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#callan mulvey characters
xcaptain-winterx · 1 year
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Babes 🖤 can I request something super fluffy and cuddly and loving with Jimmy? Maybe like reader or OC is overworked (job or uni), feels anxious about the still remaining amount of work and is touch deprived? 🥺👉🏻👈🏻
Love you 🥰
I love you too, sweetheart🥰💛
Cuddle To Go
summary: above
warnings: fluff, stress, mentioning of smut, mentioning of men’s wieners
a/n: English is not my first language, meaning you will probably find a lot of misspelling etc.
Masterlist 2 Jim Pace Masterlist
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You hate people more than anything, ok, not hate hate, but hate. Since June, you’ve been working on your new collection for the Berlin fashion week, and it was going great until it wasn’t. Apparently you forgot some designs. Not one, not two, or three, but twenty-one! Now you have to come up with twenty-one more looks, then order the fabrics, book more models, and more. All this needs to be done in three weeks, in which you will not get any sleep. To that comes the fact that you’re currently uninspired. The looks you already designed are inspired by the 18th century and took you months to design.
You let out a scream of frustration as you throw another sketch in the trash. The bin is already full of failed designs. Either they don’t match the rest of the collection, don’t follow the theme, or are just straight-up bad.
You are close to crying at this point; everything is going wrong. How could you be so stupid and forget about it? You should’ve focused more on work and not on anything else. Or anyone.
The table moves as your phone starts to vibrate, making you let out an annoyed growl. You ignore it and continue trying to design something good. A few seconds later, the phone stops vibrating, and the only sound throughout your apartment is the ticking of the clock, which is formally telling you that your time is running out.
You try to think of something that would be runway acceptable.
Something
Anything
God
One thing
Think
Think
Think, Goddammit!
Why can’t you just do one thing right in your life! First you forgot about the designs, and now you can’t even think about some new designs! You should’ve never gotten distracted in the first place.
“Babe, where are you?”
Oh great. There’s the distraction. The reason you forgot about the show. The reason you couldn’t walk.
“Babe!” Jim screams again, confused as to why you’re not answering. Normally, you greet him at the door and give him a kiss. He’s often gone for some weeks because of his job, and with you, traveling for fashion shows, it happens that you don’t see each other for a month. You both always make sure to make up for the missed time. You spend hours showing each other how much you missed them.
Jim quickly walks through the whole apartment, a slight panic setting within him. The panic vanishes though, when he finds you in his office, the office you claimed as your office. A smile spreads on his face when he finally sees you, hunched over the table, wearing one of his dress shirts and women boxer shorts. Jim ignores the urge to take you from behind and empty his load inside you as he walks over to you and wraps his arms around your waist.
“Hey, babe. Are you ok? You didn’t answer me”, he asks, rubbing soft circles on your stomach. It surprises him when you suddenly trash in his arms until you break yourself free from his embrace. “Hey!”
“God, stop that, Pace!” you hiss, not even trying to hide the frustration in your face or the annoyed face you make.
Jim looks at you confused as to why you are frustrated right now. Did he do something? Is he the reason you are acting like how women are portrayed on TV when they are having their periods. God, he hates male directors.
“What’s wrong?” he asks with patience and a soft voice, knowing that if he shows any irritation, it will get worse. He reaches for your hand only for you to slap it away, “Y/n”
“Can you please stop that, I don’t have time for that” you say, turning around and grabbing your pen again, ready to sketch something that will probably end up in the trash.
Jim puts his hands on his hips, this is not how he imagined his welcome home would be. Instead of ruining the carpet with some well deserved and passionate sex or even brutal fucking or at least some making out, he comes home to find his girlfriend in a bad mood. He doesn’t like that. Not because he doesn’t get to have some adult playtime with you, but rather because he hates seeing you unhappy.
“Babe” he tries again, “what going on?”. You give him no reaction, which makes Jim let out a groan. You roll your eyes as you hear his groan, but unknown to you, he has seen your eye roll in the reflection of the window.
Stupid Sierras
“Y/n” he goes for what feels like the hundredth time, “tell me what happened”.
“YOU HAPPENED!” you scream, turning around and facing him.
Jim stands there shocked; he didn’t expect you to have an outburst like that. He doesn’t remember that he did anything that could’ve led to you being this mad. He’s sure that he didn’t leave the toilet seat open when he left. He frowns, “What do you mean?”
“YOUR DICK HAPPENED!” you scream out, while pointing towards his crotch.
His eyes follow to where you’re pointing before looking back at you “my dick happened?”. He’s fucking confused.
“Yes, your fucking dick happened, you dick”
Jim tries to think of any outcome that could lead to you being like this because of his dick that has been in you weeks ago.
“Are you pregnant?”
Wrong
“WHAT!” you say, suddenly feeling more insecure than frustrated because of work, “do I look fat?!”
Taking your reaction into account, his assumption was wrong and brought him into a deadly situation. “No, no no no, I just thought that your emotional- no uh-just expression your emotions like that because of hormones- the intense feeling of uhm- growing life inside you”. Jim would like to shoot himself right now for sounding so stupid. “You look beautiful as always”, he shoots you a smile, hoping that at least that can make you feel more ‘comfortable’.
A exhausted sigh leaves your mouth, and you grab the half sketched design, “I need to have twenty-one looks, and I only have a maximum of three weeks for that.”
“I thought you already had all the looks?”
“I thought so too, but no, I didn’t” you say, slamming the sketch down, “and everything I sketch looks like shit-”.
Before you can say another word, Jim pulls you into a tight hug, wrapping his strong arms around you, “shh, it’s ok”.
You sink into his chest, face completely smooshed in his shirt, hiding from the world. He strokes your hair, kissing your head every other second and swaying a bit. When you finally decide to leave your hiding place, you see that you left a fat mascara stain on his white shirt. You didn’t even realize you were crying. “Sorry about your shirt, baby” you whisper, feeling embarrassed by the whole situation.
“It’s ok, love” he whips your tears away before giving each cheek a kiss and finally kissing your lips, “maybe you should take a break. How long have you been working?”
You look at the clock on the wall and see it’s 10:43 p.m., “about 16 hours, but-“.
The moment Jim hears how many hours you’ve been working, he picks you up, ignoring your gasp, and carries you to the living room. When he gets there, he lays you on the couch before squeezing in next to you and pulling you on top of him.
You desperately fight the urge to just relax, but the warmth of his body, his rich cologne, and the touch of his fingers drawing circles on your back makes it hard.
“You’re done with work for today, babe”
You can only give a small ‘ok’ due to the exhaustion that is just starting to show right now. Maybe it was stupid of you to work that long, knowing that you can’t come up with good ideas when you’re stressed and tired.
“Do you want me to call the concierge to get us some food, or something else?”, he ask.
“Later”, you move so your head is in the crouch of his neck, “I only need this right now”.
He chuckles, “ok, love”. He feels your eyes closing, your lashes tickling his neck.
It’s silent until Jim decides that he needs to ask you something before you fall sleep.
“So, my dick is such a huge problem that you forgot about your passion for designing and half of your collection”.
He yelps as you pinch his side. This man doesn’t care if he gets shot, but he yelps when he feels a pinch.
“Shh, Jim. We can talk about it later”, you say amused, with still closed eyes.
“Whatever you say, love”, he goes before closing his eyes too, smiling when you give him a soft kiss on his adam’s apple before drifting off into a soft slumber.
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Baker!Jack Rollins Aesthetic
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daniel-bruehl · 11 months
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side/minor character appreciation post 1/∞
Callan Mulvey as JACK ROLLINS CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER (2014)
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rip1009 · 2 months
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Just to have my two cents in the eternal debate, these are not the faces of people who were cheering and leering, grinning and rubbing hands oh so happy to get a turn and fuck the Asset.
These are the faces of two men who know they are on thin ice more than ever and that thin ice meaning that they are expandable, they will be used and abused and they do not get to have a say.
Jack is NOT grinning, sneering, cackling on the inside.
And we know he official point of view regarding Brock from Frank - see link
(*cause I read, heard and been on the fridge of all the debates regarding this particular scene. Yes, they are not vanilla heroes. Guess what, no one in the MCU is or was. Grey characters make the stories, MCU robbed us of many characters whose storylines could have been expanded and followed, redemption arcs or just riding into the sunset including the Hydra Husbands so were, are and always be a as fierce and devoted to each other as Stucky)
Also this is a big hug to the Hydra Husbands fans who were bullied, attacked, doxxed, forced to quit the fandom or leave various platforms after being chased by abusive antis, haters and many of the *wonderful, diverse those out there*
MCU decided to ignore the Hydra Husbands even thought Callan Mulvey did a fantastic role with a couple of scenes of a few second and Frank basically gave us a Brock who shows how much of a damn he gave (and still gives) to this character. Fans, the amazing Hydra Husbands who still endure after all these years, kept them alive and will continue to do so.
This is to my few, my happy few, my band of brothers and sisters who wrote, write and will continue to write the most ambitious, amazing, epic Hydra Husbands stories.
Maybe we are not as many as we were but fandoms rise, fall and rise again and new generations will always discover the treasure throve of epic works out there.
Happy Anniversary, Hydra Husbands!
As far as I am concerned, Brock and Jack have retired to a small villa in Campania (worry not, that villa is stocked with weapons and we pity the fool who tries to fuck with their serenity) but new adventures always await ♥
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ofwhimsicaldreams · 1 month
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i ended up rewatching captain america: the winter soldier as it was my favorite mcu movie back in the day and
i was so disappointed by the time the credits started rolling. i didn't remember the movie being so long and so full of shooting, seriously, so many scenes of so many people shooting at each other!!! was it sponsored by guns manufacturers or something?! also, steve rogers was such a soldier in it, i know the character is one, but i didn't remember him being like that back in the day, but he was just so... self-righteous. overall it was such an american movie, and i know, 'captain america', that's in the name, but it never struck me as much back in the day. neither man of steel nor batman v superman gave me that american feeling, but that's stories with aliens and costumed vigilantes and mediterranean half-goddesses for you.
also, natasha's smirk was really annoying by the end, but i don't think i have it in me to rewatch iron man 2 to check whether it was the same in that movie. it was very funny to see callan mulvey there though, poor guy really made two cbm (almost) back-to-back playing a trigger-happy henchman for the bad guy.
big annoyance that the casting director picked a dude from quebec to play a french villain who used to be in the french secret services. like seriously. it's like picking an australian actor (with the accent) and having him play the role of an american who used to be in the fbi. it breaks immersion so bad.
anyway that was a disappointment.
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talia-rumlow · 1 year
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Home Sweet Home (AU Rumlow X Reader) Chapter One - Something Just Like This!
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So, since I´ve gained a few Callan Mulvey fans as followers lately, I decided to start to post this story even if I´m not quite finished posting My Saviour yet. I hope you enjoy reading this story, just as much as I enjoy writing it. Every chapter in this story will be named after a song. And I strongly advice you to listen to the song, and you´ll get a better feel of the chapter
Pairing: Brock Rumlow (Mechanic ex Military Brock) X Reader
Word Count: 1825
Summary: Reader is Jack Rollins 20 year old daughter. Brock Rumlow is Jack Rollins 46 year old best friend.
Warnings: Age-Gap (no explicit material yet)
DISCLAIMER: This is an AU story. But I still don´t own any of the MARVEL characters, only my original ones.
HAPPY READING!
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Shit, the weather man wasn't lying when he said this would be a hot day. You lock the door to work, and move towards your car. Why did you chose to move back to Texas again? Oh, yeah. Because your boss in New York was a total asshole, and so was your mothers new boyfriend. So you had no choice but to ask your dad if you could stay with him.
Thankfully he said yes, although you suspected that he didn't like it too much. You moving into his house, taking parts of his private life away. But he gave you a job, doing inventory at his delivery business. And he sometimes took long trips to deliver stuff, so you had the house to yourself now and then.
Like now. Your dad was on a trip to Chicago, and would be gone for at least another week. Perfect, with these temperatures the air condition would probably stop working. And you had no idea how to fix it. At least you had a pool in your backyard, you could cool off there.
Thank God it's Friday, and you have two days off work. You could really use a beer right about now. The only problem, you're only 20. It's stupid really. You've been able to drive a car since you were 16, but you can't buy beer. You could try, but the Rollins name is a well known name in these parts, so you probably won't be able too. Well, let's hope your dad have something in his liquor cabinet at home.
You open the drivers door to your car, and the hot air from inside hits you like fire. Fuck. You roll down your windows the instant you turn on your car. You'd never be able to drive home otherwise. You crank up the music, before you start to drive home.
It's not long, about a 15 minutes drive. But you feel like it takes forever. You just want to get back home, and change into a bikini or something, and chill by the pool. You can feel your shirt sticking to your back, as you turn into the driveway. A PickUp truck is parked in your spot, and the garage door is open. Your dad didn't say anything about visitors. Is someone breaking in?
You park the car, and turn off the engine, before you slowly exit the car. Should you call the cops? Probably not, at least see who it is first. Your dad is well off, and that is well known around these parts. Someone could break in. Maybe you should call.
You pick up your phone, and call 911.
- 911 what's your emergency?
A lady answers.
- Yeah, it's YN Rollins, I think someone is breaking into my house.
You're almost whispering, hiding behind the PickUp truck.
- Ok, stay where you are, mam. What's your address?
You give her your address.
- I'll send a car right away. Do you know if they're armed?
Armed? Fuck, you didn't think of that.
- No, I don't know!
You answer.
- Ok, mam. Do you have any firearms in the house?
Do you have firearms? This is fricking Texas, of course you have firearms.
- Mam, Do you have firearms in your house?
The lady asks again.
- Yes! We have some.
You answer.
- A car will be at your address in ten minutes. Just stay where you are mam.
You hang up, and almost immediately after you hear something falling to the floor in the garage. Sounds like something metal. You move towards the sound. You know they told you to stay put, but you're too curious not to.
You fish your pepperspray up from your purse, and take a hold of it. You've been carrying pepperspray for some time now. New York at night isn't exactly the safest place for young girls. And pepperspray made you feel a bit safer. Around these parts, no one dared to mess with you. The Rollins name came with a deep respect in Texas.
You keep moving towards the sounds in the garage, slowly, careful not to make any noise. You kinda hope that the cops will arrive before you encounter whoever's in your garage. Maybe you should call your dad? No, he'd probably be scared out of his mind for you, and double back.
You keep moving towards the sound. What the fuck are they stealing? Your dads tools? God, please don't have a gun. As you enter the garage, you can see someone moving. You prepare your pepperspray.
Just a couple more steps..
You lift your pepperspray, as you round the corner.
- The cops are on their way!
You yell, as you lift the pepperspray, spraying the persons face. He screams, covering his face.
- YN! What the hell are you doing?
He says, desperately trying to shield his face.
- Brock?
You say, surprised.
- God, I'm so sorry!
You continue, as you hand him a bottle of water for him to wash some of the pepperspray of.
- What are you doing here?
- I'm fixing Jacks car. But no one told me that I was in danger of being peppered down.
He says, pouring water on his face.
- God, Brock. I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were like... Going to be here.
You take a look at his face. Thankfully he got to wash most of it off, but he's still red around the eyes.
- So, do you usually carry pepperspray and spray people down?
He asks.
- This is actually the first time I've used it. I'm sorry...
- Well, I'm honoured!
He says, with a smile. Thank God, for Brocks humor.
Sirens approaching. You suddenly feel really embarrassed.
- Wait? You called the cops on me?
Brock looks at you.
- I'm sorry. I tell them it was a mistake.
You walk out of the garage, Brock follows.
- You sure know how to welcome people, YN!
You feel beyond embarrassed when you tell the officers about the mistake.
You actually called the cops on Brock. Your dads best friend. Someone you've known your entire life. You still remember how Brock used to tell the best stories, when you came to visit your dad. Brock is no thief. How come you didn't check who it was first? This hot weather is messing with your mind.
When the cops leaves, you turn towards Brock again. He is shirtless, his toned skin glistening with sweat, and his work pants resting on his hips, revealing the lining of his boxers. Some dark spots here and there on his upper body and his face, probably from the oil. Fucking God! Did he look this good the last time you saw him?
- Look at you! All grown up!
He says.
- Err.. Yeah.. You too.. Err.. I mean...
You have no idea what to say. His looks. God. Like straight out of heaven.
- Hey, don't think about the pepperspray..
He says, giving you a hug.
- Or the cops..
He continues.
- Well, you can feel a bit bad for the pepperspray.
He adds.
- Oh my God!
You say, looking at his face again. He's flaming red around the eyes.
- I'll help you with that. Just come inside, and I'll see what I can do to help.
In the living room, you tell him to sit down on the couch, before you go and grab some soap and shampoo from the bathroom, to rinse with.
You sit down next to him, using some of your supplies to wash his face. You try not to look at his bare upper body, but it's almost impossible. His muscles, six pack. Some tattoos on his upper arms. Have he been working out like 12 times a week? It should be illegal to look this good.
- At least there is nothing wrong with your aim.
He suddenly says. You're so focused on not to look at him, that his voice makes you jump.
- Huh?
You say.
- Although you should work on your welcoming skills.
He laughs a bit. You always liked Brocks humor. He always made you laugh when you were younger. But now, in this particular situation, he makes you extremely nervous.
- Well, no one told me you'd be around. I thought you were a burglar!
He laughs again.
- At least I can tell Jack, that he doesn't need to get a guard dog.
Finally you manage to laugh with him. You laugh until your stomach and your chin hurts. Before you once again look at him. The red around the eyes looks a bit better now. You lift your hand, and touch his temple.
- Does it hurt?
He smiles.
- I'll live. Hey. I have some beers in my truck. Say we have some, and forget about this whole burglary thing.
- I...
You start.
- I know you're only 20, YN. But I know for a fact that never stopped Jack. If it did, I don't think you'd even be born. So I know he won't mind.
You smile, and nod.
You always had a good almost friend like relationship with your parents friends. Could be because they were really young when you were born. It's only 20 years between you and your dad, and only 18 between you and your mom. So when you reached 16, and started to drive, you actually picked them up from parties. Probably not the best parental work. But you didn't mind. You actually thought it was cool, and your friends thought so too.
- I'm just gonna have a shower. Looks like you could use one as well.
You gather all the supplies from before, and walk towards the bathroom.
- Just let me know when you're done. Want some food?
You can hear him say, when you lock the bathroom door behind you.
- There's a menu on the fridge!
You yell back, before you eagerly get out of your sweaty work clothes.
When you come out of the shower again, you realise that you didn't bring new clothes. Fuck! This whole heatwave thing, and Brock all sweaty and sexy really messed with your mind. You wrap a towel around you, and carefully open the door. Brock isn't in the living room. Thank God for that, you hurry up the stairs, and towards your room.
When you're almost at your door, the door to the upstairs bathroom opens, and Brock comes out, wet from the shower with a towel around his waist. You jump so much that you choke on your own saliva, and calf like crazy. Brock pats your back.
- Hey, you OK? I didn't mean to scare you.
You look at him again. Fuck that body, and with wet hair. God! How old is he now? 40? No, he's older than your dad. 44? 46? Stop it, YN!
- Yes, I'm fine.. I Just need some clothes.
He looks at you, concerned.
- Meet you downstairs then. The food will be here soon.
You walk into your room, and put on some new clothes. Food? Drinks? What is this? Like a date?
@nekoannie-chan @late-to-the-party-81 @bat-mar @rip1009 @here4thefanfics @there-goes-thefighter @ladysif8
Check out the Home Sweet Home Masterlist HERE!
Check out My Frank Grillo Masterlist HERE!
Next Chapter
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ex0rin · 1 year
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Let me just say that you entering your Rollins/Callan Mulvey era is the best thing to happen lately! We keep winning 🥰
Hello! ❤️
This is entirely @sparklingbinjuice 's fault btw - I wrote two words in a fic not even about Rollins and she lost her whole entire mind about it and dragged me along with her. So anyway, I guess I'm here now.
(Also I wish there was more of him in The Gray Man because it turns out that I LOVE that movie and would like to know more about his character)
Maybe I'm even writing a little Rollins thing, who knows 😏
Thanks for the ask! I'm glad everyone seemed to enjoy Rollins Day (my dash was full of him for like a full 24hrs haha)
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dear-indies · 1 year
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Ooh could you name five movies and or tv shows that you want people to see that include disabled characters, preferably played by disabled actors. Pleaseeee i need more inspiration for resource making.
Because I mentioned disabled shows by disabled people:
Ryan O'Connell (1986) - he has cerebral palsy and is gay, adapted his memoir into a series called Special (2019-2020) according to IMDb he's in 16 episodes.
Josh Thomas (1987) - is Autistic, has ADHD, and is gay, is in Everything's Gonna Be Okay (2020-2021) which he's also an executive producer on, and according to IMDb he's in 20 episodes and also Please Like Me (2013-2016) 23 episodes!
Tim Renkow (1989) Mexican Jewish, he co-wrote Jerk (2019-2021) and according to IMDb he's in 8 episodes.
Unfortunately, there are not many disabled media by disabled writers but I can list disabled actors who have notable tv roles:
Daryl Mitchell (1965) African-American - is paraplegic - is in Fear the Walking Dead (2018-2023) and according to IMDb he's in 21 episodes, also NCIS: New Orleans (2014-2021) and according to IMDb he's in 143 episodes.
Selene Luna (1971) Mexican - has dwarfism, is in Mayans M.C. (2022) and according to IMDb she's in 5 episodes.
Cherylee Houston (1974) - has Hypermobility Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, is in Coronation Street (2010-2023) and according to IMDb she's in 762 episodes.
Callan Mulvey (1975) ¼ Maori, ¾ Scottish - is blind in one eye, has been in a lot of things including Last King of the Cross (2023) according to IMDb he's in 10 episodes, Firebite (2021-2022) 8 episodes, Till Death (2021), Mystery Road (2020) 6 episodes.
Kurt Yaeger (1977) - is a leg amputee, is Another Life (2021) according to IMDb he's in 8 episodes.
Rana Daggubati (1984) Telugu Indian - is blind in one eye, is in Rana Naidu (2023) and according to IMDb he's in 10 episodes and according to IMDb he's in 10 episodes.
Savannah Welch (1984) - is paraplegic, is in Titans (2021) and according to IMDb she's in 10 episodes, also The Good Doctor (2022-2023) and according to IMDb she's in 8 episodes.
Ali Stroker (1987) - is paraplegic and bisexual - is in Echos (2022) and according to IMDb she's in 7 episodes, Only Murders in the Building (2021-2022) 4 episodes and Ozark (2022) 7 episodes.
Madison Ferris (1992) - has muscular dystrophy, is in Panic (2021) and according to IMDb he's in 5 episodes.
Eric Graise (1990) African-American - is a bilateral amputee, is in Black Mafia Family (2023) and according to IMDb he's in 3 episodes and Step UP: High Water (2018-2022) 29 episodes and Locke & Key (2020-2022) 9 episodes.
Lauren “Lolo” Spencer (?) African-American - has ALS, is in The Sex Lives of College Girls (2020-2021) and according to IMDb she's in 13 episodes.
Ben Mehl (?) - is blind, is in You (2021) and according to IMDb he's in 9 episodes.
Danielle Perez (?) Afro-Dominican, is a double lower leg amputee and is queer, is in a bunch of short things somebody could make a mini pack of!
Gloria May Eshkibok (?) Mohawk, Ottawa, Irish, French - is Two-Spirit (she/her) and has one eye - is in OChiSkwaCho (2018).
Matthew Jeffers (?) - has dwarfism, is in New Amsterdam (2018-2023) and according to IMDb he's in 32 episodes.
and then more suggestions from the amazing @olivaraofrph: Everything's Gonna Be Okay - has Kayla Cromer (an Autistic actress) and Not Dead Yet - has Rick Glassman (an Autistic actor) playing an Autistic character.
Not for faceclaim recommendations but I highly recommend everybody watches Crip Camp: A Disability Revolution too! As always, I cannot limit myself to five!
Let me know if you'd like more specific suggestions!
And I have a masterlist of disabled faceclaims here too!
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ncisfranchise-source · 7 months
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Acamera sweeps under Sydney Harbour Bridge, to the right is the Opera House and then we’re at Fleet Base East in Woolloomooloo. It could be an ad for Tourism Australia, except soon there’s a dead US sailor floating in the water. It’s not so much, “Where bloody hell are we?” more “What the bloody hell is going on?”
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Now, it’s here. And for that, you can thank AUKUS, the contentious nuclear submarine deal between Australia, the US and the UK, which provides a great excuse for getting NCIS agents on Australian soil.
“That’s what the show is piggybacking off,” says Todd Lasance, who plays Australian Federal Police agent Sergeant Jim “JD” Dempsey who is called in to investigate the sailor’s death. The catch? Because the sailor was a US citizen, NCIS also has jurisdiction over the investigation.
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Mackey (Swann) and JD (Lasance) face off over who gets to investigate the death of a US sailor in NCIS: Sydney.
Enter Olivia Swann, who plays NCIS Special Agent Michelle Mackey. “She’s a very straightforward woman, she’s here to get a job done,” says Swann. “She’s here to do things her own way, she follows her own rules. So having to join forces with these larrikin, laid-back Aussies is not her ideal way of working.”
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It’s a big swing and one I have been so curious about since the show was announced last year. Back then, it seemed ludicrous – how could NCIS even operate here? Would every dead body have a major tourism landmark in the background? How many times can they visit Bondi? Would they throw another shrimp on the barbie?
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NCIS: Sydney is a throwback to the kind of police dramas we used to do so well, such as Rush, starring Jolene Anderson, Rodger Corser and Callan Mulvey.
But, you know what? It works, it really does. It’s zippy and light on its feet, with a distinctive Australian twang. It’s a throwback to the type of police action dramas we used to do – Police Rescue, Water Rats and Rush. Yes, it’s still slightly absurd that the AFP would team up with the NCIS crew and that AUKUS would be the catalyst, but it’s the back end of a rank 2023, so let’s go with it.
“With NCIS, the audience comes for the crime, but stays for the characters and chemistry,” says Lasance. “And that is very true for our series. It centres around interesting and well-rounded and nuanced characters, and when they come together, it’s just exciting stuff. They’re flawed people, but also so lovable.”
‘I wonder why they haven’t done this?’
Part of the enduring popularity of NCIS is that it’s the opposite of every cult, word-of-mouth, zeitgeisty show ever made. It’s easygoing, almost daggy TV. Everyone knows how it works – mysterious death in the first five minutes, some office banter, investigation of said death, a scene or two in the autopsy room or forensic lab, a red herring, then a chase, suspect is caught, more banter and cue credits. And repeat.
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“My very first reaction was: I wonder why they haven’t done this already?” says O’Neill, who created the ABC series Les Norton.
So he watched a lot of NCIS – the Washington original, plus the Los Angeles, New Orleans and Hawaii spin-offs – and realised that far from creating a carbon copy of the “mothership”, each spin-off worked because it had its own identity.
“They expanded the universe, but they never made the same show twice,” says O’Neill. “So the original show, which is now in its 20th year, is a really unique show. It has its own swagger, its own tempo, its own tonality. But when they came to make NCIS: LA, it wasn’t the same show. They really took a step to the side and a couple of steps in a different direction to make sure that it stood out as a distinctive version of a show that shares a lot of DNA, but isn’t the same.”
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And while these building blocks may seem creatively restrictive, O’Neill found them liberating.
“There is an expectation from the audience that this is going to be a quirky family, where you have these archetypes that exist within it,” says O’Neill. “Fortunately, we have those archetypes in Australia, and they’re not really the same as the ones that America has.
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The other ingredient O’Neill wanted was humour. Whereas the US versions are cheesy, at best – Mark Harmon couldn’t crack a smile if he tried – NCIS: Sydney burrows into the culture clash between the US and Australia. The slang for yanks, “septic”, has to be explained, as does our coffee. There’s drag queens at Bondi and mustachioed hipsters in Marrickville, while a chase through a narrow terrace house is one you won’t find in Los Angeles.
“What I think makes this show such a behemoth – someone was telling me they reckon there’s four and a quarter trillion minutes of this show that has been viewed around the world since its inception – is that at the core of its success is the fact it’s fun. There’s a wink to it, there’s a twinkle in its eye,” says O’Neill.
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‘Just be still’
One of the other main building blocks of NCIS is that each episode opens with a death – the sillier the better (one recent one had hairy body chunks falling from the sky onto a child’s birthday party). But what I want to know is, how do you play a dead body?
“You know, I had the same question,” says Michael Jupp, a stunt performer who was asked to, well, play dead. “I’ve done my fair share of acting and stunt work, but I’ve never played a dead body. So the first place you go, as anyone, is Google, to have a little look at the experiences of other people. I asked a few of my actor friends, and they’re like, ‘Just be still’.”
Jupp’s character has a fairly pedestrian death by NCIS standards – a drug-induced heart attack – but it required him to stagger while running before eventually collapsing. He then had to lie on the ground for a few hours while filming carried on around him.
“You’re just still and you try not to breathe with your chest, so you don’t look alive,” he says. “And if you do need to take a breath, go deep in the belly.”
Jupp also spent a couple of days on the autopsy table. “They make you super pale, with purpley dark bits under your eyes to make you look a bit lifeless,” says Jupp. “Then, because it was an investigative autopsy, they had to put prosthetics on my chest. The first thing we did was the sewn-up version, with the big Y-shape and stitches.
“Then there was a prosthetic change, where they put the open chest on. And that was like a massive build, from hip to shoulder. I couldn’t move at all, they were like: ‘If you move, it’ll break the seams and we’ll have to start again’.”
And the best thing about being a dead body? “It was a lot of getting paid to lie down,” says Jupp.
‘All sorts of sticky situations’
If O’Neill has his way, there’ll be plenty more opportunities for actors to play dead. “I can imagine a couple of [future] episodes shot up in Darwin,” he says. “There’s a huge port up in Darwin that houses a continual marine rotation unit, of anywhere between 3000 and 4000 Marines who get in all sorts of sticky situations up there.”
What about other US TV franchises, does O’Neill see a future with Law and Order: Melbourne perhaps?
“Melbourne can have Law and Order and then we can keep NCIS: Sydney and we can just co-exist,” he says. “The world is in a pretty dark place right now. I was just talking to one of my story producers and she said it’s actually good to come to work and be thinking of stories that are slightly escapist, where you can tell a story and wrap it up and actually love the people for what they’re doing. And I hope audiences feel that.”
NCIS: Sydney streams on Paramount+ from November 10.
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THE GRAY MAN (2022)
Starring Ryan Gosling, Chris Evans, Ana de Armas, Jessica Henwick, Regé-Jean Page, Wagner Moura, Julia Butters, Dhanush, Alfre Woodard, Billy Bob Thornton, Callan Mulvey, Eme Ikwuakor, Scott Haze, Michael Gandolfini, Sam Lerner, Robert Kazinsky, DeObia Oparei, Karen Jin, Martin Harris, Jimmy Jean-Louis, Aishwarya Sonar, Boone Platt and Daz Crawford.
Screenplay by  Joe Russo and Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely.
Directed by Anthony Russo and Joe Russo.
Distributed by Netflix. 129 minutes. Rated PG-13.
Remember when action films actually had stories which made sense and a real sense of danger because the heroes were constantly in danger of death? Me either, it’s been a long time. The Gray Man is sort of the state-of-the-art in modern cartoonish action, a film in which the violence is so wildly over the top that eventually the whole enterprise seems ridiculous.
Sierra Six (Ryan Gosling), the anti-hero of this adrenaline rush which calls itself a film, is shot (multiple times), stabbed (also multiple times), survives car crashes, explosions, huge falls, being punched and kicked (over and over again), jumping from a crashing plane (without a parachute), nearly drowning and so many other poorly shot and edited hazards that I can’t even remember them all.
You’d think all that would kill a guy, or at the very least slow him down. However, Six is barely bruised, occasionally limping slightly, or getting a little cut, or slightly losing his breath. He seems to be indestructible, leaving a trail of bodies and ravaged cities behind him as entire groups of military assassins try, unsuccessfully, to take him out.
And why are they so desperate to kill this unkillable guy? I don’t know, it has something to do with a cute tween girl and an incriminating flash drive. I think.
Maybe they just don’t like him. Or maybe they just know that there would be no movie without them trying. I’ve got a secret for the Russo Brothers, there’s not much of a movie even with it. The Gray Man is basically what a Fast & Furious movie would be if they didn’t have a sense of humor about themselves.
Which is a shame, because there is the seed of an okay movie in The Gray Man before it goes completely off the rails and becomes a non-stop thrill ride.
The problem isn’t with the cast. It’s Ryan Gosling’s first movie in four years since First Man, and Chris Evans is always entertaining in his asshole mode (see also: Knives Out), and Ana de Armas is stunning, as always. It’s just none of them are really given much to do. Chris Evans’ character is particularly disappointing – yes, he’s an asshole, but he’s also completely incompetent (the character, not Evans). He’s supposed to be one of the most deadly, ruthless assassins in the world, but he doesn’t seem smart enough to kill a fly. And he mostly leaves the killing to others.
And there are lots of others. The Gray Man expends thousands of bullets, bombs, car crashes, etc. No one – criminals or lawmen alike – gives even a moment’s thought or hesitation to all of the potential innocent bystanders who could be killed by the thousands and thousands of rounds of gun fire. Entire cities are laid waste to, again in search of an aging contract killer, a little girl and a flash drive. No one in The Gray Man believes in subtlety.
It may have… maybe… possibly worked as an over-the-top goof, if not for the fact that the hand-held shaky cams and awful editing made the action scenes nearly impossible to follow, even if you wanted to. The directing Russo Brothers – who do have experience in big, blockbuster action films with their Marvel background (helming two Captain America films and two Avengers films) – seem to have totally lost their mojo here. Visually, this film is a mess.
Yet, it somehow fits in for Netflix, where it will be debuting next week after a limited theatrical run. Watching all this mayhem at home, without having to pay for tickets and parking and concessions, will make it easier to take. And easier to leave if you decide to go that way.
Jay S. Jacobs
Copyright ©2022 PopEntertainment.com. All rights reserved. Posted: July 14, 2022.
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xcaptain-winterx · 1 year
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Jim Pace (Sierra four) Masterlist
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One Shots / Drabbles
Cuddle To Go
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rip1009 · 1 year
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I posted 182 times in 2022
That's 22 more posts than 2021!
13 posts created (7%)
169 posts reblogged (93%)
Blogs I reblogged the most:
@bia-melodramatic-fool
@leviathanhomecooking
@crownofhatred
@sparklingbinjuice
@badboyrumlow
I tagged 167 of my posts in 2022
Only 8% of my posts had no tags
#hydra husbands - 47 posts
#callan mulvey - 45 posts
#jack rollins - 44 posts
#frank grillo - 44 posts
#brock rumlow - 43 posts
#kingdom - 6 posts
#cobra husbands - 5 posts
#alvey kulina - 5 posts
#😍 - 4 posts
#interview - 4 posts
Longest Tag: 100 characters
#i don't see much of him getting railed withing an inch of his life but i will remedy that in writing
My Top Posts in 2022:
#5
Callan Mulvey's interview focused on the training we went through for 300:Rise Of An Empire.
3 notes - Posted August 2, 2022
#4
Frank Grillo - Playboy interview
3 notes - Posted July 30, 2022
#3
Chapters: 2/? Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Hellraiser (Movies 1987-2018) Rating: Explicit Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: Jack Rollins/Brock Rumlow, Alexander Pierce/Gideon Malick Characters: Brock Rumlow, Jack Rollins, Alexander Pierce, Gideon Malick, Natasha Romanov (Marvel), Pinhead, Cenobites, Strike Team (Captain America movies), mention of Nick Fury, Jasper Sitwell Additional Tags: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Smut, Not Canon Compliant, Graphic Torture, Manipulation, Emotional Manipulation, fluff moments, we have cuddles, we have drama, we have 'not without you', we have Hellraiser crossover, Hellraiser is a tag and a warning, we will cry, we will cheer, God knows what else we will have, Fucking With Feelings, More tags will come Summary:
What would a box do in the grand scheme of things?
When Gideon Malick had a big plan, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. For Alexander Pierce it was one of the regular chess games between the two of them. Would a puzzle box be more powerful than a Tessaract? It remained to be seen. Until then, the puzzle box Gideon spoke of had to be retrieved and who better than the best team Alexander had? Enter the STRIKE team lead by Commander Rumlow.
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chapter 2 is now up and it’s a smutty one when the Hydra Husbands finally show up in all their wicked glory.
4 notes - Posted December 4, 2022
#2
If anyone who is a Hydra Husbands fan wishes to collaborate for a HH and/or related HTP stories, inbox me ❤️
11 notes - Posted November 2, 2022
My #1 post of 2022
Maxim Australia interview
20 notes - Posted July 30, 2022
Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →
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simplylove101 · 7 months
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2023 Horror Challenge: [52/?]
↳“When in doubt..." 
"Trust my brain, not my eyes." Delirium (2018) dir. Dennis Iliadis
Plot: A man recently released from a mental institute inherits a mansion after his wealthy parents die. After a series of disturbing events, he comes to believe it is haunted.
Starring: Topher Grace, Patricia Clarkson, Callan Mulvey, Genesis Rodriguez & Robin Thomas
Trying to get in some watches in today seeing as we've officially reached the week mark until Halloween and I only have so many off days in between that time (Halloween just so happens to be one of those days) so who knows how many more I'll manage to watch. I always have sooo many movies I wanna watch every year but when it comes to crunch time, I always forget major ones I meant to check out. Sometimes because I end up watching things I probably never fully intended to. Kinda like this one. lol I was vaguely curious about it because I do like Topher enough as an actor so I was interested in seeing him in a horror movie setting. I personally think he did a fine job. I cared enough about his character as he slowly questioned his sanity throughout the movie. There were plenty of other familiar faces in here as well, which is always nice. It did feel like they were mostly underused though imo, especially Patricia Clarkson, considering she's so great and her role felt pointless by the end. The story had some twists, which I appreciated, but they weren't necessarily groundbreaking so it's not like I was mindblown by them, but they were pretty good. And the action does get intense too. I will say there was a moment where we learn some backstory that felt a little lazy because it's just the main character talking about it in a way where I wished they had been able to intercut some flashback shots or something while he spoke cuz that was kinda awkward. First rule of writing: Show don't tell, people! But yeah, otherwise, they did what they could to make you wonder if certain things were real or just in Tom's head until it was pretty obvious it wasn't actually a ghost story. As far as a Blumhouse Production, I wouldn't say it was necessarily one of their better ones, but it was certainly watchable so there's that. I didn't hate it but yeah, could have used some tweakings. Overall, it was okay though I guess.
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fearsmagazine · 1 year
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CHILDREN OF THE CORN - Review
DISTRIBUTOR: RLJE Films
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SYNOPSIS:  “Possessed by a spirit in a dying cornfield, a twelve-year-old girl in Nebraska recruits the other children in her small town to go on a bloody rampage and kill all the adults and anyone else who opposes her. A bright high schooler who won't go along with the plan is the town's only hope of survival.”
REVIEW: Kurt Wimmer is the director of films including the Christian Bale-starring Equilibrium and the Milla Jovovich-starring Ultraviolet. His latest is a reimagining of CHILDREN OF THE CORN. Part 1977 Stephen King short story, a bit of the1984 Fritz Kiersch’s feature film based on the short story, Wimmer puts the children at the center of his film that is dressed in several contemporary environmental issues.
The religious fervor is replaced by a combination of ecological commentary and general adolescent angst and anger. Still set in a Nebraska, Gatlin is now Rylstone, agricultural community, it takes the viewer to the beginning of the town’s troubles as Eden begins to focus the children of the town to rise up and take back their future. Eden is both adorable and diabolical as they begin to slaughter adults. At the beginning we do feel for her due to the abuse she suffers at the hands of the local pastor. On the other hand, Boleyn is trying to rationally deal with the situation and becomes a bit militant in facing her father and the town’s plans as result of their agricultural demise. Boleyn ultimately becomes the dissenting voice of reason until she comes face-to-face with "He Who Walks Behind the Rows.” The story presents multiple possibilities as to the origins of this creature, among them a mass hallucination due to the fungus on the crop. It also plays into the story’s final scene. It’s a cleverly written update of King’s tale that presents a different perspective.
The two female leads, Elena Kampouris and Kate Moyer, are nicely paired as Eden and Boylen. Their performances feel like they are Nebraska natives caught up in these dire circumstances. There is a strength to both performances that begins to diverge, one rational the other psychotic. I enjoyed how Moyer maintains a child’s essence as she becomes a sinister foe. The other cast members of Eden’s cabal are an entertaining ensemble cast. The adult cast features performances from veteran South Pacific actors, such as Callan Mulvey, who appeared in several Marvel & DC Films, and Bruce Spence, best known as Bruce Spence in “Road Warrior.”
Wimmer, an accomplished action director, adds a lot of energy to the film without negatively impacting the suspense and drama. The cinematography is a burnt look with different brown hues that almost feels apocalyptic, but clearly creates a town suffering from this blight. In contrast, there are some green pastures that create an interesting visual balance. There are some solid production designs that add to the atmosphere of the tale. I appreciated how he slowly played out his hand in allowing the audience to see the creature. The overall look not only tips its hat to King’s description, it wonderfully plays into Wimmer’s reimagining as to the ambiguity of its origins. The film has some graphic sequences, but I don’t feel it was as gory as the 1984 film, but very effective. Wrapping everything up is an engaging score by Jacob Shea & Tim Count. There are a variety of character themes as well as movements that add a lot of ambiance to emotional and effect sequences.
Kurt Wimmer’s CHILDREN OF THE CORN has more in common with environmental horror films than Fritz Kiersch’s slasher adaptation. There is a tone to the film that is reminiscent of films such as 1979’s “Prophecy,” 1997’s “Mimic,” or 2008’s “The Happening.” It proposes more of a cause and effect, but does not discount there could have been an ancient entity in the maze awoken due to the town’s actions. Anyone who has ever worked with children knows how cunning, devious and cruel they can be. Wimmer draws on that to add a heightened sense of terror, and still manages to keep a sense of innocence luring in the periphery. Given the narrative structure it might not be fully what genre fans expect, but the film delivers a lot. If you can come to it without expectations and a fresh perspective you should enjoy the ride.
CAST: Elena Kampouris, Kate Moyer, Callan Mulvey, Bruce Spence, Stephen Hunter, Andrew S. Gilbert, and Rafferty Grierson. CREW: Director/Screenplay - Kurt Wimmer; Producer - John Baldecchi, Doug Barry, and Lucas Foster; Cinematographer - Andrew Rowlands; Score - Jacob Shea & Tim Count; Editors - Merlin Eden, Banner Gwin and Tom Harrison-Read; Production Designer - Pete Baxter; Costume Designer - Amelia Gebler; Special Effects Supervisor - David Trethewey; Visual Effects Supervisor - Steve Vojkovic; Visual Effects & Animation - Digital Domain OFFICIAL: N.A. FACEBOOK: N.A. TWITTER: N.A. TRAILER: https://youtu.be/Yc4yHYJio3Y RELEASE DATE: In Theaters March 3rd, and On Demand and Digital March 21st, 2023.
**Until we can all head back into the theaters our “COVID Reel Value” will be similar to how you rate a film on digital platforms - ���� (Like), 👌 (It’s just okay),  or 👎 (Dislike)
Reviewed by Joseph B Mauceri
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docrotten · 1 year
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Upcoming Horror Movies for MARCH 2023 - SCREAM VI, 65, THE LAKE, and more...
Welcome to HORROR NEWS RADIO for February 27, 2023. JOIN US FOR movie news of the week and the 13 HORROR MOVIES IN MARCH 2023. All this, and more, coming up next…
I am your host Doc Rotten and this is HNR, the official GRUESOME MAGAZINE HORROR NEWS podcast. Back with me again are the scariest, goriest, bloodiest co-hosts on the 'Net: Dave Dreher, the lead news writer at Gruesome Magazine.
HORROR MOVIE NEWS
Eli Roth adds cast to his THANKSGIVING horror feature include Patrick Dempsey. Source: Hollywood Reporter, Deadline, and Hollywood Reporter. Blumhouse's THE EXORCIST (2023) reboot adds cast including Jennifer Nettles. Source: Deadline, Variety, Deadline, Deadline.
Pennywise is heading to HBOMax in new series WELCOME TO DERRY. Source: Gruesome Magazine.
First trailer for THE POPE'S EXORCIST provides first look.
13 HORROR MOVIES IN MARCH 2023
03/02 Spoonful of Sugar (Shudder)
Millicent is taking a semester off from her studies to concentrate on her thesis about children with severe allergies, which makes her the perfect person to take care of little Johnny, a sickly, mute child who suffers from every allergy under the sun, from nickel to artificial fabric. His overbearing mother, Rebecca, is an accomplished author who is focused on her latest book release, while his dissatisfied father, Jacob, spends sweaty, shirtless days toiling away on a carpentry project in the backyard.
Director: Mercedes Bryce Morgan
Writer: Leah Saint Marie
Cast: Morgan Saylor, Kat Foster, Myko Olivier
03/02 The Park (XYZ Films)
After a virus kills all of the Earth's adults, rival children battle for control of an abandoned theme park.
Writer/Director: Shal Ngo
Cast; Carli McIntyre, Laura Coover, Billy Slaughter
03/03 Sound of Silence (XYZ Films)
Emma must uncover the dark secret behind a cursed radio to survive and protect her family.
Writter/Director: Alessandro Antonaci, Daniel Lascar, Stefano Mandalà, T3
Cast: Lucia Caporaso, Chiara Casolari, Daniele De Martino
03/03 Hunt Her, Kill Her (Welcome Villain)
On an otherwise peaceful evening during her first night on the job, a lone night shift janitor finds herself in an unexpected fight for survival when she becomes the target of sinister masked intruders. As their disturbing motives become clearer, she must use her crafty instincts and barbaric violence to make it through the night alive.
Directors: Greg Swinson, Ryan Thiessen
Writer: Greg Swinson
Cast: Natalie Terrazzino, JC Oakley III, Larry Bunton
03/03 Children of the Corn (2023)
The film describes the events leading up to, and including, the massacre of the adults of a small town in Nebraska by their children, after the adults' irresponsibility ruins the crop and the children's future.
Writer/Director: Kurt Wimmer
Cast: Elena Kampouris, Kate Moyer, Callan Mulvey, Bruce Spence
03/07 Unseen (Paramount+)
Sam, receives a call from Emily a nearly blind woman who is running from her murderous ex in the woods. She must survive the ordeal with Sam being her eyes using video call.
Director: Yoko Okumura
Writers: Salvadore Cardoni, Brian Rawlins
Cast: Missi Pyle, Midori Francis, Jolene Purdy
03/10 Scream 6 (Theatrical)
In the next installment, the survivors of the Ghostface killings leave Woodsboro behind and start a fresh chapter in New York City.
Directors: Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, Tyler Gillett
Writers: James Vanderbilt, Guy Busick
Based on Characters by: Kevin Williamson
Cast: Melissa Barrera, Courtney Cox, Jenna Ortega, Jasmin Savoy Brown, Mason Gooding, Hayden Panettiere, Samara Weaving, Durmot Mulroney
03/10 65 (Theatrical)
An astronaut crash lands on a mysterious planet only to discover he's not alone.
Writers/Directors: Scott Beck, Bryan Woods
Cast: Adam Driver, Ariana Greenblatt, Chloe Coleman
03/10 The Lake (Theatrical limited)
One child brought back a strange egg, until realized that it was a monster egg. It emerged from the lake. and kill everyone in the whole town
Directors: Lee Thongkham, Aqing Xu
Writer: Lee Thongkham
Cast: Chakrit Boonkeaw, Naiyana Bumee, Wanmai Chatborirak
03/10 Unwelcome
Married couple Maya and Jamie escape their urban nightmare to the tranquility of rural Ireland only to discover malevolent and murderous goblins lurking in the gnarled, ancient wood at the foot of their new garden.
Director: Jon Wright
Writers: Mark Stay, Jon Wright
Cast: Hannah John-Kamen, Douglas Booth, Colm Meaney
03/27 Leave (Shudder)
A young woman tries to find her origins after having been abandoned as an infant at a cemetery wrapped in a cloth with satanic symbols, but as she gets closer to answers a malevolent spirit is telling her to leave.
Director: Alex Herron
Writer: Thomas Moldestad
Cast: Alicia von Rittberg, Herman Tommeraas, Stig R. Amdam
03/31 Enys Men (Neon)
Set in 1973 on an uninhabited island off the Cornish coast, a wildlife volunteer's daily observations of a rare flower turn into a metaphysical journey that forces her as well as the viewer to question what is real and what is nightmare.
Writer/Director: Mark Jenkin
Cast: Mary Woodvine, Edward Rowe, Flo Crowe
03/31 The Unheard (Shudder)
Director: Jeffrey A. Brown
Writers: Michael Rasmussen, Shawn Rasmussen
Cast: Lachlan Watson, Michele Hicks, Nick Sandow
FEEDBACK
Chad White
Awesome show everyone. Thanks for compiling all these upcoming movies. There is a lot to look forward to. I love twist movies, so I'm hoping M.Night Shyamalan can bring the magic.
BTW…No worries Crystal; both Possession and Possessor were awesome. Thanks for the recommendation.
I really appreciate all the hard work you all do for the show.
Check out this episode!
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gore-hovnd · 4 years
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Me: *watchin Callan Content™️*
Callan: Ight, imma head out *dies*
Me, literally every god damn time:
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