#i liked making them come to me for once after ten Christmases of flying back home

[ghostjelliess]

We've been so many people together, I don't know which version to display at The Event.

#wedding planning #its been twelve years #it's just a party #but a very expensive party #and weve never really been the party type for long #we'll stop by to dance if there's good music #but were over here like two hummingbirds picking out a feeder: any will work #we wont sit at it long anyway #but there are real flowers we'd rather spend that money on tasting #but the truth of it is that we moved away from our families for good reasons as soon as we graduated college a decade ago and #i think all six of our parents want the validation of our wedding so they can happily continue to repress all the rightful reasons we left #why would we give them that when all we wanted for ourselves was peace and freedom that others dont have to ask for or run away to find #neither of us know who we're validating anymore so we're probably going to plan an elopement instead #we promised them a wedding but we didnt promise theyd be there and one of them refused to come anyway #i liked making them come to me for once after ten Christmases of flying back home #but now im just... I've been cut loose like a fraying thread and I've never been happier or more content. #there is no conclusion yet #there's just the feeling of apathy and rage #its brave of us to want to get married after them in the first place #this all started because picking out aesthetics was hard lol #i guess its time for another talk about how we want to be married but its annoyingly hard for two neurodivergent brains #we love to dance but not in the middle #we can do paperwork but the rounds of chores required makes us both pause #okay #im done now #this was cathartic

[claybefree]

A Letter to Josh Poteat

To be honest, I don’t know why I’m writing you this. It should have been the art I made for my ex-wife Mary in 1995, that she gave back to me in 2008 after I left her, that I later put in the trash. The art you told me recently got you working with shellac. It should be that I’m giving you, instead of this depressing thing about how I haven’t spoken with the oldest of my children in almost nine months, and the younger not since two Christmases ago. 

I guess because when we talked about it before, I can’t remember exactly, maybe you asked in passing, “How’s the kids?” and I didn’t have an answer at the time. Maybe because I think you’ll understand me, like you always did. I haven’t been sleeping again lately, and this is when my mind wanders to the man I read about who died, trapped in a cave, but I don’t want to tell you about him. It’s too awful. If I find my mind lingering on him, I get seized by a whole body panic and I have to get up.

When I first got sober and couldn’t sleep, I went to war nightly with God. My mind was a scorched battlefield, blackened, shelled earth churned from trenches to craters. These days it resembles Zone Rogue in France, given back to nature and forbidden, saturated with ordnance, hundred year old arsenic lingering in craters. The toxic woods, wild and hoary, haunted now by deer and wild boar, trenches filled in with vines.

There is this vision I carry, not quite of myself- An old man alone in a mouldering trailer in the woods, bitter, childless and insane. No doubt, you have known such men. When I first got sober, he figured heavily in my mind- I considered this an alcoholic death even if I managed to stay clean. 

It’s cold mornings like these- when I’m up early to feed the yowling cats, but again not quite early enough to manage to write, I wonder if perhaps he’s already arrived. I get on my worn out coat hanging by the leaky back door I haven’t fixed yet and head out into the frozen mud to free the chickens from their coop. The cracked tile floating underfoot like a shit-covered mosaic, and I remember to grab the screwdriver. I’m not using it to kill anyone, it’s to prize the eight little half-domes of ice from cups of their watering bucket. You know how this works. I always figured that, being a country-boy, you grew up with the same tales of horrors perpetrated against these birds, or else, like me, witnessed them firsthand. 

Summer gets up and I finish my coffee with her as she tapes up my sprained hand. I try to get out the door before her kids wake. To facilitate quiet conversations that have a better chance of happening if I’m not around.

Pointing the truck toward Southside, it’s crossing the Powhite bridge where it really starts to bother me. Likely because it’s this point on the other side of the bridge, I’m only a mile away from their house. I ignore the river, bloated and steel grey,  I’m looking for the nameless creek that empties into it there. I’m sure you know it, completely fabricated, it passes under Forest Hill and the train tracks. It’s cold outside the cab of my truck, but I’m not fooled by the last groan of winter. Studying the woods alongside the road, accessible as they aren’t yet burdened but the weight of all that green, I’m not sure what I'm looking for. Lost children perhaps. The sandy stretch where it emerges from snaking around behind the toll station is lined there with birches, flaking and slender, and shouldered with granite as it runs fast from a glut of late March thaw.

I’ve been going this way for a little over a month, filling a friend’s garage with sawdust from fabricating casework for bookshelves, paying particular attention to whatever happens to be going on with the creek as it seems to determine the flavor of grief for that week. Throughout the winter It’s been ever present, with me to the point I feel like there's something wrong, like a vitamin supplement I'm not taking. 

Even though it’s been a string of bad days, the garage is warm enough, and I’ve been doing this work long enough I can rip down material on the table saw letting sadness wash over me without worry of losing a finger. I pay special attention to the music I listen to, so that I don’t have to take time and fall apart. At the end of the day I’ll sweep the dust-pile under the saw into a bucket for the chickens. There’s a ruined tire from the Harley I keep filled for them to bathe in. Which reminds me I haven’t told you about Greg the Bastard.

 When Summer brought them home a year ago as chicks, they were unsexed, and as they grew, we inadvertently wound up with two roosters. Even though Greg is much bigger, he’s still number two and it’s made him skittish and unpredictable. Fierce Greg the Magnificent, Hen Raping Greg. He charges the dog as well as the kids now, and he’s even started to buck up on me. He stalks the yard like boys and men you and I have both known all our lives- insecure, large and dangerous. He doesn’t scare me, I’m more afraid the day will come when I will have to kill this animal. 

In my twenties, Liz King, who you might know, got me a job after school let out with a woman I won’t name here. Another artist, she lived in an old farmhouse down Jeff Davis Highway and had been sexually assaulted by a man there. My job was to help powder and paint the place in order to put it on the market as she didn’t feel safe there anymore. We painted the whole inside. Flying the back roads in her pick-up to some Paint store way out Hull street, she told me how the man had befriended her dogs beforehand and how he threatened to kill her if she looked at him. I don’t remember asking her about it, just the image of her long legs in cut-off shorts clutching and shifting the small truck all over Southside. I made it most mornings, except after getting home late from a Rancid show in Hampton, I was too hungover and didn’t get to her place til well after noon. She was gone, but had worked the whole morning by herself. Later that day, when I called Liz to tell her how I fucked up, she fired me over the phone. 

I bring all this up because she owned a lone rooster named Ajax, who hated me. Specializing in ambush tactics, I wasn’t safe anywhere in the yard from Ajax. The lady usually escorted me in from the gate, but heading out to the shed was dangerous. I can still feel him on the backs of my bare legs. Once, while rolling the living room ceiling and overwhelmed by the fumes of oil based primer, I stepped out on the front porch to dry heave a minute and catch my breath. Ajax heard and came stalking around the corner. Incapacitated, I cussed him, but head lowered, he came for me, creeping up the steps one terrible talon at time. 

Later I made a six foot tall portrait of Ajax as best I could remember him. Crimson comb like a child’s depiction of fire out of control, waddles surrounding the beak blazing and reckless. The emerald of the sickle feathers a cyclone of green. Hock, shank and spur a series of harsh, black lines. Very Twombly-esque, it’s still hanging in my dad’s office. Based on this one hangover, I went on to make work for the next ten years depicting the Battle of Troy as a series of cock-fights. Achilles the Terrible dragging Man-killing Hector through the streets of Troy. That sort of thing. The drawing I made Mary came from that run. 

I go home by way of the Huguenot bridge, because the Nickel bridge takes me directly in front of the house where my children live, which no matter how I’m doing, always threatens to cave my head in. If I go that way, I always think about stopping, and kneeling outside in the cold, perfect grass, with the thought if I wait long enough they might come out to see me.

I know it’s merely grief, the same garden variety of depression, that Chris Cornell said in an interview once was no less dangerous and could just as easily land a man on the end of a rope. 

But that is not my way. I’ll drive home to Summer and her kids, help with dinner, watch TV and bed by ten thirty. Regardless. And if I find myself lying awake and the void comes, I won’t scream into it like the old days, I’ll sing to it. I don’t know why, maybe it’s a lament. Maybe I think my children will walk out of the darkness and into my arms.   

[alsparaarchive]

𝑨𝒍𝒍 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑾𝒂𝒚 𝑻𝒐 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑬𝒅𝒈𝒆 𝑶𝒇 𝑫𝒆𝒔𝒊𝒓𝒆 / Alex & Sid

Date: February 1, 2021 Location: Alex’s Winter Garden home in Florida

Summary: A reconnection; Sid seeing Charlie for the first time ; “I want to make this work..” and “Stay with me... stay with us.”

Date Started: February 1, 2021 Date Completed: February 5, 2021

Sidney “When setting expectations, no matter what has been said or written, if substandard performance is accepted and no one is held accountable—if there are no consequences—that poor performance becomes the new standard.” With a nod to no one but himself, Sidney let the wheel of his rented SUV slip through his fingers, as he turned off the main highway and headed in the direction that Alex had just pinged him. Maybe she’d been joking. Maybe she really hadn’t expected him to board a flight from NY to Florida that night and show up at her door at some unholy hour for ‘coffee.’ The thought had crossed his mind. It was the reason why he’d slammed his phone into the car’s USB port (it took him awhile to find it) and threw on the audiobook he’d been listening to for the last couple of days about leadership… in life, in lov… was he still calling it that? He sighed and turned the wheel again. The traffic lights all going green as he neared them, because he really was the last one out on the road tonight. His phone pinged (again) and he told himself to ignore it. It wasn’t safe to reach for it now and truthfully, he was determined to just show up outside of Alex’s house and knock. If it turned out, she’d changed her mind or cancelled he wasn’t exactly sure if he’d have the heart for tomorrow’s flight back to NY and the game that was to follow it. So, instead of answering or looking to see who it was pinging him, he settled on the audiobook and listening to Jocko again, because maybe that was where he’d gone wrong the first time. He’d lacked accountability for the both of them. Which yeah was strange because when had he, Sidney Crosby ever lacked accountability for anything… oh, yeah right… when he got tripped up by brunette hair and the girl caught up underneath it. ‘You have reached your destination.’ Thankfully he made it through the gates relatively unscarred by the Security Chief on duty—turns out his name still held some sway down here, and he was able to use it to get clearance. Upon arriving at Alex’s place, Sidney turned off his rental and walked over to the big doors that seemed larger than life compared to his back home in Nova Scotia, his hand finding the doorbell and --- oh maybe this was where he should try texting and not wake her baby up. Pulling his phone up and not even looking to see if the texts he got might've been from her or not he texted, ‘I’m here.’ And waited. Hands nervously at his side, but maybe pockets would be a safer option…

Alex New York City, Sidney was in New York City for God's sake, he wasn't actually going to show up for /coffee/ was he? That seemed ridiculous but of course she left the option open in case he had actually been serious. It was early enough in the night when they had first texted but now it was late and Alex somehow managed to fall asleep on her sofa under her favorite knitted throw blanket that Trina had made for her a couple Christmases back. It was the loud ding of her phone that jerked the brunette awake, mostly cursing herself for forgetting to put it on vibrate after Charlie fell asleep. Blue eyes squinted at the bright lights of her phone, trying to read what the text said as her eyes adjusted to light again. That was until they went wide at the words she was reading. Here? Already? What time was it? Fuck... She didn't want to be rude and leave him waiting outside in the chilly February air but boy did she wish she could've ran to the bathroom first to fix up her hair and makeup, maybe even brush her teeth again. But it wasn't like Sid hadn't already seen her at her worst and still chose to wake up next to her and kiss her good morning anyway so she refrained and padded her way from the living room, across her 'grand entry way' which was actually far less grand than in the house she shared with Servando but that was neither here nor there. A hand quickly raked it's way through her hair smoothing out any frizz or knots that could've made their way into it while she slept on the couch and then she opened the door, her heart stopping in the process, especially once she saw Sidney on the other end. It took her a second before she could even say anything, her breath and words caught in the back of her throat until she rasped out a little "hi.. sorry, yeah, hi.. come in." Smoooth, Alex... real smooth.

Sidney The thirty-three-year-old penguin centre wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting; maybe a thumbs up, not that that was her usual emoji of choice but, seriously he needed to stop thinking about it… as he continued to stare down at his phone and ignore the feeling creeping in all around him that he’d screwed up here. Of course, it had been insane to just show up like this… no, seriously what had he been thinking? He forced his phone back into his pocket mad for letting some audiobook take advantage of him and mad at possibly jeopardising the team, because he wanted to fly to Florida for the night and see his ex-girlfriend again… Only, before he really had a chance to let it sink in any deeper… the door was open and there she was. The same as ever. Which was bad, because he really had wanted this to be easy… maybe a night where they could let the past go and talk about the future, a future where they could be friends. And maybe that was still the case, it was just, he kind of wanted to kiss her a little more. “Hi.” It was weird, because it wasn’t. A smile shaping across his face as he took a step—oh wait. “Hold up.” He ran back over to the car and grabbed out the small penguin plushie he’d picked up at some store in the airport. He’d initially wanted to get Charlie a proper Pittsburgh Penguin one, but the fan store had been closed and he wasn’t about to show up at Alex’s without a gift for her new baby. His mom had raised him with manners after all. Half-jogging, half-walking back over to her, Sidney held up the gift he’d bought, “had to get her something from her favorite hockey player, right?” It was then, as he stepped in around her that he realised that she must have fallen asleep waiting for him, her hair falling at every angle that wasn’t where it usually would. Hand reaching up, Sidney brushed a few strands behind her ear, “did you fall asleep on me?” his voice teased her, as his smile continued to grow a little larger with every breath slipping out between them… he’d missed this. He’d missed her.

Alex The puzzled look on her face soon subsided when she saw her ex holding the penguin stuffed animal which brought an immediate smile to her face. The gesture was the sweetest thing. "You didn't have to do that but I'm sure she'll love it, thank you." She took the plushie from him and looked down at it, still smiling, as he stepped inside. She closed and locked the door behind them and set the penguin down on the table she had next to the stairs so she would remember to bring it up to her daughter's room. Turning back she wasn't expecting him to be standing that close to her at all, her breath hitching when she felt his fingers brush ever so softly against her face and then behind her ear. Alex looked up at him and gave a sheepish smile at his question. "Guilty," it came out in almost a whisper. The striker had no idea what to do with herself in that moment but was quick to clear her throat and pull away to lead him into the kitchen. "Did you really want coffee at this hour?"

Sidney He brushed her words to the side, because of course he did… his mom would’ve had his earlobe in between her two fingers and pinching hard, if she found out he’d just shown up outside of Alex’s house and hadn’t brought something for her new baby— actually maybe he shouldn’t mention this to his mom... “And here I thought you’d have been waiting up for me…” they were playing a dangerous game… or he was and he knew it, but still he couldn’t stop himself. And it wasn’t like he wasn’t fully aware she now had a tiny baby only a few feet away— he’d brought the penguin, he knew— it was just hard to care in that moment when the last he’d seen her they’d been quick to push niceties aside and make up for lost time… “probably not a good idea… how about a water?” He followed her into her new kitchen taking it all in. She’d done a good job here. Though he was sure Pam had had her way more than once or twice… “so, you’re back…” Words he’d always wanted to say. “Have you ticked everything off you wanted to do since you landed…” he was fully aware she’d been back for awhile now, but she hadn’t been back in his life… and that was where he needed the blanks filled in by her.

Alex "Things are different now; remember how I used to take hours to fall asleep? Now I sit down in front of the tv for ten minutes and I'm out like a light. I guess doing the whole mom thing will do that to you." Her words rang out through the hall as she walked him into the kitchen, nodding in agreement with the suggestion of water. She grabbed one for each of them out of the fridge and walked back over to Sidney handing him the bottle. Alex leaned back against the breakfast nook counter and had to stop her arm after it had managed to get midway from her side to his shirt, the way she'd always pull him in closer. Not this time. To be safe she set her own bottle of water down and then crossed her arms over her chest and nodded along with his words. "I'm back," the brunette echoed. "I'm not sure I had much of a list but if I did then no maybe not now that I think about it." Not that she was going to divulge what those things were that she had yet to tick off. "What about you? What have you been up to?"

Sidney He did remember that. Of course, there were nights where that hadn’t been a problem… but he wasn’t going to bring that up right now. The bottle remained unopened in his hand as he nodded and without even realising he’d been doing it notice the space that was so clearly left between them both tonight. Even when they’d first met there hadn’t been this much space between them, but then again neither of them had known the full consequence of what would happen when it did manage to disappear. Wow, had it really been nearly six years since he’d first met Alex, at that bar back in Vancouver… taking a sip he distracted himself from yet another long-lived relationship he’d apparently failed to succeed at. Though, really what was success in the terms of a relationship? With Kathy he thought it would be kids…. With Alex… he kind of hoped it would be everything… he swallowed the water down hard and had to bring the back of his hand up to his mouth to wipe the access away, “uh… you know, just hockey… you weren’t…” he swallowed again, but this time there was no water to soothe the motion… “like alone during… like…” he wasn’t even sure what he was asking… he knew her mom and sister was bound to be there, but still… maybe it was the traditionalist inside of him that wanted to make sure that she hadn’t been completely abandoned either… “do you still keep in contact with Charlie’s dad?”

Alex It was a completely reasonable question, one that should’ve been expected, and yet she hadn’t prepared for it at all. What was she going to say? Not once had she ever hoped Charlie would wake up and start crying for her but there she was practically boring holes into the baby monitor sitting on the other end of the counter as if she could will just that to happen — but nothing, not a peep from the eight month old and she had to hold in her sigh. Looked like there wouldn’t be an easy way out. “Sid, I—“ she stammered, tears stinging her eyes but she refused to let them do anything more than that. “My family was there, I wasn’t alone.” She didn’t even want to get into the trouble she had while giving birth, it hadn’t gone nearly as smoothly as expected but Alex was nothing if not a fighter and everything turned out okay so there was no need to rehash that and worry him for nothing. She tried to find the words to either lie or be completely honest with him about the father but she couldn’t make either happen, all Alex could do was shrug and bite her bottom lip looking anywhere but at his face in that moment.

Sidney From the first moment he’d seen her reaction to his question, he’d found himself regretting it. There had a been a few times in his life that he’d seen Alex cry; like that stupid time he’d taken her out to a batting cage in Pittsburgh, and some idiot in the cage across them had clipped a ball into her head just as she’d been taking off her helmet to kiss him…, but that had been fixed with a trip to ER (she had’t wanted to go but he’d persisted) and a night of ‘anything you want… /anything,’ which she’d definitely taken full advantage of. And that was just it though… in the past he’d been able to fix it… now as much as he wanted to do something to put her at ease, he didn’t think it would be appreciated. “I shouldn’t have brought it up. I’m sorry.” He was, as he put the water back down on the counter and stepped in closer, because fuck it… arms wrapping around her pulling her in against his chest and holding her there— well, at least as long as she’d allow him to, “you know, you could’ve called me… I’d have… been there.” He hadn’t been sure. At least when he’d first seen the photos of her pregnant belly beginning to swell, but slowly as she grew closer to the date he had thought about ringing her or letting her know that if she needed anything… he’d be there.

Alex Her mind seemed to be spinning in all different directions as he pulled her in to his chest but of everything her mind was screaming nothing shouted at her to pull away and so she let herself melt into him, grabbing hold of the back of his shirt like that was somehow going to steady herself and anchor her thoughts back down. She might've wanted to sob but she didn't, she didn't even cry, just took a few deep breaths trying to ignore that each one meant breathing in his scent. To this day nothing had ever intoxicated her more which was saying a lot for anyone who had seen all the evidence of her being drunk for a good few days straight after the World Cup. She wanted to shake him, beg him to do the math and ask her if there was a chance he could be the father but instead she pressed her forehead into his chest, sighing. She almost said something but she stopped herself just before she did knowing it was better to wait until she knew for sure. "Don't," she pleaded in a whisper. Don't make her admit that she wanted nothing more than for him to be there holding her hand through the whole experience, that through every second of the complicated birth all she wanted was to hear his voice telling her she would be okay, that she could get through it and everything was going to be fine. That she and her baby would be happy and healthy once it was all over. Sure she'd heard it all from her mom but if she was honest, it just wasn't what she wanted, wasn't what she needed. Now knowing he would've been there, even thinking there was no way the baby was his, it nearly broke her. The striker picked up her head and looked into his eyes, her hand sliding up from his chest to his face and she rested it there against the little bit of scruff. She knew she was walking that very thin line but in the moment of vulnerability she didn't care.

Sidney The first time Alex had kissed him, Sidney had been completely unprepared. A piece of chewing gum lodged somewhere in the back of his mouth, needing to be swallowed up quickly in order to make sure he didn’t completely blow it and lose any chance he had at getting another one out of her later that night… who kisses at the start of the date anyway? Alex Morgan that’s who. Just not tonight. He watched as her eyes remained on his own. His hand now moving from its original position too. Only where her hand had found the side of his face, his hand had found the hot skin stretched across her hip… “Alex…” this was where he should warn her. That if she kept her hand there and her gaze locked on his own he was going to have to do something about it. But, just as she’d once done with him, Sidney decided to forgo the warning he’d had planned for her and do something completely and utterly insane, which was… kiss her. Where the four extra inches they only a moment ago had between each other disappeared entirely. Time was a funny thing and time without Alex had only made whatever 'need' he'd once had to get closer to her, much more urgent..  his hand gripping her hip just a little harder than it had before and his mouth eagerly trying to get her own to open up to it… she wanted this, right? He snapped back. Maybe he’d overstepped. Again. Maybe this time this was a line she’d had no intention of crossing… “sorry… I… sorry…” he needed to shut up. Wait to hear what she wanted, but his hands were already fidgeting… eager to find their way back to her. Though which part of him wasn’t right now? That was the real question.

Alex The way he was looking at her, the way he said her name, she had to know it was coming and yet for some reason the kiss felt like a total surprise. Shocked, it took her body a few extra seconds to react but before she could even kiss him back he was jerking away and apologizing. She wondered if she should just tell him it’s okay, not to worry about it, and quickly suggest they do something else to busy them but doing that, she realized, would betray every bone in her body, every organ and square inch of flesh. The first time she kissed Sidney was because for years it felt like she might burst into flames if she didn’t get to at least once and while she tried to make it to the end of their date, she really did, just knowing there was nothing stopping her anymore, she couldn’t take it. She had to have him. Much like right now. This time it might’ve only been about a year and a half but even one second without him felt like an eternity. Her heart still beat to the spelling of his name, every part of her knew who it belonged to and they’d all have the same answer — Sidney Crosby. She remembered right before she could respond that he made some kind of promise to behave himself in her kitchen tonight and while that might’ve already been somewhat blown she wanted to make sure he kept that promise while also somewhat throwing him off. The striker shook her head and took hold of his wrist. She lead them into her living room and pushed him back just enough to make the back of his legs feel the arm rest of the sofa right there behind him and then urged him to sit on it. “You said you promised to behave yourself in the kitchen...” she made it sound like she was looking for another apology but before he could the footballer had moved herself in closer, straddling his lap. She let her hands toy with his shirt a bit and just as her cold hands met the warm flesh against his abs she shocked him with something else, her mouth crashing back into his. “Maybe I don’t want you to,” her other arm hooked around his neck as she desperately pushed their bodies against one another’s, kissing him like she was so sure she’d never be able to again.

Sidney He’d never minded the quiet. Actually, Sidney was known for seeking it out… isolation, peace, serenity, yeah all of that… he’d take it over some stuffy room with music loud enough to pump your own blood for you anytime the choice presented itself. Only just not tonight. Not when the quiet meant he didn’t know what she was thinking. Usually he was good at that, working out what she wanted before she actually did— like, if she’d been running late for practice and he’d manage to pick up that cleat that had been wedged somewhere beneath the coffee table… raising it above his head for her to take without taking his eyes off ESPN. But tonight he wasn’t sure what she wanted. Maybe what was going on right now, was that she was taking her time to try and work out how to tell him to leave, because what he’d just done wasn’t a good idea with her new baby just one story above them… or maybe, hopefully she was trying to tell him she wanted him to do it again, and again till both of them loss feeling in their lips. The thirty-three-year-old Canadian had never felt so lost. Which was saying something because he’d once been in a car with Geno listening to some sort of Russian Rap thing of his and he’d been pretty damn lost back then too. He watched her shake her head and fought off the urge to sink into the floor that had suddenly turned into quicksand below his feet… right… a thought he barely managed to process before her fingers had wrapped around his wrist and tugged him forward. He moved as his thoughts began to jump off every surface inside his head like some make-shift game of Pong… ‘cause what was she… OH he let her guide him down onto the sofa like some sort of child (which was probably what he looked like right now… eyes big… mouth opened wide to question just about everything that was happening). Not that anything managed to pass through. Speaking had become a hard thing to muster when you had Alex Morgan, straddling your lap and her hands somewhere beneath the many layers you really shouldn’t have worn in the first place… so, it made sense that after her next set of words Sidney had stayed silent… his mouth instead finding another use— which was to push his tongue into her mouth instead. Lips moved quickly, as his own hands found their place… a hand on her thigh tapping slowly and the other slowly creeping up the back of her own shirt… It was probably no surprise to her that something had started to stir awake underneath her, because when had the brunette ever crawled on top of him and not felt that… he just wished sometimes he wasn’t so damn predictable with her… maybe he should take her back to the kitchen… but that would involving moving and losing that pressure she had against his lap right now… and he didn’t want that. So, predictable it was, as he took his hand back out of her shirt and tugged it up and over her head… his mouth moving away from her lips to cover up new skin (because this was definitely new) that he’d just now released.

Alex She had to stop being so easy, so predictable, but who could help themselves when it was Sidney Crosby's lips pressed against their own? She was willing to bet she was just the first in an impossibly long line of women /and men/ who would kill to be in her exact spot right now and what made her so special if she was just another one throwing herself at him? What ever made her so special to begin with? That she would probably never understand. The striker was starting to realize there would probably never be a time they didn't greet each other with such a hello and in a moment of so many questions she had no idea how to feel about that. Every time she had him inside of her she swore he took another piece of her away with him when it was all said and done which had been fine when they were knee deep in falling madly in love but like this? A future so uncertain? Could she handle losing another piece if he decided to up and walk away in the morning, chalking this up to them being /them/ but ultimately thinking it was a bad idea? Could she handle it if maybe she got lucky and he did want to work things out but threw that all away in a fit of rage after learning there was a good chance Charlie was his? She couldn't do this and let go again, she knew she couldn't but there she was letting herself get lost in his touch anyway. Alex had to fight back a moan at the familiar sensation of his hands on her skin. He'd have to work harder than that to hear those again, she was determined but it became increasingly harder when she felt him underneath her, the pressure and friction in a spot she wished made her less weak. Her head fell back, long brunette locks like a waterfall cascading down over her back and his arm. She closed her eyes and bit down on her bottom lip hard enough to stifle any kind of noise that threatened to erupt from her throat but her breaths getting heavier as his kisses crossed her chest, the rise and fall of her diaphragm, was probably a dead giveaway. Her hands found the back of his head as she let him rediscover her but there was only so much she could take before she was tugging back on what little hair he had making him look back up at her. Her eyes searched his as she leaned forward again, hair falling down to frame both their faces now and her lips crashed back into his but what was fast and hungry just moments ago she turned into slow, deep, passionate, only breaking their contact to remove both layers of his shirts. The soccer star pushed Sidney back on the couch and let them both reposition comfortably but she didn't dare move from being on top of him. She took both his strong, muscular arms and raised them above his head, wanting to pin him down but she did so in a way that had her hands sliding into his, their fingers interlocking and she squeezed tightly before lips found his earlobe, teeth grazing it gently and she let him feel her breath. She wanted to whisper how much she missed him, wanted him, needed him, but all that came out was a stammer of breath as she just barely grinded her hips down against him. Alex picked her head up again and looked into his eyes like she was letting everything she wanted to say pour out from her own. "Sid.." she breathed out as her forehead fell down pressing against his.

Sidney Sidney knew that at any moment, Alex could change her mind and this feeling he hadn’t felt since that party of her’s, where she’d ended up with a whole packet of confetti all stuck in between her hair, the same very party he’d also attempted for a moment to free her of said confetti; first with his fingers than his body, as he picked her up and pushed his hips into her own…  could be gone in an instant. And yet, he wasn’t going to let that fear stop him either… His hands coming up to the sides of her cheeks, pushing brown hair back away, so when she pushed her lips back to his own again the only thing between them was stale air… And there it was a sense of home that not even his house back home in Nova Scotia, had. He lifted his arms up next… letting her free him of the two layers he’d naively thought he was going to need tonight… before his arms wrapped back around her, as she pushed him back and he manoeuvred them both till it was only his shoes still hanging off it. Mouth still on her own, Sidney used his right foot to free his left, before doing the same to the other… the sounds of his shoes hitting the carpet beneath them both lost somewhere between him no longer carrying and the softness of it all. He’d have smiled if he’d been less worried— still half certain that any minute, Alex’s other half was going to step back through the doors and tell him he didn’t belong there anymore… a thought that grabbed ahold of his chest, squeezing back hard… because he wasn’t sure he’d be okay with that tonight. Might even put up a fight that for once didn’t involve two sets of hockey gloves coming off. Eventually he found himself being brought back to reality, when her hands found his own and raised them up over the top of his head, her fingers sliding in between his own next to keep them there… not that he’d have fought her… Alex having complete and utter control over his body wasn’t just something he was used to, but something that his body had been craving for just over a year now… The evidence that had been not-so-slowly building up inside his boxer briefs and the jeans that encased them probably all the proof he needed to give her right now that he wasn’t going anywhere tonight if she didn’t want him to. With her forehead pressed to his own, his name still fresh in the air (was it possible to only ever have her say his name from now on?), he pushed his hips up against her… hoping that she got her answer, but just in case… “give me back my hand… I want to touch you…” Bold? Maybe. He didn’t care as he pulled against her, before sliding his hand down between her legs and adding a different kind of pressure than earlier… his fingers fiddling around with the fabric as he knotted it up and managed to get his hand underneath just her panties… the breaths coming out of his mouth as he continued to move them against her, quicker than his from earlier.

Alex She didn’t let go of his hand but she didn’t fight him when he started to fight against the weight she was using on her wrists to keep him restrained and before she could do or say much of anything his hand was pushing it’s way past any and all fabric covering the one place she was starting to need him the most. If she couldn’t feel how hard he was underneath her she might be embarrassed with how wet she already was for him but it seemed that was completely mutual. Her breaths picked back up and she used her free hand to dig into his flesh at the side of his hip as she struggled to hold herself up enough for him to keep doing what he was to her. She had been so adamant about making him work for her moans but after a few shallow breaths one slipped out right as her lips found his again. If there was one thing Alex was sure of anymore it was that Sidney was her kryptonite and more than likely always would be. She couldn’t help but start moving her hips against his hand slightly as he pleasured her better than anyone else ever knew how. It didn’t surprise her that it took him no time at all to find that spot that drove her crazy because she had his entire body memorized as well. “Sidney...” his name again but this time it was a lot more desperate, begging for more of him. Both hands met at his jeans and started to undo them maybe a little too eagerly but the faster she had them off the quicker his hand could be replaced with what she needed most of all. “Please.” Her body trembled not only with the anticipation but with every other earlier thought swirling around in her mind as well. But she wanted... no, she NEEDED him especially after what he was just doing to her.

Sidney Fingers pulled against not exactly wet but not exactly dry either fabric as he continued to do his best to bring her close to the edge… It wasn’t that he’d planned to finish her off this way when he’d first put his hand down between her legs and took up his hold of her, but now that he’d had a moment to think about it, the thought had crossed his mind that maybe this should be enough for them both tonight. It wouldn’t be but he was trying really hard to stay open to the possibility of it, just in case she told him to stop because she still had some sort of healing to do. What was the timeframe on that anyway? If his head had been clearer he’d have tried to do that math, but with her mouth on his own again… he hadn’t got very far with the whole thing. Already forgetting about his plan to keep his pants on when she started to tug at his waist line… ‘cause okay if she wanted them off he wasn’t about to say no. Moving his hand from underneath her; already missing the warmth he’d left behind, he brought it up around her waist and rolled her underneath him… his nose brushing against her forehead as he balanced and watched her make quick work of the pants she’d just been asking him to get rid of. With a few awkward shuffles… Sidney had managed to pull them down to his ankles, his feet now taking over to finish the job as he brought his hand across her face, “you want this, right?” It was a stupid thing to ask, but he had to make sure… even if he wasn’t some sixteen-year-old kid and she wasn’t some girl he’d randomly picked up at a friend’s party. Sure there was a history there, but that was exactly why he needed to ask. Had to make sure that by sleeping with her tonight she wasn’t going to completely end up hating him by end of it. ‘Cause he wasn’t sure he’d be able to live with that.

Alex She could always tell when there was a shift in him and watching Sid carefully she waited to see if he would speak what was on his mind. She wondered if any of it came close to being the same as what had been swirling around in her head since this all started and by the time the question rolled off his tongue she realized he was just as unsure as she was about where they stood with each other. She couldn't help but let a soft smile take over her features, thinking it was sweet to ask. Just like before, her hand found the side of his face, being as tender as she could with him even in the midst of passion and while looking into his eyes so he knew she was sure, Alex nodded. "I want you," she whispered leaning up to kiss him to stop herself from saying anything more while her mind ran rampant with "I always want you. I need you. I love you." /That/ would've all been way too much. "But only if this is what you want, if you're sure. I'm perfectly okay if you just want to just lay here and hold me." And she was... she just wanted to be close to him in any way he'd allow. It still blew her mind that he flew all the way here, probably not expecting this in the slightest because she knew when he said coffee it probably meant some very awkward conversation that wouldn't end the way she wanted it to at all so this was so much better than what she had been expecting. Soft petal lips made their way back to his after her tongue ran over them and now her kisses turned sweet, tender, loving. He'd gotten every kind out of her in such a short amount of time. "Just be here with me," she breathed out against his lips and pulled him down, kissing him more. Whatever he chose to do from here at least he knew she'd want and be more than okay with it. She really never could say no to him.

Sidney It was funny but, Sidney was fairly certain, not even an earthquake could’ve shaken his soul as much as that whisper of her’s had just done... Soul? She’d been the one to make him put a name to it… a name that made sense amongst her family’s household, which was where he was at when he’d first felt like he was losing it… losing her… Only this time she wasn’t a week out from flying to Lyon, but underneath him.. telling him all she wanted right now was him. This wasn’t a tug… or sudden evaporation of air… this was a squeeze and one that had his body eager to kiss her back and tell her just how much he wanted her back. Only she’d pulled back away again and was making excuses for him to stop… he didn’t want to…, but he let her finish… falling in closer and sliding up around and behind her as she asked him to just be there with her, “I’m always going to be here with you, Alex…” it might not have seemed it, but really when had he really left her? Not really. Not in any permanent sense. Shifting back around, Sidney slowly started to build up the momentum again, as his hand slipped down and freed her legs from that last bit of fabric separating her from him… waiting for her to do the same with his own…, and then after another shuffle or two he was finally free from whatever kind of elastic that had the nerve to be marketed as ‘comfortable’ — just not when you had Alex Morgan, underneath you, telling you she wanted you… He felt her hot centre and wet folds come into contact with his own skin… and took a moment to slide himself a couple of times through— His eyes slipping shut as his mouth pushed up against her own. It all felt insanely good. Not just, because he hadn’t been in this position since the last time he’d had sex with her, but because maybe unlike last time this didn’t have to end again. After pulling his lips back, Sidney stole a look down at his hardened length; its tip lying on top of her… just a few inches from where he really wanted it to be… Hand moving down, he managed to line himself up near her entrance… eyes reconnecting with her own as he finally broke through… a groan slipping out into the space between them the moment he had, “Alex..." not a question... statement... letting her know... she was who he wanted. She was who he couldn't seem to stop himself from coming back to.

Alex It wasn't easy to take Alex's breath away but the way he just told her he'd always be there with her did just that. She wasn't sure if her heart stopped or sped up (was it possible to do both at the same time?) after hearing it. She fought desperately not to let all her emotions come flooding to the surface. Not now. Not yet. She needed him first, the rest could all come later. Thankfully it didn't seem she'd have to wait long now that they were both free from what was left of their clothing. The feeling of him sliding against her awoken something inside her that she swore she'd probably never feel again after the last time they'd been in a similar position. Everything felt like so much, the slowness making her feel every tiny sensation surging through her body and she wasn't sure how much more she could take. She was almost about to beg again when instead it was her name filling up the space between them, his body finally becoming one with her own again. Like it was a reflex her legs wrapped up around him and she pulled him in closer, needing to kiss him even more than she had that first date or any other time she felt like his lips were the only thing that could bring her any oxygen. Her lips worked tirelessly against his own until another moan and then a break of the kiss to moan out his name, her light blue eyes going a much darker shade with desire as they flickered up to look into his. Although she was positive he already knew, why else would they keep coming back to each other? Alex was so determined to show him just how /his/ she truly was. With heavy breaths she used her own hips to urge him to begin thrusting himself. Her eyes closed tightly as another moan slipped out, her head falling back. It was her first time having sex since she had Charlie and she always wondered if things would feel the same afterward. Eight, nearly nine months was more than plenty of time to heal and as she felt him get deeper inside of her she was beginning to realize it somehow felt even better.

Sidney If he’d been prompted for one… hungry is the word he’d have used to describe the way his lips had pushed back, after her own hips had started to move underneath him for the first time since he’d slipped inside. Yet, despite that… he had started off slow… and deliberate… which allowed his mouth to slip away from her lips and instead focus on the sensitive skin beside her neck and collarbone. Skin where it was all too easy to get carried away and leave marks that she’d have to complain about again tomorrow, when the light of day caught sight of them… he’d apologise later… right now he was busy. Hand shifting down her arm as he shifted slowly inside her… still the same…. which had him groaning into her neck and tightening his hold against her wrist… Now, more than ever, Sidney was reminded of the time between this and there last time… which along with her hips… had him moving faster. It was becoming increasingly harder to focus… his lips returning back up towards her face, where they were forced to clumsily meet with her own, as the groans started to slip out more freely between the air there in front of them… Was he making too much noise? Not that he could’ve done a thing about it if he had been. At least not when Alex felt as good as she always had and he was just beginning to realise why this had always been so easy with her… she knew him… every single part of him… “do you need me—“ he broke apart, asking her the question he wasn’t sure he really wanted to know the answer to, because if she said yes… he was going to have to really pay attention and right now he wasn’t sure he’d be able to…

Alex He wasn't playing fair going for her neck like that but if she was honest she hadn't expected anything less. He always knew and typically utilized every way he knew how to bring her to the precipice embarrassingly fast but tonight she had the excuse of being worked up by his fingers first as well, not that it probably would've made much of a difference. Her first always came pretty quickly with him, it was her second that she could withstand typically for as long as he needed her to. Her breaths grew more shallow and frequent as she felt herself clench around him, so close to the release and contraction of muscles. She wanted to scream out for him but this wasn't like any other time she didn't care much about who heard the loud cry of his name. She didn't dare wake Charlie this way even if she was too young to understand it. The footballer leaned forward and bit into Sidney's shoulder stifling a symphony of moans as she came for him. Once the orgasm was fully ridden out she released the patch of skin that her teeth had definitely just branded and laid back panting but still begged him not to stop knowing he still had yet to reach his own climax. She had made a habit of knowing how to make sure her second time aligned perfectly with his first so they could come together. Something she never cared about doing with anyone until him, wanting the experience to feel even more intimate between the two of them. "Shhh," she shook her head. "You're okay, baby. Don't stop." Her lips found his again and she continued to moan into the hollows of his mouth reveling in the feeling of having him inside her, hitting all the right places. Her fingernails dug gently into his back but raked down with just enough force to leave marks that would more than likely last the night but disappear by morning. Most of them anyway. "Sidney," she moaned out quietly knowing from more than enough experience by now that hearing her say his name always helped bring him closer.

Sidney When sharp teeth met his shoulder and bit down… Sidney almost saw stars… not because it hurt, but because at the same time, he felt her walls wrapped around him start to constrict and — it had just been so long since he’d felt that. It kind of felt good, to know he still had it in him to get her to that point again. Not that he was doubting his skills…, more so the emotion behind each and every one of them… they’d spent so much time making love to one another that now that they were here tonight and those words hadn’t been uttered between them, well it was different. He did love her still though. That hadn’t stopped. Even after their break-up… it was just… he knew right now wasn’t the most appropriate time to bring that up, because maybe they’d been some pause for her… maybe there /should’ve/ been some for him too. Opening his eyes back up to see her breathing quickly beneath him… it was definitely one of his favorite looks from her; not one he wanted to see her take out on the red carpet, but one that urged him to keep going in before her words ran through… his thrusts now getting harder and deeper and if he’d been back in that bed he’d grown up in, surely his efforts would’ve caused a few of his ‘signed’ hockey gloves to fall off the shelf from above and land on top of them.. and he knew it was impossible, but he didn’t want to stop. He wanted to keep going…. Keep feeling this good forever. Only just as that thought had settled in… he felt that pull… his stomach twisting downwards as he reached that point of no return. He wasn’t even in Dallas and yet that’s what he saw… stars… as her own name slipped out of his mouth in half syllables and he felt himself empty out inside her. His breaths coming quick as he struggled to keep himself from collapsing down on top of her— and saying something he really shouldn’t be admitting to in a moment like this. Not when he was sure she’d cast it off as some kind of heat of the moment thing anyway. Instead he let his hand slip back up to the side of her face, where his eyes studied… her own, her lips, her… before leaning back down and kissing her again. Softer this time… the energy inside him on some sort of mini-vacation for the time being. Shifting back outside of her… once the energy had returned, Sidney knew he probably should’ve made an attempt to wash up, but all he wanted to do was lie next to her… kiss her… and make up for the last year and a half… “can I bring you back to New York with me?”

Alex The harder and deeper his thrusts got the more difficult it became to keep her moans to a volume that was quiet enough not to be heard by the sleeping baby upstairs. She watched him somewhat unable to believe that it was Sidney on top of her and this wasn't just some stranger she was having to envision his face onto. Not that she'd ever done that more than the one time. One hand stayed gripped tightly to his hip while the other went up and touched his chest and his face. Her thumb ran across his bottom lip just as he gave her that look she knew so well and with it she allowed herself to become just as close. She felt the warmth inside her and her name, that was enough to send her over the edge a second time. Her second orgasm was always more intense and this was no exception, holding her breath as her mouth fell open, her head back, and she bit down desperately on her bottom lip to keep the scream to nothing more than an exhale of breath. He left her panting once again, her legs trembling underneath him. She knew she couldn't get up for a while even if she wanted to, there's no way they would work but it was a good thing she had no intention on going anywhere and seeing he didn't either caused her to smile. It all turned soft again, the looks, the kisses, and the touching. She laid there running her fingertips up and down his arm, kissing him between moments of getting lost in his eyes. She thought it too, so many times, she was so madly in love with this man, always had been, probably always would be... but now wasn't the time to voice that as much as she may have wanted to. "I wish," she gave him a look that told him she regretted the no more than anything. "Tomorrow is the first day of pre-season, I have practice." She leaned up and kissed him again. "But I want to see you again soon." Of course they'd reconnect during his busiest time and right as hers was starting to pick back up. It reminded her of why they ever said goodbye in the first place and her heart felt like it sunk into her stomach. Her cheeks heated up as she fought back tears, swallowing a growing lump in her throat. This was all it was going to be, wasn't it? Until maybe the next time it would happen all over again but the in between... it just wouldn't be there, would it? She turned away from him and quickly brushed away a tear hoping desperately that he wouldn't notice. She didn't want to be that cliche emotional girl to cry after sex, she barely ever cried as it was so any tears meant there had to be a lot going on inside of her.

Sidney He felt a little stupid now that he’d let her reply sink in. “No, of course…” he offered up a smile, well at least half of one before her lips found his own and he kissed her back. What he’d done tonight; the insanity of it, he knew he couldn’t keep doing and yet, when she’d said she wanted to see him again soon… he wanted to do it again… tomorrow. He’d never really been a fan of flying, but it was part of the job so he’d grown accustom it it. Just, it would’ve been nicer to skip the whole thing and just have her there in New York, but that would’ve meant something else and he wasn’t sure if she wanted that right now. It was just— soon, maybe that had been her just being polite. Letting him down easy that she was glad for whatever this was, but longterm…, that just wasn’t in their cards anymore. She had a baby now… and Sid, knew that Charlie was always going to come first. Not that he’d have it any other way…, but still that meant Alex wasn’t just thinking about them, but where Charlie was going to fit into that picture too. Outside of the few times they’d joked about it, the topic of ‘children’ had never really been breached between them.., so this.. this was something new. And something that Sid didn’t have an answer for. Caught up in his own thoughts he hadn’t even noticed the shift in mood (at least outside of his own) until he felt her twist and turn her head away from him…. was she crying? With his hand sweeping against her cheek, Sid applied just enough pressure to twist her head back around to face his own, his thumb brushing any hot water away that had started to fall… He wasn’t exactly sure what had done it. He’d felt his stomach dip when she’d said soon; where in his mind all she’d really said was, no point making plans when we’re not even sure what we’re doing anymore. But, what had caused this reaction from her? Time? Or maybe just the fact that he’d shown up tonight and they’d once again found themselves with no clothes on just like last time? And look how good that had turned out. He wasn’t sure. All he knew was whatever it was… he wanted her to feel better, “hey… it’s okay…” he brought his lips to hers. Quick and soft… “you’re okay…” at least that’s what he was hoping. He wasn’t and the last thing he wanted was that for her too. If she wanted him to go he would— if this was too much for her right now and she wanted him to leave… he’d go. “Do you want me to leave?” That’s what it was right? He’d just shown up and expected everything to just go ahead and be like it used to be… before Lyon… and it wasn’t. Not anymore. He'd got ahead of himself... again.

Alex Of course he would be sweet about her tears, he always knew how to be soft and tender in moments she needed it most but that didn't stop her from feeling completely pathetic for letting the few tears fall. She wanted to grab on to him, say no until her breath ran out, and beg him to never leave again but she kept herself composed and took a deep breath before answering. "No -- no, I'm sorry. I guess I just never expected this and it's all just ... a lot." The striker lifted herself and sat up after finally feeling like her legs could move again. Her hand fell to the back of her neck as she sat forward, trying to collect herself and her thoughts not wanting to say or do the wrong thing to give him the wrong impression and send him running. "I--" just as she started to speak again she heard the baby monitor go off, Charlie starting to cry. "Shit." Alex shook her head, giving him an apologetic look. "Sid, I'm sorry.. I have to go check on her." Worst possible timing, kid. She just sighs and quickly slips back into her lounge pants and t-shirt running up the stairs to tend to her daughter. She completely forgot the monitor was still on and even though she was whispering, he could still hear everything she was saying as she talked to Charlie in her soft, soothing mom voice that turned into more of a baby voice when she picked up a toy and made it dance in front of her face, trying to get her to laugh instead of cry. She picked her up and brought her over to the changing table where she quickly and expertly changed the infant's diaper, something she didn't think she'd ever be able to master but had finally gotten it down to a perfect science after one too many incidents. It was hard doing it all on her own but luckily she always had her sisters, family, or fellow mom teammates around if she needed help with anything. She didn't ever want to admit to needing the help but there were probably a dozen times by now she had to push her pride aside and call them up for assistance. Charlie was a relatively a chill and easy going baby but of course there were still those moments Alex might've thought she couldn't do it and was failing miserably at being a mother even if everyone always told her otherwise. Once the baby was satisfied with her fresh diaper and pacifier back in her mouth Alex took a sigh of relief and cradled her daughter in her arms, bouncing and swaying her back and forth hoping she would be quick to fall back asleep. She felt terrible for leaving Sidney right in the middle of such a serious conversation like that.

Sidney A lot. He could feel his mouth go dry. This wasn’t good. He watched next as she manoeuvred her body away from his own. With her legs now swung over the couch it was easy to see what she was trying to do. She was trying not to look at him. This was it right? This was the prelude to that conversation that somehow weaved its way into his dreams. Things would start off good— really good and then, this. She’d start with something like, ‘this was nice…’ and then would come the but, ‘it probably shouldn’t happen again.’ Something inside Sid’s chest tightened, as he sat up behind her and waited…. Only just as she’d started to say something— most likely something that involved him putting his clothes back on and leaving, Charlie’s cries broke free and put her to a stop. He nodded… ‘cause he understood, watching as she pulled on a few of the clothes he’d just taken off her and hurrying off to go and calm down her baby. Hands finding his lap, Sid did his best to stay where she left him, but something cracked through the monitor that had been left abandoned in front of him and curiosity got the better of him, so he leaned forward and picked it up. It was the first time he’d heard Alex with Charlie… first time he’d heard Alex with any kind of baby really…, sure they’d seen Geno’s baby when he’d been born, but even back then neither of them had been too involved. This was new. He listened as she quietly tried to calm Charlie down, before giving up and playing some sort of game with her… at least that’s what he assumed she was doing when her voice shifted upwards… She was a good mom. That was the first thought that entered his mind. The second was he hoped she knew that. The third…, he didn’t think it was possible love Alex anymore than he already did, but turns out… he could. ‘Cause there was more to Alex now than just Alex his kind-of-girlfriend. There was Alex the mom and she was something pretty amazing too. Moving to put the monitor back down, Sid rose up to his feet, before leaning back down and pulling on the boxers and white t-shirt he’d had on from earlier… he just had to see. Walking up the stairs leading up to the upper portion of the house, Sid wondered if this was a bad idea… that maybe, Alex didn’t want him intruding on her and her daughter and their little moment right now. He’d even almost considered walking back downstairs, but the floorboard beneath his feet had creaked and he knew she’d heard him… Bringing his hand up to the door he slowly tapped, pushing it forward as he ducked his head inside… “is it okay… if…” he could see Alex now.. swaying slowly back and forth with a little baby in her arms…, she seemed so small, so tiny and even though Sid, had never really felt comfortable holding them… there was something inside of him that would’ve maybe said ‘sure’ if Alex had asked him to. “She’s so tiny.” She wasn’t a new baby, but she still looked small to Sid, when he crept over and stood in front of her and Alex.

Alex Alex breathed in deeply, almost forgetting to exhale when she heard the footsteps in the hall. She knew he would meet her eventually but she hadn't mentally prepared herself at all for this moment yet. It dawned on her that this was the first time Charlie could be meeting her father, the first time Sid would be meeting his daughter.. /their daughter./ And whatever 'a lot' was before this moment didn't seem to come anywhere close. Nothing could be more than this moment right here. She swallowed and nodded her head forcing a little smile when he asked if it was okay he come in. Charlie wasn't asleep but definitely close and she knew Sidney wouldn't get the full experience of her yet but this little moment would still always be cherished regardless. It felt cruel and unfair of her to let him meet Charlie without him knowing there was a possibility she could be his but it was too late now, he was walking in and commenting on how small she was which Alex guessed was true but considering how much she had already grown since being that tiny little baby she brought home from the hospital it felt weird to agree because from her point of view it felt like she was growing so much and getting so big already. A real personality starting to form and certain features becoming more prominent, features she swore she could see so much of Sid in and it gave her hope, so much hope, but what if it was all just wishful thinking? One of Alex's hands found Sidney's back, pulling him in closer so they could both stand there overlooking the baby. She watched as he reached up to support the half of her body that Alex had pulled her hand away from to touch Sid and she smiled. She'd gotten more than used to the whole one handed holding in all different kinds of positions by now but still, it was sweet the way he was so quick to want to support her. The brunette couldn't be any more thankful for the dark room lit up nothing but just a small night light plugged in at the corner of the room. He didn't have to see the set of tears that was welling up in her eyes yet again. God, she couldn't remember the last time she felt so emotional. Alex almost offered to let him hold Charlie but the way her eyes were closing the soccer player knew her daughter was drifting back to sleep and she didn't want to jerk her around too much waking her up all over again. They had plenty of time for that to come, at least she hoped which made her realize they had yet to finish their conversation. Taking her hand back from Sidney's back she once again held her daughter with both arms, bringing her back over to her crib, laying her down as gently as possible. When she was out of her arms and getting herself comfortable without another peep Alex breathed a sigh of relief knowing it was safe to sneak back out of the room. She took Sidney's hand and lead him out, closing the door until it was left just slightly ajar. She never fully closed it in case the monitor stopped working or something. "I promise next time when she's awake you can hold her." She reassured him, giving his hand a squeeze, not wanting to let go. "Do you want to go back downstairs or do you think we can finish that conversation in my room?"

Sidney Whatever sense of surety he might’ve still had about tonight being more than what it was for them a year and half ago evaporated the moment he stuck his head inside Charlie’s nursery and watched her and Alex become one body. It was just— it was hard to watch them and not think that maybe there wasn’t any room left for him anymore. Of course, that was all before she’d called him over, invited him in and not just to stand next to her, but to join her… holding Charlie… together. Something twisted inside his chest, something he wasn’t even sure existed till right now, so putting a name to it was proving to be rather difficult, but whatever it was it felt kind of big. He was distracted, still caught up in all of it, when he felt her shift and move away… nodding his head when he finally let her words reach him… “I’ll hold you to that. She’s… she’s amazing, Alex…” Which made sense, since kids usually took after their parents... parents something stale grew in the back of his mouth realising that there still existed some other guy… some other part of this duet… that he’d have to get used to. What was he doing? Getting ahead of himself that’s what. He still wasn’t even sure Alex wanted him in her life again… and here he was already debating how he was going to handle knowing that somewhere down the line, Charlie’s father might make a reappearance. What if Alex was still in love with him? What if… his head hurt. It was running a mile a minute and what he needed to do was stop— realise that Alex had just invited him into her bedroom to talk and maybe that was a good thing, right? You didn’t invite people into your bedroom just to tell them to leave, right? He swallowed, “no.. yeah, that sounds good…” squeezing her hand back before shifting his fingers through her own. It was hard to let go tonight. Though by the time she pulled him into the room across from Charlie’s it seemed silly that he’d done that. Letting go, he stood in front of her, looking at her, her room, and then maybe a small glance over at her bed, before finally settling back down on her face… did she want them talk here? Or… “hey… come sit here…” it wasn’t his room, but Alex still looked pretty emotional and the last thing he wanted was her just standing there, trying to get out whatever she’d tried to get out before and not feeling like she could. Her bed felt nice and one he wouldn’t mind crawling in and sleeping next to her if she’d let him, but right now he knew he had to get his mind back on the present… “so,… just before…” he had to at least try and convince her to keep him around a little while longer, right? “I know neither of us was expecting that tonight, but was it so bad? It didn’t feel bad to me. I missed you, Alex. And I know it’s been a long time…, that things have changed, but I want to make this work. If you want to…" it was the most he'd said all night and still, he hadn't stopped... "we don't have to jump straight in... like we did tonight... we can go slow.. whatever you want." Just don't go.... is what he would've said if his hand hadn't already reached over, taking hers up and telling her... without actually telling her... that he wanted to stay.

Alex Alex couldn't believe all she was hearing. She'd sat on the edge of the bed next to Sidney, her legs crossed, body angled towards his and she listened, wondering if those were the words actually coming out of his mouth or if they were what her brain was choosing to hear because it's so badly everything she's ever wanted. Since the day she left, all she wanted was for him to come back and say those exact words, 'I want to make this work..' A part of her always thought that even after saying goodbye he'd try to show up, chase her and tell her he couldn't let go but when he didn't all she could do was beat herself up over it because why would she possibly let herself hope? How could he possibly have known to come after her when she so adamantly told him there was no way to make it work? But she always hoped he'd protest, insist they could find a way, but maybe they weren't ready then. Maybe they could be now. God she hoped that now they could be but if she'd learned anything it was that hope was dangerous when it came to them. "Sid..." she looked down at their hands and rubbed the back of his with her thumb watching for a second, realizing how right this always felt. How every time he was touching her she was home. And now here he was practically asking to come home which made all kinds of emotions stir up inside her once again. She knew she wasn't crazy for leaving that light on... in case one day he ended up back on the doorstep. Everyone told her he wouldn't, he was gone, it was time to turn it off, lock the door and move on but she never did. Every night, that stupid metaphorical porch light on. Now it finally didn't feel so stupid anymore. She didn't know what to say, all words eluding her in that moment so she opted for her free hand finding the back of his neck, pulling him into a soft and sweet kiss. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to hear you say that," she whispered pressing her forehead back against his. "You can always come home to me." She pulled him into another kiss, this time one more passionate but still nothing that could be misconstrued as hungry, just happy. So incredibly relieved and happy. "I want you to stay." She pulled back just enough so their eyes could meet, "stay with me? ... stay with us?"

Sidney He must’ve taken in a breath somewhere at the start of her response and forgotten to release it somewhere in the middle, because by the time she was finished, the breath he was eventually forced to let out— came out three times as loud as it usually would’ve. Not that he cared. The only thing Sid cared about right now was the fact that Alex, was going to give him ago with her— her and Charlie, and what else really mattered? “Yeah?” He felt his face shift, as his mouth twisted upwards, “your really want me to?” He wasn’t really asking her to repeat herself. He’d heard her and if there was one thing he knew about Alex, she never said anything she didn’t mean. Which, in the end, made it easy for him to lean forward and recapture their lips back together. There had been a few kisses tonight; unsure, hungry, and now… relief. Like, he could kiss her.. and just focus on kissing her…, a weird thought for sure… but when you’d spent the last few years wondering if every time you kissed it would be the last, you tended to lose focus on what really mattered. After pulling back, Sid remained close… his hand against her cheek, his knee touching her own, “let’s get some sleep…” it seemed insane to think that they were about to share a be together again… what had it been? Five years… he stood up, pulling the quilt down and folding it over twice once he had. Yes, nothing had changed there… He looked up his eyes catching her own, where he held them… if he’d been younger and more likely to be swayed that what was happening right now was all just a dream, he might’ve tried to pinch himself. Instead, he slipped wordlessly into the bed and waited for Alex to join him, sliding over and taking her up in between his arms once he had, “night—“ he said it, but a part of him knew that neither one of them was ready to sleep just yet and that tonight would be filled with hours and hours of quiet chatter… as they both did their best to catch up with each other’s lives… Did he mind? No… not in the slightest.

#( Alex & Sid: 002. )

[scribbles97]

Left Behind - Chapter 8

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6 / Chapter 7 / Chapter 8 / Chapter 9 / Chapter 10 / Chapter 11 / Chapter 12 / Chapter 13

Read On Ao3

Val stood as she saw Lucy approaching, unfolding her arms as she reached out to her friend. As part of their basic training for IR full EMT training was a key module. It wasn’t often that Val had to use the knowledge but when she did it never failed to scare her that it was all that could stand between life and death. 

When it was someone within their immediate circle, it scared her even more. 

“Hugh and Sylvia are on their way.” She murmured as Lucy pulled back from her, “Penelope rang her father as soon as we had them.”

She didn’t blame the young woman, seeing two close friends stabbed was enough to make anyone want the familiarity of their father.

Lucy nodded, glancing around the hospital hallway, “Where are they?”

“Both Tanusha and Kyrano are in surgery. Penny is in the bathroom getting washed and I imagine calming herself down.” 

The young blonde had been the face of composure when she had arrived, but Val knew the girl well, had spent christmases and birthdays and summer holidays with her for plenty of years. She knew when the composure was simply a mask though, could see the cracks running underneath the facade that perhaps only a few others would. 

“She took it hard?” Lucy frowned, “This won’t have been their fault.”

“I doubt it,” Val agreed quietly, “She’ll just be frustrated, I don’t think they’ve had a mission yet turn quite so sour.”

Lucy nodded in understanding, her face twisting as she blinked hard, “I told her I thought Kyrano was going to do something dangerous.”

Val wanted to ask Lucy what the hell she was thinking. Kyrano was an experienced man in his field. Kayo and Penelope barely had ten years of real experience between them. Not that she didn’t see the other woman’s point. Both knew what had happened after the death of Kayo’s mother, both could imagine how far Kyrano would go to protect his daughter and those he held dear. 

Even if it meant losing them in the process. 

“We can’t let him slip back to where he was after Onaha died,” She murmured softly, “We’d lose him for good this time.”

Lucy pursed her lips, “He blames himself because of the tie to Gaat. It was him that did this, to his own brother Val. What would he do to Tanusha if he got near her?”

Resting her hands on her shoulders, Val looked Lucy in the eye, “We won’t let that happen. I’ll make sure of it.”

Lucy ran her hand though her hair as she glanced around the space again with a sigh, “I need to sort security, get a team in here.”

“Already sorted it sis,” Lee’s voice called from behind Val, “Got his best people flying in from New York tonight. They’ll be here in a matter of hours.”

“Best team?” Val raised an eyebrow as she turned to him, glancing to Penelope at his side, “Who’d you figure that was then?”

Penelope shrugged as she looked between them, “Kyrano is like family, he’d only let his top people escort any of you, Tia, Jude and Pedro.”

She had to admit she probably wasn’t wrong. The trio were usually assigned to the boys when required, it only made sense that they would be the best to protect Kyrano and his daughter. 

“Thanks Lee, Penny,” Lucy smiled briefly towards them, eyes tired as she glanced to Val, “You two should get back. The boys are flying out later so we’ll be crowded enough then.”

Val raised an eyebrow, unconvinced that that was the real issue going on. 

“Lee fly home, I’ll follow on once the boys are here.”

“Val--” Lucy went to protest, only to be cut off by her brother.

“I’m with Val here Luce, Hugh’s going to have some choice words when he gets here, I think you’ll need all the back up you can get.”

It wasn’t the reason Val had been thinking of, she was more concerned about what Kyrano was going to say about being tailed by his own daughter. Lucy was under stress as it was, trying to find her new normal with the boys. She worried that knowing it was her suggestion for Kayo to follow her father could be the final straw. 

“Are you waiting for Ms and Mister Kyrano?” An older woman in dark green scrubs approached them.

Val turned and nodded, gesturing to Lucy, “This is Ms Kyrano’s godmother.”

Stepping back she watched as Lucy shook the doctors hand. Lee quietly stepped up next to her nodding towards the exit, making his intention to slip away clear. She nodded, only half paying attention to him as she listened to the doctors update. 

Something in her chest loosened as the doctor confirmed both were stable, that Kayo was recovering from her surgery and would be free for visitors soon. 

“I’m afraid I can’t say more about Kyrano’s condition as I have not attended to him myself. I have been assured though that you will receive an update as soon as he is in recovery.”

The comment put her less at ease, for all they said he was stable, it seemed hard to believe until he was out of surgery. Val knew all too well what could go wrong behind the closed doors of an operating theatre. Perhaps it was simply being in the hallway of a trauma ward that had her quite so on edge. 

“So we can see Tanusha now?” Lucy asked, “Is she awake?”

The doctor turned, gesturing down the hallway, “Right this way.”

Val didn’t hesitate in following Lucy to the quiet side room, secluded, private, everything that the security specialist would approve of.

Kayo was sat up in the bed, pale, and clearly not quite with it as her eyes rested half shut and her head leant back into the pillows. 

“Hey,” Lucy murmured, “How’re you doing Tan?”

Val paused in the doorway, hand resting on Penelope’s shoulder to stop her from rushing forward as Kayo looked to Lucy. She looked down to the younger woman, eyebrow raised, “You okay Pen?”

She nodded, lips pursed as she sighed, “Yeah. Just… I don’t know.”

Squeezing her shoulder, Val nodded silently, “First time it’s come this close for you?”

The young woman nodded again, her voice barely a whisper as she nodded, “Yeah.”

Wrapping an arm around her shoulders Val swallowed, remembering well the feeling of coming quite so close to losing someone on a mission. 

“Pen?” Kayo whispered, “You ‘kay?”

Val released the shoulder she had been holding, letting Penny step forward into the room to take Kayo’s hand.

“Have you seen yourself in the last hour?” Penny teased as Val followed her further into the room. 

Kayo snorted, her lips curling up briefly, “Tis but a flesh wound M’lady.”

“Don’t belittle it Kay,” Val shook her head, “Wear your scars with pride.”

She ignored Lucy’s snort from where she sat by Kayo’s head, knowing exactly what it meant. 

The saying had come from her after all. 

“Is Dad…” She sighed, eyes darting around the room, landing back on Lucy. 

“He’s still in surgery Tan,” Lucy murmured, “They’ll let us know once he’s out.”

Green eyes jumped to Penelope, Kayo licked her lips as she swallowed, nodding slightly towards Lucy as she watched the blonde. She knew the gesture, had used it in one of her and Lucy’s many private conversations. 

“Tell them,” She whispered, still watching Penny.

There was a hesitation in Penny’s eyes as she held Kay’s gaze and Val wondered just what had gone on before she had arrived on the scene with Lee. 

“It was a set up for Kyrano.” Penny murmured, “We watched him walk right into it and let it happen, like he wasn’t expecting it. If we hadn't been there to follow…” She trailed off, letting the possibilities of what could have happened hang in the air. 

“Tried to kill him,” Kayo breathed, “So we intercepted.”

Penny looked between them, china blue eyes wide and young, “We think he had a plan, and perhaps we got in the way.”

Lucy was quick to shake her head before Val could speak, “Regardless, you saved his life. That’s worth more than any plan right now.”

Kayo sniffed as she shook her head, “He’s going to be mad at me.”

Val frowned, stepping forward to touch Kay’s leg, “What makes you think that?”

Her eyes were watering as she looked to her, lips pursed tightly as she shook her head again, clearly trying to blink away the tears that had formed. A glance to Lucy confirmed that she also hadn’t expected tears from the young woman, anger at herself was more Kayo’s thing. Val wasn’t sure she had seen her cry since her mother’s death, even then it had been brief and behind closed doors. 

“I screwed up.” She whispered, eyes distant, “He taught me everything I know, and I still screwed it all up.”

A glance to the array of instruments at her side, confirmed what Val had suspected. Kayo would never make the admission that she screwed up outloud, but it seemed that the drugs in her system had lowered her defences. 

“Kay,” Penny protested softly, “You did everything by the book, and then more. I was there, I saw everything. You didn’t screw up.”

Lucy was standing over her, one hand reaching up to brush through Kayo’s dark hair, eyes watching her carefully.

“You’re tired Tan,” She murmured, “It’s been a crazy day. Why don’t you go to sleep and I’ll wake you up when your Dad’s out of theatre?”

Everything on Kayo’s face was screwed up, trying to hide the emotion she had let slip even as she nodded quickly. 

“You go to sleep.” Lucy repeated softly, “It’s alright now.”

A few more moments of quiet murmurings and stroking her hair was enough to settle the young woman as her features slackened and settled. 

Looking to Lucy, Val shook her head, the two girls in the room were still so young. Much like Lucy’s boys they had gone through far too much in their short lives, both losing their mothers, both going weeks without seeing their fathers, both thrust into a world of espionage and secrets. They both claimed they loved their lives, Val had seen the way their faces lit up when offered a task utilising their skills, but she knew that neither knew anything any different. It was what their fathers did, and it was what they had blindly followed them into. 

“Mrs Tracy?” A doctor stepped through the door, followed closely by Parker, “Mr Kyrano is asking after you. He’s just next door.”

“I’ll stay with her.” Penelope offered quietly.

“H’and I’ll stay with M’Lady.” Parker added, “You ladies see to Mister Kyrano, h’and make sure he’s alright.”

Lucy nodded, pulling away from Kayo as she straightened, “Thank you Parker.”

#thunderbirds are go #Thunderbirds 2015 #Thunderbirds AU #Lucy AU #Lucille Tracy #Aunt Val #kayo kyrano #Kyrano #Lee Taylor #Lady Penelope #parker

[volturialice]

three christmases

last fic of the decade? last fic of the decade! 

this is part 1/3. had planned to release all 3 parts together but then a huge unsaved chunk got deleted (oops.) parts 2 and 3 will be up tomorrow!

summary: three very different christmases in the life of alice cullen.

rating: mature (but this part is gen. mature stuff later)

pairings: alice cullen/jasper hale

length: 1.3k out of ~6k

part 1/3

i. christmas 1919

He appears at her window at half past ten. The air is chilly enough to raise gooseflesh on the exposed back of her neck as he whisks her away, through the grounds, over the wall, and into the forest—but Alice doesn’t complain. She lives for these nighttime jaunts. She focuses on keeping the little bottle hidden from Aslam, though of course he’s noticed that she’s holding on with one arm instead of the usual two.

“Something wrong, child?” he asks, when at last they reach their clearing. He sets her down, eyeing the arm concealed behind her back with amused suspicion.

Alice laughs. “No. I brought you a present.” With a flourish, she produces the tin, offering it to him. He takes it, turning it over in his weathered stone hands.

“Shoe polish?” his voice is amused.

Alice crosses her arms. “There are only so many things I get the chance to steal. It was this or a hunk of stale bread,” she pouts.

Aslam’s laugh rumbles through the clearing. “You are right,” he chuckles. “I have more use for shoe polish. Do not misunderstand, little one—I am grateful for the gift. Only confused as to the occasion.”

Alice plucks up a handful of twigs, tossing them into the ashy remains of the fire from last time. “It’s Christmas!”

Aslam blurs out of sight for a moment, then reappears with his arms full of sticks. “Ah. Is it indeed? Your countrymen set much store by this holiday, I have observed. The traditions are…strange.”

“I suppose many traditions are, if you didn’t grow up with them,” says Alice, taking the sticks and adding them to the pile. “But I could explain Christmas, if you want.”

“Very well, child. What do you remember?”

“Well,” Alice chews her lower lip thoughtfully, “The dull part was going to church. I never liked sitting still for all that time.”

Aslam is piling up more kindling. He darts away for more dead branches, but Alice doesn’t doubt that he’s still listening, even when he’s out of sight.

“What did you like?” he asks, reappearing again.

“I liked all the singing,” explains Alice, and hums a few bars of “It Came Upon the Midnight Clear.”

Aslam smiles. He has a wonderful grin. When his red eyes crinkle up at the corners, they transform the austere handsomeness of his face into something almost approachable.

“What else?” he prompts.

“I liked decorating the house. There are all sorts of ways—most anything can be turned into a decoration, if you use it right. I’m good with a needle, so I made a lot of cranberry garlands.”

“Red berries, on a string? I have seen those,” observes Aslam, “and wondered at their purpose.”

“They don’t have one!” laughs Alice. “But I think they look festive. The best decorations are pine boughs, though. They made the house smell divine. And the tree. I liked smelling the tree.”

Aslam pulls a matchbox from his pocket, and strikes one. “Ah, yes, the tree. Does the tree have a purpose?”

Alice shrugs. “It’s something else to decorate. I always wanted to put the star at the top, but I was never tall enough.”

In the light of the single match, Aslam looks contemplative. His red eyes flicker from Alice to the wavering flame before he blows it out with a decisive huff. The next second, he’s on his feet, offering her a hand up.

“All right, little one,” he says, turning away and sinking into a crouch. “Climb on.”

Alice obeys. “Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

He runs and runs, for what must be miles—much farther than usual. The cool air whooshes past Alice’s face, colder at this speed—she shivers and shrinks down against Aslam’s back, out of the wind. If only he had body heat. If only Alice didn’t have body heat. If only she were strong enough, fast enough, to run beside him.

It Came Upon the Midnight Clear is still running through her head, so after a while she picks it up again, hums the rest of it to herself. Aslam doesn’t mind; he likes to hear her sing. Once he taught her a song in Hindavi. She hums that one next, and thinks it makes him smile but it’s hard to tell from her perch on his back.

The trees that blur by grow taller, the branches overhead thickening until they blot out the patches of sky. Aslam’s fleet footsteps fall silent as the dry leaves and underbrush give way to a carpet of pine needles. There’s a heavy scent in the air—pine sap, crisp and fresh and pungent, searing the inside of Alice’s nose. It smells like being clean.

Aslam whips to a stop at the base of what must be the tallest tree in the forest, its trunk almost broader than he is tall. “Close your eyes and hold on tight,” he orders, and then they’re flying again, nearly as fast, except this time the swooping sensation in the pit of Alice’s stomach tells her they’re climbing up.

There’s the lightest of rustling sounds as they stop. “Very well,” says Aslam. “Open your eyes.”

Alice does, and blinks in the sudden wash of blue brilliance. They’re so high up that there’s nothing to come between them and the moon, the heavens. The sky spreads out like a great glittering bowl above them, every star clear as a diamond in the crisp winter air. Below them the forest canopy is a dark ocean, pointy conifer tops stretching on for miles in every direction.

Gingerly, Alice relaxes her grip enough to climb down onto a branch, careful not to scrape her feet on the rough bark. From here, tucked against the trunk, the view is spectacular.

“There you are,” says Aslam. “Pine boughs, and a tree with a star at the top.” He points up, to where a bright bluish star shines almost directly above them.

Alice laughs, craning her neck to look up. “Lots of stars! You’ve spoiled me.”

They stay there for a long time, soaking in the view and the scent and each other’s company until Alice’s fingers start to go numb around her branch. Then she has to close her eyes again as Aslam descends in a single bound, the exhilarating rush of the fall making her giggle.

On the run back to their clearing, he tells her in a low voice about the stars they were looking at, and how the people where he comes from believe they govern fate. “You would be very popular there, with your dreams,” he assures her. “Your gift would be cherished for what it is.”

There’s a longing in his voice when he says it. He wants greater things for her, even if he doesn’t have a plan yet.

Alice switches the subject back to traditions when they reach their clearing and coax the fire to life, asking Aslam about the holidays they celebrate in India. Between all the different religions and cultures, there seem to be a great many—he tells her of prayers and fasting, dances and feasts, candles and colorful artworks made from powder and petals. She falls asleep to the tale of a great demon burned in effigy, imagining as her eyelids drift closed that she can see a faint figure twisting in the flames.

She dozes dreamlessly, warmed through by the fire. Aslam watches her with eyes redder than the blaze, and thinks about the stars, and fate, and the frailty of humans—their narrow minds, their fickle hearts, their brittle bodies crumbling beneath his hands—so fragile. Not like this girl, whose resilience runs deep. He feels—no, he knows, with all the conviction of one who has lived for centuries—she isn’t meant to be human.

“Happy Christmas, little one,” he murmurs. His decision is made, at long last.

Alice does not wake, but begins to dream.

.

stay tuned for part 2: the dream (we’re doing like a cloud atlas nested story thing just go with it)

#fic: mine #twilight fanfiction #alice cullen #jalice #alice's creator #three christmases #yes the title is lowkey a riff on Four Christmases but it has nothing to do with that #it's such an unedited mess but i'm throwing it out here #so far I like part 2 better so that's fun

[bechloeislegit]

25 Days of BeChloe Christmases

DAY 12 - MISS YOU MOST (AT CHRISTMAS TIME)

Author's Prompt: Beca and Chloe had been together for almost a year and living together in L.A. when Chloe got a job offer working as the Curator at an Art Gallery in London, England; Beca became a popular and famous solo music artist. They broke up so Chloe could pursue a once-in-a-lifetime career opportunity in London; Beca remained in L.A. Three years later, Beca is a Grammy award-winning artist, and it's almost Christmas time.

Beca smiled at the photograph she had been holding for the better part of an hour. She wiped at the tears that always came to her eyes as she thought about the girl in the picture. It's been three years since they parted and a day hasn't passed that she hasn't thought about her.

"Oh, my God, Beca," Chloe called out as soon as she entered their L.A. apartment. "You'll never believe what happened to me today."

"From the way your acting, it was something exciting I assume."

"It's the most exciting thing ever." Chloe was practically gushing. "I was offered the job as curator for the National Gallery in London."

"London? As in London, England?"

"Um, yeah."

Chloe looked nervous, and Beca felt tears spring to her eyes because she had a feeling she knew where this was going.

"So, is this where we talk about it or where you tell me you already accepted and your moving to London?"

Chloe walked over and took Beca's hands in hers.

"Beca, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity."

Beca pulled her hands away and stepped back from Chloe.

"So, you're moving. When?"

"They want me to start as soon as possible."

"What does this mean for us?"

"Becs, I'll be in London but-"

Beca put up her hand. "Stop. I got it. Congratulations on the new job." Beca stood and walked to the door. "I'll stay at Amy's until you've moved out."

"No, Beca." Chloe ran over to stand in front of the door to keep Beca from leaving. "Listen to me, please."

"I think we should just make a clean break of it. I wish you the best."

"No, Beca, we can-"

Beca pushed Chloe aside and walked out the door; she didn't look back. Over the next few days Chloe tried texting and calling, but Beca wouldn't answer. Beca deleted texts and voicemails without reading or listening to any of them. Amy told her that Chloe came by the apartment a few times, but Beca wasn't there. After a week, Amy told her that Chloe was leaving in two days and that Aubrey was hosting a going away party for Chloe and she wanted Beca to be there.

Beca felt she had already said goodbye; had made a clean break of it and didn't want to go through the pain of seeing Chloe happy about moving away, so she spent the night at the studio on the night of the party.

Beca wiped the tears that were streaming down her face and put the picture back in its proper place. She missed Chloe most days, but it was almost painful how much she missed her at this time of year. That's why for the past three years she's always made sure she was touring, so she didn't have time to think about it.

Christmas without Chloe was the worst.

~25 Days~ ~25 Days~ ~25 Days~ ~25 Days~

Beca stood staring out the hotel window at the Paris lights when Stacie walked over to her.

"You ready?"

Beca looked at Stacie and smiled. "As ready as I'll ever be."

Beca grabbed the garment bag that held her outfit she was going to wear for her concert. She was returning to do another Christmas show for the troops at the Citadel in Paris where it all began for her.

This was where she was introduced to the world as a solo artist when DJ Khaled had seen something in her and signed her to his label. This was where she finally told Chloe how she felt and Chloe had reciprocated those feelings.

Beca was quiet on the ride to the Citadel. Once there, she and Stacie gathered her stuff and found her dressing room. Stacie plopped down on the couch that was provided and took out her phone.

"I can't thank you enough for being here with me," Beca said to Stacie. "I don't know if I could handle this part of the tour alone. A lot of memories were made here."

What could Beca say about Stacie? They had become close friends when they both joined the Barden Bellas. But they became the best of friends after Chloe moved to London.

Stacie had shown up on Beca's doorstep the day after Aubrey's going away party for Chloe. The day before Chloe was flying to London and not coming back. Stacie never pressured Beca to see Chloe before she left. Instead, Stacie stayed with Beca for a couple of weeks and let her cry and fed her ice cream and all the liquor she could handle.

On the fifteenth day, Stacie took Beca out dancing, and they got drunk together. Stacie played wingman to Beca and Beca left with about five new phone numbers of people who were interested in seeing her again.

Two days later, Stacie left. Beca was still heartbroken, but at least she was a functioning human being and managed to get a few good songs out of her pain.

"Don't start with me, Mitchell," Stacie said. "I'm very emotional right now because I miss my girlfriend and baby girl and it won't take much to make me cry."

"Bella is four years old," Beca said. "I don't think she's considered a 'baby' anymore."

"I don't care how old she is," Stacie said emphatically. "She will always be my baby."

"Sorry," Beca said holding up her hands. "Plus, you left her with Aubrey. When you get back the four-year-old you left behind is going to be way too uptight and probably nursing an ulcer."

"Hey, that's my girlfriend your talking about," Stacie said and then laughed. "But, you're probably right."

"So, how is Aubrey these days?," Beca said. "I know being friends with me has put a strain on your relationship."

"She gets it, Beca," Stacie said. "It's just that Chloe is still her best friend and they were both really hurt when you didn't come to say goodbye to Chloe."

"I did say goodbye," Beca said. "Just because it wasn't the goodbye she wanted from me, doesn't mean it didn't happen. She decided to move to London. I wished things had turned out differently and I had fought for her. But I didn't because I knew she deserved that job and I wasn't going to stand in her way. I made a clean break so we could both start fresh. What does Aubrey want from me?"

Beca wiped at the tears that had fallen while she spoke. Stacie looked at her.

"Aubrey just wants you both to be happy," Stacie said.

"I am happy," Beca said. "I'm a Grammy-winning artist and have fans all over the world. I get to make music that I want to make. I get to travel and do things on my terms. What's not to be happy about?"

Stacie didn't say anything as she could see Beca getting worked up. She waited until Beca seemed calmer before she spoke.

"I'm not supposed to say anything," Stacie said watching Beca. "But, Chloe asks about you all the time when she talks to Aubrey. Aubrey thinks she's still in love with you."

"Am I supposed to care now?," Beca said. "She knows where I am. Everyone knows where I am and what I'm doing. But has she picked up a phone or sent a text? No, she hasn't, so excuse me if I don't care that she asks about me all the time."

"So you do care that she might still be in love with you?"

"Why are we still talking about this? It's been three fucking years, and she's still in London, and I'm still in L.A." Beca shook her head. "I don't care."

"Beca," Stacie said. "Stop lying to yourself. We both know you do care. And, we both know you still love her."

"Yeah, well a lot of good that does me. She only asks about me to ease her guilty conscience." Beca runs a hand through her hair and sighs. "Can we not talk about Chloe anymore? I have to get ready for the show."

Stacie got up and gave Beca's shoulder a squeeze before leaving her alone. Beca watched Stacie leave and then turned back to the mirror.

"Why is forgetting her so hard? Why do I still love her? And, why do I miss her so much, especially at Christmas time?" Beca looked at her reflection hoping for an answer. One came in the form of a song. She grabbed a paper and pen and started jotting down words; words that came from her heart. Words that conveyed what she was feeling.

~25 Days~ ~25 Days~ ~25 Days~ ~25 Days~

Stacie came back to the dressing room about thirty minutes later to find Beca still sitting in her street clothes. She was strumming a guitar and making notes on a paper sitting on the dressing table in front of her.

"Why aren't you changed?," Stacie asked. "You go on in like twenty minutes."

"What?" Beca looked at her distractedly. "Sorry, I got this idea for a song, and the words just came flowing out of me. The words are actually done. I just need to tweak the music a bit, and I think I'll be able to sing it on the tour because it's about Christmas."

"That's great, Beca," Stacie said. "But you have to get changed and get to the stage."

"Right," Beca said and hurriedly put the songsheet away. She gently set the guitar back in its case and changed.

~25 Days~ ~25 Days~ ~25 Days~ ~25 Days~

After the concert, Beca wanted to get back to working on the song. She and Stacie had a late dinner at the hotel and then Beca was back in her room writing the music to go with the words.

The next morning, Stacie woke Beca when she knocked on her hotel room door. Beca was still in the same clothes from the night before, and Stacie made her shower and change so they could get breakfast together.

Throughout breakfast, Beca kept writing down ideas about the music for the song. After breakfast, Beca went to her room to pack. She met Stacie in the lobby, and it was obvious she was still distracted.

On the plane to Rome, Beca worked on the song even more. She thought about the stops on the tour before she reached London and knew that she had ten days to perfect the song so she could sing it during her London performance. A small part of her hoped that Chloe knew she was coming to London and might actually try to contact her. She knew the odds were against it, but some days, hope is all that got her through the day.

Beca was having dinner with Stacie that night and started talking about the song.

"When am I going to get to hear this masterpiece?"

"It's almost finished. I need to let Khaled and Theo hear it before I can let you hear it though."

Three days later, and seven days before her London concert, Beca was in her hotel room on a Skype call with Khaled and Theo. She had sent them the song to listen to. It was a stripped down version she sang with just the keyboard she borrowed for the music.

"Um, so did you listen to the song? What did you think? Can I put in the London show?"

Khaled looked at Theo and Theo looked back at Khaled.

"We don't want you to put it in the show," Khaled said looking into the camera at Beca.

Beca's heart dropped. She put so much of herself to the song. "You, um, you don't like it?"

"We love it," Khaled said. "We want you to introduce it as a new Christmas song and use it for the encore."

"That's if there is an encore," Beca mumbled.

"There's always an encore for you, Beca," Theo said with a smile, causing Beca to blush. "I'm going to arrange to have a producer I know in London record the live version during your show. That way we can get it on the radio as soon as we have a go at it in the studio."

"You really thinks it's good enough to put it out as a single?" Beca was a bit taken aback that they were moving so quickly on getting the song out there.

"Yes, Beca, we do," Khaled said. "Theo, I just had a thought. I want you to fly to London and be there to help record the live version with the full band playing the music. Use one of the studios there to get it together and send it out to radio stations. I also want to record two other songs live so we can use them with the stripped down version and the live version of this song. I want to put out an EP as a Christmas present to Beca's fans. Can you do that?"

"I'll take care of everything and have it all go out the day after her London show," Theo said.

"Perfect," Khaled said.

"Thanks, for everything," Beca said.

"Make us proud," Khaled said. "I have to go, but Theo can finalize things with you."

Khaled got up and left with a small wave at Beca.

Theo looked at her and asked, "Can you get the music to the band and get at least one rehearsal in before you perform the song?"

"Yeah," Beca said. "In London, we have a full day of rehearsal the day before the concert. We'll be switching up the setlist a bit so this will be perfect. We can run through the new song a couple of times."

"I'll be in London so I can sit in on the rehearsal," Theo said. "I have a few notes on the music, and I'll send those to you so you can incorporate them."

"Okay," Beca said. "I'll see you in London."

Beca signed off from the call and closed her laptop. She took it and went to Stacie's room.

"Are you ready to hear my song?"

"Damn straight," Stacie replied excitedly. "Get in here."

Beca set up her laptop on the table in Stacie's room.

"Now, this is just me singing the song while playing the keyboard; there are no other instruments," Beca said. "It will sound a bit different after they're added. Khaled's okayed me singing it as an encore during the London show. The whole band will be playing with me on it. Theo is also going to record it, and two other songs live so we can put out an EP in time for Christmas."

"That's great, Becs," Stacie said. "Now, let's hear it."

Beca pulled up the song and took a deep breath before she hit play. She sat back and watched as Stacie listened to the song.

When it was over, she looked at Stacie, who was wiping a tear from her eye.

"You are still so in love with her," Stacie said.

"Yeah," Beca said her voice thick with emotion. "I realized that even three years later, I make sure I'm working during the holiday because I miss her the most at Christmas time. I mean, I still miss her every day, and it hurts a little. But, Christmas time is a different kind of missing her, and it hurts more."

Beca got up and walked over to look out the window into the darkness. "Chloe used to make every Christmas so special, whether it was in the Bellas house at Barden, or in our tiny little apartment in New York. We really only had one Christmas together as a couple, and I-" Beca wiped away a tear. "And that's the Christmas I always remember when I think about Christmas. That's the Christmas I want every year, and can't have."

"The song is beautiful, Beca," Stacie said. "I'm sure your fans are going to love it."

"Thanks," Beca said and continued to stare out into the darkness.

~25 Days~ ~25 Days~ ~25 Days~ ~25 Days~

Beca was finally in London, and she and the band practiced the song a few times. Beca and Theo were happy with it, and it was ready to be played for the first time anywhere tomorrow night.

To say Beca was nervous the next night was an understatement. She had ten minutes before she had to go on and Theo had just left the dressing room to get to the recording equipment. Everything was a go, and things were set up.

"Stop worrying, Beca," Stacie said. "You're going to be great. The song is going to be great."

"I'm not that worried about the show anymore," Beca said. "I'm worried about what Chloe will do once she hears the song."

"What do you think she'll do?"

"If the last three years are any indication, nothing. She'll stay in London, and I'll be in L.A. Every once in a while, whether from a sense of guilt or some sick need to hear that I've finally gone off the deep end, she'll ask Aubrey how I'm doing."

"Beca, you know that's not true," Stacie said.

Beca didn't say anything; she truly hoped that Chloe still had feelings for her. After three years, she’s finally admitted to herself that she wasn't quite ready to let go.

~25 Days~ ~25 Days~ ~25 Days~ ~25 Days~

"Thank you, London," Beca called out as she ran off the stage.

The audience cheered and chanted, "Beca! Beca! Beca!" After a minute or two, the crowd went wild as Beca came back onto the stage.

"Well, I guess you want to hear more," Beca said with a big smile as the crowd got louder. She walked over to the piano that was moved to the center of the stage.

The band took their places and got set. Beca looked over, and Theo gave her a nod to let her know they were ready to record.

Beca sat on the piano bench and looked out over the crowd. She adjusted the microphone.

"This next song is one I just wrote," Beca said. "So, you're the first to hear it." The crowd cheered, and Beca smiled again. "It's about Christmas, but it's not your usual Christmas song. This is a song about a special someone who made Christmases special for me, and how I miss her the most at Christmas time. I hope you like it."

Beca shook out her hands and placed them on the piano keys. The crowd grew quiet as the first notes started and then Beca began to sing.

Ooh The fire is burning The room's all aglow Outside the December wind blows Away in the distance

The carolers sing in the snow Everybody's laughing The world is celebrating And everyone's so happy Except for me tonight

Because I miss you Most at Christmas time And I can't get you Get you off my mind Every other season comes along And I'm all right But then I miss you Most at Christmas time

The spotlight catches the sparkle of a tear as it rolls down Beca's cheek. The crowd remains surprisingly quiet as Beca puts so much emotion into the words.

Ooh, yeah Mmm I gaze out the window This cold winter's night At all of the twinkling lights Alone in the darkness Remembering when You were mine, yeah

Everybody's smiling The whole world is rejoicing And everyone's embracing Except for you and I

Baby, I miss you Most at Christmas time And I can't get you No, no, no, no Get you off my mind Every other season comes along And I'm all right But then I miss you Most at Christmas time

Oh In the springtime Those memories start to fade With the April rain Through the summer days Till autumn's leaves are gone I get by without you Till the snow begins to fall

And then I miss you Most at Christmas time And I can't get you No, no, no, no Get you off my mind Every other season comes along And I'm all right But then I miss you Most at Christmas time

Ooh

Beca slowly moved her hands from the keys and clasped them in her lap to stop them from shaking. Singing the song in front of a crowd was more emotional than she thought it would be.

The crowd had been silent in the few seconds it took her to compose herself. Then suddenly the claps and cheers became deafening.

She let out a small laugh and swallowed. She reached up with a still shaky hand and wiped the tears from her face. She looked off to her left to see Theo giving her a huge smile and a thumbs up. She smiled back at him and stood to wave at the crowd.

Beca took one more look out over the still cheering crowd before making her way offstage. She lets the tears fall for a minute as the crowd continued to cheer and chant her name. She stepped back on to the stage just enough to be seen and gave the crowd a teary wave before stepping back behind the curtains.

Theo met her backstage and congratulated her on the song. Beca looked behind Theo and knowing who she was looking for, Theo said, "Stacie said she'd meet you in your dressing room. Go find her. We'll talk in the morning. You deserve some time for yourself tonight."

"Thanks," Beca said and rushed to her dressing room to find Stacie sitting on the sofa looking at her laptop.

"You okay?," Stacie asked.

"Yeah," Beca said. "I think so."

"Someone wants to talk to you," Stacie said waving her over to the sofa.

Beca went over and plopped next to Stacie to see Aubrey and Bella on the screen. Stacie unmuted the sound and Bella was giggling at something.

"Aunt Beca!" Bella yelled. "I heared your song. It was pretty."

"Thank you, Bella," Beca said with a smile.

"Beca, that song was," Aubrey sniffed. "Stacie Skyped me as soon as you went out for the encore. We heard the entire thing. That was so beautiful, Beca."

"Thanks," Beca said.

"Hang on a sec, Beca," Aubrey said. Beca could hear Aubrey talking to Bella and asking her to go play in her room while she talked to Aunt Beca.

"Okay," Bella said. "Love you, Aunt Beca."

"I love you, too, squirt," Beca said.

Aubrey waited until Bella was out of sight before looking back at Beca.

"Um, I'm pretty sure Chloe heard the song," Aubrey said.

"What? How?"

"She told me one of her friends got tickets, and she wanted to see you even if it was from the back of a crowd," Aubrey said.

Beca didn't say anything and looked at Aubrey. "She could have called. My number hasn't changed, and I know you know that."

"You're right, she could have," Aubrey said. Aubrey leaned forward slightly. "She's afraid of what you might say. She-" Aubrey lets out a heavy sigh and leans back in her chair.

"Tell her, Brey," Stacie said.

'Tell me what? What's going on? Oh, my God, is she getting married?"

"God, no, Beca," Aubrey said quickly. "That's not it. Beca, Chloe didn't renew her contract with the museum. She's coming home."

"Why?"

"She wants to move back to L.A. to be close to you," Aubrey said. "She's hoping there's still a chance that you still love her."

"I kind of hate that I do," Beca said after a moment. "But I do." Beca swiped at a tear and blinked a couple of times. "What's her number? Here in London?"

"Do you really want to talk to her?" Aubrey looked expectantly at Beca.

"Yeah, I do," Beca said. "I don't know what I want to say to her, but I do think we need to talk."

"I just texted you the number," Aubrey said.

"Thanks," Beca said. "I need to change so that I can get back to the hotel. Theo wants to talk in the morning."

Beca leaves the sofa and grabs her clothes. She goes into the bathroom while Stacie says goodbye to Aubrey.

Beca comes out of the bathroom and asks Stacie if she's ready. They gather everything and head out to the car that will take them back to the hotel.

~25 Days~ ~25 Days~ ~25 Days~ ~25 Days~

Once back at the hotel, Beca bids Stacie a goodnight and goes to her room. She showers, and then brushes her teeth and puts on her pajamas. She turns off the bathroom light and climbs into bed. She grabs her phone off the charger and looks at the time. It's nearly Midnight and Beca wonders if Chloe is still awake.

Before she can think twice about it, Beca dials the number Aubrey gave her. She chews on her bottom lip as she waits to see if anyone will answer.

"Hello?"

"Um, hey, Chloe? It's me, uh, Beca," Beca said as tears sprang to her eyes. "I heard, um, that you might have been at my concert tonight."

"I was," Chloe said. "I just, uh, I just wanted to see you."

Beca sniffed and heard Chloe do the same.

"So, what'd you think?," Beca asked.

"I miss you most at Christmas time, too."

Beca let out a small sob, not expecting that response. "Look, it's really late, but I really think we should talk."

"I'd like that," Chloe said.

"I've got like three months left on my tour," Beca said. "Aubrey told me you were going back to the states."

"I am," Chloe said. "I actually fly back in two days so I can spend Christmas with my family. I wanted to move back home sooner, but I couldn't because I signed a three-year contract with the museum. It was up three days ago, and I didn't renew it. I just, I just want to go home."

"Okay," Beca said. "Um, it's late now so I think we should talk later. Like maybe when I get back from my tour. It will give you time to get settled, and we can both think about what we want to happen."

"I'd like that a lot," Chloe said.

Beca didn't speak for a moment and could only hear Chloe breathing through the phone. "I really have missed you, Chlo."

"I've really missed you, too, Becs," Chloe said. "I'm not gonna lie; I'm hoping that our talk leads to us trying again."

"I'm kind of hoping the same thing," Beca said.

"Can I text you or call you while you're on the road?"

"I'd like that," Beca said smiling. "I'd better let you go. I have an early meeting with Theo tomorrow."

"Oh, um, okay," Chloe said. "Good night, Beca."

"Good night, Chlo," Beca said and ended the call.

Beca in her London hotel room and Chloe in her London flat settled in their beds with a smile on their face. And for the first time in three years, they both fell into a restful sleep, looking forward to the start of something new.

A/N: Quick Poll: I was thinking of expanding this and doing the chapter from Chloe's point of view. It will probably be a couple of chapters before I get to it, so what say you? Yay or Nay to Chloe's POV?

Song Used: Miss You Most (at Christmas Time) by Mariah Carey

#bechloe fanfiction #bechloe #beca mitchell #chloe beale

[quepasta]

Never Gave Me a Reason (non fanfic short story)

**WARNING: IM PUTTING THIS HERE SO PEOPLE WILL SEE THIS. THIS IS NOT A FANFIC. THIS IS AN ACTUAL REALISTIC FICTION SHORT STORY I WROTE IN RESPONSE TO A PROMPT I WAS GIVEN. My new fanfic is still coming out tomorrow though :)**

The Prompt: Write a story that takes place across ten seconds (from Reedsy Prompts)

(I should also say that there is death, alcohol, car accident, and injuries mentioned in this story.)

One

I’m sitting in the back of the taxi, headphones in and forehead against the window. Letting the cold seep into my forehead as the music fills the silence, I close my eyes. I’m trying to remember if I had grabbed my mother’s present from my desk, or if I was going to have to buy a back up gift when I arrived in Denver, again. How many airport ornaments could I give her before she stopped letting me in the door? The answer was that there was no limit, but by now she should have known how terrible of a child I was. I should have been able to remember her gift the one time a year I visited home. But it appears I failed this year too.

Two

My phone rings which causes me to open my eyes. It’s your sister, she still calls to tell me Merry Christmas. She always told me that I was her favorite sibling, and I would laugh as you pretended to be offended. Now that I am no longer around, are you her favorite again? I plan on letting the call go to voicemail. I will call her back. Later. Probably. Maybe not. This year it feels harder to fake being nice and cheery, and there is that added layer of awkwardness of talking to anyone in your family. But maybe it's harder now because it’s been a year now since I last saw you? Maybe it’s because I never really liked the holidays, and now I don’t have anyone to fake it for. 

Three

The phone continues to ring, cutting off my music. Outside the taxi, the Christmas lights glisten. They shine in red, blue, green, pink, white, and golden hues. I tried to remember when that rainbow last made me happy as a kid. Running outside as the snow fell. Laughing with the neighborhood kids as we made snowmen. My nose running from the cold as I came inside to warm up with peppermint hot cocoa with Mom and Dad. All of that truly feels like another lifetime ago. 

Right now I see kids sprinting on the sidewalk with their parents, pulling them along to see the christmas lights in front of the busy store fronts. My Christmases were spent out in the country, next to a Christmas tree farm. These kids celebrated in the concrete jungle, their holidays spent in the loudest city in the world. Maybe it was poetic that I went back to the same home I had as a kid every year for Christmas. Or maybe I was forever chasing fleeting memories. 

Four

The taxi comes to a halt as pedestrians cross the road. I check the time, if the traffic doesn’t clear up soon I am going to be late for my flight. I am reminded of another time when I was late to the airport. Your birthday. I was flying back from a business trip, nothing had gone right that day. Most of all, I ended up missing my flight. Missing your birthday. I left you waiting in the hallway, with your friends and a birthday cake in hand. Candles unlit and a stack of presents on the table, except the one from me. The fallout as I called you back when I finally had the chance to, how you told me about the party while trying not to cry. I should have been there. I’m sorry. 

My phone is still ringing, your sister calling me like she had when it was obvious I wasn’t going to make it to the party. She had been furious. How many times had she called me? I remember I had at least 20 very loud voicemails from her. I give up, I hit the decline button. I wait for her to call again, but it looks like she will only call me once this time.

Five

My phone beeps as I see a voicemail from her. Persistent, she is. I will listen to it later. And I will call her back. Maybe. I know if you were here you would laugh at me, tell me stop being antisocial. You would tell me that it’s polite to answer phone calls, especially around the holidays. But you always secretly enjoyed my social awkwardness. I am still haunted with the knowledge of what you find funny. 

I still know your favorite color, your favorite food, favorite book, favorite kind of car. How you liked to drink warm apple cider when you were upset and would go feed the ducks when you were angry. You were the hardest person to get to go to bed, your creative mind coming alive at night. But when you finally went to sleep you were the hardest person to wake up in the morning, tricking me into staying in bed longer by pulling me closer to you. 

Where do you put all of this knowledge when it's over? 

Six

I am now one hundred percent sure I did not grab my mother’s present. It’s fine, it wasn’t that good of a gift anyway. Maybe I can just ship it to her for her birthday next year. You were much better at picking out gifts for her. She knew it was you, but she would thank us both anway. I added “stop by random airport kiosk” to my to-do list. 

I thought about the smile she would give me as I walked into the door. How she would have a cup of eggnog ready for me in my favorite mug. The orange one with the chip in the handle. I smile as I think about when the chip happened. The first time you visited home with me, we had gone downstairs after she went to bed. We mixed bourbon with our eggnog, which slowly turned into just drinking bourbon. 

We got way too drunk, you spilled your bourbon out of the orange mug. I had let you use it that year. I said something stupid, I don’t remember. You laughed and dropped the mug. It hit the ground with a thud, and we waited for my mom to run downstairs to see what the noise was. When we realized she wasn’t coming, we fell to the ground in drunken laughter. You scrambled to pick up the mug, distraught when you saw the little chip in the handle. I told you it was okay, that it made it more special. 

Maybe I would ask for a different mug this year. 

Seven

The taxi finally pulls forward, and I am on my way again. I go through my packing list in my head, making sure I packed everything else. I think I may have forgotten to pack socks and my toothbrush. I shrug, Mom usually had extras waiting for me because she knows how forgetful I am. I tried not to think about the fact that I was using the suitcase you got me for my last birthday, but of course I am thinking about it now.  It didn’t make sense to buy a new one, it was a good set you bought me. And I hadn’t used it yet. It’s just a suitcase. 

It’s just the last gift I have from you. 

Eight 

We pass 8th Ave, and I see our favorite restaurant. It’s packed on this chilly Saturday. I wonder if you are there now, taking someone else to taste their amazing cuisine. But of course you’re not there. I know you well enough that you haven’t stepped foot in that restaurant since the last time we were there and probably would never go back. Neither will I. 

But a part of me wants to jump out of this taxi, sit down at our table and talk to you. I want to laugh with you and forget about what happened last winter. Forget about the ring in my fingers, you shaking your head and telling me to put it away. My face dropping into my hands as you told me you couldn't say yes.

You never gave me a reason, did you?

Nine

I have a headache now, so I turn off the music. I am suddenly struck by the realization that as long as I am in this city, I will always think of you. Part of me wants to always think of you. To always hold on to the love that slipped away, grasping the tiny threads between my fingers before it’s all gone.

But the truth is, it’s gone. And has been for awhile. Doesn’t mean you don’t still live in my head, but the reality of you has vanished. Everywhere I go, you’re there. This city has your name on every street, as far as I am concerned. Maybe I need to move, a new place to start over. But then I would truly never see you. This may be a big city, but it’s a small world.

I keep hoping eventually I’ll run into you.

Ten

I think that’s why I see you now. As the taxi crosses the intersection, I notice the headlights of another car coming at us. But I don’t really see the car coming. I don’t hear the driver yelling an obscenity, or the screech of the car that ran the red light trying to stop. I don’t hear the gasps or screams of the people on the sidewalks. I hear your laugh. I see you smiling, the corners of your eyes crinkling. Your cheeks rosy, eyes a little droopy. Just like they were the night we drank bourbon while laying on my mom’s kitchen floor.  

I see the mug fall to the ground, and it cracks at the same moment the window in front of my face shatters. 

As I feel the metal and glass hit my skin, all I can see is your face.

#short story #writing prompt #my wriitng #mine #quepasta #content warning #blood #alcohol #injuries #death #car accident #lost love #pining #can you tell that some of this was influenced by songs on Evermore? #non fanfic #non fandom #story prompt #ten second story #Did I even follow the prompt? Idk lmao