#didn't have the energy left to make the hand gross lol

[dappercapricorn]

More stuff in relation to my disaster paladin Venali. In the first ever session he had a really high investigation roll in a basement and found a zombie hand in a jar. Despite his usual feelings about fiends and similar things, he gave it a chance and befriended the hand, who's named Handrew. He recently made him a name bracelet and even bought a coffin themed bed (er, it's a pet bed, but still) for them. uwu Then there's...Birdrew. He took up the ritual caster feat and chose it to be wizard theme (cuz I wanted a familiar lol). His first summon was a rat named Ratthew, who got squished doing recon in a different house. Second time chose bird and got a pigeon and he's stayed such for now. He's uh...mobster-esque. Roleplay wise, my dm and I agreed that since this is new to Venali, he had no choice in how exactly the familiar will turn out. I rolled for the type and it uh...was the fiend type which led to a series of events that had him signing a contract with Asmodeus. :x

#ezzy attempts art #digital art #ocs #dnd #familiar #pigeon #zombie hand #didn't have the energy left to make the hand gross lol

[xb0rder-7inex]

It literally disgusts me to think of crying over him after all that happened so sitting with the anxiety is my only option and sometimes unbearable. I worry I will fall back into that weakness but I will try my hardest not to let myself. I hate being borderline because I never know if feeling fine is a true recovery or just the cycle.

I'm not thinking about kms anymore and that's a huge improvement because I was suic*dal for six weeks. And I attempted and it failed and I felt the same way for two days afterwards for not being successful and then I just didn't feel that way anymore. I started looking at my life as something to grow into, and putting less focus on what I'm losing. I'm honestly feeling kind of weird about adding him back again after this. I might do it and just not react to him at all and see what he does. I feel like it's just going to be a lot of blocking right now and that he has no intentions of trying to see me. It is a lot of emotional abuse just like the last time.

I think if he ever wants me to love him again he's going to have to try harder. My circumstances are so different this time. I'm doing it all alone and literally have nothing left to lose lmao. Which kind of gives me an upper hand emotionally.

I'm scared but I get to build something that's mine. I really don't think I'll be blocked long but knowing I have bigger things to focus on and a routine to keep me occupied makes it okay anyway.

I'm just going to post here every time I have a feeling instead of wasting my energy splitting on him because it's not worth the reactive abuse.

I like that I'm doing it alone because I'm not being influenced by anything anybody is telling me. It's filtered directly into what he's showing me and I have no idea why he's having a tantrum and trying to be really emotionally controlling but I imagine it's because he's frustrated even though he's literally the one who put us in this position lol.

I'm going to keep documenting because court is months away and it isn't over until it's over lol. I'm not putting labels on him at all this time because I don't need to scare myself like that. He just has very toxic and abusive traits that he doesn't seem to be willing to change. And that's a yikes for me. Because how much fucking character development have I done in the last six months. Very steady therapy every single week, and I started a mood stabilizer this year. The fact that I'm not even reacting to him blocking me is a huge win.

I truly am just shocked that after everything he didn't change one single little bit at all. Truly taken aback. To know I lost everything and tried to kill myself and to not care is really gross.

I'm not even trauma bonded anymore I don't think. All I feel is anxiety and I think that's normal. I'm not even sad lol. I'm a little bit angry but not enough to split on him. Disappointed but not surprised? Yep.

The peace feels strange after a year and a half of chaos. It's the mood stabilizer for sure. If it's working for me like this to keep my emotions actually level for once then this drug is going to change my life because I can separate my real feelings from my borderline feelings 😭

If I can remain unreactive to him then I will have become the woman I've always wanted to fucking be. I've never ever been a woman who didn't react. I'd love to be that woman.

I'm still not overly optimistic three days after my attempt, my life is still pretty bland and boring, but for the first time maybe ever I feel like my emotions are moving in a straight line and that really excites me because I can trust a feeling that lasts.

There is a downside to that in that it manifested itself in darkness first because I had never felt so heavily depressed and that stable at the same time. So I knew I WAS ready to kms because that feeling didn't waver for six weeks. It's been two full days that I've felt neutral about this decision and I feel like I can probably trust this feeling too.

That day was obviously ridiculously traumatizing but it changed something in me. I am having some pretty intense PTSD flashbacks which are extremely uncomfortable so I try to repress it and Ive always been pretty good at deleting memories so it's working lol. I only remember it when I have flashbacks now which I know will subside eventually. I'm not ready to talk about it and I don't know that I ever will be I think that's something I probably want to keep to myself because it was so real, so so real. Just so impulsive but so so ready to go.

I also just remembered that that's the last time I reacted to him blocking me. The last time I reacted, I tried to kms, and then I got out of the hospital and I stopped reacting to him blocking me. I stopped swearing at him. I truly and genuinely stopped caring. And what an odd feeling. To have gone from loving someone so much like that to truly feeling nothing for them at all.

I'm going to continue to journal here as much as I need to in order to cope with the anxiety. I'm not even forcing myself to say that I don't love him or don't miss him. He is abusing me right now and all I can control is how I react to it.

My goal is calmness. To be neutral. To be unattached and mindful.

#actually borderline #bpd #being borderline #borderline problems #borderline things #bpd stuff #bpd problems #bpd fp #bpd vent #bpd relatable #lamotrigine #tw : dv #tw : suicide

[countlessrealities]

@petalsxfallen sent: “You’re a fucking dead man, Sanchez!” for Rick (for Petal getting her memories back lol)

Petal's angry voice filled the garage without a warning, so loud that it covered even the noise of the door being slammed open against the wall. Rick visibly jumped, taken completely off guard, and spun around in a hurry, more out of instinct than because he had chosen to.

In truth, he should have expected to have the Gem come finding him sooner or later. Once her memories had started to come back, she had been dazed and confused, too busy trying to make sense of it all to think about what had happened after her Rejuvenation, but obviously that wouldn't have lasted.

However, the scientist had thought that she would have taken at least a few days before recovering enough to storm in on him with all her fury. Obviously, he had made a gross miscalculation.

"H-Holy shit!" He yelped, moving away just in time to narrowly avoid the knife that was thrown at him. It seemed like Petal had no intention of playing around. It was pretty clear that her plan was to hurt him first and talk later.

Useless to say, he was definitely not on board with it.

"W-What the...Stop acting like a crazy bitch!" He exclaimed, activating his personal force field right before she charged on, jumping on him and slamming the blade over and over against the energy barrier. "W-Why the fuck are you so mad at me?! I-It was fully consensual! I-It's not my fault if the version of you w-who's unburdened by all that bullshit has better tastes t-than you do!"

As it was to be expected, those were the wrong words, because they only caused the pearl to shove him against the workbench with a growl, climb on him and resume her stabbing attempts.

"G-God fuckin' dammit!" Rick cursed, trying in vain to grab her hands to immobilise her.

Then his head whipped in the direction of the other occupant of the room. As much as he hated to admit it, he could have used a hand.

"M-Morty! What the fuck?! A-Are you just going to stand there an-and watch as she attempts to murder me?!" She wouldn't have been able to, but that wasn't the point. "G-Get her pink ass off me!"

From where he was standing, leaning against the wall near the door, arms crossed over his chest, Morty shook his head and shrugged. If Rick was hoping that he would bail him out when he had brought all that on himself, then he would be very, very disappointed.

"I-I've already one my part. I-I told you tha-that it was a bad idea, b-but you didn't listen to me. Y-You never do," he answered in a nonchalant tone, even if deep down he was feeling smug. Oh, sweet payback. "Y-You know, Rick, choices have consequences. Y-You always manage to avoid them or-or have others deal with them for you, so...M-Maybe it's about time you face them yourself."

The reply gained him a heated glare from the scientist, but the teen simply ignored it. He knew that Rick would have eventually tried to get back at him for how petty he was being, but by now he was used to dealing with that shit.

Besides, he had the feeling that Petal wouldn't stop being mad for a good while and both of them knew that Rick would have needed Morty to get through it. So, whatever the man would plan, couldn't have been too nasty, unless he was ready to end up being left alone to deal with a murderous, enraged Gem.

#[ ic :: c137 Rick ] #[ ic :: Morty ] #&& Petal #petalsxfallen #[[ I had to add Morty just watching x'D ]] #[[ he was really eager to say 'I told you so' x33 ]] #;; queue

[latinalesbi]

I think all the Sherri Polo selfies & everything from today has definitely made up for the lack of interviews & press stuff we didn't get before the season started . I'm so happy

Cry? Right. What a day of gifts. We had a long drought and even though Teri is staying away from twitter, they managed to give us goodies. I am so happy about it. I don’t know about y’all but I really needed that.

Anonymous said:                                                                      Is it me or is teri’s hair a lot longer? I wonder if she’s letting it grow again                   

You know, it’s really short in the back. It’s just long up top and really blonde. It’s “Teri” style but as she said on the facebook live she really can’t change it much so she’ll be back to Stef come April!

Anonymous said:                                                                      That’s it. If I have to watch Brandon on top of his girlfriend post orgasm then I should be allowed to see the Mommas in the exact same situation!!  Fair is fair!

Right? Last time I had to sit through Brallie sex, I said, fuck this, I better see Stef and Lena on top of each other. And I got it! So, yeah I am going to need some heavy breathing post-orgasm Stef and Lena now. Equity my friends. I didn’t need to see that but since I did, I demand the pretty now!

 Anonymous said:                                                                   

 How did you like the premiere? I really thought Frankie was going to come up when Lena was in the church. Like I thought she was going to say something about how she couldn’t lose another child because she already lost her. 

The scene at the church was amazing but short. You know I waned some connection to Frankie. I mean Lena has already lost a child and I’d like some connection to that. She’s going to be taking the burden with Jesus, so I would like some of that. I am not giving up hope on that. The episode was fast paced so it went fast but not in a bad way. Stef and Lena were perfect and I just can’t wait for more.

Anonymous said: 

do you think aj and callie will reconcile or do you think she’ll get with aaron? i get that he’s trans representation but i hate his character!

Anonymous said:

Callie and AJ are so cute together. I think Callie is falling in love with him or already has fallen for him. I just hope that the writers don’t ruin their relationship

From one of Maia’s recent interviews it does seem like there will be trouble for Callie and AJ :( At least Joanna is a big shipper so there’s hope. Maia says she loves AJ but she’s too busy with everything around her to give her all like AJ does. And that she also leans on boys when she’s in trouble and that’s where the Aaron thing comes from. I can’t see them making me like Aaron, so to me he’s just boring and another thing to skip over. I want Callie to get jealous when that girl comes into AJ’s life because Callie is letting him get away. On the other hand, I think AJ needs to remember the girl he fell for. The social justice warrior that took him under wing. That’s who she is and he is going to have to get on board. I have hope for them.

Anonymous said:                                                       How much do you want to bet that Courts pregnant now

Ugh, the whole thing was gross. I wouldn’t be surprised.                  

Anonymous said:

The facebook live video was such a good compensation for the lack of Stef & Lena scenes in last night’s episode.:D Teri & Sherri were all over each other in the video. I really missed them together, their little touches, and when they look into each others’ eyes, and Teri kisses Sherri’s forehead, I was melting. When I thought their chemistry couldn’t get any better, here they are, it totally resonates on screen, love them! :)          

I didn’t think there was a lack of Stef and Lena. It was a minute count, around 12 minutes, but it was very good and very intense. A lot of touching and lot of character development. I was satisfied. I mean, I am always going to want more but for an ep that had all the characters in it, it was good. I am worried about what’s to come but heck, we got a season 5, I am riding high!

Sherri Polo on the other hand, oh geez that was needed. It had been so long. I totally respect Teri and her choices but thank god for Sherri who gives us stuff and Brad. Brad is totally on board! I missed them so much I had to gif! Their chemistry and friendship is as good as ever, their energy fuels this entire thing. I love how everyone isn’t phased at all by their intensity!

Anonymous said:

Okay, was anyone else really bothered by Emma’s treatment of Mariana? Yes, she made mistakes but she was being emotionally manipulated by Nick and made bad decisions from a place of fear. I’m tired of people blaming Mariana for Nick’s actions - and it was especially galling to watch it done by someone who claims to be a feminist. I’m sick of Emma. She can go. I need the show to address how messed up what she said was and then I need her to go far, far away. Permanently.

Yeah, I think she was tough on Mariana but she was feeling I think angry about Jesus’ situation so I kinda forgive her. However, I can see how Mariana then feels like it’s all her fault but really they aren’t portraying it as it happened. Marian wasn’t “seeing Nick” all along. She was keeping his harassment of her a secret. She was guilted into seeing him and now she’s being guilted into taking responsibility. Yeah, Jesus was protective of Mariana, but he was also protecting jerky bio dad when he got a nail in his head. I don’t mind Emma but I wonder how she’ll deal with a clearly different Jesus.  The only thing Mariana needs a talking about is her addiction.

It just brings me back to everyone expecting these kids to react as typical kids do. These kids are foster kids though, they don’t come from stable homes with lots of love. They come from addiction and abandonment. Stef and Lena do the best they can but that damage was done early and those kids continue to make decisions based on that damage. Other than Brandon, he’s just spoiled.

 Anonymous said:                                                                      Sherri is just completely infatuated with Teri. I mean Nick was right there and I didn’t see her put her arm around him or stare at him while he was talking or rub her lips on his shoulder which I think is a super intimate thing to do. I do t know. The vibe is there. And it’s super strong.             

I mean, whatever they got going on, it’s super special. When Sherri says , my love my love, it’s real. Nick? Do you mean Danny? Yeah, I mean that whole cast knows, don’t get in the middle of Sherri and Teri. They sat together on the couch, on the floor, and the on that nook for the facebook live thing. Sherri and Teri don’t have many boundaries left which is fantastic for their portrayal of a married couple. I am just glad that it is still there 4 years of filming and those two aren’t sick of each other at all. It’s as wonderful as ever.

Anonymous said: 

Was Sherri nuzzling with Teri’s shoulder or was that a kiss? Either way I love it. & Teri kissing Sherri’s forehead, Sherri looked like she was melting. They’re love is so beautiful to watch! I’m glad they’re back on my screen. First time they weren’t ying & yang, but they seemed intertwined. Sherri’s hand was behind Teri (we only saw that once though) & it looked like Teri’s hand or arm was on Sherri sometimes. I love go close they are, it’s wonderful to see. Thanks for the FB live gifs!  

Nuzzling I think but with lips lol. Is that a kiss technically? Sherri did look like she was melting. Maybe they hadn’t seen each other for a bit, they looked to be having the best time. I am so happy they were back on my screen as themselves and Stef and Lena.

And yeah, they were wearing similar clothes but their energy is still very ying and yang.  And you’re welcome for the gifs! It had been so long and they were so cute together, I just had to!

#Anonymous #late on the asks #but I wrote some of this last night and I lost it #ugh