#i feel like i've given up already

[ayazumi]

.

#oh boy oh boy first ever rant tags can i even say i've been on tumblr without doing this once #but man i feel. so fucking tired. i got no energy for anything #my therapist is trying to help me channel all my frustrations into motivational anger but #i feel like i've given up already #like my dreams of just: getting into college; leave this shitty as country; maybe try romance again #they all feel so impossible so why even put the effort #i hate my art again #i feel more isolated than ever #i hate the way i look more and more every fucking day #i've lost weight to the point that i think i am properly severly underweight #i have made zero efforts into trying to get a job #i dont draw anymore #well i do but #i force myself #i disassociate completely when i do and i dont even feel like im drawing #im dissasociating in general #i cant sleep #i've started having nightmares again and seeing those fucking faces when i try to fall asleep #i feel like a husk #like im an annoyance to everyone around me #i still act chipper and positive but afterwards when im alone it feels like taking a mask off #it just #nothing #idk what the fuck to do #literally only thing keeping me from doing something stupid like self harm or worse is my cats #i wanna tear out my hair ngl

[skinnypaleangryperson]

There's something so incredibly confusing and dysfunctional about knowing for a fact that I'm more intellectually and creatively compact and detailed than the vast majority of people in that I can't stand talking to most people these days because of how superficial and vapid they seem to be both in creation and in thought, but I'm about to permanently delete all of my work with the pinnacle of my passion and complexity and creativity because no one has ever been able to create to it. I genuinely can't tell this point if I'm just utterly delusional and insane with how I see myself and others or if it's a lack of connections or communication thing but I am completely done for on a mental health level either way

#is this weird feeling between a deranged a narcissism and constantly feeling like I'm an utter morbid delusional failure which a lot of #people have said I am #I've certainly already given up on relationships of family or friendship so I guess creativity is the next to go #humanity will never exist in my life

[thatswhatsushesaid]

didn't anyone ever tell u it's rude to interrupt, da-ge

#jesus christ like #okay i don't want to say that my feelings on nmj are souring again exactly because it's not quite like that #i DO think my patience is thin atm just because of some meta i've read that i just strongly disagree with #but come on!!! #there are some things in the text or the show which are deliberately left ambiguous #and up for interpretation #nmj's tears and facial expressions for instance are the subject of much discourse and debate in some servers i'm in lmao #but this moment #and the moment atop the stairs in the novel #where jgy is not even given a chance to speak before nmj decides he already knows what jgy is going to say #(aka he is going to lie) #this isn't headcanon. this is just. the way nmj is #he does not believe meng yao is going to be honest with him #and he does not believe that meng yao was honest with him in the past #and it does not matter what meng yao does going forward because nmj has made up his mind #he did crimes??? good for him 😌 #nie meangjue 🤯 #(not dropping these in the main tags today) #tl;dr this is fundamentally why n!eyao will never work for me #salty peak sect 🧂

[dreambones]

I woke up motivated and hyped and now I am depressed, either I got a very long bad luck streak or there's something wrong with my work, it can't be statistically possible for me to fail time after time after time.

I was trying to find some trending audio on Instagram to test if that helps and I'm finding kids half my age who draw literal stick figures but have 8k followers.

I should work but I just want to lay down, something has to work at some point but it really doesn't.

There's no way the algorithm hates me this much in every single website I've tried and have constantly uploaded content for the past 16 years. Starting to believe I'm just that bad and my work is simply unappealing and that just keeps growing.

#tw: vent #its really not getting better #and please dont say “just do draw because you like it and don't worry about engagement” #this is my job #drawing and creating is what helps me wake up in the morning #I would have given up already if it wasnt #I really cant hit the target not even once #thank you for the 5 people that like my work #I wish I knew what Im doing wrong so I could try fix it #I feel I've tried everything through the years and nothing has worked #new accounts with 10k and I cant even make it to 1k after all this time in any social media I have

[bigboobshaunt]

One of the laziest, yet super common things you can do as a video game critic is to describe a game coming out only in terms of what two other games it feels like a mixture of. If I, the person reading your review, am not familiar with either game and you've not managed to accurately describe it at length without further comparison, you've already lost one reader.

I'm sure it feels like you're writing mostly to an audience that already buys most notable new releases, but I assure you this is not the reality for most people right now, especially as games continue to get more and more expensive.

#video games #I have a weird feeling that the space of reviews rn is a lot like #reviewing things either for people who are going to make fast content of these new games (streams. lore videos) and then drop them #once something new comes out OR other reviewers who are going to play most of these in any given year #at least it's how it feels like to me #the other coin of this so to speak is when publications give the games' review to someone with an already incredibly obvious bias towards i #and they end up overselling it bc they're unable to articulate it in a meaningful way that's not 'I like it because I've always liked it'

[seariii]

I was stressed but now i'm more chill and really sleepy...

#overall my mood has been better but i am so incredibly terrified of the future... its like.... #like i feel as if someone has holding me at gun point and got told thst if i did any mistakes they would shoot #but then im not given clear instructions on what i need to do and i have to figure it out myself #i am really scared... even tho all of this gave me a new objective... i dont wanna be obsolete... #... so... that what we will work on... also... i wanna work towards my dreams... #I've been putting it off for so long i want to do it #people support me and actually enjoy my voice... i want to... #the things on my plate right now are things i can achieve... but i want more... i want things i actually want... #i want... #my house has a constant buzzing sound. i believe its because of the small power plant behind the lot. which makes it difficult for recording #since i have to get rid of that and that messes with the rest of the audio #its comforting to know it wasnt the mic tho... heh... #tomorrow lets try to take the first few steps... well more like lets try to continue with the set up #we have already a couple stuff but we still have a lot missing... #... today the girls said some stuff that impressed me... thats how im perceived?... is that what people think of me? #i kinda want to... fulfill those 'expectations'... they dont expect anything but its more of a me thing... ive been dreaming and hoping for #so long but i dont take the next step. i never do... and its because of the executive dysfunction... but... once i get the hang of it... #once i do... everything will be excellent... and we will take it easy #i am so tired already... i feel im gonan falla sleep #seari talks

[dbphantom]

Listen if you're gonna send me an ask about why I shouldn't interact with a person, can you at least do it off anon so I can request actual proof privately? I'm not replying to these since the only way to respond to them is publicly and I don't want to contribute to an unsubstantiated rumor about someone. That's not fair.

#Also I checked and I don't even follow them! So don't worry about me not interacting I've been doing a bang up job already #Maybe I did in the past because there were only like 4 of us in the Tr/ig/un tags at any given time #But I don't now so I have no clue how or why you dmed me about this random person I don't even follow #The only mention of them I can find on my blog via search (granted it's a gamble cuz search sucks but) is a tag on a gifset from 2014 #I mean if you're browsing posts from 2014 on my blog all the more power to you I had good taste #But also I don't really know this person. I vaguely recognize the username but again. Only 4 of us at any given time for years #It just feels Weird. #If ur going thru the trouble of sending asks abt this person then put your own reputation on the line since you're trying to tank theirs #Like if you believe these accusations enough that ur willing to send asks to randos then u should be comfy putting your name behind them #I'm giving u the benefit of the doubt here anon #I want to believe ur heart is in the right place and u think ur helping #But being on anon with 0 proof is not helping your case at all #Cruddy rambles #Ask

[sketchtxt]

guys help me I actually give a shit about my Hallucigenia AU again. the only issue is that THE DESIGNS SUCK AND I HAVE TO FIX THEM

#🪶 book & quill #eclipse actually looks okay #his design is cool enough and i feel as though at the start (yes I've given it lore this time) he would probably be hesitant to wear clothes #like. ruin probably dresses up often #he seems like the guy to do that #but eclipse is Struggling to be a normal functioning member of soceity #he gets there eventually #he gets to wear big ass coats n stuff in public #i can't wait to give them matching casual wear i am Insane #i haven't even designed all the characters in my Whats Not Yours AU yet but shhh i want to do this #whats not yours will be my huge angsty project and hallucigenia will be my little fun thing to think about in my free time #i also have been thinking a little bit about Hidden Helpers but i dont know how to salvage. it #ive been thinking of making an ask blog for a couple of my space au guys but honestly it's not a good idea since im supposed to take a break #i dont think i should run a bunch of blogs honestly. two looks like its already too much for me #but one can dream

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by

#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about #but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were #and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat #as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like #a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain #it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot #i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds #i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh #political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore #they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get #but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk #i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers #here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now #it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths #i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how #burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that #i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up #could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan? #to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me #coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage #you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao #i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now #bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will #i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail #also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e #no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it #i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course #idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do #anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand #shai speaks

[moonlightfilly]

i've been totally consumed reading Kaleidoscope of Death it's too much fun i love gay horror

#i was watching the drama but i've given it up the book is just worlds better they changed too much in the drama.... #even their dynamic feels softer?? WHY. and they just didn't have freedom or budget to serve horror.... it's massively turned down... cheap. #enjoying the horror and the crossdressing bfs in the book so much mwah #Nanzhu gutting the witch without warning and ending up covered in blood. everyone runs away but Qiushi just wipes the blood off his face <3 #every time they're both just like 'we are normal people' *reacts in a way that is Not Normal* i love them sm #normal ppl: IS THAT BLOOD??? DID SOMEONE DIE? WAHHH I'M SCARED. meanwhile Q: ........ did you just accidentally kill our clue? N: .....oops #anyways horror is easy for qiushi. admitting he loves nanzhu is hard kjdfg but we're getting there i mean they're basically already dating #Evie reads #Evie reads Kaleidoscope of Death #tumblring by moonlight

[crest-of-gautier]

i am pleased to say that i have gotten to evp 999 on gone fission hydroplant for the first time! it took a lot of grinding and reflecting to get here, but it was such a fun rotation ✨

some thoughts under the cut....!

i think the best part of this grind was that i could start at EVP 300 rather than EVP 40. i say that, but i still spent a good 124 jobs getting there... whoops!

this wouldn't have been possible without getting the bronze and silver badges first, which i wrote about here! i still stand by what i said in this post about key traits in salmon run players.

i feel that the key to my success can be boiled down to being able to rotate around the map and not overlap with what my teammates are doing- leaning into weapon strengths, all while flexing to other things when things go unaddressed.

for anyone curious about how the journey went, i streamed some of it on twitch!

EVP 575 -> 695 (Day 1) | 1 hour and 56 minutes

EVP 695 -> 865 (Day 2) | 8 hours and 11 minutes

while i did peak at EVP 935 on that second stream- as you can see, i quickly fell off of it (and i think you can figure out why).

i could talk about what i liked about my gameplay as well as what i didn't do well, but i think the vods speak for itself (and i usually made some kind of comment at the end of each shift as to what mistakes i did or what i could've done differently).

but i think the most important reminder of this particular grind was how important it is to take breaks while playing. my push from evp 865 to evp 999 was all done off-stream, after i ate dinner, took a shower to decompress and release tension, etc etc!

this push ended up taking around an hour- and all of the shifts were successful (well, except one). i don't think i can stress enough how important it is to take a break away from the game while doing these pushes, because i performed way better that time around.

i think it is evident to anyone who watches the twitch vod that i start getting really fatigued near the end. my movements aren't as sharp; i'm very sluggish. and the way i talk about the game too, is evident of how tired i was.

i still wanted to give an earnest attempt at grinding because i thought that: "well, if i'm able to clear 333% when fatigued, imagine doing it when my sense are actually sharp!" i had 4-5 hours to spare after the stream, and i'm glad i chose to try again in a better state. it was nice to clear HLM for the first time on a regular rotation!

i also feel pretty well attuned to snatchers on this map too now, which is lovely! i did feel that was something i was weak at, previously, but now it's more of a habit for me now which is good! :3c

anyway! fun rotation. of the weapon loadout, i feel like i've got a lot to learn about the s-blast, especially with ink management (i noticed that i died a lot because i couldnt ink paths to move around...). e-liter, while a bit slow compared to splat charger, can be immensely powerful if you can aim well under pressure. sploosh and splattershot are gods and i dont think i need to elaborate on that.

this is a very positive note for me to end my chill season 2023 on- i'll probably only be playing the chargers only challenge + eggstra work before shifting completely into reload (though i may still hop on from time to time)... i think eggstra work will be a cakewalk after doing a bunch of 333% runs hehe 😎

#splatoon 3 #lizz.jpg #lizz.txt #RAHHH IM SO PROUD OF MYSELF #i think i asked someone 'hey do you think i'll get evp 999 on as second map first or a second 5 star weapon' #they said evp 999. they were right #this would not have been possible without me having practiced this map previously and knowing how to move around it #as well as my very swag and awesome friends who i grouped up with for some part of it! #this rotation was great to work on both individually and in a group setting #while the core gameplay is still the same i feel that group salmoning emphasizes communication more than individual skill #freelance made me lean into developing my sense of judgment and direction and whatnot and i'm glad my judgment is decent enoug for HLM #this and jammin junction are the only maps i've 9'd so far and i think it's because i played both maps very frequently prior to 9-ing them #i feel like sockeye would be next on the chopping block for me given that i already have reached 600 there. just gotta get a nice rotation #smokeyard and marooners i still need to get to evp 400 lol but. that'll come with time. i think #god... i love splatoon 3.. i love practicing and honing skills. mwah... kiss.

[septembersghost]

what addictive stardust does baz put in his movies

#i've been racking my brain trying to remember the last time i was this captivated by a (new ie: recent) movie at all #ttb doesn't quite count since the stage version was already well-known to me so loving it was a given #and i...can't think of one (a non-franchise one and even then we're talking like. rots in 2005...) #don't get me wrong i love and enjoy movies i just don't tend to obsess over them anymore #i can come up with plenty that i DO love from recent years! but they didn't *change my brain chemistry* #i can't strongly come up with one that did that specifically since moulin rouge and that was 21 years ago 😭😭😭 or maybe chicago? rent! #(note: the maximalist musical theme is in fact key to my wiring) #and like despite some fondness for the movies phantom and sweeney did not do it since the shows are much more beloved and important to me #anyway uh. baz bestie i need to ask you what you put in your celluloid for science #there is something wrong with me lmao #i think it's the combo of not only the film but the further exploration of elvis himself and so much music and other work directly from him #so it's the double hyperfixation hit of a film to be enrapt by AND an artist to attach to which both are like #nostalgic/formative feeling experiences #idk i'm overcome with emotions #jess.mess #sorry for throwing likely tbd text posts into the void here on the disaster zone tonight #chelsea i love saying i'm going to delete posts and then keeping them up because of your replies <3

[youraveragecatastrophe]

During their confrontation in season 1 episode 8, Shadowsan accuses Coach Brunt of being soft on Carmen. Interestingly, instead of denying, she deflects, saying "we were all soft on Black Sheep before she betrayed us and took a new name".

This lulls the viewer into a false sense of security because she doesn't refute it. Combined with her previous affection for Carmen and her discretion all season long, this makes you believe she's not a threat to Carmen.

Yet she says "we were soft before". A subtle way to imply she's not anymore... As shown in the very next episode.

#carmen sandiego 2019 #cs coach brunt #csweekly #rewatching s1 slowly & carefully & watching all the little things that build up towards that crushing finale: oh no its all coming together #i'm not gonna talk about how the 'we were all soft' is not even true #thats so funny. like only brunt openly cared. shadowsan constantly acted like an ass. the others clearly didn't care about carmen #coach brunt is always projecting her own feelings on other people #(ie the way she truly cares about the others as family and is shocked when it's not mutual) #i knowwww i've already talked about this and you know what. you'll hear it again! #i had already noticed some interesting things regarding her during previous viewings #but i'm surprised by how much i see now that i watch 1 ep a week and take the time to think about them #another one of those fascinating characters who weren't developed as much as i thought they'd be given the hints we got

[sysig]

What’s Bun-Bun’s signature colour? (Patreon)

#Doodles #BunBonBop #All these options and for the life of me I can't decide! #Is it the rainbow???? What is it!! #I was really hoping that scanning and editing would give some clarity - maybe by how easy it is to edit compared to Bon and Bop #Nope all I know is purple is the least likely but I already figured that #At least dark purple - maybe if I get a lighter purple lol #Also I'm pretty sure I mixed up Bon and Bop's shoe tongue-shapes lol - it's hard to keep all their little details straight! #Even with references on-hand and it Definitely didn't help that I was mostly offline at the time lol #I got them Mostly correct that's the important part and also they're not even the focus this time! They got their moment in the light! Lol #It feels a bit silly to try assigning a colour to Bun /now/ like - what about when I got the other pencils? Why not then? #I just didn't think of it at the time lol #I've always imagined her with a warm tone so it was probably getting the orange that was the reminder I needed #Now that I've tried it out tho I'm still not sure! #Purple would be really nice as a combination of the other two but Bunny is her own individual so hmm #Plus like I said that purple is way too dark and I'm not currently willing to get a lighter purple pencil just for her lol #I love her but I don't Need another purple pencil! ...Maybe for [Purple Text] someday...... but that's Someday! #Yellow would fill out the Primary Colour trifecta but eh that feels so done y'know? #I kinda already figured green wouldn't suit her but she does look cute haha - she's always cute that's the problem! #Orange isn't bad I suppose but it is very bright - Bun-Bun has always given me pastel vibes #Which I guess would leave pink? I'd feel really silly if it ended up being a colour I had At The Same Time of drawing the other two lol #I don't Dislike it - she's like a softer version of Bop (which she is! Personality-wise) and the culturally-recognized counterpart to Bon #Again feels a little done to have The Boy of the group be blue and the Soft Girl be pink lol #But I mean this isn't what they Actually look like - it's part of their brand #I could see the corporate side of things leaning into the stereotypical expectations #Having the fans recognize and maybe give a little pushback might be fun too hehe ♪ #Plus they do still have their own aesthetics outside their signature colours - Bun-Bun is pastel like I said #Bon is probably like ''Cool'' - again leaning into his role as The Boy - but still cute and poppy - sporty I guess #And Bon would be a little more sleek - sharper edges more flattering than elegant - GirlBoss chic I guess lol #I dunno lol I need to do more work on what their brand actually is anyhow lol

[dan-crimes]

It really is so sexy of me to be an art blog that never ever posts my own art LMAO

#AND I NEVER WILL !!! #HAHAHAHA #I don't exactly draw fanart nor do I ever even really finish my art so I don't have much to show anyway #I am an artist ~in theory~ #I really should try drawing more stuff tho #I would enjoy drawing some of the cartoons I like I just have so many things I wanna draw that I end up drawing nothing #like rn I'm bored and feel like drawing but at the same time I'm too bored to do that I kinda wanna do like anything else #but I'm too bored to do anything else either so I'm kinda just doing nothing #maybe I will play a video game of some sort #I need something a bit more proactive to do cuz of the levels of boredom I'm at #anyway I've kinda given up on this being an art blog like it'll always be an art blog at it's core but #if I were to start making tons of art and drawing consistently again and I wanted to post that stuff thenn #I think I'd just make a new blog for that lmao I mean I already have plans to do that regardless just been too lazy #ay tho if anyone read thru this you can feel free to request I draw something #I mean look at my description you can always request I draw smth just not a guarantee I'll actually draw it #I'll think about it tho at the very least I will look at it and make an attempt #just whether I finish it....

[gumgumvibecheck]

the thing about whiskey peak zoro is that i think its him really solidifying for himself that joining up with luffy was absolutely the correct step on the path to the world’s greatest swords man. he’s so fucking gleeful because he won, he gambled on being better than anythign baroque works had to offer and boy did it pay off, because here he is slicing through these clowns like butter when they were the ones who asked him to join up and work under them

like think about it, your 19 and you’ve got oodles of manic confidence, but there isn’t really a blue print for this either. you got approached by this big hot shot bounty hunter/assassin org - and you think your better than that, but fuck you’re a kid ya know. then you turn around and decide to work under a rubber menace who black mailed you. and sure you’re having a great time, but is this how you get to the top? you’ve gotten your ass whooped by mihawk, so you know your ceiling - but is joining up with a cartoonish rubber boy really going to get you further ahead than working as a bounty hunter or becomign a hired assassin?

the answer is hell fucking yeah it was the right call, and i think he’s really reveling in that

#you see it at the end of his fight with mr. 1 too like #he's like shit here is the top of this org and i can beat him #i had to learn to cut steal but i can beat him and there is nothing that these people couldn't have given me that i haven't already earned #idk i think its really where he gets to look kuina in the eye and say #i've figure it out i know how i'm going to get stronger this is how i'm going to reach our goal #like going from 19 years of being 'im going to be the greatest one way or another' to 'i'm going to become the greatest by being 1st mate #to the pirate king' just must feel like everything clicking into place #thats why he's have so much fun grinning up on that roof like a manianc #its cause he was fucking right #roronoa zoro #aub talks