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latetaektalk · 5 years

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break up with me | osh [2]

he and you had been playing pretend for months now, but you couldn’t do it anymore.

genre: break up! au, established relationship! au, angst

word count: 5.546

a/n: so, this is the last part of break up with me!! i hope you all enjoy it and i don’t know if anyone wants one or if people even think it’s necessary, but i could write an epilogue? i already have somewhat of an idea, but if no one wants it and if nobody think it’s necessary, i won’t post one. so, basically let me know what you think of this chapter and if you want an epilogue?~

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You opened the closet Sehun and you were sharing and downed the wine as you looked at your clothes. It was obvious what belonged to Sehun and what belonged to you and you were numb to the aching in your chest. The sight hurt so much because for the longest time there was no line between Sehun’s and your clothes. You both had used to share everything. Well, Sehun had used to share everything with you, but only because he didn’t want any of your clothes.

So, it felt like somebody was pushing a knife into your heart when you saw such a clear line between Sehun’s and your clothes. You closed your eyes and listened to the piano playing before James Blunt took over.

Did I disappoint you or let you down? Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown? Cause I saw the end before we’d begun Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won

“Goodbye My Lover” by James Blunt. Sure, one might say that you were dramatic and rubbing salt into the wound, into your broken heart, but you needed to feel the pain and sadness. Instead of running away from it, you embraced the pain, held it tightly to your heart, cried with it. It felt good to acknowledge it because there was no denying in it, you were hurting, bad.

So I took what’s mine by eternal right Took your soul out into the night It may be over but it won’t stop there I am here for you if you’d only care

You looked at everything Sehun owned and you lingered a little longer on your favourite pieces. The grey hoodie that you loved so much hung there between all his button-downs and your pants. Without thinking about it, you reached for it and pulled it from its hanger. You put it on and you hated how safe you felt having it on, like Sehun’s arms were wrapped around you. The smell of his detergent swamped you. You ignored the fact that Sehun had bought his own detergent, had stopped using yours. The line between Sehun’s and your clothes wasn’t as obvious as it was before and that made you smile a little.

You touched my heart, you touched my soul You changed my life and all my goals And love is blind but that I knew when My heart was blinded by yours

You sighed because that didn’t change anything, didn’t change your plans today. You turned around and walked to your nightstand. Because you couldn’t afford to spill the last couple of drops of wine anywhere, you put down your wine glass. You made your way to the other side of the bed, Sehun’s side. With a sigh, you bent down and pulled the suitcase from underneath the bed. You dragged it in front of the closet and opened it.

I’ve kissed your lips and held your hand Shared your dreams and shared your bed I know you well, I know your smell I’ve been addicted to you

You didn’t move for a moment, instead, you stared at the suitcase and you couldn’t help but tear up. You wiped away the tears with your sleeve and when you smelt Sehun’s detergent, you teared up again. It was a vicious circle so you just let the tears spill because there was no use in wiping them away. At least not when new ones would form the second you did. It was ridiculous that you could still cry because you had cried so much today already.

Goodbye my lover Goodbye my friend You have been the one You have been the one for me

First in the café, then in Joohyun’s car as she drove you home and then another time when you realised that Sehun wasn’t home again even though it was his day off. Joohyun had wanted to come up and even offered you to stay at her place. You had insisted, however, that you needed to get something done first. She had checked with you a couple of times already and you had to practically beg her to leave you alone.

Goodbye my lover Goodbye my friend You have been the one You have been the one for me

With a heavy sigh, you pulled yourself together. Before you could do something, your phone vibrated and interrupted your music for a second. You walked over and unlocked it without looking. The chat between Chanyeol and you came into view and you looked at the new messages Chanyeol had sent you.

[Chanyeol - 17: 08]: sure your cousin can totally stay with me!

[Chanyeol - 17:08]: when is he gonna arrive tmr?

[You - 17:08]: Im actually not sure, ill ttext you if i know more.

You were about to turn off your phone when you saw that Chanyeol was online. The two ticks turned blue and Chanyeol started typing. You had time and didn’t mind waiting, but maybe you should have.

I am a dreamer and when I wake You can’t break my spirit - it’s my dreams you take And as you move on, remember me Remember us and all we used to be

[Chanyeol - 17:09]: okay. but how are you feeling? sehun said youre really busy with school and work

Your thumbs hovered above the screen and you wanted to type something back, but your mind was blank. You didn’t even notice how Chanyeol typed up a new message.

I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile I’ve watched you sleeping for a while I’d be the father of your child I’d spend a lifetime with you

[Chanyeol - 17:09]: you should take some time off today. were meeting up putside yerims dorm later and going out for some drinks

[You - 17:09]: I dont think im gonna come

[Chanyeol - 17:10]: everybodys gonna be there!! even jongdae is coming, you have to too!!!!

You raised your brows because Jongdae coming was impressive. He never came to these things. However, you didn’t spend too much thinking about Jongdae and how rare it was for him to meet up with everybody. Instead, thought about how Sehun hadn’t even bothered to tell you that he was going out with the boys.

I know your fears and you know mine We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine And I love you, I swear that’s true I cannot live without you

[Chanyeol - 17:10]: you could go home with sehun eralier if you feel tired, but we all just wanna see you again ;(

You pressed your lips together and sighed. Did you want to go out? Yes, a thousand yes, but then everybody would notice how awkward it was between Sehun and you. There was no overplaying that awkwardness if you were completely honest. If you went, everybody would just worry and you didn’t need anybody to worry about Sehun and you. You also doubted that Sehun wanted you there.

[You - 17:11]: Sorry, gtg. have fun

Goodbye my lover Goodbye my friend You have been the one You have been the one for me

You turned off your phone and threw it onto your bed before you turned around and looked at Sehun’s and your closet. As you sighed, you walked up to it and took a moment to get ready because this was going to take some time.

Goodbye my lover Goodbye my friend You have been the one You have been the one for me

You could hear the rain hammering on your windows, could hear the occasional car speeding past your flat. The clear night sky had turned sour and bitter in a matter of seconds, but barely anyone knew because it was early in the morning. 04:12 to be exact.

You leaned back into your couch and took another swig of your wine. Your eyes were trained on the empty chair in front of you, separated from you by your coffee table.

You had to admit, you had hard time keeping yourself awake. You had wanted to take a nap beforehand, but you had been too scared that you were going to miss Sehun.

When you heard keys jiggle, you downed the rest of your wine and put the glass down. You almost dropped your phone when you unlocked it and opened the chat between Joohyun and you. She knew what your message meant and knew what she had to do now.

[You - 04:12]: Hes back.

Just when you were leaning back into the couch, the door opened and Sehun stepped in. You could hear a sigh escape him and you tightened up. He didn’t know you were in the living room because you hadn’t turned on the lights.

Your heart started beating into your chest like it wanted to jump out and it hurt, it hurt so much. For a second you thought about pretending to be asleep, but there was no turning back. You had to do this even though it was going to hurt you both so fucking much. You were sure of that fact, but you were also sure of the fact that there was no other way.

Sehun walked past the living room without looking into it. You could see him take off his jacket again as he made his way to your bedroom. He was soaked and you weren’t surprised. Sehun had never been one to take an umbrella with him. You guessed the rain had taken him and the others by surprise.

Instead of grabbing a towel from the bathroom, Sehun walked into your shared bathroom. You looked at the towel next to you for a moment and you couldn’t help it but smile.

Just like a few days ago a sigh escaped Sehun as the door to your bedroom fell shut, but unlike last time he didn’t stay long. Before you knew it, a frantic Sehun stepped out of your bedroom. His eyes were blown out and he ran his hand through his hair as he snapped his head around. Your heart warmed up a little at the fact that he was so panicked to see you not in bed. So, he did still care about you. But you also guessed that seeing the closet empty added to his panic.

“Y/N?”, Sehun called out for you and looked into the bathroom, unaware of the fact that you were watching his every move. You regretted that you had downed your wine because this whole show would be better with some wine. “Y/N?”

You put your hand in front of your mouth and the smell of Sehun’s detergent wasn’t as strong as it used to be. No wonder, considering you had been wearing this hoodie all day long.

Sehun turned on the lights to the living room and for a second he didn’t see you, but when he did, he left out a long breath. His eyes travelled up and down your form, brows furrowing when he saw that you had shoes, jeans and his hoodie on.

You folded your hands in front of your stomach and just looked at Sehun, at your boyfriend. He looked so pretty today, especially pretty in your opinion. It was confusing and you had no explanation for it, but he just did. His hair was dripping onto the floor and even though strands were poking out in funny places, he looked beautiful. His white shirt was sticking to his body and a few months ago you would have gone up to him and kissed him.

“Why are you dressed?”

“You’re pretty.”, you said and reached for the towel next to you, offering it to Sehun. He stared at you in complete confusion, but he took it when he realised that you weren’t going to give up. As he took it, his gaze wandered to his right and he stared at the chair that you had put there for him. Panic took hold of Sehun again as he looked back at you.

“What’s going on?”, Sehun asked you and seemed frozen. You tilted your head at him and smiled at him, happy to be talking to Sehun for once, happy to be speaking more than five words with Sehun. You hadn’t even realised just how much you had missed hearing his voice until now.

“Y/N, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?”

You sighed and gestured for Sehun to take a seat. He did, hesitantly but he did it, sitting down right in front of you.

For a moment, you looked at the coffee table Sehun and you had picked out together. It was the first thing you had bought when you had moved in together and it was what had connected you. Now, it was only separating you two, worked as a barrier for him and you.

You guessed Sehun could feel that something was going to go down tonight, that someone was going to leave this flat after this was over. It was the way he was eyeing you, the way he was picking on his pants.

You should be the one talking, but you wanted to take a moment to appreciate this. You hadn’t looked Sehun in the eyes, hadn’t spent so much time with Sehun, hadn’t seen Sehun properly for a long time now and considering it was going to be the last time, you just had to appreciate it.

“You know you have to use the towel.”, you said and Sehun tilted his head at you, not understanding what the fuck you were talking about. You were procrastinating, buying time, but who could blame you? After everything you still loved Sehun. And, what you were about to do was going to almost kill you and definitely kill your relationship.

“What?”

“You know to dry your-”

“Cut that bullshit, Y/N. What’s happening here right now?”

Sehun’s words left you silent and he stared at you with such intensity that your smile disappeared in a second. Your gaze met Sehun’s and you pressed your lips into a line, sighing internally. You held onto yourself tighter and you hated the way your heart was hammering in your chest. It was so loud that you were certain that Sehun could heart it too.

You opened your mouth, but your tongue was tied. The knot in your throat didn’t help matters and you didn’t know why you had thought before that you would be able to do this. God, this was harder than you thought.

Sehun’s brows were furrowed together and his lips were pressed together. The towel you had given him was thrown over his shoulder and barely did anything to catch the water. Worry and confusion were written all across his face and he was quite literally sitting on the edge of his chair. You knew that it was torturing him to not know what was going on and you sighed, starting to take deep breaths as you tried to calm yourself down.

And when you felt ready, you let the words slip. The words you had repeated over and over again in your head as you prepared for this moment, for this conversation. You knew there was no turning back, no taking the words back and that was okay. It really was.

“Break up with me.”

You could see when your words slowly started to click in Sehun’s head, could see when his brain had finished processing your words, could see when the confusion settled. It was like time stood still, like someone had slowed this down for you to watch, like someone had gifted you with the ability of time for a second before taking it away from you to make the next moments worse.

“What?”

Sehun shook his head at you and he let out a laugh, a taunting laugh, one that made you cringe. You watched him lean back, watched him cross his arms, watched him open his mouth to say something, watched him laugh instead, watched him stare at you before he burst out into laughter again, watched him clap his hands together, watched him calm down, watched him jump up from his chair to walk around, watched him sit down again, watched him look at you again, watched him realise that you weren’t joking around.

“What?”

“Break up with me.”, you said again like you were telling him that you were going to the store. It hurt to say it, but you had started the conversation and you were going to finish it. Was your chest aching? Was your body twisting and wincing in agony? Was your heart shattering into pieces? Sure, yes, but you could still do it. You just knew you could.

Sehun didn’t laugh, didn’t shake his head at you, didn’t run around, not this time. He looked at you and straightened his back, gulping at your face. Nothing much happened after that, he just stared into your eyes and you just stared into his eyes. An eternity seemed to pass before you decided to say something again.

“I know that you don’t love me anymore.”, you started and Sehun tensed up at your words. You tucked a strand behind your ear and pushed your glasses back onto their place. “That’s okay. It really is. People fall out of love, happens.”

You let a beat pass, let your words sink in, let Sehun process your words before you continued again. You were aware that Sehun wasn’t done working through your words, but you also doubted that you could ever give him enough time.

“But you know what’s not okay?”, you asked and waited for a second to emphasize on your words. Sehun started to shake his head and that small shake made you smile for a second. He really didn’t know better, did he? “It’s not okay then to stay in a relationship with me. You know how much it hurts to know that the person you love so fucking much doesn’t love you back?”

Sehun rubbed the nape of his neck and avoided your gaze. You knew you had him, knew that he would let you talk and that might be for the best. There was strength in your words right now, but you weren’t sure if it would stay if Sehun started to say something.

“You should have broken up with me a long time ago, but I know you, Sehun. I know that you don’t have the balls to break up with me. I know that you continued to stay with me to force me to break up with you, to make it easier for you, but I’m not Mia. You’re going to break up with me and this is how you’re gonna do it.”, you started and Sehun looked up at you. You knew he didn’t understand what you were saying, but that was okay. You shuffled to the edge of your couch and took a deep breath.

“You’re gonna start by saying ‘I’m sorry, Y/N.’.”, you said and Sehun softly mumbled ‘No’s when he realised what you were doing right now. He shook his head in protest, but when you kept staring at him with determination and pain burning in your eyes, he gave in.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.”

“Then I’m gonna ask you ‘For what’?’.”, you swallowed and let a second pass. “For what?”

You rubbed your hands on your pants as you struggled to say the next few words. You guessed that it was always going to be hard to say this.

“‘I don’t love you anymore.’.”

Sehun hesitated as well, looking into your eyes to see if this was really what you wanted. There was no question in your mind and you could see the tears form in Sehun’s eyes. He wiped them away the second they appeared, but you had already seen them.

“I don’t-”, Sehun’s voice cracked and he shook his head like it was torturing him to say the next words. You waited, didn’t push him because you understood why he was struggling this much.

“I don’t love you anymore.”

Tears rolled down your cheeks and you let them fall, let them because there was no use in wiping them away. You were honestly surprised that you were hurting so bad because you had known that for a long time now. But you guessed that hearing it coming from Sehun for the first time was different. You hiccuped and you let out a chuckle, unable to form the next words.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.”, Sehun cried softly and you looked at him, pressing your lips into a tight smile. You nodded and new tears fell, leaving hot trails down your face. “So fucking sorry.”

“I know.”, you mumbled. “But that’s not what you’re supposed to say.”

Your small joke lightened the mood for a second, gave you the strength to push through all of this. Sehun cracked a smile and rolled his eyes at you before he had to wipe away tears again.

“Now you’re going to put your hands on our table and then I’m gonna put my hands on our table.”, you whispered and Sehun nodded at you, giving you an ‘Of course, ma’am.’ before doing what you just had told him. When you moved to put your hands on your coffee table, Sehun grabbed a hold of them and hugged them with his own.

“Hey, I didn’t tell you to do that.”

“I knew you wanted though.”

“Stop acting like some breakup master.”, you sniffed and couldn’t help but laugh. Fuck, this is what you missed, playing off of each other. “You’re learning too quickly.”

“You’re just a great teacher.”, Sehun said and smiled at you. Instead of wiping his tears away, he let them fall. There you two were, sitting in front of each other, crying your eyes out as the sun rose behind you. “You’ve always brought out the best in me.”

You tilted your head to the side before you let it hang because those words hit hard. Your chest tightened and Sehun noticed that he had gone a little too far. He put his hand on your head and pulled you closer. He pressed a long and lonely kiss on your forehead and even though tears were still streaming down your face, you smiled.

“Okay, now I’m gonna say ‘Why? Did I do something wrong?’-”

“No, God, no. Y/N, it’s not your fault.”, Sehun started and shook his head at you, your faces still centimetres away from each other. You could feel his breath on your skin and he could feel your breath on his skin. Your smile grew a little at Sehun’s insistence that it wasn’t your fault. “You did everything right, you’re like the best girlfriend-”

“And yet you don’t love me anymore.”

The words slipped out of you without you thinking about it and Sehun and you stared at each other with wide eyes. He scrunched up his face in pain and agony and silent tears rolled down his face. You started to shake your head at him and you wanted to clarify, say something, but instead, a hiccup bubbled up from your throat and spilt out.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”, you said and your eyes fell down to the floor, your whole face feeling like it had been lit on fire. Now it was Sehun shaking his head at you. His hands tightened around yours and he started drawing circles on your skin. He caught your attention again and when you looked at him, he had a tight-lipped smile painted on.

“Don’t apologise, you’re right.”, Sehun admitted and you couldn’t help yourself, but break down a little more. Your sobs filled the air between you two and you could feel Sehun’s hands shake.

“I haven’t treated you right the past months and I’m so sorry for that.”, Sehun’s voice cracked as he said the words and you could literally hear his tears in them. It was weird and impossible, but you just could. “I’ve been so selfish and I’m really so fucking sorry for that.”

You took off your glasses and threw them onto your coffee table, placing your sleeve on your eyes. It was stupid, but you wanted to hide, hide from Sehun’s gaze, hide your face. He had seen you cry so many times now, but you still felt this shame, this need to cover up.

Your crying just got worse with the second and you regretted that you had put on Sehun’s hoodie on because all you smelt was him. You were quite literally drunk on his scent and your heart broke more, your chest ached more, your tears fell quicker because you knew after this, you would never be close enough to him again to smell him.

“You deserve better than me.”, Sehun whispered and you felt like you couldn’t breathe anymore. Your lungs were tied in one painful knot and you wanted to cough it out, but all that spilt from you were sobs and sniffs. You felt a hand wrap around your wrist and pull your hand away from your face. When your eyes automatically landed on your coffee table, Sehun tilted your chin up and cupped your face. “Don’t hide, please.”

You bit on your lip to stop your sobs from breaking out and tilted your head into Sehun’s hand instead. He used his thumb to wipe any of your tears away and a small laugh bubbled up from you. Sehun joined you and you couldn’t help but think that Sehun looked angelic in the morning sun glow.

“So, what’s the next step? What should I say next?”, Sehun asked you as he dropped his hand and cupped yours instead again. You quirked a brow at him and a smile fought its way to your lips as you put on your glasses again.

“I think you’ve got it down.”, you mumbled. “You’re better at breaking up than you think.”

Sehun shook his head at you and you eyed him carefully. What he had just said was perfect, perfect at giving you the push to start moving on, perfect at breaking your heart. It was what you needed, it pained you, but you needed to hear that. It tore a wound into you but healed you in other ways at the same time.

“I don’t think so. You’re crying too much.”, Sehun whispered and you let out a chuckle. You nodded and had to admit that maybe you were crying too much. With your sleeve, you wiped away the tears and you took deep breaths in and out to collect yourself again. After you were sure that there were no traces of tears left, you put your hands back into Sehun’s.

“Okay, now I’m gonna tell you that I’m gonna stay at Joohyun’s and you’re going to say ‘No, I should go. You stay.’.”, you said and you had to try your best to stop your voice from shaking too much. “I’m gonna stay at Joohyun’s.”

“No, I should go. You stay.”, Sehun repeated your words perfectly like it was actually him saying these words and not you telling him to. His grip around your hands tightened and he squeezed yours a little to emphasis his words.

“But then I’ll say ‘No, you stay.’ and you’re going to look at me and give up. ‘Okay. I stay here.’.”, you said. “No, you stay.”

Sehun stared into your eyes for a few seconds and somehow the air around you two started to change. You couldn’t explain it and it seemed like you two grew more comfortable with each other as the sun rose behind you. And you knew that Sehun could feel it too. Maybe it was because you two started to accept that this was happening and that it wasn’t as bad as you thought it would. Maybe it was because you two saw that there was going to be a tomorrow even without the other by your side.

“Okay.”, Sehun started and his voice was quiet, low. It was like he was scared to interrupt whatever was hanging between you in the air. “I stay here.”

“Good, now I’m gonna say to you that ‘I have already packed everything and Joohyun is waiting outside for me. There are only a couple of things left, but I’m gonna get them tomorrow.’ Then you’re going to look around and see my suitcase and bags in the corner behind you.”

“I have already packed everything and Joohyun is waiting outside for me. There are only a couple of things left, but I’m gonna get them tomorrow.”

Sehun nodded and when he turned his head, he immediately spotted your suitcase and bags. When he looked at you again, a tear rolled down his cheek. You reached up and wiped it away before he could. You hated the way his whole body was shaking, hated how much pain and agony was hidden in his eyes. It hurt so much and you wished that the next time you saw Sehun that both of you would smile at each other instead.

“I’m gonna go after this and when I walk out of here, you’re going to put away the wine and the glass. After that, you’re going to our bedroom and look into our closet that is now empty. But before that you’re going to put on your hoodie and sleep in it because now it smells after me and you need my smell to sleep.”, you said and removed Sehun’s hoodie to reveal one of your T-Shirts underneath.

Sehun took his hoodie back and immediately put it on, throwing the towel behind him and inhaling deeply as he pulled his hoodie over his head. You had to cringe because he was putting on his hoodie over his wet shirt, but you didn’t say anything. Instead, you let out a small chuckle and put your hands back onto your coffee table for Sehun to grab a hold of which he did immediately.

“Tomorrow you’re going to take your time to pack all of my things into a box that I’ve put next to our bed. Then you’re going to put the box on our bed for me to grab. When you pack my things you’re going to look at every single one of them and remember all of the things that we’ve done in the past 2 years.”, you said and Sehun nodded as you talked.

Whenever a tear rolled down his or your face, the other wiped it away for the other and it warmed your heart in a way that would have made you giggle like a schoolgirl if the circumstances were different.

“And when I come to get the box, you’re not going to be home. Instead, you’re going to be at Chanyeol’s. I’ve checked with him. He’s fine with you staying at his place, but he actually thinks that you’re my cousin-”, you were about to get into Chanyeol’s and your conversation, but the way Sehun was looking at you told you that he will figure it out.

“Anyway, I’ve packed everything you need to stay at Chanyeol’s. Your suitcase is next to your nightstand.”, you said and exhaled. You thought of what else you wanted to say and when you realised that there was nothing left, you closed your mouth.

“And-”, you started for some reason and, of course, no words followed after your ‘And’. You just looked into Sehun’s eyes and he started to see what you were trying to tell him because he straightened his back a little and his mouth formed a small ‘o’.

“And-”, Sehun repeated for you and you really wanted to say something else because, fuck, it was dawning on you. This was it and now that you had reached the end, it didn’t seem that fine anymore. You weren’t accepting it anymore. Tears spilt from you and Sehun was immediately there to wipe them away, cupping your face in his hands.

“And then-”

Sehun interrupted you by pressing his forehead against yours and shaking his head. Your coffee table between Sehun and you would be ruining the moment in any other circumstances, but now it didn’t bother either of you much. You looked at him and now it was him telling you what to do, well, not to do. He didn’t have to say a single word, you knew what he meant. Your hands travelled to his and you grabbed onto them as your eyes fluttered shut.

You took a deep breath and while a part of you was cursing and screaming, the other part of you was coming to the acceptance that this was it. There was no more Sehun and you. It was fine, you told yourself.

It was going to be fine, you told yourself.

And when you opened your eyes again, when you were met with Sehun’s dark brown eyes, when you saw that small smile on his lips, you couldn’t help yourself but mirror it. While you two held onto each other like your lives depended on it, the sun behind you painted the once sour and bitter sky in a beautiful and hopeful orange.

A new day was starting.

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miraculous-puppy · 5 years

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TMR Scorch Trials: Newt X Reader- Last Goodbye

"Newt-" I start, but he cuts me off.

"No, (Y/N), you're sick. You need all the rest you can get, you don't need to be walking around in the scorch. I'm carrying you whether you like it or not." he says, picking up your weak figure bridal style off from the ground.

"Newt!" Winston yells from the floor, gun still in hand.

"What do you need mate?" Newt walks over to Winston's shaking form on the ground.

"Take care of her." he smiles through his pain.

"I will." Newt sadly smiles back, knowing this will be the last time he will see his friend.

We all walk away, and after a few minutes of walking, we hear a loud gunshot and everyone stops in their tracks for a moment before we start walking once again. I clutch onto Newt's shirt and put my face to his chest, breathing in his comforting sent, knowing that a strong soldier has just been lost, and will forever be remembered in our hearts as Newt presses a loving kiss to my temple.

___________________________________________

I wake up and now it seems like we're in some type of warehouse. I don't feel better in any way, if anything I feel 10 times worse, and that's saying something. My breathing is labored, uneven, and ragged, and my body is shaking and it feels like it has no strength whatsoever. It takes every ounce of the little strength I have left just to raise my hand. If I don't get better soon, then, I won't be making it to the right arm...

Newt must have noticed my shakiness and labored breathing and looked down at me, concern clear on his face with a little bit of fear. The same look of fear he gets when he's afraid he's going to lose me, "How you feeling, love?" he asks, looking down at me.

I lean my head on his chest, not being able to hold it up any longer and swallow the lump in my throat. "Newt, I'm not sure I'm gonna make it to the right arm." I whisper shakily, not really able to bring my voice any louder

"Don't say that, you'll make it, you'll be fine. You just need rest, alright." he says, trying to comfort both of us.

Suddenly, a crank comes running towards us, but is held back by a chain and everyone steps back. Only to go back to where they were when there are more held back by chains behind us, and more throughout the whole room. Newt holds onto me tighter, doing his best so none of the cranks lay a finger on me as I go into a, very painful, coughing fit and lean into him more to stay away from them.

A girl with short, brown hair, walks calmly though the room, not getting touched by a crank once as Newt holds me protectively in his arms.

At first we're hesitant to follow her, but then realize we don't have much of a choice unless we want to stay here with the cranks.

"She doesn't look to good. May I?" she walks closer, asking permission to feel my forehead. Clearly seeing that Newt is very protective of me and isn't just going to randomly let some stranger touch me unless he says it's alright.

I gather up the strength and put a shakey hand on his chest, my breathing still labored and uneven as I fight back the tears out of the pain I'm in. He seems to get the message and allows Brenda, she told us her name, to feel my forehead. But still keeps a close eye on her to make sure she doesn't make any sudden moves to harm me. "I'm no doctor, nor am I a thermometer, but I'd say she has a 103 degree fever at the least. But that's being hopefull. We have some medicine you can give her, but you need to see Jorge first. Follow me." she says as she walks away, us following suit.

Newt smiles down at me, "See, you're gonna be alright. We're gonna get you some help." I go into another painful coughing fit, I can tell that I don't have much time left.

The pain is unbearable, and I'm now sheding tears from the extra pain of my resent coughing fit. My breathing is becoming even more labored, and I'm now not just shaking a little bit, I'm shaking violently. "Just hold on for little longer, (Y/N)." he whispers into my ear, holding my closer than ever as I cry into his chest.

We go into a room and see a grown man, who is messing around with some type of radio. "Jorge, their here." Brenda says, to which he shushes her, trying to listen.

A moment later, he sighs and turns it off, then turns around to face is. "You ever feel like the whole world is against you." everyone is silent, until he speaks again. "Where are you going? Where did you come from? And how can I profit?" he asks all at once.

Newt steps up, holding me close so no one tries anything, "Before we tell you anything, we need medicine. She's sick, and needs attention now." he says, looking down at me after I have a minor coughing fit yet again.

"I can see, she looks like hell. Go get this girl some medicine!" he points to a man behind us as I snuggle closer to Newt, still silently crying as I shake violently..... I'm not gonna make it...

Newt follows the man into another room, then carefully lays me down on a metal table and brings a hand up to caress my cheek. "Just hang on, love, he's putting the medicine in the syringe."

I manage to bring my extremely shakey hand up to Newt's and look up to him, "We're too late." I whisper, tears spilling down the sides of my face.

He shakes his head, refusing to believe it and brings his other hand on the other side of my face, wiping away the tears that spill over. "No, you'll be fine, it's right there." he says, starting to cry himself. Knowing that it'll take a little while for the medicine to kick in and that's time that I just don't have.

"It's ready." the man says, and Newt steps back so he can put the liquid in.

I feel the prick of the needle press through my skin as the substance enter my bloodstream. "How long will it take for the medicine to kick in?" Newt asks, never taking his gaze off of my very visibly shaking form.

"About 10 to 20 minutes." he replies, leaving the room as tears start leaving Newt's eyes and he brings a had to his mouth. Trying to stop the sobs from escaping, knowing that I only have 5 minutes tops.

I shake me head at Newt as the tears continue to flow, "Newt, I have 5 minutes. Tops. And you know it." I sob, knowing that this will be the last time I see him.

I can already feel myself fading away, my body is only shaking more and my breathing is way out of wack, everything hurts.

Newt shakes his head, No, not wanting to let me go, I've been with Newt for years, we've been through everything together. We started off as friends in the maze, then it just started to escalate into something much more.

"Newt, you have to keep going. Get everyone to the right arm."

"You're coming with me, (Y/N), I-"

"I'm not, I'm sorry. But I can't fight it anymore, my whole body is in pain, it hurts to breathe, to move, I've fought for as long as I can. I love you." I cut him off as he returns his hands to both sides of my face.

"No, you have to be alright, (Y/N)-"

"Promise me." I interupt him again, knowing that my time is coming. "Promise me you'll never give up, that you'll keep going. And get everyone to the right arm." I sob as he puts his forehead to mine.

"(Y/N)-"

"Promise me now!" I raise my voice, knowing that I only have a few seconds left.

He nods his head, "I promise." I spend my last seconds in a sad, loving, googbye kiss with the best boyfriend I could ever ask for. Before a tear escapes my eye, and my lips go limp against his, and darkness envelopes me.

#tmr #tmr newt #newt imagine #newt x reader #newtie #the scorch trials #tmr brenda #movie #fanfic #fanfiction

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yourghastlycloseness · 4 years

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live thoughts while watching lost in translation (2003) for what is probably the third time, pt 1

i love the opening shot. the ‘welcome to narita airport’ announcement played like a v.o. we don’t see the airport but we can feel it. we see post-airport bob, sleeping in a cab, and remember all the jet lag and travel fatigue

tokyo is a beautiful neon queen. i fell in love with you the first time. ‘girls’ by death in vegas plays to dizzying flashy lights. they’re chanting

bob is such a prickly guy lol

was e-mail not a thing back in 2003? lydia is always faxing bob

ah park hyatt tokyo — nearly emptied my bank account because i considered spending a week there

giovanni ribisci (sp?) is great at acting like he’s asleep. must be suffocating to be wrapped around someone’s arms like that in bed

i would love to be in charlotte’s position. just walking around and exploring japan on my own. i related to her dreamy, melancholic inertia as a teen, but i barely have the patience for it now

does ‘mitte’ mean ‘look’?

the japanese guy playing the suntory time director is perfect

i get it — we suffer, feel down and blue. but it isn’t nice to call someone like charlotte did and talk about how you didn’t feel anything at the temple you visited. i’ve done it before and was met with a response similar to lauren’s

i never understood why women (attractive ones on TV/in movies) walk around in their underwear so much. aren’t boxers more comfortable? oh right, it’s the movies

japanese reality TV can be overwhelming — i felt it firsthand while in a tokyo hotel room flipping channels upon touchdown

ms lip-my-stocking is hilarious. the japanese are fantastic comedians/comediennes

‘you so gentleman, yes’ ‘a ring a ding ding’

coppola is giving us various levels of being ‘lost in translation’: from jp staff who can speak english to bob, to working with jp-speaking staff and a translator, to working with a jp staff who speaks english somewhat

i like bob��s working relationship with the second japanese director

bob doesn’t clap for the jazz singer; he gives her finger hearts lol. finger hearts in 2003

‘hello??? wiiiiiife??...john, you are my favourite photographer. i only want you to shoot me.’ BEGONE THOT

i’ve always found anna faris’s character endearing

charlotte’s hotel room is way too messy; i’m slightly triggered

‘we all have these different things in common’ does this sentence make sense? serious question

oh the japanese ladies instructing the ikebana class have such beautiful mannerisms

i now know what that hairstyle’s called: A CHONMAGE

charlotte just stares into the souls of the people at the arcade

‘but my dad was an anorexic’ ‘really?’ says charlotte with a wry smile on her face

i didn’t catch this before, but ‘the state we’re in’ by the chemical brothers plays when bob is getting ready in charlotte’s hotel room

they’re grown adults enjoying each other’s company and having fun without the explicit sex thing. bob looks uninterested in sex, which is cool

charlotte looking at bob, mindful of his modesty as he takes off his shirt to wear it the other way around. if there’s sexual tension, i feel it more on charlotte’s part

i’d love to have a friend like charlie brown, an old, sociable, westernized, artsy japanese man

bob playfully pulls the sleeve of the japanese girl’s shirt just slightly down her shoulder; then proceeds to do the same thing with his own shirt — it’s a funny moment because two people who don’t speak the same language laugh at the same thing, though i would feel very uncomfortable if i were her

i’ll always love the karaoke scene where the camera focuses on bob first as he sings ‘more than this’, then switches to charlotte and you can tell she likes this man. when bob meets her gaze, she laughs and averts her eyes shyly, before looking at him directly

scenes of tokyo played against my bloody valentine’s ‘sometimes’. i love it, and am heartbroken that this track is no longer available on spotify

continuity error: shot of charlotte when bob puts her down on the bed. her shirt is hiked up and reveals her stomach; in the next continued shot, the shirt has been pulled down and is covering her stomach

both bob and charlotte’s spouses sound like the world’s most passionless creatures

it’s 2020 and i still can’t tell if that was really an outdoor golf course

charlotte talks about her banged up toe. i get the feeling that scarlett johansson accidentally hurt her toe during filming and this detail became part of the script

i’ll have to stop at 60:00 and continue the rest tmr

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kindaklutzy · 4 years

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2019 Rewind

2019... ah.. what a year it was. I hit all-time low at one point of time in the year but thankfully it was road to recovery towards the end.

I started off the year rough - someone made me feel like I wasn’t enough. The same person made me feel like I did my life entirely wrong, that I was an absolute loser. I started to reevaluate everything in my life. I no longer knew if anything I did was right at all, although I always thought it was because I always followed my heart. He made me feel so small and worthless- like nothing I did at all was useful. I was just tired and hopeless. I could have sworn I was ready to drop everything in my life if not for the people who were suppressing my dark thoughts. I cried, and I cried, and I cried. I was in such a dark place.

Mid year came. I left the hell hole I was in but I still couldn’t pick myself up. I was sad and mad, but mostly at myself. I went to Japan with a group of old friends whom I’ve always held so close to my heart, but didn’t have time for as we aged. We grew apart because of our busy schedules. Through the trip, we got a lot closer and for the rest of the year, we became tighter than we’ve ever been. Shortly, I also went to Taiwan with my boyfriend. It was an absolutely wonderful trip. I felt everything lifted off my chest and I genuinely enjoyed his company. Throughout the trip, there were little distractions from the real world. Our attention was directed onto each other and the beautiful places we visited and fun things we did. It was a healing trip. The two trips were very much needed. At least for those times, I could rest and genuinely enjoy myself.

3/4 into the year, I found my uni timetable more flexible than before. I could afford to spend a little bit more time with my friends and a lot more time for myself. But I was, once again, consumed by the darkness. I felt hollow, like I have nothing left to offer the world. The worthless and hopeless feelings I had at the beginning of the year came back to haunt me especially with all the spare time I had on hand. I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. I felt incompetent. His words still rang in my ears. I shudder at the thought of what I had gone through, and I would have a meltdown when I remember just how exhausted I was physically and mentally. Because of all these going on in my head, I couldn’t sleep or eat well. Some days I could go with only a packet of biscuit a day. And even though I had the luxury of sleeping early- most days I’d end up closing my eyes and actually falling asleep only at 5am and waking up shortly after.

Then at some point towards the last quarter of the year, I decided I had to change something. I started picking up a healthier lifestyle. I exercised. But I still couldn’t find my appetite. Sometimes I even intentionally skipped meals because - maybe if I was skinnier people may like me better. When did I start having these thoughts? I started to fall for a boy band that produced music that were absolutely healing. I travelled overseas to watch them- and that was the craziest thing I’ve ever done, not in the year, but in my life. I reconnected with someone I genuinely admired, and was introduced to people who started to heal me (unknowingly) and my scars from the beginning of the year. They are such lovely people. They reminded me that I was on the right track and that I was doing fine. They guided me and showered me with support. For the first time in the year, I felt like I was enough. Then Christmas came. The same person who made me feel absolutely shitty at the beginning of the year passed me a gift through my friend. This forced me to drop him a text to thank him for the present. And when I did that- I told myself it’s time to put the past down.

To the person who brought me so much suffering in 2019, he may have thought (and still think) that he was helping me become a better person. But a good leader doesn’t just drop negative feedback on you without guiding you along the way or correcting you midway. His choice of words were tactful, but the meaning behind his fluff got through to me, and got the better of me. Even now I still cry time to time when I’m reminded of incidents in the beginning of the year. I still cry when I talk about it. It’s almost like I am suffering from ptsd. But things are better now because I’ve met people who actually value me and guide me to be a better version of myself.

If you have read the entire writing and got through till this point- you’d realise my incoherence. My healing wasn’t a consistent build up process. At some point I’d be distracted by the joys in life but I’d fall back, then at some point I’d think I feel better but I’d still fall back. Right now I think I’m better but who knows- I might be crying again tmr. In 2020 - I’m still fighting against myself. So this year, I hope to be stronger, wiser and kinder. I hope that I can redirect my focus on people who truly matter and not let any random person walk into my life and bring me down. I hope that I can stop feeling miserable- because it makes people around me miserable too.

But in all seriousness, constructive criticism is good. But being a shit person then criticising someone else and pinning fault on them for something they did not do is not cool. So if you found the person who brought me misery relatable in any way- please- just be careful with your criticisms and always reflect on yourself while getting others to reflect on them.

Cheers to 2020- I hope you will all find yourselves and your path in life this year.

#the boy band i talked abt is #the rose #raw thoughts #unedited #personal #goodbye 2019

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mem-en-to · 4 years

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I just have to post this somewhere. If you do read it please don't reply or anything to alert me that you do. I just have to assure myself of my existence. If you do I might just can't stand it.

It's getting worse

I don't know if this will be a one time thing or what

It might be the stress of starting the second week of university

or that I fucked up the dorm's microwave 3 days ago and still feel guilty and stress (since then I've been making so many mistake I drop the alcohol bottle(broke it), drop a glass of water(luckily it's a plastic glass), spilled the milk on the desk, spilled the smoothie next to the fridge, dropped the clean towel on the balcony(result in having to wash it), tripped and drop some clean cottonbuds(such a waste!), tripped on the way to the bathroom at 2 am and woke the neighbors up on a schoolday)

or even home sick from being away for a week now

or because I was staying inside after graduated and then the covid situation that make me(I chose)stay inside the house for more than 3 months straight(well, I did go outside like once every other week or sth, but I would always go with someone, mom or dad)

I've been dreading going outside since yesterday

I estimated how many food I have left and feel bad(no not bad as in guilty) about having to go out and buy more

I even considered skip some meals and ration what I have left so I could put away going out for even just 1 more day

And I did, I skip breakfast and ration the food

I ate a bit less so I could scrap all the left over for just one more meal

The thought of going outside turned my stomach and I feel tight in my chest

it made me feel.. disgust and a bit of fear? มวนท้อง แหยงๆ อึดอัดตรงหน้าอก

I'm not sure how to describe it how or why

I don't think its talking to people that make me feel this way

I think its just go outside in general? being seen maybe?

I normally would dread going outside for a bit but have no problem in doing it

I would just need some times to come to realisation that I have to(or about to)go outside

Like, if mom just ask me inthe morning if I want to go out this afternoon. My answer is NO. There's no bargaining, except if it is ABSOLUTELY IMPORTANT.

But If she asked me, do you want to come with me tmr? That'll be fine, I might say yes(but I say no more often)

I would have a kind of panic-y thougt and feeling a bit scared before actually going out, like while I was preparing(dress, grab things stuff like that) that is normal

Today it took me almost half an hour after I'm ready to gather courage and actually step out of my room

In that 30 minutes I kept checking again and again of what I have to buy and did I have my all things?(phone checked. wallet checked. mask checked. etc) What about my clothes?(check the mirror) Did I brushed my hair?(proceed to brush it the 4th time)

All the while I also pacing and kept on checking the window for the restaurant near mydorm

It's to see if there're many customers, if there are I would wait a bit more because I don't want to stand around waiting and making awkward glance, an awkward conversation would be better come to think of it.

There. It's not the talking that I'm scared of.

After I got outside I would feel.. tense? anxious? or maybe paranoid or something of that nature I'm not sure

But the feeling would go away soon, often around the time I reach my destination or when I'm doing my task(like choosing btw different brand of groceries or the like)

It's still good, this time

The feeling went away as I was walking around the shop but come back as soon as I got in line, paid and walking out of the shop, which is fine that's also normal

I also have to stop at the restaurant on the next block, I decided to eat there and have a take away for dinner

I chose to eat there because that would mean less plastic you know? doing what I can to help with global warming

Even though the thought of sitting there was a bit.. sick It was fine while I was eating

Because I was doing my task(things)?

But the moment I turned away with a bag of food and my groceries in hand the feeling started to crawl up my spine and tried to curl up in my stomach again

But It's okay I didn't let it

My dorm was right there I could see it

Only a bit further and I'll be safe inside my dorm

But Nooooo

The feeling cling to me

I push it down and didn't let it settle in

My heart was still thudding in my chest even after I got inside my room

I put my things away. stored the food. changed clothes while checking if I breathed normally or not(I did, breated normally I mean or at least I think I did, despite what most people think some of us do research about thingss like this even if or when we haven't been diagnosed as having something plus I did hyperventilated/had panic attacked before or, I think it was)

But after that my heart still wouldn't return to normal and my head is a bit light and spinny still(At first I thought it was the 3 flight of stairs I have to climb but it should have gone by now, I know, not an athletic person)

That was when I realise that there something different, something wrong this time

The nagging feeling I have had since I walked outside is this

I'm more worried and scared this time

There is something wrong

I don't know what to do so I typed this down

Normally It would help make me feel better

And It did, my heart stop beating fast and weird halfway through this

Like my other notes I didn't care much about the grammar or whatever, after all the purpose is to make myself feel better

All right a bit more on this notes

After I finished this I wnt and google 'scared of going outside'

I don't think it agoraphobia or sad that I have although I do have some of the symptomps. I mean I might have one of it but from what I read I don't exactly match with some of both, I'm not scared of crowd(sad) in fact being in crowds make me feel better, the more people the better cuz that mean the less would be looking at me

And I'm not scared of open space(agora) I'm okay with parking lots and I'm not scared of being left alone(agora)

Being with some one I trust would definitely help(contradict with sad but agree with agora)

I'm not scared of public place(sad), Library is one of my sanctuary once I settled in on the new one that's it, Everyone is minding their own business, I could tuck myself btw some old textbook shelves no one would come search and read in silent, peace. Or I could go to the working space, sit on the sofa or choose one of the table and no one would care even if I have 3 thick books with me and sit there for 3 hours straight. I could even strike up some friendly and relatively non-awkward conversation with the librarian on the counter when I checked out some books, there, social requirement of the day complete. Those days that I could do this is so peaceful, I was happy.

Sadly, I had gone to Uni library only once and checked out a book, I still feel a bit uncomfortable to go there, but the feeling of contenment when I get inside would be worth it. Just. Not today. Or tmr, we got a day off for mother day and I might go home with my siblings and come back to next week on Monday or sth. (We have classes online bc of covid)

And after the mini research I feel a dizzy spell hit me

It left me reeling for a few mins before I returned normal

It could be because i stand up too fast or it could be the information in my head that's there something wrong

I don't want to have it, sad, agora or whatever

My self confident/self esttem is shit enough

I can't satnd it if i know there sth more wrong with me

I can't be more of a burden to my parents

I want to make them proud I have to

I choose this path and I know they don't hate it, they even support me on choosing to study art instead of the cliche doctor or engineer(which I hate but is my dad's life I feel so fucking bad I should have like it, I should be better at it and follow his footsteps, but I already made my choice, sometimes I regret it but even if I could go back I wouldn't change it, I can't At least I probably could be a teacher like him, teach younger people, support them I love him, and I hate him I love that he isn't just a good father, he's a good person, a good friend, a good teacher, a good brother, a good son, he's so great I don't deserved him, not me, not my mom, not my brother, not his parents, not his siblings, not that univerity And I hate him, he's always at work when I was younger, came home at 8or9 almost everyday but I also love him because despite that he still tried to make some time for us I hate him because when he started to have less works and came home earlier it's when me and my brother are growing up wanting to stay out and spend time with our friends(I hate myself) I hate him because he's so great, has been since he's young, he's so intelligent and diligent he studied hard and he got scholarship in uni to US And that was 40 years ago how impressive is that? And after he came back with straight A every uni want him but he choose that Uni because they supported him when he needed it and he chose to stay instead of go to better uni purely bacause he's a good person he feels grateful and want to repay the uni, which has shit government I hate it I hate them, there's a few years he's so stress because he has to go to the court several times on several cases and could go to jail because of those peice of shits I fucking hate them If he choose to change uni our lifes would be different I wouldn't grow up there, I wouldn't have friends that I have, I wouldn't be the person I am today and I can't blame him for choosing this. I hate him because no matter what or how much I tried I couldn't achieve half of what he has done and still doing(I hate myself I'm a disappointment) I could have gotten A or at least B+ if I studied more on math, science and sociology, but I didn't. I could have beautiful skin and thin figure if I take care of myself more, exercise more, but I didn't. I could have spend less money on books and those trinkets and save a lot of money, but I didn't, I could have make more friends and get in with the better connection and reputation clique if I conceal some part of myself and pretend a bit more, but I didn't. I could have better resume if I'm brave enough to participate in those tournament and those candidates for manythings, but I didn't. I could have been a better person, a better friend, a better student, a better daughter, but I wasn't[I couldn't be] I hate myself I don't matter I'm a disappointment)

I fucking hate crying, It never help with anything except wasting evenmore time and make my head hurt make my throat hurt of how I hold my noise in and make my eyes hurt and everything's blurry and wet.

I just broke down and typed those long ass paragraph with tears for an hour straigh. such a waste of time I should have done some exercise instead. And now I feel like shit. I know I could still do it but I also know that I won't. I would save this note, re-read it again and again maybe add sth along the way and when it's getting late I would jusst take a shower and goto bed.

At least I've lost my appetite, no dinner mean less calories I take today, skipped breakfast AND dinner? At least that compensate for today exercise(maybe) But I also know that garigarikun in the freeze will disappear into my stomach before bed. I'm such a little shit. I'm ashame of myself.

you know what I could waste a bit more time. Typing this some how remind me of the time I have an argument with my parents in highschool(or was it middle school? the memory's fuzzy)and I had panic attack or at least hyperveintilated afterward. I can't remember exactly what started the argument but I remembered that that day I was having a bad day(worse than normal) the bullying that day was worse I don't know how I acted I just remembered yelling at my father who's stress from long day at work and the court problem, we were yelling(or at least I am) and I did what I usually do. I ran, to the bedroom. I don't(never)want to have a fight with my family. He didn't follow me this time. My mom did. She came talk to me, half soothing half scolding. Saying I shouldn't have yell, I was hurting him by behave like this and after he's tired from work too. She's basically tried to make amend. But in my head at the time she was calling out on my bullshit. Saying I'm being unreasonable. I know that some of what she said is true and I don't want to fight so I tried talking, I said something like you don't understand me, And I tried using some difficult words and lines that could be seen in dramas and such to make her understand. I poured my heart out I even consider revealing the real extent of the bullying. But you know what she said? She said I read too many fictions and watch too many movies and I'm being too emotional I should stop this nonsense right now. I still could recall the feeling when she finished and it get in my head. It's not the ice bucket being pour over me. It's not the fire of rage running through my viens. It's not an arrow straight through my heart, a stab at the chest, or a feeling crawl up myspine. It's blank. blank. blank. blank, blank,blank,blank,blank,blakn,blank,blank, I feel so, so empty. It's just how I used my words, how I tried to make her understand. And this is what I got? I remembered stop talking and stuffed my face on a pillow. She's speaking a few more things but I didn't listen. I couldn't. I was breathing so hard but I think she think i was crying so she patted my back and left. I was old enough to know that's something's wrong I wasn't breating normally even for someone who's crying but at the time I still didn't know what panic attack/hyperveintilated is. I just know there's sth wrong, but I ignore it, I was hurt. I was in pain my chest is so tight(at the time I thought it's because of the pain I was feeling later I learned that it's the combination of that and the pa/h I was having) My thought kept circling around the words she said, I'm being dramatic and such. At least after that I don't want to argue anymore. I came back to myself and got out of the room, more than half an hour later. (Times didn't only flies when you're having a good time huh?, I remembered thinking that)

I think the being emotional/dramatic bit really got me. I can't help it. it's how I'm expressing myself. So what if it looking I was writing some fiction/ fake the words to make it mmore dramatic? That's how I feel.

A breakdown and an empty moment recalling in a day? that's a new record. Normally It would be one at a time and not this soon after one another. Guess I'm really stressed out. I even consider calling some emergencies depression lines but after reading some review saying it's shit I decided not to. I would be in the way of those who really do need it(I'm such a failure) and I'm not good at talking anyways, just look at how tragic it turned out to be each time I do.

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nrlrbhh · 5 years

Text

Umrah and Ziarah; Allah is the best planner

Man, by only typing the title, i already feel like crying.

it was surreal. everything was like a dream. alhamdulillah, thummalhamdulillah, thummalhamdulillah. to be given chance, to be invited by Him, to be able to remember everything that happened throughout the journey, i feel blessed.

since i was small, to be veyr honest, when my friends were about to go for umrah, i didnt feel anything. maybe i didnt know what it feels like to travel overseas bc ive never done one. or maybe, i was too small to even understand things. it was all started after me being a travel-person, loving to travel to other countries and appreciating the cultures and everyhting. since 2012, it was like an annual thing for us to travel once a year to anywhere. one day, mama asked us to pray that we can go and perform umrah as soon as possible, and be determined of it. that day when everything hits me. when suddenly i felt the longing to perform umrah eventho ive never done even once in my life. i set a goal in my mind and in my heart, plus saving money all i could because i said to myself, i need to pay this umrah for myself, at least half of the price bc i am big enough. things happened, our plan was postponed bc of the election. the plan started in 2017, but only being confirmed after May 2018. everyhting happened so quickly. the confirmation, the documentations, the flu shots and everything happened so quickly.

until few days before the day. i didnt start packing yet up to two days prior. just then i start to talk to myself again lol. it is happening now. your dream is coming sooooo close.

bam! we arrived in madinah. first of all, the excitement was crazy. the feelings was jist too beautiful. to be able to step on the same ground rasulullah has stepped on thousand of years before. to be able to experience the surrounding the companions lived in thousand of years before. along the way from jeddah to madinah, our mutawwif selawat with all of us. i cried for a moment. i know this is the environment that i miss. i know this is what my soul has been wanting before. since we arrived at midnight, we didnt go to masjidil nabawi right after eventho it was just 50 m away from our hotel. we went up and rest, ready for tmr’s journey, started with qiyamullail. hamdulillah, first step inside masjidil nabawi, i felt so calm despite the crowds. ive never felt that calm in my entire life. mama lead our way inside the masjid and we sat together and perform our first prayer inside. big thanks to mama that already been there thrice, she lead us well and ensure that we experienced every beautiful moments.

days passed by so smoothly. it was our routine to ‘tawaf’ around the masjid after asr or isya so that we can remember every bits of the environment forever. since in madinah we had no umrah or other activities beside ziarah to other places by bus, we had quite plenty time to spend everyday. days passed by comfortably not too quickly. after two days, we felt so comfortable that it felt like already a week. everything feels so familiar to us already.

i remembered the last day we were in madinah, specifically in masjidil nabawi. we went to perform ziarah wida’ that afternoon. we stopped right infront of makam rasulullah saw and bid our last salaam to him and the companions, i read the du’a right there. it was so so sad that i cried while reading it. the du’a says something about dont make this ziarah the last for us, and if the death meets us first, Allah has witnessed our faith. it was so sad as if you were about to bid farewell to your beloved friend that you’ll never knew when to meet them again in the future, but this is rasulullah, the one that sacrificed everything, that sacrificed his own life so that islam came to us. thank you, ya rasulullah saw.

went inside the bus, we were about to depart for mekkah this time. at this moment, i feel like everyhting was changing. if in madinah, we keep selawat-ing everyday, now, we started to read talbiah together along the journey from the miqat to masjidil haram. it took us around 6 to 7 hours to arrive so most of us rest in the bus but not for me haha. i didnt sleep at all eventho i felt tired. maybe the excitement this time to go to the second of the haramain. i clearly registered in my mind the fact that as soon as we arrived, we’ll be performing our first umrah there, but still, i didnt get any sleep inside the bus. alhamdulillah, i dint feel too tired bc madinah was a very calm place for me, i took too much rest there yeap.

we finally arrived, thummalhamdulillah, our hotel was very very comfortable compared to madinah. i’d say 3x more comfortable. we took a 30 mins rest or time to prepare ourself before performing our first umrah that night. it was definitely a whole new experience. everything feels new to me. from tawaf, to saie, to tahallul. i will definitely remember this moment forever. seeing kaabah right in front of my eyes, when all this while ive been staring the picture only through monitors. subhanallah, at that time, i really feel invited, feel welcomed to be there eventho i was full of sins, eventho im a sinner.

our first umrah ended at 2 in the morning i guess. umrah can be a lot faster than that but since it was our first umrah with this trip, the whole trip wanted to follow our mutawwif instead of going alone or with families. so the waiting after each tawaf and saie makes it draggy a lil bit but we enjoyed every moment together. since masjidil haram was going through major constructions, most of us chose to follow mutawwif bc we afraid that the route might have changed a iil so we let the mutawwif showed us the way first.

there was four umrah sessions prepared for us all together. one down, three more to be done for those who wanted to do it. alhamdulillah i managed to do it thrice and voluntarily chose not to do the fourth one (with my own reason hewhew). every umrah journey was different. my first, second and third were different between each of them and that definitely teach me thousand of lessons.

every places we went for ziarah, mekkah and madinah, reminds us to every specific seerah. alhamdulillah, our mutawwif is very very excellent in telling every stories that happened in the most exciting way, so we could enjoy without feeling bored. from jabal uhud, to tsaqifah bani saidah, to manasik haji, to taif, and more, every places contain it own seerah. alhamdulillah ive learned most of them in school and usrah, so i could revise every stories while the mutawwif tell them to us.

i have lots more to write, but i think i should continue once im ready with photos included for my own future reference ahaks. thummalhamdulillah, the whole journey was very beautiful. the fact that we went to the best cities in the world, and to be accompanied by a great mutawwif, and a great whole trip itself that really feel like family, i am very grateful for having to experience the best first umrah in my life. i am targeting for hajj next, for sure, insya allah. but if there is any opportunities for me to come back for umrah every year, or any years, i’d love to do it. umrah gave me new spirit and motivation to continue life in 2019 onwards, and definitely lift up some of my worries and make me see the world differently. alhamdulillah.

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