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lickstynine · 6 years

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Bad Gays (Part 3)

the next part of my collab with @sugar-me-sick, feat. Young Leon and Even Younger Kazu. part 1 part 2

If you ever told Leon or Kazu that they'd end up in a legitimate relationship with anyone that lasted more than a night, they would have called you a liar. If you'd ever guessed that it'd be the both of them together, they still wouldn't have been able to picture it. Yet here they were, 3 months after meeting each other at the bar, and 2 months into their relationship. It was strange for either of them to try and go steady with someone else, but it was clear that most of the stress was on Kazu's end.

"C'mere for a sec," Leon gestured Kazu closer, straightening out the nice suit jacket he'd purchased for him, trying to offer a smile against the tense, deadpan look on Kazu's face. Even Leon looked strangely formal, his shaggy brown hair combed back and going as far to make sure the tattoo near his neck was properly covered.

“This shit’s weird. Don’t feel like it fits right…” Kazu mumbled. The truth was, he didn’t know what well-fitting clothes felt like. Everything he wore used to come from a thrift shop, so it was either way too baggy or several inches too short. It was bizarre to have clothing that hugged his body because it was made to. He shivered as a gust of wind trickled between his collar and his freshly-combed hair.

Though it was really just a necktie, Kazu felt like he was wearing a dog collar. Some pretty, shiny, thing tied onto him to mark him as a possession and keep him from running off. He hated it, but he felt too nervous to say anything. He didn’t want to fuck up the first fancy date he’d ever been on - hell, the first fancy dinner he’d ever had. Even though he felt awkward and miserable, he looked up at Leon with wide, nervous eyes.

“Do… do I look okay?”

Leon finished fixing his tie, stepping back for a second and looking Kazu up and down. Other people were walking past, already heading inside the expensive restaurant Leon told Kazu about. Leon tried to stand between him and the crowd, hoping to take his focus off other people looking at him.

“You look great,” he said, his smile wide and charming. “I know this formal shit isn’t your thing, but you look... handsome.”

Kazu blinked, clearly taken aback. An awkward smile cracked his somber facade, and his cheeks burned red. “H… handsome? Nah… no way… I ain’t… I ain’t handsome.” He stared down at his shiny new dress shoes, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. Even with Leon stroking his ego, he felt terribly out of place here. He was too young, too trashy, too poor to be in a nice place like this. It felt like the second he went into the restaurant, everyone would instantly peg him as an outsider. He shifted uncomfortably where he stood, nervousness gnawing at his stomach. “We… we’re really doin’ this, huh?” Leon nodded, trying to keep Kazu’s attention on him and not his surroundings. “You’ll like it here. The food’s amazing. I can order us some drinks if things get to be too much.” He shrugged a little, hoping to cheer him up some.

“Drinks?” Kazu certainly perked up at that. He could really use some liquid courage right now, as all of his usual ballsiness had disappeared the second they pulled up in such a nice part of town. He latched onto Leon’s arm, not really ready to go inside, but knowing they couldn’t just linger out there all night.

“It’ll be fine,” Leon reassured, holding himself rather close. He waited for the small group of people to disperse and walk inside, turning to kiss Kazu on the cheek before walking up to the door.

“It’s a reservation for two under Clausen,” Leon said to the waiter up front, waiting for him to check the list before he waved them toward the next section over. They were thankfully placed at a table near the wall, but as expected, they were still surrounded at all sides by other people, already seated at their tables.

Kazu glanced nervously around the restaurant as they walked, and once seated, he pressed as close to the wall as physically possible. There were people seated behind his back, which made him terribly anxious. Even if they were unassuming old people, the idea of people being near him but not where he could see was unnerving. He picked up the menu, but the fancy font and most of the wording was completely beyond him. After a minute or two of fruitless squinting, he set it down, opting to just fiddle with his knife instead. It made him feel slightly safer to at least have some sort of weapon in hand.

Leon could tell how Kazu was feeling right away. He knew he was uncomfortable,and that the menu was even overwhelming to look at. But he also knew what he was doing to keep his hands occupied.

“Kaz,” Leon spoke up, looking alert and glancing down at where Kazu kept his hands at his lap. “What are you doing?”

The younger boy flinched, giving Leon a deer-in-headlights look as if his date was a cop and his knife was a whole kilo of cocaine. “What? Nothin’. I ain’t doin’ nothin’. I’m fine.” Kazu attempted to close and hide the knife so simultaneously he nearly stabbed himself, but he managed to awkwardly cram it back in his jacket without tearing his clothing or drawing blood.

Leon sighed, looking around at the other tables. “That's the last thing these people need to see… I know you're fidgety, but you can't just bring a knife out like that. What if the waiter walks by and sees it?”

“I don’t know!” Kazu cried, his voice cracking as he struggled to keep it quiet. “I dunno what the fuck to do in a place like this. Ain’t like I can smoke to calm down, an’ there ain’t shit for me to do. I can’t even read the damn menu!” He sounded more upset than frustrated, embarrassed that he was too trashy to function in a decently formal setting.

“Kazu,” Leon reached over and took Kazus hands, feeling how much the boy was shaking from nervousness. “Look, you're doin fine, you just can't do shit like that in here. We'll even step out for a smoke in a bit, but you gotta at least try first, okay?” He looked Kazu in the eye, hoping to God they weren't making a scene. “...I'll help with the menu. Alright?”

The younger boy nodded shamefully, handing his menu to Leon and wrapping his arms around himself. “What… what should I get?”

“Anything you want,” he said, trying to lift his spirits. “You like steak, yeah? Oh, there's the drink menu, too.”

Kazu nodded a little more cheerfully. “Steak’s good…” he mumbled. “What kinda drinks they got?” The way his nerves were tearing apart his insides, he would’ve killed for a drink right then.

“Wine by the bottle, mostly… but they've got some cocktails. Whiskey on the rocks… I could handle one of those right now.”

“Yea, whatever’s strongest. I need booze so fuckin’ bad, man…” Kazu shifted in his seat, twisting his hair around his fingers.

“Language,” he reminded him, motioning to the older couples behind the both of them. Thankfully, their waiter was coming over to them, and Leon placed their orders, requesting the strongest drinks the place offered.

Kazu flinched when Leon criticized him, staring timidly at the tablecloth the whole time the waiter was there. He was getting antsier the longer they sat there, and by the time the waiter had walked off, he was straight-up bouncing in his chair. Leon was thankful that their drinks came along with the appetizers, the both of them taking to the alcohol before food.

Leon sipped at his drink, trying to show some restraint. Had it been anywhere else, he'd have downed the whole drink at once, but again, he had to keep himself looking presentable. Kazu was struggling to seem that calm, but his hand was shaking so badly, the liquor nearly sloshed out of his glass, and he caved, gulping down the entire thing at once. He set the glass down with a quivery sigh, not feeling much better. Though he wasn’t hungry, Kazu reached for an appetizer, just wanting something to do with his hands.

Leon could tell just how much he was struggling, and it was honestly catching him off guard with just how nervous Kazu was. His tough guy demeanor was gone. Dead and gone. He looked like he could bolt out of the building at any moment.

Leon shared the appetizer with him, wordlessly waving down the waiter to top off Kazu’s drink, offering his hand to Kazu when no one was looking, rubbing his thumb over the back of his hand. The younger boy latched onto Leon like a barnacle, his hand shaking and clammy in Leon’s warm grasp. Forget finishing dinner, at that point, it looked like Kazu might have a heart attack before they even saw a salad.

“Talk to me,” Leon said, offering a smile. “It might keep your mind off things if you do. You don’t gotta be so nervous. No one in here’s out to get you, I promise.”

“What… what do I talk about?” Kazu asked. Small talk wasn’t something he was used to, and he didn’t know if he had any conversational topics appropriate to discuss in public.

“I dunno… what do couples talk about?” Leon asked, pretty much just as clueless about this, at least on a relationship’s standpoint. “You just look uneasy… your face is all red.”

Kazu hung his head shamefully. “Sorry, I ain’t… I ain’t good at fancy shit. I’m just… I’m scared I’m gonna embarrass ya, or get us kicked out, or some other dumb shit.”

“Yeah, this kinda place… it’s not comfortable. Maybe I should’ve picked somewhere different. Ease you into this kinda shit, you know?” Leon sighed, squeezing Kazu’s hand. “You’re doing fine, though. Just keep calm. You can distract yourself with the food. We’ll eat and get outta here, alright? And we’ll get way more comfortable at home…”

Kazu nodded, taking a deep breath, though it nearly caught in his chest. He sighed in relief when the waiter returned with more booze, and he drained his glass the second it was filled. Leon looked relieved, too. It was clear that the both of them didn’t mind indulging a bit if it meant calming their nerves, but even after their order was brought out, the drinks kept coming. To be fair, these fancy places never filled the glass enough anyway, but that meant they kept going and going. Kazu was talking, thank goodness, and they actually seemed to be getting on fine. Leon looked alright, maybe just a little tipsy, if at all. But Kazu was looking out of it, red in the face. Leon couldn’t tell if it was the anxiety or the booze.

“...You’re sweatin’.” Leon mentioned, more concerned than before at how hot in the face Kazu was getting.

The younger boy fumbled for his napkin, swiping it across his brow. “S… sorry. ‘S fuckin’... hot as shit in here…” Kazu complained. He wasn’t wrong - due to the chill outside, the restaurant had cranked the heater, and it was far too toasty for a suit to be comfortable.

“Yeah, it is… Should I complain? I can wave someone down…”

Kazu tensed up. “N-nah. No. I don’t wanna… don’t wanna make a scene.” He muttered. “I think… I think I just need some air. I’mma step outside, maybe have a smoke. Aight?”

“I can come with you,” he said, frowning as Kazu was already getting up and on his way out. “Here, lemme… lemme get this paid for real quick.”

The younger boy couldn’t be bothered to wait, shoving his way past the line of people at the door to get outside. He took a ragged breath, the cold air simultaneously painful and refreshing. His head was swimming, and he couldn’t tell if it was the nerves or the liquor. Leaning against the outside of the building, Kazu fumbled in his jacket pocket in search of cigarettes and a lighter. It didn’t take him long to find them, but his hands were almost too shaky to make it work. He had just barely managed to get his cigarette lit when Leon stepped outside.

Leon turned the corner, catching Kazu a good distance from the front door, out of the way of the other customers. “Kaz?” Leon walked up, hands in his pockets awkwardly. “It’s that bad?” He asked, worriedly nodding towards Kazu’s shaking hands.

All Kazu could manage was a nod. It was taking all his focus just to keep from dropping his cigarette. He took a long draw, but the familiar bitter taste was more nauseating than comforting. His face had gone from unnaturally flushed to sickly pale.

“...Kazu. Maybe give that a break.” Leon suddenly looked more alert, voicing his concern before prying the cigarette out of his shaking hand, lest he drop it in the bushes they were standing by. “You don’t look good, babe…”

“Don’t feel good…” Kazu mumbled, resting his head on Leon’s shoulder now that the older boy was close to him. His bangs were sticking to his forehead from sweat, and his shirt was drenched around the collar.

Leon put an arm around him, petting over his back before trying to help Kazu get his suit jacket off. “You need to cool down,” he mumbled, seeing how sweaty he was on the white collared shirt he was wearing.

Kazu nodded, swaying perilously as he pulled away from the wall to shed his jacket. His breathing was shaky and uneven, and even though he’d been uncomfortably warm before, he started shivering as soon as the jacket was off.

“Fuck, you really don’t look okay,” Leon huffed, folding the jacket over his arm and starting to lead Kazu towards the parking lot. “Come on, we’re getting you home. You need to lay down, like right now.”

“Slow… slow down.” Kazu whined, despite Leon’s already sluggish pace. He was only staying upright by latching onto Leon’s arm, and his breathing was getting even choppier. His gaze was unfocused, and he looked genuinely frightened and upset. Leon tried to keep steady, but he hassled breathing and swaying had him worried. Making it to the parking lot was a chore in on its own, and once they were at the car, he leaned him against the side, fumbling for his keys.

“Kaz. Kazu, babe, hey,” he reached up, patting his face, trying to give him some support. “You look like you’re gonna pass out. Breathe, alright? We’re out of there, we’re goin’ home.”

“‘M sorry. Sorry. I fucked up. I fucked it up… please don’t be mad…” Kazu was well beyond calming down, barely fighting back tears as he wrapped his arms around himself. He bit at his lip, swallowing uncomfortably as stress caused his stomach to turn.

“You didn’t, I promise… it’s not your fault, you’re just overwhelmed.” Leon squeezed at Kazu’s arms, trying to hush him. “Come on, sit. Sit down, I got you,” he said gently, helping Kazu down to sit on the pavement.

The younger boy dropped roughly to the ground, his legs giving out as soon as he tried to sit. He curled in on himself, trying and failing to take a deep breath. It caught in the back of his throat, and he gagged, clamping a hand over his mouth instinctively.

Leon winced hard, Kazu’s shallow breathing had him with his hand on his phone, ready to call for help if he needed it. “Breathe… slowly,” he guided, trying to ease him, but there was only so much he could do. This was a full blown panic attack, and Kazu was long gone already.

Kazu retched again, this time bringing up a small wave of liquor that splattered onto the pavement. He couldn’t even catch a breath before another heave tore through him, this time bringing up the rest of the booze and what little he’d managed to eat. Even though he was basically empty, his body didn’t seem to care, gagging fruitlessly over the meager puddle of puke between his shoes.

All Leon could do was try and ease the pain, rubbing over his back and between his shoulders, patting him there when he coughed and gagged hard enough to make his muscles tense. “Get it all out... “ He carefully reached up to pull his hair back and out of his face, feeling just how feverish Kazu felt.

When his stomach finally settled, Kazu slumped against Leon, groaning weakly. “Can… can we go home now?” He asked, his voice scratchy from throwing up.

“Yeah, ‘course… you’re layin’ down when we get back, you need to rest.” With a heavy sigh, Leon helped Kazu up to his feet, guiding him to step around the mess and to the passenger’s side. Once he was settled in, he leaned over, pressing a slight kiss to the top of his head before shutting the door, throwing the expensive suit jacket into the back seat and heading out to take him home.

Kazu curled up on the drive home, pulling his knees up to his chest. He was still a bit shivery, and one of his hands reached out to latch onto Leon. He glanced over, taking Kazu’s hand in his and squeezing it tightly, holding onto him the rest of the drive home. “You’re gonna be alright. I got you.”

“‘M fuckin’... ‘m sorry I ruined our date. I ain’t… I ain’t good at ‘is fancy shit, but ‘m really tryin…”

“I know you’re tryin’. It wasn’t fair for me to drag you out on somethin’ like this.” Leon shrugged. “Really, it’s alright… you didn’t ruin nothin’. It was still nice, you know… takin’ someone out with me.”

“Really?” Kazu seemed surprised, but slightly relieved.

“Definitely.” He offered Kazu a smile, easing the car to a stop when they got to a red light, being very careful not to make him move too much. “Hey, Kaz?”

“...yea?”

“Love you.”

Kazu’s cheeks went bright red, and he had to look away before he could muster, “Y… you, too.”

#collab #sugar-me-sick #emeto #emetophilia #sickfic #whump #illness #anxiety #leon #kazu #kazuhiro #yokota

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mateotorrezjr · 5 years

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again, but better → christine riccio

special shoutout to st. martin’s press via netgalley for providing me with a copy of the book to review, all thoughts expressed in the following discussion are my own.

if i were a person that used half stars, i find that this is a book that would a perfect time to utilize them. as it stands, i don’t, and while from a purely objective standpoint this is a solid three star book, i don’t rate books objectively. i rate them from a purely subjective standpoint based solely on my enjoyment, and so i had to settle on a solid two stars.

before i descend into a ramble i want to acknowledge that i don’t think it’s inherently wrong for an author to draw on their own personal lives for a character, in my opinion while this is a novel it does teeter on the edge of semi autobiographical. i don’t even think that it’s wrong for a book to serve as wish fulfillment for an author or for a protagonist to be any kind of analog for an author. it gets into a weird territory when you can start to draw those connections perhaps, but to judge the whole of the book in that way i do believe to be a mistake. my relationship to the author, as tangential as it is as i haven’t watched her youtube content regularly in a few years, is not universal and there are plenty of readers that won’t come to this story with the same baggage that i did. if there was anything about the self-insert, semi autobiographical nature of the book it was the use of references. for a bulk of the novel the references seemed to be used entirely to make the reader that the book was taking place in 2011, it felt more like a crutch and one that riccio refused to abandon as the book went on. judging by how lackluster the bulk of the descriptions we did get i can understand why the references were used as a crutch. i’m not sure that at this point the “world building” could have been strong enough without that reliance. if the second half of the novel is anything to go by, even when presented a second chance to fix some of the lackluster descriptions the opportunity wasn’t seized.

part of the reason i felt like i needed to keep this in two star territory and not simply round up to a three were the characters. not so much individual arcs, but i found that our supporting players were never quite utilized an any kind of meaningful way? they existed seemingly as afterthoughts, which is kind of insulting as they do serve as some of the books only “diversity”. first we have shane’s roommates during her semester abroad in london; sahra and babe. babe is described as “dark skinned and curvy”, i’ve seen at least one person label babe as a black woman, and if further description of babe is provided in the book i can’t recall anything other than a mention of her hair being thick and curly. i feel like descriptions like this don’t do any service in terms of representation as “dark skinned” can refer to a multitude of ethnicities and racial identities. sahra is described as tan, and that’s about it. her name coupled with the fact that her family went on a trip to lebanon at some point in the past i assume that she’s middle eastern, but it’s never confirmed and furthermore neither of these characters are all that instrumental in shane’s life. there’s a throw away line about babe becoming her best friend, but all of those sort of references are made off the page and we rarely get to see those moments. they do get to share pleasant moments of general getting along, but nothing that would make me believe they were anything ever than simply pleasant with one another. what bothered me most about these two characters specifically if they were meant to be woc, is that both of them have moments where they are seemingly antagonistic toward shane for seemingly no reason, both times for pure shock value.

the novel also includes atticus, a gay asian [ nothing more specific is ever given to my recollection. so whether he is japanese or mongolian or vietnamese is a complete mystery to me ] and he is only ever included in minor moments of even far less significance than the ladies. presumably because the novel isn’t from pilot’s, atticus’ roommate and the love interest of the story, perspective. there is a second gay character, but he is by far and away the least important character in the story and his coming out is shoehorned in at the very end of the book in a way that feels more like a deleted scene that forgot to be removed. there is a black woman at shane’s internship, but her not getting an arc wasn’t an important to me given that she wasn’t really an important character to the story in the same way that babe and sahra could have been.

now i want to discuss the plot twist of the book that happens just before 50 percent of the way through the book, without getting too spoilery. simply put i don’t think that it was at all necessary. if anything i think that the later half, particularly the parts written between 65 – 80ish percent of the way through the book were by far and away the weakest of the novel. not only because we were retreading ground that we had already traveled, but really at no point did it feel as though any of our characters had grown.

in the interest of fairness some of the character have an excuse for the staticness of their arcs, this was a novel that was really never interested in making those characters three dimensional and was really only interested in one of the two leads. that said even they didn’t seem to have grown in a way that i think would have made sense given the circumstances. when you take into consideration shane’s goals the fact that she remains so static becomes even more painfully obvious.

shane as a character herself was also really painful to read at times during this novel. part of me feels that if you don’t fine shane interesting and compelling by the time you get to the plot twist the second half of the book doesn’t really offer you anything you can’t assume will happen, there’s very little reward for sticking through it once you’ve reached that point. that aside, shane for so much of the novel seemed to be pushing the blame for certain actions off of herself and onto the shoulders of various other characters. particularly in the first half of the novel. there’s an instance where she meticulously planned and coordinated a lie and then when confronted tried to play it off like it was an accident or she hadn’t meant to do it. i don’t think that the story really ever dealt with that situation, or even what would have been the fallout following the plot twist?

another thing i think the book failed to do was describe anything well. it never crossed into white room syndrome, i did typically have a general understanding of the layout and some of the key furniture or flooring, but there was general lack of depth. the book is set in london, but there are moments that take place in rome, paris, edinburgh, and new york city. all of these cities have distinct flavor and vibe to them, that riccio utterly failed to capture. i’m not even sure that it was a goal of the writing, and i do feel like it hurt. the setting all sort of blurred together. in terms of settings i think riccio relied on landmarks to really do the heavy lifting without thinking through how these setting could play into the story she wanted to tell in a way that was important to the narrative.

at times i found the dialogue to be clunky. mostly that a lot of it seemed to be 1) a reference to something or 2) something that could have been in any straight to dvd teen rom com situation. some of the clunkier moments were when riccio was trying to subvert a popular ya cliche. the first being a riff on the “i let out a breath i didn’t know i was holding,” line that was honestly just whatever, nothing to offense. what really made me decide that it was clunky was a line later that’s an extended scene and conversation about that big romcom moment in entertainment where two love interests have a conversation that builds to a sort of iconic tattoo worthy word like “always” or the “okay, okay” moment from tfios that ends in the most ridiculous way. to be fair, it wasn’t the worst thing i’d ever read, in the grand scheme of things for some people that moment will work. it didn’t click for me, and it’s one of the easier moments to point to and not the countless conversations that obviously occur over the course of a novel that didn’t click. y’know?

riccio also made the decision to include postcards written to shane’s parents and her journal entries, and while i do think that at times they help to make shane a more well rounded character, at least more in comparison to the characters. but i found that these journal entries were another crutch to breeze through aspects of the story that honestly should have been far more fleshed out. i feel like this approach was taken to better facilitate this plot twist that i don’t think was entirely necessary. a book can only be so long, and the way that this narrative was chosen to be told, you have to make concessions and unfortunately i’m firmly in the camp that this same story could have been told without it and that the story could have even been better without it.

how many times can i sneak that sentiment into this discussion?

it’s hard to talk about the cheating that takes place in this book without going into spoilers, but i’ll do my best to. the cheating aspect was one of the many things that halted me from becoming fully invested in this romance. i was also partially not into it because for at least the first half of the novel i think that it was really easy for a reader to see as very one sided. i don’t know if that’s me being a dumb bitch, or me being stuck in shane’s head where her running commentary and anxieties. after the first 25% i was really convinced that this mutual attraction thing wasn’t all that mutual. even when i was back on board i thought that it was very strange that shane would continue to pursue a relationship with someone that was already in another relationship, and at one point in the novel she laments about how upset she was that the dude didn’t cheat on his girlfriend with her? it’s something that’s completely and totally irrational. i think that the narrative casually ignores the fact that after the plot twist shane is technically not in a position to be pursuing a relationship. ignoring isn’t the right word, it’s acknowledged, but still tossed aside in favor of resting on the fact that because of the plot twist it changes things. it’s a very nuanced situation, and one that i don’t think that this book was honestly not prepared or wanting to handle. it’s serious ethical conversation that most ya contemporary novels aren’t trying to tackle. it’s okay. just don’t introduce them. pilot’s girlfriend is also firmly in stock character, total plot device status. we literally get to know nothing about her. also just not a fan of this idea that after three months you should be completely in love with someone or the relationship is a failure, like, i feel like that’s not the message. i also feel like the book send a weird message about pursuing people already in a relationship, that if you have a crush on someone that is with someone it can work out for you and you can get a happily ever after with them. it’s very complicated like i said, and honestly not the type of conversation this book is capable of handling.

i had a lot of issues with this book, if you are interested in my live reactions and thoughts about things i did livetweet it, so you can check that out here. i tried to keep this review centered on the larger issues that i had with the narrative. i’m almost positive thought that few of the pettier critiques i had slipped in, and i wouldn’t be surprised if i was more than a little repetitive.

all of that said though, i objectively don’t see this book as terrible. if nothing else i was compelled to finish the book, it was really easy to read and so it never felt like a chore to continue despite the fact that shane was constantly annoying me and the narrative was constantly failing to utilize it’s whole cast of characters. as i’ve stated there’s nothing inherently bad about this story. despite the fact that i’ve given it such a low rating, i do think that there are people that won’t have the same issues that i did. i don’t think that this book is for everyone, that said i think that it’s also really easy to tell if it’s not for you and even if it’s not if you do manage to get to the end i don’t think that it feels like a waste of time. as aggravated as i became that the narrative wasn’t living up to the full potential, i can’t deny that some small part of me was at least pleasantly entertained by the mess that i was watching unfold. it’s a book that while can’t support the conversations that it sparks, it does spark discussion and i think that’s certainly better than a book that exists simply as matter in the universe.

#again but better #book review

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