#driving stresses me out so fucking much

[chemicaljacketslut]

oh wait i have to do stuff tomorrow ☹️

#i have to wake up at like 9am.. #and i’m stayin up late #i just am hanging out w friends but also i don’t think i know some of the people going #and i will prob have to drive on roads i’ve never been on THATS SO SCARY… #i literally hate driving with my entire being #i think it’s bc i got (very minorly) hit and something in my brain clicked that like. i am not infallible #like i’m not the best driver ever i don’t have a ton of experience but even if i DO do everything perfectly. i can still get hit #not even that scared about dying mostly about it being A Whole Thing. like awkward. or me missing school. an Ordeal #god that one time i got hit was so embarrassing man literally was so awkward it was traumatizing bc it was so embarrassing #yeah so now whenever i drive i genuinely CONSTANTLY feel like i’m doing SOMETHING wrong #and i CONSTANTLY feel like i am going to get in a crash at any second #driving stresses me out so fucking much #and i actually liked driving at first but my brain has just completely flipped on it #some kind of trauma response probably idk. i don’t like thinking about it but also i think about it a lot anyway bc i drive a lot #well anyway. i think the route is not too scary hopefully. but i will probably get lost when i get there #bc we’re meeting at a really huge park and idk where in the park we are meeting

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

ah yes! the joys of executive dysfunction and something being Fundamentally Broken In Your Braincase!

#quick vent Look Away Nothing To See Here #i just needed to place my emotions somewhere before i really started to spiral #texts from cherished friends should not cause nausea-level anxiety! and yet! #here i am! running away from the ever-present miasma of guilt and stress! #you know a few months ago i was like 'im going to be better about responding im going to do better' #i Immediately started doing Worse! #i think i stressed myself out too much #pretty much every relationship i have ends up completely deteriorating due to my own insecurities and guilt and fucked up brain <3 #ah yes and how could i forget the Commitment Issues and Emotional Block #mentally i am banging my head into a wall #but its fine Its Fine #i mean its not. its really not. but sometimes it seems like the harder i try the harder i fail #which is something i should be used to by now! #okay so it looks like i Am Indeed spiraling so #i am going to go... list some good things in this world and uhhh #well i dont have the car this weekend so cant go for a drive and some boba. um. #i need to organize my room table Yes that sounds distracting and falsely productive #not gonna tag this with anything actually. #love treating tumblr like my personal diary #ah yes its just me. my personal feelings. and the couple thousand people that follow me. #perhaps i will also buy something online with one of the gift cards i found the other day #buttons from michaels!!! i need buttons! i will go do that! #with the knowledge that i have unopened messages to respond to looming in the back of my mind like a noose! yippee yahoo!!! #gonna... turn of replies/rbs just this once since its just a Vent #i just needed to get it Out yk? not looking for anything other than relieving pressure on my brain #ok it looks like i cant turn of replies for individual posts #just... pretend you didnt see this for both our sakes <3 #look away look away

[figofswords]

the post grad why did i get an art degree what am i even doing what do i want in life where am i going crisis has finally hit i want to. lie down in the dirt. or something

#WHAT AM I DOING!!!! #i get up i go to my stupid retail job i stick labels on bags they pay me fucking thirteen bucks an hour i come home i lie on the couch #too tired to draw in too much pain to go anywhere no energy to reach out to college friends to do anything fun #no idea where the even start with getting an industry job no clue what i even WANT at this point #trying to remember what i loved so much about comics i want it BACK i HATE this #WHAT IS THE POINT!!!! WHAT DO I WANT WHERE AM I GOING!!! WHAT COMES NEXT!!!!!! #there's no clear career trajectory i can't do freelance i need structure i can't work too much i need free time #my brain doesn't work every job requires me to move across the country the irs just took fucking three hundred stupid dollars from me #my friends live in different states i can't get a job without experience i can't get experience without a job #i can't work on my portfolio with no energy and no time and i dont have any money and everything is so expensive all the time #i can't get anywhere bc i dont drive and im too stressed to think about taking driving lessons again #and WHAT DO I WANT! #THE MOST INTERESTING THING I DO EVERY WEEK IS GO TO PHYSICAL THERAPY! #I AM EXCITED EVERY WEEK FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!! WHY!!!!!!!! #anyway WHATEVER i need to go to bed #delete later #i got into spx. today. so. had to have a crisis about how i felt when i attended spx (energized. excited. a part of something. ambitious) #versus how i feel now (tired. unmotivated. kind of apathetic about art. disconnected) #i dont miss the stress of school but i miss being around other artists. ppl who speak your language and who want the same things you want #ppl who are excited abut art and that makes YOU excited about art. ppl who get you #i miss that i want that back #whatever. its 1am i gotta go shower i have an 8.5 hour shift tomorrow. wahoo. $13.50/hr lets go

[todayisafridaynight]

any hopes for kiwami 3? like things u wanna see added or changed stuff like that

if they dont keep kiryu's goofy walk stance and the hoof-like walk sounds i dont wanna play it

#snap chats #no one understands how much i love that from y3 and y4 its genuinely one of my favorite things about the game #oh but i guess i have to give an actual answer now. HMPH. #id scream if they revived kanda calling mine limp wristed. homophobia in 4k #OK BUT TO BE SERIOUS uhhhh i dont know. im a real simple guy i think #my only like. If This Isnt There Im Leaving deal is mine's palette and im so serious #rgg's scaring me with all the black-hair/purple-suit mine stuff as of late and i cant stress how hard ill vomit if thats in the final #HYPOTHETICAL final anyways. yk3 isnt coming out for. IDK A WHILE #i wanna say i hope they highlight daigo and mine's relationship more but i dont know how theyd do that #i really like how mine's handled in y3 as is so i dont think i want scenes injected like what they did with yk1 and nishiki #someone said a Mine Saga after the game and... hm ... sounds too unrealistic for me to hope for it #like im REALLY trying to think how they could possibly reference the rggo stories in y3 since those are EXCELLENT but #i think . MAYBE. you could reference the story where richardson calls mine as he's driving to the hospital #the only thing you'd have to exclude though is mine stopping by the bar- like JUST keep the phone conversation maybe #cause in that scene that subordinate does question mine if he can really kill daigo and i think thatd be neat. in my opinion. #yeah i dont know. in regards to rggo its hard to think of what i want without intervening things i already like about y3 #its a real head scratcher ... #a really good epilogue addition would be adapting that RGGO bit where daigo ruminates on mine. that's a fair ending for him i think #it also fulfills the need to see how daigo saw mine even if its just a little #and to non-rggo readers it could start to answer 'how does daigo feel about everything that happened' #im still so curious as to if daigo was briefed on EVERYTHING that happened but .... anyways.... #sorry all my hopes for y3 are just mine/minedai centric fLVKELKA BUT LIKE. i really am content with everything else with y3 surprisingly #idk. i want kiryu fucking up that curry in high definition tho. thats important to me #THEY HAVE TO KEEP THE QTES DURING THE RICHARDSON FIGHT ILL BE PISSED #i need the fight to be AS CAMPY and unnecessary as it was in the og. INCLUDING richardson's voice acting i need it wack as hell #is it weird i actually appreciate the Diet Building Loredumping being like. in replayable-cutscene form #i thought id prefer just One Long cutscene but im glad theres the option to skip those segments #BUT being able to get a refresher in case you missed something somehow #im running out of tags jesus christ i shouldve put this in the main text but vjALjlagj those are all my thoughts for now bYE

[penisbilt]

the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now

#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL #really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us #ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great #extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore #the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog #its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow #i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating #i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one #i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it #theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget #anyway. anyway. #our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by #there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!' #we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad #cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now #maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that #im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away #ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free #i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20 #i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her #but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more #maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know #because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before #i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years #i dunno. i dont know #anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process #the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months #the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time #when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move #just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend

[dirt-str1der]

Yaoi has poisoned all of your fucking brains !!

#Yakuza HATEblog #i dont want to hear about the new yakuza trailer where kiryu proposed to soemone he wouldnnever do that thats so scary #also they refered to sayama as the cop lady like please show some respect to her she didnt be annoying for you to forget her #ive become homophobic now because i hated seeing a particular post so much like that will never happen you are crazy #like no this isnt how kzmj can win they have never even once considered a future together because kiryus foreplanning ended when he lost #his brother and majima has spent half her life waiting for saejima to come back like they have more important things to worry about #and kiryu is not able to share his kids with anybody he cant simultaneously raise haruka with someone he has to either be a single dad or an #absent dad no in between and sometimes haruka is left parentless in the middle of that mess but its not kiryus problem hes driving cars amd #beating people up .... well he does care sorry for insinuating he doesnt ... he thinks about his kids every day #but i guarantee you he does not think about majima every day i swear it to you he does not care about her that much !!! i have to forever #stress this doesnt mean that he hates majima but it simply means that shes not his priority AND SHE WILL NEVER BE !!! kiryu will never #risk it all just for a suckle on that majiwilly like he doesnt like her that much ... if kiryu didnt even give majima so much as a phonecall #when he was ignoring her the entirety of y3 AFTER tossing her back to the wolves just so he can play house at okinawa.. hes not going to #suddenly realise that he wants to spend the rest of his life with majima hes going to be pondering how miserable he is while beating the #fuck out of people because sorry i didnt actually pay attention to the gaiden stuff is kiryu a hitman now or some sort of mercenary either #way its so hot that hes paralleled by y0 majima because hes so depressed and wants to kill himself and forced to wear a nice suit and do #things he doesnt want to while being kept on a tight leash like hohooho ... have sex with me ...!!! #im going to kill him myself to put him out of his misery if i have to ... just let kiryu run off to america and join the cia im kidding but #wait i just thought of him actually running off and sayama pulling some strings in the force to keep people from looking for him because #shes like a bigshot cop now ... i think she should be able to cradle him gently and keep him like a show cat #a shivering wet penis in the rain and she takes him in and gives him a loving home ... i feel a little embarrassed talking about hetships #but the concept of kiryu just being in her house and living with her is making me laugh like wow ... hes straight now.... like obviously hes #still not going to be like lets get married 🥰 but sayama would want to... i believe that she could forge their documents so kiryu isnt an #illegal immigrant anymore and she gives him an american name so john yakuza can become real ... its like a fake dating au but they really #arent dating theyre just having sex and acting out scenes from a kdrama but eventually kiryu will have to go back because hes so sad #without his kids and he needs to see them one last time to pass away peacefully. sorry i just remembered how much older kiryu was than #sayama like thats a bit funny ... like i still think kiryu should be into older guys or girls but like we cant always have that happen #like how majimas options for getting fucked by creepy old guys are getting lesser year by year because those old geezers keep dying and hes #old now too ... like theyre so old thats fucked. i know ive been saying how kzmj can never win but i do think majima should breastfeed kiryu

[dandyshucks]

need Guz to hug me tightly for like an hour solid oh my god dhdjdkl I went driving for the first time in over a year and I chewed my lip raw 😭😭

I'm starting to look like a caricature of Anxiety with all these physical symptoms and signs LMAO

#this is so ridiculous fhfjdkdl #i do not like driving fjdkdl i know i should not be on the roads #but unfortunately i have to bc i live rural and also my parents insist i ''just need more practice'' #practice is not going to fix the dissociation 😭😭 practice will not fix the Other Drivers being shitty and scary and reckless fjfkdl #it might make it slightly easier bc i wont have to think as hard about shoulder and mirror checks and roadsigns and speed limits #and where i am located on the road and intersection rules and whatnot #but like... it does not fix that i live in a town (and world lol) where ppl are fucking bonkers on the road #i had someone riding my ass for like a full five minutes. we had only two feet btwn us. MAYBE. IF THAT MUCH. #he was BIG mad that i was going the speed limit #and THERES A POLICE STATION LIKE RIGHT NEAR THAT AREA MY GUY IM NOT GONNA GO OVER THE SPEED LIMIT RIGHT THERE LMAO ???? #also im a rule follower usually so i do tend to go Exactly the speed limit fjfkdl #and maaannn that makes people SO fucking angry dhfjdl its impossible to drive Anywhere without having someone right on ur bumper #its so ridiculous like... that's not helping anyone ??? ur not getting to ur destination faster by riding up on somebodys ass ???? hewwo ??? #ANYWAYS. i drove around the neighborhood and then went up the highway and thru some intersections and then into the main core of town #and then i got my dad to take over from there bc it was lunch hour and the core of town is a lawless land at the best of times #MY NERVES ARE FRIED. i need Guz to act as a weighted blanket or one of those pressure therapy vests for me LOL #im like... shaking fhdjsl that was far more than i thought we were going to do for driving today good lord #IM OKAY THOUGH I SURVIVED I DIDNT EVEN HIT A CURB OR ANYTHING #i think I've only hit a curb once so far in all my times driving and that was on my second time driving on a road i think #so pretty good track record... im a very careful driver fjdkdl i work so hard to be safe and drive smoothly #during my driving test the only thing the test guy had to critique was that i waited at an intersection when i could've gone #but the reason i waited was bc i wasnt sure i could make it across the traffic lane before the oncoming vehicle got to us #so it was like. a safe decision overall but a little too hesitant which can actually be unsafe fjdkdl #AUGH ANYWAYS SORRY FOR RAMBLING SM #driving stresses me out so bad and my lip is all raw now and i have so many physical stress symptoms the past few days fhfjdl #after tonight i should be able to calm down a bit hopefully fhfkdl theres a thing we're going to tonight thats been stressing me out so bad #but after tonight it'll be over and hopefully I can get myself settled down again fjfjdkl #dandy.cmd #vent //

[bootyful-seventeen]

hey y'all, anyone have any good stress relief tehniques or habits they'd like to share cuz I've been more stressed in the last 3 weeks then I was in the last 6 months

#to cut the long story short my mom had to sell the old house cuz her broke ass couldnt afford to keep it up #eventho it is a whole ass hoarders house and was in shambles with a flooded basement a collapsing ceiling in at least 2 rooms plus mold #and the stench a dirt and dog piss and shit all over the floor really made it worse then it was #but yeah so shes been staying with me and my grandma and its been awful #she hasnt been taking any of the medicine the doctors gave her when she snapped and started a fight and also started screaming at neighbour #so shes been terrorizing us here while the house has become her second hoarders den since she dragged so much crap here #my backyard side entrance and front porch are full of her shit and my grandma hates it since she can barely step into the house #so since she kept looking for places way out of her budget i had to go do house hunting since my useless sister is busy getting lit again #so ive been showing her shit in her price range that was under 420k cuz im not a moron who looks at 800k homes when i have 570k #and each time she has a new complaint saying its too expenive or its too small or its too old when she said she wants to do renovations #but shes saying she wants to renovate a newly renovated place instead of an old one #so i just showed her a house near my sisters uni and she liked the inside & backyard but she complained that 400k for newly renovated 3 bed #that is literally a 9 minute drive from my sisters uni is too expensive when shes the one who was looking at an old ass unrenovated bungalo #that is a street over from us that is 800k and she says it looks like garbage cuz an old lady previously owned it before dying #like no shit it looks old cuz older people lived those decades and like it and she just keeps doing her bullshit again & again #cuz when i tell you her mind is gone i mean it is GONE and she starts up all these wild stories to just explain some shit #like something goes missing? the neighbours are hungarian and stole it and left the hoard of junk in her old house #she has more stupid stories to harass and stress us out with but if im gonna share that ill have to write a book about it cuz fuck #and you know its bad when no one else can stand being in any contact with her cuz she starts screaming at people about it #so the only one who even likes her anymore is my sister and thats cuz shes deep in denial about just how insane she is & how abusive she is #so yeah i need some stress relief help that maybe isnt constantly hitting up maryjane cuz i dont do weed often especially since shes here #cuz weed 'burns your brain & makes you crazy like this' when shes the only one whos ever infuriated me to astronimical levels #i know retail therapy helped before she came here but i dont want to keep spending money i dont really have #it would be great tho but shes refusing to give me the 70k she said was mine from the house sale so i can cut her out for good

[pepprs]

discovered miah_pie on t*ktok (<- i don’t have one btw i just stumbled upon her bc someone i follow on ig talked abt her) and her videos make me want to cry so bad. 24 year old dependent moment

#purrs #i went to a clothing store today to try to get new work shoes and pants bc the one pair i have of each literally have holes in them and are #falling the fuck apart on my body and it was a HORRIBLE experience largely bc i think everybody in town was out shopping for back to school #so it was super crowded and there were lots of screaming kids and it was extremely stressful + my dad got into a mini car accident while i w #was in the store (he was / is completely fine thankfully but the car is not which is so awesome 😍😍😍😍😍) and i was just so stressed and #overstimulated but also like… nothing fits me bc im so short lol. but anyway it was so horrible i was on the verge of starting to cry in the #store and then i came home empty handed and my mom got super pissed at me for… needing to go to the store / being the reason we were out lol #and then finding miah pie and her videos are all about making trips to the store SO much fun and buying little treats and saying yessir and #OHHHHHH MYYYYY and just finding the joy in smth that can be so stressful and unpleasant… it makes me want to cry happy and sad tears at the #same time like i want that soooo bad and i can’t do it fully yet but i want it. need it. fuck my stupid baka life #anyways im gonna start saying the stuff she says just to make myself feel better even when im not at a store. yessir! OHHHHHH MYYYYYY. #acquired. don’t mind if i diddly dooooo! #also btw i am not a dependent except for the ways i am a dependent. hope that helps 🫶🏻 #the problem is really that i don’t have a car or a license and also that my mom throws a fit every time i need / want to get driving #practice bc it’s never a good time so. lol 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 me doing drivers ed this summer was a fucking joke i forget literally everything i #learned and have only been behind the wheel 3 times and none of them have actually counted bc im just developing basic motor skills #(literally). fmlllll im never getting out of here who am i kidding 🤪 #delete later

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#thats me in the corner. thats me in thr spotlight. rocking from side to side and not contributing to the conversation #which is to say. i made it to thr lab get together with an old lab mate. i really truely did not think i would #i was like 20min late bc of the crying and hyperventilating over a 6min drive down the road #i sorta freaked out while driving too. and almost turned around. its just that i kno i havent been sleeping enough and got overwhelmed #but i made it there. and i dont think i looked like id been crying but i probably looked a bit blank faced and miserable #as i rocked from side to side for like 2hrs listening to ppl talk. i enjoyed it exactly as much as i expected. it was good to see the guy #again but i just dont connect in group gatherings idk. im glad its done. also fucking we were sitting there and a group comes in and whos #in that group?? someone i have avoided seeing for like a loooong time. the guy who tried to be in a relationship with me back when i 1st #started as a grad student. i say relationship. i was explaining to him why i couldnt do any sort of romantic e tanglement and he was very #firm abt not wanting a relationship. and im like bro im explaining u why no romanticly adjacent thing is gonna work. u literally asked me #to physically hold ur hand thru this. u r somehow more emotionally invested in this than me and also are telling me that u just wanna fuck #me. so like u r not slick. whatever. it was so fucking stressful at the time. which i feel bad abt bc it wasn't really his fault #i was just less self aware so i didnt kno i have bad awareness in the moment. like i dont kno a lines been crossed until a week later when #im laying on thr floor falling apart. so like i wish him the best. didnt kno he was still around. hopefully this doesnt trigger stress #dreams. all this to say i was very fucking tense. and when i got back in my car i was like shaky and panting lol #idk looking back its just such a weird situation with that dude. if i was anyone else it woudlnt have been a big deal but #my brain just doesn't process physical touch right. so now ive got these horrible touch memories that like on paper r literally nothing #but for me they were so unfathomablly awful when i 1st aquired them. i literally could not deal with any romantic stuff for like a month #bc it would like trigger me. now thst its been like 3 years its not bad tho. just like gives me thr ick but i dont get #stuck in the memories too much. its so dumb. whatever. point is im all sore now from sitting all tense haha #unrelated

[applecherry108]

[to the tune of the Lego Movie’s “Everything is Awesome”]

Everything is stressful! 🙃

Every-thing causes anxiety! 🙃

Everything is stressful!! 🙃🙃

When you have ADHD! 🙃🙃🙃

#I can’t take this fucking roller coaster of a housing crisis much longer I’m going to fucking SCREAM #I don’t think I’m being unreasonable by setting a boundary after all the concessions I’ve made but now she wants to push to move in date #back?? HOW DO I KNOW UR EVEN GOING TO MOVE IN AT ALL #LITTLE MISS MONTH-TO-MONTH 😭😭😭💀💀💀💀💀 #apple talks #to the tune of spam #alright tw time! here comes the suicidal thoughts! #so my last housemate moved out a few months ago and my parents have been helping me with rent since then #but it’s fucking expensive in California #and I’m struggling to a) find a new roommate b) find a new apartment or c) find a better paying job #the stress has literally been killing me I can’t fucking sleep I eat even less and I’m up with 4 am panic attacks! #and my parents don’t have infinite money! so on Xmas they threatened to pay a buttload of money to force me back to Ohio bc somehow THAT #expense is less than helping me with rent a little while longer #I would rather fucking kill myself than move back to Ohio I am dead fucking serious #bc it’s not ‘move in with my parents again’ it’s my parents paying a whole ass apartment of my own until I find an Ohio job (in THIS economy #??) it’s them paying to fly me my CATS and my stuff out there but not any of my furniture. #it’s being down the road from my father again which I cannot and WILL not do. #I fucking moved to Cali to get away from him. and if my mom would just divorce his ass I’d be no contact in a heartbeat #I cannot be financially dependent on him AND live within driving distance of him #and I absolutely do not want to put my cats through the stress of a plane ride! they can barely keep it together being locked in my room #while I’m at work for 1 day! not to mention I’d be dependent on my parents to drive me everywhere bc there’s not public transportation there #and I’ve been packing in case I have to move apartments or god forbid to ohio and it’s a blurry fucking line bw packing to move #and giving away all my shit in preparation to kill myself #and I FINALLY found a new very temporary roommate and I’ve made a fuck load of concessions for her to move in and I have to draw the fucking #line somewhere and this of all things has her wanting to push back move until February which makes me nervous bc what if she backs out? what #if I’m fucked? girlies if I stopped posting for days on end I am literally dead. pray for my cats to go to a good home bc I can’t fucking do #it anymore

[rieha]

I want to read, I want to write, I want to draw, I want to play games, I want to clean, I want to learn a new skill, I want to create, I want to-

#bot I SWEAR if I leave my job I’m gonna get my act together and get insurance and finally see a psychiatrist and get medicated😩 #there’s so much I want to do but I have 0 motivation to do it #and work just makes me tired and stressed out even more all the time #i will endure the horrors of driving so I can get the fuck out of my home town if I must #rieha’s personal stuff

[bunnihearted]

im so anxious and worried for the future, bc i cant even imagine myself having a job. like having important responsibilities and having to show up and perform well, just being in the role of a grown up with a job. i honestly still feel like 14, i dont feel like i'll ever be mature or smart enough to hold a job. like me, with a job where i have responsibilities and know how to do things and actually do them? that sounds like a joke. i just feel so lost and like i'm not capable of anything and it freaks me out bc what am i supposed to do???

#it makes me so fkn stressed and scared bc like #i have to have a job theres no other way #but just trying to figure out what job i can realistically do gives me a headache #working in a grocery store i could do but my unresolved knee pain makes it not possible #also i hate capitalism and the meat industry and working in a place where im reminded of that would drive me insane #or preschool teacher bc when we had our work experience thing in school i actually liked being at a pre school #but then im like damn i'd get so tired and exhausted and all the loud noises would give me headaches. + my knees... #also thinking abt being a paralegal but maths... economics... and this rlly feels like smth im too stupid to do lmao #and librarian... but i need advanced maths for that and i dont know if i can do that... #idk like obvi this isnt smth unique im struggling with lol but maybe my avpd makes all of this sm hardet #HARDER** fck typos makes me so mad #idk what the fuck to do i feel #so hopeless lmao it's all too much im overwhelmed

[thedreadvampy]

aaaaaaaaaaa work is so overwhelming just now I feel like my brain may explode

#red said #i can't tell if i have too much to do or if I'm just being disorganised in doing it!!!!!! #but i was meant to have a full data report done by tomorrow and i haven't found more than 20 straight minutes this week to look at it #the new boss keeps ASKING ME THINGS and ASKING ME TO DO THINGS #and the fucking. readability argument filled up SO MUCH of Monday and Tuesday with both back and forth and silent seethe #i have to be in all her meetings and she's sending me a bazillion things for social media #and my colleague's off on leave so I'm picking up his social channels too except I'm NOT cause i don't know what to PUT on them #need to put together a new video ad by next Friday #need to do like 5 more blogs #and the staff newsletter! gotta get that out by lunchtime!!!! haven't started it!!!!!!! #3 meetings today. gotta do vo recording tomorrow. and both today and tomorrow are short days #cause i have therapy today and I'm taking kofi for a Birthday Treat tomorrow afternoon so i gotta knock off at 12:30 #it's all very well to say work to live not live to work AND I DO but the expectations remain!!!!!! #and i feel like I'm failing and being lazy if i can't easily do everything that's asked of me. is my problem. #it's very important to have a manager who understands that their job with me isn't too drive me forwards #but to manage the amount of work that hours my desk because I WILL try to do all of it and i WILL usually manage #but it will absolutely fuck me long term #crying wailing i miss my manager 😭 10 months!!!! come back!!!!!!! #we don't always have the most idyllic work relationship but she knows me very well and i trust her to help not hinder with my stress levels #and also like if i tell her i am spiralling like this she would always help me prioritise #but i don't yet know or trust the mat cover well enough to talk to her about overwhelm. and i feel the need to establish myself first. #like I gotta prove that I'm hardworking and reliable and that when i say i can't cope i mean it and I'm not trying to dodge work #which. boy. working life as a disabled person sure does colour your thinking huh. #gotta first prove I'm EXCEPTIONALLY committed and hardworking and Good At Job BEFORE i can allow myself to struggle

[milo-is-rambling]

Most of the time I think life is so so good and then I have one minuscule moment of pain again and it’s like nvm I need to die

#you ever have a good pain week and then you can feel your body getting tense again even when you’re trying to be proactive and it doesn’t #help anymore and you feel like a child again I feel like when I first started hurting when I first realized this was forever I feel like #when I would spend nights crying and thinking about how this was my body and this was my life and how it’ll be like this forever #I almost hate feeling good bc I forget how shitty it is when I hurt #like I truly forget that pain is forever when I have a good couple days and then it always comes back and even when it’s not brutal #immediately I know it will get there again. #I’m pmsing and I’m nervous bc I am stressed and I’ll be starting a new job next week and my shoulders are set more forward then they normal #are and ik it’s from driving and stress and sleeping in so many different places but like god how do I stop being afraid of my body #falling apart while im still using it. #I’m preparing myself for the inevitable endo flare. if it isn’t this month it’ll be some other month. how do I explain to a new boss that I #might have to call out a couple days in a row every month bc I’ll be busy curled up in a ball crying or sleeping for two days #how do I explain that I have to lie about how much I can carry and how long I can stay on my feet because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to #get a job anywhere #ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh I feel incredibly young and small and my life is short and just beginning and it feels like it’s racing me to the end #I will hurt in some capacity forever. I just have to deal with that. between emotional and physical pain I am hurting constantly but this #last week has been so fucking good and I have to go back to my regular life tomorrow and try to be good and fix myself and still remember to #stretch even when I’m not driving ten hours and it’s just so hard #I hope I take care of myself. I hope I stop hurting I hope I can be happy soon

[fingertipsmp3]

What I really don’t get is job interviewers who make it clear that they don’t want you or don’t think you could do the job well, and when you try to defend yourself they come up with weird fucking contradictions. Like. Why the fuck are you even bothering to interview me at this point. Genuinely why waste your time. I know you’re getting paid to waste this half hour with me instead of doing your actual job, but still

#i don’t want to go back to job hunting man i really really don’t. my knee needs to fix itself and my current job needs to hire me #permanently because ahhhhhhhhhh #i interviewed for a fucking FAST FOOD position about 4 months before i started my current job and the stone cold fucking audacity #the interviewer had was mind boggling. she was fucking arguing with me. she was so snide about everything i said #i was like. i don’t know what you expect from me. this is fast food. most of your workers are 16 year olds who hate their lives #i am here because i hated teaching so much that switching to food service seems fine; and you guys are in the area and hiring #i was upfront about this. like do you expect me to go in with a huge corporate smile? i won’t! learn to appreciate honesty #these are the same ‘nobody wants to work anymore’ motherfuckers. bro i APPLIED. i have a completely clear schedule. I WANT TO WORK #i should’ve walked out of that interview man. i’m so glad she didn’t hire me #i also had this interview for a dental nurse position (it still hurts that i didn’t get that because it would’ve been fucking ideal) #and she was asking questions about how i handle stress and i was like ‘yeah i’m fine’ and she was like ‘but didn’t you just say you left #teaching due to stress?’ and i was like ‘no that’s not what i said. i left due to the level of responsibility’ #‘well being a dental nurse also requires a lot of responsibility’ woman unless you’re planning on making me do 50+ hours of unpaid #extra work; in my home; lesson planning… no the fuck it doesn’t #like the only work i’d be taking home as a dental nurse would be my coursework to get the qualification and that’s not at all the same thing #i’m completely fine with studying at home unpaid. i have myself paid out of pocket to study at home. like. #it just really felt like she didn’t want me and didn’t think i could do it. but then she invited me to the next stage of interviews anyway #just to ultimately reject me. whyyyyyyyy… you could’ve saved both of us half an hour & me a 10 minute drive bro #like maybe it’s just me but if i were an interviewer i would.. idk… SHORTLIST PEOPLE WHO I THOUGHT COULD DO THE FUCKING JOB #i don’t know. maybe in interviews i’m saying something really wrong or putting my foot in my mouth or i just have a noxious personality #in which case to be honest i would rather just straight up be kicked out of an interview. i would so much prefer to hear #‘i think we’ve heard enough. thank you for your time but i can tell you right now that i don’t think you’re a good fit for the position. #best of luck in the future’ than ‘it was so nice meeting you; we’ll call you’ and then it’s a rejection #when you fucking Knew it was going to be a rejection. like why keep me there!! why give me any level of hope that i’m going to be escaping #unemployment any time soon. BRO #i respect every company that has refused to even interview me so much more than the ones that have interviewed me just for the fucking sake #of it and sent a manager who was rude as hell #if you don’t think i have the experience or am unsuitable you can just say that bro #personal #rant