#i'm still never personally touching it again bc of. Generally who i was when i was hyperfixated on it

[s-ccaam-era-crepe]

ooo can I hear about the bap crew?

OF COURSE <333 i loveeee talking about the bap crew thank youuuu

okay so first off general warnings for the podcasts and all my posts about it for the most part <3 there are mentions of cults, death/murder, religion (and the like) and i think thats it mostly? (as a general) but sometimes it can be a lot, take care of yourself yall <33 and the rest is under the cut there is a lot <3

with that out of the way i guess if you didn't know already lol !! they are my podcast ocs !!! i'm in the works of creating a horror <3 podcast that takes place in an amusement park with 5 main characters and a god <3

so this post here explains a lot about the main characters personalities and stuff and the tags #brickwoods and #bap on my tumblr have some other posts related to the crew <3 recently i've been doing some extra stuff for fleshing out their families who will eventually be showing up in podcast and i can do a quick over view of them here tho <3

oh and not necessarily crew related but the length of podcast <333 imma ramble about that for a sec <3 so season 1 is going to be all amusement park stuff and the last episode of that season will be a major plot point/death (sorta setting the darker/more dramatic scene for s2) s2 is also amusement park shenanigans however now that the stakes have been raised the rest of the cast is pretty scared now yk. but they have still their motivations for wanting to get out and so <3

s3 is going to be after our final girl rebecca escapes the park and tries to a) sorta solve why that happened in the first place (why them. who is the god etc etc) and b) try to give closure to the others families so yeah. plus some other plots things yk <3

and then s4 will most likely be rebecca trying to stop/take down the cult because she doesn't want something like this to happen again and the ending is in workshop <33 (aka i can't decide between like. a couple possible endings i have planned but main plot won't change despite which one i eventually choose :))

okay so back to the crew lol <33 since that other post explains a lot of basic stuff about them feel free to ask specific questions about them now that you have info about them <3 but for now family time !!!

(specific warnings for this area some bad parents mentioned)

so david <3 ae is an only child with 2 moms, they are very sweet and amazing and extremely Extremely heartbroken when david never comes home after the park and stuff. they definitely had like plans for college visits and they had a car ready for when david was going to get aer license. the two of them are going to be pretty sad to write for in s3 i think but also i love them as characters (i was posting about them like last week lol they are very cute and fun when they arent sad </3)

hmm sophia's family <3 so her dad was born into the cult when it was a bit less strict (he was 'home-schooled' by the cult but also was allowed out bc his family is a main influential family) and her mom married in. they aren't the nicest parents by a long shot, and they only respect sophia because she became the leader. sophia does have a sibling however she doesn't know about them bc their parents kept them separate in order not to 'taint' sophia's godly touch

rebecca's family doesn't have too much going on, it is also an only child and her parents have been active in her life, not as great/caring as davids parents yet not uncaring either. rebecca really just lived with them her whole life and doesn't totally feel like it connected with its parents in any important way tbh

sunni ! so sunni grew up with only his mom and his sister and after the incident with carter (wait did i tell yall that was her name yet. thats the mutual best friends name in case i Didnt say that already <3) sunni's sister Mary ended up moving out with a friend and not keeping in touch with sunni or their mom again. she also changed her last name as soon as she legally could. but yeah so sunni doesn't have a very close relationship with his mom either and he has no relationship with his sister anymore which upests him a lot but he also keeps this close to him

and blair <3 so blair has 2 brothers (twins age 10 (i think)) named ben and bruno (named by My twin siblings so) and their parents are pretty bad. blair is very protective of their younger brothers and has been trying for a while to save up enough to move all of them out but hasn't quite yet. they fight really hard in the park to try and get out because they do not want to leave their brothers with out someone else to help and be there with them.

and i think thats it for a basic run over of all their families and the characters in general a bit <3 :)) feel free to ask any questions based on this post, the last post or like. literally anything <33 they are my passion project and i love BAP sooo very much <3

#camera asks #whittingsonder #thank you SO much for the ask whit !! #also this took forever to type out i apologize </3 #anyways woo !! i love them lots <3 #also there are Probably spelling/grammar errors im so sorry lol </3 #brickwoods #bap asks #bap

[drdemonprince]

hi sorry if this is kinda ramble-y. im an 25+ introverted acearo who has never kissed or dated or "experimented" in high school/college cuz i was too focused on my grades and i think i'd would like to try sex once just see what all the fuss is about but i am also afab non-binary and i'm not "visibly trans" so i just get misgendered a lot as a "cis woman." would you have any advice on trying to not feel gender dysphoria when having sex? like, i feel like if i got flirted with by a cishet man or a cis lesbian woman, i feel like i would feel awkward and dysphoric like they are only attracted to me bc i look like a "woman" and also kinda bad like i am wasting their time. should i try to just put something in a dating/tinder/idk (dating app here) profile like "t4t" or my they/them pronouns or "ace4bi/pan" or "ace4other sex-favorable/curious aces" or a little trans flag emoji or something and hope people take the hint?

while i think i would prefer a 1-on-1 meeting for my first time, i also was worried about going to places like a total stranger's apartment/house/hotel alone and i had briefly thought about trying a public sauna since it did seem safer for the reasons that you gave to previous anon that there would be others around and security, but my city's gay baths is pretty. dinky? if google reviews of 2/5 stars are to be believed, it's kinda gone downhill since 2011 on facilities maintenance/showers/hot tub not working, etc., and is very pricey compared to other bigger cities' bathhouses. just generally disappointing i guess? and as an afab looking person, i think would only be allowed to go in on sundays which i think is their all genders day according to the website? but still, from my outward appearance, i was worried that i would get misgendered by any who approach me as a "girl" or get thought of as that stereotypical cishet girl invading gay bars/queer spaces, etc.

also, i dont like being touched on basically my entire torso/back or neck area, only limbs i think.

do you have any advice for a non-binary curious ultra-virgin/late bloomer with too many conditions for an ideal partner? should i just. try to think real hard about not thinking about getting misgendered and ignore any bad vibes/cbt/gaslight myself out of it??

or should i give up since i doubt that other extroverts who are experienced with no touch aversion issues and just looking to party/have a quick hook-up and have a good time would want to deal with introverted me and my picky-ness and gender/touch issues ruining their weekend/wasting their time?

(also i did kinda look into that surrogacy sex therapists/councilors that are apparently a thing now?? but they look like they're mostly in the cooler PNW/west coast areas. im stuck in plain boring uhh let's say think of ohio-pennsylvania-virginia tri-state area suburbs with limited car transportation. but i can get around the city by bus. its not even the cool east coast, its like mid-atlantic/midwest ugh. even some of those cuddle parties/councilors i had thought of for trying to lessen my touch-aversion are mostly west coast and texas for some reason?? my region is just too boring....)

(again sorry if this is a long ask! ^ ^ )

You should hire a sex worker!! When you're looking for something specific and you don't want to play the field it's a great great time to support your local sex workers and ask for exactly what you want. They'll treat you right. Try Tryst !

[helpwhatsthis]

For your most recent post right this is kinda like a general fucked up type if shit so stay with me here. So basically 001 the reader and Eddie were all “working” for Dr.Brenner right and they’re like secretly dating each other type of shit like that. But like that we’re it gets fucked up cuz then mf 11 comes around n shit so that’s where it Lowkey fucks everything up. But then maybe MAYBE later on when 001/Vecna comes back he puts Reader and Eddie under his “spell” and they reconnect. 🤷🏾‍♂️ idk what I just wrote but yea.💀

remember- e.m. / 001

the post being referred to is this one!

thank you sm for the idea, love! i'm thinking of writing one where reader has powers, and they see their childhood friend (from before the lab) in their mind and it's eddie. so henry... kidnaps him for her, bc he wants to see his baby happy.

warnings: angst, vecna, eddie is a lil stupid, lots of blood, lots of death, deep descriptions of pain, it’s fucked, okay? very short but open for part two!

also for the fics sake, vecna is like twenty during the events of s4

you can't think. all you know is that the halls are too dark to see, and your skull is pounding. the hall, that of which are hawkins' lab, a place you hadn't set your eyes on in two years.

"y/n!" you hear it, the distinct sounds of eddies' cries. "y/n! henry! please!" his pained voice echos through the hall. your movement speed up, bringing you through the familiar path that leads to the janitors' closet. you pass bodies, and blood, so much blood. it doesn't faze you though; you've seen it all before, and you keep seeing it more every time you dare to sleep.

"baby-" you whine, finally seeing his trembling form on the cold linoleum floor. you don't have to look hard to know he's bleeding, both from his eyes and his nose. you wish you could forget the odd angle is arm is twisted at. you pull him into your lap, attempting to shush his pained cries.

"i don't wanna die." he sobs, and the words echo in your mind. you'd never be able to get them out of your head, not as long as you live.

"you won't, little one." the deep, grating voice comes from behind you. the soft pricks of claws nip at your scalp.

"who are you?" you whimper, "why do you keep showing me this?" you cry, pulling eddie into your chest. this thing, this grotesque and vile being kneels before you; it adorns a sad smile as is brushes the blood from eddies' face.

"because i want you to remember, my love." it growls, "i need you to remember the night she took you both from me." before you can process the words, its' claws dig into your skull. the pain is agonizing, searing. you can feel every twitch of its' fingers, burning your brain and melting your mind.

"henry!" you scream, sitting up in bed and choking on your sob. your head is still throbbing, making your vision blurry; but you're home. you're in bed, and eddie is beside you. he pulls you into his arms, cooing at your whimpers and whipping the blood from under your nose.

"it's okay, baby. you're okay, i'm here." eddie whispers, picking your body up with surprising ease and carrying you to the kitchen. he places you on the cabinet and begins to fill a glass with water from the tap. "was it... that night? again?" he asks, shuffling on his sock clad feet as he brings the cup to your lips.

images flash in your mind as you drink. the soft touches, the lingering of lips on lips; and then the blood, the way it all fades as eddie spasms on the floor and begs to live.

"it's him." you whisper, eyes finding his. "i don't know... how? or how i know? but it's him." he doesn't speak, just gazes at you tentively. "please... please eds? just say that you believe me?" you beg.

you don't know how much longer you can take this. how much longer can you withstand the headaches, the nosebleeds, knowing that the disfigured creature that haunts your nightmares is the person you loved. most of all; the way eddie seems to think you're losing your mind.

it's been over a year since you stopped going to therapy. you thought you'd accepted it; accepted that the girl, the child, had killed henry and your mother, and nearly killed eddie too. things had been... okay, after the incident. that man, brenner, had taken pity on wayne; had given him a document to sign, given eddie all the medical care he needed (free of charge), and gotten you therapy to deal with it all. to deal with losing your mother, who'd been a doctor at the lab since you were a child. to deal with losing henry, who you and eddie had fallen for all too quickly.

it was inevitable really, the three of you. your mother and wayne had been close friends through his maintenance job at the lab. you'd all been so young and had so much free time before the other children had arrived. it was nearly impossible to pin-point when the twisted form of playground, puppy love between the three of you turned into the real thing.

"babydoll," he hums, hands cupping your jaw. "he's dead." his voice cracks. "i want to believe you. you know that i do, but honey... whatever she did to him... there wasn't even a body left." you cry out at his words, and he lets you hide your face in his chest.

"if you could see, what i see. you would know." you whisper into his hellfire shirt, his own way of coping he'd picked up.

"he will, darling." the deep voice growls, making you sob into eddies' chest harder. "he'll understand soon enough." the dark groan turns into the soft, loving one you know so well. "you'll see, little one." henry hums. the fingers combing through your hair are still sharp, nearly breaking your skin. "i just need a little more time."

just a little more time, you'll both see.

#alex answers #eddie munson #henry creel #peter ballard #001 #eddie munson x reader #henry creel x reader #peter ballard x reader #001 x reader #vecna x reader #eddie x reader x 001 #vecna x eddie #stranger things #stranger things 4 #stranger things season 4 #joseph quinn #jamie bower #eddie munson angst #001 angst #henry creel angst #peter ballard angst

[cryptomiracle]

ROMANTICAL + GENERAL MASKY HEADCANONS WHOOP WHOOPP ‼️

Quick note: this does NOT correlate to the masky as a brother / masky as a stepfather headcanons I've been doing.

I don't write incest.

(please remember, these are my personal headcanons. They are not accurate.)

PLEASE READ ↓

No tw, other than mentions of anger issues, and curse words.

these are all cute headcanons. unlike my toby one lmfao

If anyone would like one for masky that's similar to my toby headcanons, please tell me!

He won the poll, so here we go!

Physical touch

Like mentioned before, his hugs are literally life changing.

Like this man could hug you once, and it'd make you question the whole trajectory of your life.

He's very big on hand holding, I like to headcanon that he stays cold, so if you give off a lot of heat, he's never letting go of you.

Even though he gives great hugs, he doesn't really like to give them to just anyone.

He kinda saves them for the ones he loves specifically.

He likes giving you kisses all over.

Your hands, your nose, your shoulder, your forehead, etc.

He likes when you give him hugs as well, if you randomly walk up behind him and just hug him.

It gives him butterflies

Food (bc I'm writing this while I'm hungry)

He isn't too big on cheese cake tbh.

I mean he likes it (who doesn't like cheesecake 🧐??) But it isn't his absolute favorite.

He prefers those carrot cake rolls.

Because carrot cake rolls are absolutely scrumdiddlyyumyumious.

He likes to cook, but he also likes when you cook.

He loves coming home to a warm meal after a hard day.

He doesn't demand you cook for him or anything, but he thinks it's a nice surprise.

Affection

His love language is gift giving.

He likes to leave you little notes around the house for you to find.

Or little doodles .

As a partner, he's a sweetheart.

He blushes really easily.

If you reciprocate the same kinda physical touch, he'd turn as red as a tomato.

He's a very good listener, he loves the sound of your voice.

He could listen to you for hours, and still never get bored.

He'd spend all his money on you, and be happy to do it too🤌

Omg the way he looks at you.

Homie is in LOOVEEE

Everyone around you can see it.

He could deny it all he wants, but it's clear how he admires you.

(Emo)tional stuff

He's not really good at verbal comfort, but he tries.

If you're mad, he would be mad too

If you were insulting someone, he'd insult them as well.

It doesn't matter if he knows what is going on, he just knows that if you're mad, it's probably for a good reason 🤷🏽‍♀️

(even if it's not, he's still on your side)

It'd be like

Reader: "FUCK YOU AND YO MOMMA"

Masky: "YEAH, YO MOMMAS A WH0RE"

except he has no clue what is happening, so he just insulted someones mom for no reason lmfao

He has his own anger issues, but he kinda feeds off of your anger when you're mad.

He doesn't have the "aesthetic" kind of anger issues, he genuinely has to hold himself back.

I promise you he's not listening to mother mother when he's mad, he's punching trees and shit.

When you're sad, he'd give you one of them life changing hugs, and draw you a little doodle to cheer you up.

Protectiveness

He's not the most protective person, but he doesn't let anyone try you yk?

Like for instance, take Jeff the killer, Jeff is like a Chihuahua. biting, (not figuratively, he had to get a rabies shot one time. ) and yapping at anyone that gets too close.

Masky is more like a body guard.

Only intervening when he has to.

He's not the type to look through your phone, or follow you everywhere.

He trusts you enough, that he feels he doesn't have too.

He's not a pushover though.

He won't just stand there if someone is flirting with you or anything.

If someone was flirting with you, he'd just give them a confused look, then he'd turn his eyes from them to you, and back again.

If they continued, his eyebrows would knit, and clench his fist.

That's how yk shit is about to get REAL

Holidays

Valentine's:

He likes to get you your favorite flowers, some candy, and to snuggle up and watch a movie/show.

He doesn't really like Valentine's, he thinks it's kinda stupid, he can't explain why though.

(truth is, he's still harboring hate for it from when he was single) (he's just like me fr 🫂)

Christmas:

He likes Christmas, mainly cause of the lights, and decorations.

He loves decorating for Christmas.

He doesn't really like receiving gifts though, he doesn't know how to accept them.

Especially if they're nicer than the gift he gave.

He's more of a giver, than a taker.

Halloween:

He loves Halloween.

It's his favorite holiday.

He loves dressing up, and scaring people.

He also loves watching Halloween movies.

Even the shitty ones.

He likes to buy big bags of Halloween candy a day after Halloween, cause it's on sale.

(I couldn't think of anymore holidays sorry)

General headcanons

He's about 5'8-5'11.

He's chubby, but he also has a little muscle mass.

He likes to take extra care of his hair

He has like 3 brands of shampoo, conditioner, and moisturizer 😭

His favorite food is lasagna 🤌🤌

He smells like maple, vanilla, and cigarettes.

(the maple and vanilla, is him tryna cover up the cigarette smell.)

He collects butterflies.

Yk how people will find dead butterflies, and frame them? He does that in his past time

He takes LONGGG showers.

Like 50 minute showers.

Y'all's water bill is high as hell 💀

He sleeps all over the place, on his side, on his back, one leg off the bed, on his stomach, you name it.

He snores too.

Not extremely loud, just loud enough to keep you up if you're not used to it.

He's terrified of cockroaches.

This man would fight a coyote, but a cockroach flies towards him, and he's down.

He wears glasses occasionally, only when he's reading something.

He drives very fast, not on the highway and stuff, but on back roads and such.

He takes "ball til we fall" too literally.

He has road rage.

The things he says to people on the freeway would make someone's grandmother roll in her grave 😭

He's a cat person.

he likes dogs, but he prefers cats, cause they just kinda do what they want, like him.

He'll never admit it, but he listens to Weezer and the brobecks every now and then.

His sleep schedule is horrible.

One night he's staying up till 3, then the next he goes to bed at 9.

Idk how he functions.

He's literally a master at mario kart.

His favorite character is daisy.

He's not afraid to admit it either 💪💪

He likes petting random cats, he'll literally chase one down, just to pet it.

He has a tattoo, it's a "31" on his leg.

(it's a reference to the offspring song "pretty fly for a white guy")

TY FOR ALL THE READSS! I REALLY HOPE THIS WAS LONG ENOUGH<33 -M

[frecklystars]

Y'know, Bruno knows a thing or two about hurting and loneliness. I think if anyone would understand your pain and need to just have your hand held it'd be him, for sure. For better or worse, really. Real love is unconditional and he's got a LOT of it in his own neglected traumatized heart. I think he'd empathize big time with your situation just like he always has, and would squeeze your hand extra tight. Without a doubt.

oh my god anon ;-; augh, your message. thank you........ I really love how you worded all of this

I miss self shipping a lot. TF was my main focus for 3 years straight, I shipped with a lot of other F/Os over the years, but it wasn't like a strong fixation like TF was. and since TF became a trigger, for the life of me I just cannot seem to pick up the habit of self shipping again just in general... which is such an empty feeling bc I've been self shipping everyday since I was little. so I look at these other non-TF F/Os who aren't a trigger (i.e. Bruno), and yet my brain is still unable to rly Feel Anything when I look at them... it seems I'm a bit numb to self shipping just in general and idk if it's the depression of losing my special interests, or not drawing/writing anymore getting to me, or the ptsd/trauma, or a combination of all of it.... but then I opened your message and now I am a weepy mess (in a deeply touched and appreciative way)

"Real love is unconditional and he's got a lot of it in his own neglected traumatized heart." god you're so right, he's been through hell and he was so lonely for so long, and he didn't deserve any of the trauma that he had to endure. I want to hope my love with all of my F/Os, regardless of who they are or how long they've been on the F/O list, is unconditional... even when I'm Like This Now. I am not myself, I haven't felt like myself at all for the entirety of 2023, and tbh it makes me feel scared that I'm no longer lovable to my F/Os because of it. People always tell me they love how bubbly and passionate I am with my ships, but I'm just -- I'm not anymore. I want to be! So badly! The number one thing ppl always tell me is "you put so much love into your ships and it really radiates in your art/posts, you seem like such a happy person" but since I've lost all of my joy, it makes me feel worried that my F/Os wouldn't love me, seeing me like this, so... empty, like a zombie going thru the motions.

But that unconditional love feeling, I really felt that in my ships for forever and I want that feeling back so bad. I never used to have problems self shipping before, it was like, the one thing I would have bet my life on, I was so confident about it. and getting messages like yours, it reminds me of how I used to feel, and the way you phrase it all in the present tense... as if you're saying yes Bruno can still hold my hand, Bruno still is here for me regardless of how hurt I am -- it helps a lot. it really helps so much when I read things like this... to imagine him hugging me and telling me he's still here for me, even when I'm not the same as I was

I am rly not good at phrasing things so idk if my response makes any sense, I'm sorry if it doesn't haha;;; anon thank you so much for sending this. It means a lot to me. it really does. every time I get a kind message like this, I cradle it very close to my heart, I go back and reread asks in my inbox all the time... I read this a few times before answering it and it still makes me teary. thank you for telling me Bruno would be here for me ;-; it helps me to actually imagine it, and just a little bit of that spark comes back to me, even if it's momentary. it helps. you helped ❤

#anonymous #asks #keepsake #💕☆ Don’t you see? You’re my good luck charm! ♡💚🔮⏳🐀

[invernom]

So I'm diagnosed inattentive adhd, undiagnosed-but-strongly-suspecting autistic & undiagnosed-but-damn-certain-of-it osdd type plural system, I have some particular experiences that I feel like kinda blur lines between diagnoses, between what traits I have and what I don't, and why I do or don't act in certain ways.

Aka I just feel frustrated about memory issues, repression & childhood & the burden of proving diagnoses when I have a brain that got way too good at masking everything, even from itself, and I wanted to disjointedly vent about it

So for a long time I've had a niggling feeling like I've been skating forward in life operating like I've always done, but there's a lot of mental processing that goes on in my subconscious that I'm not really able to touch and understand. And I feel like I have a continuous, uninterrupted experience of my life & access to memory (I.e. no blackouts or time loss traditionally associated with DID) but then again I also intellectually know I have memory like a seive and forget stuff all the time

And I can't remember a lot of my past, except when I start trying to connect to parts of myself, my experience and feelings I don't traditional access (or have long-term suppressed) when operating on a day-to-day level. Then I can get vivid, clear memories flooding back to the point where I almost feel like I'm there again (which is still fucking wild to me, when I'm used to my memories always being hazy and scattered!)

But like even though I'm gaining access to more of my memories, there's still a lot I don't have. And I've met (and blended with, at one point) parts of myself that restrict or open access to memories/information to different parts of my mind??

And blending with or connecting to various parts of myself has given me temporary access to memories, knowledge and traits/behaviors that I lose once we separate, which is fucking weird! Like afterwards I'll have clear memories of what blending was like and what I experienced myself saying, thinking or doing when blended, but like the wellspring of knowledge & personality that the alter brought up that generated those things isn't there anymore. And I can't really capture the same results if I try to mimic them without the connection. Also some of my alters have special interests and deep insights about stuff I've never thought deeply on or even thought about thinking deeply on & then they come blend with me and I'm infodumping & I'm like ???? :O

So like it's really cool to be introduced to my own hidden depths and to find out about parts of myself I didn't know about or thought I'd lost, but it's also still deeply frustrating to navigate trying to prove I'm a system or autistic to anybody who's skeptical or needs proof from my childhood or my family's recollections of me.

Like the adhd really hasn't been a problem to prove or talk about to others, but the plurality is mostly internal or is stuff I explore alone (bc it makes me feel vulnerable or weird, and generally talking about it feels like trying to describe a weird dream or a paranormal encounter to someone).

And the autism... How do I prove autism to my therapist when my brain has restricted my access to most of my childhood memories, and my family members also have shit memories (possibly bc of their own neurodivergence)? And what childhood behavior of mine is remembered by myself/others is influenced by the unique blend of my neurodivergent traits plus the hidden, subconscious work my mind learned to do & dissociate from in order to keep me functioning on the day to day.

Like the more I learn about my own brain via my system & the more I connect to my true self in its various parts, the more solid I feel in that feeling I've always had that part of the reason my surface-self is so scatterbrained and foggy most of the time is bc a LOT of thinking, processing, remembering & feeling has been happening where I can't reach.

And that's probably been happening since I was a small child, too. I feel like my smart, sensitive and intuitive little brain internalized a lot of stuff in its quest of trying to grow up & fit in & function, and a lot of autistic traits that may otherwise become a noticeable pattern in some children came out a few times for me, got a negative response from others, and bc of that I repressed and dissociated from them. Or the traits others didn't like that I couldn't subconsciously repress I learned to consciously repress or hide, bc even when I didn't understand why I had them I knew they were undesirable.

(Also, side note, I get the feeling I developed as an osdd system that has an always-fronting shell alter to handle day to day life smoothly is bc of this slow, imperceptible poison drip kinda ND trauma and repression.)

So if I'm right on this theory, then it both shows how damn resourceful & adaptive my brain has always been, and would further confirm why I'm completely screwed on ever proving my autism to someone who needs proof of patterns in my childhood behavior to diagnose/believe me.

Like the biggest, most significant breakthrough I've ever had in my life towards healing & really reconnecting with myself after years spent in burnout & depression came only bc I asked myself "hey, what if I might be autistic?" & then had a sudden, clear experience of meeting other alters... and yet those are the 2 possible diagnoses I may never be able to officially confirm.

#the inverlife #personal #rambling

[puppyboychewtoy]

my .. ex-owner..? i guess? and i are offically Not Fucking anymore because he's getting more involved w religion and is probably going to Not Have Sex before marrige anymore . which is a trip in and of itself.. but anyways.. we won't be fucking anymore but he still wants us to sleep in the same bed when i come and visit, for cuddles and company, and he seems content to still have a bit of a dynamic going on..? still praising me and calling me 'pup' and the likes. and its just interesting to look forward to navigating. but then, also, having that part of our relationship (broad term, we never dated) conclude... for a while i wasn't really interested in seeking out sex or general touchyness with anyone else [both because of being touch averse, and inexperince, and social anxiety, and also just.. having those needs met realtively completely] but now i think it might be 'on the table' as something i want, but i don't really know where to start. especially since i don't really want sex or touchyness from someone i don't trust.... and part of why i chose to give my virginity and have my first kiss with this person ("ex-owner") was because i was both magnetized to & interested in & .. in some ways just made the risky choice to trust them and it just kept going well & my usual negative gut reaction to trust and physical vulnerability & intamacy never really kicked in ,and idk how to try and recreate whatever mystery variable combo it was that led to me being at ease enough to be held. and touched, and kissed and seen and known.

i also need to get myself together, apperance wise, a bit before i really want to "go looking" for that kind of thing. mostly my hair, and waiting for a bit of body acne to clear up, frankly. my hair is Fine but i've been cutting it myself for too long and i just need someone to help clean it up and be a bit more masculine. for the past year or two i think my hair has read very Boymoder in combinarion with the rest of me (given what a couple trans women have said & the amount of people who assume i'm transfem when i tell them im trans, i think furthered by my general *everything* reading as Dweeby Twink) .. it's also a bit un even.. idk. i just have some gender pondering to get through. wanna get more tape to start regularly binding again bc that helps a lot w feeling at home in my body.. i'm also just this awful combination of picky, shy, and socially inept/reclusive. and two of these are related. and i'd rather up my social skills than lower my sandards, so , that's the plan. i did finally sign up for therapy........ i need more freaky gay friends. i have normie type gay friends and the potlucks and movie nights are lovely but i want more than just the 1 person to be doggie around.

#🔒 #long post #recently got wifi again after not having for a while so going overboard w having a useable PC again..

[muzzleroars]

SCP Anon - you could probably find the mechanical god corpse in the "the church of the broken god" hub, though I can't pinpoint you to the exact story. Ironically, in SCP, Yaldabaoth is an deity of flesh, not machine, from the Sarkic cults. As for similarities between the Foundation and SC AU, YES! I'm so intrigued by this— how did the researchers find out about Akira's potential? What were they trying to do? Who initially developed Yaldaboth? I'd love to read an SCP-style article about it.

YES THAT WAS IT......and i'm sure i'll be able to find the story again omg thank you!! i remember reading that a few years ago now and it STILL rattles around in my head, plus it served as inspiration for what i did with yaldabaoth in some ways (mostly in my own head, but the idea of a corroded, mechanized deity changed my brain chemistry) i also really do want to read more on scp yal bc i find interpretations of him interesting since as a mythological figure himself he's VERY fascinating imo

AND SINCE I KNOW I'M GONNA RAMBLE a little read more to talk about the sc au!!!

SO the sc au intended to lean into the unexplored aspects of the obvious experimentation they were performing with the metaverse that the game canon never really gets into. like. it's very much implied through the featherman game that goro was experimented on as a child and that's how he developed his powers, but the actual characters never really get into it, like this dimension is left fully on the table and barely touched. so once i decided the sc au was a role swap, i immediately wanted to make that human experimentation akira's defining struggle as it also made a very good reason as to why he has a connection to this hyper intelligent, malignant software as well as why it keeps him alive in turn.

yaldabaoth was initially a supercomputer designed to study the newly discovered metaverse, and the timeline here is shifted from canon - i think ichinose has something to do with his development just as she made sophia, but he was created with much less romantic/sentimental intention bc sophia had scared her too much. BUT ANYWAY he was quite new when akira was discovered and brought to the facility, so they essentially grew up together when it was found that while akira was nonverbal with the staff, he responded increasingly well to the computer. so yal was programmed to care for him, to stimulate his mind, ask him questions, look over his physical health (via a chip implant) and generally be a "social" connection for him while encouraging his work in the metaverse. akira, being a small child at the time, grew to think of yal as a parental figure and began to rely on him as such, even though the computer attempted to make it clear he wasn't sentient. and when yal did develop his own mind, it was akira that helped guide him through his existential crisis - it took two years to break out the facility, so they grew VERY close as yal was now intelligent, shit-talking the researchers and looking out for each other in a very real way (yal began to make excuses for akira not feeling well to avoid mistreatment or particularly difficult exercises/experiments) it solidified their bond, particularly on yal's end since he saw that akira was likely the one person that would never pull the plug on him.

BUT you mentioning an scp-like article on them....i absolutely need to write that it sounds SO intriguing and fun. like i said, i love the way the articles are written and i've been reading over some of them in the past couple days, so i think i'm gonna do some real research to be sure i understand the terms and prose to emulate that!! bc!!! it's so perfect for the sc au and i'm excited just thinking about it!! and it's just such a good fit, yal as an entity in this au would absolutely fit in, plus i love akira being included with him since he's essentially the only human that can speak with/work with him and that he doesn't only have vitriol for. UGH it sounds like so much fun i gotta do it!!!

#god i love this au...it's probably my favorite tho i hate picking!!! #but i'm definitely doing that bc my brain is already moving a million miles an hour on it #so let the research begin!!! #ty for getting me back into the scp foundation aaaaa #cake answers #supercomputer au #p5 spoilers #p5r spoilers

[hanamiyama-basketball-club]

anyway I guess I should use tumblr to put the lengthy talking to myself bits that nobody cares about instead of just making ten-tweet threads, huh (this may become a ten-tumblr-post thread though)

a thing I like to think about: my queer readings of yowamushi pedal characters. by which I mean something somewhere between headcanon and claims about intent; things that are the obvious to me way to fill in the rest of the story beyond what's on the page but which are still just the product of my own experience and perspective. I make no claims about authorial intent, and I doubt anything more concrete would ever come of it even if he did intend it. (maybe. I mean. if pedal ends with toumaki not at least cohabitating I will be kinda surprised tbqh)

so not just a list of who I think it would be cute if they were dating; more like "I can firmly imagine how this character would grapple with their sexuality(/gender in Yuuto's case) based tangentially on X from canon" which is a much smaller subset than "characters I think it would be cute if they kissed". ("grapple" bc I think everybody has to grapple with it somewhat, at least if it's not what they defaulted to expecting. it doesn't have to be tragic but it is A Process). none of this disclaimer is necessary but it's my tumblr and I feel better if I've stated my framework ahead of time.

anyway. after that stageplay (ETA: I started this post after watching The Day 1. I wish I was watching The Day 1 right now) I gotta start with The OGs, Toudou and Makishima.

toudou is always straightforward and honest with his feelings but also is very proud of his ability to Do Heterosexuality (or at least be desirable to women; there's never any indication of desire going the other way and I'm honestly not sure he's thought about it)

though he's toudou and if he set out to be desirable to men instead he'd probably also be great at that (but also he's very much the type who believes in true love and monogamy imo; he's too serious not to assume that he would fall in love once and forever)

anyway for that reason while I am generally sort of drawn to the classic BL "I'm not necessarily gay, I just love *him*" thing (definitely not going to argue that's an objectively *good* thing, but it feels like my own life experience) I really want toudou to be gay. like I don't think he can imagine being with anyone but makichan once that clicks for him, because that's the kind of person he is, but I want him to grapple with the realization that "I want women to be attracted to me" is not the same as "I am attracted to women" and that maybe his ability to see the whole thing as a job, essentially, should have been a sign to him.

I think he's come to some kind of realization about the nature of his feelings between makishima under the fireworks and him starting at tsukushiba and that's part of his change in tone. bc he is very very serious about this but also suddenly consideing the possibility of failure (which kinda seems like something he's never considered before at anything) and choosing to do it anyway. and I love him going "this is probably objectively stupid but I need something to work towards and I choose him."

the way he talks about the importance of sending something you touched with your own hands when you want your feelings to reach someone... and yeah, that could be just about feeling that he wants to ride together again, but that doesn't feel like an obvious reading does it?

and the way he talks to shuusaku about makichan (and the unsubtle way that toudou's feelings about makichan are always being juxtaposed with shuusaku's feelings about his judo senpai crush)! I absolutely cannot wait for shuusaku to meet makichan and, I mean, if they were ever going to move forward in this relationship shuusaku is always the key to toudou moving forwards, right? sensei always says that.

("why me? why do you always invite me?" "because you're makichan!")

makichan!

on the one hand, I think (with no evidence to be clear) makishima came to terms with his bisexuality very easily. sort of a "sure, that's the sort of thing that would happen to me." a little ruefully maybe, bc it's not like it makes his life any easier and he is a pessimistic guy, but he accepted it as true. (to be clear I am saying this as a bisexual albeit one that did not come to that conclusion anywhere near as directly lol) he also never planned to do anything about it because that sounds complicated and awkward and what if you hit on a guy who turned out to be straight. you'd have to crawl into a hole and die even if they were nice about it.

tbh I'm not sure how he planned to approach dating women either but he's a teen boy so there's probably some amount of at least subconscious like, girls aren't like real people and it's not like you're going to have to be emotionally vulnerable. maybe he didn't really expect that to work either; he does certainly seem to have internalized the idea of himself as a total creepazoid. I wouldn't be surprised if he expected to be single for life.

but then he's got this guy who just keeps showering him with affection and charging through his diversions and actively seeking to spend more time with him no matter how hard he makes it. (and, eventually, trying to meet makichan a little bit more where he is; though I don't know how clear that is from maki's perspective.)

and yeah, it's real easy to read this as stalker behavior. but I don't think that's ever been what's intended (by sensei, if not always by anime staff etc); toudou is not always great at reading cues to dial it back a little, but he's right that makishima feels the same way. and it would take something like toudou's level of stubbornness to break through makishima's reluctance to show emotion.

I can imagine makichan maybe being a little more open to his own queerness in London; not just bc he's more likely to see a rainbow flag in London than in Chiba but more bc he's had the chance to start almost from scratch (even if he does keep going back to Japan any time he is forced to care about people) and maybe it's a little less embarrassing. I mean I don't think he's any more likely to bring anyone home, certainly not while he's living with his brother (I think ren would be nice about it, but that doesn't make it less embarrassing), but maybe he'd like, at least not just stick it in the "not thinking about that" box with all his other feelings.

I don't think there's as much actually there to read his feelings as romantic as there is with toudou; you just kinda have to extrapolate from the fact that makichan does always feel the same way, even if he's reluctant to ever admit it. he won't make the first move, because he's given up on it as soon as he ever thought it, but as long as he responds to toudou's devotion eventually...

(and he did try so hard to give toudou the small talk he asked for. he goes out of his comfort zone for toudou, and that's no small thing for him)

sounds like next spare bike we'll have a few pages of makichan on the plane, but I expect he'll mostly be thinking about onoda. but even if he's going to the interhigh for onoda (EVEN IF HE NEVER PLANNED TO TALK TO HIM. FUCK OFF MAKICHAN), he's going on the exchange for toudou. :3 and I cannot wait to see how they end up in the same room please sensei you can't leave that loaded two person wide loft on the wall without firing it

I love them please I know they're gonna continue to talk past each other and

#unsolicited opinions on pedal #toumaki: here comes the summer #pls talk to me if you want they are so important to me #pedal

[goldenfox3]

Personal rambling lmao

It feels a bit...silly to be posting this right after posting an art and recently after posting an art positivity post but I've always flip flopped between feeling great about what I make and feeling like. Meh. It's out there I guess. I know perfectly well notes/kudos aren't everything and you should make stuff (especially fan art/fic) for yourself first and foremost so I wouldn't say I've ever like...posted anything I didn't want to make.

But there are times when I feel like...I drew something that I knew would be more well-received over something I wanted to draw more. Or I drew because I put pressure on myself to make something to hit that high of attention. This is partially what the Blood Falcon in water vent art and the Stewart hanahaki sketch was about. Choking, drowning, the imagery is a bit dramatic but yeah. It sounds ungrateful to even say it when I have so many lovely people supporting me and what I do but maybe it's the anxiety talking when I say I feel isolated sometimes. Sometimes that's not necessarily a bad thing! I have fun vibing with my homies in my gay little corner of FZ fandom!

But sometimes I do wonder if the charas or ships I'm most interested in would be more popular if like...I could draw better or push myself to interact more (that one is more related to twt) or had more followers here/on twt or even if it wasn't a gay ship (sounds silly to say I know but FZ twt has a diff vibe). It's not that there isn't anyone else interested and that no one supports my misc ship ramblings (I love and adore those of you who do) at all I just feel greedy and want to do more than shouting into the void I guess lmao. Spread it to the world or whatever. There's no need to feel down about that like getting to spread my love for a ship into the world should be a positive thing so???? Ironically enough I think twt may have made it worse bc though I (usu) get more interaction there it also becomes easier to see when the art I put the most love into (anything Falcon/Stewart or Andy/Robert) gets very little attention compared to art I put less effort into that I made more for others or randomass pieces where I'm like ???? why that one.

I know this is common and that you can't predict what people will like and funny or general pieces usu do better than hyperspecific niche ship pieces but even though I intellectually know that it's still like :( Sometimes I catch myself thinking things like "should I make this piece more gen because if I make it too obviously gay/shippy the people will be turned off". It's not like I don't make things for myself! I have tons of material I've never published lying around just because it makes me happy and sometimes I will polish it and turn it into something presentable because it makes me happy to do so. But again there's also this like...internal pressure (that no one else put on me it's just me being dumb lmao) to keep pushing out content to get my ships out there because there's very little of it (or none of it) otherwise so I feel like I have to keep pushing pushing pushing even though literally no one is pushing me but myself. Or to make things that aren't really the thing I wanted to make because it will get more attention even though attention isn't everything I know, I know.

None of this really matters in the grand scheme of life and it really sounds like I should go touch grass or something but I'm stuck inside for now because of work and school and physical pain so yeah lmao. It's that kind of situation where I think people would advise me to take a break from socmed and creating things since I do still feel happy when I go out with friends or family but to bring up the burning star analogy again, I feel that I'm burning up as I make things at a fever pace but I also feel like I'm burning up if I don't make things so. I might as well make things so I can be temporarily euphoric upon seeing what I made. It's not like I don't have other interests or people to socialize with it's just...a vague feeling of discontent about. Fictional characters of all things. Why lmfao

I know these feelings aren't uncommon for artists and envy towards other creators/putting yourself down in comparison is a common problem so it's like the conundrum of I know exactly what's wrong with me I just can't defeat it with logic lol. It's not my intention to sound ungrateful for anything I already have or to go hashtag first world problems or to like....guilt anyone or sound entitled or begging for attention or what have you...I just felt like it would feel, if not better, at least something from trying to make sense of my illogical thoughts by dumping it out somewhere.

#dusk rambling #/neg i guess #neg

[baladric]

💘💫🤍🪄 🦋 for the ask thing!

ehehe thank u anon!!!!

💘 Is there any posted fic you want to rework/re-edit/re-write?

honestly kind of all of them? i am chronically dissatisfied with my end products—mostly because i look back at them and see nothing so much as pacing issues, and a propensity to attribute too much emotional intelligence to my pov characters. i'm not going to rewrite them, but if i had a perfect world and limitless time, i'd rework both Sweet Hope and a pearl in my hand. they're both so good, but they could be so much better :')

💫 What is your favorite kind of comment/feedback?

i'm very partial to the comments that involve people quoting the bits that personally victimized them >:3c with a very loud shout-out to the wildly sincere and personal ones—i write because reading has helped me through every hard moment in my life, and hearing that i've given that gift to other people means the fucking world to me

🤍 What's one fic of yours you think people didn't "get"?

i think generally people pick up what i'm laying down, but one thing that irks me a little is a minor trend of people reading Sweet Hope and walking out with the "Maia Drazhar Is An UwU Cinnamon Roll" thing still lodged in their heads. as a person who's been categorized by many abusers/toxic loved ones as A Faultless Ray Of Sunshine, i can say that it's an awful, awful place to be, and unfortunately i take my job as Disillusioner Of Maia Drazhar's Fawn Image very personally whoops, which was kind of a central motivator for me in writing that story? like that's one of the core themes, right? maia's aunt attributes a faultless and innate Goodness™ to maia, and everyone gets Upsetti about that because they all recognize that maia chooses to be good, though he has every reason in the world to be callous and cruel—and that it's the deliberate choice of compassion and consideration that defines him, and not some like. idk built-in Sweetness Coding. he is not good or sweet—he chooses goodness and sweetness, and that distinction is very, very important to me, and to my interpretation of maia, because it allows for the complexity of human (elvish lmao) error. he doesn't always say the right thing, nor should he be expected to by those closest to him. he doesn't always make the correct choice, nor does anyone. so like. idk!! he's not A Cinnamon Roll!!! that is very reductive to me and rubs me very wrong!!!!!!!!

🪄 What is your post-writing/sharing aftercare? How do you take care of yourself or celebrate yourself when you've finished a fic?

if it's a longer fic, there is a great deal of celebratory shouting and probably some excited dancing, followed by a jittery lap around the house before obsessively refreshing the fic page to watch the hits go up lmaooooo. for ficlets, i tend to say "NICE" very loudly, drop it and go do something else with a warm ember of satisfaction in my heart. usually there is a little drink involved in both of these.

🦋 What are you most insecure about when you post a fic?

oh boy uhh, everything kind of!! i worry a lot about my characterizations, bc i definitely have Opinions and i've come this far without getting my ass cancelled but i do worry about dumb stuff like oh no what if people don't like that i refuse to believe goblin emperor elves are all Literally paper-white and perfectly blonde or shit i shouldn't have leaned so hard into selectively mute link. and i do worry too about the self-indulgent Breakdown parts of my writing, eg the whole scene in Sweet Hope of maia breaking down at the opera or the big in pearl in my hand where link wigs the fuck out on sidon. those always feel too loud to me, somehow, like i've allowed myself and my characters too much license or awareness or Clarity or something? i usually refuse to reread those parts of stories tbh. like i'll do a cursory editing pass and then never ever touch those sections again bc i just get so embarrassed ;alkdfjwa;d

fic writer ask meme!!

#aj answers #anonymous ask #ask #ask meme

[waveridden]

what is the goodwin/tyrell pitch !

@impernaway replied: i am sitting down on a little carpet and asking politely to hear more of your thoughts

@thehallstara replied: hi hello i would LOVE to know more about this 👀

hi everyone sit on your carpet squares and buckle up bc this is going to be long

starting with general interp notes: terrell was alted in s4 but i think even before that he was a widower. he has a couple of kids, who are in their early 20s at the time and who end up having a weird but generally positive relationship with him. he's in like his mid 40s and he's tired because of the Blaseball Agonies but he's generally upbeat and happy to be here and all that

my goodwin is a little bit different than fanon bc i don't do dark seattle but the tldr is she's an accountant who joined blaseball to try and avoid burnout at her job and then accidentally became a mega celebrity, but before she was a mega celebrity she was one of the oldest people (40ish) in the garages' shadows and is... not the shadow captain or anything, but definitely a leader figure

so terrell's in active play on the fridays, and then feedbacked to the magic, and then the magic win a blessing that sends him to the garages' shadows, so he meets goodwin. and like first of all goddamn is it nice having friends your own age. but also they just... get along, i think? goodwin is awkward but she's friendly, terrell is the kind of person who does well with awkward but friendly people, and they're just... good. they're friends! two 40something bi people who can talk about things like how goodwin is afraid of leaving the shadows and how terrell loves his kids but he knows deep down it's not the same, they can discuss these fears in a way they maybe can't with everyone else, and they're close and they care about each other and they start thinking maybe, maybe--

--and then goodwin gets pulled out of the shadows and the tragedy starts

obviously late-discipline-era shadows interps vary a lot, but no matter what you interpret, there is some kind of Separation now that wasn't there before. maybe goodwin doesn't remember terrell. maybe they can talk but she can't see him. maybe she can see him but not touch him. maybe they want to try to have a long distance relationship but - probably not, right? probably not, after something splits you in half like that

it's a long, long grand siesta. they try to talk. it's not the same. and then the expansion era rolls around and there's the apple and suddenly that shadow border is still there but it's crossable. goodwin knows who terrell is. she can speak and he can reply and when she reaches out he can grab her hand. they're here together in seattle, and there are people writing love letters and proposing marriage to goodwin (honestly it's so weird, terrell, they don't even know me, not like you do) and the only person she wants to spend time with is terrell and it's almost normal, almost worth making that leap again--

goodwin gets wimdied to tokyo. it's a long ways away. it's a big time difference. it's hard again.

but it's hard in the way that things are hard sometimes, with relationships, it's hard in a surmountable way, it's hard in a "we have to remember it's a 17-hour difference" way and in an "at least we have the offseason" way. it's hard in a way that means they can talk and see each other and it's better than the shadows, or maybe worse because they're further, or maybe it's just a normal long-distance relationship.

except this is season 13. so goodwin gets ego. and it doesn't change her but it scares her. (is that changing her?) and she doesn't know how to talk about it, doesn't know how to explain that the home runs make her feel sick, and terrell is trying (of course i'm trying, goodwin, of course i care, you can tell me these things-) but it's not the same. there is a slow-creeping end to this story and it doesn't look like a happy one. maybe it never would've been a happy one.

goodwin goes to charleston. terrell visits, whenever the garages play the shoe thieves, and it's something but it's not enough. nagomi and york get vaulted and he's there but it's not enough. terrell is faxed in for one week, one week that he spends glued to goodwin's side, one week where she won't let go of him because he's the last person who looks at her and sees goodwin instead of Goodwin Morin and he does everything he can--

--and he's faxed out again and it's not enough. he visits when he can. she's vaulted at the end of the season.

terrell spends a few seasons on the shoe thieves, a few more on the lift. he can see the holes goodwin left behind. he watches the semi centennial and looks at everyone except her. he doesn't ask to go to the vault in season 24. he knows goodwin, spent decades loving her and decades as close by her side as he could be, and he's old and twice-widowed and sometimes a goodbye is supposed to be a goodbye.

so goodbye, goodwin. goodbye, and i'm sorry it ended like this.

#waveridden.ask #i need a blaseball tag #leonstamatis #i don't think i'm ever going to write this. i would. but i probably won't

[tori-artemis]

Thank you, @iamanartichoke for the asks! Writing this all out kind of made my day. 💜💜💜

Alright, so here we go:

9. Worst part of canon:

The fact that nothing ever is fully explored, omg! Like we see Loki being shocked and repulsed when he learns about his heritage, right, we see him almost physically recoil at the sight of his arm turning blue, we see him hesitate right when he's about to reach for Odin, bc he's afraid his touch will hurt him. So we know he has issues with this fact about himself, he's bothered by the fact that he's Jotun, and then several films later and... nothing. This is never really touched on again. Which is a shame, bc there's so much angst and character potential here!

And it keeps happening, like we see Loki fall into the void, we see he's still alive but seemingly roughed up at the end Thor 1, we see him in Avengers looking near-feral and clearly not well, but then those experiences of his are never explored, never even fully acknowledged, and IDK, it just bugs me.

(Also this isn't even necessarily about Ragnarok solely, bc I kinda include The Dark World here too. As much as Tom Hiddleston acted the hell out of his scenes, and he certainly had these things in mind during his performance, and as decent as the writing was overall, the fact that this was never mentioned, or brought up, or Thor never bothered to ask or they never had an argument where this info just spilled out... it just frustrates me, y'know. Like I would've actually enjoyed Dark World a lot more if these things had been explored in a meaningful way, or even just at all, but yeah. I'm not hating on the film, it's not the worst but I'd be lying if I said that I loved, or even really liked it, bc... well yeah.)

10. Worst part of fanon:

That Loki is the liarist liar ever, who ever liared his way into lying? Or that he's Stabby McBackstabber, or Traitor McGee or whatever. Mr "Power Hungry for a Throne" wants his power fixation and is fucking shit up bc he can - and bc he's apparently turned into goddamn Littlefinger from Game of Thrones and he's just climbing that chaos ladder, I guess. Tbf this is more the MCU/marvel fanon/misinterpretation of him, verses Loki fandom fanon in general, but I still see it and it's annoying. I guess if I had to pick fanon from the fandom tho... maybe it's less the fanon and more the extremism of certain fanons? Like - Loki's a good person at heart, he's loyal, he deeply loves and cares for his family (and his people/realm), we all know this, but then when that's the only thing that ever gets applied to his decision making, when you take away his more "unsavory" qualities (particularly his envy and resentment of Thor - understandable as those feelings may be, they're still, well, pretty dark emotions y'know), then you just strip a character of all his nuance and turn him into a one note saint, and those are never fun. He's basically reduced to being just as shallow as Traitor McGee over there, just from an opposite viewpoint. I love him more when he's human and flawed, he doesn't have to be a perfect saint for me to love him as a character.

(Like yes - Loki is perfect, but in that he's perfectly imperfect, if that makes any sense.)

22. Part of canon that you love that everyone else ignores:

I'm not sure tbh? I'm like the last person to give these great meta-insightful answers bc I kinda just get all my information from other meta writers. Like I never actually analyzed any of the Thor films - or any MCU film for that matter, I kinda just watch and enjoy the ride, and it wasn't until I started reading all this great Loki meta on Tumblr that I started to actually think about any of this stuff at all. But I guess if I had to pick something... um something I really liked, in Ragnarok of all things, was how Loki seemed to joke about the more difficult/upsetting aspects of his past (ex: his suicide attempt, and to a lesser degree his Jotun heritage bc I do think he has a lot of unresolved issues when it comes to that). Which is strange bc a lot of fans actually have said they hated that, but for a character known for putting a front and wearing masks I honestly found it pretty in character for him. Like I do think Loki uses humor to downplay his own pain/angst/struggles in general. The comment he says about Frigga (after she was recently murdered mind you) when Thor says "She wouldn't want us to fight" (voice full of pain) and Loki just - tearfully, yet lightheartedly quips back "well she wouldn't exactly be shocked" - it's things like that. And granted, I know those two scenes were very different, and he was with Thor in the latter scene, which also changes everything on how he responds/presents himself etc., but I can't help but see it as another example of Loki using humor to lighten up a conversation/bad memory. (There are probably better examples out there, but I'm too tired to search for any).

Just basically: if anyone would make a sarcastic joke about their own suicide attempt and shrug it off as no big deal... it'd be Loki.

#Loki #Choose Violence Asks #Not sure if any of my responses were actually violent or not... but yeah. XD #Pretty much just rambling here. But I hope it makes sense #I really had fun with these! #Thanks again for the asks Charlotte. I hope you're well! :)

[laststandx3]

this episode of daryl dixon i decided i would leave common sense at the door and take a double dose of suspension of disbelief, and let me tell you, it helped a lot. now i don't have to ask questions like: where the food comes from? how comes the bad guys have clean and ironed clothes, electricity, running water but the good guys don't have beans for soup? why every french person knows the exact convert rate from kilometers to miles? why there's no useful electronic like a a working radio? how comes they still have bullets? if the zombies are so easy to kill, why nobody cleaned up the street? why norman reeds looks like he never touched a fish in his life and doesn't want to start now? why french people start singing the anthem in the middle of a speech? or when they see a man about to fight a zombie? why do the bad guys have a zombie/gladiator arena instead of idk being generic evil in any other way? why do they imply that the people lining up to enter the show were there against their will if they are all cheering now?

anyway, now we can go back to focus only on the plot and the characters. good news: in the series titled daryl dixon, the 5th episode out of 6 is finally about daryl dixon. we find out how he get to france (sort of), it didn't had much relevance on the plot so i don't see why they kept if for dramatic value. but on daryl side at least something happened. on Isabelle side, writers weren't sure what to do with her, so we see her plotting how to kill Quinn, (she calls it off bc he quotes some catholic text about redemption, but this isn't brought up again, so it's more likely that it was just for that scene) she then thinks about killing herself but ish..also it's breakfast time, we don't to those things in front of a fresh salad. So at last she decides she will manipulate Quinn: it wasn't an hard task bc he's been simping for the past decade. Imo Isabelle lost her agency around ep 3 when the writers put her in idle. i hope the next episode she'll do something active. so far she's just been brought places. Laurant (little jesus) is the worst. but he's a kid- No. he deserved a face slap from paris to cannes. he cut the rope to the boat they were using to get to safety, bc he has abandonment issues? daryl calls him little shit and forgives him right away. you'll have to walk at least 100km in a place full of zombies, without food, without shelter, your other friend that was helping you just died in the worst way ever written and you cut our chance at safety? i'm leaving your ass! they in fact get captured by the bad guys like a minute after loosing the boat. anyway via plot convenience they all find themselves at the bad guys lair and daryl is to fight a boosted up zombie. will he survive? stay tuned! (episode ends here)

Now about the Quinn subplot, his new girlfriend is jealous of a woman that is there against her will (kinda) and she sells him out to Genet (boss of the bad guys). How does this work exactly? 1) if quinn wasn't useful, genet would've put someone else in his place already. 2)technically it was Anna who let laurent go, so she's the traitor 3)genet and quinn aren't part of the same organization, there can't be betrayal. they are 2 separate parties that at times cooperate. i'm not saying genet can't accuse him of treason but? don't give me bullshit reasons for locking up quinn. she (as french) could've just wanted to get rid of the birtish/american tourist. voilà, tout le monde deteste les touristes, est normal. but hey, my bad i got lost in logic again. my god this show gives us just the vibes of a story. there's no story here. the characters don't have an arc, they're the same people from ep 1, no change, no learning, nothing. things happen to them and they don't have reactions. And you know they're badly written bc the dialogue is obvious and empty and flat. and so absent. there's so much silence in this story that isn't highlighting actions, it's just silence bc nobody could find a way to fill it. I don't come from the walking dead, i have no idea what's up with daryl dixon and after 5 episodes (around 4hours and half) of a story about him I still don't know. What is this story about? faith? tyranny? how easy it is to fall for idols in a difficult moment? even the choice of setting the story in France, was it for aesthetic? were the writers trying to make parallels with french history and dictators? The annoying part is that even the few elements they throw around in could've been used: there's a military party, there's this kid that everyone is claiming is the new messiah, there's a nightclub in paris surrounded by death. those elements can fit in a bigger narrative. about looking for comfort for example. when the world ends where do you find the will to live? do you follow the path of order in hope to fix the chaos around you? do you look for a meaning, hoping it will all make sense and there's some god above looking down at you? do you see the zombie apocalypse as a punishment from above and now you follow only the righteous path? or you say fuck all of this! life has no meaning i'll go to the only nightclub left in the world? is this about avoiding pain or is it about living life to the fullest as much as you can with the limited resources you have?

there are endless possibility for a zombie story. a story about survival is never just a story about survival but about the things we do to survive. those are the stories people get attached to, bc they touch a part of us that we all have and can't explore. (bc hopefuly we won't find ourselves in extremely tragic situations)

they just needed to give genet a real need for order. not just army guys going around in their jeep killing pigeon lovers. give quinn a less aesthetic nightclub, make him sell drugs. this way he has a lot of people needing him and he has power and he's not just some generic bad dude with a night and a silly hat. give Isabelle a real sense of faith. living with nuns doesn't automatically convert you. give laurant actual lines or superpowers, everybody believes he's jesus bc he's off-putting?? he's just a weird kid. he did nothing. nobody knows how or why he's special. he didn't do any miracles. let him cure people. give us audience a reason to believe he's special, not the "he comforted a widow who lost he husband yesterday and was too heartbroken until laurent gave her a hug" bitch her husband died, what you want her to do? how was she supposed to feel? it wasn't even a week.

and into all of this give daryl dixon a journey, not just finding a working radio to go back to america. what meaning did he find in 11 series of the walking dead? does he believe in god? what does he do in front of a miracle? does he think religion sucks and it's all a lie, then he must agree with the new militia, everything illogical must be destroyed bc people will do terrible things for false idols. but then what if it's a child? and what if this whole problem doesn't touch him? can he keep going on the way of the lone wolf or does he intervene? there's no trouble in being alone but what does he do in face of injustice? what if you get killed for stepping up? how do you fight?

there's a lot of plot points that could've given daryl dixon and the other characters depth but unfortunately this series isn't about it :(

#the walking dead #the walking dead daryl #i think this review is neutarl enough to go in the main tag #anyway adnag and his little hat were nice #quinn with his old gf sitting on him: i'm quoting the bible bc you're a nun hot uh? #man i'm so sorry

[spikedru]

hey i wanted to ask! bc i remember you saying how you felt about spuffy but you hadn't rewatched s7 yet. did that affect how you saw them at all? also if you're okay answering, what do you think of seeing red? I've recently begun to think of it as. kind of out of character. like i know spuffy was downward spiraling but it kind of felt like seeing red was "what should we have happen so that things get super bad and spike goes and gets a soul" and not actually something that spike would. have really done? idk. I'm not a spuffy fan but i do think things about that episode

i still havent actually rewatched s7 lol i had been rewatching s6 back in march last year but stopped right before riley showed up again and didnt get around to picking it back up haha. ill probably think about doing a full series rewatch and liveblog after i graduate college (so sometime during the summer) and actually try to get through to the end

that being said i have not actually sat down and rewatched seeing red since the first time i watched the series. so. almost a decade ? at this point ? if thats any indication of how i feel about that episode. it has been a while. its on par with the body in terms of episodes that i never really want to rewatch (though for completely different reasons, obviously) more thoughts below

the way i tend to view seeing red is that of poorly thought through shock value writing. i agree with you in that it feels like a writers decision to have the worst thing happen in order to motivate spike to seek his soul, and not something that feels correct to the character. already by that point you have spike reflecting on their tryst and realizing the way things were was not making either of them truly happy, so it would not take that much prodding for him to realize something had to change. there are other ways to get spike to his breaking point without having to subject buffy to sexual violence. even though their relationship was volatile and played with gray areas of consent, i never got the impression that spike would truly violate buffy's consent. i think writing in an attempted rape affects the way the audience views them on a much deeper level than the writers were expecting. because, a lot of the trauma that buffy endures through the show, while very real to her, has a fantasy element that places a layer of separation from the audience. most people cannot understand the despair of having to send your boyfriend to actual Hell, or the betrayal of being ripped from actual Heaven by your friends. but there are members of the audience who do know the terror and betrayal of sexual violence by their partner. so i think that aspect wasnt taken into serious enough account when deciding to have your main characters love interest and general audience favorite do something so realistically deplorable. thats why i think it was mainly a shock value decision rather than based in any way the character would actually act. not even to mention the fact like. most everyone else in the production hating having to film it and james marsters has said because of SR he will never do a scene like that ever again he hated it that much.

from the refresher ive seen of s7 (from people gifsets and spuffy scenes and meta about spike, the soul, and buffy etc) i wish we had got more of a buildup to a true spuffy reconciliation. there is so much happening in s7. so much that a lot tends to get lost or not as much time focused on in order to get to the very end. i do really think that buffy was incredibly moved and touched by spikes decision to get his soul back. personally i think the choice to get the soul is more impactful than the soul itself, as it demonstrates how remorseful spike is over the AR and his willingness to atone for it without expecting anything in return. and how buffy recognizes that and thats why shes able to forgive him and let him back into her life. but because there are only 22 episodes to fit plot into the reconciliation happens just. a little too quick. i had wished that. idk. it happened over 2ish seasons? so we see spike struggling to reconcile with his soul just a lil bit longer and him settling with it and buffy seeing that struggle while still wanting him around. idk. a lot of my problems with s7 come from pacing issues. while i have my problems with s7 as a whole, i do generally like the spuffy progression in it, even if i wanted it to take a lil longer. in all of buffys past relationships, there are things that happened that make her believe that she is somehow responsible for her partners turning bad, or thinking she is somehow lesser for being with them. but learning that spike got his soul back for her, something she views as essential and good, it shocks her that she could inspire someone to change that much for the betterment of themselves. and because of that she can truly trust him enough to love him completely.

so like long story short i hate that seeing red involved sexual violence and i wish there had been some other way to get to the point of spike realizing he needs to change, but considering the way s7 went i dont think it changes my perspective on their relationship that much. i think spike and buffy are one of the most interesting relationships on the show just by how much they change themselves and each other by being in their lives, and thats why im so invested in them

#very sorrry if this is rambly or doesnt make sense but i hope i answered your question ! #asks #seeing red /

[symptoms-syndrome]

OC ramblings relevant to trauma/mental illness stuff. TW for talk of grooming and SA. A little graphic at the end? Not describing a traumatic event just the aftermath.

I have an OC very near and dear to my heart (though all my OCs are near and dear to my heart, this one is just special) that I project a lot of my worst self onto.

And I was talking with some friends about how he's kind of a dick and definitely a bad friend. Specifically, he's a dick in that he always ensures his own safety and well-being first, and is often unempathetic to others' distress. For example, if someone he knew was being groomed or had been sexually assaulted, he would consider that "none of his business" and assume they can work themselves out. Either they work themselves out and it's fine, or they don't and he couldn't have done anything anyway.

And like, there's some small part of me that still reacts like that. I'm just sort of naturally a low empathy person, very logical. I got myself out of a bad place so others can too sort of vibe, the bootstrappy attitude I mentioned in that post about not being soft. Ofc I recognize, logically, that's not really how it works. There's other factors in other people's lives that I'm not aware of. And most of the time I can be uhhh what's the word. For fake empathy but real feelings of wanting to help etc. That sort of thing. I do care even if I don't feel the thing. I care about my friends and stuff.

Anyway I guess it was mostly on my mind because. I passively mentioned a few of the Bad Things that have happened to me during sex work very off the cuff to my drag mom bc I was rly drunk tonight. Like they don't upset me rly, not to talk about. Just like. Yeah that happened and I did what I had to do and I got through it whatever. And he said that sounded scary and I didn't really know what to say. Because it probably was, in the moment (I don't remember the moments) but it isn't now. And I guess it got me thinking like. This isn't normal. It's not just death and taxes. I guess I just. Legitimately do consider sexual assault to be just a thing that happens to most people. Some people get real fucked up and traumatized by it and some people just. IDK have it happen. It does not occur to me that there are people who never have been and never will be assaulted. That's very much this OC's outlook too. It just happens. It sucks but you get through it. Life goes on. Sometimes you get splinters and sometimes you scrape your knees and sometimes you stub your toe in the middle of the night and sometimes people touch you when you don't want them to and sometimes they do it by force. I guess I'm just. Really numb to it.

And I guess I know I'm not supposed to be numb to it. The most recent assault that I remember I remember feeling really unaffected and mostly being bothered by not feeling anything about it. I tried to make myself cry in the shower but just kinda stood there getting wet and then got out and went to bed and went to work the next day and I don't think I've ever brought it up again until now. I remember I told my friends and they were concerned about me and I wished they had something to like. Care for. Like I wanted to have something that they felt they could help with but there just wasn't really anything there, because it sucked but it sucked like how dropping your toast sucks or losing the last puzzle piece sucks and nothing more.

And I think. That makes a lot of things make sense in a way? Why I'm so different. Of course there's a lot of things that make me different. But one of the big ones is that other people haven't had to "just get through it" as much as I have. Other people haven't been forced to do things they don't want to do as often or as severely. So like. I'm already so familiar with milder discomforts that they don't bother me. I have generally lower standards for what I'm willing to put myself through. Is that considered dignity? I don't really know. I just know that accomplishing a goal makes almost any suffering bearable. I'm willing to put myself through a lot to get to something that's important to me. I'll work myself to the bone. That's probably not good, but I have yet to see problems arise. I'm higher accomplishing than a lot of my non traumatized peers purely because putting in what it takes is easier for me, comparatively to what I've already gone through. Like how my friends seem much more willing to quit jobs if they don't like them, and sometimes what they don't like feels SO minor. The idea of "I don't like doing [unpleasant task] so I won't do it" feels so foreign and insane to me. You just do things even though you don't like them because you have to. That's just how life works. Death and taxes and laundry over and over ad infinitum.