#im not really. the kind of person to make posts like this and i dont have the spoons to make it look nice.

[drdemonprince]

Any chance you'd expand on the hank hill trans guy post? (Sorry, best indicator I could come up with.) The concept interests me as I decidedly know my maleness, yet don't feel impeded by for the most part, any male gendered norms/boxes. I am fairly masculine, though I rarely use those kinds terms to describe myself. I have found I often do stray outside of what society pushed for me when I transitioned, yet I again do not feel it has taken from my right to maleness whatsoever. I am just me, who happens to be male. I have had friends try and suggest I am NB adjacent but I do not feel this way whatsoever. I feel more people are outliers to gender expectation than we care to admit and it's disappointing the way cis-people deny that. Hope this wasn't too long winded, I value your writing and perspective, and wanted to hear more of your thoughts on this.

Yeah, well so many things all get conflated by gender labels, and it's all so personal, you know? Masculinity does not have to mean maleness, and a person's gender identity might be a reflection of some innate quality they experience themselves as having, or a general summary of their tendencies, or their desired presentation, or their sense of affinity with other people, or an interpersonal tool, or something they just go along with because it was given to them by society, or any other number of things.

I think my recent substack piece on detransition goes into this pretty well, and I have an upcoming piece of what @pastimperfection calls "bilateral dysphoria" that comes out next week that delves into it too.

I think I mostly saw taking on a male identity as a means to an end more than any kind of innate reflection of who I was, though I did feel an affinity with effeminate men for a lot of reasons. I think I also discounted how much I have in common with my fellow nonbinary people of all stripes, because that identity became so strongly associated with being an annoying type of queer person that everybody else just wrote off as ultimately being their assigned gender at birth anyway no matter how much they protested. it doesn't help that 'nonbinary' is a catchall term for literally thousands if not millions of very distinct experiences and desires.

transitioning gave me control over how i was perceived, finally, but hormones are a throttle that only go in one very specific direction, and you don't really have all that much control over which changes kick in at which times and what people will make of you once you do start registering to them as some identity other than what you were first saddled with. it's an incredible gift to be able to toggle that throttle. but it's limited, not because medical transition isn't incredible and needed for so many, but because there is no escaping the goddamned binary cissexist logic that influences everything about how people treat you, how you navigate institutions, who finds you desirable and what they want out of you, and so much else.

if you're able to cast a lot of the external societal bullshit aside and feel strong in your maleness, maybe you're stronger than me or maybe our orientation to these things is just different, i don't know. i was never all that sensitive to feedback that i was doing the whole being-a-woman-thing all that wrong. i reveled in violating those rules to an extent. succeeding at being a woman despite my best attempts was what felt super dysphoric. and now i guess im succeeding at being a man, insofar as im always read as one, and it feels just as uncomfortable and objectifying and false. i thought that with manhood i could probably just grit my teeth and deal with it, but i'm finding that i can't.

ive always been very open that for me, gender is a thing I Do, and i guess to those who know me well it wouldnt be surprising to hear that i have gotten tired of Doing Being a Man and dont feel like playing that particular gendered game anymore. I tend to get bored of things! and find the flaws in things. and find my comfort in being fault-finding and contrarian and not being a joiner. and thats okay. i learned a lot along the way. not having to try any more is a huge relief. i can just do whatever. and know actively that people will more often than not be wrong in what they make of me.

maybe it was natural feeling for you to decidely 'know' your maleness without a care for masculine standards because that is the right identity for you! and maybe i only feel secure in the "not knowing" realm and in letting go of what people think of me or finding any kind of tidy categorization for it because that's the right spot for me. for now. until i find a new interesting way to be unhappy and striving for more and different again. :) that's just part of being alive, for me.

[dragonvhs]

I've been wanting to do this forever so why not now

RATING SPYRO'S MODELS IN EACH GAME (these are the models themselves, not like his designs outside of the games in like promotional materials and stuff. That may be a later post idk yet)

Spyro 1

The classic Spyro design. The small line of blue scales. The little yellow gradient on his cheeks and snout in cutscenes. The brown horns and big, expressive eyes. Oh yeah, this is prime Spyro right here. Will take points because the wings are very small and awkwardly shaped, which to be fair it is 1998 playstation so like. What can you do.

9/10

Spyro 2/3

Now this? This is perfection here. Takes everything the Spyro 1 model does and does it better. Still has the little blue scales I love so much and the brown horns, but with much better wing shape and size. Top tier Spyro model. Might be my favorite of all of them, even.

10/10

Spyro: Enter the Dragonfly

I like how they decided to texture in more scales during the jump from ps1 to ps2. Sadly this may be the only thing i like about this model. It's not the worst thing i've ever seen, but it looks so... gummy? Some of the details look kind of odd to me, like the yellow claws and unevenly spaced lines along his chest. This also removed the blue scales lining around his underbelly and adds the yellow horns which I'm not crazy about. A few points for still trying to be mostly loyal to the ps1 designs shape wise.

5/10

Spyro: A Hero's Tail

Now this is a pretty good improvement from the enter the dragonfly model. I'm not crazy about the snout shape, looks a bit too round and i think the nostrils are a bit too high on his face, but overall a good spyro! the introduction of the purple eyes is cool too (personally im a red eyed spyro truther but still)

7/10

Spyro: Shadow Legacy

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA HOLY FUCK HAHAHHAHA. okay okay okay to be fair this one is a ds game and spyro himself is suuuuper small on the screen so like. of course he'd be low poly. does get some points for spyro having sharper and more mean features. though you probably wouldn't notice in the game

4/10

Legends Spyro New Beginning/Eternal Night

Might be nostalgia talking but I actually still really like this design. I like his snout shape and more lightning bolt shaped horns, and i find his head and back spikes kinda cool, even if i like the classic shape of them better, it works for this design. His horns are a tad bit more brownish (it's more visible in the game), which you know I love. This spyro is overall very cute!! Maybe a bit too cute, but I enjoy him

8/10

Legends Spyro Dawn of the Dragon

I don't. like him.

the back legs look fucked up, the wings are way too thick at the base by the shoulders and then they're so small but then get so long by the end. i like the little added scales along his underbelly. that's about it. you would think taking the previous model and making him older would be easy but i guess not. a point because you can tell he's older and if you only look at his head the model is nice. not the rest though. god.

2/10

Skylanders

This might be controversial but i dont care. i actually like the skylanders spyro design. he leans more into the cool factor than cute, which i can appreciate, and he kinda reminds me of a pug a little bit and i really like pugs. he's got kind of a beast/monster factor i really like. i love love love the horn shape and the big claws, and the yellow claws dont even look awkward here!! the red eyes really pop too! i think he's really fun

7/10

side note i also LOVE spyro's design in the skylanders show too ESPECIALLY HIS COLORING LOOK HOW NICE HE LOOKS it takes the best parts of the game model and improves it. i know this isn't from the game but it's too good not to include.

9/10

Spyro Reignited

I do really really really love this model, it's near perfect. perfectly balances the cute/coolness factor. the shapes are all good, the wings are small but not too small. love the darker scales across his body. his little thumbs are so fun too. honestly this is the best they could have done for a remodel of the first 3 games. only taking off a point because im not crazy about the colors, i prefer the darker purples and brown horns.

9/10

BONUS: CRASH ON THE RUN

Im so torn on this one because on one hand the cartoony stylization really works in these models. i love the bigger snout, i think it's fun, and i LOVE LOVE LOVE taking his head spikes and kind of splitting them up like hair. that's so fun! but on the negative end I HATE THE WAY HIS FEET LOOK SO MUCH OH MY GOD. they're like wretched lumps of clay with little claws jammed into them. granted this was for a mobile app BUT STILL. the feet really just fuck me up a lot

6/10

Okay that is all thanks for reading <3 maybe next time i'll rate spyro renders or something <3

#spyro #spyro the dragon #tlos #the legend of spyro #skylanders

[onawhimsicot]

i know not many people would want to read a 10,000 word article about the minecraft end poem and how the author, Julian Gough, was never fairly compensated for his work and has made it public domain.

But it's a very well-written and heartfelt read, and he makes it very clear that none of this is a cash-grab and despite the fact that he is essentially a starving artist in this capitalist society, he only mentions his financial struggles despite Minecraft's huge huge success at the bottom of this article and not in the tweets so as to not dilute his message.

Anyway, I just think it'd be cool if those who are able to could support him in some way whether it be subscribing to his substack or donating to his paypal (that's linked in the article, you can ctrl + F to find it easier), that's all.

#Edit: Please look at the article for his paypal and his substack!! most ppl are reblogging a version where i didnt mention it oh gosh #im not really. the kind of person to make posts like this and i dont have the spoons to make it look nice. #my tumblrs not that visible anyway so i guess it doesnt actually matter #i just think that understandably not many ppl would read through the entire article and it makes me so sad that even in the article #he talks about how badly he just wants to make art and not play the capitalism game and still he doesnt talk about needing support #on the platforms where it'd be most visible bc he doesnt WANT to play the capitalism game even if society dicates it and its meant to #be an act of LOVE and just. yeah. #minecraft #minecraft end poem #mineblr

[lucabyte]

Hmmm just gonna spit this headcanon out in text post form since A. I don't think I could exposit it well enough in image form and B. It's not actually textually/thematically substantiated and I don't like actually staking my stuff on just vibes alone*

But anyway. I'd say it's pretty evident that all the islanders forgot their names, right? King obviously. Because why the hell else would he do that, but also Siffrin No Middle Names No Last Name.

They're 'pretty sure' they've 'always' been 'Just Siffrin' 'as long as they can remember'. It's a pretty cruel twist of the knife to say that they don't even get to keep their birth name as a memento, which is why I'm saying as such.

My utterly unsubstantiated claim is I think it'd be cute to say that Sisyphus *is* the name Siffrin initially picked, assuming the myth of King Sisyphus is recontextualised as idk, just a play or something in the setting. But I like the idea of Siffrin going 'oh shit 🫵 he's just like me fr' at a tortured fictional character long before the irony kicks in.

As for how Sisyphus -> Siffrin. I think that chronic mumbler and emotional doormat Sif just did not correct people who misheard the name during their time travelling, and went through enough places with incompatible phonologies (pronounceable sounds in the language) without ever really writing it down that it just got kinda. Changed until it was unrecognisable, and Siffrin just went with it until the earlier pronunciations slipped out of their swiss-cheese brain. And they just kinda don't remember any of that.

Also, something something the horrid realisation that Siffrin also named themselves after a King. Just not as blatantly.

*(though I think there's something here about Siffrin, a guy from a belief system that seems to thoroughly disincentivise autonomy and self-motivated choice continuously having their hand forced to make changes/choices they don't want but have no choice but to... It's not solid enough to really back this up tbh, but it informs it.)

Anyway.

#theres also something one of my french-speaker friends said about siffrin's official pronounciation being the feminine way to pronounce -in? #which i dont know enough about to really corroborate and theyre busyyyy and havent started the game yet so i cant really ask #im sure someone else has already voiced this easy-to-come-up-with headcanon anyway but just in case nobody has i decided to post it #isat #isat spoilers #in stars and time #isat siffrin #isat loop #i also personally picture sif (and loop especially) being more hostile to the concept of changing themselves after The Encounter #both of them being big grudge-holders and that 'want' to control your own destiny being clearly against how they interpret the universe #as for whether they should be so hostile? probably not! but they appear to be anxious in fear of some kind of divine retribution should #they like. ever even dare to Want. and uh. well. that certainly went well for Loop. not sure they'd be gung-ho to do it again #so Loop being able to go 'oh well it wasn't my REAL name' as a salve for having to make a new identity AGAIN.... #while sif is explicitly clinging to it as an anchor for Who They Are If Nothing Else.. they can upset each other and also mirabelle i think #lucabytetalks

[stromblessed]

Mizu's spectacles, and the levels of her disguise

In drafting some more Blue Eye Samurai meta posts, I find myself writing out the comparisons between what Mizu can and cannot hide about herself, and how that affects how she moves through the world.

Like, I get the jokes about Mizu's glasses, if only color contacts had existed back then, etc. etc., and I think (hope) that most viewers don't take the glasses jokes seriously, as in "I don't care about the suspension of disbelief because BES is a cartoon." But I wanted to write these thoughts out anyway without burying them in a text post about something else.

I think the points I'm going to lay out here are viewed very differently by different people, so please feel free to add to this post, reply, or put your thoughts in the tags!

Not only do Mizu's glasses not actually help her that much, there's surely more to Mizu's mixed race appearance than just the color of her eyes.

In my view, this was pointed out in episode 1:

I'm willing to bet most of us were expecting young Taigen to say "blue eyes," not "ROUND eyes."

Obviously this is still about Mizu's eyes, but not even spectacles can hide their shape.

I don't think the show is obligated to point out everything about Mizu's face that isn't quite as Japanese as the people around her expect. Though the creators have said that they specifically designed Mizu - and her clothes - to read both as "white" and as "Japanese," as well as both male and female. I think there's more about Mizu's features that read as "white" than just her eyes.

This is where my own headcanons start entering the picture, but it's my impression that people can just tell that Mizu looks different, whether or not they can put a finger on exactly how.

There's the little girl who looks at Mizu and then hides on the way into Kyoto:

When there's more to your face you'd like to cover up than just your eyes, big hats are a big help!

By the way, most of these examples have to come from the first half of the season, since by the second half, either Mizu is too preoccupied with fighting henchmen, or everyone Mizu is facing knows who she is already, and she therefore has no reason to hide her mixed race identity.

It's worth mentioning that the mere fact that Mizu has to hide multiple aspects of her identity - her mixed race and her sex - results in her having to choose clothes that really, really cover her up, which doesn't win her any favors either:

(Zatoichi reference, anyone?)

If it were as easy as, for example, tying her glasses to her head and wa-lah, nobody would ever know she was half-white - then (1) Mizu would've just done that long ago, and (2) Mizu wouldn't be so on guard and on tenterhooks 100% of the time the way she's depicted in the show, even when her glasses are on.

Her spectacles sure don't help her in the brothel, which is full of observant women who are trying to seduce her, meaning they get good long looks at her:

Mizu never takes her glasses off, but they still send a woman to her who has light eyes, thinking that must be what will interest a blue-eyed man:

No wonder Mizu gets mad after this, lol

So Mizu never takes her spectacles off in the brothel, it's dimly lit inside, and the women can still tell that she has blue eyes. I'm getting the sense that Mizu putting on her spectacles isn't a guarantee that people suddenly can't tell that she looks different.

And yet no one spots that she's female.

Mizu can hide her breasts, can wear her hair in the right style, can hide what's between her legs, can walk and talk and behave like a man - and she's been doing it for almost her entire life, to the point that not only is she very good at it, but the threat of being found out as female is deadly, but isn't presented in the show as omnipresent.

Let me explain.

She threatens Ringo for nearly saying the word "girl" out loud, because while she's constantly ostracized for being mixed race, being a woman traveling without a chaperone, carrying a sword, and disguised as a man will get her killed or flogged or arrested or some combination of these things.

But in addition, it's been drilled into her since she was a child that if she is discovered as female, the combination of her being mixed race and female will identify her as someone extremely specific, someone known to some bad people, and she will be killed:

I think of it as Mizu thinking to herself, "Being found out as mixed race means I'm treated badly. Being found out as mixed race and a woman means I'm dead."

Mizu's hair is cut as a child. But she isn't made to wear a big hat, or cover her eyes somehow, or anything like that. Because hiding her sex is a more successful endeavor than hiding her race.

Ringo finds out she's female by accident, but once Mizu accepts the fact that he won't rat her out, she relaxes pretty early on in the season. Because the threat of being found out as female is mitigated pretty much 99.9%, since Mizu has gotten so good at being a man. And also, because most of the time, people see what they want to see. Even if Mizu's face makes her stand out as "not 100% Japanese," no one in the world of BES looks at Mizu's clothes, her bearing, her sword, hears her voice, and will ever in a million years conclude that she is a woman, because expectations around gender roles in the Edo period were so rigid and so widely enforced.

One detail that proved this to me is after the Four Fangs fight:

Ringo takes off Mizu's clothes so he can stitch her up, then leaves her clothes off even after he's done. He doesn't even throw her cloak over her as a blanket or anything. There's a little a straw (pallet?) as a divider there on the left, but anyone could just peek around it and see Mizu and her chest bindings. (I think it's mostly there as a windbreaker.)

And Taigen is right there, but he doesn't give a shit:

Opinions probably vary hugely on this, but my impression is that because the show doesn't make any kind of deal about Taigen being in the room with Mizu here, my guess is that Mizu isn't in any danger of Taigen thinking she's female. Even when I watched the show for the first time, I assumed that Taigen had seen Mizu out of her clothes here, and that he thought nothing of it.

Eat your heart out, Li Shang (Mulan 1998). I actually do think that this scene is a direct and purposeful side-eye to that movie, lol

There's obviously some nuance to how "severe" being mixed race is compared to how "severe" being a woman is for Mizu:

After all, Swordfather can't bear to listen to Mizu confess to being a woman.

So a Japanese man can go wherever he wants, whenever he wants in BES. A Japanese woman has limited options: marriage, religion, or a brothel. A mixed-race man is an eyesore in this story. A mixed-race woman is a death sentence.

May as well eliminate the female aspect, and do what you can about the mixed-race aspect. Because that's just realistic.

Meaning Mizu can avoid the strictures Edo society places on women. But she can't avoid the repercussions that come with being mixed race. And I truly don't think that it's just because "there's no brown contacts yet."

#blue eye samurai #mizu #racism #bes #I am truly disappointed that we didnt get absolute confirmation that Taigen saw Mizus bound chest and just didnt think it was a big deal #but I still think that scene is making a point #again I dont think most people take the glasses jokes seriously #but its been bothering me ever since I first saw them #I really dont think Mizu just looks like a 100 percent Japanese person...... with blue eyes #and I bet that will be made even more obvious when she goes to London where Im sure she will meet plenty of people #who are more than happy to point out their observations to her #also I ran out of room in this post to go into it but this is also what made Mizus marriage an absolutely doomed prospect #Mikio talks about wanting to find the right creature for his lord and well... a mixed race woman is the right creature huh #he just needed a little push imo #getting kind of sad at the thought that Ringo is the only person in Mizus life who knows her whole identity AND accepts it wholly

[puppyeared]

i wanna post my skip to loafer art but i cant do it knowing ppl are gonna put it on tiktok and pinterest bc itd be like. bringing an invasive species ykwim

#my meds just kicked in so im feeling talkative but truly idk how to explain it #its like. with anything else id be more than happy to introduce it to ppl like monkie kid and mp100. witch hat maybe but its personal to me #but skip to loafer is special to me. and i feel bad for saying this bc other ppl do deserve to watch smth they will enjoy #hell the reason i got into it was bc my friend was kind enough to lend me her copy and i got hooked #its so ironic im saying this esp given how insecure i am abt depicting characters wrong. but i really dont want to look thru the tags #and see them on a 'can i copy your homework' tier list. or ppl getting mad abt why egashira mitsumi and shima cant just be a throuple #its just!! i wont stop you if thats how you like to engage with the show or how you interpret it bc ill just ignore it and leave u alone!! #and theres no objective wrong way of doing it!! and i know that interacting with the work is what forms a community after all!! #but keeping it tight knit is just easier for me bc nobody has to worry abt making each other laugh and we can enjoy it for what it is #fully aware im saying this as someone whos drawn monkie kid art with text post memes and owl house draw the squad templates #but at the same time i just. dont want to explain myself or give ppl reasons why shima and mitsumi are ace coded just bc it 'feels right' #fandom is a communal thing and it feels so hypocritical thinking this. too many conflictng thoughts that idk what to act on #yapping

[droodlebug]

i think most people need to expand their idea of art so dipshits can stop saying ai art is actually good for physically disabled people who cant do art. what do you mean when you say art? can we ask that question? if you say that word and all you mean is a pretty portrait or an oil painting, then you need to open yourself up.

art at a base level is just something you made with some kind of strong emotion – some kind of passion – behind it. yes a hyper rendered portrait can still be art. a sketchy pen drawing is art. a mess of colors making shapes on a canvas is art. painting a huge canvas in paintstakingly light layers of a single color so that the end result is perfectly smooth is art.

a song on the speakers in a store is art. an underground indie song you love is art. singing a single sentence song with small children is art. voice acting is art. beading is art. jewlery is art. decorating your home is art. making a house or a person in the sims is art. making dumb ass tiktoks can be art. stuffed animals are art. resin crafting is art. sculpting is art. making little dioramas is art. collecting and cleaning dolls and figures is art. meticulously organizing your desktop and phone layouts is art. getting bored and spraypainting a shelf a new color is art. writing about your favorite show, whether theories or as a fanfiction, is art.

technology is art. engineering is art. architecture is art. science is art. sewing, modding, dress up games, hoke renovations, dancing, singing, fingerpainting, cooking, cross stitching, baking, making a blog or an essay about something you love, or hate, cmor care about, dearly, rearranging store shelves, crochet, making people laugh, icing a box mix cake, the way scientists talk about their field, literary analysis, printing shirts, personalizing your car, sex work, editing a picture to print, scrapbooking, getting really into planners, putting stickers on your things. its all art

when i say ai art isnt art, and it isnt a good tool for disabled people to make art. im not saying you have to be like me, who is physically disabled, and fingerpaint or that you have to learn to paint and draw with your mouth or toes or whatever. i mean art is something you are passionate about, and you need to find the kind of art that speaks to you and lets you express yourself. if that means you push your disabled (or abled) body to draw portraits of people like yours truly, then thats wonderful. if that just is not your art, thats wonderful too. theres so much out there to try.

you dont have to limit yourself to the first kind of art that pops in your head when you hear the word. and always remember. it doesnt have to be good or marketable. it just has to be yours

#idk im just thinking about some notes i saw on an ai post #about another disabled person saying something like..m well i shouldnt have to learn how to paint with my teeth to make art #and i agree. but thats not an excuse to take advantage of a skeevy ai program dubiously using art posted online. #it just means you need to find your outlet. if you arent willing to find your workaround to paint then dont paint. find other art #its okay to be dissappointed about that. its not okay to choose to let that hurt other people #its okay to yearn for something you cant do. im shit at any kind of fiber art and it hurts my physically and i wish it wasnt like that #but i do just have to accept its not the avenue for me and that is okay #conversely it does cause my pain to sit up and paint and i cant always hold a brush without pain and using needles bends back my fingers #but its what i need to do to express myself. so i keep working witg it and finding ways to make it accessible to me #im just not willing to do that with crochet or knitting #if you arent willing to find ways to do it. then it is worth thinking about if its something you need and really want to do. or if its just #a nice idea and something that would be cool.

[emptylotfiasco]

wanting to have sex with a character literally makes EVERYONE STUPID!!!!!!!

#i used to say this about matt murdock and its true. his disease poisons womens brains like the chum bucket helmets in the spongebob movie #and makes them fill his tag with x reader fanfics portraying him as a sexy charming devil even tho his drywall is full of fist sized holes #anywas. this is about sagawa #because i think he is very interesting. i really like this realisation at the end that he was just as much of a cog in the machine as majim #and that all the violence he committed was impersonal and meaningless and thats just part of the world that they live in #but you can also never EVER look for content for him. because everyone hates him and the people who dont hate him WANNA FUCK HIM!!! WHY!!! #and u know what im sure that wouldnt be so bad if wanting to fuck him DIDNT MAKE EVERYONE STUPID!!! #but his grindset mentality and abusive dadcore behaviour has scared away all the intellectual hoes!!!!! #idk.... in the fandom there is a lack of like..... people wanting to engage with a dark crime story on its merits. i know there is antics #but like. theres not just antics. i kind of like the mirei stuff because it goes hey this fan favourite guy you like is A BAD PERSON. #just like all the people in these games. because theyre involved in organised crime. ITS CALLED. ITS CALLED YAKUZA. #so i think icking away from some characters because theyre 'too bad' isnt in the spirit of these games. #when kiryu is beating shibusawa to a pulp at the end of y0 he still thinks of oda you know #and stop wanting to fuck everyone!!!!!!! its making you retarded!!!!!!! ok end of post

[yaoianime]

Soon im rly gonna do it

#🕸️ #sui mention #< in the tags tho cuz it feels nicer to talk abt this in tags than in the post itself cuz to me posts are like talking normally but tags are #like whispering? talking you can tune out if you want but whispering is rather more voluntary to say it doesnt matter however #every single year passes and i wish i didnt live in each and every one of them i feel disconnected dissatisfied empty disappointed every day #it can be a small part of a day or a bigger but its still there clenching onto me like and never letting go im tired of it theres always a #wall between me and otyer ppl im unsure if i put it there or was it put there by other ppl but its there and even if anyone tries to reach #into it do i understand how even if close are we really far away it makes me understand just how much of an abnormality i am and how much i #cant ever be like them no matter how much i try and climb and crawl until i bleed its exhausting its maddening #almost everything i do is shaped by spite i wear one bracelet for years out of spite i dont smoke out of spite i dont shave my hands not #only because im normal abt body hair but also out of spite the more i know ppl the spiteful i get only way for me to truly like someone is #to keep them at a lenght outside that wall if they get in then theres only two choices for them to dislike me or even hate my entire being #or me to shove them back out without ever letting them get in #coworkers say im a nice kind person but im not its all just a facade to make my life easier and to suit myself im hateful but i dont believe #its entirely my fault after all they will to my face make fun of. laugh at. and hate everything of me they would see in other ppl that dont #hide it deep within like i do and then it rly hits me how different abnormal foul disgusting and unnatural i am #im hit with his every talk that goes on too long every word that keeps going every touch every expression every comment made on my behalf #its exhausting to live this way i fear im near my limit i havent reached it but who knows when i will #i sometimes dream of doing it and leaving behind a note wishing nothing but painful suffering to everyone i ever knew irl but i dont want to #do that to my best friends and my dog but who knows how long its left before the thread breaks #thats all like comment and subscribe if you personally would do me a favor by taking me out back and shooting me

[orcelito]

Thinking about using the journal I got for writing my dad's eulogy for trying to process my grief with it. The letter from me I found in his lockbox is still in that front sleeve, along with one of the memorial folders they had at the funeral.

I think I don't want to write it all on here. I think I've talked about my emotions too much as of late.

#speculation nation #negative/ #kind of. i guess. #the thing about grief is that it really just never ends. #so im done with the funeral. the time is over. here i am. hes dead. im alive. time to move on. #but it's not that simple. of course it's not. #but would my followers who followed me just for my writing even Care? #honestly surprised i havent lost more followers. or any? idk i havent been paying much attention to numbers #but i know it hasnt really gone down much if at all #i just feel. like im not the person that people initially followed. #and i dont know when im going to be that person again. #there's no enthusing here. anytime im making text posts it's about The Situation. #i wonder how evident my grief is to you all. i feel it in my every breath. #i havent been working yet i feel weak. it's hard to feel much at all. #either im existing and im helping with packing or im crying again bc i remembered my dad cant help me pick out a car now #(in the Vaguely In The Future me buying a used car idea. for after i get my license. whenever that is.) #or im crying bc of jackets or colognes or a letter in a lockbox or a stupid minions hat picture in a too-big frame #or laughing bc Dad In A Bag (his ashes are downstairs. im far too unbothered by their presence) #ive been having an... okay time. we watched Dune today and i started building a lego set. it was nice. #but im only ever Okay. emotions hard to access. interests certainly not accessible. #making it hard to be creative at all. im literally only going through the motions here. #theres no heart. i left it behind when i got that 2 am call and had to rush to the hospital to watch my dad die. #i left it behind when i touched his cold arm for the last time. when i walked out of that room & knew id never see him again. #i know a week is still far too soon to be over it. but im sick of feeling this way. #it still doesnt feel real. feels like im following the bad end route just to see. i should still be able to reload my past save. #but this is my life now. forever until the end. out of nowhere hes dead and hes never coming back #and it's just really fucking hard to care about just about Anything else right now. #i prommy im gonna use the journal next time i get the urge to vent about this. im sick of this crap too.

[ozymoron]

reading posts that come across my dash and sitting for a minute to debate with my mental disorder if not reblogging this will mean a hell portal will open beneath my feet and i will suffer for eternity for my lack of action or if its all good and i can just scroll on by (its usually the hell portal thing)

#⚠️ #personal #having ocd makes making moral decisions so fucking hard for no reason #cause ill see a post thats like info or seems important and like i can tell its that kind of post just by skimming it st first and somethin #clicks in my brain that just tells me if i dont share that post everyone will know and think im a horrible person #regardless of what the actual post is about #i need like a handbook on how to make proper moral decisions #cause like yeah i do care about things i try to share stuff about things i care about and believe are important but sometimes i dont have #the energy to read long as posts and my brain twists it to make it out that people will know and i am the bad guy #idk my ocds telling me even saying this makes me a bad person #the fact i even struggle with this #sometimes i think im not built for social media but really i think social medias not built for people like me #maybe i should get help for my ocd but the idea of describing all the shit going on in my brain to someone just makes me feel scared #cause like i dont know when to draw the line at making something a problem i should actively have a hand in helping #how much is too much when do i stop #<- in regards to my own mental health like the mental exhaustion that can come from it i hope this makes sense #like some things you gotta invest like emotional shit into and like sometimes im just tired and i come on here and im faced with one of #those posts and i just have to debate with myself what the fuck im supposed to do #this is more a me issue than anything i need to sort this shit out with some mental health professional or something #cause like i dont want to have people think i dont care about these things i do and ik pressing reblog takes like no energy but idk man #im not even sure if some of the shit i reblog is cause i care or is just an ocd compulsion #i feel like most times its both #i cant help but think im the problem here i want to be on social media its just so draining having my mind repeatedly hound me for not like #showing enough care (reblogging more posts) about a certain issue online #idk im so tired of it all im so tired of my mind i wish i didnt have ocd #vent #so funny right after i posted this i scrolled down and one of these posts was rigjt beneath it and the debate happens all over again #lord i need to get out of here

[raspberryjellybrains]

its been a billion years since I posted anything meaningful about mcga but I'm thinking about Alex helping Magnus with clothes.

I think Blitzen would love to help style Magnus, but I think he might accidentally end up being a bit overbearing, albeit with good intentions. He wants to help, but would probably end up tripping over his own fashion opinions more often than not, and Magnus would want to make his friend happy too much to actually voice his own opinions consistently. But Alex would understand that identity through fashion is something slow to be discovered on your own. It's not instant, it's a slow process of trying things and finding out what makes you feel good physically and emotionally. You can't pressure a person finding their own style, especially someone who's never had much room to do so and will likely feel guilty about making that room. She's gone through the process, and she'd probably be more than happy to help someone with it too.

I'm thinking about them going around to different stores and finding that Magnus likes second hand and low-end boutique stuff more than anything. Alex letting him onto her etsy account and buying his first piece of jewelry, taking him around to all of her favorite stores where she's greeted as a friend. Yeah, they could do all this in Valhalla, but where's the fun in that?

I think Magnus would like earth tones and dark, muted colors. He would avoid synthetic materials for their unnaturally soft textures and blue would make rare appearances. Alex would parade him around in his first pair of White Guy Khaki Shorts in five years, glowing with a silly sort of pride and Magnus feeling something kindle back to life in his chest at a growing collection or flannels, just like his mom. I'm imagining Magnus learning what it's like to live with his body, rather than despite it, and feel comfortable with himself in his surroundings for the first time since he was a little kid, taking a hike in the woods. And I'm thinking of Alex holding his hand the whole time.

#feeling sooooo sos normal rn #and i dont mean to make this post and trample the people who feel clothing has no bearing on their comfort or self perception #i just want to talk about how much it can mean to someone trying to find who they really are and come to terms with that person #and when i say style i dont mean aesthetic or fashion. i simply mean personal preferences for comfort and look (if that matters) #your personal style can literally be cheap graphic tees and basketball shorts and if that makes you happy then have fun!! live your truth!! #this is just me noting that magnus seems to almost intentionally avoid clothes except to mention discomfort and i think he should get a #happier relationship with his outer appearance than he has especially considering the royal fuckery thats happened with his bodily autonomy #and confidence within the context of the series #i might be crazy and projecting but i just want to give him something kind. as a treat. #and alex does seem to enjoy sharing her passions with those she cares about!! its quality time without any kind of social expectations #regarding the nature of their attachment. she can just spend time with someone she likes doing something she likes no strings attached. #im sure its qlso fun to gently heckle things throughout the process with someone whos gonna just nod along 💀 #im thinking way too hard about this #but im gonna hit post and know. i am still thinking. #magnus chase #alex fierro #mcga #mcga headcannon #raspberry rambles

[paigemathews]

While it’s obviously canon that Chris has an inferiority complex to Wyatt, I think that Melinda also has a complex relationship with being “Wyatt’s sister” and how she’s viewed through that lens. It’s definitely not the same thing at all, but I do think that it’s definitely a factor for her relationship with Wyatt and the magical community as well. 

With that said, I don’t necessarily think that Wyatt really gets Chris or Mel’s issues with it, but I do think that he’s at least aware of them. There are a lot of italics in that sentence, but my main thought is that Wyatt has, at the very least, the knowledge that both of his siblings dislike the way that they’re perceived or seen through/as their relationship to him.

Which is why I think that one of the fastest ways to get Wyatt to like you, beyond just the immediate surface level, is to flip the script to prioritize Chris/Mel respectively. Like Bianca meets Wyatt and just goes, so you’re Chris’s brother and Wyatt is immediately like. I like her :)

#charmed #wyatt halliwell #melinda halliwell #chris halliwell #next gen #i honestly dont know if this really makes sense but its a thought i have #i dont think that wyatt dislikes people who call chris or mel his brother or sister but its more #someone meeting the three of them and seeing chris and mel for who they are and actually getting it #im not explaining this well but its the vibes #this goes honestly for the whole next gen if we're being honest #lbr chris's issues aren't exactly subtle like they all can clock the daddy issues and inferiority complex #(and y'know what its so awkward whenever someone makes a joke about daddy issues in front of leo so ofc it keeps happening) #and while mel's isn't honestly that big of a thing it's still something that makes her roll her eyes or make a face #and the other next gen kids DO pick up on her dislike of it too and know that it's v much a chris and mel thing #bc they're not wyatt's siblings and they can kind of see the direct comparisons going on #so they're more likely to be cool with a person who actually pays attention to chris and mel and notices that #(bc. it's not subtle like at all) #i just have a lot of feelings about the relationship between the next gen #i dont know if anyone else saw that post about encanto where it was talking about how the family blends together #so that you dont necessarily know who's a sibling or cousin/aunt or mother #but that's how i imagine the next gen to an extent #bc the sisters were so enmeshed into each others lives and we frankly didnt exactly see them grow out of it and i just think #that with the element of family/sisterhood embedded in their magic that the kids would kind of just #end up being very embedded in each other's lives and have a much more sibling esque closeness #i will be honest i dont actually know how normal it is to be close with your cousins bc i v rarely talk to mine #so maybe its normal. or maybe its weird idk #these tags are longer than the post ffs

[rohirric-hunter]

.

#girl help people on the lotro forums are being stupid again #tolkiens catholocism is not an excuse to insist that all orcs are irredeemably evil #in fact its evidence to the contrary #because a really big important part of all different kinds of christianity is that no matter what there is always a chance for redemption #there is always a way BACK #(assuming were going with the story that orcs are corrupted elves which is most peoples go to if not strictly canon) #and like i dont want the whole game to be about it but once saurons out of the picture? #yeah i kind of like the idea that some orcs can find their way back #maybe it wouldnt happen this fast but everything in lotro happens fast. get over it #and dear lord i cant believe *i* have to be the one to say this #i dont post about it a lot but im like. extremely conservatively christian #why is it falling to ME to make this argument #FOR THE RECORD i have been on the forums for several hours and had a couple of very civil and good interactions there #but i think i am done for now i have a headache #for the record this wasnt the only stupid person #someone also said that half orcs were breaking tolkiens lore #????????????????????? thats literally in the book

[hoodienanami]

ppl on this site will be like 'the sex pistols were soooo mean and evil and terrible so theyre not punk!!!' and then worship bad brains

#hoodie talks #all four of the actual sex pistols are better ppl then hr from bad brains could ever hope to be #also the linked article doesnt mention that hr loves beating the shit out of women and has been accused of rape #so if you actually think 'punk is kind' then you wouldnt be reccing his band #i like their music too but hr can die painfully just like all other domestic abusers and rapists #the rest of bad brains are fine tho theyve made apologies for The Incident and explained that their religion twisted their minds #and im very pro not viewing an entire band as Just their frontman so im not saying dont listen to them #im just saying dont be a hypocrite #btw the sex pistols were never violent or dangerous band! ppl were violent towards them but they didnt want violence at shows #sid vicious was violent yes but he wasnt part of the band until 1977 #and since the pistols broke up in january 1978 that means sid was in the band for barely a year #the rest of the band really didnt like how he acted and actually tried to stop him #but its very difficult to talk sense into a suicidal heroin addict #anyway i could tell you facts about your fav punk/hardcore band that would make you shit rocks for weeks! #theyre all bad ppl! everyone in the music industry is a bad person! #punk rock posting

[dirt-str1der]

Thinking nonstop and reflecting on my past and the people i have talked with whom i now hate. Badly

#Listen to my problems #this is a vent post -> #i cannot believe she had the gall to text me out of nowhere and then delete her text like girl now i am thinking of how much i dislike you #and how worthless you are. like ok. at least you knew to go away #like somewhere out there im certain you will be someones favourite person but i wish you were dead #theres always a word i use when talking about my least favourite person and it is worthless #crazy how a person in real life can have 0 redeeming qualities and not just negative rizz but also be pathetic beyond measure #do you ever think of people you talk to because of circumstance and you get kind of close and you have way more contact than you would like #and you end up hating them so much because you were kind of close. like yeah if we met in passing i would not have despised you #but now i know how its like to be your friend and it is the worst experience of my life #like if we really hadnt talked. if we hadnt shared minimum 2 interests that was a gateway to me learning about the rest of you that is #completely terrible. AND liking the things i like and making it bad is like 😟 how can you like this piece of media if you like it shittily #how do you like the same things as me but in a way completely divorced from the thing itself my god you dont even deserve to be gutted #i understand exile as a punishment now. like no way im using up my state’s resources and facilities for you just get out of here