#and then i saw a ton of blogs saying how dare there be any negativity at all

[pocketramblr]

Dash simulator

Blog 1: lol anyone else seeing a lot of strawberries in new recipes now? sometimes its fun but i really dont get the appeal of adding it to everything. why did you make strawberry garlic bread

Blog 2: u kno im not a fan of strawberries, i really like the rich sweet and sour notes from oranges, oranges and chocolate is such a good combo. i altered a recipe for a smoothie with oranges last week and it was soooo good ill give you my notes if you want Reblogged by: Blog 1: ahaha yesss i love chocolate and oranges

Blog 3: I canNOT believe the hate im seeing to strawberries right now, like, you know guys know the rule don't like don't bake right?? you know you can hit the back button right?? honestly what's wrong with yall

Open draft- wait guys you know there's a difference between leaving a comment on a recipe saying you hate strawberries and the recipe writer should never use them, and going to your own blog to say you don't really like strawberries, without naming any specific people or recipes right? you know there's a difference right?? - Save - Post - Discard

Draft discarded

Blog 4: why is everyone jumping on the strawberry hate train right now. what is wrong with you. Reblogged by: Blog 5: I knowwww like guys some people stop baking because of reading things like that, please stop it, if you don't like strawberries you can be quiet about it

Open draft- im so sorry if anyone's getting sent mean messages or comments about what they're writing and baking, but i'm literally not seeing any of that and if you are, please use the block button. but someone making a post on their own blog is not that, and if you can't see the irony in you being allowed to complain on personal blogs but not them i can't help you... - save- post- discard

Draft discarded

Blog 2: are strawberries even in season?

Blog 6: woo cherry pie!

#trying so hard to be a blog 6 rn #im discarding those drafts #but clearly it has been too much for me as this one is getting posted #like i really am sorry if any. strawberry antis are directly being rude to anyone #that isnt ok #but i have seen zero of that on my dash or in the tag #i saw a few blogs saying lol they don't like strawberries #and then i saw a ton of blogs saying how dare there be any negativity at all #and seeming to act as if those blog posts were specifically about disliked fic authors i mean recipe makers #which... if any of them were... i didn't see it because of how i blocked large swaths of the fandom like three years ago #when i realized that it was determined to blow up a discourse topic every single month #and if there are people doing that. please. do what i did. block en mass #if you open a recipe that turns out to have strawberries in it and you cant hit the back button but instead leave a nasty comment that is a #you problem #but also if you see a random blog post about someone saying they dislike strawberries- hate strawberries even- and you feel personally #attacked and start crying about how now you never want to bake a strawberry shortcake again and they're so mean #that is also. a you problem. #'what fandom is this pocket' dont worry about it #not one i have any mutuals in #which. considering the mass blocking and the annoying chronic discourse explosions. perhaps is not surprising

[fieryanmitsu]

A Shoulder to Lean On | A3! Rare Pairs Week 2020 – Day 3 (Tasuku/Izumi)

And my entry for Day 3 of the A3! Rare Pairs Week is… Tasuku/Izumi!! For anyone who’s read my series “Intertwined Roots”, you’ll know that I absolutely love the same age group that comprises of Izumi, Tsumugi, Tasuku and Itaru. Honestly, Izumi paired with any of these three guys are my top Izumi ships, and I’ve been meaning to write a Tasuku/Izumi fic since I’ve written the other two ships already! So, I’m very glad that this week has kicked my butt into finally getting one out!

A SHOULDER TO LEAN ON

PROMPTS: One’s strength / One’s fear

CHARACTERS: Tasuku Takato, Izumi Tachibana

PAIRINGS: Tasuku/Izumi

My fanfic masterpost: Here

AO3: Link in my Blog Menu

“Seriously! What were you thinking?!” Tasuku growled, carefully examining Izumi’s rapidly swelling foot.

She winced as he placed the ice pack against her ankle.

“S-Sorry, I thought I could handle it.”

“How could you possibly handle anything if the boxes were piled so high that you couldn’t even see past them?” he demanded.

“It-It’s not like they were heavy! And no one was supposed to be over there anyway, so it’s not like I would risk bumping into anyone,” Izumi protested sullenly.

They were currently sitting in the lobby of a theatre on Veludo Way. Another theatre company had asked for Izumi’s help as an extra stagehand during their rehearsals. She had been moving some boxes of spare props and supplies to the storage area backstage when she had tripped over some uneven flooring and fallen, spraining her ankle on the way down.

Tasuku, who was guest acting for the play, had happened to come across her sprawled on the floor when he had come out of the nearby washroom. After he had helped her to the lobby – with a princess carry, much to her embarrassment – he had fetched an ice pack and was currently fiddling with a roll of bandages.

“It doesn’t matter if you thought no one was going to run into you. There were so many other issues with what you were doing! Like the potential of tripping and falling – which is exactly what happened,” he chided gruffly. “And have you considered that there was also a problem with the fact that no one was supposed to be in that area? What if I hadn’t happened to be there? You know that no one usually uses that washroom – I just happened to be using it because the main one was full. What would you have done if no one came to help you? You would have made your ankle so much worse! I can’t believe someone your age can be so stupid! You need to learn what your limits are and stick with it!”

Izumi couldn’t help but flinch at Tasuku’s harsh tirade. He could give Sakyo a run for his money.

“I’m sorry…” she apologized again, having nothing else to say for herself. Though a part of her wanted to refute that she did know her limits, but that she just hadn’t calculated for the uneven floor, she also knew that he was correct that she could have been more careful and carried less boxes at a time. She was also fortunate that none of the props had been damaged when she fell.

“Here. That should do it for now. You should ice it more and elevate it when we get home. We’ll have to find you some extra pillows or cushions or something when we get back to the dorm,” he said as he finished wrapping her foot in a bandage.

“Thanks, Tasuku,” she replied. “I guess we should call someone to pick us up? Hopefully Sakyo or Itaru are home… I don’t have enough cash on me for a taxi.”

“It’s fine, I’ll take you home,” Tasuku responded, slinging his bag over his shoulder and shortening the strap so that it hung snug in front of his stomach.

“Huh? But, you walked here too, didn’t you?”

“Yeah. It’s only a 20-minute walk back to the dorm, so I can just carry you home,” he replied without batting an eye.

“You’re going to what?!” she exclaimed.

“We don’t have enough money for a taxi, right? I can just give you a piggyback. It’s such a short distance home, there’s no point in calling someone,” Tasuku responded. “Besides, it’ll be like resistance training.”

“You’re not serious.”

“Hurry up and get on,” he directed, turning his back to her and crouching down.

Izumi was dumbfounded by this turn of events. When was the last time someone had given her a piggyback ride? And to be given one now that she was a full-grown adult… A part of her still wanted to call someone, but what Tasuku had said made sense. They really were only a short walk home… Finally, shaking her head and not quite believing that she was going through with it, she slung her purse to sit behind her and put her arms over Tasuku’s shoulders.

Checking to see that she was securely clasped around his neck, he carefully stood up and wrapped his arms snugly under her thighs. Then, without another word, he walked them out of the theatre and into the night air.

For the next couple of minutes, they strode wordlessly down the sidewalk of Veludo Way. As they caught the looks of passersby, Izumi couldn’t help but feel bad for inconveniencing the man carrying her.

She hated this. Hated feeling this way – like she was a burden. Izumi didn’t know when it had all started anymore, but for as long as she could remember, she had always done her best to be helpful and useful. To prove her worth – as if she needed to remind the world that she existed.

This fear of being left behind and forgotten was one of the reasons that drove her to constantly take on jobs with other theatres. She wanted to ensure that she could learn as many skills as possible and gain as much experience as she could so that she could be of continued use to Mankai Company. She didn’t think she could lose that, too.

“Umm, sorry for being such a bother, Tasuku,” Izumi said quietly, her negative thoughts coming to a head. “It really was stupid of me to have been so careless…”

Tasuku didn’t respond right away. Then, she heard – and felt – him sigh.

“I’m not upset, okay? I was just worried. You… you have this bad habit of taking too much on your plate. You’ve been packing your schedule lately, too, and when I saw you on the floor… My heart stopped. If something serious happened to you, I don’t know how everyone would keep it together. We would probably fall apart.”

Izumi silently mulled over his words. It was rare for him to say so much and to be this honest with her. It made a warm feeling bloom inside the depths of her stomach, and she was glad that he couldn’t see her face, because she was fairly certain that she was blushing. Only just a little, though.

“Thanks, Tasuku… I… I just like to keep myself busy. I want to keep improving myself and do as much as I can for the Company. But, I guess I can get a bit overenthusiastic sometimes. Like with those boxes.”

“Well… it’s not always a bad thing. Just know that you aren’t in it alone, when it comes to Mankai. We all call that place home – none of us want to see it go under. You’ve got at least twenty sets of shoulders to lean on, and… mine’s always open if you need it,” Tasuku replied as he stopped walking to readjust her weight on his back. “Also… sorry about earlier. I was too harsh. I know I say more than I need to when I get, uh… heated.”

“That’s true… I do see you scold Tsumugi a lot. I guess this is just how you treat your friends,” she remarked with a chuckle.

Another silence fell between them as he started walking again, and Izumi felt disappointed that their conversation appeared to be over. However, to her surprise, he spoke again a moment later.

“… You know that I don’t see you as a friend, right?”

“What?! You don’t?!” Izumi exclaimed, feeling both shocked and indignant. “After all this time?! We’ve gone drinking so many times together, too! What the heck?!”

She felt Tasuku sigh again as she pounded his back with one fist.

“Look – I didn’t mean it that way. I just— I see you as more than a friend, okay?” he snapped back, resolutely keeping his eyes facing forward.

Izumi froze.

“Wait. What did you just say?” she asked slowly. She was sure she had heard him correctly, but she almost didn’t believe it.

“Nothing. I said nothing. Forget about it.”

“Huh?! No way! There’s no way I’d forget something like that!” Izumi retorted.

“Didn’t you just say you didn’t hear what I said?!” he growled.

“I just want to hear you say it again.”

“No.”

“C’moooon! Say it again!”

“No!”

“Saaaaay iiiittt!”

“I swear – I’m going to leave you here and you can walk home!” Tasuku finally snapped.

“You wouldn’t dare!” she taunted back, butterflies fluttering in her stomach at the familiar banter between them. “If you do, I’ll tell Tsumugi on you. I bet I could get him to tell me tons of embarrassing stories about you as compensation.”

“Okay, I’m really going to drop you.”

Izumi shrieked as she felt Tasuku loosen his grip on her legs and she started to slip down his back. However, he immediately caught her and bounced her up onto his waist again.

“You’re the worst! I can’t believe you just did that!” she scowled, wrapping her arms firmly around his neck – just in case – and definitely not because she wanted to feel closer to him.

“Serves you right,” he snorted.

“Fine, I’ll let you off the hook this time – since you’re carrying me home,” Izumi replied, her voice softening. “Thanks, Tasuku.”

Then, she stretched her neck forward and planted a quick kiss on Tasuku’s cheek before moving back and nuzzling her cheek against his broad and warm shoulder. She couldn’t help a big smile from crossing her face as she glimpsed – from the corner of her eye – his ears turning bright red.

I really do enjoy the relationship between these two. I’m just such a sucker for friends/lovers who banter with each other. It’s just so much fun writing Izumi keeping Tasuku on his toes, too, haha. I also have a lot of feelings about Izumi. I didn’t go too much into it here, but I hope to further explore my take on her in future fics!!

I’m happy I was able to get out three entries within the actual Rare Pairs Week! I just need to ride this wave of productivity and finish up the rest of the entries in the next week or two before I lose steam (and hoping real life won’t get in the way of my plans)!!

Thanks again for reading and please do leave a comment with what you thought! If you enjoyed this, please do help me out with a reblog!

Please stay tuned! Next entry will be that ItaIzu smut I was talking about previously back on Day 1, haha.

-Anmitsu

#a3! #act! addict! actors! #a3! act! addict! actors! #tasuku takato #izumi tachibana #tasuku x izumi #takato tasuku #tachibana izumi #a3! izumi #a3! tasuku #a3! game #a3! actor training game #act addict actors #a3! rare pairs week 2020 #anmitsu writes

[pinkykitten]

First I love you

The Greatest Showman

Tom Thumb (Charles Stratton) x female! reader

Warning: 1 curse word, people being buttholes again

Specifics: romance, angst, fluff, comedy, blurb / drabble, race neutral reader, pictures 

People: tom thumb (charles stratton), mean people, restaurant owner

Words: 768

Requested: By @sexuallyconfusedspacedragon456 So Charles and reader are out, having a blast with each other and he's throwing jokes left and right to hear her laugh. She then leans down and kisses him on the lips, in public. That's when they get looks and comments. Instead of going back like Charles said, she sticks up for them and says that it's not weird because she loves him and he loves her. Also this is the first time they've said I love you too each other so he's a bit shocked and comments on it later which ends in a shit ton of fluff

Authors Note: wow it feels like forever since ive written for tgs, i kinda miss it. to see where my blog is at now to where it was when i started writing its pretty nostalgic to go write tgs because thats how i started on tumblr, was writing after i saw the movie i was like a changed woman lol. but to see the appreciation and love and patience that the ppl on this blog have makes me smile and just take it in and just love writing more. lol i hope this makes sense srry if im rambling too long enjoy the story!

It was a fine night. You and Tom had just finished a splendid dinner under the moon and stars. The owner even had to kick you two out, with a gruff voice he told you, “its already passed closing time.”

You and Tom couldn’t believe it! The night seemed so short, only lasting a minute, but in reality it lasted hours. 

Walking beside him in your pink dress that he adores so much you catch his smiles and feel all giddy inside. 

Walking around town, Tom was saying jokes all over the place, “alright I got another one, what about what is the difference between stabbing a man and killing a hog?”

You pondered over the joke for a minute but then shrugged, “I don’t know, tell me.”

“One is assaulting with intent to kill; the other is killing with intent to salt.”

Quickly Tom looked up at your features. You were all smiles, giggling at what seemed to him amateur joking but just seeing your bright smile and hearing your laugh he wished this night would never end. 

“Okay how ‘bout one more!”

You were laughing so hard you had to clutch your stomach, “I don’t know if I can take another one.” You saw the look of disappointment on his face, “I was kidding Tom, I love to hear your jokes. Alright, one more.”

Tom grins, “so a man goes to the barber and the barber asks, how would you like your hair cut? Do you know what the man says?”

“Today?” You answered, knowing that probably wasn’t the right answer.

Tom shakes his head and whispers, “The man says, in silence.”

You hunch over laughing, tears streaming down your face. He tells jokes so well, he’s so animated and truly feels them. “I love your jokes Tom.”

Tom’s heart is beating so fast, he can’t believe he has this beautiful woman beside him that actually cares for him let alone want’s to even be next to him. He felt he was in heaven, he was the happiest man on earth with you. 

Wanting to show Tom how appreciative you were you paused and bent down to kiss him on the lips. Your gloved hand pressed lightly against his cheek while your lips moved in sync with his. It was slow but full of love. As you two parted you e/c eyes looked into his. They were extraordinary, so innocent so sweet. 

“I still can never get used to that,” Tom spoke in a hushed tone as he leaned his head against yours. For a moment Tom either didn’t care about others looking or he just forgot but as he turned his head to the side he saw them. Staring, sneering, laughing, being disgusted. He hated the attention and he hated that you got that negative attention as well. “I’m sorry y/n that was wrong, lets go back okay. I don’t want nothing to happen to you.” He tried to grab your hand but you stood your ground. Irate as he*l you marched towards all the people, “how dare you look at me and him like that? Would you like it if I were to stare at you that way, hmm? Why don’t you bother someone else? Or here’s a thought, don’t bother anyone at all! Go on stare if it pleases you, but that doesn’t make me love him any less. I love him with all my heart, so leave us be!”

You motioned to him again and took his hand to bring him to your house. 

When you made it there, you threw your coat and belongings on the couch. You plopped down on the soft cushions and rubbed your temple. Tom on the other hand was still shocked. “You said...I love you...”

You were silent making Tom anxious if that was a lie, but then you beamed, you grinned so wide Tom thought he would topple with love, you chuckled, “I did didn’t I.” You held your hand out for him to take it, which he did and kissed both his hands. “All of it was true, I do love you. I love you so much.”

Tom felt happy tears spill, “I’m sorry, no one has ever said that to me before.”

You leaned your forehead against his, “I know, but I will make sure to tell you everyday just so you know forever.”

Tom embraced you and kissed all over your face, “what did I do to deserve such an amazing woman? I love you so much too y/n. I will love you forever and ever, no matter what. I love you.”

Tag list: @harrington-lover, @angelgl16, @perfectlybeautifulsuit, @hyehoney, @haven-prelude (wont let me tag), @leasly, @totally-alexa21, @creamy-pasta-boi, @multireese, @fanfictionrecommendations-com, @prentisskelley, @malereaderforkpop (wont let me tag), @guardian-of-cookies, @justafangirl-97, @teenageshitposts (wont let me tag), @andreaoreas, @dippergravity (wont let me tag), @some-booty, @fromfoolishpeopletodeadpeople, @collectiveyou, @wtfisalltherandoms, @fangirl-4-life415, @dirbel, @eastcoasthaven, @divaanya

wanna be tagged in my crap? comment!

#the greatest showman #tgs #x reader #fanfiction #tom thumb #charles stratton #tom thumb x reader #tom thumb imagine #charles stratton x reader #charles stratton imagine #the greatest showman imagine #tgs imagine #race neutral reader #hugh jackman #zendaya #zac efron #requested #first i love you #tgs will always have a special place in my heart <3<3<3

[theprivilegedshatlord-blog]

I am the friend known as “H” from CancerChaser blog in Chapter 6

I am here to corroborate what my friend said and provide my side of the story of this situation. Walhartonsclub (WC) told me about CancerChaser (CC) back in 2016 after the first incident where CC was wiling out on WC because of what seemed to a misunderstanding of affording a phone. I initially told WC to ignore him because he was not worth shit or at least is what I initially thought. From there he kept me informed about what CC did throughout.Now to go into when i was first referenced in the chronicles about CancerChaser. From what I knew at the time, CC asked WC to send emails over and over from phone to his email. Have no idea why would he need WC to do that. He could have used something like Imgur. Given that CC had a phone that was not a smartphone based on what I was told, it would probably be impossible. Of course trying to make simple suggestions to him like this is enough to make CC go into a hair-triggering temper tantrum, so there is no use to try to convince him to upgrade. It was 2016, being up to date shouldn’t be too hard, you can even get refurbished smartphones for a fraction of full retail price. My parents have the latest phones and they are older than CC by decades. Why did CC chose WC instead of other friends for these favors is beyond me. So he asked and asked and asked WC to send him these pics over and over. WC complied with generosity. WC likes to please his friends. He has pleased me multiple times. He also tries to be the best person he can be. Needless to say CC took advantage of him.So when it came time for CC return the favor, he was resistant initially. When he finally did start playing, he did until after half of the game was over. The game was Spring Breeze from Kirby’s Super Star on Super NIntendo. Did you know that Spring Breeze is a remake of the original Kirby’s Dream Land on Game Boy with a missing level and boss? So CC did not even bother finishing such a short abridged game. That betrayal was just foul play on CC’s end.

Then CC would later use WC’s insecurities to gain him back and asked for more favors. WC then approached me on rethinking the situation. I initially thought that he probably did not like the game and was bored. I made the suggestion to pick a game that has much less interaction. Like some touch screen DS or 3DS game. WC brought up Warioware Twisted Touched!, so I thought would be a good choice there. My reasoning is that CC probably has no real interest in video games. I have heard that he has play Super Mario Bros. 3 growing up. Which makes me realize that CC is a very casual non-gamer person.

Reading the situation in question at Chapter 5 reveals that CC had been simply holding the controller where the direction pad in the upper right corner and seemingly pressed no buttons which means he was faking interest and had no intention at all to return the favor. He really should have said that he had no interest in playing video games. He was lying to manipulate WC. Which comes to no surprise that CC refused to play Warioware Twisted Touched! when asked. He cannot play easy games. He cannot play very simple games. But he would lie about having an interest only for him to evade that with excuses. With friends like these who needs bullies?

The next time I was involved was when WC was having his panic attack resulting from personal issues that are stated in Chapter 6. I have received certain pictures that hinted that he was contemplating suicide. Being under vacation time from my job, I decided to actually come see WC to check up on him myself. When I saw him, he was sitting on a couch. When he saw me he was excited to see me I asked if he took any of the pills or hurt himself, he told me that he gave himself more time to think about it. Perhaps to think about the people that love him.

He told me about the situation that led up to the panic attack. Best way to describe what was happening without revealing confidential information is that someone was very sick and emotions erupted. I had told him that he needs more time to hang out with friends. We not only did Spring Breeze in full, but also Meta Knight’s Revenge, Dyna Blade, and Great Cave Offensive as well. Games in that collection that are larger than Spring Breeze. We did not get to do Milky Way Wishes that day, but we did eventually got to do it at another time. We also played Brawl Brothers, all I remember is that there was a code to play the Japanese version and we did that and completed the game. It was short at 5 levels long. We also played Events in Super Smash Bros. for Wii U. We did not clear all of the event, only some but we did have fun.

At Applebees we discussed the situation further. There I learned that he had sent the same pics to other friends as well which made me concerned. I thought that WC was going to get a wellness check on him or worse be committed to a mental ward for days. I only knew one recipient among the 7 besides myself (I never met CC in person). The person I knew is a mutual friend. The mutual friend never really got to see the messages, so he was unaware (it reached an old phone and when he got a new one, the messages were deleted). The mutual was relieved to know that WC was okay and felt better. And yes the mutual is informed of CC and his bullshit antics; I can confirm that he heavily resents CC, as I do.

So I had to get WC to do damage control to avoid being institutionalized. As information like this can scare people and be irrational. We needed for cooler heads to prevail. So WC told everyone that it was for attention. So WC can still run his panel at a upcoming convention and not be stuck that weekend in a mental hospital. He really needed to avoid the ruining of plans like that.

After all, my cousin once told me about the one time she told exactly one person that she felt suicidal because an aunt of hers  being diagnosed of cancer (from her dad’ side, I’m related through our moms being sisters). Telling her best friend was enough for the BF to call the ambulance and my cousin had to stay in a mental ward for 16 days!

CC’s response was very callous. As far as I know, he never asked what was going on around that time. He just stayed silent and only responded with that shitty “I knew it” bullshit when he received a fucking coverup. WC was crying for help and I answered the call. I live 2 hours away and this asshat lives minutes away in walking speed, yet gives radio silence to someone he calls himself a friend to, is mere blocks away, while I invest in gas and mileage to make sure WC is okay. Some friend CC is. For someone who claims to be “a good friend” in his hate mail; he sure shows no effort in even trying to check up on him. Real piece of scum CC is.

I later go to see the panel and I liked it. Which comes to no surprise in my perspective. The next day I played Streets of Rage 1 with WC. The only other thing I remember is that there was some dude I met who was in a wheelchair because he broke his foot days before.

Now for my thoughts about CancerChaser and his narcissism.

Walhartonsclub would later work for New York Comic-Con and buy the Super NES Classic. Which meant for the later part of September and early October he would be very busy. He also was seeking for connections, so there would not be any room for free time. CancerChaser did not give a shit about the adult responsibilities WC had to do. And despite CC being older than WC, CC would not take no for an answer and start guilt tripping WC. Having enough of CC’s scummy actions, WC finally cut ties. This was met with harassment and hatemail. Which truly shows CC’s irredeemable character in full form.

CC is a fucking disgrace to everything it means to being gay. If I was gay, I would rather live in a fucking fraternity of homophobic bullies that to ever have anything to do with CC. This old man never seemed to learn a single thing about accountability or responsibility. How dare does he interfere with a job? What gives him the right to call his target for the simple reason to give expletives to him? And his emails? Disgusting does not come close. Making empty threats to for law enforcement for intimidation and truly showing his true colors on how he uses people only to claim they are useless after the fact. And his latest unprovoked email where he makes more empty threats and more shitty insults is fucked up. I have heard that CC passed by a block away from WC’s home twice after 2017. That is obvious projection. CC’s knows WC’s location. Clearly CC is the stalker. Stalking close to his target’s home and then acts like he is the victim and being harassed is scummy behavior. I have never seen such a scummy person ever as far as stalkers and harassers go.

I honestly have no consideration for him as a human being. If he receives anything terrible short of death, it is karma. He deserves nothing but negativity and hate. This man is among the lowest of monsters. I have had to deal with people with psychosis several years ago, but this man is worse by the power of 10. There is bad people and there is EXTREME SCUM. CancerChaser is the latter. The only people worse than CancerChaser are child rapists, pedophiles, murderers, terrorists, abusive parents, and human traffickers. All those aside, CancerChaser is the worst kind of person out there. Fuck this man. Fuck him HARD!

And finally I got one thing to announce. I get the feeling that people do not really want to read long as fuck posts like this on tumblr. I am going to fix that. I am going to working on readings of the CancerChaser blog and post them on YouTube so people who don’t really care about reading essays can listen to the situation as well. Because we really to expose CancerChaser and let tons of people know who much inhumane scumbag CC truly is.

#cancerchaser

[nikkithinksblog-blog]

Forgiveness is not for other people...

Okay so this blog will probably get real and heavy. And that’s okay. There’s no point for me to do this if I can’t be an open book. If you know me personally, you know some of my story. I don’t broadcast it but I refuse to hide it. It’s apart of me and who I am. 

That being said, I don’t want this post to be all about me and how hard my life was and is. Yes, I’ll be sharing about things I’ve gone through but my hope and prayers in doing that is to help others and show some light on a way to help cope with difficult situations that involve forgiving. 

One thing that always helped me get through and continue on this journey is the saying “Forgiveness is not for other people. Forgiveness is for you.”

When I first heard that, it was a surreal moment kind of. Like I can’t even remember where I heard or who from but all I remember is a sudden change in the way I think about things. I know now that God put that phrase in my life. No doubt in my mind. 

Listen, just to give a quick recap, I’ve been abused and felt just low like lower than the level beneath dirt and that is a basic summary of everything. My physical, emotional and (most importantly) mental health have suffered dearly. And I am still dealing with “fixing it” I’ll never be done. It’s going a life-long commitment. A part of me feels so bad for my family, and friends but most importantly, Aaron. This man and I are going to spend the rest of our lives together. Once I realized that Aaron is my soulmate and who God put in my life for me, I was extremely happy (obviously) but also, worried, frustrated, angry, worried and very sad. Sad because he has no say so in what my past has been. Sad because of my baggage that he is taking on with me. How is that fair to someone? But then once I kept thinking and praying about that, I FORGAVE myself for not even giving myself a chance to take on my own baggage or deal with my own past. Please don’t get me wrong, Aaron has and is going above and beyond to support me and deal with all of this with me. Keyword there was “with”. I FORGAVE myself for doubting Aaron, in a way. How dare I doubt someone who has never shown me anything but love and support and care since he’s known me. God puts people and things in your life for a reason. 

Like I’ve said in the sports videos, this forgiveness topic has been heavy in my prayers and on my heart. Today, 8/17/19, I know why now. 

Alright y’all this is where it gets heavy and real...

So to give some back story, My grandmother got diagnosed with Stage 4 giloblastoma multi-cell brain cancer in Oct-Nov of 2018. It has been a very huge struggle. When we first got the news, before we even knew if was cancer or not, our plan of action was surgery to remove the tumor. Once the surgery happened, the surgeon came out and confirmed the news that my family dreaded. I was upset and sad but mostly angry. Angry at myself for not seeing any symptoms sooner, angry at her doctors for not taking the best care of her to prevent this from happening, and honestly a little angry at my family for not taking care of her and watching her. Obviously that was not fair of me to accuse people who loved my grandma just as much, if not more, for not taking care of her. How dare I right?! But, once I thought about it, I FORGAVE the doctors and I FORGAVE my family. None of them knew I was angry at them, and until the read this post, they don’t know. After a couple of weeks, she started chemo and radiation. After about 2-3 weeks of that, she was getting really really sick. She took a fall in the bathroom from being so weak. She went to the er and that’s when we found out that her tumor came back, bigger and stronger than before. The date, 12/02/18, will be forever in my brain. Engraved in there. Never leaving and here’s why...This was the date that I realized that no one is safe. No one is safe from this sick disease called cancer. 

It’s not fair for an amazing and loving woman to suffer from something she does not deserve.

When she started getting worse and worse, and is still getting worse. I was getting very angry and upset. I would let it boil in me and just simmer down in me. One little thing would get to me and I would blow up and break down. I was still angry. Of course, I kept blaming myself for all of this. I’ve always been someone in my family who has taken care of everything and I can’t take care of this. It kills me. Like it shakes me to my core to know that there is literally nothing I can do to fix this. Trust me. 

Then around June of this year, I finally realized who I was truly angry at. 

I was angry at God.

WOW, when that realization hit me, I broke the heck down. 

Give me one christian on this earth who hasn’t been angry for something at some point in their life and was angry at God for letting that something happen. 

I never doubted him or anything of the that nature. I still believe in him and everything he can do. I still pray to him and give him praises. But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t angry. How could he let this happen to a woman that is so devoted to him and so important to me. A very small part of me took it as a punishment. Everyone is a sinner, that’s in the bible. Even if you don’t believe in it, it’s one of those things that you just know. But our sins are FORGIVEN. I thought I had the one sin, somewhere in my life that caused all this to happen. My luck of course. 

I came home from work one day and I didn’t want to watch TV. I didn’t want to listen to music or read a book or scroll through Facebook or play with my dog even. What I wanted to do was find answers. Answers as to why this was happening to my family. Answers as to why I can’t cope with anything and I’m anxious and depressed all of the time. But most importantly and above all, I wanted answers as to why I was so angry all the time and why I was angry God, the one thing in my life that has never left and shown me the right things to do and the right way to live.

So I picked up my bible and my plan was to read what ever page I opened to and just keep reading until I found something. 

I opened my bible and the very first thing I saw was “Forgiveness is not for other people. Forgiveness is for you.”

The second thing I saw was “ God gives his toughest battles to his strongest warriors”

Then it literally hit me like a ton of bricks. I was angry at God for showing me that this happening is a part of the plan. I was angry because I was in denial that this is happening. That’s it. I was angry (in general) because I was in denial and I was blaming. 

Immediately I was on my knees asking him for FORGIVENESS. 

Once I prayed, and I’m telling you like I was praying for 15.-20 minutes if not more, but once I finished... everything became clear.

God showed me that I needed to forgive myself for all the pain I caused myself but not only that, the pain I caused everyone around me. I put the people closest to me in pain because I was angry. Being angry about something and at someone that did nothing to you is wrong! 

God isn’t mad at me for being mad at him. His love and care for me isn’t gone and he’s not going to show me less. God showed me that this happens. Everyone has to go at some point and he is keeping her around until she and him are ready and that is their conversation to have and I don’t need to be involved like I think I do. God has showed me his love. Even in the times where I’m blinded by negativity.

Here’s how I am forgiving myself: (and I saw it in a current sense because I am still working on it)

Take 10-20 minutes to yourself EVERYDAY to allow yourself to break down. Cry, scream, break stuff, whatever you need to do.

Write down every emotion you feel during the day on a piece of paper and then mark out the negative ones until the paper rips.

Sing. Music has a therapy element to it. Use it. it doesn’t matter if you’re bad or good. It doesn’t matter what song. Just sing.

Talk to someone. Vent to someone. It’s okay to talk about what’s going on. But make sure after that person listens to you. You have to listen to them.

Find the positive things in everything and STAY positive.

Talk to God.

These are the things that I do. Some of these may not work for you but something, somewhere will. You just can’t be afraid to try.

I’m not perfect. I’m still going through so much. But I’m not angry.

But I forgave everyone and anyone.

I forgave myself. And in forgiving myself, I am more open and I am more able to feel. 

I don’t have the answers to anyone’s problems, including my own. But I’m willing to search for them. 

I hope this helps someone who read this. This post is longer and honestly a lot longer than I planned. 

Thank you all so much and I am sending so much love to you all! 

-Nikki

#NikkiThinks #blog #nikki #willoughby #forgive #God #help #forgiveness

[jishnc]

meta on arJUNA HAPPINESS I NEED TO KNOW WAS HE EVER HAPPY?? not like fake happy with tons of self worth issues BUT CARE FREE HAPPY? DID HE EVER TRULY LAUGH NOT JUST TO FOOL SOMEONE THAT HES PERFECT? will he ever be happy again?will he ever accept himself and be healthy? I NEED TO KNOW SOMEBODY HELP HIM

let me write meta posts you cowards

Here’s a theoreticalArjuna who’s happy and able to move on from his life ( because the odds of me using this icon are slim to none ).

Nowthat that’s out of the way, I’m going to preface this meta withstating that this blog has a strict plotline that runs through everysingle one of Arjuna’s interactions—particularly those revolvingaround other Servants as his development goes through a soft-resetwith every new Master. And yes, the end goal for this blog is forArjuna to achieve happiness and satisfaction with himself in spite ofall his flaws ( because I’mself-indulgent af and I want him to be happy without any of the dumbdream bs they did for his 2ndinterlude :/// ).

Happinessfor Arjuna is a terrible and complicated thing because where heshould feel happy he doesn’t and where he shouldn’t he does. You’llsee that duplicity and two-sidedness are very common themes ineverything he does and that’s not without reason: for as long as hecould remember Arjuna was told that he could do and that he would domany incredible things: he was seen as the greatest archer of histime, everyone around him believed that he was saintlike andvirtually without fault, and everything he’s ever done was out ofduty for his family whom he placed above all else. But somewherealong the way—very early on, actually—the Arjuna that everyoneknew and the one who enjoyed peace and quiet split down the middlethus creating this extremely self-damaging dichotomy between the “hero”and the “truth.” This is not to say that he didn’t feel a shredof happiness in his life, but those few times where always balancedwith something so tragic that he feels it better to keep his feelingsto himself. Perhaps his happiest moments were the days where he spenttime with his eldest son Abhimanyu ( Ipersonally believe that he was extremely close to his eldest becauseof how he reacted when he learned of Abhimanyu’s death: “Whentheir mournful silence, and downcast eyes, that dared not meet his,had confirmed his worst fears, the bereaved father burst intoheart-broken lamentation. ‘Alas,has my dear boyindeed become Yama’s guest?‘”), but Abhimanyu wasdestined to die at the age of sixteen as per the request of the moongod Chandra who permitted his son to reincarnate on earth for sixteenyears.

Laughter ( the lighthearted king ) is an extremely rare thing for Arjuna because when he laughsit’s something along the lines of Lee Byung Hun’s performance in ISaw the Devil: a horrifying, yet heartbreaking display that makes onewonder if he’s laughing or sobbing.Yes he’s capable of a chuckle or two, but his laughter verges on themaniacal and the disturbed ( justlistening to his ascension dialogue gives a clear depiction of howmuch he struggles and how prevalent his darker personality becomeswhen he attains his “idealized form” ),and he exhibited this when he killed Karna which—for therecord—permanently fucked him up for all eternity.

There’salso the little things that made Arjuna happy such as when he’s ableto show off his skills in archery, spending time with his brotherswhen there isn’t misfortune clouding over them, but what makes Arjunahappiest is being alone. His first exile were arguably some of thehappiest moments of his life because nothing made him happier than tobe by his lonesome, without the prying and judgmental eyes of otherslooming over him and watching his every movement with bated breath,wondering what the great warrior-prince will do next. Arjuna couldn’tquite understand why he felt at peace in solitude because he refusedto acknowledge that bearing so many expectations actually stressedhim out, and a lot of the Mahabharata is him getting so incrediblystressed about everything that’s asked of him simply because “it’sArjuna.” And Arjuna, so incredibly starved for constant validationand love from those around him, willingly concedes partly because heunderstands “it’s the right thing to do.” In reality, he’safraid that if he said no then people wouldn’t care about himanymore, and this fear is something that haunts him throughout hisentire life.

Thefear of being ignored, the fear of even an inchof his heroic disposition wavering and revealing the darknessunderneath, the mindset so deeply rooted in his mind that “if he isnot loved, he is not worth anything” are what sets up his downfallas a man who is exceedingly proud of his skills as an archer becausehe legitimately believes that that is the main, if not only, reasonpeople bothered to care about him in the first place. Without hisarchery he is nothing, and it’s why he became so hostile towardsKarna who showed up out of the blue with prowess in a field that wasonce-thought exclusively his.

Asa Heroic Spirit, Arjuna completely acknowledges the fact that hecannot bring himself to feel joy and it’s a fight he must strugglewith for all eternity, because as a Heroic Spirit he’s hyper-aware ofthe darkness within him that he tried to ignore in life. He knowsthat “Krishna” is a creature of his making, and it has since thenbecome a landfill of everything he wants to hide: a disgusting,heinous abomination that is as much a part of him as is his heartfeltdesire for peace despite believing that he’s undeserving of such athing. And while he does desire a way for him to come to terms witheverything that’s been plaguing him, he’s also incredibly closed offand despises the thought of forging bonds with other people. He’shesitant to get along with other Servants because he’s not sure whatwould happen if they saw his negative sides (Mastersare easier for him to fool because there’s already an establishedrelationship between Master and Servant that serves as his safety net),but he also wants someone to understand and accept him,flaws and all. Mind you, this self-damaging behavior is something that wentunnoticed and never addressed by anyone in Arjuna’s family much lesshis teachers or those closest to him (Krishnalikely knew, but it mattered little to him in the long run so long asArjuna fulfilled his duty ).

This is something that went unchecked for decades, it not hundreds and thousands ofyears, because the lifespans of people in the Mahabharata wereextremely long, especially for demigods. This behavior is not goingto go away immediately nor is there a simple solution to reconcilingArjuna’s two “personalities” because this habit is so deeplyingrained into him that it’s become the only coping method he’s everlearned ( ignorethe bad and leave only the good ).I’ve said it and I’ll say it again: Arjuna coming to terms withhimself is not easy,nor is it meant to be easy and I don’t want it to be easy. There’sgoing to be a lot of pain, a lot of yelling, and a lot of Arjuna notknowing what to think anymore because healing essentially meansripping apart a 2,000+ year old foundation upon which all of hisbeliefs stood. Arjuna is definitely a ways away from being trulyhappy,but it’s not impossible,and he deserves it just as much as the next person.

#( ask. ) #( the wicked must be conquered by honesty. ) #(( breaks my hand )) #(( ARJUNA DESERVES NOTHING BUT HAPPINESS )) #(( HE DESERVES IT??? LIKE??? )) #(( HE GOES THROUGH SO MUCH )) #(( all he wanted was legitimate validation and for someone to accept him )) #(( flaws and everything )) #(( especially someone who's willing to accept his flaws )) #(( which is why his relationship with Karna is so so important )) #(( like I really hope there comes a time on this blog )) #(( where he develops that kind of relationship )) #(( I highly doubt it bc it'll be a super slow burn/giant timesink )) #(( but one day;; I hope;;; )) #(( god just;;; him coming to terms with that darkness )) #(( and understanding that it's okay if he's not perfect )) #(( gets me so emotional )) #(( like no matter what au he's in this is his 1 problem )) #(( and any situation where he overcomes it )) #(( makes me so happy )) #(( I'll die for his happiness )) #(( let him be happy )) #(( tysm for letting me write this anon )) #(( bc it needed to be said ))

[sylvaetria]

*I have already added new points to this as I found something else on my dash*

Out of all of the communities I have been a part of on Tumblr in my time, I have to say this one gets to me the most. This one is definitely high on the list of “worst communities ever" for me.

There are tons of amazing people here, don’t get me wrong, I have made a lot of wonderful friends through Witchblr. And I do love sharing resources with you all, and seeing people’s spells and sigils. But the community itself is horribly toxic.

I’m putting a bunch of this under a “read more” for triggers, if you care to see.

We preach openness and acceptance, but as soon as someone makes one mistake, someone is there, jumping down their throat, sending "kill yourself” messages, and threatening to curse or dox them for it, even after an apology has been made. 

People have been driven out of this community for mistakes, for saying something someone else might disagree with.

Anyone remember the “spirit war” debacle? The person who made that post deleted their blog, because they got a lot of people sending messages to them about the whole situation. They deleted their blog, because of how this community reacted to their post. (Don’t get me wrong, that situation probably could have been handled a little better from their end, like saying that was a personal experience and it may not apply to everyone, but I also don’t see that it was necessary for the community to react how they did, sending rude messages about “fear mongering.”)

We preach openness and acceptance, but constantly I see “witchcraft is only for women” and “men can’t be witches” and “how dare you force people into OUR space?” like it was ever exclusively theirs to begin with. All the gatekeeping, telling people who can and can’t call themselves a witch, or practice witchcraft.

There is constant harassment through the anon system - I see it over many blogs. I’ve had it on my own. Over stupid little things, too. Such hateful messages over things that don’t affect the one sending the hate at all. Like, why?

Plagiarism is rampant. Fucking rampant. And we’ve gotten to the point where calling it out gets retaliated with more hateful messages, that bloggers are even afraid to say that their shit was stolen or copied. People are scared to speak up for themselves and protect their own things because of how people may react.

I am often hesitant about what I post on this site anymore, things that I feel strongly and passionately about, that I want to speak up for. It takes a lot of courage for me to say anything personal on here anymore, for me to stand up on a certain issue, because someone who isn’t affected by it at all will somehow make it about them and make a huge thing out of it. 

There are ways to send constructive criticism without calling people “stupid” too. There are ways to disagree with people without being hateful - they don’t need to be synonymous.

It’s why I have so much respect for @thistletongue tbh, they see the problems and call them out, because it needs to be done, and they take the backlash, shoulder it all, just to try to make this community a better place.

I had someone say it was “fucked up” of me to not reblog one of their business posts, when it was the first time they had ever spoken to me on Tumblr. Because deciding what I want on my blog is “fucked up;” because wanting to be treated like a human and not a billboard is “fucked up;” because feeling upset that people only seem to interact with me for my follower count is “fucked up.” 

Not to mention, the blocking culture. And it often comes down to "look, I can’t tag so-and-so because they blocked me, which means they just disagreed with me and don’t wanna deal with me anymore even though I’m right.” And it’s just giving this negative connotation to blocking people that are unhealthy for you / you don’t want to interact with. Like, you get called out for blocking someone now, which can be a huge deterrent for actually blocking people that are harmful to you.

I’ve received triggering pictures in my submit box, awful horrible things, and accusations of being a N*zi alongside them.

I see anon messages sent to my friends, saying that they’ve been cursed and to “enjoy.”

I just saw one of my friends accused of cursing another one of my friends. This one hurts me the most.

These problems aren’t exclusive to this community, I am aware of that (except for maybe the cursing stuff). But I have seen it the most here. I only have a few years of Tumblr experience under my belt, but I’ve danced through a few communities, and none is perfect (I think this site just breeds this sort of thing). But this community, Witchblr, has made me need to take more breaks than I ever have from any sort of social media or blogging platform before. 

There is so much here that happens that hurts, hurts me deeply, and I feel scared to even say anything about it, to even express the problems I feel are deep within our community, because someone will tell me I’m being too sensitive, or those aren’t problems at all. Shouldn’t that say it enough? I am scared to express the problems I feel we have as a community, because I feel the community will react negatively to it. That isn’t the sort of place I want to interact in.

I’m tired, guys. Really. I’m just tired.

Idk, I’m just saying things, getting some things off my chest. This isn’t a call to activism, though maybe we need one. I dunno. I’m just tired.

#Richtor rambles #negativity tw

[fair-fae]

You know, I'm not a drama person, I don't like it, but it came up on my dash so much that I kind of had to read it. All of that nonsense could've been avoided if you didn't even take it to the public. Judging people for THEIR characters that THEY made and can do WHATEVER the hell they want with them? Oh woo ho good job, you're so popular for taking the "barrage" of it. No. all it did was prove that you're a D-bag and I've got a nice, long list of people to block now and avoid contact with.

Okay, anon. I haven’t bothered setting the record straight with most of this shit, because I know folks like you will continue to believe what you want to believe and hear what you want to hear, just like you’re doing now. But I’ll bite. You’d think all of you getting onto your soapbox about how you shouldn’t judge or attack others wouldn’t keep talking shit about a situation you know nothing about and/or are terribly misinformed about. So I’ll enlighten you with what actually happened.

A while back, the person in question got into an argument with some people on the RPC, trying to tell them that their interpretation of the lore was wrong. Rather than leaving it at that, when he effectively got shut down there, he proceeded to take a screenshot of the conversation and post it on his tumblr, complete with a rant about the people who disagreed with him, their opinions are so wrong and awful, how dare they disagree with him, etc. essentially playing the victim when he was the one to try to badger them for their opinions in the first place. He also left their names, icons, signatures, etc. in full view.I responded and told him he probably shouldn’t be trying to harass any other people about the lore considering his own character concept (thus, you would think, making my opinion on his character pretty clear). Why? Because it’s fucking true.I don’t give a shit about the lore or whether anyone follows it. Probably every single one of my own characters at least bends the lore. But at least have the self-awareness and respect for your fellow role-players to say “yeah, my character breaks the lore” or not get your jimmies rustled every time someone says “oh, yeah, his character is lore breaking.” You wanna break the lore? Cool. Own up to it. And if you do break the lore, don’t try to force everyone else into following it–especially when you can’t even admit you break lore and instead stretch the lore to try so hard to justify your entirely lore-breaking character concept. Don’t try to heckle people for presumably doing what you do but won’t admit. Granted, these people weren’t even breaking lore anyway, which makes his insistence that they were even more ridiculous.So after some excuses about how he was trying to start some intellectual discussion or something and not just drag these people despite featuring their identities and primarily just complaining about them throughout the post, he admitted he should have at least edited out their names and apologized. Great! You’d think that should be the end of it. I didn’t have anything against him at that point, but also had no desire/reason to associate with him, so I didn’t. A couple months go by. Some post comes across my dash. A girl in the community is doxxing her online ex-boyfriend in a callout post about him for unexpectedly breaking up with her because she “thinks” he was lying to her about serious issues and “believes” he was cheating on her. Because I’m a loud and opinionated person, and because that’s some heinous thing to do, I spoke out against it (via a post on my own blog without naming names, mind you, because I’m not going to hijack someone else’s post with negativity or call them out by name). The girl found it, assumed it was about herself, flipped out, and then of course I was the bad guy for saying doxxing isn’t okay. And then the person in question joins in. Not even to discuss the topic at hand, but to dredge up the old drama about how I was so mean to him and he did nothing wrong, etc. A pretty crappy 180 turn for a person who apologized and made it seem like there were no hard feelings, but whatever. Someone saw that he obviously didn’t like me, and seized the chance to try to talk shit and spread rumors because they knew he’d give them the platform. They sent him some anon about how I hate women (lmao). And of course, he published it, with no skepticism or disagreement, only more commentary about how I’m mean and awful. I went to respond, only to find myself blocked. So I went on about my life because it’s not that big of a deal, but hey. The moment you talk shit about me, especially in a venue where I can’t respond, especially facilitating some lies and BS rumors, especially after leading me to believe we’d made amends–you aren’t off limits. You don’t get spared niceness and politeness. Is that mean and petty? Probably.¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I’ve never claimed to be a nice person.Now, to the horrible, awful thing I did to make this “public.” Fast forward to yesterday. I’d kept my mouth shut and left him alone. In a section of the RPC that doesn’t get a ton of traffic, largely because you have to make an account on the website and then manually opt in to this specific forum, several of us were discussing an absolutely awful person which is an unrelated story I won’t get into. Someone asked something along the lines of, “Are you guys talking about Underaged Looking Allagan Voidsent Chimera Demon Guy?” I responded with basically “No, we’re not talking about Underaged Looking Allagan Voidsent Chimera Demon Guy.” And that was it. We moved on with the conversation because he wasn’t who we’d been talking about. His name, tumblr, server info, in game race, class, etc. was all never given. No identifiable information beyond a very brief and tongue-in-cheek description of his RP character comprised of words taken directly from his own wiki, tumblr info, talk of his own character and RP posts.Someone saw the conversation, and based on our intentionally shitty description, was able to accurately guess who we were talking about and send him an anon to tell him about it. You’d think that would be pretty telling about his own RP, and this anon’s interpretation of it. He answered the anon in a long rant about me that featured both my in game name and my tumblr handle. In case you need me to spell this out for you, he went public with it first. I’ll also remind you that I was blocked, so I wasn’t/couldn’t be following him, and I was not properly @tagged in this rant, so I never would have seen it unless someone told/linked me, or someone I follow eventually reblogged it. And I honestly can’t imagine the level of narcissism it takes to write a long personal post full of wangst and victim-playing every time you hear a person had something negative to say about you or your RP character (not even by name–and by picking words from his own descriptions of his character), especially a person you have had issues with in the past and who you openly shit-talked yourself prior. Who does that? Lord knows my blog would be overflowing. Not everyone will like you, especially not people you jabbed at first. Especially not with an off the wall RP concept. Especially not with you trying to pass that concept is lore abiding and just “unusual.” Especially not with you trying to tell other people they’re “wrong” about the lore. Especially not with your character being a squicky, walking fetish and immortal jailbait. And that’s not even touching other things people have told me about this person that rubbed them the wrong way. Move on with your life.However, I found out about the post thanks to the OP himself when he unblocked me just to send me the link to the post and then before I could even read/respond to the post, sent me a barrage of IM’s still playing the innocent victim which is grating enough on its own but also included him straight up lying about ever posting/saying anything about me, insisting he’d done nothing to me, had nothing against me, this was so out of the blue and uncalled for, etc. When I pointed out this wasn’t the case, that I had seen and read the posts firsthand because blocking me doesn’t prevent me from seeing his posts, he began to lie instead about the contents of said posts and pulled some gaslighting bullshit about how I had just “misread” them, all the while either willfully or coincidentally not seeming to understand anything I said to him (I mentioned him publishing the anon about how I hate women at least twice and the response was always “I never said you hate women!!” Well no shit). He kept insisting that I had “gone behind his back” and that if I had a problem I should “say it to his face” despite the fact he’d had me blocked and that I’m not a douchey enough person to try to contact him despite that, and despite the fact that he had “gone behind my back” and not “said it to my face” twice now prior, and had done just that with his post about the folks from the RPC as well.He also insisted that the tumblr post was meant just to innocently “bring the issue to my attention to clear things up” despite me having no way to see it on my own unless by coincidence, and despite him proving to be willing and able to send me IM’s instead, which you’d think could render the need for a public post moot. When I pointed this out, he promptly deleted the post, lest anyone else see through his bullshit to what he was really trying to do.After my initial response to his wall of IM’s, he sent another wall this time with more insults and accusations, and promptly blocked me so I couldn’t respond. So yes, I made a vaguepost, I know, how awful, how dare I. A vague post vague enough that only someone who had seen his post, or who heard about it from him otherwise, would know who and what it was referencing. Until he responded to it himself, that is and unblocked me again to send me more angry messages to which I responded by permanently blocking him instead because this game of blocking and unblocking sure was getting old.Cue his charming friends sweeping in to tell me to eat a dick, making false accusations against my RP partner and I, sending me threats on Discord, telling people I flashed my breasts for money, etc. And the other person? The one who brought him up in the first place who I had only been responding to? Whose name he was given, was aired in the same public post on his blog as mine? As far as I know, she hasn’t gotten any hate, probably not a single message. And I’m glad, because she shouldn’t get any, she doesn’t deserve it. But at the same time, sure seems sketchy that the person who did the same exact thing as me–and who did it first–has not provoked anyone’s ire, not even been messaged. The public post in reply to the anon who named her, even, was aimed 100% at me. Now isn’t that funny. It’s almost like this was an excuse for people who already had beef with me to try to take shots at me and pretend it was justified. It’s almost like all you anon keyboard warriors don’t even know how this started or what actually happened.And now I’m going to talk about something else. You cannot do “whatever the hell you want” with your character. RP is a two-way (or more) street. There is a real person behind each and every character. These people are looking for fun just like you, and are every bit as deserving, and your fun shouldn’t impede on theirs. We are all allowed equal parts of fun.So when people play their weird ass lolicon/shotacon/pedobait characters, who is having fun? What if the other person in the RP was sexually abused as a child and you’re dredging up terrible old memories for them and making light of their pain? What if they’re a parent worried for their child, or worse, the parent of a child who’s already been abused? What if they’re an actual pedophile and seeing you RP this is tempting them, making them think they’re desires are normal and okay? Hell, what if they’re a goddamn ordinary person who finds it creepy and uncomfortable?What if the fetishized, futa ERP avatar is interacting with someone who is trans or nonbinary or intersex IRL? What if it’s triggering them (in the genuine, real sense of the word)? What if the walking affront against the lore character talking about being an Voidsent Half-Primal Garlean Spy in the middle of the Quicksand is ruining everyone’s immersion–particularly when they refuse to play along as others respond realistically IC and try to kill them or arrest them or kick them out? What if the OP af infinitely-stronger-than-everyone-else-around-him character is making the RP unfun for every other RPer involved because their characters can’t do anything but get beaten up or bow to his whims unless they stoop to godmodding or suddenly beefing up their own character?People can and will judge your character. Those judgments are usually best left kept themselves or quietly shared between trustworthy friends. But when your character trespasses on the OOC fun of the role-players around you? Sorry, my guy, people have every right to speak up. And all this nonsense? All this nonsense was a small handful of people who were already pretty nasty showing their true colors and getting told to pipe the fuck down. A pretty good outcome, if you ask me. So, please, block me, anon. My life will be better without idiots like you in it, and the same probably goes for anyone else you intend to block. Your nameless, ignorant, anonymous presence will not be missed–or noticed, for that matter.

[wazm]

kinda lost blog

I just wish to feel genuine joy in my life. I'm so afraid of chasing my goals cos what if I get to where I need to be and it's not exactly what I want. nevermind trying to reach for my goals cos I've been doing that..working every day..trying to bring myself closer to my goals but fail...struggling to sit down and just write music...i can't get myself to do it... I can't get myself to create anything.. I procrastinate the things I'm supposed to do with irrelevant big tasks..trying to distract myself constantly... I just feel empty inside...

what makes my hallow chest even deeper is the fact that all my relationships remind me of the bad decisions I've made..and theyre, not even bad decisions..its just meh...average..nothing worthwhile noting really..combined with abunch of negative outcomes...like he fact that i know a shit ton of people but i have zero real friends...i once had a friend who knew me for more than 7 years but he never exactly knew his boundaries...he’d show up to my house unannounced...id never get space...but at least i still had a friend..id do countless favors for him and never ask him anything in return but giving me space...one time i tried distancing myself from him and when i started to notice, he got so offended...after this happened, we never spoke to months...probs the longest time apart since we’ve been friends...then we kinda rekindled things...and he decided to plan a guys trip to bring us closer together...trip was okay...but ended really bad...he blocked me off everything..games, facebook, whatsapp...everything...he lives up the road from me...but ive never seen him since....idk if its a blessing or a curse...i hope things are okay with him...he wasnt the smartest but he was smart enough to comprehend certain sitautions ive been going through...good enough for me to vent to and console me...thats kinda all i need sometimes...but no more of that...he was kinda my bridge to a group of other friends we had...and after the boys trip it was like i lost everyone..social life took a hard knock...im sorry..just wish you trusted me more...

i tried filling the void by making my gf do things i did with my friends...never went down well...she just seems like someone who never knows how to have fun anymore..we used to have interesting chats..i was so inlove with her, I never saw her flaws...and she taught me this word “resentment”...well its not tht i never saw her flaws...i just chose to ignore them..and told myself that things will get better, and she’ll grow..and change...but i feel like shes been making me more like her since we’ve been dating...i swear i did so much things before her...but we’ve been together so long, i dont even know who that person is anymore...i bet, even if i left her, i wouldnt be able to bounce back...and the odd thing is that, when we started dating almost 5 years ago, i made it our philosphy that we are individuals in a relationship, we are not the relationship but it seems like she wasnt even herself back then and started being me...and now its like, shes nothing without me and my whole life has grown so much onto her, i kinda feel the same in return...just less attached to her since i felt like i was feeding her nucleas...might be exaggerating but homegirl cant initiate anything without me. nevermind choosing a meal when we go out, she cant even make a plan without needing 90% input from my side...and thats how most things are between us...if shes upset, ill fix it...risk my life and beyond to fix it...physically have done this many times before...walked from my house to hers at 2am in the morning, through the ghettos, more than a kilometer away..even been gun pointed and got things stolen from me, just to make her feel better when she was upset in the middle of the night...im not expecting that in return but she lits does the bare minimum in return...id be sad, then she be like...awww...im sad you’re sad...done..thats it...she’d lits be like...what can i do to fix things....again wanting my input...i might as well be dating myself...idk why im with this girl anymore...i hurt inside everytime i tell her i love her...cos i just dont anymore...and its been like this for a while...i wish she found this post and decided to leave me..cos i cant leave her...ive broken her heart so many times and told her i wanted to leave but i just end up coming back to her cos im sucha fucking pussy seeking some sort of social acceptence or friendship and i feel like shes all i have rn...not much of a gf hey...but its not like im worth anything either...idk...im so paranoid shes cheated on me in the past cos shes lied to me in the past and told me 3 years later about those lies...you know when someone lies to you and then when you find out about the lies and you ask why’d you do it and shes like...idk...i just feel like its lies ontop of lies...really cant trust her....i wish i had it in me to cheat on her...but i just dont like most females...id be infatuated with someone but would be put off so easily by the slightest thign...things would make so much sense if i was secretly gay but im not...the longer i seem to be in this place, the deeper im digging my grave...i feel like the time with my almost 5 year relationship feels like its getting harder to leave the longer i stay in it....i really dont know what to do...but i feel like i fuck up most of my relationships...not just my romantic one...

my relationship with my parents are just a nightmare...same goes for my other family members...and you know what...i do so much for people...countless favors...countless volunteer jobs...extra miles for people who wont even move an inch for me...but just let me mention this to anyone, then im in the wrong...i just feel like i cant voice any shortcomings to anyone and im made out to be the bad guy for doing this....whether its my parents or my sisters...id do everything for them, and i do everything for them, even things they dont ask me for...but let me raise an opinion that doesnt resonate with them, and it turns into an argument and if i decide to step out before things get sour, im still made out to be the bad guy cos how dare i do something so rude....i just feel like no1 wants to listen to me at all...for my last birthday i tried staying away from my family and decided to work on a few movies with my friends and i had fun, we arent the closes friends but, campus friends...theyre actually in a whole other faculty..so we just barely know eachother but we’ve worked on movies before and thats kinda our history together as friends....so its my birthday and i agreed to work with them on this day...all day..from like 7am until almost 10pm..and my family, not communicating with me, decides to go out for supper for my birthday...and just expects me to leave this project im working on for them...so they invite people to join them for this birthday supper...without having me there...anyways after i finished my day shooting, i was pretty smug about working instead of spending the day with my family...and on the last few moments of my birthday my sister makes a shitty comment, wanting me to shut the fuck up cos she doesnt have the energy to listen to my voice..it really broken my heart, how my whole birthday was spoilt in moments....wish she couldve just waited a tiny bit longer...i wouldve been happy with that..but naa...no1 wants to listen to anything i have to say, let alone have me around in their presence....i just feel like starting a new life somewhere else...and thats kinda what i had planned...

really thought i was going to leave south africa and immigrate to australia to go sound study there...filled in all the paper work...spoke back-and-forth with the uni over there and they extended the communication so long, i thought things were set...seemed like i was so close to getting the big change ive been seeking for so long...but they sent me this stinky ‘ol email with extra modules id have to do and the tuition fees went from $11,000 to $35,000 which is ridiculous as my countries currency isnt australian dollars and is 10 units weaker than theirs...never in my life have i ever felt like money defined my life...lits had my life in limbo cos i was waiting for responses from this people...and when i finally got a response it was too late to apply at the local college...idk what im doing this year...i tried looking for work online, but no response...made ads for work on fiverr...tried upwork, tried quickengig...even rev...all these sites people advertise as quick ways to make money....a bunch of lies...i made $0, 3 weeks going now. nothing. i even invested in making a business logo, wrote descriptions...adjusted my ads multiple times...still...blue ticks from the online work field...i applied for jobs ive seen on indeed and on gumtree and jobfinder....but no response...nothing...blue ticked...ima say luckily im working part-time for this events company and its kinda an opportunity to network with the sound industry but the live sound industry is filled with racist pricks who patronize you when you’ve done the time to learn the work they know...so no work online freelancing, no work applying for work..no work physically meeting people...really makes me feel like this isnt a viable option for me...cant even study locally or internationally anymore...

im just so lost...alone..hurt..wish someone would save me the way ive saved others before..

[thekirstenkhaye]

A Letter to My 50-year-old Self

Dear 50-year-old Kirsten,

There had been a lot of letters that were written for their younger selves, to show the younger ones that all the things they were about to do (good or not-so-good) would lead them to where and who they are that moment the letter was constructed — quite older, and let’s say in a better state of life. You loved those kind of letters. There were joyous ones, the cheerful kind. But there were also the heart wrenching ones, the type that left you with tear stains on your cheeks.

Until one day, reading those kind of letter made you sick of how they were — so free of everything that life may throw at them. You just realized one day that these letters were no good for you. For someone like you, at least. You didn’t need assurance that every single thing is going to be alright anymore. What you needed was a letter to remind you that you can do everything for anything you want to happen in your life.

So you thought of writing a letter for your 50-year-old self.

Writing was your way of filling the void you got to know that will forever be a part of you. There wouldn’t be loopholes, so far while you’re writing this down, it’s really the only way. You learned how to love your own company and writing was the best you could do when you wanted to be alone and be productive at the same time. Probably reading a book, too, but that only worked when you needed to escape reality for a while. However, you did have times when you want to absorb reality because you knew you had to. Hence writing this letter happened.

You’re writing this down as a 21-year-old woman that you so proudly dared to be. And you are one heck of a proud 21-year-old woman, you know. Because your 21-year-old self is apparently better now than your 16-year-old one, just like what those letters that have had been written and have read said.You may not be like any 21-year-olds now in 2016, but you’re good. You don’t worry that much, and you’re proud of yourself for that. All you wanted now is tokeep going….doing things for those dreams of yours. And through this letter I decided to write, I wish that you have accomplished things that your 21-year-old self has in mind to be done in a span of less than three decades.

Almost 30 years, eh? It has been awhile, hasn’t it? I hope you’re doing well. I hope you’re still keep on going—for your dreams, or just with life in general. I would want you to, and I know that you know that. Because even how hard life might be right now for you… YOU’RE A STRONG PERSON and you can get through anything life may throw at you. Okay? Always remember that. Maybe you’ve forgotten already, that’s why I’m reminding you.

I hope that you’ve at least finished a college degree by now. Any degree would do, right? That’s your ultimate goal. For your family mostly. To give them something to be proud of, education wise. However, in case you haven’t, your 21-year-old self hopes you’d still want to. Because screw your age, woman! EDUCATION IS TIMELESS! I hope you still understand that. I hope you’d believe your 21-year-old self when she says, YOU CAN STILL DO IT. Don’t give up, woman! Okay? Remember why you’ve wanted to get a degree in the first place–for yourself.

Anyways, I’m sure you’ve probably got to graduate college. Shhhhsh. I’m so doubtful of your determination and capabilities, your 21-year-old self is so sorry for that moment of doubtness. You’re still in a work of progress with that matter today so I wish, whatever you are doing now, it may be a career out of the degree you’ve gotten or something related to what your 21-year-old self is passionate of that never worn off through time—I seriously hope that you’re not doubting yourself and actually proud of this thing you’re doing now. Whatever it is, I’m sure you’ve chosen it for a reason, and it is for the better. So please, self, don’t put yourself down and be proud. Okay? You’re finally doing something more than being an extra luggage of any family’s home! You’ve accomplished your dreams now and that’s a huge thing to be proud of. Remember that!

By the way, gorgeous self, I hope you’ve got to travel too. At least you’ve ticked off some from your bucket list now. Oh! I hope you’ve went to Taj Mahal already. I bet you cried when you finally saw it in person. But if you haven’t went yet… damn, woman, what are you still waiting for? A guy to take you there? Well, stop waiting already and just go! Oh my goodness, what have happened to you, my dear self if you are actually waiting for that reason? You’re successful! If you have the money to go, JUST GO FOR GOODNESS SAKE! I thought you’ve learned enough already to not expect from any guy for such things to do. I’m literally shaking my head now with how ridiculous this is, if you could only see.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Since you’ve already traveled, I hope you’re living on your own now. I hope you at least have your own apartment, if not your dream house. But in case you are now reading on your nook, in your loft house then I must say, you rock, 50-year-old self! I have no words to explain how proud I am with you right now. It probably doesn’t have the peace, love and happiness sign, though. It may not have also those crafty lights you’re 21-year-old self wishes to have decorated her house. And you most likely don’t have a garden but a garage for your car. I just hope that it isn’t any guy’s car you’re dating though. Because ewghh, where did the dog or cat your 21-year-old self wanted to accompany her?

I wish you did not change your mind about having your own library of books, though. That would be heavenly, and I’m sure you’re enjoying it as much as your 21-year-old self does whenever she thinks about it becoming a reality. However or whatever your own place looks like now, all I’m just hoping now is for it to be real and not just be there building itself in your daydreams. If you really do not have one yet, though, it’s okay. But I hope you’re already doing something about it. Because, again, remember why you wanted to have one in the first place – for yourself.

Speaking of dreams and reality. Remember that dream of yours of having your own castle? I mean, if Daenerys has been pushing her right to be the queen of the seven kingdoms; you on the other hand, proclaimed herself as queen and built yourself to be one as the time passed by. The queen who deserves to be one, because she earned it and not because of some monarchy rules that should be followed—because you treat people with respect and kindness that is right from your heart. Although let’s give it to Dany for being somehow like the queen you would have wanted to be. But still, YOU ARE A QUEEN! No matter what, you are a queen, alright? Now please bear this in mind if it ever slipped. Act like a queen, while having the castle in your mind. It’s your ultimate dream.

But then again, things change, don’t they? So I can’t really call you out on anything. Things are going fast paced now but not in a way you wouldn’t want it in the future though. Somehow it’s just there in front of you, a door (never seen coming and never expected to come anymore but came anyway) you decided to open and enter ahead than doing it later on. You are somehow scared now, yes. But risks are what makes life worth living, right? And by now, you are confident that wherever you are in now is what’s right for you. And most importantly, YOU ARE HAPPY AND CONTENT – with dreams to pursue still.

I’m sorry if this has been such a crap piece so far. You’re probably better now in this craft and cringing with all the things written on here. I hope you at least did something about this, though and never stopped along the way because of insecurities. I hope all the negative comments of your mind did not bring you down.

You are now in your own shell – with your splendid thoughts and illustrious views of life.

And yes, I used a present tense linking verb there because I want you to remember that and own it again if you’re somewhere far from this self your 21-year-old’s mind and heart loves. I need you to continue loving yourself even now that you’re half a century old, with or without having got to achieve everything you’ve planned for your life when you were still starting to get back on your feet again. Remember that life wasn’t easy for you. It took you tons of courage to let yourself learn how to conquer depression every time it hits you, massive amount of effort to battle every anxiety match and win over your fears of what might awaits you for your newly given life.

And that helped you a lot.

Whatever you’ve done in those 29 years, they happened because you made them happen. You know, I am confident that you could and would actually get all the things your 21-year-old self wants you to have in your life now while I’m writing this, but if there’s anything that I wasn’t worried about you if you ever reach this age and still not having done everything from the ideal… it’s that you would never let yourself do things that wouldn’t make you happy. So bear this in mind, wherever you are now in state of life, I’m sure it is this way for a reason and you are happy all the same.

Just keep on keeping on!

Happy Birthday, Kirsten!

Lots and lots of love,

Your 21-year-old Self

PS: You’re already 22 years old now by the time you got this up on your blog because, well, life happens and I just hope though that this 22-year-old woman that you were who proofread and edited this piece actually did a great job on it.

#birthday #letter #self #21 #22 #50 #gift