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#its the depression + anxiety combo
cptnbeefheart · 6 months
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work has been WAY less dreadful lately and i feel like im finally connecting with my coworkers because im not as shy & ive gotten more comfortable there and feel more adult in general but idk i think im just feeling down or something because i just cried about not being able to find a clean bowl in this stupid house i haven’t eaten since lunch and theres nothing here that i want/ wont make my stomach hurty except soup and thats going to be so unsatisfying its so dumb but i AM dreading work tmrw we have a meeting which always makes me insane anxious i hate being trapped in a room and having to sit there and not be visibly anxious have to appear cool calm collected but not trying to throw up at the same time like im gonna be anxious all day which means i wont eat much because im afraid of puking and then ill feel worse because im hungrys im going to rip my skin off AHHHHHH!!!! <- thats me screaming
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anissapierce · 7 months
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I rlly do feel for uso he should b like a professional larper/dm he shouldnt have to get buff
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twinkallegations · 3 months
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my favorite part of being mentally ill is finding out that one of my quirks is actually a symptom and not me being cool and interesting
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being medicated my beloved
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nutrientbroth · 2 years
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on day 3 of tummyache crusade TT_TT
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infernalfae · 3 months
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x
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ofbeetlesandbees · 4 months
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I should go to bed... I am having the Mental Illness and it is making me feel like everyone tolerates me at best and I have brought nothing of value to anyone's life Ever.
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awek-s · 5 months
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you try to do smth good for humanity and they’re like ‘no you’re too mentally ill’ smh 🙄
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xo8ball · 7 months
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itd be real funny that im like this because i had a terrific depression in my late childhood
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toberlonetrombone · 8 months
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I love telling people I legitimately want to die and have since I was 11 bc they look terrified
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discountdyke · 9 months
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having depression or anxiety or both can absolutely make your life extremely difficult and they are serious illnesses. that being said. i have to laugh when ppl say things like “i have soooo many mental illnesses, like i have adhd, depression, and anxiety” or “wow this person is obviously faking mental illness, theyre claiming to have ptsd, anxiety, adhd, AND depression? thats ridiculous” bc if i didnt laugh i would have to cry. i would give anything in the world to think that having 3 or 4 mental illnesses is unbelievable or an absurdly high number
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audiovisualrecall · 11 months
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Sad to b left behind
#bestie married and moved away. steph moved out and married and might move away#oldest sister might move away#parents want to move away in a year or two#i am always left behind. or left out.#i left myself out of my first friend group we were friends since kindergarten age and around middle/end of high-school#i realized i didnt feel a part of the group. i felt like no one wanted me there. i was weird and awkward and annoying.#so i stopped reaching out and stopped going to shul tbh and drifted away#and idk if they missed me or still do. idk what they thought.#tbh i was struggling w depression and didnt realize it and idk maybe i couldve been happy staying friends w them#idk#and i let go of other friendships bc of a potent mix of#no spoons/ no energy/no time/autism adhd depression anxiety combo#i miss the depth of the highschool friendships and im nostalgic for the friend group#I'm nostalgic for other friendships that faded more naturally but im still sad over them#i have no connections. i have nothing but pieces of memories i store away in boxes and my parents tease me for the colletions but#they cant understand#I'm so lonely and i will be so much more alone if they move#i cant even take care of myself completely on my own yet. i need support and i need commections#i cant go with them bc they want to go where its warm but those places hate me for being queer#i want to stay here i want my city and my home i don't want to lose anything#more than i have already#i want more time at least please#5 more years not 1 or 2. in the past 5 years i came this far in that i have a pretty good full time job and can cook and have a credit card#i pay bills i go to work i read i have my art and i can do the humira injections half of the time with my dad there#I'm not low-support needs.
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There is no reason for the amount of pain i am in atm
AND YET
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a-d-nox · 2 months
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tarot cards and their key phrases: swords
this is just a beginners guide to the swords suit - i won't go into imagery, color use, etc. these are key phrases that come to mind when i think of the cards - NOT how they should be directly applied. they needs to be thought about situationally and the cards / when they are in combos they can change or alter their meanings of any reading.
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ace of swords (1)
astrological equivalent: gemini sun
upright: bright ideas, clarity, insight, swift action, consciousness, clear thoughts, take action, victory, divine insight, important conversation, confrontation, next steps, intuition, and encouragement
reversed: confusion, miscommunication, more information is needed, overanalyzes, defeat, indecision, and feeling unheard
two of swords (2)
astrological equivalent: aquarius mercury
upright: indecision, fear of inadequacy, fear of making the wrong choice, analysis paralysis, holding pattern, needing support, needing to listen to your intuition, and needing to flow your will
reversed: trusting others over yourself, lack of individuality/independence, too many soups in the pot spoil the soup, and needing silence to think
three of sword (3)
astrological equivalent: libra moon
upright: heartbreaking truth, pain, past that harms the present, needing more emotion to match the thoughts or needing more thoughts to match the emotions, compassion, and needing release and healing
reversed: recovery, release of pain, freedom from disappointment and heartbreak, and hope
four of sword (4)
astrological equivalent: gemini mercury
upright: recovery, sleep, relaxation, calming, introspection, meditation, making space for new ideas and thoughts, and needing self-reflection
reversed: restlessness, avoidance, quiet time is needed, needing to take a break, and close to burnout
five of sword (5)
astrological equivalent: libra mercury
upright: conflict, arguments, quarrels, needing to understand your triggers, needing the last word, power struggle, and needing to walk away
reversed: lay the past to rest, having an unnecessary grudge, needing to compromise, feeling intuitively guided, and create closure
six of (6)
astrological equivalent: gemini mars
upright: reprieve form conflict, mental and emotional release, physical travel, and the healing journey
reversed: delay, inability to move on, a need for resolution, and needing to focus on your present and less on the future
seven of swords (7)
astrological equivalent: gemini neptune
upright: deception, lying, taking only what you need, essentials, needing to leave some things behind, someone is being dishonest with you, lying to yourself, strategy, manipulation tactics, needing to identify wants over needs, needing honesty, and a need for confrontation
reversed: plan/strategy that isn't working, needing to reproach something/someone from a new angle, don't give up, paranoia, and misguided beliefs
eight of swords (8)
astrological equivalent: aquarius mars
upright: feeling stuck/trapped, a fear of uncertainty, feeling separate from others, struggle to express self, inability to move forward, feeling like you are holding everything inside, feeling powerless, needing to reclaim your power, be patient with yourself, and know that you can persevere
reversed: releasing yourself from self-imposed restrictions, procrastination, and hesitation
nine of (9)
astrological equivalent: gemini moon
upright: anxiety that clouds reality, stress, worries affecting health, needing professional guidance/help, having racing thoughts, and temporary struggles
reversed: despair, depression, panic attacks, passing feelings, extreme anguish, and a fear of reaching out for help
ten of (10)
astrological equivalent: libra mars
upright: end of a painful cycle, transformation after acceptance, everything has its purpose, surrender for peace, have gratitude for what leaves you, and create space for new things
reversed: refusing to let something go, needing to move on, clinging to the past, and getting in your own way
page of swords
astrological equivalent: earth and air
upright: needing practice, needing to pay attention to the world around them, needing to be careful, opportunities for new communication and perspectives are available, feeling apprehensive, and needing a plan
reversed: gossip, manipulation tactics, be wary of what you share with others, and people telling your secrets
knight of sword
astrological equivalent: air
upright: something that needs to be dealt with head on, unavoidable confrontation, needing to be more assertive, focus on you goals, and someone who is trying to start drama
reversed: aggressive ambition, pushing yourself to the extremes, running out of steam, feeling disappointed by something, and needing to take a step back
queen of sword
astrological equivalent: water and air
upright: protection, fairness, balance, speaks the truth, intelligence, wisdom, needing to make a decision, and needing a logical response not an emotional one
reversed: overly critical, self-criticism, and defensiveness
king of sword
astrological equivalent: fire and air
upright: authoritative, logical actions, using reason, intelligence, and using your voice
reversed: overblown sense of superiority, judgmental, controlling behaviors, and needing to learn to let go
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understandableparadox · 5 months
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The Grand homestuck oc tournament poll! Round 2 begins!
Its time for round two, once again time to pit special little guys vs self created blorbos, it is recommended to share as far as you can! remember, be nice and have fun with it!
Nahlee Rovian
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He is just silly.
He is just a guy who would eat a slice of cheese off of the floor, cheese of unknown origin. 
He is a sweet and funny guy and is way too easily trusting. 
If this guy was a playlist it would be "weird al" and "ninja sex party".
He smells funny.
No rizz.
Tamidn K'sazze
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Rudy Webster
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Rudy is a 21 y/o guy(?) who lives in the small town of Junebug. he lives with his 2 moms and service dog and is dating his childhood best friend. he works at the local library and is all around seen as a nice, albeit introverted, boy. but... his true passion lies on the Internet, where he boasts a kinda-small but kinda-big youtube subscriber count. his main claim 2 fame are his MLP:FIM reviews, which are as opinionated as you'd expect but a bit more positive than most bronies at the time. the other half of his content consists of delving into lost media. (which happens to be his second important special interest. the first is mlp g4) Other interests include internet archival, html coding, piracy, and DOOM. 
online/in videos rudy presents himself as sarcastic, quick to yell at inconsistencies, and Very emotional at times. in reality he definitely is all of those things but dialed down a ton. he's sensitive to rejection and very hard on himself because of that. he hates when people complain about the things he likes and takes lots of shit that doesnt have anything to do with him personally (thats the anxiety talking) he's been hit with the ol' depression + GAD + autism combo so his life can be a living hell sometimes, but his girlfriend and dog help calm him down when he's stressed. there's  also some toxic masculinity + gender crisis going on in that brain of his but  he'd rather die than admit any of that. even though he has all these negative traits, he's helpful in his community (online and irl) and affectionate towards the closer people in his life. most people just dont see that side of him.
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yutasbimil · 6 months
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vyn x fem!oc | tears of themis ff. (psychology major!lead) ✦ (4/~) [series fic] !!! also posted on my ao3 acc! { here } tags: angst, hurt/comfort cw: heavy on the (self) angst; mental anguish; mentions of anxiety and depression, relapse, alcohol and suicidal ideation; perfect combo isn't it? // smut is moved again, oops (it's on the next part i promise) + supposedly this is a 'x reader' fic but got too heavy eventually, I apologize truly ;; word count: 2.4k
part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 5 | part x
do not repost © yutasbimil (2023)
cont.
Vyn didn’t expect such attraction towards a person before, let alone even at the first meeting. He swore he wouldn’t turn to such shallowness.
But there’s an indescribable enigmatic magnetism between them.
And it seems like  the first times  every time she walks by the room, Vyn feels a thump by his chest, knocking as if to strike him back to his senses.
He thanked the lighting of the hotel room for its ability to hide the flush by his face.
Alas,  he can’t look away, as if a fish hooked tightly. Like being hit by an arrow unexpectedly, and this seems straight to the knee. He swore in his new life to  never  fall at first glance, but when he turned to look at her again, it amplified even more.
He’s eaten his words and got his tongue tied into tight knots.
However, Vyn knows that with all  the bullshitery  fiction seems to spread in romance, he knows this by the psychological aspect. He’ll be damned by the pheromones and effects the human mind can bring you.
And the opportunity is within his grasp.
Marius dropped her off by the lobby after their mini shopping spree. Yule also changed into a more appropriate set of formal attire as she went back to the meeting hall. 
Vyn approaches them from across the room, meeting eyes, it easily wavered as Yule felt something by her neck. Her hair was almost snagged by her long earrings. Vyn fixed it for her, brushing it aside her ear, his proximity earning a blush on her face.
“Apologies for not greeting you first, m’lady.” Vyn takes a step back, bowing slightly then takes her hand for a chaste kiss. “I’ve been meaning to meet you tonight, Miss Yule.”
“Same here too, Sir… Vyn.” Yule taps into herself as she looks elsewhere to hide the blush on her face, unintentionally leading to Marius who reminded Vyn of the younger’s presence. 
He turns to the other man.
“Fancy meeting you here, Marius.” Vyn gives him a look, Marius nods back to Vyn with the same greeting.
They actually checked in the hotel for a gathering along with Vyn.
Beforehand, Yule briefly informed him that they’ll be at the same place today, but didn’t expect Yule to be accompanied by Marius.
After another nod, Marius walked away to leave them be as he had other business to attend to.
As if looking between the two of them, she turns her focus to Vyn. Yule feels the bad blood between him and Marius even after the tension diverges their presence from each other. 
She lightly hits Vyn on the shoulder, taking him aback with her sudden rowdyness.
“What’s with you guys?” Yule slipped off, patting him guilty on the shoulder.  Oops,  that’s not a good action towards him. Even if they’ve known each other for a month or two already.
“Ah, nothing…” Vyn wasn't able to continue further. His behavior is a bit… looming.
Yule took it as a sign to brush off lightened up at his slight bashful expression. This is a different side of him she encountered.  How cute.
“I do see you being like a kid with him at times, plus his competitiveness and pettiness on the banter can be quite… amusing,” Yule says, suppressing a giggle around him. 
Vyn took this as a close relationship between the two, it crossed his mind that they are classmates. Vyn was able to recall Yule once in his class to sit in. She picked different subjects to  avoid him  in means keeping it formal with him. She apparently got a better slot at a known state university nearby, and just takes a few classes at Stellis University.
“That’s Marius to you, I guess…” Vyn trails off. He is quite taken aback to be read out in the open like that, he needs to have some restraint. Yule likes this laid-backness though.
Vyn harrumphs, getting his hand out ready. Yule takes it, his hand feels colder than usual. She glances at him as he even shudders on her softened look.
“Shall we go?” Vyn leads the way as both of them proceed to the hall where the party will be held.
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The social battery died down moments ago, more than her limit to stay attentive. Everything looks dreary and dim looking at the sea of people talking in the hall.
Mostly she’s already hit with boredom, along with her phone nearly drained, the lump at the edge of her throat seems salient on her system. Substantially, how ungrateful she is to be in a luscious environment, isn’t she supposed to be privileged… only to be truly displeased. She despised this atmosphere.
Her past floods her more as the contents of her dim phone mock her. Even back in the past in these social gatherings and chances of luxury. She isn’t enjoying the company of her family. Not the same with the white-haired man across the hall, his eyes gleaming as bright as the lights with its golden luster. He cannot attend to her, he’s in need of socializing with others. So, she’s left to relax aside from the bar nearby. Only she's anything but at ease.
Yule yawns, teary as sleepiness fights in her system. The ambiance reminds her of last time, being compared constantly, the plastic comments, and she always seems to be the one to adjust at the expense of her sister. To be consistently second-guessed, though at most, neglected.
It even reached to not once, but both her graduations were disrupted due to lack of sleep. What was the purpose of checking in the hotel to save time going to the venue? Only to be bothered all night by the noise around the room. Does her health even fucking matter? It struck her, maybe that’s why she cannot sleep well despite the lavender-scented rooms meant to "calm one's senses".
She's growing jittery, it might be due to excessive caffeine from earlier. She's grown dependent on it.
Yule could've chosen coffee and sleep deprivation over drunkness. But she picked the dark horse for tonight.
All because of one damn message.
She's in full berserk mode.
As if there's no switch to reformat her system, a deer in the headlights, her senses full on flight  and  fight mode. She cannot avoid the shaking of her body.
Yule usually helps with the emails of her parents, so she read through a bit of some of it when it caught her eye. Bills and accounts paying for her sister's specialized schooling.
Now fully confirms it.
She’s honestly at a loss for what to feel. She has grown numb at every passing expectation as much as this is unexpected.
Of course, I'm a piece of shit, I mean nothing.
She can’t believe one text message would ruin her night.
As to why she leaned into alcohol, turning to it to blind and numb her senses at the intensity of her emotions. Shame fills her the more she chugs down light alcohol in her system.
This burning sensation felt like her college days when she spent a period not sober. There was not a day where there was alcohol stained in her system as little as a shot or two, even if it’s a mere can of beer– it can still be considered alcoholism.
Not tipsy enough.
Every word of the text remains replaying in her head. They’re reaching out again to look after her sister.  As if she doesn’t have a life of her own that she’s taking care of…
It made her furious.
At every flush of alcohol down her throat, to another glass of cocktail, she’s feeling the relapse from everything from the last three months. It’s all for naught, all wasted effort the same as she’s progressing more wasted.
Damn, so money wasn’t much of a problem all this fucking time…?
'But when it comes to me, it seems heavy as fuck, or it’s even my fault on how much of a burden to take care of me and pay off the expenses when I suddenly get sick?'
And how the treatment goes, the other daughter just throws money away as if it’s pennies… When it’s Yule who requests things, there’s hesitation. Her taking Masteral wasn't even encouraged. But a specialized school?
She feels conflicted about how she views money and wants to leave everything behind even if it’s considered as wealth and comfort. Yule would trade it for better treatment with no guilt and to sustain a life for herself.
All this ill will, she’s willing to baggage, Yule is risking everything for the title of the “black sheep”.
To be one who speaks her truth, doesn't listen as much, is so boisterous, unladylike, cares too much about one's looks, too cautious about one’s body and health… Everything is blurred and murky on how toxic her vision is at all these. She’s very much affected.
She just does what she wants for her own expense and gain. For her betterment.
Of course, that is  bad ; pure evil– turning her into such a liberated, malevolent lady.
They didn't raise her to be like this, it's too much shameful for a girl to be so untraditional.  Out with the stakes!  She should stay pure and submissive. A little child that one can hold onto one's clutches. But the cage bars are breaking, she's growing more aware…
But punish her as well for putting herself in a tight spot when disrespected.  One shouldn't treat you as invaluable.
Even though that's the exact thing they're doing to her.
She's sick of not tending herself first.
Which turned all this misplaced anger towards relying on any vices to cope— she's just so fucking done.
Leave me alone!
Everything seems so fucking tangent, and she swore she got A’s in geometry back then, but  holy fuck!
Leave me out of any of this shit.
At the fifth glass, she’s a total mental breakdown and crisis, realizing more how bullshit the treatment is, and how much she’s denied her needs. No matter how much she asks for therapy, they're against it.
She’s used to being prohibited from a lot of things growing up, even leading up to her adult days. Even simple self-defense and being active in the gym, she’s not allowed as it’s  ‘not good for girls’  as her grandmother says. Even moving houses as it’s an act of betrayal, that they’re no longer a complete family– even if they're residing in the same town. She's done with these strangling knots.
She wants out.
And out she does.
"Well, I’m the first in my family to graduate with a degree– At least here I achieved something," Yule could only laugh in spite.  'It means nothing though, they look down at psychology.'
With her sister, they'll easily run to the clinic to take her for a slight hyperventilation or just a runny nose. Yule would just lay in bed and  die  as she cannot breathe properly due to her allergies, they can't even be urgent about it.
What's more infuriating is her sister, they would be willing to pay for her psych assessments. With Yule, it's a no-go, what's her purpose to be even taken to therapy? She's got nothing to be sad about. Why would she even be depressed when she's got all her needs and food on her plate and a roof over her head.
'I want to die.'
It's not usual for Yule to turn to help unless it's gravely urgent and intense— but they opposed her from even going to clinics as those psychologists would just tell her nonsense, influencing her rotten brain into outrageous things. To further leech them off of money. It's a complete waste of time.
Hearing all that came out of her mother's mouth just stunned her baffled.
So what even is the purpose of her taking a psychology degree? So she's throwing every effort and her whole being down the dumps?
When she knows herself that's her final call that she is in need of desperate help, and this was her way of reaching out to seek help.
Because she really  really  wants to die.
But even this is refused to be given to her.
As to why Yule set off to be at peace and pursue her Masteral, to start anew. At least wishing these thorns would bloom into something new.
At least meeting Rosa and Vyn, even Marius, shed some light on her bleak situation.
But she feels so heavy and conflicted about how she views herself. More on lack of self-worth. She doesn't know herself anymore, or if anything that she went through could be considered 'herself', she could take it. Because she’s been so out of it for years.
She's going insane.
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Having Yule overlooked at the after-party, Vyn was worried about her drunken state as he appeared back on her side.
With her flushed cheeks burning up to her ears, she looks more tipsy than usual. However, he’s got no clue about her alcohol tolerance. Or at least not getting up to this point that she's full of rashes down to her feet.
"Vyn, you're back. I'm sorry, I'm…  like this -I really am…" Her coherence spills the same as her drink almost toppling over at her hand. It had few sips left. Yule just shakes her head weakly. 
"I think you've had enough fun with alcohol, Yule." Vyn takes the drink off her grasp and consumes the last of the alcohol. By her blank glare, it's anything but fun on the time she had by herself for the past hours.
She murmurs spiels of apologies, along with the scent of the rum on her breath. As Vyn asks the bartender what he served the lady, he can only nod. That's a heavy load to drink for a light drinker. 
Good thing it was just the right time as the party was putting on a close.
"Can you walk by yourself, Yule?" His normal voice sounded muffled on her end. 
She shakes her head, how shameful. Yule attempts to stand off the high seat, so Vyn can support her arms.
Though still conscious, her skin is just full of rashes.
It was quite obvious how wide the gap is for Vyn's alcohol tolerance compared to her. He had more hard drinks than her. Hours passed as she filled herself with cocktails, so it was the final straw for her to lean on the pure hard white rum. One shot of the Bacardi, the heavy richass alcohol managed to topple her over like this.
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