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Damages 2.2 - Voting, walking, reading and planning

Diving right back in after the last chapter. Going to see precisely how people react to Blake's announcement.

> I could see the looks on their faces. The adults had damn good poker masks, but even they were showing that my words had had an effect. A woman in the Behaim circle reached for her husband’s hand, without taking her eyes off me, as though she thought she were the only one reaching for a measure of security. Except almost everyone had a little clue like that. The kids most of all. > > I’d give three groups safe passage. Somehow, with the how of it to be negotiated when I’d done more research. > > It was interesting, to see how they all reacted to that tidbit. I tried to take it in, taking note of who’d reacted the most. Who was most insecure? Who was more secure? The responses they offered and the scale of those responses told me a lot. > > The Duchamps were good at hiding their emotions. Even down to the eight or ten year old girls sitting beside their mothers, they showed less of a reaction than many of the Behaim adults did on the other side of the aisle. > > Johannes was still smiling, and the girl Maggie was leaning forward now, clearly interested. > > The girl Laird had referred to as a terrorist and the guy I wasn’t supposed to interact with under any circumstances. > > “Hey, that sort of sounds like a threat,” a girl said. > > I turned my head to see the witch hunter. She held a gun. > > “No, Eva,” the boy said. “It wasn’t.” > > She pointed the gun at me. I was so focused on the forces arrayed on the benches and around the edges of the room that it took me a moment to process what that meant. A slight pull on the trigger, and I was gone. > > Fuck, she had her finger on the trigger. > > “Someone say the word,” Eva said. “Threatening people, could be out of control. Say the word, tell me he’s too dangerous to leave alive.”

A bit of a trigger-happy person isnt her? I dont see much of a future partnership coming from the witch hunters. They seem almost eager to just end everyone if they could get away with it.

> “No,” Laird cut in. “Not with the things Rose might have put in place. If there are special measures at work, we can’t act.” > > Eva dropped the gun to point it at the floor. She smiled at me when I looked up at her face. > > “Are you assuming he’s telling us the truth,” the Duchamp family’s leader said. The blonde woman I’d seen talking to Laird. She looked like the sort of person who would be the queen bitch at PTA meetings. > > “I can’t lie,” I said. > > “That doesn’t mean you’re telling us the truth,” she said. > > “I’m pretty sure that’s what it means,” I said. > > “What you’re saying and what you’re telling us are very different things,” she said. “Why are you focused on your seat? You left something behind.” > > Right. Enchantress. She could see the connections between things. > > “I have help,” I said. “Help my grandmother left me.” > > I could see her eyes studying me. Roving over my body, my clothes, and very pointed locations around me. > > “Yes. A companion.” > > “A vestige,” Laird said. > > Vestige? > > “Of Rose?” the North End Sorcerer asked, his eyebrows raised. > > “Yes,” Padraic spoke out loud, at the same Laird said, “I don’t think so.” > > I could see a few glances being exchanged at that discrepancy. > > “There is something else out there,” she said. “Back in the house. It’s not cooperating with him at this point in time.” > > Damn.

Good that she cant see exactly what. Its just open enough that it doesnt exactly muck with the entire plan.

> “That’s not reassuring,” Johannes said. “Just the opposite. A mad dog running rampant is often scarier than a dog on a leash being set on targets.” > > “It depends on who’s holding the leash, doesn’t it?” I asked. > > The Sorcerer dipped his head in a single nod, “It does. Which is why I said often. At this point, from the sense I have of you, I would be more concerned about an unleashed dog than an attack dog at your control.” > > I was very, very aware of all the eyes on me. Many of which were inhuman. One small disparaging remark, but there were a lot of ears to hear it. > > “I’ve said most of what I needed to say…” I told them, trailing off as I tried to collect my thoughts. I thought of what I’d seen in the visions. The way Laird had talked about sitting back, there being no need to act. In the end, it had been someone else that had set those bird-skull things on me. > > They were cooperating. Taking turns, negotiating with each other. > > I needed to put a stop to that. Or throw a wrench into it. And I had to think of Molly. > > “…I’m making one more offer. An altered version of the deal I just gave you. I’m willing to do what I can to protect you against any of my grandmother’s demons that happen to run rampant, and I’d still give you free reign to come after me. I’ll protect an enemy, if my condition is met. Identify the person responsible for my cousin’s death. This deal, obviously, is off the table if you did it.” > > Cops in cop shows liked to do the whole thing where they’d put two perps in different rooms and let them sweat over whether the other guy would turn them in.

Difference is, this time you can be the cop that takes and offers bribes with no repercussion.

> Maybe I was disarming myself, on a level, but I still didn’t want to use the devils. If I could ratchet up the paranoia or turn them against one another, it was worth it. > > I took in the crowd. Now that the alarm was fading, my chance to see any more tells was gone. I could only lose out by standing up there any longer. > > I walked down the aisle, and I took my seat on the pew. > > Laird took his position at the front. He was still wearing the longer coat, hands in his pocket as he half-sat on the stage or chancel or altar or whatever it was supposed to be called.

I'm hoping to see some outside interactions. If this doesnt throw a wrench into the plans, something has to. And I would very much like to know how eveyone stands with one another as of right now since Laird's views were proba ly majorly biased.

> “Well,” he said. “Let’s get this out of the way. Who’s interested in taking the deal?” > > Wait. What? > > “Not seeing any raised hands,” Laird said. “It’ll be good if we get this out of the way, before it gets messy.” > > Negotiating here? Now? I’d hoped for more backstabbing, a little more chaos. > > “Maggie, was it? You perked up when he made the offer.” > > “I sort of am,” she called out, from beside me. She glanced at me, but she looked a little concerned. “I’ve seen how things go bad, if you let them. And that was only goblins, I think. So how bad are these things?” > > “They’re very bad,” Laird said. “There have been cases where small towns disappeared after one got loose. Outsiders were called in, the offending Others were dealt with, and the areas were written off. One big symbol was drawn out in each area, to drive away the surviving locals and any visitors. They made some efforts to erase the areas from the books, and they became the towns you pass by on road trips, but never visit. Presentable when seen from a distance. When this happens in bigger cities, well, you can erase a great deal of evidence with a large enough fire or a natural disaster.” > > That was a little more serious than anything I’d read about.

Natural disasters confirmed as possible spells. No wonder, with the exposition of spirtis we got earlier.

> “I’ve seen something like that happen before,” Maggie said. “But it wasn’t… whatever you’re talking about. Small spot, bit of a disaster, everything cleared out. Now there’s an entire area of town people avoid.” > > “I believe many of us know what you’re referring to.” > > “Well, why is this so much worse? That’s a rhetorical question. I get that it’s a big deal, from the way you’re acting, and because I can sense that much. But I’m curious about the why and how.” > > “Let me help you understand. Many of us here have discussed options, with the Thorburn family in mind. We’ve grown up with this danger in mind. I’ve talked about it with my wife,” Laird said. He paused for a second, glancing at his wife. I could see her move, her arm going around her children or relatives. Two boys, two girls. > > Laird drew in a deep breath, then told Maggie, “If it came down to it and Blake Thorburn sent something like that after my family, if I didn’t have measures in place, or if I didn’t feel my measures would hold, then I would use gun, knife, bludgeon, or whatever I had at my disposal to kill my family before that thing could reach them. Because I love my family too much to do otherwise.” > > There was near-silence, punctuated only by some sniggering from some of the things I took to be goblins. > > “It’s a big deal then,” Maggie said. “Why aren’t you taking the offer?” > > “Because I do have measures that should be effective. I told Mr. Thorburn as much. Successfully managing this situation and ensuring that things progress smoothly means safeguarding the bit players. I have the means to protect myself, I can give some to the Duchamp family as a pre-wedding gift, if they’re willing. If Crone Mara, you and the woods girl take the deal, most of us are protected. Blake Thorburn is rendered impotent, or he makes a mistake and removes himself as a threat.”

I wonder what measures are enough for freaking demons if holding them in one place requires a mound of boar carcasses. Everyone seems rather confident, which looks like something that can get them into trouble if Blake goes nuts after this meeting. I mean, I wouldnt be calling Rose a demonologist if she only had a single demon.

> “And destroys us all?” Mrs. Duchamp asked. > > “That is something we can work on, but it’s a risk nonetheless.” > > Maggie sat back, propping one of her winter boots up against the book-holder on the back of the pew in front, where the bibles and hymn sheets or whatevers were held. “This sounds an awful lot like a trap.” > > “It is,” Laird said. “Primarily for Mr. Thorburn, removing all possible leverage he might hold. I feel the risk to you if you take the deal is far smaller than if you don’t.” > > “But it’s still a little trap for me. For us,” Maggie said. “And I’m betting that when all’s said and done, you come out ahead.” > > “Yes. Alongside the Duchamps, in keeping with our alliance. But we’re all better off, Mr. Thorburn excepted, and he would be largely removed as a threat.” > > “No. Drat that,” Maggie said. “Drat you. I’ll do what I want.”

Blake, we have a Maggie, she’s ours. Also drat is a very lame slur. Any promises to never swear in her past? Maybe just growing up with a strict family?

> Her way of swearing seemed odd. It had in the vision where I’d first seen her, too. I felt a measure of relief and concern. She wasn’t an ally, per se, but at least she wasn’t playing Laird’s game. > > Laird said, “I thought I was being polite, including you. Johannes, Crone Mara, and the girl from the glades, then?” > > “I seem to be your last pick among the local practitioners,” Johannes said. When I craned my head to look, he was smirking. “I’m mildly offended.”

I'm still glad that people seem to be super not into whatever Laird is focusing on, mostly.

> “Offended or not, are you interested? We might as well settle this now.” > > “I’ll hear what the Briar Girl and Mara have to say, before I make any decision.” > > The Briar Girl shifted position. She was plain, her hair a mess, with a twig stuck in the back somewhere. Her winter clothes were layered, a little scuffed at the edges of the sleeves and pant leg. She was wearing pyjamas beneath the jeans. > > The spirit walked along the back of the pew with a coyote’s legs, until it stood directly behind her, leaning in to whisper in her ear with a beaked mouth. > > “When the house’s occupants are gone, the woods and marshes there are mine,” she said. > > “In what sense?” Laird asked. > > “In every sense. I want it like Johannes has the north end.” > > “You want it uncontested as your demesnes, you mean.” > > “Yes.” > > “A bit too steep of a price, I suspect. You’re not paying attention to the context of this situation. We need to drain the marshes to let the city expand, which is something we require to further all of our interests, yours included.” > > “I am paying attention. I don’t care,” the Briar Girl said. The spirit’s beak was partially open still by her ear, serrated with sawlike teeth. One of its large yellow eyes were fixated on Laird. “The city will expand all the same, but it will expand slower. More expensive for you. It’ll still get where you want it to get. When it does, I’ll have all those woods and marshes. One way or another.” > > “I see. Then there’s no use in asking the others,” Laird said. > > “I doubt I would have accepted, in any case,” Johannes said. “Just saying.”

I still like you Johannes. Your way of speaking and your dog all appease my interests.

> I glanced at Mara. She sat alone, eyes fixed in front of her, hands in her lap, very still. > > Nobody had really talked to her yet. Did she say or do anything? > > Laird was nodding, frowning. > > “My rose has done what she aimed to,” Padraic said. “You’ve offended two of us, Aimon Behaim. Johannes and me both.” > > “I’m not Aimon, my name is Laird,” Laird said. > > Padraic looked a touch annoyed at being corrected. “Aimon, Laird, Lame Airhard, no matter. You’ve wounded me, ignoring me in this critical moment. I have far more to lose than you, don’t I? An immortal lifespan, against, what, thirty more of your years? Twenty of your wife’s? Sixty two of one daughter’s, fifty one of another, one of a son’s life? Add them together for your family as they are now and you have, what?”

Laird not read up on this little quirk in Others? Where they dont recognize lineage and call you by the name of your ancestors? First hint in the story where we know something someone else doesnt if thats the case and that counts as something for me.

> One of his companions I hadn’t yet met said something under his breath. The numbers Padraic had given were eerily specific. Laird didn’t even flinch, hearing them, didn’t glance at his children.

Probably maximum possible natural lifespan. That "one year" one though is eerie.

> “Eight hundred and seven years, for your extended family? Paltry,” Padraic said. He made a face, “In terms of the years I’m expected to live, I’m much more important. Yet you dismiss me.” > > “I’d planned to make offers to you and many of the remaining Others, to ensure everyone was on stable footing before proceeding,” Laird said. > > “Well,” Padraic said, leaning back, “What would you offer? I’m going to be insulted if you don’t make a good suggestion, now.” > > “Despite the fact that we’re no longer negotiating?” > > “Exactly so. It’s a question of my pride. How do you value my remaining lifespan, Behaim?” > > “I’d thought I might offer to talk to the Queen that exiled you, and see if I could offer to make you a familiar to one of my grandchildren. I could fund him or her, so they could travel, freeing you from your imprisonment here for a time.” > > “She wouldn’t accept, and the offer is weak at best,” Padraic said. “Putting the rest of my life at risk for a mere forty or so years of mild adventure? Try again.” > > I clenched my hands in my lap. Had I set Laird back, here? A small success? > > “Your kind aren’t in my realm of expertise. Sandra? I apologize for asking, but-” > > The Duchamp’s leader nodded, all the way in the frontmost pew. The blonde PTA-bitch woman stood as Laird sat down beside his wife. She composed herself, then said, “What would you ask for, Patrick?” > > “That’s cheating.” > > “I’m still asking. I’ll try to make you a counteroffer.” > > “One of Laird’s generations. Grandchildren, grand-nieces and nephews, and the children of his cousins.”

Are this the people that follow him, i wonder what he gets from it. They look constantly enebriated from what I remember, they talked about partying too. Maybe he somehow needs company, or just demands it. Maybe it extends his lifespan in turn in some way. Very curious this group's tendency to seek taking people for themselves.

> “That has the unfortunate consequence of ending his line.” > > Padraic smiled. “I could return them, more or less in one piece. Let them age up to twenty or so, educate them. It would be novel, and if we kept some in reserve and staggered out when and how we returned them, we could amuse ourselves for hundreds of years.” > > “I see,” Sandra Duchamp said. “Here’s my counteroffer: what if I offered a messenger?” > > “The Queen won’t listen,” Padraic said, sighing. > > “To other banished Faerie, in other cities and towns. Until our family line ends or the Queen is replaced and the court dynamic changes up once again.” > > “Springtime,” Padraic said. “Mm. That would have been a good offer. Paved the way for an insurrection of sorts.” > > “Perhaps,” Sandra Duchamp said. “That would be dangerous for my family. I was thinking of maintaining some connection to the courts, in a peripheral manner.” > > “Nonetheless, I’m pacified. I no longer feel slighted.” > > “Then,” Sandra Duchamp said, “Thorburn’s offer remains open, I will know who accepts it, if anyone does. Let’s set that matter aside so we’re free to move on. The murder of Molly Walker?” > > Laird responded without standing, “It’s largely under wraps. The investigation will hit a dead end on its own.” > > “Any assistance needed?” > > “No. I’ll keep an eye on things.” > > “Good,” Sandra said. It seemed like she was leading things, now. Was leadership exchanged so easily? “In terms of more mundane business… Toronto is currently in the dark. Provided there aren’t any further interruptions, my family should be able to divert attention for the time being. I’ve had a short discussion with the Lord of Ottawa, and she is on board, keeping her subservients at bay.” > > “The smaller towns in the GTA?” The Briar Girl asked.

All this talk of Lords and Queens, ever since Grandma's chapter actually, I'm wondering what that implies and if Jacob's Bell has one. I'm thinking they dont hold the influence yet and are trying to figure that out. Probably trying to be one of the two main families, but things like Johannes sets that back.

> “Stable, expressing no interest and exerting no pressure. I see only three or four individuals or groups that might make an active play, and they are doing no such thing. The remainder would sell us out to Toronto’s Lord or try to sell us out to Ottawa and inform us. For the time being, we’re the only individuals in play, here.” > > There were nods all around. I saw some of the Others leaving. Apparently those were the only major points they were interested in hearing. > > “Next order of business. I’m obligated to call it to a vote. Flagrant use of one’s practice in public, acting against the local powers. Maggie Holt.” > > The witch hunter girl at the front perked up at that. So did Maggie. > > “Excusable use,” Maggie said. “Nobody even thought it was anything suspicious.” > > “To sanction the use of the Jacob’s Bell witch hunters to execute Maggie Holt, please vote,” Sandra Duchamp declared. > > The Briar Girl raised her staff. One member of Laird’s family, a teenage boy with brown hair, raised a golden disc, held between crossed index and middle fingers. He looked back at Maggie, and she rolled her eyes. > > Nobody else in the room raised their implements. Not even the woman who called the vote. What was the proper course of action if we didn’t have implements to raise? Raising our hands? Or were we not allowed to vote? > > “Two yeas, the remainder of the votes are nay. The execution is not passed,” Sandra Duchamp said. “Be careful. You have very few friends here. When we’re not following so soon after one execution, we may prove more willing to vote against you.”

Oh? Who was executed? Molly? I'm still thinking btw that not everyone who was interested in Blake's offer would voice themselves. And I'm highly suspicious of all this interest of outaide parties and how they dont know or shouldnt know about how the city is going in and trying to establish itself. Good to know we seem to be between Ottawa and the GTA in Ontario.

> I saw Maggie sit back a little. She was a little relieved, or she’d hidden the tension well. > > The discussion continued, along the same lines. Outside players, minor internal disputes over who was doing what, and all of the other details that went into maintaining the balance of power. > > ■ > > “…And with that, the meeting is called to order,” Laird Behaim said. He’d taken over again when Sandra’s voice had started to give out. He opened his pocket watch. “Seven forty-four.” > > That seemed to be the end of it. The remaining crowd picked up and got ready to leave, pulling on winter clothes, gathering implements and tools. I was among them, getting my jacket on before pulling on the backpack of weapons and tools. > > Many of the Others were gone. Most of the ones who remained were still human in appearance. > > Nobody seemed interested in talking to me, so I made my way outside. > > “Not exactly the result you wanted,” Rose murmured, as we passed outside. The mirror was still sticking out of the top of my backpack. > > “Not a bad result either,” I said. “Do you object? Bad plan?” > > “No. I would have liked more time to consider it, but there are worse ideas. What was with that bit at the end? You won’t use devils to attack someone, but they can attack you?” > > I nodded. “I needed some incentive. I didn’t have time to stand there thinking about it, so I went with the most obvious thing.” > > “Right. Well. Thoughts?” > > “Getting home, seeing if anyone expresses interest, get more reading done.” > > “Shopping? Food?” > > “Stores close in twelve minutes, and I don’t want to dally. If it comes down to it, I can live off what’s in the house now, at least until next month.” > > “Grim,” Rose said. > > “Tell me about it,” I said. “Remind me of this idiotic call, a little while from now.” > > “Will do.” > > “Something else we need to talk about,” I said, “Is this vestige thing. It’s the… second or third time I’ve heard it, and I’m pretty sure you referenced it, one of those times.” > > “Talking to yourself, Mr. Thorburn?” > > I wheeled around. Rather than stop, I kept walking backwards. > > Johannes and Maggie. North End Sorcerer and the girl with the checkered scarf.

Together eh? She seems to be getting around as you can get for practitioners and others in Jacob's Bell

> And, I had to note, a small contingent of goblins. The dog walked alongside Johannes, through slush and snow, the long hair not getting wet or dirty. Johannes wore a white coat, and it was pristine. > > Maggie, by contrast, had specks and spots of gray-brown grime on her leggings, with circles of wet spreading around them. Her skirt and hair blew around in the wind, and she hunched over, hands jammed in her pockets, as she trudged on. > > Most of the goblins were children, paying very little attention to us as they hopped onto nearby cars or walls. Two were large. Gorilla-like things, ugly as hell, stark naked, their faces bent in permanent scowls. A child-like goblin jumped on the shoulders of one of the larger ones. A moment later, it was seized and smashed against the nearest lightpost. > > “I’m talking to my companion,” I said. Might as well admit it. > > “Yes. You are,” Johnannes said. “I’m liking how quickly you’re picking this up. The language, turns of phrase used to redirect, to mislead. You’re talking to your companion, yes, but you’re not denying that you’re talking to yourself.” > > He knew? Even Laird hadn’t made any obvious connections. > > “You’ve been watching?” I asked. > > “Yes. Everyone has, to some degree.”

That was to be expected. All those Others were probably serving under someone when not by themselves.

> “You up for the deal?” I asked. > > “Didn’t you hear?” Johannes asked. “Behaim wants us to take the deal. It leaves everything in the hands of the two more powerful circles in Jacob’s Bell. Chaos is minimized, and they can take whatever action they need to in order to remove you.” > > “Why not call an execution against me?” I asked. “Seems easy enough.” > > “Laird promised you safety. He’s walking a fine line, trying to keep you in a position to threaten others while ensuring you’re manageable and that the situation stays stable,” Johannes said. “It’s most advantageous to him, because it lets him present traps to Maggie, the Briar Girl, Mara and me like he did tonight. He’s secure enough that any trouble you cause will set others back more than it sets him back. If you fail in that role, he kills you and finds an equilibrium with the next heir.” > > Maggie said, “It’s like he lives his life by the ticking of that clock of his, orderly, tidy, neat, but he thrives on controlled chaos.”

I forgot about that! I Thought he only needed to protect Blake in his presence during that one walk out for coffee! And the controlled chaos thing makes sense. If I didnt imagine it, his clock did look overcomplicated didnt it?

> “If-” a voice started behind me. It cut off when I turned. Rose. “If the execution was only stayed today because of the promise he made, what’s stopping him from doing it next month?” > > “A very good question, miss…?” Johannes let the question hang. > > “I don’t know if I should answer that.” > > “Miss Mirror. A good question,” Johannes said. “The obvious answer is that he won’t call for an execution if you’re useful to him. He can use the threat you pose as a distraction or a tool, apparently. He’s not worried, because he seems to think he has an answer to whatever you might send his way. How is that? How would he know what you have at your disposal and how to respond?” > > “Aimon,” Rose said. “She was close to Aimon, once?”

Very close. Might even be some Behaim blood in our character's veins.

> “Well, that’s one idea,” Johannes said. “You can then give some thought to a way around it. If you were to get your hands on a dark Other of horrendous power, is it possible that Laird might not have an answer to it?” > > “Depends on what the answer is,” I said. “Could be some contract she made with every Other in her books. Could be a tool, or some excerpts from the books.” > > “Very true,” Johannes said. “So?” > > “So,” Rose said. “I’m wondering why you’re ‘helping’ us.” > > “Are you wondering?” Johannes replied. “Mr. Blake Thorburn, why do you think I’m helping?”

I'm supposing Aimon was some kind of practitioner specialized in defense spells. And the only theory I currently have for Johannes being here is that he is a cool guy who is probably going to turn out bad and then I will be sad. In all seriousness,he only has to gain from making the two other bigger factions of the town not compete with him as the city expands.

> “Maybe because it’s a danger to Laird, and you lose nothing if I fail.” > > “If you fail badly enough, I could lose everything. In order of severity, there’s failure where you’re ineffectual, failure where you get yourself killed, and greater failure still where you might get everyone here killed. But yes. I lose nothing of substance by helping, and I could see Laird Behaim unseated, removed or disconcerted. I like that,” Johannes said.

I also like that

> “Which brings us back to what we were talking about before,” Maggie said. “How do you mess with Laird? I’m thinking, if he’s got his protections, he either has them on his person, which is unlikely since he’s protecting his whole family. They could be more abstract sorts of protections, or he’s set them up somewhere.” > > I nodded slowly. “Abstract meaning something like my grandmother made a promise to Aimon that the Behaims would all be safe, then signed deals to put it into motion.” > > No. It didn’t make sense that she’d leave me something like that if there was no way to use it against Laird. I didn’t say that out loud. > > “And?” Johannes asked, cutting into the silence that had followed my statement. > > “The prepared protections,” Rose said, “Are protections that are arranged already. Safe ground?” > > Johannes nodded. “It could be barriers, weapons, wards, or other safeguards. He prepares them in advance, then pulls his family back to safety if he expects you’re going to attack. It’s likely it would be somewhere accessible.” > > I said, “That means I’d have to find his place. If I disposed of the safeguards and prevented him from erecting any more, he loses his bargaining chip.” > > “That would be the natural conclusion,” Johannes said. “Getting into his place to do anything would be the real difficulty. His home is his demesnes, and any protections he has against demons, devils and infernal things might be supplemented with protection against the practitioner that might command them.” > > Over and over again, there were these dead ends. Couldn’t get a familiar, implement, or demesnes without other assets. Couldn’t attack Laird. > > “You’re not really thinking about doing this, are you?” Rose asked. Asked me. > > “No,” I said. “I don’t think it’s doable.”

You cant do those things without outside help. Much like this one visit. Fuck please dont be baiting the two of them to waste time and run out of safeground.

> “I don’t either,” Johannes said. “Returning us to the question of how you protect yourself. From a vote of execution or otherwise. You most likely can’t scare him into submission, you won’t be able to maintain the balance he wants indefinitely. Which would only be delaying the inevitable, by the by. That leaves you two options, as I see it.” > > He had a tone to his voice. As though he was waiting for me to ask what those options were. > > Why? > > I’d ask and he would… > > “You want payment, in exchange for you sharing what those options are?” I asked. > > “Or you can name them yourself. I’m not picky,” he said. > > We walked on in silence, boots squeaking and crunching in the snow. > > “When we first saw you, you offered help. For a price,” Rose said. > > “That’s one of the two options,” Johannes said. “I’m suspicious that any price I ask would be minor at best, compared to what you’d have to pay one of Rose Thorburn’s Otheracquaintances. If you know what I mean.” > > There was a moment of silence as we considered. Johannes seemed content to enjoy the silence. Maggie was quiet in general.

Why is she here anyways? Grandma and or her family seem to have done expensive things during their time since everyone seems to know about their debts.

> I asked, “They’re both allied against me? The Behaim Circle and Duchamp coven?” > > “Most likely. They’re united by the marriage that is coming to pass. It makes them powerful. Not as powerful as me, but powerful.” > > I nodded. “And I can’t stop the marriage? Split them apart?”

I doubt you can do much to bonds relating to enchantresses.

> “I don’t imagine you could. The idea I had was a simpler one. Think. What’s the issue you face?” > > The issue? Me being in Maggie’s shoes, seeing those hands go up, and the witch hunter with awful trigger etiquette. > > “If the danger is a vote of execution,” I said, “We could theoretically win over enough people that they couldn’t get the majority.” > > “Do all members of the family count?” Rose asked. “There’s no way, if they do.” > > “The senior member of each family unit gets one vote,” Johannes said. “All put together, that is three from the Duchamps, and four from the Behaims.” > > “Seven,” I said. > > “Myself, Maggie, The Briar Girl, Mara, Padraic, two Others, at a minimum,” Johannes said. “You might want more, in case any Others decide to vote against you. A slim chance, but you have one month.” > > “Except I can’t step outside for that one month,” I said. “I do, I have to face down whatever spells or traps they’ve laid for me.” > > “I’m hated,” Johannes said. “Why am I free to roam?” > > “You’re powerful,” I said. I glanced back at the goblins. “And you’ve got help.” > > Another catch-twenty-two. Get powerful so I could go outside, but I needed to go outside so I could get more powerful. > > It all came down to power. > > “If it’s not a vote of execution you face, having any or all of the named individuals helping you would still protect you against the family. Win each of us over, use us.” > > “Be used in turn,” Rose said. > > “Naturally,” Johannes said.

Something I think Blake isn't exactly quite ready to do is compromise. But I cant blame him. He physically cant compromise in his situation, enough problems, things to worry about and debts.

> “Speaking of. You have the one measure that was put in place,” Rose said. > > Measure? I turned my head. > > Oh. She was talking about what I’d brought up at the meeting. I’d been talking about Rose, but I’d let them think I was talking about something else. Something that could release the barber if I was hurt or killed. > > Would fear work? > > “I do,” I said. “I’m not really a fan of any option that works only after I get brutally murdered.” > > Leading Johannes and Maggie to believe that there was a safeguard in place. But the truth was, I wasn’t a fan of that sort of option. Generally speaking. > > “Food for thought,” Johannes said. He pointed at a busier road, though ‘busy’ was a misleading term, when one referred to sleepy Jacob’s Bell. A car every minute or two. “I’m going this way.” > > “You’re not taking the deal?” I asked, again. > > “We’ll see. There’s no rush,” he said. “We really should talk again. You know where to find me. Ask politely before you come, and there should be no issue. Miss Mirror?” > > “Yes?” Rose asked. > > “You would find yourself in good company, should you visit.” > > With that, he walked off, his familiar beside him, goblins following, darting into shadows as cars passed down the road. > > Leaving me with Maggie and the two largest goblins. > > “Good company?” Rose asked. > > “You’re an Other,” Maggie said. “That place is like an Other’s amusement park. There, it’s like the old days, before the Seal of Solomon. Before humans were really able to fend for themselves.” > > “This is sanctioned?” I asked. Hard to imagine there hadn’t been a vote against Johannes. > > “No,” Maggie said. “What does it matter? The area is his. Purely his. The only person who gets a say is him.”

Does he just respect Others that much? I like his style a lot either way.

> “That doesn’t sound like my kind of company,” Rose said. “Killing people, picking them off…” > > “Maybe he meant something else?” Maggie asked. She shrugged in answer to her own question.

I really doubt there is just a corner of town where people get picked off to get killed by Others. Laird would give a shit about that.

> “We’re walking this way,” I pointed. “You?” > > “Same. Straight all the way down to the lake.” > > “Same direction for a bit, then turning off to one side,” I said. > > Maggie looked back at her giant goblins, said, “Come on.” > > We walked together. > > “You’re friends with Johannes?” I asked. > > “Not really. I mean, some common ground. Acquaintances, but not friends. Neither of us are big fans of the old guard. But, you know, you can’t really interact fairly with someone when there’s this big an imbalance in power.” > > “No,” Rose said. > > I didn’t have anything to say to that. > > “Blake is a member of the old guard,” Rose said. “Just so it’s clear. Old family, old knowledge.” > > “But you two are clueless,” Maggie said. “You don’t know jack. You just got awakened, you just got introduced to this whole shebang.”

Just how did you begin with then? You are a girl, in the woods maybe or at least thats where we saw you if my memory isnt failing me, who taught you the ropes, the ins and outs?

> “Give us time,” I said. “We’re working on it.” > > “The rest of those guys out there? They don’t want you to have time. They’re going to use you, get you killed, then do the same for all the rest of them.” > > “And you?” I asked. > > “And me. I might be happier if you stay alive. That way there are more chances to use you. I don’t get much from offing you. Bit of a boost in raw power, but that only puts the grand kibosh on all of this. The guys in charge stay in charge, and us runts stay on the bottom. What’s the point of moving everyone up five rungs on the ladder, if you’re still going to be three rungs below the next pleb?” > > “I think that depends on your motivations,” I said. “If you’re trying to achieve something, then it’s good. If you want power for power’s sake, then no, it doesn’t help.” > > We had reached the street I turned off at. I stopped, and Maggie stopped too. > > “What do you want?” she asked. > > I thought back to the oath I’d made while awakening. “Freedom, safety, I want to help my family, past, present and future. I want to help my… companion here.” > > “Yeah?” Maggie asked. “Huh.” > > “What do you want?” Rose asked. > > “I can’t put it to words. I feel dumb if I say it out loud. But power helps everything. Knowledge is power. I want knowledge and power.” > > “Where’d you get knowledge in the first place?” I asked.

Hey Maggie did you know we have a FAT ASS THICC STASH of sum o' dat good ol' "knowdge" at the house?? Also good to see she has a deeper motivation. I'm imagining she has some real sentimental aspirations. For some reason "revitalizing a place taken over by someone else in power" came to mind. But I dont know if she has enough history in this town for that, we will see.

> She reached for her bag, rifled inside, and retrieved a small binder. > > “All here,” she said. She hugged it against her stomach with both hands. > > The way pages stuck out, how some of them seemed like newspaper, some like printer paper, and some clearly lined, it seemed more like a scrapbook than what it really was. A tome, a spellbook.

Well that anwsers that doesnt it?

> “Where’d you get that?” I asked. “Or… how did you make it?” > > “Started off with a bit. Long story. Gathered the rest myself, piece by piece. Dealing, trading, competing for it.” > > “Want more?” I asked. > > She raised an eyebrow. > > “I’ve got a whole library of books,” I said. “But I need help.” > > “You want to deal?” she asked. > > “Maybe,” I said. “If my companion doesn’t object and-” > > “I don’t object,” Rose said. > > “-and if you can clarify what Laird was talking about, when he referred to you as a terrorist.” > > “I hate that word,” Maggie said. “It’s so overused.” > > “Is it inaccurate?” I asked. > > “No, but that’s because it’s vague. Using fear to achieve political aims? Define ‘using fear’. Define ‘political’. That Behaim guy is a terrorist. So is Sandra Duchamp. So is Johannes. So are you.” > > “I’m using fear so I can survive,” I said. > > “You’re raising your status in people’s estimation. That’s political.” > > “That’s pushing the definition,” I said. > > “So is Laird! You want my answer, on why he’d call me that? There you go.” > > I frowned. > > “What?” Maggie asked. “It’s the only real answer I can think of.” > > “I need more information before I can make a call,” I said. “But I’m going to get back.” > > “There are still hours of safety,” Maggie said. > > “There are. But my bag is getting pretty heavy, and I’m not sure I trust the general definition of hours, with Laird around, or the definition of safety, with, well, just about anyone I’ve met here.” > > “You’re leaving me hanging?” Maggie asked. “If I could say anything crude, I’d say it now. I… can’t even allude to it. Blue. You’re leaving me blue.”

Aha. She cant be rude for some reason. That is both cuteand frustrating. Imagine if Blake couldnt swear.

> “Sad?” Rose asked. > > Maggie groaned in frustration. > > “We’re going to meet again,” I said. “For now, though, you’ll have to forgive me if I’m overly cautious. I seem to recall you saying something about the noobs being easy marks.” > > “You heard that,” Maggie said. > > “We can meet sometime this week, maybe negotiate a deal. After… my partner and I have slept on it. My info for your backup,” I said. “If I can find a way to safely leave Hillsglade House, and if I can feel a bit more confident about working alongside you.” > > “How bad could I be?” Maggie asked. > > I looked at her, framed by the two monstrous brutes that were following her. > > “I don’t know,” I said. “Let’s not find out. I’ll talk to you later?” > > She shrugged. “Maybe.” > > I turned to go.

Seems like I will like maggie too. Not many likeable characters around. To be expected, first arc establishes our protagonists first, so we only got dealt with the worst people for the setup it was due. While I'm sad that Blake's plan didnt seem to work straight up, I am happy that Maggie and Johannes seem at least approachable after so much animosity.

> From the main road, it was only a little ways to get to the Hillsglade property. The only hassle was the uphill nature of the walk. > > “Watch my back?” I asked. > > “Sure,” Rose said. > > I trudged along until the house came into view. > > “We okay?” I asked. > > “I’m not sure how to answer that,” she said. “Generally? No. I don’t think we’re okay at all. We’re probably going to die.” > > “You know what I mean.” > > “Are you okay? No. Am I okay? No.” > > “Now you’re intentionally misunderstanding me,” I said. I added a quick, “I think.” > > “I am. Are we okay as a pair? No. We aren’t.” > > “Okay,” I said. “I get that.” > > “The mirrors are nice. I appreciate the mirrors.” > > “Good,” I said. > > “But we’re still not in a good place. Could a black slave be friends with his master, back in the day? Sure. I imagine there were some slaveowners who were pretty cool, didn’t beat or punish their slaves, were generous and kind…” > > “That analogy is pretty damn unfair,” I said. “I didn’t choose for you to be like this.” > > “Child of the slaveowner, then?” > > I would have reminded her that she was supposedly playing ball. At the same time, I was glad she was arguing with me. It beat the utter defeat she’d showed me earlier.

God damn yeah. Props for the analogy, but an angry and argumentative partner beats a defeated one every day of the week. Both for emotional AND writing purposes.

> “I want to do what I can to free you from your prison, my metaphorical slave,” I said. “I swore it when I did the ritual, just like I told Maggie, back there.” > > Rose was quiet, now. I didn’t hear a response from the mirror. > > “What was that bit, before, about vestiges?” I asked. > > “We were interrupted,” she said, quiet. Yes, please, shed more light onto this matter. > “What was it?” I asked her, again. I didn’t want to get distracted from the topic. > > “Vestiges. They’re… like shadows. A simulacrum is an effective double of another individual, a near-perfect simulation. You’ve got dopplegangers, Others that copy a person’s appearance, hiding inside a simulacrum. A reflection of a person, but with something different and frequently malevolent at the core. Erasing a person so they can take over their lives. Usually ending in disaster and murder.” > > “Sure,” I said. > > “There are glamours and illusions. Images, but little more than that. Living, alive, pretendings. Ghosts, which are usually emotional or mental impressions made on the world. Trauma, powerful ideas, they leave something behind, that you see out of the corner of your eye. Tied to some glimmer of the person that was, at the time of death, twisted by time and a degrading memory of their self.”

Yeah but you are a person that never existed though. We are talking about ghosts of living people. Doppels that impersonate others. You are almost like an alternate timeline being. I dunno,this vestige thing seems too much like a gotcha twist we will see later. It was information that came in for way too free. No foreshadowing, just labeled as so and bam. Issue solved. Doesnt't convince me as much.

> “And vestiges?” I asked. > > “Fit somewhere in the middle. A flawed simulacrum, or a ghost that left a deep enough impression in reality that you can use that impression as a mold. Memories, complex thought, they’re flexible. There’s a book on vestiges in the library. They’re interesting to work with because they can be altered. Strong enough that you can mold them, without them being too rigid.” > > “Molded?” I asked. “As in… changing a gender? Memories?” > > “Exactly,” Rose said. > > “You know what you are, then.” > > “Not even a copy. You want to know the reason for my big turnaround? Why I’m accepting my fate as a tool? That’s it. I know what I am now. I know the built-in limitations.” > > “Limitations?” > > “Read the book,” she said, from the mirror, “I don’t want to talk about it.” > > I had an ugly idea of what she was referring to. > > “Rose,” I said. > > “I don’t want to talk about it,” she said. “Later, Blake.”

I need to read that book right now. F she is a flawed simulacrum I want to know if its of Rose. Really. Because it doesnt match that she is a fem!Blake.

Oh but then again, the house needed to be passed to a female... and she was there with the lawyer, not Blake. Grandma Rose molded a flawed clone of Blake. I think the pieces are put together now. I'm suspicious. But it fits.

> “I wanted to ask about-” I said. > > But something told me she wasn’t there. Except for the crunching of my boots, there was only silence. She was gone.

The Riku Replica thing comes back again to haunt me (Kingdom Hearts can be cringy, but when they have a good scene, its amazing). Is there a worse existence than being sapient and know that you, as a supposed-to-be human being, has not only been made to just serve as a copy, but also has severe limitations that degrade that concept out of you? Riku Replica in the video for example discovers that everything about him is not only just replicated, but is also limited to what his original self was at the time of his creation. The real Riku however can still get stronger, can still develop, but whatever his Replica achieves, its capped. He can’t change, can’t develop, he can only do what his original could. That you will forever be just "someone's shadow". And it isnt an evil clone sorta thing. It just leaves you empty, angry and sad.

> I made my way up the driveway. Once safely inside, I locked the door, checked the windows, and then headed for the library. I didn’t see Rose in any of the mirrors. > > I searched the shelves until I found the book she’d been talking about. > > Vestige: Glimmers and Gasps > > The title only reaffirmed the ugly feeling I had in my gut. > > I scanned the table of contents. The title of one chapter pretty much gave it away. > > Duration.

Awn man, I fucking liked her. This being mentioned does make me raise the question of why it would be set up like this. It doesnt seem like something Wildbow would do, looks more like one of his bait-and-switch to me. WHICH IN TURN, happens even more as I question what or who exactly is the bird Blake has in his hands in the parahumans subreddit. And I'm thinking its Rose and she becomes his familiar. The abstract meanings of her becomming a bird too are very fitting, poetic and endearing. I know, I cant fake that I never saw that header.

> I read the entire chapter, first leaning against the railing, book in hand. Then I read some sitting cross-legged on the floor. > > Vestiges were flexible, like Rose had said. They could be molded. > > But Vestiges were impermanent. Sand castles. Given time, given external pressures, they started to degrade. Over time, the degradation got worse, to the point that it took more and more effort and energy to keep them intact. > > What was the power source that was driving her? > > How much time did she have? > > I finished the chapter, then closed the book. The cover had a silver image of half a mask, pressed into the leather. The other half of the mask was black, without any eye, nose or mouth. Half real, half shadow. > > When I looked up, my eyes roving over the room, I saw Rose in the mirror, sitting in the chair at the desk. > > I joined her on the lower floor, book still in hand. Next on my reading list. > > “Before we left for the meeting, I thought you said there wasn’t a book to explain you,” I said. > > “I said there wasn’t a book to explain why Grandmother summoned me.” > > “Ah. Why didn’t you say any of this before?” > > “Because you were focused on the meeting? Because there were two ways this could really go? You’d either get upset or distracted, and that would throw you off your game, or you wouldn’t, and that would throw me off mine?” > > “If it helps,” I said, “I’m feeling pretty off my game. I feel pretty horrible.” > > “Yeah? Well now we’re more on the same page,” she said. “Question is, what do we do about it?” > > “Can I just spend a minute or ten feeling like a shitheel?” I asked. > > “You can, but we’ll need to figure something out after that.” > > “We will,” I said. “Fuck.”

Sometimes you need to just stop and let aaaaalllll that shit sink in. Side note and the 68th time i say this out loud,but god damn do I appreciate how Wildbow characters are really REALLY emotionally cognitive and realistic.

> I stood there for a minute, in the middle of the room, so I could see where Rose sat at the desk. I felt the weight of the book in my hand. > > “I’m here for a purpose, Blake,” Rose said. “And I’m only here for a little while. We need to figure out what that purpose is.” > > “Fuck that,” I said. “I made a promise I’d help you. That doesn’t mean using you and throwing you away to fall apart.” > > Again, looking at her, I could see her withdrawing, a trace of anger in her expression. As if me speaking out on her behalf was somehow worse than me being a jerk. > > I didn’t get it. > > “What, then?” she asked. She was managing to hide the expression, now. “What do you do, if you’re so bent on helping me?” > > “Like Maggie said, knowledge and power. They’re one and the same, and they go a long way. Let’s figure something out.” > > “I don’t need rescue, Blake.” > > You do, I thought. But I said, entirely honest, “I need help. I meant it, and I need your help above all else. I’m going to do what I can to keep you around.” > > “That’s just selfish enough I can believe it,” she said. > > “Good,” I said. “So, let’s talk strategies.” > > “Strategy?” > > “Tell me how this sounds. If you like the idea, we’re going to hit the books, and we’re going to make sure it won’t come back to bite us in the ass. Dear Mr. RCMP Officer, you should know that Laird Behaim was at a function at the church last night. He has admitted in earshot of several people that he knows something about who murdered Molly Walker and how.” > > “There are a hundred ways that could bite us in the ass.” > > “We’ll double check each one,” I said. “What are they going to do? Try to kill us more? He wants to use us as leverage? We throw something other than horrifying hell-beasts his way. Question is, what do you think?” > > “I think it’s something. Provided we double check the rules, make sure we’re not getting ourselves executed. You want to attack his position?” > > “Throw him for a bit of a loop,” I said. “We can build on it. Get some people pulled in for questioning. Put them on the spot, see how they do when they’re interrogated and can’t lie.”

Problem being the whole thing of their family having ties with people manipulators. But then again,thats more deals to make, more debts to the pile.

> “Kids,” Rose said. “Get the kids in that interrogation room somehow. They won’t be as savvy. They’ll let something slip.” > > I thought of how the Behaim kids had done a poor job of concealing their fear and surprise. > > “It’s dirty,” I said. I smiled some. “Dirty is good.”

And thus the damages begin. They need to think better on how they will gain the police over. Anonimously? Cant Blake just lie to the people of the city and say the house is going to be sold in x amount of time, just to buy him some time of peace with the people, they hate him anyways, not like they'll hate him less any time soon, might as well make them hate more but on a later date. It would be my first instict at least,from before the awakening thing. Guess they would have to do pretty good omissions and loopholes now that they cant straight up lie anymore huh. The buildup of the arc that was set up in the first chapter didnt actually deliver, yet at least, which was a weird choice. I really wanted to get a full disclosure of the meeting, instead of the mere brief summary we had after the beggining, but at least we got to see more of other practitioners non aggressively interacting with our main cast. I'm camping and will be going to sleep soon. This liveblog was written accross many hours of a day actually, that I had some tree to lean on with a cool breeze passing through, while I also accompany my girlfriend as she reads Arc 26 of Worm! Tomorrow I will dive back into 2.3!

2019 Addendum: She is now reading Pact and quickly catching up!! So in editing this in the present and will be readong 2.3 today! Aiming for a post on Wednesday the 27th!!

#CodeZeta liveblogs #pact #PactArc2 #Pact2.2

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jess-oh · 5 years

Text

reflection

hey journal,

im not fine. but im trying to be. or at least trying to pretend that im fine.

im surprisingly good at pretending im fine when im not. the reality is, i still feel so miserable. i tried to just drown my sorrows away in the form of food and YouTube videos and i am left feeling just as empty as I did on Saturday. Listening to, “I’m Fine” over and over and over has allowed me to at least try and convince myself that im fine.

i am upset with Amanda but it’s not because of anything she did wrong so i dont want to tell her why. im trying to protect the people i care about. i know im being irrational and just overthinking all of this and i just need to solve it and get over it to preserve my image and be of the utmost help for other people.

i dont want to tell jason how im feeling bc im worried he’ll just get mad and i know ive been too reliant on him in the past and i feel bad that i wasnt able to help him in the same way. i was sad he got more letters than me in his journal? well hes also just a better person than me. a part of me feels like i deserve the same amount, if not more letters than him because i put so much more effort into movement than he did. he never came out to the bible studies or prayer meetings and missed a whole bunch of sundays and i did my best to come out to every sunday and saturday and have been active on tuesdays. i feel like i do and sacrifice so much for movement but in the end, it doesnt even matter.

i feel really broken and i dont know why.

but ultimately, i know jason did better than me. bc he actually genuinely cared. i was just trying to prove i was worth something. i didnt act out of care. i acted out of pride. and people knew. their job isnt to reach out to me and give me a pat on the back for all the things ive done. their job has been to receive and act naturally in accordance with how God wants them to live. and i havent encouraged them. ive judged them. did i even do anything worthwhile this past year besides just leeching off other people? was i just a shitty person entirely?

im fine.

even when jason did feel down in the dumps, he still did care for them. i didnt. i just pushed people away.

i tried to be transparent and open and for what?

i think it encouraged joyce to speak up a couple times maybe. and i am glad david prayed for me. but as a whole, did i really ever do anything meaningful or worthwhile? or was it just all for show to make myself feel better.

i feel like im losing amanda.

i dont want her to feel bad for me or reach out to me just because she can. i want to actually be loved and cared for and i dont believe she does feel that way towards me anymore. i feel like ive been left behind. again.

and i know this was never her intention and i do genuinely want her to be happy which is why im journaling about all this instead of telling her how i feel. because i dont want her to feel guilty for the choices she made and i do genuinely want her to be happy. i know that she has been quietly suffering for a long time now and i do really want her to get better and if she is encouraged and challenged to do that through Johnathan, then so be it. I would rather she get help, even if it isnt from me. i do really care for her and love her and i want to write her and the rest of the MAST members a letter soon but i cant think super clearly right now.

i just keep beating myself up over and over and over for the things that i couldve done better. i couldve been a better friend. i couldve been more open. more attentive. more caring. more understanding. more open-minded. but i didnt.

and i guess the only thing to do from here is move on and look forward and figure out what i can do better.

i want to know what i can do better and the areas in which i fell short but im also so scared of finding out bc i already hate myself so much anyway and being told what i failed at would only add to this already heavy burden.

im fine.

i also just feel really bad because i feel like im taking such a huge step back by pushing people away and isolating myself. i know i have grown a lot this past year and i have been able to become more trusting of those around me and it has been really nice to know that i am cared for and loved by others. and in acting like how i am now, im worried pjosh and other people wont be proud of me anymore or the ways that i have grown.

have i even really grown at all? or was i always just forcing myself to make a different choice but now im just reverting back to how i naturally handle things? i dont want to disappoint them. i dont want to seem like a failure.

and God, i want to rely on you. I really do. But I can’t. Because at the end of the day, as much as I want to believe you and trust you and your pain, I really can’t understand why you’ve let me be in and put me through so much suffering and for so long. What did I do to deserve so much misery? I can’t handle it on my own anymore. I really can’t. It’s consuming me from the inside out.

i really want to call amanda and just clear everything up with her and be honest with her but i also dont want to hurt her. i know i can be too open and share too much and i dont want people to think something is mentally wrong with me bc that just means people will always look at me differently and pity me and never actually see me as human and i dont want that.

when i asked amanda what we should do with our small group and proposed hanging out in evanston instead, i was hesitant to ask at all because i knew what the “right” move to make was and wasnt sure if we should just opt for the easier route so more people could come.

and i was worried she would just say it’d be better for more people to come so we should just all meet in evanston instead. i was surprised when she actually mentioned how the original agreement was to meet in chinatown so thats what she wanted to do. and with that, i pushed for chinatown again and was thoroughly surprised when david actually decided to come through and travel with us. and i was really happy we all got to spend that time together. it was only once and i was so discouraged everyone bailed last minute. but the fact seoyeon and david did come was really heartwarming and encouraging to me. and it was for her too. our kids are growing up.

im also salty that a good handful of our members wished for more small group outings. which, i understand. but, i feel like theyre discrediting the fact that amanda and i really tried to plan outings but things fell apart bc of their schedules a lot of the time. whether it was bc people backed out last minute or we couldnt find a time when we were all free or people half hearted committed but flaked out when the time actually came closer and didnt took it as seriously. i get that other groups, especially p. josh’s, had more hangouts and i am genuinely happy for them. and maybe our group wanted to have more fun times like that.

was i just too serious this past year? and i didnt have as much fun as amanda? i always perceived her non-seriousness as a bad thing bc i thought she was just using it as a front to cover how much pain she was actually in. when she cried with me and actually shared her fears and insecurities, i felt how genuine that was. her normal “fake” personality didnt seem genuine to me. but maybe i was wrong. she does seem genuinely happy now. and im happy for her too.

i know i have a big mouth and have spoken when it wasnt my place to and i am getting better at managing it. i just didnt realize shutting my mouth would hurt me so much.

everytime jason has given me one of these “talks” on what i can work on, i end up feeling more hurt than challenged to do better. and i am actively trying to work on everything he told me to do and i know he told me out of a place of care. but now i just feel so paranoid that i am constantly being judged and messing up in ways that im not even aware of. and it sucks.

but i also dont want jason to not tell me ways i can improve bc i do genuinely want to know and how to grow and get better.

i had the opportunity to go to northwestern and hangout with familiar people again yesterday but i didnt go. because i was afraid of seeing amanda and johnathan there. and i was afraid of feeling left out.

even though i didnt know anyone on the softball team and i was the only college student there, it was so much easier for me to be happy with them. i made friends and i didnt care what i said or how i was being perceived. i just did my best to boost our team’s morale and cheer everyone on and that made me feel genuinely better. even if it was just for a few hours. i didnt care how i acted and chances are, i wouldnt interact or even see them ever again. or at least not for a while. but with the college kids, i dont understand why it’s so hard for me to be real with them. i am so much more afraid of being judged and gossiped about bc i know i have to keep working with them and i will see them again the next sunday. or the next. or the next. or the next.

i got along really with songbee the other day and being friends with her makes me feel like im betraying jason bc i know he doesnt get along with her very well.

i got along really well with jennie lee the other day. why is it so much easier for me to get along with adults? anyway,

we got along really well and i definitely want to keep in contact with her and get to know her better. we joked around a lot and it was fun!

maybe thats why i get along better with the adults. because i have such a surface level friendship with all of them. but with movement, ive been open and vulnerable and i actually have more to lose so im more afraid to be myself.

hm.

but yeah, i just hung out with jenny chang’s family after and i really valued our time together and how much they take care of me. they feel like my picture perfect family that i never had growing up. they’re what i always imagined a family should look like. but mine never fit that description.

#reflection #im not fine #im not even close to okay

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hak-7 · 7 years

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What does Allah Say of Allah in Chapter II, verse 255 in The Holy Quran? Let us recite these words often.entitled The Verse of The Throne: "Say to humanity Muhammed, Allah is The G-d, there is no god but Allah, The Ever Living, The Self-Subsisting, The Eternal. No slumber can seize Allah, nor sleep.His are all things in the heavens and the earth. Who is it that can intercede for Allah, except as He permits? Allah Knows what appears (to His creatures as) Before, After or Behind them. None shall encompass His Knowledge except as He Wills. His Throne extends to the ends of the heavens and the earth. For Surely, Allah is The Most High, The Supreme in Glory. (SAA) (Allah has Spoken a Mighty Truth)!SUPPORT YOU CANT SEE Faith To Religion As Theory To Science Science is mostly based upon theory. Before science arrives at fact, science has the base or foundation of theories. We have a scientific world. We have a world that tells us all about the nature of matter, how matter is composed. We are taught, by our science teachers, general science and physics. If you had those subjects of science, you know that science says that matter is composed of small particles that you can't see with your eyes. It has gone on the theory called the Molecular Theory, that molecules are composed of atoms, and atoms are composed of charges. And none of this can be seen by the physical eye, so it still remains a theory. Theory means that they can't prove it to the rational mind and physical eye, except upon reference of observing certain behaviors of matter or believing that since these results come when we use these theories, these results hold up. A person believing in life after death or the hereafter or another life or better and higher life to come believes in that on faith. But the faithful persons are recorded in scripture and in regular life, our life, as having certain experiences that give them reason to believe that that is reality that it does exist. The same for the Belief in God; it is a belief; it is faith. But the experiences that we have personally as people of faith are as much evidence for our faith and belief in matters of religion, as these theories are for the scientific world. We experience it in our souls. We experience it in our minds. We experience it in our life. We see it happening in the lives of others. Many times, we experience it together. Two people or more will witness the same phenomena or the same happenings in their lives and identify them the same. So what is the difference between theory and faith? The scientists would not have gotten to where he has gone and made the progress he has made, if he had not had faith. He had to have faith, faith in what he believed. He had faith that in what he believed is the reality. We are conditioned to think of the world as the world of law and reality. Scripture says the whole world is deception. Deception you are not really seeing reality, when you are looking at the world. There was a time when man was looking at the earth and believing that earth Was flat like a table. He believed that if you went so far, you would fall off the earth. But observation over a long period of time and experience and increase in knowledge brought mankind to accept the common knowledge that the earth is round. There is some proof that the earth is round, and one is given in the general science courses. It says that if you notice when you are out on the ocean front and the ships are coming in toward the shore, the banks, the land, you see the top of the ship first. Then the rest of the ship comes into view in time, as it approaches. This is proof to a rational mind that the earth is round. PROOF there is GOD Similar proof is given to us in religion to support what we believe in, that there is a God. It is not just God over creation, but it is a Living God, an Active God, a God that listens to my personal life whenever He wants. This is what the person of faith believes in. And I say we have evidence of this, as does the world of science. We have to change the way we think. We have been influenced by the secular world, science, human claims, man's claims that fascinate us and escape our mental capacity, in other words leave us without explanations and make us think that man is a miracle worker. And he is. But he is not the first Miracle Worker, and he is not the biggest Miracle Worker. We are talking about Solid Faith. Both religion and science, I repeat, require faith. Science calls it theory. For religion, it is F-A-I-T-H. Humans are born sinless. There is no inherent sin period. However, humans have a proclivity toward error or sin but are not born sinners. There was a time in the history of our criminal studies in the United States, Criminology in the United States, that it was believed that if you could stop a criminal from having children, it would help reduce crime. It was believed that the criminal would most likely produce a criminal, that that behavior was inherent. It wasn't long over a period of time that that was rejected here in the United States, and they took the position that no child was born criminal. So here we find religion and science agreeing, coming together. Not today but many years ago, religion and science were taking similar positions. If you really are an observant person and have a clear mind, and you think on what the world has done and think on what you have read in scripture, the world has just lived scripture. Scripture came before the world, and the world has been living Scripture as though somebody gave man science as his plan for his life. Exactly what has happened is what was predicted. And I can give you many statements from religion and scripture to explain that and support that. NEED FOR POSITIVE SELF-IMAGE To believe I am born a sinner is to be crippled for life, spiritually and mentally. Every field of knowledge knows that in order to succeed, one has to have a positive self-image or a view of the value of one's self as good and appreciative. The reasons why so many people are failing in life is that they have a crippling belief or idea that cripples them and prevents them from performing at their capacity or their ability. It is because they have been told that human beings are born in sin or born with sin. Somebody was awfully messed up, when it came to accepting sex. And they are the ones who thought themselves a special creation, that they had rejected flesh and pursued religious light and had become another creation above human creation. And they imposed upon themselves, as God revealed in the Last Scripture, celibacy to have nothing to do physically or sexually with a female. They required that of themselves or of their order, that you don't marry women, that you are married to The Word of God. That influence is what we see in the belief that man or human beings are born sinful or in sin. This is not something that starts in The Gospel. It starts in the early scriptures, that if you do wrong, your children are going to inherit it. Your children will be punished for your wrong; they will inherit your sin. This is in Scripture. But do we understand it? No. We take it literally and we take it to be speaking to the matter, which it is not. It is speaking indirectly to the matter or to the subject not directly. No child necessarily has to be affected by the bad behavior or the sins of the parents. We see that in life; we don't need anybody to prove that to us. We see extraordinary children come up in the worse conditions in some of the worse households, and they turn out to be just super. We don't have to have anybody to prove it to us; we see it in our own life. I don't think most of us bought that anyway. I think those who can't find a job bought it. I think those who can't follow good leadership bought it. I think those who can't follow good sense bought it. But I think a lot of us never bought it. The human family has human family solidarity. As our destiny, we have to accept the unity of the human family. Man has progressed socially and materially on this earth with a position now, globally speaking, that we cannot accept to ignore other nations and other people. HISTORY UNFOLDING Not only do we have to recognize their existence and their right to their own future, as they choose to have it, but we have to also recognize that they have a right to share in the wealth of the world. Their lands should be respected as their lands, and our lands should be respected as our lands. We can't run from each other anymore. We can't live economically without each other anymore. We have to work and cooperate for the good of us all here on this planet earth. This is the reality that was prophesied in scripture that would come. That things in God's Creation were working automatically, both in the human creation and in the material creation, to bring home the Destiny as God intended it to be. It is not as some nation intended it to be, it is as God, The Creator, intended it to be. When we read scripture, we see it plainly unfolding in the history of man's social and material life. We see history unfolding, and we see scripture speaking in man's material life, social life and spiritual life in his whole life. DON'T DOUBT FAITH Here is what was said, and look at what is happening. What was said is now seen as what is happening in this global community of man today. Some of you doubt faith. You don't want to trust faith, so your faith is weak. I am sure a lot of you come from Christian backgrounds and a lot of you in the myspace blog audience are Christians, perhaps. You may recall the preacher saying, quoting The Gospel, quoting Christ Jesus Peace be on him: "If you have as much faith as a grain of mustard seed, you can do wonders." Think about this, the Qur'an and the Bible these two Books say very much the same thing, when addressing major issues on doubt and faith. Take one grain of mustard seed and put it on your finger be careful not to drop it, because you can hardly see it. The mustard seed is hard and to look at it, it looks dead. But when you put it in the place where God intended it to go to have life again, it becomes a big bush and just one of its leaves has weight. "If you have so much faith as a grain of mustard seed...," that looks dead and is hard. This is Solid Faith. Muhammed the Prophet taught his followers what God revealed in the Qur'an: "Be together, stand together as a solid wall." And we stand together shoulder to shoulder, as a solid wall when we pray together in congregational prayers. We take the stand upon faith. And God says, "Look at the heavenly bodies." Both Scriptures point us to the heavens, for us to observe the wisdom for a higher order of human life on this planet earth. God says, "Observe the bodies that you see in the sky and how they appear to be supported with no props or supports under them that you can see." What is that saying to us? It is saying that not only your life but the existence of the material universe is existence upon powers that you can't see. The sun you can't see what is holding it up. The moon you don't see what is holding it up there. You get a telescope and look at planets and material bodies or material mass bigger than ours. Look at the planets, like Jupiter. You cannot see what is holding them up there. Science tells you of the trillions and trillions of tons not pounds in that mass. There it is hanging out there in space seemingly with no support holding it up. That is pointed out to us to tell us to trust the God that designed this creation, trust the God that designed the Universe. Trust Him. You can't explain everything He did. Trust Him. He knows and you know not. You look at what He has done and then come up with your own explanation for it. I know about universal gravity. That is what science tells us. But when the farmer looks up there, he doesn't see any universal gravity. All he sees is big bodies up there and nothing is holding them up. So God's Lesson is going to stay, no matter what science says. God gives us a Lesson that says, "Have faith in the Lord that designed this creation. The way it is designed is too big for your mind to grasp. Have faith in The One that designed it and don't doubt. Die to your own life, die to your own mind and live again." Imam W.D. Mohammed (raa)

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