#i wrote this back in august so a long time ago and am now reposting it for april fools | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

default-cube · 3 years

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So I've never actually seen /u/ryans01 excellent post re-posted here on tumblr, and I think it could help a lot of people, so I'll repost it below. Link to the original

Ouch. Sounds like you're having a tough time max. That sucks. I've been there, so I kinda know what you're talking about. I've been in the ever circling vortex of self doubt, frustration, and loathing. It's no bueno. I know. If you don't mind lemme tell you a couple things. You can read em if you want, read em again later if you feel like it. But honestly man, if I spend all this time typing this out to you and you don't let it be a little tinder for your fire, well, you're just letting us both down. And you don't HAVE to do that. You don't HAVE to do anything. But you get to choose.

(Who am I? My name’s Ryan and I live in Canada. Just moved to a new city for a dream job that I got because of the rules below. I owe a lot of my success to people much cooler, kinder, more loving and greater than me. When I get the chance to maybe let a little bit of help out, it’s a way of thanking them. )

Rule numero uno - There are no more zero days. What's a zero day? A zero day is when you don't do a single fucking thing towards whatever dream or goal or want or whatever that you got going on. No more zeros. I'm not saying you gotta bust an essay out everyday, that's not the point. The point I'm trying to make is that you have to make yourself, promise yourself, that the new SYSTEM you live in is a NON-ZERO system. Didnt' do anything all fucking day and it's 11:58 PM? Write one sentence. One pushup. Read one page of that chapter. One. Because one is non zero. You feel me? When you're in the super vortex of being bummed your pattern of behaviour is keeping the vortex goin, that's what you're used to. Turning into productivity ultimate master of the universe doesn't happen from the vortex. It happens from a massive string of CONSISTENT NON ZEROS. That's rule number one. Do not forget.

La deuxieme regle - yeah i learnt french. its a canadian thing. please excuse the lack of accent graves, but lemme get into rule number 2. BE GRATEFUL TO THE 3 YOU'S. Uh what? 3 me's? That sounds like mumbo jumbo bullshit. News flash, there are three you's homeslice. There's the past you, the present you, and the future you. If you wanna love someone and have someone love you back, you gotta learn to love yourself, and the 3 you's are the key. Be GRATEFUL to the past you for the positive things you've done. And do favours for the future you like you would for your best bro. Feeling like shit today? Stop a second, think of a good decision you made yesterday. Salad and tuna instead of Big Mac? THANK YOU YOUNGER ME. Was yesterday a nonzero day because you wrote 200 words (hey, that's all you could muster)? THANK YOU YOUNGER ME. Saved up some coin over time to buy that sweet thing you wanted? THANK YOU. Second part of the 3 me's is you gotta do your future self a favour, just like you would for your best fucking friend (no best friend? you do now. You got 2. It's future and past you). Tired as hell and can't get off reddit/videogames/interwebs? fuck you present self, this one's for future me, i'm gonna rock out p90x Ab Ripper X for 17 minutes. I'm doing this one for future me. Alarm clock goes off and bed is too comfy? fuck you present self, this one's for my best friend, the future me. I'm up and going for a 5 km run (or 25 meter run, it's gotta be non zero). MAKE SURE YOU THANK YOUR OLD SELF for rocking out at the end of every.single.thing. that makes your life better. The cycle of doing something for someone else (future you) and thanking someone for the good in your life (past you) is key to building gratitude and productivity. Do not doubt me. Over time you should spread the gratitude to others who help you on your path.

Rule number 3- don't worry i'm gonna too long didnt' read this bad boy at the bottom (get a pencil and piece of paper to write it down. seriously. you physically need to scratch marks on paper) FORGIVE YOURSELF. I mean it. Maybe you got all the know-how, money, ability, strength and talent to do whatever is you wanna do. But lets say you still didn't do it. Now you're giving yourself shit for not doing what you need to, to be who you want to. Heads up champion, being dissapointed in yourself causes you to be less productive. Tried your best to have a nonzero day yesterday and it failed? so what. I forgive you previous self. I forgive you. But today? Today is a nonzero masterpiece to the best of my ability for future self. This one's for you future homes. Forgiveness man, use it. I forgive you. Say it out loud.

Last rule. Rule number 4, is the easiest and its three words. exercise and books. that's it. Pretty standard advice but when you exercise daily you actually get smarter. when you exercise you get high from endorphins (thanks body). when you exercise you clear your mind. when you exercise you are doing your future self a huge favour. Exercise is a leg on a three legged stool. Feel me? As for books, almost every fucking thing we've all ever thought of, or felt, or gone through, or wanted, or wanted to know how to do, or whatever, has been figured out by someone else. Get some books max. Post to reddit about not caring about yourself? Good first step! (nonzero day, thanks younger me for typing it out) You know what else you could do? Read 7 habits of highly successful people. Read "emotional intelligence". Read "From good to great". Read “thinking fast and slow”. Read books that will help you understand. Read the bodyweight fitness reddit and incorporate it into your workouts. (how's them pullups coming?) Reading is the fucking warp whistle from Super Mario 3. It gets you to the next level that much faster.

That’s about it man. There’s so much more when it comes to how to turn nonzero days into hugely nonzero days, but that’s not your mission right now. Your mission is nonzero and forgiveness and favours. You got 36 essays due in 24 minutes and its impossible to pull off? Your past self let you down big time, but hey… I forgive you. Do as much as you can in those 24 minutes and then move on.

I hope I helped a little bit max. I could write about this forever, but I promised myself I would go do a 15 minute run while listening to A. Skillz Beats Working Vol. 3. Gotta jet. One last piece of advice though. Regardless of whether or not reading this for the first time helps make your day better, if you wake up tomorrow, and you can’t remember the 4 rules I just laid out, please, please. Read this again.

Have an awesome fucking day ☺

tldr; 1. Nonzero days as much as you can. 2. The three you’s, gratitude and favours. 3. Forgiveness 4. Exercise and books (which is a sneaky way of saying self improvement, both physical, emotional and mental)

Edit: Wow reddit gold? Thanks! No idea what to do with it or whats the deal but many thanks!

Edit2: Someone asked what I meant by "much more when it comes to how to turn nonzero days into hugely nonzero days". The long and short of it is a simple truth, but it's tough to TOTALLY UNDERSTAND AND PRACTICE. It's this: you become what you think. This doesnt mean if I think of a tree, I'll be oakin' it by august. It means that the WAY you think, the THINGS you think of, and the IDEAS YOU HOLD IN YOUR MIND defines the sum total that is you. You procrastinate all the time and got fear and worry goin on for something? You are becoming a procrastinator. You keep thinking about how much you want to run that 5 k race in the spring and finish a champion? Are ya keeping it in mind all the time? Is it something that is defining your ACTIONS and influencing you DECISIONS? If it is, then you're becoming the champion you're dreaming about. Dreaming about it makes it. Think and it shall be. But do not forget that action is thought's son. Thoughts without actions are nothing. Have faith in whatever it is you've steeled your mind to. Have faith and follow through with action.

Ok, Ryan that's a bunch of nice words n shit, but how does that help me turn slightly nonzero days into hugely nonzero days. Do you believe all these words you just read? Does it makes sense to you that you BECOME WHAT YOU THINK OF? Ask yourself: What do I think of? When you get home and walk in the door. (how quickly did you turn that laptop on? Did turning it on make you closer to your dreams? What would?) At the bus stop. Lunch break. What direction are you focusing your intentions on? If you're like I was a few years ago, the answer was either No direction, or whatever caught my eye at the moment. But no stress, forgive yourself. You know the truth now. And knowing the truth means you can watch your habits, read books on how you think and act, and finally start changing your behaviour. Heres an example: Feeling like bunk cause you had zero days or barely nonzero days? THINK ABOUT WHAT YOURE DOING. and change just a little bit more. in whatever positive direction you are choosing to go.

Edit3: WHOA! This blew up! Major appreciation to Modified_Duck for making this cool ass image: http://i.imgur.com/7xsp7hJ.png

Edit4: Another AMAZING DESKTOP BACKGROUND! http://www.reddit.com/r/GetMotivated/comments/1rowpb/i_made_a_wallpaper_from_uryans01s_amazing_quote/

#tips #adhd tips #adhd-tips #depression tips #mental health #neurodivergent #neurodiverse #nd #depression #autism #autistic

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02m1lk · 6 years

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180821 Beijing News Interview

2nd of august 2018, cai xukun’s 20th birthday, it was the day his ‘first child’ - first EP 《1》was ‘born’.

At 5am, he suddenly woke up and hurriedly asked the staff how much longer till his new song would be released at 10am? He then quickly got up, and confirmed it’s been 8 hours since he’s been on weibo to promote the news and discussed the details of the press conference.

That afternoon, in a certain industrial park area within beijing, cai xukun’s press conference officially started with the screams of his fans.

Yet the originally expected ‘fan-interaction’ and game segments did not appear. In that one hour, cai xukun’s every word never left (the topic of) his works. From playing his MV, to his DJ show, the whole time he only talked about one topic - ‘music’.

“I hope what everyone remembers is my music, that is the best gift I can requite everyone with.”

Someone once described cai xukun’s speed of rising in popularity to be higher than china’s ‘high-speed rail’. A year go, his career was still in a ‘blank period’, he was still a half-popular artist who could only let his stress out by doing music; a year later <Idol Producer> shot to fame, quickly making him the representation of the phrase ‘new generation flow’. each weibo post of his easily surpasses millions of reposts, and when the news of his new song was announced, that weibo post speedily broke over a billion reposts.

*new generation flow (?) - sorry i’m not very sure how to translate this, but it generally means the popularity rate/flow of a celebrity in the industry.

But on the flip-side of shooting to fame, are the eyes locked on cai xukun with hostility. Behind the doubts of him ‘not being as impressive as he looks’ are more and more people groundlessly defaming him.

When we met cai xukun, he was different from the public’s opinion of the boy that is sometimes cute, sometime sexy, gradually revealing the maturity and open-mindedness he holds beyond others his age. He says, from the very start, he just wanted to be a singer, music will always be the best weapon against gossips and rumours.

Cai xukun isn’t bothered by the public’s discussions, another reason is that - he throws almost his all into his packed schedule; group album, fan meeting tour… On the afternoon of the interview, he took only a few simple mouthfuls of food before quickly returning to his work mode.

Yet even so, during the afternoon break, the sound of music was still heard coming from cai xukun’s room from time to time. A soft humming and a light cough, proved that the person in the room had no thoughts of allowing him to get a moment of rest.

Though clearly the most concerned about his music and works, but when cai xukun was informed of the many records《1》had broke, the childlike smile only lasted on his face for a second. “I have to repress myself, and let my mind calm down. If I’m too impetuous, I won’t be able to make music down to earth(ly). I want to do even better.”

Stood on stage for the first time at 12 Returned seeking for the stage at 16

“I’d started preparing for EP 《1》after debuting, the reason why I’m only releasing it now is because I hope to take a slower pace, and perfect every detail.” After debuting from <IPD>, many people once doubted cai xukun for only having popularity and no works. Towards the pressure of these discussions, cai xukun smiled and replied with that.

As we know, every song in this EP - from its composition, production to the filming and editing of the MV was personally participated in by cai xukun. Even the filming angle of the scenes, and MV plot had him personally flying to korea and staying up to re-design and edit.

“Worrying over so much, don’t you get tired?” We were curious.

Cai xukun didn’t hesitate a second, “It’s okay. As I’m doing something I like, so I really enjoy every moment.”

Cai xukun seemed to have discovered his interest earlier than others his age.

Cai xukun’s grandpa knew how to play over 10 types of instruments, he’d been influenced since he was young, naturally moving his limbs when he hears music. After starting to attend school, cai xukun was once the student council president, an active member of the school’s literary activities. Speaking under the flag, being the host of parties, he was always taking the lead. “I’d started to unearth my hobbies (interests) then.”

Cai xukun grew up with a democratic family, supporting everything the child likes, and that cultivated cai xukun into someone with his own thoughts (opinions).

He first performed on stage at 12. Back then cai xukun didn’t actually know what music was, but the feeling of being free on stage, made him discover, that he’d already fallen hopelessly in love with singing and dancing, and that he wanted to keep doing it “I’ve been a pretty stubborn person since I was young, I persevere on the things I like.”

Therefore after going to high school in america, cai xukun learned about the pop music over there, and slowly came into contact with composing. The first time he wrote a song, he only wrote a short section of rap, even if it were only a few sentences, but he sang it repeatedly it for a long time.

He progressed to writing sections of lyrics, then tried to hum a melody, then slowly pieced them together to form a song. “A process like this felt really good! From then I discovered myself liking music more and more, I couldn’t help but to be immersed in it.”

In 2015, the 16 year old cai xukun decided to pause his education in america, and returned to take part in <Super Idol>. He said, he didn’t think too much, he only knew there was a stage (back in china). And the him back then, really needed a stage.

In that year of stillness He made peace with the world by writing songs

The cai xukun that controls the stage well now, and the cai xukun from <Super Idol> 3 years ago, are two completely different people.

Back then he was filled with shyness and nervousness. In that period of puberty (change in voice) he sang <Fate>, he eyes only looking straight, not even knowing where the camera was.

The cai xukun then didn’t talk much, only training under the programme’s arranged classes, practicing repeatedly in front of the mirror. He wasn’t the most eye-catching one on stage, everyone’s impression of him was just ‘cute’. “I have very high expectations for myself, I chase after perfection. When I am certain of how I should become (/achieve), I’ll want to do everything I can to change myself.” Cai xukun admits.

<Super Idol> allowed him to receive systemised training, but from his point of view, the year that made him change the most was 2017, when his career was at a temporary pause. The programme was popular at the time, debuting with glory then, many looked well upon cai xukun’s idol journey.

Yet no matter the effort put in, things did not go his way. Bringing up that period of time, cai xukun didn’t say much, and after a glum moment he said; actually a year of stillness doesn’t affect the choices he makes, he only see it as an opportunity arranged for him by the heavens, and is also a gift for his turning 18.

That year, cai xukun had little schedules related to music. Most of his time was spent cooped up at home or in the recording studio, repeatedly listening to music alone, writing sections of songs. Back then someone advised cai xukun to drop his path in music, but he was set on that - other than music, there was nothing else he wanted to do.

“I’m very grateful for myself not giving up on this path back then, to think of it now it was insane, as people had no idea that you were working hard. But I always believed, the most success one can achieve is doing something they like.” Cai xukun recalls smiling.

In may 2017, a period of time when he was the most lost and alone, cai xukun composed his first original track <I Wanna Get Love>. “If you need my baby, I will be your side.”

He says, this is a ‘love song’ written for the fans that had always been watching over him, it had nothing to do with his mentality(/condition) then, he just wanted to create a style that belonged to cai xukun.

While writing this song, he wrote his motto “keeping one’s heart grounded in a world of temptations”, “I took a really important step out, I can ignore the external matters and public’s discussions, as long as I’m focused on composing.” Music, became cai xukun’s conversation with himself during that period of stillness, and was his only way of making peace with the world.

Someone once asked him, if he could return to a year ago, what would he tell himself? Cai xukun admits, he wouldn’t say anything, “Because it’s only when you’ve truly walked through that period of stillness, will you turn into another person. Now I’ve changed, I’ve become stronger than before.”

About <IPD> What he cherishes most is the stage, not fame.

In the public’s eyes, cai xukun’s participation in <Idol Producer> is a ‘fight or die’. There are too many of such survival shows in the mainland, but those that really succeed can be counted with the fingers. And those who’ve gone through such audition programmes would know, that choosing a stage, means having to accept its success or failure, it is a long-term risk.

“I can’t say it’s gambling, but it does need courage.” Cai xukun talks about the reason for participating in <IPD>, “Because you’ve experienced not being recognised (/acknowledged for his skills) and uncared for, so you have to let go of all the previous bad experiences and pressure, and restart. It’s is a difficult thing to do.”

But to stand on stage, he gave up on the opportunities to film, and came to <Idol Producer> to fight.

His first appearance on stage, he chose <I Wanna Get Love>. The first performance, cai xukun became to first person to get an A with his mature stage control.

And yet, the public was mostly on his appearance; middle-parted golden brow hair, blue contacts, a velvet jacket matched with a mesh shirt, even the teachers’ first impression of him was ‘fishnet’.

“If I were to do it for the first time again, I’d still choose a style like this.” To him, ‘sexy’ is a style that belongs to cai xukun, and fits the expression of that song. Besides the stage, any other voices were not within cai xukun’s radius of taking into consideration.

Cai xukun’s journey in <IPD> was a constant victory, no other trainee could ‘sit’ steadily in the centre position throughout till debut, yet cai xukun did it. There was a time during the competition where the trainees posted on weibo at the same time, cai xukun’s post had three hundred thousand reposts, and two hundred and sixty likes in two hours, shocking the entertainment industry. Many guessed, cai xukun’s generation of popularity is soon arriving.

Towards this, cai xukun himself was more than flattered, even a little dumbstruck. He says, those that have experienced (being at a) low, wouldn’t hope for ‘popularity’ and ‘shooting to fame’ to happen to themselves. He understands that the love he receives are requites from the stage and his works, “I’ll never give myself too many pre-set goals, when people place you on a higher starting point, there indeed will be pressure. But you have to spend more time to practice, to become better, not enjoy yourself in this ‘bunch of fresh flowers’.”

On the 6th of april 2018, zhang yixing announced cai xukun as the centre position of nine percent with 47,640,887 votes, successfully debuting. Cai xukun raised his head and took a deep breath, but still didn’t manage to hold back his tears. He said, that he is grateful for the him four months ago, for having made this decision, for not having given up.

Closing himself up after debut Making use of his spare time to compose

It’s been four months since the end of <Idol Prodcuer>, cai xukun’s daily schedules are packed: nine percent’s 7 consecutive fan meetings within two months, and endless endorsements. Our interview with cai xukun was also delayed for nearly 3 months.

Though surrounded by and stuck in his numerous contracts of business performances, cai xukun still spent most of his time after the competition on music.

After debut, he followed the band to LA for over half a month of training; in july, cai xukun many times flew to korea by himself, personally participating in the making of his new song. Every schedule of his were very low-key, it didn’t seem like he was enjoying the benefits of shooting to fame.

On the flip-side, the world never seemed to forget cai xukun’s existence. Just a video of him brushing his teeth made it to the trending list’s TOP20; any news that mentioned ‘popularity’ or ‘little fresh meat’, whether good or bad, the arrows would be pointed at cai xukun and his fans. Doubting voices like “no works, only popularity” lurked.

Someone once advised him, to not make an english song, but to compose a song with higher singing difficulty, but he always persisted on his own ideas and style in music.

“Because there was always a voice telling me, that I can do even better.” Cai xukun didn’t want to view music as a task because of these doubts towards him, “I want to try different styles, let everyone see the most all-rounded and best (version of) myself, instead of being eager to showcase myself. The process of keeping yourself grounded can only be grasped and persevered with by yourself.”

The competition just ended in april, and cai xukun posted a weibo in may, once again bringing up “keeping one’s heart grounded in a world of temptations”. He hopes to always keep the initial passion he had for music, and to not be affected by the impetuous industry.

Facing the schedules that only get more and more packed, cai xukun often gets only 2 - 3 hours of sleep. Like squeezing toothpaste out of its tube, he squeezes time out to compose; shower time, on flights, at the dinner table, these have all become places for cai xukun to compose. When travelling around for fan meets, cai xukun made use of the time to create 4, 5 songs “After I finish chatting with you and take a ten minute break later, I can write a section of lyrics, as long as I’m willing to. Since I’m still young, I think all of these are ok.”

Until the end, we even forgot, that he is still a boy that just turned 20. We asked, if you aren’t popular anymore in the future, returning to that year of stillness, what would you do?

He answered without hesitation: “I haven’t thought about that, these have never been a part of the things I worry about.”

Q&A

BJN: When are you usually the most happy?

CXK: When I eat (laughs). When I’m alone I listen to music, and get immersed in my own world. I can’t stand not listening to music for a day.

BJN: After debuting, what do you think is your biggest change?

CXK: My mentality hasn’t changed much, I’ve always persevered in doing the things I like. But maybe because it’s in a different environment, sometimes I’m also like a chameleon. They say sometimes I’m cute, but when on stage I become a little ‘arrogant’. In different environments, I turn into different colours.

BJN: Will you try any film-related work next?

CXK: Of course, I’d be to glad to try. But I’ll take every decision very seriously, like when I release music, I’ll be very serious (/careful) about each word, each melody. I’m just as serious when choosing scripts and characters.

BJN: Throughout this experience towards debut, have you ever ‘lost control’ of yourself? Or have you always controlled yourself well?

CXK: I’ve never lost control. If I did, I wouldn’t live tiredly like this. But this kind of tired is enjoyable, as it’s my own choice, because I like it.

BJN: Is 《1》a product of your perseverance in your own style?

CXK: 《1》is a very inclusive album, it doesn’t consist only of mainstream elements; while satisfying the audience, it also consists of my own style. I named it 《1》, as it holds the meaning of a new form of style. Each work is like my child, after this I will continue to extend my style and create new works, I’ll slowly strive it towards perfection. This is something that will never change, it must be my own original work.

BJN: When the public labels you with the tag ‘popularity’, do you get upset?

CXK: I’ll happily accept it, but time will prove everything.

BJN: Your current state (/condition), is it one that you are satisfied with?

CXK: I’ve actually never thought about a state (/condition) that I’d look forward to, or how I should become, and neither have I thought about which high level I have to achieve. I just want to do the things that I like right now, you’ll then be able to achieve the happiness as of right now. You don’t have to give yourself a frame - ‘I have to be this great’, there isn’t a need. If you want to write a song of this certain style today, ok, then it’ll feel nice to just write it out. The type of happiness that is ‘right now’.

Credits; Text: Zhang He Editor: Bao Bao Photography: Zhu Jun Article: https://mp.weixin.qq.com/s/NXbyk0oZgEmShjRDtCsh9g

Full Translations: @02m1lk Do NOT repost, please take out WITH credits.

#cai xukun #caixukun #xukun #nine percent #interview #180821 #02m1lk

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onisionhurtspeople · 7 years

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The Adrienne Letter

This letter was published by Adrienne, an ex-girlfriend of Onision’s, to a certain YouTuber in an effort to help him understand more about how Greg operates. After Onision made a series of videos attacking her, she gave him permission to release this letter in is entirety - in fact, one of the videos in this series about her was the reason why he was banned from VidCon in 2012.

The reason I am re-posting this now, after all these years, is because of the recent surge of interest in Onision in light of the drama that has been surrounding his personal life and shady business practices since late December. If even one Onision fan reads this and changes their mind about him, then I’m happy to repost it.

What follows is Adrienne’s letter in its entirety, unedited by me in any way.

Oh God, where to start? Even after a night of rest, and an afternoon to collect my thoughts, this situation was such an emotional clusterfuck for me, that accessing the vault that these thoughts are locked away in makes my head spin. But, as promised, here we go – from the beginning… A lot of people seem to be confused on how exactly me and G met; some people think we were friends before, some people think we contacted each other to orchestrate some subscriber garnering publicity stunt, and some people know the truth. The truth of how we met is cute, but hardly newsworthy. Long story short, I stumbled upon some of his speaks video earlier in this year (ironically enough, while I was still dating my last ex – the one who I wrote that long, “incriminating”, blog entry about, that G publicly posted to seek “revenge”). Honestly, I share(d) the same view on his speaks videos as you; they are ignorant, judgemental, hypocritical, and close-minded, with no real life experience or formal education to lend any form of validity, meaning, or substance to the preachy nature of whatever his “message” for that particular video may be. His message that lacks any message at all, that is just someone seemingly talking to hear the sound of their own voice. But, regardless, there is something fascinating about his speaks videos that keep you watching. Perhaps it’s his audacity? Or, to the contrary, perhaps it's his naive boyish demeanor (a facade or not) that keeps you glued to the screen, watching for the moment he finally gets it. But, I digress – I found his videos interesting, not only because of the entertainment factor, but from a psychologically analytical standpoint, and so I kept watching. And watching. And watching. After me and my boyfriend broke off our year and a half relationship towards the end of may, I suddenly had a lot of free time – so what did I do? I continued watching all the way through round one of the Shiloh drama. I often found myself not only relating to Shiloh, applying her situation to the recently extinct relationship of my own, but also wondering what I would do in Shiloh’s shoes if I were with G instead of her. Which subsequently lead to me wondering what it was like to date G; to be the center of his attention, to be showered in his affection. Then I totally face/plamed when I realized I had a crush on this person who I absolutely love to hate. I ended up joining his forum, making a few comments here and there, and just generally perusing his posts to see another side of G that wasn’t connected to the negativity surrounding his private life at the time. Eventually (we’re at mid to late August now), I created a couple of topics of my own, one of which was directed to the young girls writing depressing unrequited “love” stories – telling them something to the effect of, “It’s okay to take your time in choosing the right person for you. There are 7 billion people in this world, you’re bound to find one who will treat you right”. G apparently liked this, and left a comment jokingly asking me when we’re getting married, and if Friday worked for me. Jokingly, I responded, “Yes and yes”. He gave me his e-mail and the rest is YouTube history. I was curious, so I sent him an e-mail asking if we’re getting married in LA or Austin, and within minutes he responded. We joked back and forth until he was finally said something to the effect of, “Okay, complete stranger! But if you want, I can fly you up here for a weekend, we can hang out and you can watch me edit!”. The rapid rate at which things were progressing was a little disconcerting for me, but I still played along – my interest was peaked. I told him he should get to know me better and then we can talk about me visiting him. I ended up giving him my phone number, telling him it’s the easiest way to reach me, should he care to get to know me better. Again, within minutes, he contacted me. We texted back and forth until 3:00 AM, when I had to go to bed. I honestly thought this was a one off shot at talking to him; I did not expect to hear from him again. Wrong. He texted me later the next day, asking me to Skype with him when I got home from work and I agreed. Well, I should of taken this entire Skype session as the worlds biggest red flag. Because within not even 5 minutes of his disinterest in anything I was saying, and him cutting off everything I said, by talking over me with things pertaining to him – he proceeds to tell me the astronomical amount of money he has to pay Skye within the next 7 years, and followed that by telling me all about a certain popular YouTuber who has mouth herpes, and another certain popular YouTuber who propositioned him for a threesome (in graphic and gory detail, no less). You know, information I should not be privy to, that he has no right telling me. Then, after him spending most of the evening grilling me about my past relationships – including such questions as “How many people have you slept with?” – and cutting off my answers with unrelated stories about himself, I realized it was 2:00 AM and I needed to go to bed. I tried to say goodnight, but he started getting very ornery with me. Saying, and I quote: “You know, if I keep talking to you, I am going to fall for you, I hope you’re prepared for that. Are you going to let me down?”. Hoping this behavior was unusual for him, that perhaps it was just a bad night, and not wanting to completely run him off because I was curious as to where this was leading, I told him I would not let him down. We said goodnight, I sign off. The next day, we text back and forth while I’m at work. How cute! I get home from work at around midnight and get a text saying, “I’m ready to Skype when you are!”. I guess I didn’t get the memo that Skyping every single night was a mandatory requirement here – so I politely declined, citing that I was exhausted and didn’t feel or look my best, and asked if we could reschedule for the following night. Again, with the ornery behavior; he told me I wasn’t “fighting for love” (…who fucking knows) and that someone who is genuinely interested in him (who cares about me, right?) would want to Skype him all night – that “a little exhaustion shouldn’t keep you from the one you love”. Please, keep in mind that this was the third night I had ever spoken to this man. Again, I politely declined and his response was him pulling away, telling me that he can’t be with someone so emotionally vacant, and if I want something real with him that I know where to find him and what I have to do. So you know what I did? I went to bed. As I lacked enough vodka and the ability to get so hammered that something like that might actually make enough sense to stay up deal with it. I mean, Jesus Christ! Within 3 days, this man made it pretty clear he wasn’t fond of the idea of me drinking, yet I have never encountered anything or anyone who has made me want to chug a handle of cheap vodka more than him. What’s even scarier is that, even so, I liked the man! I genuinely liked him! What's going on here?! I wake up the next morning to a series of texts from him saying that he’s not right in the head, that he’s not over the e-fling he was having with Miss menage a trois (or was it the ex-girlfriend from 10 years ago he had just started talking to again? I can’t fucking remember), and that he isn’t going to be around or make himself available to me anymore. I responded with a very cold and callous text, telling him that I don’t appreciate being chewed up and spit back out, especially when he isn’t the only one with feelings here. I told him if this is what he wants, so be it, and I said goodbye. He called me immediately… to talk about the person he is upset over – I wasn’t amused. He quickly realized that trying to manipulate me into a jealous frenzy wasn’t working, and somehow managed to re-route the conversation, and relevance of bringing up the other girl, into him working things out with me – he was so sweet and charming, so I accepted when he said he wanted another shot with me. We made a Skype date for later that evening. This is where he tells me he is falling in love with me, tells me I shouldn’t be afraid to love him too, and asked me to be his girlfriend. Against my better judgement, I accepted – what can I say, I was smitten with the boy. (He also asked me to marry him, but I just giggled it off). He kept telling me how beautiful I am, how smart I am, how funny I am – it had been a while since I’d heard anyone say those things to me, and he knew that. He really punched a huge hole in my defensive wall, and any remaining bricks of resistance he basically forced me to tear down myself, with guilt trips (“You don’t really love me if you don’t do this for me”) and scare tactics (“I don’t think I can be with somebody who…”) – making me feel like there was something wrong with me for not wanting his love or to love him in return. It was unnerving and I felt vulnerable, but the damage had already been done – I went along with it. He started asking me to move out to Los Angeles to live with him, so we can give our relationship a fair shot. He said that everything would be easier if we were face to face. I told him that this is all happening a little too fast for my taste and that I would absolutely love to fly out there for a weekend to spend time with him, to make sure us dating is something either of us actually want, as we barely knew each other, but he was not pleased with my answer. He became offended and upset. He started making completely asinine statements, such as: “If I really loved someone, I would give up everything to be with them. Love is the most important thing in my life!”. To which I responded with, “If I really loved someone and they really loved me, I would trust them not to have unrealistic expectations of me like that”, and to completely diffuse the situation, I smiled, flipped my hair, and told him, “Let's hangout first and see what happens. Who knows, maybe I wont want to go home. Just be patient with me”. There was no arguing that, he settled down. It felt like the more I turned up my nose his attempts at controlling the situation, the more extravagant his next attempt would be. It was like the ultimate game of pong; back and forth, until one of us would slip up, and then it’s game over. I want you to remember, this is still night 3 of us talking. Not 3 years, not 3 months, not 3 weeks, 3 days. Please notice how he is already throwing the L word around – as if he is using it to control me and invoke fear, rather than to express any genuine feelings for me. Then the conversation got really warped and sexual. He started asking me how I felt about uncircumcised penises, proceeded to tell me about his, then ask me all sorts of sexual questions about myself. He asked me about how I protect myself during sex, I told him I cannot find a birth control pill that’s right for me, so I use condoms. I, however, made the mistake of telling him that I am allergic to them, so ultimately it ends up being painful for me. I joked around saying that I’d rather be pregnant than use the alternative and shove lamb hide inside of me, and I guess he took me seriously. Because he responded, “Well, it’s settled, we wont use condoms them”. I asked him “What if I get pregnant?”, and he told me we’d cross that bridge when we come to it, and implied that having a mini-me might not be such a bad thing later down the line. (I did not realize that he meant, like, 2 weeks). Even though I objected to or was offended by everything he was saying, I didn’t have the emotional energy to be assertive and tell him how I really felt – as, by this point, I was frightened by his unstable emotions and was scared he might never speak to me again if I upset him. I was utterly terrified of making him angry. In 3 days he had already found ways to manipulate me and make me feel like my life would be mundane and worthless without him being in it – I didn’t want to challenge him. Oh, but then he tells me when we live together, we’re waiting a month before we have sex. Err. Eventually he ended up telling me that one of the times him and Shiloh broke up was because he had a problem jerking off to Hentai and she was disgusted by it. Before I had time to finish being disgusted myself, finish throwing up in my mouth and disconnect the call, he started talking about just Shiloh. Even though I felt that indulging in more of his trash-talking was a selfish and sleazy move on my part, once again, curiosity got the better of me, and I set my morals aside to hear what he had to say. He told me that Shiloh is a psychotic pathelogical liar – that almost every word that comes out of her mouth is fabricated or designed to hurt someone. I think it goes without saying that he told me he didn’t believe she was pregnant and that she lied entirely about losing her memory – that she admitted it to him later. He told me that she was controlling and wouldn’t let him not only talk to other girls, but look at them in movies (and I don’t mean the Hentai kind, I mean summer blockbuster kind). He told me that his tattoos were her idea – that she wanted him to get them to recommit himself to her after one of the many times they broke up. She got his name on the back of her neck and he was supposed to get her name on his wrist, but he changed his mind at the last second, after she had gotten hers, and chose something far more vague; “Remember Love”. He told me that he was the only one she had told about how she was born with both genitals, but somehow, as a baby, opted for cosmetic surgery to go the female route. He told me that she claimed to have lost her virginity to him, but believes that when she told him she was “brutally raped” several times, that they were just her ex-boyfriends and that she didn’t have the courage to admit to him that she wasn’t a virgin. He told me when they were dating they would drive to or meet up in any states they could where 17 was the legal age of consent – they didn’t just meet up that one time, as they lead people to believe with their videos. How’s this for messed up: he even went as far as to tell me that his mother informed him that when they were broken up but still living together – and G wouldn’t have sex with her anymore (but would buy her sex toys and show her how to use them – yes, I am serious) – that Shiloh tried to force his little dog to eat her out, and the dog got scared, so it bit her in the crotch. Then he said something about Shiloh peeing on his bed and blaming the dog? I don’t even know, by this point I was terrified and stopped listening. It was time for me to fucking go to bed. (And just to put possible thoughts in the back of your mind to rest – I have absolutely no beneficial reason to make any of this up in a private e-mail that, hopefully, only you will be seeing. Hell, I don’t think I could make this up if I wanted to, man. I am telling you about the “reconstructive surgery” and alleged beastiality in the strictest of confidence, as means of you understanding how seriously warped and disgusting these people are! True or not, it’s all sickening!) Anyway, as I was saying, I went off to bed and tried to pretend like that didn’t just happen. Somewhere within the next few days, we have *gasp* another completely ridiculous and unnecessary argument, started entirely by him. As per usual, it involved Skype! I guess I had forgotten about the mandatory Skype requirements of being his girlfriend and naively made plans to hang out with my friends, instead of Skype all night with him. Even though I gave him an advance warning that I wouldn’t be able to chat, I was being foolish and thought maybe he could salvage his night and go do something fun himself. Unacceptable. He immediately calls me to tell me that I don’t truly love him, that once again, I am not “fighting for love”. He told me he doesn’t understand how I can choose my friends over him, that in order to be with him, that I “have to prioritize him over everyone”. Then we ended up getting into this additional argument where I asked him, “What’s going to happen if we live together and I want to go out with my friends one night?”. His response was, “Well, I’ll go with! We are supposed to do everything together!”. I added, “I meant without you”. He told me he thought I was being shady and he doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. Even though I thought he was acting like a 5 year old cult leader in the making, we played phone tag for about an hour – eventually I got him on the line long enough to tell him that friendships require constant maintenance and I am not going to neglect the people I love because he is insecure with being left alone for a little while. I told him that when I said I am not going to neglect the people I love, that I meant him as well – that there is such a thing as time management. I told him that healthy adult couples require time apart – what’s the point is having me share my life with him, when I have no life, other than HIM, to share; he might as well date himself. Did I mention that during all of this, my friends had come to my house and were sitting in the living room waiting for me while I was arguing with G? And eventually I became so overwhelmingly frustrated that I had to send them home, ultimately to buckle under the pressure and Skype him. But hey, I scratch his back, he scratches mine, right? I Skyped like he wanted, so in return he admitted I was right, that he was acting childish and that I can hang out with my friends whenever I want. Thanks. Even though a few days later, he pulled the same stunt, but this time I was at my friends house, not at home and completely unable to Skype even if I wanted to. Since I was preoccupied and unable to tend to my phone blowing up with calls and texts every 5 minutes, he started making ridiculous ultimatums and demands that had absolutely nothing to do with anything – “You tell me RIGHT NOW that you’re going to move here in a week or IT’S OVER! THIS IS THE FINAL TIME!”. Huh? That’s when the countdown started – “You have ONE HOUR TO ANSWER ME OR IT’S DONE FOR GOOD!”… “46 minutes!”… “32 minutes!”… “16 minutes!”. I shit you not, this happened. So, at this point I proceeded to get obliterated, hammered, fall on my ass, piss drunk and send him pictures of Chocobo as my responses. As I’m sure you can imagine, that didn’t go over too well. From that point on details are fuzzy, but I do know that I ended up calling him at 2 in the morning crying uncontrollably and screaming at him for hours. Apparently, according to him, I reamed him a new one and he learned his lesson to never try and come between me and my friends. It was never an issue from that moment on. Over the next day or so, things finally felt, well, as stable as they possibly could. And what I mean by that is that G wasn't unnecessarily angry with me over nothing, which meant that I could breathe easy. So, I was making friendly banter with him, via text message. I told him I was excited because I just ordered new jewelry for my septum piercing, because one of the little balls unscrewed and fell off, so I had to wear the jewelry flipped up. Even though he knew I had a septum piercing before he asked me to be his girlfriend, he proceeded to tell me that he thinks they are ugly and implied that he thought I should take it out, because it is “disrespecting my body”. I became unequivocally, unabashedly, downright fucking furious that I went off on him. I told him that he has absolutely no right to try and change how I look, or who I am, and that if he really “loves” ME, he would love and accept all of me. That there’s no ‘buts’ when it comes to love; love is unconditional or it’s not love at all. Then he got angry, then I got angrier, then he got even more angry than that. Then, as expected, he dumped me, and I spent the next couple of hours ignoring his angry texts and frantic phone calls – until his fury filled mania subsided and he realized how ridiculous he was being and called me crying, to apologize for everything. I decided not to just grin and bear it like I have in the past, but to be completely honest with him. I reminded him that I am a 26 year old adult, who is far more experienced not only in relationships, but life, than he is and that I know when I’m being manipulated. That every word that comes out of his mouth is his way of trying to manipulate me into giving him something he wants – I said to him, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to ask, instead of fighting for it all the time?”. I told him that I am willing to compromise in certain areas, for the sake of maintaining a healthy and functional relationship where both parties are satisfied, but I absolutely refuse to change myself or who I am, merely to accommodate someone’s overly sensitive ego. He toggled between crying, and being silly ‘I’m a banana’ G – he didn't know how to process what I had said to him. He told me that no one has ever spoken to him the way I have before, that I was right – every word out of his mouth was him trying to manipulate me, that he is a very conniving and manipulative person. He told me that he’s not used to dating women, that in relationships, he’s used to playing babysitter,[…]. He told me that my independence and free will scare him and he doesn’t know how to handle it. He also expressed to me that he wasn’t used to having to keep his private life private, that he was used his significant other being actively involved in his YouTube “career” – as I had asked him to keep everything between us private. Which I think is funny, looking at his most recent videos where he is begging for the privacy I begged him for a month or so ago. Anyway, we made up. A few days of peace and quiet went by, until he started demanding I move out there again. I told him I can’t do that, but rather, I want to meet him face to face and spend some quality bonding time first. He told me to ask my boss for time off, I agreed. It took me forever to get my boss to respond to me, but more or less, he told me he couldn’t give me any up coming weekends fully off. So G booked a plane ticket for him to come out here. He also booked a hotel room, because he didn’t “feel comfortable intruding on my roommates house” – riiiiiight. This all brought me back to that period of time, a few weeks prior, where I was watching his videos on youTube, wondering what it was like to be in Shiloh’s shoes – strangely enough, now I know. So, G flies out here. Get’s his rental car and comes to my house to pick me up. In a black mustache and his Chibi wig – I thought it might break the ice if we both looked ridiculous when we met, so I had on a black mustache too. It honestly just made everything more uncomfortable. Especially when our mustaches got tangled, which made for an awkward first kiss. A kiss that happened in the first 10 seconds of us meeting. We drove back to his hotel room, we walk in the door, I set down my bag and instantaneously he starts making out with me. He immediately starts taking off articles of my clothing, and we had only been there for not even 30 seconds. He gets me on the bed, still kissing me and touching me – between his kisses was me going “nononononono”, and him kissing me harder to shut me up. I finally pull away long enough to remind him that he said we were supposed to wait a month, and that maybe we should get to know each other in person a day or two before we jump into having sex. He asks me “Why?” as he continues kissing me. Eventually I realized I was fighting an uphill battle, so I gave up and just went with it. (I’ve already said this on my Google+, but I want to reiterate that he did not rape me – but there is a fine line between being forced to do something and being pressured to do something. I just felt rushed is all.) During sex, he’s looking me in the eye, petting my hair, and asking me if I want him to cum in me. I told him only if we can get Plan B in the morning. He looks at me with these disappointed and frustrated eyes, and says “Don’t you want to be pregnant with my child? Come on, let's make babies together!”, I told him absolutely not. And he still came in me anyway. Luckily for me, he’s not that big of a creeper that he refused to get me Plan B the next morning. Basically the first 2 days of him being in Austin was him repeatedly trying to have sex with me, cutting off everything I was saying to ask me a sexual question or to make a sexual innuendo. It got to the point that we got into an argument about it, because it was legitimately starting to hurt my feelings. For some reason or another, he would take me being frustrated and argumentative as a sexual challenge, and would pin me to the bed and basically try to fuck me (or, as he says, “make love”) into submission. It became pointless to try and fight it, so I let him do whatever he wanted – which resulted in him cumming in me countless times after the Plan B had worn off. With him citing: “If you get pregnant, I will immediately marry you and will step up as the role of the father for our child”. What a turn on. Oh well, c'est la vie when you’re involved in the life of this man. I suppose. Later that evening, morbid curiosity struck again – I knew all about Shiloh, but what about Skye? After we had finished “making love” for the umpteenth time, and were rolling around in the sheets, I asked him what kept him with Skye for so long, for him to tell me about her. […] I legitimately felt so bad for Skye that I had to tell him to stop talking and that I’d heard enough. At least the Shiloh stuff was laughable, this was just sad. I made him put in Star Trek and change the subject. After the first day or two of him being in Austin, he legitimately asked me to marry him. He told me that when I move out there, we’ll go ring shopping. He offered me the moon and the stars, and promised to be everything I’ve ever wanted in a boyfriend, fiance or husband – that the only thing causing problems is the distance between us and to just give him a chance. We decided that I, indeed, would move out there – that at the end of that month (it was September 10th at this point) he would drive out to Austin, we’d pick up my belongings, drive back and live happily ever after. I had asked him about my animals – as he said, he did, in fact, offer to pay for the pet deposit at his apartment to bring my animals. but he followed that statement with telling me how unbelievably expensive it will be and how there is no room for my animals, and nowhere to put their litterbox. What else was I supposed to do? I clearly couldn’t bring them. However, I also asked him about job related stuff and money – he told me that I could work for him, run the contact page on his forum and respond to people that he didn’t have time to respond to himself, and that he would pay me for it. He also told me he would teach me to edit videos, so I could help him get his stuff out faster, since apparently YouTube has him on a deadline. (I guess? I don’t understand this YouTube crap). He said I could do this permanently, since apparently his money would be mine if we are engaged, or I could do this until I was able to land a job of my own elsewhere. I mean, have a couple of close friends who live in LA, who I know would help me should I go out there and things end up in disaster – so I decided to just go for it. Regardless of some kinks here and there, how outlandish the entire situation was, and the fact that he had been trash-talking and farting all evening, things seemed like they were falling into place, like me and him had a real chance this time. Maybe he had a point all along. Because, truth be told, I did feel a sense of validation having him in front of me, without him being a mish-mash of text and pixels. What a fucking mistake. It took just 12 hours for all of that to unravel. Do you want to know what I had to fucking deal with the next day? Oh my GOD! First of all, let me just say that G talks in his sleep. Like, continuously throughout the night, clear as day and loud as hell, so it took me until dawn to finally fall into a deep sleep. But, oh my GOD, I’ve been dying to tell someone this aside from my best friends in real life! Let me tell you how I woke up the next morning! Please grab a towel to sit on before you read this, because you will pee yourself with laughter. I don’t know how I managed to keep my composure when it was happening to me. *G shaking and tapping me* Me: I roll over, sleepy eyed, “What?!” Him: “Do you suck me?!” Me: “Wha… no?…?!?!?! What the fuck?!”, I roll over and go back to sleep. I wish you could hear how he says it. He refers to blowjays as being “sucked on”. Ugh, ew! When he wants a beej, he goes, “Suck me?!”. He says it kind of like an Asian man at a restaurant, asking you if you would like some additional “Suk mi” with your order. And he always says it with a raised inflection on the “me”, so it always sounds like a question. It is really very tragic. I slept for another hour or so, until he woke me up a second time – asking, “Are you mad at me?!”. Once again, my response was more or less: “Whaaa…??? No?!?! I am asleep, what the fuck are you talking about?!?!” – and I rolled over and attempted to go back to sleep. He told me that he had a bad dream, where we were fighting, and he needed me to “love him” and “hold him now” (Yes, like the Thompson Twins song), because he was “scared”. This was completely beyond me, this was too stupid for even me to put up with. I told him I was fucking asleep, I have no idea what he’s talking about, and that he’s being ridiculous and to go back to bed. He responded by angrily turning over and covering his head with the blanket. Like a 5 year old. I rolled my eyes and went back to sleep. I wake up a couple hours later, still slightly annoyed, but hopped in the shower and proceeded to get dressed and ready anyways, so by the time G woke up, we’d be able to go out for lunch like we had made plans to do the night before. I wasn’t going to let anything ruin my last full day with him. He, however, had other plans. I was sitting behind a partition in the room, finishing up the last little bit of my makeup, when I hear, “ADRIENNE?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!”. To which I replied, as would anyone else with a firm grasp on the English language and possibly reality, “What?!”. WELL, that was the final straw for HIM, let me tell you! He doesn’t respond, so I figure something is wrong. I walk out from behind the partition and he is curled up in a ball, on the bed, with the blanket pulled up to his eyes, on the verge of tears. At this point, I’ve dealt with far beyond my maximum capacity of this premenstrual, crybaby, bullshit for the day, and bluntly ask him, “What the fuck are you doing?!”. He ignored me for around 5 minutes, while I am asking him such questions as: “Are you seriously mad because I responded with “WHAT” when you called my name? What the fuck did you expect me to do, bust out in song and dance?!“, "Are you still seriously upset about this morning?”, “Why the hell are you crying?!”. He finally responded… “Never in my life have I met someone as unloving as you. I came to you this morning, scared, looking for you to hold me, but you have not loved me. I did not like how you said "What” to me, it was angry and violent. I don’t deserve to be treated this way”. My response? A 30 second pause, followed by: “……………………. are you fucking for real?!?!?!?!?!?!”. The argument went round in circles, until he realized I wasn’t going to let him win and I wasn’t going to back down. So, he proceeded to call me a troll, and go on a tirade of character insults, until I zoned him out and started texting my friends that I might need rescuing shortly, that he has officially lost his mind. I warned him that if this didn’t stop I would leave, but he kept pressing the issue, and remained curled in a ball, and hiding under the blankets. I told him that I wasn’t going to spend my day off that I could of been at work making much needed money, or at the very least going out and enjoying the day, sitting in a dark room with someone who is crying and insulting me. So, again, I tell him his options are stop, or I respond to one of my 4 friends on standby, waiting for me to give the word to come get me. Even STILL, I hovered my finger over the send button, and I said, “This is your last chance, all I have to do is hit send – are you done?”. Nope! *sent* Then he was actually surprised when I was gathering my things and making my way towards the door, he dumped me right before I left. I told him HE did this, HE chose this, NOT ME. As I was walking out, I told him, “Call me when you grow up” and slammed the door. I was home within 15 minutes. I checked his facebook and saw that he was taking one of his long showers, that usually last a couple of hours or so. I figured he’d calm down and contact me to come back later, so I waited around, kept my phone close by. Well, he DID text me, and told me he bought a plane ticket to leave later that evening, that he couldn’t bear to be in Austin all by himself. Even though his flight left the next morning, but… okay. I decided to call him, because even though he had just spent the morning emotionally tormenting me, and he dumped me, I didn’t want him departing Austin on such a horrible note. So, we talked and he told me that the ticket for that afternoon is already purchased, but he still has the ticket reserved for the next morning, he asked me if I wanted to come back to the hotel and talk things through, I said yes. Well, I get there and he is still being horribly argumentative with me. I tried to remain calm, levelheaded, rational and do the whole 'kill 'em with kindness’ shtick – I couldn’t hold out for very long, he pushed my buttons too many times. I snapped on him. I went off on a tirade of my own. “Are you fucking serious right now? You are a 25 year old grown adult and you’re sitting here, curled up in a ball, crying, with the blankets pulled over your head. And WHY? Because I didn’t want to cuddle you this morning? Are you fucking for real? Do you know how pathetic that is?! You’re a grown fucking man, and you can’t even stand up for yourself. You know, when we get into arguments, I’d rather you punch me in the fucking face, than sit here and cry like a little BITCH!”. It was so strange, yet miraculous – there was this pause and then he looked up at me with these Puss-in-Boots eyes (example: click here), and said, “Oh my GOD, you’re right!” and snapped out of it. Even though he was pretty quiet the rest of the evening, we had a great time. Everything was fine! Even the next morning before he left, he told me once again that I am the first person to talk to him and treat him like an adult, like an equal, and that he owes me so much for how much I've apparently helped him grow in the short time we’d been together so far. We spent the rest of the morning talking about our move. He dropped me off at home, we had a romantic goodbye kiss, and off he went to the airport. This story is getting ridiculously long and time consuming, so let me just say that he was awesome over the next couple of days, he pretended like he understood and cared about my emotional needs very well. But, as always, his insecurities and subsequential mania got the best of him. To make another long mini story in this gargantuan novel I’ve written short – a few nights later, G decided randomly one evening, while I was at work, and certainly not intoxicated, that he did not like that I occasionally drink (even though in the hotel we discussed my past, and he told me that my past is exactly that – as long as it stays that way, we’ll be fine – I took his word for it. Ooops!). The only thing I can think of that spawned his sudden “revelation” was that I made it pretty clear one of the stipulations in regards to me moving, is that he has to give me adequate time to say goodbye to my friends, to have some alone time with them before he came out to Austin to pick me and my belongings up, to share some goodbye dinner and drink nights with them. He couldn’t understand that me wanting alone time with my friends was not a suggestion that I didn’t want to spend time with him as well. Either way, he decided to call me several times at work, to where I had to walk outside and talk to him, JUST to get my phone to STOP ringing or vibrating – he made up this ridiculous ultimatum for me; either I promise him right now that I will forever quit drinking, or were over. I told him he is being completely ridiculous and there’s no need to even be having this conversation right now. Still, I humored him and tried to reason with him; I told him I would not promise him anything, that he should just learn to trust me to not put myself into situations where a drunken Adrienne can make poor decisions and that he should trust me to do right by him. He responded with, “You’re absolutely right, but I don’t think that I can date someone knowing they drink, I don’t think we’ can be together, but I’m not dumping you”. He literally held a conversation with himself consisting of that same sentence repeated, but worded slightly different every time he said it. He then told me he made a facebook poll, asking his fans if they would quit drinking if their significant other asked them to. He said, “Only 99 people said no, a few thousand said yes! What does that say to you?”. I told him, “It says absolutely nothing – your viewer demographic consists mostly of 16 year olds, who not only have no realistic life experience, nor any relationship experience, they also are not of legal age to drink and have no place participating in a poll talking about alcohol consumption”. Pwned. And, thus, he deleted it. Still, this shit went on for hours, until he realized that, once again, he isn’t going to win, so he temporarily backed off. Honestly, dude? So much nonsensical bullshit went on between us that what happens after this, up until the last time we spoke is all one big blur. However, something after this night happened, God only knows what it was, that, once again, upset him. I remember us arguing, I remember that once again I got dumped and once again he started sending me 5 part texts messages saying how much he loves me, but he can’t handle being “treated this way” anymore. I’m sure he told me I was being violent when I was speaking to him calmly, I’m sure he said I’m disrespecting him when he’s telling me everything that’s wrong with me, I’m sure he said things like: “This is the final time!” and “You have not fought for love!”. Blah, blah, blah. Basically, he called me and told me that if I didn’t “drop everything” to go be with him in Los Angeles right now (even though I was moving there in 2 or 3 weeks anyways), that this was over and there was “no point”. What was scary is that he wasn’t being frantic like he normally is when we fight, he was saying these things to me as calmly and collected as if he were asking me the time of day. this change in attitude made me start to panic, because I didn't know how to handle it. So, for fear of losing him, or at the very least losing him without having the upper hand and feeling rejected, I entertained the idea of complying with his wishes. I asked him about my animals, he told me to figure it out myself. I asked him about my job and money, he said figure it out yourself. I asked him about my belongings, he asked me if I really need them and then told me to figure it out myself. He told me the only thing he was willing to help me with was the plane ticket there. I told him I’d do what he wanted if he compromised a little bit – I told him there is absolutely no way I am giving up my belongings, he said pack them up and store them and he’ll pay for them to get shipped in a few weeks. I asked him about working for him until I get my own job – he said the offer still stands. My only real issues were re-homing my animals and quitting my job – the latter I stalled on doing, out of fear that something would go wrong and I’d be homeless and jobless. He gave me one week from that day to sort everything out and went ahead and bought my plane ticket. I waited a couple of days, to see if he’d change his mind – but he seemed happy and things felt normal. So I went into work with the intent of quitting, and I sent him a text saying, “I am about to quit my job, you know this is real and official if I do – you have to PROMISE ME that you’re not going to change your mind on this, and that I am not going to end up without a home or means to support myself”. He promised, I quit my job. As always, things went horribly, horribly wrong. A day later, or perhaps it was even that same night, I went to my friends house and paid for his fiance, who is a licensed massage therapist to fix my neck, shoulders and back, because I have chronic pain issues (which G knows about). He was fine with this, he was fine with me not Skyping him (in fact he had laid off since he knew I was going out there in a few days, and let me do whatever I wanted without bitching about it). It was when I went home and made a facebook status update on my friends only, private account – referring to my massage as a “sensual” one in an obviously joking manner that he got upset. He saw my status, and called me, just short of screaming. He started telling me that I have disrespected, and publicly humiliated him, because I was writing inappropriate things on my personal facebook. He told me that because I am bisexual, that by nature I am inclined to be promiscuous and that I shouldn’t let anyone but him touch me. That because I am bisexual, I cannot be trusted – that I have been inappropriate with a member of one of the sexes I am attracted to. (One of the, uh, two sexes that actually exist). I was so beyond flabbergasted that I made another status update, vaguely saying that I can’t be trusted because I am bisexual. Yes, this was unwise and very immature. My friends, not knowing who or what this was about, commented on it, saying that whoever thinks that was is a misinformed douchebag. He read all of the comments and felt like a complete dipshit and got even more frustrated, except with himself, not me – but of course, I bore the brunt of this. He dumped me. Again. Regardless of what he has said and done to me, I felt bad for hurting his feelings and tried desperately to rationalize with me. I BEGGED him to Skype with me. He finally accepted my video call, and all he did was stare angrily into the camera at me and say absolutely nothing. So, I tried making cute faces to make him smile, but he disconnected the call and texted me saying that I disrespected him by mocking him. I asked him again to Skype me, he refused. I messaged him on Skype to try and get him to at least chat with me, he refused. He deleted me off his personal facebook, so I sent him a message, he ignored it. I sent an e-mail to his personal and business acounts apologizing for hurting his feelings (which he didn’t deserve, but I also didn’t deserve being dumped), begging him to talk to me. I called him multiple times, no answer. All I got was a couple of texts saying that we’re over and he never wants to speak to me again. Considering the severity of the situation, I decided to back off and heed his wishes. I deleted all of his contact information, from my phone or otherwise – as I said on Google+, I ubsubscriped, unliked, unfollowed, and unfriended everything I could think of. Basically exactly what I said on that infamous post on my Google+ sums it up from that point on. He called me a few times while I was asleep, made that video of him calling me while I was asleep, and texted me the next morning breaking up with me yet again, though I had not spoken to him since the night before. I went back to work, and as I wrote on Google+, and begged for my job back. I told him the night before, that he has until 5:00 pm the next day to change his mind about breaking up with me, because once I get my job back I’m not quitting it again. Of course at 6:00 pm is when he started frantically trying to contact me. Texting me, telling me he needs to me save him, that he is dead. He started psycho dialing me shortly after. Still, I was busy at work and decided to leave well enough alone for the time being. When I finally found some down time at work, I texted him back. I asked him what he was trying to accomplish by texting me, that he was the one who broke up with me. I more or less conveyed to him that you can only keep pushing someone away before one that, they don’t come back. That's when his snarky STD commentary on his facebook and twitter started. That’s where the STD test videos began. I was unaware of any of this until I had gotten home from work – that’s when I wrote the Google+ post. I backed away, turned off my computer, and ignored anything having to do with the situation. It was the next night, while hanging out at a friends house, that I was formed of his continued immaturity and attempted smear campaign, so I decided to sign on facebook and check it out for myself while I had the support of my friends. That’s when the plot thickened – I saw that Shiloh had added me to her personal account, and had sent me a message saying that she saw what I wrote on my Google+, that she went through the exact same thing with him and that if I need someone to talk to, she’s there for me. Again, with the whole morbid curiosity thing – I added her back, thanked her for her support and gave her my number and told her to call me if she ever feels so inclined. Well, she felt inclined 15 minutes later, unfortunately I was busy and unable to answer the call. I figured I’d call her back the next day. And oh, that next day. Where I started my day talking to Shiloh on the phone, and ended it with a 10 hour period of time, he called me 27 times, left 13 voicemails, 10 texts, 4 videos, 4 comments on Google+, an e-mail and a facebook message. There is probably more that I am forgetting, but you get the point. In between this, I had Shiloh calling me several times as well, because he was also calling her, in the midst of calling me. I ended my night by drunkenly Skyping her, making fun of his “shortcomings”, while Shiloh acted out with her roommate how G would scream […]’s sisters name when they had sex – he apparently told her that he used to fantasize about sleeping with […]'s sister when they were married, and accidentally would call out […]'s sister’s name when he would sleep with Shiloh. She also told me that night that her and G had been seeing each other, or “talking” for a year, prior to when they broke up (and had said it several other times in various other conversations we had). They broke up in July, didn’t he file for divorce from Skye in January? Again, I just feel bad for Skye. In G’s 13 voicemails (of which I have downloaded, saved to a flash drive, and have made an explanatory video, featuring all of the voicemails back to back, I was going to upload on YouTube if I needed to – thanks to the wonders of Google Voice) – he starts of by telling me that almost everything I am saying is accurate and true. That he is truly sorry for all he has done, that he loves me, and more or less is begging for me to take him back. That he hasn’t canceled the plane ticket and if I text him and tell him I’m boarding the plane, he’ll be there waiting to pick me up with flowers in hand. After that he decides to randomly tell my voicemail how he had called Shiloh earlier in the day to discuss her apparent pregnancy, and because she wouldn't pee on a pregnancy test in front of him on Skype, that she wasn’t really pregnant and that, “Yay! I’m not a Daddy”, or something to that effect. Then towards the end, he starts going down a depressing, and increasingly angry, spiral. The last voicemail threatening to “expose me”, because he is angry with me for not responding to him in a whopping 10 hour period of time. He took it upon himself to post on his website a completely unrelated LiveJournal entry I had made months prior, directed towards the girl my ex-boyfriend left me for – as a rebuttal to something she had written me. However, he, as well as most of his followers, quickly realized he is an idiot and he deleted it an hour later. After that he started sending me texts saying I don’t know true love and he feels sorry for me, “Goodbye”, etc. Still, after all of this, I did not respond or try to contact him one time. Over the next day or so, Shiloh called me REPEATEDLY (sometimes crying hysterically), apparently seeking my advice on how she should handle G, because apparently he was now doing the same thing to her, that he had just done to me. Calling her repeatedly, saying how much he loves and misses her, and is begging for her back. I even have a voicemail she left me, saying that this was the 16th time he had called her that day. He told her he had bought her a plane ticket (aka: got a credit for the ticket he bought for me that was unused) to see him in the next couple of days. She was calling me for willpower to say no to his advances, but apparently my advice fell on deaf ears and her past experiences were not enough to sway her from falling into his trap. Though it was a trap she was seeking out – She made it very clear she was only prying for information from both of us, to wedge herself between us and utilize me as a stepping stool to get closer to him. That blog post she made (and deleted shortly after) about us being friends was complete rubbish – as days later she was making videos in his room, on his camera, making fun of my private parts. When I had never said or did anything to this girl to deserve being treated so poorly. In fact, all I had ever done was try to be her friend and be supportive of her. She told me that she was going to fly to go stay with her Mother (she also apparently told her Mother this as well) to think things through. She even called me from the airport, saying she was waiting to board her plane and was telling me how excited she was to see her mother. When in reality, she knew full well she was boarding a plane to go see G. When I got the Facebook message from her mother, confirming that she was with G – I posted on Shiloh’s wall, saying that she didn’t need to lie to me, what she chooses to do in her personal life is her business – but that she needs to know if this fails, she has no one to blame but herself this time and that I am removing myself from the situation. I told her I wish her the best and deleted her as a friend. Aside from the aforementioned videos, I never heard from her again.

Even after being contacted by [redacted] and being told that the entire time he was with me, he was trying to win back Skye, or today when I noticed a facebook message sent a week into our relationship, from a girl trying to warn me, claiming he was cybering her while he was with Shiloh, and with me, all while trying to win back Skye – after all of this, I just keep my mouth shut and remain backed away from the situation. Due to the outpouring of support, I realized that people are catching on and that I no longer needed to say anything – They are digging their own graves. It’s just so unfortunate. I know I wrote primarily about the negative aspects of our short lived relationship, but if there weren't positives (and for fucks sake, with the amount of crap I had to deal with, earth shattering, world rocking, positives), I wouldn’t of stuck around through all of it. I really liked the boy, what can I say? Against my better judgement, I really wanted it to work. I tried as best as I knew how. What really sucks? We all know going through a breakup is bad enough, but going through a breakup with hundreds of thousands of people being involved? Mindfuck, much? There is my story. The sad thing is there is still more I could write about, but my brain is starting to throb. If you have any questions or want me to elaborate on anything, please feel free to ask. Also: I apologize in advance for the inconsistencies of writing formats, but I’ve been typing this off an on for a good day or so, it was hard to keep the flow going.

#onision #anti-o #anti-onision #laineybot #adrienne #the letter

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