#if it wasnt for this fucking on call thing itd be tolerable but i just can't handle the on call thing

[gaystardykeco]

need to sleep but the Dread is consuming me

#i just feel like smth bad is going to happen tonight. but also i feel like this p often on random nights where nothing bad happens so. #it could be bc i had caffeine this morning and its still fucking with my. brain #or more likely its bc im back on the overnight call list for work starting tonight and continuing the rest of the time i have this job #being able to not be on it while i was on vacation was so nice like i could actually sleep #still couldnt sleep through the night but at least when i did wake up it didnt take me an hour to fall back to sleep #generally when i feel this much dread on a night i can get work calls its bc theres going to be a call sometime between 3 and 6am that nigh #hopefully there wont be but ik this dread and anxietys gonna fuck up my sleep regardless so whatever #i dont really want to move to nyc but if i get this job offer i think i just need to bc this job is fucking me up so bad #if it wasnt for this fucking on call thing itd be tolerable but i just can't handle the on call thing #the fear that ill get a call and not know how to solve the problem and have to call my boss or coworker to help is killing me #ik its stupid but i have really bad anxiety around waking ppl up and asking ppl for help and calling ppl so #perfect combination to make me Suffer ig #and i did try talking to my boss about it and told him it was the reason i was unhappy on the team #and he essentially said i just need to be better at my job so we get less calls and that being on call is essential and unavoidable #if i dont get the nyc job i might need to just quit anyway which i know is pathetic but i just cant handle this on top of the other things #like i cant have no friends and a useless therapist and meds that dont work and no sense of self and a million other things #and then on top of that a job that makes it so i cant even sleep which is the one thing ive always been okay at and not had problems with #i know its so silly and i know i need to be grateful this job pays me well and shut up #i just am so miserable and i need to be able to sleep like i need that one thing please #sorry for being ridiculous and insane i know its stupid to be this upset over this #sorry dkdkjd sorry about all this i genuinely cant believe anyone still follows me when i post this bullshit #hopefully its fairly easy to ignore and everyones just not expanding the tags so im just screaming into the void #cant tell if i really want no one to see this or if im putting it all here all the time so i can pretend someone is reading it and cares #idk im just so tired and so sad and so scared all the fucking time and i think i just dont want to always be alone in it idk #and i know my problems arent real or serious or bad but unfortunately im pathetic and spoiled and theyre destroying me anyway

[gweyson]

valdis 3, 12, 30, 47, 61, 85, abaddon 5, 16, 24, 46, 70, 82!!

3. What is the meaning behind their name? Do they have any nicknames?

valdis means “the dead” (i found it by googling something to the effect of depressing baby names gjtfhjhgg), abaddon calls him val

12. How old are they? When is their birthday?

he’s 26, his birthday is the 12th of February !

30. When frightened, will they resort to “fight” or “flight”?

in theory fight, but abaddon wont let him put himself in anything he perceives as dangerous. if it wasnt for that & also the fact that his illness is like. slowly destroying his body. then itd always be fight. forcible flight response

47.  What’s their pain tolerance like?

pretty good. he’s had enough time to get used to his body slowly deteriorating dkfhjdf plus he pretends hes doing a lot better than he is alot of the time bcuz he doesnt want abaddon to worry :(

61. Which season is their favorite season?

in this universe the climate is like. completely destroyed so there aren’t really seasons..... but in theory he’d like winter or spring most

85. Do they believe in ghosts?

he does not

5. What’s their relationship with their parents like? What about other relatives?

before everyone died he had a very good relationship with his family.... they all lived in like. this little commune where everyone helped to take care of each other. it was good until... everyone died

16. Are they religious?

religion isnt really a thing in this universe, so no

24. Do you know their MBTI type?

once again i know neither fuck nor shit about MBTI types but based on a 3 second google search im gonna say he’s an ENFP

46. How easily can they express emotions? How easily can they hide emotions?

he’s very much an open book. you can always tell what he’s thinking or feeling. he can’t rlly hide his emotions, especially if he’s feeling them intensely ! he gets very very emotional, almost distressingly so

70. How do they feel about animals? Do they have any pets?

he loves animals ! he really wants a pet but there aren’t really many species of animals that are domesticated in this universe, plus he’s moving around too much to keep a proper pet. he settles for just tryingt o make friends and play with any friendly animals he finds !

82. What is their handwriting like?

messy.... very messy... neater than valdis’ BUT that’s not really saying much dljkfhgjkl

#ocs #paperclippery #ask

[calmandclear]

Him (my crush)

He makes me heart so happy and sad at the same time

I think I love him

I'm sure he likes me but no way he loves me

I wanna do everything with him

He totally hates me because I wont drop everything and go to him

I wish he knew how I feel.

I think he doesnt love me anymore because i fucked up a few times in his eyes (the girl thing and the bf thing)

No matter how I explain it he says I cheated on him.

It wasnt how he thinks. But whatever hes okay with me again but I know he hates me to death for it.

I just wish he would be more caring or romantic. Sure he buys me things sometimes but...I dont even need that all the time. I want his love. I want it bad. Please tell me u love me,tell me you were thinking of me,tell me something reminded u of me. Tell me more tell me more. I want to know all your feelings.

I force this man too love me I feel like.

Hes just still here because he knows I'll have no one left. I would have to get over him.

Sometimes I feel like he doesnt care about me. I'm not sure. He talks like monotone I think it's called. When were texting. He doesnt want to video chat me because hes shy and a little lazy and doens wanna hold the phone. He never has much to say. I can understand that. But I always thought our bond was so strong we could talk for hours. Maybe it's not always the case. And maybe I still dont know anything about friends or people I feel like sai from naruto lol wth but yeah that makes me sad.

If he ever stops talking to me. I plan on crying my stupid girl eyes out. I'll get a boyfriend in real life. Ik sure he will take advantage of me and use me and manipulate me and hurt me very badly. But he will tolerate me. It's how I always get hurt. I can never pick the right guy. I'm nothing to them. Just a piece of cake. A sweet chocolate one and itd there favorite to eat up. They eat me up till I'm all messed up and just the crumbs left. And nobody wants the crumbs. That's when they throw me away.

I cant let this man go. I love him too much. It's been too long. I need him. Even if he makes me sad and doesnt give me the emotions I wish he would. I love him to death. I want him to be mines. I want to make him cute things. I want to bake him cookies to have as a snack for work. I want him bad.

I'm so selfish forcing him to love me. I cant help it.

I wish he just knew. My feelings are totally real. If he leaves I just night die foreal.

I wish I knew how he feels foreal!

I cant share this with him. We dont share much. Not anymore. I guess hes gotten everything he wanted with me. I'm not interesting anymore. Useless.

I still dont know him like I wish I did. Hes so reserved and maybe mysterious.i wish I could have derp conversation with him. He doesnt wanna talk to me about personal things. I'm sure it's TRUE it's hard to think of things on the spot but holy freaking frick! Could u try?!!!! I want this guy to be my bf but I dont want it to be long distance. Maybe if we were closer he would open up more. I cant believe he would share his intimate thoughts with me but not the personal ones. Sounds like me when I'm totally depressed and start dating like crazy. Idk. There's gotta be a reason he wont talk to me. Ok ok I know I can be a little...umm extra when he does share his feelings bUT ITS ONLY BECAUSE MY FEELINGS ARE BACKED UP LIKE TRAFFIC FROM NOT BEING ABLE TO SHARE MY FEELINGS SOONER!!!. I really truly dont mean to sound so freakish and hysterical when he finally says a sentence or 2 about how he feels. I just wish he would have said things at the moment. But I guess it's good hes cautious. I just want to be the reason he smiles. The reason hes happy! I wanna be his favorite person. I'm so afraid hes done with me. Especially after what be said last night.. "

#love #like #crush #yandere #reallove #i love you #dramatic #depression #sad #long distance #personal

[teddy-feathers]

@avidlebon i uh. Tangled maybe? Ive seen the movie not the new show. Dads... Got the mindset of hes the man of the house. His way or the highway he knows best. Hes not a bad guy I'm just... So fed up with how he talks and behaves and his "hes in charge" attitude. I'm... Tired of feeling disrespected that nothing i do or care about matters my opinions are *wrong* like dude maybe I dont have all the info but im tired of your holier than thou attitude. And yeah its little shit like things only go where he says they go and he throughs a fit like a CHILD if things are out of place i realize its not my house but when him and mom disagree mom basically sucks it up and doesnt argue she just does what she wants around him which just adds drama later or like. He gets to be loud. Or vent. Or bitch. Or make HORRIBLE remarks and insinuations like i dont care if im being a smart ass bitch from hell (even discounting that any more if Im back talking its because HE FUCKING STARTED IT) you do not get to say i need to watch my damn tone or youre going to knock my teeth down my throat Like no. You havent really touched me or beat me but that doesnt mean saying shit like thats okay and i swear tk god he ever grabs me by the shirt front to get in my face EVER again NO MATTER the provocation or how legit he thinks his reason is I'm WALKING to Virginia. And for the love of god I mean you dont get to tell me to watch MY attitude watch MY tone and act and behave like THAT i SWEAR I'm getting SO CLOSE to just saying "either keep a civil tone or shut up" because damn it I dont care if hes paying the bills or that its his house Im SICK of how he gets to be an asshole one sec and then we all sit around and talk about something light or watch shows like nothing happened because nothing did. I dont care that hes BETTER my tolerance and acceptance has a lower base line for this shit. Like if nothing else I got out of going to see a shrink is knowing that I'm an adult and a person deserving of space and consideration - that even if I wasnt an adult I SHOULDNT have to put up with this behavior if it upsets me. and you know if he wants to play the "you know where the door is" card... Ive left before. It was because of my issues not because of him but... By acknowldging and attempting to deal with my shit... NOT responsible for dealing with HIS shit. He needs to control his temper. Im not saying hes not allowed to be angry in his own god blessed house im saying how he expresses it amd how he makes it our problem how discussions are a MANDITORY sham how disrespectful he is of our time... When i work or have appointments they need to be on the calender the sooner the better. But weekend with nothing scheduled comes up we have plans. Plans that when I ask I get youll see. Or we're doing cleaning. Cleaning what? Vacuuming laundry? Anything I can do and work around? No dont do things until i tell you. Or i wake up and I wanted to go to a cat cafe. Or job hunting. And suddenly we're going grocery shopping and sense we're out lets stop here here and here or hey i need to talk to you when youre done talking to your friend. ... Um my one friend (he doesnt count online people) that i talk to? That i MAYBE can talk to once a month? That if i get on the phone with were prob spending the rest of the night bsing? I'm not going to be done so if you want to talk tell me that and well talk and ill call my friend back after. Dont get fucking huffy like im prioritizing them over you when i hardly talk to them, and you HAVE to notice how freaked i get when you ambush me with talks. and like. Tuck in your shirt. Do something with your hair. You look un professional i wouldn't hire you. Or you know i have somewhere to be and you stop me on.my way out the door? I dont care if YOU dont think i need to leave an hour early. why the fuck would you think thats okay? And just this whole "walk it off pussy, people and their fragile fucking egos" like hello. Daughter youre talking to? The one who has to "walk off" the panic attacks facing YOUR attitude gives me however unintentional to walk around and smile and keep the conversation light? Who has to respond to everything you say and navigate the conversation like a fucking pro to avoid things I cant stand talking about with you because it makes it worse? The person who HAS to compulsively fixate on EVERYONES tone and attitude and when feels over whelmed hides in the bathroom trying not to cry and yet has STILL managed to fucking work cashier jobs most of her working life? Yeah standing right here asshole. YOU dont get to tell anyone how much is too much for them to handle, you dont get to caat shame on "my generation" and therefore ME when on what I can or cannot handle. You dont get to fucking decided whats too much for me to handle or how far I have to push myself to be worthy i have PROVED myself to your standards, been homeless and emotionally wrecked contemplated suicide NOT because im a "coward" but because being ALIVE has at times caused myself and those i care about more pain than i could POSSIBLY have value. I worked my ass off alone, did things the "hard way" thinking itd prove something to me or to you and Not one god damn thing changed and you know what? It WAS too much to handle alone - i pushed myself so far outside being okay that the ONLY god blessed reason I AM alive is that my best friend who you think so LITTLE of was there and so was her mom and hell Ive been to therapy. Ive struggled and come so far and i am NOT going to let you make me feel like nothing. I can feel valuless all by myself, can feel like shit all by myself, have enough of my OWN negitivity to carry I REFUSE to carry yours. And i DONT have to. I DONT. NO ONE DOES. Even if putting up with it means another day with a roof and food even if there was NO way of me surviving on my own that doesnt mean i deserve to be treated this way. And im lucky because i have other people in my life willing to help if i call. So i can afford to be upset.... Even if it makes me feel guilty. Even if i feel unreasonable. I may not be able to sit down and tell him he needs to learn to respect others - or at least me and mom that his behavior is unexceptable to me... But its freeing in a way to know i dont. That im allowed to be mad at him for it. I didn't mean to rant. Apparently just needed it. Sorry.