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#i dont even know if its possible to want this to be over anymore i just wish we didnt have to deal with this in the first place
puppyeared · 4 months
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man
#maybe im being pessimistic abt this. im not saying u should wear a mask every waking moment of your life god knows i cant#but also. hell no i dont trust u if anything i distrust u ppl even more after how things played out for the past 3 years#like there are situations where it might be inevitable catching covid. most of my family members are nurses and in constant contact#but there are also a ton of ways to make that risk low as possible like masking and wearing a face shield and having sanitizer#for me its not enough to just say oh we're in a small group and we're all vaccinated#motherfucker your kid is sick from preschool EVERY TIME WE VISIT. of course ill be wearing a mask she gave me covid last year#also no the fuck it isnt seasonal the cases go up because lack of caution makes the virus spread and mutate especially around times when#ppl gather. add that with virus transmission in cold weather and its a matter of different factors increasing the risk of spread#im also tired of ppl not understanding that i wont be their responsibility if i do get sick. maybe they can help me recover#but at the end of the day the risk of death and long term health is all on me. i cant change that#the govt barely gives me accommodations what makes u think theyll do anything for every individual case of long covid or worse#im so tired. im so tired#i dont even know if its possible to want this to be over anymore i just wish we didnt have to deal with this in the first place#ALSO COUGH INTO YOUR SLEEVE SERIOUSLY HOW IS THIS SO HARD TO REMEMBER#oh its just a cold/dry throat its not like i have covid or anything. no!! its basic hygiene!!! how is this so hard to understand!!!!!!!!!!#and no this isnt abt whether people have the means to protect themselves this is me bitching abt my relatives not taking me seriously#vent#my art#myart#doodles#covid 19
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bl00dw1tch · 7 months
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nothing quite like fixating on some technological bullshit to the point of Tears in the middle of the night to. Ruin your night!!!!!
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undyinglantern · 9 months
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being closer to your 30s than 20s and having nothing to show for it is so
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ddeexxmm · 8 months
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Its so joever for me bruh im 18 with no friends no job not in school no hobbies no goals no achievements
#whenever i go outside i feel so incredibly uncomfortable like everyone is staring at me and laughing at me i cant even walk normally#and i was legitametly getting stared at when i went to college so its not like im just paranoid or something#i probably am actually getting stared at and made fun of just like i was in college#i think i look worse then i think i do and that makes me so sad lol#i know im ugly but sometimes i see myself and think maybe i dont look TOO bad or at least when i lose weight i wont look so bad#but maybe im just irredeemably ugly and nothing can fix it#why else would people stare at me im unremarkable at best#im not tall or super underweight and i dont dress weird i do everything i possibly can to fade into the background#so why do people stare at me#the only logical answer is that im just incredibly ugly#so my life is basically just over lol#i know people dont want to talk to me but i figured it was just because im quiet so i pushed myself to be more talkative and outgoing#but obviously that didnt work so it must just be cause im ugly#thats why people stare at me#i guess if i get to a low enough weight at least the stares will be about my body and not my face#that would be a little better i think#when i was growing up all i hoped for was that i would live a normal life once i grew up#i dont even care about leaving a mark on the world or being some important person anymore#i just want to feel content with my life for once man#i havent been happy with myself or my life since i was twelve years old#all ive done since then is fail my parents and fail myself#i know im a disappointment to them no matter what they say ive seen theyre text messages and i see the way they treat me#im nothing but a waste of money and time#and to top it off i look like a fucking ogre#all i ever wanted was to be happy with myself. i cant even live up to my own expectations.#i will never amount to anything
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ink-and-radio · 3 months
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Gods, I'm so fucking exhausted of being alive whilst not being alive.
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waluigisgaybf · 6 months
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Im really tempted to just unfollow both those two old friends I posted about earlier, tha I adored and then randomly unadded me on everything :( cause I miss them both individually so badly, and I want to keep following them both to be able to support and reblog their art when they post.........but at this point seeing their posts- art or not- is just making me feel really fucking shitty and sad all over again :(
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snekdood · 6 months
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the only way i could be anonymous online at this point is if i deleted everything and stopped caring about my comic and gave up and stopped trying, and while that is tempting sometimes, im honestly just too dedicated to my characters and honestly myself and defending myself and my own dignity to do that.
#bitch im a big ol rock i aint goin nowhere lmao#i used to do that sometimes when i wanted a breather but theres no real point in doing that now#bc if i post my characters anywhere no doubt it'll somehow trail back to my abuser or their flying monkeys#and it'll all just come back to the same old bullshit of ppl stalking me and being really fuckin weird to me and pretending to be my friend#etc etc etc#like i understand at this point that they just kinda think they're this vigilantee justice warrior leading an army against a Great Evil#and im kinda over it all like its just really dumb and boring and they're so full of themselves for it and on their high horse about it all#and its why i suspect sometimes theres rwingers in their audience bc if i can provide all that evidence of them doing weird n fucked up#shit and im still ignored then that to me just tells me. they dont care. like they dont care if their fave acts hashtag problematic bc#they're weirdly loyal to them but then get all up in arms whenever i do anything even extremely mildly conceived as bad#its not about you guys actually being concerned about stopping someone bad. stop pretending. lmao. it never was#you wanna see what you can do with your collective power. you wanna see if its possible to drive me off the internet. like thats it#you dont care about the truth or any bloodshed or anything thats whatever to you as long as you can *feel* like you're doing something#well bitch get over it bc i already know thats what you're trying to do and its just gonna make me glue myself here#i repeat: im not stuck here with you. you're all stuck here with me.#either actually engage with my side of shit and try to understand me and where im coming from or fuck off w your b/w thinking asses.#bc ive been doing nothing but trying to be nuanced over here while yall keep trying to find ways to see me as satanhitler#but i understand that when yall dont have a scapegoat bad guy you get to rely on as a punching bag for your shitty life-#that you can pretend you're punching up when more than anything you're punching sideways or down-#then you dont get to feel like the Good Guy Hero like in All Your Favorite Shows Anymore#bc those shows dont deal w nuance do they? they find an enemy and get rid of him and thats it.#so why should you right? surely reality is like a cartoon. right?#and that maybe you're actually BEING the bad guy by punching down at a trans guy who lives in poverty#and let me guess... my abusers defending the rape of israelis rn too arent they? and yall wont think about that huh#just. any bad behavior they do goes over your heads. you'll defend anything they do to the end#but if i even make the slightest mistake its over.#i kinda think yall are just like... kiwifarm types? like thats what you remind me of....#i just dont believe you have any real convictions or moral framework. i kinna think you just like blood and i mean. given your fandom....#not very hard to feel that way.
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meebspace · 8 months
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GRUUUAAGGGGGG part 2 idk
#i genuinely do not know ehy i dont just end it because what's the point?#i dont see the possibility of the world. i dont see the love in everything anymore. im not enough just existing like i thought i was#obviously im not#and in some way i feel like all of it was deserved because why would it keep happening if it wasnt? why would i have stayed in this sort of#weird thing if i was? ive lost so many of my friends for the same reasons- for me being a bad friend.both my parents and some family thinks#im underachieving and its like.. maybe i AM just bad. maybe i AM just worthless and talentless and have no future#why would i be here if those werent true??????#i just#im just trying to work and get myself together so im less of a burden- so finally my dad wont complain about me and so finally i wouldnt hav#e to leech off everyone i know. and at that point why even work when it can just all be over asap (if i could get over my fear of death)#i dont even want to talk to peopl about it anymore because it just worries them or makes me look stupid and immature#like people have to tire of constant emotionally oppressive venting at some point#and i cant get medicated because they always dismiss me with anxiety. and i dont have a counselor just because i dont have time in my schedu#le for that. so it feels really demotivating and really pointless. but not seeking those makes me feel like im just a useless wallower?#idk. im gonna pick up another job anyways. maybe I'll just work so much that i can be dead to the world with the illusion of being success#ful or something. maybe then i wont be such a failure of a human being and they can be proud of me
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chimaerra · 1 year
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i love when a the embarrassment of a crush is entirely negated by how improbable it is. who gives a shit if i get stupid over the thought of one boy when he lives literally 4000 miles away and i will most likely never live in the same place as him again
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chiritori · 1 year
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im so scared im not going to pass my classes this semester
#its basically gonna have to be 24/7 homework lockdown for the next month if i want to do even okay in all of them#im really really sad because i had to cancel on my halloween plans so i can finish this overdue essay i need done by tonight#everyones out in costumes and having fun with their friends and im inside alone having a breakdown over school#this sucks ass#im glad i was able to go to a party this weekend and dress up but tbh the party was mid af#i also flaked on a house party i was supposed to go to last night because i was sick and my bfs were over#i feel like the different aspects of my life are getting so unbalanced and its scaring me and making me depressed#how am i supposed to balance 4 demanding classes & a fulfilling social life & 2 relationships all at the same time#not to mention sooner rather than later im going to have to worry about jobs and internships too#ive been a shitty friend to my besties recently bc i keep flaking on them & am broke all the time & am generally just a disorganized mess#i feel like they think im putting them on the backburner for my relationships. and i honestly think thats kind of true#i just need to find any kind of balance to my life because everything is out of whack and my life is falling apart#my executive functioning is so poor and im sick & in pain all the time and ive been in a depressive episode for the past month and a half#i have no idea how to exist as a functional adult in a body that is falling apart both physically and mentally#i cannot take even more time off of school & i want to graduate as soon as possible but after that im all on my own and then what#it all just leads to a dead end. theres nothing im working towards anymore and i have no motivation to do anything and im so stressed out#i just dont know how to fix this. i dont know how to dig myself out of this hole#vent
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FINALS!!!
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Propaganda:
Taylor Hebert (Worm (webserial by Wildbow))
Human girl who has superpowers that let her control bugs. She shunts all emotions off into her swarm of bugs, leaving her totally blank and stoic. She outsources sensory-input to her bugs, so she never looks or reacts to anything. In a fight, she reacts to opponents there is no possible way she could see, because she sensed them with her bugs. Overall has virtually no facial tells and moves in a way that makes her seem like she isn't a person. very creature <3 she is just a bug girl
shes such a FREAK. shes completely human (tho with an eldritch alien creature extradimensionally attached to her mind) but God does she not act like it sometimes. she has the superpower to control bugs and uses it to become the worlds most terrifying hero slash villain slash warlord slash apocalyptic threat. she has her bugs crawling all over her all the time. she uses a swarm of flies to scout out areas and then leaves flies in everybodys hair so she can keep track of where they are. she practiced having her bugs make noises until she figured out how to combine their noises into human speech so now she can talk through her swarm. she makes decoys of herself out of large pillars of bugs. once she was concussed and in the hospital and subconsciously calling her bugs to her so she was just covered in insects while the doctor tried to help her. then there was ANOTHER time she was hospitalized and got bored so she made a bunch of bugs so a little dance on her chest. whenever she's in costume and talking she has her bugs make noises to distort her voice and make her sound more scary and she doesnt even realize shes doing it anymore. she surrounds herself in a swarm to disorient her enemies. she doesn't even notice when her hair covers her eyes or anything like that because shes scouting out the area using her bugs so she doesnt have to see. she once used a tide of bugs to clean herself off and dust off her dress after having sex.
#she views herself as more of a swarm of bugs with a girl-shaped computer to control them than a girl herself#her body is just an extension of her bugs which is large and inconvenient but ultimately part of the weapon
#taylor “dissociates into bugs” hebert#taylor “keeps bugs in her hair” hebert#taylor “choke them with bugs” hebert#taylor “no one could ever love me” hebert#taylor “violence is always the answer” hebert
#normally i would want a worm character to win#but#bdubs is a strange little man. he's unusual.#Taylor's just got the 'tism.
she literally is a walking superorganism comprised of one human and a lot more bugs to the point where she frequently moves her head as if she can see through walls (with her bugs, she can), talks through her bugs, has been described like a corpse whose ghost is living on in her swarm, keeps functioning thru her bugs even when her human body is out for the count, et cetera. no disrespect intended but genuinely what in the world are you talking about. She cleans her pussy off with bugs after fucking. Her pussy. With bugs. And she thinks it's normal. Because the bugs are part of her. Is this thing on. I reiterate that she literally requires an emotional support cloak of bugs. She is so dissociated from being an actual person that she treats her human body like an inconvenience and her bugs like the primary operators. Is This Thing On.
#now i told myself i wouldnt comment anything on the rb... but#“She cleans her pussy off with bugs after fucking. Her pussy. With bugs.” CHAT IS THAT FUCKIN REAL??? IS THAT CANON???#cause if thats just a hc thats wild and i dont know if its better or worse if its canon#propaganda
this is indeed canon! there is a scene where, after fucking her boyfriend in an abandoned building, she stands up and cleans dust/etc off her naked ass body by having her bugs run across her and clean her, which presumably translates to "they are eating the dirt/sweat/etc off her." her boyfriend smiles affectionately at this, because he also has something wrong with him. she also does things like use bugs and spider silk to deliver her toothbrush straight to her hand in the morning while monologuing about "checking in on her hive" (her hive is the people in her villain territory.) she is a walking panopticon. her friends sometimes talk to bugs under the assumption it's taylor watching them and they're always right. at one point she confusedly asks someone if he's arachnophobic because he doesn't want her 10k black widow spiders to live in his apartment with him. she is basically like if a cockroach was a girl. I would never lie to you about Taylor Hebert, Unsung Champion of Polls About Weird Characters.
#taylor ofc#wait hey those are my tags as propaganda!! cool!#i stand by it#anyways yeah one of her main character traits when looked at by an outside perspective is just how WEIRD she is#everyone thinks she's a freak#even when you're reading her POV you sometimes have to stop and be like 'hey girl what the fuck'#one time she put bugs on her boyfriend's dick
She also turns into a bug monster at one point. Not all on her own, but she very much turns into a bug monster. Literally And Physically.
And she uses this to survive like a cockroach, she had Just Been Ripped In Fucking Half and thrown in the ocean to die and BOOM. bug monster transformation (with a little help) climb out and keep fighting, against an opponent so vast and powerful a human couldn't even comprehend his true form (not eldritch cognitohazard, just planet-sized + multidimensional), who could kill her in an instant. She's always surviving against the odds she's so cockroach coded (affectionate!) #@ pollrunner if you're still accepting propaganda please take the 'turns into a bug monster' as propaganda#the rest can be ignored or trimmed to 'she's always surviving she's so cockroach coded' but pleamse. the Time she Became A Bug
#she's such a freak!!!#she kills like it's the only thing she was built how to do#she kills people and things like it's chess and she's a grandmaster#as soon as the violence is off she's just a fucked up offputting little one woman panopticon
One of my favourite descriptions of Taylor from someone else's POV, from Interlude 14.
“A figure stood behind Yan. Her costume was barely recognizable—She wore a short cape of tattered black cloth over her body armor, a skintight black suit beneath that, and there were folds of black cloth draped around her legs like a dress or a robe. The entire fabric seemed to ripple and move. It took Sierra a second to realize it was crawling with a carpet of insects.”
“The disconcerting part was the girl’s face, or lack thereof. Her expression was masked behind a shifting mass of bugs that moved in and out of her hairline. Sierra couldn’t even tell where the bugs ended and the scalp began, as the small black bodies crawled into and onto the black curls. There was a hint of something like glass where Skitter’s eyes were, but the bugs ventured far enough over her eyelids and around the frames that nothing was visible in the way of goggles, glasses or skin.”
“Skitter hadn’t made a sound as she entered. She hadn’t spoken, and her footsteps had been quiet.”
#taylor “driving while blind wasn’t as hard as I’d thought it would be” hebert#taylor “hangs out in superpowered darkness for a long time without being at all worried” hebert#taylor “fools a near-perfect lie detecting hero by offloading her emotions on her bugs” hebert#taylor “figures out how to communicate with the Dog Autism girl like right away” hebert
#taylor hebert kill them with your self-sustained insectoid dehumanity!
Jonny d’Ville (The Mechanisms)
Since we’re not technically human
He’s so feral hes canonically committed every single crime theres a name for i think he deserves to have a tail that flicks around when hes being mischevous. perhaps some horns or fangs as well. as a treat
Idk why but he's a feral creature
Have you seen the man? Especially in that one picture where he is fully on the wall.
absolutely no canon implications that he isn't human, but that man* absolutely has a tail. and sharp teeth. and creature ears. he purrs but he pretends he doesn't and if you bring it up he'll bite you. he's had rabies more times than you can count.
#Just sayin#Johnny eats people and says it's not cannibalism if you aren't human
#DID LYF SING THE PART IN SLEEPING BEAUTY? NO. VOTE JONNY
#Jonny’s a creature#vote Jonny
#sorry for that Hermitfans but my boy Jonny is feral and i think he is a creature
#chat vote jonny#HES LITERALLY JUST A LITTLE CRITTER PLEASE
#look at that face#he’s a creacher
#it's jonny d'ville i don't have any more to say
All crimes but sex crimes, because Jonny isn’t a MONSTER
#JONNY#i'm so sorry pearl you are too well adjusted for this#he's got devil in his name#(that he gave himself because he's a huge fucking nerd)
#LITERALLY LOOK AT HIM THE GREMLIN ENERGY IS OFF THE CHARTS
#voted jonny for the rabies
also. hold up. the pearl propaganda is saying to vote for her because she's an alien and a bloodthirsty fighter? BOY DO I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU ABOUT JONNY FUCKING D'VILLE
five am pearl this five am pearl that, jonny's just like that all the time
#please vote jonny. i know we're pitting two bad bitches against each other but jonny has tried to eat a guitar
#CMON GUYS VOTE JONNY D’VILLE HES SUCH A CREATURE#HAVE YOU SEEN HIM??? HAVE YOU HEARD HIM TALK ABOUT THE OCTOKITTENS???#VOTE JONNY
#Jonny is such a creature
#jonny is literally THE creature
#come on vote Jonny that thing is creachur incarnate#and he can sing#his fave food is human flesh and more violence
Jonny man entire existence is teeth claws belts and trauma
#that guy is so feral#just vote jonny#also there was this one time where he found a half dead dude on the moon and brang it home to show to his gay pirate friends#just sayin#and also this harmonica solo over his father's dead body in one eyed jacks#iconic#anyway vote jonny
#literally jonny bites people and eats them regularly
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eatmyassssssssz · 5 months
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Captain John Price
warnings : age gap implied
tags : @lillianastuff @mysticalgalaxysalad @mionacaped @madamemelancholysstuff @mactavishwritings @chaos-reigns-bitches @scribblescubbs @wandasbitch22 @warzxx @wretched-horn-monger @yippeerrrs @applbottmjeens @bowieisbored @blingblong55 @simonrileyscockring
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old man price who struggles to come, he can get it up, but he struggles to come, takes him ages.
hes retired by the military by now, youre his little house husband/wife.
you started to realise you guys have sex a lot less. and when you do, its not really sex. he doesnt get anything out of it. he always makes you come, then goes straight to aftercare.
you worry, maybe he's stopped being attracted to you as he got older. maybe his taste has changed.
you overthink one night, hes fast asleep next to you, snoring. you cant sleep, youre trying not to be too loud with your crying and hyperventilating so you dont awaken your husband (although, nothing could wake up that damn man).
then, you snap. you shake him. until he wakes up. you needed to ask him why he wouldnt have sex with you, when he had a pretty high sex drive a year ago!
was it because you put on a pound or two because of christmas incoming?
either way, hes awake, sat up, half asleep, looking at his partner, having a borderline panic attack next to him.
"whats-, whats wrong?" he says, hurriedly rubbing his eyes to get the sleep out him eyes at least a little.
"why dont you like me anymore!" bit blunt, but you weren't thinking very straight right now, you needed answers, and now.
no matter what the answer was, you needed closure. you needed something to let you decide what you needed to do.
was the "problem" you, or did he just fall out of love?
"what- what do you even mean?" he genuinely did not get what you meant.
"youve not had proper sex with me in ages!" you say, rushed, words not going through your head properly.
his face fades. a soft pink spreads up his neck and ears. "so, its about that.." he mutters.
"am i not attractive enough for you to fuck me anymore? you make me come, then skip the part when you get off, and we go straight to aftercare!" tears were rushing down your face, you hiccuped as you spoke.
"babe- its not you, its me." he says, face in his palm.
"please- nonono, i cant afford for us to split up! i love you- and, and- i dont have any qualifications, i didnt go to college so we could be together forever, john!" your head was rushing to conclusions, your breathing was fast, choked and panicked.
"no! nono, i dont want to split up- i...what i meant was, i literally- it is me thats the problem. i can't- yknow...come." his voice was low, his fingers were massaging his temples, his face was red with embarrassment over this.
"...youre joking? thats why we've not had sex? i thought you were fucking someone else and had nothing left for me or something!" you were relieved, to say the least. "no- babe, i would never."
you nod. "i know- i just..overthink." you admit. he nods. "im aware.." you smile softly. he did know you well. "so..you cant come?" you ask.
he mumbles a response, "i can- just takes...a while...yknow? i can still get hard like i used too- just...not come easily." you smirk hearing that. "so...its possible you can come, just takes a minute?"
"yup."
"..you wanna try that theory?"
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rookiesbookies · 4 months
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mischievous COD ideas😈
Heavily pregnant reader knowing that her hubby doesn’t want to be rough in the slightest with her due to her pregnancy and refrains from punishing her, so she abuses that fully to be a brat
To my sweet sweet brat reader, Im sorry if this is not all you hoped as I am a resident good girl. The one time I was a brat I got degraded (“such a good bitch”) and cried. I hope I do a good job portraying the relationships, if I dont let me know and I will edit it or rewrite sections that dont fit. You also didn’t specify so imma write for my usual set of lovelies. (Im also added Krueger because I’ve recently fallen in love with him a lil bit and he kinda fits thi)
The boys with pregnant brat wife
Price
This man is too worried about helping you get your shoes on. “You’re pregnant, isn’t not being able to see your feet punishment enough?” He’s not going to do much other than pinching you. Whether it’s your ass or your arm, and they’re hard “i had to discipline Soap subtly and im a dad” pinches. He’ll also use pressure points. Give the back of your arm the good pinch and twist. He’s just trying not to take it personally.
Soap
He’s googled what positions he can put you in. He’s googled if its safe for the baby. He has googled what he can and cannot do. He has spoke with your doctors about it, as embarrassing as that phone call was. And for certain punishments, its a long game. Like holding your ice cream you crave hostage until you learn. If he can’t make it sexual, he’ll find other ways.
Ghost
Like Price, he’s also using pressure points. Not the ones that knock you out but the ones that feel weird or make you got “ow”. Cannot get hard and it’s not because you’re not hot its bc he literally gets more flaccid than a limp noodle at the thought of possibly hurting that baby. He’s also very good at holding grudges and every time you brat out and walk all over him, he’s making a note on his phone for later.
Konig
Oh but he just got you to whine and cry you admit you want his cock. He knew eventually he could wait out your little game. “You acted out and now you must wait until I want to give it to you. You ask so nicely though, keep trying. I like when you beg.” He’s so mean, he’d make you wait until after you gave birth and however many times you acted out is how many weeks (or months depending on how he’s feeling) after you have to wait to get any pleasure from him.
Keegan
your toys aren’t doing it for you anymore? Nope. He’ll keep fluttering his fingers over you figure and let you use that tiny dildo he got you that cant even stretch you like he can. That’s all you get. His hands wont even go lower than your waist. They wont even touch close to your nipples. This is real torture. Every orgasm is so unfulfilling. I feel bad for you really. Hope this teaches you.
Gaz
He’s a doormat anyway. I don’t see him punishing anyone. He’s too much of a gentleman. I do believe he’d pull orgasm after orgasm out of you casually when you act up with his hands. Never giving you his dick as much as you beg. Pleading, crying for it, he wont budge. No you can deal with the consequences of your actions while he sits here and watches this movie. “Why aren’t you watching, love? You picked the movie. No, no, stop your whining, just sit and watch.”
Krueger
Sebastian doesn’t care. He’ll find other ways. Like right now you’re legs spread and hands flat against the wall as he spanks your ass, every time he does you have to say thank you and apologize for snapping at him. He knows you’re hormonal, but he’s going to make you apologize. Oh and he’s kissing away those tears and asking you if you understand what you do wrong while running you a nice bath and all the rubs and lotion for your poor butt.
Masterlist is pinned on profile as always, don’t forget to leave me a comment or a request in my inbox to let me know what yall want to see!
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holllandtrash · 9 months
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gone | daniel ricciardo
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pairing: daniel ricciardo x driver!reader (part 3 to fragile line)
I just know You're not gone You can't be gone
The 2023 season is painful, its challenging and Daniel is still very much in your life in all the ways he shouldn't be.
word count: 9.9k (i dont even know how) warnings/tags: angst, heartbreak, all the painful stuff
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“I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“Do what?” 
You exhaled a breath that made your entire body shake, “You know what, Daniel.” 
Of course he did. For the last few months, he was experiencing the exact same things you were. The uncertainty, the tension, the sleepless nights, god you were so tired. 
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be you and him. You were supposed to be a team. 
So much went wrong, too much. Daniel stood in front of you now as you asked yourself if you were too far gone. 
And you both knew the answer to that one. 
That first race back in Hungary…you were a mess. You probably would have been a little bit more put together had Oliver not pointed out the lineup for the driver’s press conference. 
“You’re kidding,” your jaw dropped, staring at the list. “Who’s smart idea was it to put myself and Daniel together?”
“This is Formula 1,” Oliver sounded apologetic, he did feel bad about the situation. “The FIA doesn’t care if he’s your ex.”
The FIA didn’t care but the entire world watching did. Speculations on what would happen, where you would sit, what would be asked flooded social media. 
When you showed up on Thursday, Lando patted your back and told you to breathe.
“Easier said than done, Lando. I don’t see you being forced to sit with your ex.”
He chuckled at that because you had a point. “Look, I love Danny, but don’t let him get to you, alright?”
Originally, Lando did try to switch the sessions. He talked to Zak, PR, everyone, just because he knew how much you were dreading it. But alas, it was you who was now standing outside the media room, leaning against the wall as you waited to go in and get these next twenty minutes over and done with.
Your plan was to just say as little as possible to everyone. You were banking on the fact that the attention would be solely on Daniel and his return, and that was made clear when he walked into the hallway, getting warm greetings from other drivers and those standing nearby.
He had absolutely no reason to stand next to you, not when there were about ten other people who would have been dying for a few seconds of his time. 
Daniel cleared his throat, hands behind his back as he leaned against the wall as well. 
You counted six seconds before he opened his mouth, speaking to you for the first time since the awards dinner months ago. 
“Not even a hello?” He asked, but he wasn’t the least bit surprised that you were completely avoiding looking in his direction. You ignored him and Daniel laughed to himself at your lack of response.
The door opened again and you took a breath of relief when you realised you were about to be called into the press conference. Just get it over and done with.
Daniel didn’t have the same priorities and spoke up again, “I just want to know-”
You promptly cut him off, you had to. “Look I think it would be best if we just-” god this hurt, you couldn’t even look him in the eye. “Let’s just not talk, okay?”
You pushed yourself away from the wall when one of the media assistants handed each of you a mic and gave you the thumbs up that it was time for the five of you to head out onto the couch. Daniel quickly followed behind you, voice low enough that you could hear but it was unlikely anyone else could.
“So that’s it? You have nothing to say to me?” He asked. “For the person who got you into Formula 1?”
You as well spoke in a harsh whisper, “You may have fast tracked my career but I could have made it to Formula 1 without your help.”
You liked to believe that was true. Was it? You’d never know now.
“But you did take my help,” he pointed out, a groan slipping past his lips as he sat down on the couch. You made sure to distance yourself from him, leaving room for Carlos to sit between you. Even still, Daniel wasn’t done. “You took my help, my resources and then my seat.”
“And what did you do?” You hissed, arms crossed over your chest as different media personnel started to slowly trickle into the room, the lucky ones who claimed the first row were probably close enough to hear you and Daniel.
“Pardon?” He turned his head towards you. Carlos instinctively leaned further back, not wanting to be in the middle of this conversation, but watching and listening intently, as were the other drivers.
“What did you do, hmm?” You repeated, eyes scanning the growing crowd before you snapped your head in his direction. 
For a moment, this feud didn’t matter. Your heart skipped a beat, like it had the hundreds, thousands, of other times when his eyes met yours. The same brown eyes that for months you allowed yourself to get lost in. One look from him and everything around you faded to black. Nothing else seemed important when Daniel was looking at you, giving you his undivided attention.
But this moment wasn’t like all of those other ones.
You snapped out of it, returning to your original thought, much to Carlos’ dismay as he thought you guys were done and had started to relax in between you. 
“We both replaced a driver before their contract was up, Daniel.” You stated, wanting to point out the hypocrisy in his actions. “You are no better than me. We did the exact same thing.”
“It wasn’t the same and you know it,” Daniel retorted, not skipping a beat. He had those words lined up for weeks now, waiting for the chance to say them because there was no way in hell you weren’t going to point out the similarities in your actions.
But Daniel was right. It wasn’t the same. The biggest difference being, you were in love with Daniel when you signed that contract with McLaren, and he was in love with you. 
It wasn’t just a driver screwing over another driver. You drove a wedge between the two of you.
You had the thought to stand up and walk out. The press conference hadn’t officially started yet, the last few reporters were just finding their seats. You could say you’re ill, something came up, really any excuse to get out of here and away from Daniel’s harsh stare.
Don’t let him get to you. Lando’s reminder floated to the front of your mind and you forced yourself to just sit back and look at the small crowd instead. It was clear to everyone who even glanced your way that you did not want to be sitting there, but thankfully Tom Clarkson got the session up and running.
Of course Daniel was the star. Tom had questions about his return, about his short break, about being back with familiar faces. Daniel answered them all with such ease, the familiar heartwarming grin on his face that you couldn’t bear to look at. 
You zoned out, really, arms crossed in front of your chest as you tried to ignore the double standards coming from your right. You doubted Daniel was going to get as much hate online as you had gotten. No one was asking him how he felt about taking another’s seat, everyone was just happy he was back.
“And Y/N, onto you-”
You snapped your head up, plastering on your best smile.
“Last year you finished quite high in Hungary in Formula 2 and after your best finish out in Silverstone, you must feel quite confident going into this weekend?”
You lifted the mic up to your lips, “Yes and no, you know the car’s upgrades are proving to be paying off and we’re hoping to use them to our advantage this weekend but one can never be too confident. As a team we’ll be fighting to be at the front again but in the back of our minds we know that everyone else is doing the same.”
Tom nodded, content with that answer, “And is it nice to have another familiar face on the grid? Daniel acted as a sort of mentor for you during your time in F2, did he not?”
You tensed up and next to you, Carlos felt it. He nudged his arm against yours, a subtle move of encouragement. Carlos, like most of the drivers, knew how uncomfortable the situation was for all involved.
But you couldn’t process the kind gesture. Not when you could practically feel Daniel staring at you, burning holes into the side of your head as he waited for your response.
“I think, yeah a lot of people are probably happy to welcome him back,” you spoke quietly, and not at all convincing. But hey, at least you removed yourself from the answer and gave a general response. One that no one could flip on you.
Tom tried, though, “But personally, what’s going through your mind right now?”
You had so much media training. You knew the proper answer would be something along the lines of how Daniel is a great asset to the sport and how the grid is better with him. Nothing personal, but just facts the general public could agree with. You knew what to say.
But you scoffed instead, “Why aren’t you asking the other drivers how they feel?”
Max spoke up from the opposite end of the couch, “It’s great having Daniel back.”
You shot him a quick, yet thankful, smile. While he was good friends with Daniel, anyone on that couch could see how that question was only given to you because of your history with the Australian. And this press conference was supposed to be about motorsport, about the racing coming up. 
You stayed quiet for the rest of it and as soon as it ended you bolted out of that room. 
Unfortunately, so did Daniel.
He caught up to you with ease, “Hold up, Y/N, I want to talk.”
Daniel reached for your arm and you pulled it out of his grasp as you turned around to face him, “I don’t think there’s anything left to say. No, you said plenty last year. What was it, exactly? Something about how taking your seat before your contract was even up was the worst thing I could have possibly done? I’m not going to sit there and listen to everyone praise you for coming back when you dragged my name through the dirt for the exact same fucking move. I’m not going to listen to a single thing you have to say, knowing you’re the biggest hypocrite this sport has ever seen but won’t admit it.”
Daniel huffed out a short breath. For a second, you thought he was going to apologise, but that thought quickly left when his forehead creased, his jaw tightening, “Sometimes you gotta burn a few bridges in this industry, but you figured that out all on your own, didn’t you?”
You shook your head, taking a few more steps backwards as heavy sarcasm dripped from your tongue, “Nice to have you back, Daniel.”
It really was anything but nice. Not when that entire race was focused on how you and Daniel interacted in the paddock- or the lack of interaction was probably a better way to phrase it. Everyone knew you two to be connected at the hip. Now you were turning around and walking in the opposite direction to avoid him.
The next race was worse. Spa. It was a challenging track already, you knew this going into the practice sessions. You were prepared for a difficult weekend.
What you weren’t prepared for was leaving the garage towards the end of Q1 to set a lap time, only to be blocked by Daniel before you could cross the finish line. He slowed down before the straight, like many drivers did before giving it all they had on their way to start a flying lap. 
But Daniel didn’t speed up like you expected him to. He kept you behind him for as long as he could before shifting gears and taking off. When it was your turn to cross the line and get your time started, you heard the call come in from the garage. 
“Times up,” your engineer, Ronnie, said through the radio. “You didn’t cross the line in time.”
Once that timer hit 0, no one was allowed to start a new lap. Every other driver made it across in time, but Daniel’s little move kept you from throwing your hat into the ring for Q2. 
You embarrassingly made your way back around the track, pulling into the pit lane to park in the garage. It wasn’t long before other drivers followed, but they had all set lap times. Climbing out of the car, you noticed that Daniel didn’t make it through either.
Serves him right, you thought. 
God, you wanted to give him a piece of your mind. 
Right on time, you watched on the screen as Daniel dove into the pit lane. You ignored the calls from Ronnie and Oliver, not a single thought in your mind except to ask Daniel what his problem was.
Oliver knew what you were doing as soon as you stepped out of the garage. You ripped your helmet off and shoved it into his hands as he hurried to walk at your pace. Your eyes were set on the AlphaTauri garage just up ahead and you could hear Oliver warning you, telling you to just turn around and go back to McLaren but the second you saw Daniel get out of his car, you snapped.
“What the hell was that?” You asked, eyeing him up from where he stood at the garage opening. 
Daniel wasn’t the least bit surprised to see you, but he did stand up straighter, already anticipating whatever you had to say to him. 
“You’re a prick, you know that?” Your insult did little to offend him. 
“It's not my fault you left the garage late,” Daniel shrugged, taking no responsibility for your inability to set a lap time. 
“It’s completely your fault for slowing down more than necessary.”
“I didn’t want to run into traffic.”
“You fucked up my qualifying, Daniel.”
You felt Oliver’s hand on your shoulder. He wasn’t trying to pull you away, but the touch was to get your attention. Aside from AlphaTauri crew members watching this interaction, there was also a camera pointed directly at the two of you, streaming live to F1TV and whatever else broadcast that chose to air it. 
Daniel wasn’t as concerned about his media appearance, stepping forward the slightest bit so you were only inches apart. 
“If I were you, sweets, I wouldn’t be blaming your problems on the person who got you into this sport.”
You were so close to losing it on him for that comment. You probably would have, had he not thrown in his old nickname for you. Only it wasn’t sweet anymore. There was a distaste on his tongue as he said it, you heard it. He only said it to throw you off, to remind you that he no longer cared for you the way he used to. He was using it against you now.
Daniel saw the way you froze, completely losing your train of thought and he used it to his advantage to walk away from this conversation. He was happy to get the last word in and all you could do was drop your head and walk as close to Oliver as humanly possible as you made your way back to McLaren.
The altercation was heavily split down the middle by all who watched. Some people agreed that Daniel slowed down purposely to keep you from crossing the line in time to start a lap. They also agreed that he should have owned up and apologised for it, saying that it wasn’t in his character to leave another driver so defeated after something that was clearly his fault.
Other people agreed that it was your fault for leaving the garage too late, taking Daniel’s side. They said that it wasn’t very mature of you to confront him like that, or to swear at him. It only added to the conversation of how women weren’t ready to have a place in Formula 1. 
Your PR manager advised you to put out a statement about it, an apology. You ignored her advice. In your opinion, the only person who had to apologise was Daniel.
Of course he didn’t, though. 
Which meant you didn’t apologise when after the summer, In Zandvoort, you braked a little early when Daniel was behind you. You played it off saying you anticipated the turn too early. Daniel happily complained about you in the media pen when he was forced into the grass and then ultimately the barrier, forcing his race to end early. Social media blew up, like usual, feeding into this childish feud. 
That’s how it went for most all, of the races. It wasn’t as though you were purposely trying to ruin his weekends, nor was it his goal to ruin yours, but if you happened to be alongside each other during the race or near each other during qualifying, fans started to put their money on who would target who first.
You didn’t like that that was what your weekends turned into. It was one thing to want to know where the rest of the drivers were in comparison to you, but to be so focused on Daniel was taking it to the extreme.
But you were determined to prove you were a good driver without him, that you were a better driver than him. That taking that McLaren seat wasn’t a mistake and if anything, he should be regretting being so harsh on you. You wanted him to eat his words, and it helped your case that he was definitely struggling in the AlphaTauri. 
You finished ahead of him a handful of times. You could try and convince yourself it was skill, but a determining factor really was how horrible Daniel’s car was. That was proven when you were struggling with an upgrade package in Singapore. Some analysts compared the pace of the McLaren to the AlphaTauri, and said that the upgrades were really more like downgrades. 
When Daniel finished ahead of you, claiming sixth that race while you crossed the line in 17th, you were furious. You told the team that as a whole, you were much better than that. That the McLarens should not be finishing in the bottom five considering how successful you had been mid season. 
Those closest to you knew what you meant. You shouldn’t be finishing behind Daniel. 
Things weren’t perfect after that, despite going back to the old set up. You were back to fighting for points, but so was Daniel. And you hated it. You thought you could rely on the McLaren being better than the AlphaTauri, but you forgot to take into account that Daniel truly was one of the best drivers on the grid.
It got to the point where you and Ronnie had a code. If you finished ahead of him, on the radio, Ronnie would say way to go champ. If Daniel finished ahead of you and you weren’t already aware of it during the race, Ronnie would say there’s still work to be done. 
Again, those closest to you knew how much it meant to beat Daniel. 
You wanted to prove to him, and everyone but you wouldn’t lie to yourself it was mostly him, that you deserved that fucking seat. That you made the right choice by signing the contract, despite it meaning he was without a car for a few months. You shouldn’t have felt guilty for putting yourself first, your career first, if you were doing something great, which you were. 
Plus, the better you did, the less of a reason Daniel had to judge you. How could he still be upset with you for taking that McLaren seat when you were doing what he couldn’t? Scoring in the high points, being consistent, for the most part. How could he say that taking his seat was the worst thing you could have done when ultimately, it would boil down to jealousy? Daniel struggled in that McLaren, and he assumed you would too. That wasn’t the case. 
And deep down, even if you didn’t want to admit it, there was still a part of you that aimed to make Daniel proud. Even if you couldn’t get back to when you were each other's biggest fans, you hoped that he had moments when he looked at the driver standings and nodded to himself, smiling maybe, because even if you weren't on the best of terms, you were doing what he always knew you could do. 
You had no idea, but moments like that did come for Daniel. They were far and few between, rarely caught on camera or at least, never brought to your attention. You had no way of knowing Daniel was leaving the AlphaTauri garage, conflicted about how he felt about your accomplishments. You were doing better than him, there was no denying that. He just chose not to admit it.
The only time that season where you knew he was proud was at COTA. One of his favourite races on the calendar.
You qualified well, P3. That hadn’t happened since Silverstone. The race itself didn’t produce anything too horrible, aside from a few drivers at the back of the grid collided early on and unfortunately Daniel was one of them, being forced to retire. 
You, though, you were flying. Your biggest competition was Lando who had started P2, again, similar to Silverstone. For most of the race, your job was to defend Carlos who was aiming for that podium, wanting to take P3 from you. 
Typically, you would have boxed first. That’s usually what happened to give Lando the advantage. And with Carlos most likely being on an undercut strategy, you expected the call to come in to box ahead of him. 
But that didn’t happen. Instead, you watched Lando pull into the pit lane, giving you the automatic second place position. In your mirrors, you watched as Carlos pulled into the pits as well.
“What’s going on?” You asked Ronnie through the headset. 
“Plan F.”
Plan F was one you joked about, but never actually executed. Plan Fight you and Lando called it, but both of you knew that you’d never actually be given the go ahead to fight it out for the podium positions, not wanting to risk damage to the cars.
“Plan F?” You repeated, the shock in your voice evident. That made for good content on F1 Twitter.
“Box this lap,” Ronnie instructed before going on to explain. “Carlos is struggling with his pace, we believe his main goal will be to defend.”
From what you knew, Lewis was behind him, and if Carlos was struggling with his pace he wouldn’t be fighting for a podium, he’d be fighting to keep that fourth place position. 
Which meant you and Lando were also free to fight. 
Pitting for new tyres dropped you back a bit, but it didn’t take long at all until you were right on Lando’s tail again. You stayed there for the majority of the last half of the race, the gap wavering anywhere between half of a second to three seconds behind. 
You tried to pass, truly. But Lando’s defensive game had always been strong. You looked for the opportunities in the corners, along the straights, but it wasn’t until the third to last lap did the chance come. 
You had closed the gap as much as you could, not needing to worry about whoever was behind you, you figured it was still Carlos. As you approached the back straight, you knew Lando was expecting you to dart to the left in an attempt for an overtake on the inside, you had tried it in five out of the last ten laps and each time you were still left eating his dust. 
You veered slightly to the left, giving Lando the impression that was your goal and the second he made the move to defend, you steered the car to the right and gave it everything you had. It was a tricky move, vying for the outside overtake going into the tight corner, but when it seemed to work out, you had the inside line for the following turn and Lando was soon in your mirrors. 
He tried to take that position back, but you took advantage of the clear air and set off, determined for your first podium, determined to finish ahead of Lando.
Lando ended up claiming third, crossing the finish line only a second after you did. After a victory lap, where he jokingly flipped you off, the two of you pulled into parc ferme. Immediately, you collapsed into Lando, arms tight around him because not only was this a success for you, but for the team. Both McLaren drivers on the podium for the first time this season.
Through the cheers, you could hear Lando yell something about making history. Whether that was in regards to both of you or the fact that you were the first female to ever podium in F1, you weren’t sure. It didn’t matter anyway. You just knew you were proud.
You jumped into the arms of your team next, those standing behind the barrier. Adrenaline was pumping through you, you just wanted to celebrate with everyone. When you eventually took your helmet off, a few tears were streaming down your face and you didn’t even think about the risk of turning into the new George Russell crying meme. 
You were shaking as you stood in the cool down room, too amped up to sit. Max had been through this dozens of times before. Nor was this Lando’s first podium either, but you were on top of the world.
The ceremony went by in a blur. As did the post race conference. You really did try to take in each second of it, thankful that Lando was there at your side the entire time. This entire process was new to you and if Lando wasn’t in your ear telling you to breathe, where to go, to enjoy the moment, you would have been a mess.
There was so much that happened following that race, there was no way you could have known what was going on with any of the other drivers. It wasn’t until you got back to your hotel room at the end of the day with instructions to ‘get changed because we’re going out’ from Lando, did you see what you had missed.
It felt like hours since you even looked at your phone. You had called your parents, but you didn’t have much time for anything else. Now that you were sat on the edge of your bed, you were able to scroll through your texts and notifications. 
You were able to see the clip you were tagged in way too many times, on way too many platforms.
It was short, but any longer and you wouldn’t know what to do with yourself. You clicked play and watched the video of you crossing the finish line. Lando was following behind, but whatever broadcast this was from didn’t care about his finish. The shot switched to Daniel, from where he stood in the AlphaTauri garage.
Whoever was filming caught his live reaction of you coming second at COTA.
The nod, the faint curl of the corner of his lips because as much as he tried, he couldn’t fight the smile on his face as he watched you take your first podium position in F1, something that he once dreamed for you.
But you not being part of his dreams anymore didn’t mean that he stopped wishing you accomplished yours. 
This brought you back to the first video you watched of him a few years back, before you even met him, where he spoke so highly of you. He wanted you to succeed so badly back then and he wanted to be at your side while you did so.
Now here you were, succeeding, but where was Daniel?
Maybe that’s where some of his hostility lied. You didn’t need him, clearly. Or at least, that’s what he thought. 
The reality was, you wanted to prove you could do this without him, but you wished you didn’t have to. 
You were conflicted, you both were. And it didn’t help that you weren’t speaking civilly to each other because my god a simple conversation would probably do wonders for both of you. 
That was Lando’s thought, as he sat down next to you in the booth and handed you the glass of coke, no rum much to his dismay. You didn’t drink during the season, even if you had something to celebrate, Lando knew this. Champagne on the podium was the only exception.
Tonight, though, as you sat in your thoughts and replayed the image in your mind of Daniel smiling up at the screen, you figured that another exception wouldn’t hurt. 
You turned down the coke and grabbed his drink instead, downing it in one gulp and instantly regretting it because you were fairly certain it was tequila based and tequila just wasn’t something you ever enjoyed. Lando laughed and handed you the coke to chase it down with. 
“You’re letting loose tonight?” He asked, sitting down beside you. His arm stretched across the bench behind your shoulders. He didn’t even try stifling his chuckle as you struggled with the bitter taste left in your mouth.
“I need to,” you answered. 
“You deserve to,” he corrected. Lando reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet and then a sleek black card. He didn’t say anything to you, nor to the server who came by and knew that by him dropping the card on the table meant he was asking for bottle service. 
It wasn’t long before you had a row of shots to split between the two of you and a few others who had crowded the booth, some you knew, some you didn’t. Not that it mattered, you just wanted to drink, you didn’t care who you were with.
Lando being there was a godsend, though. He knew that you were a lightweight and told you that the glass in your hand was a vodka soda when in reality he asked the server for you to just be given water after a few hours of the most carefree drinking he had ever witnessed from you. 
The music was blaring, you had gotten up to dance at one point, but you kept finding your way back to the booth. Clubbing wasn’t your thing and Lando, whether he liked it or not, was an anchor for you tonight. He kept you safe, kept you from drowning in the sea of people and alcohol. 
He could do a lot that night, but he couldn’t prevent the inevitable storm that was Daniel Ricciardo making an appearance at that Austin night club.
Lando saw him first and turned to you with the intention of suggesting that you both called it a night. But no words came out when he saw the painful look of desire and despair mashed together on your features as you spotted the Australian driver. 
You didn’t drink often, but if you did, you would know that feelings are often elevated under the influence. You’d also know that alcohol lowers inhibition, giving you a false sense of security to say what was really on your mind.
“I don’t get it,” you spoke quietly and Lando leaned in closer to hear you over the music blasting from all corners. 
“Get what?”
You pulled your gaze off of Daniel before you could accidentally make eye contact and looked at your teammate instead. He seemed concerned for you, he always did when Daniel was involved. 
Lando always did what he could to get your mind off Daniel and the past. He was a good friend, a good person to have in your corner but he wasn’t who you wanted there at the end of the day. You had grown to love Lando, not in the way you loved Daniel, though, so you couldn’t deny that you wished it was the Aussie sitting next to you in the booth, celebrating your podium. You hated that you wanted that.
“Do you miss him, still?” Lando prompted, knowing you had lost your train of thought. 
When you shook your head, Lando gave you a look that clearly showed he didn’t believe you, but it was true. You didn’t miss Daniel. What you felt was much worse.
“I don’t miss him,” you answered, glancing towards him again. He stood at the bar talking to a girl that you envied because at least she was talking to him. “But I think he’s my missing piece.”
You hadn’t felt whole since the day you and Daniel split. You walked out of his flat but you left a piece of you there, a piece you desperately tried to get back through race weekends and training and distractions but it was no use. It would always belong to Daniel and you feared he had no intention of giving it back. You feared, that no matter how much time had passed, you’d always feel a little incomplete. 
You stood up to leave soon after, thanking Lando for the drinks and assuring him you’d send a text when you got back to the hotel. 
Lando tried to follow you to the door, wanting to tell you that he would go with you, the concerned friend making another appearance, but before he could get a word out he watched as someone cut him off, also making a direct line towards the door of the club.
It took Lando a second to realise it was Daniel who was walking after you now. Lando just stood there and raised his hand to the back of his neck, asking himself if he had just made a mistake by not stopping Daniel.
When Lando asked the next morning if Daniel spoke to you, you gave him a questionable look, telling him that you didn’t talk to him at all. Lando explained that he had seen Daniel leave the club right after you, but you just shrugged, chalking it up to getting into the uber before Daniel had the chance to catch up to you.
But Lando saw the photos. He, like everyone else, saw images of Daniel climbing into the car right after you. He wasn't the least bit surprised you lied about it. 
You didn't want to tell Lando that Daniel had grabbed the side of the car door before you could shut it, pulling it back just enough for him to slide into the backseat next to you. You shuffled over to make room, but you couldn’t get a single word out. All liquid courage vanished and instead your palms were clammy, the car felt stuffy and you couldn’t even look at him.
Daniel as well, didn’t say anything. His legs were spread out slightly, knee hitting yours as his hands were folded together in his lap. 
Why did he follow you?
This was the first time in ages you had been alone together, minus the driver. 
The hotel was a short drive away, but it felt like ages, the two of you sitting in uncomfortable silence. You weren’t bickering like you often did if you were in the same room, but at this point you’d rather that than whatever this eeriness was. 
You thought maybe, maybe, this was your saving grace. Maybe Daniel had followed you out of the club to tell you he was proud of you, to tell you he still loved you, to tell you he was tired of this feud and wanted you back.
But the longer you sat in silence, the more it sank in that that wasn’t the case. 
You used to love each other. Now you couldn’t even hold eye contact.
Daniel waited until the driver pulled onto the street of your hotel before saying anything. 
“Checo’s gone after this year.”
You turned to him, unsure if you had heard correctly. “What?”
“He’s gone,” Daniel repeated, more confident this time, still not looking at you though. “Marko told me on Friday.”
You had way too much alcohol flowing through your system to be able to process this. Checo’s contract wasn’t supposed to be up until the end of 2024. 
But Nyck’s wasn’t supposed to be up in June and Daniel’s wasn’t supposed to be done at McLaren in 2022. These things happened in Formula 1, as unfortunate as it was for the driver getting the boot, these things often happened. 
And Daniel…why did he know this information? Why didn’t the rest of the grid know it? Did Checo even know?
You inhaled sharply, “Does this mean-”
“The news is dropping tomorrow morning, but I wanted you to know first,” Daniel cut you off, his forehead creased with tension. His jaw was clenched, like he wasn’t happy to be saying this but felt the need to anyway. “I’m driving for Red Bull next year.”
The first thought that came to mind was he’s done it again. Taking another driver's seat before their contact ended. 2-1 now. He was officially a shittier person than you were and you so badly wanted to rub it in his face. 
But you could see now that that was why he told you personally. He didn’t want to wait until you heard the news like everyone else, he didn’t want to give you an opportunity to attack him for this, to make him feel like the bad guy even though that’s how he made you feel this entire season so far.
Surprisingly, it wasn’t all that difficult to bite your tongue. 
“Congratulations,” you settled on, quietly but you meant it and you caught him off guard because he truly was expecting some sort of lashing out. 
The driver pulled up to the hotel right at that second and you thanked him before stepping out, not giving Daniel a second look, again catching him off guard because you always looked back at him when you were together. 
Daniel waited a second. And then a few more before he bolted out of the car and into the hotel. You had made it to the elevator by that point and Daniel had to slide his hand between the doors to keep them from shutting. You watched as he pushed his way in and just like the car ride, said nothing.
You were on your way up to the twelve floor and Daniel waited until you arrived at the level before opening his mouth, waiting till the last second, wanting to cling onto this civil moment with you because who knew when it would come again?
“You’re not mad?” He asked.
The door opened and you had to brace yourself before standing up straight and walking out of the elevator, needing a moment to remember what side of the hall your room was on.
“I’m livid,” you answered, honestly. You were happy for him, but you were also angry about the situation. You didn’t know it was possible to feel both things at once, but in your drunk state, it was extremely possible. 
“Livid?” Daniel walked behind you, trying to gauge the rest of this conversation because you didn’t sound livid. 
“Enraged,” you said.
“Enraged,” he repeated.
“I want to wring your neck, Daniel,” you said, hearing him chuckle behind you because you didn’t sound the least bit threatening as you fumbled to unlock the hotel room door. The lock kept lighting up red and after your third failed attempt, Daniel took the card from your hand and unlocked it with ease, pushing the door open for you. 
You didn’t thank him, instead relying on the wall once you stepped inside to lean against as you pulled your heels off. Daniel followed you inside, standing at a cautious distance until you dropped your shoes because part of him thought that maybe you would throw them at him. You were enraged after all.
You weren’t sure why he was still there. He had told you what he wanted to tell you and he had no reason to still be hanging around. 
“What?” You finally asked, now sounding a little more on the annoyed side as you turned to stare at him. “What do you want? Why are you still here?”
“I want to talk.”
“About what?” You scoffed at him. “About the Red Bull contract? Congratulations, Danny. You deserve it. You deserve every fucking seat on this grid apparently.”
There it was.
“I knew you were mad.”
“I said I was mad!” You exclaimed, appalled that he was saying it like he discovered what you had already made perfectly clear. “I’m pissed, Dan. You have such a cult following that no one is going to bat an eye at you taking Checo’s seat, just like no one complained about you taking Nyck’s. Whereas I do it, I get offered the chance of a lifetime, to make history and I’m considered the villain? I didn’t end your contract, Daniel, I just replaced you and for some reason, no one cares about that narrative! They just care about you.”
You were yelling now. Daniel was probably regretting having followed you but it was too late for him to turn and walk out at this point.
“You know what the shitty part is?” You asked, stepping closer to him. Daniel could smell the vodka on your breath. That's how minimal the distance was between you. The last time you were this close you were wanting to rip his head off outside the AlphaTauri garage. 
“What?” He raised his eyebrows. Daniel couldn’t even begin to guess where you were going with this.
“This news is going to drop and my name is going to be circulating in the media again. They’re going to compare this, you taking his seat, to me taking yours. I will never be known as the first female signed to McLaren. I will forever be linked to you, no matter what you do in this fucking sport.”
You shook your head at him when he stayed silent. Pulling your eyes off of him, the heaviest exhale passed through your lips and you turned around, wanting this night to end. After you waved your hand in the air you muttered something about how he could see himself out.
But he didn’t go anywhere. 
And because he didn’t go anywhere and because you were drunk, you easily thought of more to say.
“You didn’t even like McLaren,” you sighed as you turned back around to face him, leaning against the wall. Your head was spinning. Maybe if you were lucky, this conversation wasn’t actually happening and it was a drunk figment of your imagination.
“No, but I loved you.” 
You definitely didn’t imagine him saying that.
“I loved you,” he repeated, the past-tense admittance felt like a stab to your chest. “And I wanted nothing more than to race alongside you without feeling the need to prove something, to be your partner off the grid. I wanted to love you and race at the same time and you ruined that.”
All you could do was shrug your shoulders. You had said everything you needed to say at this point in defence of your contract, “I’m a driver, Dan. The race, the seat, it comes first, everything else second. You of all people know that.”
“We could have had both.”
Both. Love and a spot in Formula 1. 
Clearly not.
“Could we have?” You asked, unsure if you even had an answer, but you needed him to really think about it. To think about it if that really was a possibility for the two of you. 
Daniel and you held each other's stares for a minute, waiting for the other to say something. You were still waiting, hoping, for him to say he was proud of you, that he still loved you, that it didn’t matter what happened in the past, but it did matter. Daniel was still waiting for a sincere apology, but you had nothing to apologise for. Signing that McLaren contract was the best thing you’d ever done for yourself, despite the strings to Daniel you had now found yourself tangled in, McLaren was where you were supposed to be.
“I’m tired, Dan,” you shook your head and glanced towards your room down the hall. Physically, mentally, you were drained. And you weren’t ready for what was to happen tomorrow when his contract news came to light.
It didn’t even feel like you had gotten a podium a few hours ago. The last thing you wanted to do was celebrate. You just wanted to crawl into bed and forget that Daniel had followed you here.
He didn’t stop you as you walked down the hall. He waited for you to look at him, but again, you were past that. What was a second look going to do at this point? You wiped your makeup off as best as you could and slid under the covers of your bed, quickly falling into a dreamless sleep.
And sure enough, the news dropped of his contract, of his new seat, and it wasn’t long before people started comparing it to what you had done the year prior. 
The first thing you saw when you woke up that morning, aside from the glass of water that Daniel had put next to your bed, was the news alert on your phone stating that Daniel was to replace Checo for 2024. 
The second article you read was about you. Speculating how you would feel about Daniel’s permanent return. The article highlighted the moments of your relationship, starting from the day he signed on to be your mentor to the time in the AlphaTauri garage when you were fighting over the qualifying lap he ruined.
And then there was a photo of you climbing into the car from last night, followed by Daniel getting into the car shortly after.
His name was trending. Your name was trending. Half the people online cared about his return to RBR. The other half wanted to know if you two were getting back together.
No one gave a single shit that you made history yesterday, landing that podium. 
You were the first female to score a podium position in Formula 1 and all anyone cared about was your connection to Daniel. Just like when you won the Monaco Grand Prix during F2, all anyone cared about was Daniel’s influence in your racing. When you were signed to McLaren, all anyone cared about was how you were replacing Daniel.
Daniel. Daniel. Daniel.
People didn’t care about your accomplishments. They only wanted to find a way to connect them all to Daniel.
You scrolled through the article and a new one was suggested for you at the bottom of it. Why Y/N Y/L/N Owes Her Career to The Honey Badger.
Instead of reading it, you threw your phone with as much strength as you had down the hall, out of your sight. You heard it hit the floor and slide across the hardwood. 
You couldn’t remember the last time you read something positive about yourself without a hint of Daniel’s influence. 
This wouldn’t have been as hard of a pill to swallow if he was still in your life the way you wanted him to be. If he really was still at your side, supporting you, cheering you on, you could look past the articles and speculations about how he was the only reason you were in the sport. It wouldn’t matter what people were saying if Daniel was in your ear reminding you of your potential, reminding you that you deserved that F1 seat.
But he wasn’t going to do that, not anymore. What you had was gone and you were left with the bitter memories and an unforgiving path you had to walk alone to prove yourself in this field.
You wanted to prove you didn’t need Daniel, but the entire world was making it their mission to remind you that at one point, you did. Maybe you still did, maybe you didn’t know who you were without him because let’s face it, everything you did on the track still revolved around him.
You cared about where he finished. You went out of your way to outscore him and only him. You didn’t do anything to relieve the tension in the paddock. You were very much playing into the narrative that he was still a key player in your life.
How could the world move on if you hadn’t?
Hearing footsteps make their way towards you, you sat up in bed, already knowing it was Daniel who didn’t leave when he should have.
You weren’t concerned about your appearance, he had seen you in a much worse state. He had better mornings as well, still wearing his clothes from last night, the bags under his eyes gave away the fact that he was about as tired as you were.
He had your phone in his hands, but he didn’t spend much time looking at the article on the screen. Instead, he dropped it to the table next to him and leaned against the doorframe, exhaling a heavy breath.
You didn’t move, content with the distance between you now because you had to be. Despite wanting nothing more than to be with him, you couldn’t have that anymore. Everything had to be at a distance.
Your phone chimed. Once, twice, and then about four more times. You knew it was people telling you about Daniel’s contract, not knowing that you had been given the inside scoop last night. 
At one point, you loved being connected to Daniel. Now, it was a burden. It was haunting. Each time someone mentioned him to you, sent you something about him, asked you a question about him, you were reminded that the connection was gone. 
Your lips parted and you had to take a quick, self-assuring breath before finally saying what had to be said.
“I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“Do what?” 
Your entire body trembled as you spoke, “You know what, Daniel.” 
Of course he did. He was as tired as you were. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this and yet here you were, staring at each other knowing that you were both too far gone to ever find your way back. 
You thought, maybe, possibly, you could work things out. For a brief moment, when you knew he was proud of you, you thought you saw a silver lining amongst the grey skies. And maybe you did, maybe it was there, but it was way beyond your grasp. You couldn’t reach out and grab it, you could only dream of it.
There was one solution. One that broke you, knowing you were stuck with it. You didn’t want to admit it. You wished you could push it down and keep living the way you had but you just couldn’t do it anymore. 
You were tired. This was hopeless. You both needed closure, but he wasn’t going to say anything which meant you had to.
“I’m stuck, Daniel. I’m stuck living in the moments between the day we met and the day I left because those are the moments that meant the most to me and I haven't been ready to let them go. I’ve never wanted to move on but you forced me to. You forced me to become the bad guy, to do this without you, to grow without you, to prove that I don’t need you but I do need you, I’ve always needed you. From day one, I needed you. My first time in the F1 car, I needed you. If I crashed out, I needed you. I always needed you, Daniel, and then after a five minute conversation you decided that I didn’t anymore. You made that decision for me, for us.”
You paused, you took a breath, you weren’t done. Despite being so painfully close to breaking down, you weren’t done.
“And now here I am, finally succeeding, finally making history in this sport, but it doesn’t mean anything because no one cares unless they find a way to connect it to you. I will always be in the shadow of the man I love and for this entire season, I’ve let it happen because it was the only way you’d still be in my life.”
Daniel cleared his throat when he heard that four letter word, standing up a little straighter, “You still love me?”
You glanced down at the duvet wrapped around your hips. It was heavy, suffocating, much like this conversation. “Truthfully, Daniel, I can’t imagine the day I stop.”
Daniel didn’t need to say anything for you to know he no longer felt the same. He had stopped loving you the day you signed the contract with McLaren. He may have been proud of your achievements, he may have appeared to have extended a short olive branch, one that gave you false hope, but he didn’t love you. 
Because it always came back to that one question. How could he love you- how could he be in your corner when you had pushed him out of his own? You may not have been the one to initiate his leave, but you gave him that final shove. 
That was a move you had to live with. 
“I love you,” you repeated, your eyes then trailing towards your phone where that stupid article was still displayed on the screen. “I always will, but I can’t be tied to you anymore. I can’t do this anymore.”
Even though Daniel was the one that had broken up with you all those months ago, this hurt more. Hearing you finally cut ties, knowing you didn’t want to be done but had to be, broke him. There was no salvaging this. 
“I think-” your voice cracked as you spoke, but for the sake of this conversation you did your damn best to hold it together. “I think we need to be done.”
We are done, Daniel wanted to say, but he knew there was more to your words.
Watching your bottom lip quiver made him want to pull you into his arms one last time. He wanted to apologise and hold you close before the tears could fall. 
“No more comments to the media,” you stated firmly. Daniel nodded. 
You were stronger than him, maybe you always were. Daniel could barely get a word out and here you were, laying down what had to happen moving forward.
“No more interactions,” you then said, raising your hand to your arm, a soothing gesture or maybe an anxious one, he couldn’t tell. “No more- no more following me out of clubs for people to see. No more giving anyone a reason to connect us. I don’t want you in my life as anything more than another driver on the grid. You’re not my teammate. You’re not my partner. You’re not in my corner. I don’t want to worry about what you think about me anymore. I don’t want to worry about where you finish and I don’t want you to care about where I’m at. I want you to focus on driving just like I want to focus on driving. That’s it. That’s who we are. We’re drivers, Daniel. That’s all we’ve ever been. Strip back every layer of us and racing remains. That’s how it should be. We’ve-” you sucked in a breath, your words getting caught in your throat for a second. “We’ve always known that, I think. That at the end of it all, we’re drivers first. We were foolish to think we could be anything more.”
You couldn’t have both. You couldn’t be in love while on the grid together.
You were only ever drivers. That’s why you signed the McLaren contract. That’s why Daniel didn’t think twice before replacing Nyck and now Checo. You both put your careers first. It wasn’t selfish, it was in your blood, and you couldn’t hold it against each other anymore. 
And you couldn’t hold onto it either.
As much as you liked to think there would come a day where you would still be in love, both of you on the grid, you accepted now that it would never happen. It was a dream, one you had to let go of. You had to mend the hole in your chest that he created. You couldn’t let him be that missing piece.
You had to respect Daniel as a driver, much like he had to with you. But that was it. No more conversations. No more subtle comments made about each other or to each other. You needed distance. No more missed looks in the paddock, because surely someone with a camera would catch it. No more watching the screen if the other was showcased. No more petty feuds. No more interactions. No more caring.
You had to cut ties with Daniel. It was the only way you could focus on yourself and your career.
Surely, enough time would pass where an article would be written about you that didn’t mention his name and his assistance in getting you to where you were now. But that wouldn’t happen if you were still holding onto him. You had to let go for the rest of the world to.
Daniel pushed himself away from the wall without saying a word. You watched, tense, as he slowly made his way towards you and sat down next to you on the bed. Knees touching like they were in the car ride last night. As you turned your head and stared up at him, you could make out the details in his face that you used to cherish, that you had memorised so early on in your relationship. 
But he had changed. There was a sliver of unfamiliarity in his eyes, a reminder that this wasn’t the Daniel who was in love with you anymore.
You had to look away.
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” you whispered. You kept your hands folded in your lap, worried that if you unclenched your fingers you would reach out for him. 
Daniel nodded, agreeing with you. He raised his arm up, tucking it over your shoulders and pulling you against his side. You inhaled a sharp breath at the gesture, knowing this would be the last time you’d feel his touch. He rubbed his hand over your arm, neither of you thinking to say anything else, because there really was nothing left to say.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
You were supposed to be in love. 
And maybe, in another world, you would be. If you didn’t make the move to F1, you could still be in love. If you settled with F2, if you moved to a different series, he could still support you and you could still be his biggest fan. 
But you were drivers. Career focused, determined, passionate drivers who wanted nothing more than to win. You both craved the honour and prestige of a Formula 1 seat more than anything, more than each other. You’d be lying if you thought otherwise.
You were drivers, so inevitably, it was always going to end like this.
__________________
is this the finale or is there one more chapter for these loveless drivers?
taglist: @torossosebs@whatthefuckerr@jspitwall@oconso@tsarinablogs@landowecanbewc@somanyfandomsbruh@christianpulisic10@storminacloud@sunnytkm23@formula1mount@azxulaa@icarus-nex@spideyspeaches @moonvr @destourtereaux @baw-sixteen @cinderellawithashoe @love4lando @alesainz @blueanfield @itsmeempar @vellicora
for some reason im struggling to add anyone else to the taglist, i deeply apologise. i would recommend turning on post notifs but i know its sometimes annoying, but i rly am struggling with my mentions
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seattlesellie · 11 months
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You x loser!ellie go to the beach and ellie is already freaking out because you’re in a bikini but then you get hit by a really strong wave and your bikini top flies off 🤭
that is soooooo ᰔ ᰔ ᰔ
🌊🌊🌊🌊
like you and ellie go to swimming together in the deep ocean water away from all of your friends. and she has this little … salt water stache sparkling under the sun right above her top lip !! she licks it as you move deeper and deeper into the water, the sand massaging your feet slightly and the sea algae scaring you to death !! every time you squeal she cant help but laugh at you … maybe thats a little mean, but shes so so nice when she holds your hand as she guides you through the rocks <3
and imagine how cute shed look squinting because the sun is too bright !! tiny little droplets of sweat all over her forehead … maybe shes also a little sunburnt on her cheeks ,,, because she definitely refuses to wear sunscreen… and so as the shore seems further and further away, the parasols looking like little colorful globs the more far you stray, you offer her to jump the waves with you … and she obviously happily obliges !!
you have a casual convo about sea turtles and sea animals (ellie either is obsessed with sharks or she has a really intense obsession over some weird unknown fish. imagine like,, leafy sea dragon… and she has about 90 interesting facts to tell you about it too) and so— you’re jumping up and down, she obviously tried to drown you two times but we will ignore that !! and suddenly you get hit by an intense, large wave that makes you go completely blind… and the salt obviously gets inside your eyes and you cant see shit, you’re both coughing trying to balance on each other and then — shes the one who realizes.
you’re completely topless. she realizes because now, the strings of your bikini aren’t visible to her anymore over the water… and she’s just floating there (still rubbing her eyes) her face is all red wearing this panicked expression… so she goes like “y— your top” and you’re still kind of dazed…. so you ask her very loudly “what??” (because maybe some water got in your ears) so she stutters “your bikini… flew off” and you start running your hands all over your chest because how the fuck are you supposed to find it ?? and ellie cant even MOVE let alone maintain her feet kicking to keep her afloat. she can’t see them very clearly but as soon as the sea goes tranquil and the waves stop hitting ,,, she sees your the top of your nipple just above the water … and she feels like she might stop breathing. maybe shell drown, maybe shell get a heat stroke!
she lets out a long shaky breath and tells you “i can help you… look for it” and when you tell her she’ll never find it shes like “no— no its fine i’ll look under water dont… fuck— dont worry about it” so she takes a dip inside… and her heart is beating so so fast. you drop your hands from your chest because the last thing thats on your mind is the possibility of her seeing, or trying to look at them underwater… but god, you barely know her do you? because when shes deep in there, and sees you drop your hands to meet your waist— it’s like she needs to ask joel to give her swimming lessons again.
she suddenly forgets why she’s even under there … what… bikini? what even happened? the only thing thats on her hazy mind, is the two beautiful mounds and the hard nipples poking through, her vision is a little blurry, yeah, but she’s still seeing them, and that’s enough for her to start choking under water again, and feel her pussy twitch inside her blue palm trees printed shorts … she almost wants to just … pretend to be a sea algae. maybe you won’t notice its her hands caressing your tits, maybe she could get away with it. thankfully, she’s not… that much of a perv, so she just stays there for a second, feet kicking inside the water, and it’s only when she cannot breathe anymore, that ellie breaks her own trance and goes up for some air.
“didn’t find it.”
“want me to look for it again?”
⋆˙⟡♡
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