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clonerightsagenda · 5 years

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Heeeeeeeeeey, happy Homestuck eve y'all. Over a year ago I wrote something featuring GO!John and ghost!Jade (might’ve been an abandoned Tuesjade prompt?) but never posted it because I prefer not to acknowledge any of that. However I stumbled across it while sifting through my files and thought that, on the off chance it gets Jossed by future events, I might as well post it. So here you go.

Disclaimer that it is Sad and does not reflect retcon events in a very positive light:

You're not looking for her. That's what you tell yourself. You don't think about the timeline or people you left behind. It's not worth it, and there's no point. But people have been pestering you to go find Terezi, who's been gone for a long time and who hasn't answered her phone in months, and the furthest ring doesn't blend well with your powers. So when you zap away to find what you're missing, you find something else instead.

At first, you've done so well forgetting timelines and alternates that you see her sitting there in full God Tier garb and ask, "Jade? What are you doing here?"

‘It hit me like a punch to the gut’ is a cliche. But you tell anyone who criticizes your movies that cliches don't happen for no reason. They get repeated because they're true. When your sister turns eyes blank as peeled eggs in your direction, you feel an ache spring up in your stomach and your lungs go empty.

She's sitting on the edge of a wooden stage. The green curtains hanging off its frame are faded and frayed. Brightly colored flowers peel off the backdrops. They look like a child's drawing of her old greehouse. Did she make it herself?

"John!" She scrambles to her feet and launches herself at you. Her hug and her stream of questions would stop your breath if shock hadn't done that already. "Where have you been? We've been looking for you and Roxy and Davesprite and Rose for ages. Have you been hiding somewhere? We thought some of the others might be, but I didn't know why you wouldn't come right back." She talks so fast that you can't think of how to respond, so it's your body that gives you away. She pulls back abruptly and looks into your eyes. Her ears flatten against her skull. "You have a heartbeat," she says.

"Sorry," you say.

Jade backs up a few paces. Her ears still reflect a dog on guard. "I'm sorry for jumping on you like that. You must be from the new timeline. Vriska said there must one out there, because she met a version of herself that was alive." She shakes her head. "I don't know why we were doomed, though. I thought I did everything right."

How are you supposed to tell her it's all your fault? "It's me," you say, to reassure her. "I'm from your timeline. It's just... it gets complicated after that."

"I have a lot of time." Her ears lose a little tension, although they don't stand back up all the way. "Can you stay for a while and tell me?"

Terezi's been missing for a while. She can take care of herself, and you're not having much luck searching anyway. "Sure."

Jade has always been a good listener. She gasps and pats your arm at appropriate intervals in your story as you give her the broad strokes. I got new powers. Everyone died. Terezi told me how to fix it. I did.

"Everyone must be so grateful," she says.

"I guess so? They don't bring it up much." It's hard to be grateful when you don't understand what the alternative is. They don't know the fate they avoided, and you don't want to remember it.

"It's funny that's what Terezi had you change, and that it worked. I've seen her a few times, and she doesn't like to mention it. But Vriska said the living version of her was really mean."

You've heard similar things in confidence. Besides Terezi, no one much cares if the Thief of Light comes home. "I didn't talk to her for very long. She kind of disappeared after that."

Jade frowns. "Wait... if you're from my timeline... how did that work, since there must have been another version of you?"

You had really, really hoped she wouldn't ask that.

"He died," you say shortly. "A little into the trip. To make room."

She doesn't gasp. Instead she breathes out, a quiet huff as the air leaves her. "How did we take it?"

You look away. "Not we. Dave sprite died too."

Jade doesn't say anything for a long time. She sinks down onto the edge of the stage again, and after a moment you sit down too, with a careful few inches between your shoulders. Hers are trembling.

"I can't even imagine," she says finally. "How am I? How... is she?"

"You're fine."

Her lips press together. "Of course. I'm always fine. I don't know why I asked."

"Have you... seen them?" You'd been reluctant to return to the furthest ring. If you ran into another John, dead at thirteen because of you, you're not sure what you'd say.

"No. And we've looked." Her voice shakes. "We looked so hard."

"It was a big choice the denizens gave us. Maybe..." You drag your foot along the ground. "Maybe they had to be gone all the way."

"It's not fair," she says quietly. And maybe it's because it's Jade saying this - Jade, who raised herself from childhood and put up with all your bullshit and is dead, dead in front of you while you're still breathing - you finally let yourself agree.

"It sucks."

"Will you come back?" she asks when you break your long silence and say you have to go. "You're the only one who remembers traveling together."

Everyone on Earth C has divided themselves up into groups that don't include you. There are only so many hours you can budget to movies or staring at the ceiling. "Sure," you say. "I can do that."

"I told everyone I met you, and people have been asking," she says the next time you visit. "They wanted to know where Roxy, Davesprite, and Rose are. We haven't seen them either."

"Roxy came back from the other timeline with me. Didn't I tell you last time?"

"I don't remember... maybe you did. My thoughts get jumbled a lot out here." She gestures toward the horizon, where enormous tea pots rise out of tangled jungle. With surroundings like this, you're not surprised she could get mixed up. She was always forgetful before. "What about the others?"

You'd only heard about the sprites squared secondhand - they vanished somewhere and haven't been seen since. "They... something weird happened to them. I don't know what's going on with that. But... I'd tell people not to expect them any time soon."

She bites her lip and nods. "Kanaya's not going to like hearing that."

"Sorry." An enameled cat painted on two stories of ceramic regards you accusingly. "I get Dave sprite a lot more now. I wish I could've told him that."

Jade doesn't look at you. "I don't remember the last thing I said to him. None of us were talking much by the end, and you don't think about that kind of thing when you see someone every day. There's always tomorrow."

You don't remember what you said to the people from your timeline either. You could change it - you can go anywhere in time and space, teleport right in and tell them, This is what you mean to me. This is what I want you to know. But what would be the point?

"I do know the last thing I said to Rose, though," Jade continues. "I still have all our conversations saved in Pesterchum. I reread them sometimes during our trip. I spent three whole years thinking of how I'd say hello."

"You never said hi?" You had briefly. Rose had wanted you to tell Roxy something. What had her message been?

"No. First I was evil, and then I was dead."

"I don't know what you said in the new timeline, but you did meet then. Obviously."

She nods. "At least all of you could be happy."

Are all of you happy? You think of Terezi, still missing in the void looking for someone who's never coming back. You think about you. "Yeah," you say. "At least there's that."

Your visits get more frequent. After long breaks, the gap between your ages is too jarring. You're taller than her now. Were you really that young when you played the game?

She offers to bring Dave to say hi once, but you turn her down. "I could hang out with Dave on Earth if I wanted to," you say. "Although he hangs out a lot more with Karkat. They're dating, isn't that weird?"

"Not really. He spends most of his time with the trolls here. I see Jake more than I see him."

"I mean, because he's a boy."

One of her ears flicks back. "I never understood why people got so hung up on things like that. I never saw the difference."

"Wait, are you saying you would date a girl?"

She shrugs. "Maybe in another life."

You had another life, and it doesn't have much to recommend itself. It's your first one you revisit now. It's funny. When you were on the Prospitian battleship, all you wanted was to get off of it. You didn't think you were having any fun. So where are all these good memories coming from? The two of you sit together and revisit them. Remember when we made dinner together that first night? you'll ask each other. Remember when Nanna baked us all birthday cakes and we made wishes when we blew out the candles? Remember, remember, remember?

You haven't told any of the others about this. They wouldn't care - this isn't "their" Jade, after all - but also you want something of your own. Jade covers her mouth when you tell her about Rose and Kanaya's wedding and asks you to congratulate them for her. You explain your living sister spends a lot of time away exploring other worlds. One day you bring her a photo Jade sent you a little after her twentieth birthday of herself on an alien planet. Jade stares at it for a long time before handing it back and saying "So that's what I would've looked like if I'd grown up."

Sometimes you just sit quietly in each other's company. You don't tell her that you barely speak to anyone back on Earth, that you feel like all your friends are actors played by people who aren't doing a very good job, and if you push a tree too hard it'll fall over and reveal itself to be painted plywood like something out of the Twilight Zone. You don't say that for every year your dead sister, forever sixteen, doesn't show, you feel like you're carrying twice that weight, and that even though you're a Breath player, it's getting harder and harder to breathe. You don’t share that Caliborn has been bothering you for a rematch, and you’re thinking maybe you should take him up on it. It'd be nice to have a problem you can hit again. Maybe the others would want to come. It could be as close to old times as you’re going to get.

"Do you think I made the right decision?" you ask one day to break the silence.

She looks at you. She's realized you hate seeing her blank eyes and usually keeps her gaze averted. The sight still makes you flinch. "Oh John," she says. "I don't know."

"This timeline is because of me. I should have found a better way, a way everyone could've been ok. But I just... took orders. That's all I ever do. I take orders and get people hurt." It's hard to force the words out. They wobble and crack, but you don't cry. You won't cry. "I'm sorry. I never wanted things to turn out this way." The last bit is hardest. If you say it out loud, will all the stage dressings of the world you go back to fall down? Will the actors playing your friends believe you think they're not worth what you did? "I think I made a mistake."

"It's ok," she says.

"It's not ok." Your voice rises, and for the first time in years you feel heat prickling at your eyelids. "I was just trying to fix things." Your hands flicker with blue-white light and you know you could keep trying, go back to reset things again and again like a gamer angling for a high score, but you'll never get back that first life you lost. There's no way to win without leaving a million dead ends in your wake. Or if there was, you weren't good enough to find it. "All I was ever trying to do was save you."

#kat writes fic

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abundantchewtoys · 5 years

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HS Epi: Meat p10 reaction

So, with little fanfare, we've passed the point in time that is the Masterpiece.

I wonder if John's next interaction with the outside world will be granting himself retcon powers, or whether from his perspective the next thing is being summoned by Vriska. That being said, I wonder how Vriska will react to seeing these people emerge from the house artefact, you'd think she'd be very surprised. Will John & co. have felt it to be hours from their perspective, being trapped? Or longer? Can't have been years, or their relative age difference wouldn't matter any more.

Also, is Davepetasprite^2 nearby for their confrontation with LE? If not, this definitely won't be the final showoff! But if she is, well... I wonder how things turn out, this almost can't already be it for Lord English. Then again, if the perspective now switches back to Earth C for a long time, by the time we switch back the plot could be culminating.

I also wonder if there will be any interaction with the people outside the Black Hole's event horizon (I know, contradiction in termini there). Like, post-retcon Aradia, who'd been watching the mayhem unfold.

---

"Jane Crocker sweeps into her office" Well then. That answers that. Mary Poppins-style entry for them, then? :P Courtyard Droll isn't around to be wielding an umbrella, fortunately.

I'm interested to get a good look into her mind, given all we've heard said about the state of Earth C, and Dave's mistrust in her. Also wondering how her relationship with her Dad has evolved over the years. Wouldn't at all be surprised if he was still leaving supportive notes as well as confectionary in her office.

Blaperile has a good point, Dirk might be coming around, being her campaign manager. Their relationship was always interesting, due to the similarities to as well as the differences with John & Dave's.

"The sun cuts through her venetian blinds, painting butter-yellow strips of light all the way from one end of her impeccably tailored office to the other." In other words, exactly the state in which a private investigator likes their office to brood. :P Stations may change but demeanors don't do as quickly.

"It’s a lovely day, like most days, so not terribly remarkable except for the horrid news that she has just received at her customary morning press conference." There's competition afoot and its name is Vantas.

"[Jane] brushes her hands over her hips to smooth the wrinkles out of her powder-blue pencil skirt. Then she hems, haws, puffs out her cheeks, and takes a very deep breath before snatching a pillow off the nearest couch so that she can scream into it." So majestic. And such a Jane thing to do, too (even though Rose started the whole screaming into pillows for Homestuck), remember the time she was being 'supportive' when Jake was contemplating Dirk's affections? Both times, really.

"There are, surely, a multitude of ways for a person to find out that an acquaintance is running against you in a presidential election. From a carapacian reporter, in front of twenty-six other members of the interspecies press, was not the method Jane would have personally chosen." Welp. Well, yeah, it stood to reason Dave wasn't going to say anything, given his misgivings about her. 27 reporters, huh. Kinda wondering about how representative they were to the entirety of the populace. All the bigwig stations must've been represented, of course, but then it would seem humanity has an overly large representation in those already.

"She cannot believe that Karkat would do this to her. This is no longer a political fiat (which the election would surely have been had she run uncontested by any other civilization-founding celebrities) but rather a battle between “friends.” What did Vantas think he was doing?" Well, uh, it seems that he's giving you fair competition where you seemed to be of the idea there wouldn't be any. That's not really a good starting point for a politician, Jane. Seems like her business-minded attitude is indeed influencing her campaign strategy.

"This could not have possibly been Karkat’s idea." Yeah, I'd thought she'd be on to it quickly.

"He is not cut out for politics, neither intellectually nor in the very important matter of social constitution. Certainly not when it comes to economic policy. In fact, Jane is pretty sure that Karkat Vantas would probably literally burst into flame if too many people happened to look at him at the same time, like a vampire walking out into the sun." I was going to say that's unfair of her, but then she's never known Karkat when he's aflame with purpose, only the Karkat that's been hurt too much and suffered too many losses to remain motivated. Also, of course she'd "think of the economy" first. :P That's hilarious given Dave's concerns.

"Wait. Jane lowers the pillow from her face and stares at her brass-and-glass art deco ceiling. Was that vampire thing xenophobic against Kanaya?" Well, at least we know that IF Jane's really xenophobic, as Dave fears, she's trying to become aware of when she is and doing something about it. Of course, trying and succeeding are two different things - just as Karkat.

As for it being hurtful, well... Good thing she never met Game Over Kanaya, she might have had some objections to death-by-light-from-above.

"Dave was certainly no Dirk Strider, no Rose Lalonde, no Roxy, but he had that same scheming gene, buried deep down beneath his transparent onion layers of posturing and, frankly, rather outdated humor. An instinct to plan." Well, I wouldn't have said as much - if it was genetically determined there's no reason Dave couldn't have just not inherited those genes. But then, I'm all here to see Dave's take on scheming, sure. He's had a great example in John planting ideas about apple juice in his head. The bar is already set.

"And despite being inarguably the dimmest of his family’s impressive ecto-biological stock...

Oh, dear. Stock. That’s likely a problematic word, isn’t it?" Yep, seems like Jane really is trying. Can't believe I'm saying this, but if Kankri were here, he might have some good advice for her. A lot of bad, too, but still.

"Despite being the least mentally gifted member of his family" Eesh, okay, but she's still got a lot of prejudices to work out.

"Dave has always had an awful lot of opinions on the economy. In fact, Jane cannot remember a single conversation she’s ever had with him that wasn’t about the economy. She thinks back to one time at John’s eighteenth birthday when Dave engaged her in a rigorous and rather one-sided debate about deregulation and the failure of “neoliberal austerity measures” until Karkat had to come over and put his hands over his roommate’s mouth to make him stop talking." Well, I guess he's really, REALLY concerned. Can't blame the guy, though, but poor Jane, Rose knows what that's like, being on the other side of that trailing, lumbering monologuing. At least Rose's monologue's don't meander. :P

"carapacians were widely known to be swayed by underdog populism." That's because their civilisation was founded by WV, isn't it?

"And the consorts? Who had even given them the right to vote in the first place? In any other year..." Oh, so... Does that mean the consorts only got their right to vote so recently, after 5000 years. That's... Well, that might just be indicative that until recently, their political activism was nothing to write home about.

Jane starts to chew a pencil and it's just so FITTING for her, she's so fidgety, it's probably how Jade ended up being so giddy.

"In any other year, this wouldn’t be a problem. She’d be happy to accept a graceful, temporary defeat and let Karkat play president for a couple of years. After all, unlike her, he was not immortal." ... Eesh, so, yeah, that confirms that Karkat's godhood isn't expected to be eternal, unlike the humans. They could be wrong about it.

But what is so special about the current year, is the political situation on Earth C THAT volatile, or is Jane aware of things about to unfold on a cosmic scale - or even pan-cosmic, if she knows about the events back in canon with the Black Hole 'n all.

"But Earth C’s paper-thin idyllic history was very close to a boiling point—its very first boiling point, in fact, which will have everything to do with the problematic nature of troll reproduction." Ahhhh, right. So that's why she's aiming for the reigns. Didn't think her 'political takeover' had so moral reasons. ... Or, well, at least humanitarian.

"The first generation of natural-born trolls obviously cannot be entrusted to a troll." ...

Well that's just cruel. I know she'll have reasons given troll history on Alternia and B2 Earth alike, but it's their purpose as gods to change the world for the better, together.

Guess now we get to see the parts of her thinking that gave Dave reason to brand her a fascist, semi-serious or not.

"The citizens of Earth C were able to rest easy knowing that the government held careful rein over the... well, over matters of equity. No one could possibly trust something so important to a troll, knowing what everyone knew about their violent history." So it's the hemospectrum she fears would be reinstated. She's equating their biology with their ideology then, thinking natural-born trolls are fundamentally more oppressive as to those birthed through scientific means. Oooh boy. That's a whole steaming pot of problematic thinking.

"Jane presses her eyes shut and runs her fingers along the fine-grain patterns in her mahogany-paneled desk. She is about to think something that she has promised herself never to think again. In fact, she is about to say it—this horrible, ghoulish, girlish thought that used to rule her world and make her so terribly weak. The shameful thought is expressed out loud in the form of a defeated sigh." ... Is it... "I wish Dad was here?" Even if he's still alive, she might have tried to become her own woman, cutting more ties than is healthy.

"JANE: I need Jake." Pfffff, okay, yeah, that I understand. She needs his support to swing the voters. Guess Jane is also trying very hard to be "over him", just like Jake with Dirk. I can see how well that is going for her. Now I wonder how the Nannasprites are doing.

"She spins around and, still sitting on her desk, presses a familiar entry on her phone’s contact list." Either it's Jake and it's familiar to her because she still looks at it ten times every day, or Dirk's because they get along so well and are working together on her campaign.

"JAKE: Ahoy ahoy!" ... Yeah, this is going to be so cumbersome for Jane, I can just feel it, her old feelings now causing quite the opposite response towards everything that makes Jake who he is.

"the ol’ horse tranquilizer trick." Just... just how many times has Dirk pulled this on him already? And how many more times is Jake willing to go through with their show?

"JAKE: Which i suppose i should have seen coming, as dirk has ended all of our matches in this fashion for the past week." ... Jake. Jake, honey, you need a coach. A non-robotic one. Or settle for a non-shitty spirit guide. I know that narrows it down to basically zero, as far as sprites are concerned, but still.

"JANE: Oh dear. That sounds absolutely terrible, Jake. Is there anything I can do to help?" I wouldn't like it if Jane keeps pretending to care for Jake if there wasn't any truth left to the gesture.

"JAKE: Help? Gadzooks woman! I hardly think myself in need of help. JAKE: Its a jolly good adventure working with someone so predictably unpredictable as our good friend dirk!" Then again, it would be hard not to get exasperated by all of this... airheadedness, well meaning as it is.

"You would think that Jake enjoyed the sadomasochistic nature of his and Dirk’s personal and professional relationships. Judging from the last conversation about election strategy with Dirk, he seems to be perfectly aware of this feature of Jake’s personality. You can’t be too nice when courting his endorsement, Dirk would say. He doesn’t respond to nice." So Dirk is still being rather methodical in his interactions with Jake. :/ But I mean, Jake does respond better to challenges, at least initially. He appears not be scared off/by Dirk though, I wonder how he's worked through his feelings about their breakup?

"something big and hollow and metal connecting with Jake’s head. When Jake comes back to the phone, he’s yelling into it." Jake's life is just like a cartoon on even the best of days, isn't it?

"I appreciate very much that you have called me out of the blue to say such nice things to me with no ulterior motive!

From anyone else, this would have been a portentous statement. However, Jane knows that Jake English could not have possibly meant this with anything but the utmost sincerity." Well, I wouldn't mind it for Jake to have developed a level of self-awareness, but yeah... That's unlikely by now, isn't it?

"JAKE: Because i must note that although i try to stay sporting about what comes at me, i cant say that i am chuffed about how much of my correspondence lately has to do with the marketing of my image. JAKE: Its beginning to feel like all people want from me is to stick my derriere on a signpost for their own profit." ... Well, okay, he's become self-aware to the extent he realizes people idolize him and pine for his affections. But that's just because he was so very much affected by that during the session. It'll take a lot longer for him to pick up on more subtle and rarer things, though.

"It must be so difficult. For you more than the rest of us, due to your, let’s say... JANE: Natural gifts? JAKE: Huh?" Well, guess he doesn't realize his good looks yet, at least.

"JANE: But you know that I have always wanted what’s best for you, right? JANE: And I am ready to give that to you. JAKE: To give me what? JANE: The best, Jake. The very best." That could be very ominous, "what's best for you". But what would it be if it were sincere? A way to follow in his Grandma's footsteps, while ensuring he doesn't blunder and blow up anyting unintentionally?"

Jake is quiet a moment, and Jane can hear the rusty gears turning in his head." Insert "*thinking*" smiley here.

"JANE: You should stop by to see me this evening! JAKE: Do you mean my evening or yours? Were in different time zones right now and i dare say that the sun just went down here so if you wanted to have a soiree on my time youve missed your chance." It'd be a fair question, assuming Jane could've been in his neighbourhood. I'm sure their meetup won't go quite as nefarious as pretending they're dating to the press, right? ... Right, Jane?"

Jane feels her fake smile flexing so hard that it was beginning to hurt. Oh yes, she loved this man in basically every category that you could possibly love a person, but sometimes talking to him is like trying to build a house of cards while riding a mechanical bull." Ah, so they were facetiming? :P Note the past tense in 'loved'. :/ Well, old flames do still elicit feelings of friendship, a lot of times.

"JANE: Mine, of course! I’ll have the best year of your favorite crocodile-made scotch flown in from the Consort Kingdom and we’ll have a little catch-up.

Jake actually hates scotch, and only drinks it for appearance’s sake. But for this—for this unbelievably pivotal moment in the history of the planet that they created with their bare hands—Jane is willing to spend a few thousand boonbucks to watch her old friend pretend to sip at the same glass for a couple of hours while prattling on." So: A) Crocodiles might be living in Scotland, if the scotch authentic. Highlander Crocs in kilts and playing bagpipes. Glorious. B) Boonbucks are the currency running the economy, which explains how they can all be so rich. Of course, their influx of cash could've disrupted the economy, but if it had Dave's would've already complained about it. C) Guess there's never been something as disruptive to happen to Earth C as the Mother Grub, then. Not even natural disasters. D) Plan Fake Date is apparently, actually going to happen.

"Time to work your magic, Crocker." Magic being ruthless business-minded political scheming, I hope. Since she's serving Jake drinks he doesn't like, it'll all be for pretense, down to the drinks too. But I wouldn't like to be in Jake's shoes if she starts to fake-fancying him.

#homestuck #homestuck epilogues #homestuck liveblog #reaction #upd8 #spoiler alert #jane crocker

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bronzeflower · 6 years

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Who The Fuck Writes A Ten-Page Rant?????

Chapter 17: The Totally Tubular And Radical Museum Of Art

Also on ao3

-----

How everyone managed to fit inside this car was beyond you. It was honestly some kind of magic or some shit. It was gonna be like one of those fucking clown cars where clowns just keep coming out. Maybe that’s where Rose got this car. Just from a bunch of clowns. Maybe you should ask her.

“Holy fuck, Rose, did you get this car from a bunch of clowns?” Karkat yelled out before you got the chance to.

“Yes, Karkat. I searched all over the globe for a chance to buy a tacky car from a circus that was going out of business. They were crying when I handed them the money and sobbing the moment I drove the brightly painted car away, never to be seen again. I spared a short moment to think about them while I had the car painted as black as the depths of my soul. It was heartbreaking.”

“What color was the car originally?” Kanaya inquired, preventing you from asking that very same question.

“All colors of the rainbow, all the colors swirling together like spilled blood. It had a bright red sphere at the tip of it, imitating the clowns’ nose.”

“Smells delicious!” Terezi cackled, and Roxy bumped you with her elbow.

“Don’t worry bout’ them. We’ll just be voidy buddies over here. All hidden and mysterious and shit. Like ninjas. God, ninjas are so cool. They’re, like, wizards but their majyyks are about staying hidden and all that stuff.”

“What to start a ninja group?” You asked. “We, of course, keep it a secret from everyone cause that’s the whole point, but it will be its own sect of magic that no one knows about and that’s the entire point of it.”

“Dave.” Roxy looked at you. “That sounds totes amazingballs. We should defo do it.”

“And this is the address of our mysterious extra guest?” Rose questioned, interrupting you and Roxy from your conversation about ninjas.

“You’ll see!” Terezi said as she hopped out of the car to knock on the door of the house that was super overgrown, almost as if it had been abandoned for years.

The door opened after a moment, revealing a cheerful looking troll with cat-like features wearing an overall dress with an olive green coat. Paired with the outfit was a bright blue hat with a cat face on it and a pair of rainbow stockings.

Terezi and the cat troll hugged and went to the car while holding hands.

“Hey, folks!” Terezi greeted. “This is my matesprit! Karkat and Kanaya already know her, but for the humans present here, this is Nepeta.”

“Wait, shit that’s your matesprit?” You interjected. “I didn’t even know you were dating anyone. I mean, I guess that is pretty personal information, and obviously, I’m not offended or anything that you didn’t tell me, but holy shit, when did the two of you start dating? Because if it was, like, a year ago, I’m going to be a little bit offended.”

“No, Dave, we got together about a month ago. It hasn’t been that long.”

“Alright-that’s chill. Yo, Nepeta, right? I’m Dave.” You stuck out your hand for a handshake before realizing something. “Wait, I’m pretty sure I met you online, and we roleplayed for a short bit.”

Nepeta’s eyes kind of lit up in recognition.

“Oh, yeah! I remember mew! It was purrty fun to roleplay with mew! Purrhaps we should do it again sometime.”

“Sounds dope as hell. Oh, yeah, just so you know, these are my sisters, Roxy and Rose,” You pointed to each respective sister. “They’re pretty cool depending on what kind of traits you like in a person. You go to Rose for weirdly invasive conversations about how you’re attracted to your own mother, and you go to Roxy for hot tips about domestic house cleaning.”

“Don’t worry about Dave. He has many issues yet to be examined,” Rose said.

“I resent that statement,” You said, but you didn’t really mean it. Pretty much everybody who knew any of you knew that you were a fucked up bunch of people. Although, who knew you was kind of questionable because a lot of people know you as a Grubtuber, but not necessarily as a person, so you suppose there were plenty of people who knew you who were unaware of the fact that you and your siblings were all a little bit fucked up. Or a lot fucked up.

“Ignoring the weird statements Dave always seems incapable of not saying, holy shit, you’re dating each other!?” Karkat exclaimed.

“Yes, Karkat, get with the program,” Terezi said.

“Yeah, Karkat, get with the program,” You mimicked and got a light wack from Karkat for doing so.

“I am with the program. Excuse me if I want to act a little surprised when I find out two of my friends are dating.”

“Especially since Purreszi and I have a litter bit of hisstory with Karakitty,” Nepeta whispered to you, and you nodded sagely, promising yourself to keep this secret that was entrusted to you locked up tight in your heart.

“What kind of history?” Goddamnit.

“Oh, mew know,” Nepeta said, but you really had absolutely no idea about what was going on with the entire relationship that the three of them may or may not have had. Well, you were pretty sure that Karkat had a crush on Terezi at some point or another, but you didn’t really know how Nepeta fit into all that stuff.

”Oh, yeah, I totes know,” Roxy responded, but she was always good at figuring out what people were saying based on what they didn’t say.

You, however, didn’t have that same luxury.

“I don’t,” You said because, let’s be honest, this was probably the most interesting conversation you’ve had in a fucking while. And also you’re a slut for gossip. “Not that you have to tell me or anything. We’re still pretty much strangers at this point, but I’ve known Karkat for a short while and Terezi for much longer, so I don’t think it would be completely out of bounds to know a little bit of their past dating history.”

“Don’t you mean a litter bit?” Nepeta asked, and you laughed.

“Yes, fuck, absolutely. Abpawlutely? Fuck. I don’t know how to make a pun out of that. Whatever. The point of the matter is that I’ve known both Karkat and Terezi for a while. Not that you have to tell me. I’m not even sure if Terezi and Karkat would be okay with you telling me or even them telling me or me finding out in any situation in general, but I can tell you that I am, in fact, curious as all get out over here.”

“Oh my fucking Jesus god, Dave. Shut the fuck up,” Karkat interrupted. “I don’t give a single, solitary, flying fuck if you knew what happened because that occurred literally sweeps ago. I’m over it. Utterly and completely.”

“Are you certain about that, Karkat?” Kanaya asked. “We can talk about it if you wish.”

“Yeah, I’m over it. No need to talk about it. We could talk about other things later though.”

“Ugh! You’re both so cute and gross!” Terezi claimed. “I love you both, but quit it! That stuff should stay private.”

“Hey! What’s so salacious about considering discussing a certain subject with my moirail?”

“We’re here at the museum,” Rose interrupted the conversation, which was honestly probably for the best, even if you didn’t get to know what was going on exactly. Although, gathering from context, Karkat and Kanaya were being gross moirails. “But, before we go in, we’ve got to set a few ground rules.”

“Shit, man, are we a bunch of kids who are going to be running around all chaotic if we don’t have a few rules to keep us down?” You asked, but your statement was countered by Terezi.

“Shut up, Dave! Rules are important! They keep society running and put horrible criminals in jail!”

“Yes, rules happen to be quite important most of the time, even though there are plenty of laws that I personally would consider to be unjust,” Kanaya said. “So I agree with Rose on setting a few grounds rules, especially because I know for certain that our particular friend group has the tendency to be a little more than a bit chaotic. Some grounding would do us good.”

“Now we have that settled, I will actually go onto just a few things I would like for all of you to keep in mind as we enter the museum. First of all, use some basic common sense and follow basic rules. Second, if any of us get lost or if we decide to split up, go to the front of the museum near the entrance so that we can find you. Third, have fun. Any questions?”

“This isn’t pawticularly a question, but wouldn’t it be better if we decided on a loclawtion once we enter the museum? The front seems like the place that would be the busiest, and people who go there might be whiskered away by the crowd.”

“Oh shit that’s a really good question, even though it wasn’t really a question, but who really cares about the specifics of that, and wow, I just said the word ‘really’ a lot in that sentence, but I guess that doesn’t really matter since it’s not like anything I say matters in the long run,” You rambled. “It’s kind of comforting to think of my place in the world like that, you know? Like, no matter how many mistakes I make or how much stupid shit manages to come waterfalling out of my mouth, it just doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I’m just a guy in a sea of women and men and people and plants and animals and the thought of that is nice.”

“Davey,” Roxy said. “I agree with you completely, but we’re trying to not get potentially killed, kidnapped, or in trouble at a museum right now, so I don’t think right now is the time to go around admitting to the world that we don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.”

“Oh, shit, yeah, you’re right. Everyone, disregard whatever I was saying. I forgot everything I was just talking about anyway, so you all should forget about what I was just saying. Or don’t. I guess it doesn’t really matter.”

“I’m not sure if I agree with what you were saying, but, sure. We’ll continue setting down the ground rules like we were doing before. In response to Nepeta’s concern, how about we stick together until we get inside and then decide on a meeting place. If one of us somehow manages to get lost during that time, meet up at the car.”

“Alright that sounds like as good a plan as any,” You responded. “Certainly better than, like, I don’t know, meeting up at the front like we were originally going to do, no shade, tbh, but we already established that shit was not a super great idea. Where else would we even possibly meet up otherwise? Shit man I have no idea.”

“Yes, now that Dave has decided to cease his ramblings, does anybody else have questions?”

“What exactly are these ‘basic rules’ we have to follow?” Terezi questioned. “As a lawyer, it is my job to know all the rules and regulations of everything.”

“Well, there are the rules set in place by the museum itself, such as no flash photography and no touching the paintings. That means no licking the paintings, Terezi.”

“I can still stiff them, right?”

“Yes, so long as none of the art is damaged in the process. With that, no damaging any of the art and no stealing it either. I’m looking at you, Roxy,” Rose squinted her eyes suspiciously towards Roxy, who held her hands up in innocence.

“I ain’t gonna steal the paintings, sis, alright? Besides, what kind of shit would I even use a big ol’ painting or statue for? Unless I was selling it to get money for those in need, then I might steal some fancy art stuff. But, other than that, I promise to refrain from stealing anything. Daytime isn’t even a good time to steal shit.”

“I’m glad we have that squared away. Anything else we want to question?” Rose asked.

“Yeah, actually. I’ve got a question,” You decided on only asking the best question ever in existence. You pause for dramatic effect.

“Dave. I am completely unable to answer your question if you don’t fucking ask it.”

“Right, right, alright, here goes my question, all prepared and ready to be answered and all that jazz.”

“Just ask the fucking question, Dave!” Karkat interjected.

“Alright, fine. My question is as follows-what if I don’t want to have fun? What if, instead, I want to revel in the horror that the art bestows upon me, or the sadness? What then, huh? What if I want to cry in front of the paintings because of the amount of pain they depict? What if I want to scream in anger at them because they’re about to put down the revolution going on? What if I’m part of that revolution? What then, Rose, what then?”

“I suppose having fun isn’t an actually a requirement more than a suggestion, but it would be preferable that you enjoyed your experience at this art museum, particularly since you and Roxy were the ones who invited us all on this excursion.”

“Nah, don’t worry. I’m gonna have a good time.”

“Alright, anything else we have not yet addressed? Kanaya, do you have a ride coming in an hour? If not, I’d be happy to drop you off where you need to go,” Rose stated.

“No, that is quite alright. I do, in fact, already have someone who is going to bring me to where I need to go. Thank you for the offer. I might actually consider it if the person doesn’t uphold their end of the arrangement.”

“Shall we go in then?”

“Yes, that’d be delightful.”

All of you got out of the car, but not without Rose flirting with Kanaya by going through the whole spiel of opening the door for her and holding her hand as she got out of the car as gracefully as someone possibly even could. You’d be impressed if you weren’t being grossed out by the fact that your sister was romancing Kanaya. You were happy for them and all, but still. Seeing your sister flirt wasn’t fun at all.

Aside from Kanaya and Rose flirting immensely, you all do manage to get inside the art museum and pick a spot to meet up if any of you get separated from each other. Getting separated happened pretty much immediately as Terezi took off with Nepeta, which was kind of a shame since you were looking forward to getting to know Nepeta a bit better. It was whatever though because you could always get to know Nepeta later on pesterchum. Or trollian or whatever chat client Nepeta used.

And then Roxy went off with Rose and Kanaya because she wanted to get to know Kanaya better, which was pretty fair. Kanaya did stop to make sure Karkat was okay with her going off with Roxy and Rose and doing their own thing before leaving, so that was pretty chill.

That did mean you were left with Karkat, and you definitely did not think about the implications of being split up into what were basically couples. Well, Roxy wasn’t in a couple, but she was third-wheeling a couple, so you guessed it still counted. Point is, you were not thinking about it.

Karkat was your bro. It was time to make fun of pretentious paintings with your bro. And also statues. And also make fun of how none of the artists looked like they had ever seen a boob in their life.

“Alright, Karkat. We’ve been left alone to function according to our own desires and devices. What do you want to do? I say that, but I really mean where do you want to go first? There’s, like, a bajillion different exhibits to peruse through, and we don’t have all day. We’ve got to choose super carefully and figure out which exhibits has the most potential for our hungry-for-art eyes. Which exhibit is most worthy of our respective words and hot bodes? What l;asjdfaslk;fj-”

You were interrupted from your beautiful speech about what exhibit to go to by Karkat putting his hand over your mouth in an attempt to get you to shut up. It only really kind of worked, and you licked his hand pretty much immediately.

“Gross,” Karkat retracted his hand from your mouth and wiped his hand on your shirt.

“Gross.”

“It’s your spit. I’m just putting it back where it belongs, you goddamn cabbage bastard.”

“I can’t even be offended when you insult me creatively. It just awakens the musical brain, wondering how I can use the phrase ‘cabbage bastard’ and other variations of that phrase in some dope ass raps and slam poetry.”

“What? So I should only ever bother to insult you when I utilize the most bare bones of insults available to me, ignoring the array of possible offenders that may be perfectly ripe for the picking of my scorn.”

“No, I don’t think I could ever actually handle it if you stopped using your insults. I may have never had them in my life before, but the moment you sent me that ten-page rant, I couldn’t help but want more. And then, as if the gods brought us together, I found you at Rosemary, and I got to know you, and I was graced with your beautiful insults. They are my lifeline now. I don’t think I can bear to live without them anymore.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up,” Karkat pointed towards an abstract painting because apparently, you both walked into the abstract art gallery. “And look at the paintings.”

“Well that’s a dandy fucking painting right there. Lots of colors, lots of paints, looks like a rose had sex with a lamp. Or maybe it looks like a rose having sex with a lamp. What do you think, Karkat? Cash or trash?”

“Cash or trash?” Karkat questioned, shooting you a look that was a mixture of disgust and confusion.

“You know, is this painting worth actual money, aka cash, or should it be thrown in the garbage, aka trash,” You explained.

“I highly doubt I’ll be able to make any sort of judgment about that. It’s really not my place to decide whether a painting or statue or whatever that someone worked hard on is worth the effort they put into it.”

“Well, all these are paintings that were obviously sold to a museum, so they have to be worth something, otherwise there’d be no use in showing them, but, in this case, I’m mostly asking your personal opinion. Let’s say cash in terms of you would consider buying it if you had the money, and trash in terms of you would never even consider getting that painting anywhere near your beloved home. Or maybe we could do bash instead of trash, in which case we just shit talk the painting relentlessly and make the security guards and parents uncomfortable with our borderline pornographic roast.”

“Your roast will be borderline pornographic,” Karkat correct. “My roast will be delicate and thought out, carefully seasoned and turned over a fire to achieve the most critically acclaimed criticism able to be graced upon other’s spongeclots.”

“Oh, shit. I am here for this roast. I need to know if it is as truly delicious as I had heard.”

“Well you don’t get to eat the roast,” Karkat commented, sending you into a fit of laughter.

“Right, well, tell me what you think of the painting anyway.”

Karkat stared at the painting for a moment before responding to your statement.

“I think it’s a piece of shit. The person who painted this has no idea that color theory is something that exists, and their placement of the colors looks similar to nearly every other abstract painting out there. I wouldn’t be surprised if they plagiarized the work, but that would be unlikely since it’s currently in a reputable museum. Regardless, it’s a piece of shit. I vote trash.”

“And that’s the first round of Cash or Trash!” You opted to put on your best announcer/game show host voice. “This painting, ‘Roadwash’, by the artist Ertidy Bushaw has been voted as trash by our contestant, the one, the only, Karkat Vantas. Let’s go to the next painting to see what he says next.”

Karkat couldn’t keep the smile off his face, despite the fact that was really trying his best to keep a grumpy demeanor or, at the very least, a straight face.

“Now we have the next painting. Bold and daring, we have the beautiful work of Reia Equitor, who has decided to name this particular painting ‘The World of Nothingness and Everythingness.’ What will our contestant say?” You pretended that you were holding a microphone and holding it up to Karkat.

“First of all, I’m insulted that you think I need a microphone,” Karkat started out, causing you to choke out a quick laugh before going back to holding a semi-straight face. “Second of all, this painting is better than the last one. The artist has some idea of color theory, but her choice in colors are a bit too bold for my liking. I appreciate her skill in using negative space to achieve her vision, but it’s not really something that tickles my fancy. Trash.”

“We have a harsh grader over here-will he like the next one? Or will it go in the garbage can like the others? Let’s see, shall we?” You and Karkat walked over to the next painting, and you continued your announcer/game show host voice. “This painting, called ‘Puffed Rice’, looks like a close up of a bowl of burnt puffed rice. The artist goes by the name of Telleray. Now for the fated question: Mr. Vantas- cash or trash?”

“Hmm… The colors aren’t actually bad in this one. It has a sort of geometric patterning, which I do like, and the black of the burnt rice goes well with the blue and white ceramic bowl. The colors are easy on the eyes, and the shapes all nicely go together like a puzzle. I’ll say cash on this round.”

“Our first cash winner! Looks like third time’s the charm! I’d never thought I’d see the day when an abstract painting won cash! Most people just complain about how pretentious artists are for making abstract paintings, but here we have a winner for once in this show! I think we might have to have a celebration to commemorate the occasion!”

“That won’t be necessary, Mr. Strider. I’ll just take the painting and leave, thank you very much.” Karkat mimed taking the painting off the wall and holding it under his arm. He then proceeded to bestow upon you pretend cash, which you pretended to take.

“Alright, you tired of the abstract gallery at all?” You asked.

“Dave, we’ve only looked at one room of paintings. There’s a reason there’s an entire section solely dedicated to abstract artistry.”

“Don’t tell me-the next room is also full of abstract artistic pieces.”

“I’m afraid to tell you this, but that is, in fact, the case. If you’re so sick of abstract stuff already, we could go into a section that holds more classical pieces.”

“Equally as pretentious, but there’s more things to shit on. Sounds like a dream to bash and trash on. I say we go there.”

You and Karkat made your way over to a section that was mostly full of portraits of the rich people of the past, which mostly meant that the paintings were full of cool-blooded trolls and white people. There were exceptions to both of those, obviously, but you couldn’t really argue with the overwhelming facts that there were certain people who held the majority of the wealth at one point or another.

“Alright, what do you think of this lady who looks like she’s about to get tried for witchcraft with all that water magic she looks like she’s doing? What’s this shit called? ‘Before the Trial’ by David Austin? Shit, I guess she was just about to be tried for witchcraft. Shit was bonkers. People being tried for witchcraft all the time. Don’t a bunch of trolls have, like, actual legit powers? Can you even imagine what the humans of the time would think? Jesus, there would be an actual war. Although, I guess there was already a war, but it ended at some point I think. I don’t know, I never actually paid much attention in history class.”

That was actually a lie. You were probably the biggest nerd in your entire class. You just pretended you were too cool for school. Shit, are you still pretending you were too cool for school? You’re really trying to get into the habit of being a little more genuine, especially since you started being moirails with Aradia. So maybe you should backtrack.

“Well, I did pay attention in history class, but I pretended not to because of reasons. The point is, people were fucked, but everyone probably would have been more fucked if shit happened further in the past, you get me?” Aradia would have probably been proud of you for saying that. Heck, you’re proud of you for admitting that. You decided to give yourself a mental pat on the back. “Anyway, I’ve said my peace. What’s your professional opinion?”

“Yeah, humans would have been fucked if trolls came any earlier than we did,” Karkat agreed. “You guys barely had figured out bathing, much less advanced technology. But, as for the painting, it looks well made and well preserved. The woman in the painting looks like she’s having a good time, but she almost looks like a child in this painting. Maybe it’s the way she’s staring at the floating water in wonder. Maybe it’s the fact that she’s going to die soon. Either way, she looks way too young for the context of the painting. I’ll say cash for this one.”

“I’m gonna have to agree with you on that one. This is a fucking gorgeous painting, and if it wasn’t illegal, I’d probably steal it away. Although if I did, you know Terezi would defend me to the death. That, or she would kill me first. It’s kind of a toss-up. Probably left to a coin that she would flip and then tell me that she’s blind, so she can’t even see the result of the whole thing. Like this gig that basically results in giving the other person a glimmer of hope while also knowing that there’s really no choice in the matter. Basically, it’s the illusion of choice. One is always going to be the ‘correct’ one, but that’s more a matter of judgment, isn’t it?”

“Huh,” Karkat kind of just stared at you for a moment. “Yeah. I guess so. But, I think all the choices you make in your life are the correct ones, no matter how dumb or stupid they might seem to be at the time. After all, if the choices you make create the person you are today, then you couldn’t really have made any other choices otherwise you might have ended up completely different.”

“Huh,” Now it was your turn to stare. “Yeah, I guess so.”

You and Karkat wandered over to another room filled with portraits of rich people. And some not rich people. But mostly rich people who had a shit ton of money who were actually able to afford to pay someone to come over and force them to sit still so they could be painted.

Karkat suddenly stopped in front of one of the paintings, and you looked up towards it.

It was a painting of someone who looked a lot like Karkat. There was blood of a bright red hue covering the troll’s hands, and the sight of it made you a little nauseous. The wrists were chained together by irons that were shaped like Karkat’s sign. The man was clearly in pain, but he held himself high in a manner that almost seemed dignified. But he also looked like he was about to cry.

It was striking as much as it was horrifying.

You looked back over to Karkat. Karkat was staring at the painting with as much a mixture of horror and fascination as you’re pretty sure you had while looking at the painting. However, Karkat also seemed to be staring at the painting in awe and wonder.

He gaped at the painting for what felt like an eternity before he slowly turned his head towards you.

“Cash.”

And that was all you needed to hear.

“You heard it here folks, another cash painting! Sold to Karkat Vantas, it’s ‘The Signful’ by Anonymous! A mysterious painting this is!”

Karkat responded by breaking wide into a grin, and the smile probably legitimately made your heart stop.

“It’s nice to see someone like me in a place like this,” Karkat whispered so softly and so gently, and you felt your heart squeeze in your chest. His grin had softened into a small smile.

“Come on! Let’s go to the next room and ignore all the paintings of the clearly rich as fuck people and focus on the more interesting ones.” Karkat took your hand to guide you to the next area.

You felt your stomach doing somersaults.

Karkat stopped in front of one of the paintings and was squinting his eyes at it.

He was still holding your hand, and your heart was beating too fast, like a sudden change in time signature in a brand new piece, but the last thing you wanted to do was let go.

“Are there dogs fucking in the background of this piece?” Karkat said, shocking your heart and getting it back down to speed.

You looked at the painting and, sure enough, there were dogs screwing in the background.

“Holy shit,” You said totally gracefully. “What’s this shit called, uh, Brothel Scene by Frans Van Mieris.”

“That’s an apt name for it,” Karkat stuck his tongue out at the painting. “That’s disgusting though.”

You, however, thought it was hilarious, and it was now your phone background. Wait, you had a better idea for a phone background.

“Yo, Karkat, let’s take a selfie.”

“What? A selfie? Who are you, Eridan?”

“I would be offended by that if I didn’t know you were joking. Come on, just take a selfie with me so that we can commemorate the occasion.”

“The occasion of finding a painting with dogs doing the do in the background?” Karkat shrugged. “Eh, sure, why not. It’s not like I have a reputation to uphold or anything.”

“Sweet.” You and Karkat get in shot of the camera, and you make certain to include the two dogs fucking in the picture.

There, now that was your background.

“You know, I feel like I should send a picture of this painting to Equius just to see if he’ll notice,” Karkat said. “But I haven’t talked to him in ages, so I think it might be awkward.”

“Give me his handle, and I’ll send it to him. I’ll just be the random person who’s friend’s chumhandle was a little off from his. He’ll never suspect a thing.”

“Usually, I would be against such actions, but this is too hilarious not to do. His handle is centaursTesticle.”

“That’s a horribly inappropriate name.” You said as you typed the name in the search user part of pesterchum. “I’m jealous that I didn’t think of it first.”

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering centaursTesticle [CT] --

TG: yo bro check out this painting i just found TG: https://www.mauritshuis.nl/-/media/7c9b6f8f3b9541faa3ca109dc226ccc3.ashx?mh=500&mw=500 TG: isnt that dope TG: okay maybe it isnt as fire as my rhymes TG: but still TG: its hilarious TG: look at those two dogs fucking in the background TG: why would someone even paint that TG: what kind of a freak was mr frans van mieris

CT: D --> Might I inquire about the identity of your person CT: D --> Despite your low b100d color, you appear to share a highb100d affinity for fine art CT: D --> I mean CT: D --> You seem to share my affinity for the fine arts CT: D --> That painting in particular is one of my favorites despite the 100d nature of it CT: D --> Tell me lowb100d CT: D --> I mean CT: D --> Fellow civilian CT: D --> What e%tra paintings do you enjoy grazing at

TG: grazing

CT: D --> gazing CT: D --> Do you share my love of fine art and STRONG hoofbeasts

TG: shit man i can only answer one question at a time TG: the names dave first of all TG: which i guess is a pretty fucking common name and gives you no clue as to who i actually am TG: im dave strider and im a friend of terezi and karkat who are people i am fairly certain you know TG: i also know kanaya but i dont know her relation to you TG: as for paintings im a big fan of hoofbeast art number three eighty nine by biggus dickus and cherry lemonade by benedict nick

CT: D --> I am also quite fond of those pieces CT: D --> The artists have STRONG brushstrokes

“Holy shit, Karkat. I just made those up. Those aren’t actually real paintings.”

“Holy shit,” Karkat was holding back laughter. “Keep going. I want to see how this conversation pans out.”

TG: hell yeah they do TG: i like art and all but its not really my favorite thing in the world TG: im more of a music and rap guy you feel

CT: D --> Ah so you partake in the noble art of slam poetry

TG: i dabble TG: anyway i know someone who would totally love to talk to you TG: hes my bro TG: bro for brother TG: his handles timaeustestified TG: message him if you want TG: or dont TG: i dont particularly give a shit TG: if you wanna rap though hmu

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering centaursTesticle [CT] --

“Is that really how you’re going to end that conversation?”

“Yes. I did what I came there for. Or I did what I came here for? What I did here to do? Fuck, language is a garbage disposal.”

“Watch your language,” Karkat said. “There are children around.”

“I understand where you’re coming from but given that it’s you who’s saying that, I can’t take you seriously at all,” You responded before beginning to laugh.

“I can watch my language around children!” Karkat defended. “Clearly you can’t though!”

“I can watch my language,” You responded, completely uncertain of your ability to not swear around young and impressionable minds.

“Oh yeah? Prove it,” Karkat challenged.

“How in the goddamn hell am I supposed to prove it?”

“Not swearing, for one.” Karkat rolled his eyes. “Let's set up a bet. It doesn't have to be money, but whoever swears first loses.”

“What do you want to bet?” You asked. Karkat shrugged.

“It could legit just be for bragging rights. What do you say, Strider? Last to swear gets bragging rights?” Karkat had a look in his eye that made your knees go weak, and you couldn't possibly bring yourself to say no to that.

“You're on. But first, we gotta figure out what the ground rules are.”

“Weren't you the one to complain about ground rules?”

“This is different. This has some fucking, goddamn stakes to it. We need to know what curse words we can actually use. Are we playing on easy mode, where things like heck and hell don't count? We playing on normal mode, where we can replace certain curse words with other words, like fudge instead of fuck? Or are we playing this game on hard mode, where we can't even say anything used as a swear word?”

“Let's go hard mode,” Karkat answered. “If you think you can handle it.”

Karkat quirked up an eyebrow, and you have no idea where all his confidence came from, but you were loving every moment of it.

“If you don't think I can handle it, then you must think of me as a coward.”

Hubris.

“Then we're on the same page.” Karkat held out his hand, and you shook it. “The game starts now.”

The both of you took a minute for an extremely awkward silence, neither of you really willing to talk in fear of your first word being a swear word.

Finally, it was you who spoke.

“Where do you want to go next in this mess?”

“We can go check out the statues,” Karkat suggested.

You knew what he was trying to do. You knew exactly what he was trying to do.

He was taking you to some goddamn naked-ass statues, which the both of you were going to discuss at some length without swearing at all.

“Yeah, sure, sounds like the best possible place to go.”

Again, hubris.

The two of you walked into the statue area, and there were dicks and nips out everywhere. You got some statues where people clearly had no idea whatsoever what boobs or vaginas looked like. You even had statues looking like they were ready to fuck.

Karkat looked like the smuggest bastard in the history of the world.

God, Rose would have a fucking field day. You were honestly surprised she wasn’t just right behind you holding a pen and clipboard, just analyzing every single word you said and giving a special focus to the amount of time you spent talking about dicks, even though you’ve been out as bisexual for years now.

Karkat walked over to the raunchiest looking statue that he could possibly find and looked over to you, looking even more mug than he did before, if that was even possible.

“Going straight to impossible mode, aren’t you,” You commented. “But, if you want to hear my commentary, I’ll go right on ahead.”

“I’m not stopping you.”

“Alright, dope. These two folks in the statue are looking like they’re ready to procreate, holding that apple in that way makes me feel like they’re about to do something with it, if you know what I mean. And that snake is going to join in. Actually, that snake’s also had so much weed. Just. So much. I’m honestly shocked at how raunchy this clearly religious imagery is. It’s like a piece about the hypocrisy of religion, probably,” You honestly can’t believe that you said that entire string of words without swearing even one time. You were kind of proud of yourself.

“Yes, this is clearly a statue with religious imagery. Glad to know you have a brain that isn’t solely focused on phallic imagery. In fact, I would even consider your analysis to be reasonable. The statue is almost certainly a critique with the ‘immoral’ behavior depicted along with symbols of God, giving its message through the juxtaposition of those elements.”

“What is this, a high school literature class?”

“Yes, Dave. This is absolutely a school full of almost adult wrigglers who are all ready and willing to hunker down to read a book that they are to analyze and discuss how the colors red and gold are used to symbolize and critique the wealthy,” Karkat paused for a moment. “Is there something wrong with thinking somewhat critically about the art around us? Can I not speak about prominent ideas expressed by a piece of artwork? Is it presumptuous of me to hold myself to a certain standard of behavior or intelligence? I can’t believe you, Dave Strider.”

“Dave Elizabeth Strider,” You interrupted. “If you’re going to scold me, at least give me the honor of insulting me with my full name.”

“Alright, Dave ‘Elizabeth’ Strider, if that even is your real name,” Karkat was close to laughing, indicating that everything he was saying was meant to be heard as a joke. “Have you no class? Do you just go through the world saying words and watching them turn to dust in the wind? Do you just say words and expect them to be understood? Do you even understand what you’re saying half the time? You even get off on my rants! You made a whole video about the one I sent you, and I highly resent the fact that it became a meme due to your own incompetence. I bet you’re even regretting not recording this rant that I’m saying right now.”

“You’re absolutely correct. It really do wish that I had this conversation recorded. Just do yet another video about it, and everyone would be freaking out about how my middle name is Elizabeth. They’d also be clamoring about how beautiful your voice is and how they finally have a voice to go with the rant you wrote.”

“...You think my voice is beautiful?” Karakat inquired, making you extremely aware of what you literally just said, and the fact that you have little to no filter to speak of.

“I mean, yeah, completely objectively speaking. You’ve got a nice voice, and I admire your ability to speak loudly and clearly, even if you can’t really control the volume all that well.”

You suffered in silence for a few moments.

“...Thank you.” Karkat was blushing slightly, and you were also probably doing the same, and your stomach decided that now was an absolutely fantastic time to do somersaults.

“So, uh, where do you want to go next? Or do you just want to wander around until we find something vaguely interesting?”

“Eh, I’m good with wandering.”

You and Karkat continue wandering around the art museum, stopping at certain artwork and discussing it without swearing at all. The competition was getting kind of intense. Both of you were wearing kind of thin, but both of you were also determined to win. Carefully monitoring your language was a challenge, but you managed to do it for quite the period of time.

“Fuck,” You couldn’t hold out. You lost. You accepted your defeat. You allowed the competition to lead to your untimely demise. Your death was marked by a swear word.

“Shit,” Karkat followed suit, but he did actually win the competition, and therefore the bragging rights to go with it.

Also, Terezi was trying to lick the paintings. Nepeta was doing a pretty good job of holding her back, but she wasn’t going to last much longer. Looks like she needs some knights to come help.

Not that you’re implying that you’re her knight in shining armor or anything. She just really needs some help to keep Terezi from getting lead poisoning. Although that might just be Terezi’s way of flirting. You weren’t really sure.

“Terezi! Stop licking the fucking paintings!” Karkat ordered.

“Yeah, Purrezi!” Nepeta agreed. “Purrlease don’t lick the pawtings. Mew’re going to get lead pawsoning if you do!”

“Didn’t we previously agree on you not licking the paintings like a fucking manic,” Oh look, you can swear freely now. “We don’t want to be banned from the museum because you want a better idea of what the thing looks like. Honestly, if you really want to know what colors the painting uses you can bring up a picture of a painting. Pictureception. Though I guess it might not be an actual picture. It will probably be a scanned version of the painting, which completely defeats the idea of it being pictureceptions although I don’t really know what you would call a scanned picture. Is there a specific name for it? I feel like there’s a specific word for it. God, who even cares about that. I guess it doesn’t really matter. Anyway, what was I talking about? Kind of wish I could just keep a record of everything I say so I can just go backup and find out what the entire reason I opened my mouth was.”

Meanwhile, Karkat had successfully diffused the situation. You had no idea how he did it because you were talking to yourself during the whole conflict.

Regardless, Terezi had been stopped from licking the art and was now licking her phone, which probably had a picture of the painting like you suggested at some point during your speech, not that you would remember when you actually said that. Or even if they actually got the idea from you.

“Thanks for helping out, Karkitty,” Nepeta said.

“Yeah, no problem. Don’t even think about repaying me,” Karkat responded.

Nepeta frowned but didn’t really say anything else.

Terezi and Nepeta left, leaving you and Karkat alone once again. You still had no idea what just happened other than Terezi almost getting kicked out.

“So, what just happened? You know, while I just talked to myself in the corner while you actually did something about the situation,” You clarified.

“I just got her to stop. She wasn’t actually going to lick the paintings-she was doing it mostly for the sake of causing a bit of chaos. Despite Terezi’s tendency to do things that are logical and orderly, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t enjoy making a scene from time to time.”

“Huh. Well, good job. Also, good job with winning our swearing game. Or, I guess, our not swearing game. Anyway, I humbly offer the bragging rights to you. Clearly, you are the champion of this battle. You have the most courage, the most bravery, and ultimately, the most discipline. I gladly entrust this award to you, Karkat Vantas of the Knight Table. Or, like, something that sounds way better than that. Karkat Vantas of something or other. God, I don’t think I actually know anything about the titles of knights or whatever during medieval times or whatever times knights were popular. Karkat Vantas of the Blood Oath. Shit, that sounds way cooler.”

“Wait, shit, I won? You were, like, legit keeping track of it?”

“I was. And, yes, you did win, as much as my pride loathes to admit it.”

Karkat kind of stood there dumbstruck for a moment before a wide grin spread across his face.

“Hell yes! Fuck yeah! I can’t believe I won, holy shit!”

While Karkat was celebrating his victory, something dawned on you. Why you felt warm when he smiled at you, why you flushed when he looked confident, why your stomach did a motherfucking pirouette off the handle whenever he brushed against you.

Okay, you were being hella dramatic, but still. Your point still stood. It made as much sense as it didn’t, but to be fair, Karkat had a lot of great qualities that made him a fantastic friend and possibly a fantastic something else, which you were now heavily considering and probably would have kept on considering had you not been interrupted from your thought process.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t Karkat who awoke you from your thoughts.

“Hey! Dave! Karkat! How is it going? Haven’t gotten lost yet, have you?” Roxy greeted, and she was without Rose or Kanaya.

“It’s going good, Roxy. Karkat over here just won a bet-don’t worry, we only betted bragging rights-and, yeah, we definitely got lost at some point, so now we’re just wandering around and hoping we’ll eventually find our way back.” You were only mostly joking. You didn’t really get lost, but you didn’t really know exactly where you were either, and you were mostly relying on Karkat for directions and knowing where you guys were.

“What were y’all betting about?” Roxy questioned.

“Who could refrain from swearing the longest,” Karkat answered, looking triumphant.

“That’s fuckin hard,” Roxy responded. “If that were me, I don’t think I could stop from swearing. Tbh, I’m awful around kids.”

“Big mood. Also, where’s Rose and Kanaya?” You asked. “Pretty sure you were hanging with them when we split up.”

“Oh, yeah, Kanaya had to leave early, remember? So Rosey offered to drive her where she needed to go, so I stayed here to let them flirt, you know?”

“Oh, yeah, I feel ya. They’re pretty gross with the amount they flirt. I’m pretty sure they were wagging their eyebrows the moment they met.”

“Oh, no, I think they’re adorable, but I wanted to let them have a bit of privacy, you know. Wonk.” Roxy said and winked at the same time she said wonk. “Anyway, I can just hang with you two now that I’ve found y’all.”

“Are you really sure that you want to spend time with the guy who only wants to talk about the dicks of all the statues?”

“I don’t only talk about dicks!” You protested. “I also talk about vaginas and nipples. It’s equality, Karkat.”

“Okay, Roxy, are you sure you want to spend time with the guy who only wants to talk about genitals and various naughty bits that are involved in sexual intercourse?”

“Davey doesn’t only talk about that stuff,” Roxy argued. “He also talks about hot people.”

“Goddamnit. I trusted you.” You said, holding your hand over your heart in feigned betrayal.

“You can still trust me. I was only jokin around,” Roxy responded. “I love you even though you’ve got probably the dirtiest mind of anyone I know.”

“That’s fair.”

The three of you wander around the museum, mostly in the abstract area where you first started because Roxy really loved that kind of artwork.

“I love the colors! It’s so bubbly and fun. Clearly, this is painting that knows how to have a good time. I would have a party with this painting,” Roxy gushed. “Without the alcohol, of course.”

“Makes me think of bubbles,” You added.

“I don’t think this painting is supposed to be nice,” Karkat interjected. “It’s called ‘Pain and Misery.’ But we can basically ignore that because art is what the consumer makes of it. So if we think it’s a happy painting, it’s a happy painting, regardless of what the painter wants us to think when we see the painting.”

“Hell yeah,” You agreed. “Art is what you make of it. If they wanted us to feel pain and misery when we looked at the painting, they shouldn't have used pastel colors. This, uh, Jeffrey Bloomer needs to learn some shit about color theory.”

That was the majority of the issue with these abstract paintings. Their names didn’t seem to correlate with the actual painting. But that was whatever, and it was fun to listen to Karkat rant about the juxtaposition between the painting and the name of the painting.

The three of you talked extensively about a few of the painting before realizing that it was about time you go to the meeting spot. Rose was already there by the time you reached the meeting spot.

“How was your excursion with Dave and Karkat, Roxy?” Rose questioned.

“It was totes amazinballs.” Roxy doubled finger-gunned toward Rose. “How was your alone time with Kanaya?”

“It was very nice. Thank you for allowing Kanaya and I a small amount of time to ourselves.”

“No probs.”

Nepeta and Terezi soon arrived at the meeting spot.

“Hey, losers,” Terezi greeted. “How was your time?”

“It was pleasant, thank you,” Rose answered. “What about you?”

“It was fun!” Nepeta answered. “Even if Purrezi joked about eating the paintings a concerning ameownt.”

“She almost did eat a painting,” You joked. “In fact, Karkat over here successfully stopped Terezi from licking a painting.”

“Sound adventurous,” Roxy said. “Tell me the deets.”

You proceeded to tell Roxy a completely over-exaggerated story, complete with dragons, fire, and traveling all the way to the constellation of Cassiopeia. Dinosaurs were reanimated at some point, but they made sure they went back to where they were supposed to be, which is to say dead and maybe having their bones chillin in a museum. Your story was completely and obviously absolutely fake, but it was very fun to embellish it to absurd proportions. But it also seemed like everyone else was appreciating your story, so that was nice.

“And where were you in all of this?” Roxy questioned.

“Oh, I was just standing there talking to myself,” You admitted. “I mostly wasn’t paying attention except for a small portion of the action.”

“Also, none of that actually happened,” Karkat corrected. “Except for Dave talking to himself. That’s the only true thing that he said.”

“My story was more interesting.”

“Duh, obviously, but it wasn’t really what happened, and it's not even a realistic embellishment! Why the flying fuck would I be fighting centaurs on Uranus?”

“Don’t know. Maybe you were getting kinky,” You suggested.

“I would laugh, but that joke is beneath me.”

“But it’s not beneath you to comment on it.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

“Thank you. I think I will,” You responded with absolutely no intention to go home and fuck yourself.

But you did, in fact, go home after everyone was dropped off. You left Rose’s car with Roxy.

“I’m gonna go take a nap, Roxy said and then proceeded to pass out on the guest bed. You weren’t nearly as tired, so you went to your computer to pester people. Or just one specific person.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering apocalypseArisen [AA] --

TG: ara i think i might have crush on someone

#homestuck #davekat #dave strider #karkat vantas #rose lalonde #kanaya maryam #rosemary #nepeta leijon #terezi pyrope #neprezi #roxy lalonde #equius zahhak #aradia megido #who the fuck writes a ten page rant?????#chapter 17

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paragonrobits · 7 years

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Choice In Family

Karkat, Terezi, and Dave have a thoughtful nature on the families you get stuck with and the families you chose. While drowning in grub-babies.

Also on Ao3 and FFnet~

“Y'know, it's weird how none of us really get to choose the way our families get us,” Terezi said, claws deftly working needles. She was pretty much skilled at anything she'd ever turned her paws to; a Pyrope trait, to excel at any task they felt obliged to try and they would always master it in record time. Only the Amporas took it to bigger extremes. Terezi, after much painstaking instruction from Rose, had gotten good at needlework.

Dave had to raise an eyebrow at that; barely noticeable under his shades, but she definitely knew. “Really, now,” he said with an affected lack of any tone at all that, despite his best efforts, accentuated the wariness. Any talks about family could go down very bad roads that neither he, nor Dirk or Hal, wished to be addressed these days. “That really that weird, Teez? Nobody really gets to pick your family.”

This got a gruff snort from the the floor. Terezi paused in her weaving of fabric to turn her head towards Karkat, laying down on the ground in a pile of grubs. Infant trolls, perhaps less than a few months old each, all almost the same age down to a few seconds from crawling out of the slurry. They mostly looked alike; similar patterns of horns – mostly not very long, fairly thin but strong – and came in several shades of the castes. A couple were the recently emerged shade of lime, and they looked the most like Karkat. A few were teal, at least two were bright cherry red, and some of the outlying oddities were shades that didn't match up to either one of them. Dave expected jades, olives or even violets to start cropping up. It was like every time he turned his back, new grubs were showing up and squeaking for attention.

“That's just goddamn bullshit, Strider,” Karkat said archly, doing his best to look dignified with multiple grubs crawling over his body like throw pillows made of wiggle, and failing miserably. One was curled up smugly against his chest, and another was hopefully biting his hair. What it was hoping for, it was anyone's guess. “You know it and I know it and Terezi knows it, this damn little child right here on my head knows it and she doesn't know anything. Besides she should know hair is not edible in the slightest, you stop that you bad baby!” The grub yawned in disinterest, curling up into a ball and rolling against his side. “'You can't choose your family', don't be dense. We sure as hell did, didn't we?”

A thoughtful pause filled the room.

“Suppose we did,” Terezi said, a bit cheered up by the thought. “But... I dunno. Dumb thought, I guess. I just thought it was weird that with both our species, with all the differences in how we raise babies and educate them and live our lives, we still have that in common. Not much choice with who you get stuck with.”

“...Yeah. It sucks,” Dave said, very cautiously. “Like, a metric shit-ton. That was a real measurement on Earth. Totally was. I am not bullshitting you here, I can almost definitely promise you, we came up with that one to calculate how much tonnage could be taken up when an elephant just squatted down on innocent bands of wandering accountants and were just being complete bastards about it so they-”

Karkat's noise wrinkled. “Knock it off, jackass, you'll spoil the kids taste for swearing!”

“Eh,” Terezi said. “We could do with a bit less fuckin' cursing in this household, ya hear me?” She paused to sniff at her needlework. It was a grub-shaped bundle of cloth, suitable to hold a grub like a little sweater, complete with straps to tie around an adult troll's body, and stretchy enough to accommodate them as the grubs matured until they reached pupation age. It might also make a good bag for some bread.

Bit of a shame that Terezi's taste in fabric still resembled a zebra made out of plaid and neon lighting that had been fed into an anvil factory, backwards. Dave recoiled in horror from the bright colors.

“I like it,” Karkat said loyally. “It's pretty.”

Terezi smirked, smugly.

“Okay,” Dave said, getting back on track. “But I think I get what Terezi was talking about. Human kids were adopted or born into existing families. Troll kids got culled by their... their loogies.”

“Lusii, you insensitive jackass!” Karkat hollered. Some of the grubs hissed supportively. One of them yawned in Dave's general direction.

“He's doing that on purpose, Kar, don't feed the small squishy's thirst for aggravation,” Terezi said, doing more knitting.

“Yeah, those things,” Dave said, unbothered. “Either way, you get saddled with caretakers that may or may not... uh.” He paused, and it was a very delicate pause. Like one of those old fancy, expensive egg-things on old Earth, but this could crack at any moment, and give birth to crawling horrors he did not wish to see again.

Terezi's arm, seemingly moving on automatic, reached out and grasped his forearm reassuringly. She was so much bigger than him, the swell of her hip alone towering over him even while she was sitting and he was standing up, that her palm engulfed his entire arm. Yet her cool touch was reassuring; Dave visibly calmed down. He breathed in, out, and she gave him another gentle squeeze.

“May not be right to be around a kid,” Terezi said gently, picking up the thread in his head. It was the sort of thread that was probably on fire and burning to the touch.

“Yeah,” Dave said mournfully. “Like that.” He stared at the ground, resolving to go forward, and plunged through with it. “Hell, look at Vriska. Her mom was... messed up. And Gamzee's goat-dad thing was barely ever round, way Karkat tells it.” Karkat nodded, gazing with concern at Dave and gauging if he was Okay. And Feferi basically had to run a whole gamut with Eridan to keep her mom from waking up and ending the world... before she actually did, I mean. Lot of stress to put on a kid.”

Terezi shrugged. “That's the way it was on Alternia. A lot of coldbloods had to do more caretaking than their lusii were able to give in return. And warmblood lusii had... other issues, a lot.” She said this in the calm way of someone who, in her youth, had thought about this a lot and plotted to dismantle the entire system that demanded it be like this. “I've been looking into Beforus. Their culling system; they still had lusii, but they also had some trolls that cared for wigglers. Bit like your and Kanaya's ancestors, Karkat.”

Karkat considered this; the idea of a troll caring for wigglers was a revolutionary one but getting more commonplace. “You mean like the way they were on Alternia... or the ones we actually met?”

There was another pause. “That sounds potentially, uh, super squicky,” Dave said, sticking his tongue out. “Like... her being in that kind of a caretaker relationship while they're both hate-flirting with each other 24/7? That's... that's messed up, man.”

Karkat and Terezi looked at each other and shrugged. They did not question this, even if they didn't really understand Dave's problems; some things just did not translate well. “The point,” Terezi said firmly, carefully edging away from the subject. “Is that what we're planning here... I dunno. Might work better than just turning kids loose with lusii and leaving them to fend for themselves.” She didn't need to emphasize that Alternia was a profoundly unnatural state of being, a world of perpetual warfare and misery orchestrated to make their specific generation strong enough to win SGRUB. Strength, in her opinion, was overrated. If you wanted to see trolls as they really were, without jackass cherubs and their puppet minions constantly bringing out the very worst of them and making that the standard for social behavior and government models... you needed to examine Beforus. That was trolls as they would have been.

“Yeah, I'm just gonna pretend I know what you're getting at, nod a lot and accept the life you've laid out for us,” Karkat said, laying back on the ground and lifting a grub with a grumpiness that Terezi grinned at, knowing full well that this was Vantas cheerfulness.

“You do that, Kar,” she said, mouth wide and toothy.

“If it becomes common place, you could end up with the same... uh, issues on Earth,” Dave said warily.

“See? That's why you're here,” Terezi said. “Telling me about these things so I know what to avoid when I draft the legal stuff for it.”

Dave contemplated the possibility that Bro had wound up being the man he was for just that exact purpose, to make Dave the kind of guy who would be wary of potentially destructive guardians, and he thought he was better off not thinking about that. Terezi winced at this thought, and Dave quickly changed the subject. “I, uh...” he looked at the grubs, and got some inspiration, as well as a legitimate question.

It was blatantly obvious whose grubs they were, or at least the primary donors of the slurry that produced them. Karkat and Terezi were doing their very best to add numbers to overall troll population, and do their part in repopulating their species. Dave privately suspected that they were trying to set some sort of record; outdo whoever the troll equivalent of Genghis Khan or whoever would have had a huge amount of direct descendants. “I thought you needed the Mother Grub or whatever to get troll babies,” he said. “These guys, I know damn well they didn't come from that spawning pool. Where the heck have they been coming from?”

Terezi coughed, looking embarrassed or caught in the act of some culturally damning act of Things Man Was Not Meant To Do. Karkat looked carefully at the ceiling, not looking at Dave. “We, um.” Terezi coughed again, and focused on the knitting. “We found a way. Took a lot of work. A lot of work.”

“That's an innuendo, isn't it.”

“Not in front of the kids,” Terezi said mildly.

#homestuck #karezi #terezi pyrope #karkat vantas #dave strider #my writing #fics

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love-laika · 6 years

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homestuck reread: act 5

sso , as a follow up to this post (jesus christ did i really write that over two weeks ago?), i figured i ought to post my thoughts while rereading act 5 of homestuck. obviously spoilers if you still care about that at this point

when most fans talk about homestuck today, they’re really talking about act 5. its when some of the more infamous aspects (trolls, absurd time shenanigans, ridiculously meta storytelling) come in full force. i also happen to believe it’s probably the best part of the whole story (well so far, i still have to reread act 6). before jumping in, pretty much all of my previous complaints remain.

The trolls are great. That’s really all there is to say on the matter! Seeing how their session plays out is really fun, especially since unlike the kids, it is aggressively abridged. It’s so short, I’m actually curious why Hussie chose to have it be an Intermission rather than Act 5 Act 1... or well, actually given the events leading to Cascade, that might not be true. It’s a nice meta way of signifying how the A and B sessions are intimately tied.

Either way, I thought it’d be fun to examine how I feel about each troll!

Karkat - Everyone’s favorite, really. His ridiculous screaming rants and obsession with feeling important brushes over his intense insecurity. The obsession with hiding his blood (even after Alternia is long gone), insistence on being leader, past/future self-hatred... he’s got a hell of a complex. actually, the story shines a light on how he agonizes over every mistake he’s ever made, to the point where he dissociates his actions from himself by calling past/future him a FUCKING IDIOT or whatever. He’s a good boy

Aradia - On my previous read, I never thought much of Aradia. there wasn’t really anything in particular i disliked about her, she just never stuck. which of course is dumb, and past me is stupid for glossing over her. especially after going god-tier, she’s like... i can’t even really describe it. i guess is just safe to say i like alive aradia a lot because she’s just a little bit crazy

tavros - maybe its my bias towards vriska, but i kind of don’t like tavros. you know, maybe its some sort of reflection of how i feel about myself or something about how his coward schtick is annoying to me. (his raps are fun to read aloud though)

sollux - sollux is a complete asshole (basically to the end if i remember right), but even if he’s written to be unlikeable his position as a snarky jerk fits well within the troll group. though, surprisingly after his introduction he doesn’t do very much because he never interacts with the kids. his bifurcation gimmick though, and how its basically some absurd foreshadowing for act 5 as a whole is just. its so cool.

nepeta - nepeta has always been a favorite troll of mine even though she was basically born to die and plays no real role in the alpha timeline at all. despite this, fans like myself latched onto her because she’s a catgirl duh! the anime is inescapable. nepeta’s just cute bu her death scene makes me really sad... she didn’t deserve it! and being taken out by gamzee is just cruel. i guess this is what fanfiction is for???

kanaya - you know im starting to think my thoughts on all the various trolls were warped by the Vriska Distortion Field. I didn’t give a shit about the rest because vriska is the best!!!!!!!! this time around, i really noticed vriska and kanaya’s relationship sort of blossom all the way through act 5. its kind of touching after she had a pretty rough time in her own game after the Pupa Pan incident. kanaya’s great especially her transitioning from humorless broad to snark extraordinaire. i especially like to read her speech as just the most posh and practiced british accent Because It Makes Her Sound Sophisticated When Shes Saying Really Something Dumb Like Shout Pole

terezi - terezi’s gimmick is just so... so much. the obsession with justice and law (particlarly brutal troll law) makes her just totally silly. she hangs her stuffed animals from her treehouse. the blindness, the licking, H3Y D4V3-ness is a joy to read. it also helps that her harpsichord-led music is some of the best over the entire discography.

vriska - you know how i feel about vriska. you cannot beat her in a troll-off she is simply the 8est there is

equius - i don’t like equius! hes a creep! his gimmick is that hes a sweaty space racist! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! i really don’t understand people that get attahed to him! i wish nepeta got to spend more time separate from him!

gamzee - ah yes the most important character in homestuck. i like gamzee, but

i dont like his position with fans as the fuckin yaoiest boy to ever live when hes actually a horrorcore clown murderer

how long he remains in the story. way longer than he ever should have stayed. i understand he has to do stuff for lord english and all that, but i kind of wished he died on the meteor. oh well!

eridan - ah yes the other space racist. eridan i can actually stand though because he’s basically every shitty boy you’ve ever met. he’s totally desperate and pathetic and then when he gets rejected he gets violent. for such a silly comic, i think it stumbles into something weirdly real there. eridan’s a douche until the very end. i also give him like chavviest voice i can muster. it is a blight on the queens english and i apologize

feferi - i really noticed that feferi is a little bit deeper than i originally thought! i always just thought of her as “the nice girl” but she can be pretty devious and even cruel occasioanlly. She has an interaction with Vriska in what of the Alterniabound flashes is just so... prickly? on both sides.

ANYWAYS when we get back to the kids, I’ll admit I don’t remember a lot of the details. john goes to explore skaia and spends a lot fot ime with vriska. dave builds up a ridiculous amount of money, rose fucks shit up, and jade eventually gets to start breeding frogs after fianlly entering the game. i can’t exactly explain why, but the pacing here just feels better. maybe its variey of environments and general avoidance of pointless distractions, but its a much easier read than the earlier parts. i mean, i guess id hope so after the comic has gone on for 3 years at this point i think. Act 5, in totality is about the same length as all the previous parts combined, but goes by way faster! it kind of sucks that you know, you have to dig through a lot to get to the good parts. but man those parts are really good.

ad then we get to the buidlup to cascade, the parts in doc scratch’s room. I feel like some of the realest shit is right here. vriska’s triumph/death just kills me every time. i kind of take john’s side here on her past. at the very end, when she really starts to show remorse and to wonder who vriska really is breaks my heart. terezi’s end as well. the culmination of their friendship and rivalry coming down to a single choice. kill her, or let her go and doom everyone. its sad in a way very little else is in the story (except maybe dave and rose’s suicide mission). even knowing what happens much later, it just... its so rough yall.

i remember crying reading most of these parts. i have very specific memories of it happening. i wish it was easier to show new people some of these parts because they are just ugh... so choice. im a sucker for it. also there’s the sotry of the troll ancestors, her imperious condescension, lord english, etc etc etc.

i dont have much to say about cascade, a lot has already been said by everyone else. it is almost certainly the climax, even if the story has a ways to go, and its a triumph! It almost feels like it should be the end of the story in some ways because of how it is the culmination of everything that has happened since the very beginning.

thats all i can really say about that without getting bogged down in minutiae. Act 5 is fantastic, period. Now that Lord English is here (or rather, he already was), a new arc begins in Act 6. It’s approximately around here where I caught with the story as it was coming out! I’m really really curious about how I feel about when reading it in one go because it’s also around this time that updates got slower and slower, due to increased production time, then the exceptionally troubled development of Hiveswap.

#homestuck #ll redoes hs

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clonerightsagenda · 6 years

Text

We were joking about this again last night and I didn’t want to work on research was bored so here’s a relatively unpolished thing of the Game Over kids coming up with a (in hindsight) blindingly obvious solution to their problem. I remain stupefied by this apparent oversight.

Starring Nepeta, because she’s earned it.

After what you've been through, the silence of the dream bubbles is comforting. You sit still and hug your knees. It's nice to be just you, in your own skin, with nothing else in the way.

"I'm going to be sick," says the human you were imprisoned with, and he is. Nothing comes up.

You can't blame him. It had been suffocating, and he'd been throwing a fit for most of it. You'd kept quiet, but not because you didn't care. You didn't see the point of screaming when it didn't help. Instead you waited, watched, and at the right moment finally struggled just hard enough that the entity that you'd become hesitated as the Furthest Ring cracked apart and the growing void sucked you in. At least your ghosts woke up here, instead of being trapped in the singularity forever.

Wherever you are now, the black hole hasn't eaten it. The darkness is still illuminated by glittering cracks, but the surface beneath you is whole. There's no sign of Lord English, or the army. Is anyone nearby?

You didn't need to learn much about Heart during your session. Your existing combat skills were enough. Once you'd been out here for a while, you started to think it was about souls. About who people are, deep down. Maybe that's why you can handle a place where you're stripped down to your Self with a thousand others vying for the title. Maybe that's why you're recovering faster from being crushed beneath some other consciousness and buried under an aggregate of other lives. You know who you are. You're the Rogue of Heart, and here, you are useful.

There's a cluster of bright sparks in your inner vision. Souls, glowing with the dim luminescence of the dreaming dead. Part of you would love some solitude, but you also want to interact with people as yourself, to hear people call you by your name. It'll help you settle more firmly back into your skin.

"I feel some spirits not far away," you say. "I think they're friends." Dave doesn't look at you at first. Maybe you should just leave, but you feel some level of loyalty after what you've been through. "Want to come?"

It takes him a few tries to stand, but he does.

You see Karkat and Kanaya with a cluster of the humans. You shouldn't know all their names, but the entity that possessed you rifled through the memories of all Nepetas everywhen, picking whatever scraps it felt like plastering onto itself in an off-key impression. The remnants had been left scattered through your thinkpan, and so you vaguely remember being a sprite in their session. Terezi is there too, sitting next to Vriska. They're leaning into each other's shoulders. Equius isn’t there. He must still be mixed with that AI who does most of the talking. You don’t see Gamzee either, for which you are grateful.

When you approach, Jade grabs Dave by the shirt and starts asking questions about her brother that you know from your time together he can't answer. Kanaya approaches you a little more slowly. "Nepeta," she says. "It's good to see you again. I wish we were meeting under better circumstances."

"Yeah." You tuck a strand of hair behind your ears, a nervous habit you fall back on sometimes during conversation. It’s been a while since you’ve seen these people. They’re older than you now. "It's not so bad for me, but I thought you guys might win. I'm sorry you didn’t."

"Have you seen Rose out there?" she asks.

You remember Rose, the human who'd been nice enough to let you talk to her cat-lusus. It would've been hard to miss her, considering her brother screaming "That's my sister, leave her alone, don't touch her" what felt like right into your auditory sponge. "She was like us," you say. "Made into a sprite, and then prototyped too many times. So... she's still alive. Sort of.”

"She's trapped," says Dave, smoothing out the front of his shirt. He looks relieved to be able to change the subject. "And she must be pissed as hell. It's like some Lovecraftian nightmare with a sugar high sets up shop in your brain to make a mockery of everything you hold dear. Thank god none of you saw us, I'd never live it down. Figuratively."

"Then we have to get her out," Kanaya says firmly.

"Hey, I'd be right behind you," Dirk says. The others have drifted over to listen in. It’s not like there’s much else to do – this part of the bubbles doesn’t have much in the way of scenery. "I could yank her soul out and everything; that's a thing I can do. Problem is, our mobility is limited due to us all being fucking dead."

Jake scratches his head. "Ghosts can come back. That Aranea did."

"The ring," Vriska says, looking up from whatever quiet communion she and Terezi had been locked in. "She stole the ring of life from John somehow."

"That piece of shit?" Dave exchanges a look with Jade. "Did you know about that?"

"I didn't know it was magic," she says. "I just thought it was something he'd found somewhere. He didn't like to talk about it." She frowns. "He didn't talk to me a lot that last year."

"Well, there's only one of those," Karkat snaps. "So that's not very useful, unless we want to elect an ambassador to the world of the living or draw up a schedule."

"Roxy might be able to make more..." Jade says slowly. "Where is she, anyway?"

You shrug. You would have looked for her, you like Roxy, but you didn't see much of the new session, and you don't have many memories of what went wrong in the old one.

"She's alive," Terezi says. "Her and John. I saw them before I died. They were going to fix things."

The other Dave, the one that traveled on the meteor, looks around at the shattered dreamscape, the crowd of ghosts. "Not to criticize, but things don't look fixed."

"They're setting things right in a new timeline," she explains. "We're stuck here as rejects from the old one."

"A new timeline," Kanaya repeats. "Going how far back?"

"Our problems really kicked in as soon as your crew arrived," Jake says. "Although I suppose we could have dealt with things if only that troll hadn't gotten her mitts on the ring. That's the crucial moment that truly sealed our fates. As long as you stop that, I’m sure we could manage."

Terezi shakes her head. "Think further. I told them to save Vriska."

Even Vriska looks confused by that. Karkat is the first to speak. "You undid whole sweeps of our lives? Why the fuck would you do that?"

Terezi spreads her hands out. "Look, maybe it wasn't the most rational decision in hindsight, but it's not like you've never made calls based on some sort of emotional impulse."

"And look how that turned out." He shakes his head. "We should've talked to you about that guilt complex earlier so you didn't change the entire universe just to try to deal with it."

"Yeah," meteor-Dave deadpans. "If you'd sat backwards on a chair earlier this could've all been avoided."

"Shut the fuck up," he says without real rancor. "Well, good luck to those poor bastards."

"I'm right here," Vriska says.

"I notice you haven't actually disagreed."

"No.” She shakes her head, and her long braids – unraveling at the end – shudder. “I met the new me. She's a bitch."

"Good. We're all on the same page here. I'm almost glad I'm dead."

"You know..." you say.

Terezi glances at you and then away again to continue their squabble. They've never taken you seriously because you were the silly shy girl, who spent her time having fun and playing games while the others made important decisions. But you have memories of time spent with a Life player, and you'd know that color scheme anywhere. "You know," you say again, louder. "I don't think you need a ring to come back to life."

"What do you mean?" That's Dirk. He might not know you well, but he looks desperate enough to look anywhere for input.

"Well...." You shrug. "You've got a Life player right there."

The Life player in question stares at you for a moment and then down at the symbol on her chest, like she’s checking to make sure it’s still there. "You mean...?"

"That can't work, can it?" Jake asks. "It would be too easy."

"Feferi helped us once," Karkat says. "A dead one from a doomed timeline. Her powers still worked. I don't know why I didn't remember sooner."

Jane looks down at her hands. "With a body, I know I could do it. But with a ghost... I don’t know. I guess I could try."

"Just a moment," Kanaya interrupts. "I wasn't convinced by your threats earlier that Life abilities could harm the undead, but if that principle does hold, you might hurt us instead of helping."

"I volunteer," Dirk says immediately.

Jane sighs. "Dirk, really."

"I'm serious. I glitched myself into fucking pixels and I'm still here. I'm indestructible. Do your worst."

"Well in that case…” It takes Jane a moment to catch up with herself. “Wait. You did what? Are you saying the way you got here... you did it to yourself?"

Before Dirk can respond, Terezi interjects. "Save that for later. As the Seer here, I say you give it your best shot. It's a good idea."

"We're not through talking about this," Jane growls. Then she points a blue-laced hand at Dirk and gives it her best shot.

"Well?" Kanaya asks after a moment. "Did it work?"

Dirk looks himself up and down. "I don't feel any different."

"We can't see through your shades, Strider," Jake says.

Dirk hesitates (whether out of reluctance or for theatrical effect you’re not sure) and then pushes the pointy glasses on his face up. You get a good look, as does everybody else. Orange. Humans have such strange eye colors.

"It worked," Jane breathes. “Isn't that something. Gather round, everyone. I'll fix us right up." She turns, looks at Karkat, and then her face changes. "Oh. Oh no."

"What?" Jade follows her gaze and then puts a hand to her mouth. "Ohhhh."

"What?" Karkat's voice rises. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I can only do this once," Jane says. "Once per person. And I've already done you."

"What are you talking about?" Terezi asks. "Karkat, are you telling me you got yourself killed that quickly? And I missed it?"

"Don't blame me!" He points at Jane, who takes a step back. "Blame her. Jade too, it was her idea. Crocker here was just the willing hand with the fork.”

"The two of them decided to demonstrate Jane's abilities," Kanaya explains. "They were following the Empress's orders at the time."

"That's right," Jade says quickly. "I was bad then. And." She bites her lip. "And I was angry."

"So we can't hold that against them, right?" Jake says, with a smile that looks unnaturally stiff. "Let bygones be bygones, right Jane? After all, I've already forgotten that little interaction in the jail cell. In fact, forget I mentioned it!"

"What did Jane do?" Dirk asks. Jane groans and covers her eyes. "What the hell are you all talking about?"

"That's what I want to know," meteor-Dave adds. "Jade, you killed someone because "you were mad"? What the fuck happened to you in the last three years?"

"What happened to you, defending the aliens?" Dave snaps back. "Since when are they really on our side? No offense," he adds, glancing over at you. "You seem ok, I guess."

You roll your eyes. "I appreciate it, human scum."

Meteor-Dave has ignored this aside. "I know you were off bleeding instead of being useful during our game, but they are on our side, you outdated fucking museum specimen."

"The tiara top," you hear Jane saying to no one in particular. "I was going to apologize and explain, we just didn't have time-"

"Will all of you shut up?" Karkat demands. "I'm a little more preoccupied with the pressing matter of my mortality than whatever hangups you've got with each other. You can all pile into the confession booth later if that'll make you happy."

"But Karkat," Terezi says, "it's like watching one of your memos in real life."

"Will you ever let the memos go?"

"Like I said," Vriska interrupts, "there's the ring."

You took a step back when she spoke - your last memories of her aren't great. But this one seems milder, though maybe that's the dreambubbles nipping at the edges of her soul, like they do to everyone eventually.

"That's right," Terezi says. "The ring. The Empress killed Aranea, I saw that much. So it might be up for grabs again. It likes to vanish and reappear."

"But where?" Dirk asks. "Do you think it would be near her ghost?"

Jake balls his hands up. "Are you saying we could go beat up that spider troll's ghost? Because I am ALL for a rematch. Don't bring me back yet, Jane. That way if she tries to kill me again she won't be able to."

"I could find her, maybe," Terezi says. "This place is made of memories, so if I follow her mind... With the ring so smashed up, there aren’t that many places to hide."

"How do we tell she's the right one?" Jade asks. She’s latched onto this new subject eagerly, probably to escape the last one. "We can't just jump on every version of this troll, can we?"

"I can tell," you say. You have a knack for that out here. You can strike up a conversation with one Tavros and later pick him out of a crowd of twenty, even if his outfit is different. Once you know a little bit about how the person has changed, they don't wear their face the same. This Aranea - what she did will show.

“Sounds like a plan,” Dirk says. “I like it."

"You'll have to sit this one out," Jane says. "You're mortal again, and I can only save you once. Perils of being the guinea pig, I'm afraid. And I am officially team leader. I think it's time I actually lived up to that. Metaphorically, if I must."

He scowls but doesn't argue.

Jade turns to Terezi. "You said there's a new timeline, right? Does that mean there’s a new group of all of us?"

"That's right. It's up to that set to win now."

"I doubt they'd like us crashing the party," Dirk says. "God knows I have enough problems fighting myself, and it looks like that's a family trait."

"Can't do it no matter what," says Dave. "The Furthest Ring is neutral territory, but once we're in the same Skaia-supervised universe, doomed double rules apply. We'll get picked off."

"Great, more complications." Karkat throws up his hands. "Then where do we go, even if we do come back?"

"It's a big multiverse," Kanaya says. "There must be somewhere."

"There must be somewhere," Jake agrees. "I'm not going to sit here in the dark for eternity because some troll got a bee in her bonnet about how our story was supposed to go. I was never that concerned about winning the game on its terms anyway, as long as we made it out ok. I don't even know what the victory state is supposed to be."

"Then it's agreed," Jane says. "We find Aranea, get that ring, I bring us all back, and we go somewhere. Somewhere better."

"And we find Rose," Kanaya adds.

"Definitely," says meteor-Dave. "We can call up John and Rose's mom too, see if they want to hang out with us losers or stick with the winning team. Maybe we can get shared custody."

“If we see other people…” You almost trail off, but they’re looking at you, so you complete the thought. “Maybe we should let them come too, if they want. It seems fair.”

Jane nods. “I’m willing to try. The one time rule might not count for different versions of the same person.”

"Can I come?" Vriska asks. You’re surprised she was polite enough to ask. She really has changed.

Terezi links arms with her. "Wouldn't have it any other way, sister."

"Hold on," Karkat says. "I’m still technically leader of the Alternian band of chucklefucks, which means I get to make that kind of decision. You're not going to try another megalomaniacal plot as soon as our backs are turned, are you? If I recall correctly, you got killed for a reason.”

She juts her chin forward, a bit of her old vigor returning to her voice. "I'm not like that anymore.”

"I guess we can keep an eye on you if you’re lying."

Terezi pinches the bridge of her nose with her free hand. "Karkat, do you think you could be a little bit less of a dick if you really tried?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm a little on edge. I've been murdered."

"We've all been murdered," Kanaya says. "Or most of us, at least. Just establishing that for the record."

"And it sucks.”

"I don't blame him for not trusting me," Vriska says quietly, which shuts even Karkat up. You look her over. You don't know what she's been doing since you saw her last, but the person behind the face is different now. It makes you think of a drawing in that smudgy, formless state when you’re still working out the details. On its way to being something, but not there yet, tenuous enough that a stray line would ruin the entire picture. It’s the point where you have to make a decision about what the final product ought to be.

"Well," Terezi says at last. "That's settled, then. We'll get some vengeance, and then we'll figure out what to do next. How's that for a plan?"

"It's actually three quarters of a plan, because some leetspeaking weirdo wrote a four instead of an A, but otherwise it sounds good," says meteor-Dave. She sticks her tongue out at him.

Jane nods and uncaptchalogues an enormous fork. That’s right – she is an heiress, technically, and she handles the official weapon with ease. "It sounds good to me too. Let's go win this game on our terms."

#homestuck//#kat writes fic #bluh bluh huge bitching alert #i guess #AU #also I guess #you can't actually prove this didn't happen

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