#i'm going to cry tomorrow i can feel it

[disdaidal]

I wanna thank my irl friends who follow me here and also my beloved mutuals as well as followers who still send me kind messages and try to interact with me and my stuff even if I'm bad at doing it myself.

Honestly, things haven't been that great with me lately, so... it means a lot to me. Honestly. <3

#personal #i had to make the tough decision to drop out of school last week #i didn't exactly want it if i'm being completely honest here #but certain stuff was preventing me from getting further so i knew the teachers are gonna ask me to quit over at our teams meeting #i instantly contacted my nurse about my situation. and she got me a doctor's appointment which was yesterday #where i kind of broke down a little. not because she didn't grant me the sick leave i thought i was going to get #after feeling down and sleeping terribly for weeks #but because she actually *got me*. like. she actually listened to me and figured out some stuff and told me that #what i'm going through and what i've been going through for years would make anyone depressed #so i couldn't help but cry a little because yeah. i'm so tired of never being enough no matter how hard i try #because my brain's wired a certain way and it makes me slow and kinda clumsy and inattentive at times #which. you might guess is not ideal at today's work environment. or studying-wise even #so instead of granting me sick leave (she did say we can change that at anytime though) she told me to wait for that phone call #from the unemployment office. which i should be getting tomorrow. or well. later today #and talk to them about this. to see if they can offer some solutions. or if we can figure something out #'cause i'm getting closer to my 40s and not getting anywhere and it's wearing me out and tiring me out #because i clearly can't help myself or change my ways on my own #i managed to get some work last week though. at the local youth house. one shift though but money still #but i haven't been getting those offers a lot during the past few months so it's not enough to support me obviously #so i definitely need something else. and i hope i can get help. that someone could help me #i should finally get tested for adhd next month too. i don't know if i even have it or if it's gonna change anything but #at least i'd know #anyway i needed to get this off my chest. cause i'm kinda crying a little bit even now just thinking about this whole thing #sorry

[dubiousdoctors]

[tv static noise] [arcade machine powering down sound] the gender...

#doing what I can only describe as a Normal amount of slimy cry-breathing about It All. Help. Fuck. #I would Like very much to be doing whatever I want forever but I'm SCARED! and it's HARD TO TALK ABOUT! #okay I paused writing this post to eat some toast and put on a necktie and now I feel more alright about various things. #tomorrow perhaps I will go to the target and take a step. also I need to go there anyway because we are out of granola bars.

[eiko-chatter]

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#is it weird that this feels worse than 'just' #grieving my dead friend #the set of things i'm feeling are so confusing and complicated rn #maybe it's just the sick brain but #i feel like i'm being washed with bleach on a high spin cycle #there's so much going on and it all feels like too much and - #and i feel viscerally like i'm failing the people i care about #i don't endorse a lot of what i'm feeling and that makes it worse bc #like what #am i going to dump it on the people who care about me when i don't even believe this shit? #i don't even feel okay posting this in my crying channel rn for reasons unknown to me so it's just #going to be here now. #sorry!!!! #tomorrow can be brighter than today! #today was. bad. so it's easier to believe that than usual actually #it all hurts and #and she's stlil dead!! and i still miss her!!! and keep thinking about ways i could have saved her!!!! #yep even in this post that starts “this isn't about my dead friend” #i'm coming in at the end with dead friend posting #i wish things were different ;-; #delete later maybe

[dbphantom]

LUFFY CHARM'S CHAIN SNAPPED 😭😭😭

#I got VERY lucky tonight. Oh my god. It broke in my pocket on the car ride home and not during the concert #A problem for tomorrow (while I'm watching the new episode) because I have not slept in 3 days. Gonna go do that now 👍 #Does Amazon sell replacement phone charm straps? I feel like they would #Ignore my bag o masks in the background lol I keep a handful of disposable/reusable ones in there so I can grab one when I'm going out #Cruddy rambles #I'm seriously about to start crying over how grateful I am I didn't lose him. He was a gift from Callie!! #He's been with me since high school! #That's at least 7 years! Probably more! #Okay. Granted. When we lost contact I put him on my model pirate ship for a few years. #But still now that we're in touch again he's been coming out with me again #HE MEANS A LOT TO ME THATS WHAT IM TRYING TO SAY

[da-proti-toku-grem]

feeling like a total asshole today 👍

#an aunt's mom passed away yesterday night #i didn't really know her that much just spoke to her a few times for the typical merry christmas & happy new year you know #so when my mom told me i felt bad for my aunt bc i knew they were really close but i don't feel SAD #but my parents seemed to be like so shocked and sad and my little brother even started crying #and i felt absolutely nothing #idek what my mom saw in my face but she went like 'don't you feel anything?' and like wtf am i supposed to feel #like. i'm sorry for my aunt and everything but i just????? #that already made me feel like an absolute asshole but now we have to go there (like 2hours away by car) #and because i am an adult now i *have* to go to the funeral home (?) today and to the funeral tomorrow #and i REALLY don't want to and thought it's making me so fucking anxious bc i haven't been there since my grandma passed away 2 years ago #i really don't want that feeling that i felt back then to come back #not right now #not when i've been starting to feel a bit better this past week #but i'm already failing at that because they started to come back the moment i was told i have to go #and i feel like a fucking asshole because my aunt's mom literally passed away and she (and her whole family) must be heartbroken right now #and all i can think about is that i'm anxious #i'm anxious to go back there. i'm anxious just thinking that i'll have to express my condolences to people that i don't even know #i'm anxious because i'll have to TALK to people and at least try to look a bit SAD but i can't just fake it #bc if i don't look sad my brain tells me that i'm an asshole that doesn't have feelings like apparently everyone around me has #but if i fake it my brain tells me that i'm an asshole bc why tf do i have to fake my fucking personality #why can't i just express my fucking feelings like normal people do and the only thing that i know how to do is fucking complain #like. i know i rant a lot here but it's literally the only place where i talk about my feelings #i NEVER talk about my feelings with anyone because idk HOW to do it #i have like a million things in my mind that i want to tell my mom or my therapy for example but when i finally convince myself to do it #i just CAN'T. the thoughts won't leave my mouth because i don't know how to phrase them properly #so nothing ever leaves my mind unless i make a post here bc apparently writing my thoughts in english (my 2nd language) #is easier than talking in spanish #and at least if i write them here they don't just stay bottled up in my mind #but i'm too tired of myself and my stupid brain that tells me that i do everything wrong :/ #i'm gonna shut up now bc i once again reached the tag limit

[monty-glasses-roxy]

Hhhh maintenance to do maintenance to do but like. I kinda hate that I now have to think about Staffbot Lore for my stuff. Like yeah it bugged me a bit I never gave them the ability to be sentient before when I did the wet floor bots but I just. Kinda don't like 'em ngl

Like yeah story wise? Them being able to strike and shit is WILD and it opens up so many possibilities in terms of what CAN be done... But also things that's are too humanoid or designed to be human looking but not just don't vibe with me. I just sorta don't like 'em. It's not uncanny valley or anything I just have a dislike for hugely humanoid designs like them. I just really like my animals man. Like a special interest kind of love for animals and anthropomorphic animals from cartoons and games and stuff that has lasted a lifetime kind of thing, the human-esque ones just can't compete :(

Yet I'm gonna have to think about it now hhhh it's cool in concept and it's been on the back of my mind that there's so many Horrors and fun stuff to be had with them. I'm just favouritist towards the animal guys with the attendant as an exception I guess cause I forgot about them when I started this whoops

Like??? They can be characters??? They can be sentient and aware??? They can have their own names but ONLY if they're freed from the network??? They have a hierarchy but at the same time they don't because they're all the same just with different jobs??? As though it's been forced on them but they know better??? They're not the smartest but their skillset is vast??? A lack of uniqueness on the scale of thousands and thousands???? Just like humanity if we lacked our creativity???? Can they be creative????? Would they struggle not to be exact??? If they're freed would they even know what to do with themselves as they've never once had a lack of commands to follow?????

Oh wait I've already don't this on a more specific scale with just One Guy this is literally what I was talking about last night but not specific to this fucking sad wet beast I dragged out of the Tubes god damn well at least I know I've already done most of the work I guess. I can use that guy as a base for what to do with the thousands... And the Minis as a guide for other stuff cause they're my guide for everything like this normally...

Hhhh maintenance to do okay bye

#pop rox talks #wanted a quick ramble cause I'm procrastinating myself into an early fucking grave #i will cry if i carry on not doing the thing #i can say who the guy is if so desired i just like to keep things vague until i can do something with it unless prompted #maybe i can draw a bunch tomorrow i dunno i wanna draw and do plex history #and it's maddening cause i know i only want to do this as avoidance to self care that makes me feel fantastic and better about everything #like come on brain if you wanna feel good about life you gotta maintain it god damn #anyway okay bye #going to the pantomime in a bit bye will likely come back like :D later cause i love the pantomime #i will SOB if my executive dysfunction stops me from going this is a fuckng threat #okay bye bye bye bye #turning my internet off okay bye

[tardis--dreams]

I wish i could skip forward to December 23 already

#i cannot stand my own whining but god i hate my life rn lol #i mean it's all my fault but i don't see myself improving in this environment #i should just try to ignore myself for the next 3 weeks #i can start packing up and throwing away stuff i won't need here anymore and maybe I'll feel less stifled #idk #just get through it i guess #this weekend I'll be away one last time and then there's only 2 weekends left #then it's essentially only 2 more weeks because the last week doesn't even count #finals start in 2 weeks already so i should be occupied #i still haven't even started my paper i already asked for an extension for and should hand in in November #instead of October #i just need to start focusing on anything but food intake and exercise and my body and I'll be fine #the days only seem to go by so slow suddenly because i'm literally not doing anything but hate my current state #so tomorrow I'll work on my paper and go running or take a walk and I'll book my bus tickets for the weekend #I'll find some enjoyment in occupying my mind with anything but myself #(sounds wrong. but i guess my problem really is that I'm focusing too much on how i dislike everything about me and need to change it #while the solution would be to simply not care and live my sad little life) #void screams #(((affirmation: i will not cry myself to sleep tonight ♡ i will face another day without a mental breakdown over how Wrong i am ♡))

[isfjmel-phleg]

[

#random personal stuff #whining ahead feel free to ignore #despite all my best intentions I am not impressing anybody with this 'homework' #the questions are excessively personal and I don't think I can do what they want me to #so I'm going to get a bad grade in this and I'm afraid this lady might secretly dislike or be annoyed by me #hope not - no solid evidence - but this fear is always there #so I'm not sure that I'm looking forward to tomorrow #I'm apprehensive at least #pray for me if you think of it? #it's too personal and I'm going to disgrace myself crying in front of her or something #and maybe get scolded? anything's possible

[non-un-topo]

The humour of me being in too much pain to concentrate on my reading about disability justice...

#was going to say irony but i don't think that's irony #literally it's been so bad for the past few solid days. i've been stretching in the mornings and watching my posture #and i haven't been carrying anything at all or doing basically any physical activity. #maybe i need physical activity. but literally just walking puts me in so much pain. WALKING. #standing up hurts and sitting down is almost worse. it feels like awful aching pain in my bones. #top middle of my spine and the backs of my ribs. it's always right between my shoulder blades and i can't reach it #tried everything i can do for myself at home... i think i'm going to go to class tomorrow w a menthol patch and some robax #i can't carry my laptop tomorrow bc i'll be crying by the time i get on the subway home... #at least we'll be talking about disability! i.... guess i'm disabled.....? but all my disabilities are invisible so rip. #drawing today was probably a mistake but i was already in pain before i opened the program so. #went to bed like this woke up like this. every day every day every day every day

[queenlucythevaliant]

Okay, it's almost the end of the day and I simply couldn't resist joining in with @lovesodeepandwideandwell . Here's the last (and my favorite!) verse of "All Must Be Well" as performed by Indelible Grace.

#i miss being on the RUF worship team so stinkin much #and i miss choir #i love the opportunity that the hymn sing gives me even though it makes me long for better things #someone tell me if I'm being domineering please I know I do every single one of these #i really do love this song so so much #'we expect a bright tomorrow ' is such a perfect line to sing when you really really don't #when you're coming from class and your head feels like its been spun down in a centrifuge and you're afraid of being sick some more #just getting to go to large group and sing 'we expect a bright tomorrow; all will be well' #while my best friend played the drums and tried to make me laugh #i miss it i miss it i miss it #sunday hymn sing #how can i keep from singing #darn it I'm about to cry #pontifications and creations

[girlscience]

the fact it's been five fucking years and i still sob like a baby any time some character comes out and their parents accept them fucking sucks

#i did not expect to be so tense i started sweating and my jaw started hurting just from watching a silly episode of schitts creek #but here we are. #i do not like coming out stories. they are constantly stressful and i avoid them as much as possible #but i didn't know that's what the episode was going to be and then it was #and like i knew they weren't going to have his parents Not accept him but all the nerves were there #and then he told them and they just told him they loved him and wanted him to be happy #and i started crying #it just fucking sucks. all my friends know. day to day i don't think about it #but like earlier my mom asked if i wanted to do something with her tomorrow and i got nervous #because what if i do the wrong thing. what if i say the wrong thing. what if this is the day she decides i'm too queer and she brings it up #what if this is the time church gets talked about again and i can't hold it in #i have been on eggshells my entire life and i'm so fucking tired of it #i'm scared to even looking into transition. i don't feel like i can even try to date. i can't buy things i want cause what if they see them #what if i do and they stop talking to me. if i don't wait till my grandma dies will she disown me? #will i still get to see my cousins if my family finds out? will i get to go to holidays and birthdays and family dinners if they know? #it would be easier if i didn't care about them or i knew they didn't love me #but i do and i they do and so i'm scared #and i could just get it over with and be done with it and tell everyone #but i don't have a girlfriend and i'm not transitioning so what's the point #it seems stupid to tell them when i'm not changing at all. so why change my relationships with them #i don't know. i'm just fucking tired of it

[potatoesandsunshine]

sad about waypoint hours :(

#in honor of waypoint i will live every day like it's deduesday #austin reading that tweet made me laugh so hard i dropped a full cup of sprite on the kitchen floor #the movie watch-alongs had me in hysterics. and also just I loved the podcast i loved reading the articles it just sucks. #I have never laughed harder at a stream than the time they ran out of fuel during a race on motorsport manager #and savepoint... truly a swift kick of hope during some dark fucking times #i was kinda late to the waypoint party i think i started getting into it in 2019ish #and I'm not a discord or forums person so I won't be part of that community going forward and. I'm gonna miss it. #anyway catch me at seven in the morning in the chat for kotc tomorrow. i am making this post so that I don't bring the mood down over there #that's not even mentioning THE pride & prejudice analysis of all time from be good and rewatch it— #god and the whole thing where rob broke his stove. feels like just yesterday he was comparing himself to jesus on stream. #there's nothing i can say that hasn't been said better by smarter people but. i will miss waypoint. shoutouts for making me get into #disco elysium and also processing my feelings on fallout four and literally all the work everyone involved did. #gonna have a little cry and then wake up and watch the stream. gamers we just gotta keep on trucking.

[kiriona-apologist]

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#nightly lesbian ramblings but its me fully realizing the depths to which i contain (read bottle up) my emotions #and thoughts #i think i'm going to be braver soon #i think i'm going to work at that and i think it's gonna be hard #but i think i can do it #that's part of being human #right? #recognizing the problems of the self #or the quirks or the foibles #and examining them and acting upon that examination #maybe it's because i'm so hyped on caffiene i barely feel tired #but i think it's good for me #didn't have a full breakdown but did cry a little #and came to peace with losing the chance with this girl as we see less of each other in the future #she's becoming more a friend than a beauty i see infrequently #and i think that's the best thing that could have happened #and saying goodbye for a while tomorrow isn't going to be as hard #i'm hoping not anyway

[purplejan]

i really think i may have to start going to therapy again

#it's only week two and this semester really does feel like so much™ idk if i can get through it without going to therapy #today i spent my last class not paying any attention at all but trying so hard to concentrate on my breathing to not start crying there #i could have left but i always get so nervous about leaving in the middle and being disrespectful even though profs don't care aaa #at least i'm going home tomorrow so i hope that makes me feel a bit better and i'll have to talk to my mom about it and go from there

[lakemichigans]

alright well. alright. okay so. alright. alright.

#tlou spoilers #i very nearly had to turn this ep off and try again another time it was hurting so much #if you know me you know sibling dynamics especially protective older siblings hits me the hardest #this was especially hard with sam being so much younger and deaf #the way henry talked to him so kindly and made an effort to include him in every conversation #that was the first thing that hurt me so bad because it reminds me so much of when my brother was little #he's not deaf but for other reasons it was very difficult for him to talk to people on his own #i spent most of my childhood and even now being his sort of interpreter #so i knew this would cut deeper than ever but man this really really really fucking hurt #dont get me wrong i loved it #loved it? that's not the right word #i know this will sound crazy but this show is making me feel so... blessed? #i'm not even religious lmao but i just feel blessed and thankful that i get to experience this #i feel grateful to feel everything i'm feeling and to share it with others for the first time #i feel grateful that i can hug my brother and be reminded of how much he means to me #i'm just. yeah #i feel blessed that's really all i can say right now #i'll have more plot centric thoughts tomorrow lol i need to go cry some more

[tardis--dreams]

If this doesn't end Very soon I'll have to ask my professor to register my thesis in April rather than March because i don't think I can do this in the remaining 2 weeks in this state ahahaha

#I'm genuinely about to cry #also i don't dare to take my adhd meds which may be another factor that makes it difficult for me to work these days #I'll have to cancel that doctor's appointment tomorrow if i still feel like dying lmao #god I'm so done #i actually felt okay this morning #had a bit of vegetable broth and bland toast and feel like that was a mistake #but also #if i don't consume any kind of sustenance i will faint ♡ and i need to be able to at least sit up a little #as opposed to lying flat #I'm so mad #also not my mom being sad she probably won't be able to make the cake and great food she had planned for my birthday #sorry but you can still make that #and honestly if this isn't over by sunday i will literally throw myself into the sun #anyway #let's get this bitch of a thesis to 20 pages today (currently at roughly 10 ahahaha #with at least one page needing to be cut because i just repeated everything i already said #but theory part needs to be done today #I'm tired of this not going anywhere #literally my whole future depends on this getting done before march 31 ㅠㅠ #i know i keep saying i won't go to korea no matter what but damn I still want the opportunity :( #shut up amy #academic misery