#at least i didn't cut myself

[hyuuukais]

my day is off to a great start 😍

#lakes thoughts #first i have a weird dream that makes me lowkey freak out #then i just spent a good 5 minutes picking mushrooms off a pizza bc i don't like mushrooms and that thing was Covered #and in general i don't have a lot of time in the morning so that was a waste bc guess what #i dropped it on the floor #not only that #i dropped the plate too and it broke #at least i didn't cut myself #but now i'm convinced today is going to be terrible

[supjello]

"Your son?" "My apprentice, but I think of him like a son."

#pentiment #andreas maler #casper ziegler #my art #it took me about two seconds to go full 'if anything happens to my beloved casper i'm killing everyone in this town and then myself' #'and then no one will be around to solve this murder mystery because we'll ALL be dead' #(some spoilers to at least where im at in the game>) #my andreas loved his son but found no love with his wife #(though he wanted to. he really wanted to.) #drifting off alone and finding this kind of 'what if' when he took casper on and began travelling #and it wasn't fair to anyone involved. not his wife who had to face loss alone #not andreas who was trying to cover up the hole august left with another family's son #not casper (though he wouldn't know this- since he didn't realize the extent andreas really cared about him like a father) #but most things went unspoken and most consequences unseen #so there was just this deep undercurrent of silent fatherly love and worry beneath every interaction #between the two #and it KILLS me even though i know 99% of this was me reading between the lines they let me choose #i wonder if my andreas kind of secretly wished casper's family didn't make it through the turmoil #it's a fucked up thought and i think he'd feel extremely guilty if he ever caught himself thinking it #but there's got to be some extreme dread there about the idea of the apprenticeship ending and this boy he considers a son cutting ties #and really having to face going back to his wife who he (rightfully) feels guilty about leaving. #even if she never loved him #and even if only pain was there to return to #ANYWAY #I FEEL TOTALLY NORMAL ABOUT ANDREAS MALER #edit: guess who just completed the game. guess who’s own art is now making herself SAD

[nguyenfinity]

WHOEVER KEEPS HITTING THEM WITH THE BEAD BRUSH AT HAPPYELE, THIS IS A THREAT.

#enstars #this is my edit..... #i spent an hour editing it..... at least credit me..... #i do like the outfits the beads just. didn't fit #i'm so excited tho eeeeeeeeee #rinne amagi #no seriously a good chunk of the time was just coloring and blending things myself 'cause spot-heal wasn't cutting it. #respect to the editors who edit on the regular o7 #i wasn't planning on staying up to speed draw him but this was a semi-request of sorts #for everyone who hates the bead brush now. #m y edit

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

feeling weird mixed feelings atm and I can't really logic them away, ig? on the one hand I'm completely apathetic about it. on the other hand there's a part of me that's absolutely horrified that I could do something like that. the fact that it's still a consistent low-level pain the whole time also doesn't help. anyway those kinds of thoughts are then making me want to harm again to cope with them but also a) it's manageable and b) I currently have a deep horror of self-inflicted pain after the last few days apparently.

#more specific blatherings in the tags so im gonna get them below the read more in case anyone doesn't want to read it #tw sh #because yes this is about the last few days and im gonna add a few more words to get the rest below the read more #the fact that while they aren't as deep as i've ever gone before they are unquestionably in volume far exceeding any #before. not that i count at the time or anything but there are at least sixty new cuts from the last week so no wonder it's painful #but yeah it's just. an interesting emotional feeling once the pressure that triggered them is gone #i don't know i don't understand myself really #glad i have a psych appointment monday really #if i didn't have one booked i'd probably be booking one about now #also bothered by how visible the ones on my wrist are going to be. #hopefully the redness will go away soon bc i don't think they're quite healed yet #teatree oil is helping tho so hopefully they won't be TOO obvious #the location means that yeah they will be visible but hopefully not too too much #and after all i have only for-sure hit the fat layer twice. maybe a few other times. there are a couple taking ages to heal atm #so they might've idk. and i haven't gone any deeper than that #honestly with the wrist ones the fact is that it was blunt and i couldn't #sharpen it at hte time. perhaps tmi but yeah this may have saved my life and or my hand function #but i might be overstating it. anyway apparently that was three weeks and one day ago?? wow #guys that entire day i was convinced i wasn't going to live to see the morning. the WHOLE DAY #i literally have a commie newspaper on my desk currently because they tried selling it at uni and i was so existential i was just like. #'what is life. what is money. who cares' and bought it. see this is the funny story i referred to. i can elaborate #personal #puddleglum hours #tw suicide

[unwoundcorridors]

without tradition

❈ written for femslash february | @hpsaffics ❈

pairing: narcissa/hermione rating: teen words: 1,681 summary: At times, however rarely and on accident, the Daily Prophet does something right.

read here.

#cissamione #narcissa malfoy #narcissa black #hermione granger #hp fic #i didn't set out to conduct therapy with myself by writing this but whoops it turned into that #misunderstandings are hell in real life and no fic i've ever read or write will ever be able to capture how intensely horrendous they can b #but this might capture just the tiniest most microscopic aspect of it #(and include wish fulfillment re: reconcilation because it's fic and right now i want happy or hopeful endings in my fics) #(real life doesn't always have happy or hopeful endings but BY GOD will i make it so in my fics at least!) #*they can be. why do you cut off the last letter of longer tags tumblr. why do you show me the whole word then cut off the last letter LMAO

[vulpixelates]

trying to find a balance between "module that's easy to understand and follow bc i am terrified of DMing and might cry" and "module that's not boring af especcially in the first adventure bc that might be as far as i manage to get through before losing my mind and i at least want my forever DM to have fun as a player for once" is killing me lmao

#apiewofoaiwjefaoijfew #i REALLY do not think she will find the beginning of waterdeep dragon heist compelling unless i make changes but like aoeifja #i'm so overwhelmed by the idea of making changes #i just want something i can follow from start to finish so i can MAYBE learn that DMing isn't as terrifying as i think it is 😭😭 #trying to desperately not to talk myself out of this lmao #uuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #she also suggested the lost mines module bc it's meant for newbies but i'm just like OIFJAEOWIFAOWIJEF #she doesn't even really use goblins in her own games she's not going to find this beginning part interesting at all 😭😭 #and i'm so nervous about any other modules bc it's just going to be her playing + an npc i'm controlling who is a fighter but like aofeijao #they still might get crushed even if i have her start at like level 3 for a level 1 adventure. i have no idea how any of this works anymore #idk OIFJAOEWIFAE the last time i tried to run stuff it was all homebrew and i was so fucking bad at it #i feel like everything i did made everyone miserable lmao #any time i tried to like just go w the flow it didn't work #esp bc i get so anxious about it aofiejaoijfwe #i am so not cut out for this but my wife literally never gets an opportunity to play and she has DM'd me almost every single day for like #five to six years now faoewijfaoiwjef she deserves a chance to play and has been really sad about not having one in the past #so i have to try at least #*dykeposting

[seagullcharmer]

attempting to teach myself to sew. successfully made something that looks like pants

#libra.txt #it's not finished yet bc i am unsure how to get the elastic to sit right in the yoke #but the legs at least are done 👍 #here's to hoping it actually fits #i bought the pattern back when i could fit a size 14. now i'm between 16 and 18 depending. #it's stretchy jersey-type fabric though and it's athletic leggings so it SHOULD work. i hope. i gave myself a little wiggle room when cutti #but that's not quite how it works. also the seams didn't quite line up (bc i'm bad at cutting) #so there may be a bit of sag 🤦 #oh well. they're to go with a longish tunic so HOPEFULLY everything will work out #but my mom isn't home to watch over my shoulder so. aaaaa learning on the fly #which is what everyone keeps saying to do anyway #just jump right in and TRY and hope everything works out #alas. ye olde ayngsietey #< made-up spelling. no idea if there's an early modern spelling of anxiety #but since early modern wasn't standardised i'll argue that it counts anyway. whatever #but yayyy sewing...!

[killerchickadee]

So my hair was getting pretty long but it has no texture, right. It was just flat floppy and stupid. Like this

Enjoy tiny Bruce Springsteen peeking out from my tits.

So I went to have it cut and I said I really need layers and the back to be shortened a little, but not too much off and I hate blunt cuts. And she

Yeah ok glad I paid $50 for the opposite of what I wanted.

I'm gonna go back to cutting my own damn hair.

#also kinda want to chop it off again #like i cut my own hair for decades and if i occasionally fucked it up at least i didn't pay for it lol #why pay someone to fuck up my hair when i can fuck it up myself for free?

[zhuhongs]

i need to start going to therapy to learn how to talk to people about things and the develop better support systems for myself bc i only talk to like 2.7 ppl bc idk how to talk to anyone and this is ridiculous

#its 2.7 bc i talk to 1 friend who i mostly talk to to distract myself and to experiment differently communication styles. and uh. recently #ive been frustrated with her bc she's very narrow minded abt anything i say abt my own life and abt the feedback i give her as domeone who #has been in a similar situation and got thru it. and its not like its unsolicited. i ask if she wants advice and she will say yes and then #its like 'y does it feel like you are attacking me' like bestie I'm saying this in the least judgemental way bc ive been there. you are #assigning judgement bc u feel bad abt urself. not me! and i cant and wont take responsibility for that. #and then like. kinda my mom but then she cuts me off a lot and basically just kinda says to do whatever makes money like. i tried that and #now im stuck 5 years in at a job i hate that barely pays bc i didn't take a targeted path #and like. my a dif friend i can engage with but she's always busy (nit her fault. i get it. shes got her stuff) so we talk for a total of #15 minutes while shes at a drive thru and nit really listening. which i again. totally get. But. fuck #yea i just want to go to therapy to have adedicated amt of time to talk my shut and like. get some neutral feedback

[tuiyla]

wait what’s more acceptable christmas gifsets as early in December as possible or more so nearing christmas itself

#cause it was gonna be dec 1 but that didn't work out #but now that I've cut myself slack i'm like??? #maybe I should just wait until christmas week at least? #then again #adventures in gifmaking

[consolecadet]

I made a wooden crate today! Designed it myself and everything. I’m way too tired to write alt text tonight but I’ll post a photo tomorrow

#I did super glue my fingers together during it but at least this time I didn't cut myself on a chisel or anything! #boring text posts #woodworking

[chalk-homunculus]

I think... in many ways, I really just want to feel loved, but I'm scared of accepting it, and scared of feelings I feel like I "can't control" so I end up taking an overly analytical approach and overjustifying things like natural curiosity to myself by calling things "just scientific fascination" and "morbid curiosity" (because in my mind, things I feel I am not "allowed to" experience, be curious about, or consider, seem like they're taboo, hence 'morbid'). I can't really fault others for thinking that's messed up. I've definitely ruined chances at receiving any sort of care and/or love in the past by not only pushing people away in delusional self-sabotage states, but also by treating people like equations or research projects. I sort of hate admitting to myself that I DON'T know or understand everything, and that doing so is impossible no matter how much I like knowing things, especially since my inability to just trust and take what people tell me at face value is in juxtaposition with that desire for knowledge and thorough understanding. It is actually me and my own doubt of people that drives me into over-questioning everything I DO know.

I also am terrible at paying attention to others. I know this. I forget that other people are, well, people, and that they won't know how much I care about them unless I express it and KEEP expressing it. Not just verbally but with things like asking people how they are doing- assuming they'll just tell me if they want me to know is something I do, but I know very well how easy it is to feel like a burden and close your troubles away from others in fear of being "too much" to deal with. I've reflected on this, and my unhealthy manner of expressing fondness and trust for others being that I'm far too quick to traumadump and talk about myself, in the past, but I've not been making nearly enough progress on it.

I think, I seek and crave for too much clarity without offering any myself, that has driven people away from me in the past, and it's purely my own flaws causing it.

Maybe with another year or two of reflecting, I will be able to handle something like a qppr without it falling apart because of my aloofness and inability to pay enough attention to others. Perhaps in half a decade, I could consider a romantic relationship, if I've made any progress with all that + trauma work, by then.

#I previously swore off all kinds of romantic/qplatonic relationships because I felt that I just #''wasn't made for them'' #but I think in truth NOBODY is made for them- people just have to grow and improve to be able to maintain them #healthy ones at least #and there's no point in desiring for dysfunctional ones no matter how desperate one is #I know this well thanks to DF. #so what I am saying is... my previous attitude was selfish and petty #to just decide that I am ''hopeless'' and ''unfit'' for something was a sort of refusal to accept fault in myself #nobody is 'hopeless' with things like healthy romantic/qpp relationships unless they choose to be #and making that choice... to rather be hopeless but eternally envying others is very childish #childish and something that only someone in deep denial about their own flaws would do #I can offer myself some understanding since I believe that I needed to reach this point #where I would realize this myself and accept it #and I'm glad I didn't cause anyone any hurt (as far as I'm aware) during this time it took me to realize that #because I could see people making a declaration like that but then allowing mixed signals and vague situationships to take place #solely because of the very human loneliness of wanting closeness but also childishly refusing to actually work on oneself #much like my refusal was. but in my case #I did fully cut everything like that out- I haven't allowed people to get any closer than ordinary friendship #and I've not been crushing on people myself (in general that's just because I'm demi most likely) #(but I have not been crushing and trying to justify to myself sending mixed or vague signals to anyone) #(that's what I mainly mean in that I haven't been crushing. that I haven't allowed myself to act selfishly because of emotion) #so in that sense I do feel a little proud that me saying that I'm not going to even think about things like romance or qpps #wasn't just me 'saying it' while still technically wanting it and craving for it #I truly did take that literally and took a lot of time to just... process things and explore my issues #and I think that's what allowed me to come to this realization naturally myself- that I am NOT hopeless #and that I was just throwing a childish tantrum because processing emotions that felt out of control felt 'too difficult' to even try #it's like a child refusing to even try to learn tying their shoelaces just because they don't quite 'get' how to make a knot yet #mm... I'm glad I've made that progress. it's not that it magically fixes everything that was wrong to begin with about me #and my attitude towards emotions and feelings like attraction and affection and even love #but it does to me at least show that I've overcome one obstacle of many and AM making progress even if it's not immediately visible

[icharchivist]

i have my grips with the anime but there’s really some scenes it completely nailed (like Itaru’s gamer reveal), and when i reach those specific scene in the VN i really can’t stop thinking about just how good the anime was for those scenes in particular.

Case in point right now: the moment they’re trying to give out flyers for RomeJuli in the street and no one is stopping, so Masumi ends up, unprompted, to act out one of the scene as to bring attention to it.

i’ve rewatched the anime so many times it actually surprised me how abrupt the transition from Flyers to “Masumi is acting” is, it’s nice but, man. 

The fact the anime really shows when it clicks for Masumi that it would work, then having him, in silence, give his flyers away so he can then focus on acting, and seeing Izumi and Sakuya look at him, perplexed, before he starts acting and they catch on on what he’s doing, makes it flow so much better

A3 is a VN that really utilize the VN format extremely well, so it’s not especially a tackle on the VN itself, and there’s really a few things i think the anime did considerably worse, but this scene? kind of justify the anime’s existence for a bit because just remembering it gives me chill. 

#one of the reason the spring chapter is probably the best adapted one in anime form #more than just 'it's shorter than the rest so they had less to cut' #is that the few things they did cut i did see myself go yeah yknow what that's a fine exclusion #i have much more problems with what they cut later on but in spring for the most part it's good decisions #(except like. removing Tsuzuru's RomeJuli's backstory explaination) #and in the end it's mostly because. All the changes to Spring? Specifically manage to give a better image of Masumi. #Like i do like to feed on the crumbs of Masumi-not-being-obsessed-with-Izumi we get #and we do get a lot of them actually!! at least in the main chap #(also like when it sinks him to him that Saku has Trauma:tm: and how he does talk it out with Citron in a caring manner) #but a lot of times bc of awkward pacing just like this one it doesn't really hit as well as it could #and i think it impacts how much harder it is to appreciate Massu #honestly the anime did a lot of work in trying to pace out Massu's storybeats so that they have a better moment to shine #while also giving him a couple more scenes like being excited of rehearsing with Saku that reflects well on his character #like disclaimers in the tags but while i'm perhaps more 'meh' on the 'liking him still' scale with massu #i'm also team 'i can't stand his izumi's obsession it drives me insane' #but man i do think the crumbs are tasty and maybe i'm just making up a new chara in my head out of them #but i'll still care for them damnit!!! i'm not going to let this decision reflect on a son!!! #but i was realizing a few anime rewatch ago that i didn't mind Massu as much in the anime as he annoyed me in the VN #and now that i'm rereading the VN i think i'm getting why re: pacing #it's interesting tbh #ichablogging a3

[noxtivagus]

i feel so sick hdjfjsjfksj

#🌙.rambles #thankfully i don't have much to do today #i'm nearly done w 1 ( which i was working on yesterday then forgot ) #i haven't started the other but it's easy #i'm so tired >.> #i realized it's been months since i've last been sick #for the whole summer despite how badly i was taking care of myself #i didn't get sick at all huh #my eyes r so tired #not in a sleepy way but the sick way #i think i managed to get at least 7 hours of sleep #not 8 bcs i woke up at 3 n ate medicine n it took me a while to go back to sleep bcs i felt so hot #when i'm sick it's either i become very affectionate #or the opposite. very distant #i guess rn it's the latter bcs i want to cut everyone out of my life n hug my mom till i die #maybe i cld nap a bit during mass #idk my sleep got cut so i feel so tired but i'm not exactly sleepy #i have been playing for more than 1 hour but i think i've been afking for most of it #huh i wonder tho #is it really so strange that apollo n i aren't online #oh it's been 3 days since i last talked in our server #idc rn while i'm sick. i could talk to no one else for a month n i wld survive (ofc) #i'll talk to ppl again when i feel better bcs i really can't be fucked #unless you're an online friend rn #i'll just drop in n go online for a bit later maybe #bcs i don't want to ignore others #i just feel. really tired rn. too sick to initiate anything so don't expect anything from me

[phantasieandmirare]

I'm reading Wheel of Time and just got to An Event in Knife of Dreams, putting it under the cut in case anyone else is reading them as a fresh face to the WoT universe too cause I don't want to spoil it

I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT, I KNEW MOIRAINE WASN'T DEAD, and right as I had just reached the point of 'What if she is and I'm just reading too much into this and I'm just going to be disappointed in the end when there's no pay-off to the foreshadowing I created in my head' but NO, I WAS RIGHT AND SHE'S ALIVE AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE A RESCUE ARC, LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

#wheel of time #the wheel of time #THIS IS THE THING I'VE BEEN PHYSICALLY HOLDING MYSELF BACK FROM FROM CONFIRMING ONLINE #I WAS SO GOOD AND NOW PAY-OFF #WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO #anyway #this and three more books i am so excited #i also definitely can see how the initial plan was to do one more book after this #then brandon sanderson wrote out the manuscript and was like 'oh yeah no this isn't gonna cut it as one 3000-page book #i'm so excited the entire series (at least for me) has read /so well/ in groups of three viewing them as individual trilogies/arcs #and not at all cause i bought the five box sets #of three books each #so that last set of three is going to be SO GOOD #i also read new spring right after crossroads of twilight cause i followed publishing order #and i didn't want to potentially spoil myself in reading new spring first and there being information in there that spoils later books #you've all read prequels you know how that happens sometimes #so new spring counted with crossroads of twilight and knife of dreams as a trilogy set #anyway i'm so sorry i'm excited and i've loved reading these so much

[edelorion]

#edel vents #disclaimer: really personal issues in the tags. also wishes of death upon others. this is PROBABLY too much information tbh... #so if you're not up for it scroll down fast!!!! the deluge is coming!!! #today was... eventful. bad. also very bad. grandma's birthday celebration was today #and while she... definitely has Old People Issues (racist) shes also very lonely since the death of my grandfather so i can't really not go #i'm the only one who really visits her regularly to begin with #aside from the... very serious racism issue... she's “alright”. i guess. but that's besides the point. there's family there #and among those... my parents. which i don't like to talk to #discovered they threw more of my old stuff away. typical. wanted to strangle them. as usual. #had to “talk” with my mother (read: spend approximately ten seconds reciting exactly why i *don't* talk to her anymore) #so that whole ordeal completely soured my mood. #went home tired. can't really do anything right now. #at least the food was good i guess. but i also really want to cry... which i can't. which sucks. #...i really like to think i've improved as a person. i used to be really hateful of everything and everyone #worst of all myself. still kinda do but i'm... getting better..? #i like to think i've grown past most of it but every time i see my parents i feel this gripping at my heart. as if i haven't really changed #as if instead i'm still the hateful person i “always was” deep down... bc there's this visceral joy that i feel whenever i'm mad at them. #when i looked at my mother and told her how much i despise her i felt a shiver of happiness. righteousness. #to be clear: i do NOT care for her. at all. she's the worst person on this earth #and the only person whom my philosophy of “nobody deserves to die” does NOT apply to. i'm not scared of hating her. #she genuinely deserves this. but...every time i see my parents - and thus her... i feel as if i'm slipping back into that mindset of hatred #i don't want that. not anymore. it consumed me whole. i was a horrible person back then and i've caused so much grief for so many #i can't let go of this hatred. i can't forgive them. they don't deserve my forgiveness anyway. but i'm tired of hating. #i'm tired of letting that hatred define me. i'm tired of letting that hatred direct me. i'm tired of letting it bring me to ruin. #i'm tired of being who i was. i'm no longer “that”. i'm edel now and i'm happy for people now. if i don't like something i just walk out. #i can just leave. “if it sucks hit the bricks” right?.. but i didn't. i had to say it. i had to tell them. her. and i liked it. #and... i'm scared of that. because it tells me i haven't improved. #i'm not sure what i'm expecting out of posting this i guess. maybe help. maybe i wanna be told that this is normal or something. #maybe i just want to get my thoughts in order. i don't know. i'm gonna stop writing now. #sorry for making you read all this. thanks for doing it anyway. tags were cut off on this one btw so it may look like a mess. but. yeah.