#can't I have some peace in my life

[dd-writes]

.

#I'm tired #I'm tired of thinking #I'm tired from all the thoughts I have #my mind won't stop racing #and i fucking hate it #too many intrusive thoughts #and so fucked up #i can't even sleep #or cope #i hate being so fucking hypersexual and feral #ALL THE DAMN TIME #i need a rest #i need a break #i need some calm and peace #fuck you traums #fuck you life #fuck everything

[tricoufamily]

once again thinking about how easy it would be for me to be in a relationship if i was cis

#cis woman cis man either way #dude in the neighborhood has a crush on me telling me i'm beautiful like 'thanks! i will go home and cry now' #i fucking hate being trans i wish i wasn't lol #and sometimes i feel like i can't talk about this anywhere bc in a lot of trans spaces it's like. taboo? to express anything but positivity #as if me being honest about how i feel about myself is somehow how i feel about every single trans person jesus christ but whatever whateve #like listen peace and love but i need you to do me a favor and promise me you will not come at me with any 'transness should be about joy' #i know you mean well i know you're right. but transness for me /is/ pain and sorrow. that's all it's ever caused me my entire life #you have to remember that i'm from rural appalachian tennessee with a transphobic family #some of the most deeply rooted self hating repression for years just for. more honest self hatred #i've never admitted this before but i've considered detransitioning and repressing because of transphobia many times #i'm not brave i'm not strong i'm not trying to make some grand statement or be the voice of a generation. i just want to Be. you know #i just got really really unlucky #but i can't repress. i know that would be even more miserable so i'm just. trapped. forever #who i want to be forever out of reach like tantalus or something i don't know #i want to be loved #or maybe i should just watch the batman again

[binch-i-might-be]

okay. unfortunately I am once again overwhelmed and exhausted by everything. I need three years off asap

#just got my period so maybe i'm just suffering of female hysteria or whatever #man there's so many things and i'm not doing any of them because i don't have time but i HAVE time but i can't use it because it's #not enough because i need to sit and catch my breath but i can't because things keep happening and i'm getting old #and i'm a disappointment and a weirdo and all i want!!! is to have some peace!!! and do my funny little crafts in PEACE!! #maybe all i want from life is petting little guys and going on walks and writing stories and making things #maybe i don't want to work for money maybe i just want to sit in the sun and be happy for once #everyone leave me alone!!!!! i need time!!! and i don't have it i'll never have it i'm going to go insane!!!

[navree]

i mean this with all the sincerity i can muster, the only feasible way to ship dracula with anyone in a way that isn’t deeply fucked up and filled with religious imagery (or an acknowledgment of the theory that “the brides” are actually his wife and daughters from when he was human and they just made themselves a vampiric nuclear family instead of a regular nuclear family one day) is if you embrace the concept of dracula fucking his way through literally the entire polycule one by one until he’s essentially whored his way to semi-redemption/being their resident slutty attack dog who has to be whacked on the nose on occasion to stop him from eating people for pleasure and not profit

#personal #dracula daily #i do NOT subscribe to anyone who does the whole woobifying dracula thing for shippery #(unless it's specifically for van helsing and dracula being ex husbands or whatever dracula and jonathan have going on) #('i too can love' literally shut UP dracula my life has never known peace since i first read that) #it only works if you acknowledge that he wants to dick his way through the entire eastern hemisphere #(and also already has a wife and two kids who are basically on board with the idea) #and they end up just kinda using him as their resident pet monster who protects them from idk #fuckin jack the ripper or some shit #dracula: can i kill him? polycule: no you can't kill him. dracula: not even a little bit? fine no kisses for ANYBODY for a week!

[robbiedaymonds]

me, nearly at the end of episode 4: that is not my ahsoka but damn if lord baylan can't slice and dice me any time he wants

#r*sario doesn't have any of ahsoka's spirit or any life in her at all #just reimagining all these scenes with actually ahsoka in my head to make this show bearable #but also daaaaamn the dark side always looks so good (rest in peace mr stevenson tho very sad) #i can't help myself #also did anyone on this script team read the thrawn books? the LAST thing thrawn would want would be to start another war #it's like they don't know his character at all even just in mere mentions #i'd love for him to come back and just bounce lmao #more war means more exploratory colonization means more opportunity for the chiss homeworld to be discovered #aka the opposite of thrawn's main objective #ANYWAY #i'm gonna catch up this weekend i guess since i've got no plans #i wish this show was better but some small parts are good #ashlee talks #sw: ahsoka

[tvrningout-archived]

what if i did the unthinkable and wiped the slate completely clean so i can start the year off fresh and without the weight of unfinished drafts... would y’all be upset

#naturally!! if there's something you wanted me to save i would #and if you're working on a reply currently pls do bc i won't drop it #but i'm just thinking my problem rn is i feel tired from life and frozen bc i have so much that i've allowed to pile up that i can't #make up my mind what to work on first so i focus on other things like headcanons #i dunno i'm just trying to think of what i can do to get back into a groove bc i've hardly been writing like i used to #the latter chunk of this year has just been rough and it shows as far as my creative output #ahhhhhhh i dunno y'all let me look through some drafts and just see if i can make my brain cooperate #i hate dropping anything tbh especially when i know there are a lot of threads i love to pieces that i'd be letting go :( #how does anyone delete drafts and asks and feel at peace about it--- #get ready to ramble | ooc #tbd

[1roentgen]

.

#can't find my headphones going insane #need... music....loud... #back from that meditation retreat/course thingy btw #thank god it wasn't that bad #i think i've made peace with going girlmode essentially full time again #as they say. c'est la vie... i will never win but the idgaf war wages on #other than the whole compulsory aspect of it the mandatory white garb was not so bad : P #observing the 8 precepts for only a few days is basically nothing... v ez #a lot of the lecture/sermon content was pretty legit and imo applicable to my daily life although i had issues w/ some topics discussed #i don't fuck with thought crime/'sin' and I'm pretty resolute about this #i have ocd and if i believed every time i had a horrible thought i let myself think it was reflective of #my inner state and/or karma stats or whatever i'd probably actually shoot myself #ok the relevant #buddhist theory is actually pretty complex but i don't want to misrepresent anything and #i cannot explain. i actively interact as little as i can with this kinda thing. even if you make me to take a course lol in my head I'm #wily and u cant get me. this is my turf and i'm like a ferret #i do beleive i have said my personal philosophies are undoubtedly highly influenced by Buddhist thought #but i can't be all gung-ho about this 'ending suffering' forever business #as nice as that sounds #i don't want to be told the meaning of life like I'm not gonna perservere my entire lived existence to fulfill some grand objective pre- #determined by someone else no matter how well-regarded they are by however many people #I'm rather attached to the things that bring me comfort and joy and meaning...as shallow or illusory they may be #i don't like that i'd feel threatened into trying to escape samsara bc its 'uber rare' that i was born into the right species #in the right religion and right place and time to get chance to do that #like in that one poem #i would like to touch the world with bare hands even it burns you know what i mean? #stop trying to save me; stop telling me to let go of the world #i try to stand my ground you know but I'm aware this is really important to my parents right now #i know people get more religious as they grow older #maybe i just am not forced to reckon with mortality in the same way that they are and therefore am not at a stage in my life where i can

[jlf23tumble]

Hi Jen, I'm phoning in on the hot take hotline and nosily asking what your crack and your real theories are. Hope you have a great day. One of these days I hope to get a vintage toilet ad as a response to message b/c I love your #bathroomcontent but I don't want to send a garbage ask just to get one so here is my dilemma!

#i'll give you a bathroom any damned time! #and since you asked nicely #share some hot takes! #so my crack theory is that louis is as tired of his fucked up fanbase as i am #and he said u know what? #let's just mention freddie in every single interview i do here #even if he isn't brought up i'll mention his fave food #his bedtime #people have said all this shit about me being a shit dad #HERE YOU GO #and if it makes blogs like [redacted] and [redacted] and [redacted] pick up sticks and leave (bigger than me shout out!) #because it makes them so 'tired' #and 'exhausted'....they're just 'done'....THEN GOOD #you're welcome to the rest of fans who for some christ knows why can't quit or unfollow them #they'll go away for a while and said fans will know some peace #thank u for your service king! #(related: i still cannot for the LIFE OF ME get why people get so worked up about babygate when a) this kid is 6 #and b) it makes not one single BIT OF DIFFERENCE it doesn't hurt louis at all in fact it helps him so why the weirdos about it??) #anyway #my non-crack theory is just what i said #if you're in the closet and need to protect said closet...being a dad is useful #and if he's with harry or not those closets are tied together #danger to harry's closet in various forms (post-venice pre-mp) means amp it up on louis's #(i haven't heard the album in full but i'm predicting that plays a role too) #but even if not even if at the end of the day louis is a dad and is wearing his dad hat i love that he's just yeah whatever about it #sure wish his fanbase could be too #come chat with me directly for even MORE stupid hot takes on this stupid topic lmao i could go on and on #but also not really because it's the dumbest thing in the WORLD to be upset about as a fan #i truly wish someone could come and explain it to me so i could exercise some more bathroom shots

[mythicalcoolkid]

I hate how much of communication is like ":)) hey I know I joke about it and it's really funny but this symptom is actively distressing to me! :)) I don't want to be doing this and I don't like it!! :))) I am aware that I still have this weird memey grin on my face but I really am being serious I don't enjoy being like this! :)) having this conversation while still Like This is killing me and I wish to anything that there wasn't something so wildly wrong with me! :) I hate this!! :))))))"

#m/cc #negative #it's like that Howl's Moving Castle curse where I need to talk about how I am physically incapable of talking seriously about #stressful things but uh #talking about that serious and debilitating issue for me is. y'know. stressful #whole time I have this dumb memey grin and keep throwing out finger guns and peace signs while trying #to explain that I *do not want to be like this* #like trying to explain that you don't always want to be dancing and it's kind of ruining your life but you're dancing while you say it #I have to be funny to make up for my inconvenience + my trauma was useless if I can't make it entertaining + I never learned to #feel understand and process or even identify my emotions + I don't know how to handle the feelings that come with processing the #things that have happened to me and them being a Big Deal That Hurt Me + desperately wanting approval by being entertaining #+ not wanting to be a Downer #so uh. yeah! this has been a really serious and upsetting thing for me since I was maybe 8? and it's REALLY hard to express that I'm being #serious about it... because I also can't take it seriously... :| #it's a horrible curse loop that's so painful to ever try to break through #okay. for the record I've gotten much better at this #it's just worse the past couple days because Slightly Serious Life Event I Can't Process and (currently) late night with ADHD meds worn off #unable to stop making jokes for five seconds meant couldn't do some stuff I really wanted to do even when I tried to stop #I hate it! :)))) it's gonna be fine it just. I hate it!! :))

[tsunadadudi]

Being in love has me looking at nail polish bc I’m genuinely in love with it now

Love is great actually

I’m loving myself alongside him

#Wraps myself in a demi aro flag #and a rainbow flag #We both kinda have no clear definition for what this Is because we're weird and have our own hangups and stuff #But it's nothing we can't handle. Nothing we can't help each other figure out. Because some of it isn't fixing it's just... #We've never gotten the chance to Know ourselves like this #Why the fuck do we need a micro label and a flag that might look fuckin weird as shit #It's queer it's gay im boygirlfriend hes boyfriend and I love him with my entire heart and soul and know it's reciprocated #He makes me want to learn how to butterfly dance and play guitar #I want to read him my favorite stories until we fall asleep #I want to share my pins with him. I share my pins with no one. No one but him. #I write prose and poetry in our private dms I will show no one but him #I have never been this comfortable and at peace with anyone before in my life

[gideonisms]

my fear of roaches is so severe now....yes I CAN grab them with a paper towel and throw them outside without breaking a sweat and yes I AM the bug catcher in most of my living situations but I'm dying inside and if a hot girl WANTED to fall in love with me and catch them for me from now on I would Not say no

#:/ #my heart rate is still coming down. i'm at my aunt's so i don't have my tent so i'm just 🤢🤢😱💀 #everyone else thinks i should squish them but the sound ...no. urhghgghhhh #well and also i have a thing about unsavory awful disgusting forms of life and how you know. we are all that to someone or something and #who am i really to kill things unnecessarily for walking in the wrong place #sometimes you have to like at my apartment it had to be a battle ground bc it was them or me but u know. #off the point off the point #i have to leave this state this country this universe this galaxy. goodbye #i simply cannot be here under these conditions (saw scary bug)!!! and i'm not happy!!! #also having weird feelings abt time with my family that i chose like it wasn't mandatory for me to be here and i did want to hang out #but i'm just feeling distant & off bc i'm so different than them ig? and my beliefs clash so much and it feels bad not to say anything #but i just can't think of anything to say that would be constructive sometimes #so it's like they'll make comments i don't love but that are kind of on the edge where it's like. how do i adress this it's just a joke or #like sometimes it's not but it's something so deeply tied to their whole belief system that like idek where to start bc #i don't really want them to change their religion etc. that's something they want for me and it sucks so i'd never expect that from others #because it sucks! #but yeah when i spend time away from them it's kinda like wow y'all are the people i love and i'm not sure how i feel about that #anyway. hm. getting weird after 2 am perhaps it's time to admit defeat petition whatever deity controls roaches for some peace & go to sleep

[medoviik]

.

#i deep down knew i was gonna have some sort of talk and maybe figure things out with a specific person #this yom kippur #but i did not expect HER #can't say i'm dissapointed at all #i'm glad we talked and we're good now even though we really only have common friends #but it did calm me and it's also a great reminder that 1.people don't have horrible intentions and hate towards you #they just have their own stuff going on like you do #2. sometimes you're an asshole point blank #BUT that doesn't mean that your friends don't love won't love you or that you're undeserving of said love people will make mistakes #this yom kippur overall really made me just be more at peace with my situation #and with my place in people's lives #and that there are people who hurt you a lot who won't ever apologize and you don't have to beg for closure #it just is how it is and life goes on #it hurts but it will slowly fade away and it's better than holding on to dead relationships and resentment #sometimes there is no talk to be had #and that sucks but oh well #but #yeah #a bit late because i wasn't on here but g'mar chatima tovah #****disappointment gd i hate english and this word specifically i always forget which letter to double #taclale

[noxtivagus]

i want to. write

#🌙.rambles #words whether they be written or voiced r just so special to me #they. they're also like this pathway to different worlds. to so much thoughts and emotions and memories #and they connect us as human persons. they relate with our identity and selves #i want to write of different worlds. maybe reflections of my reality #so much things i can't say but there's always some truth in those stories full of secrets #i wonder what they say. what you read from them. and how it differs between us. our brings us closer #aaaa n that's the thing. theres so much in life to feel and think about and dream and take in that #it gets overwhelming. all things in moderation / even good things can lose their meaning #but it's hard when there's so much to life #ways we express ourselves; through words. poems. letters. stories #music. melodies and harmonies. with or without lyrics #voice. tone. pitch. the way words itself are said. and shared #the way we communicate through actions. in silence there is a sense of peace #in touch is a reminder that the world is alive and real #in a desire to communicate better i think i end up overwhelming myself n getting lost n confused #n then words in relation to both reality n fiction. n how's there's so much about them #in ignorance and knowledge. the way perception changes and other aspects of life are influenced by all these n our own individuality #satisfaction is hard when you focus on what is not there instead of being grateful of whaf you have #of course it'll never be enough. but chasing perfection only leads to pain #life and love is proof that there is meaning in it all. #there's sm in my head and in my heart n in the messy notes i have that i. can't say #so much pain and ache and self-hatred. but it's worse to be afraid of living than to die #n so hold on what you can. let that be enough for you. allow that kindness and acceptance #so even if it's lacking. you can keep that kindness. and let it remind you of the meaning in life #it actuallt hurts bcs there's really so much i want to do but there's so little time #but even though it hurts. even w all the pain i'm still alive. n that fact is a promise and a letter for the future #for all the endless possibilities and i'll endeavor to accept at the very least myself #so i can say in the end that i truly lived. #aaa so much i want to say but maybe i'm still afraid. so i'll write it all in my notes

[jewishvitya]

A pro-Palestine Jew on tiktok asked those of us who were raised pro-Israel, what got us to change our minds on Palestine. I made a video to answer (with my voice, not my face), and a few people watched it and found some value in it. I'm putting this here too. I communicate through text better than voice.

So I feel repetitive for saying this at this point, but I grew up in the West Bank settlements. I wrote this post to give an example of the extent to which Palestinians are dehumanized there.

Where I live now, I meet Palestinians in day to day life. Israeli Arab citizens living their lives. In the West Bank, it was nothing like that. Over there, I only saw them through the electric fence, and the hostility between us and Palestinians was tangible.

When you're a child being brought into the situation, you don't experience the context, you don't experience the history, you don't know why they're hostile to you. You just feel "these people hate me, they don't want me to exist." And that bubble was my reality. So when I was taught in school that everything we did was in self defense, that our military is special and uniquely ethical because it's the only defensive military in the world - that made sense to me. It slotted neatly into the reality I knew.

One of the first things to burst the bubble for me was when I spoke to an old Israeli man and he was talking about his trauma from battle. I don't remember what he said, but it hit me wrong. It conflicted with the history as I understood it. So I was a bit desperate to make it make sense again, and I said, "But everything we did was in self defense, right?"

He kinda looked at me, couldn't understand at all why I was upset, and he went, "We destroyed whole villages. Of course we did. It was war, that's what you do."

And that casual "of course" stuck with me. I had to look into it more.

I couldn't look at more accurate history, and not at accounts by Palestinians, I was too primed against these sources to trust them. The community I grew up in had an anti-intellectual element to it where scholars weren't trusted about things like this.

So what really solidified this for me, was seeing Palestinian culture.

Because part of the story that Israel tells us to justify everything, is that Palestinians are not a distinct group of people, they're just Arabs. They belong to the nations around us. They insist on being here because they want to deny us a homeland. The Palestinian identity exists to hurt us. This, because the idea of displacing them and taking over their lands doesn't sound like stealing, if this was never theirs and they're only pretending because they want to deprive us.

But then foods, dances, clothing, embroidery, the Palestinian dialect. These things are history. They don't pop into existence just because you hate Jews and they're trying to move here. How gorgeous is the Palestinian thobe? How stunning is tatreez in general? And when I saw specific patterns belonging to different regions of Palestine?

All of these painted for me a rich shared life of a group of people, and countered the narrative that the Palestininian identity was fabricated to hurt us. It taught me that, whatever we call them, whatever they call themselves, they have a history in this land, they have a right to it, they have a connection to it that we can't override with our own.

I started having conversations with leftist friends. Confronting the fact that the borders of the occupied territories are arbitrary and every Israeli city was taken from them. In one of those conversations, I was encouraged to rethink how I imagine peace.

This also goes back to schooling. Because they drilled into us, we're the ones who want peace, they're the ones who keep fighting, they're just so dedicated to death and killing and they won't leave us alone.

In high school, we had a stadium event with a speaker who was telling us about a person who defected from Hamas, converted to Christianity and became a Shin Bet agent. Pretty sure you can read this in the book "Son of Hamas." A lot of my friends read the book, I didn't read it, I only know what I was told in that lecture. I guess they couldn't risk us missing out on the indoctrination if we chose not to read it.

One of the things they told us was how he thought, we've been fighting with them for so long, Israelis must have a culture around the glorification of violence. And he looked for that in music. He looked for songs about war. And for a while he just couldn't find any, but when he did, he translated it more fully, and he found out the song was about an end to wars. And this, according to the story as I was told it, was one of the things that convinced him. If you know know the current trending Israeli "war anthem," you know this flimsy reasoning doesn't work.

Back then, my friend encouraged me to think more critically about how we as Israelis envision peace, as the absence of resistance. And how self-centered it is. They can be suffering under our occupation, but as long as it doesn't reach us, that's called peace. So of course we want it and they don't.

Unless we're willing to work to change the situation entirely, our calls for peace are just "please stop fighting back against the harm we cause you."

In this video, Shlomo Yitzchak shares how he changed his mind. His story is much more interesting than mine, and he's much more eloquent telling it. He mentions how he was taught to fear Palestinians. An automatic thought, "If I go with you, you'll kill me." I was taught this too. I was taught that, if I'm in a taxi, I should be looking at the driver's name. And if that name is Arab, I should watch the road and the route he's taking, to be prepared in case he wants to take me somewhere to kill me. Just a random person trying to work. For years it stayed a habit, I'd automatically look at the driver's name. Even after knowing that I want to align myself with liberation, justice, and equality. It was a process of unlearning.

On October, not long after the current escalation of violence, I had to take a taxi again. A Jewish driver stopped and told me he'll take me, "so an Arab doesn't get you." Israeli Jews are so comfortable saying things like this to each other. My neighbors discussed a Palestinian employee, with one saying "We should tell him not to come anymore, that we want to hire a Jew." The second answered, "No, he'll say it's discrimination," like it would be so ridiculous of him. And the first just shrugged, "So we don't have to tell him why." They didn't go through with it, but they were so casual about this conversation.

In the Torah, we're told to treat those who are foreign to us well, because we know what it's like to be the foreigner. Fighting back against oppression is the natural human thing to do. We know it because we lived it. And as soon as I looked at things from this angle, it wasn't really a choice of what to support.

#riki babbles #I had this in my drafts for ages and I was like 'not the time' but a friend encouraged me to share so here it is #palestine