#and wth that realization will be able to seek help or find a way to escape it by himself now that he has realized that he does | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

biterflies · 7 months

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the wizard in my dnd campaign turned another players character into a frog for one reason or another using polymorph (not that serious, has happened before and is an on going joke, all players think its funny and dont mind) but my new character percivil who has talked with the party maybe three or four times previous to this interaction and decides to lecture the wizard about usage of magic on allies and getting consent to use magic on allies and kinda just consent in general. the rogue then pops up like "careful he might turn you into a frog" (joke from the player cause as i said, ongoing joke) and percivil responds "better to be a frog then not stand against injustice" and like. hes so knightly and noble and heroic which is how he is supposed to be being a yknow, knight and all. but he has also been a official knight for like a few months at best. he is a rookie knight he was a squire like last year he is brand new and yet he is talking to the wizard who is like really really powerful ( dont want to get into naming feats because we would be here all day but like. he SOLO'D a DRAGON once) like this because he has such a code regarding this. and also he is DEEPLY uncomfortable about the wizards simulacrum because the idea of a magical duplicate of someone freaks him out deeply but when the simulacrum asked for him to protect it after hearing something (it is the wizards FORTH simulacrum and is afraid of meeting its horrible demise like the previous ones because the wizard likes to give the simulacrums personalitys) he protected it without a thought and the only damage he took that entire combat was from jumping infront of hits meant for the simulacrum (another knight from his order was able to jump in front of hits and take the damage himself if he was close enough to the person the hit was meant for so we translated that to percy as a thing all knights can do) because he so deeply knightly that he will even protect things that unsettle him and are by definition not actually real (its made of snow. its a duplicate of a person and as it says in the text of the spell NOT REAL) because he is doesnt actually understand what a simulacrum is and also because he is of the belief that if someone asks for protection you protect them and even if you do not like someone it does not exempt them from this. and hes just so KNIGHTLY and GOOD and i LOVE HIM.

#his rants about proper consent to the wizard hit so hard considering he is in a forced engagement #and a forced engagment to a MAGE no less #she is literally a noble who has connections in the tower of high sorcery where mages go to LEARN magic #and she used her noble blood and connections to force him to get engaged to her #without a choice on his part #and yet he is so in his idea of chivalry that he doesnt think he can speak ill of his fiancee #because that would be disrespecting of his spouse and he is firmly against that #nevermind the fact that he DIDNT WANT TO BE HER SPOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE #and if he saw someone else in his position he would speak and argue and cajole on their behalf until his throat was raw and red from overus #and yet #he refuses to complain because he is of the impression there is some sort of duty he has to her #point being percivil is in a DEEPLY unhealthy relationship where his consent is never asked before ANYTHING #and even better is that out party wizard actually DOES respect it #once he made it known that magic being used on him without forewarning and oppertunity to give consent was a big no #the party wizard made a point to ASK him and make him aware before hand #point being percy is going on this adventure and when he comes back he should hopefully be able to escape his horrible relationship #because he will realize that his situation is still just as wrong when it happens to him as it is when it happens to others #and wth that realization will be able to seek help or find a way to escape it by himself now that he has realized that he does #infact #need to leave this situation #dnd #my dnd characters

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zhuhongs · 3 years

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なんか私の想いが溢れ出した. i went out with some friends last night and every time i go out i always realize just how bad i am at communicating and how bad I am with people. (long meandering post under the cut. feel free to ignore its unfocused and long.. like 2k words under there)

I’ve mentioned this before but I don’t really talk much irl. I don’t talk, I can’t connect properly. Every time I’m out with people I just feel fundamentally, like… different. So a group of my irls friends plus me were going to the movie theatre and I personally really hate movie theatres. I knew we were going to one and prepared myself thinking “oh it’ll be fine bc you'll be with friends, just enjoy their company '' But god I really hate movie theaters. It’s been so long, i forgot how much I really really hated them. They’re so loud and bright. I’d much rather watch a movie at home but tbh I also just don’t like movies bc I can’t sit through them and I can’t focus and I don’t get invested easily and I need to be doing something with my hands at all times. To make matters worse, my friend's friend that I really don’t like came along. I just, I don’t like her. She’s just too loud and attention seeking and childish. Like she says things for a reaction, like rlly not okay things sometimes and I just can’t stand her. like we went to see godzilla vs king kong and then entire movie she kept YELLING "IF THEY DONT KISS I WANT MY MONEY BACK" and i was like... you are 21 yrs old oh my god.. this isnt ur tumblr blog in middle school. shut up. But here’s the thing, I don’t know how to tell her or anyone that. Like I just can’t figure out a good way to say it, so I put up with it. Things like this just make me feel incredibly annoyed. I always talk on here about how if I have an issue with anyone, I’ll just say it like an adult. But in face to face situations I just don’t know how to say things. Well I do know how to say it - it’d be easy. I just hate having to do it. Like I don't have to say the whole thing about how I don’t like her but when she says like “simp” when she’s nonblack I could just be like. “Hey don’t say that, here’s why” and I’m sure she’d stop. Yet I can’t bring myself to have that one moment of discomfort to tell her to stop yelling in my ear or stop saying things that make me annoyed. I feel useless in a way. ちゃんとできない。ちゃんと伝えない。During the entire movie I was thinking to myself that I’d rather be home watching a drama by myself and doing hw. I also hate going out for other reasons. I hate being seen. I hate my appearance. I know I don’t have to be pretty, I only need to exist for me. Like wow, I just have so many body image issues, and they all manifest heavily as soon as I go out in public.

But afterwards I changed my mind a bit. There was a moment where we were outside running around in the street and it reminded me of that one scene in AIB episode one with Chota, Karube, and Arisu in the street and I was rlly like… wow… maybe human connection really is good. It doesn’t matter if I’m pretty or good at talking, sometimes, to laugh and be silly wth others is all you need to make your night. Just one moment, just one person really is all it takes. We all went out for dinner afterwards and it was really really fun. I enjoyed it, there really is something about eating with someone that brings you closer to them.

The entire time though, I didn’t talk much. I don’t really know when to cut in in a conversation to a point where it feels right. I feel like by saying my piece I’m interrupting others just to say something that wasn’t really of any use. Really, I prefer silence with others. I’m bad at talking in social situations but I’m great at talking in classes and at work because of the context. Because I’m expected to engage there. The pretense is different. Like you’re supposed to contribute in those places. It’s acceptable to talk there. But for me, it doesn’t really feel acceptable to just share about myself like that in a social group setting. I wish I could always communicate like how I am doing here. It’s so much nicer online. I get to post my full complete thoughts without bothering any of you. My words can easily be disregarded and just flipped through. It’s passive. Posting is passive, talking is active. And sometimes, people don't really want to talk to others, they just want to say their piece. Like when talking about their problems, often we just want to say it and the act of saying those words is all we need. We don’t want input, it annoys us. I don’t like to cut in, and I can never find the right words to say. Even right now, none of this feels like it’s coming out correctly. None of my words feel like they’re coming out correctly nowadays, but this is the only way I know how to be. If I can’t post my thoughts on here, even if they come out crooked and ugly, I may never speak again. I have to keep talking, and typing, and trying otherwise I’ll never get any better. And I know it’s okay to do things wrong, but still, I can’t let myself do that. Again, I do fine when I’m at work and school. I’m functional, normal, you would never be able to tell how much is going on in my head. But in private, I may never speak again if I wasn’t spoken to.

When I was younger, around 12 or 13, I remember something a friend posted on my first online community. They posted, quite honestly, that they never wanted to meet anyone on there irl. No matter how close we are, it would never be the same IRL. I didn’t get that sentiment at the time. To me, why wouldn’t you want to see your friends everyday in person? That would be great. But I think I get it now. I’m afraid that if I ever met any of you someday it wouldn’t be the same. I’m not really the same in person. I’m bad at talking, bad at connecting. I’m not a proper person. But I feel like that’s okay. It’s okay to just exist on here as I am. While my friend was talking to me on our drive back to her place (we carpooled) she was telling me about her life. And she was apologizing like “oh I’m sorry I keep talking about myself” but quite honestly I was glad to just be able to listen. At some point my friend kept asking me what was up so I decided maybe I’ll tell them the arcane secrets of how I’ve been into guardian and how all the characters rlly hit for me for personal reasons. That was really the only thing I thought that was of note to tell her about. Really I don’t think I’ve done or felt much new since I last talked to her. But as I was trying to explain I just wasn’t doing it right. She just didn’t get it and trying to talk about something like that just made me embarrassed to the point where I just dropped it and tried to just say, “oh yea, you got it, that’s it.” and move along bc I didn’t think she’d get it. She’s the type that doesn’t really get how you can make meaningful connections online. So whenever I try to talk to her about certain things, it just doesn’t register. I’ve learned to choose my battles. I didn’t really think she wanted to get it. So I didn’t tell her. I tried telling her about stuff I liked in the past and I just always stop halfway through. I can’t communicate properly. I can’t speak in a way that I think is worthy of being heard. So I don’t talk. It frustrates me to no end. It feels like everyone else can do it so easily, that I’m the wrong one.

I had another friend from Uni message me about something and she was like “so what’s new with you, twin” (we have similar bdays and get along well so we call each other that) and tbh I just, didn’t know what to tell her. I had talked to her in a long time, so things had happened but nothing so easily said that I could just tell her over text. SO I just was like “work, school, yk how it is” and yea. I really am the one choosing not to let people in. It frustrates me to no end but I don’t know what a good starting point is ever. I feel like I should just send all my IRLS my long reflection essays next time they wanna know what's up. All the secrets to why I am the way I am are in there.

I’m scared of telling people how I feel about anything. IRL when I say something I often speak quietly, moreso like I’m only talking to myself. People often don’t hear what I had to say. And I don’t repeat myself. If it was something someone didn’t hear, in my head, that means that it wasn’t important enough to repeat. I’m afraid of talking and being misunderstood and never being able to be interpreted the way I mean. I want to convey all my thoughts correctly the first time. So i don’t repeat myself, not bc I’m mad at the person who didn’t hear me. It’s not about them, it’s about me. I don’t believe my words to be worth repeating. I don’t want anyone to stop the conversation for me. Just keep going, it won’t come out the right way anyways. I was taking a uquiz a week or so ago and one question was “what power do you want” and one option was smth like the power of comprehension. Which would make it so every time you spoke, that person would understand you the way you intended. That is the most ideal power for me to ever possess like it was unreal. I’m still thinking about that quiz. It was good.

I know that I’m worth being listened to and that my words are valuable enough to be heard but I don’t want to do that. I’d rather listen. I only like talking when it’s safe like it is here. I’m trying my best to get better though. I keep saying that I want to be a proper adult. I want to live right and without regrets and i really think communication is key to that. I’m trying. It’s hard but I’m trying. But still, I can only talk here a lot. I can’t talk any other way. I don’t tell my friends about my interests, it embarasses me to no end.

Being on here is comforting though. When I talk about stuff like this, I always see a lot more people than usual like my post. I feel like you can all relate. Really, people are more similar than not. We all have very similar burdens and pains and baggage. It’s comforting, I'm not alone. My words might be able to help someone. Because when all of you talk about the same things, i also feel seen and comforted and since we are so similar, then the same is true for the things I say.

But anyways, I did a lot of listening tonight, and it reflects the sentiment above. People are the same. I was listening to my friend’s friend talking about her mom earlier and the entire time, I really resonated with what she was saying. I got it. Her mom’s situation was really similar to my own mom’s situation in the past. And I was just amazed at how I barely knew this girl but I felt really similar to her. I saw her differently after learning all that. It was really a great thing. ANd on the way home, my friend was telling me about her life recently and some things andi really understand what she was going through. I didn’t say anything, because again, I don't like to interrupt. And when I try and be like ‘oh me too, it's the same for me too” I feel like I’m derailing. I know I’m not but I really think she needed to say her piece. So I let her. But the entire time, I thought about the things in my life that were the same as what she was feeling and it was beautiful. Life and human bonds are beautiful. Even when they are hard and messy and annoying, people all want the same things. They want to be loved and seen and understood. And in those moments when we feel seen, it’s worth more than any of those complicated feelings that come along with it. Not to be cheesy but wow… in order to reap the rewards of being loved, you really do need to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known. I was glad I didn’t stay home watching a drama. I was glad that I went out. No matter how alienated I feel from others, there’s still merit in being around other people. No matter how much others may misunderstand you and annoy you, they are almost always worth more than being alone. That;s because deep down, we’re all the same.

I’m not good at reminding myself that. As I said here, I don’t let people see me. I don’t let people in, I’d rather keep them out. I’m a picky, boring person. I don’t like people easily and I don’t tell them much. I stay inside my own head and I don’t like to come out. I was raised that way. But people are worth it. Communication is worth it, no matter how hard. It’s all worth it. I need to try harder so I can be a person who is able to see and enjoy more beauty in this world. I spent my hr long drive home listening to music and ruminating on these thoughts, trying to plan out all the words I wanted to say here. I don’t think I said any of it right. I’m not satisfied with how I write nowadays. But writing, talking, conveying emotions, all of these things are worth doing. So no matter how crooked and awkward it comes out, I will keep doing it. It is my goal.

#🐌.txt #i wrote this last night bc i had a lot of thoughts driving home and the entire time i was out but they didnt translate well to type #i tried fixing it this morning and its still just off and im sock at reading it so into the void it goes #honestly i could make a playlist to describe my emotiona better at this point but ill never listen to those songs again.. ita just the like #uesterdays vibe #anyways good morning tho.. im gonna make a cup of coffee and take a shower now #i love u all im glad ur here

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zenosanalytic · 6 years

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Zenofriend did you see the New Amplified Official Homestuck Personality quiz????? what are!!! your thoughts!!!

Ok! This is VERY LATE, but I am finally ready to give My Extended Zodiac Thoughts. This is Long :|:

First off, I found the possible answers really limited and limiting. For example #7 -Which option best describes what’s more important to you? Understanding yourself, and fully knowing who you are? Or thinking rationally, and making strong decisions?-is a false choice/dichotomy. Leaving aside the questionable adjective-choice of “strong”(I mean: wth does a “strong” decision even mean???), rational decisions require information, and the more the better; specifically, they require knowing yourself. To make a “rational” choice is to make a choice from reasoning, which is to say “based on reasons” using “Reason”(working from one point to that which it implies). If you are unaware of yourself and your interiority -your biases, your wants, your tendencies, your susceptibilities, your emotions, your impulses, your psychological needs, etc- then you can’t make rational decisions because you aren’t aware of, and aren’t considering, how the “irrational” architecture of your personality and behavior could be influencing your reasoning, nor are you making explicit(to yourself or others) the full set of potential reasons for why you are making the decision the way you are. Indeed, not only are these two NOT opposite extremes and NOT mutually exclusive, they are mutually Necessary. Just as one must “know thyself” to rationally know the world and rationally navigate it, so too must one be able to look at oneself rationally -to dispassionately assess oneself as a subject, as if with the eyes of another; judging your behavior, wants, and biases as a stranger might- to “understand yourself and fully know who you are”. Meaning to do good is irrelevant if you do harm and, if your concept of “good” requires the harm of another, then obviously they will not judge you as “good” and you will not be good, regardless of how you feel about it. The true answer to this question is that you can’t achieve either without achieving both, but that doesn’t fit into the simplistic(and sadly too common in Euroculture) Manichean dualism this quiz is built around -in this instance that emotion/interiority is the opposite of “Reason”/Intellect. And, more broadly, that the specific/practical and general/ideal are at odds- and so it isn’t a choice.

Many of the available answers to the questions are equally limited; some by false dichotomy, some by, just, insufficient choice-scope:

In #6: what if the result sought by the project is learning the process???

In #2: what if you prefer to help people learn through the Socratic method; by asking questions? Are you showing them, in that you are modeling for them the process of reasoning their way to an answer with the information available to them, or are you encouraging them, in that you are asking them to collate the information they have and extrapolate from it and doing so non-explicitly?

#1: what if you see yourself as a protagonist of your story, but also understand that everyone sees themselves as the protagonist of their own story? What if you see “Society” as the emergent, evolutionary outcome of an inevitable “Egotism of Being” coming into contact with innumerable iterations of Self? What if you conceive of your existence as fundamentally lonesome but also of society not as a natural and essential aspect of environment, but as a natural and essential aspect/expression of personality, such that the equal personhood of all “characters” is inescapable, such that “lonesomeness” is a social act/choice just as much as “ensembleness”, and such that “protagonism” can only be understood as a purely narrative conceit and choice? These povs don’t really fit with the choices available.

#3: can’t it be both things? Can’t mystery inspire you to both learn and invent? Can’t learning lead to the realization of new mysteries, which is part of why Curiosity is so satisfying to you in the first place?

#8: to understand the consequences of your behavior is to understand your potential; to understand your potential is to understand what consequences your behavior can effect.

#9: What if your strong convictions are precisely what drives you to deconstruct arguments which said convictions deem inaccurate, limited, and poorly reasoned? What if you deconstruct arguments not because you find them particularly offensive, but because you hold a strong conviction that “Knowledge” is much more difficult or complicated than people tend to think it is, ala Socrates, or even impossible to attain by your own efforts, ala Medieval Christendom and anti-empiricism? “Can’t Decide” implies an ambiguity, indecisiveness, and moral disinterest in the question that would be inaccurate to these mindsets.

#10: doesn’t choosing “burn it all down” imply that one considers “burning it all down” to be a “better” state than the status quo? Wouldn’t it, then COUNT, as “A Plan” and “something better” waiting in the wings??

#11: what if your desire to help others is driven by an instinctive empathy and moral-revulsion towards situations which cause suffering, and allowing suffering to continue? The answers frame the choices as in opposition and empathy as something either to prevent or which prevents action, rather than compelling it.

Ok I’ll stop, but you get the idea.

Second, I thought the lean of each question was really obvious; to the point that you could practically score each available answer along a scale between the two binary choices the question engaged with(probably because this is exactly how the test works). The result of this is that the Test is easily gamed, and thus not really “impartial” or “rigorous” in any way. This is somewhat complicated by the test’s Built in Biases(Hat Tip to @the-awkward-goldfish for chasing this down), which basically require you to “no opinion” every non-Aspect-related questions to get anything “below” Light, but even that just goes to show how partial and contrived the test is, and thus how bad an assessment of one’s “Nature”, or affinity to the Aspects as presented in canon, it provides.

Which, you know, OBVIOUSLY -it really isn’t MEANT to be those things(well, one could reasonably expect it to be decent at Aspect-Affinity)- but this is a central problem of “personality tests” in general, and I’m going to rant about it for a second. When a test asks about The Thing it appears to be asking about, Social Animals will give it either a)the answer they think it wants, b)the answer they feel fulfills their social “role” in the test/situation, c)the answer they would like to be true about themselves(or would like you to think is true about them), or d)the answer they feel creates the least social stress in the situation, rather than an honest answer. Similarly, test-makers will, with stupefying regularity, render their own biases implicit within the tests they create if collaboration and strict oversight are not a part of the test design process. This is because Social Animals are Social Animals, and part of being Social Animals is 1)a near-instinctive awareness of The Rules of whatever Social “Game” happens to be being playing at any moment, and 2)an instinctive desire to project ones personal “Rules” onto the world[1]. This makes gaining an honest assessment of Social Animals(and even asking Honest Questions about them), independent of their own objectives and social assumptions, difficult. This is why modern psych studies are neither upfront about what they’re really studying, nor obvious in their design, and why the question of Method and Test-Design is so important to the field.

None of this matters when personality tests are seen as just A Fun Thing to Play With, but unfortunately lots of people take them really seriously(I will not speculate as to why), so I kinda feel like the huge biparagraphic spiel above about social psychology and why it means personality tests are A Crock is sort of necessary. Though, Ironically and completely tangentially, this also all means that the ominous and impenetrable Voight-Kampff machine and Turing Test it is used to administer from Bladerunner are actually closer to what an “accurate” psychological test should look like than most of the “personality tests” people are familiar with.

Third, I found the Test really unsatisfying from a canon-perspective. Some of them fit, others kind of fit but with important provisos, and others are just wildly far off. For example:

Sagittarius. Equius might count as an enthusiast, but inconstant? His interests are long-term and rigid. Expansive? He is self-effacing to the point of suicide. Magnetic? Everyone but Nepeta and Gamzee find him repulsive(though Aradia is attracted, at times, by her disgust for him). Rebellious? 8/ Optimistic? 8/ 8/ Surprising? 8/ 8/ 8/ Not Knowing his own Strength? He obsesses over it. Skeptical? He accepts Alternian Convention without question or complaint(Aradia being the notable semi-exception). Secretive? While he doesn’t put himself forward, neither does he keep his opinions -no matter how offensive- to himself, ever. A stronger argument could be made for this description fitting Roxy, but even then she’s rather single-minded and constant in her interests and feelings, and, contra the description of Derse-dreamers, not terribly self-aware, as symbolized by her dream-self -a metaphor for her self-knowledge- being asleep, albeit ambulatory, until she dies(minus seeing Rose once). Her most important arcs are about seeking answers, not accepting mysteries(Rose and Calliope).

Sagiries&Sagipia: Again, the Sagittarius description, specifically the “enthusiast” and “inconstant” bits, don’t really fit either Dave or Rose. While they ARE “enthusiastic” about their interests, those interests are rather constant, focused, and rather than trying to teach or pull others into those interests, they display them through creative endeavor. “Derse” fits them both pretty well, minus the “self-awareness”, and their approach to hiding insecurity is the opposite of “self-deprecating humor” and “false humility”; they do it through “evincing hyper-competence” and “false arrogance”. Dave is certainly a “Fighter”, but against Fighting, and while he can be goal-oriented he much prefers perambulation, even to the point of contributing to problems which he then must rush to fix. Really I’d say the description for Space fits him better than Time(though this Time description entirely ignores the repeated recycling/recontextualizing/remixing theme in Time characters in HS). Light fits Rose better, but it ignores how her interest in mystery and the unexplained drives her interest in learning, how personal and not “for its own sake” her seeking is, and how actual knowledge can petrify her if she is in the wrong place emotionally.

Sagigo: This is nitpicking, but I wouldn’t describe Jade as “careless”, and she, mostly successfully, struggles to remain tactful in the face of universe-ending levels of buffoonery and extra-amphibian-interference.

Leo: Again, Nitpicking, but I don’t think Nepeta can be described as having herself as her “favorite subject”. I think the rest fits well though

Gemini: Sollux isn’t preachy, nor railroady in conversation, nor difficult to understand, and his interests -at least what we see of them- are all about computers, networks, and the internet. The description of Doom I’m iffy on: it certainly describes him, but his willingness to drop everything and dedicate himself to a project he believed would save his planet, even though he hates it, doesn’t really fit with it.

Pisces: “Forget to actually do things”, “enigmatic”, “recalcitrant”(i.e., not being open about their feelings), “worrier”, and “trouble with follow-through”, are not things I would describe Feferi with. Meenah clashes even worse with this description.

Scorpio: “Blue Signs are the ones to watch”? Yes for Vriska, Aspirational for Aranea. “Those bound to the aspect of Light are the universe’s knowledge-seekers. They are, above all, driven to learn and understand”? “learn about it” certainly, but I don’t think either Vriska or Aranea feel any real impulse to understand anything. They’re more about hoarding information and manipulating it to their advantage/purposes, and Vriska’s interest in knowledge is highly selective, personal, and instrumental. “Marked by a flexible optimism”? For a given, and extremely idiosyncratic, definition of “optimism”; and provided it allows for bouts of deep negativity, and an intense, arrogant cynicism about the world and others. “They have a mask for every occasion”?More so for Aranea given he secretiveness about herself, but Not Really for either of them as Aranea really just has the one. “They often resent those they see as more well-positioned than they are”? This fits Aranea well, but I never got the sense Vriska was envious of her “social betters”; she seemed to be more envious of people with healthier relationships to less overbearing Lususes, and who had an easier time forging relationships.

I’m not going to go through all of these obvsl. There are those -like John’s, Terezi’s, and Kanaya’s- that fit near-to-perfectly, and those -like Eridan’s- that fit thematically while being wildly off-base on the specifics, but mostly I found them disappointing.

Fourthly, I object to it aesthetically. The signs are well designed; what I mean is that I very much dislike the idea that this is a complete Troll Symbology. If it were, it would make the Troll world and society much smaller and less creative than I would like it to be. There’s not enough signs here for a population as large as the Trolls would need to support a galaxy-spanning empire, and certainly not enough for sign-repetition in the context of such a vast population to be so rare as to become a mythical sign of genetic reincarnation. There’s not enough room here for imagination and invention. Part of what I liked about the Homestuck Fandom, and still like, is the empty places in it for the fandom to fill in. Presenting this as a complete list of signs, based on a complete Hemospectrum(and yes, I also object to the canon Trolls having the only canon blood-colors; minus Lime which apparently Karkat is now, which doesn’t make any sense[2]), makes the Homestuck Universe a far, far, smaller pond to swim in, which is less fun from a fan perspective.

And it also, through the “True Sign” designations, makes the canon Trolls far larger and more obvious fish than they(minus Feferi and Kanaya) ought to be. If the rest of the signs are seen as derivative of the “True Signs”, as the phrase and the EZ’s naming conventions imply, and the signs are associated with specific ancestors, then it’s reasonable to assume that the Ancestors associated with those signs would be seen as “Truer”, or perhaps more Significant and Primary to Troll History, than the ancestors of the other signs. Those who inherited them would then be inheriting not just the unfinished business of their immediate predecessor, but a historical heritage that every Troll would be taught to consider “Truer” and “More Significant” to Trolldom than that of the other signs. I don’t like this idea. The Betas were hardly social coded in a way that would have made them completely representative of Earthican culture, so why would the Trolls? And also: why wouldn’t any of the signs bear any resemblance to their writing? But this is getting into worldbuilding :T

So, basically, I think it’s a fun thing to play around with. But, I also find it a bit inconsistent, more than a bit biased, a bit limited, somewhat backwards and somewhat derivative(all signs derived from 12 prefixes and suffixes, themselves derived from the Earth-Zodiac, which was only made up of the signs of those Trolls who played The Game? Really??). As additional fan-fodder, it’s ok; as something comprehensive that invalidates fan-signs and fan-theories, I take exception.

[1]a weird sort of “Personification”. Coincidentally, we also see this in philosophy, where the pronouncement that moral decisions “declare a rule for all” can be found from Kant to Sartre.

[2]”Candy-Red Blood” is a mutation. It isn’t natural. Which is to say: It doesn’t fit into the Hemospectrum. The “Signless” had no sign because of this. So the idea that it would be the “True” Cancer symbol, rather than a later addition so insignificant that the breeding-bureaucracy didn’t even notice when it was snuck into the registry, is doubly ludicrous. Also: Why would the breeding registry 1)not notice a new Lime sign being added when the Lime Bloods were exterminated, and 2) not immediately destroy the grub when it was assigned the sign of a blood-caste registered for extermination? How is giving a mutant blood a caste-sign that would get them immediately destroyed any better than them not having one??

#witchknights #Homestuck #The Extended Zodiac #HS Analysis #zA's Pompous Philosophizing #ask replies

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mikanrulz · 7 years

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I legit don't get how Nina only remembers azazel when he's right in front of her or doesn't even think about the fact that he's angry with her after he stormed away. I kinda just want him to be mad at her forever. Seven or eight episodes ago I thought Nina would have tons of development she would go through. I started strong with azanina a few months ago but that's not the same Nina I was expecting. I want azazel to dump her ass so she realizes how limited her perception is. Too lil too late :)

regarding azazel + nina relationship tho,

I do think it’s always been rather one-sided on both of their parts. Er how to say this, like ships in the night thing, passing each other without actually getting through to each other? augh I wish I was better with words :(

but basically, azanina baiting in ep 1-4 (yes, the baiting actually did happen) and nina’s lack of inconsistent characterization aside, I always feel the show always tries to put nina in an outsider’s position for azazel. and this is rather consistent until ep18.

the rundown, from azazel’s perspective:

ep1:

she’s the strong but crazy girl chasing after him; he mistakes her for mugaro but doesn’t drop her; rather than him caring about her, this is more about him doing kind things without thinking, just like when he saved favaro in ep12 genesis even tho he told favaro he didn’t know why he did it.

ep2:

tells mugaro she’d be valuable to their (Demons) cause; tries to recruit her; failed and scared her instead; you can make a case here that his tsundere-ness his pride gets in the way and makes him unable to directly ask for help; here, he basically commands nina to fight for something that nina herself doesn’t understand nor care. here, he comes off as treating her like a tool to be used.

ep3:

he doesn’t mention nina at all, doesn’t seek her help and tries to do things on his own (+ mugaro). the fact he doesn’t seek nina again tells me that he sees nina is unmoved by him in ep2, and he actually gives up on her and forgets her. it means in ep2, he actually still sees her a being with a mind of her own, and him commanding her instead of asking for her help is actually only bcs he’s a tsundere he wants to preserve whatever left of his shattered pride, and not bcs he thinks he’s better than her.

ep4:

for whatever reason she finds him and he tries to tell her to take mugaro and go; she refuses; they fall, and he puts his arms around her not necessarily bcs he cares about her but more bcs it’s just his reflex; let’s not forget, he still *thinks* she’s a demon, and so since he’s trying to go save demons anyway, save her too while he’s at it.

it’s not personal for him.

then she asks to hug him; he hesitates but complies; for me, with him still thinking she’s a demon, he probably thinks she’s afraid and only asked to be comforted; he hesitates bcs 1) he’s not one to offer comfort, 2) his pride, 3) wtf. he complies bcs wth he’s gonna die in a second anyway, might as well do something completely unlike him.

this is where he changes his mind; and the words above implies it’s bcs of her powers; but I actually disagree with this assumption. after all, he did see what her powers could do in ep1. He *knows* her dragon is powerful. This is never in doubt.

he changes his mind about recruiting her bcs she actually comes to help him without being asked.

this is *important*.

Be it demons or angels, free wills have powers, and obeying contracts/commands is mandatory. And this also applies to Azazel, bcs once he realizes he can’t get nina to agree, he leaves her alone and doesn’t do anything to force her.

He needs her *wills*.

Which is why the dragon transformation scene is the game changer for him; not bcs of the dragon herself, but bcs nina, out of her own free will, comes without being asked and actually helps the demons.

This is why in rita’s place he doesn’t ask for her agreement and goes straight to offer to control her: it’s bcs he assumes he already has it - after all, she does help them all, doesn’t she.

This is where he is totally wrong.

we know from the end of ep3 that the one she tries to save is azazel and azazel only; she tries to stop him again in ep4 bcs she doesn’t want him dying, even tho stopping him means she basically lets the other demons get beheaded. in ep4, it’s important for her that azazel doesn’t die.

Azazel, meanwhile, doesn’t see this. Keeping in mind that he still thinks her a demon, he totally assumes she’s actually trying to save the demons from getting beheaded, like he is trying to do. He assumes it’s about demons solidarity.

About the hug as control thing, he may and may not understand the significance of it, but for him, the hug probably only means as a comfort thing; like a reassurance; like the way a pat on the head is enough to reassure mugaro, he seems to think all nina needs in order to transform is a reassurance in the form of a hug. Nothing less, nothing more.

He thinks she has a self-confidence issue, when that’s not true at all.

He thinks she cares about the demons, when, again, this is not true at all.

Ep6:

he doesn’t tell her anything other than a place to meet, bcs, to refer to ep4, he *thinks* they both are already on the same wavelength, that they both have the same wish and goal: to free the demons.

He only ever appears to her to preach about saving the demons anyway, and so here, he just assumes she would understand what he refers to, without actually confirming anything.

Nina meanwhile, doesn’t get his reference or what he’s talking about bcs she never cares about the demons, they’re never on her mind, and she knows him but she doesn’t know or get what he’s thinking, and therefore she puts it out of her mind too.

Ep7:

He doesn’t get why she doesn’t come to the place he tells her to, he doesn’t get why this time being hugged is not enough to reassure her and make her transform comfortably, and he doesn’t get why she’s balking out *now* of all times. Doesn’t she want to free the demons too, like him? aren’t they on the same page? Why is she being stubborn?

And, most importantly, he doesn’t get that *she* doesn’t get him, doesn’t understand what he’s trying to do.

But even after that, he goes on his own and leaves her, doesn’t force her to do anything.

Ep8:

I’ve written a bit about ep8 for nina, but for azazel, ep8 is also where he finally lets go of his pride and asks for her help *directly*. And it’s important that till the end, he doesn’t say “help me”, he says “help mugaro,” and then “help us the demons”. He uses ‘us’ bcs he still thinks nina’s a demon too, and if nothing else, she should want to save fellow demons like her.

Him calling out her name, “nina”, is important, bcs he very, very rarely calls ppl by their names.

For all of genesis and vs, ppl who he called by name so far: pazuzu, Lucifer, Beelzebub, mugaro, nina, charioce.

He’s been calling nina ‘komusume’ or little girl, only to switch into her name in this scene, which is very telling of his desperation. He needs her to actually pay attention to him, and so he calls her by name.

Yes, at the same time, calling her by name in that place means he also indirectly condemns her and is proof that she’s an acquaintance of a terrorist; but again, he also thinks her a demon; it doesn’t matter whether ppl knows they’re related bcs by virtue of being there at all she’s already guilty, and even more if she’s a demons then she’s about to be killed like the rest of the demons.

In his head, he probably thinks they’re all gonna die anyway and so she should at least try to save herself and mugaro.

There’s no other demons there, remember. There’s only azazel, and nina and mugaro (who he thinks are demons).

By ‘us’, I really think he only means mugaro; this is esp bcs he only starts fighting again when he sees mugaro being captured by angels. He already accepts his fate, but he still wishes mugaro would get saves somehow.

Ep18

This line tho:

A total lie, bcs ep4-8 pretty much established that he did expect something out of her; he had hope for her; his entire plans revolved around her caring about demons and being able to turn into dragon.

This scene is honestly only him being tsundere 1) trying to spare her feelings, 2) trying to cover for his desperation back then and how he seemed so needy, 3) trying to establish boundary again, she and he had nothing to do with each other, she’s nothing to him, let’s continue being nothing.

He’s actually, in this scene, trying to be considerate and let her off the hook, free her of guilt.

…only to have her throw it all back on his face the moment she cheerfuly transforms into a dragon lulz

So much for being considerate

tl;dr

I know you don’t mean it that way, but it bothers me when ppl used ‘he should dump her forever’ bcs this implies they had a relationship to begin with when this is not true. His interest in her is purely, er business, so to speak. He considers her an asset even more bcs he makes a mistake and assumes she’s a demon like him when this is obviously not true.

Azazel never has romantic interest in nina.

Ep1-4 baiting aside, nina never has romantic interest in azazel.

Of course ppl are free to ship whoever they want. And honestly writing this kinda makes me missed their old interaction, even if now I don’t want her anywhere near him.

Just. er. Trying to put Azazel’s perspective out there I guess :’)

#replies #articianne #snb talks #azazel #i guess i'm just touchy with the word 'dump'#bcs nina's shoujo manga pov kinda makes it look like #as if she dumped azazel for chari #and azazel is just being pushy ex boyfriend #this kinda becomes like personal landmine for me #a pet peeve #lulz #one day i'll be able to laugh about this probably #:')#GDI THIS IS LONG

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energytraveler · 5 years

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this will be a daily exercise

i thought i was okay.

i thought i was better.

but because of my lack of being able to communicate my feelings,

its made clear that i am not okay and i am not as well off as i originally thought.

there are suppressed feelings and emotions i have yet to deal with – i’m going through life pretending like i am happy but i am not.

i am sad and angry.

i’m sad that all the people around me are struggling.

i'm angry because i want all the people around me to be succeeding.

i'm sad because i haven’t been giving myself the care that i need.

i'm angry because i haven’t been taking action on the things that matter most to me.

these things are: building my career, taking progressive action, being honest with myself, standing up for myself, having clear & healthy boundaries, creating genuine connections with people.... but i am unable to create those connections if i can’t get in touch with my feelings and understand them. I steal to feel...

i’ve numbed myself so much that it’s hard for me to really know what’s being felt or how to express it.

and i’m really fucking angry about this.

i’m bursting into tears typing this... so i know that i truly haven't come to terms with what im writing.

i want to know what's wrong with me and fix it but i cant if i keep numbing myself.

i’m angry at myself for doing this.

i try and take care of everyone else for what?

why cant i take care of myself?

what am i so scared of?

this is not anyone’s doing but my own.

i need to not only stand up to others but i need to stand up to myself.

i’m angry because to some degree, i have been telling myself that these people in my past have broken me but they haven't...

i broke myself.

i allowed them to influence me in such a way that i broke my own self down.

i am still actively doing this. i know that i need space. i neeed time to breathe. but i am subjecting myself to constant talking when i know i can’t think out loud. however, i am failing myself by not stating this to the other contributor and so i’m making an ass out of myself and in turn, him. i have to start being honest with myself so i can be honest to others.

for some reason it is difficult for me to communicate with my voice. my thoughts get jumbled and my tongue can’t move. I have to be somewhat prepared for conversation and this gives me great anxiety. it seems as if my my main cause is because i don’t want to hurt anyone or confuse anyone with what i say. i am so careful with what i say to everyone. i hate being like this. it takes away so much fucking energy from me. and why is it when i smoke some flower, i can think more clearer... why is it when i’m completely alone and not influenced by anything or anyone do i feel more at home... but i want that companion that i can fucking open up my chest cavity to. im tired of holding it all in its so fucking exhausting. but i still have fear of wrongful judgement when the one i seek is standing right in front of me trying to give me his all....

what the fuck is wrong wth me... my eyes havent stopped leaking... i wish that i could just look into those two beautiful blue pools of light of his i wish i could tell this all to him in a single look i wish i wasn’t stuck on the coast i wish i didn’t feel like i have to pretend like someone i’m not to my mom i want to be free in every single aspect of my life. in finances, in health, in family affairs, in business affairs, in personal affairs, in emotions, in thoughts, in feelings, in material posessions, in mindset, in everything... how do i get to this point? i need to start being honest with myself. i need to start paying attention to my feelings.

i need to start being straightforward with myself and stop trying to rationalize everything that happens to me. i need to do this every single day.

i’m angry that i feel like i have to put on a fake smile everywhere i go,

especially in the house i am in right now.

if i were to cry in front of my mother, she’d ask me what was wrong. i would tell her that i was just sad then it would be some competition over who’s the saddest. she has never sat down with me and tried to help justify my feelings or make a situation better for me. she has always tried to compare me to herself and for what? the only thing i ever got from that was her truly not listening to my feelings & in turn, i would become bitter and angry.

i’m angry because i feel as if i have never had a genuine connection with anyone.

and maybe that’s my fault.

i’m angry because i want all these things for myself. yet, i have not been progressively working towards bettering my life in all the aspects that need to be worked on which that is every single one – my health, my career, my feelings...

i’m angry because i should be hella motivated but yet i struggle to even make food for myself some days.

i’m angry because i want someone to hear me out but i can’t even fucking speak. i freeze. nothing goes through my mind. i struggle to find something to say and when something is said, i feel its completely inadequate of my feelings.

why am i like this?

how can i change?

what steps need to be made?

well, first, i need to reflect on my emotions and feelings daily. I can’t keep putting it off.

it’s hindering me. I can’t grow if i don’t address this daily.

i need to stop pretending like i don’t have feelings.

i need to take ownership of my thoughts & actions –

stop blaming everyone else for my insecurities and realize that if i want to grow, then i need to be bravely vulnerable. i have to see that this is all me and all of me needs to fix this and i think that’s what has been eating away at me. i have not been honest with myself. i have not been standing up for myself to myself. im manipulating my own self.

i have to stop doing that because it’s not healthy and it’s not getting me anywhere i want to be.

it’ll be a slow journey getting to where i need to be but as long as i stay focused and determined every single day, every single moment, then i will get to where i need to be.

#thoughts

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complexfemaleprotag · 7 years

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A Day Late and a DIME SHORT disprove that adage that people become too feeble to be of any use...

Welcome to the diner of the downtrodden in writer Laura Carson and Director, Krista Gano’s beautifully realized tapestry to humanity in the face of loss.

This tender drama screens October 21st as part of a slate of provocative shorts by female filmmakers at the Flicks by Chicks Film Festival!

6 PM - SHORTS BLOCK SCREENING at Alamo Drafthouse Cedars 1005 S Lamar St. Dallas (https://prekindle.com/event/33691-flicks-by-chicks-fest-dallas)

We were thrilled to find that both Laura and Krista were going to be able to fly into Dallas for the festival and we had the chance to dialogue about their film via email prior to their arrival - here’s the scoop!

FXCF: It’s really amazing to me how many characters you jam into a 10-minute short and do them all service. It’s very nuanced writing – for example a throw away line like “I’d be using my MBA” tells us in a very organic way that Laura’s character is not a career waitress, but has fallen on hard times. It’s important because it gives us a tangible reason she has so much empathy for everyone else in this diner of the downtrodden. Did you have any qualms about the amount of characters and backstories you were exploring in such a brief page count?

LAURA (Writer/Actress) One of the key themes I wanted to explore was the concept of community being critical to people who've fallen on hard times and how they might find the support they need in their neighbors. So I needed enough characters to paint a sense of community. There is also a lot of pride and shame woven into Bob's character and I wanted the reveal of his "secret" witnessed by many to deepen that wound for him.

Also a large number of characters helped me show the scope of how many people are challenged by our "new" economy in ways that might not be readily apparent to an observer. I LOVE the "diner of the downtrodden" phrase. Thank you; I'm going to steal that going forward. Yes, Donna, looks over her charges, seeking to remain "relevant" in a job that is clearly beneath her education but not beneath her humanity. Thanks for appreciating the economy and efficiency of the clues and dialogue planted to show rather than tell the story. These little bits of info are always around us, thrown away and so we don't notice them or connect them to what is the bigger story of a person's life. Like in the case of Pete, wondering what his life story might be that has him homeless yet knowledgable of Kleptocracy. Or the Young Woman's "dead dreams" comment about Bev. Or how Bob refers to the photograph of his family and says, "heartbreaking, right?" I have to give the wonderful Tim Brennen credit for improvising that line - it is perfectly in alignment with the intentional mystery of these characters. I want each viewer to make their own assumptions about what these clues could mean. So I didn't have qualms at all about several characters.

Krista (Director/Producer) I was actually excited to work with so many characters and had encouraged Laura to really make sure that each community member had a clear story of their own. We were really playing with the notion of how much we put of a front that everything is okay. Whether it be because we trying to impress, or we are in denial, or because it's too hard to ask for help, we are masters of hiding our internal worlds. Laura and I kept talking through the ways that we could show this. The written script is largely the mask we are wearing to others, while the unspoken details (just as carefully crafted) are where the internal truths leak out. So, because the idea is that we all engage in this behavior, it was important to explore that wth all the characters in varying degrees.

My favorite things to explore are relationships in groups of people....families, neighbors, etc. I love working with actors to subtly show the complexity that is inherent in those relationships. My next project, Comfort Food really looks at those same dynamics through the lens of a grieving family trying to re-connect. Working with the actors on Dime Short to show those differing layers of character was intensely fun.

FXCF: Two things are always important to me beyond the storytelling when watching a short film – really good acting and really good sound. Both were stellar in Dime Short. Okay, I have a good idea how you convinced Laura to take the part (lovely, lovely work!) but what was the process of casting for you? Everyone was just terrific. You were shooting out of LA (or at least it plays to be Colorado) and no one makes much on a short film – so, how’d you get such a great cast?

Krista (Director/Producer) Thank you, so much! What a huge compliment. Laura and Tim are both friends of mine from our time together at The Groundlings Theatre in LA. Laura had really written this script with her and Tim in mind (which was an amazing start in terms of casting). I'm now living in Denver and have a company called The Working Artist Group, which consults actors on how to move from hobbyists to working professionally in television and film. So, I know and work with a lot of local Colorado and NM actors. As Laura was writing more diner characters, I knew exactly who was right to play each one. We have some really wonderful local talent and it was important for both Laura and I to highlight them in a piece that was shot and set in small town Colorado. I think because I work with actors all the time on both their business and their craft, it gives me unique insight in working with them as a director. I was an actor, I have spent a career working with actors, and ultimately love actors and the craft. My hope is to always cast to their strengths and create spaces and opportunities for them to do great work. We were also tremendously lucky to have Jon Diack, Jennifer Anguiano and Jen Piech from Nogginsauce as producing partners because they really allowed Laura and I to drive the creative part of the ship. Thanks also for the note about the sound. My husband, Greg Upton, is a musician who hales from Texas. So, we were really blessed to have his work on this piece. Our sound guy on set, Patrick Badgley did an amazing job capturing the sound and Matthew Polis was wonderful to work with in post. I actually didn't really start to "see" a finished film until the sound came together. Those kudos go straight to that entire sound department. As a side note, Tim Brennan brought in a different take on Bob than what I initially saw in my head. I had to make the decision on set to either let him steer that character his way, or to try to negotiate something closer to my vision. I made a hard, but very clear decision to support his vision of Bob. I was watching the macro, but he was focusing on Bob in a clear, thoughtful and discerning way. As a result, we needed to change some of our plans and do some quick dancing on set, but it was really worth it. Tim Brennan imprinted something that I couldn't see on this project and ultimately re-taught me the lesson of collaborating and trusting your artistic partners.

FXCF: I love that this piece isn’t over written and it has so much humanity, depth and feeling. But much is left for the audience to assume or fill in – what inspired this piece and what are you hoping the audience takes away from the experience?

Laura (Writer/Actress)It was very intentional to paint an unfinished picture and let the audience walk away hopefully curious about these characters; turning over the clues in their minds and piecing the puzzle together. Like why Bob takes the longest pee ever.... Could that lead to a curiosity about other people in their lives? A lofty goal perhaps but I love how Krista Gano's direction made a quiet, slice-of-life film that tonally speaks to the quiet desperation of Bob. It's a gentleness with the material that I just love and it elevates it to tragedy in my mind. But with hope. A tenuous hope but hope nevertheless. The story was inspired by a vision that popped into my head many years ago of a homeless man drinking a milkshake. I have no idea why it showed up and there was no other context for it. Just a homeless man drinking a milkshake, getting lost in the goodness of it. Strangely enough, I would kind of see this image a few years later when my father was in a nursing home and required me to bring him an almost daily milkshake. It triggered that image again and that is when I started writing the script in 2010. My mother used to make me milkshakes when I was sick as a kid and the cold milk flowing over my inflamed throat, the sweetness and the richness were wonderful. Despite feeling awful, that milkshake made by Mom created a momentary physical and emotional oasis of security and "sweetness" in my life. So I wrote "Dime Short" with the hope that we as a society can find the sweetness, find security, find our own emotional oasis, if just for a moment, when we've lost possibly everything. More importantly, how do we do that for each other? Krista (Director/Producer)I read this script when it was in the first draft form, and I could already see this world. My hope is that audiences leave with different impressions of this film. That they talk about how we see other's struggles and how we support each other when the chips are down. I hope they question the action of treating one person's worst day as their day's entertainment One of my favorite things is to hear people talking about is what happened to Bob's family, how did Donna land here, what happened to Bev, or how did Pete's son die. It's been really interesting to hear the different theories. Our greatest compliment is hearing that people would love to know more about this world and these characters. They stick with you as you leave and that's a pretty remarkable outcome as a filmmaker.

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aslsuzyq · 7 years

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We each feel like our own pain is the worst and that what we are going thru is the hardest and most devastating. In a way, this is partially true. That is because when it is “YOUR pain” then it IS “YOUR” WORST. What I mean is that everything can be challenging when you feel like your own story is the only one that’s difficult like this. Consider Brian Greene’s idea, as he writes about the string theory in clear English : He points out that, “in an infinite universe, each of us is at the center”. Exactly, my point and what I’m trying to convey here, today. For example, one person may feel that whatever they are going through with chronic pain is the worst pain they’ve experienced in life…ever!, The patient may feel this way due to the possible negative outcome of certain treatments or the lack of treatment and/or empathy, or understanding. One person could feel that their situation is the very bottom of the “pit”. The true “fires of Hell” very well may be his/her situation. The outcome could be a “loss” of the use of his legs; to him this is the worst thing that he could imagine. For another pain patient, or an RSD/CRPS sufferer, she may be afraid and feel that her suffering is the hardest that anyone can imagine because RSD/CRPS is #43, which is so very high on the McGill pain scale. She may scared because she is so young and has her whole life ahead. For her, this disease is taking so much; it is a thief of sorts! She could lose so many possibilities in life. Maybe she has indeed lost so much already? What about the younger ones who’ve never been able to experience true love or the dream of being a mother and holding that baby for the first time? Maybe the dream is something different but what if they don’t ever get to do the things that I got to do prior to my pain? There is much to lose at each and every stage, when your life gets harder, the pain gets worse. It even gets more difficult to find things that make you smile again.

Today it feels to me as though life for patients with chronic pain has become much more challenging. We have to worry about going to different specialists and having a legitimate “Pain Dr.” now instead of just going to our General Practitioners or Primary Care Docs. We must have and visit a Pain Dr. every month or 2 months, if we are on any kind of Opioids. Today we must do urine tests, the million questions (yes, I’m exaggerating), the signature or the signing of a contract to prove that we will not seek out any other Dr. or even get any other medications for pain from any of our other Physicians. Therefore, if we have a surgery, our pain meds must be authorized by our current Pain Physician, before we can get them or take them! The new “CMS strategy for use/misuse of Opioids” is happening as I write this article . Let me explain. This is the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services. They intend to curb opioid misuse and abuse. But in the meantime they could cause needless suffering to many of our most impoverished and elderly persons in pain. There were posts made by me and Letters sent out by the U.S. Pain Foundation & RSDSA, regarding this. There were tweets, posts, letters etc. going around to get emails out by Friday, March 4, 2017; to help change some of this strategy before the deadline at midnight Friday. The new Strategy doesn’t go into effect until April 7th, 2017, but we needed many emails to go out. We needed these emails to help fix what may be a problem for many chronic pain sufferers who rely on Opioids for pain relief. (*For more information visit: The U.S. Pain eNewsletter, Feb 1, 2017 “CMS publishes new strategy to combat opioid misuse”)! There are obstacles coming toward us from all directions it seems right now. There’s also the way that Pharmacists can be “the Dr.’s” now and they, along with our insurance companies, can override what our own physicians direct us to take for pain medications. Things are changing and getting more difficult for many persons living with high pain illnesses. I have had people come to me in the groups that I administrate. They have asked me “What can I do? The pharmacy wants me to come back every 5 days to get Opioid pain meds that I’ve been on for years? I cannot drive and it’s an hour away from my house! What can I do?” I feel terrible because I can’t “fix” it for them. I’m writing letters, tweeting & emailing, but no one is listening to me either; not yet. I don’t mind if they change the way the medications are made, such as changing it so they cannot be crushed, broken or changed in any way into another form. That’s fine with me because I am a legitimate pain patient, who takes my pain medication responsibly at the right times and on the correct dates. But God forbid if you do anything different or wrong! I was questioned because my pharmacy took 6 days to get my medication in! My Dr. wanted to know why “I waited 6 days to get my pain medication”. I felt like a criminal or like a scared child! This was no fault of my own and in fact, my husband tried to check around but nobody else had my medication in during those dates either. I was punished because I’m the one who started getting very ill for those 5 days! I had to go through that because even though I go to the same pharmacy monthly and for the same medications; they didn’t have my specific medications that month! When I returned to the Pain Dr. appointment, of course he wanted to know why there was a “lag” in time for picking up my meds. It’s just getting harder, more scary and more confusing. I’m tired and I can see why people feel like giving up sometimes. But we cannot give up! I will not ever give up! I have to keep on fighting for my rights and for all of our rights!

After my heart surgery in February, 2013; I found out that my RSD/CRPS had traveled to my heart as well as my whole left side. I have so much pain in my neck, knees, lower back, hands, feet, arms, legs etc, from several of chronic pain illnesses or issues. At times, I’m afraid, sad and I get lonely too. But I know that this is only “MY” worst, not anyone elses. I only truly know my own private pain. We all have our own health and pain issues that are specific to each of us. While I can’t take the pain “journey” for you, I can go through it “with” you in a personal way. I can be your friend, listen to your heart and because of computers, I can virtually reach out to you via my groups, my blog and even articles.

Every one of us has real fears, anxieties and true pain. I recently read a story about a poor woman in terrible pain with great fear. I do understood her fear (to a point) and her pain (only from as far as I can draw from my own experiences). Then I read about another, younger woman in the same kind of horrible pain. In both of their personal stories, deep fears and pain came through. The younger woman feels that she has so much to lose, as she hasn’t even started her life yet. Some of us have already had our children and we’ve had “real” jobs or a career for a while. We may have even been through some good &/ or exciting adventures prior to becoming chronically ill? Maybe we’ve done some fun things in our lives or accomplished a goal? Some of the younger people living wth chronic pain have not been able to achieve any of those things, not yet, anyway. What I see through my patient advocacy work with chronic pain and Invisible Illness; is so much love and compassion. Sometimes it is dampened and even overidden by our real fears and the feeling that we are “the person worse off”. We each may feel that “it’s not fair” or that our pain is “the worst”. But it is our own personal worst; which is different for every individual. When I think of pain in this way, I realize that we all have essentially the same inner feelings. If I can stop thinking of my own situation and my pain, and step back for a moment; I’m better able to empathize with others who live with pain. I know that many of us share the same inner feelings of solitude with our illnesses at times. We cannot give up on ourselves or each other. We must not stop trying to fight for a life that we each deserve.

Yes, this is what Chronic Pain does.

No Competition, No Winners!

We each feel like our own pain is the worst and that what we are going thru is the hardest and most devastating.

No Competition, No Winners!

We each feel like our own pain is the worst and that what we are going thru is the hardest and most devastating.

No Competition, No Winners! We each feel like our own pain is the worst and that what we are going thru is the hardest and most devastating.

0 notes

raseforcrps · 7 years

Text

Yes, this is what Chronic Pain does.

No Competition, No Winners!

We each feel like our own pain is the worst and that what we are going thru is the hardest and most devastating.

No Competition, No Winners! We each feel like our own pain is the worst and that what we are going thru is the hardest and most devastating.

0 notes

jewelrymkr · 7 years

Text

Yes, this is what Chronic Pain does.

No Competition, No Winners! We each feel like our own pain is the worst and that what we are going thru is the hardest and most devastating.

0 notes