#despite others judgements

[mintmatcha]

i saw that

I'm sorry tumblr user demilypyro for my strong opinions on the most popular girls name from 1996 to 2007 :( it WILL happen again #banthenameemily2024

#ok despite better judgement im going to be genuine the tags lol... when i was in middle school where was five. FIVE. Emily A's #so i couldnt even go by Emily A. I was Emily A 3. and i always felt like the outlier. the emily that was wrong. #it felt like a club i shouldnt have been a part of. none of the nicknames fit. no one would call me anything else. #i know. 2 or 3 trans women who go by emily now and im like #how do you find peace and comfort in an identity i never did #its strange that emily has always felt like a costume im wearing incorrectly and its the truth for other people #i think. for lack of a better terms #i have always been jealous of the fact people can change their names and have it stick. jealous of people how find happiness in womanhood. #anyway #you named yourself emily???? #l + cringe +lmaooooo #I will be running for president under these terms

[jahiera]

pondering on a meta diving into Gale's abstract brand of selflessness (willingness to go away to a corner of the world to die so that none of the faceless masses will be harmed by his mistake) vs his personal selfishness (willingness to stick by tav despite being repulsed by tiefling camp murder + general vocal approval or interest in accumulating more power) and Gale's status as someone who is good aligned but generally ineffectual at enforcing actual good (the way that wyll or karlach will actually leave the party) which is fascinating for a fairly good-aligned person. just love when the Good Guy is actually kind of fucking weird. edit: tumblr cut off my tags Okay. and how all of this ties back in an interesting way to his relationship and power imbalance with mystra. he was wronged, deeply, but he also desires still that ... status / closeness to divinity in some way, by her influence. Gale thinks that he would be a better god simply by virtue of his mortality but he cannot escape the appeal of holding himself apart from others and being more than, greater than, something closer to godliness and thus inherently removed from mortal values and standards of right and wrong, which the gods themselves don't adhere to in the same way.

#it's just one of those things that's really compelling about his character to me in terms of ... #Gale hesitates with the shadow lantern not really because he's put off by the magic #in fact if a sorcerer Tav condemns dark magic he rebukes it and argues that all magic is inherently neutral; some simply more #frowned upon than others #He appreciates good acts. he'll say We Should Do The Good Act. but he's not going to really fight FOR doing the right thing the way #others might; and when you get beyond the act itself he can very quickly rationalize #necessity. or mistake. or the value of power + strength behind it. #the dichotomy between his fearful willingness to die at Mystra's behest while not really tamping down his interest in power and survival #that peers out and I think (?) feels almost obfuscated behind his eloquence and his manners and charm and general clockability as a #guy who approves of good things. #and there are things he says & does that are further beyond the expectations of what you might expect from someone who is 'good' #the initial interest in a deal with Raphael; the approval of taking tadpoles despite the uncertainty and possible cost; the acknowledgment #that powerful forms (slayer form or ascending astarion) will be useful onward #His Fucking Speech to Tav after the grove slaughter where he's outraged and disgusted but can be swayed to stay #he's so... sunk cost fallacy too I think. at some point the ends must surely justify the means right #and his God of Ambition thing is sooo compelling because it really drives to the max the part of gale's personality that is always there #but obfuscated by his immediate insistence that he's a moral person right. you know him to be of sound judgement. trust him. #He likes seeing good happen and he's happy to go along with doing good things and he'll #state his opinion when he thinks something EVIL is happening. but he's not necessarily #going out of his way here either if tav isn't -- and to be fair game mechanics technically mean #no one is - but we can read from Wyll/Karlach removing themselves from the situation #(need to double check but can't Wyll also leave a slayer dark urge?) #that they CAN go out of their way #Wizard Apathy Baby! you feel benevolent toward others but you crave what is beyond humanity and #deeply rooted in the arcane; which you see as beyond too basic concepts of 'good' vs 'bad' magic; neutrality that sways with intent #you trust good actions but you didn't ACTUALLY use your power at the time For Others either; you probably could have but #you craved MORE. something BETTER. #and there's a lot there in how that interacts with his relationship to mystra too #his desire to achieve something closer to godliness and both thinking that he can do better because he's mortal but at the same time #has proven that he can separate himself or his technical moralities from a situation if it means exploration of power/knowledge Beyond

[moe-broey]

Something something about how Moe is both and neither due to its failure to perform or achieve "either" set of gendered expectations, regardless of its own personal feelings of gender identity (which is complex in and of itself), which results in it ultimately fitting in nowhere.

#moe tag #like moe's identity is exclusively masculine but its 'doing it wrong' on purpose. fag style. #and in this performance it still doesn't quite fit with the men. it's ultimately something else. #and ofc there is the failure to adhere to cis feminity/expectations. it's doing it wrong bc it was never capable of doing that correctly #even if it 'seemed' like it was. it wasn't. #i think this is why moe has become such a fascinating way for me to express and explore my own gender identity #where there are significant differences. moe is literally just more well-written LMFAOOOO #like what do you mean you're a feminine trans man. that you're exclusively a man when you look Like That. #moe just cuts to the chase by being genderqueer and therefore 'other' by default. #and the way that it is does very much feel like the way i experience my gender despite my own view of myself #even though i'm a man. i'll never be 'a man' in the same way the average joe is. hell i bet there are other transmen #who 'achieve' manhood in a way i cannot. which isn't really a judgement or an insecurity for me like more power to them #it's just me expressing objectively that no matter how easy it is for me to view myself the way i do #i'm always going to be subjected to the perception of others. some will get it. some won't. #and that's sort of what i mean about being 'othered' despite my own view of myself/ #despite moe's own view of itself. again it's just so much more easy and concise to explain w moe bc its identity #exists outside of the binary. while a huge core of mine is that it DOES exist in the binary. i'm just a faggot about it LMFAO

[daincrediblegg]

I want Alex to do many things to me but I also want to make him whimper and beg

and my friend, he would BEG you to make him do things to you. He's a good obedient boy in the sack and no one can change my mind

#and you see this is why I love him #he's so complex like he acts like a dick like the things people say to him don't affect him at all like he acts like he's hot shit #but push comes to shove deep down I KNOW he would buckle under a woman who sees through all that #behind closed doors he's completely at YOUR service not the other way around #sadist in the streets masochist in the sheets you know? #god I love him for that #alex law #shallow grave #ewan mcgregor #oh no I may try to plug out an alphabet for him despite my better judgement #x reader

[faebriel]

calling out sick bc i thought about niki finding the tnt underneath the podium on nov 16 and quietly replacing the dirt that covered it again

#'its 2023' shhh. shh now #i just. clenches fist. it's about trust rainduo is about trust trusting each other even when it feels like everything is going wrong #and then repeatedly proving to each other why they don't deserve that trust. why they haven't earned it #niki thinks wilbur left her there essentially to die and she saw him encourage tommy and techno's punch up and those messy final minutes of #pogtopia but she left the tnt there anyway. and she didn't say a word because despite it all she trusted him not to pull the trigger #because she trusts him and he's her friend and she loves him and that was the easy way out. because trusting wilbur was so easy #and wilbur just constantly trusts that niki has her shit together when she doesn't. she'll be fine in manburg! she's /niki/ #he dies and comes back and he cant bring himself to face her because he thinks she's so much better than he is #he trusts her word her judgement her character so highly #but she burned out. she did shitty things. she really hurt people and people he cares about no less #he blows up l'manberg but she'll be fine. he puts her on a pedestal that she hasn't earned #(holds head in hands) AOUGHHHH

[cacaitos]

i think it's rad that juli screams and wallows so much for a god that didn't answer him at any moment except by his own impression both for his own supposed condemnation AND forgiveness.

and that not only so pressed by the made up imprsssion of the guy he made in his head he also, as his most significant and material show of love he devoted himself to the person he will never and can't ever meet again. like yeah in theory they will in heaven but in practice is living for the dead, the ever moving goal of the immutable, platonic divine.

isn't he a romantic.

#txt #and btw w paragraph 1 this ain't abt to say the the TnS god doesn't exist but that the judgement #that juli puts on himself is his own perception of his assault over god's in-story #non-presence. or non-answer at least. it's a self centered assertion tho not selfish itself #and in consequence from this first conception of his assault; that he's cursed and corrupted #bc of it is that the rest of his (in retrospect) destructive actions (that his guilt makes as if he's #irreparable and that as such he shouldtake it to the last measures that materially confirm it and thus gets #like. divinely punished for it+ that he feels he also killed thomas) unnecessary from the beginning #now that itself is not the funny part bc me saying that would be betraying one of my favorite manga works #and is in fact that it's not that he's 'forgiven' bc nobody nor god or the rest of the #friends he has said he's 'sullen' from the beginning. but that it's the realization of that fact #is what is meaningful that he realizes himself. not only by himself but by accepting others #in his heart etc. #now what's slightly more. how to say. on a doylist way more humorous is that juli has such a bizzare #personality in the first place. that others' and god's discursive voice first has to #go through HIS language and his perception of things for him to actually absorb it imo #again his (in perspective) acceptance of others' judgment that he's not sullen first kinda #have to go through God Also Says So despite the events not having any particular idk #quality from other events. not as in that the story had to be like supernatural or smth lol #but that either by effect of an author's blind spots or intentionally what's god's action and what isn't #is a bit biased lol #and then that even through the god later it's ultimately him and his estrange personality that will have a say #so IN MY OPINION and obviously not as predominantly as im implying others' voices #end up functioning as a sort of externalized Internal Dialogue. #am i making sense. #that his very real and material love for thomas he expresses through his love of god (or 'his' god) and heaven etc.

[tremerechantry]

The thing about me and psychological treatment is that I don't need help. Not really. I can white-knuckle my way through anything or I can die early and these are both acceptable to me--I don't want to go to a therapist or get medicated to actually fix the problem at hand, because I can basically function through it, albeit not at my preferred capacity. If I want medication it's because I want my productivity increased. That is to say I want the kind of medication no self-respecting psychiatrist would actually give me.

What I want out of treatment is an excuse. Nine times out of ten I just want to be treated a little nicely, okay? I want to be able to tell people, look, I'm having trouble making friends because THIS. I sound stupid because THIS. I'm not increasing my deliverables because THIS. I'm ultimately behind because of THIS. And I want to be able to tell myself that. More than anything I want to go to a therapist and say "use your dubious powers of psychology to give me an excuse so I can stop sitting around getting mad at a literal child [me in elementary school]". But they won't do that! You can't just go to a therapist and say "I need a diagnosis for my ego's sake. I don't actually want you to help me, nor do I think you can. Just give me a nice label to put on myself so I'm able to justify my failures to others." They get all high and mighty about how you need to fix the mindset that causes this! But I don't need to fix it! I just need a diagnosis so I can respect myself!

#And the stupid thing is that this stems from an inordinate fear of judgement that my analyst successfully identified! #BUT I COULD IDENTIFY THIS TOO. WITH EASE. #I KNOW I'M BAD. I CAN EVEN LABEL MY BEHAVIOR WITH APPROPRIATE DIAGNOSES IF NEEDED #WHAT I NEED IS THE DUBIOUS VENEER OF AUTHORITY FROM YOU TO VERIFY THAT YES #IM ALLOWED TO LIKE MYSELF DESPITE MY SHORTCOMINGS #BECAUSE I HAVE AN EXCUUUUUUUSE. A JUSTIFICATION #it's the difference between 'disgusting weirdo who never made friends in school and is stupid and annoying in class' and 'autistic girl' #you know? #One of those I can accept in myself and the other one is basically my own failure

[undyinglantern]

Can body hair positive stop focusing on armpit hair and start focusing on arm/leg hair instead. Especially with how “taboo” it is wrt “feminine” clothing styles

#armpit hair is literally the least of my worries because that’s the place least likely to be seen #It’s taken a couple years but I’ve finally gotten to a point of not caring how hairy my arms are #but I literally have not worn anything other than pants/leggings/sweats since I stopped shaving my legs #there is so much cute clothes in the world but I have extremely dark extremely thick hair and yet still refuse to shave #despite fear of judgement #personal

[eternal-reverie]

Made the Elephant True Bluefin Sauté today!

#click clack #unfortunately we couldn’t get through more episodes today but hopefully tomorrow #ok maybe I do like cooking #and what motivates me is actually gathering all the ingredients #and it all got devoured despite it being a bit too salty. idk my hand slipped in too much of it ??? #I’m so judgemental of myself that I get scared of making something others have to partake of #getting over it slowly but surely #ty the artist’s way book for helping #and that tumblr user with recipe posted. u rule

[bugdogg]

if i ever seem brave for some of the stuff i admit on here, just know its cause idk how to keep shit to myself. i cower at the thought of judgement and then proceed to expose my whole ass to tumblr anyway, because i dont have a working filter

#tags are filled with worried rambling again #i hear a laugh track play whenever my anxiety flares up #im scared of what other people think of me which in itself is funny #ik others opinions of me arent an indicator of me being a bad person #other people arent gonna kno my whole personality from the stuff i draw #i fear judgement despite experiencing nothing but positive feedback on this site because i keep reading into the small things as negative #i know all this and still wither away in my shell knowing all this im saying is what id tell others if they were suffering with it #i walk in this circle and do it thousand times til i pass out from the exhaustion and later wonder y i was worried in the first place #i want to be able to say “who cares they dont know you” but ive been raised by people who spent almost every conversation- #with me basically saying they know me very well and know whats wrong with me and ive been raised believing everyone knows more than me #i worry of being so serious and actually genuine like this but this is how i like to be sometimes #stupidly thinking too much into things and laughing at myself for it and wondering why i would put myself down on something id encourage- #others to do #i worry about losing people because they wont like all of me but they wont know that unless they see the whole picture #i find myself disgusting w/ my thoughts and the things i wanna create but i dont think that of others and its strange #weird ass moment here..... #i had a really good day today got a job and finished my first tattoo #im happy right now despite the shit i just spewed #im figuring myself out for the first time in maybe years #i just wish all the hateful shit i absorbed over those years fades away soon #and i hope i stop caring so bad lol #anywayyyyy have a wonderful rest of your weekkk <3 if u read this

[the-official-account]

Decided to do with my anxiety what I did with my body dysmorphia ages ago which is to beat it with the affirmation stick until it eventually becomes a central part of my belief system. This round is "I am strange and I am loved. I may be misunderstood and that does not make me alone. I am surrounded by people who accept me"

#theres reasoning for this #like 'i am cringe but i am free' despite being incredibly memeable doesnt work for me #first of all saying it outloud can sound self depricating. and accidentally sounding self depricating #(something i rarely actually do) #makes me want to shrivel up into freeze fried weasel and hibernate for seveal hears #also the presence of the word 'but' presents these things as contradicory ideas. and i need them to go hand in hand #hense this sey of affirmations #the rule of three is good and memorable #the first statement says something about myself. something it is good and realistic for me to believe is inherent about myself #the second accounts for situations when that first one may feel threatened such as when i am misunderstood #using an AND here for those ideas that are NOT conteadictory is reslly important cor the syntax of my brain #being misunderstood does not say anything about me. it is a nuetral statement and i reminder of important truths #and these truths are easy to affirm if i get REAL spooked by touching base with a friend! #and lastly is something i want to believe about the world #.....i am a strange sort of person. i exist outside of a lot of cultural norms in a way i cant change if i wanted to. i dont want to #but having a hard heart or expecting harm and judgement from other people isnt good for me #and doesnt lend to good conversation #i want to enter spaces with the expectation that i will be accepted because i deserve to be accepted. that is the norm. #i want to believe that is normal. therefore i am making a statement about other people #both friends and strangers #they WILL accept me. and it will be easier for them to do so if i dont come in afraid of harm and instead open to conversation #anyways thats my logic! i wanted to externalize it and dont mind doing so publicly #i hope this may have helped someone <3 #lush chats #anyways memorize and repeat these all the damn time. thats what i do. good mantras for grounding yourself. #i especially like to do affirmations when i look in the mirror. Spell of anti dissociation

[toytulini]

honestly sounds like an unwise choice of dog(young high energy likely due to breed temperament and lineage to to have a higher reactivity and distrust of strangers?) have in that environment and im glad hes apparently living with family friends now, hope that helps w the behavioral issues

#toy txt post #im shocked hes gotten 11 bites in tbh thats insane? if nothing else. it sounds like that environment was not great for him stresswise if hes #biting that often #i dont buy into that dogs always have good character judgement thing but i do think there is probably some overlap with #commanders vibe checking and the general temperament of your average secret service agent being a disasterous combo of #commander not digging their vibe and the energy they bring to interactions with him. ESPECIALLY now that he has such an extensive history of #bad interactions w agents that like. for sure affects how they approach interacting w him #and like. probably some overlap w the agents hes biting and the agents who might have some unhinged politics of their own #that doesnt mean hes Aware or that his general Judge Of Character should be taken at face value #hes just a breed that is gonna be be pretty distrustful of strangers who is constantly having strangers in his space #that are probably asserting themselves in his space and close to his ppl in ways he doesnt like but that is basically part of their job #which he doesnt understand that. all he sees is Some Random Guy with annoying vibes thats probably giving him sideeye and #exuding vibes of 'god i hope this stupid fucking dog that bites secret service agents doesnt bite me' and the dog that bites secret service #agents is like hey bro whats with the attitude. why are you so close to my ppl. why are you tensing up when im near you? are you gonna #go after me bro? not if i get you first. and the cycle continues. fuckin oof #11 times is insane but honestly. honestly. if i had a bunch of assholes following me around with a tense aggro energy and shit #i feel like moxie might start biting. shes not bitten anyone yet so far despite her high level of distrust towards strangers but like. #i think if their was someone with fuckin. Cop Vibes getting all up in the space of her people she might give it a go. idk #maybe not. shes mostly more confrontational towards other animals than to ppl. w ppl she cowers and trembles. but idk sometimes when we're #trying to convince her she doesnt need to have an anxiety attack about every new person she'll sometimes like sit on one of us and then get #a little growly when someone comes close not just cos shes scared but also cos shes being protective. but also its funny bc she is also like #trying to hide between our legs like a baby penguin. she is simultaneously trying to Protecc and Be Proteccted

[archersartcorner]

Thinkin bout my TES MC trio, so here’s some doodles of my Nerevarine fella. Pretty sure I’ve said it before, but if ur Nerevarine, HoK, and LDB don’t hang out at least once, what’s da point‼️

#(and I mean that lightheartedly :-) no actual judgement or anything lol we all have our own stories! I just love doin this) #my art #described #oc: sven #morrowind #tes 3 morrowind #the elder scrolls #nerevarine #nerevarine oc #Sven and Po are simultaneously close and. not at all when they meet back up again HWVDHSH #they both essentially take joint custody of the little dragonborn and they can’t stand each others parenting techniques AHDHDKSBSK #altho po concedes more often than not. ‘look. kiddo. I am a mad god. I am THE mad god. maybe listen to your other dad rather than me’ #‘oh okay :) wait other da’ ‘LALLALALALAL DONT LISTEN TO MEEEEE I SAID NOTHING’ #po forgot a LOT about his life when he mantled sheo including Sven. and Sven feels a… Way about that. but despite those feelings they still- #-care quite a lot for each other. even tho po doesn’t exactly remember Sven he remembers… the feelings to an extent. he remembers there was- #-someone there. he just didn’t know who. #anyway. hey at my 200+ followers thanks for sticking with me while my interests have been everywhere LMAO I LOVE YALL

[hanzajesthanza]

i watched the pilot of brba the other night and it occured to me then that there is a specific kind of guy that i become obsessed with turning over and over in my head like observing a coin shine in the sunlight:

a tragic adult male figure that ends up hurting those closest to him (and/or) everyone around him, because of his own crumbling to society's expectations and pressures of him as a man, leader, patriarch, or simply as a person, and a slow succumbing to self-loathing, insanity, addiction, curse, evil, or just long-suffering... and the tragic consequences of his instability and harmful behaviors affect his family first, perhaps the ones he loves most, or the only ones which love him, before it finally gets around back to him and he begins to suffer tenfold. sometimes they are dads (biological, or adoptive), or they are something like an unofficial guardian to a child, or they *would* have had a child had it not been for their behavior. sometimes there's a redemption arc or redeemable qualities, and sometimes there's just a slow demise.

#THISSS is what my mind revolves around. this is what i think everyone else should be obsessed with and no one seems to be #from top to bottom beginning with the good guys: emiel regis | geralt of rivia | simon petrikov (ice king) #for 'decent': odysseus | agamemnon | nandor (i put them in 'decent' by their ancient standards. obviously the war + pillaging isn't great) #nandor i gotta be real with you was a last-minute addition to this because wwdits is a comedy but i realized he fits this formula #despite the 'stay dead' mention. i forgot about wwdits #and i also forgot that he fathered a bunch of children soooo i edited it to put him in the father area #the 'awesome / decent / stay dead' ranking is by my own personal judgement of them btw and how much i like them #im sorry to put simon so (relatively) low but who didn't hate the ice king in the first few seasons of AT... #i actually really like odysseus... he's my academic poor little meow meow... but... problematic fave #agamemnon and nandor i like but they are just stupid #and below that i just have hate and contempt in my heart for them. like i hope they die and suffer greatly #i would have put emhyr but the thing is that emhyr was evil (power-hungry and selfish) since the beginning and he didn't really become #corrupted or anything he just continued being a horrible person. like just read a question of price basically lol #i dont need to explain geralt or regis. or do i. maybe i should. idk #basically for geralt i just think about sword of destiny and something more and how he left ciri in brokilon and condemned the both of them #and also how he wouldnt take the child when he went to see calanthe in something more like just real dumbass tragic hero behavior #regis. he's not a tragic hero but he destroyed his life catastrophically. he suffered a lot and made it everybody else's problem #so if you have any recs on other characters that are like this maybe i will become obsessed with them idk. #i think they have to be at least somewhat likable. learn from their past actions and try to make things better. even if they dont succeed #actually if they dont succeed thats even better (see: geralt) #but if they just suck for real then i just don't even want to watch or read more like damn get some help or k*ll yourself #i should honestly make my OC's dad like this. he already 90% is. honestly. #i like it when they are good on the inside :> and try to turn things around and save ppl they love but they meet a tragic end anyways :') #except odysseus i think he should get to live happily ever after on ithaca i'm honestly kind of glad we lost the telegony #men who are thiiiiis close to commiting s*icide from the extreme pressure society places upon them #but instead they chicken out and instead stab their wife or child. OR BOTH #txt #cw domestic violence

[phrynewrites]

OH FUCK YES P&P JASCO LET'S GOOOOOO

Honestly it's been rolling around in my mind for a while because I *am* an English Teacher (tm) and I simply want to give myself and those around me the story we need and deserve because Jane Austen really went as absolutely hard as she possibly could have with this novel and I feel like it's got to be honored in every way possible.

Also I want to put Bosco in this shirt:

#Jasmine being done with their massive ego (despite having a bit of an ego of her own)? #Bosco calling out how undiscerning Jasmine is in her hatred and her poor judgement of others? #Jasmine showing up like covered in mud just to see her sister when she's sick #also I can see camden being Jane and angie being bingley ofc ofc #and of course the initial proposal scene in which Bosco fully fucks it up?? #the stilted looking dancing???? #Also Jasmine acknowledging her stubbornness as it relates to love and relationships like she is simply not giving in (until she does)? #this is so important to me lets chat babes let's get into it I'm thinking about the initial dance #for anon #asks answered #jasco pride and prejudice au

[coccolithophore]

the other night i got into a (not very serious in retrospect) fight with my mom where i was definitely in the wrong lol and after we made up i was like “i feel like recently ive been lashing out at people because my mood is all over the place and i dont want to hurt anyone” and she was like “well yes you’ll hurt people unintentionally over the course of your relationships just like everyone you love has or will accidentally hurt you at some point, sometimes real love is being able to work through those things and stay in each others lives regardless” and MAN idk she’s a person who i love immensely but who has also hurt me a lot over the years and it was really impactful to hear that from her specifically lsdkjf

#like...... ur right #even through everything i am still close to you and love you despite you hurting me at times #and like... as long as i dont do anything fucking evil the other people in my life arent gonna leave me just for being unreasonable #every so often #or during certain times in our lives #(also this is a specific situation and obviously doesnt apply to like. abuse) #(not a universal judgement on anyone elses relationships lol drop who you need to etc etc) #kiwi.txt