#i feel like I'm back at square one

[theroundbartable]

This is  a style and brush study. Kinda hate it.  But I have these two brushes that I hate using, but that also make sense to my art style and like... force me to control my pen pressure more, so I’m trying to use that.  Also.... this is once again inspired by elentori-art. I really like studying her art style. Maybe one day I’ll be able to do good art too XD

#my art #study #sketch #this feels so unfinished #bbc merlin #merlin #merlin fanart #i'm doing anatomy studies #but I have no ideas what to draw #i feel like i got now control over my brushes anymore #i feel like I'm back at square one #and i'm sooooo impatient again #sry #this painting really made me uncomfortable #I'll post this here either way

[atissi]

finished classes so i finally have time to draw my little mullet guys -u-

#i feel like im constantly trying to warm-up by doing simple stuff and then i get busy with other things so the warm-up wears off. #and i'm back at square one. but hopefully this one sticks <-- definitely not gonna have time to draw in several weeks #i miss doing cool compositions man. i miss drawing actual poses #anyways i have a lot of fun with these two i think they'd have a very disjointed friendship if they ever met ^_^ #bonding over mullets and weird jewelry #my art #my ocs #<-- Technically. any resemblance to other characters is intentional

[evergreen-anodyne-decompounding]

when you're both laughing and you catch a glimpse of the person you fell in love with and suddenly the whole world goes quiet for a second

#it reminds me i still love you #and it makes me sick #it feels like May but it's February and I'm back at square 1 #god let me be the one on the other end for once #let me be the 9 to 5 #let me be the muse #let me be the waiting room #let me be something outside the end #on love #words words words #words

[bonebabbles]

God the new ultimate guide sucks

It's not JUST the awful art, either. The art's just worth mentioning because even if the book's info had been terrible or contained nothing new, really cute art can make it still worth having.

But, no, it's even full of recycled lines we've been hearing for years like "Bramblestar Can Match Squirrelflight's Fire Not Contain It," and that's when it DOES get everything right. These entries leave out major, important details (making them bad summaries) and are sometimes even straight-up incorrect.

SUMMARY THOUGHTS

Leafpool is said to have watched Brambleclaw kill Hawkfrost to save Firestar-- but for one, no, she was not there because Ashfur was still leading her and Squilf towards the scene. For two, no, Brambleclaw did not kill Hawkfrost just to save Firestar, it was self-defense. Hawkfrost had him pinned and was going to kill him.

They're REAL cute about Leafpool's death, too, neglecting to mention WHY the Sisters needed to be saved at all and just saying Leafpool's "generosity" lead to her death in that cave-in.

I'm not even going to get into everything on Bramble's entry jesus christ.

Sagewhisker's entry is ESPECIALLY fucken' dandy, framing Yellowfang's Secret like she was simply waiting patiently for Yellow to realize her 'destiny' and not actively shoving it on her at every opportunity.

Leopardstar's entry states that romantic interest in Tigerstar was part of her motivation. "Perhaps she'd hoped he would be her mate" please speak to a woman irl for once in your life.

Gray Wing's entry forgot that the reason he "blamed himself" for Bright Stream's death is because he was literally staring at his big strong brother too much and tripped on a root in front of him. It IS his fault she died.

Clear Sky/Skystar's entry is just obscene. "He regretted abandoning his son and after a fire, he encouraged him to live with him" instead of "saw his teenage child was useful now and bullied and belittled the kid and his uncle into letting Thunder come with him." "Retaining his fierceness towards his cats and outsiders which caused his son to leave" instead of "murdering, brutalizing, and abusing everyone around him caused Thunder to leave." I'll just say this tho; "Fierce" is an interesting way to spell "Cruel."

It's interesting that they don't point out that a major part of Jagged Peak's arc was proving he was "Just As Good" as every other cat in spite of his disability, thanks to his introduced-and-pregnant-in-the-same-book wife becoming his life coach, only earning Clear Sky's respect after being allowed to physically lead a patrol in Blazing Star. Instead they frame him finding his place through taking care of kits, which... was something he seemed to resent in the actual series, considering how the books suddenly treat Gray Wing's protective treatment of him as a terrible thing in Blazing Star because he "didn't give him a chance". But at the same time I actually strongly dislike Jagged Peak and his messy, frustrating character arc so I'm not really UPSET with it. Just... noting it. I suppose this is the official direction they're taking away from it?

Shadowstar's entry is barely even 3 paragraphs yikes.

SHORT STORY THOUGHTS

And if you're wondering if the 4 brand new stories they smooshed into the end in a desperate attempt to make the rush job worth buying are good? No. Of course not. They're all slop.

Story 1: Firestar and Graystripe

First one's a marginally cute story about Graystripe and Firestar which is setting up the framing device linking the mini-tales together. They both remember this situation where Firestar fell into a ditch wrong. The punchline is that Thunderstar remembers it perfectly and they're both like, "WOW! Too bad Thunderstar's memory sucks!"

It's not terrible, but it does feel a bit pointless. But, hey, if you want more Firestar and Graystripe in the series that tosses them fanservice at every turn, who am I to judge?

Story 2: Dovewing and Ivypool

The next one is the Dovewing/Ivypool reconciliation passage everyone's talking about. It's... fine, but immensely dissatisfying to me.

Dovewing is apparently having problems adjusting to her Clan, grapples a little bit with the fact she has no friends but is going to be finding meaning in helping tigerHeartstar "bring the new ShadowClan into existence." She ultimately decides that she needs to talk to her sister, and begs for reassurance that Ivypool believes in her, feeling that her support can help her get through this difficult time in her life.

I think its biggest problem is that Dovewing was not the right choice for the POV here.

Dove was never the one responsible for the rift in their relationship. Ivypool is. Ivypool is the one who was jealous, willing to sabotage anything that would put Dovewing closer to Tigerheart, and continues to be generally aggressive towards her. So when Dovewing is reaching out to Ivypool in hopes of them reconciling, it feels wrong because Ivypool is the one that should be reaching out to Dovewing. SHE is the one who has some things to apologize for, and to show how much she loves and misses her.

It's even kind of frustrating, because Dovewing can never catch a break. She has to have these problems to force her to reach out, Ivypool even ends up suggesting that she leave and come home and take her kids with her, but in the end even a LITTLE bit of assurance from her aggressive sister helps.

I feel super bad for Dovewing, man. She deserves better than this cheap writing. What was the point of such an unsatisfying, rushed reconciliation, shoved into a crummy field guide, when we KNOW from the newest book that they're just going to use tension between them as part of the drama anyway?

shouldn't have even been written, imo. Even ends off with, "They'll always have each other :)" which is so... cliche. It's TIRED. Are any of you really happy with just getting a retconned platitude in a good-for-nothing field guide, instead of seeing complicated, INTERESTING feelings in a main book?

Story 3: Alderheart and Twigbranch

A tale of Cherryfall getting sick during TBC and Alderheart sneaks back into the territory to treat her. Also Crowfeather has a scene where he yells at him. Charming.

Twigbranch comes up with a diversion while Alderheart does his work, which is cute. It's a fine story.

Story 4: Clear Sky

Trash. Three dogs spawn in the middle of a gathering so that Skystar can have an uwu big boy sendoff saving his grandkit. Then he goes to StarClan and throws a fit because they can't give him ANOTHER life, becoming so upset that he attacks the nearest woman. Naturally, Shadowstar brushes it off because it's not the first time Clear Sky has pummeled her in the midst of an adult tantrum and this book series thinks violence is fine if their favorite sadboy does it.

Then Gray Wing brings him to the magic mirror pool where you can see the living, to confirm that Star Flower is ok and that makes him feel better.

Then it launches into Firestar saying "ouuuugh yum I LOVE the taste of his butthole. Clear Sky is so misunderstood, He Just Loved Too Much."

to which Graystripe responds, "Yes, he was a good and amazing person and his farts smells SO good, and can you believe that some people think StarClan punished his Clan for his arrogance? As if he ever did anything wrong, ever?"

Firestar, indignant, refutes it with, "Ugh!! StarClan would NEVER be interesting, we don't punish living cats we just float around and make vague, frustrating prophecies that do nothing but pad the word count. Why cant ppl understand that, gosh."

who wrote this? Gray Wing??

#The amount of passive voice Clear Sky has to be surrounded with in order to look like a redeemable character is dizzying #I feel like I'm reading a headline about cops who blew up an orphanage every time I read anything official about him #oh wait im sorry. A ''high-pressure accident which occurred at a government institution with 3 officers present'' lmaooooo #ultimate field guide #bone babble #im actually REALLY glad actually they havent been making these #This was garbage #There were a few good things in this but overall? Absolute slop. I wouldn't even feed this to a pig. #I think this is actually down there with Cats of the Clans (with Rock) for worst field guide #This is abysmal #You would be better with the wiki summaries and the 4 stories are mid at best #What a shame that they re-pivoted so hard from Riverstar's SE which I was JUST praising for tossing out that shitty ''redemption arc'' #Nope. We're right back to square one. #How much do you guys wanna bet it's ONE writer who's OBSESSED with Clear Sky and every time he writes anything he does this #I'm not sure who wrote this one but let's see if my hunch is right lmao

[dawntheduckrb]

I'll stop posting wips eventually but it's been five days since I've said anything and I don't want anyone to think I'm dead/dying/stuck in a ditch and withering away, so here's 10% of the reason I disappeared (the duck is stuck in rendering hell) (and my little baby laptop is screaming at me every time I open up this file)

I might still be mostly lurking for a little bit so please be patient with me in the meantime 🙏🙏

#seriously though I'm sorry for just up and disappearing like that #wanna talk to people and interact with them so bad lately but I just can't bring myself to do it #so the best i can manage is blabbing in the tags like always #i don't know wtf is going on but over the past few days I've just felt like i don't deserve to talk to anyone #tried to reblog posts from mutuals several times but something in my head keeps saying; #'yeah they don't actually care for your input at all and you're being a bother for even trying etc etc' #and i know deep down that's probably not true (i hope) but i can't reason it away you know #and i know the best solution to this is to just talk to someone #let it be known that i *did* make an attempt to #i tried texting someone (and succeeded) but i couldn't keep doing it and I'm back at square one (and now feel worse lmao) #i'm not really putting this here for anybody to see it as much as i am for myself #but i know that (hypothetically) this could be seen by a real human so it still kinda feels like I'm reaching out in a way which feels nice #makes me feel less like I'm shriveling up in my own self imposed solitude #so uh hello person who might be reading the tags (there's six of you guys here now which is crazy cause i post nothing but junk here lol) #((but thanks anyway for following and even more thanks for reading this if you did)) #i'll make my way around all the posts i missed soon enough don't worry #i'm sorry i'm really not meaning to ignore anybody #i have drafted quite a few posts from moots that i couldn't finish leaving comments on but i have seen them #everyone here is super cool and talented as always <3 whether that be through art or writing or just finding neat posts to share #this wall of text is long enough and i'm very eeby so thank you again for reading this #tldr; not dead and i'll be okay eventually :) #not rb #hey look i didn't post a picture of my dog this time (a crime) #i'll make sure to share one the next time i get a good one

[stillthewc]

What if... I procrastinated reading a certain chapter of a really good fangan by drawing fan art for it? Haha, just kidding... unless...?

Anyways, here's Kai Dagonet from Danganronpa Wonderland, a fangan I found near the end of 2023, and one I've been binging like crazy lately. Sadly, I don't know if the creator of this fangan has a Tumblr account on here (nor the person who created Kai in the first place), but here's the story he's in.

Also, because I feel like this particular piece benefits from being background-less, there's a version of that below the cut!

#danganronpa wonderland #i might talk about the project in full length but that's dependent on how I feel at the end of the month #regardless this story really deserves to be checked out! the relationship writing is super super good #...something kai's socially-awkward ass ironically doesn't get to be a part of much. but hey them's the brakes 🤷 #btw the chapter I've been procrastinating on's the one called 'the 8th square on the board'. #i'll likely jump back into reading the story once this is posted but. i'm not looking forward to what happens in said chapter 😢 #also since i've been doing a decent amount of fangan art lately I should make a tag so: #fan of these ronpas

[straydogged]

ohhh did I have a dream about going on t last night???

#cries. I wish I had my own body so I could just fucking Transition without worrying about future host changes #because l WAS on T! I DID get top surgery! but then there was a host change to mostly feminine parts and they detransitioned #I'm not back to square one but in a lot of ways it feels like I am. #I wish I didn't have DID. I wish that the only person I had to consult about what I do with my body was me. #I want to give myself stick and pokes! I want to try shorter hairstyles! I want to make this body my own! #but I can't. and I'm trapped hosting in a body that makes me incredibly dysphoric but I can't be selfish and do anything about it

[masonscig]

can i ask why people in the fandom seem to really dislike mishka? (censoring her name and such) this is not meant in an offensive way to you or to anyone else, i’m just new here and kind of confused. like did she do something legitimately wrong or are people just irked by the writing of the new book? hope you have a great day <3

OH yeah sorry i can definitely see how that's confusing to new people LMAO

so, it's a bit of both imo – i've been here since 2020, shortly after book 2 dropped, so my perspective is a lot different than newer fans

so, one of the reasons i censor her name, is because tumblr changed the search functions – used to be, when you looked up something, it was only things that were in that exact word order in a tag – so if you spelled t/w/c wrong in some way, it'd only show up results that were misspelled, if that makes sense

but now, it's like if you look up any word, random posts that mention it anywhere in the post will show up too – and i would rather not open myself up to the m*shka bootlickers bc i just do not have time for that LMFAO

i rarely maintag things these days because i just don't want to be perceived by so much of this fandom, but that's just a me thing

also, in terms of what she did "wrong"... on top of problematic stuff in text, there's a few things i can think of off the top of my head:

encouraging white/washed art by reblogging on to her dev blog while knowingly having the official skintone palette locked behind a paywall (patreon)

when called out for the above, they did vet their pieces i guess – by only reblogging black and white pieces, and art of detectives. then they stopped reblogging art completely

posting a white hand for a morgan instagram edit – and taking hours to delete the harassment in the replies, some of which being actually racist comments with slurs pointed at black people

in a q&a video, referred to m as an "attack dog", which was super insensitive, considering the consistent comparison of m to an animal across all platforms (text, tumblr posts, patreon content)

her treatment of f over the years, both in text and outside of it. her asks were a huge reason that the fandom has an infantilized view of f and they don't even consider them to be a love interest (much less one that gets physically intimate). they see them as a child. this bullet point is a massive one that would take too long to explain. i could probably write an essay on how problematic it is to immediately "other" your singular black character by literally making them an otherworldly alien, but i do not have the time

how she writes nb/trans characters. from what my friends have said who code dive, they get the same dialogue and variants that women do. obviously if you don't code dive or play with nb characters you probably wouldn't notice, but there are a good chunk of people in the fandom who play with nb oc's so... this is something that should be better, but it's not

to add to the above, she said she was getting sensitivity readers but... did they do anything? look at book 3 and tell me if they actually did anything (i have a feeling maybe those sensitivity readers were white queer people)

overall, it's very hard to explain and condense the fuckery my mutuals and i have seen both m*shka do over the years, and what her fans have let slide/incidents they've coddled her up during.

sadly, she doesn't take hard stances on things. she just lets things happen and that just. doesn't bode well if your argument for all these mistakes is "ignorance". if she's getting 10k a month on patreon plus sales (not to mention the fact she's a grown ass woman), then... it's the bare minimum to ask for her to be mindful of her audience and to do better.

and also book 3 sucks xoxo

#the last line was a joke btw i just thought it'd be funny LMAO #TY FOR THE ASK I HOPE U HAVE A GREAT DAY TOO <3 #i know i have other asks to get to but i jumped at this one bc i should probably clarify this for anyone following me LMAO #but yeah all in all it feels like the fandom is back at square one bc of rampant whitewashing #no im not tagging this as fandom critical this is m*shka critical #also i'm not linking receipts or anything bc it's exhausting – ask anyone and they can tell u im not lying #IF THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE I MISSED SOUND OFF IN THE COMMENTS HATERS <3333333 #asks

[sureuncertainty]

okay yeah so this silence agenda edit is gonna be. more intensive than i thought. i genuinely don't know if the book is gonna be done this year. i want it to be good, I don't wanna rush it. so we're gonna see, but it looks like I might be pushing my publishing back to 2025 or later :/

#win rambles #i mean i really don't know... but i'm working on it right now and it's... a lot of new material #which is gonna take time and i'm gonna need to sit with it for awhile #i'm also gonna need to leave for a few months and come back to it at least once when i finish #and it ALWAYS takes longer than i expect bc i'm such a perfectionist #feels kinda like going back to square one in some ways which sucks #but i KNOW these changes are going to make it a better book and i want it to be the best it can be #if i published it as is it would not be the best it can be #it just... is a lot of work now to get it there... and i thought i was done with big edits #makes me feel like it's just never gonna be done.... #the silence agenda

[encrucijada]

'twas fun while it lasted 🫡 (officially giving up on camp nano lmao)

#i'm just.... feeling upset idk #i want to be writing something but everything just doesn't feel like it's working and the words aren't right #so trying makes me feel upset. even though i Really want to be writing #i would ve working on evergreen lung while i'll never fall asleep marinates with it's Worldbuilding #but evergreen lung is back in square one so i can't conceive working on it #i have dtst... but my heart just isn't on it #i don't even know what i Want to be working on. so i'm just floating face down in the rive #despite having as many “wips” as i do cousins #pia.txt

[whysamwhy123]

Since I'm back after a little unplanned hiatus, time to blab about another dumb idea I had for an AU that I'll never write! So! For some reason, a while back, I decided I really wanted to come up with a trashy reality show AU for Max Squared, where MJF decides to exploit Caster's immediate, intense love for him by starting up a little showmance. Max wants to manipulate the editing of the show as well as the game itself to make sure that he wins and/or becomes the breakout star of the season. So when Caster falls head over heels for him on Day One, he's presented with the perfect opportunity.

Initially, I was thinking the show would be a Survivor type deal, a bunch of people on a desert island or something, voting each other off, so Max's game is stringing Caster along so that he won't ever vote against him and he always has an ally help him vote out whoever he considers his biggest competition. But then I started to think it might be funnier if it was an American Idol style singing competition. It kinda fits, right? Both MJF and Caster are musically inclined, after all. And it changes the logic behind Max's plan - he wants to manipulate the editing of the show, make himself seem like a nice, endearing guy so the public will vote to keep him in the show, and ensure he gets a lot more screen time than the the other contestants. And what better way to do than pretending to be falling in love with this weirdo who's obsessed with you? A heart-warming queer romance on a show where only one of them can win? That's some good trash TV there, right?

MJF insists to Caster that it's all an act on his part. He's only pretending to be in love with him for the show, to tug on the heartstrings of all the stupid fans out there who think this shit is anything close to real. A ploy to make himself seem like the perfect charming, irresistible hero he needs to be in order to win this damn thing. And Caster's just like ''Whatever you say, sweetie,'' because he knows before Max does.

Maybe after a certain point, Max figures, hey, there's no harm in sleeping with the guy. It doesn't mean anything - Caster's so willing, so he may as well get laid. Of course, Caster thinks this is a sign that he really does have feelings for him, no matter how many times MJF tells him that it's not because he's actually attracted to him. No, it's just a ''power thing''.

He's only pretending, right? Caster's a fucking loser, a pawn in Max's grand master plan to emerge victorious. There's no way he could end up actually developing feelings for him over the course of the show, right? It's all for the show, it's fake, it's not real! There's simply no way he could...

Also, I'd want there to be a point where one night, Caster straight-up begs Max to let him eat his ass. And MJF's like ''Ugh, no way! That's disgusting! You're insane! You're a fucking weirdo! You're gross! You're...you'd do that for me?'' and of course, Caster tells him he'd do anything for him. And Max finds he can't resist anymore. So he lets Caster do it and he makes sure he doesn't regret it. Max's probably so loud during it that it pisses off the other contestants and the crew members who can hear it through the walls because Max simply cannot keep quiet like he usually can.

#What is wrong with you Sam you should not be allowed to write #Y'all were free from me subjecting you to my terrible ideas for a few days but I'm back bitches!! #And worse than ever! #This is definitely one of those ideas that it's a good thing I'll never write #Been rattling around in my head for a while but I won't ever make it happen and that's for the best #I don't think I have it in me to write something trashy enough for this idea #Because it would need to be trashy like a reality show but I'd probably hold back too much #But the goofiness of the situation would have been fun to play around with #I feel like there's a lot of comedic potential to this AU at least #Also whoops got very H-word at the end there my sincerest apologies #But in my defence...trashy reality show AU and it's Max Squared what did you expect? #Does anyone still care about Max Squared besides me? It feels like everyone else has migrated over to AdaMJF #Gone where I cannot follow #Jesus fucking Christ Sam why are you still making tags SHUT UP ALREADY! #This is what happens when I have to go three whole days without internet this bitch has lost their damn mind #OK I promise I'll shut up now sorry

[dykethang]

ok so i just actually can't take SSRIs even if i'm on lithium, this is good to know 👍 i'm going off the SSRI again because in the span of 2 days it's made me agitated and high energy which is a Warning. and i could just be having a weird day but i'm not risking it and my psych's advice anyway is if i get like this on an antidepressant to stop it immediately + start antipsychotics if needbe

#cat meows #man i cannot be like this i ACTUALLY don't want mania for once #cause i just feel wound up and agitated and i'm a horrible annoyance and blight and pest when manic #like just awful to be around and i exhaust everyone around me trying to keep up with whatever i'm on about #i'd rather be so depressed i want to [redacted] than so agitated i want to [redacted] #i'm also significantly more likely to harm myself if i'm manic and especially if it's a mixed episode brewing #so. just. no antidepressant back to square one maybe i'll try stick out bupropion again lol

[thethingything]

I would really love it if maybe we could have a break from the horrors for five fucking minutes

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #vent post #this year has been one fucking thing after another and I'm burnt out and exhausted #actually it's not even one after another. they keep piling up and overlapping #like hi would you like to spend the whole year having your abandonment issues triggered and made worse constantly #would you like to go through medical trauma that leaves you with issues that cause you severe pain on a daily basis #while also making it so you literally can't go to get any of it fixed #because seeing any of the tools that would have to be used is enough of a trigger to cause issues regardless of the context you see them in #would you like to take a medication for a month that makes you constantly terrified that something's trying to kill you #and then when you stop taking it that goes away so you think it's gonna be fine but a month later you still have other side effects #and you're trying to navigate all these new symptoms and triggers while more and more stuff just piles up #so then every time it feels like you've made progress something else fucks you up and it feels like you're back to square one #and it's starting to feel like maybe you're the problem because why else would everything keep going this badly #even though so much of it is completely out of anyone's control and you're trying so hard to cope with it and get better #I'm so fucking exhausted and it feels like every attempt to fix any part of our situation goes to shit in some new unforeseen way #and every time I vent about any of it I feel like a burden for making anyone else deal with our problems even if they've said it's fine

[sanzuwuya]

kinda second-guessing myself again about having a consistent style

i like having range; i like experimenting and being versatile. why do i have to confine myself to just one particular look or type of art?

#i want to do it all !!!! #yea kinda feels like i'm back to square one with my portfolio lately after i've been applying to concept art roles or adjacent jobs #feels like my 2 years of studio experience mean nothing sometimes #asterisms.txt

[jerirose]

Me a few days ago: omg I think the steroids are working! I don't feel like a Zombie anymore, maybe I'm making progress!

My body: BJASBFHASFJKASBH LOLLL BITCH YOU THOUGHT

#👽 stop speaking nonsense #i feel like i'm back at square one *sigh*

[pagetbewbster]

so I mud wrestle once a month as HELLvira but my costume is just a cosplay of Elvira's signature look. our Halloween show was yesterday and I have never been hit on by as many men and women in one night, she truly is THE bi icon

#my tally is 6 women 8 men #I'm in a LT relationship so I stop it right away but wow was I flattered #and one of my fellow wrestlers came into the green room at one point and was like #'everyone here wants to sleep with Hellvira. the bar staff. the waitresses. the audience. the band. everyone. I need that energy' #and I was like dude just dress up as Elvira apparently because that is the only thing that has ever elicited a response like this #not even when I was actively trying to sleep with any stranger I could did I get this response #which is good because things would probably have been Bad if I did #they were already not great back then but god I am glad I didn't have THIS much power #or questionable attention #about me #I think it's the neighborhood too. it was in Logan Square #and LS is known as the neighborhood in Chicago where there is a 'horny farmer's market' that people use to meet hookups #so like... I feel it's correlated