#im dissasociating in general

[ayazumi]

.

#oh boy oh boy first ever rant tags can i even say i've been on tumblr without doing this once #but man i feel. so fucking tired. i got no energy for anything #my therapist is trying to help me channel all my frustrations into motivational anger but #i feel like i've given up already #like my dreams of just: getting into college; leave this shitty as country; maybe try romance again #they all feel so impossible so why even put the effort #i hate my art again #i feel more isolated than ever #i hate the way i look more and more every fucking day #i've lost weight to the point that i think i am properly severly underweight #i have made zero efforts into trying to get a job #i dont draw anymore #well i do but #i force myself #i disassociate completely when i do and i dont even feel like im drawing #im dissasociating in general #i cant sleep #i've started having nightmares again and seeing those fucking faces when i try to fall asleep #i feel like a husk #like im an annoyance to everyone around me #i still act chipper and positive but afterwards when im alone it feels like taking a mask off #it just #nothing #idk what the fuck to do #literally only thing keeping me from doing something stupid like self harm or worse is my cats #i wanna tear out my hair ngl

[aobabes]

The fact that Sly literally only ever fronted whenever Aoba was being assaulted, abused, or nearly killed throughout DRAMAtical Murder yet to this day people still call him “the evil alter cliche” in terms of the general portrayal of DID in media really really bothers me.

He literally was split as a means to protect Aoba, which is exactly what Sly did. Did he go about it the wrong way? Yeah, I'd say destroying people's brains and giving people brain hemorrhages isn't necessarily the best way to ensure the safety of your system, but that's literally what an aggressive protector is in a system: An alter usually split to deal with physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse and/or assault, but due to their misguided idea of what protection should and shouldn't be, they retaliate against said danger and/or abuse aggressively. They mean no harm to their system nor the body and it's the same case for Aoba and Sly.

Aoba literally acknowledges that Sly was never evil and that he just had a misguided idea of protecting him from harm in Ren’s route. Stop it with the “Sly/Desire is evil and that's his only character trait” shtick because it's annoying. He's just a smug little gremlin alter who likes to mess with people's heads, and what about it?? He's far from “evil” he's just a tiny bastard man who just so happens to have mind manipulation powers.

#dmmd #dramatical murder #aoba #aoba seragaki #sly #sly blue #dmmd sly blue #ren #dmmd ren #dissasociative identity disorder #DID #tw assault mention #tw abuse mention #semi vent #okay to reblog #i just really love him okay #him and aoba and ren they're such a complex and beautifully written system #and im just as tired of the negative stigma around sly blue/desire as i am of the negative stigma around DID in general #fuck off. this is a 100% certified sly/desire defense blog so watch your mouth when speaking on him around me #thank you for coming to my ted talk

[princeanxious]

Tiktok: hey! We know you've been scrolling for a lil while, maybe take a break?? Its a bit late, it might do ya some good to get some rest!!

Me: *quietly keeps scrolling out of spite*

Me: *realizes its suddenly 2 am*

Me:

Me: damn it

#luka rambles #dont mind me im just losing my mind #i was hit by a brick called depression and got a concussion of dissasociation throbbing with panic #i wanna draw and create but haha! quarantine means EVERYONES HOME ALL DAY and my only respit is night time-- #--a respit i cant have when i need to take my adhd&memory meds early in the MORNING #to those who live with like. four maximum people in your home. i envy you. #also being reminded that my voice is quiet to other and doesnt carry and therefore talking in general in this chaos is futile #nothin like being unintentionally mute bc no one would hear you anyway amirite #luka rants #delete later #im fine i just need to fckn vent b4 i go crazy #quarantine mention

[existentialpizzaman]

Naruto shitty buddy cop movie

Kakashi and iruka adopted naruto, sasuke, Sakura, and live in a crowded three bedroom apartment together

The kids are insanely difficult to raise, they just scream at all hours, but ultimately they’re a generally happy family

Kakashi ges our for milk one day

Six years later he and Gai are happily married with three kids (Lee, Tenten, Neji) in a nice suburban neighborhood

One day naruto shows up out of no where with a gun

(It’s not an actual loaded gun naruto just sort of found it and now carries it around)

(He definitely learned fun gun flinging tricks, but because it’s a hand gun not a colt it’s super awkward and he drops it all the time)

“WHERES THE FUCKING MILK BITCH”

Naruto has actually been lookin for sasuke who disappeared a few months earlier, his trail led him to Kakashi

Reluctantly, Kakashi agrees to help naruto find sasuke cause he fell eels a little guilty (but not that guilty, let’s be honest)

Naruto isn’t actually that close to finding sasuke and he’s actually a really bad detective but Kakashi won’t say anything about it he just goes along with naruto as he bumbles around the city trying to find sasuke and Kakashi is just sort of in the background for most of it, but while naruto isn’t looking he is doing actual research and trying to sway naruto in the right direction

Sasuke got involved in a gang trying to find his own real family that he was adopted from into iruka and kakashi’s original family. Turns out they were a crime family but they were all massacred and sasuke it trying to reignite their business but is failing miserably

Naruto and Kakashi are questioning diedara and naruto gets tired of asking questions and pulls his unloaded gun out and unintentionally starts a gun fight

Naruto gets shot in the crossfire in the leg and Kakashi totally just leaves him there and takes off in narutos car, defenseless

Naruto meets Itachi, sasuke last living relative, who’s also looking for sasuke and is deep undercover

The two of them hit it off, and Itachi actually teaches naruto how to shoot his gun and gives him live ammo (a huge mistake) they actually really like each other and complain about sasuke being a drama queen together

(They have a tender moment where Itachi thanks naruto for being a brother where Itachi couldn’t)

Kakashi continues the investigation without naruto and his leads take him to a warehouse that sasuke is supposedly hiding out in with a bunch of other people from other crime families whatever idk

He sneaks in at the same time naruto and Itachi sneak in and they bump into each other while sneaking around, naruto and Itachi are in disguise but Kakashi isn’t, they scare each other coming around a corner, naruto shoots Kakashi in the hand.

“What the fuck It’s me! I’m not even wearing a disguise!”

“I know. That was for leaving me behind! TWICE”

They find sasuke and in the ensuing fight Itachi dies and sasuke realizes he should’ve just stayed with naruto blah blah blah it’s all very sweet and sad

“Aren’t you that guy who left our dad with three unbearable children? Oh and you started another family somewhere different? Cool. Bitch”

Sasuke slaps Kakashi. Hard.

It’s a very awkward ride from the warehouse. Sasuke is still in shock from his brother dying and is crying silently in the backseat while heavily dissasociating. Naruto is sitting in the passenger seat pleased as punch, smiling up a storm. Kakashi is driving with a bloody hand, bleeding all over the place. ABBA is playing softly on the radio. They don’t speak a single word to each other the whole time.

They go back to iruka. Gai’s kids are waiting there too. Naruto Lee tenten sasuke Neji and Sakura all sit in the living room of iruka’s apartment having tea together while iruka LOUDLY tears Kakashi a new one in the background. He’s throwing shit and screaming. The six of them are just enjoying their tea and trying not to make eye contact.

Please add more im in love with this concept

#naruto fanfiction #naruto #kakagai #kakashi x iruka #naruto buddy cop movie

[thursdayswildflower]

gonna keep this short bc im about to fall asleep but! ive made a place to keep track of my thoughts since paper and pen journaling couldn't quite stick it for me. i dont know if im going to make this blog private or not, or if ill consistently use it. tomorrow ill start following a few people, most likely recovery and positivity blogs w/ themes on processing trauma, growing, and acceptance.

for some thoughts on today before i sleep: it was hard, but i made it through and i think sleeping will help some cause i got jack yesterday. i didnt make that important phone call but i will tomorrow with help and i wrote 200 words which is alot for what ive done in a while! and i ate 2 meals! and made it through work despite the dissasociating!

on that note, im gonna try and do a few happy things every day, even if its only one.

three good things:

- the particular warmth a dog's ears have. its different from the rest of their fur and on that note dog ears are just always very soft and warm in general??

- when you get home from a long shift and can just lay on the rug in silence and appreciate how you made it through and feel the wonderful calming pressure of the tile floor against your legs and arms like a reverse weighted blanket

- lamps with night settings. love that funky orange glow

#thoughts #goodthingsaday #are those gonna be permanent tags who knows

[somnilogical]

global memetic collapse

what is the concept referenced by ‘memetic collapse’?

<<Or the unrevolutionary zeal with which they defend revolutionary concepts. Like yourself, in other words. People are infected with memes around which they build their entire cognative structure. When, as frequently happens, these memes collapse or become outdated and are replaced with more up-to-date ones these people are forced to rebuild much or their psyche from scratch.

Forteans, on the other hand, have developed a memetic technique in which they dissasociate a meme from its structre and are able to cognate via it without risking psychological damage if, or when, it collapses. Any weakness in the meme and it's discarded in favour of another. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Of course the best defense against memetic collapse is to ignore any datum that contradicts the meme… hence Neophobia.>>

http://forum.forteantimes.com/index.php?threads/moon-landing-hoaxed.271/page-6

i found the concept referenced again in a moonlanding conspiracy thread, also in nrx blogs im guessing it is ‘believing things because they are memetically fit rather than true’ and the social effect of an entire society doing this

it does sound like an scp thing <<Originally Posted by mindstalk View Post The religion material is described here http://www.enworld.org/forum/general...ml#post4893129 saying Islam is said to be holding up better than Judaism and Christianity, and noting that it's only been 10 years after the Fall, which wouldn't lead me to expect memetic collapse yet. I think that a change that big would do a lot to destroy conventional religious structures (especially when combined with all of the various pre-Fall changes). Also, the concluding sentance of the (124 word-long) paragraph devoted to pre-Fall relgions is as follows: "Overall, followers of the pre-Fall religions mostly populate small habitats isolated from transhumanity through both physical and philosophical distance.">>

https://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?468040-Eclipse-Phase-Well-how-is-it/page11

the concept is also referenced in a discussion of the game eclipse phase (one i really like) <<Global memetic collapse: Much is made of the potential of civilizational collapse as a consequence of resource constraints and environmental disaster, man-made or otherwise. With the development of a knowledge-based civilization, optimism focuses increasingly on the capacity to use such facilities to counter such possibilities. However, with the evident much-challenged capacity to deliver any remedial response, there is the possibility that collapse will take other forms, as suggested by an existential encounter with "nothing". This may be exacerbated by information overload, limited attention capacity, erosion of collective memory, and loss of credibility of any authority -- perhaps combining into loss of meaning and significance, especially in collective form. Any claims to coherence might then be understood as a "cosmic joke", perhaps in the spirit of Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, 1980). Any such process of "global memetic collapse" may perhaps bear resemblance to the pattern of collapse in the lifecycle of any sun. The Hertzsprung-Russell diagram, mapping stages in this process, might then be explored in terms of the varieties of 'not-knowing".>>

https://www.laetusinpraesens.org/musings/knowhere.php okay so an environment where people generally regard the truth as something distant and unknowable to humans. (and probably regarding ethical acts as similarly unattainable) and thinking that you have found or thought of anything that is likely to still be true tomorrow is seen as worthy of derisive laughter by other members of the society operating under memetic collapse. this probably in practice applies to questions like “what is the most important problem the world faces?” rather than “is 1+1=2?”. so if memetic collapse happened in the 80s, there wouldn’t be a stable sense that nuclear weapons were really bad and this is an important issue that will obliterate all of civilization and leave behind nothing but fire if nothing is done. and instead the focus of popular consensus would be yanked around by whatever issue was most memetically fit that week. and this would make civilization-wide coordination against this coordination problem even more difficult? and the claim is that it is more difficult than in the past to convince people that the more important problems of the human race could even be knowable to an individual. because? things are passed about because they rhyme or are funny or fit a pattern rather than being true. (but this has been going on for forever in humans) i would guess a lot of people who use this term in relation to the current state of society claim that the internet made this issue worse for humanity on net instead of better.

#notes #global memetic collapse #nice memeticly fit phrase there #shame if someone were to #riff on it #copy pasted from discord

[nofeelingsandallthefeelings]

barely holding it together i still feel stressed out about working in general and i wish i could just get things going ive been in a standstillfor too long and the time i managed to work my side hustle i stayed complacent, but the reality is i need to get my head around not being too comfortable bc that means its easier to take my confort away or something like that, i feel like im having a mixed episode, i feel like im going to take off into the sky but im also dissasociating and i am also havin gthe most anxious thoughts anyone could dream of, i hate it here, this state of mind really sucks and i wish i could just be stable on my meds and that might take years but im worth it, i dont like these low vibrational feelings and thoughts that come to me when im like this. this stress sucks too, i need to stop drinking coffee, i had a nightmare last night that i was with nancy and we got into an airplane n jesse yes the one from highscool was the housekeeper but he was kind of fat and we stopped by the psychward, not sure why, oh lord please take this burden away.

november 2020

[justalittlefreedom]

I am honestly amazed and astounded by this man. The compassion and patience he has with me is more than i could have ever hoped or wished for. I regularly struggle with my several mental illnesses. I have Major Depression, General Anxiety, and a Dissasociation disorder, and those cause a lot of mood swings. Some how, by some miracle, in the two and a half years we have been together we have never had a fight where we have yelled at each other. However, that does not mean he has not been there when i lose my shit at other people. Especially recently. We moved into my parents basement to save money for a house about 5 months ago. Unfortunetly i am exactly like my parents, yet 100% opposite. This has caused several hard moments. This man.... when i am going at it with my parents, he never joins my side, but he also doesnt ever disregard what i say or say im wrong. He often will stand silently next to me, and will often chime in clerification, such as "that isnt a current issue but a pattern she is saying she has noticed" or even "thats a reference to a movie or story". Then when everything is over he takes me away and helps put me back together. When im emotionaly struggeling he never tries to push me, he stays calm and talks to me like my points are valid. Then when im calm and feeling stable again i apologize for all the drama and my out bursts, and he simply accepts the apology and is happy to talk with me about what happened and his thoughts, and if he noticed any thinking errors. (Though he does not know the terminologies or that that is what he is doing) We both struggle with depression and anxiety and our cycles are not synced at all. When im flying he is curled in bed. When he is flying, im the one in bed. Sometimes, if we are very lucky, we have clarity at the same time, or are depressed with each other and simply spend the day next to each other talking and watching things together. But im so thankful for nights like tonight. I spent the week dissasociated and unable to feel any emotions. On sunday they finally came back, but since i had not had to cope with them for a week, they completely overwhelmed me. Sunday was bad. And then Monday came, today, and i woke up so depressed i could hardly even call my boss to say i couldnt come in today. Jerid went to work like normal, and i literaly spent the day laying in the bed. I didnt eat, drink, go to the bathroom, nothing. Finally around 4pm i forced myself to get up and at least shuffle to the couch where the sunshine was. I was there when he got home after 7pm. We talked for a bit, and then he found out i still had not filed my taxes or eaten. He grabbed me by the hand and led me to the counter. He made me macaroni and cheese while i got the paperwork and set up the computer. Then i ate while he filed my taxes and i found the correct forms and answered questions. I can not express how much i love and appriciate this man. He never makes me feel like im crazy. He never makes me feel different. He never makes me feel like im incompetent. He is the kindest person I have met.

#personal #mental health #mental illness #mental disorder #major depressive disorder #depression #depressed #anxiety #Dissasociation #live #love

[the-dead-dove-eat-it]

For people out there I just wanna let you know. There’s such thing as secondary pain. The pain you feel when someone is hurting.

And I have felt endless secondary pain with my friend. They are suffering and believe it or not, it’s other people causing this suffering.

My friend has a good heart, it’s just covered in a thick layer of scarring. When I met them they were in constant agony. Hurting. I’ve been described as a bleeding heart before. And I can describe my friend (I will call them that regardless of the fact that they are too afraid to call me theirs because I will be there for them just like a friend would) as a bleeding heart that was taken advantage of one too many times.

I’ve had friends both irl and online kill themselves. So maybe that’s way I feel I can confidently say that I am hyper aware of cries for help that aren’t actually voiced.

I get up to a message asking that I please “help”. “I don’t want to bother you” “but i need someone rn please”. And It chokes me up. Because these past few weeks have been horrible for them. Abuse. Repeated abuse. They get angry but that’s just to hide that they’re hurting. It’s survival instinct. And I have to say that yes, I witnessed some unkindness from them this past week. But do I blame them? Only partly. Because they have been hurt repeatedly and people didn’t even give them a chance. Which is shocking. Because usually online people are like “hey, i noticed a/b/c and i wanted to see what your stance is on it”. Or maybe I’ve just been lucky with the people I’ve met online so far.

But when I join a party and can hear the last little quick sniffle as they push down their feelings for the umpteenth time, hear the quiver in their voice as they try to keep from crying. I ask what’s wrong and they just laugh and say “its my fault” “im stupid is all” “just tired” and all these fucking excuses break my heart.

It hurts me to know that they’re hurt. Like if anybody knew anything about their background you would think that they have had fucking enough. But it never seems to end. Shit piles up. And they are so fucking strong because they just keep surviving. 

But they are so strong and I am fucking witnessing them break under the pressure. The dissasociation is more frequent and lasts longer.

And I’m tired of my friends being hurt. I’m tired of losing my friends because they can’t carry the fucking world on their shoulders. 

And i honestly have to say to those people out there that hurt others. (not anyone in particular for those that might get butthurt immediately, idk you. im saying generally.)

When someone says to me “i just wanna pretend someone can hear and understand me.” 

When is it enough? When are people going to stop the judgements, the bullying, the unkindness?

I honestly have grown so weary of this world.

If you made it this far. TLDR don’t ever fucking be unkind to someone or judge them without giving them a fucking voice. Because this world is cruel and unfair and full of enough pain as it is.

That’s all.