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#i was stuck in personal hell

thatbeluga · 11 months

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i just spent a full HOUR mixing possibly every food dye we have in this godforsaken house to make black frosting, only to find out after my sister got home that we HAVE. BLACK. FOOD. DYE.

I usually refrain from joking about suicide because I find it distasteful but I think in this moment it is appropriate to say I wanted to kill myself

#it was so much #my hands were stained #my other sister cooked three sheets of brownies in that time #i was stuck in personal hell #i got it to a dark gray/brown #and called it a day #my fingers are still purple #it literally changed the texture of the frosting there was so much dye #i was dying #and the puppy took a shit on the floor halfway through #my little sister usually bakes #but this is HER grad party #so the twin and I had to step up #we are not good

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lovesickeros · 8 months

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☆ even the gods bleed [ pt 2 ]

{☆} characters furina, neuvillette {☆} notes cult au, imposter au, multi-chapter, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings none {☆} word count 1.9k {☆} previous [ 1 ]

This had to be a punishment of some sort – some kind of divine punishment.

She was bored out of her mind just watching the sleeping body – she hadn't blinked once in the past five hours, her eyes were really starting to hurt. Yet they still hadn't moved so much as an inch since she sequestered them away to the only place she had known to be safe.

But it'd been almost a week since then.

The only solace she found was that Teyvat had seemed much less hellbent on collapsing in on itself like a dying star.

That counted for something.

Not much, but something!

..Even if their position was no better then it was a week ago.

There was, after all, still the issue of what to do about the false Creator – the actual imposter – and the Archons following them like blind lambs. The other Archons wouldn't listen if she tried to reason with them, and it would only risk the life of Divine One if she spoke of their location to anyone else.

She also was pretty fond of having her head still attached to her shoulders.

So she avoided them all together. Partially because she wasn't sure she wouldn't have a breakdown at the sight of them..she'd never been a fighter, and fighting an Archon? Easy pass.

Instead she was forced to babysit the sleeping Divine until they woke up while Neuvillette handled taking care of the nation and dealing with the other Archons – and by extension the false Creator.

Really though, she would almost think them dead if not for the subtle rise and fall of their chest.

Though..this also left her with a lot of time to herself. A lot of time to think.

She really didn't like it.

There wasn't a lot to occupy her mind and what little there was only distracted her for a scant few moments before her eyes drifted back to the Divine like she was locked in their orbit, unable to escape.

She closed the same book for the twelfth time – she kept count – and returned it to it's meticulously designed place within her bookcase. A low, barely audible huff of frustration escaped her lips before she could bite it down, her stare boring a hole into the body of the Divine One with a sharp intensity she rarely showed.

She was tired, bored and constantly on edge, fearing that at any moment someone would find out about their presence here.

That, at the drop of a hat, she would be powerless to stop the greatest tragedy of her time play out before her eyes.

Neuvillette would have scolded her for being so petulant, especially around the Divine One, if he were here.

But he wasn't.

He was out running her nation, instead.

And what was she doing? Nothing!

She grit her teeth, nails digging harshly into the palm of her hands as she took a deep breath – now was not the time to think about that. She had..much more pressing matters. Sulking and letting her thoughts spiral helped no one, least of all herself.

Yet her attention was caught by a harsh inhale, the rustle of fabric – were they finally waking up? She was exhausted, but it all vanished at the sudden drop of life within the otherwise deathly still body of the Divine.

Her eyes followed the subtle twitch of their fingers, watching as their brow furrowed and their features twisted in something almost like..pain.

..She wasn't ready.

What was she supposed to say?

Should she even say anything? Would that be considered impolite? Does she wait for them to speak first? Should she kneel? Bow?

She doesn't get much time to find her own answer before their lashes flutter, chest heaving with every strangled breath. Every single thought vanishes from her mind the moment she meets their eyes.

For a long, silent moment she thinks that her heart must have stopped.

Their eyes glow like the cresting of the sun over the horizon, painting the world in hues of gold – yet it also reminded her of the dipping of the moon below the waves, casting the briefest, most gentle of lights upon the world engulfed in darkness. In the depths of their eyes was the birth and death of stars in the infinite cosmos – glittering stars in a sea of empty, blank space that left her feeling lightheaded and breathless.

Beneath the splendor is a spark of recognition in their eyes so vibrant it was like a shooting star piercing through the dark night sky, leaving nothing but the wonder in the eyes of the observer as the only proof it ever existed – brilliant in it's beauty, however brief.

It is the most beautiful thing she has ever seen.

"Focalors?"

The lilt of their voice nearly made her knees buckle beneath her – euphoria so consuming it left her feeling she was starving swallowed her whole, her mind blanking in a moment of utter bliss. It was..an indescribable feeling that she doubted she could ever hope to put into words – not in a way that could properly express it, try as she might.

She swallowed the words that threatened to spill from her lips – she couldn't make a fool of herself. Not in front of them of all people. She'd never forgive herself.

"Divine One," She rasps, clearing her throat and covering her mouth with a hand to mask both her nervousness and the small smile that creeps across her face. She quickly regains her composure, hand resting on her hip as she puffs out her chest with every bit of pride she can manage. "I am sure you must be confused, but worry not– your most loyal acolyte has seen the truth!"

The silence is deafening.

She opens one eye, peaking at the bewildered and almost distraught expression of the Divine.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

That..she was not prepared for. Surely they knew who they were! Surely they knew. They had to– she's been praying to them for as long as she's breathed, she's dedicated every hour of her life to living up to their ideals, they can't just–!

"Lady Furina?"

Neuvillette, thankfully, spares her the embarrassment of having a meltdown in front of the Divine, the gentle rap of his knuckles against the door making her and the Divine pause, the soft lull of his voice soothing her nerves and yet setting her on edge at the same time.

"Neuvillette." She clears her throat again, her steps hurried as she marches to the door and pries it open none too gently, a forced smile pulling at her lips. She wastes no time tugging the man into the room, shutting the door behind him with a short huff. The silence is, somehow, even worse then before as the three of them stare at each other in absolute exasperation.

Neuvillette, for his part, manages to get his act together with a sharp clearing of his throat, bowing so low even she looks unnerved. She steals a brief glance at the Divine, and she's taken aback by the uncomfortability twisting their features into a grimace.

Their expression is schooled back into one of empty apathy when he stands back to his full height, but she saw it – she knows she did! Did they not like their worship? Were they not respectful enough? For a moment, she feared the Divine would smite Neuvillette down on the spot..but they just stared at him like he was a ghost.

"Why aren't you killing me?"

The defeated, resigned tone combined with the way their voice cracks makes her heart ache in her chest – it feels as though her entire world is crumbling down at her feet, and she cannot explain why she feels such emotions so strongly, but it is suffocating. It is almost as if Teyvat itself is weeping, bearing down upon her shoulders like a heavy weight.

She feels the urge to weep herself, but she powers through, gritting her teeth long enough for Neuvillette to take his place at the side of her – though it feels more like their – bed, kneeling like he was going to pray.

"Divine One," He offers a hand with a quiet rumble of his voice, the words slipping off his tongue like honey. It's like trying to soothe a stray cat..though she'd never voice such comparisons of the most Divine out loud. "I..we mean you no harm. I swear on my authority as the Iudex of Fontaine and Chief Justice that you are safe with us."

The skepticism she expected, but the reverence in which Neuvillette must convince them – or perhaps they are simply so tired that they simply did not care any longer if it was all some ploy to drive a knife between their ribs. She didn't expect them to actually place their hand in Neuvillette's.

He didn't either, judging by the way he visibly brightened – not that they'd notice, but she did.

..Not that she could really blame him, her heels clicking against the floorboards as she shifted her weight to the other foot with a nervous energy that was practically bursting at the seams, more then a little jealous of the attention he was receiving. She was the one who found them, she was the one who stayed with them the entire time..but he gets all the attention?

How unfair.

"O-of course! We would never lay a hand on our creator," She adds, her voice a little higher pitched then she would have liked as she placed her hands on her hips, puffing out her chest and brushing off the sting of jealousy. "Least of all I– your most loyal, most devout acolyte!"

She felt baffled when she heard the sound of their laughter, her shoulders hunching and her cheeks flushing on mere instinct – she was expecting mockery, but the look in their eyes, still dulled by a pain she cannot even begin to imagine, made her hesitate.

..It was, perhaps, the most genuine thing she'd heard from them ever since before the hunt began.

She wasn't sure why her heart hurt at such an idea, but it was enthralling to see the beginnings of a half hearted smile on their lips.

For a moment, her mask of theatrics was forgotten as she stared at them in a mixture of awe and adoration– and though she didn't look at Neuvillette, she could imagine he must've shared such an expression.

Had she any doubts that they were her Creator, that they alone were the most Divine..they would wiped clean now. There was no mistaking the way the world itself seemed to grow clearer as they glanced up at her like she was worth something.

For a moment, she realized how cold the false Creators gaze had been now that she has felt warmth so gentle it almost made her knees buckle beneath her. It felt like a pale imitation, now.

Nothing could compare to the warmth that spread through her body at the mere semblance of a smile upon their lips. She didn't even mind if it was her they were laughing at anymore, she just wanted to hear them laugh again.

She'd make a fool of herself, if she had to.

She'd never felt so..ravenous for such a thing, but just the briefest glimpse was addictive.

She simply couldn't help herself from striding across the room and clasping their free hand in her own, her smile wide enough to unnerve as she leaned her weight onto the bed. For a moment, she considered pulling away at the way they startled, but her mind was made up by then – there was no going back.

"Again."

#sagau #genshin sagau #self aware genshin #genshin impact sagau #self aware genshin impact #fic tag #neuvillette #focalors #furina #dont ask what happened here idk #this was. also supposed 2 be neuvi focused and then i.#dont talk 2 me abt focalors i wont ever shut up #got a 300k word essay on hand abt how i feel abt her character/how i interpret her personality and her story #focalors jsut like me fr fr (cries at the slightest inconvenience or the slightest mean comment)#shes so pathetic girlfail im gonna chew on her #what happens when reader gets stuck with two emotionally repressed french bastards?? hell #neuvi is the “emotionless” flavor of emotionally repressed in that hes HORRIBLE at showing emotions at all #ask him to smile and its incredibly unnerving and theres too many teeth but hes trying his best please call him pretty or he will cry :(#furina is the flavor of emotionally repressed where she makes it up by having Too Many emotions #using theatrics and masks to show everyone what they want to see but inside this girl is a MESS #constant anxiety and panic 24/7 #will do random shit and look at you and if u dont compliment her she will think u hate her and cry #compliment her and she'll do even stupider shit to try and impress you more #i love my scrunkly little babies they r so stupid and mentally ill someone get these bitches some THERAPY #i want 2 put them under a microscope #watch this be ooc fr furina when more of her lore drops if shes not girlfail im leaving #anyway see u in a week im going on a trip ill get back 2 u in 6-7 business days

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hms-incorrect-quotes · 2 months

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Due to this being the strike week for Palestine, I wont be posting any quotes for the whole week & instead reblogging any helpful posts that support Palestine that I see. [This includes the Headcanons blog as well.]

Please help out in anyway you can!!! Even if you cant donate, spread the word. A free easy thing you can do daily is even to just click a button.

Twitter seemed more active and posted more information & aid last time so please look there as well!

#again twitter is more active so i suggest you go there however please spread & help out as much as you can here as well #one person or post makes all the difference!!!#this account & my main will have the most reblogged things since thats the best way i can spread info #as for the less important things:#Due to tumblr having a shit way to edit posts in the queue some posts will still get through [hell you cant even edit/delete certain posts]#The lyric blog especially won't let me change anything so its just stuck posting daily #again please reblog & do as much as you can this stuff really helps #not a quote but still important

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benbamboozled · 1 year

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INFURIATING that for like the entirety of Jason’s time being dead IRL the only person invested in giving him and Dick an actual relationship was…

CHUCK DIXON.

I MEAN.

“Little Wing”?

Dick Grayson kills the Joker?

Spirit guide/hallucination?

JEEZ.

INFURIATING.

Sources are Nightwing (1996) #106, Joker: Last Laugh #6, and Nightwing Secret Files #1.

(Technically Scott Beatty also worked on Nightwing: Year One and Joker: Last Laugh but ISN’T credited on Nightwing Secret Files #1 so I’m inclined to think that Reminding Everyone That Jason Todd Existed was one of Chuck Dixon’s babies until Judd Winick came in with his Under the Hood plans.)

#Jason Todd #Dick Grayson #Robin #Nightwing #…Discowing #Joker was there too.#side tangent but one of my favorite and least favorite things about DC is the thing where one person clearly has one thing…#…they really care about…not necessarily a soapbox but a character or event that they always want to reference...#or a piece of continuity they want to address.#on the one hand—you can get champions of characters who didn’t get a lot of love…or reminders of interesting continuity.#on the OTHER hand—if their fave thing is something you don’t like or wish would be forgotten you’re stuck in reminder-hell.#comic panels #i am begging some other writer to use Little Wing again PLEASE.

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dollsome-does-tumblr · 1 year

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something heart-wrenching about the roman/gerri scene in 4.07 is that roman regretted firing gerri the instant he walked out of that room and he tried to get ken to undo it right away and he tried to get frank to smooth it over after, and when he approaches her, his technique, in lieu of acknowledging the awful way he treated her, is to pretend it never happened or wasn’t significant or wasn’t real and now they’re just back to their normal vibe, they’re still friends and she’s not fired. (he was just feeling fire-ish!) which is what happened every time logan was abusive to roman, and so roman’s used to rolling with reality kind of just rewriting itself around your suffering not mattering, and the bad things always going away. like you don’t look at it head-on, you just keep going. he teases her and asks her for advice because that’s the only way he can engage with her again, not because he’s oblivious to how monumentally he screwed up. (and it kinda surprised me that he was so determined to erase their recent fest of badness that he went all the way back to, like, their early-s3 relationship dynamic. going WAY back in time! gerri, please show off how smart and hot you are!) but gerri has the strength to draw boundaries and shut that shit down immediately -- although not soon enough to save herself from some heartbreak -- instead of giving him a pass for mimicking the abusive behavior of his father. roman is at his worst in this ep, but the reason behind it tracks so well with what’s shaped him psychologically and emotionally, and it’s so Bleak.

#romangerri #roman x gerri #roman roy #dollsome's deep thoughts #abusive patterns poisoning your relationships with the people you care about most nooooooo #with the one person who didn't think you were a joke :'(#anyway i need to shut up about them #but this was stuck in my brain #everything just makes so much emotional sense and it's HELL!#succession #succession spoilers #when 'you're not your dad' is the greatest compliment she could possibly give you but you're psychologically incapable of seeing it that way

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redrobin-detective · 1 year

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Iruma-kun, the Six Fingers and Humanity

I have been mulling over this idea for days as I devoured the Iruma-kun anime then manga and am still struggling to articulate it. The best I can boil down to is the whole goal of the Six Fingers and the return to origins is, unbeknownst to them, a desire to become more human.

I can understand, in a way, their frustration. Demons used to be merciless killers, where the strong surpassed the weak and magic, aggression and power won the day. Now we see they have idol concerts and theme parks and silly games to help demons safely purge their “wickedness” which is, in reality just another part of their nature. The majority of modern day demons deny a large part of themselves. The whole idea of a wicked cycle is endlessly fascinating to me, like this species has compartmentalized themselves so much that their pent up darker impulses periodically spring out and require them to be handled gently or hidden away. I can see how this practice is insulting and incredibly restrictive of what a demon is.

Now, right from the start, Iruma has stood out in the demon world for a few reasons. First and most obviously, he lacks any practical or cultural knowledge of demonic society. We see Iruma ignorantly stride past social norms and boundaries he didn’t even know existed. If it weren’t for his upbeat, people pleasing attitude he’d be written off as a delinquent but instead he helps foster an environment of change in a bunch of slackers and misguided students. And change is a radical concept in a society that hasn’t replaced the demon king in centuries since the old one disappeared. The effect of Iruma’s very presence, his enthusiasm and attitude and cooperative abilities can be seen so strongly on the Misfit class that its no wonder he’s become such a stand out student.

So I had heard of Irumean when I first started the series and had high expectations of him being a full on bastard. And he simply wasn’t. He was arrogant, reckless, rude at the worst but even those around him commented that his innate, unnatural kindness was still there. I argue because Irumean was never a true wicked cycle. It was Ali-san’s attempt to induce a demonic ritual onto him. But humans aren’t like demons, Iruma is a good, kind, patient boy due to his trauma and strength of character. At any point he could lash out in the most horrific fashion and leave everyone stunned because he is not bound such such strict rules of personality and conduct. His humanity is as much a strength as it is a weakness.

So according to recent chapters, Iruma has traces of Delkira’s energy. My first thought was that it was emanating from Ali-san, which is a distinct possibility but why was the ring attracted to Iruma in the first place? My next theory is that Delkira had some connection to humans as well. Either he’s a hafling or a demonized human or spent a significant amount of time in the human world. Either way, this human perspective is what made him so powerful, such an irreplaceable leader that his throne has remained empty for so long. One could even argue that the energy that the Six Fingers identify as ‘Delkira’ is actually just ‘human’ since the King’s energy is familiar while a human’s is not.

My whole round about point I’m doing a very poor job of explaining essentially boils down to, demons want to return to their origins to have more control over their baser instincts. Instincts and free will that humans, such as Iruma, possess naturally. But while Iruma has the capability for great evil, unrestrained by a set cycle, he also has such an overflowing well of love in him. Delkira, what little we’ve seen of him comes across as brash, fickle and cruel. You may note those are human traits as well. But Iruma also leads with kindness, dedication and teamwork. He will make a marvelous King because the humanity he brings to the table will help all of demonkind.

I do believe as the manga progresses we will see Iruma’s humanity become a game changer in the battle against the Six Fingers. How he sees the world (both human and demon), how he interacts and inspires others, how he fights. Reaching a point where not only does Iruma stand up for himself but he is forced to cause harm (and by consequence addressing his people pleasing trauma) and behave in a manner not seen by demons outside of their wicked cycle. When he does, years down the road, become King, I believe he will address the concerns of factions like the Six Fingers. Demons are not meant to be fully contained but cannot be allowed to run rampant. With his feet in both worlds, I believe he will be able to balance both opposing views and ‘heal’ the underworld as the prophecy states. Not just from the instability of the Six Fingers but from this bizarre evolutionary cycle demons have fallen into over the centuries.

#mairimashita! iruma kun #welcome to demon school iruma kun #iruma kun spoilers #not sure how to tag this??#the wicked cycle is fascinating to me #so youre saying i can compile all my bitchy evil energy into a few day cycle??#its absolutely insane if you think about it #and Yes wtds is a lovely lighthearted series that I adore but sometimes I think 'gosh this is tame for hell'#and i argue that its not supposed to be like this!#how they got stuck in this cycle is up for debate if it pre or post dates Delkira #the point remains that Iruma can and absolutely should go feral at some point #bc he is a human and his personality and actions are managed only by himself #I want all his people pleasing meek adorableness to backfire on him and we see a hint of the rage beneath #I want him to maim even kill in a rage bc the indignities done to him have been simmering for years and now someone is threatening his new h #*home #The six fingers want him bc of delkira yeah but also his ability to transcend the limits of being a modern demon #something something humans are the true demons the latter having managed themselves so tightly they no longer resemble demons of old #that Iruma even as good and pure as he is is still more alike Delkira than any modern demon #Ive kind of lost the bubble on this but things Ive been thinking about #Im all caught up and I feel Extreme Stress over the Diverticulum #i cant wait!

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livingasaghost · 6 months

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it's actually sooo annoying that there are now shows like our flag means death that are like so queer friendly and are literally built around queer identity and queer romance because the creators are mostly all queer or queer-adjacent and so those stories get told (mostly) the way they deserve, with real queer plots and payoff and it's a new phenomenon!!! like just by making a few heartstoppers or a couple good omens my brain has now started to believe that we can have queer media! and i seem to forget that for the early half of my life any and all queer shipping in media was delusional and unlikely and never going to happen. because there are shows like loki that are not made for queer people and it's actually the norm! it's always been like this! and yet the queer audience are the driving force behind the whole fucking show and it's like we've timetravelled back to 2011 when you could only HC a gay ship bc there's no way it would ever be real on screen. and it's like okay! i get it! you don't want two guys kissing on a disney show! but you're telling me you don't even kIND OF get some fruity vibes from those two guys??? like it's so insane to think that if another studio headed up the loki show or if they'd hired (more?) queer writers or they had the freedom and capacity to do it Less Disney it could have been something else? like god that's so sad and unfair and it's no wonder being queer was so hard and sad when i was growing up like even if you saw the Queerness in some piece of media, the creators would turn right around and gaslight you and tell you that you're insane to believe you see a glint in the eyes of two men and now in the year of our lorde 2023 i have to admit that i finally finally understand the johnlock shippers and oh my god guys you were so brave wtf

#like don't get me wrong i fucking love ofmd and im so glad they get to do that!!!!#but imagine if loki had a real queer crew (and cast?) (???) making a queer story like the character deserved that #and it's shit that they even spent any time trying to retcon and claim that Disney Loki is genderfluid or bisexual or any of that #because clearly they were not going to let that character do any of that #hell even sylvie and OB and casey all deserved to get some queer storylines #anyway.#i need to shut off the loki brainrot or i will be stuck here forever like goddamn mobius #loki #personal

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speeedyquick1245 · 8 months

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Does anyone else think about what Arthur first says to Merlin when he wakes up after the battle in 5x13? He could have said so many things:

Did we win the battle?

Is Morgana dead?

Where are we?

What happened to me? Where is everyone?

But the first thing he says is "Where have you been?"

All he wants in that moment is Merlin by his side. He doesn't want Merlin to ever leave him again. Arthur is king. He's always put duty first. He should be worried about the future of his kingdom and his men. But he's hurt and in pain, and seeing the person who's always been there for him makes him forget everything. With Merlin by his side, he's overcome all the challenges and darkest moments in his life. If Merlin is here then everything is alright. He can rest now. He just wants to be with the man he loves.

#merlin #merthur #im stuck in merthur hell #bbc merlin #what rewatching the finale does to a person #I am ruined #merlin bbc #merlin emrys #arthur pendragon #the diamond of the day #merlin 5x13

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