#but lately i havent been in the mood for something that has it too heavily | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

khaleesiofalicante · 3 years

Note

me, nodding of to sleep: IM HERE IM HERE

did my head just loll to the side? you will never know. first of all this chapter was the most beautiful thing i have ever read. Mavid have my HEART. It's also 4 16 am so im sorry if the reactions are a little bland but this was PERFECT.

me, throughout the whole thing: mavid mavid mavid

They had kissed for the first time almost a week ago. And they had kissed again. A couple of times.

Okay fine, they had kissed a lot since then.

Not a lot a lot. But a lot.

Wait a minute. How much kissing was a lot of kissing?

this is adorable

“I heard he cried when he found out Lexi and Liv were dating,” David chuckled.

yup that's jace

“We have to pay to talk on the phone?” Max asked incredulously. “I thought it was free.”

“Of course it isn’t free, Max!” David chuckled. “We have to pay for WiFi too.”

“This is ridiculous!” Max said. “Next you will say we have to pay for electricity.”

“Um, we do have to pay for electricity,” David chuckled again.

we pay for water too

but max you didnt know-

“Don’t let them guilt trip you!” Max had chastised. “They like doing chores. Let them do it. They fight demons all day and then come home and do chores. I feel like it’s their form of therapy. They need this.”

cant relate nope

“I don’t know,” Max groaned. “My family is so dramatic.”

the lightwood-banes in one sentence

THERE ARE SO MANY FEELS MY HEART CANNOT CONTAIN

“Well, too late!” Max announced. “This date is going to be the best first date in the history of first of dates.”

In retrospect, he really shouldn’t have said that.

nah its gonna be great

“Perhaps you should just take him to the New York Library. They have, uh, books.”

yes that is what they keep in libraries

OH MY GOD THE FRIEND IS ELYASS

HERE'S MY FAVORITE DEMON Y'ALL

His parents would not be pleased if they knew Max was summoning demons for relationship advice.

But they had also encouraged Max to make friends with everyone regardless of their identity. So, technically this was their fault. They gave him very mixed messages.

well-

you know i really shouldnt have laughed at the demon attack news but for some reason i did

i blame my sleep deprivation

shit i feel sick

you know maybe i shouldve just waited till the morning...

ok but the demon attack is NOT coincidental

there is something going on

“I thought dragon demons were extinct!” Max yelled over the commotion.

well-

ANJALI

“Man, fuck the orders!” Max said in frustration.

if you get hurt ill kill you

oh it's not her

well fuck

“That was an Armani, you piece of shit!” Rafael yelled at the demon. Max almost laughed.

THE AUDACITY

It really did. Dragon demons smelled like they lived inside a boys locker room.

well that's nice to know

FUCK THEY ARE TALKING NOW???

ok what is going on

“Say the thing!!!”

“I’m not saying the damn thing, you maniac!”

“Say the thing!”

Rafael groaned and raised his hands, the alliance rune lighting up.

“I’m not just a shadowhunter,” Rafael said through gritted teeth. “I’m Magnus Bane’s son.”

LMAO THEM

“Well, demons are stupid,” Max pointed out.

“Yeah, that makes sense,” Rafael said with a mouthful of food. “You are half demon after all.”

Im so sleepy i cant even react to this

but THEM I CANT-

WHERE.IS.ALEC

Max wanted to laugh. Only David would worry about another person while being injured in the infirmary.

MUST BE PROTECTED

Max nodded; his throat still dry. He couldn’t stop staring at David. At the wound. At the blood.

Also, maybe the naked chest.

AHEM

OH MY GOD JAIME IS ALIVE

we're getting lightwood-bane fluff LET ME CRY

alec...

on one hand alec smoking is fucking hot BUT WITH THE MUNDANE DISEASES OH HELL NAH

“But it tastes so good when it’s from your plate!” Max said with a mouth full of food.

“Oh, you want my food? Here!” Rafael grinned and threw a piece of chicken at his face.

Max caught it with his mouth cause wasting food was a crime. “Thanks, bro!”

“You little s-”

HE CAUGHT IT IN HIS MOUTH

“And no fighting over chicken!” Bapak pointed out. “We can always summon some more.”

“Order,” dad corrected. “We don’t summon. We order. And then we pay.”

“How do we destroy capitalism if we have to pay for everything?” Max asked.

Max has a point y'know

“That’s rich coming from someone who is wearing an Armani jacket,” Max stuck out his tongue.

“It was a gift!” Rafael said, furiously chewing on his chicken.

“Does that mean Bapak is a capitalist?” Max asked.

LMAO

Max: What even-

Max: Can shadowhunters get high on iratzes lol

CAN THEY???

David: Mr Herondale yelled “Yes! Two out of three!”

MOOD

PLEASE RAFAEL AND MAGNUS ARE LIKE "About time"

SAME THOUGH

“David is what you get if Dad and Uncle Jace and Uncle Jem had a baby.”

STOP NO

“Oh,” Max said. “Uh, David and I…We are dating.”

Dad choked on his coffee. “Excuse me?”

Bapak chuckled next to him. “Of course you didn’t know.”

“You two are dating?” dad demanded. “Since when? Who else knows about this? Why didn’t you tell us before? Were you dating when you were in London? Magnus, did you know about this?”

“There you go!” Max yelled triumphantly. “That’s the dramatic reaction I was looking for. Thanks, dad!”

There's alec. Yup

OH MY GOD NOT THE SEX TALK

good thing i had wattpad I MEAN-

“Kissing?” dad gaped. “On the mouth???”

“Um, where else would we kiss?” Max asked incredulously.

“Well, actually,” Bapa cleared his throat. “There are many ways you can enjoy-”

IM CACKLING

And that’s how the next hour turned out to be the most painful and most embarrassing hour of his life.

Max decided he would rather get attacked by a hoard of dragon demons than sit through it any longer

“You guys know we have something called the internet, right?” Max demanded.

“Well, the internet can have mixed messages,” Bapak sniffed. “We on the other hand have real life experien-”

“Magnus!” dad looked red in the face.

“Fine,” Bapak sighed. “Now moving on to the importance of lubrication and-”

“I’m begging you to stop,” Max groaned.

THE NOISES WHICH LEFT MY MOUTH ARE NOT OK TO BE MAKING AT 3 30 AM

“I’ll have you know this conversation utterly traumatized me. I demand financial compensation.”

HE'S SO DRAMATIC

“Well,” dad said carefully. “David is…”

“French?” Max asked.

i blame my sleep deprived ass for laughing at this

next thing i know someone's being tortured and im laughing because i dont have sleep in my system

Max honey...

listen to him

i for one, dont want a repeat of pg 511 cols

oh he's finding out about the incident

that's what i call it

Max thought of all the stories he had heard then. The one of the warlock who killed people who he could bring back his dead girlfriend. The one about a nephilim mother who paired up with prince of hell to bring back her dead son.

oh yeah...

shudder

They called it The Jem effect.

AYYYYY

It was true. In fact, he used to have a crush on both Tessa and Jem. It’s how he had found he was bisexual.

very very valid. have a good day sir

AWW MAX DIDNT KNOW HE COULD BLUSH

you know it's a sign ive been watching b99 too much that i was imagining mina talking like gina...

pls send help

ALSO MINA BESTEST SDCHJDFVYDYUGFYUGFVDYVFD

“Can we not talk about my boyfriend’s sperm, please?”

im surprised my parents havent woken up by the sound i let out

BUT HEY THE DOOR'S CLOSED SO

SUGGENS MINA

“I’m hearing an inflated sense of self-importance,” he heard Ragnor call from the bathroom. “Is Magnus here?”

“Just the spawn,” Max called back.

THE SPAWN BYE-

“He is married to the Consul!” Tessa chuckled. “And one of his sons is a shadowhunter.”

“It’s still very bad for our reputation,” Ragnor grumbled. “He is too close with shadowhunters.”

“You are the headmaster of Scholomance!” Catarina said incredulously. “You teach nephilim! Even though you don’t need a job!”

“I was coerced!” Ragnor huffed. “Manipulated by the children of the angel.”

really ragnor?

The grin disappeared and Ragnor buried his face on Catarina’s shoulder. “I can’t go through this again, Cat! Not again!”

“So much for not taking up after his father, huh?” Catarina chuckled and looked at him. “That’s nice, Max. We are happy for you.”

“We are not!” Ragnor said in a muffled voice.

RAGNOR DJHDCUHUKIHDVVFDDB

OOOO MAX DIDNT KNOW ABOUT CAMILLE

a kind of endless love...

dont make me cry

“I know you are worried, love,” Tessa’s voice was a whisper. “You are worried about surviving after David. You are worried about your own heart. But you should never let that fear stop you from finding love. Because love is what sustains us immortals. It keeps us alive. When you love a mortal, you love them forever. You might not remember all the memories. The colour of their eyes or the sound of their voice. But you will remember the love. You will carry that love inside you forever. It does not make you weak or fragile. It makes you stronger. And you will forever be grateful for it.”

my eyeballs are too tired to cry

stop it

THEY SAID I LOVE YOU

I FEEL LIKE A PROUD MOM

bitch you hate children wtf-

Max laughed. “I’m going to kill dad for making us do this. God, this is so weird!”

better get it done now

HE'S DAVID'S FOREVER

dont do this to me at 4 am

“You should two should some spend time together. Get to know each other and all of that,” Max suggested with a smile. “Maybe you can bond over archery or something.”

“I’m pretty sure he would use me for target practice,” David mumbled.

“Don’t be ridiculous, David!” Max said incredulously. “My father doesn’t need target practice!”

At this point, a David and alec scene isn't a want its a NEED

“I got it all planned,” Max said – for someone who had no idea what he was going to do.

me throughout life

max Rafael isn't the one smoking-

OH MY GOD MY DAD JUST CAME TO CHECK ON ME THE WAY I SLAMMED MY LAPTOP

“Also tell him to stop smoking!” Max pointed out seriously. “It’s not good for his health! Especially with all the mundane illnesses going on.”

“I know, Max,” dad sighed heavily and blinked. “I mean, I’ll talk to him. For sure.”

Alec if anything happens to you...just know ill raise hell

“I don’t want easy,” David smiled. “I want you.”

IT'S 4 AM DUDE

AYYY THE SHANGHAI SHADOW MARKET

CELESTIAL PALACE

“Dad? The Consul? That dad?” David looked surprised and relieved all at once. “Oh my god, he doesn’t hate me!”

“Of course he doesn’t hate you!” Max chuckled. “But he did say he will put your nerd ass in the silent city if you don’t bring me home by 11.”

of course, he did

oh my god SLEEP. there is so much to do tomorrow dying...my grammar was really bad and I don't have what it takes to use Grammarly's corrections except for the ones it's already doing as type.

this chapter had my heart BURSTING!! AHHHHHHH

the talk was so important I'm so glad they took care of that. ok imma head to bed now BYEE

Eeeeeee this was a lot sfkjdfkd I hope you are okay. Get some sleep next time or I will call the police.

Thank you as always for reading, reacting and supporting 💚

#lbaf

11 notes · View notes

blackfiire · 5 years

Text

// apologies for piss poor activity. I havent been feeling like myself lately. And be that I’m super sensative to changing seasons, my mood has taken a crash-dive. My depression is at an all time high lol.

For now I’m just prioritizing small things and threads I am heavily interested in to reply to. I hope you dont mind. 😞 If you would like to thread with me, please let me know via IMs so we can work something out. I am at a state where I’m just. Too tired to even send starter memes and memes in general. I need a little nudge and a crutch to keep me afloat.

So yeah. If you want a Blackfire, my IMs are wide open. ☺️

#( ooc ) 'here comes a thought.'#( tbd ) 'to be destroyed.'#depression mention

10 notes · View notes

safrona-shadowsun · 5 years

Text

Borrowed this neat little list from @ask-iraiel.

01. Oldest OC: This would be the departed @lady-handhour, who started off as a human (Gilnean) Warlock character in Vanilla WoW, and my very first heavily Rp’d character. She is now a banshee that is bound to the Ghostlands and surprisingly is still fun and interesting for me to write after all these years.

02. Newest OC: @wraithsongs is my newest character, a Dark Ranger. I haven’t written very much for her or introduced her to RP, her blog just merely aesthetics now, so I haven’t done a lot of advertising, but she will be getting some stand alone stories very soon.

03: Favorite OC: A hard question, as I like something about each character I was inspired to create and develop. My favorite to write for and develop has been @echoesofthelight lately, I think, though who I end up writing/rping for is really influenced on my daily mood and the interest shown in a character by others.

04 Favorite OC Design: I really love sketching out my more supernatural-looking characters, and of them @gravekeeper-anna has been the most fun to play around with. Though she recently had a more darkly whimsical look to her, she’s recently going through some revisions to her design, and its been an interesting challenge to try to put together what she looks like now as I take my group’s Rp contributions into consideration. (Truly some amazing writing occurred and I love the people that support my little forsaken lady so much. )

05 Main Reason for Making OC’s: Rolling a character and developing an OC are two very different things for me, and usually an OC comes out of an idea that haunts me or one that is built through a bridge of stories on one of my already existing characters. Inspiration is a very large motivator for me, and I usually can’t go on playing a toon I create unless they really come alive for me in my mind.

06. Describe Your Character Creating Process: This is probably intertwined a lot with the answer for number 5...it all starts with being inspired by something, being haunted by a concept for days or weeks that I can’t shake. Usually I’ll start writing some the concept, sketch out things for myself, and then I’ll share my ideas with an Rp friend I trust to see if it sounds...well, sound. Then if I’m lucky and confident with my idea, I can see it flourish into stories and Rp, and maybe even more grounded art.

07: Character Ships: The word ‘ship’ has a few meanings for me, as they can mean different types of relationships continuously written with a regular rp partner that for me, revolve around character exploration and development. I currently have a romantically-inclined ‘ship’ between Safrona here and @thefirstperished. On @echoesofthelight I tend to do a lot of character developing with @renwyck’s writer, a platonic relationship. And @roselyn-ravenblade has a mentor/mentee relationtionship with @asharinhun, and she also has a fine friendship building with @natereising.

08: My favorite OC ship has been what has developed between Safrona and @thefirstperished. It was something that was organically Rp’d and a little unexpected, but has been very satisfying. There is a rich intimate exploration into both of our very not normal characters that always pulls me right in and keeps me and Saf both on our toes, or sinking in a sea of feels or even snickering to myself. Throw in there that I just admire The First as an amazingly written character in his own right, I’m just always looking forward to see this deeply bonded relationship develop however the way it does.

09. Weirdest OC: I think the majority of my characters have a little ‘weirdness’ to them, and that is what makes them enjoyable for me to write. I think the weirdest concept I have is my Forsaken Monk at @danseindeath which is possibly too off kilter to even legitimately RP. I love her twisted, violent aesthetic though, so I keep her blog around. That’s where the most disturbing of my inspiration goes, likely.

10. Villains? @danseindeath was supposed to be the most villainous of my roster, but not sure anymore, as I’m not actively writing that character. I honestly have trouble writing a clear hero, or a clear villain. I usually play with moralities, dancing in a grey area. There is always a reason for the things one does. I suppose right now @lady-handhour is my most ‘lawful evil’ of my characters, but on the whole, most consider undead and their motivations to be ‘evil’.

11. Would you consider yourself nice to your OCS? I didn’t used to be. I think I liked writing tragic characters much too much. Many of my characters don’t have great orgins, and some characters, by the gods, did I put them through the wringer. But I’m coming to a point that some of these characters I’ve written for so long falling into pitfall after pitfall of ruin (some ten years rl in running) deserve some positive development for once, or having things work in their favor.

12. An OC you’ve killed (if you havent killed anyone, who would you kill?) Most recently I tried to permanently retire @gravekeeper-anna after the assault on Lordaeron by the Alliance after Teldrassil’s burning with her execution, but some dear writer friends weren’t having that at all, so she is returning, slowly but surely. :) A grateful nod must go to @sanguinesorceress, @duraxxor, @silvertonguedaggermaw and @nixalegos for inspiring her recreation.

13. Are any of your OC’s parents? Safrona has had terrible luck being a parent, but she can remember some semblence of what it felt to have a child, somehow. As can @lady-handhour. @gravekeeper-anna is the a motherly guardian to the Lost of Lordaeron in a way, but right now, it is @wraithsongs that has had a child survive her, and sadly, it probably breaks her brain. Maybe one day one of my characters will get to have a healthy parent-child relationship, who knows?

14. Are there any OC’s you find yourself neglecting? I find I’m neglecting @delaurac a lot mostly because his story has fell flat on its face for me and I think I’ve fallen into making him a punching bag, and I probably don’t want to go that route again with ANOTHER character. Just lack of steady inspiration for me when it comes to Quint.

15. An OC that is difficult to write/draw/rp: That would be Saraj the Ethereal. I have always, always wanted an Ethereal character, but he falls into all those categories of being a highly intelligent, centuries? old entity that I just don’t have enough lore on to a point that I don’t know if I can ever deeply write him, while also being very hard to draw as a space mummy, and being someone that just shows up as cameos for the Courier. I dearly love this character though.

16: Tallest/Shortest OC: Shortest: @roselyn-handhour, tallest is Safrona’s Shivarra, that I sometimes bring in as an IC interation.

17: Oldest and Youngest OCs: Youngest OC is @roselyn-ravenblade in her early-mid twenties and the oldest is Saraj who is...who knows how old Ethereals are.

18: Do you dislike any of your OCs? Well. I wouldn’t ever want to meet @danseindeath in real life, but the idea of her intrigued my horror-appreciating brain.

19: Have you ever made a self-insert? I think there are aspects we identify with or that intrigue us as writers that we put into characters to make them relatable to us and therefore inspire us to write, but I stayed away for a long time from really putting big chunks of my personality into my characters. They were for a long time art that I released into the world, subjects that I subjected to stories, environs, and the impact of other characters on their existences. That changed a little with @roselyn-ravenblade, as I just started writing her half the time with my own reactions in a social environment. And its made her feel more of a real character to me as an effect, and its all kinda amusing.

20: An OC regret: I regret sometimes letting myself get too carried with making characters. I feel like I sometimes don’t have the brain to keep up with them all. Its often a feeling that makes me want to shelf a character, or retire them, but I never can pick who. And then I just feel like I’m giving up on one of my creations.

21: An OC you didn’t expect to be popular: I honestly did not expect Safrona to be so popular. She is a courier. There should have been nothing very interesting about that. She was my very first Tumblr account though, and she’s been around for a time here, and I was fairly active in having her interact with people. Am still a little stunned at the follower count she has, and moreover that it isn't dropping. I don't feel she is as popular with people now despite all this, just an old account and characterization I haven't shelved. This of course does not wither my massive love and gratitude for those that have written with Saf, ever liked her posts or reblogged, complimented and supported this character somehow. Just still pleasantly surprised.

22: An OC you didn’t expect to love: Many years ago, there was this gnomish warlock I knew in Vanilla Wow that really grew on me that I cant even remember the name of. He completely stuttered through his every word consistently, and while reading his text may have been annoying to some, I just appreciated the time he put into his characterization so much and how well he was rp'd with anyone and everyone that any group rp function we ever had felt a little empty if he was not attending. He is probably the reason for near automatically loving gnome rpers when I see/read about them. Strangely, I never really had a good gnome character that I could think of rping myself.

#ooc #OC prompt meme

12 notes · View notes

firelxdykatara · 5 years

Text

Day 2: Hidden Identities

So this is a day late, but hopefully not a dollar short! (lol kill me my jokes suck) ANYWAY, this is for Day 2 of @thirtydaysofzutara and was heavily inspired by @artcraawl‘s amazing Zutara Mulan AU pictures. Some of it is directly from the movie, some is embellished, anyway I hope it’s a fun read, as I certainly had fun writing it!

---

“I don’t know if I can do this, Tui.”

Katara gave one more half-hearted tug, but her father’s sword remained stubbornly embedded in the tree’s trunk. With a sigh, she flopped to the ground, thumping her fists against the hard-packed soil in frustration. Her companion, a silver dragon-lizard with impossibly black eyes, scurried up the tree and perched on the flat of the blade, tugging gently, but to no avail. “It’ll come out! You just have- to be- persistent!”

With a final tug, the lizard slipped from the blade and fell to the ground. Katara pushed herself up on her elbows with a groan. “I’ve been persistent! It’s not working! I haven’t even been able to get that stupid arrow out of the pole.”

“No one else has, either,” Tui pointed out, curling her tail over her shoulder and rubbing a spot of dirt from her scales.

“That’s not the point.” Katara sat up and pushed herself to her feet. “They belong here. They don’t have to prove anything.”

“Neither do you, as far as they know.”

“Sure, and what happens when they find-”

“Who are you talking to, Tak?”

Katara froze. Tui scampered into the bushes with an alarmed squeak, and the moment stretched uncomfortably, as the woman tried desperately to convince herself that voice belonged to someone—anyone—else. It didn’t work; she was pretty sure she could feel his amber gaze burning holes into her back.

He had the disconcerting ability to make her feel like he could see right through her façade—through the warrior she was trying to be, to the scared, homesick girl beneath.

Time sped up again, and Katara turned to look at Zuko, who was standing behind her with his arms crossed and one eyebrow raised.

“Uh…” she began, before realizing her voice was pitched too high, coughing to cover it up. “No one! I’m just, talking to… myself…” She trailed off, rubbing the back of her neck with one hand (mostly to hide the fact that she kept reaching for a lock of hair that just wasn’t there anymore). Her eyes slid to her sword, still sunk into the tree trunk, about the same time Zuko’s did. Disapproval radiated from his lithe form in waves, and Katara had to fight back the nervous laughter that kept threatening to bubble up.

“Oh, this is… I was just training…” she said, grabbing the hilt tightly in both hands. It still refused to move, and she braced herself with one foot on the trunk. Finally, with an almighty yank, the sword came free, and the momentum sent her careening off-balance.

Zuko ducked just in time—the blade passed a hair’s breadth over his head.

“Oops,” Katara muttered, giving a weak chuckle as she clumsily shoved her sword back into its sheath. “Cut it a little close there-” Spirits, Katara, stop talking.

The captain looked less than impressed as he straightened back up, looking at her with some emotion in his eyes that she couldn’t quite describe. Then he sighed, shaking his head. “Pack up.”

Something churned unpleasantly in the pit of her stomach. “What?”

“Go home. You’re through here, Tak. I’ve tried my best, but you just aren’t suited for war—not in my company. And if you’re the best that Chief Hakoda could send in his own stead-” He broke off, squaring his shoulders. “You’d be more of a danger to your own comrades than the Fire Nation soldiers. And I won’t have good men, even you, needlessly killed because they weren’t ready.”

Katara watched as he walked away, trying very hard to keep from noticing the way his muscles had tensed (probably from anger) beneath the thin padding of his training vest. “He’s right. I know he is. But…”

Tui poked her head out of the bushes. “But you want to prove him wrong.”

A wry grimace twisted at her mouth. “I was too willful and stubborn to make a good wife, remember? It must be good for something.”

“So what are you going to do?”

The sun had set, the last of its amber glow receding from the skyline just as the full moon began to peek through the clouds. “I don’t know…” Katara murmured, gazing up at the sky—she traced the moonbeams with her eyes, until she caught one that illuminated the arrow still stuck at the top of that tall, wooden beam.

She could have had it down weeks ago, if she’d wanted to risk waterbending—but it was supposed to be a physical exercise. For all that she was at a disadvantage compared to the rest of the company (not that anyone but Sokka realized it), the last thing she wanted to do was prove herself by cheating. But there had to be some way to get to that arrow. And maybe, if she got it down herself…

Hours later, the only thing preventing her from screaming in frustration was the fact that Zuko’s tent was only ten feet away. “Come on,” she grunted, taking another running jump at the pole—and, as before, she made it a few feet before falling to the ground in an ungainly heap.

She might have had a better chance at getting higher, if not to the top, if it weren’t for the weights at her wrists. Katara picked herself up for the thousandth time, dropping the weights and dusting herself off. (It was a good thing her family didn’t seem to have the ‘quitter’ gene, or she might have contemplated just leaving, like she’d been told.) She couldn’t help the nagging feeling that there was something about this exercise that was missing, that she just didn’t understand. She picked up the weights again, holding them in front of her, inspecting the etchings in the gold. It was an ancient form of Earth Kingdom script, and she could only make out a few letters.

Somehow, she doubted anyone had carved a cheat sheet onto these things a thousand years ago, anyway.

But as the weights swayed gently on their leather ties, something occurred to her—it was so simple she could almost kick herself for not thinking of it sooner. It was so obvious. It wasn’t just about having to struggle against the weight. It was about discipline and strength—using them to her advantage.

Squaring her shoulders, Katara faced the pole again—this time, when she jumped, she swung the weights, tangling the leather ties together, and she began to climb.

Halfway up, she almost wanted to let go, forget the whole thing. Her arms were screaming in protest, and she kept slipping even as she gained inches in height—sweat was streaming down her face in small rivers, and she could feel her tunic sticking to her back. The cotton binding around her breasts was beginning to itch something fierce. But she had already gotten too far to quit, and so she kept going—gaining inches and losing centimeters, until she could see the top of the pole. She could almost reach out and grab that arrow.

The sun began to peek over the horizon once more, and Katara gasped for breath, her muscles screaming in agony as she grabbed the top of the pole and finally pulled herself up. It was a deceptively wide beam of wood, in fact, and easy enough to perch on was she grabbed the arrow in one tender hand and pulled it free.

It was only when the cheering began that she realized she’d drawn a crowd.

A tired grin crossed her face, and she subtley bent some of her sweat, coating the arrow-head with a thin layer of ice. Just as Zuko’s tent flap opened, she threw the arrow down—it landed with impressive accuracy, thudding into the ground at his feet as he stepped out. He looked up at her, and while it was difficult to tell from how far away she was, Katara almost thought he looked proud.

---

“I’m sorry. About your uncle.” Katara winced inwardly—she kept forgetting to pitch her voice low enough, but Zuko didn’t seem to notice. He was staring at the fire; if he’d heard a word she said, he didn’t indicate it. Which was almost a relief—she wasn’t sure she’d be able to get into a conversation about lost loved ones and not accidentally blow her own cover.

Sokka had been helping as much as he dared, once he’d realized her plan, but there was only so much he could do to keep her from ruining everything with her ‘stupid girly habits’.

Apparently, talking about feelings qualified.

Either way, Zuko clearly wasn’t in the mood for company. Katara turned to go—if she hadn’t already become so tuned to the tenor of his voice, for reasons she couldn’t even begin to explain, she might have missed it entirely when he said, “Thank you, Tak.”

She stopped, glancing back at him—he was giving her at least an attempt at a smile, and it suddenly struck her how very young he looked. Especially for a captain.

He really couldn’t have been more than a couple years older than she was, and it was hard enough for her to manage to keep her own life straight—she couldn’t imagine what it was like trying to lead an entire company.

She opened her mouth to say something else—she wasn’t quite sure what, but since when had thinking ever stopped her from blurting out what was on her mind?—when she heard the screech of a bird of prey high in the sky above them. It sounded familiar, almost… almost like…

She was six years old, and the snow had turned grey from falling ash. Buildings burned, people were screaming and running away, bursts of fire from soldiers in the streets kept illuminating the overcast sky, and Katara couldn’t find her parents.

“Mama!” she shouted, tears streaking through the soot stains on her face, running towards her house. Everything was chaos, but she still knew home. Somewhere, high in the sky, a fire hawk screamed—the little girl could see it circling over her family’s hut, an omen she couldn’t quite comprehend.

When she opened the door, the smell of charred flesh nearly knocked her off her feet. It was-

“The Fire Nation!” Katara heard herself shouting, those last images from her memory still superimposed over her vision, the smell sticking to her all these years later. She wanted to gag, but there was no time. “They’re here! They-“

An arrow whistled through the air and into Zuko’s shoulder as he stood, knocking him flat.

“Zuko!” Katara rushed to his side as more arrows floated into view just over the snowy hilltop—he waved her off, pulling the arrow free with a grunt and clambering to his feet.

“Everyone, get out of their range! Grab the cannons!”

It was pure chaos, after that. Zuko’s company scattered—they grabbed armloads of cannons and their weapons and ran, forcing the Fire Nation soldiers to abandon their high ground advantage if they wanted to do any real damage. Out of range of the arrows was also out of range of their firebenders, and it took everything Katara had not to panic and freeze.

“Sokka!” The relief nearly knocked her over, but she held her ground, grabbing for her brother’s hand and yanking him out of the way of another arrow barrage. “Where’s Zuko? Is he-”

“He’s fine! We need to set up these canons, Tak. Now!”

Their answering barrage sent shockwaves rippling through the ground—when they were down to the last cannon, Zuko appeared behind them. “Hold- we don’t know who’s left. If…”

He trailed off. The smoke cleared, and revealed the bulk of the Fire Nation army still intact on the hillside.

Ozai was at the army’s head. Katara could feel his smug smirk from here.

“Sokka, take that last canon. Hit Ozai, if it’s the last thing you do!” Zuko commanded. “Men- prepare for a fight!”

Katara’s hand went to her sword hilt, but something was still bothering her. Taking out Ozai wouldn’t decimate the Fire Nations forces—they’d keep coming, they’d kill everyone. How many more villages would suffer the way Omashu had? The way her tribe had? The way-

She caught sight of the snow-covered mountain just behind them. They weren’t going to have time to retreat back through the mountain passes to safety, but maybe, if she could only just… She reached, but nothing. Practicing her bending in secret had only gotten her so far, and that snow was too far off. But…

“Give me that!” She pushed Sokka aside and grabbed the cannon. It would work. It had to.

---

Katara was beginning to lose feeling in her arms. She hadn’t realized Ozai’s blade had cut that deep, but now Koda’s saddle was soaked in her blood, and she had barely been able to muster the strength to grab Zuko and pull him to safety.

The avalanche had stilled, snow wiping the last traces of the Fire Nation army away, and Katara finally slid from her horse’s back, stumbling to her knees. Zuko had regained consciousness, and he rushed to her side. “Tak! Are you alright?”

She gripped his arm and pulled herself upright, nodding weakly. “I’m fine, is everyone else-”

“We made it, Tak,” Toph said, affectionately thumping her shoulder. “Thanks to you. That was brilliant.”

The others chimed in, and Katara smiled, for just a moment. And then she collapsed.

When she opened her eyes, she recognized the colors of the medical tent above her cot. For a moment, Katara was dazed, confused—how had she gotten here? Where were Zuko, Sokka and the others? How-

Her clothing had been removed. The breast binding wraps were visible, overlapping the bandages around her abdomen. The doctor was looking at her, perhaps to be sure she was truly awake, but when she opened her mouth to speak, he turned away and left the tent.

Katara sat up quickly, wincing at the tight feeling of the wound in her stomach, wanting to protest—but then Zuko stepped inside, and the words died in her throat.

It was then that she realized her hair was loose—the thick, dark brown waves that just brushed against her shoulders were much more visibly feminine now that she no longer wore them in her father’s hairstyle, and the breast wraps had only been effective at hiding her figure when covered by padding and armour. Now, she felt her cheeks burn as Zuko’s eyes followed her figure, and realized the truth of what the doctor had obviously told him.

“So it’s true,” came Long Feng’s voice as he entered the tent behind Zuko. Where the latter’s gaze was completely unreadable, Long Feng didn’t bother to disguise his disgust. He surged forward, grabbing Katara by the arm and dragging her out of the tent, throwing her into the snow with just her blanket for cover. She fell to her knees before the rest of the company, tears of humiliation freezing to her lashes before they even had a chance to fall.

“A woman,” Long Feng hissed. “A despicable traitor to our great kingdom!”

Toph and Aang stared in shock. Sokka started forward, but Katara shook her head. It was too late for her, but she would not let her brother take the fall, too. “My name is Katara. I only came here to save my father-”

“More lies!” Long Feng insisted, turning to glare at her as Zuko approached. “Devious snake!”

“I never meant for it to go this far!” Her eyes met Zuko’s, and she pleaded with him silently. Please understand. “You have to believe me! I only wanted-”

“Silence!” Long Feng shouted.

Sokka ran forward. “Wait! You can’t do this—she’s my sister!”

“Sokka, no!”

But the damage was done. “You knew about her deception?” Long Feng was practically quivering with rage. “Stand aside, boy, or you will share in this traitor’s fate!”

“Sokka, please-”

He refused to budge. Katara could still see Zuko, staring at the both of them now, sword in hand. He took a step forward, and several gasps ran through the company—Toph and Aang looked ready to rush to their defense, but Long Feng threw his arm out and stopped them. “You know the law!”

For just a moment, Katara met Zuko’s eyes, and thought she saw something flickering in their depths. Something other than anger or disgust. Something warm.

Then it was gone, and Zuko threw his sword to the ground. “A life for a life,” he said, staring down at her. “My debt to you is ended.” Finally, as if only now realizing he was there, Zuko looked at Sokka. “Take her home. Don’t bother coming back.”

He turned on his heel—Long Feng made a noise, as if he were about to protest, but Zuko turned on him with a glower that could’ve melted steel. The advisor finally cowed into silence, he turned to the rest of his men and motioned for them to move out.

---

“You trusted Tak. Why is Katara any different?”

“You stole my victory.” “No! I did!” “… The soldier from the mountain!”

“She’s a woman, and from the water tribes! She’s not worth protecting!”

“I have heard all about you, Katara of the Water Tribes. You followed your brother off to war—stole your father’s armour and ran away from home. You impersonated a soldier, deceived your commanding officer, dishonored the Earth Kingdom, and… you have saved us all.”

It was… surreal. That was the only way Katara could describe the feeling that overtook her, when she realized that not only was the Earth King bowing, but so was the entirety of Ba Sing Se. As far as the eye could see, citizens were stooping low, and it was all but impossible to believe they were honoring her.

Even Zuko was bowing—even her brother. She wanted to tell them all to stand up, that she really hadn’t done anything that extraordinary, but she didn’t want to risk losing the King’s good faith. The moment eventually passed, anyway, and Katara turned to find the Earth King smiling warmly at her.

“I would be honored if you would accept a seat on my council, Katara,” he said—Long Feng looked like he was about to faint.

“B- but sir, you can’t just- there are no positions open!”

“Alright. You can have his job.”

This time, he did faint. Katara had to smother a chuckle before taking a deep breath and shaking her head. “You honor me, your majesty, but… I think it’s time for me to go home.”

He nodded, as if he’d expected nothing less of her.

The Earth King gave her his medallion and Ozai’s sword, and when Katara finally turned to go, she very nearly ran right into Zuko. “Oh! Zuko, I-”

“Katara-” he began, at the same time. They both broke off; Katara bit her lip, waiting for him to continue. He cleared his throat. “I, uh- you fight good. Well! Proficiently, you- you’re an excellent soldier.”

Their eyes met, but Katara was the first to look away, this time. “Oh. Thank you, Zuko. For everything.” And then she left, finding Koda and pulling herself into his saddle to begin the long journey home.

“You don’t meet a girl like that every dynasty,” the Earth King declared—sounding very much like he was calling Zuko an idiot.

“Would you like to stay for dinner?” From a distance, Katara could hear Grandma Kanna’s voice, “Would you like to stay forever?!” Zuko laughed. “Dinner would be great.”

#zutara #katara #zuko #zutara mulan au #zutara month #my writing #day 2

47 notes · View notes

weirdness-on-the-roof · 5 years

Text

critical role episode 48 campaign 2 notes and funny lines post break edit:this has detailed notes on all the stuff that happened later in the episode including physical descriptions near the end. enjoy ya nerds

don’t steal the books from a high powered mage; don’t kill the dude; beau turning into cad; look at beau planning for the future

-------

is marisha flirting with matt via matt playing yasha and beau flirting with yasha?

-------

‘tea the international language’ but no earl grey

-------

wensworth the goblin

-------

coming from Cad ‘im a fine tea maker’ is kinda a threat tbh

-------

elf that isn’t white/European??? yay! also really old elves are cool

-------

beau and cad tag teaming a political chat with a mage this can’t end poorly

-------

Nott: :beau ruins every situation shes in and is very abrasive

-------

send the freaking cat!!! why not?? caleb my dude

-------

god i miss allura and gilmore currently

-------

fucking fuck don’t lie to the mage beau plz stop this is painful ‘you’re not wrong’ sure blame the ancient sea god

-------

‘on the verge of returning’ yea no duh you let him out 2/3 of the way so fjord could get a spell

-------

‘we found a thing’ so smooth and eloquent beau ‘it was presented to us as the happy fun time ball’

-------

‘butter fingers with magical items’

-------

beau getting a geography lesson from a very old powerful elven mage

-------

‘magical geometric orb that has the ability to bend time and space and fate’ which is kept in a hot pink magic bag that happened to ‘fall into [their] lap’

-------

‘if youre down im down is what im saying... i have a few slots open in my loyalty bank if you’re willing to pay rent’ says the 20 some human who punches things to the centuries old wizard ‘

-------

liam stress eating

-------

cad’s hope in the group is heartwarming

-------

tower metaphors and a conversation!!!

-------

caleb reading shitty romance novel and nott eating a fish outside a mage’s tower in the morning sunlight in a major city

-------

caleb takes the rear

-------

first name drop and a while

-------

holy shit 200 years of magic using

-------

cad explaining materialistic nature of the rest of the party to elf dude is hilarious

-------

teleportation circles?????? in return for access to the sphere!! oh shit thats good

-------

or candy

-------

crap. no one has insight checked this dude and they gave him the happy fun ball and made a deal kinda.

-------

‘how do we prove our loyalty?’ ‘by not fucking me over’ sounds like a good plan

-------

is this guy just caleb’s patron now on the low idk this is how my head works and he said learn

-------

“you have a geometric shape that makes babies?” “yea they talked about that”

-------

fjord just kills the dude

-------

‘i got banishment on hold just in case’ *cackling laughter*

-------

i agree with elf dude, him not knowing anything about the dodecha is more concerning than him knowing about it

-------

ALL THE CITIES FROM CR1 MENTIONED FOR THE FIRST TIME!!! I STILL MISS ALLURA AND GILMORE

-------

good to know the pink bag protects from divination on this plane but just this one

-------

jester and the traveler figurine

-------

cad included the Traveler in the ‘chaotic forces’ i still think the traveler is some kinda arch fey evil things idk its real late here and this is incoherent

-------

‘well, thats been my morning tea‘

-------

caleb getting additional tour

-------

good aesthetic for the room tbh

-------

letting weird people in for morning tea is entertainment is a mood and something i strive to be able to do without getting murdered one day

-------

so yasha and caleb both have gotten the ‘stay with friends’ chat from a powerful being which is nice. but also the ‘use who you need to’ going to caleb is vaguely concerning

-------

personalized biscuits [bourbon, cinnamon, lobster, fish and three unknowns]

-------

‘caleb, what happened in there?’

-------

cad not believing caleb’s bullshit and opening doors for caleb warms my heart

-------

‘if this isn’t the death of us, and if not hes a good ally. somethings gonna be the death of us so [yolo]’

-------

‘you can’t bullshit everyone in this world’

-------

cad talking about beau telling the truth: ‘you’re not very good at it but you tried

-------

jester looking out for nott and her home town

-------

caleb and beau being cute while also giving each other shit is the most sibling like thing

-------

omg going back to allfield that was so long ago for fucks sake BRYCE my person thank god

-------

jester had a boy band phase its cannon and i think the girls had a sleepover in jester’s old room. also marion never leaves the hotel. THE RUBY NECKLACE MY HEART AND THE HONEY AWWWWW

‘the army of men and women and inbetween that will do as i want them to’ god i adore her being protective of jester

-------

also the fact matt makes such a good mom why is he like this

-------

travel time!!!! ‘roll for initiative’-tal

-------

how does matt keep these notes so organized and remember all the npc names

-------

the ranger/beast master in Laura is coming out with nugget

-------

caleb is a devout cat person and jester is the definition of a dog person

-------

nott refining oil on a magical moving cart, while jester reads a romance novel and trains a dog,

-------

Dyren- Beau’s roommate at colbot souls; ‘taught beau lots of really cool things’ got sent to a warfront. shaved head, dark clothes, buff b/c ‘been workin out’, ‘do you love her?’ they had ‘good times’, then literal booty call, and dropping locations, Dyren was in Bladegarden. ‘fierce eyebrows, pointed nose’

OH MY GOD THEY WERE ROOMMATES

-------

Vandren info drop to Fjord ‘he was making amends’

-------

Dyren responded and was hurt in Bladegarden but is safe. Beau looked immediately worried and happy about jester’s imput [’sounded way into you’]

-------

empire kids chat and caleb admitting insecurities about powerful people and being scared about the consequences of his actions and the group’s actions. caleb is scared about being forced to leave for safety and being ‘flayed alive’. my thoughts are he would leave if he became a threat to the others by being there or vise versa. trent would extort that b/c hes a dick

“caleb, unfortunately, you don’t get to choose who cares for you” you’re fucking correct Beau

“the problem with friends is that you have to care for them”

walks away “wow cool caleb! see- jester thinks you’re cool because shes your fucking friend!”

me too Tal “everything i like about those two characters in one conversation”

-------

5 years since Caleb left Trent and crew ie had a nervous breakdown

-------

gustav left town after being freed and trostenwald now has a WV accent that is too familiar

-------

100 extra soldiers in allfield. bryce is still up and kicking and wonderful. stuff ‘got this far east [quickly]’. the attacks came from underground apparently so fuck. the fields were burned, building destroyed a bit then they [Xhorhasians] left

“good thing is they’ve already been attacked so lightning doesn’t strike twice” oof thanks bryce

-------

beau just dead ass asking for illegal writing statements

-------

fjord having a thank u jesus bryce moment

-------

jester giving cad a pretty present is ‘so exciting’ and precious

-------

Cad not knowing cookbooks were a thing!!! and not being utterly literate enough to understand it

-------

wtf happened to liam’s voice in the ‘main export is oysters’ thing

-------

FELDERWEN!!!!!

-------

a dozen squads of 50 ppl each patrolling felderwen area so rippppp

-------

Nott knows where the halfing’s house is.... interesting... and is heavily drinking

-------

BLUE FLASH

elven woman in fine clothes of green and black ----lady vest durogna the arch mage of antiquity serboros assembly

a male figure in deep blue robes, older pale elf, fine clothes, the flash came from him----- martinette luden’th de____ arch mage of domestic protection

CALEB KNOWS THEM BOTH FROM THE ACADEMY AHHHHHH

he just lays flat and hides in the cart internally: ‘nopenopenopenope’

-------

several burned buildings, a warehouse, an inn, apothecary and several houses

-------

ohhhh shit the halfling was the owner of the apothecary and nott was looking for the shit she had been sending back this whole adventure....... im sad now that was confirmed

havent found a body of yeza

luke is yeza’s son at old edith’s house

halflings only produce halflings according to something i read at some point but forget where sooooooooo

shattered vials and materials and house stuff

CHILDREN'S TOYS

locked basement which nott knows of?? Nott is anxious and impatient when the door doesn’t open. jester fails, yasha rages and at a 19 and doesn’t break the door. ‘it wasn’t [trapped]’ but dispel magic worked to open it.

a 15′x15′ room, tossed ‘not like you remember’ to nott, a 2x3 iron chest. a single chair in the center of the room. definitely a struggle with heavy impacts and blade scratched on wall

nott was the torturer from the goblin tribe

chair was placed in the spot after the struggle

this was where he [yeza] kept chemicals according to nott

poisoned iron locked box (dull black glass) inside a retractable silver tripod to hold something atop it, 3 empty vials 1 full one with a liquid/gas fog like dull colored thing, a pile of destroyed notes [two pieces of still legible paper which have props]

dunamous field, causes ppl slow to be slower or faster, ‘captured crin operatives’ dunaments and dunamacy, origon gliffs, exist outside established schools of magic, theory in deeply rooted in arcana taken for granted, rooted in _____ town, 12-16 months to refine, word has found me that trent’s kiddos have knacks for this things, dreams are thrilling

well shittttt

crin on battle fields, ‘breaking fields of fate, fuck the raven queen

SHIIIIIT

a piece of dunemous

dodecha goes in tripod according to beau

chair facing chest

-------

cricks did this apparently

a little under 100 crowns guard killed, 4 civilians burned

soldiers just ‘slowed down’

left via tunnels and collapsed them behind them

-------

nott dont be a bitch and don’t get mad at caleb and call them ‘his people’

-------

cad picks up caleb and ‘youre not at fault here, youre the solution here. don’t let her anger... its not about you’

my HEART

-------

the chest is too big for the haver sack but fits in lorenzo’s bag of holding

-------

people have entered and exited since the attack and left the chair and stuff

-------

lots ‘o chairs

-------

nott needs to see ledith and uke (?) and not flip the fuck out

‘humble hobble’

nott looked like halfling plump face, braids, tan skin

edith- human older, grey hair, beady eyes, ever present smile like face

LUKE IS HER SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CANNON

*edit- rewatching this and seeing ever one’s faces “wheres my son?!” particularly laura/liam/travis just hurt. liam just looked up after a second and travis did his face he does and laura just stiffened and eyes and hand to face. caleb/liam who knows just hugs himself the rest of the convo. marisha is note taking and fuck the video off now

about 5 yrs old, blue eyes, tan/light brown skin, halfling

gave him the doll of the king

IM GONNA CRY NOW BYE

‘HES PROABLY DEAD NOW TOO LIKE I THOUGHT YOU WER’

yenza locks him away when ‘the mean lady comes by’

mean lady has pointy ears and comes often, luke was kept in room, luke was pushed out of the house and told to go somewhere safe so he ran to edith’s house and ‘everything was on fire’

‘im not strong enough to come back yet but know that [im stll thinking of you and i send things] and i hope dad sends them to you.“ fuck my heart

“in my heart i think he is” “well don’t die”

-------

the elves are gong to the ruins of yenza’s house

-------

marisha looked so betrayed

tal ‘i was waiting for the riegel shoe to drop’

WOW

HEY CALEB- WOOOW

-------

we’ll pick up hiiiere

fuck you sam and matt and everything abou this my heart is just FUCKKK

ummm so enjoy the frantic poorly taken notes <3

#critical role spoilers #spoilers #lore drop #ohh shit #fuck you sam #not okay in the slightest why are you like this #i dont have words at this point

2 notes · View notes

sundrenched-smilez · 7 years

Note

odd numbers for the lesbian asks! (if it's too many just do every 4th one maybe?)

1. Femme or butch?

for type, im vry easily wooed by butches tbh

as for myself, im genderfluid + heavily lean towards butch-ish for one gender + have been gettin more comf w that term for myself. the 3 genders i switch between, ive described as sharp, dainty and tired, for reason of not really being comf w gender labels aside from nonbinary. sharp/tired r kinda butchish, moreso sharp. like leather jackets, ripped jeans, dress pants/shirts, defs flannels (which r a given for any mood im in tbh) while tired is like mb softer, more focused on flannels + loose tank tops/shirts, shorts + certain skirts, comfy clothes, and the like

ive found that i’m leaning more towards butch lately too, like i’ve been a lot more comfortable with pants and a nice top than i have w dresses or most skirts + im wondering if i was just hanging on to femininity for sake of society, so those r things 2 think abt. i still feel comf in them sometimes, but it’s getting much less often. gender’s weird, i still cant cling to one bc of how pressuring that is so genderfluidity is still smth for me + it shifting to different percentages is okay (im thinking out loud @ this point, but its helping so i hope its interesting to read)

3. Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

both, but primarily flannels/plaid buttion-ups

5. Describe your aesthetic

aaahh theres a lot of diff aesthetics i could go into, but i have a tag if ur interested in a visual representation? basically, cosy homes, forests, wooden steps and bridges, cats, girls/nbs, water, plants, and old video game stuff, and clouds/skies. i’m sure there’s more in there, but for a good rule of thumb !! as for like dressing aesthetic, i like to look rly gay + attractive and a lil showy? like my shorts r Short and i love crop tops + a lot of my shirts show my bra thru them, + i like showing it when i can, like sports bra + a tank top is a fav look of mine bc i can make it look like my bra is a trim on the shirt + it’s cute. i’ve been wearing dresses less often, but occasionally, i like to rock one. id love a pair of combat boots but i have like size 11/12 feet + most stores dont carry that size + im hesitant to buy some online.

7. Favorite pair of shoes?

its rly hard to find any, i have like walmart converse knockoffs atm + theyre a beige/grey color im not that huge on, it kinda reminds me of sandalwood but depressed

9. Any haircut goals for the future?

there was the undercut!! and i have that down now c: next step is to dye it blue and mb some purple. i wanna bleach it if i’m gonna dye it, but im hesitant to do that bc of how damaging it is, but since my hair’s been cut a cpl time almost all the color is out now, so i think itll b ok if i take good care of it.

11. Describe the worst date you’ve been on

i went to a cafe w someone (i think they were nb but i cant remember, it was like 2 yrs ago about ) and they were impossible to talk to bc they just kept saying “im awkward sorry” @ everything and like any conversations i tried to maintain were all one-shot responses, and like that was a lil frustrating. like i dont hold it against them or anything, more in a sense of i was rly tryin 2 carry it and just couldnt

13. If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

whooh i wish i was taken, i need affection + to b cute w someone

15. Describe your dream wedding

hmmmm i havent thought much about it !! i know when i was younger i wanted to wear a black wedding dress but now im thinkin mb a suit that switches to dress @ the bottom?? that could b cool. I’d be happy w anything tbh, if im getting married, i’d just b happy to be w my wife/spouse. mb somewhere in a forest or on a boat would b cool, defs lots of good food and colorful flowers. I’d like a lot of color, most weddings ive been to are just b/w and bland for my taste (they’ve also all been straight tho so theres that.) it’s kind of wild to think that i might b married someday, but it’d b rly nice. i just haven’t thought much abt the planning of one. it’d b rly gay tho, probs give out tiny gay flags at each seat, and the cake could b lesbian flag colors. im rly drawing a blank on this, but i know id want all my friends around the country + world to be there.

17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

i definitely want to live in a port town at some point !! idk where i’d like to settle down, ideally somewhere that doesnt get much hotter than 90 degrees + has lots of parks + is big enough for some events, like pride stuff, little festivals, a farmer’s market, and places to do things, such as a movie theater, bowling alley, mb an aquarium, if not one in a nearby town. hiking trails r also good.

19. Favorite lesbian novel/story?

on a sunbeam!!! its a huge inspiration for me, and i love it so much. it always puts me in such a good mindset when i read it, and the artist is my age, so it makes me feel like I can also accomplish great things if i rly put my heart into it!! which is such a good feeling, and it has great representation + characters that i love, and its rly gay, and in space and theres ships shaped like fish + its gorgeous : D i could go on for hrs abt it + how important it is to me. theres an nb character too, and like the aspect of found families is one that rly hits home and it helped me get thru a rough time of my life + better accept myself as queer/gay.

21. Favorite lesbian musician?

adult mom (tho i think they’re bi but still gay), or hayley kiyoko

23. Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

i think so, but i can’t place when, it’s been a bit.

25. Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

talking abt being gay w other girls/nbs is lovely and cathartic, i never got to growing up bc i lived in a homophobic town + i was like dealing heavily with internalized homophobia and body/gender dysphoria so i was ace for a bit. talking more abt like sexual attraction + aesthetic attraction is new to me, and that’s been a process to get to, but it’s nice that I can now do so w/o being belittled or barraged by insult. i also just love the thought of being w someone, and daydreaming abt when that happens is really nice. also,, girls + nbs r a blessing and brighten my day and im so glad im attracted 2 them

27. Turn ons?

absolutely communication, that’s a need. i had a bad experience w someone bc she wasn’t communicative at all, and failed to tell me that we weren’t dating despite us going on several dates + kissing??? like i wont go too into it, but hatchi matchi it was a mess. so yeah, communication, affection, and like reassurance that they actually want to be with me, and that my presence is wanted and enjoyed. I got a lot of “i dont care”s for answers last sort-of relationship, and that was rly discouraging. another turn on is for them to initiate talking and things, like holding hands or planning to hang out + such. consent is another big one.

29. Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

i usually tend to ask them out, but im still dealing w internalized junk, so its difficult. i also havent any situations in which they liked me back, which is frustrating. like i got lead on earlier summer for abt a month until i asked what we were doing + didnt rly get an answer, and it was this whole mess. i generally try to make the first move tho, bc i know firsthand how difficult it is, but that being said, it’s still hard for me to know for sure if theyre interested + i dont wanna make things uncomf w them, so i’ll wait until i think there might b attraction. that being said, once that’s all out of the way, i like to consider myself a good flirt when im trying.

31. Talk about your interests or hobbies!

i have lots of interests!! im obsessed w steven universe, its my fav show (and if u ever have time, we should totally watch it together sometime, i rly think you’d love it, it’s super gay + heartwarming.) i really love playing music and learning new songs, which im rly great at memorizing. talking to friends + gettin 2 know them better is always nice and fun. i like to draw new things + see the different ways ppl draw, so seeing art on here is always fun for me. i’m also rly into polygon videos (it’s a youtube channel, not like videos abt polygon haha) and this podcast called the adventure zone. season one just ended, so i might start listening to another one called friends at the table. i rly wanna start a podcast w someone, but can never find anyone to start it with. idk what I’d talk abt but if i could find a partner for it, i think it’d be a lot of fun. mb smth abt games or books/queer representation in media. doing a dnd podcast would also b rly fun, but a lot of work + editing so mb later down the road !! im blanking on other interests atm, but animations and cartoons r lovely and i aim to make something in that field one day, if not just a comic.

my hobbies r mostlyyyy drawing, dnd things now every thursday, hanging w my friends, playing video games, sometimes writing (i rly wanna start a comic, and im tryin to get my butt into gear on it), goin to parks, listening to music, and goin 2 events w roe + cesar, two of my friends. sometimes ill play music!! i need to get more than the keyboard i’m lending, but i love performing. ill also watch leg birds on youtube, theyre a lesbian couple that plays gams + theyre rly sweet.

33. Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

its easy for me to love friends, doesnt usu take me more than a few months of knowing them if were talking a lot. as for falling in love, that takes me a lot longer. ive never rly been in love w someone. i thought i was once, but rly it was just my first gay experience w someone and i wanted it to be perfect so i projected a lot of things + made it better than it seemed to myself for the duration of it, which wasn’t healthy, so i wanna avoid doing that again, + take things slower next time. or at least for what they are.

35. Ever fallen for a straight girl?

a few times, they were just crushes tho, so it wasnt too too bad

37. Favorite comfort food?

hot cocoa or tea. as for food food, i dont think i have one. mb french toast or cinnamon rolls.

39. Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?

i used to be a vegetarian!! for like a yr, but it was difficult for me to eat and feel full, and i was pretty underweight, so i stopped.

41. Early-riser or night-owl?

both, i tend to stay up, but getting up early can be nice if i dont have to do anything. like just gently waking + making some tea and a nice breakfast + sittin around for a bit.

43. What is your Myers-Briggs type?

enfp-a

45. At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

i think like 16-17? it took me a bit to get words for identity, like lesbian/nonbinary and the like, but i always knew, like id call myself an individual as opposed to gendered terms that i was referred to, and always felt rly yucky w deadname + the wrong pronouns

47. Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

ive got one crush atm !! and another person who seems nice, but i wanna hang out w before like thinking abt a crush (im poly, which perhaps goes w/o saying, but i always like to state it when talking abt these things, jic )

49. Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future

i’d like a partner or two, to get some bongos- i got to play some a couple weeks ago, and it was the most fun i’ve had playing anything!! having smth with an instant response that i could make up rhythms with was really rewarding and so much fun. i know i want a cat at some point, to go on cute dates + cuddle and kiss a lot w someone, to visit my friends in other places, dye my hair, get a better job, to travel a bit, make a comic, go to college for animation and storyboarding, mb go to camp at some point, and I’d like to make some more friends here, i’m already making some, which i’m super happy about, but it’s always nice meeting new ppl

thank u for asking!! this was relaxing + fun, and a lot of the topics were cathartic to talk about, and i needed it. so thanks for listening too kinda

also im queen of commas, i’ve discovered while typing this

#msg in a bottle #cass charts #idk what i want my ask tag to be

1 note · View note

fergalamorous · 4 years

Text

9 Years Later

I always forget about this survey for a few years and then stumble upon it. I wrote it years ago for facebook notes and dig it up to add to it when I find it. Its nice to look back on who I was at the time and reflect on how I’ve changed. I think each time I’ve taken it so far I’ve been with a different boy. I think I’ll keep up this tradition as long as I remember it.

Just for reference here is the numbering of the years I’ve taken it.

1. 2011 possibly. 17yo, dating one boy (M), thirsting after another(J).

2. 2012-13 I think, 18yo with J, either long distance or about to be long distance

3. 2015-16, 21ish in Boston again, post break up, dating Z

4. 2018, 23yo still in Boston, single, working on degree and career.

5. 2019 25 yo still in Boston, single working on degree, no longer a woman

[[(3 commentary)found a post I made 3 years ago when I was still with John where I went back and answered questions I had answered when I was still with Malcolm. I have decided to continue this tradition now that I am with a new boyfriend and have many years of experience to boot. Who knew what an old facebook survey would evolve into over 4 years.

(2 commentary)I found a note on my facebook that I wrote 4 days before I broke up with M and J and I started dating. Here is me retaking the quizy doodle with original answers still in tact. John had commented “interesting.”]]

Do you think things will change in the next 3 months?

1. Positive

2. Moving up to Boston is a change I do believe.

3. Enough has changed in the past two months that three months of no changes seems like a godsend.

4. Aside from the commitee i’m on, this semester is pretty set in stone.

5. I will have applied to all my grad schools and released my second album Look On Songbird and officially be in my last semester of undergrad

Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?

1. Mom

2. John.

3. Quack

4. my father

5. My momma

Waiting for something?

1. Sanity

2. John to be done with homework, I’m hopelessly bored.

3. short term, my first no shift weekend so i can finally relax. long term a visit from Quack Duck

4. Ski trip in the mountain with my fellow gays

5. December, self appointed due dates for grad apps and album release

Connection between you and the last person who text messaged you?

1. I (2.Definitely) can’t remember

3. Long Distance boyfriend

4. Last failed hetero-romance/now nearly best friend.

5. My best friend/ little sister Linda (who is 14 and the coolest)

You never know what you got until you lose it? True or false?

1. Definitely true, the truest true.

2. True. And then by some merciful act of God (but really you did it) you get it back again and you make sure to never let it go again. And that’s how I got my groove back.

3. True, but sometimes you know exactly what you have and still need to let it go. And thats when you realize you didn’t actually know at all what you had.

4. I could write a wispy answer about true love, but the most i’ve lost recently is my keys.

5. I mean, most recently, kind of. In a kind of opposite point of view, I thought I knew exactly what I had until he did something to lose me.

Do you want to see somebody right now?

1. I want to crawl underneath a huge blanket and have somebody take all my calls because I’m busy being a blanket. 2. John, constantly. Marissa too, it’s been forever since I’ve seen her. 3. My mom, my sister, Marissa, David, Quack, Michael. Its funny because (aside from david) when I first wrote this I was able to see all of them every day 4. I wish I could see my mom still. We talk every day but I miss her. 5. My little sister. I see her everyday but she really has become my rock recently and I wish I could see her all the time. And my mom.

Are you happy?

1. To some extent

2. Yes. I’m happier than I’ve been all month.

3. I have suffered through so much with the break up and continue to suffer through being back in massachusetts… but I am beginning to feel happiness from inside myself. Contentedness at the direction my life is heading.

4. Yes, to some extent. Things are looking up every day and I really am coming into my own in school. 5. I’ve honestly been having a terrible summer/semester. As I careen into the depths of winter and closer and closer to the submissions I have to make in December I cant help but fear for how it will feel to put myself out there, academically, creatively, emotionally, and if I can mentally handle rejection of that scale? I am very fragile rn.

Is any part of you sad at all?

1. Yes

2. Is it bad that some part of me is always a little sad? That if I try, I can dig it up and be sad instead of happy?

3. No past me, it’s not bad it’s called depression and if you let it, which you do, it will consume your life. But yes to answer the question, a large part of me is sad deep down. Deep down I’m not at all happy with where I am in life and even if I am in a wonderful relationship with someone who is so supportive and understanding I know that it is not enough to wipe away all my sadness of the events that have happened over the passed year.

4. I feel saddened by very little lately as I’m currently taking these amazing antidepressants that both treat my crippling depression and my ADHD in one fell swoop…. but yes. I still occasionally feel bad about how I left things with certain people. 5. Protip future and past Ren, the antidepressents sent you into a mania from all the good that happened in 2018, seriously strap in that was the best year of your life. And you knew it. But 2019 brought the pain. You came out as trans and crashed from a new pill to take you out of your manic state. So yeah, I’m sad. I’m on now two antidepressents and a mood stabilizer to keep me from wanting to die.

In 4 months, how old will you be?

1. 17

2. 18

3. 21

4. one month shy of 24

5. 25

How are you feeling at this moment?

1. flustered.

2. Bored.

3. Awake at 4 am you tell me.

4. nostalgic 5. Productive, about to walk to chemistry society and get shit done.

What made you laugh last?

1. Conversation last night

2. John making funny voices at me telling me to get online. :3

3. The fact that my boyfriend thought that saying “I’ll wait for the next elevator” and then hanging up is an appropriate way to end a skype conversation. I laughed for like 7 minutes. Its my favorite.

4. my physics lab group being dork

5. Someone having road rage, because whats the point.

Are you drunk?

1. nope

2. I’m constantly blasted. I’m like cheesy blasters but with alcohol and no hot dog.

3. Oh poor past lauren. Never touched alcohol. Just you wait til your first big heart break it happens when you turn twenty one and shit gets weird yall.

4. lol yeah its called signs symptoms of inherited alcoholism (exactly the reason you didn’t drink as a teenager) that can be linked with your disorder and the high impulsivity and low self control that comes with iiiiit. made you push your partner away, make increasingly horrible decisions over the years, and contributed heavily to the depression after the break up! so no I’m not drunk. I’m currently and for the past half a year or more been working on becoming completely sober. Life has been much better since.

5. Good news! Still sober! But like actually. Still can attest my life, though in a bad place now, would be much worse if I started drinking again. Soriety was the best concious decision I’ve ever made.

Have you ever kissed a blonde-haired, blue-eyes person?

1. Nope.

2. Still no. I’ve kissed a mirror many times though. Not anything more than a peck and a wink though. I was a weird kid. 2 years ago.

3. Yes we share the same first and middle name and weirdly enough this time it wasn’t me kissing a mirror. She was a real human.

4. Yes still the same girl though. More into brunettes. 5. Yes. still the same girl. Turns out I have a thing for dark haired people more so than blondes.

Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 10 days?

1. Yes

2. Jill has.

3. Yes my dad hugged me goodnight

4. T and I hug goodbye. 5. My dad after I had a big talk with him about his misgendering me and how it makes me feel. I was sobbing and he told me he doesn’t care what gender I am. It was a beautiful moment.

If you had to choose between a million dollars or to be able to change a regret?

1. money just because the regrets are what shape me and who I am. I’d probably just put it in my savings because I have no use for it now.

2. Still money. I need college money. Unless I use the ability to change a regret to change my answer to money again, because that’d be a pretty big regret.

3. Change a regret. No matter how much I need the money. My biggest regret in life hadn’t happened yet when I’d answered the last two times and it’s now two almost three years after it happened. If I could go back and change everything I would. That way I could say I’ve hugged jill in the passed 10 days since I havent even spoken with her in the last 10 months…

4. My biggest regret has since been resolved and my best friend of over 10 years is back in my life for good I hope. Lesson learned, apologize and show your friends you care for them and want them in your life. I would still change the regret though. 5. Still regret.

Where will you be 2 hours from now?

1. With Mal

2. Hopefully talking to John. If not I don’t know, sleeping?

3. Please god sleep. I hope sleep. And not still doing this quiz thing.

4. boring answer but sleeping

5. Working on grad school applications, or maybe eating lunch with friends.

What’s bothering you right now?

1. If you really must know, there are some very important matters on my plate currently, next to the peas and carrots, and the decisions I have to make to resolve these matters are bothering me profusely, to the extent of near madness. I like saying I know what I want but you see, I can not say I know anything. Saying that is sheer foolishness. I would like to say I know what needs to be done, but you seem I can not say I’m able to do anything, and what I’m able to do I’m sure would be useless in resolving these bothersome matters, so I’ve yet to attempt them. It’s the things I’m most unable to do that are the only solutions, and that is what locks me in this state of uselessness and flusteredhood. That is what is bothering me.

2. Mostly the boredom. And the way I talk in that answer. I wanna punch past me in the face.

3. I’m bothered I’m not asleep, I’m bothered I’m in the same situation I was in a few years ago, I’m bothered that I’m still not happy when I feel like I should be…. I don’t know.

4. I’m bothered of how I left things with each of my exes (besides the shitty abusive one, he’s the only one who got any closure and ended on a positive note despite him being a pile of garbage.) 3. The amount of work I have to do over the next month. I’m a busy person.

Did you have any unread text messages when you woke up today?

1. (2. Still) No

3. Yeah “good morning sweetie”

4. My mom telling me she didn’t have a hulu 5. Linda laughing at a meme I sent her.

Is there a member of the opposite sex on your mind?

1. Yep

2. Yep and I’m willing to bet it’s the same guy as the one from 2 years ago.

3. Yeah and I’m willing to bet its still the same guy… just for different reasons now.

4. Mostly same sex nowadays. Thirsting for a girl in my physics class. 5. Opposite sex has become a confusing term for me now, but honestly not usually. This survey is making me think of my old boyfs again.

Your best friend tells you, “you have a drinking problem”, you say?

1. You have a stupid. I… I’m fine, You! You are not fine, but I… I ammm fiiiiiine. I’m GREAT. We’re fine aren’t we… arrre fine. So go away.

2. thanks for noticing.

3. Please thank you for noticing it was a cry for help and I realize sometimes people need releases but I went way over board and everyone around me was just encouraging me so I’m going to move to massachusetts and avoid drinking as much as possible because I don’t want to end up like my father.

4. Ok maybe its been a bit more than a year that I’ve been trying to quit… maybe its been nearly 3 years. At least I’m getting a better handle nowadays. 5. My best friend when I actually had a drinking problem had a bigger problem then I did, so when I told him I didn’t want to drink anymore he asked “are you sure???” and continued to invite me to bars. for a year and a half. I didn’t truly quit until he stopped talking to me which honestly I thank him for.

Do you think people talk about you behind your back?

1. Probably maybe don’t know blah blah

2. Yeah but it’s all fabulous.

3. Yes, I’ve heard what they say, and I know it isn’t fabulous.

4. Yeah. Got called a bitch behind my back for showing leadership skills in a laboratory. So it’s fabulous.

5. Yeppp, gossip is a bitch but so am I *shrug*

What was the first thing you did this morning?

1. Sat in bed and thought about life made myself waffles and ate them while thinking about life

2. Groaned because it was time to go to school.

3. Praised the lord I wasn’t hungover went out to the living room where my little sister and dad were watching star wars.

4. Got ready for organic chem lab.

5. I’m trying to drink a glass of water first thing when I wake up so at 6:30 I shuffled into the kitchen and did just that.

Is it possible to be single and happy?

1. of course.

2. Yes. Love yourself mother fucker.

3. Honestly I wouldn’t know anymore? Because I haven’t given myself a chance to be single in almost 5 years. Its been one boy after another with like a week tops in between. I’m assuming it is possible.

4. Great news, it’s extremely possible. Each and every boy you’ve ever been with, with probably the exception of Z, has held you back because you let them. I am thriving currently. It’s been just nearly a year of being single, a large factor contributing that hetero sex while sober is just not something you wanna sign up for and could not go through with last time you tried.

5. Yeah. Absolutely.

Do you have strange dreams?

1. Definitely

2. They mostly involve John dying or leaving me recently. Separation anxiety is a helluva drug.

3. A black tenticled entity in the water turned out to be radio active and my boyfriend turned into dale gribble and got submurged in nuclear waste and froze solid but then flew us to safety in his airplane. Yes. I have very very weird dreams.

4. I birthed a baby then immediately left it to go to an opera.

5. Man I wish I had an example. They get weirder every year

What’s more important In a relationship, trust or happiness?

1. Trust

2. I love how I answered trust here when at the time I was planning on leaving my ex for my current boyfriend. I really should have answered happiness. Maybe at that point I was still a scared little pussy (LANGUAGE YOUNG LADY) and pretending I wasn’t hopelessly in love with John. Or at least crushing mad hard. Anyway, I still think it’s trust, because trust fosters happiness.

3. Trust. Communication comes first. Communication fosters trust fosters happiness. If you are not happy communicate. If you are still not happy medicate. If you are still not happy get the fuck out of there.

4. Trust. I’ve been told I’m gullible but this explains it, I’m so trusting in relationships that I’ve had men lie to me and walk all over me. I trust so openly, but its such a two way street. I remember J near the end would just tell me all he used to lie about, which was a lot, and it really opened up my eyes. Most recent train wreck abusive sh*t hole did the same thing but I don’t trust that easily anymore.

5. Trust. My last relationship ended because he broke every bit of trust I had in him. He broke it once and then after we talked, set boundaries and I made it explicitly clear this was it for me, a handful of months later he broke it again. And I was so happy with him -- over the moon in love. But as soon as I lost the trust I left him a week later.

What time did you go to bed last night?

1. I don’t remember. I fell asleep a few times on the phone :) <- AAAAAAAWWWW

2. Awwww this is adorable, it’s when I was still talking to John late at night. That little smiley face says it all right there. I didn’t smile when I answered “with mal” a couple of questions ago. There’s no way I would have not chosen John. I was way to into him.

3. Literally like 5 am I got high as a kite and sang songs to my boyfriend over the phone on the curb somewhere in my neighborhood and came home watched 2 minutes of chowder with him and passed the fuck out.

4. 12ish. Have an 8 am T W TH so I sleep pretty early usually. Still adjusting from winter break. Also those phone conversations were mostly lies. Less adorable knowing that information. 5. 11, I recorded backing vocals for my friend’s album and came back and passed out.

Did you accept or deny your last friend request?

1. accept

2. don’t fucking remember.

3. Probably accept.

4. Probably deny.

5. Left on read I dont know them

Did you speak to your father today?

1. (2. Still) no

3. Yes I (4. still 5. still) live with him. (4. after a year in my own apartment) (5. I’m eager to leave but I’m gonna miss him)

What do you think about the weather?

1. it’s hot as hades need sprinklers

2. It’s pretty chillbert, but it’s not as bad as it’s going to be when I move away from the warmth of florida and into the icy winters of the northeast.

3. This is hilarious I think I wrote this sometime in december in the second answer in Florida, and it was probably like 50-60 degrees. It’s august in massachusetts and it was 66 all day. I LOVE the weather and the icy winters of the north east are rad as hell snow sculptures are the BOMB.

4. haha even more hilarious, it rained all day yesterday near freezing then today it was below freezing so my soaking wet jacket and gloves were miserable to wear also I slipped on one of the death patches of ice. but yeah icy winters of the northeast are rad.

5. Winter fuckin slaps, it snowed for the first time this season yesterday. I’m cold as hell but snow is the prettiest thing in the world.

Are you ticklish?

1. Yes, but only, for some reason, to people who I really care about and I’m comfortable around. You kind of have to earn being able to tickle me. and once able to, I’m extremely ticklish. Mostly just jumpy though

2. I let myself be ticklish for certain people. Currently that person is John.

3. I’m just fucking ticklish I don’t know what I was sniffing when I wrote those other two, but anyone so much as touches me I’m done.

4. I kick people when they tickle me now. I give them 1 verbal warning, I say I do not like to be tickled do not do it, I will kick you. If they try again I kick them.

5. Still tell them not to tickle me. I feel hella violated being tickled now adays

Who’s car were you in last?

1. Allison’s

2.Michael’s

3. My own. (actually a VERY recent development.)

4. My dad’s

5. Mine driving back from my circuit theory class.

What was the last thing you drank?

1. Koolaid

2. Damn I had koolaid? sweet. Uh, I think water.

3. Still stoked about that koolaid I was drinking 4 years ago. Does chowder count if I wasn’t using a spoon? God what has new england turned me into.

4. Damn how do I, an adult, not buy koolaid every day. Also water.

5. Hot coffee

Have you kissed the last person you texted?

1. No

2. If you count facebook IM being sent to the phone then yes. Lots of times.

3. Yes. Lots of times.

4. Yes and i wasnt a fan so we dont do it anymore.

5. Ew no alabama 100

Does that person want to kiss you?

1. no

2. Yes he does.

3. I sure hope so.

4. Maybe? I don’t know, but he respects my decision not to want to anymore.

5. Ew no alabama 100

Are you single?

1. i am not

2. I am not.

3. I am not.

4. I am!! Look at me now ma.

5. Yes

Do you want to be single?

1. I like the freedoms

2. God no.

3. I like the freedoms, but no.

4. Any time you see me say “I like the freedoms” meant I rushed into that relationship and I wanted out secretly. And yes I want to be single. but I wouldn’t mind a girl to spend my time with, come home to, dote upon.

5. I need to be single. Transitioning is one of the most terrifying confusing things I’ve ever done, and the idea of adding any kind of relationship or sex on top of that when I don't feel comfortable with my junk region is a big nah from me

Do you secretly like someone?

1. Yes (2. but it’s not really a secret)

3. No.

4. Yes, but its just a little school crush since she cut her hair and smiles at me every so often.

5. You know it, I have about five hundred crushes. I’m starting to look more into polyamory, two (4?) of them are on couple-friends I have and how much I love being around them, and a girl in my chem society who ??? touched? my butt? but probably just as friends. Others are on just the general public, and every woman/nonbinary.

Why did your last relationship end?

1. Because when you have a relationship with someone who’s secretly still in a relationship things don’t work out too peachy. But see, I didn’t find that part out until a month or two after things were said and done. It ended because he had a mental break down and we decided friends was a better option. Though we aren’t really friends anymore.

2. I left him for someone who made me a million times happier, who wasn’t in love with his best friend, and who had so much in common with me it was creepy. Sure leaving someone is not cool to do I guess, but it turned out alright, and I feel like it was the best decision I’ve ever made in my entire 18 years of life.

3. We mutually decided that we were not happy in the relationship anymore and decided it was time to walk away from it. We loved each other very much but love is not enough to make a relationship work. We aren’t speaking anymore though. He’s done with me I guess. I hurt him too bad, I got hurt too and said some things just because I knew he’d see them and now he wants nothing to do with me. (5. ps its good he’s done with you, even though it dipped life got 5000 x better.)

4. I told him I just wanted to be friends because school is too hectic for me to commit to a relationship but as I reflected I realized I wasn’t attracted to him and so now I’m spending some time with the wlw side of myself. An (5. seriously still) amazing friendship and music partnership blossomed from it so I don’t regret anything. (5. I ended up singing on his album this week!)

5. He broke my trust. I have a lot of trauma from a relationship I had where I trusted when I shouldn't have. He knew this and still crossed a boundary two too many times. That was a big one. It hurt a lot. Even though I broke up with him he really broke my heart. Somehow we have made it work where we are still friends, because mutual friends, and mutual classes, but I dont know how long that will last.

Where is the furthest place you’ve traveled?

1 and 2. Maine

3. That’s hilarious because now I live in massachusetts and Maine is like 2 hours away… now the furthest i’ve traveled south is tampa

4. Seattle WA to visit my love Marissa, who tragically I have not spoken to in a very long time.

5. Still Seattle, but I am going to start planning a Europe trip for next summer.

Which do you prefer, to eat or sleep?

1. God why make me choose

2. Sleep. I haven’t been getting enough sleep and I’m not hungry.

3. Sleep eating is a chore most of the time.

4. Sleep. Currently in my semester I wish I could sleep 10 hours but I’m only getting 6 and then working my brain like a maniac.

5. SLEEEEEEP

Do you look more like your mom or your dad?

1, 2, 3. Still Mom

4. I dont know my dad and I look super similar when he shaves his beard. I have his eyes and his dimples.

5. Hopefullyy when I start T I will have a lucious beard just like dave >u<

How long does it take you to shower?

1. 10-15 minutes

2. 5 minutes.

3. 1 hour and a bottle of wine.

4. (5.) 10-15 miinutes. Yeah shower wine isn’t a good sign there, Lauren.

What did you do on New Years Eve?

1. Watched the Archer marathon on FX with padre.

2. :) New years eve. God that night was like magic. I spent it with John on navarre beach, and watched fireworks happen across what ever body of water that was.

3. shit that was when i punched my vcard. at midnight new years eve on the beach. um this new years… man its been so long oh shit i was at a party getting hella crossfaded with all my best girl friends from highschool, my exboyfriend, my current boyfriend and all of their friends. good times.

4. I spent it sober playing video games and watching best of monty python flying circus with Ty. went to karaoke for a song.

5. I believe I was in florida with my family and B. I cant exactly remember though.

Can you speak any other language than English?

1. some spanish

2. I know a little klingon. qamuSHa’ = I love you. (3. fuckin nerd)

3. Puedo hablar un poco espanol si tengo un momento a pensar acerca de ello. Pero esto es solamente algo eso estoy aprendiendo hacer con mi novio. Tengo una clase en septiembre. I doon’t know klingon. i could not speak klingon if i tried. still a nerd tho.

4. shit I know more klingon now, the new star trek series is spoken entirely in it. seriously though 2 is such a pataQ

5. Duolingo is a hell of an app.

What is the last letter of your middle name?

(1. 2., 3, 4)h

5. in a year it will be s (hopefully)

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

1. Cant remember, enough

2. Well I got home from the concert at 1:50, fell asleep around 3:40, and woke up at 7:40. So 4 hours.

3. fell asleep at 5 woke up at 11. 6 hours. keep track of your sleeping chillins. Sleep is so important.

4. about 6

5. 6 hours and 52 minutes. Sleep tracker app.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?:

1. If I don’t forget

2. All the time.

3. ALWAYS.

4. Literally used to put my seatbelt on to hot box a car that we did not plan on moving. But now a days I’m a bit riskier.

5. Yes I feel uncomfortable.

Are you scared of flying?

1. (2.Still) in an airplane no, theorhetical “flying” yes.

3. I wouldn’t mind the ability to fly.

4. (5.)I have zero interest in having the ability to fly.

What would you say is your worst flaw?

1. :/ I don’t know. Indecisiveness, my inability to accept that I’m much more than I allow myself to be. Don’t ask me that question. In fact that’s a horrible question to ask someone. It makes them feel bad and think about it. Here, new question.

2. Good answer. But my worst flaw in my personal opinion is not taking medicine correctly.

3. pushover.

4. impulsive. fuels a lot of bad decisions, bad addictions, i blurt things out that hurt people. I know it’s a part of the bipolar and adhd but I wish it wasnt as bad, even at 23

5. I’m kind of annoying. that might be the adhd? I don’t know

What would you say is your best trait?

1. I’m nice.

2. I am understanding.

3. I give advice to those who need it. Even if I can’t follow it myself.

4. I dont give up easily.

5. I am always preparing for my future. I have so much faith that I will do well and work my ass off to achieve it.

How many times a week do you shower?

1. 4-5

2. Yeah.

3. HAHAHAH what bitch that goes down to 1-2 times a week real fast. Um I shower almost every day now, but thats just because I have a new shampoo and hot showers relax my old achey muscles. If i could i’d say a good amount is 2-4.

4. (5.) every other day just about, which I shouldn’t because I dye my hair.

Would you say that people consider you a major flirt?

1. I don’t know what they say, but I don’t go around flirting with just everybody

2. Said the girl who flirted with a boy she just met at relay for 12 hours and every other night for 4+ hours until she broke up with her boyfriend for him.

3. God I’m such a bad flirt I really am put me in a room of men or women and I will hit on all of them even when I’m in a commited relationship. it’s just fun. you flirt you laugh you have a good time they give you weed and alcohol and then you slip into the night and cry because snakes dont have arms.

4. hahah today I’m a wreck at flirting but its mostly because I’m used to flirting with men. Flirting with women is so much more difficult, the most I do is make eye contact long enough to plan our life together then get nervous and walk away. Fell in love briefly with a girl at the library tonight. Said one word to her then left. Tragic.

5. I’m a huge flirt. I flirt mostly with my friends because I’m the most comfortable around them and flirting is how we communicate. But then when its serious or I get flirting back I get so nervous and clam up. I’m useless

If you could re-live one memory, what would it be?

1. (2. Still) Relay and the after relay. Relay was the best night/morning.

3. One memory I wish I could relive. Disney world. I was sooooo happy. Most magical place on earth fuck relay it was cold and that boy broke my heart. Disney world didn’t break my heart.

4. Walking the stage at my associates graduation. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come but I have two more graduations to look forward to.

5. Probably most recently going to Canobie Lake Park with my chem/dnd friends.

Do you give up easily?

1. no, honestly I don’t give up easily, that doesn’t mean I don’t get scared, and that doesn’t mean I don’t try and find a way out, but in the end I don’t usually give up. And when I do it’s usually the hardest decision I make. I give up on myself much easier than I do on other people.

2. I was talking about my relationship with malcolm here I’m pretty sure. :/ didn’t make much sense.

3. I normally used to give up immediately… I find myself wanting to do it again honestly but I’m just scared. I never gave up on us. I still believed one day we would be together and that now was just not the right time. You were the first person I worked the hardest to keep in my life and you still ended up leaving it.

4. No, I used to. I was very depressed and had such low self esteem. I don’t let things keep me down for long anymore.

3. No, but I really am starting to feel burnt out at school so on a smaller scale like working out every week or solving my homework perfectly. Not on my dreams though.

What is your lucky number?

Do you enjoy doing laundry?

1. No

2. It kills my back.

3. I did seventeen loads of laundry in 2 days to be able to pack it and move up here. Its safe to say I hate laundry after that.

4. Some times. I do it every week now which is more than I ever did before. Hate putting it away mostly.

5. Found the secret to putting away my laundry is calling my mom or Oliver and jabbering at them and suddenly its all put away. So now I love it because I get to talk to loved ones.

Do you like hot or cold showers?

1. Warm

2. dumb question, but i like hot showers. especially with boy.

3. ha live that up while it lasts sister. hot hot hot showers by myself so I don’t ever have to be cold.

4. Hot and with no man to hog the hot.

5. I hate showers with people in like a sexual way. No fun to be had there. No what’s fun is a caring shower where you wash their hair and the part of their back they cant reach.

What is the weather like right now?

1. Hot as hades

2. cold as a penguin fart. so not that cold I guess.

3. laughing because what if farts were cold. It’s delightful and i never want it to end.

4. Cold rainy/snowy

5. It snowed this week but its not face hurting time yet.

What celeb would you want to spend the day with?

1. Paul McCartney

2. future me.

3. Aw sweetie you’re still not famous 4 years later but thanks for the vote of confidence. You played your music in public on a park bench for the first time iin your life so we’re making baby steps. I’d spend the day with Bernie Sanders.

4. Aw 3 years later I played a few open mic nights and am opening for a festival in somerville. More baby steps. Patrick Stewart.

5. Bernie’s running again! Also I am putting out my SECOND album in about 2 weeks which is so cool. Uh. Eh, Lizzo or JVN

What colors would you like to have at your wedding?

1. (2.) I don’t know.

3. Yellow and Green. Spring colors.

4. blues

5. I don’t know but I found out wedding pantsuit exist, like a romper wedding dress and I’m living for them?

What is your favorite color?

Yellow

Do you drink?

1. Not as much as most land dwelling mammals, you see, as I am a camel.

(Alternate answer: I’m a cactus)

2. I’ve had jack in eggnog, which was nasty, and ale, which was alright but still too gross for me to finish. I’m not a drinker.

3. Oh man. Yes. So much. All the time.

4. Occasionally. I try to avoid it as much as possible but i do let loose once in a while. I usually regret it immediately.

5. No! Sober since April 2018. I have my 1 year chip my friend bought me in my fannypack at all times.

Can you see any stars in the sky right now?

1. Sun

2. Don’t know not outside. Probably though, it was a pretty clear day.

3. Still not outside too late to get up and check so no.

4. Nope

5. Yes and a spooky moon with wispy clouds

What are you craving right now?

1. Sanity

2. Something to do.

3. Sleep.

4. Lady cuddles.

5. Honestly a fucking cat. I want to move out for the soul purpose of getting one.

Who were you with when you last saw fireworks?

1. A crowd of people at graduation, but more specifically Marissa Jill and Meagan

2. John. I think.

3. I was with my dad. I had just landed in Boston for a second time with all of my things and we were in the parking garage and fireworks were going of on the harbor so we stood and watched them go off with the cityscape in the back ground. It was a pretty grand welcome home.

4. It’s been too long to remember.

5. The last picture of fireworks I have on my phone is with Dad linda and Allison on a boat in florida where we saw dolphins and watched the fireworks from the gulf. Fun memory. Beaches Do Science.

Do you have any weird things in your room?

1. I used to have a buffalo hat I made from a viking helmet… But now not really anything much is somewhat ‘weird’ save a few sock puppets here or there

2. The suitcase I’m supposed to pack my life in to take with me to massachusettes.

3. Artistic buttplug.

4. New amp, various instruments, shrine to darth vader above little sister’s bed. Plants that are actually alive.

5. clown mask, fake beard, fancy crown, balding stuffed beatles, plants at various stages of dying and two theremin.

What movie did you see in theaters last?

1. black swan

2. The Rise of The Guardians with John and Allison.

3. Trainwreck with Elsa in the lowes (?) theatre on the commons in boston.

4. Star Wars episode VIII with dad and Linda

5. ??? Maybe the queen one. Bohemian Rhapsody.

Who is the last person you hugged older than you?

1. John or my mother

2. John or my mother

3. My dad.

4. Tyler.

5. Oliver <3

Tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now?

1. It’s a long story

2. he didn’t think I was weird when I tackled an 8 year old.

3. Oh man I forgot I tackled an 8 year old. I think what really did it for me was how he was there for me in one of the hardest times of my life, and constantly showed how he cared for me.

4. again, barely a crush. She cut her hair all cute and sits next to me when ever she can. We are both nervous and neurotic.

5. God I read into everything way too much? I get smiled at and I fall in love. Butt-touch girl? I don’t know she told me she was gay and is open and friendly and has similar interests? The couple friends who held hands with me while we walked to the girl’s car tonight? which reminded me of my last couple relationship and I’ve had crushes on both of them since we met and the guy is fun to joke around with and the girl is adorable and holds me and scratches my head. Or the long standing never ending crush I have had on my friend, that one? most likely the deep intimate bond we’ve formed for years. The idea of ‘liking’ is so broad a term for me now. I realize all these feelings I have for my friends are ok and no longer feel super ashamed for harboring them like I always have. I just have a lot of love.

What were you doing at 6:00 this morning?

(1.2.3.5.)Sleep

4. waking up for my 8 am organic lab

What was the last reason you cried?

1. Things are really hectic currently, and when that happens I shed a tear or two.

2. I had a dream that john wouldn’t help me because he thought I deserved being hit in the face with a plank and so I called him and started crying.

3. Someone stole money from my wallet after a long day at work so I cried because I was angry. Oh and then I cried because I was high and thought about that episode of pokemon with Charmander.

4. Sad things happened in the episode of Star Trek I was watching.

5. I cry at least once a day recently. This one was because I was thinking about how sad I am and told my friend/ex I don't want to be trans and started crying.

Are you currently looking forward to anything?

1. I would say my birthday, because it’s technically 5 days away, and because currently it’s looking like I don’t have a lot of things to look forward to besides that.

2. THE FUNNY THING IS THAT JOHN AND I WOULD BEGIN DATING ON MY BIRTHDAY! <3 I’m looking forward to moving, it’s going to be a fun change. But I’m really looking forward to staying with john all next summer.

3. THE FUNNY THING IS THAT JOHN AND I WOULD BREAK UP ON/NEAR MY BIRTHDAY 4 YEARS LATER! <3 I’m looking forward to the weekend I’m going to boston to play on the streets some more hopefully for cash this time.

4. I have a ski weekend on spring break with a big city LGBT organization to maine. I have a huge project with the YMCA I’m working on, excited to see how that goes. Excited for my first gig as Stars in Her Eyes.

5. Album release and being done with Grad School applications. And my friend who was in film school offered to do a music video for me which is pretty fuckin choice.

The person you like comes up and kisses you, what would you do?

1. Allow them to kiss me, giggle. I don’t know.

2. I can’t remember if I told John I liked him yet. But yeah I’d kiss him and ask if I can lick his booty then cop a feel probably.

3. Kiss them and tell them I never licked the booty because he wouldn’t let me.

4. Probably nearly pass out. Seriously the thirst is real for this girl she’s so cute ugh.

5. Depends on the person. One of them I’d say took you long enough and scoop them up and run away to the mountains to start a farm. One of them I’d cuddle and kiss on forehead. One I’d panic and tell I am a broken mess of a person and as attractive as I find them and as fun as they seem, I am in a place... right now.

What does your last text say?

1. lol im n real b/c lauren dosnt hav a cell

3. “I’ll be right there” quack

4. “do you wanna make art on friday?” Ty

5. yes and YES - butt touch girl

Its 2am and your phone rings, do you answer it?

1. Yep. If I’m awake.

2. If john will answer the phone for me I will for anyone else. If someone needs me at 2 I'lll be there for them.

3. If i know who it is if not fuck that noise i’m either sleeping or pretending to be asleep.

4. No thank you I have school. You can leave a voice mail.

5. The only people who have called me at 2 am have been drunk. I will answer my phone if people need me, at any time, but if they are drunk and bored they are getting hung up on.

Do you think age matters in a relationship?

1. Little bit

2. I think mental age matters way more than actual age.

3. Anything doesn’t fucking matter as long as it’s two legally aged consenting adults. You do you man.

4. Nah

5. Yes. Honestly. Depending on ages. My last relationship was with someone 3 years younger, and there definitely was a disconnect there. The closer you are to 18 the more it matters, and I read a good take where it isn’t oh you’re both adults. Fuck that. One has been an adult for one month and the other has been an adult for years. Or that time my 22 year old boyfriend was planning a trip with a 17 year old while we were dating. Then age matters in the relationship.

Do you miss the way things used to be?

1. Sometimes definitely. But then I think that tthis would have eventually happened regardless and i'ma horrible person so I start feeling a little bit better

2. a little. there I’m talking about missing when things weren’t so complicated and I didn’t like two boys and one of them didn’t turn my life upside down. Here I’m talking about missing the memories I have with John, if I could relive all of them I would.

3. Ugh. Yes. Exactly answer two. But then again I’m happy with where I am now. With John wee had a handfull of amazing spectacular and special memories happen in 2 to 3 months and we held on to them for 4 years thinking we could be as happy as we were at that time.

4. No, not with how well things are going now and how bright and shiny my future looks. I wouldn’t go back to any point in my life knowing what I know.

5. Absolutely not. I miss the innocence, and I miss the trauma-lessness, but I don't miss anything else. I’ ve been in a terrible place for so long, that medication and sobriety dug me out of and success is too sweet to stop now.

Is the last person you kissed more then 2 years older than you?

1. definitely no

2. no she’s a month younger. (<<4. shit that was the first time Jill and I kissed. In a baseball field in Pensacola. 5. Go blue wahoos)

3. no just one year.

4. No? I don’t think so.

5. Wow kissing, when did I kiss people? I guess it was B. He’s three years younger.

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?

1. yeah which bothers me because kissing in front of other people is silly

2. Michael (5. lmaoooooo)

3. Nah

4. Nope

5. Nope.

Think back to September, were you in a relationship?

1. I think so

2. I was. I love being in a relationship this long that I don’t have to think too hard about how much of the sluttest I was in the past.

3. Yep…. September is next month and I will be again.

4. Nope spent the better part of a year focused on school and work after the abusive boy made me very wary of relationships. Took me long enough to just focus on myself.

5. Nope, we broke up in May. I desperately have needed this time to be single. I’m trauma-filled, gender-fucked, and mentally ill. Good on people being close to me for right now.

[[(2) It’s cool seeing how much I’ve changed. How much happier I am with John.”

(3) Its very interesting seeing how much I’ve learned in the passed 4 years… happiness doesn’t come from the person you are with.

(4) This is already my best year yet I’m so proud of myself building a life around myself instead of the person I’m with

(5) 2018 was a year to love, 2019 has kicked my ass. I’m not letting it do me in though.]]

#personal #personal growth #me

0 notes