some MONEY! to pay RENT! #i also got a new debit card from them. and made sure i could use my old checks. #i also bought some STAMPS while i was out and a BIRTHDAY PRESENT for a FRIEND #now i am going to start switching over some auto deposits #so when i get my paycheck on tuesday i will actually get it. #i feel so STUPID but i think i have done all i can to fix this. i am feeling better about it #by next weekend i will have my money again. it's all fine #and hopefully next time i will not get got so easily. lol. #anyway dont get got by people pretending to be your bank i guess. i did think it was weird how many questions they asked but.. #they ALWAYS ask lots of questions at the bank!!!!! #i got a text message FROM the bank saying they would be calling me soon and then the next call was from the scammer #and then like a half hour later got one from the bank and was confused bc they'd just 'called me' #anyway. it'll be fine. scary for a while but at least i have things i can do to make it better. it's all good #genuinely feeling like i ought to take out like a thousand bucks cash and keep it in my desk to replace my bonds tho tbh hahah #just in case something like this happens again. you never know. what would i have done if i DIDNT have those yknow #ok thank u all for being along on this journey with me

[benetnvsch]

WAIT WAIT- playing through the current Mayoi event for the first time and ?? Kunikida makes perfectly edible food from his notebook which the others enjoy ,, which ,, idk I just figured organic things were off the table which once again makes me wonder,,

Can Kunikida create life (what would happen if he wrote something like idk, worm,,, baby squirrel,, or something do we know)

#THE way I RAN to my computer to post this HELLO? #Kunikida's ability is so ??? to me #like #hypothetically he can make money and fuck up the economy #or like? drugs?? he could be a drug dealer ig since he can make safely consumable things #WHAT on earth #so like #could he make life??? #HHFKJHFKJF #sorry this is not important at all - #I just?? have always wondered specifically abt food /organic substances and life and now I have an answer for one of those #which is wild #so what would happen if someone ate something kunikida made and then Dazai touched ?? them?? Kunikida?? would it turn back to paper ? #in their body??? #wait actually this is making me realize idk how Dazai's ability works in terms of kunikida #im actually the worst at knowing Stuff ik when he touches things kunikida makes it reverts but ?? if he touches kunikida are they still fin #kunikida would just.... not be able to make more stuff while Dazai is touching him?? idk I am an imposter and a fraud #apparently it feels somewhat off too so like?? it's not perfect and that's so funny to me- #do u think Dazai ever gets bitter he can't try Kunikida's understanding of food LMAO- #bsd #kunikida doppo #bungou stray dogs #came back to add fandom tags cuz I decided yes I do want ppl interacting with this actually I need answers

[lovecoreclownz-archive]

Late night musing before I pass out because I have feelings, but I hate what cring culture has done to music. Like, if I said I liked Twenty One Pilots to most people they would straight up bully me and say I'm a "normie". Every time I bring up liking TØP I feel the need to defend myself and my interests. I literally sat here in my head trying to justify my appreciation for the band and their music by being like "oh well I don't listen to their more popular mainstream stuff I really just listen to their deep cuts" like! Why am I having to convince MYSELF that it's ok to listen to music I like?? Especially with songs that were an integral part of my coping process man! I don't really know where I'm going with this, but fuck you cringe culture and music purists.

#idk man i just. further ranting in the tags ahead but like #top has been a major outlet for me for forever and every time i mention it i feel like the biggest fake alt in the world #it makes me feel so fucking bad cuz i LISTEN to shit thats heavy metal and indie and rock and goth and all kinds of punk shit but as soon as #i mention the name top i feel like a fraud and a phony and i feel like everyone is laughing at me! like damn have any of you actually #Maybe listened to their fucking music??? like not only is it good music. but it also touches on a lot of mental health topics too. #SEE LIKE IM EVEN DEFENDING MYSELF IN THE TAGS OF MY OWN DAMN POST! FUCK! #whatever man #clown’s honks

[bearsgrove]

what tf do trans men wear when it comes to shoes especially in the colder months 🙏

#river.txt #i am SO self-conscious about the shoes i wear im always like #what if this makes me look feminine what if this makes me look feminine what if this makes me look feminine what if this makes me l #i only have my trusty army boots but i havent gotten new shoes in ages #so im kinda thinking about investing into smthin new #but im looking at everything like #what if this is feminine what if i look like a fraud in this what the hell do men actually wear without feeling feminine #i know im beginning to sound like an insecure cishet man ''REAL men walk BAREFOOT even in WINTER'' #but like #😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔 #why is life so fucking hard

[fabaceous]

i have been very absent from here... my mother (emotionally estranged mother) (emotionally abusive mother) (addict mother) was in the slow process of dying which finally finished yesterday afternoon.

what keeps running through my head is a visitor by mary oliver. for so much of my life i clung onto my anger because that was how i kept the distance between us...that was how i kept myself safe from her. and yet, as she got sicker and sicker, i found myself feeling safer and safer...and by the time she was dying, it was the safest i'd ever felt with her. i knew she couldn't hurt me anymore and i found that i didn't need the anger anymore, so i let it go: "i knew i was saved, and could bear her."

and what i was left with was the profound grief...realizing that i lost my mother when she got hooked on pills/alcohol 15+ years ago. there was a different mom -- a good mom -- a mom i loved -- but i never got her back, even after she got sober again. instead i lived with someone volatile and confusing, who hurt me deeply and made me feel violated and unsafe.

and yet... i looked through a notebook of hers and saw her relapse this summer and saw her circle the pills she was taking every day and write, "is this a problem?" and i saw her slowly lose her grip on reality and become paranoid and angry and i saw her write "my daughter visited. she is awful." and i didn't even have it in me to be mad. it just made me so, so sad.

i've been looking for peace all my life, and all my life i've been trying to get free from her. in a sick sort of way, she has given me a gift by leaving now. because now i can close the book. this is the closest to closure i've ever gotten in my entire life and i know that for as long as she was alive, i would have been tormenting myself (and tormented by her) over this.

i saw a shooting star the night she died - i hope it was her telling me that she made it to where she was going, and i hope that wherever she is now, she finds more peace there than she did here.

#sorry if this makes no sense...i am having all sorts of wacky emotions #sometimes i feel fine...sometimes i feel devastated...sometimes i feel like a total fraud #it's strange and sad. what can you do<3 #i miss all my tumblrinas...i just have not had it in me to tumbl lately #lanieposting

[storm-of-feathers]

a

#very small yell bc yall are making me cry in good ways now thank you for rhe kind replies i will not fake my death #except if i need to commit insurance fraud #jokes aside bc idk how to Not use humor to cope im like #my vent posts are me screaming into the void most of the time this blog is an open diary #and. yk. yk. yk. #its nice that the void heard me screaming and hugged me #its #its a nice feeling #to remember that i dont actually exist in a void or a vacuum #and other people... wqnt me. they want me aroujd