#its just a fucking never ending cycle

[kinky-asexual]

*lays on the floor*

#vent in the tags i guess so heads up #ive literally had the worst luck this year #i just got in my 3rd car accident #2 in as many weeks #and im just #im so tired #i really want to die but thats inconvient and scary and itll make my mom sad and my fiance sad #bc it feels likenit just liles up and up and up #theres no end #and i dont have time to do what i love anymore #and i cant handle all the shit that keeps happening to me #and im just a burden on my parents financially even tho they say im not i am i know i am #my job sucks but i cant do anything else and this is like the most ive ever gotten paid but its still fucking poverty wages and im stuck #im too dumb to run my own business #i cant get any kind of mental help bc my insurance sucks bc i cant afford anything better bc my job sucks #its just a fucking never ending cycle #and im just tired #now my cars fucked again and i cant drive it now #who knows when ill be able to get a rental so im gonna have to pay out the ass for luft and uber bc i work at Bar hours #which means they charge more #and i love fucking 30 minutes away so even non peak driving times its still like 30 bucks both ways #and im fucking poor as shit #i couldnt even get fucking hurt in these accidents so i could get a medical pay out #i just want to stop #sorry if you've read this far #its sad boy hours here rn #ill delete this later i guess #maybe maybe ill just rot away like i should #whatever

[very-lost-hobbit]

Seeing so many people I once respected and even adored/admired prove themselves mask off antisemites when given the chance and an "appropriate" enough reason is so incredibly heartbreaking. So many left leaning and supposedly empathetic people apparently do not hear themselves right now.

#my entire heart to the jewish community because MAN. I know it's never GREAT but the last few months have been ROUGH. #Obligatory of COURSE I care about the people suffering in Gaza too but. I should not have to qualify this post by saying that. #My empathy contains mulititudes I can care about multiple things at once. #Anyways. I can't imagine how much harder all of this in its entirety is for people actually affected by it <3 <3 <3 #also it's very easy to criticize the current Israeli administration without being antisemetic because FUCK Bibi he's an enemy to peace #just as much as Hamas is! They both suck! Hey look at that I just did it! #Wish things could hurry up and get the two state solution activists in the region have been calling for & an end to the cycle of pain. #Also. INCHERESTING how it was ''poor poor Russians they can't help where they live :('' vs ''ALL JEWS ARE COMPLICIT IN THIS ATROCITY'' #really really INTERESTING 🤔🤔🤔 (not to make everything ever about my main mantle- BUT. lol) #I also think some North Americans esp are projecting their own guilt for living on stolen land onto this conflict #but that's a different conversation #antisemitism #kat gets personal #me

[princeinsomniavoid]

I can't even think right now man I've just curled up into a ball and It hurts

#adventure time #fiona and cake spoilers #like not even joking #not even a little bit #this physically is putting me in agony #I'm not going to be ok for the ending of this #pen ward adam muto and natasha allgeri sure know how to just fuck my entire shit up #like... i can't even try to come up with some sort of theory of how this all ends because none of its good #either Simon dies; puts the crown back on and dies on a figurative level starting this hellish cycle all over again #or goes back to Ooo and continues living his miserable existence without Betty #or lives in limbo with Golbetty which he wont last long in #it just #i don't even know #i have no idea how this is going to go but i know im not ready for it in any capacity #im never going to be normal ever again #im never going to be able to think about anything ever again #im never going to recover #this is going to be Come Along With Me all over again except worse I just know it #im going to kms #i need to sleep #its 4 in the morning #im not okay

[dullahandyke]

i look at some of u guys talking abt a new show u watched or a new thing u read and im like. holy shit thats a thing u can do. im in awe of u. i spend my time slowly ping-ponging between several interests whose base componants i can never experience because i get scard

#right now its danganronpa again grin. did u know ive been into it on and off for lets say 7 years at this point #and ive never once played it myself. i have it installed on this laptop ready to go and i just! never open it! #because if Im the one playing it then i have to pay attention and i get scared #but if im watching a lets player i just naturally pay attention without the pressure #ive talked before how i always feel i need to have the smart cool takes on shit #n this deep plays into that #idk boti was good for me bcos nobody fucking knew what it was so nobody could judge me for pardoning anotsu's crimes bcos he was hot #so i probs need to do that again #yknow a thing where i disconnect from anything that anyone knows about and get really really into some dipshit manga from 2008 #but also like. i get a lot of my media recs from people talking abt what they like #which then means i defacto have someone who is gonna know if my takes are shit #and like even now. im watching mop cycle w dri and im having fun w it #but i feel bad bcos i see so many ppl like This Is The Best Anime Ever and i just like. dont get it #like i can actively feel the messages and shit whooshing over my head #its a fine anime! i'm having fun watching it! but i don't get all the commentary abt pacifism or whatever #idk. something something my need to be The Smart Kid The Bookworm Kid that went unchecked too long without peers to challenge me #so now im here like Uh Oh #and like this wouldnt be the end of the world (save for its impact on my mood n stuff) #but also like. i am an english student. i should know this shit. but i stragiht up do not feel smart enough to sometimes #i keep coasting by on the assumption that im a smart kid and i'll automatically be better than my peers #and im being disproven #i got an english exam back tonight and i got like 63% #and i like college! i just dont like. college. #anywho its approaching 3am and i have a 9am tomorrow morning which means bedtime

[jirai-kei-freak]

why does it have to be this way

#Why #I was doing so good this past year #There were times I was literally crying tears of joy because I haven’t felt as happy as I was in years #Now shit’s coming back and I don’t like it #Every fucking time man #“Well life is supposed to have its ups and downs” HAVE YOUVE WENT THROUGH WHAT I WENT THROUGH #summer through all the way to the end of 2023 was one of two of the most miserable times I ever went through #I was almost never happy #Had cheap laughs for like 20 minutes then back to misery #There wasn’t a single day were I didn’t wish i was dead #Literally I would wake up and i immediately wanted to start crying #Thats how bad things were #You could see it in my face how lonely and miserable i was #I hadnt felt that empty for like a good few years since then #It was to the point where I thought there was never going to be light in my life ever again #I went through some fucked up shit and now im traumatized 10x more then i was before #The first day of school was a weak after some extremely traumatic stuff happened man #Then the new year started and everything was starting to get better #I started taking medication #I was much more happier #My self esteem boosted up #I started working on myself and became a better person #I dont think i ever had a period of my life where i felt THAT BETTER #Like I said i was crying because I had felt a massive weight lifted off my shoulders #It literally felt like i saw the light #I legitimately thought things were getting truly getting better #It’s just gonna be the same damn cycle over and over again huh? #For several months I feel depressed as shit #Then for a few months things start to clear up #Then suddenly and abruptly things go back to the shit

[hellhoundlair]

okay but sam after dean dies really can NEVER go home :(

#thinking abt post finale sam being fucked up after everything that happened and him going thru with having an apple pie life and whatever #but he can never truly get over it and everyone can tell #and it becomes a whole thing. the most innocuous things will make him stop and think of dean and mourn again #and when he names his son dean jr everyone who knows is like ... 😬 are you sure about that name #and he project onto that kid SOOO MUCH and hes a good dad and hes patient and caring with him #but he also relies on him so much emotionally without realising it #he pulls a lot of ''its you and me against the world'' and ''youre the only person i can trust with this information'' type shit #without fully realising what hes doing. like thats his dean Reborn Baby doll and thats what he was like with dean so whats the problem #i also just like the idea of sam just being a. a good dad who doesnt do that. but i think the long con of thinking sams going to be the #normal one who breaks the cycle and ends up repeating it in such a specacular and emotionally manipulative fashion is also fun

[wickershells]

txt

#i am actually the worst person alive every now and then the weight of all the guilt and grief and humiliation really hits me #i am not liked at all and i keep eroding all of my remaining relationships and i have fucked up my life beyond repair and i am #truly never getting out of this cycle no matter what meds i take at what dosage or if i talk out my feelings or if i keep them inside #or if i get therapy or if i dont if i have friends if i dont if my family likes me if they dont if my dog is alive or if hes dead its just #me theres something broken in me no matter how hard i believe and try and hope and pray i just wont get better i always end up here #i have consistently been the worst most absent friend i have ruined everything ive touched i feel contagious im contagious #i cant expect people to keep loving me and i definitely cant expect them to keep saying it over and over when it isnt true and they dont #want to and people dont even ask if im alright anymore they already know im not and just dont care because how could they #i dont get better it would just weigh on them all the time and how fair is that really i wish no one had ever met me i wish i wish #i betray all my promises to myself and others and im so stupid im so dumb and i just. theres nothing at all in here #i cant stand the loneliness anymore but i dont deserve anything else. do you see #and its my fault people no longer care its all my fault im so alone. i feel so alone. no one can know me and love me and they will all #be fine they have everyone they need they have everyone they want. i am no one at all not even to myself #theres an abyss where my personhood should be #i have to leave i have to get out of here

[snekdood]

so to me it looks like israel is enabling conspiracy theory thinking around the world, causing more ppl to be antisemitic, making more jewish people look to israel as if its the only place they will be safe from literally being hate crimed, which is ultimately the goal of israel's govt. so uh yeah the israeli govt is fucking evil and netanyahu can choke and die for all i care.

#enabling not as in they actually have all this power but that they play it off LIKE they do to both make israeli citizens feel like its #the only secure safe place and also to push antisemitism around the world to push more jewish ppl to israel #and it just becomes this never ending self perpetuating cycle #he doesnt care about jewish ppl. he wants scared codependent civilians. #its a lot easier to control scared codependent citizens. #and it gives israel more ground to stand on as far as existing bc 'where else will jewish ppl go. who else will care about them' etc etc. #oh and a lot of yall arent helping by blindly reposting antisemitic conspiracy theory shit. you're basically doing his work for him. #and like ive been saying: making the situation so much fucking worse.

[ghosttownwherenoonegoes]

Tw vent in tags

#i csnt do this anymore #seriously considering dropping out again #i can't keep up and always end up in shitty situations bc i never follow my schedule properly 😩 #i hate the way i keep repeating the same cycle #I don't see the point in trying anymore #i AM trying no matter what i say but I'm just... idk #im starting to emotionally shut down #just told Taylor i didnt have time for eddie like???? i always have time for eddie #i think fi i stay up all night i can save this #fix the beinf so far behind its almost impossible to cstcj up #im either gonna lose my shit and break stuff #or keep goinf bc like ozzy says #kickinf back dont make it #i csnt do this im sorry Uncle Wayne 💔 #im gonna cry just thinking abt how disapproving and disappointed in me he would be rn #im 2 weeks behind on uni #1 week is last semester one week is this semester #still catching up on last semester before i can start the assignment due in 4 days and its a big one #and ehile this frantic catch-up is going on the new semester is ongoing so im behind there too #fuck this i wanna drop out so bad #sorry eddie and uncle wayne for disappointing you #im so angry at myself i could vomit #stupid fucking lazy bitch #this happened bc pulling too mzny hours at work #but i need the money to support my parents #this is all for a future i dont even believe in so whats the point??? #im never gonna achieve my dream of beinf a neuropsychologist #im not a natural hardworker snd i always do thus and i hate myself

[saviorpilled]

thinking abt genloss AGAIN and feeling sick to my tummy it makes me so fucking sad aoaouughhh

#bowieposting #genloss #just thinking abt the show cycle shit #the end is never actually the end and its just. oughh #the worst parts of the show have to be relived over and fucking over #im so devastated GOD

[arcaneyouth]

got so mad about the futile task of preserving everything mankind has ever known i just spent the last 2 hours writing up a script for a comic about it. i am normal and can be trusted to have normal opinions about inevitability and endings

#'its so tragic how we cant preserve every tiny thing' everything ends bitch it comes free with your fucking existing #preservation work is so important. if we keep holding onto grief over not being able to preserve everything im going to start killing #like i get it i get it so much preservation work is fucking vital #but sometimes it feels like everyone just wants to mourn everything thats ever ended #and everything that will ever end #is it not meaningful that it was once alive. #does death counteract the value of it was while it was here. #does the fact that death is possible assign meaning and value enough to it to never let it die. #are you perpetuating an endless cycle of grief you will never escape because you refuse to find joy in the forgotten. #like its ok you can empty your recycle bin on your computer its fine

[red-dyed-sarumane]

kyuuyakus so good not only bc its like the only song heavy enough i can tolerate at loud volumes that can Almost drown out my coworker who never shuts up but ALSO for the points ive said 74times & will continue to,

aru sekai shoushitsu set us up for something super sci-fi, which. yes. the series very much is. but it was so technical and almost coldly indifferent. and then we're given the whole "old testament" in the title & the whole intro reading that isnt far from dantes inferno type content as my good friend emimin pointed out. we've got this new aspect added in and at the same time the lyrics let you know this character's still dealing with the complex technical stuff, from the terms down to the second kanji in ashita being incomplete as though because of a program error or interruption or some other similar reason.

and it feels even more different because theres just so much emotion in this one compared to shoushitsu. all the "bye-bye"s written in ways that express deep pain, the fact that the "see you tomorrow"s are cut off in the way they are the first time, and so drawn out the second time. the genre's not the spacey, distant trance type that shoushitsu is; its heavy, its intense, its got as much to it musically as there are details in the story. it's not just to sound cool, it's getting her state of mind across just as much as the spoken words. the world's being destroyed physically & metaphorically, everyone's suffered this over and over, they've parted ways so many times and its just never something they can get used to, especially not if they want to keep trying to end this whole loop, she's stressed past imagination trying to keep everything in check when its just not possible, & the intensity of the music just emphasizes all of that. there's less intense parts too, sort of like a forced focus on what she's doing that all too quickly builds to a panic. or the in the second part where everything gets so dire, the bell's tolling and she's running out of time, the piano over top of it giving such an uneasy feeling, and then right back to that heavy panic. theres so much emotional charge in it you know the long notes aren't just magu having fun with it; you just know they're meant as screams. i dont even think i can say screams for help, i think she knows shes past the point of help or at least that she's supposed to be everyone else's source of help that it's just stressed lamentation. she's doing everything she possibly can and its not working so all thats left is to cry out about it.

and then u have the rute furute wo a motif in here that's added in under the "fractal wa/kurikaeshita" parts that really hits harder now with kannagi for extra context. knowing that this is in the past & can't be changed and everyone else is using this as a point of reference. then u of course have the nami no ne wo motif, & the longest & clearest instance of it aside from maybe oumen mokushiroku so u know she's herself & gets to live, gets to keep doing this & watching other people die. (although i have absolutely no frame of reference for how long she lives given this is a past event & she doesn't seem to be present in the more current time songs. we dont really have that context yet) & then we're back to the rute motif on top of what still sounds like a jumble of nothing. but i also thought the rute line was nothing and here its a big deal so i cant wait to realize what this other jumble is, considering its also under the last ima kizanda parts.

theres just so so much to it, so many little intricacies that build such a full picture from whats otherwise one of the more simple series songs & i cant love it more.

#aru sekai series #part of me is desperately like is that last jumble here the reason the end of ashura sounds so familiar to me #but its not quite right for that i dont think #its also not the repeating whatever from shoushitsu #& it didnt make any sense to me when i tried reversing it either so i just dont know #ashura's a different conversation but oh my god i am so desperate to realize why the end of it sounds so familiar to me #like which song is it from & what motif is it #its NOT the nami no ne no. i know that. that's not in that song despite everything telling me it should be. #which is interesting in its own right considering the whole. cycle of things with ashura as a concept & whatnot. #& yet without that motif it implies she doesnt get to live after her song so thats something i think about often #anyway i feel like what im looking for is in either kyuuyaku or touhikou or both but i can never pinpoint it #compels me tho #as ive said many times the sound design in series songs is amazing when magu says they compose to fit a certain mood they fucking nail it #i thought about putting this under a read more but ive decided to actively be annoying #oh yeah once again im not looking at anything directly this is just off memory & the lyrics i can understand #bc some of these words i forgot immediately after learning. whoops.

[0tul1ss]

.

#mannn i literally assumed he ghosted-- why on earth would he text me after so long???? #i was fully like 'ok the last msg i sent literally makes me cringe a bit to read but its been months so ig im never opening the convo again #it was simpler before when there felt like there was nothing else to do and easier to move on. i even had a little crush on someone else ! #now i have a whole wheel of decisions to choose from #and idek what i truly want from this guy anymore bc even just platonically he kinda fucked it up like. idk #or rather i want a lot of different things and idk what to choose #i want my friend back. i want to never see him again. i want him to know every truth of what ive felt and i want him to know none of it #i want him to miss me or maybe wonder about me sometimes down the line. i want him to not spare me another thought for the rest of his life #i want to reply only 'go fuck yourself' and i want to write him a letter and i want to ghost him better than he ghosted me #i want to tell him i love him and i want to tell him i hate him and i want to say nothing at all #i want the closure i was denied. i want to protect the closure i now have #<-going insane #anyway its soooo stupid like i already grieved for this shit bro. i accepted the end of this years long close friendship #anyway idk why im doing so much processing of this in a vent post nor do i know why i always feel compelled to post these when i do #good thing i keep a small presence on here lol. but yea uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh send post #ok wait i saved this as a draft and went to go look for what i had been tagging vent posts with #[couldnt find one i had been using consistently even tho the whole point is so ppl can blacklist it if they want whoops!!] #and i saw another vent from another time he just kinda disappeared on me #and while this time was a lot worse for a lot of reasons i think its important to say this-- #that the last thing that i want is to go back to square one of this stupid awful cycle #vent

[joyouspursuits]

I'm so fucking scared that my whole life is just going to be harm reduction

#im just trying not to kill myself #thats literally my whole life #its that im trying to keep my head above water #im trying to keep myself alive in these piss poor conditions and bc it takes so much effort just to keep me from killing myself #im falling behind on shit and i dont have enough money for when i need to move and so im going to be in even worse conditions #and the worse conditions are going to make my mental health worse and take me effort to keep from killing myself #the cycle never fucking ends huh #embly rambles #tw suicidal

[fabulouslygaybean]

i hate the come-down period after doing literally anything fun at all at any point in time. i went to a movie theater on friday and then to a convention on the following weekend, which was incredibly fun! i loved it! but there's always a come-down period, where everything feels awful because i know im going to be stuck in my house again, rotting away like always, unable to do anything outside of these walls for who knows how long. its hard to keep doing things i enjoy if i know that im just going to feel awful afterwards.

#i wanna be able to do things #but my sister is too picky and my mom is too tired and my friend needs to be involved in everything we do so we just. never do anything. #i do so much stuff alone because nobody wants to go or i dont trust anyone to actually follow through #my bike is out of order though and my mom seems to hate the idea of me using the bus system that i literally get to use for free #now. why can't i just do things inside my own home? it doesn't fuckin work out #the only place im really welcome in my own home is my bedroom. the bottom floor is for my friend and the rest of the family. #i dont have space to do much art up here and there isn't enough space for my other hobbies and i can't make too much noise because it'll - #- bother everyone and i cant call friends because everyone will listen in on my conversations and i don't have enough space to bring my - #- laptop and all its additions up to my desk #i have friends but i feel so isolated from them all. i feel like im going to completely fuck things up by trying to talk to any of them. #i always feel better when i can get out and do stuff but im rarely able to get out and do stuff and even then i feel bad once the stuff ends #so im trapped i guess. its a cycle that will never end. ill do something i love to cheer myself up only to feel even worse afterwards than - #- i did before.

[frogbi]

.

#suicide // #i would just love to stop feeling so fucking suicidal and just bone deep exhausted and negative with myself #so i can talk to my friends i miss them i just cant talk to anyone and it's like a never ending cycle of bad and worse days and idk how to #talk to people and its not getting better and i am so isolated and lonely and depressed and suicidal #i am so so tired #idk i just need this to end #it's just getting worse and worse and idk how long my friends or people around me will put up with me and my bullshit #i thought itd be better to write it but that just makes it worse and idk i genuinely need to go to therapy or something #i dont even have the strength to just push myself to do anything