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a-second-hand-sorrow · 5 years

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Hey Romeo (Richie Tozier X Reader)

WC: 2181

Warnings: language, kinda sexual thoughts/comments, alcohol

Summary: Every time Richie went to tell Y/N how he felt he just couldn’t do it, but maybe things might change.

A/N: I hope y’all like this one, bc it is Cute. Also sorry if it’s a bit shit in parts, I wrote it on an airplane while being Very sleep deprived.

“Richard you are meant to be on in fifteen minutes, what are you doing?” Y/N asked, clutching a clipboard in one hand with the other on her hip. Y/N and Richie had been friends since college, and she now worked very closely with him, essentially acting as his manager.

“I’m just feeling a little out of it right now, Y/N. Got some stuff on my mind, you know.” Richie said, and Y/N sighed, briefly checking her watch before sitting down next to Richie, giving him a sincere smile.

“Rich, I’ve known you for like fifteen years. You know you can tell me anything, right?” Y/N said, and Richie nodded, taking in a deep breath.

“So what’s on your mind, and please don’t bullshit me. You know I can see through you like glass.” Y/N said, gently resting a hand on his knee as a means of reassuring and calming him. Unfortunately for Richie, it had the opposite effect.

See, the thing that was on Richie’s mind was the intense feelings he had for the woman sitting next to him. His best friend of fifteen years, roommate of ten and the woman who currently had her very soft, very warm hand on his knee. He wished he would stop feeling like a fucking schoolboy who got flustered if his crush so much as looked at him, but the feeling of Y/N’a hand on his knee was really speeding up his heart rate.

“It’s uh, it’s nothing much. Just nerves and stuff.” Richie said, and Y/N gave him a look that screamed ‘I call bullshit’ but she simply sighed, rubbing her thumb along his jean-clad knee.

“You’re going to knock them dead, Richie. Trust me.” Y/N said kindly, her warm eyes almost turning Richie’s insides to mush.

“You know I do, Y/N/N. Thank you.” He said, trying to keep his voice as even as he could manage. Y/N stood up, and Richie nearly let out an audible whine at the loss of warmth and contact.

“Any time Tozier, now go get em, tiger.” Y/N said, patting his back as he walked past her to the door. As soon as his hand touched the doorknob, he felt a wave of courage and he turned around, taking in another deep breath.

“Hey Y/N?” He said, and the girl let out a hum of acknowledgement as she turned to face him. Every bone in Richie’s body was screaming ‘JUST TELL HER!’ and he was about to, his mouth open to tell her how he felt but he was cut off by Y/N swearing loudly, looking at her watch before moving like a whirlwind, shoving Richie out of the dressing room towards the stage.

“Whatever it is you wanted to tell me, it can wait until after the show Rich. Go out there and kill it, ok?” Y/N said, smiling as Richie nodded eagerly, adjusting his glasses slightly.

“Break a leg Richie.” Y/N said before turning and walking away, and Richie couldn’t help but curse himself for making his last thought before going on stage be how good Y/N’s ass looked in that skirt she was wearing.

—————————

“Fuck Richie, can you help me with the groceries? My arms are just about to fall off.” Y/N called, bumping the front door open with her hip because of how full her arms were with bags of groceries.

Richie jumped up from his spot on the couch, immediately rushing past Y/N and out to her car. He grabbed as many bags as he could muster and barrelled back into the apartment, nearly spilling everything when he put the bags down.

“Ok, I think that’s everything. Hell yeah! Well done team.” Y/N said, high fiving Richie who spontaneously burst into laughter.

“Why are you laughing? What the fuck did I do?” Y/N said, pulling an iced tea out of the fridge and taking a sip as Richie pulled himself together.

“Well done team? You sound like a soccer mom after her stupid kid’s soccer game. You don’t say ‘well done team’ in response to anything unless you’re a soccer mom or a middle-aged white dad.” Richie said, wiping tears away from his eyes as Y/N huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I do not sound like a soccer mom, you asshole! That was very rude and very mean of you.” Y/N said indignantly, like an annoyed toddler on the verge of throwing a tantrum.

“Now you sound like a pissed off little kid. This is just too good.” Richie said, and his heart felt a little bit fuller at the sight of an annoyed Y/N. She always got pouty when she was annoyed, and he thought it was adorable.

“I’m gonna strangle you.” Y/N muttered, causing Richie to let out another laugh as he straightened up slightly.

“I’d like to see you and your itty bitty legs try, Y/L/N. I doubt you could reach even on your tip toes.” Richie taunted, crossing his arms as he watched Y/N’s eyes narrow.

“Oh it’s on, Tozier.” Y/N said under her breath before suddenly running at Richie and jumping. Richie panicked, his hands instantly going to her waist as her legs wrapped around his waist.

“How’s this for not being able to reach, tall ass?” Y/N said, laughing maniacally at the incredibly confused look on Richie’s face.

In truth, the look on Richie’s face was part confusion, part panic at the fact that Y/N was so close to him and god did her legs feel good wrapped around his waist. He had to stop his thoughts from wandering too much due to their close proximity. He couldn’t make it any more awkward than it needed to be.

“Why?” Richie said, his eyes wide and his voice higher than usual, and Y/N just giggled.

“Firstly, I wanted to prove to you that I could, in fact, reach your neck and secondly, I wanted to see the look on your face when I threw myself at you. So it was a victory for me on both fronts.” Y/N said, a smug grin on her face.

They both took in a deep breath, and suddenly the playful energy of before had melted into something a little more tense. Richie swallowed, trying not to stare too much at Y/N’s face that was so very close to his own.

“Look Y/N, there’s something I need to tell you.” Richie said, and he could feel his heart start to beat ridiculously quickly. He really hoped that Y/N couldn’t hear or feel it.

“Fire away Richie.” Y/N said, and it seemed that by looking so deeply into Y/N’s eyes Richie was suddenly filled with panic and anxiety.

“Oh um, it’s just that I need to start writing stuff for the new tour so would you be able to put the groceries away?” Richie said, hating himself as soon as those words left his mouth.

Y/N looked confused but she nodded, dropping away from Richie’s body and out of his hold. “Sure, Rich.” She said, furrowing her eyebrows slightly but obliging his request.

Richie walked away feeling incredibly stupid, having wasted another opportunity to tell Y/N about how he felt.

That’s nil to Tozier, two to all consuming anxiety and panic. Great.

——————————

“I really think we need to celebrate! The end of your very successful tour is a momentous occasion.” Y/N said, kicking off her heels as her and Richie entered the apartment.

“Sure. One glass of champagne couldn’t hurt. Pour up, my dear.” Richie said, causing a cheer to erupt from Y/N’s lips as she pulled out two glasses and opened the champagne, much to Richie’s delight.

The promised one glass of champagne turned into closer to four or five, and soon Y/N and Richie were dancing around the kitchen like maniacs, shouting the lyrics to Another One Bites The Dust with no style or class.

“We should really get drunk together more often. It’s so fun!” Y/N said, giggling at Richie’s enthusiastic nod.

“I love it! I haven’t felt this loose in forever. I don’t think I’ve listened to Queen in ages but here we are.” He said, throwing his arms up in the air in a gesture that showed how relaxed he was, apparently.

The giggle subsided slightly as the song changed from the upbeat Queen song to a slower Elton John number. Richie was pretty sure it was Your Song, one of Y/N’s favourites. He looked over to see Y/N smiling widely, swaying to herself and mumbling the lyrics under her breath.

Richie took a seat on the stool near the breakfast bar, trying his hardest to ignore the butterflies that were filling his stomach. He had since given up on trying to tell Y/N how he felt, because not only did he chicken out every time, he was 90 per cent sure she didn’t feel the same way.

However, all of his heart strings were being tugged by the sight of Y/N dancing in their shared kitchen, and suddenly Richie was pulled from his thoughts by Y/N calling his name.

“Richie, dance with me. Please?” She said, making grabby hands towards him with puppy dog eyes and Richie groaned, carefully getting off the stool and walking over to Y/N, who now looked very pleased with herself.

She gave him a dopey smile which Richie mirrored as his hands slowly made their way around her waist. Y/N rested her head against his chest, placing her hand on his upper back around his shoulders. She grasped at the fabric of his shirt, balling it up in her firsts as they swayed.

Y/N murmured something into Richie’s chest, and he pulled a confused face, knowing that she said something but not what she said. “What was that Y/N?” He asked, and she pulled away from his chest to look up at him with an emotion on her face that could only be described as adoration.

“I love you Richie. I know I’m drunk and you’re drunk but I don’t give a shit. I love you so much and I just really wanted to tell you so, yeah. There it is.” Y/N said, gaining more confidence as she spoke.

Richie’s eyes widened at Y/N’s words, looking at her dumbfounded once she had stopped speaking. He would struggle to process this sober, let alone drunk, but slowly things fell into place and Richie’s face lit up in an electric smile.

“Wait, so you’re saying you love me? Like romantically, like you’d want to be my girlfriend?” Richie said excitedly, smiling like a madman as Y/N nodded.

“Yeah idiot, that’s what it means when someone says they love you. I wanna date you and kiss you and shit.” Y/N said, causing Richie to let out an almost girlish giggle.

“You wanna kiss me?” Richie said and Y/N nodded enthusiastically, burying her head in the crook of Richie’s neck bashfully.

“Then what are you waiting for Y/L/N? Kiss me.” Richie said, placing a finger under Y/N’s chin and lifting her head so they were making direct eye contact. Y/N gave Richie a loving smile before leaning up and closing the gap between them.

Maybe it was the alcohol and maybe it was just how long they’d both waited for it, but the kiss was incredible. Y/N noted that Richie tasted like champagne and something else that she couldn’t quite place, and neither of them wanted to pull away. Richie was almost in heaven, and he was convinced that Y/N was made for him, because her body fit perfectly against his and so did her lips.

When they did pull away Richie’s eyes were still closed, and Y/N giggled as she looked at his blissed-out face. “Hey Romeo, you can open your eyes now.” Y/N said, and Richie instantly opened his eyes, sending Y/N an apologetic smile.

“Can we go to bed? I’m so tired and I just wanna sleep. I did, after all, conclude a very successful stand up tour tonight.” Richie said, an almost whiny quality to his voice as he spoke, running his hands up and down Y/N’a arms.

“On one condition: I get the left side of the bed.” Y/N said and Richie chuckled, nodding his head as he took Y/N’a hand and walked to his bedroom. Y/N shed her dress and immediately moved to Richie’s wardrobe, pulling out an old t-shirt that was huge on her. Richie simply took off his shirt and jeans, leaving him in his boxers.

“Hey.” Y/N said once she was in bed, facing Richie.

“Hi.” He replied, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. Y/N rolled over onto her side, and Richie followed suit by wrapping his arms around her waist, pressing his chest into her back.

“I love you Richie, can’t say it enough.” Y/N said, and Richie pressed a soft kiss to her neck in response.

“I love you too Y/N. Goodnight.” Richie whispered, his breath raising the hairs on Y/N’s neck in the best way.

As they drifted off to sleep, Y/N felt more comfortable than she ever had, and she decided that maybe she belonged in Richie’s arms.

#it #it 2019 #it chapter two #richie tozier #richie tozier x reader #richie tozier imagine #bill hader

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vagarius · 7 years

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For the fanfiction questions thing: 1, 3, 8, 10, 16, 18, 22, 27, 31, 36, 40, 44, 46, 48, 50 and 51~

!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!!!???!!!!!!!!!

okay now the actual words:

1. What was the first fandom you got involved in?

[also answered here]

Percy Jackson/Heroes of Olympus. It still sneaks up and slaps me in the face sometimes. Though I hated the ending of the last book but let’s not go there

3. What is the best fandom you’ve ever been involved in?

I mean??? I love the Boueibu fandom, because I feel like I know everyone (even if I don’t know everyone) and it’s nice seeing other people’s fandom things and being like ah, yes, you’re the one who - . And then people recognize you’re own fandom things and you’re just like????? But the fandom also isn’t is-anyone-even-home small *cough* starmyu *cough*.

So yeah I really like the Boueibu fandom kudos to you.

(Also a shout out to the Haikyuu!! fandom for their love of rarepairs. Or maybe that’s just me and who I happen to follow, lol.)

8. How did you get involved in your latest fandom?

What even is… my latest fandom??? The latest fandom I’m actually active in is Boueibu. I actually started watching Boueibu right after watching Hamatora because it was around the time everyone was comparing Kinshirou and Art, so that was like, half of what was making up the Hamatora tag. Then I watched the PV and went hiroshi kamiya and whoa look at that I’m on episode five already where did the time go? (Not even because I’m particularly fond of Hiroshi Kamiya (though I am), but because I’m always oddly proud of myself when I recognize voice actors? Idk why.) I got really into the actual fandom after reading some Enkin fics and also falling in love with the Student Council. The first fic I wrote for the fandom was actually for an exchange.

My latest fandom in general is Mystic Messenger. I’d been seeing stuff pop up for it for a while and then it showed up in my recommended apps on Google Play and I just?? What the hell, why not. Let’s do this. And here I am (though I’ve only finished Yoosung’s route so far ;;;; )

10. Is there a fandom you read fic from but don’t write in?

Yes, very much yes. I’ve read fic for so many fandoms but have only gotten around to writing for 4 of them (5 if you include PJO but I haven’t written for it since I’ve been on AO3). The ones I can think of now are Daiya No A, Joker Game, All for the Game (book series), Kuroko no Basuke, Prince of Stride, Ao no Exorcist, Oofuri, Tsuritama…

16. Are their any popular ships in your fandom which you dislike?

From Haikyuu, I’m not the biggest fan of KuroKen and Kenhina (is Kenhina popular? I don’t even know at this point). And… Asanoya, I guess? It’s not that I necessarily dislike these three as much as I’m just meh about them.

There aren’t any ships that I’ve come across that I actually dislike from Boueibu, and the ones I’m meh about aren’t really popular anyway? So.

And Rintori from Free!. Idk why it just never clicked with me??

18. What ship have you written the most about?

Tsukkikage (hq!!), apparently, though I mostly write about platonic relationships, it seems like.

22. Is there anything you regret writing?

[also answered here]

If I posted it, I don’t regret writing it. I might not necessarily like some of my old writing, but I don’t regret it. However, there are some things I’ve written down or typed out and immediately deleted because hell no this will not see the light of day not on my watch why did I even think to put those words together what was I -

27. What do you hate more: Coming up with titles or writing summaries?

[also answered here]

Coming up with titles. I love writing cute little (or heartbreaking) summaries, but titles? No thanks. It’s like I’m pulling words out of a jar, except the jar is locked, poisonous, and on fire. (Though I usually end up liking my titles, anyway.)

31. What’s the nicest thing someone has ever said about your writing?

[also answered here]

Literally anytime?? Someone comments?? I get really jittery and excited because wow someone wanted to say something about what I wrote??

While the last ask has my favorite comment, I’m going to compile some of the nicest things people have said about my writing just because it makes me happy and I can:

“goddd your writing is so beautiful i’m so jealous” - nardaviel

“and your writing is amazing, it does a beautiful job of evoking the quiet that theyre both having to deal with. i think the present tense is part of the effect because it makes it seem less like a recounting of events (which by necessity is an act of communication, and this whole thing is about an inability to communicate) and more like we’re experiencing these things alongside atsushi. but i think there’s more going on than just the choice of tense.. maybe part of it has something to do with all the parentheticals at the ends of scenes…? they seem like quiet little asides, thoughts that don’t make it out into the main narrative the same way thoughts aren’t making it out of atsushi’s head 3 tbh i don’t really know, i’m just thinking aloud because i’m trying to learn from your talent a;ljsd” - @nardaviel

“Your style is so pretty as always, I loved the descriptions and how you portrayed the characters’ thoughts and perceptions of the world around.” - you, actually

“I know that I’m gonna read this many times over in the future…. I need a moment.” - Rudxinna

“Kudos to you for keeping everyone so nicely in character, for fleshing them out so well as they age, and for showing just enough of each scene.” - chromyrose

“I loved this. I cried and laughed while reading it.” - Pechat

“You really have a gift for zeroing on these quiet significant moments.” - odoridango

“How is everything you write so amazing and perfect??” - odoridango [Honestly everything odoridango has ever commented makes my heart soar]

[I am currently basking in happiness. Thank you for giving me the excuse.]

36. What’s your favourite genre to write?

[also answered here]

Slice of Life, assuming that counts. I love the atmosphere.

40. What do you struggle the most with in your writing?

everything Plot, in general. Trying to connect everything into a coherent storyline. I find it easy with vignettes when you can get away with connecting them with subtleties or repeating lines, but having one event leading into the next without awkward breaks is a struggle. (Which is probably why I mostly stick with oneshots.) I also struggle with writing the beginning. I usually start in the middle of the fic, which will sometimes end up being the beginning anyway, orz.

44. What ship do you feel needs more attention?

[also answered here]

Just. All the platonic ships. All of them. I love platonic ships so much???? Give me all the friendship I will take it gladly.

From Boueibu, the third year OT4, as well as Kinatsuen and AkoIoRyuu (though I don’t actually ship the latter that much.) I feel like people really like them but there still isn’t that much content for them? though the only romantic ship i’ve really written is enatsu so i shouldn’t be talking

For Haikyuu!!, I’m especially fond of TsukkiKage and KuroKage, so. Also Yachi ships. They are adorable.

For Free!, I still miss reiharu, orz. I should write more for them. Other people should write more for them. More reiharu for the soul. Also Gou/Haru friendship??? It just occurred to me now but more Gou/Haru friendship would be amazing.

46. If someone was to read one of your fanfics, which fic would you recommend to them and why?

Hmmmm, I’d probably recommend an endless start of april, which is a KuniKage fic from hq summer hols. I really like the atmosphere, and how I formatted the fic. I also managed to stuff karasuno first year friendship in there. But mostly, I had a lot of fun writing it, and I think it shows. I’m overall really proud of it. (I’m also still really fond of fairy lights, lol).

48. Do you leave reviews when you read fanfiction? Why/Why not?

I try my best to leave reviews, especially when the fic made me really happy and/or really emotional. A comment can make my day, so I try to leave as many as possible. (Though I am guilty of not following through on this). I try my best to be detailed, but most of the time they end up just being really incoherent, orz.

50. How did you get into reading and/or writing fanfiction?

I think it started when I stumbled across a Lazel (PJO/HoO) fic over google search?? Then I read all the obligatory high school and harry potter AUs for PJO and then the tear jerkers and I was totally hooked?? And of course the first thing I wrote was for a rarepair, lol. After that I really wanted more platonic Jasico content, as well as a Nico-centric AU, so they were some of the first things I wrote about.

When I started really really wanting to write fanfiction, though, was after reading the fic Catch a Falling Star (free fandom come cry with me). It kinda became my fic writer’s dream to write a long one-shot like that (still kind of is, and is probably why I fell in love with long one-shots in the first place), and the imaginary friends concept has always stuck with me. That fic inspired me a lot, along with a few others. I’m still stumbling across fics where I go I want to write something like that, but that was definitely the start of it.

And here I am now, lol.

51. Rant or Gush about one thing you love or hate in the world of fanfiction! Go!

[also answered here]

For the other “also answered” ones, I wrote something new(ish, in some cases), but I’m gonna copy paste this one bc I’m not sure what else I want to gush about:

I hate fanfiction’s reputation????? A lot???? Like I’ve seen/read my fair share of horrible fanfiction (have more than likely written some) and, yeah, some of it’s just pointless fluff or smut or the like but???? There’s also some really really really meaningful stuff out there??? And even those that don’t have some life-changing meaning mean a lot regardless - there are fanfics that have lifted my spirits and honest to goodness probably saved me, ones that have made me laugh so ridiculously hard I’ve woken someone up and ones that have made me cry at 3 AM wondering how something this beautiful graced my eyes??? Like???? It might not interest you but give it a chance, or at least keep any trash to yourself (unless it’s like, legitimate trash, but. That’s a very fine line you’re walking. A very fine line.)

And because I don’t want to end on a hateful note:

I love the little communities fanfiction builds???? Especially in smaller fandoms, or in rarepair fandoms (for lack of a better word). I love talking to other writers when I can and seeing how proud they are and getting little comments and I just?? Fanfiction communities are actually great.

And once more for good measure: !?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!!!???!!!!!!!!! thank you!!!!!

Fanfiction Questions

#mystofthestars #answered #i looked this isnt actually the tag i use #bc i didnt use one #ernb its me

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theroadfromustome · 5 years

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Mile 62

Well, this last mile has been a full one. Which is another way of saying that yet again, I’ve neglected posting for too long (a month maybe?). It feel like the weather has gotten warmer and everything has amped up. Buckle in, bc this is going to be a big spew, a catharsis of lots of things I don’t feel like I can say to anyone else; though of course I have been yakking to everyone about some of this.

First, the ugly: Going another round with H��s mother. I’ve realized how much of my years with H were spent managing her extremely fragile emotions. It’s exhausting. This time she outright told me that I didn’t respect her--of course if she respected me then she wouldn’t jump to the worst conclusion about my motives for my actions regarding MY child. It just infuriates me so much--and she totally defies all reason and logic and manages to make me feel like an inconsiderate, irresponsible jerk for not being omniscient or ordaining the universe. Another realization: she has always and will always treat me like an incompetent child and I am fucking DONE with it! I need her to move away. Not that it will end this shit, but it will hopefully make it less frequent and less potent. I now understand why my [current] sisters in law keep her at arm’s length.

Also, regarding H: he’s so guarded everytime he’s around me. He’s like a big black cloud of tension and I feel like he brings shadows whenever I have to see him even briefly. What a reversal. Can it only be three months since I moved out? Poor thing, I gather he’s going through a rough patch right now, and possibly at slight odds with his dear mama as well. I do wish he would answer my legitimate inquiries about schedule though. I wish we had a better flow of comm, but he acts like I have a disease that will be communicated through the keyboard. So far things are passing between me and my mom and him. Which I know is not the adult way but like...if you won’t talk to me like a calm adult? He and his mom seem to be casting me as the enemy--but even combatants have parleys under a flag of truce. We have to resolve this sometime, but I’m perfectly willing to avoid it until he heals a bit more and is less dangerous to my peace of mind.

Ugh, just writing that out made me tense. On to the good!

The good: I’ve lost 17 lbs since January when I started this diet with my mom. I feel great this week too, bc I’m able to be more active with this nice weather. I also feel more productive at work, so all things are good. This all may be due to the next big event in my life detailed below momentarily; but I will say this: as the earth comes out of ice and is reborn to spring, so I feel reborn. This past week I have danced, grinned, sung, reconnected with musical theatre, etc. (and before that wrote!) in a way I haven’t in months. Some of this is due to this event--but I realize that before I get there I need to fill in one other item...

I went to visit an old friend from college, whom we will call S. This friend has been crazy about me since probably our second week of freshman astronomy, and it’s one of those where I’ve tried to make it work before and it just...won’t. This friend has stuck by me through all of this shit, and knows all of my flaws more intimately than almost anyone. He’s a complete vessel--a listener who won’t judge and who cherishes me no matter what. Which I know I take advantage of. Other than my mother, he’s the most unconditional relationship I have. If only he had his shit together and wasn’t illogically conservative. (We do NOT talk politics.) Also a bit sexist and racist--not that he’d ever act on them. For the sake of this bond we have I choose to ignore/avoid all that, but this is one of the reasons we just can’t make a relationship. But that doesn’t mean my visit was strictly platonic. I flatter myself that I contributed to his well-being in significant ways, but I definitely selfishly reveled in the experience of being cherished, and of the fierce, wonderful trust we share. I could cry just thinking about it--I can be so honest with him, about my ups and downs. And best of all: we are equals. Peers, partners, equals!!! I have never had that with a man. No matter the relationship. I find it sublime and somewhat irresistible. Even though I know it’s so unfair to him; bc we both know it can’t last forever. Anyway, that whole things has been good for me. Probably also bad in other ways. But it has reawakened a part of myself I thought gone forever, and that part is stronger than I ever remember it being. Trust and complete comfort are heady heady things.

So from that we proceed to...drum roll...

I actually went on a date Saturday night. This is what I’ve been driving all my friends crazy about, and I hate myself for being such a spaz. They’re all darlings, but really, I need to get over myself. Which is why I’m going to try to exercise as much as possible here.

So yeah, one of my coworkers has a brother. A brother who it turns out--came to visit our workplace months ago and was checking me out. Who then asked *repeatedly* to be introduced to me. Who, after I met him last month friended me on fb and then messaged me out of the blue about 2 weeks ago. Now, this man is brilliant (he’s a scientist--sexy and ridiculously intimidating at the same time), sophisticated, independent adult with a well-paying full time job and actual talent; he’s so freaking charming and good-hearted, he’s witty and considerate and he swing dances (swoon--if I dance with him my ovaries may never recover); not to mention my coworker is thrilled at the prospect. He’s also 5 years older than I am--I wasn’t exactly looking for age gap, but... Anyway, I’m still getting my brain to process the fact that he actually wants to spend time with me. Because his whole family is immortal--brilliantly talented, beautiful etc. And then there's me mere mortal with my messy-ass family. And all my baggage. And the fact that I’m trying desperately to crawl out of diapers and grow into a legit adult. I’m gonna throw some thoughts out below in no order or reason:

So the age gap: I was hoping to avoid it. After the good experiences of equality with S, who is only months older than I, I am wary of falling into the naive child role again. I am determined to be am equal adult, and yet already I feel myself pulled to alter my behavior--I can be so silly with S, and I feel like Charming here would think me immature--when around this guy. Also, he’s into scifi and have only moderate xp there, also he hikes and camps--the idea of hiking with him actually sounds utterly lovely (talk about day-dreaming), camping... But I mean I’m willing to try--I’m just so wary of losing myself again. Of putting his needs above mine and doing whatever I can to keep him from rejecting/punishing me. It’s so frustrating yet again how easily my bad habits kick in like clockwork.

Speaking of my neurosis: I am WAY too invested in this. Super fixated. Some might say I’m obsessing. Which I suppose has always been my way with boys. But you’d hope I’d behave differently at 31 than I did when I was 12, 14, 15. So first I was mooning and daydreaming about him while grinning like a complete dope and humming songs (like, full out cliche) Sunday and Monday, and then I was stupid and was overtly flirty (like dude back off AB, you had *one* date) on Monday evening and he just--wham--dropped communications. I’ve heard nothing from him since, and I’m using all powers of mind control I possess and prayer (sorry God) to will him to just message me for like 5 minutes so I know he still likes me, that I didn’t freak him out by behaving like a silly girl. I so want to do this like an adult, but apparently I am incapable. If this doesn’t happen, like fi we don’t work out, then fine. But I’ll be crushed if it’s bc of my inherent flaw of childishness. And what if it is inherent? What if I cannot actually function in an adult relationship?

That’s another thing--I am so putting the cart before the horse. Like we met, we chatted twice, and then we spend 5 hours eating Thai food and walking all over his neighborhood. He should not be and *is* not the center of my universe. I’d like to think I wouldn’t be behaving this stupidly if he hadn’t kissed me. I’d like to think I could be cool and removed and totally ok with the fact that he seems to be compartmentalizing the amount of time he spends with me (his job is hell, apparently; another red flag, but he’s so charming....) if he hadn’t kissed me. So I wasn’t sure how to gauge it--were we just two adults enjoying each other’s company? I know he thinks I am cute--but physical attraction doesn’t mean he actually likes me. I mean, I think he was flirting with me--the body language was promising, I’m fairly certain he was nervous at the beginning (but it’s a date who wouldn’t be?), and he like, touched me arm and such you know the way you do when you’re just broaching physical contact. And then when I left I went to hug him and...it was not a platonic hug. It was brief but...there was...heat...a tiny little simmer. And then, there was a second hug, and he briefly, subtly, turned into my neck and placed a quick little kiss there. It was chaste as hell, a bit uncertain I think, but it changed everything. I mean I dunno maybe it was just quarter to midnight and goodwill talking. Maybe he’s just affectionate and that was his way of saying “Thanks for a good time.” Maybe it all goes back to the sex and it’s purely physical? I just--I have such a hard time thinking he actually sees anything in me bc I’m so--uninteresting--I’m not ambitious or successful, I’m insecure as fuck, I have plenty o’ baggage, I’m not cosmopolitan or well-read or witty. All I have is the loyalty and affection of a--child. I gather it’s been some time since he’s been taken care of, and of course that appeals to me, taking care of him, but maybe he likes being self-sufficient? He certainly is. And again!!!! It’s too soon for me to be thinking this way. But I just do this. What is my problem??? I keep thinking once he gets to know me he’s going to bail. And at this point that would hurt more bc it would mean my weaknesses had caused me to fail again than bc I’m madly in love with him, but still. The more I invest the worse it will be when this whole thing crashes. But I can’t not give it a try--even if I see eminent disaster on the other side. I keep hoping my instincts will be proven false.

On a lighter note: I am ridiculously physically attracted to him. Like--keep daydreaming about kissing him...and other things...

I just--why am I so fixated on this? Why is he the only thing I can think about? I have a life! I can’t just be marking time until I see him again. GET A GRIP, AB! I keep singing “He is not thinking of me” to myself. Bc I guarantee he is going about his business as usual--like a fucking adult--and taking Saturday night for what it was: a pleasant evening.

Nonsequitur: If he doesn’t message me in the next few days I may implode.

Also, I just wish for some clarity. It’s like dating Jane Bennett. No clue if he’s just being nice or....?

Why is my professional performance so tied to whether or no a man is interested in me? What the hell is that about?!!!

I will say this--it’s nice to feel romance again. I feel like me again. The bitter gone-by feeling I had at my cousin’s wedding is banished, replaced by all the hope and cheer of spring and things beginning. Also, showtunes again! Singing again! I could go into “Bewitched, bothered and bewildered” but that song is too cynical. Instead, I’ll end with the line that was running through my head all day Monday:

“I don’t know why I can’t think of anything I would rather do than be wasting my time on mountains with you.”

And now, off to church!

#more rmabling soon probably

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