#but then it’s dangerous to put the bed there bc there’s a FUCKING VENT UNDER IT

[twothirdsgenius]

life isn’t feeling very cash money at the moment lads but i am putting my silly little troubles under a read more bc ik vent posts can be triggering

i think i’m having a genuine mental breakdown. i need to start applying to graduate school and do so much other health related shit because i need to make sure i don’t have a fucking brain tumor or multiple sclerosis because the optic nerves in my left eye are fucked up but i just go to work and come home and lay in bed for hours and not talk to anybody and i just have no desire to do any of the things i usually love because all of my energy is being reserved for a physically and socially intensive job. i can’t even relax on my days off because i know i have to go back soon enough!! i have one (1) friend still here in this small town that i try to see as often as i can but it’s so fucking lonely and i just feel dead. i feel like i’m already dead and i’m just watching all of this happen to someone else. the worst part is that i don’t even want to die. i wish i was dead, but i don’t want to die. i know that makes zero sense but i’m not in any physical danger, i don’t want people to worry about that. i just wish i didn’t exist in a retroactive way.

i feel like my future is already behind me. i feel like i’ve already fucked up every chance i had at making something of myself and burned every bridge that could’ve gotten me there. which sounds stupid because i literally just finished undergrad earlier this spring but i just feel so fucking burned out. school literally almost killed me and i know grad school will be even worse. i just never planned for a future that had me still living in it and now that it’s here i have no fucking clue what to do. like my general attitude on any given day is just this but in a crabby toddler way

#vent post #venting #like we out here in amongus…. #i am starting therapy again so there’s that #going to be HONEST with them for once in my life and not sugarcoat my feelings to try and appease them

[whomturgled]

ok so far i have; picked up all the stuff lying all over my floor and night stand and put them in acceptable places (laundry & drawers & garbage), swept the floor, found my old phone case w/ the pop socket still attached and duct taped it back to life so i can type comfortably again, ,,,? i think that’s it. is that it?? maybe bc there was a lot of additional little things during all that like making sure things are tidy and shuffling stuff around ?

now i still have to: clear all the stuff from behind my bed (might actually save that one for another time out of fear of what could possibly lurk beneath that mess), strip my bed & find a basket to put all my blankets n shit in, find clean sheets and temporary blankets that will not appease My Sensory Hell body but will be Acceptable , make my bed (which means probably kicking nymie out of my room for a minute so she doesn’t chase my sheets and sit in the middle of the bed), shave my ugly neck beard (& maybe buzz my undercut while I’m at it ?? may as well am i right), look at myself in the mirror and want to die a little bit but just a casual silly amount because the next step is take a shower, accidentally spend like 2 hour dissociating in the shower bc I’ve been avoiding showering or bathing (other than like... wiping myself down w/ a washcloth) for maybe a month because i’m mentally ill haha am i right, THEN get into comfy clean bed and pat myself on the back for my moment of mental health before I have to do it all over again in a couple months no matter how much i believe i will form any semblance of a routine <3 oh fuck also brush my teeth somewhere in there idk I’ll make it a fun surprise

#I needed to put my progress somewhere ok. #long post fnfjs fivungrsvoirvsrnojvsfjon #delete later haha daknsekgrinsnoinjoonjsrjnovnoianoidvvd #I’m adding keysmash bc idk if those are actual tags ppl check but I do want ppl who blacklist that stuff to not have to see it either #if that makes sense ? at all ? #I should get rid of the shitty cardboard cathouse I made. they don’t use it and haven’t for a while so like. #it’s just taking up a not insignificant fraction of my little poorly designed room #just the placement of the walls and the walls that jut out and the closet and the slanted floor and the vent in the best spot for a bed #but then it’s dangerous to put the bed there bc there’s a FUCKING VENT UNDER IT #...maybe another day I’ll rearrange my room again. not today tho #I’m already kinda overwhelmed by the idea of the stuff I gotta do and I’m kinda cutting it down to bare minimum too #like tldr change bed sheets shave and shower but golly each one of those is gonna be a Task. #don’t r/e/blog btw lmao

[dwindlingashesburnt]

How long do the shields stay down?

This is something I think is really really important for you to be aware of if you're in a situation that's bad for you or are just doing kinda shit in any way - physical, mental, emotional, whatever. And I'm including stuff like food, shelter, sleep under physical for the sake of this

And that is this - at some point your body and or mind will almost definitely try to protect you by shielding you from it. When it's mental or emotional this is typically a very long term thing to keep you safe that you have to actively unlearn, as is physical stuff like training yourself not to flinch or stuff like that. When it's a lack of something physical like sleep or food or so on, it's generally just intended to keep you going until you manage to get whatever it is you needed, at which point the shields should start falling on their own pretty quickly

But the obvious problem with this is that if you're being shielded from the problem, you don't know how bad said problem is. You might not even be sure what the problem is, or even worse, might not even be aware that there is a problem. This means that until those shields go down, you can't figure out what's wrong or how to fix it, and you may end up actually making the problem much worse without realising in the meantime

(That's the end of the general advice bit - which is important btw! - and now goes into my own stuff, which isn't important except to me cos it's mostly just venting so feel free to stop reading at this point)

I rediscovered this yesterday night.

Every time I get this badly worn down, it always happens exactly the same way - I've already been apathetic and tired for quite a while, low on sleep, and been constantly tense for a long time, but bc I'm apathetic and can't sleep, I stay up watching videos on youtube for far too long. At some point, I find myself actually in quite a bit of pain and only then realise it's because I'm so incredible tense, and at this point I start finding it to be a real struggle to focus my vision or pick out the voices and concentrate enough to really watch videos. A while after this, I normally find that I'm shaking uncontrollably, and acknowledge to myself that it's most likely a mixture of a shitty mental place, being so tense for so long, and utter exhaustion. So to double check, I put some simple music on that doesn't require much focus, close my eyes and focua on going limp - I know that if my own thoughts fade to absolutely nothing while the singing drifts through my mind, and that I lose ALL tension and start melting into the bed...This means I'm on the point of passing out and or veering into dangerously sleep deprived suicidal ideation type territory, and need to sleep stat.

And this is the part that really alarms me - before I go to bed I need to put the light on so I don't trip, put my phone on charge, go to the bathroom and have a drink of water. Before sitting up at this stage I am AWAYS exhausted, noticably shaking, struggling to focus my vision beyond a blur, and so mentally wiped out I can barely string a single thought together, not to mention thirsty, empty, and feeling tired down to my bones, off balance and like I want to either pass out or start sobbing any second.

But by the time I get back into bed I'm always seemingly fine, if not better than when I first started watching videos - and this fucking scares me.

Because that switch happens in less than five or so minutes! Nothing has changed in that time, I am still on the borderline of passing out, I am still exhausted, I am still in an absolute shit place both mentally and emotionally and quite frequently in the middle of a relapse, and god knows what else. NOTHING HAS CHANGED I'm just far too good at putting up a front even to myself, and so practiced at it I just do it automatically- even though this normally happens around 2am or 1am when there is absolutely nobody to put up a front for!

And when I get back in bed, if I didn't remember exactly how bad I had been not ten minutes before, even I wouldn't realise there was any issue whatsoever! Let alone an issue THAT bad

That means that every time I walk into the bathroom and instantly feel sluggish thoughts crawling through my mind and then rapidly speeding up to a somewhat normal speed, every time I fill my water bottle and watch as my hands go from shaking so bad I dropped my phone and struggled to take out my earphones to not shaking at all, every time I stand and feel the majority of the tension leave and my shoulders force themselves up and back into more of a slouch and less a slump, every time I realise my vision is suddenly clear enough to be able to plug my phone in, and balance good enough to safely walk past the landing...It scares the fucking shit out of me.

I don't make any conscious, or as far as I'm aware, unconscious decision to do this, to put up this front - it just fucking happens without my input, automatically. That's terrifying because it suggests it's going to be difficult or even impossible to stop this, or any lesser form of this, from happening in the future

It also alarms me that it tricks me, that it goes so far as forcing my thoughts and mindset to shift, and that it happens when I'm entirely alone and safe. That's fucking scary - how do I stop it if I'm not even aware of it, if it's deep enough to change how my thoughts are happening, if no outside input seems to affect it? It's not a case of just, remove the bad input and I'll be fine - what do I do with that?!

Additionally, the fact that it's so thorough, tricks even me and happens without my input..I'm horribly aware that means that at more or less any moment I may be maintaining this front and not even realise. And I know for a fact it impacts my decisions...It makes me feel scared that maybe, maybe I'm hurting far more often and far more than I think, maybe I'm effectively lying most if not all of the time, maybe I'm making decisions I wouldn't if I wasn't shielding, maybe, maybe others don't even know me properly with this.

It's only maybe ten minutes total between music (shield down) and getting back in bed (shields up)

Sometimes I suddenly and very temporarily break free of this front, or apathy, or simple fear and nonoIcan't, and message my friends trying to tell them things I urgently want to share that I know I won't be able to when those shields come back up, so it's urgent and important.....And sometimes they don't reply in time and they ask something like, "what is it?" but I won't have the words anymore, or it won't seem important, or it will seem like the worst idea ever, or I'll struggle to even remember what "it" was, or I'll feel unable to say it

But every time I know I urgently wanted to say something, and now I can't because my mind and body is just, doing its damn best to protect me, which I appreciate but I just....But it also is awful because I don't know how to tell them in a way that makes sense "I'm sorry. You missed your ten minutes. I can't, I can't, I'm sorry - I want to but I can't. You missed it" so...so often I end up deflecting because at that point really do anything else

And usually in THAT kinda scenario it's not ten minutes (it may be anywhere from 2 minutes to 2 hours) but it never lasts too long so, so if they're not online or busy or caught up in another conversation etcetcetc......I lose the chance to be honest.

And I often don't get another chance to be really, truly honest, for LITERAL MONTHS

Apparently it's been determined that this is the best way to keep me safe and not in even worse health, but it's also incredibly isolating and I hate it

Quite often all I really want to say or do is more than a quickly passed over "I love you" and a brief hug - I want to be able to say "I love you. You're my best friend and I love you for this reason and this reason and this reason. You're amazing, and I love you - you help me in this way and this way and this way and I'm so grateful. If there's ever anyway I can ever help you or make you happy...Tell me. I want you to be happy. I love you - how could I not love you?"

And I CAN'T and I FUCKING CAN'T and I can't share any of the other stuff about my experiences or personality or relationships or opinions or anything that my brain has deemed "unsafe" BECAUSE OF ABSOLUTE PIECES OF SHIT WHO THINK IT'S SO FUCKING FUNNY TO BULLY AND BELITTLE AND GASLIGHT AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSE AND HURT AND IT'S NOT FAIR

The three biggest things for me, are affection, understanding, and being close to people

Do you know how much it fucking kills me to not be able to say EXACTLY how much I love everyone near me, because I was told so often that to love anyone and especially to love so freely, was am invitation to be hurt?

Do you know how alone and miserable and frustrated I get when I try to be understood and understand others and succeed in neither?

I nearly started crying one time because I was with my dad and sibling, and that was all, both of whom should be safe, and I started telling a funny story about one of our cats. And suddenly I just realised that the words coming out of my mouth weren't the truth. I knew damn well they weren't, and I hadn't been planning to lie at all, and I'd started off truthfully, but some stupid small part of me had started going "this isn't safe this isn't safe you'll be hurt they'll hurt you scream at you make you feel like you should be dead they'll make you cry then call you evil for it it's not safe it's not safe" so suddenly I realised the words coming out of my mouth weren't the ones I meant to say, and I tried to stop talking and it didn't work, and I tried to go back to how it actually happened or just my original story which was very very minorly altered (like 10% different from the truth) to keep me safe, but I couldn't and that scared me because I just kept talking, this version of the story that played up how cute and tiresome the cat was, that simultaneously diminished my part in it all and yet at the same time painted me as being silly and harmless and useful and entertaining and I just....I remember I freaked out a bit when I kept speaking even though I didn't want to, but that part of me was still going "not safe not safe not safe" and then I remember feeling for an instant like I was going to have to flee because I was about to start sobbing, but then I just felt some part of me shatter and go dim and silent and die. And suddenly I felt hollow and miserable and I was shielded again, and so I just kept talking even though later I cried about it and freaked out a lot and just...I hadn't even meant to lie. I was safe. I was among allies. It was a harmless story about a cat that didn't even feature me heavily and certainly didn't cast me in a bad light, but the entire time some part just kept chanting "not safe not safe they'll hurt you you musnt you cant you cant let them theyll hurt you its not safe its not safe its not safe"

And that fucking kills me

[sapphicscholar]

Adored your post w/head scratching as a fight ender. Could you do a short with this idea for one of your pairings/groupings? Maybe Supercorp (thought I'm not sure what they'd fight about?) Maybe Kara tells Alex it works and she tries it with Director Sanvers on one of her gfs is just like o_O wat are you doing?

Hi, dear, I posted your chapter on AO3 here!

[Refers to this post: https://sapphicscholarwrites.tumblr.com/post/165150100055/catanacomics-times-i-want-you-to-scratch-my]

A/N: Because last time T on AO3 pointed out that I should let my girlfriend’s prompts skip the line (and she admitted that this anonymous prompt was actually hers submitted while I was down in the gym)…you get this fluffy fic faster than usual bc apparently I’m whipped (and may or may not have been promised head scratches in return for a fast turnaround)

So…the promised smutty chapter is coming in just a day or two, but that one required rewatching JDT’s “Pony” dance a few times…for research, obviously for research (very professional and such)

Chapter Text

“Your feet are so cold,” Kara huffed as Alex wriggled her toes under Kara’s legs. The cold didn’t affect her, but she wouldn’t be a good little sister if she didn’t complain.

“Shh, you’re a human furnace. Just warm them up for one minute?”

“Ugh, fine,” Kara relented, stealing back the carton of ice cream from Alex in retaliation. Now that they were caught up on Homeland she could devote all of her attention to finding the brownie bites still left in the carton. “So how are the girlfriends?” she asked between mouthfuls of chewy brownie.

“Good, good. All the performance evaluations at the DEO are due next week, so Lucy’s been a little…snippy recently. But it’s fine; we know it’ll be over soon enough.”

“Oh gosh, you know what is, like, a guaranteed way to end fights with your girlfriend?”

“Wait, are you admitting that you and Lena fight?” Alex gasped. Kara always gave her such shit for how much she and Maggie and Lucy bickered. It was, for the most part, fairly good-natured, their own way of showing each other that they cared without being overly sentimental about it. But next to Kara and Lena, who seemed to play the part of the perfect, well-mannered couple…well, the contrast became a bit obvious.

“I wouldn’t call it fighting…”

“But you just did.”

“Hmm, I’m choosing to remove myself from this narrative.”

Rolling her eyes, Alex figured she might as well forge ahead: “Did you fight about kale? Did you tell her you got her a green juice and then hand her a mint chocolate chip ice cream shake again?”

“That was one time!” Kara huffed. “How was I supposed to know someone would be excited about drinking something made of kale and broccoli and cucumbers?” She shuddered at the memory of being forced to try one. Lena might have been able to get her to enjoy sweet potato fries, but the rest was a step too far.

“Yes, yes, so are you going to tell me about this miracle cure for fighting or will I only learn after three easy payments of $29.99?”

“You’re so funny,” Kara deadpanned. “But since you’re my sister…I guess I can tell you even though you’re rude.”

“You love me.”

“Despite the rudeness.”

“Definitely because of it.”

“This is why you bicker so much with your girlfriends.”

“Eh,” Alex shrugged. “We work.”

“Yes, yes, you’re all very cute together, even with the sarcastic comments and short jokes.”

“Thank you. Now tell me your magic trick.”

“Head scratches.”

“Excuse me? They’re not dogs.”

“I’m not suggesting you scratch their ears, Alex,” Kara huffed. “C’mon, remember when I was first getting used to being close to people and you would tickle my back?”

“Yeah, I’m not saying it’s not nice! I’m just saying, it’s something you do when you’re already all in a good mood together, like if you’re cuddling to watch a movie or go to bed or something.” Alex shook her head at just how far she’d come. If someone asked her a year or two ago where her life might be today, her answer would probably have involved a lot about the DEO, a few references to time spent with Kara, maybe some of Kara’s friends too. But to think that she’d have a girlfriend? That she’d have two girlfriends? That she would have learned to not simply tolerate intimacy but to crave it, even in the most banal of circumstances—a simple touch of hands while walking down the street, an arm looped around her waist while she poured her coffee, two quick kisses before they all headed out each morning for dangerous jobs—well, that would have been simply unthinkable.

“No, I get it, but trust me, it works! It was like a pause button or something. We were sitting next to each other, and she was a bit annoyed because I maybe…well, it doesn’t matter.”

“What’d you do?” Alex asked, narrowing her eyes as she tried to figure out exactly which of Kara’s guilty looks was playing about her face today. It didn’t look like the “I forgot my strength and broke something expensive look,” especially since Lena was rarely mad about things that were replaceable. It was sort of close to her “I ate the last of something delicious and feel bad because someone was mad but not bad enough to regret my choices” look, but something was…off about it.

“Um, I ripped her bra in half…for the third day in a row.”

“Ah,” Alex sighed, rolling her eyes and feeling rather lucky that the only time she’d had to repair any clothing after sex was once when Maggie had overenthusiastically ripped at a silk blouse, popping off half the buttons. “So she was mad but not that mad.”

“Oh…no, she was pretty mad. Did you know she only wears La Perla? And holy cow, Alex, have you seen how much they charge for a pair of underwear? It’s like…like, they better be made of gold or something! Or bulletproof. Or really comfortable…”

“Okay, okay, so moderately mad,” Alex conceded.

“Anyway, we were sitting next to each other on the couch, and she was venting, and I just leaned over and started running my fingers through her hair because I know she likes it. And suddenly…poof, the conversation just stopped! She sort of closed her eyes and relaxed and it was like she couldn’t even remember why she was mad.”

“And you don’t think that’s…bad for your relationship do you?”

“No, I mean, it’s not like with Mon-El, if that’s what you’re asking. Because I still remember why she was mad, and I know to be better going forward. But I didn’t have to hear the lecture, and I made her happy, so win-win!”

“Huh…I don’t know.”

“Trust me!”

—

And Alex figured it wouldn’t hurt to try Kara’s advice. After all, this was hardly a fight worth having. Lucy was just in a bad mood because several departments were late about turning in their performance reviews, so she’d been stuck at the office far too long after skipping her lunch break for a meeting, and she’d taken it out on her girlfriends, snapping at them for being distracting when she needed to work from home because there “aren’t enough hours in the day, and you two don’t have to be so loud when you make out!”

So Alex slipped in behind Lucy at her desk and apologized in a soft whisper, careful not to disturb her anymore. But while Lucy continued ranting about incompetence and no one letting her get any work done in the office or at home, Alex leaned forward and ran her fingers through Lucy’s hair, scratching lightly the way she knew Lucy liked when she curled up on the couch, her head in Alex’s lap and her hands resting on Maggie’s thighs.

“What the fuck?” Lucy asked, admittedly getting sufficiently distracted to stop muttering about how loud her girlfriends were.

“Um…is this not helping?”

“Helping what? You’re just messing up my hair.”

“Oh, I, uh, I thought it would help you relax…”

“Why would that be?”

“Ooh do mine instead!” Maggie yelled from across the apartment, bouncing slightly on their bed as she grinned at Alex. “If she doesn’t appreciate it, she shouldn’t get to enjoy your magic hands.”

“I didn’t say I don’t enjoy Alex’s hands,” Lucy huffed, “but they were a surprise.”

“Yeah, right, sorry,” Alex mumbled, quickly extracting her hands and going back over to the bedroom where Maggie had now sprawled across the bed face-down, her shirt hiked up so that Alex could tickle her back. “One sec, okay?” Alex whispered to Maggie, pulling out her phone and sending a quick text to Kara: “Your trick does NOT work!”

She was too frustrated to reply when Kara sent back: “Works like a charm whenever Lena is mad. I’m sticking by it. Maybe you did it wrong?”

—

The following Sunday, after the performance reviews had finally all been submitted and Lucy had gotten to sleep in late two days in a row, things felt like they were finally back to normal—at least close enough to normal that Alex was looking forward to having Kara and Lena over for brunch, rather than dreading how much time Lucy would lose with it.

But, of course, she should have suspected that things were going too well. And she absolutely should have recognized the mischievous glint in Lena’s eyes when she turned to look at the Danvers sisters sitting side-by-side on one side of the table. “So,” she began, a smirk playing about her lips, “I hear you two have some trick for soothing your girlfriends. Care to share with the class?”

“What’s this, Danvers?” Maggie asked, not even bothering to hide her grin.

“I don’t have any tricks,” Alex huffed. “Kara does.”

“Way to throw me under the bus!” Kara pouted.

“It’d hurt the bus more than it’d hurt you,” Alex countered.

“So what is it the great Kara Danvers does to put Lena in a good mood?” Maggie asked, looking at the blushing blonde.

“I mean, I think we all know the answer to that one…” Lucy trailed off, figuring she would stay on her best manners and not point out the obvious today.

“It’s not that! No, I just…first of all, how do you know?” Kara asked, turning to look at Lena.

“You literally texted Alex about a magic trick that you do whenever I’m angry.”

“Oh.” Kara fidgeted, playing with her glasses and trying to look innocent. “It’s nothing really…it’s just, you know, when you’re mad, sometimes it helps if I scratch your head.”

“Oh my god, is that what you were doing?” Lucy asked with a laugh, thinking back to how startled Alex had been when she called her out on it.

“Maybe…”

“Ooh, try it on me next!” Maggie called out, raising her hand up and volunteering.

“You’re not mad?” Alex checked. She’d worried a bit that it might sound deceitful. “Any of you?” She turned to look at Lena.

“No,” Lena assured her. “It’s part of being in a relationship. You figure out the little, easy ways to put your partner in a better mood, and they end up being the easiest ways to end the fights that don’t matter as much.”

“Wait…what do you do for me?” Kara asked suddenly looking curious.

Lena just laughed and shook her head. “A good magician never reveals her tricks.”

While they were cleaning up, though, Maggie sidled up to Lena at the sink. “It’s food, right?”

“Duh.”

#director sanvers #supercorp #alex x maggie x lucy #kara x lena #fluff #prompts from my girlfriend #supergirl #fanfic #ao3feed #prompt fill #alex danvers #kara danvers #lucy lane #maggie sawyer #lena luthor

[kaertrolde]

i put this under  a read more bc its super long and i went on a total rant on something i didnt really mean to. but my whole topic is pets arnt disposable, so if you dont care just keep going. i mean you dont gotta read it at all, it was mostly just me venting to try and help me feel better. but in the end a pill seems a better more realistic choice.

i seriously just cant seem to win with my dad. everything right now is about the cats. HE SAID YES TO TAKING THEM!!! bc he wanted to put them outside when we lived in the country and i preferred them being inside bc its safer and ive lost way  to many cats out there. and also he would put them out when he left for work at like 4:30 am and then they would cry and cry at my window until i let them in. i found one of them cowering in a bush once and the other was next door where they have a big pit bull(this isnt a slam on the breed, i love pit bulls in general and i genuinely believe its all on how they are raised and socialized, just like any dog) who wasnt very friendly. and i said i didnt think we should take them bc i didnt want or feel comfortable getting attached to an animal and then just to force them outside where literally anything could happen to them. and my dad knew i would get attached, i always do. and now the liter box is his issue. it s “reeks” he always says and yeah sometimes it smells but that word i hate it. its just like he (and everyone else) “you gotta find a new place to put that stupid box” but then they dont offer any solutions. so its in my bathroom which is the front bathroom and my dads like no body will want to use that bathroom with that smelly shit box in there and im like okay well they know we have inside cats so they gotta have a place to shit. and i have a dog crate in the door way so my stupid dog doesnt go in there and look for brownies to eat. i hate how older generations just think of pets as disposable. we went from 2 pets to 4. from 0 inside or outside cats to 2. and he was just like we gotta get rid of them. and he still says we gotta get rid of stella all these years later. and its like no you cant just get an animal in the moment and then when they dont act how you expect them too or they dont serve the purpose you wanted them too, you cant just chuck them out like trash. im on the edge all the time bc of it and i dont know what to do tbh. ive been trying to find better literboxs and solutions but idk. i just gotta put it in my room and deal with it. and its just like he says do this do that and when i ask how or any other question he just says figure it out. 

and dont get me started on my moms new dog. he fucking treats that turd muncher like a freaking princess. my mom is gone from home about 9 hours a day. which is a lot i know but also she is a dog and they get used to things and when shes out she gets alot of attention and a lot of play time. shes not mistreated whatsoever. but i gotta walk the half mile everyday to let her out bc how would you like to be trapped all that time. again, shes a dog. they sleep for like 18 hours a day. shes got toys and bones and a big crate and a nice bed in there. shes got a yard to run around in when my mom gets home. its just so freaking stupid that . 

i love dogs and animals in general, just sometimes people gotta realize they have their own personalities and while some cats may hunt mice and gophers all day long some might not. while some dogs are super friendly around people and other dogs, some arnt friendly to other animals but love people. a lot of it is training and exposure but some are just predisposition to be a certain way. stella was very crazy until like maybe two years ago when she started to calm down. but through all the barking and jumping and otherwise crazy behavior i stuck with it with her, shes such a smart dog and picks up things so quickly, she loves walks and tennis balls and always lets me hug and snuggle on her. but my dad wont let me bring her inside. part of me is like i understand she sheds a lot. shes dirty bc we dont have grass in the yard, shes not fixed, and shes kind of small animal reactive. but i know she can be a good dog, and once i get a job and have my own money i am going to take her to the vet so she can get shots and get fixed bc she deserves it. 

the only animal i ever asked my dad for was my current small dog, we adopted her about a month after my old dog passed. and i just couldnt handle not having a small dog, roxy 1 slept with me almost every night for onwards of 9 years. she ended up getting an inoperable tumor right on her soft pallet that made her have nosebleeds and started loosing her eyesight on one side and could barely eat. and the last few days i sat with her and helped her eat soft food and tried to stop her nose when it started bleeding and i knew it was time to let her go but my dad just went and took her and i didnt really ever get a chance to properly say goodbye to her. i know it was the best thing for her and i know it would have wrecked me to know it was coming but i still would have liked to been able to say goodbye. 

when we got stella hes like oh craigs dog had some puppys come on if there is a black and white female we are gunna take her. so that was his choice. i was a teen i didnt choose her. i got to pick the puppy and all that but in the end it was his choice that i never asked for.

the same with the cats, my moms friend couldnt keep them after having them for 7 years and my moms like do you want them and i said of course i do but if they gotta be outside all the time i dont think its a good idea so i would rather not put them in danger if someone else could keep them safe inside. and then she went and asked my dad and hes like yeah we need outside cats. so again that was his choice. 

and when he says that we gotta get rid of them or do something with them it just breaks my heart bc i love them all so much that ive been sitting here crying while i type this bc i miss roxy 1 but at the end of the day i know she had a good life that she got to live entirely with us, not getting rehomed or sitting in a shelter or dropped off on a corner. and i dont think i could emotionally handle having to get rid of any of them. 

im sorry this rant is so long, sometimes i think tumblr is the only place i can really vent like this and not really feel guilty about it. im fine and im going to stand my ground and not let him get rid of them. 

my entire point of this was that pets are not disposable. 

#jessica just stop #animal death mention/