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rosaline-kei · 5 years

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The Grief Of Mikasa Ackerman.

Disclaimer:I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin / Attack on Titan nor its characters.

Synopsis/Summary: Mikasa Ackerman reflects back to the past when she pays a visit to the cemetery, remembering all the joyful times she had with her dearest friends, Armin Arlert and Eren Jaeger who had unfortunately succumbed to The Titan's curse—leaving the world, leaving Mikasa. (Mostly written in Mikasa's Perspective.) ((Contains some Manga Spoilers))

Rating: T

FF NET

AO3

— — —

Death.

I didn't expect death to come and take the both of you so soon. Even when it was revealed that shifters like the two of you had less than 10 years to live, I remained in partial denial about that. Even after the war, when there was still time I had with the both of you in the peaceful land where the walls no longer confined us, I thought that time we had left would be long enough—or just enough. I was wrong, very wrong.

Five or so years later, and I am still not over it. I am still in pain. Yes, I am gradually getting better, but that emptiness still remains, and the darkness clouding my mind and even senses still comes and goes.

Eren... Armin…—I miss you. I miss the both of you so much.

— — —

Dear Armin.

I miss you. When Eren left the world, a part of mine had as well. But, the other part was still there. You were still there. You were still there for me, you pulled me out of the darkness and taught me how to live happily again… just like how someone had, a long time back.

… I am sorry. Although I had apologised to you about this many times before, I still don't think that it is ever enough. I am sorry that I didn't help you out of your own darkness. You were Eren's friend too, you were in pain too. How could I have forgotten about that? I'm sorry. You reassured me that it was okay, that you didn't mind being the only one who played the role of a comforter in our friendship. But you never told me the reason why. Did you really think I wouldn't be able to remember? Did you think that I would've forgotten? I remember and I know that in a few years' time, you… would be gone too.

That's why it didn't matter to you. That's why you were so worried about me rather than yourself. You were afraid that I would feel like I have no one when there was still some people around me. Why, Armin? Why? Even till the end, you were still so kind to me. I was selfish, I should have comforted you more after Eren's death. You were selfish, for taking the role of being the only comforter when you had needed solace too.

I recall… when Eren told me that I was like a slave, that he had hated me since we were kids. And you had stood up for me while I remained in tears, in denial and in shock. You punched him in the face, something that I didn't expect for you to do. Then, he punched you back. It was painful to watch, I hate myself for being so frozen, to be unable to retaliate or stop the both of you from continuing the violent aggressive acts. I'm sorry that you got hurt because of me.

When the tensions had calmed after the war, I asked you about that—why you had stood up for me even though you knew the risks of getting beaten up—you only gave me a smile, which followed with unexpected laughter as you said:

"You always protected me from the bullies when we were kids. Even when Eren had got too angry at me for no good reasons, you stood up for me as well. I always wanted to return the favour. I wanted to protect my friend. I wanted to protect you."

I think I had nearly cried when you told me that.

I still remember the times when we were kids. When we first met, I remembered the awkward atmosphere between the both of us considering at that point of time, we were just Eren's friends—not the friends of each other. At most, we were just acquaintances then who were only connected because of Eren… but that was only in the beginning. Though, as some time went by when we were kids, before the fall of the wall, I began to enjoy your presence. I began to understand you more.

You were no longer just Eren's friend, you were mine too.

I still remember that day. Eren was sick, and his mother made me go out of the house so I can get fresh air and avoid getting his illness as well. I had insisted that I wanted to stay, so I could help take care of him. But of course, his mother didn't allow that— and I'm thankful, in a way. If she hadn't chased me out of the house, would I have still been able to connect with you—to be friends with you?

Though, when I saw you, I came across an unsettling scene between you and those rowdy bullies.

After I rescued you, we sat against a tree. You thanked me, I nodded in response—and the silence began. Eren wasn't there to stir up any conversation, and I didn't know what to say. But then, you broke the silence. I am still able to recall what you said. You began talking about how awkward we both were without Eren— and I hadn't expect for you to be so confrontational and direct back then. Regardless of the fact that you tried to initiate a conversation, I still didn't know what to say in response. But you did. You continued to talk and talk—about the outside world, about the ocean, the life beyond the walls. It was nothing new, you had told all these before to both me and Eren.

But, even when you kept re-telling these things, I never got bored… maybe it was because of the sparkle in your eyes that only ever appeared whenever you were ever so joyously exclaiming your dreams and hopes of travelling beyond the walls—the outside world.

I don't think I ever told you that— on how I liked your eyes sparkled with such innocence and excitement.

When I still remained silent, only giving nods when necessary, you gave up the conversation, ending it with a nervous and awkward sigh. I hadn't expected to feel so… guilty and dissatisfied. I didn't know why, even though I heard your stories over and over, I wanted to hear more. And I had felt bad of not keeping the conversation going just because I wanted you to talk more and more, so I can see those sparkling eyes.

Maybe you didn't notice this, but you always found new words and new things to describe about the ocean you spoke of. And your eyes always sparkle in the same way, yet they were always interesting and never got old.

They were always beautifully mesmerizing.

Then, I decided to start talking even though I still didn't know what to say that wouldn't bore you. Unlike you, I had no knowledge of the outside world, all my life I only knew about the land that we were confined in. So, all I could share was about the farm-like life I led before those brutal inhuman animals stole it away from me. Then, your eyes sparkled differently—they were excited and intrigued in me, my stories. I was surprised, of the fact that you had actually found my plain and ordinary farm-like life on the hills interesting.

We continued to chit and chat, and even played some games and so on. Needless to say, that was the beginning of our friendship.

… You know, Armin. I wished I could see that sparkle in your eyes once more. All I saw during the last few moments I had with you was nothing like that.

After witnessing the ocean with my own eyes, your eyes began to remind me of them. The ocean blue—its colour was the same as your fascinating orbs. I remember, the first day we visited the ocean after Eren left… just the two of us. You gifted me a seashell crafted bracelet that I still wear to this date—that I still treasure dearly.

"It's a reminder that I will forever be with you, too. Even when…" You had said, trailing off. Now, you were the one who didn't know what to say… or rather, you knew what to say—but you didn't want to hurt me. That was my wake-up call, my reminder that you were going to leave too. Now, it was my eyes that were like the ocean—actually, no. Rather, it was more of a flood or a flowing river.

On your last day, when you were having your last breaths… your eyes were no longer the reassuring and soothing blue that the ocean showed, they were dull and greyish—like how storm clouds would be before a sea-storm would erupt.

I miss you. I want to go to the ocean with you and Eren again. I want to enjoy the cooling breeze one more time with the both of you.

Granted, now times are more peaceful especially after Historia took her throne. She is a great queen. However, my heart is unable to find true peace. Is that selfish for me to say? Is that unfair for me to say? I just feel… I…

I just miss you, even till now I am unable to fully understand my emotions. They are an annoyingly complex thing.

But… don't worry about me. I still remember the promise I made with you before you left. I plan to keep it, Eren's too. That's the least I can do... right? I promised you that I wouldn't join you or Eren too soon.

It's okay. I'm… okay. I still have Jean, Historia, Connie, Sash—…

I still have Jean, Historia and Connie. We hang out every now and then… though it's a little hard to find a manageable time with Historia's responsibilities and all.

…I hope this doesn't sound rude, but it just feels... different, with them. Yes, I'm thankful for their company. Yes, I enjoy their company. But it is just different without you and Eren. I want all of us to hang out again. I imagine Eren childishly quarrelling with Jean, while you and I, Connie, Sasha and even Historia would watch at the side-lines, making quiet jokes. Knowing Sasha and Connie, they'd probably make ridiculous side bets…

I want all of us to be together again.

You were always the smartest, the bravest amongst all of us. Ask Eren, he would agree. You don't realize this, but you saved me many times—too many times to even count or list down. Armin, Thank you.

I want to live on so that I can remember you, the both of you. I'm not going to lie—it is hard. Some days… I do question myself if it is even worth it anymore. But I made promises. I plan to keep them.

I'm also sorry, for those times that I treated you differently from Eren. I don't recall if I ever told you this, but there was a reason why I never hovered around you as much as I had with Eren. It is not because I prefer him. That was never that reason. Unlike Eren, you were never reckless. You always thought twice, which saved you and many others from dire and deathly situations. I was confident in your abilities to live, to survive. So when I saw your body… all burnt up on the rooftop, I nearly lost it—no. I did, in fact lost it. I didn't care about the law or orders. I just wanted you to be saved. I didn't care about the consequences, you meant so much and too much to me.

… I don't even know what else I can say. I just wish you could respond. I wish I could hug you. I wish I could see you one last time.

Armin…I am sorry. I am thankful—thank you. You're my best and close friend and I…

I miss you.

— — —

Dear Eren.

I miss you. When you first left, I didn't know what to do. I was lost. I lost you… and it hurt.

I don't know how many times I thought I had lost you back in our fighting days, but that hurt cannot be compared to how I feel now… because unlike before, I now know that there is no chance of you coming back… you can't.

But there was one exception, where this feelings of loss could be compared.

I remember that day, when you claimed to have hated me since childhood and had made remarks of how I am a slave, because I was an Ackerman. I felt so distraught, so pained… the agony I felt then was indescribable—as it is now, as well. I thought I had lost you, not physically but… emotionally.

To have someone who had a place in my heart for so long say that was… excruciating. To have someone who had a place in my heart to practically shatter it, was gut-wrenching.

Even though you were faking what you said in the end, that hurt never fully left. I don't know why. I had forgiven you after you had apologised that that you had to insult me in order for your plan of peace to carry on—to which, succeeded. You had to say all that, to ensure Armin and I would…

I don't even want to think about it, I'm sorry for bringing it up now. All that matters now is that we are free…we are at peace. Right…?

"I'm sorry for saying all those things back then. I didn't mean it. I had to say it because…"

You apologised when the war was done and settled. Armin and I forgave you by the end of that long conversation. So… why do I still feel hurt by what you said?

Maybe… maybe that hurt never left because after you said that, I began to realise how what you said was possibly true… since I was always hovering over you. And the insecure part of me—that I barely showed to anyone— believed that maybe that there was some truth in that supposed lie you spoke of. It's silly, I know.

I don't know what to think or feel… or how to even do such things. If I had more time to talk to you, maybe that insecurity would've been diminished… I barely had any time left with you by the time the war ended. It's unfair.

Though… I'm sorry. I am sorry for hovering over you, for being too protective. You… Eren… you were always reckless. Whenever you had a goal or an aim, you never hesitated to charge straight towards it regardless of the consequences or the risks that you'd knowingly take without a second thought. That worried me. That scared me.

Granted, I admired your courage… but the courage you showed was so perilous, dangerous. It always attracted unwanted conversations, unwanted people and unwanted conflicts.

I am sorry if I ever went too far to protect you. I knew that I could be clingy, I knew that you were annoyed at me for that—sometimes even enraged whenever I would put you or any close ones before myself. That was just a small price to pay to ensure your safety.

I wanted you to live a long and happy life, the same goes for Armin. I wanted the both of you to survive by the end of this… but I guess, happy endings aren't always possible.

The time I had left with you was so short, too short. But… I enjoyed it. I made the most out of it. You, Armin and I went to the ocean to have… fun, acting as if we were all immature, innocent kids once again.

I made the most out of it… I enjoyed it… but it was never enough.

Time went by, and soon it was days before you had to leave the world… then, Armin would follow. What a… cruel world, it even took Sasha.

You were growing weak, I could tell. No matter how hard you tried to disguise it, you couldn't hide the fact that you were growing weak— that your energy was beginning to deplete. I had grew up with you Eren, I had been by your side… how could I have not notice someone dear to me beginning to fade right before my eyes?

I was reminded of how the world is too much of a cruel place.

I remembered that when that day was approaching, you brought Armin away to a secluded area to have a farewell talk… I wonder what you told him that you couldn't have said in front of all of us. It didn't bother me though, whatever you said to him in private, after all… you two had a strong bond that I could never interfere with.

And then, when your closing day drew closer, it was my turn to be brought to another secluded area in the forest to have a little personal talk with you. Commander Hanji and Captain Levi told you to rest, yet you persisted. You could barely walk, yet you insisted. When we were walking to that secluded area, I kept thinking: What was so important that you had to bring me all the way out here? What did you want to say to me that you only wanted me to hear?

"Mikasa… I am sorry, for everything… and thank you."

You started off with that. It wasn't even ten words, yet it was enough to cause me to begin to shed woebegone tears. You still had some time… a little time. Yet, why did it sound like you were just going to disappear immediately right before my eyes? I wasn't ready for you to leave so early.

I was never ready.

It felt like yesterday when we were still kids confined within the walls, making the most out of anything. Do you remember the times we spent whenever the bullies were never there to pester us? Those were the most fun times. No troubles, just peace and laughter. It was just the three of us, being kids.

Unfortunately, we had no choice but to grow up fast, too fast. It was unfair—it is unfair. The world is unfair and cruel—but I guess I can't keep blaming the world like that, because it can be… beautiful, sometimes. I just wish we had more time. Time flies too fast, doesn't it? I guess, I just have to accept that—it's not like I can travel back into time.

Now, with the limited time you had then, I knew I had to make the most out of it. I wanted to go back to those days—not literally, but figuratively. Which, we did—we went to the ocean again, the three of us… remember?

As we strolled in the forest to the secluded area you were taking me to, we talked, and talked… and I began to realise how weak your voice even was. I grew even more worried that you might've just collapsed mid-way in our conversation. You noticed this, you noticed my worry. Then, you unwrapped the red scarf around me. I froze, my tears paused. I was caught off guard, shocked and confused.

"I can't believe you still wear this…" You had said. If it weren't for what you said next, my heart would've probably cracked more.

"But now, I understand why…" You had murmured as you re-wrapped it around my neck in the same messy, odd yet beautiful way you did during the first time. I wonder if you had did that on purpose for nostalgia's sake, or if you still didn't know how to wrap scarves around others. "While I still have the strength… let me wrap this scarf around you… And then, I will wrap it around you as many times as you want when we meet again."

After you said that, I began to burst out crying. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it. Was I being too much of an annoying cry-baby…? I don't know. It was just painfully heart-warming.

But what you did next, warms my heart. And every time I think of it… every time I remember it, it does briefly erase the hurt I feel about what you said back then—about hating me since we were children. Unfortunately that hurt, and that worry comes back after when my grief begins to overwhelm me. That… is still a battle that I am fighting. I ensure you though, I won't give up. If I want to live and win, I have to fight… right? You taught me that.

Your arms had reached out, and pulled me in for as much of a tight embrace you could provide. Your arms wrapped around me as I sobbed into your chest even more. It felt too much of a goodbye and farewell, too soon. What you did next, though, was much more of a surprise. You pulled away from the embrace just a little, before planting a light reassuring kiss on my forehead. I remember how my heart raced, I remember how that felt, how I felt. And till today, I do not understand that emotion.

What was I feeling when you did that? I don't know, and now I would never know.

"This isn't farewell or a goodbye," You whispered softly, "It's a 'see you next time'"

But I guess that's okay. That was enough.

The world can be beautiful place too.

That little peck of yours was perhaps just a display of thankfulness… Oh, Eren…

I should be the one thanking you.

Thank you for always being at my side. Thank you for showing me how to live with purpose. Thank you… for wrapping this scarf around me.

For everything, thank you.

I... I… what else do I have to say…? I don't know. I just… wish I could talk to you one last time. I wish I could see you again soon.

But, I know, I know… I made a promise to you during our walk in the forest—to live for myself.

I will admit, I am still fighting… some days are dark and painful… but there are still people who are here, who are helping me—and I'm helping them as much as I can whenever I can, whenever they need comfort too.

Eren…

I miss you.

— — —

Dearests, Armin and Eren.

I miss the both of you.

Truly, thank you to the both of you. I am sorry if I ever hurt you.

Slowly, I think I'm getting better… these days, Jean says I smile more genuinely. He misses you two too, even if he doesn't like to admit it. Connie and Historia too.

That short—… maybe I should address him more formerly now. You two always looked fearful or bothered whenever I would call him that whenever he was around. Captain Levi, he gave me some advice… a talk. He suffered through loss a lot, and assured me things would get better before giving me some coping methods. Of course, he assured me in a very indirect way. He was never one to express his care so openly. I remember that day when I first saw him smile after he had gotten punched by Historia, it shocked and even weirded me out. Putting that aside, I'm thankful for his advice. It helped.

Oh, and I would sometimes bump into Commander Hanji too. She would pay visits to us every now and then, or we would bump into one another around the cemetery and make small, comforting talks. Back in our military days, we were never that close… yet she seemed like an older sister to me whenever we talked.

We all have lost people that we love that we will never get back.

If you two are wondering about the events that are currently happening in my life, rest assured… its nothing new from all the other life updates I have told the two of you before.

Oh… but I did visit the ocean alone recently, I walked around its sandy shores before strolling over to the edge to let the waves hit me. It was refreshing. It was only when the sky began to darken as the sun set, I then noticed the long amount of time I had spent lingered around the coast—as if I was hoping to find something that was lost… and then I came to the realisation that that 'something' was never coming back.

It just isn't the same without the two of you, there.

…

I miss the both of you so much.

Armin… Eren…

The both of you will always have a place in my heart. I love the both of you... forever and ever... even after the end.

— — —

Mikasa heaved a heavy sigh before she gently placed down two mixed bouquets of flowers—lilies, orchids, blue irises, roses, alstroemeria, purple hyacinths, bellflowers and any other flowers she could find around town— on both Eren's and Armin's grave before murmuring a soft blessing to the both of them.

She wondered what they were doing now. She wondered if she would ever see them again, whether it be heaven, hell or a next life. She hoped she would.

"Mikasa, are you coming?" A voice called. She turned to meet Jean's eyes, before seeing some others looking towards her direction. Historia, Connie, Commander Hanji, Captain Levi and some other recruits—they had come to pay a visit to those who did not have the chance to stand with and next to them now—to those who could only be alive in their hearts.

"I'll join you all soon." Mikasa replied gently, a small smile spreading across her lips.

The others, knowing that she wanted to be alone, gave an understanding nod before they left. When they were out of her sight, she sat down in front of their graves as she brought her legs up to her knees, hugging them closely to her chest.

Tears began to fog in her eyes before she even knew it. She missed them. She missed Eren and Armin—Sasha as well, whom she had visited her grave earlier, giving the same blessings and flowers… feeling the same amount of grief.

The raven took a deep breath, fighting through her sobs and parts her lips to say something… yet nothing came out.

She didn't know what to say. She had too many things to say. All she could do was cry. Pathetic, she thought helplessly.

Then, she felt a relatively strong gust of wind blowing by, it felt soothing, it felt reassuring.

It reminded her of the gentleness of the ocean breeze blowing past her smooth silky raven hair when she was splashing water towards both Armin and Eren back then in their little childish game of a water fight.

She parted her lips once again, sniffs as tears continued to caress down her cheeks and says, "Till we meet again."

She had too much to convey that she would rather tell them directly, when it would be her time to go—the right time. For now, all she could do was keep her promise to the both of them.

Live.

— — —

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