#but despite all that i know i cant stay

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

caterpillar? more like cu. more like cunty. cuntypil. um.

#you're honor he's a bastard and a capitalist but despite his faults i love him very much #so i think he should be Absolved of all crimes and allowed to stay silly w/ it #he's really The Guy of all time... #cant wait to see more of him!!! #man now i gotta go listen to his audios i need to hear his goofy ass voice again <3 #scribble salad #welcome home #welcome home puppet show #howdy pillar #blowing him a kiss and then chucking the communist manifesto at his tube head #i could radicalize him... #no actually i dont think Anyone could #he doesnt even get paid. he's out there scamming and lying for shits and gigs #i fear that he's beyond redemption but That's Okay!!! #i support howdy pillar rights AND wrongs <3 #i have faith that he'll pay through suffering The Horrors and fuck knows what else <3 #i need him to get tossed around like a ragdoll in a rabid dog's mouth #tear the bitch apart! (said so so So affectionately)

[elnathsstar]

Listen, I am aromantic, but it's getting cold and dark and I so desperately want somebody who I can cuddle under my covers with, somebody I can teach to dance, somebody I can drag outside at night when we're supposed to be inside, and it's so cold that it could start snowing any minute, or maybe already be snowing, and then we would go and sit in the dark at the lake with the lights while listening to Taylor Swift and sharing my headphones, and then dancing around outside to mirrorball and not caring who sees us because we are so madly platonically in love with each other that we only care about the other. I want somebody to drag around charity shops while I plan my Halloween costume, and my birthday outfit, and the outfit for the various Christmas parties I will take them too- even the one hosted by the church that I usually end up just sitting in a side room watching whatever Nativity movie they put on for the entire time. The kids would ask if we were dating, and we'd just look at each other and giggle, while my parents and grandparents who are watching us bicker over an Uno game are thinking about how pure our love is. Kisses are always an option, but never pushed for, and even if the other person liked me romantically they would be okay with and understand how I don't feel the exact same way, but I still love them so so much. Like a platonic soulmate. We would share clothes, and I'd save them a piece of my birthday cake, if they weren't already there for it. We would go on walks together, and they would be one of the first people I call when the cold weather is affecting my mood or my health, and then they would come over unprompted with something sweet and a hoodie. We would both chill on my bed, not caring about how cramped it is or the fact that my bed is a high rise so we can't sit up straight, because we don't have any trouble with being close to the other, and on days where it may be hard to be physically close to someone, they would sit back patiently and read me a chapter of whatever book we had picked up, pausing to add their own witty comments and applauding me when I guess what will happen next accurately. We wouldn't even necessarily be 'dating'- and we wouldn't label what we had as romantic, despite the dates and the kisses and the cuddles, and we'd both be fine with it. We would just exist together, in the same space, comfortably.

I want to be wanted.

#but i know i wont get something like that because i push everyone away and cant stay emotionally stable or happy #and nobody wants to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't like them romantically and doesn't want to label it as #a romantic relationship despite all of the things that you're doing which are romance coded #I want somebody to love without having to LOVE them. #But I would love them more than anyone and anything else #just not romantically. #But nobody wants that. #I want to be able to teach somebody to dance. #(I was gonna post this privately but realised some people might relate so yeah just have this lol) #aromantic #aroace #arospec

[perenlop]

theres something so odd about how team skull is characterized in the anime. like. in the games theyre a nuisance with a sad backstory to them and they take it out through rage, especially guzma. them teaming up with the aether foundation comes across as lusamine manipulating guzma tbh, like hes just a lackey to her

and then in the anime they water down how gross aether was by limiting the crimes to just faba being a dick instead of the entire foundation being complicit, and in return team skull has their backstory ignored for the most part and theyre perfectly willing to gang up on and hurt a six year old cause she told them not to be mean. like yes they were villains in the game but that just feels weird for them

#guzma in particular is. ouch #first off i hate that they went ‘’oh guzma doesn’t understand his goliopsods ability ha ha he just thinks its epic and nothing else’’ #when the subtle symbolism of him having a goliopsod considering his motive and backstory is SO good #and it matches his actions in the story too when he starts hiding in ultra space instead of staying with lusamine #cause despite being a big bad boss… hes still that scared weak little kid. #like hes one of the better written antagonists why did you do that to him #yeah i know they couldnt have gotten away with implying his dad beat him like in the games but its weird #how a show so focused on family doesnt seem to care abt guzma having a troubled past at all #idek if he makes a family with team skull cause i cant tell beyond him calling them brothers #it comes across more like he just finds them to be annoying lackeys at certain points #idk maybe ill change my mind during ash vs guzma but i dont like it so far #also why did kiawe’s parents send their 6 year old on a boat to another island unchaperoned #echoed voice #sm lb

[hella1975]

i have such a reputation that four separate people incorporated pringles into my birthday gifts. be that girl

#to the point my one mate today (the one i almost ditched in that seminar LMAO) ((WAIT I NEED TO TELL YOUSE ABOUT HIM)) #anyway! he was like 'oh i actually got you something!' which given our dynamic despite RECENT DEVELOPMENTS AHEM #is so unusual like he was NOT required to get me a gift. but then i immediately was like 'it's pringles isn't it' #and he was just like 'sigh. yeah' LMFAOOOOO #and you know what? chuffed to utter bits. ive already eaten half of them in 24 hours. scranning even more as i type this #anyway back to that guy. so you know i sometimes mention my flatmate from first year who also happens to be on my course #so off the bat we've got a weird friendship bc he's not just a coursemate bc i also lived with him #but also first year halls were assigned not chosen so it's not like we were actually FRIENDS #especially bc my flat did NOTTT get on lmfao so me and him were mainly just. acquaintances who lived and studied together? #very strange foundation to have with someone. but we went all of second year barely staying in contact #and then this year we live in the same area and for the LIFE of me i cant remember how we got back in contact #but all of a sudden we were messaging every day and meeting up before lectures and sitting together in them and stuyding together etc #and we get on REALLY well like he has my exact sense of humour i know ive posted about him several times #over the past three years being like 'me and this guy are the funniest people i know' 'he would do bits on tumblr' etc #AND THE OTHER WEEK HE ADMITTED THAT HE LIKES ME AND WE WENT ON A DATE #AND IT WENT REALLY WELL BUT I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME FIGURE OUT HOW I FEEL ABOUT HIM #SO IM TRYING NOT TO PUT PRESSURE ON ANYTHING and i was super clear w him also that im not actively searching for anything #so if smthn happens organically then it happens but if not it's my final year and that will always take priority and he was super chill #so i dont feel like i HAVE to make a decision just yet but we're going out again tomorrow #and it's like. even if it doesnt become smthn romantic i just really click with him?? like we get on so well??? IT'S SO FUN #AND THAT'S WHAT MATTERS! WOOHOO! pringles post derailed by a MAN. awful #hella goes to uni

[hannahwashington]

sometimes you watch a classic movie and you're like "wow, this is totally fantastic! i get it now!" and other times you're like "wow, this is shit. people thought this was good? it didn't even accomplish what it seemingly set out to do." and sometimes the second category gets the addendum "well, at least it was pretty."

#and listen this isnt even me being like 'huuuhhhghh modern movie better' because yall Know im not like that #i cant fit in all the nuance i Want to fit in in these tags #i cant word what i want to say correctly #i guess what im trying to get at is #old movies that are significant for one reason or another can continue to stay so even in the modern day #and their messaging/etc holds up significantly well despite being from a totally different time #other times. well other times i have to question why audiences at the time found these movies so groundbreaking. #and how today people could uphold those movies. even with nostalgia invovled. #does any of that make sense. #anyway give me old movie recommendations :)

[depressedzelda]

I need like. A bible level miracle of an opportunity even suggest itself to me so i can possibly start a career in something lol

#its unfortunate but its true thay i am in fact running out of time i could be using to accomplish something meaningful and set myself up #for a promising future. like ill be having a late start regardless. but i know that this is something i have to do sooner or later #i cant stay in retail. i cant serve people who willingly politicize a genocide as it happens in real time #i know there are plenty of zionists here just based on the comic store job alone lol i know theyre here too #despite there also being plenty of palestinians that i have Already witnessed just outside my current work now get ostracized #its gut wrenching. i cant stay here #but i am abbbbsoLUTELY clueless in what i should be working towards #ill be honest...i dont like my new job and i Dont trust my boss. i dont like her. she is rude and unnecessarily so. #if i so much as wore a palestinian bracelet i know im going to relive some twilight zone stern talking to shit Again #what ever happened to community or humanity anyways im getting off topic lol #i just needed to write all these rebounding thoughts down theres a lot going on #i gotta go on a quest and figureee it out. you know #figure it OUT 💪💪💪

[scarycranegame]

a bit of a more serious post than usual so if you don't really wanna see that, i won't be upset at all if you keep scrolling.. the only reason why this is under a cut is because i myself don't really wanna look at it every time i scroll through my blog (is that a thing people do?? or am i just very self absorbed??? LMAO)

i'm a little concerned about urban himself and the direction he's taking his series.

like.. i'm all for creative expression, and i'm all for the idea of nobody policing anyone else's creative work for what can and can't be done in a certain narrative (let alone fiction in general), but i feel like the more interaction urban has had with his fanbase and the analog horror community in general, the more it's been affecting both him and his series.

i think that i should address his twitter presence and """controversy""" first, because that's the thing that's on everyone's mind when they hear "urbanspook" at this point.

i wanna preface this by saying that i fucking hate how people have been responding to all of this. what chezzkids and pastra are doing & have done is, indeed, harassment; they aren't criticizing urban's series, they're saying it shouldn't exist. both pastra and chezzkids can be quoted saying effectively the same thing: "urban should not have a platform, and by supporting him and his art, we're encouraging other people to make things similar to it, and that's bad." if you don't see the problem with that, let me spell it out for you: these are fascist, pro-censorship views that align with those of harmful far-right ideologies which call for the suppression of content made by and in support of marginalized people. if you're willing to overlook that because "icky shock horror bad!!!!", then i think you should log off of the internet and spend some time re-evaluating your perception of the world and those around you, especially those who are different than you. this man has been the victim of a targeted harassment campaign for, at most, a full year, and mocking him for lashing out as a result of said harassment is far more ableist than the phrase "autistic furry horror" will ever be.

with that being said, i greatly dislike the way urban conducts himself on twitter. yes, i know it's supposed to be ironic; yes, i know he's "trolling" and that everything he says on there is disingenuous..

...but this is the internet.

no one is going to genuinely believe it's all a big joke, no matter how many times urban says it and no matter how true it may be. they already don't see him from a very positive perspective, even if they don't have much of a justifiable reason to do so (although their reasoning is understandable to an extent), so playing up a purposefully "edgy, immature, rage-bait" persona might drive people away who may have otherwise been interested in the series. i've seen several testimonials from people who enjoy the series and have even created fan work, but are put off by urban's behavior on twitter, and some people have even gone so far as to claim that the series in of itself is objectively bad and devoid of any value solely because of the twitter situation despite not having watched a single video in the series. yeah, the whole point of the joke may be self-parody, the punchline might be that urban is playing up the analog horror community's wildly inaccurate perception of how he is as a person, but i feel like the joke's gone on a little bit too long to still be anything but harmful to urban and his presence on the internet. he's stated that after finishing his current series, he wants to step away from analog horror altogether and work on other things, but i fear that if the twitter antics continue the way they're going, that might not end up happening; either due to a lack of willingness on his part (after all, being around so much negativity for such a long time typically affects people very adversely), or due to a lack of remaining audience.

despite my concerns, however, it must be said that i don't know what any other communities he's active in are like, and if i had to guess, i would assume that his future work under the "urbanspook" name would be more in tune with his actual interests pertaining to the horror genre as opposed to anything in the orbit of the analog horror community. i could be completely wrong about the twitter business, and urban's effectiveness at creating things completely divorced from analog horror may not be compromised in the slightest. however, as a fan of his analog horror series, i still feel that it's important to suggest this possibility: even after it's finished, The Painter will still exist, and its association with this particular time in urban's online endeavors may make some people wary of giving it a chance when they otherwise may have enjoyed it.

speaking of urban's work, i think i should elaborate more on how urban's interactions with his fanbase are affecting the series itself as opposed to him and his online presence.

to put my view of where things are going in terms of urban's handling of the series, i remember reading a magazine interview with him at some point (i think it was either right before or right after PIGS was released) where he mentions that he got the idea of there being two killers from fan theories, which!! on paper it seems like a cool thing to do!! but recently with all of these new lore additions (ex., mask guy missing his face and acting like a dog, painter being female, revealing the killers' names at all, the episodes not being in chronological order, etc.), i'm starting to notice a sort of "matpat effect" (to coin a phrase) going on, where he's writing the story in such a way that canonizes fan theories just for the sake of canonizing those fan theories.. i don't find it very difficult to believe that all the people in his instagram/youtube comments asking the same exact questions over and over may have influenced his writing decisions a bit, and even though he himself has admitted he isn't the best writer, i think that the earlier episodes are the strongest of the series (sans PIGS and FAMILY, i love those two with all my heart and soul) and that urban's writing is best when it isn't influenced by the fanbase. (if anyone wants me to elaborate on this, let me know!! i might make a post at some point about what i think is different between the first few episodes and the newer episodes if anyone wants me to; i think legitimately analyzing this series is super fun and i have a lot of things to say about it!!)

all in all, i'm just really worried about urban. in the beginning, he seemed so adamant about being individual and unique with his series and his online presence; he defied so many expectations that people had regarding analog horror and those who create it and seemed so much happier to work on this series... but now it seems like he just wants to get it all over with so he can work on things he actually wants to work on, and all anyone sees him as is a caricature of someone who never even really existed in the first place outside of a moment of completely justified rage. his heart isn't in it anymore; at least, it doesn't seem like it to me, and i really hope that eventually all of this superficial, reactionary """controversy""" bullshit blows over and that maybe urban's remaining time in the analog horror community can be made at least a little bit more pleasant.

#let's get serious #urbanspook #the painter urbanspook #urbanspook analog horror #i can already hear the twitter pissbabies laughing at this post and calling me a ''MeAtRiDeR 🤓'' but honestly? i dont giv a fucky #i'd rather support a guy whose only crime was quite literally doing a little trolling #than people who unapologetically engage in targeted harassment against someone for creating something that they cant milk for content #or for.. [checks notes] not adhering to the word of the Almighty God of Analog Horror Alex Kister/sarcasm #(if it isnt obvious already i hate the mandela catalog fandom and alex kister LMAO) #no but seriously #i dont know urban and i probably never will (at least not personally) #but i care about him a lot and i support him 110% #even if he might be a little bit of an asshole on twitter sometimes #he made something that served as a gateway for me to meet incredible people and experience some incredible things #even the bad stuff that came from being in this fandom taught me valuable lessons and gave me new insight on life #this is the first fandom that i've ever really felt comfortable and welcome in; the first fandom that i might've actually had an impact on #and no amount of whiny puritans or washed-up fnaftubers or subpar ''horror'' creators can change that #yeah the series might not be the best but things dont have to be The Best™ or even objectively good at all in order to be enjoyed #and i enjoy this series. i enjoy the series' fanbase. i enjoy that despite it all this series EXISTS and nothing can make it not exist #it happened and no one can change that and people will inevitably make more things like it and i LOVE THAT #so in conclusion fuck pastra fuck chezzkids fuck minaxa ESPECIALLY urban stays winning and so does this fanbase kthxbye #scary crane rambles

[strwbrymlkshake]

you lied to me, and ruined everything, and ruined how I approach almost any romantic feeling at all. and all you can describe it as is having fucking beef with me. and you don't even recognize your own actions. you don't even fucking remember them. you aren't phased by it at all. I agonized, had meltdowns over it. losing me, ruining me was just a regular fucking day for you.

#mine #the other day i thought. why is my hatred worth it. why am i continuing with this? #🪳 #why am i continuing with something that happened so long ago. why do i CARE. and this is why. fucking indifference #no amount of fucking sorries will fix it. no amount of i love yous will fix it. #there is nothing you can do for my forgiveness other than die. <- banger post btw i need to make that #and this is just? fucking irrelevant to you? you changed the trajectory of my life forever and you can barely even remember #youre so wrapped up in your sick little romantic fantasy you dont even realize how many people hate you. #all the time i hear it. if so fucking many people hate the both of you and dont want you to be together then its not destiny! #you only stay together because youd be fucking nothing without eachother? so itd be best to just kill yourselves<3 #good evening yangang how are you all today. im balls to the wall batshit insane and about to get a murder charge #also good evening to everyone except terrible pieces of shit who i hate and want dead and who im writing this about. #me when i definitely have an undiagnosed mental disorder but idk what it is for sure so i just say im insane #like definitely BPD but there is something else too i feel like this cant just be one disorder #at this point i dont care if im forever regarded as a shit person because of all this. people dont really like me anyway? except val #shoutouts to val everybody. if they are reading this hii hello bestie #well there is a select few people who like me. but not enough that CARE about me. doomy for example is keeping me going #even if its just through mundane posting like this. i cant believe im liked let alone loved #maybe only my surface level personality is desirable but the more you get to know me the more annoying i am #well they still like me despite the fact im displaying every mental illness everyday on tumblr.com so thats niceys #no person is entirely bad or good. i feel like thats me though. i have so many bad actions. but so many good actions too. two halves #two wolves inside of you and all that business. thats me #also lotto to me to choosing the most shit idiot guys to care about ever this one isnt even responding to my misery #well he never responds to anyone elses misery either. and only mine if directly asked. #hes too much of a puzzle for miserable me to figure out. #well im done being angry here u go here's the post

[myownprivatcidaho]

thoseve yall who were here a year ago might remember that a year ago He was liking tweets like "idk how people can cheat when im in love im obsessed😍" and "the honeymoon stage rlly doesnt die if youre with the right person🥰" and he was liking stuff like that up till recently now shit like this is in his likes something is BROKEN in him

#i feel bad. i dont even mean it in a conceited way but i cant help but feel like a bit of this is my fault #hes so bright eyed and ambitious that the idea of him losing any of that idealism is nothing short of a goddamned tragedy im sorry #yes this is the guy who lead me on (unintentionally???) and flirted with me for a year despite seeing TWO people during that time #the latter of which became his girlfriend (who i told Everything to ...) #and like. he never apologized he never explained what was going on or why he acted like a fucking simp for a year #but basically we're not talking now and we're on bad terms and angry at each other #(me because. well yall were there for that . hes angry because i ratted his flirty ass out ) #god that all stings so bad i havent talked about the details of what happened to anyone...... #but yeah i just. even still after all this time i hope he stays bright eyed. the idea that he wouldnt is heartbreaking in and of itself. #that one crush situation lol #idk if theyre still together. it was early novembet i reached out to his gf and laid the whole thing out for her #& she said theyd 'take it from here' (??????) and was uncomfortable with me and him communicating with the knowledge that THAT ALL happened #even while they were together. i told her i could respect that (even though i wanted to ask her who the FUCK she thought she was. anyways) #and then i reached out to him one last time to clarify i wasnt dredging it up for retaliation or to break them up but bc she genuinely #deserved to know. then he sorta said fuck my feelings and then reiterated what his gf said that we shouldnt be talking anymore #its been radio silence since then from bothve them. if they did break up id feel bad (cause how COULDNT i?) but if they didnt. #that means the only factor that changed here was. well. his 'relationship'/chances of a relationship/flirtationship/friendship with me. #i dunno. im not gonna act like i have all the facts and im not gonna act like he hasnt screwed me over #but getting back to my main point. imagine knowing him and watching him lose his idealism. try not being heartbroken over that.

[pomfiores]

the grief after the loss is something so foreign but at the same time not new. how do you even explain that. just Big Big grief. i have her doll - its so worn and nasty but she loved this dirty thing and i can’t throw it away. can’t even cancel appointments/make calls/drink apple juice without falling apart and losing dignity lmao i’m so fuckedddd.

#◟ ⋆ㅤㅤif my hair's a mess﹐my mind's a mess.ㅤ( ooc ) #to delete * #i sit on it for a moment or even a second and the tears fall :thumbs up: #pet loss / #vent in tags / #cleaned up her kennel last night. cleaned up the bed. i have to clean the floor still. her bowl is here. just. ughhhh. #i brought in echo and idk if she even realizes. #im fine one moment then just falling apart and i get a headache for it. #ill stop lol i promise im just. still in shock. grief isnt new to me but this kind is. at the same time not #i lost a pet before but not like this. not putting them down. not sitting there for their last moments #i didnt want to but i know she'd look for me if i didnt stay just #its better for her. it was. considering the grand scheme it was so necessary #i have to clean the giant teddy bear i have bc we both used to sit on it but as things got worse #she started using the bathroom on it so thats necessary to clean but i just. can't bring myself to despite wanting to. needing to. #i know when i get her ashes im gonna break all over again thi sfucking sucks man #my brother said he respects me a lot for staying with her during those last minutes bc he couldnt with his dog- he wasnt strong enough #i dont feel strong enough i was falling apart in that office lol. #but your pets look for you when thats happening. in a room of strangers. they look for you. #cant see myself leaving any of my animals for themselves like that. itll hurt so fucking much i just know it. #this was hard i cant imagine for binx and echo. #setting yourself up for heartbreak with pets but i know ill do it again. #almost bursting into tears in public how fucking humiliating asjfha #crying in the vets office was humiliating enough but i didnt really care anymore #the vets were so kind but looking back i just cry again but idk what else to think of bc she's not here. #just traces and it sucks!!!! #edit: im probably gonna have to call work again and ask for another two days for bereavement lol #i did lose someone else too but this is my girl. i raised her. i put her down. #i cant pretend that much with a deep loss. i cried on the phone with my hr manager lmao that was fucking bad #might def cry more when i ask. im expecting them to let me bc these are my days off yesterday wasnt but #it was so abrupt.

[nerdie-faerie]

Why is it that when I'm sick, finishing work late because a load of people didn't show up and ongoing work drama, stressed about my upcoming essay and still have a hour walk before I can get home, my dad is apparently kicking off and threatening to kick me out when I'm not even there??

#ace is a mess #+Extra #personal #apparently hes kicking off about the fact i 'chose to pay off my loan' which isnt true i didnt get any tuition loan this year so i have to #pay it out of pocket and unlike some students i absolutely will not be receiving any financial support to do so so im working to pay it off #and hes apparently fuming about it and is bringing up the fact i owe him money cus when i asked for a nee laptop for Christmas for uni #and repeatedly specified that i just wanted the cheapest most basic option possible and even found several under the budget for gifts #my dad decided to get a more expensive one with a bigger screen which is not what i asked for or needed!! a bigger screen makes it #ten times more cumbersome to take to class for notes and assignments and ive ended up still having to borrow uni laptops regardless all #cus hes got some ongoing issue about me having my own finances & not being financially dependent on him so he keeps making a point about it #hes so transparent that its all a fcking control thing as it has been since i chose what i wanted to do at college and he didnt approve #and i didnt change it and stuck with it regardless because my career plans have nothing to do with him honestly #btching that if i can afford to pay off my loans i can afford to pay him back which i cant! i cant afford my tuition thats why im staying #over summer to keep working so i can pay off my debt im not paying it off i never had it im in debt! and if i dont pay it i wont be able #to continue with uni whereas he technically still owes me 2k he can be fcking patient about his money which i knew this was gonna happen #when he kept insisting there might not be cheap options available despite me finding multiple 🙄 #you know i get asked a lot why ive ended up at unis so far north when im from the south and its like i had to get away being half a days #drive away is the only way for my parents to physically leave me alone theyll still hound my phone but thats what airplane mode is for

[protectcosette]

living with a friend sure is a great way to find out you enjoy their company a lot less than you originally though

#certified protectcosette original #like #this dude genuinely thinks of gerard way as an asshole? i'm not even into mcr but his source is that his ex has a friend that dated gerard #idk about y'all but i personally don't go to people's exes gor character references #he acts like queer ppl who live in the city have a certain experience despite never really seeking out ppl with similar childhoods as him? #he's a TERRIBLE driver which i get bc his parents were terrible teachers and he just got his license a week ago #but like. he listens to music that distracts him and doesn't understand intersections in a way that makes me feel unsafe #and I can't drive bc my car battery is fucked so i'm kinda stuck with this kid who makes incredibly questionable decisions behind the wheel #and he will just start talking to me about stupid shit when i have headphones in. one of the most basic signs of 'dont talk to me' #and he's like. BARELY started looking for apartments. was deadass only looking on fucking zillow #homie i am letting you stay in my one bedroom with me bc your parents are abusive. not because i like sharing my bed with you #i need my goddamn quiet time back. i need space. he doesn't have anywhere else to go i really cant kick him out but this is making me crazy #ESPECIALLY AFTER LIKE 10 PM FOR FUCKS SAKE I AM LYING IN BED WITH MY HEADPHONES IN NOT LOOKING AT YOU AND NOT RESPONDING #why the FUCK are you just reading craigslist listings out loud? why are you reading me every text from this potential roommate? #why are you watching tiktoks 2 feet from my head with no earbuds? do you not know how rude that is? like jesus christ #all this on top of my car battery being dead and my dad threatening to stop paying for my therapy unless i comply with his demands #can i please have a little bit Less right now? literally begging #venting

[raccoonfagdyke]

.

#repented #i love seeing my family so much ya know ? definitely fun and not detrimental to my mental health #nothing better than feeling like an afterthought and an outcast a whats supposedly a family celebration #and i love love love watching my brother throw temper tantrums and knowing that somehow i #im gonna be vilified for all of it #so nice to be reminded of the fact that ill never truly be welcome there #and incredibly ecxited to say that while my neice is not allowed to be alone with me despite practically raising her my abusive brother can #take her to fucking monster trucks because hes and gone back to jesus #of course by repented i mean he changed none of his behavior and still treats his wife like shit but now he prays sometimes #and along with that i got a bunch of my sister staring at me with pity because i turned from god or whatever #my mom and my niece are the only ones who treat me normally #and my mom is still.... that relationship is complicated . and i feel like she looks at me like an alien most of the time #i wish i could go nc but i cant do that to my niece #maybe one day when shes fully formed shell say she doesnt want to associate with me and i can make a clean break #but my gut says shes gonna need me so i stay

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ay ay ay. my head feels like its stuffed completely full of cotton. bulging at the seems #its just that wrung out ive been crying too much feel. i just had to do a bunch of application stuff yesterday night #and there were way too many tears so i work up out of focus with salt in my eyelashes. so i wasnt that productive despite the fact i really #need to b rn. and i met with my boss for our weekly meeting and its just so many things i have to do #like theres this procedure for some new equipment we have and im testing it out but like she wants to see it in action and im like treading #close to dangerously unstable so the chances i burst into tears in public is quite high which is why i hide in my apartment and only go to #the lab when no ones there. but no im prob gonna have to go in Thursday and have to go drive like and hr away next week so we can hopefully #have all the equipment we need for another project thats gonna kill me. plus we got contacted by a group we were gonna work with last year #who wanna work with us again. which is objectively good like itll look real good on a cv to b involved and like even non science ppl would #prob find it cool. but i csnt feel any of that bc i dont kno how im gonna be able to go back and forth contacting the other lab group i #have to work with in order to do everything. which its like itll b fine #ive done it before. 2 of the 3 things i have done before so itll be fine. it just doesn't feel like it #it feels like im dissolving into pieces and everythings spinning too fast. theres a film between myself and everything else so i cant touch #anything and it cant touch me. #and its weird bc i know that burning myself out is what got me here but i still cant detatch myself from the soul crushing guilt of not #making every second productive. its disorienting bc my brain will b like: u should just stay here over break and get stuff done #and like no. thats objectively the worst thing i could possibly do. i just feel like a wet glob of paper towels. ive already committed #myself to only 13 days being gone. only have to trudge through like 21 days 1st. how? no idea #like im sure itll b fine but somethings gotta give before my brain implodes beyond repair. if were not there already #ay everytime my boss says something nice abt me to someone it just feels like a knife in the gut. like shes not lying but i just feel like #ive fallen so far that shes talking abt a past verson of me and it makes me sad. like idk how obvious it is but im sure i have terrible #vibes irl lol like the sort of pained twisted up little smiles u make when u dont wanna lie but u dont wanna b honest ay #itll b fine. i can feel the floorboards giving way so somethings close to giving just have to see where and in what form the metaphor #actulizes. hopefully it does so quickly bc im bored and tired of living like this. and i dont really wanna go home and explode into tears #like a child and have my parents deal with me. which they would bc theyre great. i just dont wanna worry them sigh... #unrelated #i should sleep bc i gotta get up and burn my brain out being a scribe tomorrow morning. at least i get to hang out with someone cool

[hella1975]

by pure evil accident taob zuko's current mental state is the exact same as the one ive been stuck in for the past few weeks and that's a bit funny to me. like i started writing this chapter months ago and knew what i was doing with it even longer ago and suddenly ive manifested it into reality. we are both facing the horrors rn

#when the angry character finally learns to acknowledge their rage not as its own problem but as a coping mechanism to the problem #& faces at once the relief of finding the source of all this anger & the horror of realising that the anger itself was never the final boss #and it leaves them in a depressive state where they actually MISS the anger because at least that was active and - in a sense - dignified #whereas this just feels stilted and mopey and like each day is passing and you're losing time doing nothing #but you cant shake it anyway and wow im no longer talking about zuko!!!! we stay embarassing ourselves over taob!!!! #like i realised just now while staring off into space stirring my tea that the reason this particular depressive episode has hit me so hard #(aside the fact it's been a pretty extreme one and my paranoia has rlly flared up to the point ive felt honest to god CRAZY lately haha) #is because it's so DIFFERENT to how i usually respond to feeling like this #like normally my temper gets very quick and i completely isolate and i get mean and sharp #and i convince myself that everyone is out to get me and/or hates me and therefore i must manipulate everyone in my life #and ofc NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE A GOOD RESPONSE. I AM NOT PROUD OF THEM #THEY ARE ALSO NOT NEARLY AS BAD AS HOW I USED TO BE HENCE I KNOW I AM GETTING BETTER #SLOWLY PAINFULLY WITH MY NAILS DIGGING IN THE DIRT BUT I AM GETTING BETTER ALL THE SAME #but STILL despite how awful those things are they're also very external. like i hurt the people around me in order to protect myself #and there's a dignity to that. there's more control there even if ultimately it's a lack of control causing it #like i have some fucked opinions from my upbringing and ik that like im quite a selfish person and it's bc i was raised to truly believe #that hurting others is always optimal over letting myself be seen as weak. like if my options are to hurt someone even someone i love #or let myself be vulnerable then sometimes i STILL will pick the former (it used to be all the time though <3 progress is progress) #and anger has always been sold to me as a very dignified STRONG emotion and it's how you're SUPPOSED to respond to badness #otherwise you're weak and a baby and pathetic etc etc #and just bc you know something is wrong doesnt mean you didnt internalise the fuck out of it anyway #like i will always see anger as the 'dignified' emotion and unlearning it regardless of that has been one of the hardest things ive done #('wow hella your own journey with mental illness is the literal exact same as taob zuko's-' i will hospitalise the both of us) #whereas currently ive just been sad and pathetic and oversharing to anyone who will listen and desperate for someone to look at me #and be like 'you're not okay' and to fix it FOR ME. like im not ANGRY im SAD and im not used to that response #AND GUESS WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS THIS CHAPTER BY PURE FUCKING COINCIDENCE?? LITERALLY WHAT #like it's been happening for a few chapters that we're finally moving from anger to sadness on my unofficial healing chart #ever since zuko's outburst with hakoda when zi se had that tantrum #but this is the first time we see Sad Coping Mechanism as a response to a problem instead of Angry Coping Mechanism #taob updates

[staryarn]

,

#vent tw #vent #i hate this #i hate how strong i have ti be for my health #how much longer do i have to got through this pain #every day is an actual hell to go through #it hurts it hurts so much #i have to just hold on until my next appointment #but its taking so much out of me just to go one with my day #im so tired of dealing with myself of dealing with people #it hurts my body my brain it all hurts so much #im so scared all the time because of my health and i have to pretend like im not to move on with my day #i dont bring my health up with others because i dont want to be negative and i just power through to meet their expectations #but god im starting to reach ny limits of crashing and burning bc of my health its bad #not hospital bad but disable my daily life so i cant do anything at all but barely exist in bed bad #its hard to even focus on a game or social media with how my health is #but i have to power through and just stay strong until my next appointment. I made it this far i can make it to the 28th #im trying to get as much done as i can becaus I hate feeling useless and I KNOW its bad but whats worse is my guilt if i dont do it #its so hard to eat w/o getting sick immediately its so hard to think without my brain hurting its literal hell for me rn #but i really try not to talk abt it bc i hate being a fucking downer or being the center of attention despite the fact that its important