#if my depressed ass isn't on something I'll be wasting time money and my already shit credit history

[astroprompts]

✧ —𝐁𝐎𝐉𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐇𝐎𝐑𝐒𝐄𝐌𝐀𝐍 𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐔𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒 [𝐒𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐎𝐍 𝟸]

“Why do we even have saucers? We don't drink tea!”

“Do you have a thousand dollars? Because each minute I spend talking to you, that's how much money I'm wasting.”

“You're the only one in this building who isn't a total snooze-cooze.”

“No one watches this show to feel feelings. Life is depressing enough already!”

“All this time, I assumed there was more to me than everyone thought. But maybe there isn't.”

“I don't care if you are happy or not. You have a job to do.”

“Look who finally decided to pick up the phone.”

“You must think I'm a real monster.”

“You were born broken, that's your birthright.”

“Can't say I'll miss it, but we did have some crazy adventures together these last few weeks.”

“Sometimes you wanna go where no one knows your name.”

“Is that name supposed to mean something to me?”

“I want to do things with you. Fully clothed, sober, in daylight hours.”

“Look, you obviously really care about this girl and that scares you, so you sabotage yourself.”

“How about you just stop sulking and go win her back, dummy?”

“I'm cynical, and I'm possessive, and I can sometimes fly off the handle. I'm not always the best at being not terrible. But I want to be better, I'm trying to be better.”

“Why do I always do this? I push away everyone I care about.”

“No matter what, we're going to stick together.”

“I'm no good with funerals. When I cry, it messes up my makeup and then I get really bummed out.”

“Okay, you're clearly in one of your moods.”

“Why serve dates and not have a place to put the pits? You know, some people just have no class.”

“There's so much to hate about what you just said.”

“Shove it up your ass with a spoonful of sugar, you supercalifragilisticexpiali-bitch!”

“You know, maybe it's for the best we don't get together that often. We'd most likely drive each other mad.”

“No one knows how to get under your skin like family.”

“You wanna check out this cool new game I got?”

“I know there's no accounting for taste, but come on.”

“There is no shame in dying for nothing. That's why most people die.”

“Quick, jump out the window, shimmy down the drainpipe and wait in the car.”

“When you don't regret the tattoo in the morning, that's how you know it's love.”

“I guess I was just foolish enough to believe this dumb world still had a little spark of romance in it.”

“Look, what happened back there is not your fault.”

“If you wanna go for a walk in the woods at night, go crazy, but I'm not going anywhere.”

“Look, pal, I'll pay the bill, just-- Just let us get you to a damn hospital.”

“Um, do you wanna talk about what happened?”

“Any time someone tries to love you, you shove them away.”

“I was this badass overachiever that had these big plans to change the world.”

“So, now you're just gonna do whatever a teenage girl says?”

“I don't need you to like me. It would be fun if you liked me, because I'd prove my parents were wrong to never support me, because I earned the admiration of an authority figure, proving I have intrinsic worth, but it's not a big deal or anything. Jeez.”

“You know, sometimes I feel like my whole life is just a series of loosely-related wacky misadventures.”

“When you think something isn't about you, you find a way to save the day and realize that it was, all along, all about you.”

“Oh, is that that thing where you strangle yourself in an attempt to heighten sexual arousal?”

“So, noose-wise, what are we talking? You use a standard sailor's knot or more like your average birthday-present bow?”

“I don't know if I want your jack-off kit at my house.”

“This is the part of the movie where you get your heart broken. Where the world tests you, and people treat you like shit. But it has to happen this way. Otherwise, the end of the movie, when you get everything you want, won't feel as rewarding.”

“Jesus, why does cantaloupe think every time it gets invited to a party, it can bring along its dumb friend honeydew?”

“When we know what we know about a monster like that and we still put him on TV every week, we're teaching a generation of young boys and girls that a man's reputation is more important than the lives of the women he's ruined.”

“I don't understand why you can't be on my side about this.”

“I asked you, really nicely, not to make a big thing out of this.”

“Why does it suddenly matter what I want?”

“All I ever wanted was to be your friend.”

“Stop kidding yourself. If you really wanted the simple life, you'd have a simple life.”

“Love is an illusion, and happiness is fleeting, no such thing as God, and all your favorite musicians beat their wives.”

“Well, I'm sorry that things have been so hard for you, but that doesn't give you the right to be shitty to me.”

“I can't be around someone who's just fueled by bitterness and negativity.”

“You know, it's funny. When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.”

“I wish I could just go home right now and crawl into bed and not have to talk about anything or explain anything.”

“I'm sorry I'm not the person I thought I was.”

“Hey, you wanna climb up on the water tower?”

“I'm really glad we left that stupid prom, but I'm kind of bummed we didn't get to dance.”

“Look, sometimes when you're an adult, the right thing isn't always the best thing.”

“You're the first grown-up I've ever met who actually treats me like... You know, a person.”

“I said so many things when I was young. I thought I was so deep.”

“It doesn't matter where you are, it's who you are.”

“So many times in my life I've done the wrong thing, but this is the right thing, and I have never been more sure of anything.”

“I've wasted so much time sitting on my hands and imagining what could have been.”

“If you are not out of my driveway in 30 minutes, I will call the police.”

“If you ever try to contact me or my family again, I will fucking kill you.”

“Wake up, captain dumbshit.”

“Now let's get out there and tell all those garbage rat bastard sons of bastards what we really think of them, once and for all.”

“If you're holding out for something better, well, I hate to break it to you, but you're gonna be alone for a long time.”

“Every day, it gets a little easier. But you gotta do it every day, that's the hard part.”

#rp meme #ask meme #dialogue prompt #sentence starters #bojack horseman

[strawberry-jackalope]

losing my mind again about my car being garbage and this business driving my up the goddamn wall

#I lost the bags to put soap in which means until I find them soap is off the table #bc we don't want dirt dust or cat hair getting in it bc that makes it unsellable #paintings are never good enough for anyone so fuck making those things #candles are time consuming and also hell in general #my ac broke in the car which makes dashing difficult #bc my phone overheats and you can't hear gps with the windows open on the highway #also it's summer here in the south everyone is app ordering milkshakes and that shit will melt in my car immediately #and that means I'll get in trouble and until I get my ac fixed work is meh at the very best #and they want almost 2k to fix the fucking car and we've already put more into fixing the fucking thing than I paid for it #overall I hate it here especially since I have to see the psychiatrist on wednesday and he's gonna be a pain #but I need drugs or I'll really lose my marbles soon #I start school again in two months #if my depressed ass isn't on something I'll be wasting time money and my already shit credit history #not to mention pissing me and tim off bc I'll be failing and on god bro #I just want shit to go right for two weeks #two weeks isn't crazy it's not too much why the FUCK can't anything go right #whatever if you've read these tags what up I'm putting shit on etsy #go check out glass cat emporium and help me not stab my own brains out

[kenvais]

listen to song provided while reading for better overall enjoyment and experience.

warnings: profanity

SHAMELESS LIARS CHAPTER TWO - EMPTY MIND SHIT.

-----

y/n pov

After settling into your new dorm room —your brother was right, it was a private room—, you immediately grabbed your phone and FaceTimed your one and only best friend.

"Sunaaaa!" You moped when he picked up.

The boy in question just so happened to have been eating when you called, so he hummed a response before swallowing. "What is it, stripper heels?"

"He's here."

"Who's here?"

"Milkbread bitch 😭"

"Oh, Oikawa.. AND DID YOU JUST SPEAK EMOJIS?"

"😭😩😖🤩😃"

"Y/n how do you even-"

"!!!!!!!"

"That's not a word-.."

"🙄🥱"

"I'm hanging up now."

"No ❤️"

future baby daddy has ended the call.

You pouted, rolling over on your bed as you turned on the TV to watch anime.

What should I watch?

Damn. I have to sign back into Netflix, don't I?

They should make an automatic thing for that.

Logging into Netflix is a struggle.

After a good fourteen minutes of effort, you finally logged into your account and found something to watch.

—Then your phone rang again.

You groaned as you picked it up. "Hello, this is the depressed hoe hotline, how can I help you today?"

"Woah, that got dark."

"SCREAMS"

"WHY ARE YOU SAYING SCREAMS INSTEAD OF SCREAMING?!"

"EW EW EW UGLY ASS EX HOW DID YOU GET MY NUMBER?"

You heard a sigh. "Iwa- I mean, your brother. He gave it to me."

"I doubt it. Why would he do that? He knows I want nothing to do with your disloyal ass." You retorted, snorting slightly.

Oikawa proceeded to speak in a calmer tone as you got up and turned the TV off. "Could you please stop calling me that? There's no point in keeping bad blood between us."

"There is. You fucking hurt me, got that?" You countered.

"If you say so.. Just, meet me at the fountains in a minute? Please?"

"Absolutely not, sicko."

A groan came from the other side. "Just do it, okay?! If you do, I'll leave you alone."

--That got your attention.

"Actually, it seems that I already have my tennis shoes on and am fully capable of running today."

-----

You showed up at the designated spot about five minutes later, meeting the brunette there.

"So, what do you want?" You snapped.

"Well.." Oikawa started, rubbing the back of his neck. "I need a tutor. And I can pay you pretty well, I just..- I know you're smart, okay?" He stammered.

It was evident that he was being honest, but that still didn't make you want to help him.

"Hell no." You stated sharply. "Is that all you called me here for? Just hire a tutor from the internet or use grammarly or something. Your education isn't my problem, not to mention, you're a fucking year ahead of me. What can I teach you that you don't already know?"

A look of irritation spread over the male's usually calm features as he crossed his arms. "Damn it, Y/n.. I've seen your grades, okay? You tutored me in high school. It's no different now. At least think on it?"

"I'll think about kicking your ass if you don't leave me the fuck alone." You snapped, causing the brunette to take a step back.

"Woah, hostile much?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Hostile my ass. Get out of my way."

"Fine, then. Just.. Think about it and give me an answer when you're ready." He sighed, looking at you with slight hope in his eyes.

You nodded and walked away briskly without another word.

Damn it.

Damn you.

Fuck, I hate him so much..

What does he want me to tutor him for?

It's not like I'd be much help anyway.

He's just trying to waste my time again, I bet.

He has no shame, huh?

Just gonna waste my time for no reason.

At least he said he'd pay me for it. I guess that's not a complete waste.

I'm gonna buy gucci with his money.

Why didn't I do that from the beginning?

I want gucci.

I'm gonna get some gucci.

Woah, maybe I can even buy my will to live back.

Can you buy that?

You can totally buy that.

--------

Staring out of the window of your dorm room, you thought about what had happened today.

It seemed to all have gone so fast.

Just ten or so hours ago you were still in your apartment packing your bags and getting ready to leave.

But now you were being faced with hard decisions again.

I guess I'll sleep it off.

Might as well.

You turned off the main light that had been illuminating your bedroom for the past hour or so, climbing into bed and falling asleep soon after.

Although you had no particularly memorable dreams that night, you slept peacefully and soundly, seemingly unbothered.

Everything was comfortable.

You were fine.

For now, at least.

-------

8:04 am.

I guess I didn't sleep that long.

You hugged your pillow as you sat up, looking around the dorm room that would be your home for the next four years.

I'm not mentally prepared for this shit.

I'm not physically prepared either.

Oh well, fuck it.

You yawned, got out of bed, and got dressed.

I don't want to tutor him.

But a bit of extra money would be pretty helpful with all these expensive ass college books.

I guess I'll give it a try.

------

lol another rushed chapter go brr

[ final word count : 910 words. ]

#jazzies.delivery #[♠️]-shameless.liars #Youtube #oikawa #tooru oikawa #oikawa x reader #x reader #self insert #oikawa fanfiction #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu #haikyuu fanfiction #fanfiction

[seacreek]

I don't want to write anything where irl friends would see (no one is gonna see this here anyway) but I need to get this out of me.

Liiiikeeeee

I was (am?) literally the most suicidal I've ever been in my life today (is today over if it's 2 am?) and not only can I tell that to NO ONE, but it's like God was fucking rubbing it my face all day. I actually laughed at one point bc I was driving behind someone thinking of whether I should try to do it at home or somewhere else when I noticed their license plate said KYS and then a mashup of my birthday numbers.

But like I've already been feeling this building bc I'm behind on bills and have no heat and it's gonna snow soon and it's the holidays which remind me that my family is all spread out and I don't really talk to my parents anymore and somedays I talk to no one at all but my cat and my life is going NOWHERE with no way to change that but to work myself even harder when I don't even feel like I have anything at all to give anymore.

And I already felt like calling out bc even though I chose to work Thanksgiving yesterday knowing I'd be the only one there, it was still depressing to know that normal people are with friends and family and I'm not. But I also didn't want to take up my neighbors/friends on their offers to join them bc I did that last year and got all the questions about what I was doing with my life and at the time I actually believed I'd be going back to school the next year but now I realize how I can't possibly afford that without accepting help from someone which would BE my neighbors bc my parents would not help and I can't pay for it alone. And I can't accept help from them bc I feel like I would just get overwhelmed and depressed and flunk out and waste their money anyway. And the other reason I couldn't go over there/can't is bc I already feel like such a burden to them. They do all this nice stuff for me all the time and I catch myself even EXPECTING it at times which is fucking disgusting. Even if I'm grateful and say thank you, it's not like they owe me anything just bc I have no one else to give it to me. So I need to stop accepting their help and gifts, but then I know they are judging me for that bc even though their really nice, they are also super judgmental and they really like me bc they think I have "potential", but if they knew that I'm actually just a natural born idiot and failure, they'd never want to talk to me in the first place. And also it's unhealthy probably how much I rely on their validation bc since I've known them since I was little, I'm almost using them as surrogate parents which is also fucked up bc they are not my parents, they have their own kids who actually have their lives together unlike me who is just like a pet project of theirs.

Soooo anyway I already had all this on my mind and more going into work today and when I get there, I look at the schedule and realize everyone called out but me!!!!

And so I had to make a frankenstein schedule out of all of theirs to prioritize what needed to get done and was still trying to do little favors for people in between that I didn't want to disappoint bc it wasn't their fault that their staff wasn't there to do it with them and it was getting super overwhelming. And then I'm super sensitive so when I'd have to tell someone that I COULDN'T do something extra for them that they really were looking forward to, it was already punching me in the gut to see their disappointment. But then the worst part is that they don't fully get that I'm not just choosing to do that out of spite, but I legitimately had negative amounts of time to get everything done so they would blame me for what I couldn't do for them. EVEN THOUGH I WAS WORKING LIKE 4 SCHEDULES IN 1. Like they don't have the capacity to think past what's in front of them sometimes which I understand it's not their fault, but it SUCKS bc then they are pissed at me even though I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to do everything for everyone and keep them all happy and they should really be annoyed with my coworkers who didn't come in but I didn't even throw them under the bus bc it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm the person in front of them who is "refusing to do what they ask" so it's my fault.

So that's how my day is going everywhere I go as I rush from person to person and place to place, answering calls, improvising on the spot, and constantly having to tell someone that whatever they had planned on today isn't possible and dealing with the result of that. And the WHOLE TIME I am DAYDREAMING about how I'm gonna kill myself when I get home. Maybe slit my wrists, wait no my leg because I know I'll chicken out on the wrists, wait no, I'll drive out to the ocean and just swim out until I'm drowning too far out to save myself, wait no, what bridges could I jump from let me google that, wait no, I could take all of the pills at home together but then I might throw them up so wait no, maybe I'll drag this out and just not eat or drink til I just die nah that takes too long etc etc etc. And I'm really thinking this is gonna happen tonight bc I already wrote a letter monday or tuesday and I'm sure they'll find that pretty fast when they look in my journals so I don't even have to worry about that part, just the doing. So I'm contemplating my end of life and getting more anxious and sad with every hour passing bc I'm really thinking this is it, this is the day I'm out. But really I keep getting caught up bc my CAT who is sadly the one being on earth that I love who could never understand, is at home. And I'm thinking about how if I kill myself while she's there and it takes time for people to realize I'm missing/find me, she will be sad/hungry/thirsty in the meantime. Which is so unecessary and all of my suicide plans get scrapped if they involve direct trauma of another being and she's the one that means the most, so how could I be so selfish as to not make a plan for her?

So I'm thinking of how I have to sneak her to my sister's place while she's still at work and that's stressful enough but more so bc then I'll have a time limit on getting this done bc as soon as she comes home and sees kaiya there without me and no explanation, she'll start blowing up my phone and when I don't answer, she'll call someone. And I don't want to do that in a pressured state, I need time to process everything and think about life and what I'm doing. Plus, what if I decide not to??? (Which is what ended up happening for tonight anyway) I would've done all that for nothing and then had to confess when she found kaiya anyway and have to go to a psych ward or something which would just ruin my life faster but make it harder to get out.

So I'm thinking ALL this ALL day while working my ass off yet still disappointing everyone and swallowing tears that would turn into sobs every hour until it's time to go home.

Then I drive home and even though I pray to God to send me some sign that he cares, he doesn't.

At this point, I've already lost the fire under me so I know this is another night where I just get through it, cuddle kaiya, and wake up the next day to do it all over and I've accepted that in a way.

Then 1 am rolls around and my sister calls me to say she stopped by a party where she ran into my old best friend and friends from high school. None of whom cared enough about me to even ask what I was up to these days, even though they were talking to my SISTER. And that whole growing apart thing took such a toll on me mentally and I do feel like I'm over it now these days, but it still brought up these gross sad feelings of when I was first realizing that they didn't really care about me anymore and then fully understanding that I didn't matter to them. Which hurt SO MUCH bc they were a ride or die for me, like I would have done anything for them and I never even DOUBTED they didn't feel the same until it was so obvious I had to stop pretending around it. And that fucked with ALL of my relationships with people. Every single friend I had, I started pulling away from bc I was so insecure in myself that I felt like I had to get away from them before they had the chance to drop me which I now felt was inevitable. To this day, I feel like I have a body count of of people that I desperately want to talk to, but don't let myself bc I feel like they don't deserve to have to put up with a person as shitty and worthless as me. And I do that in every possible relationship I have, platonic, romantic, and even familial. And I can't blame them for that bc they were just a normal person growing apart from someone I guess, but I think it triggered something laying dormant in me so badly that it was actually the catalyst for my inability to connect with other people in meaningful ways. I never meet a new person anymore with the belief that they will be in my life for more than a few years at most. Most people I expect to be gone within a week or two. My walls are up so high that it's actually selfish that I even talk to people at all bc I only end up hurting them when I pull away for seemingly no reason at all. And I'm too much of a coward to tell them that there's nothing wrong with them, I just can't get that close to people anymore. Like it actually makes me physically sick to think of carrying on normal relationships with people which is SO fucked. But then I turn into the villain bc I'm worried that they'll develop the same fear of people and I'll be the cause of it. Like I'm a vampire. But I isolate myself and then get to a certain point where I think "I'll try again!! And this time will be different!! I'll really have someone new in my life!" And then I am super friendly and doing my best to be good and making plans and whatever. But then I start getting that sick feeling again, like what if what if they just haven't realized how much I suck and how disappointing I am yet, they'll definitely realize it soon and I come up with some random specific reason why they'd actually hate me if they knew "THIS" about me and I start detaching myself and then flake on plans and then disappear. And then spend weeks worrying myself sick that I permanently damaged their trust in people!!! But then I get lonely again and the pattern starts again!! All traced back to this moment in time where it actually hit me that people's affection for you can disappear in the blink of an eye no matter how much you thought they cared about you. So clearly love is conditional and just that thought alone is enough to make me want to end it all!!

So yea, just a shit day with shit cherries and cream on top.

And now it's 3am and I have to wake up in 5 hrs to do this again.

And all of this is still something no one will know if or until it comes spilling out and then my life will either be changed forever or over.

But yea, drew that lion the other day.