#i think i stressed myself out too much

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

ah yes! the joys of executive dysfunction and something being Fundamentally Broken In Your Braincase!

#quick vent Look Away Nothing To See Here #i just needed to place my emotions somewhere before i really started to spiral #texts from cherished friends should not cause nausea-level anxiety! and yet! #here i am! running away from the ever-present miasma of guilt and stress! #you know a few months ago i was like 'im going to be better about responding im going to do better' #i Immediately started doing Worse! #i think i stressed myself out too much #pretty much every relationship i have ends up completely deteriorating due to my own insecurities and guilt and fucked up brain <3 #ah yes and how could i forget the Commitment Issues and Emotional Block #mentally i am banging my head into a wall #but its fine Its Fine #i mean its not. its really not. but sometimes it seems like the harder i try the harder i fail #which is something i should be used to by now! #okay so it looks like i Am Indeed spiraling so #i am going to go... list some good things in this world and uhhh #well i dont have the car this weekend so cant go for a drive and some boba. um. #i need to organize my room table Yes that sounds distracting and falsely productive #not gonna tag this with anything actually. #love treating tumblr like my personal diary #ah yes its just me. my personal feelings. and the couple thousand people that follow me. #perhaps i will also buy something online with one of the gift cards i found the other day #buttons from michaels!!! i need buttons! i will go do that! #with the knowledge that i have unopened messages to respond to looming in the back of my mind like a noose! yippee yahoo!!! #gonna... turn of replies/rbs just this once since its just a Vent #i just needed to get it Out yk? not looking for anything other than relieving pressure on my brain #ok it looks like i cant turn of replies for individual posts #just... pretend you didnt see this for both our sakes <3 #look away look away

[tumbly-s]

Trigun body horror week day 5 — LIMBS

#trigun #trigunbodyhorrorweek #nicholas d. wolfwood #trigun maximum #trigun stampede #tumblysart #cw blood #dont do drugs kids #or you’ll end up like wowo here #turn to brittle stone and chip away after the last fight of your life #volume 10 wowo #still alive but not for long #anyways i think this will be my last entry #i am too exhausted from life and stuff to push for doing the last two #tbh i think ive been stressing myself out too much in the past few days because yesterday i was feeling all kinds of sick aghdhd #and thats with me preparing (half of) this event in advance lmao

[puppyeared]

its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously

#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to #im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but #because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of #exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something #and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh #and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing #because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant #even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still #its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn…. #if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about #I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird #maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel #a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t #I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to #be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol #idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week #had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting #yapping #does this count as vent #vent #Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly

[vimbry]

jumping off the back of the post about genres of song lyrics, another thing about tmbg's lyrics in particular is that even when they write about pleasant themes, they still manage to frequently do so through a sinister lens:

the experience of having children and looking after them:

a nice little nightlight protecting a child muses on the shortcomings it would have outside its assigned responsibility:

fantasising about getting high in the park with your crush:

#tmbg #AND. I love it. #please feel free to add to this btw. I feel like there's more flansburgh examples but they're dropping out of my head #I've gone on and on about ''sleeping in the flowers'' already. so I won't repeat myself too much in the tags here #but I can also see how it's intended to come across as playful. like. #it's two people in love having a silly exchange between each other #I also like the little interlude from the nightlight's lullaby-of-sorts to the child to describing how it would make a really bad lighthous #''man it's a good thing I'm not one of those. I'm too small. if I did that then people at sea would crash and drown horribly hahaha #anyway good night'' #and actually re: nanobots. it only just occurred to me #I'd gotten 'newborn citizenship of the micronations'' being a verbose way to describe. babies lol #but is the start of verse about the actual birth of a child and getting so distracted by the preparation and stress #that you almost forget oh yeah. I have this kid now :) #and thinking about how even tho your worries around that are now over you'll focus instead on all the future responsibilities you'll have #how does something written in such a detatched way manage to be so sweet

[icewindandboringhorror]

little lord cottonball gazing down from his ominous perch

#cats #Actualyl very too stressed and tired to type much in the tags for once as I typically do lol #I have many appointments this month and other things plus like 3 projects I'm trying to finish so... eughhghh #I actually have like 5 outfit pictures orsomething nearly completely ready to post on here and plenty of like #Content or things I could be posting to keep up some semblance of being a Normal Social Media Using Person but #idk.. i have to be in a very specific mood to post online lol.. a very vague conceptual state #It does not come naturally to me at all especically when I'd rather be off in my own world doing whatever like organizing rocks #and rolling little balls of clay and thinking about fantasy elven religions and etc. #like when stressed out so on and so forth... so I actually have to force myself like 'hey... remember.. you did an outfit.. POST IT' etc #ANYWAY... #a beauntifulle little cat image...

[flamboyant-king]

Howdy, I'm still alive. Not many drawings lately, but a lot of ling fun time. I just wanted to share my crafts hehe

My niece had fun playing with the ling plushies, I taught her about the goolings, and she drew Wiwi a couple times. I made her a Wiwi plushie and I'm gonna make a Lewling and a Hoardling too since she really wants her own. Makes me happy. That's what they're made for to make folks happy.

But sewing is so tedious 😵‍💫

#im making gooling plushies right now maybe i can sell those too #but thinking about selling got me stressed in the first place. im not enjoying myself in anything cause i keep thinking #you have to make money out of this. so i havent been drawing cause all i can think of is #now you can open commissions soon! i cant. no i cant i mustnt #so ive just been doing various crafts and diy projects because my relationship wkth drawing is strained at the moment #idk if theres a therapist out there that is creative oriented to help me love art again because i just #art has been destroyed by monetization and its breaking my brain #so no new drawings. its too much for me right now i feel like im gonna cry now about it. i need to enjoy myself and drawing wont help #so ill post other things i do meanwhile. just to update you guys im still alive and kicking and screaming sighhh #other #crafts #wiwi #hoardling #lewling #little creatures

[twoheadedfather]

i am just so exhausted from doing this. it hurts to have to exist here

#vent #i just want to cry all the time #i think i've been having some really bad emotional flashbacks all week too #i say i think because like... i can never be 100% in myself but yknow all the symptoms check out #my mom is being so... my mom #i hate it here so much #i feel so hopeless #childhood trauma #trauma #toxic mother #toxic mom #childhood abuse #childhood neglect #parental abuse #parental neglect #cptsd #complex post traumatic stress disorder #complex ptsd

[coquelicoq]

after spending the last week very stressed out and losing sleep over how much i regretted giving my number to a stranger, and after talking to several friends who all gave me the same very wise advice ("decide first what YOU want out of this and make decisions based on that" sounds obvious now but honestly blew my mind), i saw food truck man again today and he asked me if i have a boyfriend, told me he's all alone, hugged me twice, and tried to kiss me. i texted him after to be like just to be clear, i don't want a boyfriend, but i hope you find somebody! and he texted me back: i don't need a girlfriend. i'm married.

#AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA #i was actually so upset after he tried to kiss me. technically he did kiss me but not on the mouth because i would not turn my head lol #but i was like you know what i am an adult and i am going to be soooo mature right now. watch how mature i can be #and sent him this text #and then got that response and honestly now i feel a lot better about everything?? for some reason #i am not really understanding all of my reactions to this situation i need some time to process #but ultimately i have learned some new things about myself (or i probably will once i have processed lol) #and i'm actually quite proud of that text because i could have psyched myself out too much to send it #which i think would have just made me continue to be stressed about this #but i didn't!! i wrote it and i sent it and i didn't overthink it. yay me #sorry 2 everyone who wanted me to have a sexy time but it turns out i did not want to have a sexy time! #and i decided to take some advice that i should only do things i want to do <3 thank you to all my wise friends #it is a work in progress because he asked if he could hug me and i didn't really want to do that but i said okay #baby steps! working on it! #i feel insane though because i usually have a much easier time saying no than most people i know #so i don't know what's happening. it's because i gave him my number. i felt like by doing that i had consented to other things #but i hadn't. and even if i had i can withdraw consent at any time. yes. i do know this

[non-un-topo]

Humble brags from this week because I feel really accomplished and proud of myself

2 months on T looks hot as hell on me and it feels even better. I was given a work/study student of the year award by my supervisor yesterday completely by surprise, and I also picked up a certificate of recognition for trans day of visibility from the student community & leadership development office at my school. I accepted my offer to work in the library over the summer (better $$ than I thought!) so I'll finally have a legit job after 5 years (and in a field I love)! I'm working on a course with one of my favourite profs and it's looking good -- I got to design my own syllabus so it's all about transmasculine theory & life writing, which will prep me for grad school if I so choose. My partner is graduating college and we're planning to do a grad trip in Montreal with our pals. All of my coworkers and peers have been so wonderful and kind and supportive since I've gone public with my transition (even the one who had a lot to learn -- she has come super far and I'm really grateful for her). And I just checked my GPA and it went up a little! 8.5/9, babeyy.

#maybe it's just because the sun is out and i'm at that Good Point in my -- eugh -- my cycle #also maybe i've been depressed and under too much stress too long lol because i want to feel suspicious #things are a little TOOOO good.... hmmmmmmmmm #no but i'm super happy. glad i'm still around and got through the bad shit. glad i'm getting further and further away from my teen years #daddy gets shit DONE #i need to actually stop calling myself daddy but no i won't. i'm the father of my 21 year old friend through-and-through #i just think it's funny for a pee-wee like me to call himself daddy. it's funny!!! #also my (favourite shh) coworker complimented my little moustache yesterday and i feel so SEEN

[quietwingsinthesky]

s10 AU with jack just so that we can add another guy to this polycule situation going on. the doctor’s late wife river, his robot husband nardole, his evil imprisoned wife missy, and his boytoy jack harkness.

#jack doesn’t get the title of husband because he didn’t want it. he thinks boytoy is funnier. the doctor hates it so much. #(and also jack has Commitment Issues of the ‘what if i let myself get too attached to the doctor again only for him to ditch me a second #time that would actually kill me for real. override immortality and murder me. to death. permanently.’) #dear god can you imgine jack on the ‘let’s redeem missy’ team. first of all. first of all. doctor she tortured him. and she won’t even #apologize for it. but second of all oh my god jack is the worst possible person to give anyone moral advice. mr torchwood should not be #trusted to do that ever. just let him be eye candy like he was meant to be. being in charge of things stresses his pretty little brain out.

[jiggery-duggery]

how I look suggesting to my group partners that we do our bio presentation on vultures

#reggietales #specifically how they evolved convergently and might throw in a note thrown in on conservation too bc theyre. in trouble!!!!!! #they said they didnt have any ideas and we needed a topic i was like 'well i do have one idea..........................' #they seemed receptive so we'll see. i feel kind of bad like im forcing them but!!!! augh!!!!!!! we needed a topic and i had that one in min #and they said they were cool with anything so. idk i stressed that we rly didnt have to do this topic i was just throwing out an idea i wan #them to be interested too. its not fun if their hearts arent in it. we can pick p much anything lets do something well all enjoy yk? augh #i hope its ok. i hope theyre not secretly mad at me. mayb i should have been quiet. idk #i hesitate to use the word neurodivergent to describe myself bc ive never been formally diagnosed with adhd or autism #and i also dont think im negatively impacted enough by any traits i share w those disorders to qualify to have them #but i am for sure fucking abnormal about birds and vultures like. hyperfixation is the only word that fits. maybe even special interest idk #like i almost dont WANT to do this topic it weirdly feels like. selfish??? idk im just. aaaahhhhh!!! lmao #*staring haggard and weary at myself in the mirror gripping the counter with a white-knuckled grip* i will be normal i will be normal i wil

[todayisafridaynight]

I hope this isn't weird but earlier I was thinking about how much good artists do in the world, and so many artists don't recognize it. You bring a lot of joy to a lot of people. I've gotten a few commissions from you at this point, and every time I look at them I get so happy because, man, there was someone who took time to create something for me (I know I payed, but still!) Beyond that, I have seen when you draw little doodles just because people inspire you to eith their asks. You practiced your skill and you use it to make others happy and that's so valuable. You contribute a lot to this world just by bringing people's moods up, and I hope you recognize that. You're pretty awesome :)

t thank yuou ,....

#fave #snap chats #HIDING BEING THE BIGGEST SAPPIEST SAPPY SAP IN THE TAGS #PLEAAASSSEE BRO I CAN'T ALMOST BE CRYIN AT 11AM THATS SO EMBARRASSINGGGG #BUT REAL THANK YOU SO MUCHH 😭😭 i say it a lot but i really cant stress how happy i get making other people happy #and thank you for commissioning me !! it's helped me out a lot so thank you for the support you've given me in the past :') #i hope i can continue to make you happy whether its through a future commission or the lil drawings i do everyday #i keep re reading this byyyyeeeeeee im a big ol blubbering BABY this is really sweet #i say a lot that i draw for myself and i do but i also have you guys as motivation to get better #cause sometimes i just wanna hang up a drawing or idea but then i just think like 'there'll be at least ONE other person who'd like this' #and if i can make one other person happy then i'm more than glad to put in the extra work and get that pay off #so i have to thank you guys a whole lot too for giving me motivation to draw everyday and help nurture that passion #cause sure i love drawing and i love the things i draw but it's always nice to h ave other people cheering for you too #it's nice that i can get other people interested in the stuff i like.. #didnt really get that growing up so im glad i can have that with yall now and have fun :] #so again thank yall so much for bein lovelies and chattin with me and leaving tags and just supporting me #CANNOT stress how much it means to me so again. Thank You. i hope me drawins can show a fraction of my gratitude

[waywardstation]

May I share a small idea?

You could use the poll as some sort of list for some future WIP Wednesdays. The most popular choice is first and then the next in line comes on the next Wednesday when you got the time and so on.

It could save you plenty of time to prepare something and may lessen the pressure a little!

Obviously it’s up to you but I’m leaving the suggestion here for you to think about.

Hope you’re having a good time and remember to stay hydrated and take care of yourself~!

Oh this is a fantastic idea!! I think I will do this!! (Though I am hoping at least three of the options on there will be going up within the next several weeks, all of them are so so close to completion!!)

I will do this though!! Thank you very much for the suggestion friend, it’s a great idea!!

#i think I realize now why it’s taking so long to get all my fics out and why WIPs keep getting backed up #I have been going back and rewriting the initial chapters of HFBE #my earlier work is not my current writing style #and I know that is obvious #but I will flat out say it’s different because my earlier work was lazier #I remember telling myself all the time not to stress about my writing so much because with Uni I did not have the time to do that #so I’d post work even if I wasn’t happy with how it was #otherwise I’d never get any work out #but now I look at my current writing #and I feel like at least it’s more coherent #and more thought and work is put into it #and I am more proud of my current writing than my earlier writing by a longshot #but that’s coming at the price of almost paralyzing scrutiny #as it’s holding me up from posting #I’ve leaned a little too far into it #and I’ve begun to find a balance where I can move on while still criticizing my own writing and adjusting it a little better #work has been moving more consistently again on them #so I’m expecting that when I do finish my WIPs for posting #it’s going to be a lot at once #(does not help that so many of these fics are all tied to each other and I want to post all the connecting fics in between larger chapters #of my multi-chapter fics #haha)

[astriiformes]

Talked about this with the counselor I've been seeing at school earlier today but my intense, desperate need to leave a mark on the world (not even in a fame way, in like a "I need to leave this place better than I found it in a big, tangible way" one) and the fact that I only value myself when I feel like I'm adding good to it paired with the fact that I've been an insane perfectionist since I was a very young child and tear myself to shreds and lose all my confidence over tiny mistakes is literally going to kill me some day

#had been thinking about applying for a leadership position in our university ostem chapter for a while now #but psyched myself out of it last night before applications closed #because with everything that's gone wrong in the student group i was involved in this year i no longer trust myself to be a good leader #or frankly even a good person #i also had a slightly soul-crushing talk with a professor yesterday about my grade in her class #because even though she clearly thinks i'm brilliant (and basically said as much) i missed like two weeks of class #specifically because something happened with another student who i know i managed to make upset #(on accident. but it seems like she found my apology wanting) #and i feel so awful about it that i decided the only way to handle this was to avoid her so i didn't make her uncomfortable #so now my grade is suffering in a class i could've gotten an 'A' in #and it's just like. what am i even doing #i care so much about making the world a better place but i feel like such a bad person and trying makes it worse #and i know i'm under no obligation to put myself through this kind of stress but i don't know how to value myself if i don't #lately i feel like i'm beating myself up for being too fragile and unstable to even make a good martyr #and i know it's not healthy but if i try to step back i just get sad #like how now i feel awful about not sending in that application. and at least half dozen other similar things #i just want to make a real impact but it feels like the only thing i'm good for is making things worse #i'm not even fun to be around most days. i'm just.... sad

[mars-ipan]

overcoming anxiety (through practicing the things that scare you) is so interesting. i used to be horrified of taking up space or alerting other people of my presence. now i'm compelled to tell strangers i like their outfits or hair or earrings- on bad days i tell maybe a quarter of them. do i still overthink it? absolutely. but i call attention to myself to tell someone else my opinion. and with the way they tend to smile and tell me "thank you!" i'm pretty sure it's taken to heart.

i used to be horrified of making phone calls as well. this is one i'm still getting over- i just Don't Like Doing It. i used to have a phone call routine that i still joke about- realize i need to call someone, cry, avoid it for a few days, suck it up, write a script, memorize the script, cry again, final script read, make the call with the script in front of me. and i would be Exhausted by the end of it. i don't cry when i need to call people anymore. i'm even needing scripts less and less- i've found out that people actually won't kill me if i talk a little too fast or stumble on my words. i doubt i'll ever like making phone calls- i especially hate robots (i'm afraid they'll mishear me and direct me wrong or a person will suddenly show up and i won't be prepared)- but i can make them now.

i get overwhelmed really easy. just a thing that happens to me. my brain is really really good at taking one task and breaking it up into thousands of little tasks and it feels like i'm drowning. if i try to make it fewer larger tasks then it starts to feel insurmountable. i was completely lost on how to deal with this (other than avoid until you get that panic attack and can do work in the post-catharsis calm until 6:00 AM) until one night when my dad (who i often meet late at night due to overlapping mental illness symptoms) asked me how to eat an elephant. i looked at him, confused, and he said "one bite at a time." that was way more effective than any other analogy i've seen has been. "light at the end of a tunnel"- i don't feel like i'm moving forward, i feel like i'm scaling a wall. "steps on a trail"- i can see my destination, but it feels impossible to move forward. but eating an elephant? that sums it up perfectly. this huge task which seems impossible at a glance. but it must be done. so you eat the elephant, a bite at a time. every time i'm overwhelmed i repeat that phrase to myself. it hasn't made any major changes yet, but it keeps me calm enough to start before i hit the panic attack, which i'll take.

i was such a perfectionist growing up- i actually thought it was a good thing (school always taught me to strive for perfection). but it made me scared to try new things- if i wasn't immediately good at them, then it clearly wasn't for me. i'm still not great at starting new hobbies, but i try a lot of new things within the hobbies i already have. i test out different ways of making art, i try new puzzle games i don't understand, etc. and the feeling of steady improvement reminds me that i don't need to be good right away. some of the most satisfying moments don't come from immediately being good- they come from achieving that skill over time. i'd like to try to learn to sew soon.

idk it's interesting. i rewire my own brain's fear response by doing the Horrifying Thing enough times for me to understand that no i will not die. and while i'm doing it it feels like nothing is changing. i get so stressed every time- it can actually take a lot out of me (turns out fight-or-flight burns a lot of energy). but i look back at then vs. now and i realize how far i've come, and i can't help but think "huh. neat"

#marzi speaks #this post has no point. i am simply thinking out loud #i think understanding the root of where the anxiety comes from helps a lot too #like. my mom feels most secure when she's in control #she doesn't like situations in which she can't control how she responds or what happens when she does #it makes her feel helpless. and that's how her GAD affects her #it's also why her fear response is 'fight'- she stress-cleans and expresses authority because those are things she can control #it's a self-soothing technique #but for me it's different. i'm most at ease when i know where i am and what's going on #this could be for plenty of reasons. i'm bad at directions and time blind so i feel lost easily #i had to learn to do a lot of things by myself growing up because my brother needed a bit of extra attention #my parents used to sometimes forget to tell me about things- i wouldn't know we were going somewhere until they asked me if i was ready #or even just that i was always surrounded by so much information and i love learning with my whole heart #when i can't know what will happen next or why something's happening in the first place i get disoriented and frightened #i don't need to have a say in what will happen. i just need to know. then i can roll with the punches #this is why MY fear responses are flight and freeze #i self-isolate because i know environments like my room and my mind #other people are unpredictable. i know what i will do #i like puzzles because they're something i can learn and figure out. once i understand it's a matter of patterns #and they take my mind off of the unknown i'm worried about #my mom will engage in a lot of conflict behavior. i engage in a lot of avoidant behavior #yes this caused arguments growing up lmao. i'd be freaking out abt smth and she'd be confused as to why i wasn't just going and fixing it #or she'd be freaking out abt smth and i'd be confused as to why she didn't try to just get all the facts #but we're better communicators abt that now teehee #it's interesting though. we have the same illness (generalized anxiety disorder) and are similar in a lot of ways #but because our root fears are different our responses to them are different #this could also be learned #my mom grew up poor and didn't get to do a lot- she worked her ass off to have financial freedom #i grew up comfortable with every question i asked entertained by two very smart parents. when a question can't be answered i feel dissonant #it's probably a bit of both in some cyclical manner. still nifty to think about

[wickedhawtwexler]

going into nanowrimo with no outline and a project i'm not taking very seriously was the smartest choice i've ever made. it's day 4 and my story has already gone completely off the rails. every scene i'm like "what's the wildest thing that could happen right now?" and i just go for it. my characters just tore a hole in the space-time continuum. this thing is complete nonsense and i'm having a blast!!!

#i said this project was inspired by lost and i COMMITTED #my goal for nanowrimo was to focus more on connecting with writing as something that's fun and creative #bc i feel like the last few months i've been way too focused on finishing things and making things GOOD and i've been stressing myself out #like i'm just writing this project for fun! i can think about cleaning it up and doing something with it later if it want #right now the only goal i have for this project is to Write As Much As Possible and out-write all my previous nanowrimos #m.txt #nanowrimo