#anyway time to isolate myself so people dont have to deal with me

[combeauferre]

like. i know having a degree is gonna be good and it'll open doors for me and whatever but. i am so fucking behind every single person i know

#i have no money no time no focus barely any mental stability #everyone else has either not been through uni or is done with uni #everyone is all. oh let's go spend money here come do this shit with me #like. i fucking cant. #it's bad enough i have to live in my own shitty enably head while im trying not to spend too much moneu #while dealing with fucking. overeating and overspending anyway bc of my adhd #to then have ppl want to go out and spend money and do this shit and that shkt #and i just Can't #and im trying so hard to hold back and i can fucking feel my parents being pissed off that i dont focus or save my money #and im Trying #and i just fucking Can't #and i dont know how long it's gonna be before i just fucking. lose it #i should be able to fucking cope #no one else i know is even in uni i dont have any friends in uni i dont talk to ppl who are in uni save like. one person #i just feel so fucking alone and isolated and im trying my best and i already struggle to say no to people at the best of times #but fuck #i just fucking. hate this shit and i kind of hate myself and i just half wish id never done this uni shit #i just want to get on with my life and stop feeling like im behind everyone #incoherent rambling #ignore me #guess the breakdown was just delayed huh

[jazzyblusnowflake]

Ive been thinking for a while to maybe make a small comic series about my personal journey in therapy and the ups and downs of my depression. not sure if ill be able to go through with it but....

//shrug.

tw// vent, mention of mental illness, abuse and suicide below

lately i havnt been doing so well, although its pretty normal and common during summer where i dont have much to do and my overthinking goes rampent...

but lately through therapy and my own research ive found out that not only am i suffering through clinical depression, general anxiety disorder and adhd, but i also suffer from the lack of emotional permanance, which is usually caused by a combo of the 3 other things i mentioned above, woohoo lucky me- buy 3 get one extra =_=...

this is... actively hurting everyone around me... i now understand that its not me being petty or bitchy, i...ACTIVELY cant... understand... or percieve other peoples affection for me. when im not recieving attention in real time i reason with myself that i am unloved and uncared for and this makes my brain shift the blame onto others for leaving me and thinking everyone is out to hurt me on purpose... so now i know why im... "too much" for other people to handle.. why im clingy, scared of isolation and in constant need of attention...

even my mother who is a textbook defenition of an abusive and emotionally negligent parent who verbally assaults me on the daily is now feeling worried about me and tries to take me out of the house more often.. i cry almost every night and my sleep is always with nightmares.

i wont get into too much detail but i do starve myself and force myself to stay awake til sunlight. i cant wash myself in showers and i cant change my clothes. the anxiety is too much. i cant even make myself to go through with it on the rooftop... especially now that i bottle myself up because i cant trust my mental stability to talk to anyone.

i want to be able to make this comic to be able to reach out and not feel alone... the people who care about me deserve more than dealing with my whiny ass on the daily. i need to be better.. for their sakes at LEAST.

im just sorry i let them down constantly.

anyway stay safe everyone, im still trying my best <3

#its raining so im gonna go on the rooftop a little #the first summer rain #its pretty #snowballfo #snow rambles #snow ocs

[booksandpaperss]

some ramble-y thoughts on men's social isolation and women's safety bc this has been on my mind for a bit

I do think it's really sad how men end up feeling so isolated bc of various social expectations as well as people being cruel, but as a fem presenting person I have to say that you can't just expect women and anyone who is fem presenting to just "start being nicer". ive seen a few posts on Tumblr essentially stating that but I have to reiterate it is about safety. I literally cannot afford to stop looking at men with caution and assumed violence until I get to know them really well bc if I stop that could genuinely cost me me life. its true that most men I see probably are not predators and im sure it hurts to be perceived that way, but I have no way of being able to tell who is and isn't going to harm me. I have to assume the worst because it is the only way I can stay safe.

it sucks, it really does, for all parties involved. I have so much sympathy for the men who are genuinely kind and would never hurt me that feel isolated, it isn't fair, and I myself certainly don't enjoy the *necessary* fear that the random guy im passing on the street could see me and decide to hurt me, but this is the reality of the world. there is no easy solution, but what certainly isn't a solution is expecting women to start being kinder to men they dont know because once again: that could genuinely cost someone their life.

The best solution right now I think is to continue to try to deconstruct misogyny and gender roles, and that takes time, patience, and understanding.

I have also seen the notion on here that men feeling isolated socially is misandry, but the reality is that misandry is simply not real on a systemic scale. men feeling isolated is a direct result of the patriarchy and a side affect of misogyny. a lot of things on this website that are perceived as misandry are either not real problems or they are but they're just the impacts of misogyny and the gender roles that come with it.

But it is very surreal to be walking alone at night, clutching my pepper spray and glaring whenever a man I don't know is near me, making sure to stay next to the street and make it obvious I know exactly where I'm going and still feeling the fear that it might not be enough and something horrible could happen to me anyway, only come back to Tumblr and see people saying misandry is just as prevalent as misogyny and women need to start considering how it feels for men to be looked at like they're predators. Touch grass seems like an applicable statement here.

oh and obligatory piss on the poor tumblr disclaimer: I know I am using binary terms so before any of you get on your high horse about it, I myself am non binary. I am not actually a woman, but I certainly look like one and therefore deal with misogyny. I fully understand that trans men and genderqueers of all kinds as well as even feminine cis men also fear for their life on the street so dont even think abt getting on my ass about that. oh and if any of you try to call this a terf post consider yourself blocked with a recommendation to get a refresh on what terf actually means instead of just throwing around the term when you see any post trying to talk about misogyny :D

final disclaimer bc I wanna cover all my bases due to Tumblr reading comprehension: im aware topics like this are very nuanced with lots of layers, please dont act like im obligated to cover all that in a random Tumblr post of all things, I cannot possibly cover everything nor am I obligated to. I simply wanted to remind ppl that actual lives are at risk and fem presenting people constantly and regularly fear for their life bc I feel like that gets left out a lot in conversations like this on here. <3

#elli's random thoughts #women's safety #mens mental health #feminism #no idea what else to tag this so im just gonna throw it into the void #plus I do not want this to end up getting around to actual terf blogs ugh

[gothmods]

Mega tmi below the cut (sex stuff again)

Well.

I think i can definitely conclude that while i do have a lot of sexuality baggage from yknow christian upbringing cisheteronormative society etc etc and i still think i have a low sex drive and am not very sensitive down there at least to my own touch and still resent the universe for denying me a dick

I can conclude that i am not asexual. The decade long quest for answers reaches some type of end.

I feel good. Yes in that a weight has now been lifted but more that this is one of like, less than a handful of times getting off has felt good, has been something i enjoyed.

All things considered its a mild enjoyment, it was fun but not earth-shatteringly brilliant. But i think it would be more fun with a partner, which like will probably still not be life changing or anything...

And yet that kinda is why its life changing for me. Years of all this anxiety and self harm and its like, its like ive been standing stuck on the doorstep for so long and the doors started to look bigger and heavier but now they are finally open and i can just. Let go? just sit with sex and sexuality as just another part of [my] life.

I liked it, i want to do it again. This is the first time ive been able to feel that way.

Moving on to less emotional notes

- douching, not as much work as you would think. Ive worked out how my body usually is so its a matter of scheduling but the actual prep was straightforward.

- vibrators are a godsend. Still figuring out what feels best but defs beats the hand by a long shot.

- arms and limbs are awkward. Multitasking very hard, suddenly very much understand the appeal of the suction cup dildo. Towel is very good idea also because lube can and does get everywhere.

- have definitely decided i like anal though. Its fun, reminds me a bit of the gentle burn you get from doing muscle based workouts. But without the pain of doing muscle based workouts.

- i like how i feel afterwards too. Front hole stuff has never felt good to me but also would give me abdominal cramping afterwards :/ i dont remember if that was the case pre-t but its never felt good during anyway so

- clean up is a pain. Wish i had my own bathroom. Picture if you will a guy carrying two different glass toys, a wand vibrator, an enema and a bottle of sex toy cleaner through the yard at night and then having to open multiple doors to get to the bathroom all while trying to be quiet enough to not wake his grandmother up (granny flat bathroom is only accessible via the bedroom 😬)

So yeah probably not something i will be doing often unless there comes another time i get the house to myself for a week or something.

Nonetheless excited to keep trying things.

I feel kinda embarrassed writing all this but the thing is i am 24 and having to learn these things for the first time and thats okay. But also i think the past decade and my relationship with sexuality would have been a lot easier to navigate if i had known anyone with similar experiences. I mean i know a lot of people had similar upbringings to me and we all live in a society but its been. Its been very isolating because of how that affected me.

I dont think ive seen much shared at all in terms of experiences with compulsive self harm in a sexual context. If it had just been anxiety and self-loathing i would have been able to deal with it much sooner i think.

But the self harm was a kind of feedback loop of like, you self harm -> you feel shame and disgust and misery -> those feelings become your primary association with sexual thoughts and behaviour -> the only sexual thoughts you get are intrusive and distressing -> self harm becomes a means of feeling in control of the distress -> and on we go again and again and again

But its over. Its actually over and i want to cry. Its been weeks and i havent self harmed and im finding it a little easier to deal with triggers and just. I want to cry so much because i feel so fucking relieved.

The power of anal sex....

[amphibautistic]

today was supposed to be like... not necessarily a good day but a day where I could get shit done and feel good about myself

I had 3 errands- to donate my cat's food he's allergic to, sell old clothes at a thrift shop, and pick up my library book

Instead... I left my house this morning already running late, still sleep deprived, and found that not only had someone stolen another one of my yard signs, but they had also literally broken my flag pole (which had my pride flag) off of my house

At the time I was able to take it in stride and got my first errand done, dropped off the cat food before the shelter closed. And then I started feeling vulnerable and I needed to kill time before the thrift shop opened so I went and spent money on a coffee and treat from the queer owned cafe. I walked around the pet store nearby too

Finally I drive over to the thrift store, which is out of my way enough that it's annoying and I've been putting it off for months. But i have a massive bag of old clothes and I'm determined bc I need to get money for these so I can afford to get new clothes again and it'll feel good to finally have them gone

And... I bring in a massive ikea bag of clothes and they take less than half of them. I get roughly $20 in store credit and use half of it on a single pair of jeans. When I walk out they give me back the remaining clothes they didn't buy, and the bag is still heavy enough to feel disappointing

I go to another thrift shop nearby and have to park out of the way, walking a few extra blocks with this bulky bag of clothes, and wait my turn to sell. They also reject everything and send me off with the same amount I walked in with. I stew in the fact that thrift shops are so much pickier than they used to be (these clothes arent in awful condition or anything- they're just used), and also wtf happened to their prices? I can't find anything under $30 here.

Meanwhile, in the background of my mind, I am aware that both of these shops are in a known queer friendly neighborhood in Minneapolis and the cafe was in a known queer friendly neighborhood in St Paul... I'm currently around more queer people than I've seen in one place than I've been in a year, with the exception of pride.

I have yet to find anyone else in my neighborhood, also in the cities proper, who is queer and I have to deal with people ripping my flagpole off my house bc it has a rainbow flag. I work in the suburbs and I'm the only queer+trans person in my office and I spend my days just choking on cishet old fashioned gender norms and surrounded by the smog of it. The isolation has fucked with my mental health in a big way and here I'm just... reminded that me moving to the city to be around more queer people was functionally a waste bc I can't afford to live in The Right Place for a gayborhood.

I don't buy anything from the thrift shop, and I've accepted I won't get anything for these perfectly reasonable used clothes. So I go to goodwill to donate them. This errand was supposed to have one stop and it turned into three, and I'm feeling fairly low at this point. So I go in to buy some shoes bc I only have like 2 functional pairs, and the point of this whole outing was to make money so I could afford new clothes/shoes. So instead of making anything I buy 2 pairs of shoes and spend like $23.

Old clothes are gone and I'm still feeling sour. The plan is to go to the library and go home, but I figure I'm running low on food and will need to grocery shop anyways. More money spent. Finally get my book and head home.

Still stewing when I get home and I know I need to spend more bc one of my pairs of shoes has no laces, and I need a new bracket for my flagpole. But I'm just about done at this point. This isn't the first time people have fucked with my pride stuff and initially my plan was just to replace it over and over but.... honestly after 30 years and having worked so hard to have my place, I dont have patience for letting other people ruin it.

So I bought some barbed wire to put on my flagpole and yard signs, for the next asshole who thinks they can just grab it.

And like. I stand by this decision. I stand by all my spent money today as a correct decision... but now my budget is entirely thrown off and I won't get a meaningful paycheck for 2 weeks and I'm just sitting here in shame honestly. I need to save money, need to get back to where I was before having to get my car back in April.

But honestly my life is just so full of garbage right now. Like just today's events don't even get into the half of it and I can pay bills but not much more. And ffs I don't feel like a person anymore. I don't feel like I can afford to be a person bc doing anything costs money. And I've been doing this so long and it's all completely by myself with no one to back me up and no additional income in sight and it isn't fucking fair.

There's no actual point to this post but I'm so. So tired of needing to be perfect all the time and life just grinding me to a fine pulp regardless. I'm tired of being punished for trying to take care of myself. I'm tired of being completely alone with no support and a mental health state that I can't remember having since I was closeted in high school.

I still feel like such a failure and I don't know what to do.

#long rambly vent post #there is no point to this post #life just fucking sucks and i needed to get it out

[pinnithin]

long kind of sad gay poast ahead

saw something about loving the unlovable and it got me thinking about how its a central theme in most of my writing. paired with like, isolation, being separate/other, the doomed concept of human connection, being the only person who can love and understand you the way you need, etc - i watched evangelion way too young if you couldnt guess.

anyway and this is due to the fact that a core part of my identity and personality revolves around the fact that i considered myself unlovable for the majority of my life, first unconsciously through childhood neglect, then by choice as some "you cant fire me i quit" teen angst sort of thing, then by a doomed sense of resignation all through college. its a significant part of how i see myself even now after years of working to unlearn it - ive managed to dial it back to "im difficult to love" which still isnt great but yknow. better than it was

which is why i have attachment issues and preferred one night stands for a long time. my romantic relationships (many of them short lived) have been with well meaning partners who assured me constantly that like, even though youre difficult to love its worth it. and that was all nice and good but it made me feel so fraudulent and disgusted with myself because it put me in the position of thinking either 1) this person doesnt actually know me that well at all or 2) i have somehow tricked this person into thinking under all the baggage theres someone worth loving. which is something i find difficult to reconcile with because the baggage is me too. i cant get rid of it. inevitably those people got wise and it ended up not working out.

by now have all these arguments and strategies geared up to explain to people who make the mistake of caring about me that its really not worth the effort, we're better off as friends or acquaintances, etc. im very transparent about the issues i deal with so its all just laid out there from the beginning and im not like, tricking people into being in a relationship with me or whatever by hiding it. ive talked in circles with exes over and over along the general lines of "im difficult to love" > "no youre not" > "i have xyz wrong with me and i push people away, trust me you dont want to deal with this" > "okay well we can work on that, and youll get better and itll be worth it" > "what if i never get better" > "you will, ill help you" > [me relenting bc im unable to dash their hopes and dreams that even if i Get Better im still Me at the core and the things that make me difficult to love are a permanent part of me]

the relationship im in now doesnt even let me get into that. shan is just like, youre not. youre not difficult to love, youre actually very easy to love and it has always been easy to love you, even before we were dating. and i dont have a comeback for that.

even with my usual strategy of "heres an itemized list of all the reasons dating me is a risk" theyre just like well sure, thats difficult for you to deal with, and im sorry its so hard for you, but that doesnt make you difficult to love. the loving is easy. that part has always been easy.

she doesnt treat me like a problem that needs to be solved she doesnt try to be my savior from myself she doesnt give any indication that shes just waiting it out until i reach a certain threshold of acceptable or unacceptable. she just loves me and trusts me to take care of myself, and it places a lot of personal responsibility on me to be better - not for us but for me, because im the only person who can do that and they know it.

its the healthiest relationship ive ever been in and ive never felt so safe and free to be myself. i dont need to live up to any expectations to eventually make myself lovable. im easy to love. hard thing for me to believe in self practice but going back to the inherent disconnect between all humans, who am i to know or control what they consider easy or difficult? i dont judge her when something she finds difficult is easy for me, so why wouldn't the opposite be true?

#started thinking about this first thing in the morning for some reason #i think because im moving again and its making me think of the last time i moved #out of the house i shared with my ex #something about grief being cyclical idk #pin talks #im doing a lot of posting and not a lot of packing. lol

[ifeltfree]

Yeah, of course I'll talk with you about it. I'm sorry to hear you're recently diagnosed. I'd say it gets better, but I'd be lying. What does change is that you get tougher, more resilient. If you're lucky, you have people around you who understand and support you well. The seizures never stop being terrifying.

It's an awful disease and one that is extremely misunderstood. Isolating is the right word, for sure. I was diagnosed at 16, so I know how hard it can be to have it as a teenager/young person as well. It feels like it's stealing from you. It is. Don't let anyone tell you any different. Your feelings are justified.

As far as how I cope? Poorly, for a long time, but recently things have been looking up. I was seizure-free for about five years before a recent set of breakthrough seizures (I crashed my car too, lol what a time), so I'm relearning how to deal with the fear and paranoia.

Logistically, I've done a few things:

I was able to get my job to let me work from home 3/5 days of the week.

I sleep. A lot. I still hang out with people and I have a lot of friends, but I had to accept there are things I can't do.

I spend a lot of time in quiet. Overstimulation doesn't help. I found this out the long way - took me forever to realize shutting up one or a few of my senses cut down the brain activity (I'm dumb).

I don't drink. I used to drink - probably too much. Substance abuse and epilepsy don't mix. That wasn't the reason for my breakthroughs, but I do have a little sobriety app. Kinda fun, honestly.

I talk to my friends about it.

That last point is something that I'd never done before this year. It's hard, of course, but I think it's helped that my friends now know I'm having crises of sanity, faith, philosophy - whatever - every day of my goddamn life. It's impossible to live with this disease and not think about what's real, what's not, if I'm losing time, what exactly is a soul...you understand.

Also, seizures are impossible to describe, but I try. That helps as well. Horrifies my friends, but they've said it's ok to talk about.

Every seizure I've had (barring these last ones, or I'd have killed myself) has stolen my personhood from me. I'd wake up as a different person, and then I'd just...live in a stranger's apartment, wear a stranger's clothes, wake up in a stranger's bed. After about a week, the feeling starts to fade but nothing ever goes back to that first reality. That disorientation is, for me, one of the worst parts of epilepsy. It's fucking scary. And if you go through that, I am so, so sorry.

If you want to talk about this more, let me know. I'm much less serious than I seem, and I write like this because I'm overeducated after being scared shitless by my brain. So.

Anyway, feel free to publish this and I hope you feel better soon.

Also, tell your tattoo artist what happened - they'll thank you for not coming in, and they also need to know you're not a flake. Don't want to make them responsible for an unconscious body when they don't have to be! :)

thank you for talking to me more about this. you worded a lot of this really well and its reassuring to know its normal to feel that way that i do about it all. my family thinks im exaggerating it so sometimes i question if im blowing things out of proportion.

anyway, thats terrible that you crashed your car. thats such a huge fear of mine and i cant imagine going through that, im so sorry. its so unfortunate that you have to miss out on things, but im glad you figured out what works for you to keep you in better shape. im gonna try and be mindful about the things you mentioned and see if they make a difference for me, thank you

i dont have much of a support system, most of my friends stopped talking to me after college and i find it hard to meet new people where i live. its significantly harder to cope with shit like this when youre on your own. im sure you get it. and i totally understand what you mean by losing your sense of self. it feels like everything is foggy, all the time but even worse on days i have seizures. it almost makes me mad cause its not fair that after everything else that comes with it, i have to have a diluted watered down personality too.

again thank you for this. ill definitely reach out if the urge arises and you definitely can too. im always open to talk, about anything

[boundless-n-bare]

audhd confessions - my own worst enemy

being active in this community as a neurodivergent individual (audhd) can be very challenging in unexpected ways. for me the hardest thing to deal with is the rsd - rejection sensitive dysphoria. i have this BAD. this doesn't strictly pertain to real or perceived rejection from individuals in the community although that can be part of it, but more broadly its like a very intense and painful feeling of fomo. having to miss NEST this year was a huge trigger for me - no one rejected me, but i still felt rejection because i couldn't be there. my brain told me i wasn't allowed. that no-one wanted me there anyway and i wouldn't be missed.

its also very hard seeing other members of the community being active and fulfilling their desires in a way i wish i could but very deeply feel and have been telling myself for years that i can't. this one honestly kills me, like it can be super debilitating to the point that it legit keeps me away from interacting in these spaces which i hate. its a huge reason ive been so distant - it sucks majorly feeling as though you're surrounded by people who have it all figured out, or at least seem to, while you feel lowly, alienated, and incapable.

for me, rsd is this ever present voice screaming "you're not allowed." woah see this community member posting about the really awesome session they had with this other community member? you'll never have that. they flew halfway across the country for that session, you're broke and will never be able to do that. they have social skills and you're a socially inept loser who no one wants to talk to. "they" are allowed to have those experiences, "they" are normal. but you are not allowed. you can be a spectator, at best. you get to yearn

the truly fucked thing is that i have had those experiences! i have been to NEST! i have traveled long-ish distances for sessions! i have had the good fortune of having multiple tickling experiences while many in this community may struggle to cement even one. yet i still look at myself and my experiences in this completely ass-backwards light that tells me that they are nothing special, its everyone else who is out there living the absolute dream and nothing i achieve will ever live up to what they're doing - it can't, it simply isn't possible because you are not allowed!

this shit has paralyzed me for far too long. it makes me not even want to look at tumblr, or reddit, or anywhere i might come across that sort of content because what if i see another post like that and then i get sad? then i suddenly have to wrestle with these feelings of inadequacy and isolation and who needs that? its easier just to ignore it all entirely... right?

well, no, because tickling is my passion and if i ignore it completely, to the point of not even letting myself engage with the community, then im depriving myself of not only the community and any potential support network therein but literally the pursuit of the one thing in life that bares any semblance of importance to me at all! when i tell you nothing else matters to me, when i tell you there is nothing in my life that drives me forward the way tickling does i am not fucking exaggerating - if i have learned anything over the pandemic and throughout the years that followed up until now it is that i forget who the fuck i am if i sever myself from my desires for too long. i'll put it all on the back burner and then wonder why im so miserable all the time. then i'll eventually come back, start getting into the hang of being active, then the asd starts surfacing, then i experience some sort of meltdown, then isolate for a few more months, then dip my toes back in and start the cycle all over.

i honestly dont know the best way to combat this but my plan is basically to kill this ideology with persistence - from now on i won't back down and dip out when im confronted with these feelings but rather i will challenge them and keep doing what im doing anyway. i will tell myself that with patience and persistence i can do any damn thing i want, and it might not happen immediately but sooner rather than later i will prevail and i will be content with my place here.

i intend to seriously challenge any assertion by my brain that im not good enough, moneyed enough, social enough, likeable enough, etc. to participate in this community. sure, there might be very real barriers to what i can and can't do compared to others but even still there's ultimately nothing i can't do! i have even told myself for the longest time that i could never be any sort of content creator... yeah, well guess what? im challenging that shit because the very act of my brain telling me i can't do it signifies that its obviously something i want to do, therefor i should! i've deterred myself from buying toys, bondage equipment, etc. because "you're not even active! you don't even talk to people! you're so socially awkward you'd spend all the money and never use it!"

fuck you, brain! the only thing truly getting in my way is you! im not making excuses to minimize myself anymore. im going to do the thing! the fuck is even the point of living if all you're going to do is keep yourself from the shit you want? its beyond fucking stupid

i doubt its going to be easy. i doubt that i won't slip up. but persistence means getting back up and doing it anyway when even when i feel like giving up, and hiding from or not interacting with the community is a sure-fire way to get absolutely nothing from it at all

#adhd #audhd #autism #rejections sensitive dysphoria #tickle #tickles #tickling #tickling community #tickle community #fomo

[bfdifan26]

everything i have to say abt every burner character, my interpretations of every one as of rn because i quite literally cant wait for episode 3 so i need to distract myself. disclaimer of sorts, if you couldn’t tell, i see these guys as way more human than probably intended. like i feel as close to them as you would with say your childhood neighbours (DISCLAIMRR i was actually going to do all of them but i ended up not feeling like it. i overestimated myself for once with burner isn’t that crazy. i hope what i ended up writing is good)

-roomy

roomy to me is one of the coolest types of characters like ever. shes been completely isolated for her whole life apart from daddy long legs being close with her, and she seems to be very desperate to please people and to just do whatever is “nice”. she doesn’t necessarily want or dream of anything because she hasn’t seen anything to want. episode 2 was the first exposure to the real world she’d ever gotten. also she really likes kit and spraypaint and was referring to them when she said “all for you two to explore”

-daddy long legs

despite him being the host, i dont actually think he’s the one behind burner. i don’t think he’s the one who teleported them in. and he definitely wasn’t born in the realm! he used to have a normal life in the real world until, thanks to the same being that teleported the contestants, he got sent to the realm without warning one day, and he has been instructed to do the same to other people and make them compete against eachother, for a reason which i havent exactly gotten figured out in my head yet, and hey, maybe he isn’t entirely sure either. anyway personality wise, i think his shyness and how he gets talked over indicates that during his time in the real world, he was seen as the quiet kid, and was shunned whenever he’d try to join in a conversation, and when he got teleported this of course stayed with him, although because of the burner contestants this will slowly begin to fade the more time he spends around them. also yes i do think our cast are the first people this is happening to

-erasey

i love erasey and i am so crazy excited to see what’s going on with them as the series progresses. they used to be completely different as a person, sort of like limey or pilly. they were sent to the realm for a few minutes when they were a kid, even way before daddy long legs was, and from that point dedicated their life to figuring it out. however, during a sort of experiment of theirs that went wrong, they lost an eye and left arm, and were sort of broken by that, it was realised they’d bit off more than they could chew. that was when they became the erasey we know now, laid back and apathetic about most things. not hanger though. erasey loves hanger the way a mad scientist loves their lab rat, but in this case in the non fucked up Im Going To Torture You For Results way. lol

-playdoh

ah playdoh my least favourite one but really that doesn’t mean too much considering i love them all so dearly so i honestly love him too. he has no like psychological reason to be the way he is he’s just. a bitch. like that’s it. he expects everything from everyone around him and for him to do nothing in return for that to be deserved. the realm is his first experience where that is not the case and people are actually opposing him, hence why he’s the most hostile towards rosey and hanger. i like to think hes gonna be changed by the end of the show.

-spraypaint

although i do really like her i dont have much to say except her personality and whole demeanour interests me and i feel like she kinda grew up having to be this dangerous confident figure to even stay afloat for her family n stuff. i do not like the fact that her knife potentially is just laying around on the floor somewhere still

-tissues

oh my goodness this guy. he is my 2nd favourite! i say this about every character but i mean it the most with him when i say i am super excited to see what their whole deal is and what the extent of his powers are and why they seem to know way more than he lets on. i also just really like his personality lol. one of my favourite moments in the show so far is when record said she was warming up for the challenge and tissues thought she meant literally warming up and got all worried that she was sick. them and record remind me of simon and marcy for literally no valid reason

#burner #roomy #daddylonglegs #erasey #playdoh #spraypaint #tissues

[firelord-frowny]

dumb

i finallyyyyyyyyyyyyyy went to the national aquarium yesterday omg and had a grand old tiiiiiime and took a ton of pics and videos and i thoroughly enjoyed myself and will elaborate on the enjoyment in the near future!

but first i need to whine about an annoyingly unhappy thing that was hanging in the back of my mind for a lot of the time.

i went with both of my parents, which was fine, bc thats who i wanted to go with.

but i really would have fucking preferred to do it sometime around the FIRST time i asked to go, which was when I was ohhhh, i dunno, A CHILD??? When I was 10, 11, 12, and still aspiring to have a career in zoology. And there was never ever ever a reason why we couldn't go, other than that my parents ~didn't feel like finding parking.~ i can't even tell you all the shit my family has never done together SOLELY because ~it's hard to find parking.~ everyfuckingbody else on earth can find parking! everyfuckingbody else on earth can deal with a lil inconvenience if it means getting to do something fun/memorable or giving someone they love something special. but not my lame ass family!

so, here i am now, a whole 29 years old, FINALLY having a nice day at the damn aquarium with my parents.

and i'm looking around at all these tiny children having the time of their lives with their parents and i couldn't help but feel jealous. :/ I wanted to be a 10 year old running around and demanding that my parents pick me up so I can get a better view of what's swimming near the top of a tall tank. I wanted to nyoom through the gift shop and try out all the different toys and flip through the children's books, blah blah.

anyway, we get to the part of the aquarium that has the touch pools where you get to just fuckin pet stingrays and shit! and i was so excited bc there are so many sea creatures ive always wanted to touch! i touched a horsehoe crab and a jellyfish! IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO PET A JELLYFISH!!! And I was thrilled about it!

but neither of my parents would pet anything!

which i mean, obviously that's their right, and they dont have to touch anything they dont wanna touch, but it just made me feel super isolated and outcast and reemphasized just how utterly alone i've always felt within my own family. literally NOBODY that im related to delights in any of the same things I delight in, and it fucking sucks.

which i mean, duh, that's what ~friendships~ and ~peer groups~ are for, but i feel like most people have at least a LITTLE BIT in common with their families. songs they can listen to together and equally enjoy. places they're equally excited to go to. activities everyone looks forward to with genuine eagerness.

i have none of that and i really really really wish that wasn't the case.

also? a lottttttt of the staff who stand by the exhibits and share ~fun facts~ about various animals/plants/etc were high school volunteers. that's so fucking neat!

and in the back of my mind i was so hyperaware that if i had known about such a volunteer opportunity when i was in high school, there is 0 chance that my parents would have been willing to drive me up to baltimore a few days a week. even if it meant having something fantastic to add to my college applications. even if it meant getting valuable exposure in a career field i was interested in at the time.

i mean, ok, baltimore is about 45-60 minutes from here, which IS a bit of a drive, i know.

but where the fuck else around here would there have been an opportunity to immerse myself in something that was so perfectly aligned with my deepest passions and desires? where, within a 10 or 15 minute drive of my home, would i have been able to stand next to a death adder's terrarium and tell guests all about their extremely potent neurotoxic venom or that even though they're morphologically very similar to vipers, they're actually elapids like cobras and mambas?

nowhere! nowhere!

maybe i could have volunteered down at the rinky dink lil nature center near my house and told 2 people per day that the snake in the tank that's clearly labeled as a corn snake in bigass letters is a corn snake.

just, my enrichment and my exposure to the thing i loved most in the world wouldn't have been worth a few hours of my parents time on weekends and that makes me really kinda fucking sad because now im an entire real life grown adult with 0 of the connections or confidence or skills that i'd need to start living a life that actually incorporates my favorite things on a regular and sustainable basis, and now it's MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY PROBLEM to try to fill in all the gaps that my parents were content to leave wide open just because they didnt fucking feel like nurturing the person i truly was.

honest to god, i cant look at a place like the national aquarium or the national zoo or any place like that, and feel like i deserve to even volunteer there. i dont feel like i deserve to even sweep the fucking floor. i'm watching the custodial staff mopping down the floor in the dolphin viewing area and all i can think about is how much i don't deserve to even do that. (which, obviously, isn't to say that being a custodian isn't an Important Job that requires its own skillset, but it's not a skillset that you need 4 years of overpriced education to excel at).

bc my dumb brain can't stop thinking: if my own damn parents didn't think i was important enough to expose me to things i was interested in even, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY would literaally anybody else think i'm worthy of anything at all?? if i'm not important enough to be driven to an amazing volunteer opportunity as a kid, why would that same place think i'm important enough to let me volunteer there even if i did have a ride???? when there are soooooooooo many other kids who ARE important enough for their parents to go out of their way to help them reach their goals?

___________________

AND YOU KNOW WHAT????

my parents did spend significantly more money than most parents spend on their kids for my violin stuff. my violin is Pretty Dang Expensive. they paid out the ass for me to go to tanglewood one summer. they drove me once a week to my violin lessons, which took up a couple hours of their time. i'm appreciative.

but i'm ALSO keenly aware that i literally didn't ask for any of it.

the only thing i DID ask for was to just play the violin in general. but i specifically remember being an orchestra major in middle school and asking my parents if i could take private lessons outside of school, and they unceremoniously told me that no, you greedy little child, we're not paying for more private lessons when you're already in the free music program at school.

but the second i got into high school and my orchestra director told my parents to put me in private lessons, nevermind the fact that i already had free lessons with a very decent teacher at school, my parents signed me up on the spot.

when my violin teacher told my parents to send me to tanglewood, they did. when my violin teacher told my parents to buy me a new, professional quality violin, they did.

they did all of those things because someone who Wasn't Me said it was important.

shit, i remember being like 15 and wanting to get a lil part time job working at petsmart, and they told me i couldn't do it, because they didn't feel like dropping me off or picking me up from the petsmart 10 fucking minutes away from our house.

lmao can you imaginnnneeeee all the confidence and self-actualization i could have developed if even one single thing i asked to do was facilitated and nurtured by my parents?????

and now i have to struggle to learn this shit on my own because it's Not Their Problem if their adult child is struggling??

i hate me.

[melody-of-lost-souls]

Hi!!

In one of your posts you added some headcanons that SS stans came up with, and the one that really caught my eyes was "Sasuke's obsessed with Sakura's eyes"... This isn't funny at this point, it's complete desperation 🤣🤣🤣!! Since when did he say that??? I don't remember him ever looking at her in the eyes passionately, even in Boruto. How many lies do they have to come up with just for them to feel good about their ship??? If Sasuke doesn't say anything about her eyes, then I completely discard that idea. He doesn't even take the time to compliment her looks, not that he cares about that anyway 🤷🏽‍♀️. And in another post you said that they are asking SP to make Sasuke and Sakura kiss right? I'm sure that kiss would be a filler. Because it wouldn't affect the storyline. I don't read Boruto (I respect myself too much for that), so Idk what's going on in that crazy manga.. But apparently something not good is coming up for SS?? What exactly happened in the latest chapter??

Hello ANon! Oh yes, this "He is obsessed with Sakura eyes" is a thing that me and my friend always laugh at xD But yes, it's true. I read it in one their multiple meta post. Will not attach the link because too much cringe and i read it long ago. This post, conveniently selected some pannels and ...I dont know jaja tried to point out that always there is some connection between Sasuke's gaze to Sakura's eyes. For example they edited and cropped panels from Sasuke first reunion in Shippuden, and they cut Naruto out of the picture and made it seem...as if he were looking at her? Ah also because when he said "she was annoying" he somehow¿¿¿¿ was looking at her in the eyes (despite there is no proof of this lol) Of course they also added their so called s-mex/eyesmex whateverthefcuk pointing again that he has some kink with her eyes. Yeah. I know... Even if he doesnt word it or say something about them, you as mangaka can transmit those feelings especially in gazes and stares. Anime has the amazing characteristic of communicate a lot through the eyes, I myself can assure you as a drawer too (not a proffesional still but been drawing for 15 years.) If Kishimoto wanted to say something between...Sasuke having some obsession about Sakura eyes, he would have done it. Especially when Sasuke's eyes are so intense. In fact, in that chapter they selectively edited, Sasuke was staring at naruto, its the same when he was staring at him in Vote1 and we can go on. Say also Itachi's eyes when he is first introduced, meaning...Kishimoto knows how to do this job.

I can agree they had some chemistry when he saved her in the war (their only good scene) But this is as an isolated moment....to then confirm that he is obssesed with her eyes...Well, reading comprehension = 0

And regarding the kiss, yes this is something they always ask on twitter. They are desperate absolutely desperate for a kiss between them. I dont know if SP will make them kiss. In fact, the only couple they made kiss multiple times was SNS . We have a kiss for Naruto with Fuuka , whom he shared a very disgusted face.

Kakashi with this woman in a filler. And if someone remembers other ones let me know. But for canon... They could add even a kiss for Minakushi but never they did, or the strongest couples. So...i find it hard they made them kiss because its not relevant. If Sasuke kiss someone again, it may be naruto to maybe remember them of their first kiss, as some comic relief. Oh yeah i know Borusara kissed somehow but that was also filler and that kiss reflected SNS in fact So... xD About Boruto i dont know where people took this from, that something not good is coming for SS¿ Because I mean, SS is absolutey NON EXISTENT in Boruto. And I wonder if Ikemoto would plan to pull their romance in the manga, when he is dealing with this horrible topic about aliens and the bad copy of Akatsuki, Kara.

What some are especulating is that Sasuke death could be near, since he gifted his headband to Boruto which...We can take it as a bad and good thing at the same time for SNS. The manga nowadays is centered on Boruto, Kawaki, Sasuke and Naruto, Shikamaru and Amado. And the villains of course. Even this random girl Sumire, has more relevance and presence than Sakura and Hinata, so...i dont know what Bad thing could come for SS because its as if they have never been in there.

Something that maybe catched their eyes, is that Sarada complained that Sasuke is HER father more than Boruto's teacher. I find this marvelous lol because it just confirms what i have always said. But in any case, that the girl expressed (such as in canon as in a filler) this complaining its because we know whom is Sasuke's heart more connected with. (Despite what the gaiden said)

#sasunaru #antiss #antisakura #sns naruto

[underscorecc]

1.

every time i dump a bunch of shit thats been on my chest it usually starts with all the problems in my life. maybe its because im just shooting from the hip but i find myself stuck in the should-have-beens and the varying levels of "not good enough" but i think ive had enough and for once im putting the shit that runs on the hamster wheel in my head out there where maybe someone can connect and understand and realize they are like me or visa-versa. unfortunately youll have to forgive the lack of proper grammatic structuring and the vagueness, but i dont really care enough beyond stringing my thoughts together in a way that someone can comprehend them, and my lack of specificity is partly to isolate this page from my life, and partly so that those who can possibly connect with some of these topics are able to just a little more.

heres where im at: i've just been through a breakup about a week ago, and even though it was on really good terms, ive opted to keep her out of my life for the time being. im sick of being obsessed and letting someone hold so much power over me (not that she was particularly dysfunctional). we even alluded to getting back together in some undecided amount of time, a time when she can be single for a bit and i can fix the major parts of my dysfunctional life. i dont really care about the breakup. she meant a lot to me but im just sick of her right now and of the apathy. i texted her that i wanted her out of my life so that i can get her out of my head (we originally opted to stay best friends despite the breakup) but that didnt really work.

anyways

off the top of my head i can categorize "dysfunctional" in the context of what im dealing with rn goes like this:

1 - I'm sick of being a beta of sorts. I used to carry myself with a lot of alpha energy that just went out with a bang at the beginning of the last 6 months, which currently, have been the worst 6 months of my life. you might automatically direct your thoughts to me being some andrew-tate-manosphere-15-year-old-incel-cuck at the mention of alpha, but no. It's more in the sense that I had self respect, was much more consistent in the gym and with music, I was way more confident, and all in all I just felt like there was a future on that path that I was taking.

2 - I'm sick of having such a weak internal locus of control. In another perspective one could say I have made leaps and bounds in terms of my level of control and discipline, and they wouldn't be wrong. from where my standards are set, it's nowhere near enough. maybe my goals are "unrealistic" or "too tall" but when you shoot for the moon, even if you miss, youll land amongst the stars. for now, my withered coomer-brain needs a reset, which probably involves some sort of dopamine desensitization, so when i start doing that i'll update on this blog.

3 - I'm sick of my selective pseudo social anxiety. when it comes to social dynamics, once im situated, i find myself more than competent in being engaging, and more often than not im the center of attention, but even so i find there's this level of desperation in the way that i entertain. not to say that im bad at it, no im the fucking best; no one does it like me. at the same time, i find myself feeling that when im joking with a group of friends or just making small talk theres this underlying begging of "please pay attention to me and validate me and dont leave me" that i pick up on, and if i pick up on it others may very well too.

all of these issues tie into eachother in more ways than i can imagine, and for the most part i can trace these issues to their source, the rejection, the shit talking, the anxiety, the deflated sense of self-value/importance/respect, the lack of self control, etc. so right now i guess i need to focus on just fucking doing it or something i dont know.

one of the things i find people (including myself) struggle to do the most is to come to terms with the fact that making significant change involves doing hard shit. for example, if you want to have a nice body and be strong just lift a lot of heavy shit and dont eat like a fatass. It really is that simple (not to imply that simplicity = ease) but so often i find people snorting lines of copium by doing some crazy intricate crash diet or giving in to defeat by saying "oh my basal metabolic rate is too low to lose weight" or "my bicep insertions look weird thats why i dont have good arms" (stay with me here i promise it'll come back to the main topic soon) and you could say that those are good excuses to give up, but you arent going to be any more satisfied with yourself by logically worming yourself out of putting in effort, because it takes effort.

I only said all that because i feel like thats what i do all the fucking time and its probably the crux of all my issues and it makes me fucking crazy. being decently smart doesnt help at all either, because i can logic my way out of fucking everything now, which has probably been the primary contributor to landing me where i am now. It reminds me of the most stand out part of fight club to me, "How's that working out for you?...Being Clever". If i were asked that by a one tyler durden i would say "its the fucking worst".

im all over the place now because my comprehension of this intangible dissatisfaction with myself, which i simultaneously can put into words succinctly, yet also could not describe with all the words of all the languages. i dont want to end abruptly here because it feels like theres more i could go off of, but i cant. tldr; its not over but like shit stinks bad rn :)

[airghoul]

legitimately hate how when i get overly upset i develop absolute disdain for things. i could have a passing irrational thought and feel hatred towards my loved ones for NO reason.

another thing i hate is the jealousy i feel when i see other people having fun without me, like. i shouldnt. it's not right. and it sure as hell is not my place to just insert myself in other peoples business

sometimes though i just cant help but feel left out of everything. i shouldnt get upset because im so fucking used to it anyway, like i will never be anyones first pick when it comes to socializing or hanging out. i dont understand why i get so upset over it every time. im used to feeling invisible towards other people

its fine. i'll just isolate myself for the millionth time until im content enough to deal with being alone again

#ignore me im going through it #vent

[kettlepickle]

How do people even make friends?

I'm having a meltdown and my anxiety is winning right now so I'm going to vent because theres nothing else I can do

I have friends, I've known them for a long time but I don't understand how these friendships came to be

I was never a child that had a shit ton of friends, only ever 3 or 4 kids but only one of them was really my friend

Then in middle school I met some other kids but didn't work out too well and I don't talk to most of them except 5 or 6 people

We met because I was on a group project with them and just kept talking to them after ninth grade (the pandemic "helped" amd we kept talking on whatapp since then)

Now I go to college and have not made any friends and don't know how

I also figured out I'm autistic (got diagnosed this year) and stopped masking most of the time and told this to the class

I like my friends but I just wished I had people to talk to at my class because I just feel like I dont fucking belong (my friends don't go to my university and I'm basically an outcast there)

I genuinely don't know how to make friends, I never learned how to do a first impression on people and don't know how to engage

I feel like I don't have anything interesting to other people and act too weird to be liked by neurotypicals

I can't even summon the courage to talk to other autistics because I just don't know how to start a conversation without embarrassing myself for being weird and uncanny

I've heard that people think I act standoffish and odd specially when I was masking so I decided to stop just because it wasn't working

Now I feel lonely and I don't even know how to tell that to my own friends cause they already deal with a lot of shit in their lifes, putting my anxiety on them just feels daunting and makes my anxiety even worse

I've been on tumblr for a while just because I wanted to meet more people but I just have no idea where to start and now i feel useless

Even when i take the steps to get to know more people i still end up isolated

I just don't know how to function like a fucking normal person and it makes me feel like shit

It gets worse because i do have friends, but we just talk via social media and barely see each other and i feel like shit because why would i feel lonely, i have friends and a nice life why is everything so hard when i have all the help i need and still i manage to fuck my social life up when people have it much worse than i do

I feel like a fucking idiot because i have all the support i could get and still destroy every opportunity to make friends by being too weird

I hate feeling lonely why do I feel so lonely as an adult this shit sucks

I used to be so different as a child, I didn't know how to make friends back then either but I could just copy the adults and it would work at all times and the adults thought I was so smart and mature, now other adults think I'm too weird and I hate kids (not directly, can't stand their energy and they're loud sometimes) so nobody likes me anymore besides my family and my only friends

I hate being this socially inept I'm so fucking incapable of talking to people

Even in social spaces for autistic people here on tumblr i feel like i can never belong

I guess i couldn't admit that I hated myself before

I don't think I hated myself, I guess that's why I grasped my self confidence so strongly ultill I crushed it and now it's gone

I created my personality around being smart and getting good grades in everything, but ever since I started 10th grade my grades have been declining and I guess I'm late to the fact that I don't have any real interests and don't know how to have a social life

Nobody's gonna read this anyway I don't know why I even fucking bother

I hate myself and I hate my neighbors and I hate everyone that missed little child me when I was obviously autistic and my parents juts heard that I would grow out of it but years later I got diagnosed

Sometimes i question my autism diagnosis but then this shit happens but i still doubt it

I'm really spiraling huh

My mental health is getting so much worse and I don't know if the therapist I'm.going to start seeing next week is going to fix it because the other therapist I was seeing before was completely useless to me and just made everything worse

Guess I just fucking hate myself

#venting #autistic

[feralcatt]

I'm sorry old friend

Dear friends of the past,

I'm sorry I mistreated you when you were kind to me

I thought that you would all leave me in the end or betray me,

That's why I was cold, harsh and pushed you all away

I was also dealing with historical traumas that had happened to me

That's why some of the things I was doing didn't make sense to you, or I didn't show much affection or appreciation, or I set a hard boundary and expected you not to cross it.

I'm sorry for the way things happened and the way I left it. I could've made better decisions so as to not hurt your feelings.

I was overwhelmed and felt unsafe at times, I walked away from you because I needed my space and protection again. I only believed that I could feel that way again when I was on my own.

I still do it. I mean, isolate myself. People trigger me a lot more now than they used to. And its a number of things that set me off, not just the things that you might have done which are quite miniscule in comparison to the things people around me have done and said now.

I've felt quite a lot of hurt in my life but now am in a more reflective space, where I can see that some of my misery I have created myself because of my expectation that people will be disappointed with me and leave anyway.

I don't blame you for leaving and not coming back. I don't blame you for finding a better person to be with. I dont blame you for seeking the respect and affection that you deserved.

I want to reconnect with you but I don't know how. Not just because I'm sorry, but because there have been different versions of you in my life and some of them were good for me, some were kind to me and just wanted from me something I couldn't seem to give. I want to say that I can give you what you deserve now, but for some reason it's hard for me to let go of the past and make things right.

I want you to know that I'd like to resolve my relationship with you and be a part of your life in some way, however small. I'd like to reconnect with you in a way that we both feel safe, and supported, and comforted by one another. Perhaps you have moved on as well, and that's okay.

Allah be with you, my old friend. He perhaps taught us lessons through each other we can only just begin to understand.

Peace and blessings,

Sadia

#friendship #reflection #sadness