#i literally just finished an essay now im crying | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bordysbae · 1 year

Note

16 with bordy please!!! love you!!

“penalities”

thomas bordeleau x reader

16. “i need you right now”

word count: 0.8k

warning: VERY slight cussing

being a student in college has its ups and downs. attending university of michigan is the best decision you’ve ever made, it’s how you met your boyfriend thomas. but unfortunately a downside of college is the incredibly overwhelming work load. unfortunately you have two essays due by monday for different classes, and you’ve only finished one. earlier you broke the news that you couldn’t attend tonight’s game vs msu, and thomas was devastated. you reassured him that you’d listen to it as background noise, which is exactly what you’re doing.

you’re quickly snapped from your thoughts when you realize thomas just got a penalty. you groan at his stupidity, and turn your attention back to this draining essay you’re writing. you stop typing only 30 minutes later when it’s announced thomas now received a disqualification for punching someone. “oh thomas, you’re so so stupid!” you groan again, immediately turning off the game. you just don’t understand why he’s being so rough tonight, and you seriously don’t want to stress about it since you’re so close to finishing your last essay.

you eventually finish your essay, and turn the game on again just to see the clock ticking down from the last 5 minutes of the last period. the wolverines are losing by one, and you’re instantly at the edge of your seat. before you know it, the game is over, and msu won. you know the boys are devastated, especially thomas. you already know he’s going to be angry, especially after seeing the way he was acting in the game. clearly something was bugging him, you just didn’t know what it was. you always go to every home game, and text him after every away game. you’d never been in this position where thomas was only 15 minutes away from you, upset after losing a game, and you not being there to comfort him. you have no idea what to do.

suddenly you get an incoming calling from thomas, and you answer it immediately. “oh babe, i’m so sorry.” you say, receiving nothing but silence on the other end. “thomas?” you ask, yet still nothing. “must’ve been a butt dial” you chuckle about to hang up when suddenly thomas’ voice speaks up. “no no no please don’t hang up” he says, his voice sounding shaky. “oh hi, how are you feeling?” “shit, y/n. you know that.”

“oh. you’re right im sorry” you say softly into the phone. “fuck. im sorry, im so so sorry. im just a literal whirlwind of emotions right now. i’m so sorry for lashing out at you” he sighs. “thomas it’s okay i promise. where are you? are you still at yost? why don’t you come over to my place” you suggest. he remains silent for a little bit before raspily stating, “can you come pick me up? matty drove me here, but i really don’t feel like talking to anyone besides you, y/n. i need you right now.” “of course, i’m on my way” “i love you.” “i love you more thom.”

you grab your keys and get into your car. you drive down to yost, and walk in through one of the back doors thomas had shown you. you walk past some employees leaving, and turn the corner to see a distraught thomas sitting on the hallway floor. “oh thom, hi baby” you say, sliding down the wall to sit next to him. he says nothing and looks up at you with bloodshot eyes. you gasp, and pull him into a tight hug. “oh you poor thing, don’t cry” you say, placing a hand behind his head. “it’s my fault we lost” he mumbles into your neck. “hm?” you say, pulling back from the hug to hear him better. “i said, it’s my fault we lost” “thomas, you’re joking right?” “no? why would i be?”

you sigh before steadily saying, “brendan got a penalty, and luke did too. it’s not just your fault that you guys lost, it’s absolutely no one’s. when have you ever seen a team beat every single one of their opponents huh? it’s impossible for a team to never lose. don’t beat yourself up over one game, and yeah maybe you made some dumb choices tonight but everyone learns from their mistakes. so please stop beating yourself up, i promise everyone else is just as upset with themselves as you are. i promise no one is mad at you thom.” after your quick little speech, he looks up at you with glossed over eyes, and a smile begins to form on his lips. “i love you, so so much. what did i do to deserve you?” “oh stop you’re gonna make me blush, now cmon mr ‘disqualified’ let’s go back to my place” “too soon y/n, too soon” he chuckles.

“y’know, i made those dumb decisions tonight cause i was angry you weren’t at the game.” he says as he gets into your passenger seat. “you what?!” you blurt out in disbelief. “yup. every time you’re not at a game i feel almost like, i don’t know, dissociated i guess. seeing your face in the crowd helps me stay grounded. i can usually control it, but tonight something in me just like snapped” he chuckles to himself. “well then, i guess i’ll just have to go to all of your games” you shrug. “that doesn’t sound too bad to me” thomas smiles.

#thomas bordeleau #thomas bordeleau imagine #umich imagine #umich wolverines #umich hockey #umich blurbs #michigan hockey #hockey imagine #hockey blurb #i hate this #this is bad sorry lol

172 notes · View notes

brainsofseaweed · 4 months

Text

YALL PLEASE SEND HELP

I JUST FINISHED IT

I JUST FINISHED THE MARK OF ATHENA

I AM SO NOT OKAY OH MY GODS

(side note i am not okay for two reasons cause i already wrote a WHOLE ASS ESSAY ON THIS AS SOON AS I FINISHED THE BOOK but alas, asshole tumblr decided to disregard that one so enjoy the one with lesser emotion ig thanks a lot tumblr)

like i knew how it was gonna end and i saw what was coming full well but like ITS SO DIFFERENT TO ACTUALLY READ IT SO I'M JUST THERE KNOWINGLY VIOLENTLY SHAKING AND SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY FOR THE LAST GODS KNOW HOW LONG IT'S BEEN SINCE I FINISHED THE BOOK

LIKE BRO ARE THEY OKAY??? I MEAN I KNOW THEY'RE ALIVE BUT ARE THEY DOING OKAY????

I CANT DO THIS THEY BETTER BE ALIVE OR IM GONNA BE THROWING SOME SERIOUS FISTS

the book was SO GOOD tho omg like first read of the year and BEST read of the year

i am deadass convinced that no book i'll read the entire year is gonna be better than this like it was THAT good

but i still can't stop crying bro

like the first few and the last couple pages of my copy is DRENCHED in my tears

first cause they reunited and last cause they FELL INTO FUCKING TARTARUS????? LIKE IMAGINE SOMEONE LOVING YOU SO MUCH THEY JUMP IN TO THE DEEPEST DARKEST PIT OF HELL FOR YOU THAT RIGHT THERE IS PERCY JACKSON AND I KNOW IF PERCY WAS IN THAT SITUATION THAT ANNABETH WOULD DEFINITELY DO THE SAME FOR HIM LIKE I CANT I JUST I CANT I LOVE PERCABETH SO FUCKING MUCH THEY ARE LITERALLY THE GREATEST LOVE STORY OF ALL TIME

(i am seriously never getting over this if you couldn't tell already)

ANOTHER THING IS

MY BABY LEO

OH GODS MY BABY LEO

I FEEL SO SAD FOR HIM HE'S LITERALLY BLAING HIMSELF FOR IT HE LITERALLY DESERVES THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD I LOVE HIM SO MUCH I JUST WANNA WRAP HIM UP IN A FLUFFY BLANKETS WITH LIKE LITTLE CALCIFERS ALL OVER IT (i feel like he'd enjoy that) AND JUST MAKE SURE HE'S ALWAYS HAPPY AND NEVER MAKES HIMSELF SAD OVER ANYTHING EVER AGAIN

YOU KNOW WHAT

I'D JUMP INTO TARTARUS FOR LEO VALDEZ

LIKE AS LONG AS IT PUTS A SMILE ON HIS FACE AND MAKES HIM HAPPY AND PREFERABLY LAUGH I'D DO ANYTHING HE WANTED

i love leo valdez sm :(

aaannnnywaysss thank you for coming to my ted talk

i'm gonna go start the house of hades now

peace out yall

#heroes of olympus #pjo hoo #percabeth #annabeth chase #percy jackson #percy and annabeth #leo valdez

27 notes · View notes

ronispadez · 10 months

Note

1 for the choose violance ask?

1: the character everyone gets wrong

AUGGHHHHHHH OHHH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!! LUCAS 4 SURE. also maybe Gerard and Frank and other Band Dudes, but as for actual fictional characters, PROBABLY LUCAS!

Now, we don't have a clear idea of what Lucas is like post time-skip, if he's still the same gentle cry baby as he was before, in the prologue. But you gotta understand that going on a journey like that has got to change a person. He's def a lot more brave than the fandom, AND FUCKING SMASH BROS BRAWL !!! gives him credit for.

Old fanfics will usually give him t-th-he unre-re-alistic s-s-s-s-stuttering habit, which is sssssoooooooooo hard to read sometimes. I understand stuttering as something someone can have naturally, but in this context, it's something he does because he's nervous or scared or flustered. And he does it almost every time he talks until he finally warms up enough, or he's in a perpetual state of flustered. I'd understand if this was an actual speech thing he had that the author brings up, but no, you can tell that the intention is just to make him look more, ... Im not sure the right word, but more Shoujo shy girl like. Y'know?

Mischaracterization can't really be a thing with Mother protags and other silent protagonist. There can be opinions on characters I can either like or dislike, but that doesn't rule out the possibility that the character is "actually" like that. For Ness and Ninten, no one is really right or wrong... Characterizing them as assholes (COUGH mother 1 novel with Ninten/Ken) or as shy or, well, most of the time people just write Ness as a heroic extrovert and/or complete dumbass which personally is the correct way to me.

But in Mother 3, we get more character from Lucas than we do with any other mother protag, in that he's a gentle boy who likes flowers, and the village sees him as a crybaby, even before Hinawa died. (That one lady Flint talks to during the forest fire, before they knew Hinawa died, called Lucas a crybaby)

But fuck dude, even before the time-skip happened, Lucas came in clutch with the drago to save Salsa and Kuma from Fassad!!! You go, baby Lucas! wth!!!!

Anyway I am fucking SICK!!! I AM FYUCKIMG SICKKK!!!!!!!! Of baby-cant-do-nothin-right-pussy-boy Lucas, characterized in fanart or fanfics. I don't want him to just be a stoic asshole, but I also don't want the crybaby part to be laid on too thick, y'know? Characterize him with thought. He can still be a gentle crybaby, but don't make that his whole thing, who cries at any small thing that happens

As much as I love Brawl, it was the start of this trend. As much as I love subspace emissary, they absolutely did Lucas fucking DIRTY. What the fuck is he doing, getting scared over these fuckin doll guys and the poo-poo gas ??? I do understand that he doesn't have his friends and dog with him, so he's lost faith in his solo battling ability. I guess. Also is this after the game ended, where he's endured the worst fucking battle of his life?? Or pre time-skip, making smash, or at least subspace Lucas, a little baby man who hasnt gone thru character development yet? Most likely not. I don't know. Subspace's characterization with Lucas was fucking foul. It started the trend of writing Lucas like a little bitch because that's how most of the world was introduced to him. Most people haven't played his game, so they see him as this little BITCH BOY AUUHGHHHHH

Sorry, I'm rambling and not finishing any of my thoughts, but this is something I have to properly write an essay on or make a fuckin YouTube video about or something. Jesus

I do have to say I think Ness' character in Subspace was pretty cute. I wanna see more fanfics where Lucas gets upset with Ness because he protects him too much and Lucas proves himself as strong enough without Ness' help. And then they kiss maybe. Maybe even hold hands ..

Also I am RIDDLED with Nesscas brain I forgot that's literally what Lucas goes thru when he's with Red, I forgor. But most people just think about the Ness Died Because of Lucas Scene in subspace, not how he protects himself and Red later. Oughhhhhh

PENIS BLAST let's just start over, all the way back in 2008 everybody, cmon, let's go, into the phase distorter

#mother 3 #lucas mother 3 #ssb #super smash bros #roni says stuff #i really chose violence w this one #ask game #ask porkysadvisors

9 notes · View notes

twyla19 · 5 months

Text

This is a long one (keep reading just cause its a lot)

This school semester has been absolutely shit. I am FINALLY getting to finish the last two finals, and then i will be done.

I started off dealing with losing a friend (to be homest i should talk with them) and then i had a friend stay with me, which he got locked out of my spare room, which turned into me finding out i wasnt allowed in there (i live in a 2 bed but paying for one cajse of my disability, so its stupid i dont have access) then that next week my car battery died, so i spent the day worrying about everything BUT class material.

A friend started leaving me on read and ghosting me. Then my friend left cause he needed to be back, and i could only host someone for 2 weeks. I started to try and catch up with schoolwork but am constantly anxious about everything all at once. Kept overthinking and worried cause of deadlines and midterms.

Then, after midterms, i dealt with two friends just leaving / blocking me. For no reason. Which i have dealt with like all of my fucking life and im sick of it. If you dont want to be friend just fucking tell me, which one did and mad respect. However, the other one literally stayed with me for two weeks.

So i was very depressed and just again stressed about school work. I lost motivation for everything but am still doing my best. Then, before i knew it, it was fall break. I was able to catch up on late assignments, i got in contact with a case manager, and now it's finals week. I am teeering on a C, which can pass or fail me with the essay i turned in today. I struggled to find my topic for this essay. And this same fucking class the professor is my advisor for my second major OH IM A DOUBLE MAJOR BTW so i had a 19 credit semester PLUS ALL THIS OTHER BS. Its like every week *something else* has to go wrong. Im just hoping and praying that i passed this class cause it's been a shitty semester, and i dont want to cry more.

I suffer in silence cause i hate taking from others positive moods, but damn do i want to finally be done. I have two more finals i have procrastinated and are due tomorrow night. So i have all day to get them done.

Im just tired. In all aspects. And it sucks. Once i get to my parents' house, i am gonna curl up into a ball in my room and just stay there for a while. Im so thankful for the people who have been in my life and have supported me (with or without knowing about this) and still love me through it.

I have not been more happy to say i love my friends so much, so much platonic love. It's so overlooked, but it means the world to me. I am so grateful. 💜

#twylaanita rambles

3 notes · View notes

i520u · 6 months

Note

PREVIOUS ANON HERE… CHAT I WAS NAWT LYING WHEN I SAID ID WRITE THAT ESSAY 🔥🔥 jk it’s like a paragraph but nobody gets gyuvin like i do fr bc when he said “i missed us” that was so… like yeah yk… like lil bro fr missed his friends and had to settle w MISOGYNISTIC MEN!… but now they’re back together and i’m so 😢😢 like it’s so refreshing bc when star crossed finished i was like NOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOO and ngl i fr cried… like Tears went down my cheeks. IN FACT I POSTED TO MY INSTA SPAM ABT HOW I JUST READ THIS FIRE STORY THAT MADE ME CRY AND SOMEONE SLID UP AND WAS LIKE OH WHAT BOOK LIKE HOW FO I SAY IT WAS A FANFIC! That’s how yk that shit good 💯💯 anyways ricky and gunwook being so genuinely distraught over losing gyuvin was so insanely heartbreaking to me bc it’s like. had it not been for the miscommunications!!!!!! BUT now they’re back like WE R SOOOOO BACK!!!!!! and yujin who is the realest is back in forever contact w gyuvin like everything is coming back together for gyuvin slowly jm 😢 so 💧💧 happy 😭😭 for 😓😓 him 🥹….. But also sungchan is abt to PISS ME TF OFFFFF i need gyuvin to get the facts straight w y/n bc sungchan is not abt to ruin end game rn… BUT ALSO im a Wee bit excited to see how it’s gonna play out when ricky’s y/n finds out / meets sanfran y/n LIKE WHATS SHE GONNA DO HOWS SHE GONNA ACT… WHAG HAPPENS WHEN GANG GETS TOGETHER LIKEEEE idk. idk. but these 2 fics r literally mind bogglingly good Pls never stop writing I will KISS ur fanfics Like u deserve the biggest kiss on the cheek for these 🔥🔥 Erm but Yeah! That’s the essay u may have been Waiting for 😊😊😊

THIS IS SO CUTE IM GONNA PRINT THIS AND FRAME IT IN MY ROOM 😭😭😭😭🩷🩷🩷

also… i have bad news… currently i don’t have any intention for ricky y/n to meet gyuvin y/n solely because it might be confusing to write and i’d have to give the two y/ns actual character depths and it wouldn’t be much of a reader insert anymore 💔

ALSO THE PART WHERE YPU POSTED IT ON YOUR SPAM mom i made it…

#nara❕speaks #i love you anon ❤️#let’s kiss under the moonlight

5 notes · View notes

the-bloody-sadist · 2 years

Note

prepare for an entire novel please because ive just finished sinner and i have so much to say. tl;dr its my favourite thing in the world thank you for writing it.

i dont know what that story did to me honestly. ive never EVER felt so..... viscerally from something written. its insane. it made me feel so numb for so long and then it made me Feel and i feel like i just went through the entire rollercoaster with dazai. it made me cry and it made my chest so so painfully tight and it made my body go numb and it made me stop caring about anything in the world aside from just. that. reading that.

i am an absolute sucker for tiny touches and gestures that feel incredibly significant. obviously, sinner is packed full of those, and i am LIVING- its so slow and meticulous and particular and everything is so significant and its SO SLOW I WISH I COULD WRITE LIKE THIS. so so slow, the way everything happens. so dragged out and full of suspense and anxiety and i cannot explain how much i adore it.

i dont know why but. the thing that made me audibly gasp and cover my mouth like i was in a movie was when dazai said "mori likes it when i play doll". i cant scream enough about it. i had to drop everything and scream at my friends about it. i cannot explain the sheer Emotion. i dont know why, i dont KNOW when after everything thats happened that just seems so silly and mild but just. it really highlights how no matter how absolutely horrible fyodor was and how much he broke dazai, dazai got there already broken. it comes so suddenly its like seven punches in the gut and then several kicks when i was already on the floor wheezing. then a bus, rolling over my entire body. twice. made my spirit leave my body for multiple minutes before i was ready to continue.

and yes the chuuya x akutagawa parts were absolute gold i am obsessed i have never thought about that ship in my life but i will never stop thinking about it ever again.

thats it, i think. i say, closing my seven page essay-

no actually fuck it now that im already here let me just say forbidden blood is also a masterpiece and i reread it like 5 times and its good every single time. ok. now thats it.

have a good day :)

Good GRIEFFFFF!!!! Talk about feeling accomplished as an author when you get an ask like this holy SHIT.

I wish I could respond to every detail but I was literally sitting there with my mouth open and little tears pricking my eyes through the whole thing because THIS!!!!! THIS IS JUST!!!! Every reaction described is everything I’ve ever wanted to hit my readers with and I am insanely pleased that it at least hit you and the others who’ve told me as much.

That is ACTUALLY crazy about the Mori line because I HIGHLY debated taking that out 😂 the entire chapter really, but mostly that line felt so corny and I was like “am I pushing it??” But now I feel great about it. So thank you.

What you said about the TINIEST touches feeling gigantic is also MY favorite thing (no surprise) and I really had never discovered that as a possibility until anime as a genre, and how that brought out a lot of subtleties feeling like pillars of emotional damage and/or healing. Whenever I write anything, I want this the most. And it really worked out for Sinner.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. This made my day. And Forbidden Blood too!!! You trooper! Thank you for the compliments on that as well!

May both sides of your pillow stay cold for eternity. 😩✊ Much love to you!

#IM CRYING #best compliment ever #sadist’s answered asks #sinner discourse #sinner reference #sinner #sinner fanfic

8 notes · View notes

angelwiththeblue-box · 2 years

Note

this is an anon for aesthetic purposes and aesthetic purposes only (hi my love it's spy)

~~~~~~~~~

askbox poem

babe help my headphones broke

and i can't listen to music in class

i love the way you lisp your letter s

which I've told you a million times

though I think

you deserve to hear it a million more.

babe help i can't focus on my homework

and this essay is due in an hour

have you eaten vegetables today?

lettuce on a hamburger doesn't count.

I had ramen for lunch

and I told my friends

those little freeze dried corn kernels

counted

and I could hear you on my tongue.

babe im awake and it's too late to be awake

and i need a hug

will you give me a hug?

i just finished rereading that fic

you know the one

you read it last night

and i want to steal into your bedroom

throw pebbles at your window

carve our initials into the floor

cry in your bathtub.

babe im in the hallway again

im always in the hallway

and im upstairs

so the natural light is passing through the windows

and it looks so pretty

my dear, I want to cook you dinner.

I was going to tell you yesterday

but I decided to save it for this.

I want to cook you bacon

and broccoli

and butter

I want to tease a smile to your lips

with a pinch of lemon

i want you to put on our playlist

and I want to sing along to it

dancing around the kitchen.

there's a spanish class going on

in the classroom across from me

the teacher's nose is the best thing ever

my love, if I am aroace

I hope I will come to love it.

I hope I love it because I love you

and because it would be like you

and I hope I can love myself

if I love the same thing in you.

if you see me blatantly referencing things

of course you do

you know me, don't you?

remind me what you smell like

when we see each other next.

wrap your arms around me

so tight you'd bruise me

and sit with me under tables.

the school library is closed

otherwise I'd be there

when will i have spent enough time with you

to learn your mannerisms

and make them my own?

one day you'll be coming back from class

and i will have coerced abbie into letting me in

and i will be holding a bowl of popcorn

waiting to surprise you

I might drop it if you run at me

like I hope you will.

one day we will have keys printed

and we will unlock the door to

an apartment

somewhere nice

far away from our birthplaces

and we will make a home

the two of us.

babe i left my hoodie at home and

now im cold

I love you.

SHUT UP I AM CRYING SPY I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS YOU ARE MY FAVORITEST PERSON AND I CANNOT WAIT FOR US TO BE US IN PERSON AND I WILL LITERALLY NEVER LET YOU GO

#val answers #steve to my robin <3 #spy!!!#i am saving this forever #clutching it to my chest like i’m in a jane austen novel

2 notes · View notes

neowinestainedress · 8 months

Note

rebs i missed you soo much too but i can’t never find the time to come on this app again cause after i finished my internship they (kinda) hired me so i’m working + classes and doing my thesis and i want to KILL MYSLEF i’m always so tired nowadays and sleeping EVERYWHERE

but god where do i start… first of all i don’t remember if i said this already but CONGRATULATIONS ON GRADUATING I’M SO PROUD OF YOU REBS YOU ARE AMAZING!!! how is life treating you? what are you up to lately?

about the hits different review that i told you about the last time i sent you an ask i think? i still haven’t finished it but i will i SWEAR i was half through it if i remember correctly… i also want and NEED to read your new stories even tho i spoiled myself the other day and saw that mc ends up with jaemin and not haechan 😞 but it’s okay!!! i love jaemin

and now about the things i wanted to tell you!!

1. i saw nct dream in concert and i even got BARRICADE and it was such an amazing experience no one pushed me or anything so i really enjoyed it + i finally met two of my longtime ibf 🥹 but you WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED AT THE CONCERT!!!!

I FINALLY SAW HAECHAN LIVE LIKE HE WAS THE ONLY NEO (except wayv ofc) that i was yet to meet and he was sosososo pretty i wanted to cry i couldn’t believe i was finally meeting the love of my life he was GLOWING (and not because of his sweat or smt like that) even tho he was a little sick i think? cause he wasn’t as playful as usual but i completely understand since he must have been so tired. we made eye contact so many times and i wanted to DIE RIGHT THERE he’s so mesmerizing and sexy and charismatic PLEASE HAECHAN JUST ONE (1) CHANCE like i could talk about him ALL DAY EVERYDAY

it was so funny to me the fact that haechan was the first one to come out when the concert started so he appeared and i SCREAMED SO MUCH i almost threw up within then first 3 minutes 😭😭😭 and the first time he went to dance in front of me and we made eye contact i literally froze ajshskdjsod like no thoughts head empty

mark my bestie (it was the second time in less than a year that i saw him<3) he’s just TOO good and i have THE PERFECT FANCAM of him dancing RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME

renjun is SO TINY and pretty like 🤏🏼 i wanted to hug him

jeno is GORGEOUS LIKE HELLLOO?? WHY ARE YOU SHOWING YOUR FACE FOR FREE FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE??

JAEMIN IS SO BIG HIS TITTIES ARE ENORMOUS and has the MOST big and beautiful smile i’ve ever seen he was so sweet the whole time

haechan is ….. god i could write a whole essay about him he’s just too pretty i spent 99% of the concert only watching him

chenle is so pretty too and so pale (just like jeno) and he did the most amazing adlibs EVER he was literally a cat so playful and cute

jisung………. he’s CRAZY. tiniest waist i’ve ever seen like HELLO WHO ARE YOU??? so sweet too my cutie

the concert was so much fun and they are amazing performers i screamed soooo much i wish i could watch them live everyday and im happy that they didn’t break their promise of coming back soon and with haechan too (for the first time this was his fourth attempt😭) the trauma from november is now gone (lies i won’t ever recover from that time)

2. and here comes the most exciting part and i’m literally exposing my identity rn but…………………………. haechan PICKED UP MY GIFT LIKE HE ACTUALLY TOOK IT WITH HIS OWN TWO HANDS 😭😭😭😭😭😭 and also it was the only gift he actually picked up from the ground since the other two were given to him by mark and jeno (you can search the candy performance in chile and you will see it 😭😭😭😭 kinda sad he didn’t open it since inside the bag was a teddy bear baseball cap + hanging from the zipper a shinchan as michael jackson keychain that took me FOREVER to find)

3. i’m on my way to see aespa right now i’m so excited<3!!!

4. i have a boyfriend… well not really i mean he wants to date me but i don’t feel like i love him enough and i even broke off with him last year but he just really loves me? even though i explained to him how i feel… the bad thing is that i was trying to “date” him secretly but i posted a pic of haechan on my ig that said “love of my life” so everyone started asking me who he was and shit so i had to tell them about my situansionahip because i couldn’t expose myself as a kpoppie 😭😭😭😭😭

and i think that is all about my life lately now tell me about yours rebs 🫂

I get you when I was writing my thesis I was on the brink of suicide too so I hope everything goes well and you can find time to rest!

THANK YOU! I’m struggling to find a job BUT this weekend I have the inauguration of the exhibition of my photos so I hope it brings something good. I’m having some health problems (funny thing, they’re not given by what I have but by the treatment I’m getting to calm down the illness) but overall I’m good.

Yes you did! Omg how much are you writing skdjfmk did it have a bigger impact than the sour series? I’m sorry for the spoilers, I try to wait to reblog but if I don’t answer after a while I just forget about it 💀I’m sure you will love Jaemin in the story!

1. I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU! Finally a non-traumatic experience😭you truly lived your y/n moment omg and he is! I saw him years ago and I still have him impressed in my mind and I wasn’t that close HOW did you NOT pass out?

👀 Drop the Mark fancam now 👀

You talking about Mark, Jeno, Renjun, Chenle: 🥰💞 the lomls, prettiest boys ever, smoll 🥰💞 You talking about Jaemin and Jisung: !!!BOOBS!!! WAIST!!!

I want to see them live so badly, I hope they can come to Europe (italy because i don't have money to spend on hotels and flights) 😭

no but seriously after everything that happened last time I’m so happy to know this time it was an amazing experience, you deserve it!

2. HE GOT YOUR GIFT OMG OSJDOFJOD you really are the chosen one please share a bit of your luck (no okay I’m convinced that this was destiny/god/universe/whatever you want to call it, paying you back for the trauma of November) is this the video? also how are you alive pt2? no because it must be so thrilling to know he has something you gave him 😭

3. have fun at aespa’s concert! Say hi to my girlfriend Ningning 😔

4. Warn him that if he dares to hurt you I will have to intervene (we’re not doing a traitor pt2) the Haechan thing took me out I’m sorry, it’s so funny 😭😭 but seriously do what feels right for you and don’t feel pressured just because he likes you a lot

About me there’s not much to say. Like I said I’m trying to find a job but I chose the worst field possible so it’s been hard as hell, I thought I found something but then she changed her mind after I did the trial (I was good, I was really good and she was impressed but for some reason she went from ‘being overloaded with work’ to ‘mhh you know how it is, you never know how much work you have, I can’t hire you’ lmao) and now I keep looking for something. But I’m quite fine when I don’t think too much about my future and feel like a failure lol

#answered #💌 anon

0 notes

i-have-bees-in-my-brain · 1 year

Text

Personal rant or some shit bc i just wanna get this out rn. yeeeee this will be long

So today i had a vit of a stressful day with uni n all bc ive been sick and admittedly lazy over the last week up til like tuesday and i had to turn in an Interpretation/essay tonight and prepare a group presentation for tmr (saturday seminars should b illegal but ok i literally chose this). N e way so ive been procrastinating like hell up until this morning so i didnt rly eat before showing up to seminar at 12am and afterwards i had to check with my one remaining presentation groupmember and finish the interpretation and tgen i had swordfighting class at 5. I didnt Really gave time for it but its fun and im very behind bc i misses several lessons already and am generally. Not good at it lol. n e way i turn up to swords and we peactice some routines ig and heres where the peoblem rly starts. Basically i am a huge crybaby, always have been (im older than firestar btw for context), esp when i feel criticized or yknow. Make mistakes or anything and since i was a sports h8er with 2 left feet n hands all my life n cried often during school pe bc i kept messing up n git embarrassed, it was an important step for me to sign up for this uni extracurricular swords class bc. Doing sth sporty in front of others tgat. Isnt very easy and i gotta learn from scratch is a bit out of my comfort zone. But normally its all v fun, im not good/easily the worst in class but thats ok i learn and move my body and talk to ppl! Proud of myself! Well today not so kuch, i noticed i was getting tense bc of not understanding how to do a movement and everyone (3 experienced fighters bc the main teacher was sick plus 2 other beginners that r learning faster than me) lookimg at me and trying to give helpful pointers and me still doing it wrong... H8 dis feeling bc i kinda freeze up instead of being able to take the tips n try again. Its hard for me to translate input like verbal instructions and demonstsations into my own movements as is. In this state i cant do anything properly and i feel the cryings abt to start while wanting nothing more than to MOVE ON NORMALLY. Well my eye started to get itxhy n teary so i excused myself to "take care of my contacts" (lie) (why am i even so ashamed that i feel i have to lie/make up excuses?? Bro???? That just made the situation Actually cringe?????? Im normally not an ashamed person and cryings just a state/expression but idk) so it was better for a bit until it wasnt. Then i full on cried in class while 2 ppl were actively showing me things/helping me do em right n everyone else kimda watched, kimda practiced. They did ask if i was ok and i said yes like a liar. So at the end of class i normally take the bus home with one of the other new guys but i today just didnt feel able to keep talking to him. So he also asked if i was ok/why i cried and i said i just do that under stress and why i am stressed (uni) so that was also a bit of a lie but only kinda. I said i was gonna go to the livrary instead (another lie, was gonna call my bf to calm me down abit n then take the next bus) so i did tgat n it kinda worked and this genius asked if i had eaten. Bruhhh of fuckin course im sensitive ive only had 3 baked goods all day and hadnt even noticed!!!!!! So then it all made sense, mans gotta get some freakin noursishment to keep their composure in swords class! So i went to another bus stop than normally bc i needed sth from the store and bruh the guy i normally take a DIFFERENT bus with is there (awkwardly votta tell hik i changed my mimd abt the library) and we talk a bit (i feel like i talk to him wayy too much in comparison to him, like we dont know each other that well at all, idek his real name and yknow. If he actually enjoys talking to me) and yea

So now everyone in the 14th century peasant larp class knows my terrible terrible secret:))):)

#the bees in my brain are sad #thats my tag for sad diary entries now i think

0 notes

00pbz · 2 years

Text

me when i start to make substantive progress on my abandoned fics: What If I Got A Burst Of Inspiration For An Even Older Original Story And Dedicated All Of My Time And Energy To That Instead ?

screaming crying throwing myself against a wall except with zero force so i’m just kind of dead-fish-flopping it.. anw. decided i will type my little nonsense under these readmores as im wont to do and just let myself word vomit freely..!

making myself get the it fic done by aug 19 bc then itll be exactly 1 yr since i posted the original fic . but before im letting myself post it i have to finish the *** fic bc even if i do not care about those ppl i feel bad for abandoning it for literal yrs . lol

BUT....... keep watching vid essays on horror and apocalypse tropes/motifs so my brain was just whirring nonstop last night w ideas abt an old concept i had tht i totally gave up on . but NOW..... now i can go wild and stupid w it . IF I HAVE TIME. not letting myself get too carried away

#delete later

0 notes

hearts4-robin · 2 years

Text

this whole week has been shit and its tuesday

essay ahead tbh

it all started with Monday where I had to go to an amusement park with my grade, the one above us, on two times below us and then the two grades below them

(so 4th, 5th, 6th, 8th (me) and 9th)

when we got there it was literally pissing from the shaky like, I swear, big fat fucking raindrops, it hurt so bad whenever you got hit hard by them and we all had water to our ankles (not even exaggerating, my converse are still soaked)

and because I dont really speak with my classmates outside of school I have nothing to talk with them about when we aren't doing like, school work, so I hung out with the 6th graders and was basically Steve Harrington for a whole day, being the mom on drugs with the money and responsibility I shouldn't have been given

today we had to visit our teachers home and it tales 3 x 15 minutes to get there with train and anyone who knows me well know I have the biggest fattest anxiety for public transport

so we got on the train 8dad helped me out, thank god) and we had to SPLIT UP because there wasn't enough seats so I say by two strangers and I was wearingly corset so it wasn't like I didn't have trouble breathing already

we got off of the train at the right spot and all that, thank god, didn't even cry yet, you're so good Robin. But we got off, met up with our teacher, took ANOTHER PUBLIC TRANSPORT for 20 minutes before we had to walk like 10 minutes to his apartment where we met his gf (very sweet, 10/10, had baked pizza rolls for all of us, they can get married now, they've been approved)

we finished up there after I beat everyones ass at Mario cart on the switch, we took the bus back, yada yada, still wanted to cry because I literally cannot stand public transport, it is SO SCARY. I got home, got changed, went to the little graduation party thing. Im by this point 150% tired and lacking any type of social energy. but I show up, looking good and extra (I do have pictures). we eat, felt very awkward because the classmate I was sitting with wasn't really one I talked with too much, our parents did tho. (mind you, we're only 16 people, we all know each other, I just can't speak with anyone).

our teachers holds a few speeches, we sing, yada yada, I just wanna text my gf tbh. we get home, im tired, I wanna sleep, I need it cause im going on a 2 day school trip tomorrow again, no electronics, I have to talk with people and be with kids all day from Wednesday to Thursday, I dont have the patience that takes. and when I come home my neighbours are partying, screeching Dua Lipa, Lady Gaga, Topgunn, Joey Moe, Rasmus Seebach and god knows what

okay

I think thats it

did I mention I had a 30 minute break down when I got home? no? well I did

thank you for coming to my ted talk.

0 notes

wouldnt-it-be-hilarious-if-i · 2 years

Text

6:32 am

currently listening to: letting you in by awfultune

yall this is about to be the longest rant ever im just letting it all out rn. it's honestly a godsend that no one reads these.

i've officially changed my snapchat bitmoji. i now have a bald head and i am pretty sure i will remain bald through the rest of this month. i'm so fucking tired of everything rn like i wouldn't mind the exams and final projects but i'm just so overwhelmingly sad and it hits me so freaking randomly. like i was okay an hour ago

it's probably the pmdd idk but i'm literally going to lose it. i was trying to find more resources for learning polish and i managed to find a few good ones. there really isn't a whole lot of material out there for learning it and it's really kind of pissing me off. i'm trying very hard to be not so fucking depressed but like i'm viscerally overwhelmed rn and i just want to hide under my bed and just never come out

i'm pissed too bc like 24 hours after my last final (which is today at 1), i have to be packed up and out of my dorm room, which is easily the STUPIDEST fucking rule. i haven't even had fucking time to process anything in the last two weeks, let alone pack my shit. and like it's the middle of the freaking week. y'all couldn't wait THREE MORE DAYS?

it definitely doesn't help that my room is disgusting and i smell like a sewer rat. my shirt literally has a spaghetti stain on it and i have the most infuriating lil shark fin of curls on top of my head no matter how many times i try to fix my ponytail. it really doesn't help that i've been crying for *checks watch* almost a week or something idk and i forgot the testing materials i needed for my test today and today is the last time slot for accommodated testing so yeah :)))))) that's great :)))))))

it also doesn't help that i have dance today, and i have to turn in six hundred things that ARE NOT FINISHED and pack all my shit and make sure i have a ride home bc that's never a surefire thing

i want to walk into the freaking ocean and follow my therapists advice and just take a nice deep breath (joking). i'm literally just so freaking done rn. i am holding back tears as i type this bc i'm sitting in a study room with some of my friends (we've been here since like noon yesterday). i took a nap earlier and i was okay and got a lot of work done but then i sat and tortured myself for a bit by looking at some stuff that in retrospect was clearly going to trigger a lot of emotions (abortion laws)

i've been getting upset over and over bc i told my friend that a tiktok came across my fyp that said i was an instrument of love for everyone around me and i told her it was really sweet and was something i needed to hear and she was like "it's 100% true. you really are" and of course my little rat brain had to take that and start screaming at it that i must not really be bc my own family hates me and everyone leaves me and nothing is fucking real

also my tummy hurts :(

i'm not an angry person. i'm not even angry rn but the emotions read like anger but doesn't feel like that. it's more like just complete stress. like i just want to throw shit and scream for a hundred years or until i make a cup of coffee (apparently one scream for a certain amount of time is enough energy to make one cup of coffee), and that's literally not me. and this isn't about any one thing. i'm just constantly in a state of not ok but pretending to be.

i'll be fine for like two or three hours and then i get angry about stupid things like why tf i have to do this test and not a final essay or something, or why polish is only really spoken in poland and why i'm even bothering learning it and why of all languages i could have possibly liked, it had to be that one. like i could have learned italian or mandarin or like idk german? I'm literally a quarter each german and italian like that would have been so useful in my family alone (that's a lie most of my family doesn't even speak it and my grandfather barely acknowledged his italian heritage when he was alive, let alone speak the language lmao). but like there would have at least been way more resources for learning german or italian. i could have learned hebrew (i do have many jewish friends and a focus on jewish history so like that'd make more sense) or some like dead language or something idk

but no

all i ever do is make things harder for myself of course and choose to attach myself to languages that are hard to learn by yourself and in countries where absolutely not a single penpal is responding even after three days (which is not how that penpal website usually works, i usually hear a response within a day).

i was talking to my friend about this yesterday and she was like "you know you don't have to keep learning it right, like you're allowed to stop" and then she said "or you could just do a semester abroad in Poland so you get to use it, you're acting like you're banned from the entire country or something" which are all very good points but i am not logical rn so it doesn't matter. she could have told me the way to make myself feel better is peeing like a dog on the quad and i'd be like uh huh coolcoolcool

another friend of mine told me i could just learn it for fun

which is pretty much what i'm doing rn. like i'm complaining, but i've practiced every day and taken great care to plan out my calendar to maximize my learning. i don't plan on ever stopping. i'm just tired and unhappy with every thing in the world rn

i want to eat my fingers and crack the bones like lobster shells.

god i am pathetic.

also i realized the other day something that just really stressed me out. i realized that i've deeply and entirely internalized the idea that nothing, and i mean nothing, is ever sacred. i realized it when someone complimented me on my dance clothes a few weeks ago. i said thank you and i accepted the compliment but my immediate response in my head was just that i simply believe they were lying to me.

at any given moment, someone could tell me they love me and my brain just says no they don't and i'll remain very aware of this fact. and like it's not something that makes me sad. it's just a core belief now.

everyone is temporary. even me.

even my presence is temporary. no matter what i do, the ease with which people peel me out of their lives really proves that. i don't see it any other way anymore.

i do my part, i love hard, but i expect no one to stay, no one to mean the words coming out of their mouth, no one to last. i've been thinking really hard about this, and i realized that even in times where things are so good and i feel so loved and valued

a little voice in my brain says very quietly "this won't last the month." or "it's nice now, but it's too good. i give it a week before the other shoe drops." or "those are all nice words, but they're all lies so don't believe a word they say"

and i'm right every time

every single time

and yet it still surprises me lmao as if every step of the way i didn't anticipate it coming very soon. like i realized that i put so much effort into doing everything right and perfectly because i know it's going to happen and i want to make sure it doesn't. mentally i want them to stay so bad, but i want to protect myself, so i just spend all my time trying to make it real hard for them to leave me.

i love so hard and so entirely and with such reckless abandon and i never stop showing how much i care, even to the very last second when they're actively never coming back. even afterward all im thinking about is just all the things i said wrong and everything i could have done differently.

and i've done this since i was a freaking child. like when i was little, i'd spend so much time trying to be the perfect little sister to make sure i was never a bother to my siblings and to make them love me bc i knew it was so easy for them to switch up on me.

like i'm starting to think i don't have trust and abandonment issues. i'm starting to think maybe im just right lmao

and you know nothing triggers me more than hearing my friends tell me im a good person or that this isn't my fault bc my brain just short circuits and replies, "if good, why people leave? why father treat you that way? why family act like you are bother? why friends stop inviting places and talking?" and i think about all the times when everything was going to well and where i did everything right and where i was very careful, and they still left, or all the times when i did none of those things and just tried to be myself, and they left, or when i was 100% convinced that that person would never ever leave and then they up and left the very next day

i am the most replaceable person on the planet. good and sweet as i am, i am very easy to forget and very easy to leave.

and i wish i could say i'll never let another person in ever again in my life, but it's a fucking lie bc everyone whose ever left me (except my dad) could come back and apologize and id cry for hours over the relief from the them sized hole in my heart no longer being empty and i'd forgive them and let them in in seconds. i hurt so much and yet i still love and i can't tell if that makes it a radical act or just a really fucking stupid one

god i don't have enough years of insurance left for the amount of therapy i need

anyway i was watching the secret world of polly flint and i was watching her twirl around and around in a circle (twizzle is apparently the word for this) with her arms out before falling into the grass. and i thought about how i really don't do that enough anymore. so i think i might just disappear into the ether and twirl until i throw up for the rest of the summer.

maybe that's what i need to expel the dark energy inside of me

to just spin in circles in a pretty white dress in the middle of a field and talk to animals and disappear into secret worlds the way i did when i was little and pretended that every day of my life wasn't violently traumatizing. just stand in the middle of the woods and close my eyes and listen to the birds, or crawl along grass and beneath bushes and plant sugar cubes and sweet cream for the fairies to find.

anyway, to end on a positive note, i learned a new polish phrase that i will be trying to smash into my brain

Jakoś to będzie.

maybe after today (when everything is turned in and finished), i'll feel better. i'll pet my dogs and sleep in my own bed for a week and eat only goldfish crackers and snuggle with all my squishmallows and other stuffed animals and go crystal shopping with my best friend and everything will be okay again. ill go and twizzle in a field, build fairy houses and focus on the things i can control. and then things will be okay. and i won't be constantly on the verge of losing it.

i have lots of things to look forward to next week---my first private polish and spanish lessons, being able to lay in bed and just read and write for hours, a summer of ballet lessons, school being over until july (im doing summer school unfortunately), watching downton abbey for the billionth time and going to my best friend's chicken farm.

things can't be so bad on a chicken farm, right?

0 notes

fallinforgyu · 2 years

Note

hey bunny bun please please take care of yourself 😤❤️ if u don’t, no kisses for you 🤨

i see that your days have been a lil busy and hectic so I really do hope you’re getting as much rest as you can and answering this after a good rest and some snacks (also your cup of water, drink yo water 🧚🏻‍♀️)

i wanted to tell you that now I’m starting my own small business!!1! (literally just starting, I’m just making the pieces and when I have like ten or fifteen I’ll start actually selling them) and I’m very very excited about it :3

the money is mostly to keep paying my private korean classes cause they are quite expensive (i did the conversion and it’s like 28 dollars per hour) and I’m supposed to have them twice a week :// my mom was okay with it but honestly it’s like so much money and i have a sister that also has her own stuff that needs payment so I decided to start helping pay them, when I finish some of the pieces I’ll send you some pics so you can see what they are ✋🏻❤️❤️

n e ways, I’ll share another fun fact about me:

i loooove watching stuff, like any stuff (except scary shit like hell noooo) that i find interesting I’ll watch it

documentaries? cool. video essays? awesome movies? the best. shows on netflix? the best way to waste my time. asmr compilations on Instagram or YouTube? sign me the fuck up 😫

my favorite genre of shows are mostly comedy, drama and maybe some romance but like very subtle haha like i love love but only when I read it not so much watch it idk why

some of my favorite shows are: modern family, brooklyn nine nine, glee (it’s like my comfort show and YES i know it’s so problematic but man i grew up with this shit and i love jane lynch so much), the end of the fucking world, arcane, and I just recently watched ‘bunny girl senpai’ (which it’s actually my first anime ever) and it wrecked mE

side note: I also love when stuff makes me cry, like I’m already a sensitive bitch but crying idk I just love suffering I guess idk (emotional pain kink lol) like the harder it makes me cry the better 🤠

what are some of your favorite shows? 🥺

please take care and im sorry If my messages are always long :(( I try to shorten them but I talk a lot and thus I also write a lot 🥴

rest as much as you can and please please please take your time with everything <33

love you and seriously rest 🧸🤎🤎

-🦔 anon

🦔 anon you're so cute i always love reading your asks bby 🥺❤️ i promise i'm taking care of myself, don't worry about me!! <3

and OMG THAT'S AMAZING!!!! i'm so proud of you bby!! i hope your business is successful and your lessons go well!!! :D <3

and pls i totally understand i love watching stuff too!! glee was one of my favorites growing up so i'm definitely not gonna judge you for watching it don't worry 😭😭❤️ my favorite shows are cowboy bebop, derry girls, haikyuu, and freaks and geeks!!! :D but i've lately been rewatching my hero academia, and i forgot how much i love it 😚💞💞

and i love sad stuff too don't worry bestie!! i live for angst </3 please take care of yourself too, okay?? 🥺💞💞💞 i hope you're doing well and i'm sending you all my love mwah mwah mwah <3 love you so so much!!! 😚❤️❤️❤️❤️

#🦔 anon #bunny's mailbox 📬

1 note · View note