#college hurts my brain

[teenandbeyond]

It's my 2 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Thank you so much for all the love and support! I'm not gone, college work as just been kicking my ass xD I've been working on some stuff though, so by christmas break, I'll hopefully release some things! Love you all! Have a good day/night :)

#2 year tumblrversary #tumblr milestone #teenandbeyond #fanfic writing #i love love love you #like suuuper love #kisses #and hugs #or blowkisses if youre not into affection #college hurts my brain #christmas

[of-mutts-and-men]

I’m not meant to work I’m meant to be part of a werewolf pack and be so very eepy and snuggly with all the other omegas in a big cozy nest all day >:((

#turning my failures into fantasy #im scared im never actually going to ever have a significant amount of income #i make like 20 something bucks a month if im lucky from side hustles #ive worked 2 fast food jobs for a collective 6 days and couldn’t handle it #only hired me in the first place because they said they were desperate for workers #only hurts a little bit #i just wanna move out so im not sensory overloaded 24/7 and my ocpd brain can give it a break with constantly day dreaming about moving out #i finish college this week!!! and have zero experience in anything #don’t go to college kids it’s a waste of time if you’re not doing a trade job #sighh

[a-little-bit-poss]

.

#hit me that wow i survived childhood #i dont think ive ever really given myself credit for that #ive always deflected it #i always had to like present like a plan of the future to my mom so i never really carried the thought of like #not surviving #but like i was always very self destructive and cataclysmic and splitting #and i never really recognized that about myself until i really started dealing with debilitating depression in college #college and dropping out and going back #i never really synthesized that time in life as a singular version of myself #cuz i was going thru a lot of changes in those years #i am having a lil bit of a 'who am i' thing right this moment #idk #anti depressants are good #well im funny and im chill i know that much #i have music and shows that i like #i like taking pictures of my cat and making patches #painting and drawing #my brain has always been faster with ideas than words and that why i used to stutter #that and my mom wanted me to be right handed which idk but i was told that had something to do with it #ill take any opportunity to be smug because i think its funny #i angst about how i miss my family but i objectively do better the less i talk to them #im really glad i dont want to hurt myself these days

[spinaroos-47]

Autism is winning

#i hurt my hand while drawing and writing down notes on college pdfs so im occupying my brain with my timeline doc #fnaf

[asteralien]

not to be like “i miss college” even though i do but mostly i think i miss being smart. before depression and life events had chewed up and partially swallowed my brain. just getting to problem solve and think, being Very Into something as the norm. i know being an english major is basically the easiest thing you can be at the undergrad level but i do feel like that was the one and only time in my life where my natural state was actually a pro instead of a con. i graduated with the highest honors and absolutely no one cared but i cared

#aster chat #family life exploding exactly one (1) month from graduation is still just. it. god. it was almost seven years ago and it still hurts #SO much. i had worked so hard to graduate with the honors i did #i took a 400 level history class in my 2nd semester with one of the hardest humanities profs and i got a B #i basically lived in a break room for a whole semester because my misophonia was so bad with my roommate at night #i stashed pillows and blankets behind a couch and slept there to stay sane enough to write my papers #i got so close to Ending Things three times and DIDN'T #my professors LOVED ME #and then graduation came and it was just. over. #went right back home to sit between my parents as much as i could and get yelled at and watch everything go down the drain #like as soon as i walked out of college i stopped existing except as something for my parents and my job to use up #like. i know it's cringy to still be thinking about college but that was the last time i mattered as myself. you know #people liked me because of my brain! my thoughts! not for what i could do for them or for a paycheck #me qua me #okay lmao Antidepressant Time bye #no offense but my english classes wouldn't have made me feel weird about saying 'boon' instead of 'pro' up there #i changed it to not sound like an assclown but my profs would have thought it was funny.

[silversaucekai]

Shiina Mahiru Milgram is an aroace in denial and in this essay I will

#milgram #what do you MEAN that in college that was her first romantic love???? #That’s not normal!!! Usually you date in high school??? #I relate to her in so many bad ways and I’m aroace like ‘Be careful my love is monstrous’ and ‘I will hurt you if we get into a #relationship’ it JUST MAKES SENSE #she probably doesn’t know the difference between romance and the idea of romance just like I did fr fr #I feel like her attraction towards Es is a defensive response because guess who else trapped her? Her boyfriend- #kai rambles #Mahiru scratches my brain man

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

what if i dropped out of school and became the clown i was born to be

#u know half the time i’m like i was born for academics then half the time i’m like someone take me out back and put me down #bc the education system hurts me i am either loving it or seconds from crying or both perhaps i should leave it and test my luck #elsewhere #maybe i would just go and work at a bakery and bake bread at 4 in the morning maybe that would give me peace (it would not) #maybe i go to clown school and let my mind have a break #but i know i would regret it bc i’m the only child who is expected to succeed and that sounds bad but my mom’s kinda put all her #eggs in one basket and i’m the one that has to go to college and become something or else i’ll be just another disappointment that she #put more time into than i’m worth #but bad decisions run in the family anyway so she wouldn’t be surprised if i became a waste of potential lmao #or maybe i’ll stay in school and try to get medicated or smth i think maybe i would be able to last if they balanced by brain out #idk man i’m kinda having a little bit of a crisis again lmao

[bubbled-clouds]

seeing clips from heartstopper s2 ANNIHILATES me.

#heartstopper #please please please let me find a way to watch it asap #THEYRE SO HAPPY AND CUTE AND JUST THE VIBES #THE VIBES #i enjoy my hurt/comfort but i also absolutely love happy stories #sometimes it does get too !!!!!! for me to the point where i need to take a break #but theyre just so sweet #and it makes my brain happy #nick and charlie are so very cute and akdvjsbdks #i am!!!! #manifesting the fans have my back PLEASE #i need to scream about heartstopper #and la la land #and my scooter!!! #I AM LOVING MY SCOOTER AGAIN!!!! #ITS MY LOVE MY LIFE !!! I LOVE IT SM!!! #i need to give them a name <3 hehe #im planning on using it in college #both to help me be less concerned with how ppl percieve me and also for like functional purposes lmao #bee rambles

[thebutchprinxe]

i have been ! thrown off my rhythm !

#the amount of emotional whiplash i have experienced these past forty eight hours #(and like. the past few months) is honestly astounding lmao my brain hurts #on all levels except physical i am the rainbow loading circle of doom #unsure how i’m feeling or how to proceed so in the meantime i’m gonna gym rat and put it to the side #need to firm up friend plans hopefully another pogo walk w gray soon ! and two of my college friends have reached out to link and catch up #(one of which. heavy queer subtext our freshman year so ! should be interesting lmfao) #my therapist gave me homework to go hang out at a queer coffee shop to meet new people. a terrifying prospect #the thought of being w someone other than my ex still makes me ! violently physically ill ! #but i need to put myself out there and start making some new friends #sam soliloquizes

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ever sit like a corpse in your own body? #im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we #deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to #give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway. #who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in #the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when #projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing #dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will #ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do #something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r #stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even #then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a #broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what? #lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything #done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i #think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with #thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno #whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is #hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse #but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday #unrelated

[soul-spoken]

I vent or breakdown so often, I know I get told it's fine and talk when I need to but geez it feels so excessive, like I'm overly sensitive or just really really easily triggered over things that shouldn't even relate to my trauma

We come to solutions or we distract from it, or we cuddle, but it's just always there.

I can almost always feel the dumb anxiety or depression feelings, I don't want to

I wish my brain understood that

#im tired of only feeling safe when im overly babied and small. i know at this current time point certain traumas are still really fresh #and i need to let myself acknowledge that and relax and maybe be taken care of on a higher level but #i feel so clingy and embarrassed #and i really wish i wasn't still reminded of things from the past. i hate getting anxious over things from high school or college #that doesn't matter anymore #i don't wanna be so vulnerable and scared all the time #but i think i need to #i just want to be held. feel skin to skin. get kissed and called sweet names #i wanna feel his nails through my hair. hear that hushed voice he does when being soft. i wanna be closer #i wanna be safe and told its not scary. its not bad. instead of how we've been going about things.. #cant i just feel secluded and loved? feel protected and small #i wanna be told that my ptsd is a normal reaction and that i dont have to be like i was before. i can take a while to gather myself #to mourn and exist. to just.. be #be however my brain is needing to be in order to relax #i wanna be intimate and romantic and loving and gentle #i feel so guilty over these wants and needs #i wish i didn't have them. i wish i understood that its safe to have them. #i wish i was different #i wish i was me. but me before #when i was stable and felt nice and independent but i still had little moments of softness and needing help. i miss my early early twenties #but. i also miss the feeling of being held tight by him and told nothing could hurt me anymore. that he was gonna keep the bad away #like middle school. keeping the mean kids away #i love him. i want to feel loved #i am loved. i don't doubt that. but i wish i could capture every soft second and live in it forever #and i feel so guilty #trav.txt

[stayatsam]

sandwich recommendation:

eggs, ham, tomato, fresh mozzarella, jalapeños and spicy mayo on ciabatta bread

#my favorite meal in college #i cant eat ham anymore bc it hurts my stomach but for some reason the jalapenos in the mix really do something to your brain in the moment

[necromancy-savant]

The thing about long-form essays on exams that you have to come up with on the spot is that you don’t actually have to come up with them on the spot! If you have something very wrong with you, you can write an 8-page single-spaced essay at home ahead of time and then memorize the whole thing and just vomit up information on the exam and have to cut like a third of it for time

#I did this in history in college #English just winged it #my history professor suggested to us we write some stuff down ahead of time #so I wrote a five page essay and went to office hours and he was like this is great! l #and I said ok I have to reproduce this word for word on the exam is what you’re saying #and then I literally did so I obviously couldn’t stop after such a strong debut #and he literally asked me how are you studying for these exams #and I said I write the essay at home then memorize it #it hurt the first time and left my brain scrambled but after that it was fine and it’s easy now

[lvllns]

1600 words of a 3500 word essay done and i want to eat drywall only a little bit

#reed.txt #reed does college #is it good? who can say but it sure is something #is it due tomorrow? yes let me live i was worried about latin #it's interesting at least to be fair #poking around the song of roland as an accessible piece of first crusade propaganda bc it's written in #a vernacular language rather than latin meaning more people could understand it #it's due at noon tomorrow so like i will be waking up early to finish it up that's just what's gonna be happening here #i'm TIRED my brain HURTS i had a two hour latin exam to day PLEASE

[pugwitharug]

You know, I should've expected to be writing a bunch of stuff for my finals since I'm. You know. An English major. But every semester it always surprises me

#my brain fuckin HURTS #i go to sit down on front of my computer and i immediately run out of energy #i was like 'oh im feeling so creative im gonna work on my writing portfolio' #no you're not. you are. but you're not #anyone got any tips to actually get shit done for writing papers and stuff? cuz i could certainly use it rn #puggo rambles #college crazies

[humanbeanisnotamused]

He splashes whiskey over the split skin on her knuckles, and the "I know, sorry," tumbles out of his lips almost before she hisses at the burn.

He looks up at Laerryn Coramar's face, and--gosh, she's pretty; it's not the first time he's noticed but it's still true, lips pressed together and liquid gold eyes--and very much despite herself, he assumes, there are tears brimming in her eyes.

She turns away when she notices him looking, sniffles and wipes the hand he's not holding roughly over her face. "Don't you have magic for this kind of thing?" she says, mock-haughty, and he lets her distract him.

"Not today, I'm afraid." He hands her the flask--she knocks back a long swig entirely gracelessly and is all the cooler for it--and with the same hand fishes out his roll of bandages and winds it around and around her hand. He doesn't have to look up to know she's watching him, so he saves it until he's tied off the bandage and torn it with his teeth. Then, deliberately, he meets her eyes and brings the injured hand to his lips.

"There you go," he says. "All better."

#idk man i just remembered cleaning a cut with vodka in college and that shit Hurted #i thought about them being younger or at least quay being younger and them Being Adventurers together #and the starting image was the hiss at the burn of whiskey and the eyes involuntarily watering #and now here we are #directly from my brain to your eyes #not so much as a proofread #laerryn coramar seelie #loquatius seelie #this bitch is a healer #critical role #exu calamity #exu fucking party time #i assume this is obvious based on the emotional context of the scene but quay is kneeling #she's sat on something and he's kneeling before her to patch her up