#i am upset and i dont know why but i know how to make it worse and im tryinh not to

[supercalime]

I can’t believe I found people who think about this the exact same way as I do. I don’t get these hardcore buddie stans who suddenly try to make it look like buckTommy shipper are the toxic ones. I haven’t seen a single BuckTommy shipper who was rude without a reason (maybe a bit defensive about their CANON ship). Whereas I’ve seen plenty of incredibly toxic buddie stans who insult everyone who doesn’t ship their ship or share their opinions.

Another thing and don’t get me wrong Im not defending anyone. But I’ve seen many people heavily bullying the marisol actress because she’s apparently homophobic (not saying she isn’t or is) and wanting her to be gone beacause of this reason but totally ignore the alleged racism of ryan (again not saying he is racist or not, i dont know them personally) just because he is part of their beloved ship. By their logic Ryan should leave the show too.

Hey anon, it took me some time to answer your ask (chaotic life stuff lol) but I’m glad to finally have time to talk about this first part with you.

I’ll preface by saying I won’t get involved in actor drama, no matter how true or toxic it is because I don’t have enough information nor am I qualified to talk about the issues they mishandled. I’ll just say that, no matter who does bad things, they should be held accountable.

Okay, back to the main point: yes, it’s very strange how b*ddie st*ns are behaving towards the canon bi!buck thing. Both with people who ship bucktommy but also with the creators and actors on the show. Regardless if they are right or not about b*ddie being canon, this is not how you act with entertainment, specially with the people giving the content.

I hate to bash but it looks and sounds a lot like a toddler throwing a tantrum because they didn’t get a specific toy.

And toddlers only throw tantrums because they are brand new humans who are learning how to behave. They don’t know any better so they react with outbursts and repeated demands because it’s the only way they know to get the attention of the person taking care of them.

If I’m not mistaken, the main audience for the show is 18-45. NO ONE here should be yelling in comment sections “we want buddie! we want buddie! we want buddie!” as if they would immediately get it. It’s not how it works and it’s frankly embarrassing to see a bunch of adults acting like that for everyone to see.

And I can’t stress it enough, I’m not putting myself on a high ground here and saying I’m a better person by shipping bucktommy, as I’m sure there might be a percentage of fans out there being rude and annoying as well. But at least I’m keeping my conscience clear by not acting like me shipping two characters is something big enough in my life to ruin my enjoyment of a whole show in case my favorite ship doesn’t become canon.

I hate how fandoms behave as if they can have control over the content they are consuming. We aren’t entitled to anything and if there is supposed to be ANY discourse about which character was supposed to end with, that should happen AFTER the show ended! The story isn’t over yet! So why are b*ddie st*ns so stressed? If a show is making you this angry and demanding, please step aside a little, give it some distance because that’s not how consuming content is supposed to make you feel.

And I say that last part with sincerity because I too got way too involved with fandom discourse in the past, to the point that I had to distance myself from certain shows because being that involved made me upset.

Im just tired at this point you know. Im trying to protect myself as much as possible. Im not in the bird app, I don’t follow the show or the actors on social media, im avoiding interviews like the plague. All I want from this experience is to watch the show, gather my thoughts, form my opinions, log onto tumblr and reblog the cute stuff I see about my favorite ship without having to worry about whatever the hell is going on outside my pretty little bubble

#lety rambles #ask #911 #911 abc #bucktommy #tevan #firefly #firepilot

[lunarharp]

"Found out" set in kind of a made-up chapter where the girls are in trouble, or something.

#witch hat tag #orufrey #i hate having a strong cinematic image in your mind for months..working hours on it..& at the end looking you have to be like “Sure. :/" #i'm especially unsatisfied with the beginning and the end and how i can't get eyebrows to work as i want #but i dont care any more... this is probably the comic that has given me the most trouble ever i just dont care #i barely even care whatsoever if anyone even sees this..Ugh..but at least i can move on to the next era now #i'm just annoyed i cant get out good enough my image of qifrey flinching bc he thinks oru will hit him but then he is not hit #i feel like sensei will do something along these lines. i want to see what she will do. #there are also other variations i have in my mind. i just want to know #i just don't want it to happen with qifrey on his deathbed or something. but it possibly will. I DONT EVEN KNOW. #i have another very cinematic image in my mind for something sort of along those lines which i will do soon. it never ends... #btw after this is probably my fics. yeah.... i think it has to be my fics. jasmine sort of goes along these lines #i need that space for dialogue. look - i'm a writer. this is HARD for me. so i am really glad i had the space and freedom of words #to process all the feelings. but i tried to get something out in a quick visual space too. <- me defending myself to myself at cai court #anyway going along the lines of 'Jasmine' - they talk this out and argue and cry and oru pushes the hat at him and tells him #why not just erase every memory i have of you then. That would be easier for us all wouldn't it? #they kiss and sob and kiss and lie outside in the flowers for many hours in that one. and then there's 'Deep End' where it turns out #way way way way more time and words is needed for this actually and that's upsetting for everyone. #the destruction of the hat is certainly another path to take. Can you make this work without that hat going up in flames? #something you have always had and have been clinging to will have to be destroyed. You have to lose something now. This is the crux qifrey #I CANT GET IT OUT IN ONE COMIC!!! I CANT DRAW IT OUT!!!! I NEEDED THOSE FICS!!!! PRAISE WORDS!!!! whatever im going to have dinner now

[smokbeast]

Ok uhm. I been getting weird things about human fang. Please dont, call him weird things? Or question why I make a character white, or of color. I do what I want and I research it. If you see a character of mine and they are human expect them to be heavily based on where I'm from. Don't put comments like that under my things. It's making me really uncomfortable and feels really racist

#he got called a yeti and i dont know how to feel about that #if i make a character black or white thats my choice cause its my interpretation #my intepretations are based off myself or family and friends i am hispanic #i am white passing but i am not white. #stop putting weird comments #dont be fucking weird in my posts #im getting kinda upset #fang is poc but he has albinism. that is all. even then if he was black #OR white thats not your problem. #its my FUCKING choice #actually it shouldnt even be a problem #why is it bad if i make a white or poc character #were too old for this bullshit yall

[sophiethewitch1]

in my hater era

#sophie speaks #tw vent #like. what. what??? #i do try not to upset anyone with trauma dumping or whatever but sometimes that bites me in the ass because people assume I'm not strugglin #struggling hugely #had one of my most violent meltdowns ever recently and it was after pushing myself to do something #and you know. thats on me #but saying like #im NOT trying?? #i dont want to start any problems but oh my GOD what do you think being sick constantly does to a person #what??? #trying to be a proper adult here but i am quite upset #idk how are you supposed to deal with shit like this #express this has upset you and that you are having a hard time #but then they dont believe you?? #trauma dump it is. hope you enjoy my psychiatrists notes #like im level 2 support needs autistic. i need a little fucking leeway or i genuinely try to kill myself #i KNOW its pathetic i KNOW its weak but my number one priority is keep myself alive #im so tired #ive been suicidal for like 7 years now #my life sucks so incredibly hard and I'm in constant pain and that just #it doesnt make me willing to deal with this shit #cripplepunk core lmao #cripple and im going to kill you #this is just geniunely upsetting #i feel like i need a good cry #i really am so tired #i feel like i just dont want to do this #why am i paying for this? why am i doing this? #if im not enjoying this why the fuck would i do it

[jinstronaut]

this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh

#and i might do it again bc its just #a reminder that no one rly cares abt what i do / who i am etc #which might sound over dramatic idk how else to describe it tho its just hollow #it feels very much like a Chore and a Task and if i dont reblog things fast enough from my tag #people get very angry and/or upset with me even tho theres just #so much content and i have 0 time so everything gets queued no matter what #like this whole experience feels like a chore lmao #and it never ever used to #but now theres so much animosity if i dont behave / interact with things Properly #or whatever the make believe rules are idk #this dash can just be so negative like have we all truly descended into madness during this hiatus #bc like i get it ive been up and down and all around too but ive never been straight up MEAN to anyone in this community #and i never want to either so this entire situation thats been bubbling for months just feels like shit #bc what the fuck changed and how do we get back to where we were #i never ever ever ever felt this way before like idk the middle of last year #but ever since like last fall its just been idk. Bad #once again im sorry if ive ever done anything to upset anyone but my silence / absence doesnt mean i dont care #ive just been Incredibly busy due to some real life changes that are out of my control #i might not have energy to answer everything but i do Read everything and it does make me smile #and i save messages that are kind in my heart so i can be reminded of the root of what this blog is supposed to be #a space for something im very passionate about and previously had nowhere else to express said passion #so like idk if we all like the same things why does this weird feeling of competition linger over us lmao #why do all ccs have to fight???? each other???? when we all love and do the same things???? #i have nothing against anyone personally but what i Do take issue with is the way that ive been doing this since 2021 and im fully just #ignored and shoved aside by so many people for reasons i fully dont know or understand #so yeah idk this is a novel i just woke up from a spontaneous nap bc im so exhausted i can only stay awake for 3 hours at a time #but yeah anyways idk ! #be nice its so easy ! #tbd

[milkweedman]

I am sorry you've been harrassed by terfs, but the way you are currently trying to weed them out seems a bit misguided. As in, the vast majority of terfs are in fact ok with big hairy CIS men. The so-called men they are actively hating are trans women/transfem people. So by acting like you proclaiming your love to big hairy dudes is the best terf-repellant you seem to be missing the point at best.

i'd love to actually respond to your concerns or whatever the hell it was that you were trying to convey with this ask, but it has almost no basis in reality so i literally cant.

thats the one statement on how effective i think the banners are that has left my queue so far. which is: i hope it works but also have literally 2 other backup plans already in case it does not. i dont know why youre calling that "acting like [me] proclaiming [my] love to big hairy dudes is the best terf-repellant", because thats wildly off target from what i have actually said at any point. everything else youve said is also pretty much either dead wrong or ignorant, so im getting the feeling that you not reading has been a problem for a while.

(ive also not mentioned terfs this entire time--ive been talking about radfems and using the word radfems. they're not the same thing although there's large overlap. so like. thats strike two for zero reading comprehension, buddy. cause you are literally not talking about the group im talking about and youre also inventing whole new sentences that i didnt say.)

#obviously reading ability does not equal intelligence. more about the wild overconfidence of someone who didnt bother to check if they #even read a statement correctly #i misread things all the time which is why i also dont barge into strangers inboxes to insult THEIR intelligence #because i know theres always a chance im completely wrong and i dont want to be an asshole #anon you could give that a try #like what am i even supposed to say to this ? i dont think its the best terf repellant and have never said that ? #but if you know so much about them go ahead and tell us your suggestions for how to get rid of them #im skeptical that they will make any sense at all but im always open to new ideas #(feels nice to be condescended to doesnt it ? i assume thats why you were condescending to me so im returning the favor <3) #anyway other than this fool thank you all for the supportive asks im glad youre enjoying the banners ! so am i :D #way too soon to tell if theyre working (no radfems yet but i usually get a wave of them every couple months so i wont jump to conclusions) #but just as blog decor theyre already great #there are many many asks though and i dont enjoy when this blog is less fiber craft than other stuff #so im reading each one and appreciating them but please dont be upset that im not responding to them or posting them #i have the first 2 i got in my queue and then i got like 20 more so

[softshuji]

y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.

#i was thinking abt it earlier #but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why #actually i do kinda know why. #i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me #earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject #too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i #was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often #especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d #everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just #cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even #consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural #but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other #peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something #something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they #move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less #sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can #always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response #and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone #it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything #not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i #feel like im not actually being heard or listened to #and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you' #or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore #god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it #for everyone else all the time #is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say #this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice #god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover #and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel #like they actually like me

[notorioushiphopcrew]

also i sent an email i kind of regretted. but also feeling that a large part of that was formed by the very intense emotional state i was in where i was experiencing crazy anxiety and doubts and shame about the way i acted and i felt like everything i wrote in that email was so terrible and also i felt so emotional and so ashamed of it and so sure everyone who knew it woild judge me and know how irrational i am and i could tell logically it probably wouldnt be a big deal but couldnt feel it and like. i feel a bit awkward now but ive fully calmed down and honestly? it was kind of fine actually. its just been a while since ive been UP THERE in that kind of state and i guess it kind of does give you perspective on how your emotional state really affects you so deeply and your perception of things. and like yeah i might retract a few things or be like "eh not mt best move" on some things but realising overall it doesnt matter and i can FEEL that. it is really crazy how many problems exist in your head and you can understand logically its not rational but you just have to bear it for a bit

#but thankfully i calmed down #but damn its been a while since ive been like that #wondering if this also ties into experiences in fhe past and fears about not being taken seriously or being seen as overly emotional #for no reason #that definitely played a big part in things #idk why im oversharing on the internet just felt like maybe i should start postinf all my random thoughts #and experiencing a bit of emotional clarity like after you reach a more balanced state ans go “damn i was strugglin” #but yeah.... #ig my fear and anxiety really was #that i would be seen as so overly emotional and illogical and i wouldnt be taken seriously #and also in addition #the fear about thinking i have not communicated well how others acted torwards me and unneccessarily painting them as villians and using #language that was emotional to describe their actions #and my emotions were so strong i couldnt even handle to remember what i had wrote #but honestly i set clear boundaries and have explained my side of the story and although i dont know if i expressed myself perfectly #yes others did upset me and in my opinion act badly no i dont think its a long term issue and yes i will be taking distance from that happe #ing again #sometimes writing down your thoughts really makes them properly observable to you for the first time #and i am thinking about this writing this post

[dullerndrounder]

uh oh sorrh folks no more vaguely concerning posts where i elude to suicide the hoes say they're "worried about me" and so i'm in time out.

#you know who you are and i love you and i appreciate you #genuinely your concern is sweet #but also please never look at my tumblr i will delete it and make a new one under a new name again #please don't observe me i hate being known #why do the people in my life have to be so cool and enjoyable and likeable and lovable #i just want to completely isolate myself again and start from a new slate #so then i don't have to worry about how everything i say might be remembered or change how people see me #uhmm!!! cringe alerttt!!! i'm not a real person!!! #dont use deductive reasoning or context clues or emotional intelligence or read my posts and form conclusions about who i am and how i feel #i'm not REAL you utter fool i'm a generative text model i'm just spamming the middle predict button!!!! #also i doubt anyone is upset #aside from me but who cares about that dweeb #i guess you're welcome then for not being emo on... this isn't my main but whatever.

[piplupod]

i think what upsets me most, besides the fact that this means no more accordion unless i somehow miraculously get it fixed, is that despite my best efforts to be careful and not mess up, i still managed to make a mistake and fuck it up. despite understanding and appreciating how expensive and valuable and fragile this instrument is, despite my best efforts to keep it safe and in good condition, i still managed to mess up and damage it.

like ... I just mess up. I have something nice, something of value, and I cannot seem to keep it safe and taken care of. things end up ruined. shirts get holes, dresses get stains, electronics get battery acid leaking or cracked, dishes get broken, book pages get torn or bent, trinkets get chipped, instruments are bonked and rattled. i am so terrified of handling anything that things most often just stay sitting in lidded bins so they are safe from carpet beetles and dust and dirt and food and me.

i just feel awful, i dont understand why I can't just keep things safe and in good condition ?? why is this so impossible for me, especially when i care so much ??

#i think this is partially why i dont allow myself any good art supplies #I got a set of charcoals several years ago and I've barely touched them bc im terrified of fucking them up #but if i get smth from the dollar store? that stuff is getting used immediately #bc its cheap and its not very good quality #im not afraid of using things up. im afraid of ruining them #im such a careful person too but i just. always end up fucking up some time #idk what is wrong w me #this sounds so melodramatic but god im tired #i still feel sick that my nice shirt from the 70s got a tiny hole burned into it bc of fire sparks that i didnt know were around #like i just. cannot have nice things idk. i have the absolute worst luck it seems like. or maybe i just am not careful enough #idk how to be any more careful though honestly fhfkdl #like i either keep things stored away safely sealed up or i am exceedingly careful in handling them #and do everything i can think of and find out to make sure nothing happens #and yet ! #i just feel like a massive idiot for this idk fhfmkl silly me to think i could be trusted w this instrument #there are some websites and videos teaching ppl how to fix accordions but... its complex #but i either attempt a fix myself or never play it again bc getting a professional is too expensive #so ... i guess I'll have to take the dive and tinker w it if i want even a chance at playing again #im just terrified I'll break it even further #also i dont think i have access to everything I'll need for fixing it depending on whats gone wrong #so idk if it'll even be possible even if its doable like. i need Tools and leather and felt #i have spare leather scraps but no felt :| #and no special pliers fjfkdl #argh argh im so upset w myself for this #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[cookies-over-yonder]

cookies sad hour whining hour ignore me (<- actually loves attention)

#i'm sad because i wish people would message me first more #i'm always the person who messages first #but when other people send me messages it makes me feel like oh you actually like talking to me and wanted to reach out and talk to me and #are giving me attention without me messaging first #i am a person who needs a lot of attention #and i don't mind asking for it bc i'm the kind of person who says what i want and need #but i get really sad at it sometimes because #when i'm feeling depressed or anxious then i isolate myself and if other people were to reach out to me first more then it would be less #likely to happen #like i even just want people to check in on me every now and then. ask me how i'm feeling if i've mentioned going through a depressive #episode #or whatever mental troubles #idk why i'm feeling so emotional about this suddenly #like i don't mind messaging people first but i guess when it comes to me struggling badly then i WISH people would message me to ask me #how i'm doing #@ all my friends reading this i am not upset at anyone at all btw i'm just lamenting about being a mentally ill extrovert #almost no one messages me first which is whatever cuz i'm chatty and used to initiating conversations but i guess it also makes me sad #i dont ask people to because i'm not about to force people to be doing something that is uncomfortable for them #i do ask people to check in on me though if they know i'm having an episode #idk if it rly happens though #i just sometimes fear that if i stopped pulling my weight in relationships due to a mental health crisis that all of my friendships will di #because i'm the one who initiates everything #again i'm not upset at anyone i'm just lamenting about being a mentally ill extrovert #vent #you can heart this or reply or whatever idc but rbs are off for obvious reasons

[nakeurnes]

oououuuowowaah story of undettale

#TSUAUSUSBGGHyzhaa i HATE OUR BROTHER I HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH NO MATGER HOW HARD I TRY all GHE SHIT I DO TO TEY AND SYMPATHIZE WITH HIM HE #FUCKING THRNS AROUND AND IS A DICK TO ME FOR NO RESON AND !!!! YLS AT ME FOR NO REAON SOMETIEMS SHUT UL SHUT UP YOURE LITERALLY 13 STFU #i fucking hste it here i hate being fcjingg 18 and having to share the sMe room with him i have sincd he wzz BORN. #GOD. ONE FUCKING NIGHT ALONE WIYHOUY HIS ANNOYING ASS I CSNT EVEN JERK OFF OR STAY UP LATE OR LISTEN TO LOUD MUSIC #AND LIKE IM HALDWy fhinking OH! OM BEING IRRATIONAL jd spLITTING AGAIN AND I AM. BYT HE IS JST A DICK I HATE TEENAGE BOYS I HOPE HE DIES #hes SO FUCKING MEAN hes cslldd me slurs and a bitch multiple times in the most derogayory way and i hate him #he knows abg the zysfem too snd just CHOOSES TO IGNORE IT APPARENTLY DOESNG CARE WHO HES TALKING TO. #auuggh moments i regret being ghe host i hate it here. #i hate our familh theyre just fu jing mean yhis shit builxing up is whzg made me snap in the first place!!! and couldng host for a long time #andd now im upset and spiralling and i dont wang to be a bother espcially sijce spe ific ppl i wantto talk to arsnt thefe an d it makes me #very very bvery sa d i msis my friends #i cry everry day miss ing them i have beene really liking remembering things with nicki #no onee knwos wht im talking about or wjo i am #i dont want to be useless please need me i jave no other purposs #im a nuisance to ppl whow ant to front #i sit here living in the past that doesnt exist anymore and pray every day for it to come baxk knowing it wont ever come back #i miss . my friends i dont tthink they like me #im too pushy when im happy and when im upset im too cold i never make anyoke happy an d i talk too muc h and it hurts wberyone #icant even ve of goo d use to mmy actual children in headspace im an awful mother i cant stay stable enough tk help anyone or do anything #me being here has only caused problems and I remember why i left before #me when i spiral and makenmsyelf sonmu h more upset than before #vent #shelly

[aroacesigma]

this is like . a genuine question because i really dont know . when it comes to teenage angst and all that , is it normal for your younger sibling to be physically incapable of going a single day without giving you a bitch face for asking them to help with the chore they just got told to help with (like . cleaning up the kitchen.) and then proceed to yell at you and make fun of you for asking more than once . like is this just the sort of thing that happens . every single day . because im not sure i can take this for another two years

#ramblings #just going to preface this by saying i am *fine* i promise #but i dont actually know how to explain how shitty she acts towards everyone in this family #and then she flips it around once you get pushed to breaking point and snap or yell #i dont know how much longer i can take from this because i jsut feel so intensely guilty #that i really want to just hurt myself . cause im the worst fucking brother int he world why am i making her upset this must be my fault #even if rationally i know its not #even if she isnt crying ! even if shes YELLING at me for asking her to do something that shes supposed to fucking do ! #i dont want to clean her fucking hair out of the drain its totally my right to ask her to do that right? #but then i feel AWFUL because she obviously doesnt want to and its my fault and really i deserve a lot of pain because of that #just going to reiterate that im fine i swear i just really needed to get this out somewhere sorry for the rambling #vent tw

[cryptojuice]

take this with a grain of extremely drunk but at this point I'm my journey? now? I'm like literally the idealest person in the world and I think everyone else has something wrong with them

#is it autism? is that why people don't just fuckin communicate with me? #my autistic superpower is im TOO GOOD at communicating and everyone else is behind me. #im already in the 'so how do we meet our needs' stage when other people are in the avoidance stage or the self awareness stage #idk. idk. fuckin tired of it #tired of games tired of excuses tired of IMMATURITY #tired of being more grown than people in their mid 30s. tired of being more grown than my parents in their mid 50s #tired of being the ONLY person i know ACTIVELY working on their flaws and making progress #maybe others are just working on things i dont notice and maybe others dont notice what im doing. but idk. people have seemed to notice. #is it because im becoming buddhist? am i like more fucking enlightened or something? #i would hope that wouldn't be the only thing causing such a disconnect cause that sounds fucking pretentious #im drunk cause i was upset. remember yhis if you're reading these tags #im not upset anymore cause i got drunk. and made a really good omelette #but yeah i feel so different from other people. so much better and also so much worse. hashtag paradox #best communicator deepest thinker most compassionate soul. also most horrible awful sinner #↑obsessed with the concept of sin in a fascinating way for someone who doesn't Believe in it #yes im a sinner yes im a real sex demon from hell no hell doesnt exist yes reincarnation is real yes i am buddhist yes i believe in ghosts. #i contain multitudes #anyways #i was supposed to *** ** ***** *** today and i didn't so I got grumpy i guess #i really need to practice the principles of detachment #I've gotten a lot better at patience and calm and meditation but i still care so much about inconsequential shit. enough to drink it away i #i should sleep i was trying to fix my sleep schedule the last two nights #but i don't want to. i want to drink and have fun and maybe cry #we'll see #doubt anyone is gonna read this it's mostly for me #gonna tag this #therapy #so i can find it if i need it #i just miss my girlfriend man. but she stood me up again without a word and it's disrespectful #and i know I'm gonna forgive her

[strwbrymlkshake]

Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(

#mine #oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times #but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry #like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie #im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc #i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me #thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related #anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that #ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired #// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always #because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life #like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing #me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little #so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die #every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt. #well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he #is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him #every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again #but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh #i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT #I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time #like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me #he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do #he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away

[pika-blur]

sega went you know what. were gonna make it 3 bosses with telegraphing issues actually

#first it was supremes little turrent things that gave you an unavoidable damage cutscene if you never destroyed them cause the fight never- #tells you thats what youre supposed to do to progress the fight #then theres the new end fight where you Literally Cannot Target The Bit Youre Supposed To Cyloop Unless You Dodge #after the game made a really fucking huge deal about the perfect parry and youre constantly thrown perma damage orbs making you think thats #how youre supposed to progress #now its not knowing where the fuck the blue missiles are in a fight with a tight timer #who is making these i will find you #admittingly the fights with supreme and the end are way more egregious about it but at least i dont have to replay a whole fucking stage- #and hope that gives me enough leeway in the fight because it lasts way too long for the first run i did of the stage #sonic frontiers spoilers #sonic superstars spoilers #blurry babbles #i am upset gamers we are feeling it tonight #they should have just reset the timer when you get to the boss hhhhhhhhhhhh #they did this in mania i dont understand why they didnt just do the same thing here