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anxious-witch · 5 months

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Inertia 4

Summary: Newton's first law expresses the principle of inertia: the natural behavior of a body is to move in a straight line at constant speed. In the absence of outside influences, a body's motion preserves the status quo.

Jan choose a direction of his life the moment he walked out of his parents house and cut all contact with them. He didn't want anything to do with them, or God anymore. Even his soulmark he wished he could leave behind. But when Nace Jordan joins the band, with a mark matching his own, can Jan keep going the same way he did? Or will the force make him change a direction?

Pairings: Jan Peteh/Nace Jordan

Warnings: TW for a character taking sleeping pills and slight descriptions of dissociation, character implied to have an eating disorder, mentions of Nace's pictures of before he lost weight, mentions of past abusive parents

If I forgot something please feel free to let me know

Notes: AO3 link

Alright, so. Jan is being gently nudged in the right direction here, but not quite ready to take a leap yet. Also we get a glimpse of some of Nace's own insecurities, so if you have any triggers regarding eating disorders, I recommend checking additional warnings

God said:

GOD MADE YOU. GOD DOES NOT CARE IF YOU ARE "GUILTY" OR NOT.

I said:

I CARE IF I AM GUILTY!

God was silent.

Everything was SILENT.

I lay back down in the snow.

Frank Bidart, Half-light: Collected Poems 1965-2016

There was a low music playing from the speakers. It sounded vaguely familiar, but Jan was too tired to listen closely enough to identify from where. For once, he was the one that arrived early. Warm cup of coffee warmed his hands from a cold November weather, as he waited for Matej.

It all felt surreal. Jan cheated slightly the previous day and took a sleeping pill. He didn't take them often, partially due to the fact he didn't want to have to rely on them to sleep every night and partially because they made him feel drowsy the next day.

Like it did now. He felt like he was still dreaming, moving through molasses to get anywhere in a dream. He blinked and suddenly, his brother was sitting across from him.

"Hey," he greeted quietly, trying to stifle a yawn.

"Hey."

They sat in silence until Matej ordered coffee. He sighed when the waiter left. Jan traced the handle of his cup with his finger. His nail polish chipped slightly on the thumb. He really needed to fix that.

"Jan...please talk to me? I can't just give you contact information for something like this without knowing anything."

Jan felt very slow today. Not in the same way as he did when he was sleep deprived, no. He wasn't annoyed or irritable, more like...he was under a thick blanket that was see through. He could see the world behind it, but it felt far away.

"Why not?"

"Because you are asking me to help you arrange a very dangerous procedure! Do you even know what this could do to you if anything goes even a bit wrong?!"

He looked up, meeting his brother's furious eyes and felt nothing at all. The pain felt glazed over now. Buried under a thick blanket of indifference.

Matej's eyes scanned over his face and then his anger melted into worry.

"Jan...have you been taking sleeping pills again?"

Jan rubbed at his eyes. They just refused to stay open for long, despite the coffee. Matej knew his habits, both good and bad. Some things didn’t change, despite his best efforts.

"Only yesterday, after we talked. I didn't sleep very well in...well. Weeks. Otherwise I wouldn't have taken them."

Matej went silent. Jan could see him mulling things over. Considering him.

"And you not sleeping...is it because of the soulmate guy?"

He started peeling off the nail polish from his thumb more. He didn't want to talk about Nace.

"Kind of. Not really solely his fault, but he isn't making it better, either."

Matej reached out and grasp his hands, putting a stop to his nervous tic. Jan looked up again. Matej always made him feel small, in one way or another.

Not because of their actual sizes, but because he always held such a mature presence Jan could only hope to imitate to a degree. He could never quite measure up.

"Does he...is he hurting you in any way? Is he treating you badly? Tell me what's going on."

Jan stared at him in confusion then began shaking his head.

"It's not-it's not about him. I mean, it kind of is but-" he took a deep breath, trying to arrange his thoughts in a way that made sense, "I don't want the cursed soul bond. I never did. You know that."

Matej pursed his lips. He always did it when he was unhappy with something Jan did. Like that time he attempted to climb a three at age five and fell off, breaking his arm.

"I know that you said that to mom and dad, but I didn't think you were serious! This isn't a religious thing Jan, for fuck's sake! I can understand rebelling against everything else they said but this-this is insane!"

Jan pulled his hands from Matej's grasp and crossed them over his chest. His hair was up today, and the slight breeze caressed his burning soulmark.

"That's not your decision to make. I am not a child."

"Then don't act like one!"

In that moment, everything stopped. Jan felt like he stopped breathing even.

"When you stop acting like a child, we'll stop treating you like one. Why can't you be more like your brother and sister?"

Jan felt very, very cold all of a sudden. Like the chill overtook him from inside out. Matej's words echoed in tandem with his father's.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. Just-please think this through. Give it six months. If you still want to do it after, I'll give you the contact you need."

"Six months? Are you insane?"

He scowled? Six months? It had barely been a month since Nace joined them and it had already been torture. He had to endure it for six more months? No.

Matej didn't shrink under his sharp gaze.

"It's half a year. I am not letting you ruin your life because you were sleep deprived. You can think it through properly. And besides, if you win-and I do think you will-you will have Eurovision to go to anyway."

Jan had an urge to scream, to yell at him. That it wasn't fair and that he was prolonging his misery the same way mom and dad did. But he was scared if he said that, Matej might withdraw the offer completely.

"Fine. But you will give me the contact of the doctor who does it if I still want this in six months?"

Matej's jaw was clenched, but he didn't look away.

"Yes."

He took his coffee and drain it in two gulps. Matej really hated when he did that. Then he put the money on the table and got up.

"Right. Thanks, for that I guess. See you around."

Matej's hand shot out and he grabbed his wrist before Jan could escape. He looked like he was bracing himself for something.

"I love you, you know that, right? I don't think I say it enough. I know we aren't that close and that mom and dad only made it worse but...you are my brother and I love you no matter what. Alright?"

There was a lump in Jan's throat. He tried to swallow past it but he just couldn't.

"I-“ he paused, those two following words stuck in his throat, choking him, “you too."

Why couldn't he say it? If Matej got out of that house and learned how to say it, why couldn't Jan?

Matej smiled at him and squeezed his wrist gently before letting go.

"Alright then. Go make some trouble. But also get some sleep, please."

Jan nodded numbly before he turned and finally left. He drove on autopilot and only halfway through realized he wasn't driving to his apartment. He drove to Kris'.

He sat in the car for awhile, simply parked in front of it. There was no way he'll tell Kris about getting rid of the soulmark. But maybe...he could still talk to him?

He did his best to go up two flights if stairs without overthinking it and turning right back around. He and Kris knew each other for years. Kris was there to pick up the pieces after Jan cut contact with his family. He wouldn't turn him away over him being irritable.

Jan rang the doorbell and waited. He thought he heard two voices before the doors opened, and once they did, his suspicion was confirmed. Both Kris and Bojan stood at the door.

"Jan?"

Shit. This was a bad decision.

"Um. Sorry, I didn't realize you'd be busy. I'll just go."

"Don't be ridiculous. You drove all the way to here, come in."

But the cold was still wrapped around him like a cloak. With his hair up, he felt too exposed to risk anyone but Kris’ company. Conversation with Matej left him raw and vulnerable. He didn’t want to risk anyone else seeing that. Even if it was just Bojan.

He shook his head sadly and watched as Bojan’s face fell and Kris grew worried.

“Sorry. We can-I’ll talk to you guys soon, yeah?

He stepped back, putting more distance between them. Alone was safer. And while Jan knew he couldn’t solve his issues alone, he wasn’t ready to ask for help. Not just zet.

At first, Jan went right back to ignoring Nace as much as he could. Interacted with him only in a group and never directly unless he asked him a question.

Then, slowly, something started to shift. His brother's words chipped on him. Not that he was really going to give Nace a chance. That thought made all the alarm sounds in his head blare at maximum volume.

But he was going to cut the connection between them in a few months anyway. So surely, there was no harm in letting him get just a bit closer. Talking to him on occasion, for a start.

The first time it happened, it was just an ordinary Tuesday. They had a break during practice and Bojan had helpfully supplied them with chips, cookies and some other snacks Jan didn't care enough to check. He preferred salty snacks anyway.

Jan got to the table last, but instead of taking his usual position next to Jure, he sat next to Nace, at the end of the table. He saw Nace's eyes go wide for a second and he went very, very still.

Instead of addressing it and making everything feel more awkward, he nudged him.

"Can you pass me that chips?"

Nace stared at him for a moment, as if not comprehending his request.

"Sure."

"Not the tasteless salty ones! The paprika ones!"

Nace chuckled and handed him the correct bowl this time. Jan took a handful and stuffed his mouth. He saw Kris roll his eyes as he delicately took one chips at the time.

What a diva.

What he also noticed was that Nace didn't take any. He furrowed his brows, trying to remember if chips had gluten in them or not.

"Do chips have gluten?" He asked, after swallowing the chips.

The last thing he wanted was for Kris to snap at him to not talk with his mouth full. Nace once again, looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Some do, but not very often, I don't think."

"So why aren't you taking any?"

Nace chewed on his lip. Now he was the one avoiding Jan's gaze.

"Don't like them."

Oh, bullshit. Jan could see the way Nace eyed the chips before turning away. Was this some sort of diet thing? Or just Nace eating healthy in general?

"What about the rest? I am sure Bojan got some gluten free cookies too, he is usually careful-"

"I really don't want to eat anything right now," Nace snapped.

Well, alright then. He clearly struck a nerve there. Nace pursed his lips, and Jan saw the cogs in his brain turning.

For once, it wasn't Jan who was a rude one.

"Why are you suddenly talking to me, anyway?"

Jan raised his eyebrow and gave Nace a little smirk.

"What? I can't change my mind and want to befriend a bandmate?"

Nace eyed him suspiciously, but then Kris asked him a question and their conversation essentially ended.

It made Jan begin to pay more attention, though. How Nace was very careful about what he ate, and not just about gluten related things. How he was the only one that could keep up with Bojan's talk about going to the gym.

He might have went on a deep dive himself and found old pictures of Nace. Of when he was fat. Jan felt like he swallowed stones. This was something he deleted for a reason and Jan still went looking for it.

He closed all the tabs and leaned back in his chair, trying not to feel guilty.

For fuck's sake, he couldn't stand the man! And it wasn't like he didn't just dig around publicly available information!

Except, it felt icky. It wasn't that Nace looked bad before just-he clearly didn't want anyone else to see that. Was it also why he was so careful about what he ate?

Goddamn. Was this why he found Jan attractive in the first place? Because his self esteem was still so low he was content with someone being an asshole as long as they found him attractive?

Jan groaned and rubbed at his eyes. This wasn't healthy. He should just drop it. Get to know Nace like a normal person.

The issue was that he was never good at dropping the issue. Once he began digging, he needed to know. Most people would get frustrated when they couldn't solve an equation.

Jan, though? That only made him want to solve it more.

It was similar with people, although it didn't happen nearly as often. Jan usually wasn't very fond of people. The last time he research someone thoroughly was Kris.

Which was something Jan would never, in a million years admit to him. But sometimes, Jan simply wanted to rearrange something to see how it worked.

He wanted to rearrange Nace and understand what made him tick.

Matej did say to give him a chance. So, Jan would. Research was part of giving him a chance. He couldn't exactly give him a chance without finding stuff about him first though, could he?

So, he sent a simple text to Jure.

Me: Do you want to come over tomorrow after practice? I have sweets. And a cat

Jure: Why does it feel like I am getting bribed? 😸

Me: Is that a no?

He waited impatiently as Jure typed, drumming his fingers against his knee.

Jure: Obviously it's a yes. I am just wondering what I need to do to get those 😹

Nothing much. Just give him all the information he had on Nace. That wasn't asking too much, was it?

Me: I just have some questions about Nace. Nothing major

His message stayed on seen for an awfully long time. Jan started to think Jure would say no. But then finally, a message came forward.

Jure: Alright.

Jan put the phone down with a satisfied grin. Usually, finding enough stuff about things would get him to stop obsessing over it. Once he learned all he could, he could move on.

Which was how he ended up with Jure on his couch, chewing on the chocolate cookies he liked. Even Igor decided to cooperate for once and was contently purring while curled in Jure's lap.

"So," Jure said after swallowing the last bite, "what exactly did you want to ask me about Nace? I wasn't even aware you guys were close."

Jan had to play this carefully. Jure could be very perceptive if he put his mind to it. Thankfully for him, he often wasn't, his attention easily shifting from one thing to another. So as long as Jan kept him preoccupied with something else...it should be fine.

"We aren't. I just...felt bad about ignoring him. But I don't really know how to go around talking to him, so I figured it would be easier to already know things about him so I know which topics to go for and which to avoid."

Jure hummed thoughtfully, taking another cookie. Igor meow loudly, annoyed at sudden the lack of attention. He settled as Jure began petting him again.

"I'd avoid religion and food, for one. The two of you will definitely not have a fun time talking about that. You can ask him about his dog, Ollie, he loves talking about him. Music is also obvious answer. Oh! He also mentioned he is considering doing some pottery classes? Something about his sister taking them and him wanting to try? You can ask him about that."

He didn't notice the way Jan froze with a cup of tea halfway to his mouth. Religion? Food, he guessed why was a sensitive topic. But he found nothing about religious aspect from his research.

"Religion? I wasn't aware he was religious."

Jure dangled a piece of cloth in front of Igor, making him reach out and attempt to catch it with his pawns. Jan discreetly took a sip of his tea.

"Well, perhaps religious is generous. I don't think he goes to church, but he is...what's the word? Spiritual? He definitely believes in God."

Of course. Of course, Jan's cursed soulmate had to believe in God. Destiny had always been a noose tied around his neck. Why would it stop now?

"I see."

Jure huffed and gently put Igor to the ground.

"Don't be like that. Nace is really nice, okay? And he doesn't push his beliefs on others."

Jan did his best nit to roll his eyes. Maybe he didn't push it towards just anyone, but that didn't mean he wouldn't do it if he ever found out about their connection. Not that he could tell Jure that.

Igor hopped over to his lap, clearly annoyed by Jure's contact movement. Jan scratched him behind the ear, earning himself a satisfied purr.

"Noted,” Jan paused, considering a most neutral topic, “Anyway, anything new with you?”

Jure's eyes lit up, and even before he spoke, Jan knew he was going to mention his soulmate. Their connection was by far the strangest one Jan had witnessed.

He met her, of course. Nika often showed up to their concerts. She was a small redhead with bright blue eyes and a smile that matched Jure's sunshine energy.

When they were together, it was like seeing the purest connection. They had the ability to communicate without saying a word, but that wasn’t even the most fascinating part.

It was like they moved differently when they were around each other. Like magnets, pushing and pulling against an invisible field only the two of them could feel.

It scared Jan half to death when he thought about it for too long. Not being himself when he was around someone else to a point even the way he carried himself changed.

"Oh, I met up with Nika recently. She is doing good. A bit overwhelmed with all the exams at uni, but yeah. She is smart, she'll do great."

Ah, yes. University. Jan hadn't been to his in ages. Technically, he had an exemption and could just show up for exams in February, but still. That was something he should consider doing after things calm down a bit.

"That sounds good," Jan hesitated, biting his lip, "Actually, can I ask you something?"

Jure lazily stretched. Like a cat, without a care on the world. Jan's stomach was turning.

"Yeah, shoot."

"Do you ever wish she wasn't your soulmate?"

Jure opened his eyes abruptly, staring at him in shock. Jan winced at the way he blurted it out.

"I mean...do you ever wish she was just a friend and your soulmate was someone else? Or that you were like Kris and didn't have to worry about it at all?"

Jan turned his attention to Igor, suddenly very interested in the black and white patterns on his fur. He waited for Jure's answer patiently.

"I wouldn't say Kris doesn't worry about that at all. But to answer your question, no. Nika is special to me. She will always be special and there is probably no other person in the world that will understand me as much as she does. But that doesn't stop me from loving other people romantically."

Jure was fidgeting with his hands, as if searching for the right words to explain himself.

"I know our connection isn't conventional, but I don't need it to be, y'know? And I think that, in most cases our soulmates are exactly the people we need to help us grow."

He met Jan's eyes suddenly, blue eyes pinning him in place. Jan flayed open, as if Jure could see right into his soul, or what was left of it.

"You don't usually ask personal questions. You like that neither of us talk about our families or soulmates much. Something is different."

Jan swallowed. He opened his mouth and closed it several times, but no words came out. Then, finally:

"Can you ignore it? The connection, I mean. Can you...carry on, as if there is nothing."

Jure sighed.

"This is not a hypothetical discussion, is it?"

Jan went very, very still. Was he truly that obvious? How could have Jure even began to figure it out?

"Can we pretend it is?"

Jure stared at him silently for a moment. Then he popped another cookie and he chewed it almost aggressively while glaring at the wall.

"In short, no. I don't think you can ignore it. Maybe if you have an incredible amount of self control, which you do not by the way, then yeah, maybe. But I don't think it's healthy. Especially not when you are around them all the time."

Jure stood up suddenly and Igor, spooked by the sudden movement, jumped out of Jan's lap and hid behind the couch. Jan slowly rose from his seat, too.

"I appreciate the cookies and Igor. But if you'll excuse me, I will now go on a walk and try and forget we had this conversation. For the record, though, as much as I love you I think you are being incredibly unfair."

Jan flinched at that. That stung, especially from Jure. Jure was mostly carefree and rarely judged anyone. So for him to throw something like this in his face was unusual to say the least.

He walked to the hallway and began putting on his shoes. Jan walked after him, his heart heavy.

"I thought at least you'd understand," Jan said desperately, trying to get him to understand his side, "With the dynamic you and Nika have..."

"We talked about it. Multiple times over the years. You don't-you can't build anything by keeping it to yourself."

Jure rubbed his hand over his face. Then he grabbed his coat. He hesitated at the door, though.

"I won't tell Nace, but I think you should. There is a lot more to him than you think."

"Like what?"

Jure stared back, his eyes narrowing.

"That's something you'll need to find out for yourself. Until then, I'd prefer to pretend we didn't have this conversation."

Before Jan could even begin to think on how to respond to that, Jure was out of the door and rushed down the flight of stairs. Jan stared at the empty space that he occupied only moments before for a moment and then gently closed the door.

Something about the manner Jure spoke rattled him much more than any of the other interactions. Kris, Matej,...they all had reasons to oppose him. Kris, because he wanted what Jan had, Matej, because he was afraid of Jan regretting his choices.

But Jure? Other than having sympathy for Nace's position as a newest addition to the band, what reason did he have to oppose him?

Was there something more he was missing? Or was he truly in the wrong here?

As he thought about it, he went to run his hand through his hair and he froze. His hair was still up in a bun from earlier. And with the way Jure was sitting, he’d have a good view of his soulmark from the side. Since Nace’ was always on display, and with Jan’s unsubtle question, it wouldn’t take Jure much to come to the right realization. Fuck.

Jan flopped down on the couch and buried his face in it. He'd consider talking to Nace. Tomorrow.

#jance #my writing #joker out #nace jordan #jan peteh #inertia

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