#fuck my life i hate this brain so much

[crippling-disgust]

every day of my life last five years i've spent pretending to be normal, looked everyone in the eye hiding the guilt and the shame and the depth of my depravity, covering hideous tendencies with a thick veil of well-woven lies, a façade so reliable and solid that i believed it myself. i decided it's a part of me, that there is nothing behind that veil, below that carpet, i may as well lean on it and feel the coarse texture of plaster on the wall, rest my head and sense the cold ceramic tiles coating the floor. and i do. and they bear my weight loyally, sometimes slightly bending under the pressure, if the temperature's jumping and the underground waters play with the house's foundation. i feel almost safe in my sanity, protected, unstained. but every once in a while comes the fearful kiss from reality, red lines crawl out of my carpet, as the wall i'm clawing at dissipates under my nails — showing the fridge filled with heads, hands and black goo everywhere, puppets of various degrees of obscenity, sweaty towels, shards of broken 8 balls, hung plushies, char left from someone's burned grandmother and a taxidermized old man, bits of robots with blood still pouring from their pipe branches, piles upon piles of corpses, yet another head in a microwave... and so much more things i couldn't bear to stop my gaze on.

all these things are stuck in my mind. all of them are always in my mind, no matter how hard i try to ignore them.

and the worst thing, is that i am

i myself am

...i am, too, homestu--

#happy 413 #homestuck #let it be fucking known that i am not even one bit joking #when i learned that tamsin muir is a major homestuck fan and fic author i suffered a three day breakdown #picking apart every single thing i know of the locked tomb trilogy and how it is an oddly specific homestuck reference #and it's like damn trauma flashbacks every single time #ridiculously painful for what it is and just as emotionally saturating #fuck my life i hate this brain so much

[dzzystrs]

artists rendition of an interaction during my shift yesterday

#spent too much time on this girl help. i hate gifs. #transformers animated #tfa #tfa blurr #blurr #maccadam #stars scribbles #anywys this hasbeen an ongoing thing my whole life ppl telling me i talk so fast #but ever since i reawoke tfa interest and realized i kinned blurr. i think abt him every fucking time now. like a horrible parasite in my #brain

[sciderman]

Sometimes i remember a comics moment i randomly came across somewhere, where Sam Wilson mentiones a musical and Steve Rodgers says he doesn't like musicals, to whitch Sam goes "Guess that means you really are straight" and even tho i don't care about Cap America or the Avengers, the moment stuck in me for that quote by Sam. And like....Sci, any ideas if straight men actually don't like musicals or is that bullshit?

actually i think i know more gay men who hate musicals than i know straight men who hate musicals. i've had a drag queen stop me point blank when i was about to sing a barbra streisand song, and i know so many gays who pointedly hate abba. so based on my experience i think the inverse is true. most of the straight men i know are kind of impartial about musicals, but gay men? hate.

my theory is that a lot of gay men don't want to fall into stereotypes, maybe. but thaaaaat's just a theory! a gay theory.

#sci speaks #i'm trying to understand the gays. they are a mystery to me. #i've seen a lot more toxic masculinity coming from gay men than i have from straight men. #i think it makes sense. they have less women in their lives. so they reckon with a lot more masculinity. more dick measuring. #also gay men have some of THE most unhealthy romantic relationships i've ever seen in my life. #this isn't a blanket statement on everyone but just from what i've seen. it's such a strange pattern i've observed. #lesbians? healthy. straights? usually healthy. gay men? universally a tire fire that makes me say “if you hate each other so much ??” #“why are you together??????????” #i have never met a cis gay mlm couple in real life that was healthy. every single one of them made my eyes widen in horror. #i want them to be healthy. please treat each other better. #the number of bitchy bitchy fights i've seen between mlm couples in public that make me so terrified #but i know mlm relationships in general are usually less... affectionate than wlw relationships. even and especially friendships. #just an observation. #i hate to say that there is a definite difference between amab vs afab experiences when it comes to relationship dynamics but. #of course there is. there is. as much as i want to say gender and sex do not matter. it really does. #it makes a difference. it does. #which is kind of why i'm glad i was born in the body i was. when people say “trans means you feel you were born in the wrong body” #im like.. i don't think that's true. i don't think that's true for me. #i wouldn't be me if i wasn't born the way i was. and i want to be me. but i'm a boy. i'm a boy but in the body that i have. #my body is still a boy's body. because i live in here. #sorry this went off on a tangent. #but yeah i know my brain would be different if i was amab. and i don't want all those other issues. #i think the only reason i'm so peaceful and serene is because i'm afab. and afabulous. #i see cis guys and im like.. yeah i don't want what you got. #once again! lucky to be me! i'm lucky. im lucky i have a vargooba. thank fuck for that! #couldve been so much worse off. could've been born with a dick and would be fighting for my life right now.

[monstersinthecosmos]

not for anything but friendly reminder that ~fandom discourse~ about where women belong (or people you perceive as women) is misogynistic as fuck. or what they're allowed to say, or what they're allowed to write about, or what they're allowed to enjoy.

next time you see someone having a tantrum and vaguing, especially if their posts from week to week completely contradict each other, perhaps analyze if the common denominator is "a gross woman said something and now i'm mad" without otherwise adhering to any actual principles.

#like i wonder if someone consistently preaches that we need to respect each other's headcanons #but they are specifically bothered by women & people they assume are women #and they keep specifically complaining about how ANNOYING GIRLS are the ones with such STUPID ideas #if maybe that person is just a fucking misogynist LMAO #and maybe we shouldn't give them the time of day :) #but what do i know lol im just a dumb girl with my dumb girl brain #anyway sorry guys i hate posting vagues i think it's really immature but like how much of this do we fucking tolerate #and can you please stop reblogging him bc tumblr's block & mute functions are terrible #if i'm not vague about it does it still count as a vague? #i hate public drama but like he didn't want to resolve it in private either and won't shut the fuck up haha sorry #but i also fucking hate bullies so #:) #also in b4 fandom clique conspiracies start floating around #if you act like a misogynist dickhead and get blocked by a bunch of people #it's not a cabal of mean girls ganging up on you #maybe you're the problem lol #knock it the fuck off aren't you tired of this it's been a year man #get a life.

[v7n5]

Feel like pure shit, just want a smutty multi-chapter Howard Hamlin fanfic that recounts the many secret sexual affairs that he has had with different people throughout the course of his life, most of which he sought out to recompense for the lack of intimacy in his marriage because both him and Cheryl were iron-closeted and only got married out of familial pressures (things took a turn for the worse after the fight that ended with Howard moving into the guest house). Ultimately, none of them could fulfill his wants and needs because they're all cold and distant in their own ways: there were the handsome strangers he met at some gay bar like Nacho who were emotionally unavailable and only wanted to dick and dash like they're in denial themselves; Jimmy whom he was smitten with and trusted to be able to keep a secret, but it didn't take him long to realize that Jimmy being selfish and cruel and rougher than Howard had liked and not paying any mind to Howard's own pleasure in bed was his way of getting back at him for being a jackass of a boss; Chuck whom he'd got especially close with ever since he was still studying pre-law, so close that he would make up any excuse to be alone with him and suck him off in his office from time to time to seduce his mentor because the daddy issues that had been developing throughout his father-absent youth came to fruition the moment a wiser and older man gave him a sliver of attention, Chuck allowed him to live out his fantasy but never reciprocated in that sense but they remained really good friends, hence Howard's desperation for his approval and affection and the idea of "I still have a chance" kept brewing in his mind even when he could see Rebecca out of the corner of his eye (the incident at the end of ss3 scarred him for life and talking about the intimate details of their relationship before it in therapy did not help). The latter half of 607 didn't happen because he decided that he was in fact the bigger person and the right thing to do was to drink himself into reflecting back on his life choices and wallowing in his own self-pity. Though he didn't storm Mcwexler's condo, the whole ordeal was still his Joker moment, so he put his foot down, got a divorce and resigned from his CEO position because fuck you, he deserves to do that. And maybe after a year or so, he met a certain Salamanca who got out of a certain shoot-out unscathed (haven't determined if Howard happened to stumbled into El Michoacáno or he went back to the gay bar), their chemistry was through the roof, they bonded over the loss of families/ lovers and "being a nepo baby is oh so hard", their romance blossomed because Lalo was textbook definition of charming and exactly Howard's type. One date led to another, and Howard ended up getting the best pipe he'd ever had while trying to hold back the tears stemmed from indescribable emotions. Would Howard find out who Lalo actually was? Would it matter? Would they last? Those are problems for future them.

Like literally that's all I want tbh.

#howard hamlin #He's my girl. My fucking princess. #Idc like he's still rightfully owed a soft dom who's gonna take good care of him and appreciate him #(as much as I feen for power bottom Howard) #The slutification of this middle-aged man HAS to be riddled with angst or else I'll die #1 of the worst things that could ever happen to me is getting ideas that I think are good but cannot for the life of me do anything about it #That and becoming a **** ****** but we're not trauma dumping today #Being a bilingual with an English-leaning brain is not the W that people made it out to be #Honestly Nacho came into the picture when I was deadass half unconscious. I was like 'Ariana what are you doing here???' #But it's hot. And I kinda wanted Nachoward to win a bit #I also wanted to squeeze Gus in there too but in my head it'd be an 'admirer from afar' type of deal. Like Howard would have a crush on him- #-but decided against making a move cuz he would think Gus is out of his league or sth #This is essentially a Howard x everyone who I think could be compatible with him fanfic #For clarification. Cheryl and Howard don't hate each other. if anything they're each other's emotional support system #But I feel like there's only so much pretense you can put up you know #And yes. Lalo and Nacho were in love there. #Ok I've got it all out there now. Time for me to go marinate in shame #nacho varga #jimmy mcgill #chuck mcgill #lalo salamanca #better call saul

[fishofthewoods]

Yknow it does irritate me a little that after the Emperor reveal in act 3 your only mean dialogue options are about him being a mind flayer. Let me bully this guy for being a piece of shit not for being illithid. I don’t distrust him because he’s not human i distrust him because he’s a lying manipulative motherfucker. LET ME BE MEAN TO HIM WITHOUT BEING FANTASY RACIST LARIAN

#My hatred for the emperor genuinely knows no bounds #I fuckingg hate him so much. He’s my archenemy. He’s such a motherfucker. #That one scene where you go into the prism and you have a dialog option to say you only want a dreamless sleep #And WITHOUT FUCKINH CONSULTING YOU at ALL. That bastard FUCKS WITH YOUR BRAIN #AND KNOCKS YOU OUT FOR 8 HOURS. #WHO SAID HE COULD DO THAT????? CAUSE I SURE FUCKING DIDNT #I haven’t finished the game yet but I swear to god if you can’t kill that bastard once you don’t need him to live. #If you don’t get to kick him in his slimy fucking tentacles. I will die in real life. #Larian let me kill the emperor . Please. Come on man. #bg3 #lich says shit #Bg3 spoilers

[belleandsaintsebastian]

.

#arfghgghg i just need to get over this stupid. health anxiety its fucking. ruining my life i literally think i'm going to die from (insert #random symptom) like every day its insane and i hate the way it gets worse when i've just finished like. a big project at uni or my stress #levels over something have dramatically dropped and suddenly my brain is like :) let's invent something for u to worry about.... #i fucking!!!!!!!HATE OCD so much. anyways going 2 the doctor this week 2 get smth #checked out. i'm freaking out a bit but!!! i dont even know i feel so stupid all the time aghhhhhh i wish i could just. stop feeling this #constant state of dread and anxiety and a need to constantly be occupied by stuff or i'll just die or something idk ://

[berryblu-soda]

local silly goofer was seething with rage and dumped it all in the tags, read at your own risk :3 <- personal stuff, wrote this after the tags, pretty okay now, just got it out of my system, love yall <3<3<3

#BITE BITE BITE RAGE RAGE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #<- same old same old ITS BEEN A FREAKING WHILE #my dad is so infuriating yall :D #i dont have it in me to hate him but boi? HES TRYING!!!!! #like; do you HEAR YOURSELF??? IS A SINGLE WORD THATS COMING FROM YOUR MOUTH BEING PROCESSED BY YOUR BRAIN???? #YOU PRIDE YOURSELF IN ALWAYS BEING THE SMARTEST ONE IN THE ROOM #sure; intelligence wise; probably; but emotionally? a speck of dust outnumbers you- #WINNING AN ARGUMENT FOR THE SAKE OF BEING RIGHT WITHOUT REGARD FOR ANYONE ELSE- #THINKING EVERYONE SHOULD BE AS COLD AS YOU; AND IF THEYRE NOT; IF GOD FORBID THEY SHOW TOO MUCH EMOTION #THEN PHYSICAL ABUSE IS JUSTIFIED?? #THAT´S NOT A GOOD FUCKING ARGUMENT!!!! #NOT EVERY ARGUMENT HAS TO BE WON; YOU DONT ALWAYS NEED THE UPPER HAND!!!! #the shitty way you were treated and raised should not be my fucking problem and i hope you get therapy about it #and then i´ll regret not being closer to him whenever he dies; but hes making it unmeasurably hard to consider being vulnerable #AGHHH- #this man has never apologized for a single thing is his damn life btw :3! #vent #*inhale* #sorry yall i´m good; just full of rage rn :D! #i spilled a cup of juice at church today and things got waay out of hand lmaoo

[milfspiggy]

god FUCKING damn it i accidentally closed my game without saving i'm going to fucking kill myself

#for some reason after i healed at the pokemon center i just shut off the game #i don't fucking know #i was planning on healing and saving and then quitting #because i'm TIRED and i have so much shit to do before bed!!! #and i have to wake up early tomorrow for my awful fucking job!!! #and my brain just skipped a step and it was the only important one god DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!! #it was like a whole hour i caught two pokémon that i actually needed and was grinding up my stupid ass shitty sableye #sableye is fucking awful by the way it can't handle any sort of a hit #but it doesn't learn mean look until fucking SIXTY????? #that entire time i was grinding i only got two levels #i'm so fucking miserable i hate my life

[machidielontheway]

so i "did nothing" today of what i had planned (groceries, 'mental health walk') but i also : - did the laundry - put away the dry cloth of the previous laundry run - waxed (which i wanted to do yesterday so i'm glad i did it now) - practiced my instrument (twas not great as it was a bit mindless, but i finally found the source of one recent sound problem) - washed my hair - did a little callisthenics - downloaded some songs to begin making a collection - learned that even if i'm not feeling it, putting the right song WILL give me the energy necessary to do the thing. i do not need to want to hear the sound for it to work.

so even if i didn't do a "specific activity" outside i still did things and that's good !

#3615 my life #this post comes from the fact that i always 'ruin / waste' my holidays by doing 'nothing' #when i want to do 'things' #and i'm beginning to see/add nuances to what is things and nothings and what feels like doing or not doing #it was sunny today (as much as it can be lately.) and in general i'm dog holding it's leash about it #and if i don't go out i feel like i shot myself in the foot and is doubly sad #but i thought about it and actually didn't want to go truly it was not uuuh i saw it again lately. it was not demand avoidance #because it's fucking wimdy and i hate the wind and behinf outside in the cold wind #so actually i was much happier home #day did not happen how i planned it but in the end i don't feel like i fucked it up. i did things that made me feel good #and or will help me later #and i shouldn't ask too much of myself. like for cleaning : one thing a day is already great ! all in it's time. #that's how the brain learn it's not a chore and is able to do it more readily and agreeably the next time

[steampoweredskeleton]

Ignore

#delete later #in typical birthday fashion i am now exhausted snd overwhelmed and battling a meltdown #i stubbed my toe and now cant put any fucking weight on it #im exhausted from performing appropriate birthday excitement. i dont think i understand birthdays correctly #to me the only relevance of ppls birthday is that i can show that i care about them and give gifts that make them happy or #spend time with them. other than that its just a day. in my head my birthday is just a day but it's a day rhat im expected to be #ecstatic over. i dont understand that. i spend the day worried im not feeling the correct feelings or displaying them right #and worried bc the normal day routine is broken and im anxious bc i don't know what will happen #too much uncertainty. abd rhat anxiety makes me feel guilty. but at the same time bc to me birthdays are avout showing the #person that you care. if everyone ignored it i would start to assume they dont care. idk how to fix my brain on this #at least its only once a year. plus the whole still being alive at 24 thing freaks me out. so when i inevitably have my #meltdown or shutdown it comes with not fun things #i get the same way at christmas except its slightly more socially acceptable for me to hide at christmas. #meltdowns make me angry abd emotional so i know im being a bitch in my head but logic is hard so im just upset and angry #and confused on how im supposed to feel and act. i fucking hate my brain. #i have ordered good comfort food abd have weighted blanket abd new piercing. life is okay #i dont want to see mu parents this weekend but it will be what it will be. im so fucking tired

[m0e-ru]

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to the day my brain was literally rewired and my gender was being changed by the second SO HERES A GAS STATION SPECIAL before this joint was even a gas station in the FIRST PLACE !!!!

FUCKING FREAK

#kommento #// theres a whole love letter in here dont open these tags it's a readmore equivalent #p4 #⛽️🌫 #moel gas station attendant #tohru adachi #boot.tingting #arttag #// sneak peak before the manager became a manager and only put the uniform on to see how well it would fit and hasnt taken it off since. #// im tearing up because i hate how it's been three years and also i cant find the other notebook so i went through gphotos instead #// also that i miss blorbo so much i miss my old self so much she was so sweet and genuine and the passion and love and everything #// STUPID SEQUENCE OF PHOTOS the way my brain was so fucking rearranged i had to get up and make memes and take screenshots and then #// draw then COME BACK AGAIN to watch the thing that changed my life forever. AGAIN #// sorry was having technical difficluties in yokohama im back istok im normal (affirmation ) #// this is literally all me before i started thinking about myself and wondering about my gender then the dysphoria came rushing in like #// some freshwater spring about to make a waterfall and i had to let it settle and get used to the ecosystem with two more years #// took a month where p4gsteam was booted up and i made my own save at some point and finished it on july 8 #// clasped my hands and had a honeymoon period over. mimi <3 then the day after rolled around and i watched the .chair car adventure #// literally my first p4 doodles were mimi and adachi theres no fucking denying it theyre the og. theyve been with me from the start #// theyre so important to me theyre so personal they made me who i am thats why im so mad with the community i have to share them with #// because theyre all so different from me and i took that personally #// IT'S KOKAY !! look at how far ive gone. this is the biggest archival effort ive ever done my entire life ive grown branches #// farther than ive done before ive put such a variety of skills to use just to make myself food and manage this damn station #// and keep some sort of love alive which was all from me and is still from ME !!! #// crying while writing these tags now sorry okyakusan i'll clean it up soon #// these doodles really explaining my mindset from the start and how the grindset has never really changed at all #// it was all friendship for three years and still will be i love adachi i love gas station attendant so much THERE I'M SAYING IT #// cherry on top friend just dm'd me to get an actual job at a gas station IM SHITTING MYSELF #// happy anniversary to my genderest best friend and the most problematic uncle ive ever had #// we're all holding hands and theyre treating me to topsicles because it's all i could ever shamelessly want

[castielafflicted]

what is it about being off my birth control that makes my choking kink come out in full fucking force

#zeph posting #like. sometimes its more than normal. #but dear fucking god its been in my brain the whole goddamn time #trying to get off like yeah im reading hot shit but why cant i come without my hand on my throat #fun fact autoerotic asphyxiation is more common in men. gender affirming kink. #just my hands tho im not fucking stupid. im in to breathplay but not risking my life #like. god itd be hot. it would feel so much better to use more than my hand. but also i do not want to pass out. #i got off track here what was this post about #its not even just me being choked. i wanna choke someone else too. #i knew i was kinda into breath play and choking when i was 18 but not this much #i hate jackles so much for being choked for real on screen bc something abt that scene made me so much more into it

[boxwinebaddie]

HI NINA! does jersey kyle smoke (cigs)? cuz i saw the pinterest boards with cigs so it got me curious

HI ANON!!!!!!!!!!

me: *sprints and catapults myself over the 9437324 questions i have about where rm6 went to answer this question abt the pinterest*

which, i'll talk more about it later but, long story short: i had a really bad panic attack lmaoooo ( shocker!!! ) and took it down bc of stress, i am still trying to decide what i want to do: sorry for being insane, rip.

BUT AAAAAAAH!!!! when i tell you i got so excited about this omg!!!! it's really lame but i am very dorky abt the pinterest, i love her sm. like i know its mostly just a writing tool/creative outlet for me, but it warms my heart to see you guys keeping up with it, enjoying it and analyzing it. ur always welcome to ask me questions about it <3333

& if i am in the right mood, i will exchange your curiosity for ~canon~

btw, baby: i am Always in the right mood. ;)

to which i will say! ding Ding DING! you are CORRECT, anon!....sigh. jersey kyle does....unfortunately smoke cigarettes ( BOOOOOO!!!! )

i KNOW! it sucks so bad ( every1 wants him to quit so bad ) but does, however, align with every part of his character...if you think about it.

basically they suppress his appetite :///, give him a reason to go outside/get away from people during social gatherings, its habitual, trauma-bonded with his ocd and his ptsd which is pretty much the main reason jersey smokes/keeps a pack on him 25/8 because when he has particularly fucked up and upsetting Stan Episode where his vision tunnels, and the shaking starts and he's hyperventilating and seeing stan in every person on the street: smoking a cigarette is the only thing that relaxes him enough to come down off that ledge. :(

but uncle nina...you might be wondering, you bright and brilliant thing you, but why did jersey kyle even Start smoking cigarettes?! kyle is smart and careful! cigarettes are bad for you! why would kyle do something so dangerous? careless? stupid? reckless, even! HUH!

to which, i would tell you my darling, that kyle's smoking habit started the same way all stupid, bad and dangerous things start...

*narrows eyes menacingly*

...with a Boy, of course.

annnnd i can feel the pitchforks sharpening already and nO IT IS NOT!!!! TOLKIEN!!!!!!!!!!! it was a boy in kyles undergrad ( which tolkien is, technically, in kyle's law class but he is a sweet and lovely boy who has never done anything wrong in his life! you leave him alone, you hear me!!! it's not him! BACK, i say! ) who i cannot name.

not yet. but know it is not smokin' tolkien & it's not...who u think it is.

but i digress: a boy. A BOY!!!!!! not!!!! i repeat nAUGhT!!!! a boyFRIEND kyle does not do 'boyfriends', like kyle barely does friends and kyle only ~does~ boys in the literal sense and leaves them on the side of the road, heartbroken, in the rain, in their underwear, crying ( tldr he just sleeps w/ guys & rips their heads off like jwoww ) like!!! if oh my god, if you value ur Life, you will not do so much as to insinuate that kyle can feel regular human emotions, let alone romantic ones, EW!

also how very dare you: he is in Mourning! he is WIDOWED!!!! HELLO!

*waves the 11 year old stan 'temporary me' ring around as evidence*

buuuuuut there was a guy in kyle's class....like freshman year of college ( also oh my god aw!! wittle kyle! still evil but...softer ) who was holy shit??? MORE unpleasant and disinterested than he was??? like very nihilistic and depressing, mysterious, messy, rugged, unrefined but...intriguing to kyle? it did help that he was stupid hot and he had a sexy, raspy voice smh...kyle...stand up, oh my god.

and they bonded over being angsty and how stupid everyone was and hating everyone and kyle saw him....semi-regularly....(all the time) and if you ask kyle, he's a mistake and 'some guy i slept with idk' but i would call him the asshole guy that broke kyle's nonexistent heart freshman year who is the only person besides trump with a LIFETIME BAN FROM THE BLONDIES HAUS!! ITS THAT SERIOUS!!!!

because not only!!!!!!! did he make kyle sad!!!!! he also smoked all the time!!!!!!! and kyle started smoking cigarettes because of Him!!!!!! like they stopped seeing eachother and kyle KEPT SMOKING!!! FMLLLL

it was their...*eye twitch* th....ing. eUuueuuguugGH.

ANYWAYS! he is no longer at columbia...he was only there for that year...but he is STILLLLLL on my shit list...if i see him on the streets its so over for him let me tell you!!! *cracks my knuckles*

i hate boys, you guys!!!! BOO, BOYS!!!!

however, there is only one exception and it is for gods angel himself

ravenstan :') <3333 ( i love you baby, you're perfect mWAH )

who!!! has asthma and actually does not...have great lungs because of all the....sIIIIIIGH...smoke he inhaled during The Incident. like he is genuinely really scared of things being lit on fire in general because of The Incident and says he doesn't like cigarettes because they are bad for you and the environment but tbh...they remind him of randy who smoked a lot of cigs before smoking weed and used tiny stan?? as a HUMAN ASHTRAY???? like put one out on him one time really drunk as a punishment and he still has that scar on his upper thigh :(

( i...don't know if kyle knows that. i think he does, but also stan tried to keep a lot of randys abuse a secret from kyle because he did not want kyle to worry abt him and also was trying to keep shelley and his mom safe by taking the brunt of it so randy marsh Die challenge )

with that said, stan does NOT like smoking. which, no one does but usually kyle is just like fuck you, fuck off whateva!!

but i wanna say that the first time kyle pulled a pack of cigarettes out around raven, he got reeeeally pale started patting down the sides of his pants really frantically searching for something...so naturally kyle said something very annoying like "if ya lookin' for your dignity, you're not gonna find it in those tiny pants, scarlet sunset" hdlsahd

and ravenstan was like AahahAaha!!! funnY! but like very obviously scared and freaked out and was like "ahahaa you...you smoke?? i didnt...u-uh" *gulps* omg and kyle is like ????? Side Eye??? "yeah, i mean, don't you? don't all you little rockstar celebrity boys light up?"

and ravenstan is just like "woaaah! not Me, new jersey! i have asthma remember?" *goes to pull something out of his pocket and its like a half melted fucking candy bar or something oh my God* then defeated is like ( rip ) "this....is where i would pull out my inhaler but i forgot it...Again." im fucking crying hes so lame....smh...sTAN!!!

but kyle is too busy being SHOCKED AS FUCK because??? "yOU ACTUALLY HAVE ASTHMA I THOUGHT YOU WERE JOKING!!"

and stan is like "nono! im not! if i were joking i would say its because"

*pierced punk rock emo boy eyebrow wiggle* "~you're breathtaking~"

then immediately is like wAITLhlkshd and waving his arms backpedalling sweatin like "but Joking!! like because i was trying to be FUNNY, you know? not because you aren't bre-uh, taking, uh! not because you don't take my br-breath a-away...s-see?"

and its really funny bc hes actually out of breath and does the stupid ugly stan laugh and the finger gun and mean scary jersey is like is like oh my god why do i feel sick why is my face wArM??? and puts the cig away and realizes for the first time in years, he did not....need that cigarette? and got distracted by how cute and lame raven was being?

which....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

i know what you ARE, kyle broflovski!!!!!!!! a boy with a CRUSH! GAy!

so actually a large side plot of rm later on is...jersey kyle trying to quit smoking because of ravenstan ;-;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; <3333 eWEWEW!!!

because he has really bad panic attacks, doesnt like it and obviously because it fucks up his lungs really bad ( in reverse pep!fashion, i do actually think jersey does nag raven abt his inhaler constantly ) BUT!

if u want the secret, pathetic reason...which is my favorite reason...its that kyle wants to kiss raven Soooo Bad skdhlshd. SO BAD YALL!!!

bc hes SO CUUUTE and as such!!!!! a very pretty boy who smiles and laughs literally all the time, mind you!!! jersey kyle is Constantly staring at his mouth especially when he does the dramatic soft boi stan pout!!! especially the fucking lip ring!!! and is scared hes going to ruin everything bc raven smells like the worlds most beautiful chai tea latte & hes going to fuck it ALL up by tasting like...u guessed it...

....cigarette smoke.

I HATE IT HERE!!! I REALLY DO!!!! :((( AAAAAAAH GAY PEOPLE!

but yeah...tldr: kyle does smoke cigarettes. we all hate it, i know. but i am blaming the stupid boy kyle was sleeping with freshman year who convinced him to start smoking and STOPPED SEEING HIM!!! DIE! he is in....denial about it. he is also convinced he can stop anytime but that its not a problem....smh. there is a small part of him that wants to stop, tho...he just hasnt really found the right reason to...

uuuuuntil now ;)

-uncle nina, the anti-smoking agenda

#I AM SO SORRY I HAD WAY TOO MUCH TO SAY ABT IT #i will say the identity of the boy doesnt matter that much i just like to be annoying abt the identity of the side chars #but we hate him and its not the boy u think #either of them #BUT ALSO NOT AWKWARD RAVEN HELPING CURE KYLES CIGARETTE ADDICTION #WHY AM I CRYING #also hes so cute im literally...like baby you are the lead singer of a band will u ACT like it and stop acting a FOOL #speaking of...kyle....down so horrendous #AND FOR THE MOST PATHETIC BOY EVER #i cant believe this...oh my god #the way he wants to kiss him so bad hes like im gonna quit so i can kiss him all the time #LIKE SHUT UP #AND STILL HAVE THE AUDACITY TO BE LIKE #BUT LIKE WHATEVER U KNOW HES JUST A BOY #LIKE THAT IS THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE BITCH #YOURE TEMPORARIED!!!!! #also its stressful bc stan is simaltaneously setting off the phantom theres stan disorder #and also the reason kyle wants to quit so his brain is like WHAT THE FUCK??????? WHAT??? FUCK???? THE????

[todayisafridaynight]

theres no better place for my ichi ringtone to go off than during my exam tbh

#snap chats #i DO NOT want to talk about my exam <- is gonna talk about it #i get bad physiological reactions to tests itd be hilarious if it wasnt annoying #i hate taking tests cause ill know the answers 100% but then i go to take the official test and i 👁️👁️ i forget literally everything #LIKE AS IM FILLING IN THE ANSWERS I KNOW ITS WRONG BUT MY BRAIN JUTS REFUSES TO PUT THE RIGHT ONE #I REMEMBER THE INFO I JUST CANT PUT THEM IN THE RIGHT SPOTS I GET SO NERVOUS AND FOR WHAT i hate tests. #theres nothing i can do tests have been my bane for years and ill just have to live with my educators thinking im stupid <- i am #anyway. during my exam yeah. quiet-ass room and then you hear my dork-ass ringtone go off like HELP I WAS JUST 👁️👁️ #now the whole classroom knows youre a dweeb. jk no one at my school knows rgg its fine #anyway im upset and im fighting every demon telling me to go to the bar and get a drink #NO. BAD SNAP. BAD COPING MECHANISM. YOU ALSO HAVE NO MONEY ENOUGH #i have my last class of the day in twenty minutes i wanna curl up in a ball instead but thats not how life works now is it so BYE #wait can i talk bout my morning cause it was goofy #i called up my doc to get my DRUGS refilled and she was lookin over my doc like #'my man you have too much testosterone' My Sister In Christ No The Fuck I Don't LMAO if i hear one more 'sorry ma'am' i just might lose it #funny world innit.. ok my class starting soon thats all i wanted to share LMAO BYE

[lightningfilledsaber]

I'm so fucking sick of my brain

#mud rambles #I've been having A Time recently because my bpd wants me to fucking suffer #having an fp is so nice until it's not #my jealousy issues are fucking ridiculous and while I'm doing good at keeping it My problem. #I can feel myself starting to self isolate in the process #I wish my brain would just stop. Like it's not fair for me to be jealous like this. I have no reason to be and it's stupid #on one hand it's nicer because of it not having to Constantly wonder and worry about what he's doing and what's going on since I'm more #Involved now in a general sense. but as a caveat it feels More isolating a lot of the time since I get less one on one time #and I KNOW part of that is due to the fact he's. y'know. got a Life. He's got things going on. So it's not fair for me to be like this #I hate how frustrated and lonely it makes me feel. because I SHOULD feel more secure #I am much more generally involved now!!! WHY does it feel more isolating to me!!! what the fuck!!! #and a lot of this is my inability to reach out. I'm afraid of asking for more #he's so good at making me feel included it's not fair for me to feel this way #it's my fault for being hesitant. always hesitant. I don't want to make the mistake of thinking I deserve more #or that I'm wanted when I'm not #It's so hard to tell and I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I can't fucking take it man