#i cant breathe i need to go home

[alasy]

I'm so zoned out today

#this morning i found some notebooks i thought i had lost #they're journals i had awhile ago - while i used to live abroad #and the first time i found them i spotted a phrase about a past abusive relationship #and that had triggered me so bad. i hid them and had forgotten where - it's been almost a year since then #thats something it'd give me very very bad anxiety #if someone found the notebooks? what if my parents read them? #i did find them this morning #they were inside an old bag of mine i never really used #that struck me like i had seen a ghost #i was late and had to go to class #but i couldnt stop thinking about it and it makes me sick #flashes keep popping up in my head #i just wanna go home but i have so many things to do here at uni #i just cant stop thinking about it #the 1 time i was talking to someone the person asked something about my time there #i cant breathe i need to go home

[icewindandboringhorror]

sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:

thing that I already do

thing I have tried 10 times

thing I already do

thing that I don't have the money to do

thing I already do

thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail

thing that is impossible given my situation

thing that doesn't apply to me

thing that I already do

thing I have already tried

hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently

thing I have already done

#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things #out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever #all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever #or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc. #especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple #and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already #done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and #all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you. #who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3 #my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster #talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo #I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache #or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop #e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all #sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef #t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of #way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I #think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i #gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!' #like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant #mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain #or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right #now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like #most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once #that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY #Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth

[toaster-selfships]

Send me good wishes yall. I'm going to try and work on some late work when I get home but I'm chronically bad at doing that without an energy drink but I'm not ready for the impending doom of selling my soul to energy drinks so I can function

Uuhhhhhhhhh I accidentally went on a tangent and there's a whole vent in the tags oopsies

#i already get an energy drink every time on my lunch break at work. but thats partly cause im not too fond of my current job anyways #i dont need perfect grades just. as long as theyre passing i dont care #and are still passing grades after whatverr the finals do to it #im going to a trade school anyways gpa doesnt matter. ive just. QUITE LITERALLY. spent my whole life smacking my head into a desk- #-cause of school. and im so desperate to get my ass outta here. It'll be so much easier cause i will be free from family too #once i get my own place that is. I honest to God would rather sell my soul to two jobs and come home to peace and breathe #than this hell now. being at school is tourment and being at home is tourment. cant wait till im actually HOME. and not some. house. #home is where the dodge challenger that i will sleep in is. home is where the heart is. and my heart isnt anywhere here. #just. one more year. i can get my license at my brithday which is all the way in decemeber but. one more year from now #and I can scrape by and graduate and say adios. #i refuse to acknowledge the scenerio of not making it cause. fuck it we ball or something. am i using that saying right #i already did my time in prison(summer school) #i dont know about yall but summer school was honestly one of the WORST expereinces ive ever been in. horrible.

[sugaroto]

Why did Google maps lied about the pharmacy being open :( I can't breath and I had to walk all that way only for the pharmacy to be closed, if I knew it I would have gone home and waited until tomorrow to go to the nearby pharmacy

#sugar uni life #im diagnosing myself with the same asthma attacks i had the previous years cause theres no way im going to the doctor here #like sure if i *need* it I'll go #but when my symptoms are the exact same as the last 2-3 times i had asthma attacks #then im just gonna go to the pharmacy and ask for an atarax #oh its not actually asthma attacks its asthmatic bronchitis (ασθματικη βρογχιτιδα) #which basically means i cant breath properly #and the last two times i had to stay home for a week and get medication

[arolesbianism]

I hand you a doodle and then go back to dying of the plague

#keese draws #oc art #oc #ocs #furry #furry art #furry oc #Im sick 😔 #I can tell because all my joints are hurting instead of just my knees lol #which actually is strange since usually when Im sick the first sign is my nose being super duper runny #but I can actually breath just fine if not better than usual rn wow #but yeah say hi to antinio theyre a design I got a couple months ago I think #theyre a part of a new ish story I made around the same time that surrounds the other escaped patients of the facility pent escaped from #pent didnt actually go with them tho partially because none of them like her and she doesnt like any of them but mostly because shes more #physically unstable than the others and needs regular goop recharges that kept her camping near the facility until bud and daisy dropped in #but yeah everyone else left together and spent some time wandering before getting lured into the origin place of the goop #this guy is actually quite the unique case among the bunch because they were originally an ocean dweller before they were revived #this basically means they only half understand what everyone else is saying and can't actually talk themself #and also that despite not needing to breath they constantly feel like theyre suffocating and they are generally pretty bitter abt all this #they cant rly go home partially because theyve been dead for too long and mostly because theyd kind of just fall apart in the ocean #even just washing their hands causes their fur and skin to get all slimy #hey they at least have a new bestie even if said bestie is also part of the only half understands everyone party meaning they even less #know how to communicate with eachother since they both speak different languages from eachother #but hey now they can be confused abt whatever the hell applebounce is yelling abt together

[stinkrascal]

this trip to colorado has been so eye opening because it has taught me that i could literally never live here

#WOWWWW my stomach. my LUNGS. it is so hard to breathe here 😭😭😭 #the elevation and my life ruining anxiety have been in constant dispute since we got here #actually it wasnt so bad when me and bf were w our friends but when we met up w his family at the airbnb yea suffering began #love his family sm but these people are awful at planning stuff #they think the best way to have a relaxing vacation is by *checks notes* #only scheduling activities that are three hours away from our airbnb 10000 ft in the air on a huge mtn ! #because i just love being in a car for six hours every day praying the car doesnt crash over a massive cliff 😭😭😭 #yeah im suffering you really cant take the country out of the girl huh. I MISS MY SWAMP!!! #im still having fun btw but fuck mountains holy shit theyre so scary and i CANT BREATHE. canned air ily #going from louisiana which is the 2nd lowest elevated state to colorado which is the most elevated is ummm rough to say the least!! #k bye now i’ll see y’all in two days when im finally home rotting away in my bed xo #just needed 2 complain for a sec

[blye-flower]

.

#my thing is always gonna be this #how are you upset with me because im trying to have a boundary??? #how are you upset with ME that YOURE ALWAYS OVERSTEPPING MY BOUNDARIES #like yes i babysitter im a babysitter but you cant expect me to babysit just cause you need a babysitter!?? like what??! #“oh we needed to go to another church and the kids didnt wanna go” okay?? so you just dropped them off without saying anything to me??! #you didnt even ask if i could you just assumed i would cause im home??? like i dont deserve a moment??? #like im not a parent #i dont have any kids and i definitely dont fucking plan on it so why tf do i feel like a single mother in my day to day?? #why do i never have any free time to myself why is my free time volunteered to making sure children are supervised??! #“well since you decided this im just gonna come get the kids” yeah im within my fucking right so why are you phrasing it like im wrong #god ive never been this frustrated that im fucking crying like can i have some fuckinf breathing space AWAY from other ppls kids #blymi rants #update:: my sister did in fact come and get them #and told the kids “yall cant stay home cause auntie doesnt feel like watching yall” #definitely feels like shes putting the blame on me cool cool cool #just peachy. #love that for me lets make it MY fault whatever #god i really cannot catch a fucking break #and trust and believe im gonna have to hear some stupid ass better than thou speech about how i need to help out my sister #“because shes a student a mother AND working” as if any of those choices are my fucking concern yep wonderful #especially for a sister. that while i love her. feels entitled to peoples help because shes “going through so much” #and now i cant even fucking relax or draw or write because im so fucking pissed #which is why i wanted the afternoon to myself ANYWAYS so no matter what the fucking days a goddamn bust for me regardless

[oatbugs]

whenever i think/talk abt a "you" it's at least 5 different people usually

#ive been thinking about how you separated the star of david into triangles and taught me about the equilibrium about as above so below #are we in equilibrium? ive been thinking about the star of david and the rest in peace beneath it #fuck the fascists and fuck how they took you and fuck how theyll take everyone. am i good at analysis? #it turns out weve all been lying a lot. it turns out the person weve all lied the most to was ourselves. #ive been thinking about your 5 journals and a whole week of crying just to realise our sin. you felt like a nucleus inside a fuzz of #electrons and i felt like the fuzz of electrons. we caught a ribbon and followed it past the point of discomfort #this is how you breathe so that you dont die and this is how you breathe so that you do. on your own terms. #i am going to be a good architect. i am going to be a good engineer. i am going to be a good neuroscientist. i am going to be good. #i reserve the label for being a let-go-of-labels person. i am going to be the one who lets go of identifiers #and make it my identity. how do you achieve constant bliss? separate the nucleus and the fuzz. #suffering from the impact of the self and the self-image، you told me about the bliss of separation. #okay. let them hate the cloud. youre inside of it all. i am nothing. this is not a label for the self. mereology is a lovely thing. #baby you are ripping through all these spiderwebs just to live. this is part of the normal developmental process. i am surrounded by people #who throw sums of millions out of their mouths like any other lovely word. i cant stand the thought of your loss #except only in theory. ive been thinking about the bird with the broken wing in florence and how we stood around it until #two friends picked it up and took it home in hopes of nursing him back to flight. ive been thinking about how we are designed to care #for each other. tomorrow you will have your dreams crushed. the day after you will keep going. we are sharing #in the wonders of being perceiving beings. isnt that enough? why do you need to perceive the monstrosity of your own soul? is it #because i love you? is it because you love yourself? you love yourself enough to allow yourself to feel the terrible corners of you. #you can finally stand on your own. you can only stumble forward until you walk for the first time.

[bunnimatsu]

sigh.

#i don’t really wanna vent but i feel like i need to #my parents (mom specifically) love me based on my success #like thats been established since i was in middle school #and i cant afford to live on my own yet because hawaii is expensive. #and i come home from work because i work a double (so i go back later on) #my mom scoffs at me and told me my job sucks because i can’t just stay all day #(for clarification: my mom likes to spend my money while also yelling at me to save so i never have money for myself) #i had to explain to a woman older than me that 1. our store’s budget hours are already cut #and 2. that we don’t have enough payroll for me to stay all day in the first place #so despite me STILL getting hours #she’s still upset at me for not being able to get the extra 2 hours #sorry if this doesnt make sense i just- #it outrages me that my own mother just LOVES muttering under her breath about money. #anyway yeah. sorry. #jarvis.vents

[girl-bateman]

Intense nausea at work, feel like pure shit 🤢

#cramps have gotten 100% worse since my meds fr #which is to say i went from not having them at all to wanting to puke constantly for a day every month #and the worst thing is i know i cant even puke #bc i havent done it since i was like 10 #so the nausea cant go away like it does for other ppl after they puke #i just have to go around cold sweating and taking deep deep breaths to avoid puking (even tho i cant !!!) #and i hate going to work like this because i have to engage in conversation and be sweet and kind and all that shit while wanting to dieeee #but if i dont go to work my client literally doesent have anyone to take her home from school and to her music lesson #so i cant cancel last minute #but like... u will hear me complaining abt it #but anywayssss i started applying for jobs today because im sure everyone around me are getting sick of me complaining abt my work 24/7 #so lets see how that turns out ig #cant wait to go home and watch a movie or something 😩 #tw puking #tw vomit #tw puke #idk how people usually tag this stuff but lmk if you need me to add a tw

[poems-of-a-lover]

want someone to notice when im overheating and out of breath and shaky and weak bc of My Health Problems and just go to take care of it without a second thought. noticing that im not doing well and immediately moving to help without drawing a bunch of attention to it, especially in public. <3

#ive been like this for the past like hour KFHSKFJDK #and u could be saying 'nick ur home go downstairs and cook something' and to that i say. i am too tired to move. #this drains so much energy from me that i just need to lay down for a second and breathe before i can do anything #im. so tired. #anyway. someone who knows how to help when i cant do it myself. <3 #mlm #mlm yearning #mlm post #mlm love #gay mlm #trans mlm #mlm blog #t4t #mlm thoughts

[1980ssunflower]

I'm so fucking in love w them I swear to god it makes me lightheaded gdhfsjk

#ot3: ❤rhyme💛easy💙 #tape entry circa 1980 #ngl im feeling fucking SAD abt not being w them #i want to be home w them in the 80s away from modern day and the internet and just be making music and living a free lifestyle #theyre so damn beautiful its insane... idk how its even possible for them to be so perfect... or for me to love them so much...... #theyre definitely far from being perfect but they are to ME #i love every single thing abt them including their faults and aggravating qualities ghdfjsk #THEYRE JUST!!!!!! MY BEST FUCKING FRIENDS WHO HAVE KNOWN ME MY WHOLE LIFE!!!!! WE KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT EACHOTHER!!! #KNOW EACHOTHER BETTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE! NO ONE ELSE WILL EVER BE ABLE TO KNOW US LIKE EACHOTHER #AND WE'RE IN LOVE W EACHOTHER!!WE'RE EACHOTHERS TRUE SOULMATES!!!! NO ONE COULD EVER COME CLOSE TO WHAT WE HAVE #all i want is to hold them close and kiss them and compliment them every single second of the day #i want to hold them close and comfort them as they cry and reassure them of every little thing theyre insecure abt #and tell them over and over that i will love them for all eternity and im never going anywhere... i would lay down my life for them #i would do anything as long as it guaranteed their happiness #IDK HOW TO ACTUALLY EXPRESS THE EXTENT OF MY LOVE FOR THEM CAUSE ITS SO MUCH MORE THAN THE THINGS I SAY #IT FEELS LIKE MY CHEST IS GOING TO BURST I JUST LOVE THEM SO MUCH ITS LIKE I CANT BREATH #i just need to admire them... every little feature of their beautiful faces... and their bodies... #i want to admire them in the softest and most loving way possible as if they would fall apart if i touched them w any slight pressure #i want to lay together w them and for us to just hum songs together softly and start giggling over dumb things #and id love to just work on our latest album together in the studio figuring out the mixing and such #just the mix of music and love and friendship and adventure and fun that is our lives... makes me so happy

[enigmasandepiphanies]

I miss my mum

#adulting is lonely #why do i have to have an elaborate bedtime routine why can't my tired ass just sleep #why prep for tomorrow why oil your hair why clean your bowls and plates why take your meds and apply moisturizer #why does it take so much effort to keep yourself alive and healthy #why do backs hurt and why cant sleep be enough #and why cant research papers write itself on days when you can't read #why can't you read stuff fast #why is unproductivity so attached to sadness #burnt outs are hard #every day is too much living #when did home become a place when time stilled so you could breathe without effort #why is it so lonely #this is not making me even sad I am just like pensive #hence i shall go to bed at a very holy time and wake up early to live too much again #ps people should stop perceiving me and idk what am i doing with my life with myself with my wants needs all that maslow hierarchy crap #i just wanna sleep and wake up anytime i want #it became a luxury #now #ugh i am so fucking whiney and petty

[myfirstandlast]

im scared bc now that i’m essentially getting this public school job i know my body and mind have begun to settle into its fugue state where i have no thoughts and make no progress and waste literally all the time in the world because i just can’t imagine any other options it’s how i wasted four years with my major it’s how i ended up joining gr**k life it just feels like this is it and i trap myself

#let’s say i miraculously get a car and to move out post-september getting my license #it definitely won’t be until christmas at the earliest because i have to finish out the year #but as soon as the year is over my parents are back on my head about applying for master’s programs which i still don’t want to do #i don’t have a break to be free #and i’m certainly not gonna to be inspired to find my dream artistic lesbian job in middle of nowhere GA at an elementary school of all plac #like everyone too old or too young to understand me. no real work friends no real ACTUAL friends im just going to be going to work and going #home. oh lol i started crying typing. im really over talking into the void i need someone to hear me and help me #but even if up to that point EVERYTHING somehow falls into place. now i’m entirely alone with more bills no resources no one to call and no #idea what i want in any capacity. like i feel like a caged animal i feel insane #im falling into my coma of uselessness and i already lost the entirety of my adolescent young adult years i don’t want to lose my 20s too #not to be like 30 is ancient your life is over then obv not but i don’t care about what i do in my life at 30 and beyond #i want my life to be happy NOW i WANT the best of my life to be in my 20s where i can get away with the most stupid fun because i’m just #young and gay and i still have an excuse for not knowing what my life is yet. i cant breathe not knowing what i want to do but at least its #an excuse. i feel like dying i feel like my insides are rotting to black ash we’re social creatures and im suffering #i sound so stupid. i know i really know. but the people i see living the life i want carefree making money as it comes #have parents who lovingly text them who care but stay out of the way who are supportive but aren’t up your ass and down your neck #they’re just people that would raise kind smart independent individuals and im none of the above so i don’t have a good shot as it is #but i still want to be free. i want to die but i want to be free just a little before then #i hate my life. i hate waking up in my bed every day and seeing my bedroom and being in my house. i want it to be over

[fortunately-bi]

...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈

#i just spent like an hour writing and rewriting a post trying to explain myself amd its just so hard to put into words #im bored here but not in a ew not enough content for the dopamine hit shit #in like a every time i scroll through I dont smile I dont see anything that makes me happy at all i dont get a laugh or anything #its just mindless brain rotting scrolling nothing wasting my time hoping maybe ill see a new artist to follow or something #and every time its nothing #so much nothing taking up so much of my time and space in my life and i already dont have a lot of time to begin with #ive made some awesome friends here ive had lovers from here ive had people who are no longer on this earth from here who ill never forget #i dont think ive really enjoyed anything on here in 7 years #ive left before for a really long time i think like a year or more or something #and i wont be totally unreachable of people message me ill respond but im so sick of this stupid app taking up my life #and all i ever get out of it is getting mad or getting depressed over shit that really is t worth my mental state over #all i ever feel on here is that the world fuckin sucks and theres not even anything here to make hanging around worth it #im not new to this site making me suicidal for an abundance of reasons and im luckily in a spot where i wont actually hurt myself #its just ideation and intrusive thoughts but its a pattern i cant keep ignoring #also im old tumblr im old tumblr and i think i will always be old tumblr im just not catching on to new shit anymore #the fact im even saying anything about a hiatus should show how pld tumblr i am no one does this anymore lol #i just don't want to be here anymore i dont really want to be anywhere online anymore tbh #its always something and i cant mentally keep up with it anymore i have too much going on in my life #my wife is having cancer removed on Tuesday im a lead teacher who has to take care of i think 8 babies now #i have problems i have actual problems that need me and need me to be as there as i can be #i cant be spiraling over stuff online on top of real world problems im in no position to do anything about on top of personal life problems #that are drastically affecting my life at home and hurting my family and loved ones #i have a mass in my thyroid which is so big i choke to the point i stop breathing if I dont have my meds i throw up all day #i have to see a neurologist because at best i have a pinched nerve at worst im having seizures and i might have to move states again #i dont have it in me to come on here and see stuff that makes me upset for the chance i might see something i like #and i can unfollow people and whatever but I dont have the energy or time to sift through people i follow on here #if you want to talk in dms or asks or you want to send me posts pls by all means continue to do so thats fine #but i think i need to take the app out of my line of sight again for a bit and just be in the moment again same with twitter #anyways i love yall i promise i am safe and not in harms way im just stressed af and i have got to start cutting things out that #arent doing anything other then making me miserable

[apollos-olives]

okay so a ceasefire will happen soon, inshallah, but i just know the second it does, most of y'all will pack it up and go home. the world has proven time and time again that the second the violence "stops", then everyone forgets about us and then we just go back to suffering under the israeli occupation. you guys need to promise us, promise every single palestinian child in the world right now, that you will not stop fighting. that you will continue boycotting, you will continue protesting, you will continue disrupting the world until palestine is free. and then we'll do it again. and again and again and again and again. for sudan, for the congo, for everyone who is suffering right now.

you guys cant keep leaving us and forgetting about us once you've done "your part". it always happens, and we always go back to suffering. you need to stand with us until palestine is completely free. until we have our land back, until we can rebuild our homes, until we can drink clean water and breathe clean air, until our children grow up never having to face a horror like the nakba ever again. you need to stay fighting until we are all free forever.

#palestine #free palestine #im aching for a ceasefire obviously but some of yall will just straight up leave once it's done #like no. we mean FREE palestine. like all of it. forever