#he would still have a lot of toxic tendencies bc of the way his moms and sisters baby him and never say no to him | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

isadcrajade · 4 years

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💀 * [ barbie ferreira + cis female + she/her ] —— have you met isadora oliveira ? they are a twenty-one year old sophomore currently studying fashion design & merchandising. they live on keating house, and word around campus is that this aries is loyal + warm, as well as self-objectifying + obsequious. i wonder if they’ll make it out alive. chocolate covered strawberries, gothic platforms, lingerie under leather jackets.

hiii bbies it’s me (gabby) finally here again to post this finalized, messy version of isa’s intro! she’s a brand new never-been-played muse of mine so it’s def bound to be a bit more scattered & less developed than ezra’s, but also much shorter? so i mean there’s a bonus lmao alright here we go:

so isadora (also known by many nicknames such as isa, izzy, iz, & dora the explora if ur trying to piss her off vgbjhksjs) was definitely not brought up in a world of prestige and recognition like the one she’s become so accustomed to in attending holloway university

growing up in the small town of lisbon, maine the only reality isa knew during her childhood was that of living as the only child of a woman who was (TW) both a compulsive liar & and compulsive hoarder. their house was floor to ceiling with things her mom collected as well as garbage built up over time- her condition had already driven isa’s father out of the house when she was just three years old, and she never had a relationship with him as a result

she was still fairly young when she realized the true severity of her own situation, just how abnormal it was compared to that of her friends. she missed out on so many rights of passage during her upbringing like birthday parties, sleepovers, etc. for much of her life her own living space / bedroom were just as bad off as the rest of the house, given her mom’s inability to keep from passing her hoarding tendencies onto her daughter. isa simply didn’t know any better at the time. to her, that was normal.

not only was her mom a compulsive liar & hoarder but she was also extremely neglectful, often leaving isa to her own devices in the dangerous environment they called home. as a result of this she (TW ED) developed harmful coping mechanisms surrounding food, regularly overeating to combat negative feelings of loneliness, and this went on from the time she was just a little girl all the way until she was in high school

high school was rough in many ways- she suffered depression, anxiety, experienced bullying at the hands of the more popular kids for her weight & her mother’s financial situation, and was all around extremely isolated from her peers- the only person she really had to depend on was her cousin (WC) . she had so much respect and envy for her cousin, they had more of a sisterly dynamic than anything, she was just so gorgeous and everything she did just seemed so effortless, to the point isa couldn’t help but idolize her and consider her a best friend.

like, remember when spongebob said he hoped that by being in squidward’s presence some of his artistic ability would rub off onto him? that was deadass isa & (WC) in high school jhbksnjs my girl was so sure if she just spent enough time with her she’d inherit some of her pretty & cool

high school was also where she reached a turning point when it came to her home environment, able to put a name to her mom’s condition after years of struggling with her strained and toxic relationship with her mom, and ultimately changed the rest of her life. she stayed the night at (WC’s) one night and after she fell asleep, isa stayed up watching TLC- it was there that she first discovered the TV show ‘hoarding: buried alive’ and realized there was a name for her mother’s infliction- but more importantly, learned that there was help available for her condition

when she went home to excitedly tell her mother that she’d basically discovered a cure, a means to change everything for them... she certainly hadn’t been expecting the reaction that came: her mom, who’d always been so indifferent toward her, so lethargic and uninterested in what she had to say, was suddenly listening very clearly- and she was not happy. isa had never heard her mom scream like that, had never really heard her express any heightened emotion, but it was in that moment at 17 years old, just a few weeks away from her 18th birthday, that she realized what she needed to do. she had no choice but to make plans to leave her mom behind.

the final weeks leading up to the big day she was counting on as a turning point consisted of her cleaning out her own space, little by little, enough that she had somewhere to set up her secondhand laptop and webcam. blowing out the candles on her 18th birthday cake came with wishing for a whole new life, and she was determined to make that for herself by any means necessary.

(TW SEX WORK) isa spent half her 18th year in her room working as a successful camgirl, showing everything but her face, & of course always being careful not to dox herself. she eventually earned enough money to start buying herself nicer clothes, but it didn’t take her long to realize she wanted more from life than just rotting away in her hometown. she bought herself a higher quality webcam to keep making money... and a nice sewing machine, something she’d always dreamed of owning.

all her life she’d been drawing and sketching as a means of escapism, it’d always been therapeutic to her to be creative and conjure up unique designs for outfits in her mind, drawing models in all shapes and sizes to represent her fantasy outfits. but she never felt like a visionary, even though anyone with an eye for fashion who got a look at her work could see that she had the natural talent and potential to be.

isa had been an a straight-A student her whole life despite having almost no support at home from her mother growing up, and with plenty of encouragement from (cousin WC), she plucked up the courage and applied for holloway university, with ivory falls being far enough from her hometown of lisbon, but still in the same state so that she could go and see her mother from time to time (bc although their relationship is quite strained now, she still loves and worries about her)

the next summer she received her acceptance letter at holloway u for the coming fall semester, and the fact that she’d been able to make it into such a prestigious school made her feel so proud of herself that she completely underwent a massive arc of character development; evolving into someone so much more confident. realizing that plenty of people found her desirable as she continued to earn money through cam shows had been part of that transformation, but realizing she was talented enough to get accepted into the fashion design and merchandising program at her dream school had a completely different effect on her.

( TW BODY IMAGE ISSUES ) isa decided that as she entered college, she was no longer going to be the meek, insecure girl constantly playing the role of the doting, loyal fat best friend to the ‘prettier main characters’ she’d always been sidekick to- she told herself that she was the main fucking character in her life from here on, and has spent her entire college experience up to this point just,, navigating as she figures out what that really means to her

still has a terrible underlying tendency to be overly-loyal and a bit obsessive with girls she closely befriends, if she has any kind of jealousy towards them. but ! is a lot more confident than she used to be, and it shows in the way she dresses and carries herself, as well as in her long-term goals (to transfer to FIDM for her final years of university)

( TW ED MENTION ) as a young adult, she’s mostly she’s replaced the compulsion to deal with her body image issues by using food to cope that she had as a teenager... by using sex to cope instead, so she’s definitely a bit promiscuous but does her best to keep that Her Own business

personality-wise she has a massive heart & is loyal to a fault but is also wild AF & loves a good time! never rly dabbled in drugs until she got to college but since then has acquired an interest in trying everything under the sun, even if it’s just one and done. mostly though she just likes to get really drunk & stupid. used to feel like she was constantly living in her cousin’s shadow, & in some ways she still does, but she’s trying hard to make herself believe that she’s reached a place where she won’t be playing second fiddle to anyone, ever again

i’m gonna shut the hell up now & stop pretending i know this character better than i do bc i deadass do not jbhnjss like she’s literally brand new so lemme go head & leave plenty of room for development!

same story as ezra i’ll have a full connections page posted for her soon but in the meantime some ideas i have are: friends, frienemies, ex friends, high school bullies, classmates, old high school friends, people she gets fuckt up with on the reg, people she hooks up with on the reg (any gender, she’s bisexual / biromantic), someone she had a crush on in high school / has pined for from afar maybe?? someone who used to watch her cam shows?? someone she almost kinda dated but Not? someone who she hooked up with while they were dating someone else?? idk that’s what i have for now but there’ll be more where that came from <3 xoxo like this or hmu !

#holloway.intro #this is a hot ass mess #but i'm rly excited to finally play her x

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theartoflivingalways · 4 years

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i’ve been awake for over 24 hours

I haven’t been on tumblr in years. i stopped using it after high school, but I don’t know why. but now I’m back tonight, because I needed someone to talk to, but I have no one to listen. i have friends, i have family, i have a boyfriend. i have a therapist. but no matter what: i feel so unheard, so unseen, and so ignored by everyone in my life that i literally feel like i have no one to truly turn to. for anything. so, here i am. hope i get a warm welcome!!!

here’s the thing: i’m NOT a depressed person. i’m not sad, i don’t have any major mental health issues apart from anxiety and some adhd. and before you take that the wrong way, please don’t. i just got my master’s degree in social work and i’ll be starting my new job as a therapist in a couple of weeks.

but, i’m also NOT a happy person. tbh, i can’t really describe my overall ~mood~ or whatever you wanna call it. i kinda just wake up and survive the day, every day. i take it one day at a time ... kinda like what AA says to do; but no, before you ask or the thought crosses your mind, i’m not an addict. at least not a alcohol/other drugs addict ??? sorry

maybe this is why there’s no one to listen when i need them to. i fucking ramble about literally nothing before getting to the point.

it’s weird that i’m writing right now (ok, typing???). i haven’t done this since i was little. it feels good to do this, to have some sort of outlet when you feel so fucking unseen and unheard by every. single. person. around you.

so i haven’t slept in over 24 hours. it’s my own fault for sure and i have adderall to thank for that (yes i’m prescribed). i decided to start a blog again because i’m sitting here, still wide awake in my apartment, alone, while my boyfriend is sound asleep in my bedroom.

so what’s my fucking problem??? why do i want someone to talk to?? i don’t know honestly. i just feel like lately all i do is listen to others, help others, give myself completely to others. and in return, i get nothing. nothing even close to what i give, or to what i’m capable of giving. which is sad. not for me particularly (maybe?), but for others, yes, i think so.

i’m not saying that i expect anything in return for helping others, because i don’t. i didn’t enter the field of social work for the fucking money. and i know a lot of fucked up shit is going on in the world right now, and in no way do i want to minimize ANY of that. i’m just feeling a little lost and lonely, so i’m hoping this is a new outlet for me to sort out those feelings.

the last couple of hours, i’ve had a LONG string of thoughts. if you read through, you’ll eventually found out how they started. but one of the things i’ve been wrestling with in my mind is the type of person i am.

you see, it’s difficult to be “that” person for others your whole life, especially all the fucking time. if you’re anything like me, you know what i mean by that. and if you aren’t anything like me, well, first of all congrats!!!!, and secondly, i’ll explain what i mean.

when you’re “that” person for others, like myself, it’s easy for other people to walk all over you. take advantage of you, take you for granted, expect you to ALWAYS be there no matter the cost. and of course, why wouldn’t they? you’re always there to help. you’re ALWAYS there to offer support, guidance, and advice. you’re nurturing. you listen. you’re a fucking irreplaceable, loyal to death friend. if you’re VERY much like me, you’re also the one person in your family who isn’t a total fuck up (at least not publicly?)

you’re also nonjudgmental, and you were blessed with the curse of being empathic towards others at all times. empathy of course is beautiful and a very good thing to have in this life, but do you know how hard it is to feel for every single person around you.. and not have anyone feel for you???? damn

also, you never let anyone down!! ever. you’re reliable, dependable, trustworthy to the point where it’s almost sketchy because like??? who can be that way to everyone else at all times? you guessed it- people like me and people like u!! (if this is even semi-relatable, i’m sorry)

but people like us, like you, like me, tend to do this thing where we keep the same shitty fucking toxic people around that have hurt us, continue to hurt us both indirectly and directly, and who have let us down time and time again, because we continue clinging on to the fucking useless hope that “someday they’ll change”. someday, they’ll realize how fucking important you are to them and how shitty their lives are, and would be, without you in it.

you- we - also live by honesty and truthfulness, and assume others just live by this as well. but then you’re proved wrong over and over and over again, yet you never fucking learn your lesson because you are STILL hopeful that somewhere, somehow, deep down, other people DO stand by the morals you try so hard to stand by in life. most of the time, though, you’re completely avoiding the reality of other people and their experiences and who they really are, only to try to fit your own narrative of how you see things and how you think things should be.

if this sounds anything like you... i’m sorry. i know it all too well.

i grew up as the “golden child” in my family. not just my immediate family. my entire fucking family. the pressure to be perfect has lead me to develop debilitating anxiety in my 20′s, and it is what it is, but like, why the fuck couldn’t i have anxiety in high school like a normal teenager? why now?

so yeah my anxiety’s pretty bad. it’s pretty bad tonight, which is why i turned here. to tumblr. to try to write out my thoughts. which, by the way, i’m sorry, because this is an absolute fucking mess and makes no sense. if you are reading this, though, thank you. thank you for listening when no one else seems to.

anyway. growing up with the pressure of being *perfect* has a cost. at least for me it did: 1) anxiety of course, and 2) perfectionist tendencies. these have literally- LITERALLY - ruined my entire college and graduate school experience. perfectionism combined with anxiety is a recipe for fucking disaster, and i’ve been cooking it for years.

i am deliberately writing this without proper punctuation/grammer/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallit, not capitalizing my letters etc., because i want to not have to be so perfect all the time on here, if this is something i’m going to stick to. i know that sounds silly but it’s actually been very difficult for me to write in all lower-caps and i’m very worried that no one will even read this and HEAR ME because of my literacy negligence (i have no idea if that’s even a real thing or if it even has meaning but it sounded right)

do u want to know why i decided to write this though, truly? what lead to me feeling like i’m “spiraling” - apart from no sleep in over 24 hours now? well, get ready to laugh, because i truly think i’m pathetic and going crazy.

i went to dinner tonight with my boyfriend and his fam. our waitress was a girl i used to know years ago in high school. my boyfriend knew her too. in fact, he knew her VeRY well. for the sake of my anxious overthinking, i don’t feel like going too much into the details of *that* situation, so thanks in advance for understanding.

anyway. this corny bitch made a joke about the current political environment. i won’t say what exactly, because i’d really like to keep my identity as concealed as absolutely possible on here. but long story short, no one really laughed - every one just kinda smiled awkwardly. but you know who did laugh? my boyfriend :)

TO ME, it seemed intentional. she wasn’t fucking funny, for one. she made a bad - no, a very bad- joke. like one of those corny dad jokes. not even a dad joke actually. a step-dad joke, except your step-dad is a loser that you hate, who treats ur mom/dad bad, has no sense of humor or a horrible sense of humor and idk, just fucking sucks you know ???

sorry that got kinda dark and it was unnecessary but do u know what i mean??? and no, that was literally not relevant to me or my family system/structure in any way. just kinda came to me, ya know? ...writing works in mysterious ways man

alright so if you don’t agree, that’s fine. i already told you to get ready to laugh, because i am well aware of how insane i fucking sound. but you know what makes anxiety & perfectionism 100x harder to cope with? insecurities. and i’m FULL of them.

so anyway. we left dinner. him & i were driving home. i will admit that i did have some wine at dinner, and i wasn’t drunk but i definitely was feeling cocky enough to stir the pot with him. so, i casually said, “hey... didn’t you date _____?” *insert annoying waitress’s name who i knew once upon a time*

i said it very calmly. very coooool. v collected and nice. he said “no? i’ve never even talked to or hungout with that girl”.

i wish u could see my face as i’m writing this right now bc i cannnot. like i gave u a choice.... the opportunity. tHE SIMPLE opportunity - a chance - to be fucking honest................................

this dude. straight up. lied to my face. about this fucking girl. ???????

YEARS AGO, they most certainly did talk. a lot. in fact, my crAZy ass searched their names on facebook to find their old little love notes to each other that they posted on each others’ walls. which were very cringey but nothing that made me feel jealous or insecure (for once). after all, they were from years ago- i’m talking 5+ - so likeeee.... why would he lie (:

oh and they definitely did hang out because.... i remember clearly.... a PICTURE OF THE two of them *together* *hangin* (prob bangin too) (sorry) years ago in this now-waitress’s bedroom. i believe it was a ~webcam photo~ that they took on the new mac computer her parents prob bought her. so this photo is now NO WHERE to be found. and believe me, i looked. no, i LURKED. i went to the beginnnning of her instagram posts and deep into her uploaded facebook pictures. ok, not ‘deep’, i literally got to the first pic she ever posted on FB just to try to find this damn picture. and it took me for. fucking. ever. because this bitch has prolly posted a million pictures in the last 5+ years like who does that???

but i swear to fucking whatever the fuck that this picture exists. i have fucking seen it. i’d describe it in perfect detail right now as if i saw it today, but, once again, i’m concealin my identity, yo, so i can’t do all that. v sorry

anywho. this dude - who i call my boyfriend (and yes i love him very very much and our past is absolutely fucked but that’s a whole other story for a very different time) - had the nerve, the audacity, to tell me to my face, that he “definitely doesn’t have a picture with her” because “they’ve never hung out or talked before” ... ?!??????

obv i sent him screenshots of the dirt i dug up on facebook from 5+ years ago (i.e., the old posts between them in case ya forgot during my rambling) bc like, caught ya in a lie sir. red handed.

i might be late on mentioning this part, but here’s the fucking kicker (and i’ve never used that phrase and i don’t know why i said that but ok?): TODAY, for the first time in MONTHS, literally!!!, bc of the virus and the quarantine and all that, i got ready today for dinner with his family. like actually got ready. i spent HOURS doing my make up. i don’t even remember the last time i did my make up, ok. i dressed in a really cute outfit. i felt fucking very good about myself. i thought for sure when he’d come pick me up to go to dinner he’d at least say something. at least acknowledge it. he has literally only seen me in raw form for too many days now. like, complete bare face and sweat pants basically every day since march.

but. did he even look at me twice?!!? no. did he mention anything about how i looked? how it was drastically different from my everyday attire the last couple months? did he take 2 seconds out of his day to say something corny or flirty to me? even just, “you look beautiful”??? honestly i would’ve even appreciated, “you look beautiful, for once” ???

did u guess the correct answer? well if u didn’t, it’s N O.

but u know who he did look at twice.

our waitress at dinner.

i think i wrote enough for one night. if u think this is my anxiety/perfectionism/insecurities combination spiraling out of control after being tamed incessantly for 20+ years, PLZ TELL ME.

but also, if you have a fucking brain, you’d know that:

1) this is definitely NOT the first time i’ve responded to something like this the way i did, and

2) i really just needed to ramble on and vent about all the shit that’s been going through my mind the last 2 1/2 hours, so there’s that.

have a good night get some sleep!!! thank u for ur time.

#why #me #cantsleep #upfor24hours #adderall #waitress #insecure #perfect #anxiety #sorry #helpme #help #needsleep #dontwanttotho #goodnight #getsomerest #ily #thanku

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mrswanggae · 3 years

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Hi! This post is really for no one in particular I just really want to put this in writing and get it out there because this is how I want to cope. Read this, don't read this, love it, hate it, say what you want, I don't care. I have come to term with my feelings, and I don't think anyone's words can invalidate them.

Enjoy.

My parents are divorced, always kind of have been, I dont remember them ever being married. I have a brother who is 7 years older than me and my mom has primary custody. My dad left when I was 10, and although I loved him and I was surprised, I wasn't all that upset. He wasn't the best dad, he had a shitty on/off relationship with this bitch named Kim that outwardly hated children. He was toxic, he always had a headache and was always in a mood, you the regular shit.

Thats not too important, just a little back ground.

I always hated my mom and I still do. She never beat me, never starved me, never out right did anything technically, but just everything she did was to hurt me emotionally. At least that's what it feels like.

I always struggled with keeping my room clean and cleaning up and staying organized and paying attention and I lied a lot and I didn't really know why at the time. I was a bad kid, I will give her that much, but its her fault, I feel, that I was like that.

Every single day, my mom made comments about how poor we were. Looking back, we weren't. Don't get me wrong, we weren't rich, but we definitely weren't struggling to eat and pay pills per se. I internalized that a lot and it still affects my spending habits as an adult. (I'm 18 but you get my point). My mom would whine and bitch that we were so poor but would turn around and go spend 300 dollars on a leg massager. She would buy a lawn chair and shit we didn't need and I took that to mean that I couldn't ask for anything. A lot of times I didnt eat at school bc I thought it was too expensive. I didnt ask my mom for lunch money or toys or food or anything. Instead, occasionally, I would steal money from her. I don't know why. Genuinely. I think that's how my 7-9 year old self decided to deal with the stress and impending doom I always felt about money. Say what you want about that, but I've grown and learned from that trauma and there's nothing I can do about that now.

Another thing is that I always lied. Even when i didnt need to lie, I did. I wouldn't turn in school work, and lie about it. I would eat the last pack of pop tarts, and lie about it. I would lie all the time about everything and tbh I don't know what caused that specifically but I do know what contributed to it.

I was always in trouble growing up. I know, I lied and stole and shit, but before and after that I was always in trouble. I would get grounded for eating the last pack of crackers, for eating candy, for not cleaning up, for going out when I'm 'not supposed to', etc. I did lie, but that should've been a warning sign to my mom that smth was going on, and not that I need punished, bc that obviously didn't work. I did steal, but that self corrected. The bad shit I did do, I deserved to be punished for, but I didn't do that much bad shit!

I would be grounded for eating the rest of the marshmallows, but I didnt eat them. My brother did. My mom looked at me and said "just admit it. I asked Connor and he said he didn't do it so it must be you. You're a liar, you're bad. Admit it!" It was always like. She believed Connor so easily and not me bc he was 'perfect'. This went on before the lying too, so don't say that its bc I was, in fact, a liar. Hes always been her favorite. My brother would watch as my mom screamed in my face, called me horrible thing, threatened to burn everything i owned except a pair of clothes, threatened to take everything from me, all over some marshmallows. That I didnt even eat!

It was like this every day.

My mom used to make me clean as a punishment. You know what that means!! Rebelling through my nasty room and unclean habits. She would yell and scream that I was disgusting. That I was gross and nasty like a pig. That no one would ever be my friend because I'm a disgusting pig. I was forced to clean up after everyone. My mom would cook and bake sometimes and somehow I was still the one that made the mess. So I would scrub cupcake pans and clean frosting off the counter. I would clean my brothers Mac n cheese pots bc he never did. I would sweep and mop the floors after everyone refused to do it. I would scrub base boards bc somehow that was also my fault. I did dishes, unloaded and reloaded the dish washer, cleaned kitchen counters, the dining room, swept and mopped the house, cleaned base boards, picked up dog shit that somehow no one noticed until I got home from school. I would clean bathroom counters, toilets, bath tubs, the laundry room, hallways, hell I even had to mow and edge the yard (starting when I was like 9) bc Connor didn't want to and he got whatever he wanted. I did everything.

My room was horrendous. It was cluttered and cramped bc of my moms hoarder tendencies. She bought everything she came in contact with and filled the house with crap. It wasn't until after she started to really bully me that my room became gross. I was always in trouble anyways, right? I was already a pig? Already had no friends? So what's there to lose? So I just did what I wanted. I kept bowls and cups in my room. I didn't clean at all, I ignored my mom, I did what lever I felt like because I was too far gone anyways.

I'm older now. I know that im fine and im not this shit little kid anymore and my mom can't do the same shit she did back then. But I just get so angry about it. I guess this is part 1? Idk when or if ill update at all. I have so many more stories. I just- ugh.

I always had a hard time dealing with things my mom did to me, because I didn't know it was truly that bad. I thought I was over reacting, that I had no place to complain. She wasn't hitting me, so its okay right? Wrong. I am valid for feeling the way I do. I am valid for being angry. I have to tell myself that because what she did was wrong.

#abuse #mom #brother #emotional #sad #angry

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calmtone · 5 years

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hello everyone , the name is sab and i’m super excited to be here w u all 😔 everything u need to know abt jaein is under the cut and i’m sort it’s a mess my sister literally isn’t shutting her mouth , so it’s hard for me to concentrate KSMKSMS but , i’d love to plot w u , so hit that like button and i’ll come to u or i can give u my discord if y’all would prefer that !

˗ˏˋ ( hwang hyunjin. twenty-one. cis male. he/him. ) yang jaein has been at so!ar entertainment for one year. they have been the stylist of legacy since february, 2019. they are known by their family to be altruistic, idealistic + zealous but they can also be meticulous, guarded + flighty. i hope that they can make it in this industry.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR HINTS OF ABUSE .

info .

born in seoul , sk to a beautiful , university student mother and a big business father . his father was ten years her senior .

it was a strange relationship truly , but neither really cared anyways . his mother didn’t care because she loved this man and his father didn’t care because well , he had a beautiful woman on his arm .

there was also the fact that he’d knocked her up and it would’ve been a disgrace to his own family to leave a woman and his child

so the marriage was forced , in his father’s eyes at least . he never quite loved her , not as much as she loved him . her life was molded into something fake and the light in her eyes dwindled as time went on . expected to be a housewife and not what her own dreams wanted her to be .

( she was a fashion design student , was in love with the idea of a simple piece of fabric being turned into something that could brighten eyes and turn heads )

it’s scary what someone would do for love or at least a fabricated version of love she didn’t want to leave , afraid of the truth

thus in turn , growing up jaein had a skewed vision of what love was , he received so much love and encouragement from his mother yet received cold harsh treatment from his father . watched his mother with hearts in her eyes as she watched his father and saw his father write her off like she meant nothing

jaein had a love for fashion from a young age , watching his mother make her own clothing in her small little space in the house , watched her sew fabrics and buttons and jewels together to make a masterpiece . she taught him all she knew , loved the way his eyes lit up like hers would when she was younger . he always found joy in helping his mother pick out pretty dresses and doing her make up

always dreamed of dressing people up like he’d help dress her up

he was always a more introverted child , he found nice company with his mother as mentioned above , she was always his best friend . however his father wanted him to be more , hated to watch his son find a love for something that would get him no where just like his mother . hated to watch him fall in love with smth that was some Prissy shit

when he was ten his father got offered a big job in milan , italy and off jaein went . forced to pack up his life and leave everything behind for a father that cared little about him

he was in heaven though ... kinda ... a fashion hub of the world it felt like his dreams were coming true . however it was while living in italy where his father was really forcing his hand on him

forced him to be apart of the more popular social scene , shoving him into crowds he didn’t do well with . forced his introverted and shy son to be extroverted and outgoing , to attend parties and let people use him however they saw fit . he didn’t make friends , he met ppl that wanted his money , wanted him because he was pretty .

people pushed him around a lot . physically , emotionally .

his father wanted him to be some big business man , take after himself and shit , jaein obviously didn’t want that , he wanted to do fashion and create things . his father wasn’t happy when he told him he’d be moving back to korea ( age 18 ) to pursue a degree in fashion design .

that furthered strained their relationship or whatever relationship they even possessed because his father wasn’t really present as a parental figure , the one time jaein stuck up for himself was the last line for his father who ended up p much disowning him

his mother was still there in his life watching him go to university , she supported his move and pays his tuition behind her husbands back bc she wants to toxically live through her own son as he chases the dreams she had

it was because of that that he had gotten his job at solar . his mother had paid his way in there and he hadn’t found out until recently , putting strain on their relationship because he felt like he couldn’t trust her . he would never tell a soul this though , so it’s his own internal battle !

personality-ish .

generally he’s sweet . kind , selfless , wants to help others more than help himself which leads to destructive tendencies of overworking himself .

he wants to be perfect , he wants to impress others , it’s why he shifts himself so much to fit a mold he doesn’t think he can fit .

his mother cares for him , loves him so much , but there’s always been pressure on his shoulders to be just like his father . he loves fashion he really does , he loves being able to create something that people will love , but he’s way too doubtful of himself , he never thinks anything he does is good enough which is definitely trauma from his father ( now from his mother because he doesn’t know if he should be at solar anymore ) , so he questions whether this is what he’s supposed to be doing or not .

he has hella daddy issues ... is struggling w the relationship w his mom bc of what she’d done . doesn’t talk to them .. talks to his mother on occasion but otherwise he’s pretty mf lonely but pretends to be happy bc he’s so good at pretending !

he’s a gemini . so he’s an annoying little petty whore and is quite moody and finicky and meticulous . he doesn’t trust ppl ... so many factors play into that from his parents to how he was treated by his peers , he’s just guarded and has trust issues up the ass .

yet he can be quite naive and he’s always craved love and affection ( that isn’t rough ) , so he’s thrown himself into things only to get himself hurt in the process ! he just wants validation and tried to get it in the worst way hehe ! like if u tryna get in his pants just be like hey ur amazing and he’ll drop to his knees ANYWAYSFLDKSJF

he can talk for hours once u get him started and get him out of his shell , though he can be quite self conscious about a lot of things

still pretends to be an extrovert but he’s definitely not !

def a romantic , loves the stars , flowers , wants to date and kiss someone but scared u know

he’s like an aesthetic hoe on insta , loves coffee and visiting different cafes whateva

uh he knows he’s bi , but he’s not like out ? kinda ? idk he hasn’t like explicitly said anything about it but like he’s been w both men and women before idk if that makes sense KFKDSM

wanted plots .

cute best friend ! probably someone he knew from korea before he moved to milan ? they always kept in contact , the person that jaein trusts more than anyone else

older sibling figure ! never had siblings , so having someone to sort of guide him would be nice

cuddle buddy bc.... cute /:

give him a lil crush pls ... he’s bi and it would be totally cute to see him get flustered in someone else’s presence and just be totally mf heart eyes ! could be a puppy crush or unrequited or not even that deep ! could be fully returned , whateva !

while he is a stylist , he always really loves make up ? but like hasn’t really dabbled w anyone besides himself ? so maybe a little test subject of sorts !

love / hate is always fun ! jaein can be a lil moody , so getting on his bad side isn’t super tricky

an ex ! smth angsty and shit ... pls would love the angst

rival ? enemy of sorts ? just someone that jaein doesn’t like and they’re always bickering nd shit

maybe a first love ? that would be p cute

his test subject ! w fashion and he’s always making them stand for too long and poking them w his pins on accident and it’s just a really precious and supportive relationship

#hqidolintros #⁺ 𝗳𝗶𝗹𝗲𝗱 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿 ‚ ooc ♡ 𝙼𝚄𝙽 .#this is a MESS I'M SORRY #if u need clarification i'd be more than HAPPY to do that #but uh yeah . plot w me pls uwu

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draculaurennn · 4 years

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#squad for jun, padrika and lucid

dfghjk u always ask me bless y wyoc ask meme . — jun, padrika, and lucid #squad: who's friends with who? what are the squad dynamics like?

idk if this means are they friends w each other or friends w other ppl so ???? ill just break down both !!jun . —friends w padrika and lucid? probably not. lucid and jun have nothing in common, and lucid’s apprehension of literally anything electronic means jun would... do that weird, toxic association thing where she goes “that means you don’t like ME EITHER.” lucid’s really good and level, so i know she’d take that sort of accusation in stride, but they wouldn’t be friends at all. lucid also doesn’t have any interest in drama and childish attitudes, so she wouldn’t be willing to be around jun for very long. padrika’s more tolerable for jun, but she’s pretty, tan, thin, and athletic, and she may be dumber than a box of rocks, but i think jun would feel pretty threatened by her. which is hysterical tbh, bc their bi energy is off the charts and pad would probably actually adore jun. actual friends? jesse, lux, genji, & sombra. sombra was her first friend. they met in illegal circuits, and they bonded. sombra’s chaotic energy and tendency to play a double field means jun feels a weirdly genuine trust towards her. genji’s kind of the same for her; she has no real investment in him romantically, but he has her back at work, and that’s how he grew on her so quickly. lux is jun’s BEST friend. she didn’t like her for about half an hour, and then suddenly she was spilling her guts to her. lux makes jun feel safe, and liked, and she doesn’t ever feel like lux is lying to her. everything about her is genuine, and watching lux brighten up other ppls’ lives and take her problems in stride makes jun want to do the same. or at least try. jesse is her OTHER best friend, and love of her life. and she made it really hard for them, because he’s so damn genuine and easy going, that no matter how much she pushed against him in some weird, unkind test, he just took everything and gave her the respect she needed. he’s sunny, like lux, which is good, because jun is a gross little mushroom who really needs some sun in her life. squad dynamics! jun’s the shitty sister that doesn’t know when to quit being mean until someone’s feelings are hurt. she’s the one who tells people that no one gets to make jesse/lux/genji cry BUT her. her hot temper makes her quick to stand up for her friends, even if she’s also going to ream them verbally for being stupid. she can’t cook for you, she can’t really patch up an injury, and she wouldn’t really want to, anyway... but she’ll drag anyone’s carcass through the mud to get them out of a bad situation alive. her only mode of nice is mean, because she doesn’t seem to know how to be vulnerable, but she’ll literally die in battle for any one of them if it gets them out safe. padrika . —friends w jun and lucid? padrika would likely be the “middle man” for these two. pad’s pretty chill; she has a short fuse, sometimes, but on a drama scale of one to ten (zero being no drama, ten being drama all the time), she’s like a 5. padrika’s sporty, but relaxed, stupid, but supportive and willing to learn. her valuable assets lie in her weird misdirection - she has no real goals, so nothing is too daunting to try once. she’d get along well with lucid because lucid would be the balance to reign her in; likewise, she’d always be willing to listen to whatever lucid had to say. she’d get along well with jun because jun’s technical skills are something padrika can admire, and padrika always has questions about anything. plus, they can horse around together. actual friends? sera, ciri, jaskier, & geralt. sera is her closest friend. padrika considers a lot of people close, but sera is someone she can understand at a basic level. they’re monsters, after all, and no one lets them forget that. it means that every weird feeling padrika’s ever had, that she does and doesn’t know how to string together in a sentence, she knows she can tell to sera, and she hope’s it’s the same in return. sera’s life seems to have a lot more purpose and goal-orientation than padrika’s, so she’s fixated on helping the vampire find what she needs to know. ciri she adores about as much. she’s a person she can spar with, joke with, talk honestly with, get into trouble with... bully geralt with. it’s nice. it’s nice to feel like a person around someone. padrika didn’t really know what that was until sera and ciri. jaskier’s fucking trouble, and she loves that. his bardic nature works well with padrika’s innate need to sing, but his penchant for getting into trouble is not something she shares with him (anymore). still, he’s fun to horse around with and be noisy with. he’s never boring, so she’s never bored. padrika adores geralt. she doesn’t like to tell him; she’s no good at sentiments and she likes to tell him not to let things go to his head. but he’s strangely alone for a person so surrounded by love and support, and padrika doesn’t... get that. that wasn’t a thing she grew up with, so support is all she can really give him. even if she’s bad at it, and even if it’s just her standing around, or punching things. she knows she’s no beautiful, fabulous sorceress with destiny tied to her name. she also knows she’d wait forever from below the waters, if she had to. it’s not something she likes to think about, though. squad dynamics! padrika’s your drunk bi sorority sister who only joined because of liquor and scholarship money. she’s not responsible, calm, or smart enough to be your mom, but if you need bail money at 3am and to ask her not to tell mom, she’s your girl. padrika’s dedication is steadfast, and she knows she doesn’t bring much to the table, and she’s not really important like others, but she’ll give everything she possibly can. she’s hard to shake off, and she takes a lot of shit, even if sometimes she does lose her temper for it. her honesty is one of the only good things about her, though. she’s there, and she will be. lucid . —friends w jun and padrika? yes and no! there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that lucid would be able to handle jun’s attitude for more than a dose of minutes. lucid feels there’s a strong difference between sulking and being a baby (she should know), and people who only work to perseverate their misery and not try to be open or make anything better are people she just cannot work with. jun’s bratty, petty, and fabricates things people didn’t say; lucid has zero patience for that kind of attitude. she’d do well enough with padrika, though. she’s much less aggressive, but she doesn’t mind closing down a bar with someone, and she doesn’t mind talking miserable, magic binding curses. actual friends? ria, vincent, tifa, & zack. her relationship with illyria is strange, because much like zack, it’s hinged on a motherly mindset first, and a friend mindset second. she’s protective and directive, and her first instinct is to nurture and correct before it is simply to just be a friend. it can make her answers redundant or scolding, at times, but it’s simply because she’s trying to keep everyone alive and in one piece. it takes a lot for her to put them back together. tifa’s easy and kind to speak to. they just sort of meshed, two mom friends bonding over... being mom friends. they can speak honestly and without embarassment, something lucid wasn’t used to (and sometimes still isn’t) outside of the bar and outside of three or four drinks. it’s also nice to have a friend who she knows she can speak too without meddling... they can just talk, and it’s nice to get problems out that way.lucid hated vincent when they first started working together. she thought he was rude and sulky, and that kind of attitude isn’t something she likes to be around. people who only choose to wallow... especially over one thing? it’s ridiculous, and a waste of energy. but, it turned out there were more layers than she expected there, and more similarities than differences. he’s the other side of her coin, her absolute everything, and she’d not let a day go by without him if she could avoid it. the only hard question is which one’s undying devotion is going to get which one killed for the other first. lucid likes to think that won’t happen. squad dynamics! lucid’s your kitchen witch wine mom. in the chaos of zack running headlong into fights, illyria blowing up for science, and vincent falling apart from the inside-out or outside-in (depending), lucid’s there to keep picking up the pieces with pieces of her. she’s sturdy, and she’ll listen to anything anyone has to say, but she won’t accept or tolerate useless, miserable behaviour, and she’ll let them know it. thankfully, liquor is always there to help her get through the madness and cool off. and if not liquor, then she has vincent, too.

#lucida del sol #Jun-Ki #padrika venris #noticecoupnomura #pommelovesthemoon #oc ask meme #THANKS FOR ALWAYS ASKING ABT MY OCS

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