#i can't keep lying to myself

[the-new-hip-priest]

.

#i can't keep lying to myself #my name is hannah #and i have developed a massive schoolgirl crush on wes borland #you're meant to grow out of limp bizkit #not grow to love them more as you get older #am i regressing? #i guess all i can do #is keep ROLLIN ROLLIN ROLLIN WHAT

[gomzdrawfr]

it's hard loving yourself

#i can't keep lying to myself #how do you love something that is so unlovable #i'm poison. i come from poison. i have poison inside me and i destroy everything i touch. that's my legacy. #i pour alcohol into the gaping hole inside my chest. it does not heal. not today. maybe tomorrow. maybe it wont heal ever #smoke fills my chest . empty it can be #yet so full of your absence #im nothing but an empty husk of what I once was #and a big part of me was already forcefully ripped away from me when you left #hello hi im back with ghoap angst #can you believe its been a whole week since i drew them #anyways #gummmyart #doodle #simon ghost riley #john soap mactavish #soapghost #ghostsoap #angst #implied mcd

[ataszhaa]

WE COULD'VE HAD THIS BUT INSTEAD WE HAD THAT BS LLORUMI WTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

#lavashipping #kai ninjago #cole ninjago #i can't to this anymore #dying in peace is not an option #but being delusional is an option #idk if this is real but im gonna keep lying to myself???????????? #i still can't believe we were given that garbage ass called llorumi what the fuck

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

dietitian warned me the other day i may need to go inpatient if this keeps getting worse and it hasn't left my mind ever since. partly because i don't see the reason. i am literally gaining weight. and also because a non-zero part of me wants to go back inpatient and i don't know why

#and also because self destructive impulse go brrrrrr #steadily lying more and more about being full again so that's fun #unfortuantely eating disorders are chronic and will only go into remission not go away entirely!!! so if i just die that will solve that #problem right :) #personal #tw suicide #tw ed #puddleglum hours #i don't want ot have to keep myself alive anymore!! i am so tired #i don't even have a diagnosed eating disorder lol #hilariously funny to me in a terrible way #diagnosed with Big Sad disorder (mdd) but not Can't Eat disorder which is what i originally went to get help with when i first reach out to #a doctor #you know how often i regret that? so so often #im just here like LET ME DIE when the two times in teh last two days i have been Left Alone With Knives i have Talked Myself Out of using #them #in part because im scared of trying and failing again #in part also because i don't want to scar my siblings yknow?? like a friend once said that sometimes you refrain from doing things for othe #people and not yourself and i think she was so right

[arklay]

WIP DAY.

tagged by @girlbosselrond @morvaris @aartyom @risingsh0t @phillipsgraves @leviiackrman @indorilnerevarine & @denerims over the past month! sorry it's taken me so long to get to anything at all, i'm sure you guys have heard me address it enough, but thank you all so much for continuing to tag me in things while i've been inactive ♡

tagging @aelyosos @brujah @calenhads @florbelles @jendoe @lightwardens @liurnia @nokstella @nuclearstorms @shadowsofrose @shellibisshe @steelport @swordcoasts @wrymbloods @voerman & all of those who tagged me again cause i'm so behind + anyone else who'd like to share anything they're working on, not just writing! ♡

i haven't written anything since the last wip game i did, but i started trying to put diana's timeline together at the start of january, so i mean... i'll show that instead. as you can see, fatigue hasn't let me do much with it even though i've got all of her timeline already done and strewn about all over the place.

started with 1995 onwards cause it was originally going to be an ewskers timeline situation, but then wanted to include all of her backstory so i went back to the start and still have the late 80s and early 90s to get through before then, but yeah :]

it's going to include like all little moments i've thought of between the ewskers just for me and placing them on the timeline, so you can imagine how long this is going to get if i have to go to 2021 for village... like just 1996-1998 is going to be so much... she's very special to me if you couldn't tell already lmaoo

never sharing this though, it's just for me, and like will help for when i do her timeline page (more in-depth version of what's on her oc page) to just run through canon events and brief descriptions and whatnot. you understand.

everything is blurred out besides 1995 ewskers momence and the years, just cause like idk her i feel weird sharing her in-depth backstory unless it's in dms or something, just cause there's lots going on there and yeah. things. idk

i also made a carrd for twt if you wanna have a look at that :] there's some cheeky subtle things with the two resi items i used as pics hehe

actually, you know what, i'll give a lil bit from where i left of with that rewrite anyways, even though it's been months since i wrote it. but why not

Wesker left a fleeting kiss behind her ear then reached around her and hooked his fingers beneath her coat, prompting Diana to glance back at him. But all he did was gently pull it from her shoulders. She watched him from out of the corner of her eye as he hung it up on the rack by the door, his movements careful and almost calculated, until he turned back towards her, and the warmth of his body returned once more. He pressed up against her side this time, as opposed to her back, and one of his hands found a home on her waist. The way the arm it belonged to was resting firmly against her as he began leading her towards the kitchen was comforting, secure, yet unmistakably possessive. And she revelled in it. He had quite the knack for handling her just the way she wanted.

#tag games. #keep going to do picrews and just zoning out 😭 i'm so behind on literally everything but it's fine it's okay (lying) #i'm having a day and a half even though i woke up feeling okay but oh well. my last month has just been like watching videos during the day #or playing games when i have a bit more energy but like i can't do anything that requires me to actually read or write things like words #are just not computing in my brain at the moment but it's okay like i'm just exhausted and hoping soon i can get back to writing because i #still have over 30 wips going lmao but yeah it's been a time a half with lots of appointments and seeing specialists again and trying to #sort things out. i've been more active on twitter which i've mentioned before but it's just because like it's easier for me to sort of just #like and rt things and not having to do my organisation tags and things like i know that sounds so just small and simple but that's how #i've been lately like to my brain rn that seems like a really big task. so i just keep coming on here randomly for a few minutes then #disappearing so i'm sorry that i've definitely missed so much and i haven't been around to just show my appreciation and love to your #creations!! also just everything that happened in december and then a bit at the start of january too like i'm just a lil paranoid about #being on here honestly so i'm trying to get back to it and be okay with posting again and i'm going to make a promise to myself to actually #filter more tags i think? just to help me with like not exposing myself to things that do make me feel uncomfortable in any way!! i'm #rambling now but sorry sometimes i just need to lmaooo idk but yes so cute lil subtle things from my carrd i wanna talk about cause why not #i didn't have to change the blue herb from re0 besides making it brighter because it's already teal toned which is so sexy but i shifted #the hue on the spade key like SLIGHTLY like it was so little. but anyways. i use this emoji ✨ on my twitter name and yes cause sparkles but #also. three stars. the s.t.a.r.s. badge and logo :] then blue herb because i will have no poison in my safe space!!!! take a blue herb or #leave please!! only good vibes and safe space here!! spade key because i'm ace <3 i was going to include the diamond one in there as well #because am demiro and like those are the symbols in the community. ace of spades for ace. diamond for demis (both orientations) #but wasn't sure how to weave the pink through the rest of the carrd even though cyan and pink together is so pretty omg

[stereax]

woohoo spiraling out of control right now (what else is new really I've been fucked up and spiraling for weeks now) and trying to figure out reasons not to delete my tumblr and discord and myself along the way

but you know. talking about myself on my blog automatically means I'm attention seeking and fishing for pity right? should just shut up and stick to the news eh, it's all I'm good for :D

anyway if you need me I'll be in the corner reliving the past, coming to terms with reality, and trying to convince myself I'm not the problem despite every indication to the contrary ✌︎︎

#sterechats :) #09:58 pm - this is a bad idea but scheduling it anyway #what's the worst that can happen really? everyone leaves again? nobody talks to me again? #probably gonna delete this in the morning so. meh. not like it matters not like I matter :D #10:29 pm - wow it feels like my head is on fire #like my brain is actually burning and I can't do a damn thing about it #I should be happy right now! the devils are winning! my favorite guys are scoring! #but no! I'm barely keeping it together around my family and praying I don't wake up tomorrow <3 #11:00 pm - I need to get out of here #I need to get out of here out of here out of here I can't stay here any more this is killing me #everyone hates me and I need to chew my arms open maybe then everything will make sense #why am I even writing these tags what does it matter #I was so much more in control of myself when I was sh-ing #maybe I should get back to that maybe it'll help I don't know anymore #I just want my friends back but they hate me hahahaha #11:24 pm - wonder how many people are gonna block me after this one #how many people will finally be fed up and leave for good #everyone leaves and I should be used to this by now #here's a truck stop instead of saint peter's (yeah yeah yeah yeah) #11:41 pm - it's friday afternoon/there goes antigone to be buried alive #in the next world I want to be something useful/like a staple gun/or in love #I would fall off a cliff for you/a thousand times and call it a good day #maybe I'm just incapable of being human! maybe that's it! #maybe I'm not even human at all... but something worse instead... #1:22 am - moving the posting of this back from 3 to 6 am #not that that matters and not that I matter but I don't think I'll sleep #and I don't want this to post when I'm awake #I know I'm just going to get unfollowed and blocked and left behind as always #because happiness and good things and friendships just aren't things I get to have really #I just wish people would stop lying and telling me they're different and they'll stay when they're not different and won't stay

[twisting-roads]

In my years of spending my life around so many animals, I've realized that... I don't want to keep pets. Despite how much I love animals I don't have the ability to be responsible for another living creature for such a long period of time. If the responsibility was split between multiple people then yes I wouldn't mind, but a pet that's ENTIRELY my responsibility I don't have the Capacity to always keep track of

I've had multiple animals (reptiles and arthropods) die by my forgetfulness and I feel fucking Awful about it and still wouldn't own anything past an isopod colony, which even then requires a ton of care I can't provide!

There's so many unnecessary deaths by my hands and I don't want it to happen anymore. I've tried to educate myself about the animals that I own, but I forget everything and am not a reliable person for these things on my own. Not impulse buying and preparing was what I thought would help but I was just not made for this

I'm mostly writing this as some Admission of how much I keep fucking up. Maybe someone else will read this and think about their limits as an animal owner. Because I've definitely found mine

#cw animal death #sorry for the rant but I feel the need to get it off my chest I guess #I'd been looking forward to start taking care of animals again since I was taking a break after my skink had died #but I don't think I'll do it again. and I can't keep lying to myself that it'll ever happen #avoid letting animals die please and thank you

[pomfiores]

i love that I got my two days off but. the ominous threat of falling ill was looming over me all this time, trying to land on me but because I was always moving and working, I was okay. but now that I'm off, it's settling on me. and I can't. shake. this shit. off. 🤡

#◟ ⋆ㅤㅤif my hair's a mess﹐my mind's a mess.ㅤ( ooc ) #probably gonna have to do medical leave again. idk how long this'll have me for if it won't go away now #started with a tickle in the throat now it's a headache and congestion dinansjsj no no no no no no no NO #this sucks!!!!! this absolutely sucks get this shit away #to delete * #bitterly sits on blog. to write. I'm so mad I can't keep lying down I feel worse every time #got the days off but at what cost #oh this is stupid. soooo stupid. I'm not going down like that fuck #edit: I gotta hype myself to clean. and go out to get some medicine. and a smoothie. yeah.

[running-in-the-dark]

I'm so desperately bored rn. can't do anything. because all I want to do is think about Dan or Jenkins. but I don't want to let myself do that because then I'll lie down and fall asleep and the day will be over and it'll feel like I didn't do anything.

can't even watch anything. nothing feels right. I'm. so bored. I tried drawing but. nope. head empty.

#.. except for him #which is NOT helping #I hate this feeling #someone stab me please #wanted to paint. it's been a few days. but can't. #baaad bad brain feelings #wish I could just stay in my stupid daydreams forever. it feels so much better there. #which is why I can't let myself go there right now. I can already feel myself going back to just. lying in bed daydreaming all day #like. I just. can't stop it. it's all I care about #i just want to be there #I want to be with them and I can't so everything feels pointless #how do you get over that #it keeps happening again and again even when everything's fine #idk I just feel so lost #existence is pointless #maybe I should become one of those horrible people who don't watch/read/interact with anything fictional #but then what would be left #of me I mean. #not much #ugh I'm insufferable right now #personal

[scorittanius]

question, anyone got any cat pics? i'm sort of really unstable rn and need to try to calm down..

#fuck #i can't stop crying #i can't even vocalise how i feel bc selective mutism #i feel like a fucking mess #i wish i wasn't such a horrible person #always complaining never trying to help myself #everyone keeps saying i'm not disabled in the slightest but while i know that's not true i'm scared it is #guess that's just what others think of me. a lying fraud who's been lying for so long i forget what the reality is. #i know other's opinions really don't matter but i'm so scared they're right #they know me better than i know myself right?

[bowofbalance]

It's definitely a warning sign when you start to catch yourself repeating patterns of behavior that you only learned as a way to survive in a deeply deeply bad situation with people you definitely can't avoid

#what is it with me and ending up in situations where i'm not allowed to say no #or situations where i can't make any decisions for myself #this is the third time #albeit not the most serious of the three #it definitely ranks second in terms of consequences #like i even talked to my therapist about it! #she's going to be so disappointed in me and the fact that my notebook will be full of failures #haven't stood up for myself at all at any point #at least she knows i'm a coward (“anxiety”) so we're okay #still how do i keep finding myself in these situations? #the pattern of behavior obviously being never say no because you're not allowed to #but try to get around it by still doing what's best for you secretly and with some lying #i realize it's unhealthy and bad and no one likes being lied to #but can we stop putting me in these situations please #literally ignore me #this is why i discourage being my friend as well #and also why dating would be SUCH A BAD MOVE #i'm trying to work on this behavior but man just stay away from me and don't keep throwing these situations at me

[ybcpatrick]

.

#shut up kell #i need to yammer. somewhere. #i have too much fucking happening to my brain rn #monday is the eleventh anniversary of nana dying. #i was eleven when she died. i've had to fucking miss her for as long as i got to know her. i don't know what to do with this #every single day after monday will be another day longer than the time i got to spend on earth at the same time as her #and i'm not well! and that isn't going to be something i can deal with this weekend bc i am going to be so busy #i've got barbie on friday. i'm going to a cottage for the weekend with my friends for meg's sister's birthday #which i wanted to say no to due to the timing. but of course i said yes bc i can't say no to meg literally fucking ever bc i'm tragic. #and i also know the blackout i'd go into for the first nine years after isn't smth she would want for me. so i don't do it anymore. #i'm going to have fun and i'm going to be fine but i would be lying if i said i wasn't regretting this fucking thing rn. i don't wanna do it #i don't want to do anything. i want to have time to prepare myself for this. i need to have space to get myself ready for this shift. #but i won't get that. and then it will be monday and then i will be in the true After. #i thought ten years would be the worst one. that was nothing compared to this. #and i'm sick to my stomach thinking about next year #and the year after it. and the year after that. and the years after those. #i shouldn't have to go through this. she should have been allowed to stay. i wasn't ready then and i'm even less ready now and i want her. #i want her back and i cannot fucking have her and i will have to live however many more years beyond this without her until i'm gone too. #and then i'll just have to hope and pray that i get to go wherever she went without me. #what a cruel existence. what a horrid thing to make me do. having to keep walking this earth as her ash dances on the surface of the sea. #i'm going to bed. i will not feel better tomorrow but i'm used to that. #i'm okay and i always am and i will make it through. somehow. kicking and screaming the whole way. #i'd trade all my tomorrows for just one fucking yesterday. yeah. fuck off.

[lisbonsteresa]

doing so well

#they keep getting these little parallels and i'm inching closer to the edge with every one of them #i need this on here too though because i'm thinking too much about them going from #i can tell when you're lying to i can tell when you're not being sincere #there's a lot behind that little shift and i'm making myself crazy but also I'M reading this as a hint that there will be a moment #when he's being sincere but she can't tell (followed quickly by a moment when he is and she can and that might just be --) #tm

[anthosaidsmth]

my back pain has been there for 2 weeks straight now. Usually back or leg pain is on and off instead of just there permanently, it's different. I'm getting worried about it but people keep saying I'm just overreacting cuz I was not actively showing that I'm in pain & they took that as a "I'm fine"

#I can't do anything. I can't go up and down stairs without putting myself in excruciating pain. Every step I take hurts. #I can't even roll over when I'm lying down. That's how bad it's getting #I feel like I'm getting worse with each passing day. physically and mentally #my mind is getting more and more jumbled. I just got up to turn off the light despite that I've turn it off not too long ago #I can't remember things. I keep stumbling over words. I can't focus on shit #it's getting worrying. the fact that I don't know what's wrong with me & if it was just a temporary thing or if I am currently seeing- #myself slowly going down this spiral and deteriorating with every day passed #and my body isn't making it easier all the pain #I'm just so tired #I can't even do anything about it because of course no one listens to me #personal vent

[vanessaaftonsgirl]

.

#every time i look over what i write it feels like something a 12 yr old spit up #trying to write a stob fic rn and i have to keep telling myself not to read over it too much so i don't feel like bailing lmao #also my old fiction professor just lives in my head when i write now and he had this thing with ly words #so anytime i use one i just hear his voice like oh do we need that? should we search your doc and see how many you have? #jokes on him when he did that one of my characters names ended in ly lmao #i can't even be annoyed tho cuz he was one of my fave profs and gave me such a high compliment on one of my pieces #even tho the man is published by harper collins and we write completely different genres #ANYWAY theres two wolves in my head one that says i can't write and one that says i can #fiction prof is on both side #s #kaylee speaks

[gazelessmenagerie]

( can someone just kick my brain into writing mode. I tried switching it off/on again asldfjg )

#|| Tag: OOC #( its like I GOT IDEAS BUT SOMETHING GO BRR ) #( asldfjg also I think another thing is that I just dont feel connected to people that much. ) #( been doing a lot of thinking on why (outside of gd work and school) that i just dont have as much fun writing..? ) #( not that its driven low. I just don't feel like there's much point if all I get back is like a lukewarm response ) #( or only a like on a thing. or just nothing at all. ) #( its not meant to be accusing anything. just what I observed from myself and how I react to it. ) #( idk its wierd! but i want to try to break through it a bit. get things rolling. get myself invested into things again bc othwerise I just #( cant keep with something if I dont feel like what I put out is interesting enough to keep going. ) #( and i say that knowing i need to step up a bit too. scary but fuck man. im tired of this lukewarm existance. ) #( though I will say its nice to see the rpc getting a little bigger. but also its understandable that its scary to branch out afnlsdjg ) #( or it could be that my brain is lying to me bc I can't infer tone in text only mediums that well. ) #( afnlsjg idk but fuck man. something needs to change with me or something. i will fight my brain in a 487 episode fight for this gd passion