#cant tell if i really want no one to see this or if im putting it all here all the time so i can pretend someone is reading it and cares

[mihai-florescu]

From the drafts, thoughts about enst. Lalala

You know what Matrix reminds me of? Beasts. Baby's first introduction to experiencing and opposing racism, respectively transphobia. And yet they are unfortunately needed considering the audience (clunky as they are, i'd be happy if they make people reconsider internalized beliefs they hadn't been aware of). The western fandom likes to think themselves superior but im gonna be honest, while the lessons are very much obvious, i still see racist and transphobic remarks even from people who think themselves above it, without even realizing it. Once you deem yourself unable to commit "the worst things morally" you stop questioning your capacity to internalize and perpetuate harmful beliefs. Because "only bad people think or do that" - it is such an incorrect way to view things, morality, life. "Those are things a bad person does and I am good, therefore I can't do it. Also bad people can't have any good traits." is a sentiment all to common seen in online fandom spaces, a result of black and white thinking, that stuns growth and stops discussions rather than solve anything.

At the same time, the writing itself is not above criticism and conversations could and should be had. Ive seen and had some great talks recently. I just wish people would understand the very basic depiction=/=endorsement before jumping in, or that good and bad parts can coexist, and above all, looking at it as a piece of fiction that functions as such (What is it trying to convey? How is it done? Is it effectiv? How? Why? Who is the audience? Rather than a wall of "Well i personally dont like it. so it's bad". Feelings are valid but it's a bit like white noise i'd like to look past into exploring the uncomfortable. Speaking of, I'd like to eventually post some drafts that could be seen as touching uncomfortable topics but it's still scary, it's easy to get misinterpreted). Anyway, i also think a story can't be judged while incomplete. I have been keeping to priv/ my phone notes mostly because i know i can get careless and catty especially under stress. Im curious to see how it's wrapped up and how things will be evolving going forward...

#and i see another parallel in how the writing started superficial/insensitive/stereotypical and then steered into trying to tell- #a more sensible story the more the characters got flashed out #i think this couldve been avoided with a clear direction from the start but alas. you cant expect that with new stories every 2 weeks #about 50 characters no less #there are many things that would be interesting to discuss i just dont trust people and lack the energy to really engage as i used to #unfortunately im not giving up graduating to focus on enstars but because of a worsening mental state #but well i will not pass on an opportunity to comment as an observer of fandom #putting this under a read more its like on one hand i want to talk about things on the other i really really really dont have the energy #to really talk #treat this more as a journal entry #i dont think im saying anything particularly revelational anyway #ive been trying different types of journaling but this is still my most comfortable to write in #i like having tags i think thats mainly it

[star-mum]

Okay OP nation I have some (maybe controversial) statements about the Straw Hats and I need y’all to listEN FIRST OKAY- HEAR ME OUT

Boyfriend: Zoro and Franky

Husband: Usopp and Sanji

Girlfriend: Nami

Wife: Robin

Luffy: Aroace king

#DO YOU SEE THE VISION ???? #like I am a Certified Zoro Girlie but thats not a husband... he has Boyfriend written all over him #I cant call him husband in my head - ‘oh that’s my Husband Zoro’ - ew no - 'thats my BOYFRIEND Zoro' - yes ! #Franky is just cool and sensitive like that -> the boyfren to defeat all boyfrends -> i'd fall hard and fast -> like embarrassingly so #SANJI OH MY GOD !!! THE FIRST MAN WHO DARED TO MALEWIFE #and of course anime he has a couple red flags but I always put those on ‘annoying anime trope’ rather than accepting thats a part of him (C #(OPLA IS HERE TO PROVE THAT) shit like in canon they kinda set him up as this totally uncool Wannabe Casanova (which he is !!) #but he’s also just effortlessly charming ???? me at 7 y/o watching his intro for the very first time ??? a goner !!! -> me at 20 yo watchin #GOD !! USOPP !! THE MAN ! THE KING ! THE LEGEND -> I have ALWAYS been an Usopp girlie -> cause im always right and i love to win #y’all gonna give a pathetic cowardly little man with huge dreams and an even bigger heart who ALWAYS stands up for whats right #DESPITE BEING SCARED ???? I’m in the chapel baby lets do this 👰🏻 -> also his tiddies are always out ??? DUNGAREES WITH NO SHIRT !! WHATS NO #risking his life fighting an incredibly powerful and scary pirate for an entire village who didn’t treat him fairly and DIDNT BELIEVE HIM #him going to a place he was Not Welcomed and constantly mistreated at only to tell a DYING girl incredibly fun stories and keep her company #cause he saw his mom go through the same thing as a kid ? -> i love him yall 🥺 #NAMI !!! thats Girlfriend with a capital G -> shes pretty greedy and a little bit (very) mean -> i love her sm i want her to rule my life #RO !! BIN !! the crush I have on that woman is honestly embarrassing -> she is THE wife -> do not be mistaken #i dont really see Luffy wanting a romantic relationship but that’s not gonna stop me from reading fanfic about him ; p #i had to edit this and glue some tags together so they'd all fit -> thats why theres so many arrows -> I have Thoughts okay -> let me live #one piece #opla #one piece live action #straw hats

[pinkseas]

girls who have all their lives struggled with worthiness and have spent a solid decade convinced that they were undeserving of love fighting desperately to be good enough to be loved in any capacity by anyone at all, constantly failing constantly being left behind, when someone they dearly care for and genuinely trust just Very Casually tells them that they are easy to love

#diary time sorry this is kinda :// im just like. REELING #'damn shocked you into silence' GENUINELY YEAH 😭😭😭 #like okay. okay. okay. okay. cool. take a belief ive held onto my entire life and flip it on its head with no effort at all. yeah thats fin #it feels SO silly to say im like Shaky bc of this but i have a whole ass complex built around it ive worked thru sm in therapy for years no #but this is one of the only things left that still (consistently) REALLY fucks me up and that i cant get through my head #and not for lack of trying its a work in progress if u will but. god. #genuinely one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me i think this is going to live with me for the rest of my life #or at least for the next decade #u know when someone says smth or tells u smth and u just Never Forget It like its too meaningful for you to let go of? #whether good or bad? #this is obviously Very Good which is strange in of itself but also holy shit. holy shit. holy shit #and idk i try to surface level be. Like This? silly goofy kind etc? but to hear that from someone who knows me PRETTY damn well #and who i have sm respect for and put sm trust in #like okay. okay. okay .okay. okay. okay. yeah. sure. yeah. mmhmm. alright. cool. okay.yeah. alright. #one million explosions #alyalyoxenfree #cant decide if i want him to see this or not #thats always a weird moment of someone saying something genuinely life-changing and then its like oh shit #do i suddenly dump all this baggage on you for the sole purpose of making you understand how meaningful this is to me #or do i do. Not That. and simply carry on forever changed for the better

[acetechne]

gearing up to start drawing again and i’ve been reflecting on why i draw and why it frustrates me when people say they cant draw or could never draw or whatever and, okay, yes i have spent years doing this for reasons which would involve a whole nother post than what i’m actually thinking about at the moment but i digress

i think people get self conscious of their art because they think if they don’t want to put the time in or get to a certain level that art isn’t worth pursuing at all and today i am breaking down your door and i am sitting down on the floor with you and i am telling you listen: the reason to do art is not to post it and it isn’t to be good at it and it isn’t to draw every leaf on every tree. the reason to do art is because you are a magician and you are putting a little guy there that wasn’t there before. and then later you can open your book of little guys and be like :)

“oh but I couldn’t” shh! SHUT! i am TELLING you RIGHT NOW that if you draw the worst little guy possible and you look at that little guy and you laugh and smile, then that literal 60 seconds it took you to draw that is more worth all of the years that i spent learning to draw because i desperately wanted people to notice and appreciate and be friends with me in school (and yes, occasionally it does happen but mostly in my experience that motivation backfires because half the people just want shit for free but wouldn’t give you the time of day and half the people are too intimidated to even talk to you). maybe it’s because i’m old now but who cares about that shit, you draw because it’s good to create something and look at it and smile because it’s yours and it belongs to you and you did that.

#if you go draw a little guy right now i will put a gold star on your forehead #i dont even need to see it #do you like sparkle? draw sparkle. #thinking about this because out of all the art i do on a daily basis that one of my most beloved drawings is literally like #a pierogi with dot eyes and stick legs that i drew in 30 seconds #people want that guy everywhere and when they see it they think it's so charming #and i used to be like why does no one look at the pieces i spend 4 hours on #and now i think of it as like wait a second i have an amazing superpower to draw really fast and make people smile lots #it took a long time to see past my own insecurities but man #i am telling you it doesn't start for you until you just content yourself with the fact that you like to draw your little guy #and im using guy in the most gender neutral possible way #that can be your blorbo that can be your pet that can be your creepy lamb with hands like my sister drew once #anyway i'm done im gonna go draw those little guys you sent me now #hapo text #sorry i cant draw i just realized i didnt actually eat today brb

[coffee-bat]

hi not to vent again but you ever been so overwhelmingly injured that you actually feel like crying

#(tl;dr: ouch oof owie my bones) #sorry for venting here again i dont really have anyone to tell this to i dont wanna be whiney #but hghghghghhh #turns out the possible broken foot was the least of my problems #yknow how sometimes after you get multiple injuries you hyperfocus on one and dont realize the severity of others? yeah #i DEFINATELY sprained my right hip. #hurts when i move my leg. cant put any weight on it or it just buckles. my muscles spasm and my knee buckles down #both my knees hurt. or rather the ends of my femurs. it feels like i crushed the tips of both femurs #my toe(??) still hurts but i cant bother to focus on it anymore #my elbows hurt too. like ends of my upper arm bones #everything fucking hurts i can barely walk i want to cry everytime i move my bones itch like when theyre broken #i see no purpose going to the hospital. theyd just give me xrays and do nothing but keep me for 10 hours in the waiting room #i know they wont help. hell theyll probably laugh at me as usual. its just not worth it #but everytime i move i want to fucking cry. i need to complain a bit ig #sorry ignore this im just ventibg #vent #personal #and its frustrating bc im USED to this. i get injured SO often. i should be dealing with thisbetter. but rn its just too much #i have a developed high pain tolerance but this is just. too much. i cant focus on ignoring one thing bc multiple others hurt

[yuridovewing]

“oh ha ha the theory where ashfur is dovewing and ivypools father is so cringe”

#but…. my melodrama…. #real talk i like the theory but dislike whiteash. im not a believer bc i ship them im a believer bc its interesting to me #i see it as like. ashfur had a bruised ego and whitewing had had a crush on him since she was young #and he basically just. used her to restore his ego. bc hes a creep. he went to her not out of love not even as a second choice #but to go ‘’see? SOMEONE loves me so why cant that bitch love me? shes missing out on me #but he ofc wants squilf as a mate. so hes not official with whitewing he wont let her tell anyone #bc he wants her to come back to him and she cant do that if hes not available #so yeah means to an end situation. and when whitewing gets pregnant ashfur ditches her bc he wants REAL kits with squirrelflight #and whitewing is pretty sick of him but she still doesnt want to say who the dad is bc shes grossed out by him now #bc cant imagine he was exactly nice to her #and birchfall decides to be their adoptive dad bc he and whitewing are besties #and hes also in love w one of the shadowclan cats he traveled with so like lol works for him #and its not bc i want to put whitewing through that or something its bc i think the repercussions would be interesting #lionblaze and jayfeather try to be kind to dovepaw. but they look at her and see their murderer in their sisters place #dove and ivy being abandoned by their dad and only existing out of spite really. how that connects to the prophecy #and when it comes out that ashfur was an attempted murderer and they suspect hes their dad it just gets worse #and then in tbc two of the protags would be ashfurs grandchildren… they exist bc of him #and he uses both of them for his plans. may as well use his bastards for something in his eye #‘’oh but whitewing is cloudtails daughter and hes ashfurs foster brother-‘’ ashfur is already a creep lol #hes closer in age to squilf’s dad than he is to her so would u really put it past him #like the point isnt ‘’awww this ship would be cute’’ its ‘’ashfur is a sleazy asshole lets play with that’’

[haemosexuality]

#for me its video games #its just. such a unique form of storytelling #ur both a character and the audience #whether its a game where your actions completely shape the story or one where ur mostly just watching it unfold. being so involved in it is #so. aaaaaaaaaa #its really cool!! its so fucking good!!!! #i <3 video games #its also the perfect like. fuck whats the word. avenue?? for my favorite type of storytelling which is 'show dont tell' #like. w movies and tv shows u dont need to do a lot of explaining but you do need dialogue and stuff #or w books u can have a book w very little dialogue but they usually need to explain the setting and wgats happening since u cant yk. see i #like obv theres very different types of books and shows but like generally. most of the time. etc #games are the best at the art of putting you somewhere showing you a series od events and not explaining absolutely anything #which i LOVE #see: games like little nightmares and inside #and theyre also like. a combination of all the ways to tell a story. via visuals via audio and via text. games have all 3. this makes no #sense but do u get it???? i cant articulate anything im thinking right #i just wanted an excuse to say i love video games <3

[empyreanmirror]

i hope you know im selectively uploading things to protect you all from lies of p content

#(as in ive only uploaded the first and third one here and the other three are LOP) #not art #why? because i wasnt even the fucking one to play it i watched Asunder playing like. a few fucking scenes because he chewed #through that fucking game like he'd played it a million times (and enjoyed it). and like. i know nothing. of the game #im one of those ''if im making fanart i better know half the games lore minimum or have been playing for years (eg TES)'' #but this game? I know next to nothing about it #im saving you from ''haha interesting character concepts go brr but i have to put it in my style so i know nothing AND am playing #with the characters like dolls'' content. just kidding mostly im stopping myself personally but like #its funny af bc i generally upload everything i do (yeah. i really genuinely did stop drawing for ages bc i havent been awake in this #body more than like five mins a day since spring yaddah yaddah but yeah its not that im just not uploading lmfao) and then i open #my recents and its like. I Do Not See It. its very clear that the only things i havent uploaded(or am avoiding working on BECAUSE #i dont want to upload them) are lies of p LMFAO #.... oh when i say ''if im making fanart'' i mean continuously. i do bits and pieces here and there but can you tell lies of p may become #a theme for a hot minute #god wtf has this game done to me. i really cant stand fairytale-based games nor do i ever really like soulsborne-likes lmfao #i also dont like character design when all the characters are really conventionally pretty or lean towards it #...... i fully expected to never even slightly connect w lies of p lmfao

[kokikwii]

just learned about the term perseveration. Um

#listen i dont want to validate what my mom thinks of me like at all. however. maybe she was onto something with the ocd thing. haha #but it also seems like an autistic trait as well and if the past year and a half of learning my friends thought i knew i was autistic and #managing to befriend more autistic people than not bc no one else seemed to be able to stand me #but this isnt about that really. ive also been seeing a few personal anecdotes from people w ocd that seem to really mirror my experiences #and some thought patterns/general thoughts i cant share w the class bc they probably sound actually delusional and also #affirm im a horrible person and should be put down for the betterment of society #but. i kind of want to call my friend about this. but i dont want to tell him everything. but i feel like he'd be kind about it maybe

[jestlingnest]

vent in tags. sorry.

#i need to get a therapist so i can say this all to them instead of whining to myself in the tags #but i dont have one. so. #im not a suicidal person but seeing how uncaring or hateful or indifferent everyone is #to doing the bare minimum of not playing that hogwarts game #it makes me want to kms. it feels like no one cares at all #and i know that isnt true but you know how the brain works. it only remembers and thinks about the bad stuff #or at least thats what my brain does #i cant even talk about this to my mom because she loves hp #maybe once i tell her about the shofar she'll change her mind #but. yeah!!! the fact that so many people are jumping to defend this stupid game #and make excuses just to play it #or play it because it has those anti semetic things in it #it really hurts #screw jkr screw the devs who put the anti semetic plotline in i hope they fucking die #you CANNOT deny they added more tropes to make it more anti semetic #the fucking shofar. are you KIDDING me! #and people are still planning to play it #i want to throw up #tw suicide #jic #delete later

[evilyurifan]

i hate when you have shit that you cant like relatably vent post about or talk to anyone about. like my family’s day to day life is just fucking Weird enough that i can only tell people about it when i turn it into jokes.

#im going to fucking explode but its just teehee normal life #like. i know that she doesn’t understand what shes doing but it makes me want to scream watching my cognitively disabled sister routinely #assault my parents like the physical assault is baseline she knows what she’s doing there. she’s malicious and she likes to hurt people. but #she sees grabbing someones breasts or trying to grab their crotch as an extension of that and when you try to tell her to fucking stop it #it just makes her mad and she redoubles on the physical assault #like today she’s been really into ‘esk*mo kisses’ so shes just grabbing my moms face and forcing her own face into it #and my mom cant fucking do anything about it because if she gets mad or even expresses any annoyance at this #my sister will quite literally beat the shit out of her #so im just trying to fucking heat up frozen appetizers for dinner while ignoring her coming up behind my mom and groping her. and like #i cant hold it in i get mad it’s literally bursting out of me to tell her to fucking stop it #but I literally live in the stress dream reality in which expressing anything against her whims makes her angry and the consequences of that #are fucking painful. so we just have to keep her happy and fucking acquiesce to this shit #i feel like ive spent 20 years in a fucking dystopia. my mom is now going to have to try to gracefully ask for her permission to watch tv #lest she come down and start hitting her and screaming at us to not watch it #anyway. sorry i just need to put this somewhere cause literally no one outside my nuclear family even knows about this shit #lime.txt

[chiisana-lion]

hm

#dunno what caused this but ive just been getting really scared and stupidly worried lately #sometimes i think about how i could lose someone at any moment and i might not even know #just stuck there waiting for some kind of answer for someone who wont and cant come back #and it really. terrifies me #my friends are everyhing to me and i just want them all to be okay always #and especially my best friend. if anything were to happen to him i really dont know what i'd do #i tell him and everyone else how much i love them all the time every time i can because what if they were to disappear and leave one day #and we didnt really leave off on a good note #not like i think that might happen anytime soon but just. what if #i love my friends. so much. i cant even put into words how much they mean to me and how theyve helped me get through this hell ive been #going through these past couple of years or so #maybe im annoying and talkative and sensitive and stuff. but the fact thwy still somehow like me the same is really #dunno man in elementary & middle school i lived shamelessly and yet im sure that for every friend i had there was like 5 kids who hated me #and towards high school i essentially was constantly on edge making sure i dont cause trouble for anyone because hey why should i bother #when none of them would really see me for me. just that quiet kid who draws in the corner and doesnt particularly fit in #the novelty of having a new kid transfer in lasted for like a month tops that time when everyone realized i was actually boring as hell #not into celebrities dont listen to mainstream music not interested in guy talk etc etc #i did meet a couple kids with similar interests at some point but im sure they were more casual fans and not absolutely obsessed as i am #and i feel like my sudden energy when talking about it and running my mouth w that topic kinda put them off #so i just. keep everything to myself #so really finding people who actually do like me and enjoy my rambles and i can hwar then ramble in return #and play games or talk abt our silly blorbos with is just. damn this is way more than i deserve isnt it #and i really feel like that could all just. fall apart at some point #and thats the last thing i want #but honestly #i dont mind if they grew to hate me. ill still love them nonetheless. just please dont leave me behind i cant go through that again #might delete this later im just kind of. yeah #sorry to anyone who reads this im kind of going through it

[thisisnottherealryannross]

guess who's planning on getting two tattoos based on Howl and Other Poems

#jess mariano #literati #howl #howl and other poems #allen ginsberg #its not really based on its just two quotes #one from howl and the other from william carlos williams introduction of howl #i both so much #and i wish to tell people able them #please ask me about them #also i cant make official plans to get them because im broke but if yall want to venmo me and promise to never look my real name up #on instagram or other #that would be really wonderful #because that way i could pay the artist on venmo and my mom would never have to see the transactions in my bank account #could just lie and say i bought cloths #but she'd want to see them and she'd eventually put two and two together #not because shes smart like that but because she always assumes the worst of me #and she would be right

[hpdgirlfriend]

trying to distance myself from them tbh....... i still want to be friends and close and all but not everything that i do has to be for them.

#thistle tag #diary #especially not when it doesn't get reciprocated. #it's just blatantly unhealthy for me in every way #partly the reason ive been putting off watching things theyre into but obv i cant tell them that. and i didnt realize until just before now #that that;s what the mental block for me around it is. #it sucks because they clearly want me to pay more attention to them and do things for them while im trying to withdraw #and i feel bad. but he made this bed and now he finally has to lie in it #i am doing this wholly for myself and not because of spite. but. lol #some part of me does get sadistic joy from that. i've suffered for so long and now maybe you'll see how you like it. #and maybe you'll finally understand #but probably not. #i don't really see this making them change. if anything they'll start ignoring me out of spite. which is my one hang up #but like i can't keep doing this shit anymore lol #perhaps......... my wellbeing is actually important. and i should take care of myself. instead of prioritizing others #who are way more well off than me btw lol #i have to mention that. i'm not the only one they have. but i'm only close w them. they have plenty of ppl to fall back on they r going to #be fine. #they have a ridiculous amount of friends and i'm going to take the fall from it but whatever #maybe miraculously he'll work on himself in the time i'm trying to heal #sorry this got longer than intended LMFAO #talking about myself too much disease

[ggukkiedae]

another little personal spiel that im adding in the tags, ignore me if you're not interested~

#c.speaks #THIS GUY HOLY SHIT #he makes me feel so delusional i swear to god #he really #GAH #he was putting in so much effort to talk to me one on one #like every time it felt like the conversation would end #he would lean closer to me and say something that would make us talk longer #and he kept up eye contact almost the entire time and the only reason it wasnt the whole time #IS BECAUSE I KEPT LOOKING AWAY #when i said bye to him i could hear him telling his friends about me 😭🥹 #we only see each other like every few weeks #and we're not the really the closest okay? he knew one of my cosest friends longer than he knew me #and i talk more to his best friend who's like a big brother to me #so i didnt think im someone he'd want to hang out with one on one #or tell his friends about #and okay i have liked him for a bit now #and im the one who usually initiates our conversations and they didn't used to last as long as a while ago #but recently he's been the one doing that and holding me in conversation for as long as he could #guys im delusional #i cant believe i actually have feelings for a man #SEND HELP??? #im done im crazy #good night

[be-good-to-bugs]

i dont even work tomorrow but im filled with dread that i wont be able to just sleep in over and over again the whole next week

#the bin #:( to be honest i think id rather still live with my parents than have to deal with this #maybe its just cause i dont have transportation or live alone #i still dont feel like i have freedom of being an adult. maybe bc the person i live with acts like theyre more of an adult and have more #right over where we live. why do i have to have the smaller room anyway? she cant find any good justification that doenst boil down to #'youre younger than me' which is not a good reason. and i dont even care that much but like. ahe decided that she deserves it more than me #because she wants equal control over the common space too bc she spends more time there #i spend almost all my time in my room. in my opinion i think that means i should get the bigger room but she fully decided thats not at all #an option. she doenst even USE one of her closets or her bathroom. the only good reason she should have it is that it has an aircon #and my room doesnt and she overheats easier but like. thats never the reason she uses. idk. #i really truly wish i wasnt forced to move in with her. we had been planning to move in togeteh but i expected her to treat me like a adult #she just refuses to see me as one. its exhausting especially considering im the one keeping us afloat financially #the reason i had to call put sick this past week is because i was burnt out from faxing her mistakes and trying to keep us from getting #kicked out. idk. im tired of this and im tired of her #and i keep telling her she needs to treat me like an adult and an equal now that things have changed and she refuses to even #acknowledge that she doesnt. she treats me exactly the same as before. idk. sorry i complain so much #i really dont wanna go back to work :(