#i can finally stop posting about my damn rainbow dress now i wore it and it was very warm

[solar-halos]

ballad appreciation post

i’m so happy :D. i’ve watched ballad twice this week. the second time i watched it w my brothers i didn’t have anything to say about it bc i was mostly just on edge about not getting kicked out of the theatre but since i teased a breakup over this Boyfriend was on his best behavior so i actually got to watch the movie without anyone asking a million question a scene. in related news we have another lucy gray truther on our side. here are some of my thoughts

1. tom blyth opening screen …. i still got jumpscared seeing him in the nude

2. the way they pronounce lucy grays name still catches me off guard. i’ve been ignoring the “i” completely and just say “bard” in my head (yk bc she’s The Bard). with that being said i know the mayor was in like 2 scenes but i think he did a really good job picking out lucy grays name he looked crazy

3. hunter schafer is my eyebrow inspo. also i’ve mentioned this before w the bathing suits having a 1920s and 50s vibe but she’s giving 1940s to me. but obviously glamor 1940s not war ridden 1940s

4. watching this w someone who hasn’t read the book is so enjoyable. when lucy gray dropped the snake down mayfairs shirt Boyfriend got SO tense “waitwait did she just try to fuckin murder her??” god forbid women do anything

5. okay sorry but the first time i watched it i was trying not to smile (in a laugh-y way) when lucy grays singing part came on. when i read it i thought that part ate but actually seeing it was so different for some reason. i think this feeling might be amplified if you’ve never read the book bc my sister felt the exact same way she said it was kinda fuckin cringe. idk if it was just bc we were at home or she was just feeling silly but she started singing that one camp rock song that’s like “we can’t back down.” which ok yeah that was kinda lucy grays song in a nutshell but it kinda did piss me off bc the “you can kiss my ass!!!!” part was coming on soon and i was stressing over them missing it. also didnt lucy gray have a full on dance break in the book?? god. they should have kept that in

6. okay that scene where she bowed and d12’s nasty ass coal industry being in the background is still one of my fav scenes. ugh loved it

7. wovey idk what it was this time but when she was like “im rlly good at climbing” i almost burst into tears. guys she’s really good at climbing

8. hunter schafer literally killed this. i’d argue that tigris is just as much of a product of her environment as snow is but i don’t rlly know how to articulate that

9. speaking of the reading vs watching thing i mentioned earlier: it rlly jumped out with grandmaam. idk why but when i was reading it grandmaam was SO scary and intimidating to me but watching her so frail and skinny and slightly senile talk about how lucy gray is a killer just seemed so crazy. especially since we know snow believes her

10. “they’re gonna get bombed aren’t they” wtf i walk into every movie clueless how are ppl straight up predicting entire events. but again w the reading vs watching i was GAGGED when they got bombed in the book but in the movie it seemed weird?? like “get the camera on her” and then it just feels like they’re trying to take up space until the actual bombs land. but whatever im being so bitchy i wasn’t surprised bc i literally knew it was gonna happen

11. “i want coral making my latte” and i want tanner on the grill

12. i think it was tanner, but i rlly liked his outfit. i liked all their outfits actually. i’ve been watching so many reels abt the costume designer explaining her inspo for the costumes (like tigris and her 1940s glamor thing going on)

13. okay seriously why did they cut out the kiss… and then when they actually did kiss why did they have lucy gray pull away at first…… i know francis lawrence saying this was a love story was icky but he did a bad job at portraying that so maybe we were worried for nothing (jk we were worried for all the right reasons bc if i had a nickel for every time someone said “i thought they were gonna get married!” about lucy gray and snow i’d have two nickels. which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice). also not to be a hater but snowbaird fans actually fucking irritate me. like the fans that are like “but what if it was wholesome 🥺🥺” what if lucy gray tried to kill him and he tried to kill her back? what if he managed to track her down and she bit him again? what if they hate each other so much that they’re only together bc they wanna see the other person suffer? what then

14. tbh seeing billy taupe made me feel a bit guilty 😭😭. almost terminated my ao3 acc but i get that feeling every time someone mentions something im obsessed w in a very casual way so it wasn’t rlly that serious. also someone either on tiktok or insta was like “was i the only person who preferred snows curls to his buzz cut?” and i genuinely couldn’t tell if they were joking bc like. everyone prefers snows curls to his buzz cut. even snow prefers his curls to his buzzcut. with that being said billy taupe needed to lose the cap

15. ngl the ballad of lucy gray baird actually did make me cry a bit… lucy gray was only 16 she needed to be on tumblr

16. where’d she get that guitar from tho

17. i wish they would have kept in the tributes death parade. that part was icky

18. okay there was a scene where lucky had a drink and then he flicked something off it and pup (i think that was his name) flinched cos it landed on his neck that was so fucking funny i hate that this was the first time i noticed it

19. okay seriously why did they make dill get poisoned. also that cornocopia scene. hmph

20. the first time i watched it i remembered being really confused why lucky called mizzen Merciless Mizzen. but omg after he tried chasing lucy gray down in that vent i understood that was crazy of him. and it did seem like he was an actual teenager which actually made it more unsettling. i feel like rachel zegler has a baby face (i actually think she was 17 in west side story and she looks the exact same now) but mizzen’s actor sing singing her name was perfect

21. lamina at the beam… didn’t she manage to kill someone in the book??

22. “does this mean we get to go home??” god i wish

23. but also “please lucy i can’t have killed all of them for nothing” i liked that she didn’t call her lucy gray that was a nice touch. but also. what a crazy thing to ask. i wonder if she thought lucy gray would be chill w that

24. take this with a grain of salt i haven’t read the books in so long but when snow snuck up on lucy gray in the meadow didn’t she level her guitar at him and then be like “sorry lol i still have one foot in the arena :P” they should have had her hit him in the face w it

25. the old therebefore still hits. i wish they would have included scenes where snow is shown to genuinely dislike her songs like in the books. in the movies he seems more disinterested in what she’s doing which is still bad but also it doesn’t seem as overt as him literally hating on her for no fuckin reason. which i guess is bc we have no insight into his head, like i think someone pointed out that in the book and movie he cried over sejanus being dead but in the book we know it’s bc he was scared it was gonna be him next but in the movie it just looked like he was sad. which i get it he’s perceived as nice by other people but the audience is not supposed to be other ppl we know what his motives are. im not sure how that’d be solved, cos i guess it would be pretty annoying to have him voice his thoughts and you also don’t wanna spoon feed ur audience but like. idk. seems like something you’d wanna make super clear bc to me it didn’t seem like you were supposed to like / sympathize with him, but the way it was done kinda seemed half baked

26. speaking of that… Boyfriend did not get the memo that snow was fucking crazy. “i thought he was gonna marry lucy gray in d12” WHY? like why would you even think that. were u not paying attention during the hunger games trilogy marathon where would lucy gray fit into that. since my sister thought the exact same thing she tried being like “see? it’s confusing” but it actually isn’t. that’s still a better reaction than my brother he was actually being a fucking weirdo about it cos when snow found lucy grays scarf in the woods and then the snake bit him this mfer went “she tried to kill him” no!!! but i think there might be something to be said about how snow, completely sober, came to the same conclusion as my brother, who was so high he couldn’t even remember who sejanus was

27. okay that’s a lot of sibling lore so atp i think i better end the post. bye

#the ballad of songbirds and snakes #long post #i can finally stop posting about my damn rainbow dress now i wore it and it was very warm

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #384

“watch your tongue or have it cut from your head”

Do you post to say happy birthday on other people’s walls? Sometimes. Depends on my mood and the person. When was the last time you saw a rainbow? Idr. What’s your favorite television commercial? I don't watch TV enough at all to have one. And who has a favorite commercial, anyway? Do you trip a lot? I don't really trip a lot, but kinda fumble over my footing and stray a bit. I'm horrible at walking straight, and it's gotten worse as my legs have. How old is your television? The one in the living room is god knows how old. My parents were still together when they bought it. When did you last talk on the phone with someone? A couple days ago for my appointment with my psychiatrist. Are you currently sleepy? I'm quite convinced I'm permanently tired. Are you hot or cold natured? I am ALWAYS fucking hot, ugh. Do you take any advanced classes? I took mostly Honors classes in school. Do you have weak upper body strength? My body is just weak as a whole. What is the worst insult someone can call you? Emotionally weak. Are you good at sketching? If we're talking meerkats, haha. They're the only complex thing that I can freehand no problem without needing a reference, honestly. Ever play Angry Birds? Nah. I thought the movie was cute, though. Have you ever been to the zoo before? Yeah. Has anyone ever been weirdly obsessed with you? No. Are you afraid someone might steal your identity someday? It's not something I actively worry about at all. Like, you don't want my identity, I promise. Do you have any talents that come naturally? Growing up, adults always told me I was a "gifted" artist and writer. Also that I seem to have an unnaturally strong connection with animals. I've always been that person where a pet's owner is like "omg ____ never lets people do that" and whatnot. Have you ever had plastic surgery before? I haven't. It's funny though, how opposed to it I used to be... Like goddamn, I was such a fucking stupid and honestly judgmental teenager, regarding many things. I look back on her and cringe. Like damn dude, if you have a safe surgical procedure to help you enjoy the body you're stuck with the rest of your life, you go for it, boo. Are you afraid of airplane rides? Not really. What’s the best Valentine’s Day gift you’ve gotten? There was this one year where Jason had to go to work on Valentine's Day and I was super bummed, yet he still surprised me with a heart-shaped box of chocolates, roses, and a game I really wanted, Heavy Rain. I thought it was the sweetest. What is something you lose often? My phone. ;-; Do you enter a lot of sweepstakes? I don't enter any. Do you consider yourself physically active? *chuckles nervously* Do you have Netflix? Yeah. Favorite salad dressing? That Olive Garden replica you can buy at the store. Do you enjoy dancing? Once upon a time I did. My body could never handle it now. Have you ever considered writing a novel? Many times. Snow or sand? Snow, by twenty thousand miles. It is VERY hard for me to walk through sand, and I also hate hate hate hate HATE the sensation. Do you like sour candy? Heeeeeell yeah man. Have you gotten any injuries lately? If so, what & how? Nothing notable. Are you a clumsy person? Like you would not fucking believe. Last male you talked to in person? I think my primary physician's nurse. Are you thinking about asking anyone out? No. Pink lemonade or regular lemonade? Pink lemonade, for sure. But I love both. Chocolate or strawberry milk? CHOCOLATE. Strawberry milk is disgusting. Have you ever won a contest on the radio?No. Is there a song that reminds you of your best friend? There's quite a few. Has a book ever made you cry? Yes. Do you automatically check your phone when you wake up? Yes, for the time. Do you know anyone who has a pet bunny? Not that I'm aware. What store or website would you most like a gift card for? Rebel's Market. How do you feel about wolves? I adore wolves. Beautiful, majestic creatures with very interesting social dynamics. Name your top 3 favorite musical instruments. Electric guitar, violin, piano. What was the last book(s) you bought at a bookstore? At an actual bookstore, I think it was The Fault In Our Stars, which I never actually read. Do you use Pinterest? Yes. Do you know any sign language? No. Do you have a favorite poem? No. Do you have a dog? No. The one we were pretty much stuck with has a home now. Have you ever read The Little House on the Prairie series? I haven't. Have you ever gone on a service trip to an underprivileged country? No. Have you ever performed in front of more than 100 people? Yes, for dance. When (if ever) was the last time you went to church? Forever ago, I don't even remember the last time. What's a quote you think is really powerful? There's a whole lot. The first one that came to mind was, "An eye for an eye will leave the world blind," which I do believe has great depth in it. Have you ever had to do your laundry at a laundromat? Yes. Are you the oldest person who lives in your household? No. My mom is turning 60 (... I think?) this year. If you have tattoos, how long have you had them? I got my first the day I turned 18. Do you and your dad have similar personalities? We're alike in some ways, imo most notably in that we have NO fucking common sense, embarrassing as that is to admit. We're both kinda slow at understanding things, too. What were the last three things you had to drink? Mountain Lightning, milk, and water. What did your family usually do for Easter when you were a kid? Us three kids all got Easter baskets full of stuff, and we'd go egg-hunting when we were all awake. My little sister Nicole would always wake our parents up in excitement, haha. My parents hid plenty throughout the house, and there was always this one "special" egg that was actually from Mom's childhood and was extremely intricate and beautiful. You basically "won" the hunt if you found it, and it was extremely well-hidden. When you have house guests over, where do they sleep? Historically since living here, my two half-sisters and their spouses (the only people who've stayed over) slept in what is *technically* Mom's room, but for whatever reason this woman still insists on sleeping on the couch in the living room, I guess because she's used to it after all the years she didn't have her own room and bed. Are you emotionally stable? LOLOOLOLOOLLOLOOLOOLOLLOOLOLLLLLLLLLLL Do you still talk to the very first person you had sex with? No. Are you an atheist? No. I don't quite know how to define what I am, but since I believe there's SOME higher power, I don't think it's fitting to call me an atheist. What’s the largest bug you’ve ever found in your house? Hm... I'm unsure. Probably a male mosquito, 'cuz them bitches are big'ins. Would it annoy you if a stranger called you "sweetie?" If it was a man, I'd be creeped out. Are you into fashion design? Not really. What’s the worst thing you’ve gone through in the past year? My leg muscles continuing to degrade, honestly. I have to do something about this shit. How did you get your last bruise? I fell when stepping over the stupid dog gate. Have your parents ever forgotten your birthday? Yikes, no. Would you rather have some bacon or beef jerky? Bacon. Do you like your orange juice with lots or no pulp? NONE. Do you wear skinny jeans? Back when I wore jeans, they were the only kind I wore. What projects are you doing now for school? I'm outta school. What’s the most number of comments you have on a Facebook picture? What is the picture of? I have no idea. Do you like coconut flavored things? No. Have you ever met a famous author before? No. Do you know anybody who has been raped before? No, thank god. I know someone who might've almost been, though. I don't know what the fucking pig was going to do to her if my sister and I weren't there. Have you ever wished for bigger boobs? No. Being overweight, I just want smaller ones now, haha. Have you ever gone a full day without interacting with another person? I've gone many days without it. How many relationships have you been in that lasted less than a year? Four, if you're counting everyone that had the "boyfriend" title. Where were you going the last time you were on a plane? Home from Illinois. Where were you going the last time you were on a train? I've never been on one. Have you ever been significantly more physically fit than you are now? Holy fuck, yes. You would never guess now that I was perfectly healthy in high school especially, yet I still thought I was kinda fat. It hurts so much to look back on. When growing up, did you parents keep the house very tidy? I mean not excessively, but Mom was pretty dedicated to keeping the house in decent condition. With three kids though, of course the house was somewhat messy with toys and all. When you shop at IKEA, do you always stop to eat a snack/meal in the cafeteria? ... There's a fucking cafeteria in a furniture store? o_o I've never been there before. How many watches do you own? None, save for one in my "treasure box" from when I was a kid. I was SO SO SO obsessed with Finding Nemo that I kept my broken one. I did the same with my horribly aged sneakers, like the soles were coming off and Mom finally made me stop wearing them, ha. Are there any ways in which you greatly differ from everyone else in your family? I do fucking nothing and am useless to society. Should teenagers be allowed to have their cell phones with them in class? Yes, because emergencies happen. I personally think it's best to maybe have your cell phone flipped over on the corner of your desk or something and on vibrate, that way the noise isn't too disruptive and the teacher can see you're not just using it for other purposes. Do you have any gay relatives? Yes. Have you ever had to have a pet put down? Sigh, multiple. Have you unfollowed, deleted, or blocked anyone on social media recently? If so, what was the reason? Not recently. How many cups of coffee do you typically drink per day? None. Do you know what your vocal range is? No, but it's not very broad. What’s the biggest financial mistake you’ve ever made? I haven't been in this position before. Have you ever been in a relationship where there was a large difference in maturity levels? No. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed as a guest at someone’s house? I wanna say over a month while we were technically homeless. How bad was your acne when you were a teenager? Oh dear, it was rough. Like there were people who had it worse than me, but ya girl was lookin preeeetty rough lmao.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''hail to the king'' by avenged sevenfold

[abusedandromeda]

Why I’m still salty over the fact my egg donor found out I was wearing a binder

Now if y’all remember, I talked a lil bit about the time when my egg donor found my binder, and y’all can clearly see the amount of salt there was in that post. So I’m gonna be going over why I’m salty from that time even though it’s gonna be close to a year now. Now maybe some of y’all are thinking that I’m only salty because she took it away from me, but no, I actually thankfully still have it and she didn’t even touch it. Before we dive in I’m gonna go over how I got it, also, trigger warning for creepy shit coming up cuz I don’t know what to even tag it.

So at school, there’s this GSA club I love attending, even though I kinda skipped out during sophomore year because egg donor chewed my ass out for going to that club(she acts like she’s an ally, but her true homophobic colors show when she’s angry. Remember that even if you’re angry and you say homophobic shit, you’re still homophobic). I still attend behind the excuse of me going to speech and debate cuz I’m my own person and just because it’s not “supporting my career” doesn’t mean shit. Gonna stop that right there before I go on another tangent.

Anyway, one day they announced that they were gonna get two free binders: A rainbow one and a white one, both x-large I think. Now, I’m one of the largest people in that group, the club was basically filled with like mostly skinny people and I think even the fatter people had binders, and there was only like one other fat person like that I think.

So basically, I happily, hell, enthusiastically accepted the white one while another genderfluid person accepted the rainbow one. I remember being so excited about finally getting my first binder, and for fucking free! I didn’t even have to worry about fees or having to obtain it behind my egg donor’s back like I did with my pronouns pins!

So I think I waited for about a few days or so before this guy, his name is Leo aka the club leader, hit me up(we both gave him our numbers before we left)like “hey, I’m in the cafeteria and I have your binder”. Y’all, I was so happy and just practically EUPHORIC when I finally got the binder that I don’t even know how many times I texted Leo “omg thank you so much”.

I was literally so happy, like y’all literally don’t understand, but if y’all know, y’all know😂. Looked up how to put it on, put that shit on(I pull it up my body and get the arms through, which it hard for my chubby arms. It took me like 10 minutes the first time) and damn that euphoria. Like I don’t even think there’s any words that can describe my genuine happiness.

Alright, now that’s done, we’ll do a lil time skip forward. We’ve worn it a few times, we wore it with a few plaid button ups and t-shirts. The thing is that they weren’t as baggy or layered compared to the next outfit I got caught in. So it was February 14 of 2020 and we were getting dressed for pride flag day(I created the day with my GSA group btw), and we were like wearing a whole suit with my binder and was going to bring(I’m pretty sure) my demisexual flag.

All was going okay until egg donor stopped us in front of our room and said “Why is that so bunched up around here?*gesturing to our chest*” Which made me, personally, very fucking uncomfortable cuz, call me overreactive, how the fuck do you know what our chest looks like WITHOUT a binder??? Like I know I might be overreacting cuz “well that’s your mom, she sees you everyday!” But it’s fucking creepy to me, cuz like how do you know???

We thankfully didn’t have to strip in front of egg donor, but we had to show her the binder, WHICH INVOLVED HER DIGGING HER LITERAL NAIL INBETWEEN THE BINDER AND OUR CHEST!!!! I DIDNT GIVE YOU CONSENT TO FUCKING DO THAT, DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT PERSONAL SPACE IS??? Like maybe I should be angry at this part, but I was more angry with the fact that she knows wtf our chest is like in every fucking outfit. Like it’s just so creepy and weird to me??

So yeah, I’m still fucking pissed off to this day cuz does she not know what personal space is??? I’m a literal kid, you do not need to know what my chest looks like. And idk if this would be considered sexual harassment cuz she’s talked about my chest multiple times before and how big it is and how big it’s growing. Some followers said it was a normal girl thing(I’m afab) and some said that it’s wrong, but who the hell knows. I’m just pissed and I’m still salty

#toxic parents #toxic family #transphobia #homophobia #emotional abuse

[jewizh]

an excessively long self-reflection into gender and sexuality - specifically being trans and bi.

first off, im just noticing there's a rainbow eucalyptus tree by my bus stop, so now i can daily zone out looking at pretty colours.

second, figuring out sexuality/handling bisexuality "am i bisexual? am i not? i thought i was, then i realized i wasn't, except now i think i am" is absolutely frustrating and not something i see much being talked about - honestly probably because i avoid it as i tend to do with a lot of things, to the point that i'm still confused and on the edge of what i am - especially in relation to being transgender.

and it's like, my first idea that im bisexual came from "wow girls are hot, boys are hot, guess im bisexual" and i lived my life like this. young, baby brained me was honestly pretty intellectual and knew things. even better, i was lucky enough to not question beyond this, and went and had a girlfriend in middle school while together, we fawned over boys. it was a genuinely not terrible experience, until then-fourteen year old me was being told "i love you" and i panicked because i'm fourteen and didn't feel the same way, so i broke it off. unimportant in the long run.

and after this, i continued on thinking, i'm bi. it's chill. i started questioning my gender, something i dont think would have happened earlier on had i not dated someone who wasn't cis - and as soon as some jackass comes out saying "transtrender" or some dumb shit, no. i was confused, always have been confused in relation to gender expression at the very least. i had always been non-feminine, but, here's where i started actively looking at gender. amazingly, this analysis of how i acted didn't even key in on the idea that i'm not a girl, but instead, i figured my avoidance of femininity was because of internal misogyny, so baby me went and wore a dress "happily" to embrace that being girly wasn't weak! yay! good intentions, but...wrong personal reasons.

i get older - that sounds dramatic because it's like the span of a year or two - and i continue "i like girls and boys and non-binary!" (gonna be honest, this is about the time i was delving into hamilton, one of the worst and better experiences i've had in relation to tumblr, but that is a completely different story; at the very least, i was getting more into social insight on gender.) about here, i'm questioning my gender for real because while that dress i wore to homecoming was pretty, i was uncomfortable as hell and expressing femininity did not make me feel good. step one is realizing im not a girl, which is a good step: i say im non-binary (which, i am). through this confusion, i tack on that i'm asexual because im confused and frustrated and like...fourteen/fifteen. i really would have saved myself a world of pain and confusion if i just sat there for a few minutes and went "im fourteen/fifteen", but again, another story. at this point, i'm still touting that im bi.

more time passes - aka now im 16 - and i cut my hair, get a binder, im turning into my mom's worst nightmare right before her eyes. i never fully drop the whole "im non-binary" thing, but i actively start embracing and expressing that im trans-masculine - or, just trans because that's so much easier to say and is the whole damn truth. here is about the time i put my attraction on the line because i was/am confused and scared. it's going to take me a few months to work through that i'm not asexual - no, i'm not grey-sexual, fuck why did i think that, who let fourteen year old me go "oh damn, i dont wanna sleep with anyone right now??? i must be asexual!!" and who let fifteen year old me go "hm, i think im starting to feel sexual attraction, but not towards every person i pass, im grey-ace!" - but now i'm also looking at my attraction to gender. newly appointed trans me has a large interest in boys because i was confused. slowly, i dropped thinking i was attracted to girls because i was too busy giving boys heart eyes in what i assumed to be total attraction and not also just envy that they have what i dont. being attracted to girls confuses me because i hated my body and some evil part of my brain said i cant like girls because that means i should like myself and my body - don't ask for the logic here, there is none.

and here's the thing, for years i went along with this. i envy boys, who i also happen to me "exclusively" attracted to. dysphoria compounds this, i go with it, even as i pass over girls that are cute because my attraction to them isn't the same as my attraction to boys - oh, news flash, nobody told me that my being attracted to them in different ways is completely normal. i pass through life actively attracted to girls and waltz about like there's nothing wrong with that, i'm gay, even as i want to date a girl im like "pff, im gay, that's weird". i was actually so deep into confusion based around gender dysphoria i really went and dropped being bi altogether, honestly thinking i cant possibly like girls.

now, call me a nerd and sad, whatever, but i actually took me doing a heavy and thorough star trek rewatch and falling in love with a girl every three seconds before i sat there and realized "oh shit". it was a big oh shit, and even then, i was nervously like "nah, it's just. they're pretty! i like boys exclusively!! i dont like girls the same way i like boys, so i like boys!" and it really took finally seeing someone else say that being bi doesn't mean you're attracted to gender the same way for me to realize - damn it, im bi, aren't i. not in a disappointed way, i will say i think im luckier for not ever dealing with internal biphobia when i was younger, and that carried over, i dont have any distaste over being bi, but there really is a sense of frustration looking back at eleven/twelve year old me saying im bi and sixteen-eighteen being like "im gay" all because of confusion based around gender dysphoria. and there's even more frustration confronting that dysphoria and how it sways my perception of gender and attraction in a way i can't really express. there's frustration that i finally concluded im bi while watching star trek at midnight while pointedly not doing my physic homework.

i never had people to talk to about this, absolutely terrified of being judged, called fake, etc. and scared of stigma. it took me long years for my ever-evolving self to come full circle because i was too scared and confused to talk about it instead of crying into a pillow at night because of extreme frustration.

and that's my excessively long post to say... im bi. girls are pretty.

#amazingly my thinking 'boys are stupid girls are so much better they're pretty i want to date one again' #didnt key me in on that mayhaps i am bi like i thought when i was a literal child.... #transgender #bisexual #lgbt #long post #mine #txt

[berriestart-lilacsweet]

Cedfia Oneshot: rainstorm

*Just a oneshot that formed up in my mind from the mention of a rainstorm in Suiren Shinju's Pillow Talk.  

Cedric watched as the rain begin to fall more heavily from the plush cushions of his bedroom's window seat. He leaned his back against the cool stone and let one leg dangle out the window, allowing it to swing freely as he lost himself in his own thoughts. He was beginning to enjoy spending time with the girl. Yes, she had been sent to him with a task and he most certainly understood what his mother wanted... but he was finding it harder and harder to maintain his composure around the charming village girl.  

It seemed to him that the more time they spent in one another's company, the more interesting she became. True, the had managed a few intimate moments, but that was her duty after all. She was doing exactly what his mother had wanted from her, but yet it seemed at times like the girl wanted more from him. He felt deep within his heart that she longed for him the same way he longed for her; they both needed to move beyond the physical aspect of their relationship. He felt a passion rise up within him when she was near, a feeling he had never imagined that he would have, let alone one that might be shared.  

Sofia was a passionate girl in general, putting her heart into anything and everything she did. It wasn't hard to venture that she would want a relationship to be more than just physical. Yet she had done and said everything to make him feel quite the opposite when it came down to it. The days were spent with coquettish hints, followed by a night of her fulfilling her duty to him. And every time he had the opportunity to take the situation further, transform it into something more passionate, she had somehow, reminded him of her agreement with his mother thus trampling down his desires.  

If she was truly only fulfilling the physical aspect of the contract he couldn't tell. As naive and innocent as she was it wouldn't be far-fetched to assume she might be afraid of taking things further. He always felt the passion on her lips just before she shattered his heart with her words. Was it because she was afraid of his status? She had always asked permission before touching him, maybe she was afraid of the situation she found herself in, afraid there might be repercussions if she crossed a line. Perhaps he should express to her his wish to leave formalities behind them. In his mind and in his heart they were equals.  

Cedric rest his head back against the cold stone and closed his eyes.

"Your Highness, is everything alright?" Her silky voice resonated through the room.

"Hmm... What?" He mumbled, dragging himself from his thoughts to look at her lazily.  

"I asked if everything was alright." She pressed now beside him at the window.

"Oh, I suppose so." He muttered, turning his eyes back out the window into the dreary storm.

He felt her settle down on the cushions across from him, her lithe body leaving only a slight indentation in the fabric. Cedric looked her over from the corner of his eye. She wore a lightweight cotton dress with bell-cap sleeves today, in her favorite shade of purple; soft lilac. Her delicate hands were clasped loosely together in her lap. Her eyes stared out into the storm, watching with genuine interest. Cedric swallowed hard; he knew this was his chance.  

With fluid ease he reached out to the peasant girl and wrapped his hand gently around hers. A moment passed before Sofia broke her gaze from the storm to look at him questioningly. Cedric slipped his free hand around her waist and pulled her to his chest, reclining again against the windowsill. Wordlessly, she allowed him to meld her to his form, wrapping her in his arms before he cast his gaze back out at the storm again. They sat there in silence for what seemed like an eternity before he felt the tension leave her shoulders. She shifted her weight around, rolling to her side, sliding one arm around his waist and resting the other on his chest beneath her cheek.    

"I've always rather enjoyed watching storms." She almost whispered. "It's very relaxing."

"Yes, it is. That’s why I chose this room for my own; it has the best view of the incoming storms." He replied, swinging his leg casually as they reclined.  

Sofia nodded "I see that, it's quite something, isn't? A storm I mean."

"So much like life..." He murmured stroking her hair absentmindedly. "A friendly spring shower brings life to all and a storm like this tries to knock everything down; two things so very different yet from the same source... And when both pass the sun shines again spreading rainbows across everything." Cedric felt Sofia shift in his arms and slowly tore his gaze from the clouds to look down on her. She was gazing up at him with her soulful blue eyes. His heart skipped a beat, feeling as if she was seeing straight through him. She opened her mouth to speak but Cedric knew if he didn't open up to her now he never would. "Sofia..." She closed her mouth and pulled back from him, drawing her legs up underneath her to face him fully.  

"Yes..."

"I... Well, there's something I wish to talk to you about... I don't know exactly how to go about it, so just hear me out before you respond... please?"

"Of course." She nodded with a soft smile. Cedric drew in a deep breath before he began.

"I feel like there is a barrier between us... and it's not my doing, not intentionally anyway... What I'm trying to say, is that... I just was to us to be us... Sofia and Cedric, no titles involved."

"I don't know if that’s a wise idea..." She said biting her lower lip nervously.

"So that is what you were afraid of... why you keep shying away from me..."

"It's not that I mean to, or want to for that matter... It's just, well it's complicated."

"We already give into our desires to some degree; why should it be more complicated to give in to one's heart?" He implored her, gently taking her hands in his.  

"If it were only that easy for me..."

"It can be." He whispered leaning down to steal a tender kiss from her lips. She kissed him back passionately at first; pressing herself against him, winding his hair around her fingers.  He accepted her actions eagerly; leaning down over her and pressing her beneath him on the window seat.  He felt her breath hitch in her throat as he pulled his lips away finally needing air to continue his endeavor. He didn't understand what was wrong; what did she want or need from him. "I- I don't understand... I can't truly believe everything you've done up till now has been only to fulfill your duty to my mother..."

"Cedric, have you ever stopped to think what will become of me when your mother deems that I have fulfilled my duty... or when you're to succeed your father?"

"I-I..." he fumbled for words but none came.

"I'm not from the same world as you... Your mother has employed me for one thing and one thing alone... and it certainly wasn't to fall in love with the future king."

"Everyone should be able to follow their hearts. Everyone deserves to feel love and be loved." He breathed huskily into her neck, sending chills down her spine.    

"For some that path leads only to pain and sorrow." She whispered her voice wavering as tears formed in the corners of her eyes. She turned her head away to gaze out at the storm again.  

"I'll be damned if I'd allow that to happen. Regardless of my title, I will make my own decisions. And if that includes having you in my life, my subjects will have to accept that. From this point on, I've made up my mind, I cannot face life without you by my side. You make me a better person, you make life worthwhile, and I won't live the rest of my life knowing I threw it away all because of politics..." His voice faltered as he ended his speech. "I love you, Sofia."

@suirenshinju I wrote this a while back on a whim because I was intrigued by your story Pillow Talk. This was all I got done in a sitting. I had forgotten about it up until now, so I figured I’d post it and let you see it. Hope you’re okay with it- If not I’ll remove it.

#cedfia #sofia the fandom #sofia the first fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic #onehsot #berriestart-lilacsweet #berriestart--lilacsweet