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mszegedy · 4 years

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30 Days of Autism Acceptance: Days 17-26

This is a list of questions by @autie-jake (full list here), where you’re supposed to answer one per day for every day of April. I keep forgetting to do these daily, so here’s all the days since my last post. My last post is here.

April 17: Have you experienced ableism before? If so, how did it feel and how did you handle it?

Yes! Actually, it made my childhood so bad that my brain decided to forget it. So, clearly nothing to write about here.

April 18: Discuss how you felt when you felt when you first learnt you were autistic vs how you feel now.

I’m not good at the whole “remembering how I feel” thing. My memories of my feelings are all semantic memory. I know as a 6th grader I thought autism was super cool and I read a whole autobiography of an autistic savant because I wanted to find out more about it (Born on a Blue Day by Daniel Tammett). After a lot of intense research, I decided that I couldn’t conclusively self-diagnose, and regretfully slinked away back into not understanding or advocating for my needs. Sometime later, an actually autistic coworker of mine looked at me for like five (5) minutes, and was like, “Hey, have you been diagnosed with autism yet?” I’ve since adopted her as my second mom, for that and other reasons. I’ve had very few moments in my life when I was sad to have an autistic trait, and I got over it fairly quickly.

April 19: Talk about scripting. Is scripting something that you normally do? What kind of situations do you have a script for? Does it help you?

People don’t like my apologies, so I have a couple apology scripts saved. Otherwise I tend to just wing it and fail spectacularly. The apology scripts tend to sound… scripted, but they’re better than just doing it myself, I think.

April 20: Discuss stimming. In what ways do you stim? What does stimming mean to you? What do individual stims that you do mean? Do you have any stim toys? What would you like people to know about stimming?

Pressure stims are the most important stims for me. I’m more likely to be squeezing a part of my body than not. If nothing else, I can cross my legs tight and squeeze them together. This doesn’t have any specific function; it’s just something I do that makes me feel better. When I’m stressed, I do it more.

I also do motion stims. Often my way of locomotion is more like dancing. This is a little strange, because I don’t otherwise dance. I always feel happy, relaxed, and in control when I do that. When I’m sad or tired, my feet are too heavy for it. I am also very animate with my hands when I talk. When I taught English in Hungary for the first time, the first question I was asked whether all Americans talk with their hands as much as I do. (I don’t think they do. I have it on good authority from at least one American I trust utterly that the way I use my hands is rather unique.)

I have two improvised stim toys for pressure stimming (a scarf for wrapping very tight around limbs, and a butterknife for applying waves of uniform pressure). I also recently found one of those head scratchy thingies, and now I use it every five minutes or so. It’s a little inconvenient with headphones on, but I’m rather creative with it, anyway. I don’t actually like light touch or tickles, but generally the head scratchy thingy can be given enough pressure to provide a substantial stimulus.

April 21: Give a shoutout to some of your favorite autism blogs/autistic bloggers

UM. HMM. Like 10-50% of the people I follow are autistic, but hell if I can remember any of their handles.

I reblog from @nonbinary-hawke and their native issues-related sideblog @finding-my-culture like multiple times a day but I’m pretty sure they kinda just tolerate me? I’m mostly cut off from the actual native community I’m supposed to be part of (the Siberian one), so I try to follow American native issues with kind of a “not my lane but I’m still sympathetic” vibe, and their blogs are most of my way of keeping in touch. But we have a lot of other random things in common too; similar age, similar neurotype, similar fandoms, etc. So I’m pretty much always gonna have a platonic tumblr crush on them, given that and how much I respect their principles.

@autisticadvocacy is ASAN’s official blog, I think, and it’s always posting useful and relevant articles.

@autisticjoy and @autismisaokay are two blogs I’ve followed for most of my time on tumblr. I get the majority of my autism-related content from them.

@autistic-noodle is the first autism-related blog I ever followed! I highly recommend her; if I haven’t unfollowed her after all this time, then that means that they’ve never reblogged anything that’s triggered me, which is pretty darn impressive.

@bogleech is my favorite webcomic artist, which is a vaunted honor coming from someone with ¾ of a special interest in webcomics. I’m not actually sure if he’s autistic, but he posts enough autism-related content to justify being on this list one way or another.

I’ve definitely learned at least one useful thing from @autisticlifehack. What was it? Who knows?

@autistic-flirting is very cute, if not very active.

Shout out to @tikibats and @dreamfriend, who I actually know IRL.

April 22: What are some social rules that do not make sense to you/that you don't understand?

I’m, uh. Actually not sure? I can usually explain stuff if I think hard enough. There’s some stuff I’ve never bothered to figure out, but none of it’s so pressing that I can actually remember it.

Oh! Actually! One night during freshman year of college, I went to the computer lab to do my homework in a not-at-all-revealing bathrobe. I’ve received several explanations on why this was wrong, but I don’t remember any of them.

April 23: Do you have any internal rules? What are they?

LOTS, wow. If I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t have any shred of consistency whatsoever. I am nothing but these rules. Some of them feel more like strong opinions that can be taken or left, like the ones pertaining to writing style, but even those I follow 99% of the time. They range from really foundational moral ones like, “Everything with a mind intrinsically deserves your friendship and understanding,” and, “Every neurotype deserves to exist,” to, “Always wrap code to 80 columns (unless it’s highly nested like Lisp, in which case consider 100 columns),” and, “When mixing fruit flavor tea, always pour the syrup before the tea.” It’s quite the hodgepodge.

April 24: Talk about community. What does the autistic community mean to you? Is it important? How does it feel?

I haven’t had much of a chance to actually participate in any autistic community yet. I don’t even really participate in the tumblr autistic community. It’s just sorta me, my second mom, and a couple random people I get to see occasionally. (Also, my dad, but we don’t talk about my dad.) Most of my friends are neurodivergent in some way, though, so I’m happy with the people I have. (Not that I don’t enjoy hanging around neurotypical people, too. But it feels good to not have to work to make yourself be understood.)

April 25: Do you know any other autistic people off the internet? Is anyone else in your family autistic or are you the only one? Do you wish you knew more?

See yesterday’s answer! I wouldn’t do this if I were doing these day by day, but I’m totally justified here, because it’s literally the previous paragraph.

April 26: In what ways can allistic people better accommodate you and other autistic people? What would you consider helpful?

It’s a broad question. My mom has been getting better at not punishing me for my autistic traits, but the other day she still antagonized me for stimming at the dinner table. (I’m 22. Nearly 23.) So it’d be great if she didn’t do things like that. Not even gonna talk about what my dad could do better. (The ways he does accomodate me seem unintentional.)

Outside of that, I appreciate it when people give me very clearly-worded instructions, broken down into small steps, with every possible detail specified. I appreciate it even more when those instructions are in written form, because I can only remember two or three of those when they’re spoken aloud.

I appreciate it when food places with complex menus have the option to just sit down with the menu, without a time limit, and make up your order. Sandwich and wrap places, like Subway, make me very uncomfortable for reason; Subway has an extremely combinatorically complex menu, and you’re expected to make up your order while they’re making the sandwich. I’d like to spend some time staring at a sheet with each sandwich ingredient listed and explained, and the ways they can be combined, first.

The current switch to online classes has been great for my ability to understand lectures, and terrible for my ability to do classwork and homework. Hearing the lecture through headphones circumvents most of my auditory processing issues, and seeing the lecture slides clearly circumvents most of my attention issues. But when it comes to doing classwork and homework, executive dysfunction rules me. I do wish my executive dysfunction were better accomodated for even in the case of normal classes (and probably careers), but it’s hard to guess what form that would take. I’ve run out of brainpower for good ideas.

For the rest of the month I will do these questions daily, one at a time. Hopefully.

#2020 #30daysofautismacceptance

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the-nysh · 7 years

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Bnha episode 37 commentary

“Bakugou Katsuki: Origin”

HOOOOOOOOO BOIIIII, I’ve been highly anticipating this episode for a long while (manga reader here), and JUST finished watching it once – completely tense, transfixed, and holding my breath the entire time while internally screaming. :O Just…holy shit, I need to watch it AGAIN, IMMEDIATELY (probably countless times aha). So I can actually pause and break down all the glorious meta within. I’M PERFECTLY CALM! 8D (no I’m not) Hours later, I end up just under 3000 words, as there is a LOT to talk about. So HERE WE GO: my in-depth commentary on probably my most awaited bnha episode:

Alright, so first up, the anime reformatted the manga’s final exam battles to happen consecutively instead of concurrently, to save the best for last uninterrupted (THIS fight, Deku and Kacchan vs All Might). So anime-onlys missed this bus ride scene of them going to the test site (ch61), with awkward Dad Might trying (and failing) to diffuse the nervous tension between them. :’)

Now, the anime immediately starts where the last ep left off: right inside the gate without any of All Might’s pre-battle briefing. (Yup, in the manga he explained all the rules right there before they began.) With a brief recap reminding us just how tense and coiled Bakugou’s irritation has been since before the exam even started.

A big thing to note is that before this point in the story, most watchers/readers alike still hadn’t seen the full picture behind Bakugou’s actions or understood the reasons for his way of thinking. Because the story is presented in Deku’s pov, we’ve only been allowed scattered pieces of Bakugou’s pov to put together so far, so a big part of THIS episode’s purpose is finally revealing what it is that drives his character to push so hard. To be a hero (and definitely not a villain). Just like the episode’s title states, this is about his origin point. His past, present and future; his turning point from here on out as well!

So, the thoughts he recollects at the start of the ep are the set up: comparing their internships where he felt he wasted his time while Deku improved faster than him (rubbing that fact in while mimicking his moves on top of that!), the sports festival where he felt his ‘win’ was hollowly earned since Todoroki essentially gave up the final match to him. AND! Not mentioned, but his loss to Deku at the heroes vs villains exercise back in season one. This WHOLE TIME, Bakugou has not achieved any worthwhile results or milestones that he holds to the standard of his self-imposed perfectionism. Which has made him incredibly insecure in his position/progress and on edge to push himself (masked by outward anger, aggression and irritation). So right now, this final exam is where he’s hinging it all to finally prove himself as the indisputable best. He knows that position is what he should be, so he can’t afford to lose, idle by, or achieve a half-assed win again. So! He marches forward headfirst and resolute, right into the arena ahead of Deku’s hesitance and indecision.

Meanwhile, Deku knows this is supposed to be a team exercise, so he has to get through to him somehow and communicate how they need to work together to win. …So he runs up to him and info-dumps everything Bakugou already knows (not the best approach). Visibly, it’s incredibly tense to see how hard Bakugou is holding back just tolerating his jabbering. Deku’s demanding him to wait and listen, yet Bakugou warns him to stop. Deku tries to reason they should run (that they’re no match against All Might), yet Bakugou has already decided they have no choice but to face All Might. Remember, Bakugou is one of the smartest and strongest of their class, so this is not just hot air speaking here, despite how it may appear. Unfortunately, Deku misreads this and further exclaims, “who do you think All might is?!” (uhoh, Bakugou knows precisely who he is; he’s his idol too) And even a further low blow against his drive, “you can’t win against him!” RIGHT at Bakugou’s sore spot.

*braces myself* OH GAWD. Yeah, the backswipe to the face. It’s horrible and painful to watch, yes. (I think the manga’s direct impact panel felt harsher tho) But it’s important to understand it did not come out of nowhere. Bakugou warned him to stop, yet Deku kept on pushing. And while reacting with violence should never be condoned or be a proper response to anger, it’s also important to note that this marks the first time Bakugou has actually raised a hand against him (outside of battle), since before their middle school days.

That’s right: this is the only time Bakugou has been shown to hit him like this in the story’s present narrative. Which is also remarkably consistent with his behavior: Bakugou will not actively instigate confrontations against Deku unless Deku pushes him, shoves in his space, or gets in his way first. Most often, Bakugou will stay in his lane, despite how it may appear the opposite. This is consistently within Bakugou’s way of telling Deku to ‘stay down, back in his place’ and to stop bothering him. (His words: “Don’t say another word. Just because things are going better for you doesn’t mean you should talk. It’s pissing me off.”) Because to Bakugou, Deku’s genuine persistence and concern for him read as overblown arrogance/conceit while condescendingly looking down on him and his established strengths, which Bakugou cannot stand (cuz to have such a similar assuredness thrown back at him by someone he deems to be the weakest is absolutely not tolerated). As the audience, we know this misread intent from Deku is not true, plus as we all know, Deku can’t stop following him; he’ll always get back up (to fight if he must), regardless of Bakugou’s attempts to push him back.

Whew, ok. Now that I got that elephant out of the room, I can continue with the main threat: All Might, who plays his part as the villain spectacularly. (I love how both their thoughts perfectly synchronize on assessing All Might’s intimidation!) Despite how Deku’s first instinct is to run, he can’t leave Bakugou (Kacchan) behind either, who immediately engages the target. Note Bakugou’s words, “your power isn’t needed to pass.” So he’s determined to push himself until he proves just that: using his own power to win without having to rely on Deku. Even All Might notes his tenacity when Bakugou doesn’t even back down from getting grabbed in the face. Bakugou’s SERIOUS, but still cautious with his opening moves against him. Again, All Might is his idol too, so Bakugou’s calculating what moves he can use to effectively stun him and draw him out. Not fast or strong enough though, as All Might quickly overpowers him.

All Might shifts to Deku (who’s been staring like a deer in the headlights), and even goads him with the insinuation that Deku would run and leave his teammate behind. Ohh!! Flashback to Stain, a battle with mortal peril where it may have been wiser to pick everyone up and run. And…Deku’s similarly intimidated to do just that! But…his leap backwards collides with Bakugou’s incoming next assault. :’) Man, I actually really like how Bakugou delivers his warning before impact, with genuine shock? Worry? Damn it’s a good reaction.

Recovery Girl’s commentary on Deku’s admiration for All Might is spot-on. He sees him as that of a god: all-powerful, invincible, and the bearer of his own quirk, One for All. Admiring him too much such that Deku can’t even fathom how he could ever fight against him and win; against All Might would be a hopeless struggle. So Deku’s not even trying to oppose him. However…he’s not alone against him here either. ;) Neither Recovery Girl nor All Might (and at this point, most of the audience too) know what really drives Bakugou. Yet here we see a glimpse of it: to him, to win is what it means to be a hero.

THIS incites Deku’s memories of their childhood, when they BOTH equally looked up to All Might. To young Deku, All Might is the coolest hero because he saves everyone with a smile, but to young Kacchan, All Might is the coolest hero because he always wins. Even when overpowered or outnumbered. No matter what. (note how little Deku would rather watch Kacchan, instead of the All Might video)

But shit, before they can make their next move, All Might blitzes them both: a guard rail trapping Deku’s insistence to run, and a brutal punch of reality so hard it blows Bakugou’s guts out (yeah I had to brace myself for this too). Damn, Deku’s cry over his peril is so gooood. He knows Bakugou is a jerk, but…he can’t help admiring him because Bakugou has always tried his hardest to win, and always ensured his victories by walking the talk. Ever since they were young.

But WAIT?! All Might’s reprimand to him and his anger is not what Bakugou needs to hear right now. Because he already knows this. Right now, Bakugou is coiled so tightly against his own insecurities and expectations (against himself), that he’s unrealistically pressured himself into achieving an impossible goal: he MUST win against All Might on his own. An imperative all-or-nothing, 0 or 100, option. Because as he sees it now, if he relents in any way by using the power of another (Deku), it would be admitting to himself he’s not strong enough to win with his own power. Acknowledging weakness, while simultaneously forced to use underhanded, half-assed, and heck – the weakest (or so he believes about Deku) means to win. Which to him, would be the same as losing (anything less than an indisputable, perfect 100 is 0). And if he had to resort to that, he’d rather lose altogether.

HOOOOOOOOO there! *red sirens blazing* DEKU WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS IMMINENT, CHARACTER BREAKING SELF-DESTRUCTION! Nuh-uh, not from his childhood friend whom he admired precisely for his traits to never give up and lose!! Deku will not allow Kacchan to betray himself and lose the image of what he’s always stood for (victory)! So BAM! Instead of All Might delivering the final blow, Deku gains the strength to punch some much-needed common sense and encouragement back into him! YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

OH DAMN, we get an extended anime scene of Deku carrying him off to safety into an alleyway!! For the pep talk, “before you give up, at least try using me!” (In the manga this all happened while he carried him off, heck even the grip on him changed 8D) “YOU’RE YOU BECAUSE YOU NEVER GIVE UP ON WINNING, RIGHT?” (holy shit, added anime lines of encouragement) PLUS THAT FLASHBACK, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Deku’s honest and innocent crush admiration for him!!! ;A; This whole time! Deku has viewed Kacchan this way! (yet Kacchan himself still doesn’t know… :’D)

Also HOLY FUCK!? An anime-only, fucking explosive KABEDON!?!?! (I’m dead :’D) Ok, but here Kacchan finally explains his reasoning for his approach to the fight: against All Might’s crazy speed and power, there’s nowhere to run, and no way a confrontation can be avoided. He learned this as he attacked All Might earlier with his opening move. They have to face him to get through.

SOOOOOOOOOOOO…what do we get!? Kacchan (begrudgingly) AS THE DECOY, while Deku attacks using a full-powered blast from his gauntlet!!! YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Moment I love: when Deku injures his shoulder from the blow-back, feeling firsthand the amount of strain Kacchan’s under when he uses his quirk. (really, Kacchan’s arms are fucking jacked to withstand the recoil from his explosions) Deku, distracted by that revelation, admires his strength even more!! ;D (promptly reminded by him to get his ass into gear and run too, aha!)

DAD MIGHT’S MONOLOGUE!!! HE HAS ABSOLUTE FAITH IN THEIR FUTURE COOPERATION AND RECONCILIATION AS A PAIR! Perhaps not resolved now, but undoubtedly, this is just a first step towards them achieving greatness together. ;A;

In the manga’s official translations, those emotions paired over Deku and Kacchan were listed as ‘envy, disgust, inferiority’ vs ‘awe, rejection, conceit.’ ‘Hate’ hadn’t been used.

Hooo, they even manage some light banter as they escape towards the gate. D: ‘It doesn’t look like (he’s) chasing us, don’t tell me we knocked him out…?’ K: ‘Bastard, didn’t you keep saying there was no way we’d beat him, you idiot?!’ XDXD Ahhh precisely, Deku’s still blinded with hope/admiration because of him. :’))) Kacchan knows that wasn’t enough to take All Might out, already telling Deku what their next steps will be when he catches up…

OH FUCK, TOO SOON! All Might blitzes them again!! D8 Instantly destroying their strongest means of attack (both gauntlets) and….oh fuck…bodily slamming them against each other in a whirling display of raw, overwhelming power. (even the spectating students back with Recovery Girl are aghast in shock at the brutality) Chastising them that their cooperation together was only a prerequisite to passing the exam. WHAT ELSE CAN THEY DO?!

Ayyyy, Kacchan’s inner monologue where he’s reminded just how insurmountable the power of the Greatest Hero is: ‘this man is the highest wall in the world.’ :’) But in proper, classic ‘Kacchan’ fashion (revived!! thanks to a certain Deku ;D), he doesn’t give up here. Firing a point-blank retaliation blast right where he’s pinned underneath All Might! 8D

HIS PAIN from the rebound!! ;A; And…ohohoho? An up close and personal warning (whoa there! ;D in the manga he just grabbed his forearm one-handed) that’s he’s gonna fling him to the exit, with his trademark ‘Die!’ attack phrase. :P Buahahah! Classic.

THE PAIN…THE PAINNNN!!!! Both in Kacchan’s overworked arms and in Deku’s poor breaking back from All Might’s retaliating New Hampshire Smash almost snapping him in two! D8 FFFUUUU!!! Hell, even Kacchan reacts to that! (Deku slamming onto the ground and ricocheting off the bus is really…yike. D8)

But SHIIIIIIT!!!!! MY BOYYYYYY!!! He goes to Deku’s aid! 8’D And FUUUUUU how I love how the anime emphasizes the sharp, throbbing pain pulsing from all the stress his arms are under – his gauntlets allowed him to fire at full power without risk to himself, but NOW… He has to go above and beyond (quite literally, ‘plus ultra’), to ensure Deku secures their win. ;A;

AND HOW!! (Added my fav manga panel for comparison) Unleashing the same full-power, stadium wide blast he used in sports festival – twice here, Deku notes!! (ahhhh Kacchan rearing back, clutching his arms :’DD) Urging Deku to move for the gate! His comment here is telling: “I can still move more than you, with your cobbled-together power!” He knows Deku is a recent study with his quirk, so Kacchan has to be the one who must engage the enemy with what limited firepower they have left. THIS decision…he chooses to become the protective decoy covering for Deku to make it through! (despite all the pain) :’D But that’s not all!! Once All Might slips through the smoke aiming for Deku…Kacchan’s RIGHT THERE! Sacrificing himself as a shield for him!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! ;A; Like how Deku borrowed some of his power earlier in this fight (sharing the gauntlet), Kacchan now demonstrates some of that same noble quality inherent to Deku: the power of heroic self-sacrifice. (which All Might admonishes, as it’s a self-destructive, traumatic trait he’s all-too familiar with…) And YET…!

Even after a blow meant to knock him out of that destructive habit, Kacchan still keeps fighting!! (ohhhh my god his broken voice here..!! ;A; heck, even All Might stops smiling) Uwaaaah my boyyy!!!! ;.;

Deku’s reaction is the same as mine: ‘KACCHAAAAN!!!!’ But he’s driven to act with what he does best: to SAVE him despite all odds (with a smile!), JUST like when he ran in to rescue him from the sludge villain all the way back at the start of the story. Because if Kacchan’s ever in danger, Deku will ALWAYS be there for him. :’33 And what does he do!? Punch All Might (is idol, alike that of a god) in the FACE for Kacchan! It’s been pointed out here before, but it’s doubtful if Deku could be driven to react to the same extent – punching All Might, if it was any other teammate paired with him. Because as the story will continue to prove, only Kacchan can get Deku to react with such emotional extremes. :’)

Taking one from Kacchan’s page again, Deku’s not one to leave this as a ‘half-assed’ win either! So he carries him with him through the gate!! (Kacchan’s long unconscious by now) Deku cannot leave him or secure the ‘indisputable’ win without both of them achieving it together. :’))))) OOOHHHHHHH!!!! ‘That’s just the kind of person (Deku) has always been,’ indeed!

Aftermath: (uwaaaah my boys!!!!!)

All Might acknowledges both Deku’s growth AND the fact that Bakugou, too, always smiles in response to facing an insurmountable wall. THIS is a trait both boys share, which is also a trait inherent to All Might. Here we see a glimpse of the fact that both boys form the two halves of All Might: his quality to win (Bakugou), and his quality to save (Deku). Respectively representing the traits they also happen to admire most from him, ever since their childhood together. And by learning to work together appropriately, after proving in the exam they can cooperate when it matters most, together they have the potential to become the best heroes in the future. All Might recognizes this, and proudly envisions both of them continually growing much stronger from here! :D

(Villain scheming tease with Shigaraki’s foreboding preview at the end. Ohhhhh damn, how I sincerely hope for a season 3! The events that escalate from here on out I consider some of the strongest in the story. Their adaptation will surely be a huge treat!)

To finalize:

Where Deku needs to learn how to control his quirk without suffering irreversible damage to his body, Bakugou needs room to grow and understand that compromising to work for less than a personal 100% best, and conceding help from others, does not mean the same as a compromised win. Nor does it mean he’s weak for accepting the cooperation from others either. (In many cases, inspiring teamwork and camaraderie is a beneficial strength.) He needs to learn how to meet people half-way, and from THIS episode, we see both his origin and turning point revealing the depths of what he’s capable of. Depths that had always been there, but have been brought out into the light thanks to Deku’s positive intervention. :’3 Despite what they may feel about one another (mostly thanks to misunderstandings and a lack of proper communication), they remain each other’s strongest driving force for positive development in the narrative. Which will remain a consistent, and most rewarding dynamic to see grow throughout the rest of the series.

#bnha #kacchan #bkdk #meta #commentary #episode discussion #welp if it wasn't obvious bakugou is my fav ;D #THERE WAS SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT!!!!!#i can't believe i took almost 100 screencaps D:#squeezed in as many as i could ahahaha #it's hilarious how i start all composed then devolve into incoherent screaming 8D #.....and transition between 'bakugou' and 'kacchan' like mid-way thru because of the context :P ahahahah #goddamn this is so loooong XD #just means i liked the ep A LOT ohoho #plus the anime definitely added a bunch of servicey expanded content ayyyyyyy #will definitely be rewatching this ep for a while ;D

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